#i really liked it growing up but watching it now is a bit eurgh

[technowings]

Watching 'non sequitur' and you would REALLY think that star fleet (and even civilians close to it) would be used to dimensional and temporal anomalies and take them seriously. Like, there should be some protocol taught to all cadets on what to do and how to report being in such a situation.

I know it probably wouldn't make for such dramatic tv but STILL, from a world building point of view? There should be at least a small department whose entire job is to take reports and investigate these sorts of shenanaigans. The existence and size of such a department can itself be a benchmark for dimensional location/constancy.

[clickerflight]

Burned at the stake: Part 2

We vibe. I really like this part, actually, especially at the end. The basis of this is that one time my mum gouged her hand on accident, and it hurt a lot when it healed because there had been a nerve ending that needed to grow back there a little.

Now imagine it for an entire body.

Content: Vampire whumpee, questionable caretakers, discussions on how to keep a vampire trapped, blood, semi detailed description of a vampire growing back their body, burning

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list

Part 1

.......................................

“Eurgh,” Joanna muttered to herself. She stood in the bathroom stall, case open on the back of the toilet. They only had about 20 minutes of stillness from the heart so she waited till she and Kyle were near the front of the line before going to the bathroom to hide the heart. She had lifted the board she’d use to get the heart to freeze flatter and saw the now white thing covered in ice crystals. She had a tanktop under her bra to try and keep the ice off her skin directly, but this was still going to be unpleasant.

“Are you alright?” a heavily accented voice from another stall asked and Joanna nearly swore and dropped the heart into the toilet. 

“Er, yeah. I’m fine,” Joanna said, steeling herself to be silent as she hid the heart. 

She slid the heart under her shirt, leaving the case in the bathroom and leaving the stall. She washed her hands, checking to see if the heart would be too visible, and left the bathroom before the other woman could leave her stall.  She took her place in line next to Kyle. 

They put their bags on the conveyor, put shoes and belts where they needed to be and passed through the detector. The cold of the heart was starting to melt and she was grateful that she'd put it in a ziplock bag so the water didn’t show through her thick shirt, though, at this point, any water stain that showed up would probably match her pit stains. 

She sighed as they were passed through and her and Kyle started heading to the plane. As they finished loading, the heart began to move and she quickly slipped it down her shirt and into her bag. 

“You’re doing it next time,” she muttered to Kyle, who just made a face. 

…………………

There was a heart on her kitchen counter. And she didn’t know what to do with it. Kyle had gone home after making sure she was settled. As settled as one could be with a heart beating steadily against the cold marble. She should sleep. The plane trip had been stressful and there had been some confusion with the luggage, but she couldn’t… well, she couldn’t help but feel bad about just leaving the heart to thump alone through the night. 

The heart hadn’t shown any sign of growing back, and according to the internet, that wasn’t a good thing. It meant that the vampire was either diseased or severely starved. How long had the heart been out there to let a vampire drain completely dry? Did the sun speed up the process? How long?

Joanna felt like she was losing her mind watching the heart on the counter. It hadn’t even healed where she had torn it off the pole. She couldn’t…. Leave it like that, right? From what she understood of vampires, being just a heart was incredibly awful. 

Joanna bit her lip. “I’ll be back,” she muttered, brushing her hand over the heart. She got out a thing of frozen beef, poking a hole in the wrapping and leaving it on the plate. A bit of beef blood should leak out and she could leave the heart in it overnight. She wasn’t really interested in poking herself to feed the vampire, especially if it turned out that the vampire was dangerous. 

Still, she’d see if there were any butchers nearby in the morning where she could buy some blood for the heart. 

She stayed up, listening to music and reading up on vampires and how they work and all the details about them while the meat thawed. Finally, she moved the meat to another plate and stuck it in the fridge. She might use it for breakfast the next morning. 

Joanna picked up the heart and it pulsed against her hand in what she interpreted as a friendly way, though its pulse picked up whenever she held it, like it remembered being frozen. 

“Sorry about that,” she said softly. “You’ll like this much better.”

She put the heart on the plate in the middle of the blood, stared at it for a moment, and then turned to go to bed without any further decorum. 

………………………

The Heart sat in the East hands. The Heart wasn’t certain of what the hands would do to it this time. Last time had been…. Unpleasant? The Heart couldn’t truly decide what to feel about it. It had been cold and dark and then it had been warm and the Heart could feel the East Heart very near. What was the purpose of it? What did it mean? What did the hands want with it now?

Then, the East hands gently placed it on a surface slick with-

The Heart was very content that night and the faint pain of missing flesh on the heart faded after only an hour. 

………………………

Kyle stood nervously at Joanna’s door, waiting. He rang the doorbell more frequently than he probably should have, but all he could imagine was Joanna bleeding on the heart and the thing exploding into a monster that killed her overnight. The stake hidden in his pocket didn’t feel heavy enough to be a good weapon, though he knew that it would be enough. Everyone knew. It was just a fact, wasn’t it? 

