#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments

[paragonrobits]

hmm villain concept meant to play on a common element in fandom discourse that bothers me a lot; the lionization of ruthlessness

it really bothers me a whole bunch when you get this glamorizing of ruthlessness; the idea that what you want is the only thing that matters and any end to achieve it is acceptable. To some degree it also infects political discourse. You see a LOT of people with this kind of callous attitude where they go 'kill everyone i don't like, that'll solve anything' and get downright hostile at any kind of... discussion that this kind of attitude might be a bad thing, or at least counter productive. Its the same kind of thing where you get fandom talk that boils down to 'superheroes should just kill all their villains' or 'if you dont want a protagonist to instantly murder all their enemies except for the Good Ones, you're a coward and probably a fascist supporter'

same thing with steven universe haters who really despise a loving protagonist who doesn't want to see people get hurt, or in general, heroes that dont want to kill people if they can avoid it. is the whole 'aang should have killed Ozai' crowd, so this character would be meant at sort of dissecting that attitude

so I'm thinking that this character, meant as an antagonist opposed to the protagonists due to incompatible goals or desiring the same resources and plot impetus, at one point was a warrior striving on behalf of their people; much as the kind of people I referred to write as though the only thing that matters is what you want, and killing everyone in your way will work out just fine, had an increasing escalation of thier activities until they gradually became a bloody minded dictator, gaining victory at the cost of eroding their capacity to care

doing that sort of thing makes it easier to do it again, and do it harder. more importantly it also makes it harder to NOT resort to it as soon as its convenient. once you've gotten a position through bloodshed, its likely that you lose patience with dealing with former allies; now you have competiting factions and feuds within your group, so much talking and arguing and factionalizing and it used to be so much easier...

so they do what always works for them. They got rid of it. Its hard to put down a weapon you're used to, and after killing their enemies, now they kill their political opponents, becoming a brutal tyrant.

This, however, backfires; in the setting there is a spiritual element to all things, and they get the attention of a spirit of retribution whom is displeased at their escalating actions, and it allows an invasion of fiendish entities, viewing the bloodshed as an acceptable reprisal. (The spirit is indifferent to the morality involved, it should be said.)

It causes a massive disaster, and so this warlord is left one of the few survivors of an enclave of humans, with blood on their hands and not much else. They've learned from the experience, but are still deeply bitter and having a hard time truly accepting (though they intellectually understand it now) that absolute ruthlessness doesn't do much in making things grow.

Currently thinking of this character being explicitly human in a setting where humans are just one of many creatures (and possibly being a subtle human supremacist, but chiefly concerned with long term survival of their people that believes all other beings are simply threats, and resents that the multi-species faction of the protagonists is a walking contradiction of their wariness), leading a faction of mass produced and simple-minded boisterous clones made to die young as expendable soldiers. If the protagonists have a theme of liberation and growth (from programming, from biological limitations, from apparently powerlessness), then this character is chained, and they know it. Chained by grief, chained by bitter resentment, chained by the knowing that everything they built is in flames because they just couldn't stop hurting others, or accept that they were never in control...

Consequently they would probably work best as a mid-level antagonist; not someone who ultimately pulls the strings (since that might be better reserved for truly evil characters, because the less I have to characterize them the less it compromises their malice), but as a commander or leader of the immediate antagonist team. Probably superpowered themselves, since in the settings I go that goes without saying. If they are powered by the respect and loyalty of their followers, this might also feed into their personal issues; they used to be far stronger, and they can FEEL how much weaker they are, because so much of the people who once followed them are gone and the weakness they feel is a reminder of what they've done.

[this-is-fox-speaking]

hi i’m late to the hatchetfield lore but i just wanna rant about smthn really quick.

what did mr president whatshisface (i cant remember his name like ever, last names aren’t my strong suit for characters) make a deal for?

at first me and a friend assumed it was the same deal stephanie had to go through: sacrifice the thing you cherish most. we assumed he had sacrificed his wife/stephanie’s mother for his position of power, perhaps. but that doesn’t actually make sense, when you think about it a bit more. because there’s a difference in both stephanie and her father’s cases, if this theory is true in any capacity.

if the president sacrificed his wife for his own gain, that’s a selfish act. stephanie sacrificing peter was a selfless act, for the greater good. the first being a selfish act means his wife wouldn’t be what he cherished most. what he cherishes most would be himself.

the lords in black are sadistic creatures. the epitome of knowing they can do whatever they please to these humans, and make them bend to their will. if anything, i imagine they specifically make whatever deal they feel at the moment. this is supported by the christmas list line from wiggly, himself, to me. it’s a good reference to black friday, sure, but think about it. a christmas list is something temporary, an at the time list of things you want at the moment. so it’s simply a scene of wiggly saying “what do i want most at this time?” because he knows he can get whatever he wants. so do all the other lords in black.

they could’ve easily made an entirely different deal with the president. what’s interesting about the president, too, in comparison with the lords in black, is that he doesn’t care for anyone but himself. truly, he’s what her cherishes most. he’ll do whatever he can, and force others to do whatever he wants em to (like forcing stephanie to act like a good daughter for his image and nothing more) at any cost. well, almost any cost. see, despite all of this of his character he is afraid of the lords in black. they took something from him so drastic he refuses to ever make a deal with them again, and pushes this new deal into stephanie specifically. so it isn’t a question of mr president working for the lords in black. he asked for something, and gave something in return. but with all of this, there’s nothing i can really guess at this time of what it could’ve possibly been. i could be reading too deeply into all of it, but at the same time.. starkid’s hatchetfield tales (specifically nightmare time) have never been ones to miss or forget details easily.

so with all of this, it’s impossible to guess. the president only cares about his image, will do anything to keep it- especially to his own daughter, to the living lives of others even- but will not make another deal with the black lords ever again. he’s only done it once. he clearly does not work for them. he, himself- his position, his ego, whatever you can count specifically- is what he cherishes most. wiggly doesn’t need anything to be powerful, he simply toys with the humans who dare call his and his brothers names. the president is not selfish enough to make another deal with the black lords.

what kind of deal did he make with them?

edit from fox fully caught up on nightmare time and seeing the notes: IM AWARE I GOT HIS NAME WRONG I DONT THINK ABOUT THE MAYOR MUCH. OR AT ALL. SORRY YALL

[patrywoso]

Hope it's alright for me to ask this. I recently found out that my girlfriend of 4 years has been cheating on me for the last 3 months. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but I'm so hurt and angry. I feel like I need to break up with her because I know it's not healthy to stay, but I'm so scared that I'll never find someone else who will love me for who I am. We are currently raising her younger 2 siblings, and those kids are the best thing that has happened to me. If i break up with her, I dont want to lose them aswell. Do you have any advice.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how much it hurts, especially after being together for four years and caring so deeply for her and her siblings. You’re dealing with such a heavy mix of emotions and that’s a lot for anyone to process and much more in this situation.

