#i realize its prolly not normal/healthy to think like this

[semiotomatics]

its weird, sometimes i cant sleep and its like torture, and sometimes its just like. chill. like its been 2 hours since i "went to bed" and im still not asleep yet but im not stressed abt it at all, im just. lying here. good i guess???

[smolbeanecho]

just adding on to this, i think that i am just tired of being someone. i enjoy being social with ppl i like but sometimes i just want to shut up and sleep and still have companionship. which i realize now is a tall order, esp since the times when i feel this urge the strongest is at lunch, when everyone is full of energy and all bundled together. idk, i want to still feel validated as a person even when i am not trying to be funny.

unfortunately, it seems like my coping mechanism for this is mobile games and andrew (for now) so not v healthy of me. whenever i feel like that my thoughts usually go to andrew first, who is basically just a place holder at this rate, i feel bad but i think jts the truth, and i can’t talk abt him either because i have nothing to talk abt and its not something that ppl are allowed to say out loud, so then i turn to my mobile games :(

this only reinforces my feelings as an uninteresting dull vapid selfish person and i feel like shit. i wonder if these obsessions r like mental illness caused or if i’m just normal. don’t think i have adhd or autism. google says i’m mildly depressed but most teenagers r anyways. but i feel if i told this to anyone i’d get flamed to high heavens. or they just wouldn’t know how to respond. both bad and avoidable situations

i guess what i want isnt to reflect and fix myself like a normal person would, but i’d rather have someone just be ok with the more horrible side of bc b me. the desperate sad part with not much to say, acknowledge it and still love me. impossible, i know, but that seems like the root of these daydreams. i’d like to know that if you peel away the louder side of me, there is still something worth loving, even if it’s nothing. that there is something fundamental within me that makes me unique and can never be stripped away from me even when all else

also i don’t think i’m number one jn anyone’s life rn and that makes me sad. i like attention. ah there’s the unhealthy part, i’m too dependent on others approval to be happy. if i had no friends i probably would be in the throes of extreme pain, but being number 2 3 4 5 etc is better than nothing. as long as there’s a place in your heart for me, i’ll be fine. that was my discord status once. haha i used to have to fit my rants and vents into one sentence

i wonder what’s gonna happen if i moved out alone into the forest, maybe i’d kill myself and let my cat eat me. i don’t think i could survive alone, but also the most alone i’ve ever been was in atlanta, and i was extremely happy to be living without my family. so maybe i’d be happy to be alone, i’d miss my friends tho. i know if i was more open with them they’d prolly try to understand, and would support me. i like it best when chloe randomly holds my hand or when alex hugs me or when brielle pats me on the cheek. i lost my original point, and thinking about them made me happy now, so i’ll go study for physics

i daydream so many things that would be. absolutely horrendous. irl