The door opened and Joanna in all of her PJ glory glared at him. 

“Get in here,” she said, annoyed, stepping back.

“Sorry,” he said, glad to see her okay and also quite displeased with her tone of voice. “Don’t mind me. I was just worried you’ve been eaten.”

She scoffed. “Eaten? Seriously, do you know anything about vampires? Even with a barrel of blood the heart wouldn’t grow back enough to eat me in one night.”

“Can I see?”

She waved him over to the kitchen where the heart was laid out on a plate. It pumped along happily enough. There were some stains on the plate, but it seemed that the now pink heart had absorbed most of it. The damage to its side was healed and it had even started to grow back its aorta and some fatty tissue. 

“See, harmless,” she said, rolling her eyes as Kyle gently poked the heart, noticing the way it flinched back a little. 

“Okay, harmless, but you’re not actually thinking of growing it all back, are you? It’s not safe!”

“Kyle. I’m not stupid. I’m making a plan, okay.”

“What kind of plan?”

“Well,” Joanna said, sounding a little uncomfortable now. “It’s, ah, I have a shed out back. I'm gonna clear it out and line it with silver or something. I was going to start planning it out today.”

“You’re….going to keep a vampire in your shed?”

“Only until I know it’s safe,” Joanna said with a shrug. 

“And how are you so sure?” Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow. “That it’ll be safe?”

Joanna shrugged, glancing at the pulsing heart. 

Kyle shook his head. “You’re insane. We’re insane. We shouldn’t be doing this. We should pass it off to one of those organizations that deal with this sort of thing.”

Joanna frowned, glancing at the heart herself. They should. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to know what the vampire knew, what sorts of things it saw. She… almost needed to know. The vampire was in the middle of Africa in a hidden jungle with enough ash to make a permanent clearing. How old was it? Where was it born? She needed to know.

“I’ll handle it, Kyle,” she said cheerfully. “Okay?”

Kyle gave her a look. “Okay. I… have to go help some friends write up some papers. Talk to you later.”

“See ya,” Joanna said, and Kyle was gone just as nervously as he came. 

……………………………..

Joanna let the heart only have faint blood leavings as she worked. Now that she had decided to build up her shed to hold a vampire, she worked on it faster than anything else she’d ever done. Of course, silver was very expensive so she had taken to looking up other ways to keep a vampire contained. If she just had silver cuffs attaching the vampire to something like a silver pole, it shouldn’t be able to cause her harm, and she would always carry a stake with her. The internet had revealed that vampires tended to be very weak after growing all the way back and would remain so for a while, so it ought to be easy. 

Joanna looked at the prices of the items she would need and winced. It was all so expensive. She wished she could have taken the silver chains from that clearing and just paid a silversmith to use some of the links to make the cuffs. 

She sighed and left her computer alone. She opened her kitchen drawer to grab a fork, prepared to eat some leftovers when she paused. She got the forks from a garage sale and found out later that they were silver. She wondered…..

…��……………..

“So, uh, I thought you were growing it back,” Kyle asked, watching the heart on the counter. It pulsed along contentedly, now nearly covered in fatty tissue and starting to develop more veins. Still, it hadn’t grown much from where it had been. 

“I am,” Joanna replied cheerfully. “Slowly. I’ll give it what it really needs when I have the shed done.”

“And how’s that going?”

“Great! I’m planning on putting a table or cot or something for it to lay on and covering the floor in these silver coins. I got them for a great deal from some older people who are cleaning out their house. I also managed to get in touch with a silversmith who agreed to get me some of his oxidized shaving I can put down too. Then the vampire can’t touch the floor and I’m going to figure out something to cuff a leg or whatever to the table so it can’t jump at me. Silver lock on the door, of course, already got that.”

“You’re really going for it,” Kyle said, feeling a little… sick? This was a person they were talking about. They were talking about how to trap someone in her shed. Then again, he had suggested it. He had wanted her to be safe but now…..

“Right? I can’t believe I was just going to grow it back without thinking about precautions. Thank you, Kyle.”

A needling voice in the back of his head said, yeah, thank you Kyle. He couldn’t help but imagine it was the vampire saying it. 

…………………………

It was finished. Joanna stood in the shed, plate in hand with the heart and smiled at it all. The floor was covered in little silver trinkets, the silver lock shone in the sun, and the wood table stood ready for the Heart. She put it down and grabbed the bucket of pig's blood she had bought, opening it up and breathing through her mouth as she used a measuring cup to scoop some out and pour it on the plate around the heart. The heart pulsed faster in excitement and began to turn red as the blood infused with its cells, spreading all throughout. With so much blood to feed from, Joanna could watch the tissue grow back, the veins spreading out like little feelers, flesh starting to form properly around the heart, and even the pale beads of what looked to be bone beginning to form under the heart. 

