#i read these hundreds of times but i could never describe how beauitufl and majestic it is

[orchid3a]

YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME HOW TO FORGET YOU. ( childe x reader, part two )

╰┈➤ you never thought your lover was hiding something so cruel from you.

pairings — childe / tartaglia x fem!reader.

warnings — reader is a ragnvindr (not specified whether adopted or not, so it's up to you), reader have an anemo vision, reader and childe are 20, kaeya is older than diluc (personal headcanon of mine lmao), lumine is the traveler, HEAVY ANGST with some small amounts of fluff, yandereish behavior, possessiveness, a battle, injuries and scar mentions, violence, suggestiveness and smut descriptions.

word count — 8.5k

notes — phew, this was a long ride!!! don't worry, there will be a part three coming soon to your dash and more genshin fics from me too !!!!

find part one here.

if anybody told you what would transpire when you agreed to go to liyue with the traveler and paimon, you would’ve laughed on their faces without a second thought. 

seeing ajax again had always been a fever dream — sometimes you thought he was a fever dream, but the lost pair of your mother’s earring was the reminder that he existed in your past. in your memories, once, but now he was here, and you were with him. you could feel his warmth beneath your palms, feel his breath in your neck whenever his arms held you while you prepared breakfast, you could look at his eyes and memorize every shade of blue present on his orbs to never forget again. you could hear his voice whispering soothing words in your ear every night before sleep, hear his melodic and boyish laugh and be infected by it, following in with your own happy sounds. 

but, just like his vision, he was just water reflecting your own face — it didn’t matter how much you tried to reach, you never could reach him. the ajax you met when you were only eight, the little boy who helped you find your family. you understand that boy had already been killed by life just like the little girl you were once was when crepus ragnvindr died in your brother’s arms, but you still saw that boy when ajax was ajax. 

it was fitting for someone with two names to be two different persons. 

childe and ajax were two different persons, even though they were the same. childe was charming and arrogant, reckless and confident in his abilities. you liked that version of him, with his confident smile and smooth words — it made him look like the knight in shining armor of the stories your mother used to read for you, and childe always managed to make you flustered and sigh like a young girl in love. but you preferred ajax, the side of him that only came out when you two were in the confines of his house, skin to skin, breathless whispers of declarations of love and desperate kisses. he was there when your head was on his chest, listening to his heartbeat while his hands were drawing circles on your skin, lips open to tell you about what happened in the years you two were away from each other. 

you learned how childe was born in a night like that, when ajax told you what happened when he was fourteen. 

your heart hurt and bled for him, hearing him tell how he fell into the abyss and was rescued and trained by a swordswoman named skirk, while his hands played with your hair while the moonlight hit the both of you — he didn’t tell you much about what happened in the three months he spent there, but you could imagine how tourtours it was for a fourteen-year-old child. it was the same age when your brother rose to be a captain in the knights of favonius, and you remembered how much he changed after that. it wasn’t the best comparison, but it was what you could relate to. he also told you how his father wanted him to join the fatui, as a way to tame his actions, but ajax wanted to conquer the world by himself, without the help of any organization. 

but the fatui recruited him, nonetheless, making him work at their bank as some kind of mercenary, always ready to attack those with unpaid debts. he didn’t mind, he told you, as he loved the thrill of battles and that was an excuse to train to become stronger and stronger and achieved his dream of conquering the world and be an adventurer — but you could feel that something was wrong, but you couldn’t pinpoint what, and didn’t want to bring more sad memories of his to surface. ajax was glad you weren’t looking at his eyes, because he knew you would be able to see the guilty reflection of them, see the outline of the lies leaving his lips. but he needed you at his side, even though for a short amount of time. he was ready for the day when his lies would be discovered, his heart already healed of the heartbreaking he would go through when you started hating him. 

it was what he deserved. 

that night, too, he heard about how you gained your vision. 

it hurt to see how open and sincere you were with him while he built lies above little truths, but his heart felt even more heavy knowing how much his peers affected your life. you told him how you left your home, worried about the lateness of your father and brother, only to find your father nowhere to be seen, while both of your brothers were fighting, ice against fire and your heart shattering for your family. you tried to scream and stop the fight, but nothing seemed to work — only when the wind in all mondstadt stopped and it seemed to be commanded by you. you only wanted to make them stop, but your wind was also what broke them apart and took kaeya away from home, and what took diluc on his mission to uncover his and yours father’s death. 

it was a delusion what killed him, you told ajax, even though he knew everything about crepus ragnvindr’s death — he didn’t mean to pry in dottore’s papers, but what he could do when he saw your father’s name there? he still couldn’t understand why killing him was important, but his heart broke when he read number two’s reports. your name was there, signaling your relationship with the target and your new vision and, when your brother’s name became a discussed matter between his harbingers colleagues, he tried to stay away from it as much as he could. 

you finished your story with your arms tightening around him, afraid that he could disappear just like your father once did — and he brought your face closer to his, kissing the tears away and whispering sweet words of comfort. it was all that he could do, already knowing that someday you would need such a comfort again but because of his actions. but he didn’t want you between another man’s arms. you were his and would always be, even if it was just an illusion, even if it was just the ghost of a memory like you always had been. 

what would he do when you finally discovered the truth? 

