#i probably shouldve gotten more sleep and gone over this one more time but. this one was for me to explore writing new stuff!

[bright-and-burning]

begging hands knees please

(oscar piastri/lando norris, explicit, 2.0k)

Lando slides in, slow, steady, insistent, and pauses. He leans forward, covering Oscar with his body. Presses a soft kiss over the hickey on Oscar’s shoulder, and wraps his hand around Oscar’s left wrist. His right hand is left free, and yet it’s just as useless. Lando squeezes down, just slightly— And freezes.

aka is anyone else insane about this picture or is it just me. aka let that man get railed 2k24

[aestheticsuwu]

🛋 I Wish I Didn't Care All The Time 🛋

F.W.B AU! Klarker

Clark Barker x Jack Kline

.... ..... ..... ..... ..

Many people have many opinions on F.W.B , but one opinion that is mainly seen and heard is that at the end it tends to blow up at your face .

Jack wasn't one to get involve into some shit that he will regret . On the other hand , his best friend Clark has done some shit that have gotten both of them in trouble .

Keep in mind half the time Jack wouldn't be involved and he somehow get caught red handed . He blames it all on Clark , well that's his excuse cause he doesn't want to get the wrath of his parents .

Sure he can ignore the raven man and hang with his other friends and live a simple , relaxing life . The problem is that Jack doesn't quite have other friends . He just has his older sister Claire . And her friends only talk to him out of pity .

He met Clark in high school when the guy tried to convince him to do the class project all by himself . From then on they sorta clicked , they were inseparable.  Many people thought they were dating .

He wasn't blind , his friend was attractive and by all the times Clark had told him he was hot . He could see why people thought that they were a couple , the latter was quite touchy .

And it wasn't like it never crossed his mind , but the thing was Clark is basically fuck boy . He doesn't do relationships , the only thing he can commit is to drugs,  food , and music .

On the other hand he didn't have a problem with commitment issues , but all his relationships just never seem to work out . The problem mainly being Clark , that's what his exes would tell him .

" Fuck them , they dont know what their missing out , And being honest she was annoying . " 

That was always his response , pointing out what he didn't like about the person .

" you don't like no one " it was like a relative

thing . He wasn't lying when he mentioned about his failed attempt at love .

" I like you , don't I " Rolling his eyes , as the raven haired holds him close . All he can do is take in the somehow soothing smell of cigarettes and cologne .

.....

Being in college is frustrating , mainly being filled overload with homework , essays , projects , and you can't forget anxiety . Jack was just overwhelmed , he just wanted to go home to his dad's and listen to them bicker . Have a fight with Claire about anything , help his father with his garden and watch the bees .

He wants to spend time with his uncle Sam maybe playing football , even he's terribly bad at it . Laugh with his aunt Eileen,  when Sam and Dean get competitive over who's actually winning .  he just wants to be with his family .

Thank God break is coming soon , if not he would've exploded . When he mentions it to Clark,  he just say he's probably frustrated because  he hasn't gotten any action . He usually just throws his pillow at him .

..... ...... .....

It wasn't the first time he seen his friend drunk , it was after all was a constant thing he would do . Watching as his friend struggle to take of his jacket and stumbling to go lay down , it wasn't no surprise when he had fell down . He also couldn't help but laugh along with Clark.

" seems like you had a fun night , here let me help you " Helping him stand up , he starts to remove his jacket .

" Fuck yeah I did , you should've have gone . You could've released some of your pent up frustration . "  Clark spoke as he looked at the blonde .

" can you not , just be glad you did . God you reek of ciggaretes . I don't know when your gonna learn when to stop smoking .

Hold on I'm gonna help you change , please try not to fall . "

removing the other boy shirt , he walks to the drawer taking out what he needs . returning to the now slighty naked drunk .

" I missed you "

" i missed you too . you should lay down.  " turning around to lay down , he was stopped .

" can you lay with me tonight . please . "

 Clark asked still holding on to his wrist . as they both layed down , he didn't know why his heart was beating so fast . Maybe it was the way his friend was looking at him or how all he can think of how was to kiss him . But there was that warning bell

going off his mind warning him to not cross the line . but by the time he was gonna acknowledge it , Clark had started kissing him .

He wasn't the one to be blamed , if you were being kissed by the same person who was incredibly a good kisser you would also ignore all the warning signs .

His lips tasted like beer and cigarettes.  Clothes were thrown across the room . Darker hands roamed gently across soft pale skin , Holding him down firmly . As he racked his nails down the ravens back from the pleasure he was receiving.  And he should've known everything wouldn't be the same after that night .

.... .... ....

The morning after , Jack got his ass up from the bed and quickly left as he could . Scared he had to face him . cursing himself for being so weak , he shouldve have stopped . He knew he should go back to his dorm and got talk to Clark,  but it didn't mean he couldn't avoid it for a few more hours .

walking in the dorm , he expected to see the latter in the room but he was nowhere to be seen . So he sat down and waited . minutes after minutes then  turned to hours . Might as well get started with his paper that was due this week .

It was dark when he heard the door open . looking up from his computer , watching as Clark walk in . Obviously ignoring him , he went straight to bathroom . They didn't spoke at all , just Jack watching him change . but he didn't once look at him .

Right he was about to step out , he just quickly spoke and left .

" I'm going out , don't wait up "

The silence didn't quite helped him feel better .It made him feel like shit , it just made it worse when he started to cry .

.... .... ....

All he can see was darkness , he kept glancing at the clock . The time was just there mocking him as if it knew he was waiting for someone that might not come . checking again it was still 2 : 00 AM like it was two seconds ago .So he just turned on the lights .

Coming to the conclusion that the raven haired  was probably in someone else's bed . He gets out of bed  to turn off the lights , the door opens .

" your awake , I thought you were asleep already ."  a surprised look coming across his face .

" I was going to , I was just ......... " silence overtook the conversation .  they just standed for a good minute until Clark spoke but didn't even look at his direction .

" alright . night . "

Shame crept up in his skin , he knew he should've kept his mouth shut . but the words just tumbled out his mouth .

" you had fun ? I mean by looks of it . "

finishing getting undress , he responds by shrugging . not being able to stand the cold shoulder , he tries again but unfortunately that's when his tears started to come in .

"  Jack ,  are you crying ? "

startled by the voice , he looks up. He didn't even notice when his friend came closer.  He latches on to the older boy ,not wanting the other to leave him . feeling Clark hold him tight and giving him a kiss on his temple made him calm down .