First, it's important to give yourself permission to feel all of this. Being betrayed by someone you love is devastating, and your pain is completely valid. Right now, it probably feels like you're stuck between the heartbreak of losing her and the fear of losing the kids who mean so much to you.It sounds like you already know deep down that staying in a relationship where trust has been broken may not be healthy for you. It’s really hard to let go of someone you love, even when they’ve hurt you but holding onto a relationship out of fear of the unknown, or because of your love for her siblings, could end up causing you even more pain in the long run. Have you had a chance to talk to her openly about everything? But regardless of her explanation, it’s really important to remember that you deserve love and respect, you deserve to be with someone who values you fully, and breaking up doesn’t mean you won’t find that again. The fear of being alone is real, but staying in a situation where you aren’t truly happy can hold you back from the peace and love you deserve.

As for the kids, I completely understand why that’s such a tough part of this. You’ve built a meaningful connection with them, and it’s heartbreaking to think about losing that. If you do decide to break up, maybe there’s a way you can stay in their lives in some capacity. It might not look the same as it does now, but if your relationship with them is strong, it’s worth exploring whether that bond can continue in some form.

Above all, be kind to yourself right now. You don’t have to rush to make any decisions. Talk to people you trust, give yourself space to heal, and know that whatever happens, you are worthy of a relationship built on trust, love, and respect. Even though it feels overwhelming right now, you will get through this, and you won’t be alone forever. There is love and happiness waiting for you, even if it’s hard to see that right now.

I'm sending you the biggest your way 🫂

[saintbleeding]

Saint. Best beloved. Give me number 8 in the spicy takes meme. Obviously for tma. Be correct about sth. You know you want to. 😘

8: common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

ough............... ok at the risk of this being like. legitimately combative (and with the disclaimer that i love him he is me i am he and i would not ever change a thing about him in either a watsonian or doylist sense).

i dont think jon did Literally Nothing Wrong per se? i think, esp in like, s1-3, he chooses what is essentially the best and most sensible option from where he's standing at the time and i fully understand and under similar circumstances would act in accordance with his actions. but i think the aspect of jon-related conversation, jonversation if you will, that i really don't agree with, or at least find any personal interest in, is that which kinda suggests that he's never acting in a selfish or misguided or even dysfunctional way? because i don't think that's true.

to be clear, i think he's a deeply, deeply caring character who does genuinely want to do things to protect and strengthen and help other people. one hundred percent. but i think one of the conflicts at his core, regardless of what one may think of as the reasoning behind it, is the conflict between that great capacity for caring about and loving others and his frequent inability to go about it in ways that do actually benefit others, or even that do keep him safe, whether we're talking physically or psychologically. i think he, like a Lot of people, especially those with early traumas, learned at some point in his life that an apology must demonstrate remorse, and the optimal way of doing that is by flagellating. so it's truly not any sort of wilful, or even knowing, malice or dysfunction. he is, as he almost always is, doing the best he can with the information from which he's working, but i also think that doesn't mean he's never done wrong or done harm, just that it isn't driven by any sort of desire to hurt.

also (i didnt mean for this to be this long but i had another thought wah) i think a further complication is that when he is acting in an intentionally (or at least, not unintentionally) self-sabotaging or self-harming way, from what we see he feels and enacts the self-loathing after the fact in quite a similar way. again, this is a pretty huge extrapolation, but i think he probably grew up in an environment where all his wrongs were treated as exactly equal, and so he actually feels comparable levels of guilt regardless of the finer points of the infraction itself. that could reasonably explain the consistency in him but. i guess what im saying is my man contains. multitudes. and to me personally the times he falls short are some of the most intriguing.

[necrophilemagpie]

why this whole thing has such a grip on the brain

is the oc insert because i am obsessed in putting the dragon in situations? perhaps, but frankly

it's mostly about putting the trio in situations because the canon doesnt quite have anyone who'd provide the exact flavor of sheer identity crisis

[whoops this thing is way too long]

someone that is revealed to, before all of this, to have for a very long time simply kept on living in the human world anyway despite their inhumanity is arguably a description that doesn't... add up cleanly ideologically with how Hellsing operates, does it?

Though, funnily enough, 'ordinary human' doesn't apply cleanly to even any of the actual literal human major characters of the story except for maybe the wild geese.

There is a reason Pip has to give the speech about grieving the burning city and Sir Penwood had to make his strategically important sacrifice. The Iscariots dont read like normal people enough for something like this. Integra may be a sort of messy symbol for humanity narratively but the way the actual story treats her?

She's as much an outsider to humanity as the monsters are.

Been that way since that fateful day since she was 12, depending on how you imagine she was raised, maybe has always been to a degree.

Highly doubt Integra had much of a taste of normal human society. She's clearly not even remotely friendly with the other knights. Sure, she found Penwood amusing but i highly doubt they were in any capacity close. It doesn't appear the woman even Really leaves the manor outside of her job. We see her in civilian attire Once for fucks sake and it felt very 'what are normal people clothes again' to me personally. Walter and the vampires are realistically the only real close relationships she really ever had.

Seras too, has lived through something incredibly traumatic as a child and has been given no community or support, seen as at most a nuisanse. We do not get any mention of an adoptive family or other previous life to come back too, and its a context where in real life omission alone would be very telling.

Through that she has arguably too been robbed of being 'allowed' to be truly human long before she became a vampire. She was around people, sure, public school, foster care, what have you, but I somehow doubt a girl with severe ptsd would be understood much considering the time Hellsing is set in. If you're unwell as a kid you quickly learn just how conditional the care of strangers can be. Even if on paper they're meant to take care of you. She's kept up a mask of humanity with varying success but likely had known very little warmth a human life supposedly entails.

Alucard is strongly implied to believe that his humanity was torn away from him. He openly mourns it, but feels like he's been all but thrown into the grave of undeath by being forced to protect himself, and he's since only dug it so, so much deeper that he can scarcely see the sun anymore.

The very idea of being anything besides monstrous is very ludicrous to him, and he's so very jealous, of anyone who seems to have had even the slightest bit of a choice.

He was impatient and annoyed with how long it took Seras to accept her new nature because to him. It confused him to no end why Integra would never just make it official and admit her humanity was too incomplete to keep.

monsters are one way, humans are the other.

Humans have friends and family. They have homes to come back to, take care of each other, like many other animals they play and express individuality. They love, and love in uncomplicated, unconditional ways.

Monsters are inevitably alone. There isnt really a place for them to belong, they're solitary and must learn to enjoy it. Violence is, if not enjoyable, grimly necessary to a monster. A monster's attachment to others is a laborious, painful thing.

There is a clear line. You can't be both, you can't be one but keep some traits of the other.

But that's just one way of thinking, is it?

The dragon certainly starts out fitting so very neatly into the monster box. Glassy eyes, little priorities, truly alien relationship to the self. Their illness makes them appear like something that Should be dead. The way they seem to rationalize their situation comes off arguably even less human than even Alucard does.

And that would make sense! They weren't human for hundreds upon hundreds of years, in fact they were never human at all. There are some universal human experiences like how most acessible in modernity human food tastes or childhood they are fundamentally external to.

