#i really tried to turn around me dental hygiene so i’m so fucking glad it actually has results

[tendergore]

GREAT NEWS BOYS

i only got 2 new cavities 😭🫶🏼

(last time i had 11)

(last time was several years ago)

[flowerfan2]

Close to You - Ch. 5/11

Stucky, M, 18k so far, A03

Although Steve and Bucky are finally in the same place, they aren’t as close as they would like.  And Steve’s having trouble being close to anyone. 

Chapter 5

They don’t speak during the cab ride home, or in the elevator going up to their apartment, or before Steve locks himself in the bathroom.  Bucky wonders if Stark Tower has an endless supply of hot water, because it seems like Steve has decided to stay in the shower indefinitely.

Bucky cleans up in the other bathroom, changes into sleep pants and a tank top, and paces around the living room for a little while.  But it’s late, and he’s tired, and as much as he really wants to talk to Steve about what happened tonight, he’s starting to accept that Steve really doesn’t want to.

Bucky’s in bed, half-heartedly reading a sci fi novel on his tablet, when Steve finally gets out of the bathroom.  Bucky sits still, not wanting to rock the boat, and waits for Steve to crawl under the covers like he always does.  But when a few more minutes pass and Steve hasn’t joined him, he gets a sick feeling in his stomach.  Trying not to be too obvious, he gets out of bed, stretches, and goes to get a drink of water from the kitchen.

As he passes through the living room he sees Steve curled up under a throw blanket on the couch, eyes pressed tightly closed.  He’s not coming to bed tonight at all, Bucky realizes, and the sting of rejection shoots through him.

He’s back in the bedroom before he knows it, cowering in the closet, trying to get control over his brain which just keeps screaming something along the lines of “you incredible fuck up” at high volume.  <i>Steve just needs space,</i> he tells himself.  <i>It’s ok, it’s not a big deal, relax.</i>  After a few minutes of arguing with himself Bucky stumbles out of the closet and into bed, curls up in the heavy blanket Steve left behind, and tries to fall asleep.

An hour later, he’s moved past berating himself and instead is growing steadily angrier at Steve.  <i>I was just trying to help him,</i>  he thinks.  And even if Steve was upset at the time, sulking like a toddler is no way to solve problems.  Steve’s mean streak doesn’t show itself very often, and it seems tremendously unfair for it to surface now, when Bucky had just been looking out for him.

Bucky gets out of bed, the speech he’s about to deliver to Steve well-rehearsed, and strides into the living room.  But his plans fly right out the door when Steve looks up at him.  There’s something in Steve’s eyes, a barely contained panic, that claws at Bucky’s chest.

 Bucky sits down on the coffee table, knees not quite touching the side of the couch where Steve’s head is resting.  “Hey, buddy,” he says softly.

 Steve blinks up at him, and tears gather in his eyes.  “Bucky… I’m… I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s okay.”

 “No, no – it isn’t.” Steve struggles to sit up, tangled in the blankets, but finally rights himself and scrubs at his eyes.  “It’s not anything like okay.  What I did…”

 Bucky is surprised at the fervor in Steve’s voice.  He’s clearly been giving himself the same “I’m a fuck-up” lecture that Bucky’s brain delivered a little while ago.

 “Really, Steve, I’m fine.”

 “Yeah, but that’s not the point,” Steve insists, his voice rising.  “After everything you’ve been through, everything that’s happened, for me to raise a hand to you… it’s unforgiveable.”

 Bucky almost laughs but coughs to cover it up, shaking his head insistently.  “No, no, no, Steve.  Come on, no.  All you did was shove me.  In what possible way is that unforgiveable?”  Brainwashing and torture is unforgivable.  Getting thrown across the room into his boss is just another day at the office.

 But Steve has convinced himself that he has committed a grave crime, and buries his face in his hands, unable or unwilling to answer.

 “Steve, hey,” Bucky speaks as gently as he can.  “Look at me.”

 Steve sniffles and rubs his face, but eventually looks up.  “What?”

