#i quit less than two weeks ago and already I'm losing track of everything

[ase-trollplays]

Bite the Bullet

==> Corali: Talk to your son already

>> You're an idiot. You're a goddamned idiot. She's going to be pissed that you waited this long to tell her everything. You can already hear her yelling at you about how you told her everything was fine when it wasn't.

>> Well, things actually are fine now, more or less. They weren't the last time you two spoke, though. Uuugh, this is going to hurt, but it's getting ridiculous that this much time has passed and Darius is still in the dark. You need to come clean.

-- resilientRust [RR] began trolling grizzlyFictions [GF] -- RR: Hey Dar Bear. What's good with you? GF: hey c<>! 8D GF: im g<><>d! h<>w ab<>ut y<>u? GF: are y<>u still living with mimi and dantli? RR: Nah, I'm back on my own. GF: s<> y<>u're finally c<>ming back t<> y<>ur hive? RR: Sorry kiddo, but I can't ever go back there. GF: why n<>t? RR: I ain't been entirely honest with you. GF: what did y<>u d<> GF: y<>u started drinking again didn't y<>u

>> You can already feel your chest tighten with anxiety. She's pissed. You're also a little offended that she immediately accused you of abandoning your sobriety. Granted, she isn't wrong about that, but you're back on the wagon and have no desire to fall off again.

>> You want to back out, but you know you have to rip off the bandaid and (if nothing else) clear up that accusation.

RR: Just give me a second to start from the beginning. GF: Y<>U DID!! I CAN'T BELIEVE Y<>U!!! RR: Dammit, I said let me explain! RR: A lot of bad shit happened all at once, and I relapsed outta stress! RR: I ain't had a drink since, and I ain't planning on having another ever again. I know I fucked up. Believe me, I know, and I hate that it happened. RR: Just gimme a chance to tell you everything that happened. GF: <>kay i'm listening. RR: Thank you. RR: Everything started about nine perigees ago. RR: Well, I guess closer to half a sweep ago is when things really started. You probably saw the video of me laying that violet out flat at that cafe. RR: Back when I was newly sober.

>> You pause and wait for Darius to say something in response to that. She still wasn't talking to you at that time, and she's never brought it up, but you know she's seen it. There's no way she hasn't, not after that little stunt went viral for a couple of perigees.

>> She says nothing, which you're more than sure is a bad thing.

RR: Thiomi already chewed my ass out about that, and it cost me my job at the wriggler circuit to boot. I didn't quit like I told you. GF: i kn<>w

>> What.

RR: WHAT RR: SINCE WHEN GF: ab<>ut ten perigees ago. i wanted to surprise y<>u at <>ne <>f y<>ur matches, and they t<>ld me y<>u g<>t fired. RR: Y'all knew all this time that I was full a shit and didn't say anything?? GF: i wanted t<> give y<>u a chance t<> tell me y<>urself RR: God dammit. I really cocked that up, huh. RR: I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. We finally just started talking again, and I didn't want you to be ashamed of me. I was scared of losing you again. GF: it's fine RR: Thanks. I wish I could say things get better from here, but they don't. RR: About nine perigees ago, that violet I attacked's matesprit tracked me down and started leaving me threatening notes on my hive. RR: Now you know me, I don't take that shit serious. Anyone who can't threaten me to my face ain't worth my time. So every time I got a note I'd just throw it in the trash. RR: When she didn't get the reaction she wanted, she decided to do something drastic and had Thiomi kidnapped and held hostage for two weeks. GF: <>h my g<>d!! GF: she didn't hurt her did she!? RR: Yeah. She did. Cut her face and her arms real bad.

>> Your chest tightens further, and you clench your fists tight. You'll never forgive yourself for what happened to Thiomi and what could have happened to Varoll had she still been with her when she got abducted. Joclyn could have easily had her killed, and it would have been all your fault.

>> Because you were careless, Thiomi could have been murdered. That thought haunts your mind like a ghoul.

RR: She also bombed my other job and got me fired from there, too. Between losing my fighting job, Thiomi getting kidnapped, then losing my other job RR: I fucking cracked. I reached my limit and fucking cracked. I drank myself stupid for the whole two weeks she was missing. I just wanted all the bad shit to be over. RR: I wanted to run away from it all to somewhere comfortable and familiar and safe, and alcohol gave me that. RR: I probably would have stayed in that place if my friend Arri hadn't checked on me and took everything away. He caught me almost slipping once before, too. GF: s<> what happened when mimi came back? RR: She was pissed as hell at me, and I don't blame her at all. Because of me, she got kidnapped and held hostage, got fucking maimed and dumped in the middle of nowhere, and I didn't try to find her once because I was busy sulking and drinking my stress away. GF: i d<>n't blame her either. i d<>n't kn<>w if I c<>uld f<>rgive y<>u if that was me.

>> That message hits you like an arrow through the heart. Not that you don't consider Thiomi's forgiveness valuable, but if all this happened to your son, and he permanently cuts ties with you as a result, it would have killed you. Losing Thiomi would have devastated you, but losing Darius would absolutely kill you.