But as time goes on, as they realize that for the first time in the last few years, they're fine to stop running on empty and rest? As they find it safe enough to speak earnestly? The line gets increasingly blurry.

They start to talk of first sensible subjects like music and prose and history, but increasingly you'd find they're not simply 'making polite civilized conversation,' no. They've known some of the histories they speak of first hand, were friends with some of the writers mentioned even. They're intimately familiar with Making music, what goes into a play, and know a surprising amount about notably dated by now music production hardware and software. There's silly stories they have on hand to share.

Community to the degree Integra likely hadn't really ever known.

They've accepted certain few as siblings, they even apparently know how to take care of a child. They are currently the primary caretaker of their mysterious """benefactor's""" child because 'the woman might've wanted the kid but doesn't much care for raising one.' They genuinely care for the kid, and not Just because its someone else hurt by the same person. They seem to have Opinions on what's good for a child that seem to come from experience. It's not their first time around.

The culture to whom the human that caused them to exist belonged to? They still identify with it. Kept track of the family even, for actual hundreds of years they've been the distant relative that visits sometimes.

They seem to earnestly love the people they speak of and miss those no longer alive or who've they been unable to reach for the past nine years, which is most of them.

Family in a way Seras struggles to even imagine having.

Their illness, though something specific to nonhumans, is suddenly rather easy to recontextualize as a collection of individual rather human symptoms. Integra even has similar complaints about her joints. Their sometimes stilted speech isn't hard to accept as a mixture of something like neurodivergence and having modern english be about 5th language they learned. Humans do plenty of these same things with gender and sexuality too, thats nothing too special.

Even their suffering under the control of the woman in red, if you pay closer attention... starts looking a good bit more like plain old domestic abuse.

Yet they're very obviously Not a human, they say as much too.

The way they grieve is from a different angle, from one colored by hundreds of years of losing people, unable to forget even one. The way they love is similar, encasing every moment in amber of their eerily clear memory. They know too much historical context for every aspect of society to take much seriously, looking right for the outsiders of it for something truly interesting.

For fuck's sake, it's barely even blood what courses through their veins, even their internal anatomy is a touch off.

Somehow though, they lack Alucard's characteristic violent self hatred about it. Even in their current situation, having the very 'justification' for their abuse be that they're not human, they are very firm in the fact that being a dragon IS a cornerstone of their identity, that its not something that can be removed or altered, they wouldn't particularly want to be a human, and they're not worse off for it, they just Are who they are.

At peace with their belonging outside of humanity. Something Alucard swore to never be as much as complacent with.

They dont come in trying to challenge anything particularly, they just happen to be the kind of person the trio's worldview hadn't truly been tested against.

If any luck, maybe it'd get them to give some much needed attention to their own traits that have never quite fit the ideology either.

You know.

The real reason Integra had long known she wants Hellsing to cease to exist, at least in the way it does now.

Besides, it's kind of pointless rummaging through the shadows searching for boogeymen when monstrous humans are just as real.

"the woman in red" as the dragon calls her, may just be one.

[thejustknowing]

"I NEVER said That!!!

The Truth I couldn't see.

By: VAD

My Story

He tells you are being irrational, that you really need help. He tells you he's moving out and taking your little girl because he needs so badly to start a manipulative argument. He tells you to "Fuck Off" and calls you a victim and tells you it's all your fault. He makes false references about your own childhood to try to break you apart. He thinks he can still convince you of things about yourself that arent true, he wants to so bad. You can tell he truly misses those days. When he could gaslight you and play confusing mind games disguised as a conversation you 'think' you are having with your husband; about something real.

It's something wrong in your relationship that you actually want to fix so you tirelessly try and try because you want things to be OK again. Over time though, this constant cycle sucks all of your energy and everything that is good out of you, but you don't know that yet. You feel broken hopeless and destroyed and you dont understand why, but you eventually start to realize that something is very very wrong. You must have missed something somewhere, this no longer even resembles an argument you would have in healthy realtionsuip, probably not even in most unhealthy ones. It's irrational, it's confusing, it skips around from one thing to another, its fact twisting, it's blaming, it's accusing, it's getting another person's pain and problems thrown at you and piled up until you cant breathe at all. At it's worst, it's doubting your own perception of anything because of someone telling you that you're crazy over and over and over. He is starting to convince you that you remember things wrong, and saying that you make stuff up in your head. It's someone denying what they have said so many times that you can't be 100% sure of anything. Your trust in yourself is dwindling. You start to ask yourself "Who is this person in the mirror? It's being told that 'you' said what 'they' are denying having said, even though they said it to your face two minutes ago. It's being locked out of your house in the middle of January with shorts and a tank top on. It's being told you are a horrible person and nobody likes you. It's being told you cant be trusted to do anything right and then getting guilt tripped because they have to do everything and you do nothing. It's having your baby used against you, it's being threatened to have your baby taken to a hotel by someone who is drunk because, "What you deserve is to be in a dark house with the power out, alone." It's being told that the cops are coming and it's because YOU are the actually the abuser and you are scaring them. It's real FEAR. It's slamming doors, sighs, silent treatments, and dirty looks. It's lies aimed to control how other people view you. It's an argument about money, laundry, what time the kids should be in bed, work, who left the lights on, a dropped dish, spilled milk, the way you said something, a choice you made. It's everything you do is wrong, and it's not Real. It's dealing with it, and on some level knowing, and saying nothing because you know it will make things worse. It's walking on eggshells every single day. It's downplaying your sucessess, it's really jealousy and deep resentment of your accomplishments, but you don't know that yet. You just aren't good enough, and that even what you thought was good about yourself isn't. Your strengths, talents and most admirable traits were the first thing he targeted, but you don't know that yet. The constant and unending ridicule and forever reminders of even the tiniest mistakes. You are careful never to make a real error in judgment or a bad decision because he will never stop reminding you. He will say "The truth hurts, doesn't it" He will exploit and expose any weakness or vulnerability you show him, he does not have the capacity to genuinely love, he has no regard for the feelings of other's. He is a victim when when presented with any information suggesting he is at fault. He is a victim to control you and suck out your compassion even after he breaks you down for hours. He has a huge RED Flag, and it's one of many you don't know you missed yet. He is 100% incapable of admitting he did or said anything wrong. He cannot take responsibility, he only knowe how to blame, twist and project. He is not capable of a genuine apology because 'You' are the problem and he is the victim. His personality makes him capable of one of the worst and most dangerous forms of abuse. You don't know it yet but you never did anything wrong, you were never the problem. You didn't deserve this.

It's slow and intentional and you can't understand it yet. You think this person loves you and would never try to hurt you. You are so wrong though, and if you don't figure it out soon you might never recover. How can you be a mom to this beautiful baby if you don't figure out what has changed in you? How do you get up for work and do your job that "the old you" used to excel and thrive at? How will you and be able to function much longer if you can't find your confidence and strength, 'your edge'. You don't know how to survive without the one thing about you you've always counted on when everything else was gone. But it's no use, it's not inside you anymore. It's gone. You ask yourself how could this happen? How could you have let this happen and not see it coming so you could stop it. You start researching and searching for something, anything to fix this. You'll one day be an expert on this type of personality disorder and the pattern of behavior that goes with it, but not yet. You've always been able to fix anything, but you can't fix this. You hit bottom, and you do the only thing left to do when you are truly helpless. You beg and pray to God and angels to help you. You can't get through this on your own, you beg for help and look up at the sky while tears roll down your face, you cling to hope.