 “Do you ever think about how unlikely it is that we are here together?  In this time, this place?”  Bucky glances around the apartment.  “We’ve got everything we need and so much more – we never even dreamed we could have a life like this.  Right?”

 Steve looks a little confused, but he nods.  “Yeah.”

 “This never should have happened.  So, given how unlikely this scenario is, the fact that you and me are here, with each other, every day… working together, going to stupid charity balls together… we’re close enough to scuffle sometimes, Steve, and that’s okay.”

 Steve is beginning to get the picture, but he’s still frowning.  Stubborn.

  “Steve, a shove from you isn’t a big deal, believe me.  A shove from you is like Christmas morning compared to-”

 “I still shouldn’t have done it.”

 “Look,” Bucky says, moving in closer.  “I’m good with you shoving me all you want.  Shove me over so you can climb out of bed.  Shove me in the kitchen so you can grab your favorite coffee mug.  Shove me out of the way so you can spit out your toothpaste in the sink.”

 Steve’s eyes lighten, and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.  “You do hog the sink.”

 “Some people care about proper dental hygiene.”

 “I’ve got the serum, Buck, I’m never getting gum disease.”

 “You’re gonna look dumb with dentures, that’s all I’m saying.”

 Steve’s shoulders have relaxed, and he looks less like a golden retriever about to be scolded, but his face falls a little as he reaches out to touch his fingers to Bucky’s chest. “Bucky.  Did I hurt you?”

 Bucky grabs the hem of his tank and pulls it up, showing Steve his unmarked chest.  “Nope.  Still as pretty as I was before.”  Unless you count the scars and metal.

 Steve doesn’t take the joke well, though, and presses the palm of his hand to Bucky’s skin, right where the bruise from their scuffle would have been, if it hadn’t healed so quickly.  “You’re really not mad?”

 Bucky starts to answer, to swear that he isn’t, and then stops and considers his words. “Truthfully?  I was, before.”

 Steve’s brow creases, and Bucky hurries to explain.

 “I was worried about you, and you pushed me away.”

 “Thought you said you didn’t mind a shove,” Steve says, getting defensive.

 “I’m not talking about the physical part.”

 There’s a weighted pause, and then Steve breathes out a long sigh.  “Fuck.  When was the last time I gave you the silent treatment?”

 Bucky shrugs.  “Don’t remember.  Long time ago.  But it still sucks.”

 Steve looks pained. “I’m an ass.”

 “Yeah, sometimes you are.” It comes out a little more bitter than Bucky meant it to, and he sighs.  “But I love you anyway, Steve.  Always will.”

 Steve just stares at Bucky for a long moment, and Bucky wonders if he’s somehow said something wrong. But then Steve leans forward and wraps his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, pulling him in close and tucking his head against his neck.  “Love you too, Buck, love you too.”

 *****

The next morning Bucky wakes to the delicious smell of sizzling bacon.  He shuffles out into the kitchen where Steve is cooking up a storm.

 “Morning,” Bucky mumbles, and Steve turns to him, a shy smile spreading over his face.

 “You’re gorgeous, you know.”

 Bucky feels himself flush, and takes a quick look over himself.  Wrinkled tank top that hasn’t been washed in a few days, sleep pants he stole from Steve that are a little too long on him.  Not exactly high fashion.

 “I mean it.”  Steve steps closer and pushes a strand of Bucky’s hair back over his ear.  “I don’t tell you often enough.”

 Pretty sure he’s never said it ever, but Bucky isn’t about to argue right now.

 “Thanks, pal.  You’re not so bad yourself.”

 Steve’s smile widens, and he turns back to the stove, ducking his head.  “Eggs are almost ready.  Want coffee?”

 Bucky slides up next to Steve and crowds him a little as he reaches up into the cabinet, Steve intentionally not moving away.  When Bucky gets his mug Steve gives him a gentle hip check, and they both grin at each other.  Close enough to shove, indeed.

