#for legal reasons
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batshit-auspol · 9 months ago
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in the 70s when my dad was living in townsville he allegedly had a sexually charged encounter with a very drunk bob katter in a men's bathroom and can't physically bring himself to look at the man now
May a thousand blossoms bloom
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xen0lush · 1 year ago
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"But... Your Honour... I think a little bit of violence is romantic actually."
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disgustinggf · 1 year ago
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he thinks i came over for sex nah imma rob u
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sculptorofcrimson · 7 months ago
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Yandere! Valdor
Valdor, the most loyal, the greatest of the Custodes, a Primarch in all but name. Who else can obsess more than him, whose every function besides loyalty was beaten out? A/N: Playing “fucked up obsessive twinks” on easy mode here, aren’t I? I’m sorry, SCP-XXXX who requested this, but you told me Valdor was a twink, and evil twinks are the best kind of men, so therefore this is your fault! Full throttle ahead, let us be damned together! ψ(`∇´)ψ
Relationships: Valdor/Gn!Reader, mentioned Valdor/Emperor Mentions: @kit-williams would you like some food?
Valdor does not love. 
The Custodes simply can not love. Their love perished beneath treachery and fire, ten thousand years ago, and they simply cannot piece the remnants that was a heart back together again. 
The Emperor took away their ability to love any but Himself, and what else could be left but a hollow void, an immortality without substances, a heart that beats while it lacks its other half? 
There was simply nothing left of him to spare when the Emperor had brought down his claws. His love, his joy, his dreams, all gone, wiped away like sand upon the sea. Leaving behind nothing more than a hollow without sustenance, a phantom vestige of a dream crushed long ago, its corpse entombed within perfected flesh and bone and blood. 
He loves no one, not even himself. When the Emperor died ten thousand years ago, he lost his way. He lost his tether to life itself. And for ten thousand years he wandered for the corpse of his master. There was a poem once, a poem so long ago about the loyal dog that stood guard before his master’s bones, who licked the once-petting hand once, and laid down to die. 
Valdor’s loyalty is no weaker than that dog’s.
He loves no one, not even himself. But he loves the Emperor. He loves Him, so brokenly, so obsessively, so utterly insane in his adoration, the First Custodian would have let Him tear him apart if He wished. 
He loved the Emperor. 
And that is why he loves you. He thinks you to be his Emperor. If not Him, then at least a shard.
He doesn’t care who you were, he doesn’t care whether you were once a captain, a Chapter Master, a Thunder Warrior even. He thinks you to be his master, back from the dead, one of His shards caught in life and flesh. 
He thinks you’re Him. Or, if not Him, at least a fragment of His former glory.
Valdor calls you his Emperor, his shard, his beloved, he ignores any name you had once in favor of calling you his master. A name is only a word, after all, and you are nothing but his Emperor reborn, in his mind. A guardsman, an Astarte, a Thunder Warrior, you are all mortal beneath his eyes. He only smiles that cold, humorless smile of his when you attempt to correct him, when he brushes off your words with the same cold, humorless disinterest. 
Valdor thinks you to be his Emperor. And he doesn't care that you were once someone else, you were not always his beloved, you were not the master he imagined, that you are not the master he built from memories and bones. 
You were nothing before his master, he reasons, you will be nothing after his master, and you were his Emperor once upon a time. It is doubtful if he can even know love, if he had not projected his own delusions of his Emperor upon another. Valdor failed Him once and only now the fates have judged him fit enough to protect a shard of Him, one that is so frail compared to himself, so unspeakably mortal, his atonement for the master he failed so long ago. 
He failed the Emperor once, and watched Him die. He will not do so again.
Protection. You will never walk free again, never without his cold presence by your side, that effortless, confident stride as he accompanies his master. You will never know the taste of sunlight, the easy voice of another conversationalist before their words taper off into uncertainty, and then fear, beneath the jealous glare of your bodyguard. How their sentences trail off, how Valdor looms like some ancient, murderous harpy, his shadow constantly overcasting yours.
He knows nothing of love, of human emotion. But he knows protection. And he knows obsession. 
Valdor is not a passionate man. But he is neither a cruel one either. Of course, Valdor will never raise a spear nor blade against his adoration, to strike his master would certainly mean death, but he will slaughter your loved ones without even horror. He will whisper litanies of loyalty on his knees while his Custodes sink in the knives. He will speak ironclad promises and gilded oaths when they label your soldiers traitors and slaughter them upon the snowfields, when they hail for unity, and hear the blade fall. 
He seems to like walks in wintery fields. It reminds him of what he lost long ago, when the Emperor took him atop Ararat, and he enacted His first vengeance upon the Thunder Warriors. He sometimes brings you there, to altitudes higher than even what a Space Marine can withstand, and gathers you beneath his cloak, whispering memories that were never truly yours, asking for your orders, asking for your forgiveness, asking if you can remember what it felt like ten thousand years ago.
(Sometimes, you can nearly believe him when he says you’re a shard. It’s flattering, almost, to be under the eye of the captain-general.)
He can kill. There is nothing left of him if he could not. Nothing but the Emperor’s spear, a sharpened tool meant to kill and to serve, and to be cast away when its function is complete. You have nothing to fear from him, of course, he would rather end himself than raise a blade against his master. But he loves no other. He does not know how to love. And that makes him dangerous. You know it when you gaze into his eyes, you are sure you could imagine him covered in the blood of your loved ones, guardian spear flashing as he hacks through them without even the shadow of hesitation. He will take no fear, no regret, no relief, barely even satisfaction in the grim act, and yet that is somehow more profane than joy in slaughter. Not even a single hint of joy, wild and unfettered in the sheer cruelty, not even a single hint of an ambition for why he would lay such altars of blood before his master’s feet, only simply because He wanted it to be so, and simply because he loved Him. 