— 

you almost did, once, and he was sure you knew by the second time. 

the first time was when you and zhongli met. 

childe wasn’t happy to take you to meet another man. not that he didn’t believe in your love for him, but he knew how beautiful and charming you were — and zhongli was handsome and charming too, and maybe he was insecure and afraid that, for some perverse reasons, you would see that the older man was a better match for you. he was so lost in his own thoughts and scenarios, that he never thought about warning zhongli to not say a word about his involvement with the fatui. however, they still need to meet, and ajax couldn’t leave you alone at his house. 

he didn’t know when you were going to leave him, and he needed to make his time with you as best as possible. 

but he couldn’t help and feel a sense of pride when strolling with you through liyue harbor’s streets, all the eyes, from the elderly to the youth, eyeing you two. of course, you made a beautiful couple — both you and ajax were young and strong, and in love. everyone could see the feeling intertwined with every single one of your actions. from the side eyes, to the touches and to the words, love surrounded you and childe like a shield. 

however, he wasn’t sure if he liked the look on zhongli’s face. 

he couldn’t decipher it and, while you introduced yourself to his acquaintance, he tried to not dwell much on it. “y/n ragnvindr, it’s a pleasure to meet you, mr. zhongli. childe speaks highly of you.” sometimes zhongli appeared in the anecdotes he told while your head was resting on his chest and his hands playing with your hair, just like the night you both shared your biggest secrets. he tried not to get into details that could speed up the inevitable end of your relationship, but the giggles and curious sounds that escaped your lips whenever he told you about his day always made him tell more than he was intended to. 

“ragnvindr?” the curious tone on zhongli’s voice made your eyebrows raise and your head to tilt slightly to the side, which made childe’s chest to rumble with a chuckle. “you are, perhaps, the heiress of the dawn winery?” 

you giggled, and ajax needed to fight the ugly green monster of jealousy. though, your giggles for him were more sweet and genuine, sounds that could rival columbina’s singing. “i’m, indeed! my older brother, diluc, is the current head of your family and i’m his heir.” you answered, exciting shining in your eyes. even though he was jealous, childe loved seeing you like that, too — talking and interacting with others. “have you ever drank dandelion wine, mr. zhongli?” it was a question you always asked when meeting new people, ajax came to learn. it was cute and endearing, how you cared that much for your family’s legacy. 

he, on the other hand, couldn’t ask people if they ever had fished on ice. 

“of course. i have some acquaintances back in mondstadt, lady ragnvindr.” 

the chat progressed to your hometown, a place where young ajax always dreamed to conquer first, just to see you again. though, as much as zhongli was entertaining you, business were always business, and his attention slowly changed to childe — he tried to explain as much a he could the transactions without giving this true identity away, but zhongli almost spilled about his position as the eleventh harbinger. 

“i hope your harbingers colleagues will find this business as formidable as i did, childe.”

he bid farewell to you two, and childe noticed that you were a bit more distant in the way back home, his eyes widening for a fraction of seconds when realization hit him of how you interpreted zhongli’s words. 

“y/n, my beloved.” he made you both stop under the moonlight, placing your hand over his heart. “why aren’t you smiling at me? are you having doubts about my words because of what zhongli said?” you should. you really should have, because ajax was nothing but a liar. he watched as you averted your eyes to his chest, your cheeks rosy and lips forming a pout. 

“no… i just… i would never forgive you if you lied to me, ajax.” 

too bad, wasn’t it? your words resonated inside him while he kissed you and held you against his chest, soothing and reassuring words leaving his lips as if his heart wasn’t being eaten inside out by guilt. 