Later that night they talked and both agreed it was an  amazing beautiful mistake but both knew it would affect their friendship . So they agreed to move on , keep going with their life's. 

Unfortunately , Clark haven't been able to sleep with anyone else after night. It seemed nobody was good enough for him . It just seemed pointless , and he doesn't want to remember when he try to have sex but he couldn't get it up .

So it lead him to masturbating and smoking . But he couldn't do it because he didn't have time to do so . And it seemed both him and Jack were playing a game that they didn't even know the rules to .

All broke loose when he saw a guy try to give Jack his number in front of him . HE was just boiling and it was like the blonde knew what it was doing to him . He started flirting back with that dumbass .

When they both got back to the dorm , they locked the door .

The next day they both went to find the guy and jack had to explain to the guy he wasnt interested , not because what had happen in that same day .

And if Clark had a smug smirk all day nobody mentioned it

.... ....

They agreed on a Friend with benefits agreement . There were rules that had to be followed so at the end their friendship wouldnt get ruined .

* 1 . Don't tell anyone

* 2 . once feelings start to form they had to call it quits

* 3 . They're aren't allowed to sleep with anyone else 

( Jack agreed with that one right away , he wasn't trying to catch a disease or something . well that's what he kept telling himself .)

* 4 . They can stop whenever the other doesn't want to continue .

* 5 . Always ask consent !

Jack was really proud he came up with that , even if Clark retorted

" I think when your all over me it should be more clear that you want me to F- "

covering his mouth he ends the conversation to point out their first time .

 " you were the one that had  asked me the first time .:

And well they couldn't quite finish the list , because one kiss lead to another and well how can you blame Clark when the blonde was smiling at him like that .

When both come to the conclusion that had fallen way before they had come to the point they were . The blonde tries to show the other , how maybe they didn't have to be just friends . While the other pretends , it all just distraction like playing a board game .

Even if it broke Clark's heart having to remind himself , it was just that and nothing more .

...... ..... .....

there should be more klarker fic

[feel199x]

 gang!au, gang member!han jisung, florist!reader, underground band!au

chapters: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X masterlist

warnings: angst and themes of abuse and trauma

🌸 a/n: i actually finished this fic, and it’ll be up in my queue to post over the weekend! it’s kind of exciting to be finally finishing this fic! a hint  for the next chapter is at the end!! hehe

🌸 song rec: arsonist’s lullaby

Your eyelids were still heavy when you awoke. In front of you, though your eyes still blurry you made out a flower vase. You tried to move, suddenly desperate to feel the petals against your fingertips. Even though they were azaleas, petunias, globe amarths, carrot flowers, and asphodels- all dressed in a void black vase. You knew what it meant, you knew what it threatened. But you found your arms sore, propped up and irritated from the handcuffs that hung from the ceiling. As you looked down, your head getting too heavy for your neck to support, you found yourself surrounded eglantines, lemon and peach blossoms, lungworts, phlox, and red rose petals. You couldn’t help but let out a choked sob, your wrists burning, the metal digging into your skin. You arms stayed propped up, but the numb feeling began to spread through your body. You didn’t even look up as he came in, even as he made sure to slam the door shut.

“You know why you’re in here?” You didn’t answer, your voice all used up from crying. You could feel his fingers on your jaw, propping your face up so you could look straight up at him. You couldn’t make his face out completely, your vision blurred but not fading. There were already bruises there you knew, and he pressed down on them further. “Do you? I try so hard to control myself, and here you are, still acting up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you? I should just leave you here, let you learn your lesson.”

His thumb rested against your chin, looking at you intently- what could almost be mistaken as sympathy. It was deja vu, sitting there like a doll. “But I can’t resist you, can I?” No, you guess he couldn’t. That was the funny thing, right? He couldn’t expect to, how could he resist these primal urges? He talked and talked about nothing, and you were glad that you couldn’t pay attention to his words anyway, mind foggy and complacent. “I even brought you flowers. You didn’t have these in your shop, huh? So I got them. I’m a good husband.”

“Husband?”

“Good thing you’re pretty.” He got up, reaching over you and pulled something off your, well, ring finger. “See that? That cost more than your stupid shop.”

Stupid shop.

He slipped it back on, sitting back down next to you as he continued to talk.

“How long,” you paused, voice weak and raspy, quiet, “has it been?”

He seemed surprised by your question, eyebrows digging into his forehead in sudden anger. He got up and paced around the cramped room, not even bothering to watch him as you stared down at your own clothes- crinkled and dirty. “Why do you care?” he seethed, “I could treat you better than he ever could. A low-level drug dealer and a shitty, amateur rapper. Do you see lover boy here? No, you don’t. ‘Cause he’s dead.”

You let out a small gasp, tears brimming at the corners of your eyes and you looked at him. “What did you do?” you weeped, “Please- please, please tell me what you did.” His pacing came to a stop as he looked at you, face contorted with anger. “I got my co-workers to shoot him and friends dead, that’s what I did. Because you’re mine. Always and forever.”

You didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t- he couldn’t exactly be trusted. You grew impulsive, angry with him. Jisung would never, Jisung could never. He wasn’t that type of person- he could never take advantage of people, he could never keep something like that from of you. And here your captor was, smothering ash over Jisung’s name. But you knew he wasn’t lying about shooting Jisung and his friends, even if you didn’t want to believe it. He had tried the same thing with your family back then too. You felt guilty, at fault like you were the one behind the trigger. Anger bubbled like sparkling in your throat like bubbling water, steaming with impulsivity.

“You should kill me too then. I’d rather rot in the ground next to Jisung than spend another second looking at you.”

You knew your goal should’ve been to play the long game, especially after your failed attempt some time ago. How long has it been? You weren’t sure, there weren’t any windows in the room- and the white painted walls burned into your eyes. If you made him angry now, it would only take longer to gain his trust, but the damage was already done- you could feel the blood pouring out of the back of your head. You might’ve been dying, but you didn’t really care. You couldn’t even feel the pain from the hit from the adrenaline, so you continued to push your luck. Because it was true, Jisung had kept you going, your shop had kept you going. How would you ever be able to look another flower without seeing his face?

“He loved me better than you ever did and he didn’t even ask me to be his lover yet. Lover boy is better than you even dream about.”

It wasn’t like you to speak out of your turn, especially with the looming threat of death. You were too far gone, the warmth of blood streaming down your back. The bruises on your jaw from your grip deepening in color as his grip tightened, yelling some nonsense.

