#i remember being on call with a friend and recollecting on how ive never romantically liked anyone or ever had crushes

[scrawnym4]

ive been thinkin recently on if im aromantic. now i don’t care about that because i wanna get to understand myself and my identity better but because itd be be really funny if it turns out i was. guy who draws romantic couples in his freetime is actually the enemy of cupid

[lesbicastagna]

for no reasons at all (bored in class) im going to finally disclose in more clear detail what caused my great summer 22 breakdown

for this to work i need to set the scene a little. on excavations its very easy to get really close with people really quick. First because you work together. But then when youre done with the 8ish hours of work, you all live together in the same place so you essentially work eat and sleep together, also often in very spartan places so the spaces are Very shared.

For This excavation we were there 4 weeks. We were staying in an old kindergarten. 15/20 young adults (from 20 to 30 year more or less). The professor did Not stay with us (he was barely there on the work itself).

detail. he was close friends with another girl. Lets say shes A. they worked together before and they were on the same wavelength. me and her never worked in the same area, we got along but she wasnt in my closest circle lets say. That being said. we've had a..variety of moments. I liked her but i didnt have any projects to try anything Romantic for a lot of reasons. But she was..fond? of me. so we were kinda in this treshold.

The first 2 weeks i worked at the tower where the guy in question, lets call him C, also worked. I did not like him at all first impression he seemed like the worst type of guy you can find on excavations: obsessed, full of himself, generally weird not in the fun sense. im not above being superficial and saying that i didnt like him bc he was blond also....god forbid.

He actually turned out to be great! He was not full of himself and his obsession most of the time was genuine passion for the job, that he was very happy to share and i love people who can talk your ear off about topics, especially since it was my first medieval excavation so i didnt really know shit abt it. He had a variety of hobbies, most interestingly he worked with metals, in true medievalhead fashion he could do from jewelry to swords all by himself. All this being said i generally liked the guy (even if he was a workaholic and im. not. so we often argued on the job) but i didnt much of it. We share some interests in the sense that i can, obviously, talk about history and literature and poetry so we would often discuss also archeology obv (not by ourselves often with the others obviously you are Rarely alone with only one unless you like shower together and even then ive had showers with other 4 ppl so). But you have to understand again that i could say equally interesting and praising things about most of the people working with me: you just get to know eachother very quickly and very deeply!

SO. last night of the excavation. We did a big celebration dinner we ate and drank a lot and had a lot of fun generally. on this dinner we also talked a lot and its when i talked for 20 minutes with her abt literature (C was next to us too and at one point he lit my cigarette very homosexually like with his own sorry this is random i was. intoxicated so i remember bits and pieces from here).

At one point we go back to the school where we slept. We kept drinking and playing there and obviously started smoking weed at one point bc we are university students. From now on my recollection is kind of sparce because usually i hold my ground pretty well but with the food and the alcohol and Everything i got. Very high. Also it was like 4am and i hadnt slept. We finish smoking and the energy is winding down by now. We were in one of the shared rooms (not the one where i slept) on A's matress. Dont ask. I was very chill just laying there being silly.

I Cant...explain why i knew what it was supposed to be. Probably exactly why he chose to give me something like this. We did talk about christian literature and the gospels but not Specifically you know. To this day i cant say how he nailed it so well. So im like. Stopping him. C. are these supposed to be judas' pieces of silver? The ones he sold jesus for? And hes like. Yeah.

After a couple minutes C gets up and asks if he can talk to me. AGAIN i was Very chill, in general and with him too, so i didnt think much of it. This is a huge L for me tbh i considered myself good at understanding when men are interested in me and in damage control but alas.

We go out back, theres a little garden facing the hills so its very dark. I crack a joke i dont remember what but by his response i understand somethings is About To Go Down. Im in disbelief. He puts something in my hand, i feel fabric and the sound of metal clinking together but i cant see what it is. The situation is so surreal i keep being sarcastic. I feel around the little bag and im like: is there. Beer caps in here? Hes obviously very anxious despite also being very intoxicated. He starts explaining me how he worked on the gift. He collected beer caps and flattened them and put them in some solution to get the plastic color and logos off. he also made the satchel but i dont remember where he took the scraps fabric from. i dont remember probably bc as he was saying this i opened the bag and tried to look at the caps and as soon as i saw them i knew.

I dont remember how i got myself out of the tension i probably laughed hysterically because like. Come On. He started talking again and he was very obviously confessing. He complimented me, not my looks but my wits, how thoughtful i was despite initially coming off as abrasive. It was a very sweet and honest speech and to this day it haunts me in virtue of being one of the few confessions that did not mention my looks in any way. I immediately ruined it by being too high to have any tact and answering with, now infamous among my friends: ahah its because im a scorpio!

Curtains drawn, no applause. I think at that point one of the girls who slept in my room came looking for me and called me to bed. I thanked him profusely bc i was genuinely grateful but then i just went to my room. I didnt sleep. 5 minutes later it hit me: the coins, the garden. He wanted it to end in a judas' kiss. I was positively in a nervous fit by now and the only thing that helped was that everyone else in the room was Out but i definitely stayed up bent in half by guilt and anxiety all night. I heard him and A talk in the kitchen (it connected my room to theirs) but i couldn't make out the words.

Next morning we are closing site so we still Have to work. I try to distract myself and i wait for a moment where i can be with him alone because i wanted to apologize for my lack of tact in what was essentially a rejection. Hes very much avoiding me. Understandable. But im still very upset. I try to talk to A. I'm like. Im so sorry, but im not...into men? (i had talked abt being interested in women the weeks before so it wasnt a secret. its just not my style to come out as a lesbian formally). A was like "well it cant be helped then. He was kinda expecting the rejection dont worry. But im a little sad..i think you would have been great for him" WHATEVER? i was just so defeated at that point i was like.....alright. This girl i swear i was so smitten for her i just wasnt thinking straight because after all this she was like. Are you coming to my house with the others after we close today? We are going to a medieval fair tonight and you can all sleep over at my house my family isnt home. And i was like. Of Course im driving 2 hours to your fucking house and staying another day with this group where the boy i rejected also is!

I was just. Completely out of it by this point. I was on 2 hours of sleep still reeling from the night and with the exhaustion of 4 weeks of physical labour on my mind i was just. Out of touch. We close and i drive to her house. We were a smaller group at this point obv so we were like 8 ppl or smth. I will Not. Start with all the moments me and her had while i was at her house. Its just pathetic honestly. Me and C still were avoiding to be alone. I had too much on my mind.

We went to the fair. I managed to have fun, i was actually very excited to be there it was good. We ate there. I remember a moment of lucidity when we were sitting at the table (drinking again. I had to drive too idk what i was doing) and i was sitting between A and C and I was just like. There is no way this is happening. I fell off the excavation hill and im dying and my synapses are firing off. Understand i was at a medieval fair in this castle town with everyone dressed in period clothing and playing pretend. This requires more lore of my mindset but its not that hard to See Why i thought it was all a fabrication of my mind like im don chisciotte and ive read one epic too many.

We go back to her house. I dont remember much from the evening. I wake up the next day and finally get C alone. I apologize, i remember my frustration in trying to make him understand how i was feeling. He seemed ok enough.

We said our goodbyes and i had to drive all the way back home. Long story short i had a breakdown over not having enough gas to get home despite it being a completely solvable problem and i called my mom in tears crying how i was stupid and shitty and she was just like. Anna just fill the damn tank at a gas station. She witnessed the best of me that month.