GF: h<>w is she d<>ing? RR: Bad. She's scared of being alone, and she feels like an ugly freak because she's all scarred up. RR: And I'm fucking useless. She has more faith in her therapist than me. I'm trying, but I ain't shit when it comes to the emotional part of being a moirail. GF: s<> that's everything y<>u weren't telling me?

>> You suck in a long breath through your teeth, then loud out a loud sigh. Oh, how you wish that was the end of it. Unfortunately...

RR: Sorry kiddo, but it still gets worse. GF: are y<>u seri<>us??? GF: h<>w c<>uld it be even w<>rse!? RR: I went looking for the woman who hurt Thiomi. I wanted to kidnap her and cut her up just like she did to Thiomi, then kill her. The bitch sent me a video of her slicing her up, and all I could think about was skinning her alive. RR: But she's a slippery bitch, and finding her was almost impossible. She covered herself up in the video so I had no clue what she looked like. All I had to go on was her voice. RR: Eventually, I found her completely by accident. I was about to head back to my hive when I heard her arguing with her matesprit. RR: Long story short, I chased her through the whole damn city on a rampage and almost killed her mate when he tried to stop me. She called for backup, and my robotic arm got destroyed, and I got laid out. RR: Thank god Dan and Thiomi found me before legislacerators did. Turns out her matesprit's a fleet officer. He didn't press charges when I punched him out the first time, but he wasn't gonna save my ass this time. GF: s<> y<>u had t<> g<> int<> hiding. RR: Yup. Technically, I'm still in hiding. I can't go back to my hive again, and neither can anyone else who knows me or they ain't safe. RR: Dan's off the radar enough that he was able to get some of my stuff by pretending he was looting the place. GF: s<> that's the real reas<>n y<>u changed y<>ur handle. RR: Yeah. Thiomi has a friend who was able to get me an empire-untrackable phone. GF: s<> where are y<>u at n<>w? RR: I'm living in a hivestem in a lowblood slum off the map. Ain't no fleet, cop, or empire trolls here. I got a new arm even better than the old on. I even got a job as a bouncer at a club. My little rampage impressed the boss, so she reached out. GF: s<> things are <>kay n<>w? RR: So far, so good. GF: why didn't y<>u tell me any <>f this bef<>re n<>w? RR: I was scared, Dar. RR: I was scared you'd be fed up with my shit and leave me for good. I was scared you'd get dragged into everything and get hurt. I thought I was keeping you safe by not telling you anything. RR: And I'm sorry. I'm so goddamn sorry it took me this long to tell you everything. RR: Can you find it in you to gimme another chance? No more secrets, I swear. GF: <>kay GF: but n<> m<>re secrets. if s<>mething happens i want y<>u t<> tell me n<> matter h<>w bad it is. pr<>mise? RR: On my life. GF: and n<> m<>re rampages RR: Hah! Don't you worry. I'm done with that shit.

>> You breathe a massive sigh of relief. You don't deserve her. You don't deserve Thiomi, either. They're way too patient for your dumb ass.

[llycaons]

i was sitting there like IT'S TUESDAY??

[moondustaeil]

𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌

[shaylybaby2032]

Let Me Be Your Lighthouse

Fandom: Supernatural

Rating: Explicit/18+

Pairing: Gabriel x OFC

A/N: Please do not copy my work to any platform without my permission, even if giving credit.

Warnings: Eventual smut, physical/mental abuse, angst, fluff, language

Summary: A Duke of Hell wants to use Gabriel for his own nefarious plans and makes a deal with the Empty Enitity to bring the Archangel back from the dead. But, when Gabriel escapes, the Duke must reach deep into his arsenal to try and track him down. Not long after Gabriel's great escape, Sam and Dean race to save a fellow hunter who has been captured by demons and, after rescuing her, convince the woman to let them help her get rid of the demons hot on her heels. While the two occurrences seem unrelated at first, they may have more in common than any of them realize.

"A wise man once told me, 'family don't end in blood.' But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family's there; for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts." -Dean Winchester

Chapter 1: Unexpected Return

The full moon hung low in the night sky over the large patch of deserted dirt in Fort Collins, Colorado that had once been an attempt at a cornfield. The former owner of the land hadn't expected this particular patch of land to be so deprived of the nutrients required to grow grass, much less the crop he had staked his financial well-being upon. He had become quite aware of the losing battle when the ground had all but spit out the yellow kernels as black and hollow husks. If he had been aware of the door that laid deep below the surface of the ground he had been trying to grow the plants in, he would probably have gone running for the hills, or the nearest church.

Unfortunately, there was no way he could have known that the very energy seeping into the ground making it volatile would find its way in to his own mind during the single year he spent trying to make the decision to dump all of his money into the plot a worthwhile choice. There was no way he could have known that exactly one year after he first set foot on to the place that he would be sitting in the local mental institution staring blankly at a wall mumbling about a void no human was ever meant to see.

When he died less than three weeks later, the bank had put a “For Sale” sign on the land. It stuck up from the ground until the elements faded the bright writing away, and it became one of those properties that fell through the cracks as it shuffled around in the system of more appealing purchases.

