#i read these on holidays after finishing highschool and before starting uni and i really think they changed something in me

[allerod]

30 aka my own question, what's the absolute fucking worst "historical" movie series book whatever you've ever evered?

right, so they're not officially a couple, but i read them one after the other in a span of like three days, and they're both the same genre of alternative history so here are the worst two historical books i ever had the (dis)pleasure of reading:

the premise of the first one was simply "what if piłsudski haven't had cancer". and boy is the answer to that a doozy, according to the author! because, you see, if piłsudski had lived longer, he and hitler would meet up. and hitler would be so impressed by his mustache and strong belief in military supported dictatorships, he would fall in love instantly. and attacking your crush country is not a good flirting technique, so instead germany and poland would become allies in wwii. piłsudski would die nevertheless, and at this point hitler would start dating a polish girlie who reminded him of his, now dead, One True Love (piłsudski). they would be going on creepy dates and had creepy sex and all that, all while the war is going Great! woo! with the combined power of german-polish scientists, now not in camps, they could really invent a fully functional wunderwaffe, and a showing of it's power is scheduled. but sike! the girlie is working with the polish gov! using her position, she schemes with polish scientists! they change the weapon coordinates! the whole upper nazi management goes boom! poland takes control of german army and singlehandedly wins world war ii! hurray we're winner! but wait! the girlie was pregnant and now she's sad and she names her son adolf and writes down her memories of all the creepy dates she went on with her, now dead, One True Love (hitler). which her son finds after her death and sends to the publisher and that's this book apparently.

what a drag. the middle part was truly uncomfy. like bro why am i reading about hitler having sex. repeatedly. i can't recall the title of this, which is truly a tragedy, but whatever, it's over, let's read something else. oh what's this? a book named "the embaSSy"? well might as well, maybe this one will be better.

wait why is this set in modern day warsaw? ohh i see, this building we are moving into used to be a german embassy, okay. uh oh besties, these are the doors to a neighboring flat, ours is a floor above. huh, why is this flat full of nazi cosplayers. well, whatever, i need to pee i'm just gonna go to the toil- WHY IS HITLER SITTING ON THIS TOILET SINGING A SILLY SONG AND DOING FINGER GUNS. well whatever, we're returning to our own flat and we are taking hitler with us. who, upon getting to know him better, turns out to be a really swell guy. also turns out he knows nothing about any planned attack, he just wants to chill really, what do you mean world war. ooh could it be that this EVIL CLONE of him plans to take over ?! we gotta stop him, so back to the other flat we go! but first lets leave hitler here and give him a shave. okay now we can go. time for some wacky shenanigans! we get rid of the EVIL CLONE, but uh oh, there's a planning bombing of warsaw incoming in retaliation of killing hitler. and we shaved our bestie the real hitler, so no one will recognize him ; ; fortunately everyone knows his voice, so we just have to get him on a really high roof and give him a radio and he can communicate with the pilots to turn back and cancel the bombing. as soon as we find him in modern day warsaw because it seems he broke out of his enclosure..... time running out but we do it, the planes turn at the last moment, gg ez, we say a tearful goodbye to our new best friend and return home. if you disregard the noisy neighbors, this is quite a nice flat, right? and the view is beautiful, straight onto the palace of culture and science! wait where has the palace gone?

was:

is:

i cannot overstate how incredibly cringe that book was. i have never in my life read anything more cringworthy and i am not exaggerating. it's apparently based on a comedy movie by the same title, and every day i live in fear that i'll be forced to watch it and die instantly from the amount of terrible jokes presented to me.

but reading these two back to back was truly an Experience. i like to think they're taking part in the same universe, and stalin's penis was amputated in that timeline because we actually won wwii. thank you girlie for your service 🙏

[teachy-blog1]

Love, Life, and Leaving it all Behind

Hey there! (He addressed the empty room). 

I almost forgot about this place, but I actually kind of missed you? It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post, which is probably a good thing. Things are going pretty god since last time I posted. I finished uni with a 2:1, got a girlfriend, and in about a month I’ll be fulfilling my childhood dream of moving to Japan for a year. Things should be going great, but I’m here. You know what that means.

So. Let’s talk a little about my wonderful girlfriend for a moment. She’s not Jazzhands from my last post. That went nowhere, really. She’s definitely not Caesar. She is a new girl who was a friend of a friend that I got with at a party and things have been peachy since. We’ve been together for about 9 months, I think. From henceforth I’ll call her SPF. She’s sweet, cares about me deeply, and we’re very happy together. And in about 25 days I’m leaving her for a year, longer than we’ve been together. 