Still, even as he looked into your eyes, his breath hot on you- all you could think about was Jisung. How could you not? Your mind swam through melancholy memories.

You were in his arms tonight. His arms drooped over your shoulder, his head pressed against yours- lips brushing against your jaw as he whispered commentary about the movie you were watching. You were leaning against his chest, feeling his heart beat against your back. Knees propped up as his legs circled around you.

“I love you,” he murmured, “probably more than like, shrek.”

“I would hope so, shrek doesn’t feed you,” you paused, “But I love you too.”

And it was true, but you were unsure of the extent of your infatuation and devotion he was refering to. You wanted to say you were in love with him, but it was too much of a risk. If you scared him off now, who would come by your flower shop to spend time with you? Who would carry you off your bed during the weekends just to go to the convience store. Who would wrap arms and limbs around you and sing you to sleep at night after nightmares, after remembering? Did it even matter? You’ve never felt like this before, the only thing that came close was your devotion was your flowers. Maybe it should’ve scared you, that suddenly there was someone with so much importace to you, on the same level as the only thing that got through the Incident. You turned your head, the side pressed against Jisung’s chest. His arms moved to wrap around you waist, tightening around you. Your nose was touching his, lips only a breath away- but he was crying.

“Jisung,” you said softly, “Why are you crying? You chose this movie.”

“Do you think people in love will always end up together?”

You laced your hands in his, intertwining the both of them. “Of course,” you whispered, “Love finds a way.”

You thought it would happen then, his lips practically on top of yours- but it didn’t. He turned from you, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down- something caught in his throat. “Even if the person lied?”

“I guess it depends on the ‘sung. As long as it wouldn’t change your perception of the person in a way that hurt the relationship too much, I think they could make it.”

“What if it did? What if the person wasn’t as good as you thought they were?”

“Sung, is something going on? You can talk to me, I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

“You can’t. I can’t. We can’t.”

“Sung,” You cupped his face, making him look at you. You turned around, and his embrace loosened but remained around your waist. “I love you. You’re my best friend. I love you more than my shop. I promise that I always will, no matter the circumstances. You’re a good person, I know that. I promise, I pinky-promise.” You held up your pinky, and he brushed away his tears wrapping his finger around yours.

You don’t remember exactly what he had said before he left, something about a band dropping out of the club he played at. He had gotten a call and gathered his things almost immediately. You offered to go with him, you always wanted to see him live with his fans but he always refused. He said that it wasn’t your scene, and all grimy- it wasn’t somewhere you should be, not a play for someone pure as you. But you didn’t feel pure and insisted that he was the purer of you two. But it didn’t matter, when Jisung’s mind was set, it was set. He kissed your forehead, and before the door close he wrapped his pinky around yours without another word.

And then Jisung disappeared again.

It wasn’t the first time, but it was one of the longest. The days dragged on, the day having to pull and drag the night up into the sky. Even the sky’s star shined dimly, there only because of obligation. Ever since you started making arrangements back home at your mother’s flower store, you never liked roses much. But now you were starting to understand people’s obsession with them. It was an iconic symbol of love, everyone’s go-to, and you supposed there was a good reason for that. Its smell was sickeningly sweet, and the petals like velvet. You started getting letters in the mail. It happened every day. And even though you were flattered, you began to get worried. Worry arising.

After four months, you finally saw Jisung again. He kept somewhat in contact, but he had been busy. There were two months with complete radio silence, and one night you saw news coverage of shots fired in a car chase. You hadn’t put two and two together then, not even as you saw Jisung slightly limp as he moved around your store. You remember being conflicted about asking him, but as he kept telling you about his stories featuring his group members, you got lost.

That’s the night it all happened.

But before that, way before that. Maybe it really was love at first sight.

After the hose incident, you found Jisung lingering around your store until closing time. He had brought sweets every day for two weeks until you invited him back up to your apartment.

“Thank god,” he groaned, “My grandmother said if it didn’t work this time, she was going to interfere. Jokes on her, though, I’ve been stealing sweets forever.”

You laughed, getting bold after closing the shop and tugging at his wrist as you pulled him up the metal spiral stairs. “I would be more worried about Minho,” you teased, “you’d better not be slacking off during practice or he’ll chew you out.”

“Ew, ugh! Don’t remind me.”

“So, um,” you looked down, “What do you want to do?”

“Can I pick a movie?”

He had chosen a romance movie, you could’ve gone to the theater instead, but he insisted that he would pay you back for the fee- and that going to the theater would never be better than streaming at home. You didn’t mind romance movies, they were fun to watch. But during the less tense parts of the movies, you could feel yourself falling asleep and before you knew it your head was on his shoulder. If you were less sleepy, you would’ve freaked out as he pulled you closer is fingers lightly drawing shapes on your hips. You awoke when you felt Jisung’s chest heave and you looked up to see him crying. It was the first time you saw Jisung cry, and it broke your heart.

“Jisung, are you okay? We can change the movie if it’s too much…”

“No! Sorry, it’s just…”

“It’s just?”

“I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than love. I’m going to have a love like this one day. And I can’t wait. Thinking about makes me cry.”

 You were awake now. Eyes glazed over, still heavy with exhaustion and sleep. The blood down your back had dried now, you could feel your hair all bunched together and sticky with the flaky dried and blood. It was throbbing, pulsing almost- the headache was unbearable. How long has it been? How long would it be? You tried moving your legs, a numb static began to make you grow in discomfort. It was for the better though, because otherwise you would’ve felt the rope digging in and around your ankles. It was hard, you had to press your wrists further against the cuffs in order to help yourself. It was awkward, like a baby learning how to walk. It must’ve been hours when you stood there, the feeling finally returning to your legs. Your arms were relieved with the ability to relax, even if they were in an awkward position. They were still strung up, but at least your upper arm could relax.

The flowers in the room had been replaced, but the petals around you were starting to become crisp and brown. Alstroemerias, altheas, arbutus, red and yellow balsams, Japanese rose, jumpers, and kalmias. It made you shiver with disgust and fear. Where was he getting these flowers? Was he going back to your shop? 

You collapsed suddenly, your legs caving in on yourself. Your wrists pulled at harshly as your knees hit the floor. Have you eaten? You couldn’t have, how long has it been? Your stomach began to turn, you were hungry, but that was the least of your worries. Was Jisung really dead? What about his friends, Minho, Chan and everyone else? Were they dead too? How were you to expected to live with yourself, knowing you had brought his misfortune on all of them? If they were alive, how could you expect them to forgive you for the mess you had made? You couldn’t, and you would have to live with the guilt of hurting Jisung for the rest of your life. Because you knew it was dangerous, falling in love with someone knowing that it could be turned against you at any moment- but you did anyway. And now you had dug your own grave. Thoughts were growing difficult to form, the space growing through your coherent thoughts. All you could was feel.

