#i obviously don't like Henry and Catherine together

[fxnfiction]

FirstPrince Fic Recs!

In honour of our wonderful film coming out on the 11th of August (2 days can you believe!) I've compiled some of my favourite firstprince fanfics here. Happy reading!

-

The Earth Turns by smc_27 | 10k | E |

Four unconnected AUs, one each for every season.

-

I didn't know by clottedcreamfudge | 1k | E |

Blood is rushing in Henry's ears as he makes his way back to his room. It had been incredibly stupid of him to go in there; to be so foolish as to assume that anywhere in his home was safe for him anymore.

Because Alex - brash, bold, beautiful - is not safe, and he never has been. Never will be, frankly, where Henry is part of the equation. However you combine the two of them, the results are not promising.

Those glasses though.

-

The Beginner's Guide to Floristry by clottedcreamfudge | 20k | E |

As if there's anything romantic about it; as if it's not the most humiliating death Alex can imagine. This is why he doesn't do relationships. This is why he never will. The risk, as far as he fucking sees it, is too great.

Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease where the victim of unrequited or one-sided love begins to vomit or cough up the petals and flowers of a flowering plant growing in their lungs, which will eventually grow large enough to render breathing impossible.

-

Seven Years by LolaLand | 35k | E |

Seven different places, seven different timelines, seven different meetings, seven different Decembers.

And still, Alex and Henry find each other in every universe.

-

Camp Llwynywermod by bleedingballroomfloor | 56k | E |

The first night of camp with Henry is always weird. Weird in the sense that they haven’t seen each other in nearly eleven months, but Alex knows that Henry has been thinking about him in the months leading up to camp. Alex is guilty of it too; often the first thing he thinks of after applying to be a counselor is seeing Henry, Henry and his stupid blond hair and stupid English accent and stupidly gorgeous face, and thinking about just how he could outdo him in pranks this year.

Alternatively, the camp counselor AU that nobody asked for.

-

starry eyes sparking up my darkest night by coffeecatsme | 16k | T |

“Any time, son.”

This time, Alex knows it’s not a nickname.

Or, 5 times Arthur and Catherine act like Alex's family and 1 time they become one.

-

Abandon Ship by notcanoncompliant | 28k | E |

Alex has been blindly following his mother's word for most of his life, and she's carved him into a damn good pirate. But, something has been itching at him lately, and he needs to get off this ship to see it through. What if there’s another option for him? What if he could do something good with his life, for once?

When he recognises the, ridiculously beautiful, Prince of England on a Royal Navy vessel, he jumps at the opportunity to ransom him back to the crown and escape to find out. Because that’s what a good person does. Obviously.

-

the home that i've wanted to make by buildyourfences | 21k | E |

Alex has hated Henry since the first week of law school. When they get partnered in the civil rights appeals clinic they're forced to work together. And maybe fall in love along the way.

-

Déjame Ver Cómo Es Que Floreces by 14carrotgold | 12k | T |

Oscar gets in close and bluntly asks, “Earlier. In the bathroom. Did you do it?”

Alex scoffs, “No. Don't be a perv. Why would you wanna know that anyway?”

Oscar rolls his eyes. “Mind out of the gutter, chamaco. Did you propose?”

Ah.

Henry is introduced to the extended Diaz side of the family at their matriarch's birthday. Shenanigans (and romance and feelings) ensue.

-

thank you for loving me by demigodbeautiies | 2k | E |

The first thing he realises when colour is breathed back into the world is that his entire body is trembling.

-

Truth by cmere | 22k | E |

Alex always does this, hauls every base fucking instinct that Henry has out into the open between them, plain for both to see. And every time it happens, Henry expects him to laugh it off or give him a hard time, but instead he just encourages it with soft, pliant lips and greedy fingers until Henry gives in to himself and his desires. Alex has never made him feel bad, or odd, or disgusting, always treats him with the utmost patience and care.

Henry loves him so fucking much.

It's just past midnight on Alex's birthday and he's going to get what he wants. Which is, of course, to give Henry what he wants.

-

Never Did Run Smooth by clottedcreamfudge | 67k | E |

"You and me? Best friends. Stellar. Love that for us. But we could absolutely fake being in love. Dating. Whatever. I know literally everything about you—" (No you don't, Henry thinks firmly) "—and you know everything about me. We would absolutely fucking annihilate the other contestants.”

"You're too drunk to apply," Henry points out, like he himself isn't about as wasted as it's possible for him to be without curling up and going immediately to sleep. "I doubt you could spell your own name right on the application. Or mine."

Alex grins and pulls something up on his phone; it looks like it takes him a few tries. "Wanna fucking bet?"