Joanna grinned and watched for a long time. She left only to get a stool to sit on and watch. She felt almost special to see a vampire regenerate from its baseline, and she couldn’t tear her eyes away. As the ribs started properly forming, she even pulled out her phone to record it as muscles formed behind the heart to separate it from the bones. It seemed that once the beginnings of bones formed the body focused on reforming those and the muscles and ligaments needed to hold it all together before worrying about the other flesh. 

A spine had developed and the beginnings of a skull when Joanna finally convinced herself to sleep. She took the cup and drizzled blood all over the body one more time before closing the bucket and leaving, locking the door behind her. 

……………………

Blood. There was so much blood. The Heart had been content with what little it had been given as it eased the aches and gave it something interesting to focus on. Now, there was a plethora of it. The Heart consumed it eagerly, healing and regenerating. It could not feel outside of itself yet, but it knew it had more flesh than before, and would happily keep growing it. There was a faint strangeness that started to develop away from it. Like the awareness was beginning to migrate ever so slowly up a column. The heart sensed it with interest, intrigued by the feeling of it all. 

There was a snap and suddenly there was only pain. He had no mouth with which to scream, no ears to hear or eyes to see. There was just the violent pain that seared up his spine, like someone was taking a silver knife and splitting him in half. He couldn’t move since he didn’t have enough muscles built yet. He couldn’t do anything but lay there and take it. 

His mind whited out with the pain, the exact sensations printed into his memory. Esial was a being made of pain, and the pain was spreading as nerve endings spread into flesh. It felt like he was having his flesh gouged out with sharpened spoons. What little muscle he had was beginning to cramp as it flinched and pulled, trying instinctively to get away. He still couldn’t scream, but as more muscles formed, he started to spasm and move what little of his body he had, which was little more than a ribcage, skull, and spine. 

He writhed on the surface he was laid upon. The surface disappeared and he landed on something that burned him, adding to his pain and slowing the regeneration. He writhed about, trying to escape the burning. He didn’t deserve this. He killed those people to protect himself but he didn’t deserve this! Why was this to be his eternity? Constant suffering was all he had known for so long. What had he done to deserve this? Why were his thoughts so loud? Why couldn’t he get away from the burning. 

He wished desperately that he could scream.

Part 3

Esial: @whumpsday @honeycollectswhump

[originlist]

i just wanted to write laurel having Caring and being real mad about it @caimkairos​

It’s not like Laurel does much in terms of getting into situations she can’t find her way out if without dying, but she does have an ego that leads to biting off more than she can chew sometimes. Combined with not having a contracted Servant and it ends in there being some unfortunate missteps. But! She is not entirely alone. Friends come in handy. Laurel waltzes down Chaldea’s hall, a pleased spring in her step at avoiding danger, with her latest partner in crime alongside. “You saved my skin out there, Bei,” she says with a merry hum.

Bei deflects promptly. “It’s my job, and I’d like to keep you out of trouble.” It’s probably for the best she doesn’t die.

 “Nah, you did great!” Laurel isn’t going to fall for it. She hops a bit. “And we pulled out all a-okay, which is a new one for me. It deserves a celebration. You get to pick. It’s been a while since I cooked and magic takes calories, I’m gonna make snacks. Whatcha want?”

Bei thinks a moment, and when they speak it’s with careful syllables. “Something with meat… would be nice.”

Laurel pauses a step for that, a moment of surprise, before she carries right on as to keep things casual. “You like meat? How come you didn’t say anything?” She hardly eats it, out of incident ended up pescatarian at best, so if Bei likes meat and all the food in Laurel’s dorm she offers is mainly vegetarian, then that means… has she seriously been doing a bad job feeding them all this time?

Bei shakes their head to deflect immediately. “It’s not a big concern, don’t worry.” Sheesh, they even clocked that she was going to make a deal out of it. But still, they also sound hesitant, awkward, like they’re worried about how their words are going to be weighed, as if there’s something other than the face of the matter. “I can eat things that aren’t. I simply… feel fuller with meat”

Oh, so there was. Laurel stops fully now, turning to face Bei with her hands on her hips to make them directly acknowledge her expression, a mix of appalled and offended. “And you didn’t say anything?” They didn’t just ask?! Aren’t they friends?! She can’t even feed them properly! Bei’s protesting, flustered and self-conscious, trying to say something about how it’s strange, they don’t want to be strange, but— too late, Laurel’s grabbed them by the lapel and is dragging them off like taking a troublesome child to time-out. Only she’s doing so gently.