 Soon they’re both seated at the table, plates piled high with eggs and bacon and toast.  “What brought this on?”  Bucky asks, not sure if he wants Steve to address his flirty demeanor or the fact that he made breakfast.

 Steve takes another bite of bacon, and then pops the rest of his piece into Bucky’s mouth.  Bucky does not choke in surprise, although it’s a near thing.

 “Thought we might want a little sustenance before meeting with Coulson.”

 Oh, right.  “You’re… um.”  Bucky halts, not wanting to screw up this extremely pleasant morning.

 “I’m gonna tell him the truth, Buck.  Don’t worry.” Steve spreads jam on another piece of toast and holds it out for Bucky to take a bite.  “Try this – it’s that ginger apricot stuff Bruce gave us.  It’s awesome.”

 Bucky obediently takes a bite and smiles at Steve as he chews.  “It is.”

 Maybe Steve’s mood and their upcoming meeting with Coulson are related – maybe Steve is glad that he won’t need to hide anymore.  Bucky just hopes Coulson goes easy on him.  It’s not every day that your idol doesn’t live up to the image on your vintage baseball cards.

 *****

Bucky waits in a conference room while Steve talks to Coulson.  The fact that Coulson wanted to talk to them separately could mean either that he’s being sensitive about what is obviously a difficult topic for Steve, or that he wants to interrogate them to see if they both say the same things. Of course, Bucky’s not really concerned that Coulson can get anything out of him that he doesn’t want to say. Still, it would be nice to know in which direction this is going.

 Steve comes out to find him after only ten minutes or so.

 “That was quick.”

 Steve shrugs.  “Just told him the truth.”  He’s not as chipper as he was this morning, but he’s still fairly calm.  “Your turn.”

 Bucky sits calmly in Coulson’s office and waits for his boss to speak.  Coulson, for his part, seems to be doing the same.

 “Sorry we got into it at Stark’s charity thing,” Bucky finally says.  Superiors like apologies, it can’t hurt to start there.

 “I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this on your own,” Coulson replies.  

 Bucky could not have been more surprised than if HYDRA sent him apology flowers.  “Um, what?”  he says eloquently, his mind racing to figure out if Coulson is being sincere.

 Coulson gets up from his chair and walks around to the front of his desk, leaning back against it. “You’ve been trying to shoulder Captain Rogers’ burden.  Take care of him.  That’s not your job.”

 “It kind of is,” Bucky says, before he can think twice about it, and Coulson cracks a wry smile.

 “Be that as it may, I wish he had come clean earlier.  I think we could have avoided some of the drama.  And, you know, helped him.”

 “There’s always going to be drama with Steve,” Bucky sighs, and then shakes his head.  Who the hell is this man, that Bucky completely loses his filter?  

 Coulson barks out a laugh. “You’d know, wouldn’t you?  Well, that’s all I really wanted to say.  I’m glad you’re both seeing Prisha – she’s one of the best, I couldn’t have suggested someone better.  I’ll be talking more to Captain Rogers about this, but for now, I just wanted us to get on the same page.  Let me know if there’s anything I can to do help.”

 *****

Later that afternoon, idly slapping around a punching bag in the gym, Bucky thinks about his meeting with Coulson.  He had expected Coulson to press him for details, to try to get him to reveal Steve’s secrets.  Does the fact that he didn’t interrogate Bucky mean Coulson’s trying to trick him, or is he legitimately letting Steve tell him at his own pace?  Bucky sighs.  Maybe he’s got other ways of knowing their secrets.

 In any case, Coulson did seem sincere about wanting to help.  Bucky just hopes Steve lets him.

 By the time Steve gets to the gym Bucky has already showered and is heading upstairs.  They pass each other in the doorway, Steve frowning in apology.

 “Meant to get here sooner. Sorry.”

 “It’s okay.  See you upstairs?”

 Bucky pulls out some sandwich stuff for dinner, eating slices of swiss cheese as he puts together a pretty boring salad.  Turns out even when you have enough money to buy any food you want, making dinner can still be a chore.  