To your complete suprise the help does come, and it quickly, within days. The help sent to you is unfamiliar and strange, it's almost spiritual. It's an untravelled path of self realization of how you ended up where you are. But this is no quick fix. You don't understand for a long time that there is no quick fix for this, and why. Help is sent in all different forms you couldn't see before, you start a sort of awakening. You start to see signs, coincidences, information, people appear in your life that seem to have been strategiclaly placed there at just the right time. it's amazing. But the dark realizations keep coming. As you put all the pieces together and start to truly understand what happened, you really hit the fucking bottom. You'll see later that this is the only way to come back to life, but not yet. This is the lowest and darkest place there is. You could easily stay in that place forever because getting yourself back to where you were, and who you used to be seems more and more impossible the more you come to terms with the reality of it all. There is nothing of what was. You can't even muster up the courage to ask for help because you are so ashamed of yourself and you are constantly blaming yourself for being so blind and so naive.

The worst is over now, but you don't know it yet. You are still just trying to survive. One thing you come to realize at rock bottom is that you have two choices, and that one of them is giving up and believe me it will be the obvious choice. It seems like the only way out, but it means giving up on your chance to be the Mommy your baby was meant to have, before all this. It means giving up on the "YOU" that you remember being your whole life. I know for an absolute fact that God, the Universe (undoubtabley both) showed me the ONE tiny glimmer of "the old me" that was left, and for good reason. They knew that Giving Up is something "She" would NEVER choose. She would FIGHT and SEARCH and never stop until she found a way, just like she always had; with or without her edge.

So that's what she did, with no idea if it was even possible at all or if it would ever work. Two long painful years of exploration, awakening and trust in "the plan", and I started feel like me again; the NEW me. The old me was gone and I came mourn ans accept that over time. I hid this journey from every other person on the planet even those closest to me. I faked a smile, worked as hard as I could and hid the ugly, shameful truth. Out of the darkest place I began to emerge a new better version of myself, one I didn't know was inside of me. It turned out this whole experience was the start of a new phase of my soul's journey. I had a new purpose, and I understood the "Old Me" wasn't meant to travel with "Me" this far. So I left her behind and kept going. I understood the laws of attraction and the power to manifest strength where there is none. I now had faith, I realized my gifts, I came back. So much of 4 years of my life is still gone, my daughter is now 5. There are huge parts of these years l still can't remember. I see pictures of birthdays and special events that I don't recognize. I will continue to write In hopes of bringing back the precious memories of my little baby girl, memories still covered and buried by the painful ones that I unknowingly blocked. I am a survivor of a long encounter with a monster I could have never seen coming. They don't teach you about these kind of monsters, even though are the REAL ones. They don't live under your bed or in the dark scary attic at night. They don't wear scary masks that you can see or have horns or sharp teeth. They look like whatever you want them to, they look like love and infatuation and friendship, sometimes they look like your parent. They are all the same, they have the same cruel games and tricks up their sleeve to break you. And trust me if you think you are unbreakable or immune to this, think again. I was one of strongest, most confident and intelligent woman I knew at 30, this nightmare started before I turned 32. I hope to someday be ready to educate as many people as I can about narcissistic abuse and about the hundreds of subtle little tactics that people use to slowly destroy you. There ARE red flags and they can be stopped from harming you. If this sounds anything like your life, know you are not alone and know that this is a sign. You were meant to see this.

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye 

[the-rxven-king]

Still thinking about Amadeus all these years later 💕

Got any OCs you're currently obsessed with atm? The council of I Heart Amadeus would like to know, oh great one of many fabulous OCs~

THE WAY YOURE STILL HERE AND THINKING ABOUT HIM ALMOST MADE ME C RY LIKE

idk who you are and idk if i ever will but know that i think about you sometimes cause it makes my heart so happy that someone loves one of my characters so much even tho i get scared to talk about them more often cause i dont wanna be obnoxious, you are always amadeus anon in my heart and i love you pls come into my inbox whenever you want to ask about whatever i will try to answer quickly sometimes it just takes a while for my brain to feel ready but i will Always try to answer questions about my ocs

i will ramble about some of my characters under a cut i dont wanna flood anyones dash with my bullshit if they dont want it!!! anyone playing in a campaign with me..... proceed with caution if you read!!! even tho i am coming back to this after deciding i needed to be done and. i didnt say too much spoilery shit. i didnt even talk backstory much. its fine.

as for ocs im obsessed with i am Entirely Not Normal about my character nowell, i wasnt fully normal about him when i first made him, but at the time i was only really talking to my ex and all the parts of nowell that really made him Nowell to me were things he didnt want to discuss so i didnt get to explore him to his full capacity. i dont blame him since nowell is one of the darkest characters??? ive ever made???? in terms of the things hes gone through? i affectionately call him a walking trigger warning. but it still made me sad sometimes

now tho? when i was able to put him into a modern horror dnd campaign and i played him a bit before our current hiatus? where ive gotten to fully explore him and every single facet of him, good and bad? it really unleashed him fully in my brain and it kinda makes me really emotional. i fully developed his backstory out more than i felt i could before (because what did it matter before if i could never utilize it? had to dull him down to be easier to deal with and honestly i think thats had an effect on his character now too) and ive learned more about him, hes grown into himself and he truly is out here changing my brain chemistry. i love him so, so, so much and i have drawn him more than any other oc i have im pretty sure. hes my most drawn son and i really wish i was braver about posting oc art on my blog now a days like i used to be in the past because i love my art of him. im pretty proud of it and the way hes made me want to create again. i just wish i could do him more justice yknow??? g uh hes everything to me im holding him so so gently in my arms

and also my boy veth???? g o d i love him sm especially since i!!! recently got to confirm/drop a big lore reveal about him in my campaign thats been going for like 2 years at this point!!! my party finally knows hes the only survivor of the royal family of kuzania and thus the rightful heir to the throne and not the BBEG whose currently ruling! i feel So Free now that i can mention his princely-ness truly i do. hes just. so sweet and so lovely and hes everything i love in a character cause truly i just accidentally made My Type in a man and now its just veth. the only way he could be even more my type is if he was a tiefling instead of an elf but he makes up for that by being like. 1/4 platinum shadow dragon. and one day thats gonna pop out with him i know it to be so. i want him to be able to have a bit of a draconic-ish form because of how STRONG that 1/4 dragon blood is. im gonna work on it eventually, but im v happy with him hes so pretty and i adore him

he also recently canonically got with a PC in the campaign (hes a main story npc!!!) and im So Not Normal About Them theyre driving me up a wall and i literally cried over them earlier this week because my friend came at me with a fuckin baseball bat of an answer to a vague scenario/question i told them about cause im batshit and think about character scenarios every day of my life.