— 

the second time was even more dangerous. 

it was on a warm night, when lumine and paimon were already back from their journey to search for the adepti to prove their innocence, now helping zhongli to the rite of parting. you tried to be of help, too, but both lumine and zhongli said they were fine without help, so your hopes of having a daily adventure were crushed by gentle hands. you resorted to your normal life in liyue, helping citizens and exploring nearby areas — sometimes, now, with paimon and the traveler as your companions — and then waited for ajax at home, wondering what he had planned for you two. 

however, he was late. later than he ever was, the stars already in the sky and your heart hurting from worrying about him. 

whenever he knew he was going to be late, he always sent a messenger to meet you, normally one of the kids playing near the sea, to inform you of what was happening in his job and what were his plans. but no child approached you during the day, and you now found yourself at the familiarity of his house, a place that you grew to be comfortable with, that now had the same sense of home the hard walls of dawn winery had. you were restless, of course, and when the moon started to shine on the bed you shared with your lover, you knew you had to do something. 

your feet led you to the northland bank, yet your heart beat with both fear and excitement with the thought of entering a fatui lair. 

it was a place you knew that you were never supposed to go in, but you remembered it. your father always climbed up the red stairs that led to the bank, even though, at the time, neither you nor your brothers knew what it was. your father only told you three he had business with the men inside the place, and never in your wildest dreams you would think it was a fatui bank — and you couldn’t understand why your father needed them. the winery and the tavern were enough to make your family rich, as you knew from helping diluc with some paperwork.

maybe it was power he wanted. you couldn’t blame your father for it, as a man without a vision in teyvat needed other ways to assert dominance over his peers, and maybe the fatui were the ones who could give him what he wanted. but the same power he wanted was the power that took his life, according to diluc’s and kaeya’s testimony. a device that pretended to be a vision was what your father used to kill a deadly monster to save your brother, even though diluc was one of the most skillful swordsmen you ever knew. 

fathers would always be fathers, it seemed. 

just like snezhnaya, the northland bank was cold, and you could feel it from the outside, even though liyue was hotter than mondstadt, a fact that you enjoyed pretty much. however, the goosebumps weren’t because of the chilly air — you were nervous. it was dead in the night and nobody was in the street, probably inside their homes enjoying a warm meal with their family. the fatui guard eyed you from head to toe and, even though your heart was imitating a drum’s beat from how quickly it beat, all the etiquette’s lessons you had in your childhood were playing their part. you knew how to hold your head high, high enough that no question was asked before the guard opened the door, just a nod that made your earring tingle in your ear. 

maybe he recognized it. only one person in teyvat had the other pair. 

you stood in the middle of the room, eyes scanning the architecture of it. you weren’t well versed in snezhnayan culture — maybe for the lack of it in the books of your home, due to the closeness of the region, or because your father was too afraid his children to know his obscure business — but the inside of the northland bank was mesmerizing. though you couldn’t appreciate much of it before someone was clearing their throat in front of you, a smile too sweet adorned a woman’s face. she wore a fatui uniform, her eyes hidden due to her mask, and you assumed her to be the bank’s receptionist. 

“may i help you, ma’am?” you smiled back, all the years of etiquette lessons making you polite even to your enemies. 

“yes, of course.” you answered in a neutral voice, your eyes fixed on her form — too fixed on her to notice another figure approaching you two. “i’m looking for childe. we live together, you see, and he hasn’t returned yet.” you didn’t try to say the word worried, but you were sure the receptionist understood your motives. the smile on her face became even sweeter, which made your gut to shrink. 

“oh, master childe just returned from a mi—” 

“is this tartaglia’s little pet?” if you found the receptionist's sweet smile to be unpleasant, just that feminine voice brought despair to your bones. the woman before you seemed to freeze to, and you turned your head siglithy to the side, being met by a vision of a fatui woman — and, by the way she walked and talked, and judging by the receptionist reaction, she was probably a harbinger, or someone with a high rank. you tried to smile at her, maintaining the façade of lady ragnvindr for a little while.

“i wouldn’t say pet, ma’am.” you tried to reason, turning your body towards her. “lover should be more appropriate for what we are.” 

her eyes were as icy as her voice, and, if you were not mistaken, she had the same characteristics as the woman who attacked lumine and venti a while ago back in mondstadt — she was, indeed, a fatui. probably la signora, if you weren’t mistaken. however, you were there to retrieve childe to yours and his home, even though the name she called him brought more questions to your heart than it should have. 

“a pet from mondstadt, on top of that.” you had to slightly lift your neck to be able to meet her eyes due to her new proximity, noticing that the receptionist was nowhere to be seen now, hopefully going to notice childe of your arrival. the smirk on her face was a bit frightening, blood-curdling even, but she was just a woman — like yourself. she could be more powerful than you were, of course, but you still had some chances with your vision and sword training from your youth. “tell me, how is that bard faring?” at the mention of venti, you gritted your teeth, hand ready to summon your polearm, wind tickling in your fingers, the power that celestia granted you burning through your veins. you didn’t understand what were the motives of the fatui to attack him, but he was special and a target for them. “don’t even try it, foolish girl. i wonder what he’ll do if i kill you, hm?” 

before you could react, she had your jaw between her cold hands, pointy nails digging holes in the soft flesh of your cheeks, blade pressed to your neck and warm blood coming from a small scratch — only superficial, but a warning. however, as soon as she started to press her blade deep in your flesh, you heard his voice. 