How much time has passed? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes? All you knew was white. You could see the walls fill in the spots in your vision. It was irrational, but you began to hate the white painted walls. The lack of color was draining you, except for the vase in front of you. You wanted to kick it, destroy it completely- you wanted to move and release everything- every emotion and irrational thought boiling with impulsivity in your head. The only thought going through your head, getting louder and louder, blocking the diminishing number of coherent thoughts.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

You cried, even as dehydrated as you were. Your voice was raspy, and you couldn’t even speak words of comfort to yourself. You couldn’t remember, you couldn’t make them out.”It’s…going….to...be...okay.” Maybe it was pathetic but you were the only one you could lean on. You couldn’t hang on to the hope that someone was going to rescue you, especially if the only people you were dead- or angry because of the mess you had caused.

“Have you learned your lesson?”

You looked up, vision spotty and glazed with tears, and nodded desperately. You were mad at yourself for giving in so easily. “You’re pretty like this, “ he cooed, “All broken down and desperate.” He stroked your hair, fingers getting caught in your bloodied hair. “I bet you’re hungry, hm? I’m not going to let you go, so you’re going to have to let me feed you. I’d hate to have to...well, you know.”

You wish you didn’t.

 It felt like you were giving in as you ate, the food dry and difficult to swallow. He sat there for a while. The water he made you drink missed your mouth and streamed down your neck. You sat there, helpless, unable to clean yourself. “What a pretty mess,” he murmured, “What a pretty mouth. Just for me.” You hated him, you did. You hated him like forest fire, like the damage of a natural disaster. He disgusted you, he was disgusting- time and time again, he had taken everything that mattered to you. And he won. You felt pathetic, useless. Jisung was dead, dead and gone and you felt like it was all your fault. It made you shake, your heart thumping against your ribcage, begging to get out.

His phone rang, the ringtone burning in your ear. “Yes… I told you...Just get it...Dead.” He must’ve heard you lean against the metal cuffs, because he got up. He smiled, using his thumb to wipe the water off your lips. You were beginning to panic again, maybe it was a small chance that he was talking about Jisung and stray kids, but any chance was big enough to get worried. Before he closed the door, before you could give a second thought: “Help me take..a bath. Please.” Even with your soft, raspy and broken voice, it was enough to get his attention. Words were getting harder to form, it was getting to harder to even think- but you had to warn them, even if you don’t know what the danger was. Because if the call was about them, some of them were alive- and that meant you could clean up some of your mess, or at least make up for it. He ended the call quickly, uncuffing you. You arms immediately dropped, hands slamming against the floor.

“I knew you would come around. But you’d better behave. I don’t care if I have to hurt you to keep you complacent.” You watched as he pulled at your legs, untying the rope that kept your legs together. You struggled to get up, so he opted to carry you, throwing you over his back. It hurt your eyes to be flooded with color as he carried you to the bathroom. The bath ran and you sat in the warm water, he was watching you as he sat on the toilet cover. The feeling was returning to your body as the water in the filling bathtub lapped against you. “Help...me.” You didn’t want him to touch you, you never wanted to feel his fingers brush against your bare skin. You didn’t trust him, and you never would. Especially not after he did, or tried to do with Jisung. But more than anger, you felt guilt. It was overwhelming, contradictory feelings making your head spin even more. You shuddered as you felt the soap against your back.

“I missed you,” he murmured, “I’ve been searching for you for so long, waited for you so long.”

You swallowed hard, biting your lip as he continued. “I watched you for months. I wanted to take you and carry you away in the night, but I wanted to make him watch. He needed to know you were mine.” You felt hot water pour over your head, the bathtub becoming decorated in a red tint. “I almost gave up, I thought I had lost you completely. But then I saw you with lover boy. I wanted to kill him right there, I wanted to kill everyone but you. He gave a good fight though, beat the shit out of me. But guess who’s dead and who’s got the love?” He laughed at that, massaging something into your hair and picking at the flecks. You felt your wound burn and you moved to cover it, but he slapped your hand away. “Me. I won. You’re all mine, and if I ever see him again. I’ll kill everyone. I’m the only one who loves, okay? Not Jisung, not anyone else. You’re mine.” You heard him murmur that again and again. “I love you, you’re mine, mine.” You brought your knees to your chest, glad that the water hid the fact that you were crying. He didn’t push you to get up though, at least he was that decent. You watched as the red water swirled down the drain. He left and brought a towel, and your dress was clean and pressed. He sat on the toilet cover again, watching in case you wanted to pull something again.

This time you walked, content with being able to feel your weight shift as you walked. You knew this feeling, what it felt like to be completely devoid of basic powers. He led you back to the room, watching the phone in his back pocket. As you entered the room, you took an interest in the flowers. They were beautiful, despite what they meant. It was the only color in the white void of a room, and it mocked you. Your fingers caressed the petals, and the smell was haunting. Your heart was beating again, and you did your best to keep your face blank.

“Aren’t they nice? I got them just for you. You don’t even know what they mean, do you?

“No...tell me.”

“Nah. It’s a secret just for me.”

He moved to set up your ties again, and you got up, legs wobbling with a slight shake as your grip around the black vase tightened. It was now or never. It didn’t happen in slow motion- you knew that wasn’t possible. But you watched as the vase shattered against the back of his head, falling, bursting into tiny pieces as the flowers fell to his feet and he toppled. You knew there was no way he would be down for long, so you fished the phone out of his pockets. You panicked as you ran around the large house, searching for a room to hide in the meanwhile. His phone was locked, but you saw the screen unlock as you typed in your anniversary. You didn’t know where you were, a random room with various boxes. You slide the closet door open, met with the smell of mothballs but you entered anyway. There was a lot of stuff, and you piled things on top of you as you typed Jisung’s number.

It fell to voicemail, and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

“Jisung….it’s me….don’t have time, please...he’s send..ing...someone. Be safe..please...I’m in love.... with you. I’m sorry.”

You ended the call, typing in the emergency number.

“What’s your emergency?”

“I’m trapped...abducted.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“No.”

“Okay, stay calm okay? Please stay on the line as long as you can.”

“Can’t..he’s coming. Oh god, I’m as good...as dead.”

“Can you tell me his name please?”

