#i really hope y'all like the midnight facility

[oni-official]

a "thank you, ONI!" would be nice every now and again.

[multistoty]

❛ I'm happy y'all followed me here. I wouldn't have make it on my own. He wasn't the father i was expected, sure, but—— he's grown on me, y'know? And i just wanted to say that—— I'm happy he makes you happy. ❜ ( jess @bloodofire to klaus )

Allowing himself to share this girl was harder than he had expected. It wasn't quite the level with which he had attacked Declan with for being what he could not be and too cowardly to face it besides bloodshed to keep his brother lacking his facilities safe. he wanted to tell his angel protege that they hadn't had a choice about leaving New Orleans, but she was coming around. And the sheer force of stubborn and lovely women including Nyx and jessalyn would turn Elijah's head. It was hard to trust when in the past it scared the skin off your bones. Still, there was fondness in the king's calculating orbs as they took in the girl. When had she gotten so tall? And he decided not to enquire about the swollen lips. Honestly, jessalyn was the best of Hope's suitors by a million. The redhead knew the melody of her heart one no one else could. She had heard Hope's heart screaming for the entirety of her stay in Mystic falls and brought comfort and words that kissed the girl's very heart. The tendrils of depression and pain cocooned the teenager with the bright light that was always jess. In the beginning, the Mikealson's wondered if she had some sort of spell to make people care for her so quickly. But it was her honesty, her star in their midnight sky. A bashful hang of his head was the only indication of a certain father dancing through his head. Klaus wasn't one for showing what he loved off even if it was with a girl who was family. This odd supernatural family. "I think you have a point, little angel, though some might say he has grown like mold. And some really is a suit wearing over protective vampire. We will not force you to do anything or be uncomfortable even if- even if I am spending time with your father in this newness. I won't hesitate to protect you just as Hope and the others though what I went through has made me hope that you can fix this. Blood isn't family. It's the people you love. You are the only one you owe though we have seen his heart. His patience. And it might be a balm to both of your souls."

[thunder-the-ranger-wolf]

Midnight thoughts 10/2/2019

I can't sleep so fuck it

I think i need more physical hobbies. So much of my time the past five or so years has been dominated by one screen or another. It's not necessarily a bad thing, because I've been doing different things with each screen, but sometimes it just feels like there's nothing to show for it.

wasted my mom's time, my time, the time of everyone I've ever come into contact with on top of driving us into some serious debt. Because college was... great. I loved the experiences I had and the people i came into contact with. If I had a bit more drive I would absolutely go back for another degree even if I couldn't stay on campus. The facilities were out in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't much to offer without some miles long drive but there were ways out and people were there no matter what. There was almost always some assignment to do or some conference or hackathon to go to or even just personal projects. Peok6threw their own small parties and that got people out of their rooms. I probably spent half my college years collectively in bed because some days I just... Couldn't do much. But the rest of the time was absolutely worth it. And I walked out with a degree. I graduated in May with one last class (passed with a B, woohoo!) So I have that degree. It'll come in the mail any day.

At some point earlier tonight i felt like I wasted my time in college, but writing all this out just made me realize that I'm overreacting. It's been not even half a year. I'm driving myself crazy because I still don't have structure.

Which is what it all fucking cycles back to, i swear to God. I better have fucking ADHD or whatever the hell i keep trying to tell my mom. Executive dysfunction isn't diagnosable but I wasa hot mess in college and I knew ot all the way through.

People are supposed to change in college, aren't they? Things are supposed to be different, for better or worse. I didn't change. I kept the same habits, bad and good, that I've always had and even developed some new ones.

I really just wasted five years and a shitton of money to learn some things that, wait for it, i could literally figure out through online tutorials. (Looking back, that's not true. It was absolutely worth it becomes the program was so unique, i couldn't have gotten as far as I did if it hadn't been for that school and I made it! I fucking made it! I have a bachelor's degree.)

I was going to ask " then why do i feel so empty and worthless" but i know why. It's because I'm not doing much of anything. Like i said, most of my life the past five years have been behind a screen. I bet if I started baking or learned to draw on physical paper or just had more proof that I was living, I would be a bit better off. I think i might do that.

Also: for the record, fuck keeping everything inside my head, I'm going to narrate my day and y'all are gonna haye me for it but whatever.

I need to get outside more. I am literally caging myself in. It's sort of intentional but not exactly malicious. I want to go outside and be with my friends and do things like bake and maybe find a martial arts class. And I'm going to. If I ever get up and remember to do it.

Everything involves so many steps. (Get up. Okay now. Aaaaand now. Please get up. Okay great, that's 50 energy points out of 75 on a good day. What the hell is step 2?)

But seriously.

Get up.

Walk somewhere.

Use the bathroom.

Walk some more.

Take mom's stuff downstairs and put it in the car.

Do this for her.

Get that for her.

She goes to work.

Go back to sleep.

Wake up.

Missed the timeframe to walk the dog so i let her out back.

Wait for her to be done.

Go back upstairs to bed.

Maybe eat, maybe don't.

Sleeeeeeeep.

Or laptop. Code or write. Code or write.

Spend hours doing one or the other or both just to have maybe a couple good lines of code i can use or an entire few scenes that I'll eventually have to scrap.

Do this for literally the rest of the day.

Eat and use the bathroom at various times.

Mom comes home.

Do chores or get stuff for her.

Go to bed. Or try.

That alone is a routine with a shitton of steps. A bad one.

How am i supposed to add "shower. Brush teeth. Do hair. Wash face. Brush dog." The simple stuff. And then it's not like i have any plans for the day or the week or at all ever, so what's the point of doing any of that except that my mom said so, I don't want her plants to die, and my dog needs me to do stuff for her?

My mom says I'm not intrinsically motivated. I know what that means but it's a bit more complicated than that. Motivation implies that I'm doing any of this on purpose. Clearly I'm choosing not to eat right. I'm choosing nor to bathe. I'm choosing to sleep the rest of my life away.

It's more like life just happens.

But apparently inaction is a choice too, if an extremely passive one that never croseed my mind until mom gets home and I realize i have nothing to show for my day. Nothing to show for the past five years of my life.

I just thought of something: if i keep a journal of the stuff I do, that might make me more motivated to do stuff. I'll have something to show.

Not very likely to happen, because God, the energy that'll take... But it's a nice thought and worth looking into.

I still can't sleep.

This probably isn't helping, but I am definitely going to show my therapist tomorrow.

Why is it so hard to talk to the people who are supposed to help you? I'm 23 in a month and five days. Adults can't be scary forever. I don't even know where that came from. I don't think it's just adults. I'm pretty sure it's people I see as being on a higher level than me. It took a while to actually approach people here on Tumblr, too.

God, i need to sleep.

Happy thought: my dog is curled up in a little ball next to me and she's so cute.

Hopeful thought: I'm going to wake up in four hours and start another day. It might go the same way as yesterday (this isn't the miraculous life-changing part of a movie) but something could be different. That's something.