Laurel realizes she has no power whatsoever compared to Bei and isn’t even pretending. She also knows that they’d follow along with her when she wants. “I have to make up for what, so many bad snacks? This is an emergency.” If anyone’s in the kitchen doing whatever it is they do, they won’t be for long. Laurel is a one-man storm of misdirected emotional maladaption and she’s going to get her way.

What ‘her way’ is would be storming the kitchen, seating Bei down at a table that’s within talking distance from the nearest stovetop, and kicking out anyone who happens to be in earshot. It might have been a long time since she last made most species of meat food, but by God she’s not going to be shown up now. She ends up freeing a wrapped pack of bacon and something else she hasn’t expected yet from the group fridge (it was probably for someone, but she’ll pay them back later, or something, burn that bridge when she gets to it) and setting at least the former to sizzling on a pan.

She was distracted enough by it that she’d stopped talking, but now that all she’s doing is waiting to cook, it’s coming back. At least she’s a little quieter, and does the favour of being quiet until a batch of cooked bacon that’s only mildly burnt (it’s easy, okay, she’s not a professional) is plonked down before Bei, who’s been fidgeting.

Alright, she’s fine. Normal. Mostly! Bei eats and almost immediately tears up shoving a piece of bacon into their mouth, as if it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for them, and that makes Laurel feel a whole host of things all over again. Eurgh!

Their heart is full of… stuff? Feelings? It’s gross, whatever it is, and Laurel slaps another batch of bacon on the frying pan. “I can’t believe this whole time you were just sitting there and eating whatever without even saying it sucks. There’s a limit to being polite! If you can’t do it for you, think about how embarrassed I am, since I’ve apparently been feeding you shit and calling myself a host. You’re allowed to tell me the bacon sucks, too, I know it’s burnt, don’t lie.” And there’s the open explanation (in part) for this whole tirade, that she’s embarrassed that she never asked or knew, and now even more so that she’s not even good at cooking something as simple as bacon! For her friend! Argh! Shitty hosting, this is! Being embarrassed is the worst! The worst! Even redirecting it to this ridiculous reaction isn’t helping.

Bah! Laurel flips the bacon with an exaggerated grumble. The betrayal… the lying and making her think she has her shit together with having friends over even in Chaldea… it was all false! Couldn’t even do the basis of providing good snacks. “You!” She points the tongs she’s using accusingly at Bei, which is lacking threat mostly because the stove is separated from the seating area by an island and decent distance. She’s within ranting range, not accurate throwing tongs range. “Do you even like tea? Don’t be polite to save my feelings, give me a solid yes or no as to if the tea I give you is shit.”

Saying it was shit would probably make her even more exasperated, but she would follow through and procure better supplies. Laurel is nothing if not dedicated. At least this time, Bei nods quickly (hopefully not still lying to make her less whatever-she-is-right-now). They swallow a little too fast, hold back a cough, and nod again. “Yes! Yes. Don’t worry. Your tea is great. You don’t oversteep it and there’s always sugar on hand, so it’s good.”

Hmm. A moment, then: “Okay! I’ll take that!” Good enough, she’s going to take that as honest and pin her continuing pride on it. Good enough to keep Laurel from continuing to talk shit while she cooks. Bei’s free to go back to eating whatever she puts in front of them, including the burnt things. Laurel is, quite frankly, impressed.

She manages to cook the entire pack of bacon before she takes a break, and stops by sitting on the table next to Bei, watching them scarf food. They still look emotional about it and once they’re done they turn to her with eyes large, already stumbling out a thanks for her. Laurel just sighs, leans slightly against them so her face isn’t easily seen. “God, dude, you’re just so fucking… sad.” That’s probably not a good thing to say out loud. Redefine, clarify: “I don’t mean it like, pitiable or anything, you just. I used to be a pretty fucked up kid, y’know? You remind me of me when I was real little, before I turned into an angry bastard, only you’re even worse off, where I don’t think I can even say that we compare. And it makes me so sad.”

Everybody’s so fucked up. Especially here. Laurel’s got nothing on this and she doesn’t even know what ‘this’ is exactly, but there’s so many stories with Servants that make her feel like she can’t even claim she relates to some fucked-up-childhood story. But here she is. Probably projecting. Still, right now she sees somebody who was at some point told ‘hey. You don’t get to ask for things. You don’t get to have people who love you,’ and she can’t let that sit.