“_____”

“____, as in the gang leader?”

“Yes.”

“I need you to stay on the line okay. Do you remember where you last were?”

“Boseong, my shop...flower shop..mirror.”

You heard the door slam open and the closet door slide open with a large creak.

“Sweetheart? Are you still there? Sweetheart, stay on the line. Is he in the room-?”

“Caught.”

azaleas: fragility

petunias: your prescense soothes me

globe amaranths: immortality, unfading love

carrot flowers: do not refuse me

asphodel in a black vase: death threat

eglatines: i wound to heal

lemon blossom: fidelity in love

peach blossom: i am your captive

lungworts: thou art my life

phlox: our souls are united, unanimity

alstroemerias: devotion

altheas: consumed by love

arbutus: love only for you

red balsams: touch me not, impatient resolve

yellow balsams: impatience

japanese rose: beauty is your only attraction

jumpers: asylum, aid, protection

kalmias: treachery

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could. 

[nadiineross]

title: cheeks get redder, nothing better

pairing: chloe/nadine

note: this is incomplete but basically fluff bc i didnt know how to end it and if im going to be honest i shouldve went a different way with the bathroom scene and ended it earlier

It’s been a month and a half after that whole tusk debacle and while Sam had stuck around, waiting for them to say the word, he hadn’t gotten in the way much. 

Which is to say, he only cockblocked Nadine once. (He also had a boot thrown at him the one time.) 

They’re in America now, wallets considerably heavier and treating themselves to a five star hotel. 

Obviously, she wanted to catch up with her old friends — mostly she just wanted to brag about all the trinkets she’d found on her latest excursion — so she texted Nate upon landing, telling him to go to her, because it’s safer to keep her load of treasure safe if she didn’t parade it across a city. 

It only occurs to Chloe now that she probably should not have given Nate her room number and definitely should not have told him to meet her there. 

She’s just realising that none of her friends outside of Sam know about Nadine yet. She also remembers Nadine telling her that she threw Nate out of a window twice. (She’d chuckled at the time, now not so much.)

Nadine’s always prattling on about foresight and she figures she should probably listen more. 

“Oh bloody hell,” she mutters under her breath, and as if on cue, the barista plops down two to-go cups on the counter and yells for her.

She scoops up the coffees and promptly drops them back down, hissing. Fingers now properly scalded, she slips cardboard sleeves around the cups before she’s off again. 

Thankfully, the Starbucks is right next to her hotel and she has no trouble getting to the elevators. 

There’s a bellboy in the elevator, and she flashes him a smile. “Hey, mate, hold my coffee?”

He clears his throat, nods after a beat, and does as told, watching as she digs her keycard out of her pocket to get access to the guest floors. 

“Thank you,” she says when he hands the coffee back to her. 

She must look a sight; a beaten up Kim Possible who dresses in shades of red and has mismatched socks under a pair of knock-off Nikes. Not exactly the kind of person you’d see running around the lobby of a Hilton. 

You can’t blame her. She’d only woken up half an hour ago, sprawled over Nadine, eyes bleary with sleep. 

She’d texted Nate again last night and forgotten he was coming over, so she scrambled up to get ready. They’d missed the buffet, so she gave a drowsy Nadine a solid kiss on the mouth and hurried off to Starbucks to buy them breakfast. Speaking of which, she forgot the pastries. 

She huffs to herself, mutters a “thanks” to the bellboy, and taps her foot impatiently over the beat of jazzy elevator music. 

The frowning bellboy stays on after she rushes off to get to her room. Oh. She winces when she notices the door is left ajar. She jogs the rest of the way and pushes the door open with her shoulder. 

There, against the wall by the windows, is a barely waken Nadine Ross and a snarling Nathan Drake. He’s got his arm around her throat and she’s preparing to give him an elbow to the gut. 

Nate notices her first, but he can’t get anything out, the wind knocked out of him as Nadine twists and slams him into the wall. 

“Chloe,” he gasps, one hand shoving at Nadine’s face. “If you’re free any time today, could you possibly give me a hand?” 

That spurs her into motion. She closes the door with an audible slam and stomps her way in. “Hands off my girlfriend, Drake!”

“What?”

Chloe dumps the coffee onto the table with a dull clunk and eyes the window right next to them. Nate would have a rough time getting out of that fall. “Nadine, love.”

There’s a beat. Then, Nadine’s backing off, forearm coming off Nate’s throat and swatting his flailing hand away from her. 

“I can’t believe I like his brother more than I do him,” she informs Chloe, ignoring Nate completely.

She’s in a pair of leggings and an Adidas sports bra, hair stuffed in a sloppy ponytail. Chloe has no idea what kind of conclusion Nate came to when he first saw a disheveled Nadine Ross at the doorway.

“Sorry,” she mouths to Nadine, who rolls her eyes and grabs her disgustingly bitter coffee off the desk. 

Nate’s eyes are flicking between Nadine and Chloe, hands rubbing at his neck. “Well!” she starts, clapping her hands together. “How’ve you been?”

Behind her, Nadine snorts into her coffee. Chloe ignores her. Nate follows her lead, ignores them both, and gestures wildly. “That—That’s Nadine Ross!”

“Oh.” Chloe puts a hand to her heart and turns to look at Nadine, bent at the waist to pull a shirt from her bags. “Hear that, china? You’re Nadine Ross!”

“Astounding,” Nadine deadpans. 

Nate is completely and utterly lost. “You...” Here, he sputters and points an accusing finger at Chloe. “You’re sleeping with the lady who threw me across, like, five different rooms!”

She nods, faux serious, and hums in appreciation when Nadine hands Chloe her coffee. “Yes,” she says, taking a sip. “She’s really strong.” 

“You’re unbelievable,” he finally says. 

“I’ll give you two some space,” Nadine says, stiffly. She shuffles into the bathroom, leaving the door open. 

Chloe sits herself down on the edge of the bed, watching as Nate gapes a little more. 

“Oh, c’mon, Nate,” she scoffs after a moment of prolonged silence. 

Nate frowns. “She shot at me.”

“You shot at her too.”

“Well,” he says, sniffing. “She started it.”

Chloe gives him a look. “Really?” 

Nate sighs, drags a hand down his face, and squints at her. “Okay, but she’s scary.”

“It’s a quality I greatly admire,” she says, grinning. He’ll process this on his own time; she can already tell he’s moving on, because he’s working his jaw and straightening up. 

“I have so many questions for you,” he tells her, sitting down beside her. 