That was, until almost a decade later, when a man in an expensive five-piece suit walked into the bank asking to speak with the president of the establishment. The man was charming enough to disarm anyone he was speaking with in a way that, had anyone really been paying attention to the ease in which it happened, would have made them fear for their very souls. They hadn't noticed, however, and before long the engaging man with professionally short midnight hair and piercing, dark brown eyes had the female bank president completely enthralled.

It wasn't the sharp and attractive features of his face that drew her in. No, she was far too smart to be taken in by a pretty face and a fancy suit. Years of dealing with business men and women had sharpened her skill of rifling through bullshit and pipe dreams. It was his confidence that drew her in at first, and it slowly mixed in with an attribute she couldn't quite describe. After having checked the credentials he had given her, she discovered he had more than enough money to pay the offer he had presented to her for the property. It was an offer that was more than quadruple the listing price.

While she couldn't see the appeal of the dead piece of land that sat on the outskirts of her town hidden by brush and now overgrown woods, she had finally accepted his offer. When he smiled his approval, her stomach dropped to her feet. The gesture had sent a sense of unnerving through her that had her hair standing on end, and could only be described as wicked. He hadn't given her a chance to go back on her acceptance of his offer, and he grasped her hand in a handshake to seal the deal. She had fought with everything she had not to jerk away when she came in contact with his cold skin. The connection made an overwhelming sense of dread crash over her so hard that she could have sworn the light in the room hit his eyes in way that made them appear to be deep black orbs, threatening to drag her down.

As the suited man walked out onto the moonlit field, that same wicked smile was painted on his face. After all these years he had found the doorway, one that he was sure God had loathed having to make after his Archangel had fallen and created those first dark beings. His eyes flashed to black again as he pulled a glass jar of dark red liquid from a pocket inside his suit jacket. He walked in a circle as he poured the thick substance onto the ground in the shape of sigils that predated even the earliest Sumerian cuneiform. All the while he chanted a language long since dead enough to not be in any written form. When he had completed the circle, the ground beneath him began to rumble and he stepped outside of the markings just as they began to glow with an eerie black hue.

Thunder rolled above his head and lightning lit up the sky as the dirt within the circle began to shift and swirl. A thick tar like substance started to bubble up from the dirt, jerking and spasming as it was drawn to the center like metal to a magnet. The substance pooled and started to build on itself, slowly forming a humanoid shape. With another crash of thunder, the vile liquid crashed back into the ground to reveal an exact copy of the suited man standing in the center of the circle with pure loathing etched into his features.

“Eligos,” the copy growled, addressing the man that summoned it. “To what do I owe the annoyance of being called on by a mighty Duke of Hell.” it's voice held a disgusted tone as it mocked the being in front of it. “Had I been sleeping when you called I would have dragged you down to my domain on sheer principle, so I advise you to tread lightly.”

Eligos bowed respectfully as he spoke. “Oh great being of the Empty, please, pardon my intrusion, but, I am in need of your assistance.”

“MY ASSISTANCE?!” the Empty Entity barked. “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD WASTE MY TIME WITH THE LIKES OF YOU?!”

“Because I will make it worth your while,” Eligos said cooly, not even phased by the primal shout that had come from the being in front of him as he straightened his posture. “I have discovered that you know a good deal when one presents itself.”

The Empty Entity regarded the Duke with interest, though it's ire was still prominent. “What is it that you want, Eligos. My patience is already thin. Don't make it worse.”

“The Archangel, Gabriel.”

The Empty threw it's head back in a spurt of laughter so sinister that the wildlife around the area, had there been any dumb enough to wander close, would have scurried away in haste. “Why would I even entertain the idea of freeing an Archangel?”

“Because I offer two of my sixty legions of demonic soldiers for him.”

The Empty scoffed at his bargain. “Twelve thousand demon souls for an ARCHANGEL?! Even one as broken as Gabriel is worth far more than that.”

“Then name your price,” Eligos insisted, his calm exterior never faltering.

“What use could you have for an Archangel with low grace and a hefty dose of PTSD? Your superior really did quite the number on him. But, you know that. Asmodeus confided in you and you alone about his pet, among other things.”

For the first time Eligos’ still presentation faltered as his eyebrow arched in questioning.

“I receive the memories of each being that comes to my domain,” the Empty explained before he could ask. “Asmodeus was sick, even by my standards. I will only ask one more time why you want one of his broken toys.”

“Gabriel's low grace makes him vulnerable and open to... persuasion.”

“I see. You understand how devastatingly wrong darkening an angel can go, correct?”

“I have the means to control him once he's mine.”

The Empty crossed it's arms over it's chest as the being contemplated the request made by the Duke. “I want half.”

“HALF?!” Eligos spat, his tranquil demeanor completely falling. “You want HALF of my army?!”

“Yes,” The Empty confirmed. “A hundred and eighty thousand demon souls should fit the bill.”

Eligos snarled as he bit back on the expletive words on the tip of his tongue. He took a second to center himself again before he spoke. “Deal.”

“Not quite. You still need to...what's the saying? Ah, yes, sweeten the pot.”

“What else could you possibly want?!”

“Oh, you know exactly what I want.”

Realization crashed down on to the Duke and he glared at the entity before him. “You know I can't give you that.”