She can at least give this stupid idiot magic cat-goblin as much meat as they can fit in their body. “Y’know. I haven’t told anyone in Chaldea this, but like.” Why’s she talking. Laurel doesn’t even know, it just keeps happening. But it’s fair, right? She clicks her tongue. “Growing up for me sucked, and I have a baby brother back home. Well, not baby, he’s thirteen. I’d do anything for that brat and he knows it. It’s a lot, and dangerous, to get around my other blood relatives, and I miss him like a motherfucker— two birthdays he’s had where I couldn’t call him now, and it breaks my heart— but it’s because I decided I wasn’t gonna let anybody I care about get stepped all over or hurt because of their position. I don’t want kids growing up like I did. You acting like that, like you get stepped all over, and then letting me not even do the basics of feeding you properly while you’re saying shit like ‘it’s fine, I’m happy with the bare minimum’, it just makes me…”

She gestures vaguely trying to find the words. Nothing comes up, and she frowns at middle distance in annoyance at its lack of helping her. “Argh! It’s sad! You know what I mean.” Good enough! It’s not eloquent. She tugs Bei’s head over into a hug where she can rest her cheek against the top of their head, speaking in a grumble. “Just, look, you’re allowed to speak your piece to me and if anyone ever hurts you I’ll kill ‘em.”

Laurel lets that sit for a moment or two, still not letting Bei go. They can go back to eating in a second, she’s having a moment, by which she means she needs to recover from the earlier moment and act like nothing happened. There’s a sniffing sound. Man, she really hasn’t said any of that shit out loud to anyone but Ash back home…. That’s wild. “Don’t tell anybody I have feelings or I’ll smack you,” she mutters, completely not serious but still sounding a bit miffed at having said feelings, before she lets Bei go and steps back.

Inhale. Exhale. Hands go to her hips. Recovered! Back to being fun and pretty and not feeling weak things like sadness or embarrassment. “That’s enough of me being a sap. Not my best look. Alright. You like fish? I can cook the hell out of some salmon. How ‘bout eggs? Do those count as carnivorous food? They’re protein, yeah?” Back to chatter and back to the stove. She’ll cook until Bei’s full (and some for herself) or tells her to stop, it’s fine. She can do that! Regain her ‘being a good host’ title.

[misscrawfords]

I can’t stop thinking about that terrible movie, The Christmas Wedding Planner. It doesn’t deserve 1/10th of the mental energy I’m giving it and yet here we are.

The main problem is that just a few tweaks could have made it a decent film and that the things that were wrong with it were just so wrong. So I’m making two lists. The first is its greatest atrocities. The second is what I’d tweak to turn it into something watchable, even good.

The premise: Kelsey is a rookie wedding planner, about to get her big break with her rich cousin Emily’s wedding to the oh so charming, Todd. Then she bumps into Connor, Emily’s ex, a private investigator mysteriously charged with investigating Todd. He wants to recruit Kelsey to help him with his investigation. She wants him to piss off. Sparks fly while my suspension of disbelief remains firmly rooted to the ground.

This post will contain spoilers. I really wouldn’t bother caring. Buckle yourself in - we’re going for a very inane ride!

Problems

The leads have no chemistry at all. This is obviously a problem. Buying a romance and attraction between them was just impossible. Their first kiss was meant to be awkward but, my god, surely not THAT awkward! 

This lack of chemistry was added to a flat script that clearly was trying to present Kelsey and Connor as a sparring love-hate dynamic who grow to appreciate each other and eventually come to realise that their connection is really deep as they share the same values. But, uh, that may have been the intention but not the story that came across on the screen. Which was just two people who irritated each other suddenly and for no reason getting upset about how the other was behaving after knowing each other for about three days and then...

THEY GOT FLIPPING MARRIED. I mean. WHAT. They’ve kissed twice. They know basically nothing about each other. Half an hour previously she thought he was a villain. This isn’t romantic, this is INSANE. I give them till the end of the honeymoon.

She’s called Kelsey. Like, that’s not a name. It’s just a random word. (This is petty as hell, but still.)

Kelsey has a “tragic backstory” where her mum died and she’s narrating her life in text messages to her mum which are text message overlays of exposition in case the viewer is finding the plot too complex to follow. I have no idea why this exists. It goes nowhere.

A romantic comedy ends with Emily, described as the most perfectly lovely and sweet person, discovering at the altar that her almost-husband was cheating on her and got a maid pregnant and then dumping him. And then she watches her wedding planner get married to her ex-boyfriend who she barely knows. I don’t particularly care about Kelsey and Connor but I’m very, very concerned about Emily! Make your beta couple happy, you cowards!

Todd was cheating with the maid. Wow, what a radical secret. And then Emily just doesn’t even talk about it. She just accepts the wedding is off and wants to plan a girls trip away instead. She was going to MARRY this guy. Doesn’t she want to IDK hear his side of the story? Why so quick to believe the worst? I mean, wow, clearly she shouldn’t be marrying this guy if she doesn’t care, but she’s meant to be intelligent as well as beautiful!

So basically none of the characterisation makes sense. In that there basically isn’t any. Just plot points that apparently have to be hit. Like, Aunt Olivia is a bitchy Rich White Woman (tm) half the time and a caring, mother-figure the other half. I was getting whiplash keeping up with her 180 degree character changes.

