#i really dont think its an unreasonable thing to be concerned about. im not fucking trolling you or whatever.

[snekdood]

idk but personally imma give bessy the working cow a great life and recognize her beingness while also not taking for granted or undermining her utility.

[nyxi-pixie]

Hiiiii.

Sorry to bother you, I wanted to know if you had any fic recs? Your writing is so good and your tastes are immaculate, and I am starving for any kind of good content. Please?

its not possible to bother me love dw <3

NOW. i dont actually read all that much anymore bc i am horrendously picky but this does give me an excuse to hype up the few authors that have satisfied my unreasonably specific tastes 🤩.

so. a few bsd recs for you (except theyre 99% skk because im horribly predictable forever). everyone go read all of these and tell the authors how wonderful they are in the comments please <3

anything @booksandpaperss has ever written is genius work and everyone should read it. could talk abt all of their stuff for hours (and i have🤩 they put up w so much of me bothering them godbless). also our brains do some accidental crazy mind melding shit whenever either of us write fic so if you like any of my stuff you will like theirs. thats the rules. <3

like twin stars in the dark (we collide)- dead apple skk porn as a vehicle for 22skk analysis. makes me salivate i have read it so many times. they get 22skk better than anyone🙏

my lies are for you to keep (my love for you to lose) - the only take on beastskk that matters to me ever. you can actually see me losing my mind in the comment i wrote on this fic bc of how fucking insane every single line made me. theres SO much packed into this thing its fucking crazy i NEEEEED everyone to read it. thats all <3

till death, I'll give you my breath - dazai death timeloop. this fic terrifies me so much i await every update with my teeth chattering and my heart pulsing so rapidly i should be hospitalised. the first scene of chapter 2 genuinely had me on the verge of tears im unwell about it.

(elli also has some jjk stuff thats REALLYREALLY good and if ur into jjk u should check that out too.)

NOW. aside from being a propaganda machine for my fav writer ever. Heres some other stuff i love.

the second perspective by @wildflowerteas. murder mystery/detective noir stuff w some time fuckery. the au of all time. mashes aspects of beast, canon, and some extra special niko sauce into a mixing bowl and goes crazy w it. just Such a genuinely impressive piece of writing. i could talk abt the technical brilliance of it for hours but i will stop myself. you gotta commit to this thing because it WILL make u crazy. also i loveee the sskk. its like if we had the beast first meeting sskk forever. SOSO GOOD!!!!

did fate guide the gun or did you? by @kanetheo. i read this pretty soon after chapter 109 and it genuinely fried my brain for months. the writing style is beautiful (as for everything they write AUGHH!!!) and the angst is delectable. the way it intersperses more fun silly skk moments with just. complete misery. GOD. it just hits. ive reread it quite a few times and it never fails to make me go crazy. srsly cannot rec this enough.

the decomposition of dazai osamu by @hella1975 this shot several bullets through my brain and i still havent recovered. i keep thinking 'oh i should reread that' and then i dont bc some part of my brain still concerns itself w maintaining whats left of my sanity. BUT its crazy good and everyone should read it and suffer at least once. EVERYONE LOVES YOU OSAMU!!!! EVERYONE EATS YOU!!! line of all time lets all kill ourselves.

smoke held conversations by feralrookie - i havent reread this in a while but it does cool stuff with nlh and the skkisms are really good in this too. ppl often write teen chuuya as less intelligent than he actually is. hes very observant, esp of dazai, and this fic gave me that 🙏

i called your name til the fever broke by forest_raccoon - vampire chuuya. biting is involved. i blacked out reading it. enough said.

[lokh]

#maybe laios has to have his own awakening <-- I'd be very much interested in hearing what that might look like to you 👀 Shuro pining and stressing over it is the easiest thing to imagine, but I struggle a bit with imagining what Laios' perspective on romance is and his romantic interest in general

OK SO....... realistically i think his view on romance in canon is probably closer to how even though we know his passion is monsters we KNOW he wants to eat monsters So Fucking bad...... his favorite food is still cheesecake. yknow?????? but it's not his Passion.... he mentions having a fiance (somewhat as a point of pride iirc?) but having to break it off when he left his hometown. if he Does experience romantic/sexual attraction then it's kind of secondary to everything else going on with him (see also the succubus thing)... ive always kind of assumed that for him, at the very least before ditching town, that getting married was just a thing you did (were supposed to do) and while he wasn't opposed to it, maybe even interested in it, clearly he doesn't seem to care enough to seek it out afterwards. AS an aroace person i want to believe he's on the aroace spectrum adfvccvvbhb..... aro spec non ace laios is interesting too though.....

BASICALLY it's not a huge concern of his BUT. the question of marriage and succession WILL come up post canon. unfortunately he might not be able to take such a lackadaisical attitude about Who he gets with now that he's such a big deal.... but then again, he's got that rebellious streak and seems pretty good at making situations work in his favor. like who's Really gonna be able to stop him if he decides he wants to marry some guy from the eastern archipelago......

I think he might need an awakening in the sense that taking the view that he's kind of assumed that marriage is just a thing that'll happen to him at some point, he's probably never considered getting with a guy. it's just never crossed his mind. but we know he's open minded and willing to take on-board new ideas...... its less a huge awakening than an Oh! i see i get it moment wjnshdhxbx. actually i can imagine the idea being floated to him and he kinda goes hmmmmmm i don't really get it (for me) but ok i guess. then someone going (perhaps out of pity for an already pining shuro) ok but now imagine you and shuro being that close and him going AH! now I get it.

we know that laios cares deeply about the people close to him but it's hard for us to imagine him romantically and that's probably true for the people around him also tbh. i think no matter how you spin it (that he's aroace but decides to have a relationship anyway, or that he does experience any attraction) that perception will always hold and there might be the concern of does he Really get it though irt a relationship (in this case laishuro). I also think that if he does decide on a relationship with someone he cares about that he WILL care deeply he just might not show it in like. any overtly romantic way...

i will say that part of that perception of him being incapable of romance and sexual attraction, im concerned is because of him also being well. pretty autistic lmao. which is obviously not fair. but romance has never been a huge focal point in dungeon meshi much the same way it isn't really for laios, but it's still there nonetheless....

it's possible also that he has a bigger interest in romance and sex than is apparent but because of how Social it is that he simply won't pursue it. he's aware of his lack of social ability and is pretty insular with his social group (iirc this is kabrus perception of him?) so I dont think it's unreasonable to believe he might have decided it wasn't worth the effort to seek it out. but with someone who's Already a friend and you've already made all the possible social gaffes with and they haven't left despite that..........

