#i quit smoking two years ago but i have a pack of camel crushes for when im having a real bad time

[rise-of-the-zombicorns]

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[aquarianlights]

If I don't end up going to the hospital tonight, I'm going to have to go to the urgent care clinic as soon as it opens at 7am tomorrow. Idk if it will last through the night. . .but I'm keeping an eye on things. . .and if anything changes in any way or if they start burning even more. . .I'm going straight to the ER. I'd just really prefer to only have to pay 3 dollars versus anywhere from 5k to 50k added onto my already over 50k in medical debt. I'm trying so hard not to panic because if this is what I think it is, it is going to affect me for the rest of my life and change my whole life and world and future from here on out. Frankly, I'm not ready and I will NEVER be ready for the kind of monumental changes this could bring. I do not want to be right......but I don't know a lot about what I think it is...and I can't do any research online about it, because if I do I will start manifesting physical symptoms and feelings described by websites in correlation to this issue. That's how strong my mind is. If I believe I have something or if I am thinking that it's highly likely this thing could be it, I will read about it and symptoms that I didn't have before, ranging anywhere from as mild as a cough to as severe as hives, will manifest simply because my mind is convinced I have this thing and suddenly, I will have all the symptoms without actually having some of them. That's why I can never do research on things I'm suffering from or suspect I'm suffering from online. That's why I have to stay the fuck away from psychology and all that pseudo-science bullshit because I know what disorders I have and which I don't...and if I were to research the ones that I have, I will end up suddenly suffering from the symptoms that I don't have related to that disorder (minus BPD, because I'm such a textbook case of severe BPD that there isn't a single symptom that I don't have, even if they contradict each other. Yeah, it's complicated, but it's painfully true).

I'm ready to fucking off myself. I'm panicking. I'm ready to just die. . .if this is what I think it is, it will change my life so monumentally that I won't be able to go on.

But I'm utilizing what Grey's Anatomy has taught me..... And I'm giving myself until [x] time to panic. I am not allowing myself to panic or have a breakdown until I hear speculations from the doctor. And I'm not allowed to seriously consider suicide and weigh the pros and cons until I have gotten a verdict and my tests come back. Idk what kinda tests they're gonna do, but I'm positive they will do blood tests. So that could..take a bit. But I'm not going to consider or attempt and follow through with suicide until I hear the result of my tests. Because if they're positive for whatever I'm thinking... it will change my life in such monumental ways that I will have nothing left. Nothing to strive for. Nothing to work towards. My entire life will be taken from me. So there's just no point in living in complete agony and pain without any means of bettering myself or furthering my education and career advancements. I wouldn't even be able to go into any medical field. Maybe I should just drop out of med school right fucking now. . .

But, no, I'm not allowing myself to attempt and follow through with suicide until I hear the results of my tests (however many they do) and until they tell me the treatment plan. Well......not treatment. Coz there is no "treatment" for what I'm thinking of. However, there are tools for managing it. But it's a lifelong, uphill battle. And I can't do that. I just can't. My life and my body and everything about me is not important enough to me for me to be motivated enough to go through all of that and to be on my A-game for managing this every single waking hour. I can't. I just can't.

So. . . I'm not going home tomorrow like I planned. Which makes me want to die even more. But I do have to wait until the urgent care clinic opens tomorrow morning and not panic and overreact to paranoia and catastrophic thinking before then.

I guess I'm going to drug myself up on pain killers and coke until I can't feel anything anymore and lose track of my thoughts and time. . .and put on a documentary that will allow me to feed off of other people's misery and pain and, in turn, force myself to acknowledge and appreciate everything I have around me and all the opportunities I've been awarded in my life. Watching documentaries about really graphic, tragic stuff or about people who are locked up for a long time or life or whatever just makes me actively think about how good I have it and makes me appreciate everything I am able to do. And helps by allowing me to level up my happiness by feeding off of other people's misery. Idk why I get off, mentally, from strangers misery. And knowing I have more freedom, opportunities, and great non-material things in general than they will EVER have and could ever hope to have. Just makes me feel so much better for some reason.