Or: Henry's life is a comedy of errors; a patchwork of oopsie-daisies; a quilt stitched together with hauntingly terrible mistakes. And at the centre of it all is his best friend, Alex Claremont-Diaz; director of said comedy, threading together his oopsie-daisies into a flower crown, rolling around in the quilt of his own making, and this analogy is going to shit because Henry's so in love with him he wants to die.

-

Nova, Baby by chamel | 67k | E |

Agent Henry Fox-Mountchristen is an asshole.

Alex is 90% sure those exact words are going in this mission report. Yeah, they’re supposed to be objective when writing this shit up, but that isn’t his opinion. It’s a fact.

(CIA agent Alex Claremont-Diaz and MI6 agent Henry Fox-Mountchristen don’t exactly get along, but that doesn’t keep their respective agencies from insisting they work together as partners. Then a mission in Colombia changes everything, and their relationship begins to shift and grow into something that neither of them ever expected… and something that could have deadly consequences.)

Enjoy! Send me your recs or let me know if you liked this list! I'm heyitsafrog over on ao3 and I'm trying to comment more because I appreciate our fanfic writers so much :)

[myyoungroyalsblog]

Red, White and Royal Blue fic rec part 2 (part 1)

*Note: I have a lot of unfinished fics in my subscriptions but since there are over 120+ fics there from other fandoms too I won’t be able to add those, when they are finished I’ll do another post in the future!

*Also couldn't find some of these writers here on tumblr, if you know tell me and I’ll add their @ beside it!

MULTI-CHAPTER

Things I Cannot Accept

18 chapters, 69.703 words

By @sprigsofviolets AU where Ellen lost the election in 2016 and Henry and Alex reconnect in 2019. Super cute and interesting story, with a lot of fluff and angst, amazingly written!

Captious (calculated to confuse, entrap or entangle in argument)

3 chapters, 14.256 words

Blind date AU... Well... Sort of... You'll know when you read it hehe but honestly so so sweet with a bit of angst but so much fluff!

My Only Wish (This Year)

7 chapters, 26.374 words

By @dracowillhearaboutthis AU where Henry marries a woman and has two daughters, set 10 years later and Alex and Henry reconnect, and maybe a romance blooms... Of course it does lol very cute kid fic (with a bit of angst too) but still lots of fluff!

Comfort Crowd

8 chapters, 12.098 words

To all the boys I've loved before AU, I don't like the film but since I'm such a sucker for these two of course I read it and got obsessed with it afajsgshsvsg

And they call it—

2 chapters, 10.148 words

By @clottedcreamfudge AU where Alex can talk to animals, so when Henry needs a dog sitter he goes to Alex, and he and David obviously talk about Henry. So funny and fluffy, guaranteed to make you smile!

(do i really have to tell you) how he brought me back to life?

7 chapters, 38.498 words

By @coffeecatsme High school AU where Henry gets kicked out by Mary and lives with Alex's family. A whole lot of angst and a whole lot of fluff, just a superb story!

I'm Taking A Ride With My Best Friend

23 chapters, 79.302 words

By @cultofsappho The Last of Us AU where Henry is immune and Alex helps him get to the fireflies in hopes to create a vaccine. If you've watched the tv show or played the game, you know how this goes lol could not recommend it enough, so much angsty but has fluffy moments too! And the writing is impeccable

i'd lie

6 chapters, 18.058 words

AU where Alex and June move to England with thier mum and have the Fox family as their neighbours, we see the super six throughout the years and how Henry lies might not work anymore... If you want angst, this is the fic for you

ONE SHOT

talk too much

3.307 words

By @lazybug16 Alex has his wisdom teeth removed and Henry takes care of him, just fluff fluff fluff, super adorable (yes self promo because I'm very proud of this fic, I love it)

I trace your constellations

13.498 words

Soulmates, coffee shops and demi Henry AU, just pure flirting and fluff, suuuuuuper cute read!

Never Truly Leave

2.443 words

By @clottedcreamfudge Catherine finds a letter that Arthur wrote... To Alex. We cry alongside Alex as he reads it; very emotional, it will make you cry, and fall in love with these characters all over again, could not recommend enough

you knew the entire time (you knew that i'm a mastermind)

8.239 words

By @coffeecatsme Uni and autistic Henry AU, we see Alex and Henry fall in love. Fluffy but also a bit of angst, you just want to protect Henry and tell him everything is going to be okay

starry eyes sparking up my darkest nights

16.367 words

By @coffeecatsme Hugh school AU where Arthur is also alive and becomes like a second father to Alex. Very very sweet with a bit if angst as well, you'll love it and might have a few happy tears towards the end

learning to love (without it having to hurt)

4.861 words

AU where they aren't famous and they are roommates. We see Henry figure out his asexuality and Alex be there for him, and them getting together of course :) very very sweet read!