im also leaving my setting for that campaign open for friends who arent playing in it to make characters and throw em in and one of my friends made an au of a character she already had that im Deeply And Completely Obsessed With named creed to put him into this world specifically to date veth cause theyre obsessed with veth like i am their chara and we had joked like "aha what if we just picked them up like barbies and made them kiss just to see if it worked out" and now they are literally The Couple Ever. like there have never been 2 men who were more perfect for each other in this entire world and the way they have a fuckin grip on me. i have also cried over them several times. veth is a poly king and by GOD is he winning rn. we have made this au version of creed canon in stadalon so veth is gonna have TWO boyfriends!!!! perhaps 2 husbands! perhaps 3!!!! cause another friend has an oc to kiss him with!!! we shall see!!!!

guuuuh and also my vampire spawn shadow genasi/tiefling requiem??? recently hes been So Loud in my head. i specifically made him to romance a character my friend made (same one who made creed) named harbinger cause i saw him and immediately fell head over heels and begged her to let me kiss him and other friends in the call at the time he was shown immediately jumped on the bandwagon wanting to make characters in relation to him (2 of them made siblings for him, theyre triplets! and the other just decided to make the most normal man ever (a fuckin lie. theyre Not Fucking Normal) because of the triplets happening and me being like imma out-goth this goth tiefling and out came requiem) and the last friend in call decided hell why not make a whole campaign out of these losers just for this One Blue Tiefling Our Friend Made That We All Love.

in campaign shit is Constantly Happening but me and them were talking and she told me that harbinger is finally starting to get to a point hes falling for him and requiems already been there cause hes disney prince ass level falls hard and fast. im cheering and screaming and kicking and crying i love them so much we keep talking future scenarios for them and im so deeply in love with how soft and gentle and adoring theyre going to be with one another one day and i would die for them both.

plus i just. Love requiem sm hes such a big soft sad bastard and the fact that he loves and cares so fuckin deeply and hes so kind? so open? so genuine? was not in the plans when i first sat down to play him he was supposed to be more moody and a bit more intense than he is now. he held my face before i even opened my mouth to play him and said no. i am kind. i am patient and understanding and i was born to love and to take care of people. i have also cried over him. i love him so so much and im just guuuUUUH yknow what i mean.

anyway. ill leave it at those 3!!! or i will never shut up!!! i have more ive been thinking about a lot recently but i will leave it at my 3 most precious blorbos if you made it this far i adore you pls take all my love

[milfpaul]

hello! thanks for writing sweet nothing, i thought it was really beautiful. i’m just sort of curious as to why you chose to end it there. i dont mean it in a bad way, (people online can be so entitled about other people’s stories) i just thought it was an interesting spot to leave paul. do you think that’s really the end of his story? anyway, feel free to delete this i dont mean to be annoying. i just loved it so much. your characterisations are just SO lovely, it was truly a pleasure to read everything unfolding. thank you ❤️

thanks for reading and im glad u enjoyed!

i never intended paul & john to stay together in any permanent capacity lol. in fact the fic was originally titled after Subway by chappell roan but I changed it while i was writing chapter two. anyway that was always paul’s ending in my head because the john in the story isnt good enough for him (ie, unwilling to divorce cynthia) PLUS i just like an open ending. like maybe paul goes off and meets linda in that universe, or maybe he quits teaching and runs off the manchester forever, or maybe he picks up guitar again etc etc. idk at the most basic level, i think i just liked the imagery of him “escaping” liverpool on a train (hence the original ‘subway’ title) so yeah. again, thanks for reading!!

[throwawaythots]

revisiting you

hasn't changed how i view you. why would i deal with anything less, than the lessness you've already given? we vibe on entirely different frequencies now and i can't even be honest with you. any possible way I think about how I should reply is less than desirable. superficial is what i've been given, superficial is what you'll receive

i dont like nick and the fact you shared vulnerable info about my life that wasn't yours to share, solidifies my mistrust in you.

i want to be an optimist and believe everyone can change, but when it comes to you, I don't believe that. I've known how you are for a decade now, sadly I think you've degraded even further down...I don't want to be mean to your already sad life. I wish you would wake up and see nick has been the biggest poison in your life...

i dont think itll ever be the same for the two of us, for the better. its walking on egg shells, i dont know if ill ever truly believe you in any capacity, or look at you seriously again..

discipline, emotions, healing from the past, are all a part of my core...you can't even check those three boxes, so what're we really doing?

[epipenis]

what would i say

“i’ve been lying to you, it’s not fine” i’ve said that, idk if it would have the weight that the truth does.

i think i’ve been trying to let it bleed out for a long time. idk if there’s a solution. i feel like we’re together compulsorily…. i hate that. i want to feel wanted……… i dont. idk. maybe i do. i feel myself becoming a bad person. a sneak. a liar. more.

i want to let it bleed out. but i feel fear, for so many reasons…. because of history. with devin. without devin.

and ofc, i know devin hates long convos. perhaps i’ve been lying to myself most of all. im so hurt. and idek what for anymore. none of it feels justified enough. i don’t want to torture them. i think i’ve failed us. how do i proceed? idk if it’s just seeking comfort or displacement or what, but i think maybe we’ve always been doomed. i was too fragile and needing to be wanted at all. in any capacity. and devin similar. we’ve grown so much, and yet so much damage has been done. can i ever tell the truth? will you hate me? will you run away? have i caused too much damage to repair. i want you to comfort me in that, but i know its not your job. some secrets i keep so close, i end up telling lies to bury them and then forget the truth. i think im fake. i’m made of plastic. fear. need for control. so many things. so much pain. so much failure. god……… no one can comfort me. you could leave me… maybe you should. i think “i want you to show me gratitude for what i’ve done for you, what i’ve sacrificed”. but that’s not it. it’s about what that gratitude means. it means i’m safe, it means you love me. it means you’ll forgive me. even when im annoying. even when i keep making long conversations happen. even when i pull away because idk what to do anymore, i want you to maybe feel pain and if you don’t then it wouldn’t matter anyways and maybe it would just make you happier.

i keep thinking “please just hold me”…. i hate my brain. i want to kill myself…. try again in another life. but doesn’t everybody feel this way? isn’t everyone this… complicated. what are we. what am i. why do i exist. i’m not strong enough for them. i’m nothing. and i show that pain and fear…. and it makes it worse…. they resent me for asking for too much…. they’re learning to pull back…. and honestly. it’s for the best…. i know it is. but some awful part of me that doesn’t know any safety or comfort outside of a cycle wishes…. so badly…. that you wouldn’t. but i did this all for you… fuck olivia rodrigo for that line.. yeah.. i do think about it we broke up, i would probably feel that way about your therapist that i found, for us, and gave to you. you’re all i think about…. is this love? is this enmeshment? have i lied so skillfully that i’ve even convinced myself… do i even know how to love. am i that broken. i want to suffer so i dont have to think about it anymore. when im suffering at least i can just focus on that…. god if you ever saw this. you’d hate me. maybe not hate. but you’d know i’m bad for you. and you’d be right. and it wouldn’t even matter that i’m crying about it right now. because you’d be gone. and better off for it. my world- my thoughts, are so painful, all i ever think about in regards to them is wanting to be hurt and wanting to be comforted. one day mom and dad will die. and i will be truly alone. no one will be forced to care about me. no matter how hard i try. no matter how much i try to force smth so that its capability of working without force is indiscernible. no. not even then. i will hurt you. i will frustrate you. i will need too much. heaven isn’t real. and nobody can give it to me.