“I'm well aware of the rules, Eligos. I am, however, the one that had to agree to them all those eons ago with that pompous idiot that plagued the universe with his perverse creations. I am also very much conscious of your connection with what I want. If anyone can make it happen, it's you. Or...do you doubt your control over the abomination?”

“No!” Eligos spat. “She will do as I say. But, only after I have Gabriel how I want him.”

“Fair enough,” the Empty said as he closed the distance between them and extended his hand toward the demon Duke.

Eligos grasped his offered hand and shook. Thunder crashed as lightning streaked the sky, the sound causing the ground to shake. Swirling black smoke filled the air above their heads as the sound of desperate screaming ripped around the area. With another clap of thunder, the black cloud was sucked into the circle on the ground and disappeared beneath the dirt.

***

Gabriel sucked in a harsh breath as his eyes shot open. Pain seared through his skull as his blurry vision started to focus on... nothing. A complete black void surrounded him, yet somehow he laid on a sturdy surface. He jerked to a sitting position as he clutched at his chest, searching for the wound that he was sure had ended his life. He was shocked to find his body free of blood or the hole he knew he should have. He was certain he had died. Wasn't he?

“Yes, you are definitely dead,” a voice drawled from behind him.

A voice he knew well, and the sound of it took him completely off guard as he scrambled to his feet to whirl around. He then came face to face with... himself?

“What the hell?” Gabriel whispered.

“Not exactly,” he watched the other him say. “Just your friendly neighborhood primordial being.”

It finally dawned on the Archangel with whom he was speaking to. “You're the Empty Entity.”

“DING DING DING! Give the angel a prize!”

“Why am I awake?” Gabriel asked, then rolled his eyes as a thought occurred to him. “Winchesters. What have those idiots broken now?”

“Oh, trust me angel, you are going to wish it was those boys that bargained for your broken being.”

The next thing Gabriel's mind registered was the feeling of being thrown to the ground as his body forcefully coughed up the dirt that had somehow found its way into his lungs. Slowly he started to realize there was a breeze. There had been nothing but stillness in the Empty and the sudden change had his head jerking up even as his coughing persisted.

He was back on Earth.

His Earth.

He was alive.

Why?!

That's when fire erupted in a circle around him, flames he quickly recognized as holy fire. A growl rose from his chest as he pushed himself to his feet, facing the figure that was now illuminated by the flames. Rage rushed through the Archangel's system at the sight of the Demon Duke.

“Eligos,” he snarled.

“Gabriel!” Eligos retorted with mock excitement. “So nice to see you up and moving, though I think I preferred you chained with your mouth sewn shut.”

“I swear I'll incinerate you where you stand-”

“And how do you plan on doing that while you are trapped in holy fire with low grace?”

Gabriel's eyes flicked up to the sky at the dark storm clouds that had moved in. He turned back to the Duke with a smirk on his face. “I do believe it looks like rain.”

As the last word left his mouth, mother nature smiled on him and the first drops of rain started to fall. They landed on the fire with a sizzle that caused the flames to jump.

“Only a matter of time,” Gabriel continued. “Even low on grace, I'll have no problem doing away with you.”

Eligos barked out a laugh as he gestured to the Enochian symbols around the outside of the fire that the Archangel had missed in his anger. He studied the symbols closely for a moment. They had been altered with dark magic, a sinister power that he hadn't seen since before Lucifer had been locked away. His stomach dropped as he realized what the Duke intended to do and his eyes shot back to him.

“You see, Gabriel,” Eligos started, “that fire won't matter once I've darkened what little grace still resides within you, because then you will be mine to control.”

“NO!” Gabriel shouted, frantically looking around for a way to deter the Duke's plan.

“Yes!” Eligos said as an evil cackle started to flow from him.

He started to chant in a language that was a mix of Enochian and Latin, causing the sigils around Gabriel to glow and the holy fire to roar to a size that towered over his head. Immense pressure punched into his chest, sending him to his knees. He could feel the magic seeping through the fire and into his vessel. He fought against the parasitic force with every ounce of strength he had, but he could feel it invading into the very sense of who and what he was. Could feel it twisting around his grace, forcing the shadow of his large wings to blaze forth into existence. The flames licked and sighed at his shadowed feathers and an idea formed through the suffocating pain it caused. He had no choice. He couldn't allow himself to become what this magic was trying to drag him towards.

He wouldn't allow it.

With a renewed strength he contributed to the pure adrenaline of the moment, he reached behind his back and grasped at his own wing. His fingers knotted into the soft shadowed feathers, and with one last breath to accept what he was about to do, he pulled. With twisting and wrenching motions he jerked on his wing with all his might, the pain exploding into his being and blurring his vision. A feeling like magma being poured into his vessel stampeded through his body, making his throat constrict and his feathered appendages jerk of their own accord almost like they were trying to escape. He was vaguely aware of Eligos’ failed attempts at coming through the amped holy fire to stop him, but when the base of his wing separated from not only his vessel but his very being, a scream of agony ripped from his lips that sent the ground trembling. The blur of his vision turned to complete darkness for a split second before he pulled himself back from the edge of unconscious by pure will alone. He wouldn't succumb and let this demon win. Not again! Not ever again! Eligos crashed to the ground as Gabriel started the same process with his other wing. When it, too, was torn from him, both wings burned to ash as his grace shot out from the gaping wounds in his back. The ash and grace swirled around him, dousing the flames with a force that sent the Duke flying through the air out of sight and leveling everything within a twenty mile radius.