“Later.” She flops onto her stomach, upper body hanging over the end of the bed, and stretches out to haul her suitcase closer. She unzips it and piles her folded clothes onto one side, revealing a myriad of trinkets she’d collected. 

When they’re done here, Chloe’ll probably head back to Australia so she can add it all to her collection at home, but for now, she lets Nate have at it. 

She chuckles when he gasps, grabby hands skimming over the edges of the pile, and waves a hand. “Have fun, cowboy.”

As he marvels over it all and takes pictures to send to Elena, she rolls onto her feet and peers into the bathroom. 

Nadine’s perched on the edge of the bathtub, typing something on her phone with a plastic toothbrush sticking out of her mouth. She glances up at Chloe when the door clicks shut, but only puts the phone down after a moment. 

“Fancy seeing you here,” Chloe jokes, eyes following Nadine to the sink. 

“I’m really questioning your taste in company, Frazer,” Nadine says, lightly, after she rinses out her mouth.

Chloe grimaces, letting Nadine cage her against the door. “I forgot to tell him about our,” here, she hesitates, “partnership.”

If this was a month ago, Nadine would’ve ripped Chloe a new one for this stunt. Now, she only tilts her head. “Girlfriend?”

Right. Chloe said that. 

She doesn’t have anything outstanding to say, so she pulls her signature move: go head first and hope for the best. 

“Yes?” she replies, sweetly. 

Nadine snorts, pulling back, but not completely. “We’re fucking.” 

The bluntness of it has Chloe wilting in her spot a little, and if Nate wasn’t less than two meters away, she’d probably be trying to start something just to hide her embarrassment and dismay. Instead, she’s forced to handle it like a functioning adult. 

She nods and slips her fists into her pockets. “We’re fucking regularly.” A beat. “And spending most of our waking moments together. So.” 

“So.” Nadine looks faintly amused and, oh, Chloe wants to thwack her over the head if she could get away with it. 

“So, logically,” Chloe says, “that’s dating.” 

Nadine grows serious, not stern, the softness is still there, but the humour’s gone. “If there’s a question somewhere, ask it.” 

Chloe’s only ever dated when she was in high school. Sure, there were a couple between then and now, take Nate for example, but they’d always asked her first. It’s a little jarring being on the other end. She’s faced armies and imminent death by bomb, and asking a girl out can’t be that hard, so she sucks it up. 

There’s a moment she uses to gather her courage. She thinks about Nate, about when she’d asked him to run away with her so many years ago and the knot of nervousness at the base of her chest when she did. 

“Nadine Ross,” she says, pulling Nadine closer. The warmth of her body quells the rolling in her chest. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

Nadine, who Chloe had kept waiting again, surges forward to kiss her, impatient. In her haste, she bumps their teeth together, but Chloe reckons this is the best fucking kiss she’s ever had.

“So that’s a yes?” Chloe asks, into her mouth. 

There’s a sharp inhale. Nadine let’s it out with a breathy laugh. “That’s a yes.” 

Chloe beams. She’s about to say something more, a teasing quip to lighten the mood just a tad more, but there’s a hesitant knock on the door before she can say anything. 

“Uh, guys,” comes Nate, awkward, “I really hope you’re not...”

Nadine looks like she’s going to have an aneurism, so Chloe kisses her again, chaste this time. 

Then, she turns and pulls the door open a crack to glare at Nate. “What?” 

Chloe mourns the warmth when Nadine pulls back. She opens the door fully and raises an eyebrow at Nate. He glances at Nadine, shifts his weight, and wiggles his phone. “Elena said she managed to get out of filming and wants to meet for lunch.” 

“Oh,” Chloe says. She looks over her shoulder to an impassive Nadine. “You coming?”

“No. I’ve got some business to attend to.”

Usually, Chloe’d push, but she figures Nadine wouldn’t have much to say and would be bored out of her mind, besides, they’ve only been going steady for about three minutes. 

Relieved, Nate jerks a thumb at the door. “I’ll wait outside.”

[ohkimani]

(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him. 

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though. 

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things. 

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up. 

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

[ellerevelle]

copy paste past journal entry 1

My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago. I’m deleting old journal entries I furiously scribbled down or typed out on the ‘stickies’ app or ‘notes’ app. But theyre interesting enough to me to not want to delete completely. So I’m copying and pasting them here. Its interesting... we only just broke up, but I wrote this entry in October of 2015. And I referred to the things that I still feel and fear from him to this day. I shouldve known. Even way back then. 

Begin entry-- 

how does it make you feel to think we might never see each other again?

you are an asshole. for deciding my love isnt good enough for you, that i am not worth fighting for, for breaking up with my after my birthday after my mom dies.

think about it. think about how you get to know a person.

you meet, where? at work? in a bar? at a show? through a friend at dinner or something?

you chat with them there. they impress you, how? with a cute joke. by going along with the shit you say. by carrying themselves well. by making small talk you enjoy that you want to see them again and continue it into medium talk then maybe big talk if the chemistry takes you there.

they are attractive.

they are attractive, the easy way.

therefore they are easy to spend time with, the easy way. the "lets go swimming!" way or the "lets see a movie" way or the "lets not get too heavy into dark stuff or pain" way.

you sleep together. its nice. or its hot. or its both. or its neither... all more ways to get to know someone.

Now, think about when it starts to not be easy. Are you still attracted to this person? Have you been "tamed"? Why?

You have gotten to know me through a shit ton of easy stuff. And then I showed you some of my glow. We brought magic out of one another. We made the EFFORT to continue to see one another because we loved each other, loved the feeling of being together. And for me, I wanted to know more about your magic.

Of course I saw your struggles, your difficulties. I noticed the things you brought up more, complained about more. I noticed what annoyed me or red flagged me. Times you were cynical and quick to diss. Quick to opt not to relate or try to understand a different point of view. I remember the time you straight up got out of bed and took a walk around the block in the middle of the night because you were upset with me after watching Pulp Fiction.

And I realize I had a one night stand with someone. And that the timeline doesnt sit well with you.

But lets get into that.

I let someone touch me, yes. Its horrible that I didnt know better, yes. But have I seen him since? No. Did I honestly even enjoy being there? No. Do I respect him? No. Have I let anyone even come close to touching my body since? No.

It was not an emotional affair. It was not a plotted out, planned out, steamy hot romance. It was a bullshit night that I walked away from shaking my head about, judging him. judging myself. But honestly not really judging myself that much. I felt angry because it was a useless night and I shouldve shut it down, but I didnt beat myself up over it because it was over, I handled it, didnt enjoy it, didnt feel conflicted. It was like eating something you werent hungry for but you did because you didnt want to be rude and it was gross but you finished it and then felt fat afterwards so you punished yourself by going to the gym for an extra hour to make up for it.

