#i remember being closeted and first moving to a bigger more liberal city

[miasbooks]

[4626songs]

Everyone deserves a great love story. This one is mine.

So. Here’s the thing.

Is it even appropriate for a 38-year-old guy to obsess over a major studio teenage rom-com flick? People my age who saw it usually say they wish they had something like that when they were that age – like, 20 years ago? I probably should behave like a proper adult, too: just love the movie and wish I had it back then when I was seventeen.

The problem is that after watching the movie and reading the original book, I feel seventeen once again. In all the right and wrong ways.

The case in point: Love, Simon.

I mean, yes. I’m done keeping my story straight.

When it comes to the emotional intellect – i.e., empathy and ability to recognize others’ as well as my own emotions – I am a certified piece of dumb and voiceless deadwood. I mean, I even officially have it in my DNA. But it also did not help that I grew up with emotionally detached parents and had very few friends during childhood. I’ve been struggling with the lack of emotional intellect all my life.

But when I hit adolescence and started to feel something big, it was the worst. I could not recognize and understand what the fuck was going on. And definitely I could not talk about it with anyone. Not even because I was scared. Simply because I literally did not have the words to describe it.

Eventually, it was music, movies and, ahem, slash fanfics that helped me find those right words that explained me to me. That big thing was me being helplessly and hopelessly in love with my best friend.

Curiously, I did not have any struggles with my sexuality or identity after this revelation. I sort of accepted me being gay as a matter of fact and moved on.

Telling anyone – and especially my best friend – about this was a completely different matter. Obviously, I was scared. As Simon says in the movie, announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying. But it was not just this fear. Once again, I did not have the words to tell my story. My go to sources of emotional cognition – music, movies and books – were failing me. You know, there was not a lot of coming-out, coming-of-age films or songs or books quarter of a century ago. Except maybe for Smalltown Boy. The most beautiful song. But do you remember the video? One more reason to be terrified and NOT come out.

So, I was silent. It also did not help that I knew for sure from our conversations that if I told my friend about me being gay and my feelings for him, pretty much everything good in my life would end.

I was correct. After suffering for several long years feeling increasingly cold inside from not being able to speak up and express what I feel, I finally managed to confess to him somehow. And yes, it went almost as bad as I expected. I was told that I was a misguided fool, and that I should never speak up about it again. Never speak up.

See. My first coming out experience was pretty bad. But not something objectively bad. I was not beaten up or bullied or outed, thank god. That was out of question, I knew him too well for that. But still. Somehow I was left even more dead and frozen on the inside than I was before. Not something to look for in the future.

But eventually, things got better. I found new funny and geeky hobbies, through which I met great new friends-for-life. I got three university degrees, including a PhD, and became a scientist. I started a music blog, and eventually freelanced as a music journalist. Finally being able to talk about what music meant for me was a liberation.

On a personal front, things were also moving somewhere somehow. There were other unrequited loves. Deeply engaging epistolary relationships with anonymous penpals. (Hi, Blue!) Casual sex. Proper offline boyfriends, and even serious long-term relationships. Some drama along the way, of course. But, until recently, no great love stories coming along with that. Somehow, deep inside, I ached for a great love story to happen in my life.

And then there were those other coming outs. Nothing objectively bad. Always insanely awkward. When I told my mother, she said that I had an irrevocable right to ruin my life and do whatever I want, and we hadn’t talked about me being gay for the next twelve years. A roommate did not believe I was gay at first, and then, when I insisted that I was not joking, he cussed and stopped talking to me for two weeks. A girl who had a crush on me laughed with relief that there’s something wrong with me and not her as I didn’t return her feelings. But there were other friends, who accepted me unconditionally, sometimes even without fully understanding what I was talking about and what it meant for me. I am so grateful to them. But in the end, it was not enough for me to shake that feeling of permanent awkwardness and fear of being me. I chose to remain in the closet for the rest of the world.

But you know what’s (not really) funny? That the same happened with all other important things in my life. It’s like I was permanently living in a giant ball of awkwardness. I had to keep mostly silent about my geeky hobbies at my wonderful science job, even though these hobbies were the main source of my creativity and inspiration. In turn, my wonderful geek friends could not care less about my music tastes. My music friends kind of respected me as a science guy, but I could never talk with them about actual science. And beneath all of that was this big-ass gay secret. It’s like I was living at least four parallel lives, but never a complete one.

I guess once you decide to remain in the closet about one thing, you cannot fully be yourself about other stuff. I became so used to self-editing. Self-censorship. Strategic omissions. And, worst of all, being mute about most important things with most important people.

There are all those reasons why you should continue doing so. It’s dangerous to come out in my home country. It could harm me. It could cause collateral damage to my colleagues, students, professional networks, projects I worked on. It could hurt my family.