devin please love me. please want me. please…. i shouldn’t ask this of you any longer. you can have a good life, i can see it… you should have it… im…. i won’t say nothing because i think if i did you would give up on me- because what’s it worth trying with someone who feels that way.

what is human connection really? i mean… i said previously i couldn’t let you see this place. i changed the url and everything. and now, i think, that’s just fear, it could happen. i could show all parts to you and you to me. i want to die because i think that’s the only way it could be possible. i don’t actually want to die…. idk…. life hasn’t gone super well for me. and if you left…. idk….. i think that would… just…… traumatize me more. idk if i could cope without allowing it to become trauma. would i want to leave you first? idk…. i think i guess i just don’t want to see you be happy… functional…. better off without me. i want to be good for somebody. anybody.

the only way to let go of this fear is to truly find altruism at the same moment as another. to want you because i want you. not for me. and for you to do the same. idk if that’s possible. what does it mean to want…. to be wanted…. can even the best professionals help me? will i just live on like this forever until i die too. i will die. this life isn’t real…. it is…. but…… it’s not mine. my life was supposed to have heaven. my life was supposed to have that comfort. unconditional. dad did it- why can’t i? what could i need? is the solution to bury it? how deep would it have to go… is the solution to gaslight myself? idk how much feeling it can solve in this situation. i’m trying so fucking hard………. and it’s still…. too much, and not enough.

ugh. devin please….. idek what i’m asking for. i do. and im trying not to.

please live for yourself…. and in your memory think fondly of me…. know that as fucked as it is and was…. as much as i couldn’t do it for altruism…. that i tried… and i do genuinely hope your life is better off for it. go find it somewhere. out there.

fuck.

i feel like my mind is turning into scrambled eggs. i don’t know how to parse it. idk how i get through the day, i just- do? how long ago did i stop feeling? does everyone feel? does everyone stop? do they feel it like i do- or does it happen young enough? idk.

i want to process this. it’s so big. how?

if i can’t find a resolution at least try to emotionally support the other and be compassionate…

last thing- it makes me sad that you felt negatively about that long convo… i- i felt good…. it made me so happy. it changed so much in me. i know it was long. and bumpy…… but i was so happy. i thought you were too. maybe you were and i didn’t know it, maybe im just getting one version. maybe i should ask you about it…. how would i react if you confirmed my fears….

anyways. i don’t feel like i really have friends anymore. i feel distant from everyone. i miss sam so much. i think he would get it. maybe… perhaps i just have an idea of him, and not actually him. devin….. ugh, im not gonna ask you to hold me. i have to try to take responsibility for this…. all of this. i have to right?

devin feels distant. they don’t want me to be growing and processing like this with them. they want me to do it on my own. like they do, more and more. but without this- what’s left?

how can i support and be compassionate for myself right now. here. i’m grateful for my vulnerability. i’m sorry it hurts, it’s a lot of big heavy emotions, from so long ago. it’s not easy. it’s ok that it hurts. it’s ok that it’s a lot.

finn, i promise to try- no, i promise to learn to love you unconditionally, because no one else will. you are brave, you are strong. you are worthy. you do good. you struggle, you have done things that are wrong, you have hurt others, but you are good. you can be good no just reactionarily, you can change and be kind and strong for yourself, not just out of guilt. try one step at a time.

devin is right. getting out will help.

it will be ok. i will grow. i will struggle. and it will be worth it- finn- you are worth it. you are good, you are loved- by me. i love you. i will hold you. i will be kind to you. i will not let others hurt you. i promise you. shh, it’s ok, now rest, you’re safe, you’re loved, you’re wanted, you are worthy, you are useful, you’re ok. rest. it’s ok. it won’t always be easy to comfort you this way, but i will do it. i will be here with you. even when it’s hard. i’ll never leave. i am you. you are me. i will find a way for us- me, to find comfort from within, so we can stop hurting ourselves and others so much.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[nyctophiliq]

sup moss! congrats on 500 followers and can i get myself a match up with someone (preferably a woman) from arcane? Im in freshman yr of college and im studying bio! I want to work with either environmental conservation or at an animal sanctuary soon, and my main hobbies are watching/playing dungeons and dragons, and art. I really enjoy being creative, even if i dont have a lot of time for it. Oh! im also 5’2” and nonbinary, and a virgo! Ehm,,, MBTI- wise i am an infp. I also have a dope undercut and am a very big nerd! Once again, congrats on the milestone, and i love your work! (the intro blurb is something i would totally use for when i DM)

your match-up and star messenger is . . .

MEL MEDARDA (entj) !

you are the "love at first sight" couple

at first, there will be a lot of back and forth on mel's part. she firmly believes her position in the council will put you at risk and not just that, but the thought of her mother circling around you sickens her. she truly wanted the two of you to have that teenager-like love when nothing in the world mattered but the two of you, she just needs time to realize that dreams have a price before coming true.

the two of you have very different energies, yours is much calmer alongside your aura while mel's is dynamic. the two of you balance each other out and contribute to the attraction between each other, especially in the early days of your relationship. mel will seem calmer, and miss out on some of her work which might cause some problems later on but at the moment all that matters that the two of you are together.

some aspects of your relationship would be:

"can i kiss you?" she always asks before doing so

mel is either shipping you off or hiding you from her mother- she loves you dearly but her mother is a scary and judgmental woman

airship dates !!! piltover has a bunch of them, no question mel herself has one and it's the best way to talk about future plans for the city or just involve the two of you

she loves running her fingers through your hair, lingering at the undercut part, that's the best part

MEETING EACH OTHER !

version 1

your college has assembled a group of some of the most forward-thinking students with their best ideas on how to solve the water pollution that has been intimidating the population of both piltover and zaun. with the older folks on the council running out of ideas and viktor and jayce not being able to use techniques that don't involve the prototypes of their hextech creations, mel needed fresh eyes with new ideas. a bunch of you had to get on a stage in front of the members of the council and some more investors and start to present your solutions in front of them. your heart pounded in your chest, so hard it could jump out any minute especially with councilor medarda's eyes boring into yours.

"change of plans... it's gonna be a one-on-one presentation, no need to stress our youth more than they already are."

version 2

while going to piltover's finest university came with its perk of a scholarship that paid for tuition, it didn't necessarily cover the cost of your daily need to eat. so you took a job at a local bakery, and stand at the cash register for a while to collect cash for food. it paid decently, and you could get the nicer bags of food from the fancier stores. the day she walked inside was a bad one, finals eating up all your brain capacity, and keeping all the prices in mind for each pastry was just as hard as keeping up with your lessons. it was even harder to remember with councilwoman mel walking in and out most of the week.