I know that sex is different for you because you even held on to your KISSES as prized possessions.

But just because I dont do that doesnt make mine worth any less. I know myself. And I feel my heart steadily evolving and a kiss can be anything to me. It isnt JUST the utmost most precious kiss. A kiss can be a throw away. A hug can be a throw away. Its MY decision inside my heart and head and soul to decide what these things mean. If I kiss a perfect stranger I can choose to make it sexy, make it cute. I can choose to trick you. I know how to do that. I know what the moves look like.

But choosing to really mean it. I realize I've put myself in a very challenging position, setting myself up like this. Because how the hell would you be able to tell or believe if I mean it or not. When I'm capable of just giving you the illusion.

But thats where time comes in. Thats where getting to know someone comes in. Thats where you come in.

Because you have let me in from the start. Yes, it was easy. I presented myself as myself but breezier, probably. Because I was. I was on the road, away from home, feeling free. So thats how my soul presented itself. That is my favorite feeling, so I reflected it on the outside. Its like ... when you watch a horse running free and youre in awe and you feel so connected and youre attaching yourself to this animal and its soul that its showing you, but a week later you come by the ranch and the horse is in its stall. or its doing exercises with the ranch hands, around and around and around and it looks disenchanted. Is that not the same horse you were so bewitched by? it is. and You are a jerk for not remembering. Just because its not exactly how you remembered it doesnt mean thats not who it still is. and you are missing out if you walk away, saddened, thinking " i cant watch this, I cant see my horse like that. that is not my horse" and you leave, with that as your last impression. not believing that beautiful creature doesnt of COURSE want to be out in the field. that it doesnt OF COURSE want to feel the same beauty you want it to. OF. FUCKING. COURSE it does.

So dont walk away. Because its a sign that you dont believe it'll ever happen again. its giving up. its saying "bah, why bother". its choosing to do something else to suit yourself instead of sticking it out through uncomfortable or sad bits in order to be a part of something extraordinarily special again.

So.

I was easy to love.

And then I wasnt.

I brought on doubts to you. Issues with long distance. Quiet growing doubts about my unemployment. My motivation.

I should have stood up for myself on that sidewalk.

Because of course I have flaws. You dont think I know that? You dont think I dont already rip myself to shreds in my own head about flaws? The guy talking to me who has gone through depression himself, you cant bring yourself down again can you? youre choosing not to relate because maybe i remind you of yourself? Is that it?

I could just as easily have been embarrassed by you. I just as easily couldve been a gigantic cunt to you. About how youre throwing your time into a job you never talk about growing in. About how you dont have enough time to really make your band the way you want. And subsequently you spend all your day sweating at work and then all your night going to rehearsal and writing songs and then beating the shit out of yourself when neither of these things are fulfilling. your band is only just getting paid. you dont have time to make an internet impact. you dont let people get to know you on stage. what the hell am i sinking my teeth into if i cant even figure out what genre you are. try a different city. try a different crowd. try a different job.

and yet, Have I called you out on any of this? Have I chosen to make any of this about me? any sort of issue to bring up to make you fucking question yourself?

No. Because I have chosen to not consider these things flaws. these things are differences between you and I.

And I could fucking spin it easy as fuck into deep, profound character flaws in you.

But nope. I. LOVE. YOU. and I am making the CHOICE goddamnit to see them as DIFFERENCES and see the bright side of the coin. And make them character TRAITS that make you STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE.

Because I can. It is a strength in me, a choice to stay. A choice to not look for issues to pick apart.

Because you've shown me your glow, your magic. And I choose to see THAT. I choose to believe that those glorious quatlities in you come from struggle, confusion, depression, and they are the current in your river that pulses from the depths. and even if other shit is going on in the more shallow layers, the current is still there. Even if we've both forgotten or gotten bogged down by trivial things, or topical issues, or recent tragedies. Theyre challenges, these distractions. But I choose to know that the current is still the same in you. Its the guiding force.

I absolutely have huge character traits that confuse the hell out of me, and as time goes by its like a glacier ever so slowly carving out the valley that is me. Every so often a wonderful something will come and test you. Your love put an entirely different weight in my mind. You gave me the opportunity to reassess my social definition. I hadnt been able to really tell anyone "I'm seeing someone, sorry". I havent been able to let saying No guide me to more authentic Yes's.

I havent had a job for three years like you. I havent committed to a band like you.

but how dare you asshole stand on a sidewalk with me, saying "whats the last time youve made anything? whents the last time youve created something?"

"what have you done lately"

"what do you even do"

I should have hit you then. I really should have. Because, to me, it wouldve been justified because you threw the first punch. Right in my fucking face, with spit on your knuckles.

Our lives are extremely different and it reflects WAY MORE ON YOU than it does on me that you called me out like that. Fuck you.

It shows me youre afraid of me. It shows me that you think you're better than me, that you'll survive better than me because you think you work harder.

But the difference is I choose what to work on. It is a luxury. I do envy you so often that you have the grit to just work. juuuust work. I havent struggled and it is a missing part in me in that capacity. But. That does NOT mean I havent put myself out on a limb. That does NOT mean I havent tried new things. That does NOT mean I havent had to be creative, to go with less, to be uncomfortable, to be scared.

I am emotionally rich. I am emotionally creative. I am intellectually remarkable. I am adventurous. I have ingenuity. I am sensual. I experience my world, and further more, I go out to find it.

Do not judge me for not settling down in one city like you did. I have been in one place for ten years, made my mark, and am now traveling to see what makes its mark on ME.

I have been alone in countries where I do not know anyone, do not speak the language, and do not know the land. And I know you know this. And I know you probably dont like me for it because you havent or think that you cant.

But I think that you can. Its a choice. Maybe thats also why you dont see this relationship working. Because our idea of possibility is so vastly different.

I can do anything. I am free to do anything. I have chosen to not sink heavy into a job because I placed freedom at a higher priority.

But that does not mean that cant shift and change.

And you met me at a time when that was beginning to change. I lost touch with loving Philly. I was in the throes of realizing the friendships I thought I was making werent fruitful or beneficial. I was remaining unemployed because my family was struggling and I wanted to be able to go home if I had to. Which is something I'm still struggling with because what with Mom and everything, I shouldve gone home a fuck of a lot sooner.