[nooowestayandgetcaught]

i stand by suyin being sokkas kid let me talk about it like obviously her mannerisms being like sokka and expressions and suyin is a brown woman sure but really thats not fully evidence so im like okay,,,, what is it REALLY

how about the fact that the #1 priority for suyin is family and the #1 priority in water tribe culture and sokka is family (found or blood)

how about their affinity for leadership and genius inventing and the arts (suyins dancing/dance academy and sokkas paintings/drawings)

but back on the family thing,,,,, suyin felt lost for a long time especially as a teenager which made her rebellious and made her fight with toph and lin like tophs parenting was very hands off and it didnt help suyin,,,, she didnt feel like she belonged much anywhere

"It took me a while, but I finally realized what I was looking for was a family."

SPREADS OUT MY ARMS

also lets talk about behavior: suyin believes in passions and is carefree and enjoys pursuing the things she loves which something characteristic of sokka and lin is more like toph in respects to behavior,,, suyin is lenient BUT UNTIL THE POINT OF YOU BETRAYING HER FAMILY AND HER

and if NONE of that ticks your brain then 

answer me this

WHY would toph even START the whole "you dont need to know about your fathers" with lin and suyin like that doesnt feel toph at all

toph tries to reason it as "well you dont need to know them to know who you are"

thats great but that still IMPLIES

the other parent could be well known or influential

toph wouldnt actually care if suyins father was a nobody,,,,, she would be like yeah lin and suyin you guys have two different dads and yours suyin was a deadbeat too named so and so like she literally did with lin

and we know toph as an adult just

fucked for fun??? djkdsljds

its not unreasonable to think she and sokka did once and were like this was fun yeah ive missed hanging out i g2g bye

im sorry but theres too many coincidences about suyin and linking to things that resemble sokka

i dont think it can be ignored or snubbed when you actually look at it

like sure im a tokka fan but i have spent a lot of time thinking about lok characters and being like okay i wanna know things whats your past why are you like this whats the connections

and suyins father is a glaring red mystery and eventually i was like this,,,,,,,,,,, feels like something with sokka

tokka being canon concerns me less than understanding the connection to suyin and sokka because i feel like its THERE

[wlw-lovestruck-fiction]

This is the last ask ill send because im honestly tired of this whole thing

I dont know why you brought up the anon hate you got when that’s no part of the discussion. Even if it isnt your intention, you’re making yourself out of to be the victim when you arent. You say you want to get better but each time something gets pointed out you get on the defensive. I dont know why you decided to bring it up, but now that you have: Piama is indeed whitewashed on your drawing. “Warm lighting” doesnt change peoples undertones like that. Compare it to Piama’s last two cgs if you really don’t believe me.

Even if you aren’t affected, you need to be able to recognize it without poc having to tell you in order to be a good ally. I wouldn’t want a straight friend that lets people make homophobic comments about me in their presence and then hear them say “it doesn’t affect me so i couldnt tell it was homophobic so thats why i didnt defend you”. If you aren’t able to recognize it then you’ll inevitably repeat the same rhetoric. Racist rhetoric is everywhere and spewed every single day so you cant expect poc to be with you all the time and take you by the hand to tell you whats racist or not. Those are the reasons why you need to learn how to identify it by yourself, be listening to poc, by developing critical thinking skills, by not surrounding yourself with only white people. If not there’ll be more unchallenged asks such as one i saw recently that pinned poc that complained about yet another white route “stupid because they dont get that lovestruck releases routes by demand”. As if we have no concept of nuance.

No one is obliged to accept an apology, especially after what happened. I dont know where you got that idea from, especially when it concerns something that hurts people this deeply. And I didn’t point it out what happened just to be petty, I pointed it out because it isn’t an isolated event but a pattern of behavior of unchecked racist comments. That was simply the worst case: It was handled poorly, considering mod viv herself never apologized and again, swept it under the rug. The apology I saw from mod wrath was vague, didnt address the situation directly, was posted on this blog so no one knew what was going on, and was later deleted. So yeah she can apologize ten times and it still doesn’t mean we have to accept it. Especially if it’s that catastrophic because it looks like its more about saving face rather than feeling remorse, even if she did feel bad. You’re too eager to call it just “a mistake” and pin me as the unreasonable one.

And I want to ask you, have you truly seen with your own eyes an interaction where someone said to the other “if you like vinca you’re racist” and was completely serious?Or have you heard it from someone else saying that they were told that? Because considering that other anon watering down a woc’s criticism of lovestruck as “she doesnt like white people or this blog” then yeah i wouldn’t trust anything else coming from their mouths. People are getting too pressed over the millionth white woman in the app. Hell even if it happened, it’s probably what, one, two people? But you’re lumping all of us together as if its been a wave of saying that. The valid criticism surrounding Vinca is interconnected with Nahara’s release (one of the few dark-skinned women in the app) considering people kept saying they’d rather have a Vinca route when Nahara’s was announced. They’re not even willing to support it just because they want Vinca’s and that sends a message to voltage. So it simply doesnt boil down to “well its a difference in personalities”. Im gonna go as far as to say that if a woc had the same attitude as Vinca, people wouldnt be frothing at the mouth for her or they’d delve into the realm of fetishizing (as some people are bordering the line with Piama). But thats a whole other topic. And since people want to act stupid: all of the white characters in lovestruck are white because voltage made them that way. They could’ve quite easily made them a poc, but they rarely do. Think about what that means then, if youre really trying to defend yourself by saying “well they put out whats popular”

Lastly, you should really evaluate the content and beliefs you put out when racist people are still comfortable following and interacting with you. This is why i want this discussion to be public: your followers need to read this and apply it to themselves. Because considering the amount of anon hate you said you got yesterday towards the other blogger, theres a bunch of your followers who need to get off their phones and learn to care about other people and stop being racist assholes.

Believe me, I’m tired of it as well.

I brought up the anon hate because I didn’t want you to wonder why I was posting your asks in this form.

And no. Piama is not whitewashed. I took a dropper tool and took the color directly from her sprite, and if you’d looked at my blog, you would’ve seen that I sent screenshots as proof in response to that ask. But you obviously didn’t, so I’ll send them here again. (1. Without lighting. 2. With Lighting.)

If you still don’t believe me, you’re welcome to call me on Discord and I’ll share my screen and show you the entire process. And as an artist: You’d be fucking surprised what lighting does to colors.