There was silence, then, as his grace shot into the sky and vanished.

Gabriel was left lying flat on his stomach, gasping for air. The wounds on his back had somehow been healed, but he still felt the agonizing emptiness from what he had done. His skin was covered in a thick layer of sweat as nausea rolled through his stomach threatening to spill the bile that his stomach now created. His body trembled as he forced himself to roll to his back, trying to control his breath and attempting to grasp what he now was.

Human.

Chapters 1 through 3 are up on Ao3. Continue reading here...

[inktae]

Mari Mari my dear love since we are talking about this, can I ask you sth? (via ask and not chat cos it may help some people out there) well, a dear friend of mine decided to "go on a diet"... The thing is that she never actually said it was a diet but more of a "I'm not really hungry in this period" and it happened right after a super bad break up with her boyfriend (almost 3 years of dating ok, so it wasn't just a fling). Like... She isn't really vegetarian since she eats meat/fish around 1

Once every two months or something but… We eat together every day since we are classmates and ok she never was a big eater in the first place but since the break up (3 months ago) she is fucking coming in class with a bowl of 3 carrots and like 5 tomatoes and I’m extremely worried >

Like… Not even pasta or rice anymore!! So I asked her if she wasn’t on a diet and she replied me “no, I’m not really hungry these days”. But after another week she started saying how she didn’t like her physique (she’s around 1.63 like me and 53-54 kilos, NOT FAT AT ALL) or how at dinner her mother forced her too eat pasta. PASTA OK. You need carbs ffs, especially if you ate so little at lunch! And those complains… Really made an alarm ring in my mind so I asked her again if everything was 3

Fine yk? And she said yes yes dw. But she just kept eating so little and indeed she lost quite some weight in these months. Everyday I tell her she looks amazing and that she can’t eat so little especially now that’s hot and she has low bloody pressure:/ but she just shrug me off. Once we also fight quite badly cos she came with only a bowl of almonds (around 15, I counted em) for lunch and I really tried to be calm but me saying her that her eating habits weren’t good really made her snap :/ 4

Ofc we solved it out after, but she keeps eating like this and I’m afraid the more I’ll talk with her about it the more she will build a wall (she is also very proud so that doesn’t help at all) to leave me out (at least on that matter, cos we are super close for everything else). Another friend started to notice her behavior and she’s getting really worried too and again we both tried talking to her a couple of weeks ago but her excuse was “my dad I vegan I know what im doing, im not on a 5

Diet, mind your own business” and look, I seriously don’t know what to do anymore :/ ofc you can eat veggies for lunch but NOT THIS LITTLE. Saying that really breaks my heart and i can see how thin she got in the last three months :/ she not underweight yet but I’m worried she will be if she keeps going like this. Also, her complaining about her body and how obsessed she is with not eating carbs kinda frighten me… I don’t wanna rush things but… Her behavior and how long it has been

Since she started this “diet” are very very close to the characteristic of some eating disorders and I really dunno what to do anymore. I try not to show my worry to her too much but clearly talking is not working and I’m wondering if I should find some other way to help her :/ any suggestions?

omg this is actually extremely worrying.. :/ emotional distress can block your stomach, yes, but it can be so so dangerous to let it dominate you. she needs to be educated about the nutrients her body needs to assimilate to actually function as a human being, bc clearly she’s deluded into thinking that her diet is healthy. to be honest with you, there are diets low in carbs and they can actually be healthy if done well (the paleo diet for example), but if you are going to remove something off your diet, then the more careful you need to be about what you eat, the more diverse your eating habits need to be, and you ESPECIALLY need to take care about the amount you’re eating everyday. the more specific foods you cut out, the more you need to eat of the remaining foods. people have this wrong misconception that eating less is better, and yes you might lose weight that way, but will you feel good? no, you won’t. hell it can even lead to serious problems like damage in the nervous system.

a healthy way of eating is not eating 10 almonds or two bites of vegetables like she’s doing.. it as simple as choosing a healthy option instead of an unhealthy option when you’re hungry. I bet she’s starving all the time and that is just not good for her. her young body might not be feeling it right now, but be sure as hell that the more she ages the more this dangerous way of diet will affect her. then again, she mustn’t have any energy already, which is totally the opposite of what you need during exams or hectic times in school!

also, her father being vegan is not a good excuse, because there are actually a lot of unhealthy vegans out there who only eat salads or only eat vegan junk food, which of course leads to countless deficiencies. if she is trying to go vegan and is eating like that then she is for a huge reality check in the future. to be honest, it is hard to do something when she doesn’t want to listen, but I assure you she must not be feeling physically well at all.. and yes, more than dieting this looks like the beginning of a serious eating disorder.

some suggestions.. tbh, you guys could try to go out for lunch or dinner together more frequently. start out with healthy places if you know them (asian restaurants can have lots of healthy options), so she’s at least getting more stuff in her stomach. maybe try to talk her into eating more quantities of vegetables, so her body gets used to eating bigger amounts and then she will start craving more stuff. you could also invite her for activities that involve heavy exercise because exercising increases your appetite, so she might be inclined to eating more if she’s more physically active.