Connor isn’t even vaguely attractive. Physically or emotionally. That’s kind of a problem in a romance film. (I mean, YMMV with the physical aspect but, eurgh really.) He’s as charismatic as a block of wood. She’s... eh. She’s a generic Hallmark movie protagonist.

The way these characters dress and look. It’s so... 90s? I don’t mean that exactly. I mean, everyone looks the same and it’s a kind of glossy Clueless vibe. The women are all in tailored mini dresses and with long waves of hair. The men wear slacks and a shirt and have a bit of stubble. They all live in massive mansions or cute apartments that are all spotlessly clean and neat. They literally look like Barbie dolls except even my dollhouse was more realistically lived in than any of these sets. It’s such a weird aesthetic. And it makes no sense for the demographic these people supposedly belong to.

Perfect, sweet Jane Bennet Emily has three caricatured bridesmaids who are horrible. Why? Why are bridesmaids always jealous, miserable bitches? WHERE ARE HER ACTUAL FRIENDS? Speaking of, who even has weddings like this? What is the deal? Who WANTS this kind of wedding? Who behaves like this about their wedding or their child’s wedding? I’m so confused. If this is some kind of fantasy, I wonder whose it is, because everything about it is horrible. Which brings me back to this all feeling very dated in its aesthetic and early 2000s obsession with skinny women getting carried away with designer weddings in romcoms written by men. IDEK. This is 2018 and we have Set It Up and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This kind of film just doesn’t belong any more.

So that’s quite enough issues. Let’s try to solve a few and make this a better film.

Most of the problems could be solved by making the lead couple appealing. Cast different actors and write the script that they think they already have. If you can actually buy the narrative of two people who have more in common than they think growing closer from antagonists to partners, then the ridiculous ending where they decide to just get married could potentially work. POTENTIALLY. If they had more lingering looks that were genuinely hot, their awkward kiss melted into something real, their interactions sizzled with wit and suppressed passion then... yeah. Maybe then the spontaneous decision at the end would make you think, “Actually, yes, it’s mad but LOOK AT THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS!”

Work on characterisation. So Kelsey’s deal is she’s concentrating on managing other people’s happiness instead of concentrating on her own because she can’t let go after her mother’s death. This is kind of heavy for a romcom. Let’s scrap the dead mother altogether. Make Emily her actual sister instead of the cousin who is like a sister and make Aunt Olivia her mum. Streamlines everything. This is better. So Emily is the perfect daughter who is beautiful and sweet and having the perfect wedding and Kelsey is the younger daughter who is determined to make her way in the world without the family money. This causes friction because she thinks her mum favours Emily and her determination leads her to believe that if she gets involved in a serious relationship which would please her mother then she is compromising her desire to be independent. Cue touching moment near the end when her mother admits she’s got it all wrong and she admires Kelsey’s entrepreneurial spirit and reveals that it’s possible to have a career AND a relationship. None of this is rocket science or even that interesting but I’m trying to make this a better Hallmark movie, not Citizen Kane.

Connor’s turn. Good grief, get a better actor for a start. And the entire plot here needs to change now. Because the PI bit is good but being hired by Aunt Olivia because Todd is cheating is just... so BORING. So before we can improve Connor we need to work on what he’s there to do.

Time to look at the actual plot. Wedding planner forced to work against her will with PI to investigate the wedding she’s planning is a genuinely cool concept. We have a bunch of tropes here: spies! we had to kiss for cover! love to hate! fake dating! All of these need to be fully exploited and above all the spying has to be funny. This needs to be the centre of the film. Not a single montage. It needs to circle through every conceivable trope to romantic and comic effect. We need to see these two bickering and flirting and denying their attraction in ridiculous undercover situations. This should be basically 90% of the film. Because that I would watch. But “Todd is cheating” is beyond boring. So what will the scenario be?

A couple of options and I’m not sure what I’d go with at present. Firstly would be sticking with the “Todd is cheating” plotline but... he isn’t. He’s a great guy! The spying is all pointless and both Kelsey and Connor realise that but... just... can’t quite bring themselves... to stop... because that’s their excuse to see each other. Todd and Emily find out in the most embarrassing way possible, and find it hilarious. Because they’re a well-adjusted couple ready to take the next step into married life. Either Aunt-now-Mum Olivia did start it and then has to eat humble pie and realise she was wrong about everything or someone else instigated it. Maybe a jealous ex? IDK. It doesn’t really matter. They’re proved totally wrong and true love triumphs!

The alternative is that Todd is really a bad egg but in that case we need to play his relationship with Emily differently so she doesn’t come out looking like a robot or an idiot. We can do a Much Ado situation where their superficial relationship - Emily desperately trying to please her mother as much as Kelsey is trying to distance herself (two sides of the same coin) - is contrasted with the real and flawed relationship that develops between Kelsey and Connor. Meanwhile, because this is a romcom, while Todd and Emily’s relationship is obviously wrong from the start, Emily builds up a cute friendship with the adorable baker making her wedding cake - who is the only appealing character in the film as it stands. Once Emily’s relationship with Todd is exploded, then give her a shoulder to cry on and the hope of something real with the lovely baker in the future.