“let her go, signora.” ajax was there, bloodied and injured, the receptionist trailing behind him. she gave you a worried look while your lover walked to where you were, his voice imposing and commanding, a tone you never heard coming from his mouth before. it made you wonder if he was only just a civilian working in the bank, but you were fearing more for your life now than for the questions in your heart — though you hoped signora couldn’t see the fear you were feeling reflecting in your eyes, but instead the stupid bravery every ragnvindr possessed in their hearts. 

she scoffed. “what are you going to do, childe?” even though she was complaining, she took the blade from your neck, her pure strength making you fall to the ground when she let you go from her hold — maybe it was the position you were always supposed to be in. you weren’t diluc and would never be. what was in your head to think you were able to go against a fatui harbinger? 

you put a hand over your chest, feeling it rising and falling with your breaths, tears glossing your vision — you needed to calm yourself, because you were alive. ajax would never let anything happen to you, you knew that, of course you did. but what if he hadn’t arrived in time? you would die without the proper goodbyes to your family, without seeing him once more, just like your father. 

too focused in trying to calm your erratic heart, you failed to notice the interaction between the two fatui in front of you.

signora had a hand on tartaglia’s shoulder, her lips a few inches away from his ear, as if she was telling a secret to your lover. but anybody in the room could hear her words. “end the ragnvindr pet, tartaglia. do with her what dottore did with her father, and what pierro should’ve ordered one of us to do with her brother.” 

ajax didn’t even wait for her to end her words before he was rushing towards your form, his strong arms and warmth enveloping you, his hand bringing your head to rest on his chest. you were alive, alive and well, and he couldn’t ask for anything more. when he saw rosalyne with her blade on your neck he feared the worst, and he was ready to kill her if she did anything to you. “i’m going to kill her, i’m going to kill her for you, don’t worry. she’ll never touch you again.” he whispered in your hair, his lips pressing kisses and murmuring words of comfort until you stopped shaking between his arms. 

you took one of his hands to rest on your chest and he felt tears glossing his vision when he felt your heartbeat between his fingertips, your forehead now resting against his and your warm breath tickling his cheeks. “i’m alright, ajax. i’m alright.” 

you both knew it was a lie. 

—

you didn’t remember how you arrived at home. 

you were doing everything on automatic, allowing him to guide through the harbor’s streets, his big coat over your shoulders to hide your injury, the now cold air of the lowest hours of the night still making your nose and cheeks cold. you couldn’t think of anything else but what happened, of how foolish you were — maybe diluc was right. maybe you weren’t supposed to ever leave dawn winery, the world outside of it too dangerous for you to survive alone. but you weren’t alone and, for the second time, ajax was the one who saved you. 

when your consciousness returned to you, you were sitting at your and his bed, ajax towering over you with a wet cloth cleaning your neck. signora hadn’t injured you that badly, just a superficial cut on your skin, the bleeding had already stopped, but it had stained your skin and ajax couldn’t support seeing you like that. you were hurt because of him, because he didn’t remember to fetch some of the kids to send you a small note, or even go himself to where you were to tell you he was going to arrive late. his own injuries were now numb, and he couldn’t care about his wellbeing. 

as soon as he was finished, he sat at your side, his hand enveloping your own, his thumb feeling your pulse — an indication that you were alive. “i’m sorry.” you blurted out, voice small as if you were a little child again, asking forgiveness for your father after you had cut diluc’s hair with a pair of scissors after he had screamed at you. 

“you’re alive, my beloved, and that’s what matters to me.” he kissed your knuckles, the words tickling your skin as if they were small needles made especially to hurt you. you knew, now, that ajax was part of the fatui and a harbinger, too. but it was an elephant in the room that you didn’t want to talk about, that loomed over the two of you, doomed to end the beautiful relationship you two had.

but not now. 

you started to unbutton his shirt, frowning at the winces leaving his lips due to the pain of his own cuts and hematomas. how could you have been so blind? all the scars he wore like a champion, all the training he did, all the prestige he had at the bank — it was obvious that your ajax wasn’t just a civilian who hunted down debtors, and you should’ve known that. but love was blind, and you were sure the love archon especially blinded your eyes to all the signs of his lies and the non liveliness of his blue orbs. 

after all, he was one of her most loyal subjects. 