So yeah. . .I’m gonna go drug myself up on pain killers that are stronger than I normally take and a bump more of coke than I normally do after snorting some small lines. I haven’t had coke in a long time, though, so I’m not gonna overdo it there. Pain killers? I’m back to popping 10-15 pain killers every 24 hours. Maybe more, I don’t really count anymore. I just take 2-3 more every time I feel like my high is fading. So I can overdo it with the pain killers as much as I want. I’m basically invincible when it comes to prescription drugs. Benzos, pain killers, muscle relaxers. . .I can honestly do as many of those as I want and not die. I can’t even tell you guys how many times I have done WAY over what “should” have killed me. Like, way over the lethal limit. I have such a high tolerance that I guess it makes me immune to that “limit”. I guess that limit is for people who aren’t addicts. Not that I’m an addict. It’s not a problem, anymore, like it used to be. I can quit anytime since I have gone through completely quitting successfully once before now. The reason I couldn’t quit whenever I wanted to before is because I had never done it successfully before, so I never knew all the steps it took to get there and what it was going to feel like during the process. Now that I know. . .I can literally just put the pills down whenever I feel like stopping or whenever I have to for whatever reason and I won’t even bother looking back. Just how I did with cigarettes years ago. Spent majority of my teenage years smoking a pack of camel crush every other day (a full pack split between two days basically) and then my young adult years. . .the same thing, as well as socially on top of that. And then I found out about beagle testing and I literally threw out my whole pack and never looked back. Never felt any withdrawals. Never felt any cravings. In fact, cigarettes. . .nicotine/tobacco. . .it fucking disgusted me from then on out because all I could see when I saw cigarettes or someone smoking was a superimposed image of someone “testing” cigarettes on beagles until they died, discarding their carcasses, and then moving on to the next one. I’m sure something like that will happen with drugs and I will actually WANT to get clean for good or just use recreationally weekly or monthly instead of recreationally daily. I’m not using them for anything other than recreation, so that’s another reason why it’s not a problem this time and why I can easily get off of them whenever the hell I want/need. I just certainly do not want to. And yeah, in this very instance right now, I’m using them as a coping mechanism. But it’s no different than someone having a panic attack and taking a k-pin. Or someone having an asthma attack and using their inhaler. Literally no different. There is something that is threatening my physical and mental health right now to the point of forcing me to kill myself/die in general (in these analogies: the panic attack and the asthma attack). . .I need something to help me get through it/make it stop (in these analogies: a PRN anti-anxiety medication and a PRN inhaler). . .and I’m going to use it to do exactly that (finally: using strong pk’s and coke to help me not die or hurt myself). So. . .no, it’s not a problem and anyone thinking I’m going back to who I used to be just because I’m doing drugs again and doing more than just the ones I was prescribed (which is honestly all I did for the past 2 or so years coz I was trying very hard to stay away from harder drugs that I had done in my youth). I’m not going to be that boy again. I promise.

And I’m not depressed. I’m not depressed in any way. Being suicidal does not always equal depression. Just like being depressed does not always equal being suicidal. You can be suicidal without being depressed. You can be depressed without being suicidal. (Just like you can experience panic attacks without having any kind of anxiety, aka Panic Disorder, which is what I have.) I don’t experience depression anymore. I’m not depressed in the slightest. Even when I’m suicidal. . .wanting to kill myself. . .and come to conclusion that I am most likely going to attempt. . I’m still not depressed. If I come to the conclusion that I AM going to attempt and I AM going to follow through. . .I may be depressed then, but it certainly does not influence my decision to commit suicide. That decision will be based purely on logic and the results of my test and consensus of the doctors. So don’t go thinking I’m turning into the boy I used to be. I am not Nickita. Or anyone that came before me. I am not them. I am Killian. And I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety or addiction of any sort.

I’m still gonna be the jovial, sarcastic, nihilist jokester that I always have been and always will be right up to the very end. I can promise you that.

