#i realize its prolly not normal/healthy to think like this

[semiotomatics]

its weird, sometimes i cant sleep and its like torture, and sometimes its just like. chill. like its been 2 hours since i "went to bed" and im still not asleep yet but im not stressed abt it at all, im just. lying here. good i guess???

[smolbeanecho]

just adding on to this, i think that i am just tired of being someone. i enjoy being social with ppl i like but sometimes i just want to shut up and sleep and still have companionship. which i realize now is a tall order, esp since the times when i feel this urge the strongest is at lunch, when everyone is full of energy and all bundled together. idk, i want to still feel validated as a person even when i am not trying to be funny.

unfortunately, it seems like my coping mechanism for this is mobile games and andrew (for now) so not v healthy of me. whenever i feel like that my thoughts usually go to andrew first, who is basically just a place holder at this rate, i feel bad but i think jts the truth, and i can’t talk abt him either because i have nothing to talk abt and its not something that ppl are allowed to say out loud, so then i turn to my mobile games :(

this only reinforces my feelings as an uninteresting dull vapid selfish person and i feel like shit. i wonder if these obsessions r like mental illness caused or if i’m just normal. don’t think i have adhd or autism. google says i’m mildly depressed but most teenagers r anyways. but i feel if i told this to anyone i’d get flamed to high heavens. or they just wouldn’t know how to respond. both bad and avoidable situations

i guess what i want isnt to reflect and fix myself like a normal person would, but i’d rather have someone just be ok with the more horrible side of bc b me. the desperate sad part with not much to say, acknowledge it and still love me. impossible, i know, but that seems like the root of these daydreams. i’d like to know that if you peel away the louder side of me, there is still something worth loving, even if it’s nothing. that there is something fundamental within me that makes me unique and can never be stripped away from me even when all else

also i don’t think i’m number one jn anyone’s life rn and that makes me sad. i like attention. ah there’s the unhealthy part, i’m too dependent on others approval to be happy. if i had no friends i probably would be in the throes of extreme pain, but being number 2 3 4 5 etc is better than nothing. as long as there’s a place in your heart for me, i’ll be fine. that was my discord status once. haha i used to have to fit my rants and vents into one sentence

i wonder what’s gonna happen if i moved out alone into the forest, maybe i’d kill myself and let my cat eat me. i don’t think i could survive alone, but also the most alone i’ve ever been was in atlanta, and i was extremely happy to be living without my family. so maybe i’d be happy to be alone, i’d miss my friends tho. i know if i was more open with them they’d prolly try to understand, and would support me. i like it best when chloe randomly holds my hand or when alex hugs me or when brielle pats me on the cheek. i lost my original point, and thinking about them made me happy now, so i’ll go study for physics

i daydream so many things that would be. absolutely horrendous. irl

[trigger-talk]

🌟I dont know if this is going to sound dumb or bad or what but ive. I think at least, come to the realization that my exes name might be a trigger for me? Whenever i see someone mention or say it i just start shaking uncontrollably untill i can get my attention focused entirely on something else. even tho i know it prolly it, i just… is that normal? I feel like it is, but ive never BEEN traumatized before–i had a super sheltered, healthy childhood compared to… it seems like literally Everyone Else On the Planet sometimes.

but then i entered my very first real relationship, which lasted three years and ended around–i think it was almost exactly a year ago? And it was just. A horrible relationship. We were still only teenagers, and we were extremely toxic for each other, they emotionally manipulated me with love talk and su*cide threats and told me i was a bad person any time i even remotely disagreed with or upset them??

but because i was A year, almost 2 (weird birthdays situation), older than them, they told me and a lot of our other mutual friends that i was the only one who was abusive, and completely shut me down whenever i tried to tell people about how they treated me–and i recently found out that, even tho i have them blocked, they have people stalking my blog and theyve been vague posting about me and trying to get certain fandom groups to shun me, so i cant even vent about this fear on there bc theyll say im being manipulative and shitty, and i don’t know what to do or how to feel about it.

i know i wasnt the best partner, and that I should have known better, but i was a dumb teenager who /didn’t/ know any better because id never been in a relationship before, so i know i shouldn’t be blaming myself s, but i cant tell if this even counts as.. really being traumatic? Is it bad enough for me to “get to use” the word trigger in regards to how their name makes me feel? Is that even what triggers make people feel, is there another word for it that i dont know about, it is just extreme paranoia???

Im sorry if this isnt the best/right blog to go to, it was just..  the only one i could find that gives any kind of advice AND has been at all active at all in the past 2 months-a year. Im sorry if this is too much, like, to process,and if you just want/need to delete it for your own mental health reasons, i understand completely, i just… am desperately searching  for a place to get some kind of answers or validation or clarification or. Anything at all, really??

Im sorry for sending this as a submission too, i just think it really requires the context and i didnt want to flood your inbox with numbered asks bc i know that ce be annoyingto deal with–Thank you if you can answer, and if not, i hope you have a really good day regardless, Mods! The blog is a blessing that seems to have helped a lot of other people, so great work!

-

Mod Meep’s Response: Hi, love, I’m so sorry this is a bit delayed. I’m going to start at the top and work my way down:

Yes, that definitely sounds like a trigger for you, that is a very common response to seeing/hearing one. And triggers can happen to anyone, not only is there no shame in having one even if you had a Healthy Childhood, I’m glad you can recognize what it is and seek out help. 

Your ex does sound very abusive and honestly dangerous. I don’t know the whole situation but if they do ever try anything towards you, you might consider legal action against them - even if it’s only to stop the vague hate. 