But the truth is, people can get no less hurt when you choose to be mute. I know I hurt people by not speaking up about something important to them and choosing silence instead. But there is even a bigger danger. Once you start to pile up silences, little white lies, and strategic omissions, they may grow up to the size of a mountain, and one day simply crumble under their own weight. There will be a lot of pain and harm involved. And I wonder: what if there was no mountain from the very beginning?

Still, the worst is what you are doing to yourself. When you cannot make yourself talk about things that are important to you, you either become a pressure cooker and explode one day – or they slowly die within you, freezing you in the process. And these may be too precious things to lose.

I have thought that eventually, I became better at talking. I have a group of wonderful friends with whom, I thought, I could be more or less myself in every sense, including gay stuff. But somehow, even after all these years, I still cannot do it all, even with them. I cannot even reply to a Facebook challenge about 10 favorite albums, because, like, at least 3 of them would be too gay. I cannot make myself talk about my favorite movies that made an impact on me, because, again: gay. I mumble something unintelligible about my career goals in science, because, in truth, what I mostly care about is how to solve not a grand scientific challenge, but a classic academic “two-body problem” further complicated by a gay twist.

Then one day I saw Love, Simon. That same night, I immediately bought Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda, devoured it in two sleepless nights, and re-read it twice since then. I went to see the movie, like, another seven times. And have listened to the wonderful soundtrack and the score, like, a hundred times already, and don’t plan on stopping any time soon. I simply cannot get enough of this movie and of the Simonverse. And all the time I’ve been trying to sort out why did it hit me so hard and sweet? Why have I suddenly turned into an obsessed teenage fanboy?

Then I realized, I am just so fucking sick and tired of not speaking. I simply cannot stand it anymore. I need to speak. I have to speak. I must speak. Somehow, Simon and his story made it so obvious. Why I was so stupid not realizing it before?

But there’s another twist to that. Everyone deserves a great love story.

I’ve never seen a movie in my life to which I could relate so strongly. Yes, I was that “just like you” kid back then. Living a normal life without any really big problems. Obsessed with music and friendships. Awkward and unable to speak about important things. Alone.

(Oh god. Do you even realize how lonely Simon should have felt if his favorite song is Waltz #2??)

Unfortunately, my great first love story never happened. Instead, I shut myself up for decades to come. But somehow, Love, Simon movie and incredible writing by Becky Albertalli put me right there, back into my seventeen year old me, and finally showed how that first love story could have happened differently, retroactively replacing those long-buried feelings of sadness and despair with joy about the things to come.

And, boy, they did come. Who knew that you can finally get your own very personal great love story when you are at 34, almost ready to give up on happiness? It was wild, it was unpredictable, it was fateful, it was insane, it was unbearably romantic. It was – and, four years later, still is – love.

This story also physically moved me across oceans and continents to, out of all places, the city of Atlanta, Georgia. So, imagine this extra little level of relatability in Love, Simon / Simon vs. (That damn Radiohead, April 2 concert that I did not get to! That gay bar scene!) And now I’m dying to tell my story. Because that’s the most important and amazing thing that happened in my life. Because it is about hope. Because it is about breaking through. Because it is about believing that you deserve everything you want. Because love is a game we deserve to play out loud.

The problem is that I still haven’t quite figured out how to tell my story. Old habits die hard. But I will try. As I said, I cannot stay silent anymore. I need to come out. And I’ll start here.

[uncloseted]

How do I tell my parents I got my septum pierced? I don’t think they would kick me out, but I know they will have a negative reaction and constantly judge me for it and I just don’t wanna hear it all of the time. Please help me :( I really love my piercing but I feel like they are gonna guilt trip me until I take it out and it makes me feel so confident and cool. I also hate disappointing them and I know they will be but I also don’t wanna lie about it either. What should I do or say?

Anonymous said to effys-closet:                                                                     

(2) This is the person from the septum piercing ask. Anyways my 19th birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I feel like I am at the age where I can make certain choices on my own. However, my parents are also very conservative. Whenever I talk about being a therapist and moving to a big city like LA or Chicago, my stepdad always calls me liberal and it makes me so mad. Not because I AM liberal, but because that has nothing to do with anything and I don’t even talk about my own views like EVER.            

As far as how to tell them I think they’ll probably notice and bring it up themselves, no?  But more on the judgement side, I think it’s your decision and part of being an adult who can make their own decisions is being okay with the fact that not everyone will like it or agree with you.  And it sucks to feel like other people are judging you or trying to make you feel guilty, but in those moments you have to remember what it means to you and why you got it in the first place.  Having a conversation with them about the fact that you are an adult now and need space to make decisions that they don’t agree with might be helpful as well, since it seems like it’s a bigger issue than just the septum piercing.

[stephenaltrogge-blog]

Nazis are evil. Racism is evil. The Alt-right is not “right” in any sense of the word—politically or morally speaking. The group that gathered in Charlottesville, Virginia with torches in hand on the weekend of August 12, 2017, was a group of men in direct rebellion against their Creator.