[hiowl-blog]

There but also for the Grace of God go I ... Quit Smoking Cigarettes

God Provided for Me What I Might Refrain For Myself I do not remember exactly just what day I started cigarette smoking, however I do keep in mind the day that I give up smoking as if it were the other day. At about ten years of age, started giving the cold shoulder like grown up ups with a pair good friends by acting as though we smoked by rolling up dried yard grass from backyards and the Merrill Park in the Jeffery Estate at Chicago, Illinois. We likewise tried smoking dried tree leaves rolled up inside note pad paper, keying paper, old Chicago Transportation Authority transfer price paper, torn web pages from a phone book or whatever was available. Trying to imitate my father, cousins, other grownups, flicks celebrities, soldiers, cowboys, artists, ruffians, crooks, good guys and other heroes that smoked cigarettes. I guess it was cool and glamorous when they inhaled/exhaled smoke in their lungs. It made them look smarter and in control. I did unknown how you can smoke whatsoever. I simply puffed and coughed from the burning feeling that I felt in my chest and lungs. It was awfully excruciating! Someday a friend swiped an open pack from his mommy and we attempted to smoke a genuine cigarette. I believe it was either Benson & Hedges or Virginia Slims cigarettes. By the way, we found out that a cigarette is likewise called a "square". We almost obtained broken since my good friend's mother found out her cigarettes were missing and it looked like difficulty was coming quickly. Somehow I dodged that bullet. If you ask me today, after that I desire I had been busted so I might be penalized. And at that time we used to get beatings for disobedience and doing incorrect. Today it is called child abuse. I believe that is just what's wrong with this world today. Save the rod; ruin the child. I needed an oppress just on General Practitioner alone. Time passed and I learned to smoke the genuine McCoy, cigarettes fresh out the pack or crush-proof box! Newport brand name cigarettes, an eye-catching green square designed pack or box with the upside Nike swoosh on the front tag and the doctor general's warning on the side, to be precise. Twenty, filtered menthol cigarettes, jam packed with pure nicotine, tar, embalming fluid and couple hundred even more tasty low-dosed poisonous deadly poisons. I discovered how to hold the cigarette like a genuine guy should. I held the square in between my forefinger and center finger with a minor curve on the pull, like a trendy method of holding a swimming pool stick at a speak-easy pool hall, tavern, bar or a club. I was cool at 12 years of ages. Stunting my growth and development already. It took me a pair days to find out precisely how to breathe in smoke without choking. And certainly, I did choke. I got light-headed and woozy at first of my 24-year life sentence as a smoker of cigarettes. That light-headedness made me really feel relaxed after appreciating a revitalizing cigarette. Oh, I did not differentiate initially. I smoked various brand names without prejudice. For instance, Kools, Marlboroughs, Salems, Players, Camels, and Viceroys (the brand that helped to give my papa emphysema and cancer), oh well, whatever, don't bother. Place it in this manner, if you had a cigarette, I would probably smoke it without hesitation. I was amazing, calm and collected, an in control smoker. I mean I was bad, the best of the very best, top feline, cool, could you dig it man. (So I assumed). Constantly coughing up cold. Spewing hockers ranging from beige to yellow, to tawny, to brownish and green, orange and red and the occasional black hocker. In some cases getting a solid chuck that appears like a broken sunflower seed that has an odor worse than Rex the pet's breath on a hot and humid day in Maywood, Illinois in the month of July. Cigarettes were cheap to redeem in the day. I imply the very early 1980's when I began cigarette smoking. They were basically concerning 75cents a pack. I heard in the military, they had to do with $7 for a container of 20 packs of squares at that time, in the very early 80's. It just really did not set you back that much to eliminate on your own at that time. Now the price of living is high and the cost of dying is higher. My oldest bro and I made use of to hang out at a close friends house. There we were enabled to smoke, drink and hear loud songs in his basement. At home, we concealed our bad smoking behavior by sticking our heads out of the shower room window while cigarette smoking. We utilized air fresher and aerosol hairspray to kill the smell of cigarette smoke. Who were we fooling? One snowy evening, in the winter of 1982-83, my bro and walked down the opportunity where we lived, to smoke cigarettes. My mother, for some reason, unlock, overlooked the street, just as my bro was taking a couple of passionate drags, on a fresh lit Newport 100 