But even if Todd is a genuinely rotter, the spying needs to be a smokescreen. If Kelsey and Connor do discover whatever is dodgy about Todd, it needs to happen accidentally and so all their spy antics need to be a complete waste of time except to lead to them falling in love. Because actually spying on people and so on is... not very nice and turns this into a spy film rather than a romcom. Even better, let Emily come to the realisation herself. When Kelsey breaks the news to her (she has to do it, not Connor for maximum emotion, and not ridiculously while she’s at the altar) then Emily has to admit she already worked it out so she can make a really informed decision.

If you’re going to have Connor propose at the end (which is stupid) then the correct response is for Kelsey to laugh hysterically and say something like, “Are you crazy? But you can take me out for a real date!” Cue kiss, applause and credits.

So Connor. Firstly, his background needs to be simplified. He shouldn’t be Emily’s ex. That’s just weird. And the whole money business is dubious and overly-complicated and doesn’t make him look great and is just shoe-horned in for ~drama. He’s just a stranger who is a PI. The end. This ought to be an easy job for him, a boring one. He didn’t count on the genuinely smart, witty wedding planner he got entangled with. Bless his snarky, so over-it cotton socks.

So, I can see you wondering, haven’t I removed all sources of tension? No issue with the ex, no money problems, Kelsey and Connor don’t even affect Emily’s relationship. What is the massive problem that will occur 4/5ths the way through and make our hero and heroine desperately miserable for five minutes before the final denouement? But, my friend, if you think this is a problem, then you’ve completely missed the central premise of this story. They think they’re just forced to work together! As spies! Undercover! But actually! They have real feelings! For each other! Isn’t that enough of a plot? When Emily and Todd’s wedding either goes ahead without problem or is broken up no thanks to the inept spy duo, they have no longer any reason to see each other! And thinking that the other one doesn’t care, they just sadly say goodbye and prepare to part for ever... BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU. Look, this is all the level of conflict this film needs. Nobody is watching this because they want this part of the film to last more than a couple of minutes maximum. Just let them roll their eyes at each other like the Beatrice and Benedick dynamic they so desperately wish they had and kiss!

THE END.

[waldowski89-blog]

02-02-19 - Work?

Here I am again at my desk with half an hour to waste. I actually would rather use that time writing these diaries than playing an app game. I feel like that can be a waste of time… although I do now crave a go on some.

Eurgh, what can I really write here anyway? I’m at a standstill here. I need to write something creatively. Actually, maybe I could look at doing a competition for writing a short story online. That might be fun. Gosh, I long for my University days. Back when I had some real work to worry about. Not this drivel of mine. Blergh anyway I’m being too depressing. What to do, what to do. This only wasted five mins. I think I will play a couple of apps. It’ll only take ten minutes, I think.

I need to set up my whiteboard too. I’ll take a walk today too. “Take” that always sounded funny to me. How does one take a walk? Certainly not lying down. Okay that was barely even a joke. Sorry. I’m taking the piss as it were.

5 seconds into SeaPort and there’s an ad to double rewards. I wanna watch it for the stuff. Frick though, it’s glitched. I don’t want to watch a three minute ad. Why can’t they sort this out properly before implementing the change? I don’t (well I do really) have the time for this. Gosh I love typing random nonsense. Thank god a thirty-second ad has now loaded this time.

Talking of implementing things, Apple seem to have implemented a thing or stricter grammatical help in Pages. Maybe they’ve seen the ads for that Grammarly thing on YouTube that’s always on. You know the one with the really stilted actors who are probably reading some random stupid idiot’s review from the internet. “I like grammarly” “It’s really good” “My dog has worms” etc…

Thinking of how to get back on Twitter. I make everything so complicated. I want to do a few Gifs that tell a kind of story. Like the terminator regaining its mind or something. I also like the crawling one but that was kind of me during my hospital time. Just crawling on, regardless.

I watched Billy Connolly 1994 this morning. It was good. It kind of gives me nostalgia from my childhood perhaps. Like it’s kind of sunny out too. It’s a bit… almost a bit like the six weeks holiday. I must work though. I don’t know if this counts as work but it feels right at least. At least perhaps. I’m never sure of anything really. It’s quite sad in all aspects… OH SHUTTUP ANDREW WE BOTH KNOW THAT’S BULLSHIT! Just get on with it all. Dumbo. I want some AirPods badly. I know I’d use them all the time. Maybe even when out walking too. They’re quite concealable you see or hard to notice I mean. Good keyboard. It’s not so bad typing on this keyboard once one gets used to it. It feels a little small for me though. I’d like to try out an old laptop I have though. Just to see if it’s any more comfortable. [Edit 13-02-19: This is because of a book I was reading about writing called: “How to Write Your First Novel” by Sophie King. The book mentioned trying different tools, as it were, to write with. Keyboards, pens, etc… Funnily enough, I usually write my blogs out by hand before typing them up. A keyboard is faster, however, as the writer goes on to also say herself.]