In his eyes, you are his Emperor. But he does not always obey you. He does not kneel as he would’ve knelt before his master. Because he knows, Valdor knows that to protect Him, to serve Him properly, sometimes he must smother Him for His own good. It’s the twisted rationale of a dog who has lost his master, whose death had rocked him so thoroughly he was willing to kill to save Him again. 
Valdor kneels, of course. He’ll kneel before you and speak his words of loyalty, he’ll give you his names one by one if you only ask. Valdor has never considered himself eloquent with words, but he’ll listen to you, he’ll even let you command him as the Emperor would have done. Rank be damned, he cares not if his Emperor had been reborn as a guardsman or an Astartes or even a Thunder Warrior. 
But he does not hide his obsession. To obsess is the only way he knows to love, after all. He’ll smother his beloved with his protection, with his adoration. He’ll hack his way to be their only protector, their only bulwark before the madness, the only man they can trust to defend them. Gaze upon his Emperor once, he’ll tear them apart. Love the Emperor more than him, and he’ll bury their bones beneath the snowfields. 
And be loved by the Emperor more than him….and he’ll betray them as he had betrayed the Thunder Warriors. He’ll sink in golden knives and golden spears in turned backs without even the hint of remorse, Valdor will remind his beloved that it is he who is the servant, it is he who serves to be praised for his duty. Valdor can take you from your family as the Emperor took him from his, he’ll so effortlessly ensure the utter protection of his new Emperor, all for himself. 
No one will protect you more than I, my liege. 
It is he who should be the favored servant.
No one can love you more than I, my Emperor.
He’ll croon those litanies of loyalty to you. He’ll whisper those promises of protection, of ambition, he’ll promise you an eternity while standing atop the frozen ashes of your loved ones. He’ll promise you a throne if you don’t cry, if you’ll love him as his master did. He’ll bring you a crown of gold, he’ll strangle the living storm for you, if only you promise to let him protect you, if you promise if you’ll be his Emperor. 
You died once. I will not let you do so again, my Emperor.
And his obsession would never be checked, and much less ended by the true power behind the Imperium.
You are his Emperor. In that mind He broke so thoroughly long ago, you are the Emperor, reborn. Heavy is the head that bears the laurel, bloodied is the hand that holds this mad dog’s leash.
It is Valdor who should be the favored servant. 
No one will protect you more than I, my liege. 
He will protect you. 
He will protect you, obsess over you, guard you with the hollow that is a heart. He’ll bring you a throne, a crown, an army, an eternity, if only you promise, if only you’ll be his Emperor. 
The Emperor died ten thousand years ago. And in turn, he casted you in His corpse.
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nosegoes · 9 months ago
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If we get some bullshit ‘Tom holland as ringo starr’ casting I’m sending anthrax to the studio.
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girl-named-matty · 10 months ago
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Ominis: I wish I was a dinosaur. MC: Awww. Sebastian: Why? Because they are big and scary? Ominis: Because they're dead.
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op81s · 6 months ago
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in other shocking news, fork found in kitchen.
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whohasfourthumbsand · 3 months ago
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+ Metal doesn't grow with you.
+ I had to have my arms amputated around seven years old; It's a long story that I'd rather leave on the Outer Rim, I haven't even talked with Tutor about it. I think I've gone through at least twenty prosthesis since, each design a little different than the last. It took a long, long time to get to the advanced cybernetic quad-arm design I have now.
+ You can imagine my annoyance today when I realized the pinching pain in my biceps was another growth spurt. Now, in the middle of Northstar's exam week, I have to start drafting new prosthesis!?
+ I'm one inconvenience away from becoming a pirate.
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Sister Warriors we must protect Buzzfeed Celeb at all costs
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atlalasassy · 11 days ago
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All For the Game was set in the 2000s, don’t act like they weren’t listening to Avril Lavigne
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chirpsythismorning · 1 year ago
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Nah bc why do I feel like Netflix and the st writers are beefing so hard rn bc of the strike that someone from the production leaked the casting for Linda Hamilton so that the reveal on Tudum would be super anticlimactic…
I also thought Chase Stokes was sort of random for a host, but considering OBX 4 literally just started filming days ago, it’s almost like they’re rewarding those that are being most loyal to Netflix 👀
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gravyhoney · 8 months ago
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Guys lmaoooooo there’s no subliminal messages in my posts dont says thattttttttty lmaoooooooooo
Steal from Walmart
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oogly-boogly-doogly · 6 months ago
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asmo but i put a twst platinum jacket on him
Shading shiny shit is hard as fuck
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Original art belongs to Solmare
(even though it shouldn’t)
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bloodlustfantasia · 6 months ago
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lesbians of yanblr line up i need a girlfriend i will build a home for you inside of me ill hold you in my hands and there will be flowers and it will be glorious and everyone will feel jealous of our love. and i send you cute cat pictures
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exispencer-crisis · 3 months ago
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Hey Everyone!
Hey guys, sorry for disappearing off the face of the planet, lmao.
In case anyone was worried (you probably weren't), I'm doing really well, and I'm happy and safe.
Anyways, here's me (and my half a braincell):
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klarolinexluv · 7 months ago
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“The Black Brothers died thinking the other hated them”
What if I just offed myself
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