you took the damp cloth from where he left it and started to clean his skin, fingers tracing amorously the white lines over his pale skin, feeling the skin tighten with the soft ministrations of your fingertips, kissing the freckles of his shoulders. his back was now facing you, his chest already cleaned of any dry blood, but a new scar adorned his back — big and now as the same color of the wine produced in your family’s winery, another scar to his collection. “i’m going to kill whoever did this to you.” you murmured against the skin of his neck, your hands around his shoulders and face hide on the crook of his neck. his whole body vibrated with a chuckle, a sound that was both mocking you and encouraging you. 

how could you kill something that managed to hurt a harbinger when you couldn’t even defeat one? 

and you didn’t even know who you would kill. the one who gave him the new scar or the one who made his eyes so lifeless, so different from the ones you remembered from your childhood? 

you kissed his neck before getting up to get bandages to his injuries, watching his face. would that be the last time you ever saw him, now that you knew the truth? not everything he was hiding from you, but the most crucial parts. would tartaglia let you live now, or would you meet your end in the hands of the one you loved the most? you were sure you were now an enemy of the fatui, just like your brother was — however, would any connection your father once had with them be able to save you of whatever insult you committed against signora? 

the questions in your mind made your hand work slower, but ajax couldn’t care. he knew the time with you was now limited, and he would make sure that you left liyue as soon as you could — he couldn’t bear the idea of you dying by his sword, or any sword, and, if saving you meant becoming an enemy of one of his colleagues, he would gladly accepted what fate had estoraged for him. you finished tending to his wounds and he sighed, his strong arms bring you closer to his chest. you nuzzled at his bare skin like a kitten, and he tightened his hold around you, afraid that you could disappear in the air just with the first sound of his voice. 

but he needed to try. 

“i love you.” he felt like the same ajax he was before he fell into the abyss, the same ajax his father was afraid was too weak for the world outside the family’s cottage. his voice was small and quiet, so unlike him but, at the same time, so endearing too. he waited for your protests, harsh words and screams — but all he received was kisses and tender words, and he couldn’t believe how unfair he was to you. he should’ve told you the truth as soon as you told him about your father, but the fear of losing you clouded his better judgment and mind. now, he would lose the best part of himself by his own fault.

“i love you, too.” you whispered against his lips, your hands holding his face while his were placed on your waist, both of your bodies so close to each other as if you were just one. 

that night, you never felt ajax so desperate. 

he had always been feverish for your touch and your body, ever since you gave yourself fully to him. he always enjoyed having his face buried between your thighs or between your breasts, especially when he seemed to have a hard day at work — before, you thought he had to collect the debts from either dangerous or vulnerable people, but know you knew it was the work of a harbinger the culprit of his feelings. or was the guilt consuming him? you didn’t care then and you couldn’t even care now, not when he drew moan after moan from you, when he made you feel so full of his seed that you never wanted to be separated from him ever again. 

that night, too, he held you tighter than usual, afraid that you would leave him in the middle of the night. his kiss, something you were so used to before bed, now was suffocating, as if you were under a column of hydro vision, just like his own. 

even though you wanted nothing more than to return to your home in the winery, the air inside his house was too suffocating because it smelled like him, you couldn’t. your love for him was what kept you caged between his arms, like the deadliest curse the tsaritsa herself picked especially for you. 

— 

ajax drowned himself in his work, and you couldn’t blame him. 

he was too kind to ask you to go away, you thought. or he loved you too much, or he enjoyed the way you still spoiled him. he always had a package of lunch waiting for him when he left before the sun rose, and he had a plate of dinner waiting for him whenever he arrived when the moon was high in the sky. sometimes, you would wake up to ajax fingers caressing your skin, his arms loose around your form. you would always scoot closer to him, trying to enjoy the warmth you were being denied by the circumstances of your situation on a daily basis. 

you wrote to diluc, once, telling him about your journeys and the fact that you would return home sooner than expected. you said nothing about what happened, because it was clear that your brother would know something happened as soon as he looked in your eyes when you returned. 

your only solace was your newfound friendship with zhongli, and lumine’s and paimon’s presence during the day.

they all knew something had happened you and childe, denounced by paimon’s question as soon as you appeared in front of them without the familiar glint of happiness your eyes had and the smile adorning your lips — but zhongli, being the gentleman you discovered him to be, changed the subject as soon as your eyes started to shine with tears. he knew, of course he knew. even the traveler and her flying companion knew about childe’s involvement with the fatui, and you wondered how blind you were. 

but zhongli always managed to take your mind out of it whenever you started to dwell in your thoughts, always asking about mondstadt — you came to know, in one of your strolls in the harbor with him, that he and a well-known bard in your brother’s tavern were acquaintances, and he managed to coax a laugh out of your lips in the expanse of venti, the sound now strange and bitter in your mouth. 

however, not even the bit of normalcy and happiness that zhongli gave you was enough to keep you glued to liyue, and you wished to leave it as soon as possible. lumine and paimon were aware of your decision and, even though they were sad to see you go and the thought of traveling the continent together was crushed, they still understood. 