The last letter

2.173 words

By @floatingaway4 They are in the afterlife, at peace. This weiter managed to combine angst and fluff at the exact same time and I don't know how they did it, it will make you ugly happy cry!

Fourty-Four Days

8.675 words

They are living in the Brownstone when Henry needs to go to europe for the shelters and Alex to California for a campaign, and they end up not seeing each other for 44 days, and it's too much. Angsty but then fluffy, it just hurts seeing them miss each other so so much

take me out, and take me home

11.837 words

Roommates AU and we see Alex get some feelings, only friendly feelings of course... Really cute story and ending!

i’d take the bomb in your head and disarm it

22.392 words

By @evanbuvkley roommates AU and friends to angsty friends to lovers afahsgsjshdj so much angst that you might cry but a bit of fluff too (happy ending don't worry) such an engaging story, very well executed

and I wrote down our song

6.072 words

AU where Alex is a musician and Henry isn't a prince and they meet at a bar where Alex is performing. Super cute and we see how they fall in love and grow and it's just full of joy!

Group therapy

3.243 words

By @stutteringpeach AU where Ellen is Henrys therapist and he is dating Alex and talks to Ellen about their relationship, without knowing that it's actually his boyfriends mum... They "meet" at a family cook out and its honestly hilarious lmao you will not stop laughing

[howtosingit]

Some good/bad/ugly (but not super ugly, I'm not a dick about it) thoughts on RWRB. Obvious spoilers.

The Good:

The cake. Different from the book in a few ways but so damn good and a really strong beginning for the film. Also, watch through the credits for a tiny post-credit cake moment.

Alex and Henry messaging back and forth and talking on the phone at the beginning. A perfect way to translate that to the screen, taking advantage of the visual medium. I laughed out loud multiple times during the segment and just really enjoyed watching it.

Zahra. All of her scenes. So good. Dare I say her relationship with Alex was the most developed in the film? Maybe. It was certainly my favorite.

The polo match was a lot of fun, too. Though brief, it was very much in-line with what was on the page and that was satisfying to watch.

The King. He's a very different character than Queen Mary and by casting Stephen Fry and refocusing the moment, it became layered and interesting. An implied foil for Henry. Probably one of the better changes from the book.

The Bad:

Nora and Bea don't have a lot to do. Nora certainly gets a little lost after the first part of the film, though she’s around. Bea doesn't really mean anything until the last half of the film. Neither of them really have any of the depth that their book counterparts had, which is a shame since they're so great on the page.

Percy (because I'm pretty sure he is never referred to as Pez in the film) is an absolutely nothing character. Surprised he wasn't cut, but they clearly wanted Henry to have a counterpart to match Alex's Nora. But he actually gets nothing at all to do.

Alex and Henry's Christmas phone call is gone, and they only really have one big moment of vulnerability before New Year's (the hospital closet), which kind of makes the big kiss feel unearned. They're definitely friendly by New Year's, so that's something.

We're told a lot about the cages that Alex and Henry find themselves in, but they're never clearly defined in the film (it's very tell, don't show), which makes the stakes of them breaking out to be together feel lower, at least to me. I wish we saw a little bit more of the world that they inhabit so that we could understand the risks, but instead it's all summarized in TV segments.

For me, Alex and Henry never really feel fully-realized, especially Henry, who doesn't get his big moments until the later half of the film. It's a shame, but none of their moments of sincerity felt truly earned. I don't know, there was some kind of barrier between me and them for the entire film, I struggled to feel for them outside of "oh that's cute" or "oh that's sad" or "oh how nice."

The Ugly (or, more accurately, things that still don't sit right with me 15 hours later):

Miguel. Oh, boy. I really, really don't understand the choice to include this original character. From the very beginning it's just very... what? And why? All of the leak and antagonism of the leak, instead of being contributed to the white conservative Republican was instead placed on a queer Latiné man with no depth and I'm just... so very very confused by this choice. Obviously it was to streamline a lot of the backstory and details of how the leak came to happen, but my god... I really don't even know. I don't know if Matthew will ever talk about his choices for this character, but I'd really like to hear them. Also, he's not Liam or Rafael Luna, not even close. A pity that comparison was even made at any point during promo because it's 100% not true.

We get maybe 3 mentions of Arthur, no sight of Catherine. In fact, while Catherine is an absent mother, it's not attributed to her grief at all, but more just that she'd rather be anywhere else than by her children? And Henry and Bea are both very resentful of that fact. And I was like... why are we doing that to Catherine? She doesn't deserve that writing.