cigarette. She came out your home and saw him smoking cigarettes. I practically got busted that day due to the fact that I was nearly to pull my cigarettes out my pocket. Well, just say that at some point I admitted to my habit of smoking cigarettes around that time additionally. My mommy told us not to smoke around her or in her house, period. She was extremely dissatisfied in us yet she knew that it was primarily absolutely nothing she can do since we allowed young boys and officially addicted to breathing in pure nicotine, tar and regarding 400 other reduced dose toxins. Lack of breath, poor colds and flu signs, yellow-colored (casket) finger nails, eyes looking lowly and poorly lit up were indicators of the unhealthy element of cigarette smoking cigarettes. I apparently enjoyed cigarettes and it was a marital relationship of benefit that maintained us together as one. Enough stated for the magnificence of cigarette smoking cigarettes. I make use of to always brush my teeth, utilize mouthwash, eat periodontal, and utilize a breath mint or spray or something prior to I kissed her, if I smoked. Back to Eco-friendly Bay, the people I was going to discovered out that I was a young boy smoking cigarettes, after attempting to hide it and cover it up from them. I had a fresh addiction to pure nicotine flowing with my veins and I craved for a cigarette after that delicious meal. As time passed, year progressed. The very same thing, I smoked after consuming food, drinking alcohols, drinking coffee, drinking sodas and particularly drinking extremely caffeinated colas. I smoke when I felt happy, unfortunate, upset, or just to be smoking a cigarette to have something to do like individuals who play baseball, a hobby. Even when a person ticked me off, when troubles and difficulty came up, prior to and after relieving myself, I needed to smoke one more cigarette. That is the plain truth. And it's somethen rong with that said pickture! I keep in mind attempting to quit on and off without success whatsoever. I would give up a day or two, a week or so and "bam!" I was back at it once again, "Smokin'!" It was off to the races once again, baby. Addicted to nicotine. You see, as the years took place, I ended up being adverse canines, cats, dust, plant pollen and grasses. I later created respiratory disease. I question did smoking have something to do with my developing these health problems. Hmm. I question ... Well, anyway, I remain in my mid-30's. I am now a little older and I think a tad bit wiser. I no longer need to look great, give the cold shoulder and think that I'm great, in order to be amazing. In some cases in order to be awesome, you have to be unpleasant. You will certainly shock your buddies and perplex your opponents. I felt like Pavlov's canine when it came to smoking cigarettes. I also began to keep in mind when my mom usage to state that "I do not intend to use anything that has that much power over me." Yes, zigaretten bestellen was right and basically said" I am powerless over cigarettes." Till I understood the reality in that statement, I would probably have actually smoked for the rest of my all-natural life. It is not so much as the physical dependence of pure nicotine or cigarettes however the mental reliance triggered by my thinking and the pressure of habitual reasoning and acting on the thought of literally craving nicotine. And the very best means I can obtain my nicotine solution was to discharge up a cigarette and breathe in the smoke. If I do not pick up the cigarette, after that I will certainly not smoke. A few months ago, one night I had actually awakened really early, like 3am. Immediately, I got the thought to list all the pros and cons of smoking cigarettes. Besides looking cool, which is a lie, I might not discover one good need to smoke cigarettes. I have some pretty good reasons I should not smoke, though. I generated over 35 reasons. Below are some reasons that I need to stop smoking cigarettes from the top of the list. 1. Quiting smoking now lowers your possibilities of obtaining throat cancer, lung cancer cells, emphysema, bronchial asthma, allergies, bronchitis, colon or stomach cancer cells and various other serious illness. 2. Expecting women decrease the possibilities of having losing the unborn baby, or a child born with birth defects. 3. Cough much less and have less colds and flu symptoms. 4. Breathe better, more openly and quickly. 5. Expectation on life will improve. 6. Run, walk and climb stairs with much less initiative. 7. Smile wider with brighter eyes. 8. Psychological eagerness and performance boosts substantially. 9. Hair, skin, teeth and finger nails smell and look far better. 10. You will certainly save a great deal of money. Just read the side of a pack of cigarettes. Yes, he smoked cigarettes, experienced the repercussions and died too soon. One day, while I was speaking with a great buddy concerning his just recently stopping smoking cigarettes.