"i usually never do this, i keep myself from doing it anyway... but could i have your name?"

YOUR SONG IS . . .

francis forever by mitski !

[candyunicornsateme]

yeah, kenny repressing his emotions makes a lot of sense to me... he and his siblings get neglected a lot by their parents, and one of the biggest elements of his life (his curse) is something that none of his friends ever believe him about or remember. he probably eventually took it to heart that there's no point in communicating his needs or feelings to anyone... do you have any thoughts about how the way he was raised affected him?

Well sweet anon that's a broad question I dont feel very qualified for, but here's my thoughts anyways lolol...

Yeah I agree! I definitely agree that Kenny would basically be somewhat of a parentified child sometimes due to his situation. Being forced to be independent. Feels like he has to step up and take care of things, obviously especially because of Karen. Can't break down because he needs to be stable and try to be responsible so maybe he could get out of there and maybe help Karen have a good chance.

But like I said I feel that as friendly and chill as he is, and as cute and giggly as he may seem, he has a tight hold on those feelings because he's just so used to being selfless or putting others like his sister before himself, especially even more so, if I'm feeling extra angsty, if he uses his immortality to also protect his friends when he can, because that's how he could be useful and be there for them.

I like to usually imagine that it ends with him struggling to let someone else take care of him, struggling to be helped or be a little selfish (expressing what he wants, pursuing his crush even), and that adds to why I feel like he really holds back on his anger, because so much of it is pent up inside. Angry with his parents, angry and hurt about no one remembering his deaths or believing him, angry he couldn't do more because he was young and there wasn't money to make things better.

His friendly, quiet demeanor could at times be a mask. He's just trying to keep it together, and most of all he really doesn't want to be like his parents -- he doesn't want to lash out and yell or hurt someone he loves. Maybe he's used to hanging back to stay out of the fights and crap at home. Escapism maybe, coping strategies maybe. And with his immortality, there's just no point, he'd end up disappointed again. So he's also at high risk of ending up doing risky behaviors with poor coping, which I always imagine leads to him overworking himself to death in some capacity (we even saw that in the specials so I feel very justified in that lol).

With Kyle I think it could really become a point of contention and strain between them because Kyle can also be quite compassionate, and has a younger sibling too, so he feels for Kenny and feels angry that Kenny can't just let that wall down for a minute you know? Even more so if Kyle recognizes how much Kenny gives and cares. I sometimes think Kyle can be a bit clueless to that though, but that's another tangent.

So that's why I love the idea of him holding back so much and then having something that makes him snap, and it shows just how intensely he really feels. He's not truly that passive, or nonchalant. He would die for his friends and loved ones. He wants what's fair and right too. He cares too. And maybe he needs to breakdown so he can finally be comforted the way he really needed growing up.

So he ends up too self sacrificing, overworked, and holding back on his anger and being quiet because he didn't grow up in a loving environment where feelings could be safely shared, where he had to take care of others, because at the least, that gave him some control.

Cool. Gonna cry now!

[misterbitches]

so like life sucks right so im trying to pluck my face and i stumbled upon bounprem stuff even tho i've been watching like nothing or drumming videos (i lied... know why, cos i keep clicking on fanmade mvs for winteamidk why bc i hate watching them but they give me info in extremely close amounts of time)

ANYWAY

con: is boun rich? if so, shame

pro: everything else. i ESPECIALLLLLLLY like how they want to work behind the camera!!!!!!! it seems like that was boun's goal all along which really excites me as a ~filmmakeur~ and i like that prem may try it too. i laughed when he didnt know what a slate was but he didn't know about production and he's a green actor so i can believe that but he shouldnt sell himself short cos being an actor can give you a lot of insight into the behind the scenes work. it also makes u appreciate us more :)

this makes me want to hug my friends lmao i havent seen or touched friends and i'm fucking single and im high alone GOD WHY!!!!

anyway my point was that im high and love them and i hope they do art >:)

lastly, i hope they are friends forever they have great chemistry and their true actual care for e/o. i was thinking about how i don't ship people but i enjoy seeing good relationships esp in this context. bl is really devoid of a lot of shit but i think what's the best thing about seeing two people who share a space and are being looked at is the chemistry of how that dynamic works as co-workers and, hopefully, close friends. that's why pretend camraderie is important when doing (dumb) press-circuits (so people can make ze $)

it's always nice to see natural chemistry or people learning their rship or even people who may not be close after shooting (in any context, but here in particularly) but find themselves as older casual friends to catch up with. since this genre is so heavily focused on blurring those lines or whatever when things start getting weird (like from exposure and lack of good skilsl of acting and/or care or whatever idk im high) or they have shitty rships in between them for whatever reason u can immediately tell

so like oh your chemistry is real ! on top of that for some it's like oh real and ur playing characters that are falling in love. idk what im saying it's just reaally exciting to meeee u have a perosn with u supporting u thru the same process u r. also with two people there's always going to be someone who picks up not...slack but is more into a leadership type position (i hate using this word) but somoene you rely on if you arent the type to want to take care of eveyrthing—a lot of friends and couples do it (i do with my best friends. literally i'll be quiet and let them do things im too embarrassed to do but im still insanely forceful and i will play that role for them if needed) so bounprem have that in their natures and boun being older and slightly mroe mature (or i would say again different natures who knows)

it's the same type of joy you get and excitement you feel when ensemble casts truly like each other and it's ~natural energie~ (like in my engineer the whole feel of it i'm just like omg u guys are FRIENDS fijshoufija theyre so cute; hope theyre all okay) it also shows that you have someone/people you trust and having fun on set is really important. filming should be fun. a lot of times i don't like finishing shows because if the chemistry is good for the cast i feel like empty, like im leaving the set. that's a really good feeling tho!!!

anyway i think a big part of it (im still trying to articulate myself) is the fact that they dont have to be real but have the capacity to be and can set the limits of their rship but it's really nice to have a really influential set of people who want the best for you and vice versa esp if someone knows u more intimately in a capacity many people may not experience/understand because of ur job (IE showing as ~lovers~ but being friends irl even tho uve been very intimate for simulation and artistic value. this is based on a specific set of principles btw i'm not including sex work here bc it's also very different and a job in a different way but it doesnt make it lesseer than anything. all jobs suck tho)

ALSO I realize how easily their personalities fit winteam not in a 'they dont have to try" way cos they do and should. they're ok actors and the more u do and learn etc but the chemistry tests they probably had with them probably solidified that even though they are very diff than their characters. being an insanely good swimmer from jump gives the watcher the impression of probably perfectionism, a bit of torment, perhaps dumb jock syndrome, and having to be insanely good; for win the tattoos are an instant signifier instantly (if u c them) cos it's always like ~ooh what's the story~* lmao