I promise it’s okay and what happened to you is not your fault, not in the slightest. You were young, you make mistakes when you’re young, and even if you did make mistakes you were hurting at her hands and that needs to be addressed. Suicide baiting, false claims of abuse, negative and violent talk, all of that is extremely hurtful and traumatic and not something that you’re faking. It’s not just extreme paranoia - and even if it was, your emotions and feelings are valid and there are ways to make them easier to deal with. For example, if you have the funds and resources you may want to try a therapist, which might help you move on from the relationship and get you help. If not, there are online resources, or you could try exposure therapy with maybe an online consult first. I would advise against any sort of treatment without talking to a doctor first but understand that’s not always possible.

It’s totally fine that you sent it as a submission, I promise it is, you could’ve sent it by homing pigeon and we would’ve answered :D. I don’t know if its the best blog to go to but I hope this response helped, we’re not experts here but maybe this will point you in the right direction. And thank you, I’m so glad we could help some people!

-Mod Meep

[roonzieart]

I’m back! Do keep up with my Instagram as I am mostly active there. 

Long post ahead:

Mental illness are often seen as taboo topics. Many might suffer from it, but not all are willing to speak up about it. There’s no need for pity parties or self wallow, but awareness and education are definitely needed. We live in this high pace society where “expectations” are thrust upon us. When we were younger, we were taught that nothing is impossible; but the moment we start chasing after our dreams, the elders often find reasons to discourage us. “Be secured and happy.” is prolly what you heard often. Instilling their personal fear upon us is something they’re really good at doing.

But, have you ever analyzed their lives, and wonder, are they really happy?

We feel like we have a huge debt to pay off our parents, it’s only natural to feel that way. They sacrificed so much for us, all they want is for us to be happy; unconsciously guilt tripping us into a routine that doesn’t scream us.

When you choose a path not deemed “normal”, you are a failure. But could you consider yourself successful if you succeed in other’s expectations, but not yours?

Secured, sure; but what’s the meaning of all that? So we could die in peace in the end of the day? What does it even mean if you could afford everything in this world, but still not feeling content? Being shackled from your dreams? I am nothing close to wealthy and I understand money IS important, we gotta work for it, but the idea of being enslaved by it is pretty cringey.

One could say that I am ungrateful, that I am gifted with a healthy life, but still not appreciating it. The physically impaired would long for what I have. Truth is, we always want something humans always want what they don’t have. Not all come to realize that we are all different, our living philosophies are different, it’s only natural that our purpose and stories are different.

If living means fitting into a mold, where you have to shut your true self in, why even bother doing so? Nobody’s really stopping us, it’s pretty much just our fears. Fear of judgements, fear of rejection, fear of being an outcast.

Let’s face it, if you think I only feel pain because of my nihilistic mentality, I respect you as a person. These are just my personal thoughts, feel free to leave, there’s no need to waste time on unfruitful debates and arguments.

Being mentally unfit has its social stigma. People often shun us off as lunatics, or in my case, lack of self control. I remember my dad telling me that I had everything too easily, which caused me to I seek for more; greed for dreams, greed for food.

I was upset, they never understand, they prolly still don’t, but that doesn’t stop me from respecting them.

I have my depressive episodes and I’d tried to kill myself multiple times years ago. My parents never took that well. Honestly, no parents would want to watch their child end themselves.

If someone were to ask me now, do I really want to die, my answer would definitely be no.

I made many foolish mistakes, prolly am still doing so, but everyday I learn to be a better version of myself. I learnt to realize that relapsing is normal because my brain chemicals had been farked up pretty bad, I learnt that no matter how hard I tried to explain things, the baby boomers will never understand our pain. We live in the same space, but our worlds don’t collide.

I spent many years seeking for validation from them, but in the end of the day, I should be seeking for my own validation. Do I respect myself enough to listen to my voice?

Why do I went for such drastic measures when I all I need is just to prove myself right. At this point, it doesn’t bother me if I am wrong, at least I know that’s what I want. I Would not be left with any resentment towards others, because if anything, they’re all my own decisions. I will have to own them 100%.

“I don’t give a fark.” is prolly my most common phrase if you know me well enough in person. Truth is I care a little too much about what others think of me. As a child, we learn to abide rules. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being respectful towards the elders, but obeying them is a different matter.

I shut myself in for too long, the voices in my head grew loud and venomous. Suicide seems to be the easiest way out. I declared quit so many times.

Suicide victims are often overseen as cowards. Coming from a person who had failed so many suicide attempts, let me be clear that it does take up a lot of courage to plot your death.

Nothing is romantic about it, death is never beautiful like what media depicts it as.

I believe every human being are born with natural instincts to protect ourselves from danger. Imagine going against that. Only those who had suffered too long and seek no way out could do so.

My suicidal thoughts still visit me every now and then, but now I know I have duties to fulfil, dreams to achieve.

If I love creating so much, why would I end my life before I could watch others enjoy my creations?

At this point, it’s not about seeking validation from others anymore, but to genuinely share my passion and to guide others out of misery.

Why add another sad news to the media, while I can inspire others to carry on?

By no means I am special or gifted, no one is truly special in this world, we all perish eventually.

This is all I could offer, I love to and I want to. I would never forced my opinions on others. I can’t help anyone, I could only guide you. You’ve gotta help yourself out.

Being a bulimic, with high functional depression, social anxiety and bipolar disorder while chasing after a dream is honestly tiring, but it gives me a reason to carry on, call me a fool.

They had became apart of me, I could only learn to tame them, while working on what makes me happy. I am not where I want to be now, in fact, my eating disorder relapse real hard, I still dislike looking into the mirror, but that person looking back at me, is still apart of me.

If I can’t love her, nobody can.

If there’s anything anyone can take away from reading all this, is, chances are there might be more people around you that are suffering from mental disorders. It’s almost unavoidable in this era. Educate yourselves, be kind to others, but most of all, never forget to listen to yourself.

I have a lot more to say, but I will save that for another time.