#i really don't know how to hndle this
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#i hate food so fucking much#and I hate that I need to eat#and I hate that I'm like this and I can't live like a normal person#i think i got myself into pretty bad place and i can't get out#because in past few weeks i decided I'm not going to care about calories and working out and eating unhealthy#and now i can't look at myself anymore#and I'm really fighting the urge to eat just once a day#I'm trying to take care about myself but it's hard when I feel so much anger towards myself whenever I eat something#so then I eat and exercise and run until I can't stand on my legs anymore#and I am trying to understand that gaining 2-3kg isn't going to change anything but I feel like a failure#i think i went completely crazy#i really don't know how to hndle this#i lost 20 kg in less than 12 months and I like my body for the first time in my life#for the first time in my life i feel sexy and attractive#and I'm so scared to gain any weight because I don't ever want to be fat again I don't want to how I felt#but now gaining a gram of weight makes me feel like I'm fucking obese again#and it's frustrating because just period by itself makes you gain weight I'm fully aware that bodies are constantly changing#but I can't stop trying to fight it#and I'm fucking tired of this#of constantly counting calories and weighing myself and measuring myself...like I want to stop... I don't want to care anymore#but i can't because then it feels like I'm not in control#i feel like I'm going in a bad direction if I'm not in constant calorie deficit#and I'm scared because I also don't want to hurt my body any more than it already is#I don't know what to do because all doctors are telling me that I'm fine and healthy#I'm sorry for talking about this I'm sure i must sound absolutely stupid#it's just that dinner time is coming and I'm trying to do everything possible so that it comes later#and hilarious thing is that I'll eat salad with tomatoes and cucumber and feel fucking guilty about it until it will keep me awake tonight#i apologse...i am aware how negative i am#i just can't say this to anyone and it feels nice to complain to the void
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