 It’s a few hours before Steve gets back, and he seems beat.  They eat in silence in front of the television, watching some dumb cooking show that Bruce had recommended.  

 Bucky’s aware his mood isn’t great, and he wishes he could pull himself out of it.  But Steve isn’t helping much either.  

 <i>Some days will be hard, no matter what you do,</i> Prisha tells them.  Guess she’s right.

 It’s not late when Steve heads off to bed.  Bucky follows him, just glad that they’re both going to be in the same place tonight.

 Bucky takes his time brushing his teeth and getting into his sleep clothes, giving Steve the space to just fall asleep (or pretend to fall asleep) if he wants to.  But when Bucky slides under the covers, Steve turns to face him.

 “Night, Buck,” Steve says softly, and leans over to press a kiss to Bucky’s lips.  Just as Steve starts to pull back, Bucky feels him hesitate, and almost reaches up to cup his neck and keep him there.  But he’s too slow, and then Steve is gone, back on his side of the bed.

 “Night, Steve.”

 It’s quiet for a few minutes, and then Steve speaks, barely above a whisper.

 “This is the best part of my day.”

 A warmth surges in Bucky’s chest, but he can’t miss the sad twinge in Steve’s voice.

 “I like it too, pal,” Bucky says gently.

 “Wish it didn’t go by so fast.”

 Bucky blinks in surprise, as his heart rate speeds up.  “It doesn’t have to.”  He slides closer to Steve, rests his fingertips lightly on his shoulder.  “Can I give you a good night kiss, too?”  he asks, his voice shaking.

 Steve nods, and Bucky leans in.  This time when their lips touch Steve lets out a sound low in his throat.  Bucky thinks he can feel Steve’s kiss all the way down to his toes.

 He lingers, letting his mouth slide open, and Steve does the same.  Suddenly it’s not a single good night kiss anymore, but a series of soft, gentle touches, a little tongue.  A careful tug on Bucky’s bottom lip.  Bucky feels Steve’s hand come up to the back of his head, holding him firmly against Steve, and he melts.

 Steve tugs at Bucky’s lip again, uses his teeth this time, and then shifts to press a kiss to Bucky’s neck, and up behind his ear.  Bucky is breathing faster, struggling to remember to keep the rest of his body away from Steve.  But Steve is making it difficult, teasing with his tongue as he returns to Bucky’s mouth, increasing the pressure and intensity of his kisses until Bucky is dizzy with it.

 Bucky doesn’t know how long it goes on until Steve pulls back.  There’s a dazed expression on Steve’s face and his lips are red and swollen, and he ducks his head for a moment.  The hand that was tangled in Bucky’s hair drops down to his neck, then trails down his arm.

 When Steve looks up, he’s got a proud smile on his face.  “Was that okay?”

 Bucky grins and laughs. “Yeah.  Yeah, that was okay.”  Steve’s still staring at him, so Bucky leans in and smacks a playful kiss against those gorgeous lips.  “Steve, it was fucking amazing.  You’re amazing.”

 Steve blushes.  “I don’t know if I can – if all the time I can…”

 “Don’t worry about it. I know.  It’s okay.”  Bucky moves his hand to Steve’s face, traces a finger down his cheekbone.  “I’m not gonna expect it.”

 Steve tilts his head, presses his cheek into Bucky’s hand.  “Feels so good to be close to you, Buck.”

 He’s almost shaking under Bucky’s hand, trembling, and Bucky aches.  “Come here,” he breathes out, and slides his shoulder under Steve’s head. Steve tenses, just for a moment, and then relaxes, head against Bucky’s soft t-shirt, not seeming to mind the metal underneath.  

 “I’m not too heavy?” Steve asks, his breath puffing warm against Bucky.

 “No, you’re not too heavy.” Bucky slowly touches his hand to Steve’s head and starts to card his fingers through his hair.  Steve shudders, digging his face into Bucky’s chest.

 “Buck…” It’s an appeal, or an apology.  Bucky’s not sure.

 “It’s okay, Stevie. Rest.  It’s okay.”