I am struggling with losing my Mother. What I pray to be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. You have met me at the most absurd time in my life. Hopefully.

But, at least at the beginning, you chose to love me anyway. You chose to see my potential, see what I love about MYSELF. I was so excited you were seeing me as me, not as some random female body wandering around Philadelphia.

You listened to the words that were coming out of my mouth so I wanted to make them great ones. I wanted you to know ME. And you did, through spectacular magical ups, and then earth shatteringly painful lows.

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT COMES QUICKLY. I defy you to go fall in love with someone and see down the line that she's gonna come with her own set of flaws that will especially show themselves in times of trouble, anguish, and tragedy. And then you'll get to choose again, whether theyre worth sticking it out through. Whether theyre worth getting over. Whether her shine is something you believe in enough to sit the storm through with. To get hit with some lightning bolts because you know the sun's on the other side. Because you know she WANTS to shine for you. She wants to warm your heart. She wants to, even after her own world falls apart, to still help you heal yours.

That is what I am. That is how I feel. Because I am beautiful and I am fucked up and I am worth it.

And you are beautiful and you are fucked up and you are worth it.

But you have to know that bailing doesnt really make me feel super great.

It instills the defense mantra "Why should I fight for him if he doesnt fight for me?"

Which I'm sure you'd combat with "that is toxic and immature"

but we're all cavemen, (name omitted).

Its a basic choice. If anything, you'll go through phases of thinking everything has to be more elegant and complicated and elevated. But then you'll get old again and realize nope. nah.

Just love. Juuuuust love. Just shut up. Shut the fuck up and relax and feel it.

So the scary part about that though is what if you shut up and relax and then realize you dont love me... That you did and you wont forget but right now you simply dont and its over. Over enough to never return.

That parts the sucky part. But I'd rather know than not.

Because all of this cold shoulder stuff, or acting like you barely know me, not allowing any warm inflection in your voice when we speak, that versus the sigh, THAT sigh when you look at me and there are no words. you look in my eyes and your breath cant come out as just a normal exhale, it has to sigh its way out. and then you hold me so tightly against your body. Or when you let your guard down as my friend and we giggle and laugh and theres magic there that comes with holding someones hand without thinking about it. as effortless as blinking. you reach out and touch because its what youre meant to do. The up and down, hot and cold, barely talk then sweep me off my feet with expressions of wanting to grow old together. I cant handle the contrast. Because I want the latter, and when I get the former it feels like you hate me. Like youre teasing me. Like torture.  I wish I knew what you wanted. Then again you've already said you want space and time for yourself and that you cant love me with all this negativity. WELP BUSTER how about the fact that i'm still loving you despite the fact that youre doing this to me. that youre (in my opinion) irrationally angry at me for allowing flirtateous text messages to occur even though youre a zillion miles away and i have just lost the number one love in my life, My Mom. Youve got no interest in letting me fix that mistake. and then you bring up my one night stand that happened before all that. and i try to explain its insignificance. and that I CHOOSE TO SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU. MY WHOLE SELF. and the only way to continue to grow is to keep going forward and trying but it sounds like you dont want me to try. I know youre angry but I want you to have my fucking magic. No other idiot deserves it. Just one idiot. You.  

But yet you throw me under the bus ( about depression, about flirting, about not having a job)  instead of considering that my heart is broken and I'm still standing. Instead of considering softness and forgiveness and genuinely helping, you're scared and protecting yourself.

And you say YOU cant give me YOUR heart because of too much negativity?!?    I COULD JUST AS EASILY SAY THE SAME GOD DAMN THING ABOUT YOU.

I shouldve stood up for myself on that fucking sidewalk. I should've slapped you across your goddamn face. You know why I chose to let you be right, though? Because I was afraid if I was mean or harsh or fought back you wouldnt like it and you'd doubt yourself or itd hurt you. And instead of considering hurting you more or trying to make you the one in the wrong, I took it. I took it. I took your fucking emotional shame fest, let you smush me into the dirt. Because if you felt hurt by something I retorted with, what if you left? What if you really really left?  But at least I figured if I was 100% in the wrong then I could fight back and work my way back up. I didnt want you to think I was mad at you because often it seems like if you think I'm mad at you, you walk away or leave or get quiet because you think its what I want.   Even in bed, you'd ask me if i was okay and I said no so you rubbed my back and then soon after went to be closer to me or something and I shrugged or made some implication you took to mean "no" , so you rolled to the furthest reaches of the bed away from me. As if that was doing me a favor. When in fact its the complete opposite.

Which, again you'll retort by saying that i'm immature and its toxic la la la. All I want is you to reach out to me. To touch me. To speak to me. To say something. To show you care. That you think this is worth it. I

ts not something I'll need 100% forever. But I just went through the toughest shit ever losing my goddamn Mother so yea. Forgive me for needing some extra.

Forgive me for needing some extra attention and reassurance and if it doesnt come through from you I texted a friend and it came through from them. And I'm sorry. I know you think you dont have enough to go around right now. For work, for music, for yourself, for your social life, then for me. I'm another "project" as you so sweetly fucking put it that night. In the coldest voice ever. Beautiful golden brown eyes turned black with arms crossed.

It really is a challenge choosing to stay with someone who handles this situation the way you are. That discussion after sushi was unwarrantedly harsh and cold. I committed a human sin but I showed up to try and fix it. I dont think you give a fuck about trying to fix my opinion of you now. You are a cynical prick. Acting indifferent and blowing me off.  

texting me basic shit about your weekend plans, and i try to be enthusiastic but i feel like whenever i'm out or doing something and tell you about it, i always include "it'd be better if you were here" because thats how I feel. and I wonder if you ever feel that.

Your indifference gives me nothing to read from, nothing to glean warmth from. If I cant tell that you care, I'll assume that you dont. And I'll teach myself to not need it. I'll move forward.

How does it make you feel to think you'll never see me again?

Of course I'm still magic on my own.

Of course I know you'll be fine

I've just never had anything like this

and I'm not even close to interested in letting it go without a fight.

And it makes me sick thinking you are.

"you think your love for me is unhealthy" and i want to know why

i know youre looking into yourself and want time for yourself after jessica

but you didnt have to pursue me. if you didnt want it, if you wanted to focus on yourself you didnt have to pursue me. but you did.

Dont do anything youre going to regret. I am dissapointed at what I've learned about you from this. But it doesnt beat what I already knew, what I already loved. And I'm willing and interested in working it through. Because I’m beautiful, and I’m fucked up, and we’re worth it.