though personally, what I would do is confront her again, but not let her get the upper hand. it might turn into a fight, but at least she would be listening, right? and that is already a good step. she says that it’s none of your business, but when she’s worrying you and your friends, then it is more than that, and this girl needs to understand that. tbh I think this is one of the cases where you just can’t leave her alone, even if she feels uncomfortable — she might get mad, but keep pushing until you get another reaction from her. tell her to visit a nutritionist, tell her to get her blood tested, and hell if she doesn’t want to talk to you, convince her to talk to someone else instead. but definitely do not let this go.. you guys still have time to get her on the right track again. good luck conny :’(

[thepsychicclam]

So, I've asked you exercise questions before, like years ago so sorry for the randomness. But I finally started exercising again and I've been working out for almost an hour everyday for two months now and started trying to eat less, but I've seen no progress in my weight and I can't tell, but I don't think I've lost any inches either. I'm just really bummed...

hi again!! i’m sorry you are bummed and frustrated :( the weight loss journey is the hardest. i feel like i am always struggling and bummed, so i feel you.

first off, congrats on working out again! even if you haven’t lost any weight, you are becoming healthier just by being physically active every day. it doesn’t help with the weight loss, but it can help remind you that you are doing something positive.

i’m no fitness expert by any means, so all of this is from my own experience, all the stuff i’ve read over the years, etc. it is not intended to be professional advice or replace a doctor or trainer (lol there’s my disclaimer XDD)

bodies are weird. some ppl respond better to certain exercises, while others respond more to diet. part of the struggle is figuring out what works for YOU. for example, my bff does well with strength training and my sister responds better to diet. i feel like nothing works lol but exercise seems to do the best for me. the first thing i would ask is, what kind of exercise are you doing? while walking for an hour every day is good for your health, it’s not necessarily the best to lose weight. you could do a more intense 20 minute workout and get better, faster results bc of the types of workouts. i’ve read a lot of articles about how shorter, more intense workouts will help you lose weight more than hours of cardio. my coach tells us the same thing. strength training is also supposed to help support weight loss, bc muscle burns more fat. are you adding in any kind of strength training? it doesn’t even have to be anything crazy. machines at the gym, light dumb bells, body weight exercises. 

working out for an hour may also not be the best thing for your weight loss. it depends on what you’re doing. when i used to run all the time, i read articles about how running for an hour wasn’t as good as like doing some kind of HIIT cardio for 20 min bc your body levels out and doesn’t burn as much fat after so many minutes. interval training is good to combat that. they even have walking plans that incorporate intervals to help change the intensity and burn fat so you can find something to fit your current fitness level. 

the third thing i would say is two months isn’t a long time (even though it feels like forever!). sometimes, depending on your body, metabolism, etc, it can take awhile to see results. i’ve been doing crossfit 4-5 days each week for 8 mths and i have barely lost any fat/weight. i’ve gained muscle, but the inches are stubborn and won’t go away. it’s partially my metabolism and mild thyroid problems, but also probably the way i eat. i’m FINALLY starting to see some changes, but very slowly and very minor, and it took 6 mths. i’m still not seeing results i had hoped, but quitting won’t get me results, so i’m just gonna keep on trucking. a friend of mine who does crossfit with me said she didn’t lose weight until she had been doing it for a year. but that’s okay bc that kind of weight loss is the kind that should stick as opposed to fast drops. fitness and weight loss is really the long haul instead of a short, quick journey, which is frustrating. and it’s not easy. it takes dedication, time, and commitment. sounds like you’ve already invested all that!

diet is my biggest weakness, so believe me when i say i understand that the struggle is real. it’s also a game of figuring out what works for you. make sure you’re eating enough calories. too few calories can slow your metabolism. make sure you’re eating over 1200 calories at least. i track what i eat when i’m focusing on it, and that seems to work well for me. i use MyFitnessPal bc they have like EVERYTHING. i mean, it means you have to weigh stuff and think about serving size, but it helps bc i’m like “OH MY GOD I ATE 500 CALORIES OF X WHY I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH” then i eat more of what i do want to waste calories on :PPP 

i personally like looking at macros rather than calories. macros are the percentage of your daily food broken into carbs, protein, and fats. the “standard” is i think 40-50% carbs and the other into smaller percentages. a lot of the weight loss stuff i’ve read says evening out the macros helps, like basically 30% of each with some wiggle room. some ppl suggest less carbs and more fat. i can’t eat super low carbs, like a paleo/keto diet. i’ve tried and my blood sugar got all fucked. and i knew it wasn’t a lifestyle choice i was going to want to adopt. so, i try for healthy carbs and less carbs if possible. i like the 30% even idea. i seem to get results when i stick to that, but my eating is connected to my anxiety/depression, so sometimes it’s hard for me to track and not just eat ALL THE CARBS bc i feel like the world is ending. 