“paimon will make him feel the wrath… the wrath of the paimon, y/n! don’t worry!” it was the last words you heard from her, lumine at her side with a sorrowful expression on her face — though her eyes were understanding. you were sure you would meet them again, or even send letters whenever you could. they were your friends, after all. 

but it seemed that fate wanted to play with you, as the day you chose to return home was the day an ancient god was unleashed over the harbor. 

you sighed, watching the once clear skies now a dark shade of gray, the faint sound of crashing waves now much closer than normal — childe’s house was closer to the bank, in the more lively part of the city — but that wouldn’t stop you. you needed to leave before ajax arrived and saw your leaving form, a letter being what would explain to him what was in your mind. you knew that, at the first pleading that could leave his mouth, your resolve would break and you would stay. 

and you couldn’t. 

you looked back once more, watching the door of the house that you called home for almost two months. it was strange, how quickly things could change, and how much something could affect you. the fact that ajax was a fatui, let alone a harbinger, wasn’t even a problem anymore — by the calculations you did in your head, he wasn’t in the organization when your father was killed by them, and, if he was, he didn’t have anything to do with it — but the lie was. you kind understood where he was coming from, but what else he was hiding from you? what else would he hide from you if you decided to forgive him? 

you needed some time to think, and that time won’t be fruitful if you were in his presence.  

a small smile formed in your lips and you turned around once more, eyes down and itching with tears glossing your vision. the pain in your chest was worse than any other heartbreak you ever experienced in your life — death was always sad, yes, especially unexpected ones, but it was easier to come to terms with such a situation than the one you were going through now. grieving a dead loved one was far easier than mourning one that was well and alive, with their heart beating and chest rising and failing with each breath they took.

ajax would always be a part of you, but now, perhaps, a part of you that would never be yours again. 

“y/n? where… where are you going?” 

you closed your eyes, fighting the urge to look back at him. if you did, you knew you would run straight to his arms. 

“home.” that was what you could muster to answer him. “i left a letter for you explaining my—”

“your home is here.” he cut you, a coldness in his voice that you were sure could rival the snowstorms of his homeland. “your home is here, with me.” it was, once. but now you weren’t so sure if it had been, or if it would be again. 

“my brothers need me.” you need them, too. you needed to feel the safety and the comfort the company of kaeya and diluc brought you, the warmth of diluc’s arms holding you safely between them and the easy laughter that kaeya always managed to coax from you since your father welcomed him in the family. you needed to be in a place where you knew who the people walking besides you were, and not to think everyone was an enemy. 

“and what about me, y/n?” 

nothing could ever prepare you for the hurt that laced his voice, though it felt more like a whip in your bare flesh, wounding it to the point of no return. you took a deep breath, turning your body to look at him — he deserved a proper goodbye. his eyes looked even more lifeless now, the small glint of shine it used to have on it whenever you were around was long gone now. “ajax…” you didn’t know what to say, only wanting to leave liyue harbor as soon as you could. 

but, taking another glance at his appearance, you couldn’t help but worry about him. it seemed that he was freshly out of a battle — though you didn’t have a good feeling about who he was fighting — and you suspect he wanted to arrive home and find your waiting arms to soothe him. “don’t go. don’t leave me, please.” he wasn’t one to beg, but he didn’t know what to do to keep you at his side anymore. childe took an hesitant step towards you, heart clenching when he watched you taking another one back. 

that wouldn’t end well. the remnants of the foul legacy were still running through his blood, making him angry at you for reacting that way. ajax was protecting you from your own foolishness — as soon as rosalyne knew you were not within his protection anymore, she’d lay her claws over you and take your life. and he couldn’t lose you, he couldn’t. why weren't you seeing that? why you wanted to leave him, like you did all these years ago, running straight to your father’s arms without looking back at him?

was he not enough for you? would he ever be enough for you? 

before he could think better, his dual blades were already being summoned, the scared look on your face only fueling his anger. it was an ugly feeling, boiling and burning inside his chest. however, on the outside, all you could see was your beloved ajax with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, his brows furrowed and his blades on his hands. 

you weren’t a fool. you had angered him, and even though fighting with him was a foolish decision — he was a harbinger of the tsaritsa, after all — you wouldn’t be able to escape such a fate. dropping your bags to the ground and deep a deep breath, you soon felt the weight of your polearm in your hand, the weapon that diluc gifted you after you received your vision and physical training was required. jean was the one who trained you all those years ago, and you couldn’t be more grateful for her now. 

“i love you.” you whispered before indulging in his desires, anemo and hydro vision shining on your bodies. 

“i love you, too.”