[companionship]

okay one big post to get the finale out of my system! it's been lovely reading all of your analyses and reactions, and looking at all your amazing gifs and edits :')

fair warning: this is going to be so stinking long omfg

the things i enjoyed:

vincenzo remaining an anti-hero through and through, especially the fact that he didn't hold back at all when it came to myunghee and hanseok's death. he gave them a taste of their own medicine and then some forreal, their deaths were brutal but oddly satisfying, and i'm saying this as someone who usually hates violence/gore. throughout the show, they've always hinted at what he was Truly Capable Of and boy did we get to see it

vincenzo fumbling in hanseok's house and not being his usual self – a lot of people thought it was ooc, which i understand! i felt like that was the Point, to show that for once, he's not the invincible mafia consigliere that everyone thinks he is. what he did to the man who killed his mother and the army of security guards was a reaction, but this is the first time he's flustered, caught at a disadvantage, and faced with the very real possibility that he might lose somebody incredibly important to him. idk it made him more human to me

vincenzo literally not hesitating for even 0.1 seconds to fold his entire body around hers when he thought hanseok was going to shoot again – yeah that whole bit made my heart clench i feel like a crazy person i won't get over it

the chayenzo hospital scene... my god it was so tender my heart broke. the laugh they both shared, out of sheer relief that she's okay. the little joke about paying for the private room. the way not much was being said, but everything was being said at once. the way they looked at each other, as if it wouldnt ever be enough :( the quiet acceptance that this is their last night together, and that he's going to have to kill a bunch of people after this, but for now they have this. for however brief.

chayoung being chayoung – her big ass personality at the courtroom at the end after winning ms oh's case. her hopping around in those heels, looking elegant and sleek, mocking the hell out of rich conglomorates. she's in her element again and it made me so, so happy to see. i absolutely adore her, she's everything really. after all that loss and the whole ordeal, i'm glad she's able to return to what she does best: putting capitalists back in their place

mr lee being Very Much Not Dead – idk how i wouldve been able to handle it after witnessing hanseo's death like im glad he got the chance to be a dad

the kiss – my god....

the things i didn't like:

hanseo's death – lmao is it even a surprise... say what you will about his death being foreshadowed, but i really just hated hated it. i hate that hanseok won this one. i hate that hanseo worked so hard to redeem himself, only to lose it all. i hate that he was given a taste of what a real family was like, and then having it taken away so cruelly. even though i said above that i didn't mind that vincenzo was ooc at the mansion, i was still screaming at the screen because there were plenty of opportunities for the situation to be reversed. i don't necessarily blame vincenzo for hanseo's death, but i do wish that they had a funeral scene for him. i wish they acknowledged his sacrifice, and how pivotal he was in turning the tables. if not for hanseo, vincenzo really couldn't have pulled any of this off, from the interpol tipoff to the tracking device in the watch. idc idc hanseo is in malta rn, enjoying the sun and the beach, going to therapy, and teaching the local kids how to play hockey even though there's no ice :(

chayoung being bedridden the whole finale – like... NAH lmao this aint it chief... if things went my way, she wouldve gotten out of the hospital depite her injury and dealt with myunghee before handing her off to vincenzo. i loved their animosity for each other, and i wanted chayoung to be the one at myunghee's apartment waiting for her, rubbing it into her face. i wanted chayoung to verbally finish myunghee with that sharp ass tongue of hers and really dump a load of salt on her wounds. then vincenzo could do whatever the hell he wanted. you could argue that the show is called Vincenzo but i really dont care lmao it started with chayoung avenging her dad and she should've been able to strike the final blow. also what was her big second party? are we really just going to ignore her capacity for evil? after all that moral work done, after that time she spent coming to terms with using evil to combat evil, we're just going to... keep her bedridden? park jaebum u will pay for this

vincenzo losing his family – besides hanseo's death, i think this was what i hated the most from the ending. the start of the show showed us vincenzo's departure from the mafia with the very clear intention of Not Returning. the capo died, his loyalties lie with no one, paolo can suck it. throughout the show, we see him repeat over and over that he wants to get the gold and skip off to malta to enjoy a peaceful life there, while reflecting/repenting for the things he's done. vincenzo was gearing up for a lifetime of solitude. the whole point of the show was for him to find a real family and have a real chance at happiness. park jaebum really said FUCK THAT! we're gonna have him ditch the family that he built from scratch with the love of his life and then make him return to the family that tried to kill him AND make him the capo... pjb said we're gonna separate vincenzo from the family that accepts his past and sees it as a strength and not a weakness. the family that was formed out of solidarity, the family that he fought for and fought alongside with blood, sweat and tears. not to mention the goddaughter of his? sorry i would laugh if it didn't actually rile me up so bad

vincenzo not being able to come back to korea – i've said this in another post of mine, but given that he is The Vincenzo Cassano with all those resources at his disposal (guillotine file, mr ahn/mr cho/the chief etc.), the fact that he isnt even able to stay in korea for 30 fuckin minutes after finishing hanseok was ridiculous. the whole police chase was dumb as hell considering that the show has managed to stop politicians and mf presidential candidates from going after him like ? huh LMAO park jaebum had an on-demand pigeon army in this show and Yet he can't stop like 10 suddenly-righteous policemen. another big ass HUH

chayenzo (here we go...):

NOPE! i've reflected on the ending and decided that i'm going to be petty and salty for a while more before coming to terms with it

i can rationalise and try to be positive and tell myself that their love is enduring can transcend space and time and that in due time, they will find their way back to each other, and i have no doubt that they will because they're one soul in two bodies. it's quite literally canon that they're soulmates.

but let me wallow for a second

here we have two people who have done questionable and terrible things in their past coming together, growing together, grieving together, fighting together... you get the gist of it. you have two people who have found a home in each other. two people who, for all intents and purposes, were about to live in a whole lot of bitterness and solitude if not for each other and the life they built together (chayoung didn't have friends like that, and her family is gone too). to separate them like that at the very end is cruel. i know chayoung and vincenzo are mature and incredible and will be able to function without the other next to them. i know that they will still excel as lawyers and will defeat evil with their underhand methods the way they do so well but my god are they going to feel the absence and miss each other

my point is that they shouldn't have to. from what i could tell, they can't even communicate on a regular basis bc he'll be tracked and whatnot, hence the postcards. a postcard every month is a poor substitute for all those nights they stayed up drinking makgeolli and celebrating their wins. its a shitty replacement for coffee dates and fist bumps and all the moments in between. after everything they've been through, after literally fighting to death for their family, they don't deserve this. they don't deserve to meet up once a year for a couple of hours. they don't deserve pockets of time in malta or korea, their life in a perpetual countdown to when they're going to see each other next

they both deserve love and some semblance of peace (finally finally). they both deserve to have someone to come home to after a hard day of work, because doing what they do cannot be easy. they both deserve a family, deserve to have someone next to them that accepts their past and would embrace their future. they both deserve a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. i know they will still be It for each other despite the distance, i just wish the distance didn't even exist in the first place bc its stupid and cruel and their love shouldnt have to be proven or tested with time and space. let them stay together. let them grow together. let them be.

side note: song joongki and jeon yeobeen need another project together idc take it up with god

tl;dr: park jaebum u will be paying for my therapy bills