[Edit 18-02-19: I’ll put in a quote here from the book… oooh, this is like university again. King (2014: 10-11) writes:

“Writing Tools Personally speaking, I write best on my laptop. In fact, I can’t write very well on paper any more. But that’s because I’ve been using my keyboard for years now thanks to my original training as a journalist. I find it faster - my fingers fly across the letters in a way they couldn’t if I wrote on paper and that means my pace is more immediate and I can get my ideas out without forgetting them.

The golden rule about writing on a keyboard is to always, always, back up. This means saving your work somewhere else apart from your computer in case it breaks or is stolen. One tip is to email yourself with your novel file. You should then be able to access this from another computer if something happens to yours. I do this - and I also email it to my daughter with the words DO NOT READ! Alternatively, you could save it to a memory stick, although you need to make sure you don’t lose it.

However, I have friends at the top of the Bestseller lists who can only write on paper. They then type up afterwards. Some people pay others to do that for them, although obviously this is going to cost. However - and forgive me if this sounds basic - an agent and publisher won’t consider a piece if it isn’t typed.”

That was a long bloody quote but I believe most of it was relevant. It’s 19-02-19 now… no joke. It was already late anyway.]

This is almost a Tumblr a day speed. JUST WRITE PEOPLE! WHATEVER IT MAY BE ABOUT IT DOESN’T MATTER! I want this to be inspirational in a kind of way. Not just dreary drivel but like I’m slowly getting somewhere. Somewhere maybe out of my comfort zone but safe. If you know what I mean. Like a steady income job kind of way… hint hint. Getting paid for diary entries. How luzurious. Ha Lazurious. I meant Luxurious.

I think also the barrier may be that I think it won’t go anywhere. As a dream it stays perfect and the “what if” can be a good outcome. Reality has a way of sucking life out of you sometimes. In any case let’s move on. To what I don’t know.

YouTube has automatically gone onto Pogo music. It’s really good music and the edits are amazing. I’ve linked them before on Twitter but I could put a few at the end here too. Yup (this makes me happy), another Tumblr here has just formed by luck and happenstance. I don’t even need to release this yet. I can stack them. I definitely want to hand write one at some point too though. For this Wednesday. That’s 6th February 2019 dependent on when you’re reading this. I love all this because it feels somewhat productive. Don’t judge me too harshly please. This is what I spend my time doing I just never feel confident in publishing any of it. I have like six-thousand notes on my phone too. Most of which are jumping off points (harhar) and ideas for short stories. I should work through all that too. This IS my work now. I love it and you. NOW SHUSH MUSHY.

Anyway, wow, from The Terminator (which I must watch again) to all this mushyness. AHEM. now I’m stuck on what to write. Stream of consciousness this is. Oh that’s a point, I want to be doing Waldowsky Readses. So that will include maybe Jane Eyre for starters I believe and my Tumblrs when I get around to it all. I’d like to read Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland too. Talking of Pogo that’s what they use in their vids sometimes. I love when Alice says: “That explains the troubles that I’m always in.” For me it’s heartbreaking. A realisation of one’s predicament in life or just existing I mean. That explains it and she tears up. It’s like (MGS REFERENCE INCOMING) when Otacon says: “It’s no use.” Like fighting as hard as one can and then grinding to a slow halt. Although it’s like settling. Like a night of struggling and then the sun rises. You just pip the post. That’s what it takes. All until you cannot fight anymore and settle in. Acceptance of one’s position in the world. In any case, shuttup now thats just over one thousand words. BIG HUG! See you sometime soon on here. On the line.

My name’s Waldowski/y and thank you for reading this, whoever you may be.

I may explain the Waldowsky thing later on. For the time being let my reasoning be that I just think it looks better that way. It suits me that way. You can pronounce it how you like by the way but it simply can be exactly the same. Or with an emphasis on the SKY. That sounds nice, wall-doe-sky. It sounds a little silly which is fine and suits me perfectly too. Silly is good. Weird Al oh yeah Grumps had him on that I haven’t watched okay thats’s the end I’ve gotta go now… not really but shush. Join in the charade. DARE TO BE STOOPID!

Bibliography (oooh, spangly):

King, S. (2014) How to Write Your First Novel, Robinson.

Links:

POGO - Bloom

POGO - Carpet Ride

POGO & JEESH - The Trouble

POGO - Grow Fonder

POGO - redruM

Bonus