 *****

 The next day Steve has an early meeting to discuss some new intel that Coulson thinks relates to a mission from months ago.  Bucky can’t fall back to sleep after Steve leaves, so he goes for a run, then putters around the apartment.  He can’t stop thinking about last night, about the heat of their kisses, how Steve trailed his lips over the skin on his neck.  Bucky knows just because Steve did it last night, they won’t do it all the time. He knows this.  But he thinks it’s okay if he hopes.

 Unfortunately Steve is in a grumpy mood when he finally gets back from his meeting.  He rejects each of Bucky’s suggestions for the afternoon – he doesn’t want to go for a walk, or spar, or watch a movie.  He’s not interested in getting together with Sam, who just texted to see if they wanted to go out for Thai tonight, or in checking out the used bookstore Bruce recommended.

 Bucky finally gives up, throws on a long-sleeved hoodie over his t-shirt, and goes up to the common area. Natasha and Pepper are there, lounging on the couches.  Bucky is in the process of sneaking back out  - he’s fairly comfortable around the guys, Sam and Bruce especially, but he hardly knows Pepper - when Natasha sees him.

 “Bucky?  Come join us.  Pepper made mai tais.”

 He hesitates, but Natasha is looking at him so easily, like it’s perfectly normal to just hang out together, he can’t find it in himself to run away.  At least they’re friendly.  Not like super-grump downstairs.

 “Don’t think I’ve ever had a mai tai.”

 Natasha passes him her glass for a taste.  “We hadn’t either.  But Pepper ‘s going on a trip somewhere with fancy drinks, so I’m helping her prepare.”

 The drink has a real flower floating in it, something purple and white and pretty, and a slice of pineapple stuck to the rim.  It takes like rum and fruit juice.

 “You like it?  I can make you one of your own.”  Pepper is already standing and going over to the bar.

 “She ordered the flowers special,” Natasha says, taking her drink back from Bucky.  “Let her play.”

 “Sure.”

 Pepper starts telling Bucky about her upcoming trip, a reunion of sorts with a group of college friends, one of whom decided that Hawaii was the right destination for this year’s get-together.  She’s got on a blue silk top and linen pants, but her feet are bare, and she props them up on the coffee table when she returns with Bucky’s drink.  

 Natasha’s role in the conversation seems to be to highlight all the ways this trip could possibly go wrong, and Pepper humors her, brushing off her concerns with a shrug.  

 “If aliens attack, they probably won’t show up in Oahu first,” Pepper says.  “And if they do, you guys can all join me for a mai tai when you’re done fending them off.”

 Natasha lets it go, and they start to run through all the errands Pepper needs to do before she leaves. Bucky is zoning out, and he’s thinking about heading back to his own place when he realizes Pepper’s talking to him.

 “Um, what?  Sorry.”

 “Don’t let us keep you up.” Natasha grins wryly.  

 “I was just asking about Steve,” Pepper says.  “He promised me a dance at the ball the other night, but I never even saw him leave. Everything okay?”

 Bucky freezes for a moment, then flashes a wide smile.  “He didn’t want to turn into a pumpkin.”

 Natasha laughs.  “Did you find his shoe, Pepper?  I hear that’s the key to solving this type of mystery.”

 Pepper frowns at them. “I can’t tell if you two are deflecting or just naturally obnoxious.”

 Natasha stands up, taking her empty glass into the kitchen.  “Then you clearly don’t know us well enough.”

 Bucky’s able to say his goodbyes without Pepper pressing him more about Steve, although the look she gives him as he gets into the elevator carries a fairly clear message.   Coulson may have made their excuses for them, but apparently whatever he said wasn’t very convincing.  Bucky and Steve need to get their stories straight – not just about the charity ball, but about the whole damn situation.

 Steve is at the stove when Bucky comes in, and the apartment smells fantastic.

 “Whatcha’ making?” Bucky toes off his shoes and comes into the kitchen.

 “Spaghetti and meatballs.”