i stopped buying stuff i didn’t want to eat. like junk food, etc, and i don’t go out to eat (plus it saves money!), and i especially don’t drink my calories. i eat clean 85% of the time, and the rest of the time i don’t. which i think is slowing my weight loss journey. i keep saying I’M GONNA DO BETTER but it’s hard. honestly, my meals are the easiest. snacks are where i mess up :|||| i believe though that every small change, every positive choice each day leads to results. even if you eat something that may not be the best once each day, if you cut out the 2-3 OTHER bad things, you are doing better. it’s a journey. you will have good days and bad days, but that’s what makes it part of your lifestyle.

other things that affect weight loss are stress, water intake, and sleep. are you stressed? do you drink enough water? do you get 7-9 hrs of sleep each night? trying to change those things might help, too.

i know it’s hard. this has been my struggle my whole life. i still feel like i will never figure it out. but remember that every small thing is making you healthier and fitter. fit isn’t skinny. of course you want to be at a healthy body weight bc obesity, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, mobility problems, etc are serious issues. but fit and healthy come in a lot of different forms. that’s what i keep trying to tell myself. i’m strong, my cardio is strong, i just am not a size 0. that’s okay (or at least i’m trying to convince myself).

keep doing what you’re doing. try new exercises. try to vary what you do each day. track your foods and see what works for you. eat healthy, natural, nutritious food, but eat bc you need to be good to your body. and most of all, DON’T GIVE UP. quitting won’t lead to any results. persevering will eventually get you there, even if it’s slow and steady. you’ve got two months under your belt. it should be a habit by now. keep moving. keep making smart food choices. you’re making strides to being a healthier you, and eventually, you WILL see results. 

idk if any of this helped, but i hope it did. i am 150% behind you and cheering you on. you can always come into my inbox with anon questions, ranting, or words if you need to talk or someone to listen. i will send you motivation and positive thoughts if you need them. i have just about done everything and tried everything fitness and diet related, so i understand and know you can do it. good luck, and keep moving

[hearticho]

i saw your post on the stressful class you had a while back, how did you deal with it? because i feel like giving up on my thesis right now and i'm panicking because deliberations are just around the corner and i haven't done anything significant. i'm having an existential crisis like, did i pick the right course? is this what i really want? if i'm subjecting myself to this kind of stress, is this degree worth it/right for me? why did i choose this? how did i end up in this mess? and it's

especially hurting because this is the second time i’m taking this class (i need to pass this to graduate), and i dropped this class last year for the same reason i have now (among other things too). it’s not that i’m a lazy student, i had excellent marks in other subjects and led groupworks for different classes, but this particular thesis class has me stumped. i want to give up and take some time to re-evaluate myself. but i’m afraid of what my parents, friends, classmates, peers, and profs would think of me if i delay graduation again. like i can already picture their “disappointed face” and i can’t take it. i just want to go away to someplace where nobody knows me, where nobody expects anything from me, and start over.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write out your ask and for confiding in me. I never thought I would receive any asks when I made this tumblr a year ago, but every time I do, I’m so glad I get to connect with other people. 

Second of all, I’ve never been the best at giving advice, but I’m going to try my best. You can always send me another ask or an instant message if you feel comfortable with that. If what I’m about to say doesn’t help you at all, I’m always willing to just listen and/or talk through it with you!!!

I think I’ve written a few posts about my stressful class (because it’s been the bane of my existence this semester), but I’m going to assume you’re referring to my post about how anxious I was about writing for it? I can relate to a lot about what you said and it seems like something about my post resonated with you. But before I give my two cents, I’ll let you know my situation and then we can go from there. 

MY CURRENT SEMESTERSo I’m a senior right now and I’m trying to graduate in May. I’m only taking three classes (8 credit hours total) this semester because I’m doing an internship as well. In order to graduate with two degrees (I’m double majoring), I need to complete 158 credit hours. Since I’m only taking 8 credit hours, my grades this semester won’t significantly impact my GPA. My goal is to just pass all my classes and graduate. 

The stakes aren’t super high for me… But I’m still tremendously stressed out about my advanced comp class because I have to write a lot. (More than I’ve ever written for one class.) I have really bad writing anxiety, so I was about 6-7 weeks behind on writing (before I finally caught up somewhat). I was worried about ending up with an F by the end of the class and not being able to graduate with both degrees (I’d be able to graduate with at least one). I was able to finish a good chunk of the assignments the week after spring break. I’ll have to turn in two more assignments and then the class will be over. I’m still concerned about how things will turn out, but I think I’ll still be able to get the credit for my stressful class.

HOW DID I DEAL?I’m having a hard time answering your first question because I honestly DIDN’T deal with it for a long time. The anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t even make outlines or look at the assignments. I pushed it off for almost two months. Going home during spring break and being able to take a breather from the stress of the advanced comp class and everything else was something that I really needed. The break allowed me to re-calibrate and then do some more planning to make writing less daunting for me. In my head, I figured out step-by-step about what I needed to do to finish my writing assignments and knowing that I had a road map helped a lot. 

EXISTENTIAL CRISES This semester I didn’t really have any existential crises like you about whether or not I chose the right majors, but of course I have wondered about that from time to time and I think I’ll continue to wonder about that even after graduation. I think a lot of people wonder if what they’re pursuing is something they actually want. 

Whenever I’m stressing out about whether or not I really want something, I talk to a variety of people. I talk to people who are in the same field as me, people who are in different fields as me, my friends and roommate, my favorite professors, etc. The more I keep talking about it, the more I can visualize the future and realize how I truly feel about something. 