Later on, they (one evil socialist/fascist group of racists) were matched with another evil socialist/fascist group of tribalists, Antifa. Antifa deserves to be condemned in kind. Both groups have worldviews that completely contradict God’s law. As much as both groups deserve to be condemned, and plenty of people have already denounced them, I want to go one step further and answer a specific, genuine, Christian response to racism in America–leaving the Antifa side of evil for another time.

As much as both groups deserve to be condemned, and plenty of people have already denounced them, I want to go one step further and answer a specific, genuine, Christian response to racism in America–leaving the Antifa side of evil for another time.

RACISM VS. CHRISTIANITY

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. —Genesis 1:27 (ESV)

All mankind was created in the image of God. Period. All colors on the spectrum come from that one glorious act.

We live in a world that enjoys dividing itself. God’s word stands against that.

The biblical perspective is that people are not divided based on black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, gentile, or middle eastern. We are all made in God’s image. We all have the same dignity as human beings. There is one human race and every member of it stands in need of salvation by the same grace from the same Savior.

This is the primary level of unity that all human beings share. On top of that, those that are saved by grace through faith in Jesus have a deeper level of unity because of their Savior. This comes to us through the Gospel, and it gives the Christian a truly powerful response to the problem of racism.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:28 (ESV)

God has chosen to save people of every tribe, tongue, and people-group. He has chosen to save people of every income level and socioeconomic status. He has chosen to save people of all skin colors. All of His people will be saved in the same way–through grace by faith in Jesus Christ. There is no skin color or ethnic group that has more dignity or more of a claim to Jesus.

In contrast to our world, Christians ought to view all people as people with equal worth and dignity. The church stands as one race, class, and body. This standing has nothing to do with earthly status or the color of our skin. The unity and diversity of the human race, particularly inside the Church, is to be seen as beautiful, not divisive.

There is no room in the Church for any kind of attitude that divides based on the false criteria of race or ethnicity. When we look out at the world, we look at all human beings as being in the image of God. When we look inside the walls of the church, we look through the lens of being one in Christ Jesus.

While the world is dividing itself and others, the Church must stand as one with a deep love for one another as image bearers of God, not as black or white, because we all have the same creator, the same sin problem; and, we all need the same savior.

Right now, this unity is affected by sin and we don’t experience it perfectly. We must work towards it now (largely as part of our mission to make disciples of all nations), and anticipate the joy of this perfect unity in glory.

You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood, you purchased for God persons from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth. — Revelation 5:9-10 (ESV)

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

First, we must respond by refusing counterfeit solutions. We need to refuse the media’s response of polarizing one another. The media covers these fringe, small groups (Nazis, Alt-Right, Antifa) with such focus and regularity that we are tempted to think that they are much bigger than they truly are.

Do not give into the lie that all of your neighbors are closet fascists, Nazis, or racists. Don’t assume that your neighbor is hateful or incapable of having a real discussion on these issues.

Refuse brash responses. In our culture, we falsely assume that a quick response is automatically a good response. Speak about these issues humbly and slowly. Don’t be afraid to speak about them with your neighbors.

We also have to refuse the urge to change the whole world. Instead, we need to influence our family, friends, and neighborhood. Move into your neighborhood and invest in a meaningful way.

Talk about these issues with white friends, black friends, Asian friends, liberal friends, conservative friends, etc. Show them the love of Christ, no matter their skin color. Try to understand their perspective. If we change our families and our neighborhoods, we might just see our town, city, state, and country change one neighborhood at a time.

Above all, remember that Christianity has the only true response to these issues. Without the Gospel, we resort to tribalism and pride. All other worldviews and religions have no real ammo to fight this collectivism and hate.

We need to share the true solution loudly. We need to apply the Gospel to issues of racism in our communities where justice isn’t being served. More than anything, we need to witness this good news with the way that we reach out to people different from us and love them passionately.

Work for social reform where needed, but remember that laws will not change sinful hearts. Even with perfect laws on the books, we will still have evil in the human heart. The Church’s persistent, counter-cultural, love-driven witness to the world around us about the good news of Jesus is the true solution for the plight of sin. The worldview of the Gospel must be behind everything that we do.

I don’t think that the real solution is a Facebook status or tweet, a charismatic leader, or a law from the government. The real solution starts with us knocking on our neighbor’s door and showing them the love of Christ.

It’s a frightening indictment, That even if all these world problems are solved It still wouldn’t resolve what you are actually looking for And it’s not like these problems, they don’t need to be addressed But fixing systemic issues, it ain’t the source of your rest Or satisfaction, and I know it’s your life’s work But the work of a man’s hands, it has never quenched his thirst You say I’m King of kings but son, I don’t get it how You could trust me for eternity but can’t trust me for now Hoping in a broken system to fix what’s broken in us It’s not working, is it?

— Propaganda, from his song “It ain’t working (The Truth)”

The post Charlottesville, Racism, and A Real Christian Response appeared first on The Blazing Center.