 There’s a wooden spoon in the pot of simmering tomato sauce, so Bucky gives it a careful taste.  It’s delicious.  “Nice.”  It’s comfort food, one of their favorites.  

 Steve turns to Bucky. “Sorry I was such a pill before.”

 Bucky shrugs it off. “It’s all right.”

 “Where’d you go?” Steve has turned back to the stove, but Bucky can hear the nervous twinge in his voice.

 “Common area.  Pepper and Natasha made me mai tais.”  Bucky proceeds to fill Steve in on Pepper’s trip, and Natasha’s teasing, and the mood stays light all the way through dinner.

 It’s not until they’re seated at opposite ends of the couch, groaning from the ridiculous amount of pasta and meatballs they’ve just consumed, that the topic of conversation turns more serious.

 “I don’t think I can do this – I don’t know how,” Steve says, in the middle of a debate over whether they should binge a new Netflix show.

 Bucky stiffens, and Steve’s eyes widen.  “No – not – not us, I mean, I don’t know how to do us, either, but that’s not what I meant.”

 A wave of relief passes through Bucky, and he rushes to reassure Steve.  “You’re doing fine – with us.”  He stuck out his foot and poked Steve in the thigh.  “Really.”  Steve shrugs, not accepting it.  “So, um, what did you mean?”

 Steve sighs.  “Coulson said I should tell him what I can and can’t handle.  But it’s not that I can’t handle things, I can.  I have been, and it’s been fine.  How the hell am I supposed to back out of this just because it makes me uncomfortable?  It’s my job.”

 “It’s been fine? Really?”

 “Mostly, yeah.” Steve’s not looking at Bucky, but even in profile the stubborn set of his jaw is clear.

 Bucky licks his lips and turns to face Steve.  “Want to know what I think?”

 There’s a beat, and Bucky steels himself, afraid that Steve might just stomp out of the room.  But then Steve lets out a long breath and shifts to meet Bucky’s eyes.  “Sure. Tell me.”

 <i>Don’t screw it up,</i> Bucky thinks to himself.  “I think there are a lot of ways your job can be adjusted to make it not be so awful for you.”

 Steve screws up his face, about to protest that it isn’t awful, but Bucky shakes his head and goes on.

 “You can still have public appearances – give speeches, and so on.  But eliminate the meet and greets for a while.  Add in some television or, even better, radio stuff.  Podcasts, people love podcasts.  Events where you can still get the message out, without triggering your anxiety.”

 “You sound like Prisha.”

 “Is that a bad thing? I bet she’d have some advice, too.”

 Steve rubs the back of his neck, considering.  “Those are good ideas, Buck.”

 “Well, it’s not rocket science.”

 “You really think it’d be okay, if we made some changes?  Wouldn’t Pepper be mad?  She puts so much effort into these parties.”

 Bucky tilts his head at Steve and pokes his thigh again with his toe.  “Pepper cares about you.  I think she’d be relieved to know what’s going on.  And honored to help.”

 Steve wraps a big hand around Bucky’s bare foot and gives it a squeeze.  “All right.  I’ll think about it.”  

 They go back to watching television, some British murder mystery show that neither of them is really paying attention to.  After a little while Steve’s eyes start drifting shut, and on a whim, Bucky looks over at him and then pats his own thigh.  “Lie down?”

 Steve blinks at him, and then complies, resting his head on Bucky’s leg and pulling his feet up on to the couch.  Bucky touches him gently on the shoulder, and Steve hums softly.  It’s good.

 Later, when Bucky is convinced Steve has fallen asleep (he knows his leg has, but he’s not about to make Steve move), he hears Steve mutter to himself about radio shows.  It sounds like he’s trying to psych himself up for a talk with Coulson.  

 “Just wish I could tell him to shove the whole thing,” Bucky hears Steve say, and his heart clenches in his chest.  It’s not fair, what has been asked of Steve.  Bucky may have some decent ideas about how to make things a little better – really, Steve would have come up with them himself if he hadn’t been so stubborn about it – but it’s not enough.  There has to be something more he can do.