Now I’m not breaking up with her like I did with Cupcake back in highschool. That was a trial by fire I feel I needed to go through to become who I am now. It was the worst few months of my life, that breakup. I was depressed, I developed a pretty intense anxiety, all that fun stuff. I took part in some pretty reckless behaviour during that trial too. Drugs, excessive drinking etc etc, old story. But I feel I came out of it for the better. I loved Cupcake, but that time has passed and I’ve come to accept that now as opposed to trying to forget like I did back then. 

SPF was supportive of me moving to Japan. It was nearing the end of my time at uni, I was planning on doing my NQT year first and then “seeing what happens” until I was applying for teaching jobs and I saw an advertisement to teach English abroad. I’d always been interested in that, and I applied to teach in Japan just because. But then I got the job. I asked SPF if she was okay with it many times, and she said absolutely she’d support e as I had always wanted to teach abroad AND visit Japan. My parents took some more convincing, but I won them over too. But things changed when I took the job. Things became real. We realised all the things I’d miss. Christmas, her birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, her graduation. It sunk in, and I began to feel like I’d made a mistake.

I was too far in. It was too late to get a domestic teaching job, and besides, I’d already accepted and passed the interview. This was something I had dreamed of doing since reading about Japanese history as a kid, and something I had planned on doing all through uni, but here I was feeling like I had agreed to sell my legs. Talking about it felt like a dying man discussing his funeral. I assured her it would all be okay “after I was gone”, that we’d get used to it. So we went on like this, and she began counting the days left together like I did back with Cupcake and that terrible summer. As time went on my optimism faded to realism, to thinking “would we really make it through this? Would it be worth it?”. Her pessimism stayed the same.  

SPF is many wonderful things, but confident she is not. Especially when it comes to relationships. I could never even consider sharing with her these concerns, or else she’d only see it as undeniable evidence that we’d break up the second I hit Japanese soil. That I was just looking for an excuse to. The worst part is, this time she’s not completely off the mark.

Back when we first started going out, she was far more into me than I was her. There’s no way to say this without coming off as masturbatory, but I was the person she’d been crushing on for a good while before the relationship, and at the start when she was at that level and I was “Just seeing how it goes” meant that each day I would rehearse in the shower how I might break up with her if it didn’t work out. I warmed to her very quickly, though, so it was no problem. 

But that’s far too cheery for this blog (if you can even call it that), so let’s get into the meaty bit.

Back when I was growing to like SPF more and more, I realised the only reason I gave her a shot in the first place was because she was into me, and that felt great. It doesn’t happen often. As my feelings grew, I realised that provided nothing turns you off someone completely, with enough time you can love anyone. Those thoughts have recently resurfaced, and when faced with a year in a long-distance relationship with anxiety-riddled people on both ends, it was not going to be a fun time. But what if we broke up? I might find someone else as easily as SPF, love them just as much. I feel terrible for thinking that, and I know doing so would crush SPF, but would it be worse than the pains of a LDR for a whole year? We’re both bad at it, though getting better. I considered breaking up with her sooner rather than later, but for my 21st birthday my wonderful parents had paid for a holiday for SPF and I to go on in July, a few months before I was due to leave. As such, I was stuck with her really, though that make it sound like I was desperate to get away. Truthfully, I love SPF very much and only considered breaking up like I did with Cupcake three years earlier to save more grief later down the line. Regardless, that option was taken off the table and here we are. 

My current plan is as always to “see how it goes”. If it is as painful as I fear I’ll talk with her about parting ways, but otherwise it might work out for the better? Perhaps this means I want to stay with SPF more than Cupcake. It’s hard to tell since my memories of her are tinted rose by time, but I know it wasn’t perfect. Perhaps it means I’ve grown or matured since then, somehow.

There is a part of me who wants to cancel the whole thing, stay at home, move in with SPF and forget the whole abroad business, but I know abandoning my dreams for a girl I’ve been with for less than a year would feel worse than any time apart from her. She wouldn’t allow that either. At least she said so at the start, now she has been suggesting I just stay.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, to be honest. Normally this helps me clear my head and formulate a plan, but I already had one. My head is clear but my heart is heavy. The latter of which seems to be a requirement for posting here. I suppose it feels good to put my feelings out there, even if you aren’t out there yourself. If anyone does find these or I’m dumb enough to show someone someday, hello! Thanks for stopping by. Hope you liked reading my anxieties on paper. Otherwise if it’s you, the void, I’m calling to, I hope I don’t need to talk to you again. I’m going to make one more post about Japan I think, but I hope Japan is great and there are no problems and my life goes so well I never have to pour my heart out to you again, but if not then I suppose I’ll talk to you next time. Thanks as always for listening.

- Teachy