Well, yes, I need to be able to recognize it indeed. The thing is: I can’t always. I try my best on this, and there will be moments and issues that will come up, mistakes I will make because I’m not perfect and not a machine. And in those moments, I’d love to have a friend that affectionately slaps me and says “JD, that was shit.” So I can apologize and notice it the next time. I have had multiple friends be transphobic to me in certain ways. I’ve informed them about it. They apologized and haven’t done it since. We’re still friends to this day. I do try to educate myself on racism and put in some work. I don’t expect POC to do all the work for me and explain to me how to be an ally correctly, and still - I hope they help me just as I help my cis friends with trans stuff. I can’t magically change all my behaviors and overcome internalized societal racism with the snap of a finger. If I could, I fucking would have already done it multiple times. The way it is, I’m working on it. Again - I’m sorry I didn’t point out the racist comment in the ask. I should’ve done that, and I’ll make sure to do it in the future.

You’re right no one is obliged to accept an apology. You’re right this hurts people deeply. And as I said - Mod Wrath apologized three times, including one on her personal blog which was a lot less vague. Mod Viv also apologized - to the person in question, in private. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And the thing is - if you refuse to accept her apology, that’s one thing and fully your right. And the thing is: If an apology is not going to make you forgive her, if ten are not, what do you need in order to forgive? Will you never forgive? Will you always argue it’s going to be an apology to save face when you don’t know the fact she does feel remorse? How will you see that she does?

I did hear the Vinca thing from a friend of mine. Whom I trust. Because seriously, why would you make things like that up? Who would even get the idea? I’m against the idea of believing my friends would lie to me for attention or whatever. And yeah, the criticism of that anon was unfitting - I’ve visited the blog they claimed was doing that and I found nothing of the sorts, so that comment was unfitting unless I missed something. I never intended to say that it’s all of you saying that. I intended to say that some people are handling the issue wrong. I’m sorry it came off that way. I do believe though that it’s people’s full right to say they’d have preferred Vinca over Nahara. I would’ve preferred Vinca. I still read Nahara tho. However, it’s not yours to dictate which routes other people have to support and which not. I will however agree with you that people should give Nahara a chance - it’s quite the sweet story. And I for my part would enjoy a POC Vinca just as much as a white one. (Also, side note, you’re making it appear as if everyone would either fetishize or rage over her, which is very much putting all of the “white” fanbase into the same bag, the same thing you critizised me for earlier. It’s understandable from a psychological point of view, tho, so I’m not gonna comment further.)

Yeah, Voltage makes the characters white, and that’s an issue people can only fix by demanding more POC in the ask posts and comments. Which many do, btw. They put out what is popular indeed, they put out what is demanded, and I fucking demand more POC. I want it. They could’ve made so many LIs POC and they haven’t and I’m fucking unhappy about it too! I’m not even trying to say anything else.

Yes, making this public to arouse thinking is a good policy. The followers need to read this indeed. And we didn’t get anon hate for the other blogger. We got anon hate towards us. Tons. Comments that went as far as telling mods to kill themselves. And while I agree with lots of the things you say - some of the ways you’re acting actively spark this type of hate. There is being loud about the issues you face, and then there is calling people racist assholes based on a comment they made instead of talking to them personally and telling them that’s not okay, giving them the chance to improve themselves instead of always having them stamped as a racist. Just because you’re the one who’s hurt, the one who’s morally correct, does not mean anything you say or do is good behavior. 

You told me I whitewashed Piama when you, with a minute of research, could’ve found proof I didn’t. You obviously wanted the internet to see, maybe hoped I’d get exposed? Could I get an apology for that? And I promise, I’ll accept it because I’m willing to believe you’re a good person.

Summary of everything:

You’re right with lots of things.

I behaved wrong and I’m sorry.

Lovestruck has an issue with racism that we need to change together. 

Together. Without toxic behavior from any side.

- Mod JD

[amicicidalgambler]

=> Sometime In The Past...

trolljacksparrow

thats ADORABLE

you twwo are really adorable

amicicidalgambler

Listen.

trolljacksparrow

yeeeeeeees?

amicicidalgambler

Technically it's your fault 8ecause I'm in a good mood 8ecause of you and Meenah gets all mushy a8out that.

trolljacksparrow

awwwwww

wwell she does lovve you

amicicidalgambler

...I wouldn't say that.

trolljacksparrow

wwhy not?

amicicidalgambler

8ecause she doesn't?

trolljacksparrow

but

like

look at howw she acts around you and howw she talks about you

also look at you! wwho /wwouldnt/ lovve you?

amicicidalgambler

The vast majority of people, Nadaya.

trolljacksparrow

i mean true but shes not the vvast majority of people!

amicicidalgambler

Okay.

To 8e clear.

What do you mean 8y 'love' in this context specifically.

trolljacksparrow

i mean like

lovve

you knoww

your heart losing its absolute mind and like

you lovve me and you lovve psii and you lovve equius

yeah?

amicicidalgambler

Equius is different.

trolljacksparrow

yea? howws he different?

amicicidalgambler

...I don't love him, I just feel 8ad saying it.

trolljacksparrow

huh, howw do you feel about him then?

amicicidalgambler

I don't know right now?

8ut I don't love him.

And I don't know if I can.

trolljacksparrow

but you care about him, yeah?

amicicidalgambler

Yeah.

As my 8est friend.

trolljacksparrow

i mean...you care about him, you dont wwant him hurt, you trust him to help you - do you wwant to help him?

thats like

isnt that good enough?

amicicidalgambler

I don't really want to talk a8out it right now.

All I mean is that Meenah's the kind of person who'd say she loves someone in a platonic friend way, and do you mean *that*, or do you mean like, quadrant feelings.

8ecause it sounds like the second one.

trolljacksparrow

thats totally fine, ♣️

second one is wwhat i mean!

amicicidalgambler

...Damn.

trolljacksparrow

damn?

wwhy damn?

amicicidalgambler

I didn't want that to happen ::::(

trolljacksparrow

wwhy evver not????????

amicicidalgambler

She can't 8e in love with me, man.

I can't love her, and I can't d8 her, so that's just

Fuck.

trolljacksparrow

...wwhy cant you date her? wwhats stopping you?

amicicidalgambler

Literally every8ody else d8ing her, for starters.

Plus I just...can't do that.

trolljacksparrow

not one of them wwould mind, otherwwise meenah wwould not be wwith you like that? like. meenah wwould not betray her datemates, so clearly they must be fine wwith it

you cant? wwhy not, murdercat - youvve already gotten close to her, yeah?

amicicidalgambler

She has a family, Nadaya.

She has a 8unch of impressiona8le wrigglers and a 8ig clade of people who actually care a8out her.