— 

the sound of polearm against sword wasn’t a strange thing for you, but anybody could see how less experienced than your opponent was. childe was used to dueling with his enemies more than you, a girl who was sheltered her whole life by both father and brother, who only received training because of a vision earned when she saw herself faced with more despair than she ever felt. his experience was shown in the way he moved gracefully, how his swords seemed to be at home between his fingers — unlike your polearm, that still felt strange whenever you wield it. 

you tried not to think too much, focusing on the teachings jean passed down to you. 

keep your head clear, just trust your body and everything will be fine. 

however, those words weren’t helping you. you couldn’t help and not feel the gut-wrenching feeling of sadness that had installed in your chest when you noticed he would never let you go alive, your thoughts clouding your best judgment. you couldn’t hurt him, the idea of being the one to give him another scar to his collection making you sick — though, it didn’t seem like ajax shared your thoughts. you already had a cut on your cheek that you knew it would scar, and more wounds all over your body that you were sure none of your brothers ever had received being knights. him, on the other hand, just had a bit of blood coming down from the side of his face, and you didn’t know if it was the consequences of his other battle or caused by you. 

you cried when you felt one of his swords cutting your flesh, anemo elemental energy throwing him away from you. “ajax, please, stop.” you tried to plead, hand traveling down to press on your thigh to try to apply pressure to your new wound.

but the adrenaline of the battle was still running on his blood, and his hand was in your neck in no time, pushing your body until it hit the nearest wall, your feet some centimeters away from the ground. 

you start to trash around in his touch, hands unsuccessfully trying to get yourself free from his hold. was he really going to choke you until death? you couldn’t understand what prompted him to hate you that much — was that all a plan to attack your brother, due to his status as an enemy of the fatui. did he really love you? or did the fatui explored his connection with you in the past to bring their vengeance to life? 

however, the sadness shining in his eyes told you otherwise. 

“please.” you tried to say with the last breath that you had, black points already appearing in your vision and his face blurred by the tears in your eyes. 

you could see the outline of a sad smile on his lips. “i’m sorry, my beloved.” you felt a pair of lips on your forehead, the hand that wasn’t on your neck caressing your now scarred cheek. “i will always love you.” you couldn’t see the tears dripping down his lifeless eyes, a feeling that ajax hadn’t felt in years. when it was the last time he cried? when he thought he was going to die when he fell down in the abyss? he couldn’t remember. 

now, however, seeing the life leaving your body was enough to make his frozen heart to melt and break. rosalyne’s words resonated in his head — it was better to die by his hands, a slow and painless death, than to hers. tartaglia knew she would let all of her rage fall upon you, and he couldn’t bear to see what was going to happen if you became her victim. 

“what is happening here, childe?” 

a deep voice startled him, his hand leaving your neck to welcome one his swords again. you body fell limp to the ground, though ajax still could see a faint rise and fall of your chest. you were still alive — your body wouldn’t be another one on his count. 

when he turned around to meet the owner of the familiar voice, ajax was met with zhongli’s startled face, his eyes widened, rage dancing on them like a foreign dancer presenting their talents, and brows furrowed. and it seemed like his senses came back to him, no trace of foul legacy inside him anymore, and he noticed what he had done. his tears were now falling freely from his eyes, his heart break and twisting and making breathing more difficult. 

he was sure the archons sent zhongli to meet you both. because now you could live. 

he took your body between his arms, trying to enjoy the last time he would hold you as close as that, walking towards the older man. “take her, please. i beg you, zhongli, take her and send her back to her mondstadt.” he pleaded, holding your body close to his chest. “i’ve committed the highest sin, and i can’t let the destiny that was bestowed upon her become a reality.” 

it seemed as if zhongli understood what he was saying, though not entirely if his slightly furrowed brows had something to say, his arms ready to welcome you. ajax, albeit reluctantly, passed your body to zhongli’s waiting arms, your blood now a dark spot on his shirt and jacket, staining his hands and fingers — he always had enjoyed the sight of blood adorning his skin, especially those from his enemies, but your blood was like a venom corroding his skin until it was only bones. the smell was nauseating, and he felt like throwing up. “please, go. you will understand when the time comes, zhongli.” he couldn’t bear to see the state that he, himself, had put you in. hadn’t he promised to protect you until the end of time? that was his protection? 

the other man only nodded, in a loss of words, walking away from childe, hurriedly, with your body between his arms. he knew childe could be quite bloodthirsty and feral, but never with you. his dead eyes even gained a spark whenever he was around you, and the smiles that adorned his face in your presence were the most real ones zhongli ever saw on the younger man's face. in all his almost four thousand years, morax had never witnessed a lover almost killing another — though he suspected childe’s work as a fatui had something to do with his sudden change in behavior. 

you only started to give signs of being awake a few meters away from the harbinger’s house, though you didn’t try to trash around or get away from his hold. you seemed defeated, as if you had already accepted death. “... where…?” your voice was hoarse, probably from the choking childe had put you on, the mark of his hands still visible on your skin. 