(I personally really like having one-on-one conversations, so this might be helpful for me but not for you.) 

Even though I’ve had doubts about my majors, I still have more positive feelings than negative feelings. If you have WAY more negative feelings than positive feelings then maybe stepping back from it or finding something else would be the right thing for you. Also, figuring out exactly which parts unsettle you could also be useful for re-directing yourself. 

For instance, if you’re an education major and you’re finding out that you don’t want to work in a traditional teacher role like in an elementary school or high school but you still like education, maybe you could look into teaching adults who never got their GEDs or immigrants or going abroad to teach English or going into education research. Some parts of your major, and not the whole major, might have drawn you in, so learning what those parts are might be beneficial to moving forward. 

But… it sounds like you’re doing well except for this one thesis class. Like, you’ve done all the work and you’re almost at the finish line except that there’s this one big obstacle before you can receive your medal. Question you can ask yourself: If this obstacle didn’t exist, would I still be ok with sticking with my major or would I still be displeased? 

(I don’t know all your circumstances or your relationship to your studies, so again, if you want to explain more about it or talk through it, you can always send a follow ask or instant message me!)

QUITTING AND DISAPPOINTING PEOPLETo answer your other concerns about dropping things and possibly disappointing people, I would say that your well-being ALWAYS comes first. 

If your academics are totally wrecking your emotional and mental health, then I honestly don’t think it’s worth it. You don’t have to love anything 100% of the time, but shouldn’t you enjoy what you’re doing most of the time? Is finishing your degree (at this time) worth losing your mind?

This was the first semester that I’ve dropped a class in college (and had to pick up an online 8-week class) because while I was growing up, I was told to always just stick it out even when it gets tough. Quitting is “shameful” and it’s “weak” to give up. Little did I know how satisfying and relieving it is to drop classes lmao 

It’s very upsetting to know that you’ve let down the people around you, but if they really care about you, they will understand that you either 1) need more time or 2) need to pursue something else. It might be tough to endure the disappointing faces and words and there might be some friction during any transitional periods, but people usually get over it once they see you 1) back on track at a later time or 2) happier in a different field. 

PEOPLE I KNOW WHO HAVE TAKEN THEIR TIMESince I like to have a lot of conversations with people (I can get pretty nosy), I’ve met some great people who got to their goals by taking the long way around. 

1. My older sister went to undergrad for 6 years. It took her a long time because she switched majors and took a year off because of her mental health. She graduated with an English degree. She’s now taking classes to be an ultrasound tech at a different school. 

2. My resident director who ran the dorm I lived in during my first year went to undergrad for about 7-8 years. He kept switching majors and couldn’t figure out what he really wanted. I don’t think his degree coincided with his res director job at all. He’s good at what he does and he loves his wife and two babies. 

3. One of the directors of my school’s LGBT resource center had to take a stats class to finish his degree and he took it five times because he really struggles with math. He was eventually able to graduate. He’s never had to think about stats since the end of that class. 

4. One of my community health professors took a chemistry class three times because he wanted to be pre-med. He could never get above a C-, so he chose to go into public health instead because he still wanted to pursue something health-related. It worked out really well for him. 

5. My roommate dropped one of her required classes because her schedule was too overwhelming. She won’t be able to graduate with me in May, but she’s going to take it again during the summer and then graduate in August. She’s so happy that she doesn’t have to take on everything in one semester. She can put all of her focus on her most difficult class without any distractions during the summer. 

DELAYING GRADUATIONA third of my friends are staying for an extra semester or year because they need more time. Going to undergrad for more than 4 years is becoming more normalized. Graduating “on time” is not the narrative of a huge percentage of students these days. If you can afford to pay for another semester or take out loans, then it can definitely be an option. If you can afford to take a break from school for a while to figure things out or get a job, that can also be an option. 

You don’t have to put a rush on things. You’re not going to “fall behind.” 

What’s waiting for you? A job? Grad school? Both will be there for you when you’re ready for it. Those opportunities are not going to suddenly disappear because you waited a little longer than you expected or didn’t graduate the same semester as your classmates.  

The only reason why I’m finishing in 4 years is because I got lucky. That’s it. Not because I was exceptionally bright or hard working or because I had to. It just kind of ended up that way. 

LAST WORDSIt can be tough to live up to any expectations. You want to make people happy and proud and be the person they want you to be. But the fact that they forced these types of expectations on you is pretty unfair! Shouldn’t your health and happiness be what they care about the most?

You’re not a little kid anymore and you should be able to form your own expectations and limits. If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. You’re going to meet your current goals, modified goals, or new goals eventually, whether you finish on time or decide to take the scenic route. 

I’m assuming you’re in your early twenties like me. I have to remind myself all the time that I’m actually not that old. We still have SO much time to grow and learn. At this stage in our lives, we have the privilege of making mistakes and we have to take full advantage of it. 

P.S. I’m sorry for replying to this so late! Some friends are visiting this weekend and I also wanted to take my time with this. I’m also sorry this was so wordy! For someone who gets writing anxiety, I sure do like to write a lot for my asks lmao