Even if they're all fine with me d8ing her, I can't 8e like them, and I don't want to 8e the one unrelia8le fuck in the system either.

trolljacksparrow

you dont havve to be like them. she likes you just the wway you are.

and youre not unreliable.

youre a beautiful gleaming knife - shes lucky to havve someone like you on her side! you dont havve to be a bleeding heart rebel to be her clade, and her clade doesnt havve to be your clade

amicicidalgambler

I don't love her, though.

trolljacksparrow

you dont gotta?

amicicidalgambler

Yes I do.

trolljacksparrow

wwhy?

amicicidalgambler

8ecause she deserves someone that cares a8out her pro8lems and gets along with people and everything.

trolljacksparrow

you can care about her problems wwithout havving the lovve component! actions are like, kinda more important than feelings?

i mean, getting along wwith people is optional - fuck knowws i dont get along wwith all of xanthes people, ugh

but i can tolerate emand you can tolerate wwhoevver of meenahs you havve a problem wwith

amicicidalgambler

I *can* care 8ut I *don't*.

trolljacksparrow

do you wwant to?

amicicidalgambler

I don't know?

I can't really decide to want to?

trolljacksparrow

yeah that makes sense

amicicidalgambler

I 8arely care a8out any8ody's pro8lems. That's just how I am.

trolljacksparrow

no thats fair

but like, you can still help evven if you don't give a fuck, cause you like her, i guess?

i dont knoww man

youre pretty close to her, like, i don't think the situation is like any of your past entaglements

the irrelevvant ones you murdered

amicicidalgambler

Mostly.

trolljacksparrow

mostly?

amicicidalgambler

It's different minus the part where I still don't care much.

And like, assuming I could help her at all, I *could* do it just 8ecause I like her.

8ut I don't *want* to.

I never have. 8ecause I'm a 8astard.

And she doesn't need to 8e d8ing a 8astard.

trolljacksparrow

shes also a bastard!

amicicidalgambler

She is not.

And even if she is, she's surrounded 8y people who aren't and will just fucking side-eye me for eternity.

trolljacksparrow

i mean

its not like youvve been pretending!

youre being, like - you're not pretending to be anything other than wwhat you are, like, sure it took a wwhile to actually like be yourself around her but being guarded is different than being a wwhole nother person! its not like youvve been putting on airs of being like a Little Miss Helpful Rebel blah blah 8lah, so if shes fallen for you, shes fallen for wwho you are, yeah? and shes not stupid, either!

amicicidalgambler

She's fallen for *me*, 8ut that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

trolljacksparrow

man, evverything youvve said has boiled dowwn to "im bad for meenah" and like is that like, the entirety of wwhy youre like "fuck" or?

amicicidalgambler

I mean, yeah.

trolljacksparrow

wwhy not trust meenah to knoww wwhat shes getting into?

amicicidalgambler

8ecause that's not going to stop me from overthinking it.

Also if I'm right and I let her anyways then I'm just more of a 8itch!

trolljacksparrow

havve you considered........that youre wwrong?

amicicidalgambler

It feels statistically unlikely.

trolljacksparrow

but not impossible

amicicidalgambler

Theoretically.

trolljacksparrow

wwhat if it happened, though? if it wwas the wway i said and not the wway you ovverthinked?ovverthought

amicicidalgambler

If I was d8ing her and I was wrong then I'd just 8e d8ing her?

trolljacksparrow

but...it wwould be nice????????

amicicidalgambler

It would 8e. 8ut admittedly it's kind of hard to imagine.

Not even in a negative way, really. I just never know what I want.

> The conversation dropped off there. Or more specifically, it had dropped off there a few perigees ago. After that, you didn’t talk to Meenah, and Meenah didn’t happen to talk to you, and there was nothing you did about any of it except think.

> And think you did.

> You...knew that what you said in regards to yourself and Meenah was often self-deprecating in tone. To you it was just logic, that someone who was good and relied on a support system of good people didn’t need an evil black sheep in the works, but you knew how it sounded. And maybe it really was unreasonable. Maybe you were just paranoid or whatever.

> But there had to be a line. A line where you were knowingly letting someone enter a relationship that wouldn’t have the benefits everyone says they should have. And...and if not that, a line where you were knowingly entering a relationship where you were convinced that was the case.

> Originally that latter point was just out of spite. A prepared ‘gotcha’ for the next time you tried to argue about it. They wouldn’t believe that you shouldn’t be with her, so maybe you should take it a step back, say that thinking you shouldn’t be with her meant you shouldn’t be with her! But...at some point, you realized it made more sense than you thought.

> If you were actually dating Meenah, you’d be overthinking everything even more than you did now. Way more. It’d be a situation where you were forever walking on eggshells. One where you calculated and re-calculated every little thing because you were convinced you were inherently bad for her. Always denying her care because you couldn’t care enough back. Forever uncomfortable because she loved you, and you did not and could not love her.

> At some point, it took over as the center of your considerations. You couldn’t stop believing that you just weren’t right for her, not really, but it stopped being the center of your reasoning. Maybe it was that she wasn’t right for you. It made you uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be good for yourself. You’d feel stressed, and you’d feel trapped, and there was no way for you to know if there’d even be a light at the end of that tunnel. But...you didn’t have to wait and find out.

> You could break up with her because you were concerned for yourself. It was possible to put yourself first without being cruelly selfish towards her.

[theangelmojo]

unpopular opinion, but WWX was disappointing in Episode 14 of the Untamed

reasons why? it’s all about after that beautiful music video montage, in the aftermath of his rescue...

he doesn’t so much as thank JC, and immediately goes “here you are at last”. this may seem small, but like. how hard is it to say thanks? he says “it’s been many days since you escaped.” which sounds a lot like since you escaped.

goes straight to asking about LWJ, which i mean... ok, hes in love (LOL) and we get that, but... it might be the fault of the fact that we don’t see any evidence of their (JZX and JC) struggles (i.e. they still look pretty), but he just ignores that they’ve been through a lot too? how hard is it to say “are u ok, bro?”

like, it’s not unreasonable or bratty for JC to ask, “you dont thank me first?” because it’s basic courtesy, even if you don’t mean it, to thank someone for coming back to rescue your ass (i would think)

(gotta take a quick aside to say, i love the fact JC and JZX got along enough to work together... like despite JC not liking him, he’s being very decent and stuff, and yah... manners are good)

imma ignore all the fuckery about the Wens and this attack mode theyve decided on, because thats a whole other kettle of fish

so he wakes up after collapsing and the siblings are all sweet, but then JFM (the bastard) comes in, and... theres all that shit he does with ignoring his other two children and hyper-focusing on WWX (he’s injured, but we all know it’s not because of that)... and WWX doesnt do anything about it? imma break this down further

JFM completely ignores JC. doesnt so much as look at him. says “you suffered a lot this time” to WWX. when WWX says “JC suffered a lot saving me” thats one point in his favour. One. Point.

