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love-beautiful-disasterxo-blog · 6 years ago

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Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water. After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong. As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

#anxitey #mental health #anxiety sucks #depression

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