#i really am sick of tumblr sometimes just not displaying readmores properly

[homenecromancer]

website respect my readmore please

ive been in one of those states lately where eventually you look back from the future and you can just say “yeah i was really depressed, because using my hands for anything was painful, and possibly risked future permanent damage, but not being able to use my hands for the hobbies i had previously enjoyed left me with little to do but just stew anxiously”, but living through that in real time is deeply, deeply dull :|

of course, real life never slows down to let you process something like that, so i have also been dealing with, like, the inevitability of death, from two separate directions.

the cat i loved, and promised his first owner i’d make sure was cared for after she died, had to be put down this past week. what can you say — i miss him, and i wish that i had been able to take him into my own home. (he belonged to a close friend’s grandma, and then went to live with said friend after his grandma died. i have animal dander allergies and so do other people i live with, so i couldn’t have the cat myself.)

my dad isn’t getting better, and day-to-day it’s easy to pretend things are okay and normal. but also, like. if my mom and brother are out of the house, then i won’t go for a walk, because that would leave my dad alone in the house. last year he had a minor seizure while cooking and absolutely fucked up some eggs; he and the pan were fine, thankfully. when i was growing up, and after i became an adult, he cooked almost all of the meals; over the past few years he’s gradually cooked less and less, and probably sooner rather than later he’ll just… stop. he won’t be able to cook anymore. things will get worse and if we’re lucky it’ll just be a slow, gentle slide. that’s the good option.

like i am currently surviving in the bare-minimum sort of way, but things are not going great, and i am doing too well at putting one miserable foot in front of the other to really look at myself and go “no, it’s bad and i can admit that”. im gonna go put on a podcast and not send this email i meant to send today

anyway i opened this post intending to mention how i checked out an ebook from the library today and for some goddamn reason the publisher set the default formatting so it was doublespaced. the book did not benefit from this. thankfully Libby has a “knock that the fuck off” feature