JFM does his own fuckery by saying “Well done” but doesnt even say it to anyone in particular. WWX isnt dumb. he should know JC needs at least one bit of validation, but does he get that? nope

WWX does that little chin jerk as if to go “see, i stuck up for u” and it’s like minimal effort there, pal. wow. thanku so much. and JC goes and congratulates him, and then WWX says if u were there u couldve had some credit too (and he’s not saying it in a smug way, but like... come on dude, u know ur bro wants that credit desperately)

then im not even gonna go into the detail of JFM scolding JC for saying that stuff, like... everyone knows that bit. what i want to point out is that WWX says nothing throughout all of this. lots of people say that he has to behave well because he’s technically not a family member (servant), but whilst that may be true with Madame Yu, this was the part where she wasnt even there yet?? and its clear that JFM favours him and likes when he speaks his mind, so why couldnt he step up for his little bro instead of letting him be talked to like that???

“Uncle Jiang. It’s alright. He’s just angry and speaking without care.” is like the worst damn thing he couldve said, goddamnit. it just highlights JC’s bad characteristics (which im not denying he has), and martyring himself. would it have been so difficult to say “Uncle Jiang. that’s just the way JC shows concern for his loved ones (and you’d know that if u paid any attention to him at all whatsoever)”

so im not gonna criticise WWX for staying quiet when Madame Yu walks in because thats basic survival instinct. if he speaks then, he’s toast XD and i understand that. it’s afterwards, when he’s comforting JC (or trying to) where he says that JFM is only strict with JC because hes his heir, yadda yadda... im like, does that excuse him blatantly being uncaring to him? why does WWX feel the need to justify that behaviour? all its doing is telling JC that what he gets (which is strictness) is what he gets, and comfort, love, affection etc are not what he deserves from his own father

“But I’m different. I’m the son of someone else.” aiyah man, how does that feature? he was the son of someone else, but it’s obvious since he walked into Lotus Pier that he’s now considered JFM’s son too, at least in the way he treats him!! it’s no excuse to say that, really! ahhhh im so annoyed. and it’s this that leads me to my main point, which is...

as i’ve said before, lots of people would argue that WWX lacks the ability to speak up for JC, or really do anything here, but lemme say why i think that isn’t quite true. in terms of favour, seniority, talent, potential etc etc, it’s obvious that WWX wins. he’s absolutely JFM’s favourite child, there is no question about that. if he spoke his mind and disrespected JFM, the likelihood is that he wouldnt get kicked out even after that!

like, JFM and YZY would have a massive blow out, but can you imagine JFM allowing WWX to be thrown onto the streets?? i cant. it’s more likely JC would be thrown out than WWX...

ok... ok maybe not. idk, but my point stands that the punishment for WWX speaking out would be buffered by JFM. in The Untamed at least, it seems that JFM has a more assertive stance than the donghua (or novel??), so like, i can see him fighting with YZY over it

im frustrated with WWX being so passive about everything basically. and like, that generated this whole shitpost rant. dear god. why am i so invested in this fucking dysfunctional mess of a family. bloody Jiangs...

i knew it wasnt gonna be any different from the previous iterations of MDZS, but why why why couldnt WWX make different choices... haha. change the whole damn canon just to give him and JC less friction. it would make him more of a hero in my eyes if he used his bravery in the family as well as on the battlefield...

[h3llostrang3r]

A Lifetime to Remember

Perfect Match 

Pairing: Dames x Mc Summary: One-Shot.Melina Park is searching for Dames. Word Count: 3,800 Warnings: Language,Sexual content implied(I don’t think it’s anything more explicit than what you would find in a Choices 30 diamond scene.) Notes: I miss Dames. I still haven’t forgiven PB. I give them all my monies and they couldn’t give me Dames during the finale. 

Do you ever have the feeling that someone is watching you? You know, when you get those urges to look over your shoulder even though no one has called out your name. Did you really see something out of the corner of your eye or was your mind playing tricks? Or when you suddenly look up from whatever you were concentrating on because you could just feel a pair of eyes locked on to you. Like you can just feel the heat from their body and it sends a thrilling chill right through you? I have been feeling this more and more every day for the past few months.

Maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. But it feels so incredibly real to me.

I’ve spent countless hours online searching for him…

Keegan hasn’t spoken to me since we took down Rowan and Cecile. She won’t give me any information on what happened to him. I’ve reached out to her and those I’ve found connected to her, but nothing. I don’t know why she’s ignoring me, I proved myself to her before - that I’m on her and all the matches side.

No signs of him and no body found. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I can’t think the worst. I refuse. I know he’s stronger than that. I need to know if Keegan or someone was able to fix his programing, he could have lost so much of what he had by now. He has to be out there somewhere …

That’s why I have spent so much of my down time online. Throwing myself out there. My online alias spreading like wildfire, ThePurpleHairPark. I’m in chat rooms, forums, social media outlets - there’s always someone watching,reading,lurking from behind their screen. The world knows about the matches and there are so many out there helping them. So there has to be someone that has seen him. All I need is one person to point me in the right direction. Or he can come find me. I know he knows how to. Or at least his past memories would.

Can anyone help me? Actually help me? The conspiracies, the theories, they’re insightful, but I need something more.

Where are you, Dames?

Please. I need you …

Melina sits back in her chair staring at the screen. She sighs heavily before she deletes the plead and publishes her newest post to her open forum. Her purple hair slightly covers her face as she hangs her head low. Some strand clinging to her cheeks as tears start to roll down her face. After a deep breath she wipes the tears and gets up to refill on her iced tea.

Melina was at the coffee shop close by to her apartment almost every day. Always getting looks from the customers coming in and out of the shop. She was never quite sure what they thought of her and her laptop sitting in her favorite spot by the window. She didn’t really care, she just wanted to make sure that she could be seen. Her goal was to be seen by him, by Dames.

As Melina stood in line, she checked her phone. No missed calls or texts from Damien. He had been so busy with work since they saved the President, she was thrilled that Damien’s business was booming, but it made it harder for them to make time for each other. They didn’t mind their low-key nights in just them, some takeout (Melina’s cooking still not improving, whoops) and a movie while snuggling on the couch. Yet, with Damien’s ever growing case files he would often come home, grab a snack and head straight to bed. Damien was still supportive of Melina spending time with Hayden, but even she seemed to be too busy for Melina lately.