“it’s zhongli, my dear. i will take you to a safe place. you are safe now.” 

—

it took you some hours to regain consciousness again, your mind a mix between remembering what happened and dreaming that your lover was still with you, holding your body close to his and whispering loving words in your ear. 

however, when you finally broke free from the state you were in, the unfamiliar mattress under you and the coldness of the blankets over your body were a cruel reminder that your dreams were only that — feverish dreams of a time that you weren’t sure were true from ajax’s side. because your feelings for him were, the most truthful sentiments you ever felt in your entire life, and now they were providing you the most sorrowful emotions a human being could feel. your heart wasn’t broken, as it was crushed. crushed to the point that it was just dust now, and even if you wished you could mend it, you knew you wouldn’t be able to. 

“here, have some tea.” zhongli’s voice took you from your thoughts, and you only nodded, not knowing if he had said anything before it. “are you feeling better? i am not the best healer, as you can see. i am afraid some of your injuries might form a scar.” 

“it’s alright” you answered, not sure about what to say. you could feel the bandages all over your body, the pain all over it, but you tried to drink the tea, nonetheless. zhongli was being kind enough to take care of you, and you would never make little of his efforts. “a scar is the sign that i fought back.” you remembered your father once telling diluc that, on his first years of sword training — but it was a completely different circumstance, and you weren’t sure he would approve of his only daughter now having an imperfection on her face.

“i am sure it will not affect your beauty.” those words managed to bring a faint smile to your face, though not as bright and big as it used to be. zhongli missed the sight of your smiles, but he was happy he was able to bring the ghost of it to your face once more. he was well versed in the ways of having a broken heart, and a true smile would take some time to adorn your lips again. 

he watched as you drank the tea, taking the cup from your hands gently, while you adjusted yourself once more on his bed. he was already in contact with lumine, who was probably in contact with your brother, to find a way to bring you back to your hometown safely and quickly. zhongli was intrigued by childe’s last words — what sin had the younger man committed, and what fate was bestowed upon you? the archon couldn’t think about anything that could make the harbinger to try to kill you, but your fate seemed to be worse than death on childe’s eyes. 

he thought his last contract was with the tsaritsa, but it seemed that one of her followers managed to steal such a place in the god of contract’s existence. 

“zhongli?” 

your voice was small, as if it was the song of a caged bird. he turned his golden eyes to your form, impressed by how young you truly were — in many nights he was kept awake, eyes facing the same ceiling you were now, thinking about how much you remind him of her. of how your smile was the same as hers, how the wind in your hair made the same movement it used to do with hers. but you were young, and you didn’t have the same wisdom and knowledge as her, but you had enchanted him the same way. 

he wasn’t sure if reincarnations really existed, but, if it did, you and guizhong shared the same soul. 

“yes, my dear?” he tried not to touch your face like he used to do with her, but he got up from the chair he was in and sat on the end, his hands a few inches away from your resting body. 

“have you ever had your heart broken?” zhongli understood why you were asking that. you were away from your family, away from your friends in a foreign nation, and you needed guidance. and he was beyond happiness to be the one to help you — if he could, he’d share with himself the pain you were feeling so you could feel better. 

you watched as he nodded. “i did, once.” 

“and how did you heal from it?” it was a personal question and you knew it, but you didn’t know who to ask. diluc and kaeya never had a great love that ended in sour feelings as far as you knew, so they weren’t options. maybe lisa? you didn’t know much about her past as a student in sumeru, but you would be too ashamed to ask her something like that. 

zhongli stayed silent for a while, and you almost lost hope that he would answer you, before he started. “i do not think i ever healed from that. but time proved to be an efficient helper.” though the curiosity to know what happened with him numbed your pain a bit, you wouldn’t be able to ask. it must have been something really horrible if he still wasn’t able to get over it. “and my friends and family, too. the key is to not be alone at those times when you can’t think about anything else but them.” but her, he wanted to say, her that is so much like you that it pains my heart to see you suffering like that. “love can only be cured with love, y/n.”

you nodded, pinky finger intertwining with zhongli’s one, as a way to comfort him for the pain you made he remember. he chuckled, and it seemed like the sound reverberated through the whole earth, a sound that could make mountains turn to dust and flowers to grow. 

but home was calling you, and you couldn’t ignore the song of freedom calling you back, nor the wind almost dragging you back to a place you knew nobody could ever hurt you.

a big kiss to @ajaxstar