Melina orders her iced tea - which is on the house, her friend Lily is now working at the register. Lily gives her a wink and flashes her a smile as she shoos Melina along. Melina mouths a, “thank you” as goes to wait for her drink.

Melina never minded being alone and single. There was always something to do, always a way to entertain herself or keep busy until she heard from one of her friends. So why was it now, when she had two loves in her life she felt most lonely? Even Nadia found time to be with Steve and his… abs. Luckily, her cousin would always make time for her at least once a week. But ever since they came out from hiding from Eros’ radar , life never went back to being carefree for Melina.

Her heart had been so full from being loved without judgement from two amazing people in her life, but now that love - where did it go? Had she expected too much? Was it unreasonable of her to want to see them more than 2 or 3 times a week? Melina’s mind often drifted to Dames when she was alone. There was still that spot in her heart reserved just for him. Which often ached at the thought of him, not knowing where he was or if he was even okay.

She had to find him. She needed the answer. Even if he didn’t want to see her again or even want to be with her, she just wanted him to be okay.  

Her name is called and she grabs her rather large drink and heads back to her spot. She stares at her computer a few moments - and there. That feeling. Her face grows warm, her heart begins to beat a little faster, the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. Her eyes look up from under her long eyelashes - slowly scanning the faces in front of her, nothing. She slowly turns her head to the left, no one looking at her. Her back is against a wall so it definitely was not coming from behind. Melina bites her lip as she returns her gaze back to her computer. No, no, that feeling is still there.

She froze - too scared to turn her head again. Move your damn head, Melina. Do it. She ordered herself internally. Did her body know something her mind didn’t? She blinked and a tear began to fall. Exhale, Melina - slowly she let out the breath she was holding. Her body relaxed and she allowed herself to look to her right, out the window she always had to sit by.

There he was across the street, just staring at her with his hands in his pockets and a sad look on his face. That creep, that handsome fucking creep.

“Dames…” she breathlessly says out loud. Her eyes grow wide, she has to hurry or she’ll miss him. RUN she screams in her head, RUN MELINA. She scrambles out of her seat, almost knocking her laptop off the table, but she doesn’t care. Her feet threaten to trip over each other, but she corrects herself. She pushes the coffee shop door open hard and fast, if there was someone about to get hit there was no way she was going to notice. She looks across the street again, he’s not there.

No. Fuck this noise. He’s not getting away without saying a word to me.

Melina’s feet take her to the busy New York street. Her first few steps are in the clear. “Dames” she cries out with every ounce of her heart and soul. “Dames, please.” Her next few steps just miss a car passing by. Her head is spinning, the cars honking in the background seem so far away. The yelling from the other pedestrians not even registering. Her feet stay planted in the street as she frantically looks as to which direction he could have gone.

The honking becomes louder and louder, her ears now pounding. That’s when she looks to her right and coming straight for her is a yellow taxi. Time starts to slow, her breath catches - she can’t move, she wants to scream. Then the feeling, when you can feel the heat of their body against yours. Except this time - it’s real. Her focus goes to him, but is blurred in a flash.

Dames grabs her at incredible speed and throws them both safely to the sidewalk. He envelopes her in his strong arms and shields her from the fall on to the hard concrete. Her legs sting, but that pain is far away from her mind. He holds her for a long time, her face nuzzled in his chest. Her arms tucked between their bodies, her hands gripping for dear life onto his jacket. She inhales his scent, that mix of cologne and rum that reminds her of that blissful night in Paris. In his arms felt so right, she could melt into his touch and not move for hours - but she could live without the dirty sidewalk.

“Dames…” She manages to whisper, “I thought I lost you.” Her body trembles in his arms as the reality hits her. He is here, he is real, he is alive.  She lifts her head from it’s safe space. Oh what she would give to kiss along that jaw and to his mouth. To sink into his lips and wrap her arms around him and never let go.

“Melina what the hell were you thinking?” His face so close to hers, his eyes filled with concern. He brings his hand up to her face to brush back her hair and it lingers as he cups her jaw. Did he dare move his face any closer? Threatening to crash his lips against hers and tangle his hands in her hair, bringing her closer to him and never leave her again.

Before she can answer they are being helped up by onlookers. Her gaze doesn’t move from him, she’s not losing him again. She thanks them and brushes them off as she moves closer to him - if he tries to run she thinks she can be quick enough to grab him by the jacket.

“Please, Dames. Just come to my apartment. Y-you don’t have to s-stay. I …” She drops her head for a moment as she lets out a deep sigh. Looking into his eyes - God, is this real? Is he really in front of me? She says, “I just want to know you’re okay. Our last talk to each other, that wasn’t fair - it wasn’t right. That’s not how things were suppo-”

“Melina…” The way he said her name made her heart skip a beat. “I’ll come with you. We can talk, I promise.” She nodded her head, still in disbelief. Instinctively, her hand intertwined with his. “Do you want to grab your laptop?” He asked as he motioned to the coffee shop.

“I’m not crossing that street again, today. I’ll text Lily to hang on to it for me.”

**

The walk back to Melina’s apartment was silent, apart from the noise from the city, but it didn’t phase either of them. Absentmindedly their thumbs would graze one anothers - fingers still laced together. When they reached her apartment Melina led the way, giving her hips an extra sway for him as they climbed the stairs. She wanted him to watch, and she knew he would. It took her a moment to fetch her keys from her crossbody purse and unlock her door, the adrenaline was kicking in again. This is a part of her life Dames hasn’t experienced first hand. This moment would be intimate one for both of them.

They made their way inside, Dames moved towards her living room, taking it all in. With her eyes closed, Melina slowly closed the door imagining Dames moving closer to her. His hands on either side of the door frame, closing in on her. His chest pressed against her back, his pelvis against her backside, and his lips hovering so close to her ear. She would turn around to face him and that’s when he would press her hard against the door, his lips kissing hers and his hands gripping her hips as hers would tug on his collar.

“This is a really nice place, Melina.” Dames says, snapping Melina out of her thoughts.

“Ya, thanks. Over here is the kitchen… Where I keep the rum. I need a shot, do you want a shot?” Her heart is beating so fast, her hands begin to shake. She makes her way to the cupboards and pulls out two shot glasses and his favorite rum. He sits on a barstool on the other side of her counter, one elbow propped up.

“Melina, are you alright?” His voice is filled with concern as he watches her move quickly.

“Mmhmm. I just, need to calm my nerves. It’s been so long and it’s all happening so fast.” She pours the shots and slides one over to him. He takes his and stares at it for a moment before he returns his attention to her. She raises her glass to him before throwing back the shot. He quietly lets out a sigh, then follows suit. She’s already pouring herself another round and is quick to refill his. The second shot burns her throat, but seems to do its job as it settles her down. She looks into his eyes and she can see the pain in his eyes. The pain he’s been feeling since Paris, since they left him behind in Tokyo to fight Cecile and all those matches. Her breath hitches when he takes her hand into his.

“C’mon, let’s go sit down. Okay?” He says as he leads her from the kitchen to the couch in her living room.

They settle onto the couch, space between them, but their knees slightly brush against the other as they face each other. Her arms are crossed against her body, gently tucked beneath her heaving chest. His hands are placed on his thighs, rubbing back and forth - not sure how he should proceed.

“Dames, where the hell have you been?” Melina breaks the silence, he can hear the hurt in her voice. “I have been endlessly searching for you, hoping and praying that you were alive and until today I’ve had no fucking luck.” The tears start to form in her eyes and her voices begins to shake. “Why now? I know you’ve been in contact with Keegan. Why have you been avoiding me when you know how to get a hold of me? Why? Why?” The tears fall and her cheeks are wet, she can’t wipe them away fast enough. They just won’t stop.

He hates to see her like this, it hurts him to see her cry. He wants to just wrap her in his arms again and bury his face into her hair. He wants to make her pain end, but he’s the one who did this to her - it’s his fault. It’s all his fucking fault. Fuck it, he thinks as he reaches for her and wraps her into a hug. He gently rocks her and she cries even harder. He whispers “I’m sorry” over and over into her ear. It’s not enough, she deserves more than just his words, even if he means it with every ounce of his fabricated heart and soul. “I’m so fucking sorry, Melina.” He says before she pulls back.

She wants him to look her in the eyes when he tells her why. Why he hid from her all this time without one single word, even if those words were “fuck off”, but he didn’t even give her that.

“Melina, I’m so sorry. I was a coward. I was scared to come back to you when I knew my time was coming end. Knowing I only had months to retain all my past memories and feelings. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t bring myself to be near you and lose you all over again.” Melina couldn’t believe what ehe was hearing. He didn’t even attempt to let them try  -

“I eventually came into contact with Kaahn. I didn’t know if he could help me, but I couldn’t let Cecile and Rowan win. I couldn’t go down without some sort of fighting chance.” He sighed as he took Melina’s hands into his. They were so much smaller, and they were so soft. He loved how such a simple touch from her brought such warmth to him.

Her eyes grew wide, fucking Kaahn talked to Dames and he didn’t say a word?When Dames took her hands and it relaxed her for a moment, but she was still in shock. Who the hell did Kaahn think he was? “He attempted to fix my programming. Today is the last day before the original’s program was set to erase everything. Unfortunately, Kaahn doesn’t know if his override will work. I’m scheduled to… ‘reset’ if you will, at midnight. It won’t be until I wake up will I know if it worked. ”

Her world was flipping upside down. Her head was spinning, her heart was breaking, what was she supposed to do with this information? She finally had Dames back, but tonight he could be gone all over again. This wasn’t fair , Dames didn’t deserve any of this. He brushed her hair from her face, he wanted to comfort her as best as he could. He had already accepted what might happen to him, but this was all so much for Melina. He didn’t want her to have to endure all this. This wasn’t something she needed to worry about, she didn’t need to fuss over him.

“Stay with me.” Her eyes pleaded, her lips slightly parted in anticipation of his answer. “I know you wanted me to see you today. I know you weren’t expecting me to run like a mad woman into traffic, but …” she licked her lips and Dames let out a soft groan at the sight. “Please, stay. You’re finally here and I don’t think I can let you go.”

“What about Damien?” He questioned, his feelings for Melina meant the world to him, but he could never come between her and the person who he had to thank and curse for all these wonderful feelings.

She shook her head and said, “He’s surprisingly very open to me having intimate feelings for others. I don’t think you would be an exception. And it’s not about Damien right now. It’s about me and you right now, and right now I want to spend what could be last moments in your arms… if you want that too.”

That was all he needed to hear. He slowly closed the space between them, Melina’s sweet scent filling his senses, making his head swim. His lips found hers, they tasted like rum with a hint of peach from her iced tea that she had been drinking earlier. Her moan sent a tingle through his body. He needed more of her, but he was worried of what would come in the morning.  Dames broke away from the kiss and asked, “Melina, are you okay with keeping it light? I want to be with you so badly, but it’s not fair to you if I won’t have any memories in the morning. I …” Dames hung his head low, scared to meet his gaze with hers. Her warm hands cupped his face and she lifted his chin until he finally looked her in the eyes.

“I am perfectly fine with being held in your arms all night long, but don’t stop kissing me.” Dames stood up and brought Melina to her feet and embraced her in a hug. He lifted her up and she hooked her legs around his waist holding on to him like she would never let go, burying her face in his neck. He led them to the bedroom where they laid in bed all night intertwined. Both Melina and Dames fighting the urge to fall asleep. Their eyelids heavy, but their lips still finding each other. Both whispering each others names on their skin, and their lips. They both succumbed to sleep, the mental exhaustion too much for them to bear any longer.

**

When Melina wakes up she’s not sure what time it is. She can feel the warmth of the sun peeking through her curtains. Her face is still buried in Dames chest, her new favorite place to rest her head. She’s afraid to move, not knowing what will happen if she wakes him up. Will it be him? Will he remember her and the enchanting night they just had. Just him and her wrapped in each other, never letting go. She wants to cry, the anticipation driving her mad, she didn’t want this to end. She didn’t want to lose Dames again.

Moments passed and finally, he began to stir. She held her breath, this was it, the moment of truth. What would she even say if he didn’t recognize her - she guessed she could call Kaahn or Keegan and they would know what to do. Fuck. Why did it have to be this way? Why did this even have to be a thought?

She felt pressure on the top of her head. Was that? Was that a kiss? Another, and another on her temple. She couldn’t move, does he remember? 

“Melina.” He whispers in her vibrant purple locks. She looks up, and he’s smiling the brightest smile she’s ever seen. He’s beautiful, he’s perfect, he’s ….

“I remember. Everything.” He can’t stop smiling, his head clear of the fog that was his limited programing. Lifetime upon lifetime worth of memory just waiting to be stored. Kaahn did it.

“Stay with me.” Her voice gentle, she didn’t ask, she wanted him to know she wanted him.

“As long as you want me, I will always be here for you, Melina.” His lips found hers over and over again. They trailed along her jaw and down her neck. She moaned his name and begged for more. Piece by piece their clothes made their way to her bedroom floor. His groans grew louder the lower his kisses wandered. Her skin was soft, she was so beautiful and her taste was like ecstasy on his tongue. Melina’s moans drove him to please her harder and harder until she was trembling against his mouth.

“I want all of you, Dames. Please. I need you..” She begged between her panting breaths.

Dames kissed Melina ever so gently as he made his way between her legs. Their moans mingling as they moved against one another. Melina savored the pressure of Dames’ muscular body on top of her’s. She held him close, not wanting to let go. He was finally back in her life and to stay this time.

Dames is here, he is real, Dames is alive.  

[dramarising-replacement]

response to http://dramarising.com/post/179779719582/link-if-image-doesnt

…warning, this ended up longer than i meant it too, i just have a lot of thoughts about it, decided to make it it’s own post instead of just a reblog-reply thing…

— main points — this really bothered me when it happened, and i feel like using just this section of the conversation alone is deliberately setting up vv to look the worst they possibly could in this situation. obviously, vv did not react well at all to what happened here, but i think its worth it to consider how it might have felt to them before diving in and calling them a shitty person. they may well BE a shitty person, i dont know them that well, but that is kind of beside the point here? s/o else posted the full event… ill repost here also: https://imgur.com/a/Sz5Bdes basicly, vv was clearly already upset, and they were in the middle of talking when a mod said ‘don’t use the word ‘retard’ b/c its a slur’. they tried to do it as a polite aside, but i think its important to consider how that looks and feels… it feels like ‘i dont care that you are upset, and not really listening to what you are saying because i am more concerned about the words you are using.’ it was hella insensitive, imagine being upset and trying to talk about it, then being interrupted in this way. and being called out by a mod, even politely, stings a bit. its kinda upsetting, even when the mod is polite and well within their rights, when if you later think ‘yeah, i was in the wrong there, at the time’, it hurts and feels embarrassing when it happens. so they were already upset, then that happens, and it feels like an attack, even tho it is not meant to be.

i can understand why it made the venting channel feel like it wasnt actually a great place to, you know, vent, and there was a lot of backlash.

i think the initial mod could have handled the notification a bit more delicately, like, dont publicly call someone out on a thing while they are clearly actively upset about something already… maybe pm them, wait until they are finished, or use gentler more generalized language when making the reminder. i am also not sure how much I agree with the request in the first place (since saying ‘omg he called me a retard’ vs ‘omg he called me a r****d’ feels… idk��� not equivalent. describing what happened exactly helps to exorcize one’s feelings, thats part of the point of venting… of course, the mod and other admin were well within their rights here, and its is fine if that is how they want to run things, but i disagree in a general way. referring to a slur is not the same as using a slur, which is very not ok.

most everything else was people being obstinate and foolish, carrying on when several mods say multiple times to stop talking while they review the event or try to change the topic is just dumb. i am sure that if you wanted to politely have a conversation with a mod about the policy, you could, if you waited until the fervor died down and contacted them directly, instead of dragging it out in front of everyone — an aside about the slur ‘r****d’ — i might be out of touch, but i honestly didnt know r****d was that bad of a thing to say. i havnt really heard it used since i got out of highschool anyway. it feels like an old and ill-advised insult that brings to mind some lazy-ass slacker rolling his eyes ‘oh, mr so-and-so assigned homework, thats fucking retarded, doesnt he know its friday?’ or some shit. of course, im also happy to update my conception of the word. if ppl now feel it is and recognize it as a slur, i am happy to agree, i can certainly see why the word is gross and problematic and clearly targeted to specific groups in a slur-like way. mental dictionary updated! but since i did not know that before now, asking for a list doesn’t seem unreasonable, tho vv did ask for one in a kind of aggressive way. what words do we understand better as being harmful now that we did not in the past, what words have had their meanings shifted and stolen by linguistic evolution, and how to i avoid being publicly embarrassed by saying one of them and getting called out for it. a list might actually be a useful tool. — ending statement — not trying to white-knight, exactly, i just feel like this whole thing was a trainwreak overall. vv did not handle it well, nor did the mods, and i came away just feeling gross and sad. i wouldnt even have noticed it occurred because i keep the vent channel muted and never visit it, except that one day there was a vent-channel-2, and since it was new it was not muted and caught my eye ‘wonder what happened here?’ i thought, some crazy stupid bullshit is what.

[sapphic-bifrost]

my best friend at college told me he was gonna surprise me bc his gf is coming early and ive been looking forward to meeting her, but he spilled the beans bc i was stressed about getting a bad work schedule this semester and he thought i could use good news. im very excited but i also know its going to make me a little sad bc im single now and i remember telling my ex about her and its just weird and kind of annoying that i cant just erase that relationship from my life bc it bothers me a lot to think about it.

it just feels like i tried so hard for so long to make it work and it was hurting more and more and my ex did not seem very concerned about me being extremely upset like,, constantly. so i finally thought breaking up would at least relieve that lingering bitter feeling but!! i never got closure so its still there. and i really?? just dont know. im done trying to figure it out on my own and i thought maybe we might get together again but its long past the time for that. i dont want to anymore either, i think. im still shaky on that but its getting more stable with every day that passes and i keep processing how i felt and how i feel. but yeah its weird seeing my best friend and his gf, who is extremely similar to me, work through things and even just have non-issues about the very things that did me in. Im obviously okay with the fact that my own relationship couldnt work while his is, because i’d never want him or his gf to feel the way i feel, the way ive been feeling. but it just makes me wonder how much is unreasonable to hope for from anyone and how much was unreasonable to ask for specifically from my ex? because there are things i never even told her that i thought about and i’d admit them to various friends and feel all guilty until they all told me that those things were extremely normal things to hope for from a relationship.

im one step away from the point where im no longer interested in talking with her about it anymore, but on a personal level i need to know if i was seriously that fucked up and need to change so that i dont hurt the next person i enter a romantic relationship with, or what. its extremely irritating that despite what i truly objectively believe about why a relationship or situation went south, i always find a way to convince myself it must be my fault, whether by honest mistake or fatal flaw or intention, and it takes constant energy for months or literal years to then fill in that hole or alter that part of me that i think is flawed or eventually convince myself of the fact that i wasnt in the wrong. and its so exhausting. but its fine bc when in my life have i ever not been the person doing the work to make myself the perfect golden girl so that maybe one day i can actually ask people for things without constantly feeling guilty and maybe even feel like i actually deserve to get them.