So after the leak, we get the communications lockdown which makes it impossible for Alex and Henry to speak to each other. But the film decided to have Alex make his big public speech during that time, without having Henry by his side or without him even talking to Henry about it first, and I found that really really upsetting. That was one of my favorite parts of the book, that Alex got to Henry as quickly as he could and then they walked through the whole situation together, side-by-side, as a team, both consenting to the everything after their consent was ripped away from them because of the leak. The film didn't give them that and I really didn't like it at all.

I mean, there were other things, too (the big sex scene was in Paris and happened way too early in my opinion - not because of the sex itself, just how it was framed), but I'm really not interested in picking the film apart. It's an okay film. It's not a terrible way to spend 2 hours. All in all, it feels like a solid summary of the book with glimpses at a lot of the book moments that we love. That doesn't make it a bad film, just a straightforward, simple one. It was made to be palatable for a general audience and that's fine. There's a deeper and more complex story here, which we know from the book, but this film wasn't the place to tell it. It tells a version of it, and it does an okay job at it.

(But, like, I'll take a 5-6 episode mini-series one day so that we can get the fully complex Henry backstory and screen time that he deserves to have.)

Also, Taylor Zakhar Perez's bare ass is a 10 out of 10, would recommend. There will be plenty of gifs of that in the next day or two, and no one will be complaining about it.

Oh, the opening credits were cute too and had an early-2000s rom-com vibe, which was great!

[bethanydelleman]

Asks about my OTPs

Pick your top 10 OTPs without reading the questions, then answer the questions after you've made your list (I will do my top 10 Austen OTPs)

Catherine Morland & Henry Tilney

Fanny Price & Henry Crawford

Elizabeth Bennet & Fitzwilliam Darcy

Harriet Smith & Robert Martin

Caroline Bingley & Sir Walter Elliot

Elinor Dashwood & Edward Ferrars

Marianne Dashwood & Colonel Brandon

Emma Woodhouse & Jane Fairfax

Eleanor Tilney & her laundry Viscount

Sir Walter & Himself

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6? – When Edward comes to Barton and makes fun of Marianne's love of dead trees.

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2? – Yes, my favourite is Fanny: A Mansfield Park Story by Amelia Marie Logan, and I've written severa, including one full length novel.

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver? – Nope! Always my kids these days.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be? – This actually happens in FF quite a lot, people are always killing off Brandon early into the marriage and leaving Marianne with a baby. It makes me sad, let Brandon be happy! He's only 37 when they marry he probably has another 20 years at least! (Honestly, since Brandon has survived to his age, Marianne actually has a higher chance of passing away since she's the one making babies).

5. Why is 1 so important? – Because they are so uncomplicated and happy. Just two very cute people making a cute marriage and I would defend their ship to the ends of the earth.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship? – Um, it's a whole joke that Austen didn't reveal a new character because the new viscount made a laundry list that Catherine found. But I love Eleanor so much that I do seriously want her to be happy.

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry? – Henry & Catherine, Harriet & Robert I think? I may be a bad judge of "chemistry".

8. Out of all your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond? – Elinor & Edward, I'm always surprised how sure they are of the other's love in spite of of all the obstacles.

9. How many times have you read/watched the 10’s fandom? - I honestly don't know at this point, I read Persuasion once as a teenager and I didn't like it but I LOVED Sir Walter. I've watched all the adaptations (including 1971) and I've read/listened to the book multiple times now.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest? – Sir Walter & himself obviously, that's been going strong for 54 years. I hope it continues until his death at 93. All the others are new pairings.

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up? – The only Austen couple to break up and get back together is Anne & Wentworth, so zero for Elinor & Edward.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8? – Huh, Fanny & Henry or Emma & Jane? They both have a sickly member, which is not great for their odds... Emma is smart but often distracted which would be really bad but Jane is a devoted learner.... Henry would "improve" his estate with zombie moats... I'm voting for both Fanny and Emma don't make it and Henry Crawford & Jane Fairfax find their second true pairing together.

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason? – Colonel Brandon is attempting to hide his regard out of respect for Marianne and that's why I love him so much.

14. Is 4 still together? – Yes, eating walnuts and petting "her" little cow. Man they are cute!

15. Is 10 canon? – Yep! Though a bunch of the others aren't

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win? – I'm going to put my money on Colonel Brandon, who will do anything to save Marianne. He would be the Katniss and she is the Peeta.

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship? – Yes, Mr. Elliot has been trying to prevent Sir Walter from marrying again so he can inherit the baronetcy. He almost succeeds!

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond? –  Catherine Morland and Henry Tilney, they are the only couple I can't bring myself to break up in fan fiction.

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page? – Um, none? I end up seeing Elizabeth & Darcy stuff no matter what, I have tags on the lesser known Austen characters.

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink? – That is hard because these are my favourite, but I guess Emma can marry boring Knightley instead of having a torrid enemies-to-lovers affair with Jane Fairfax...

I'm not big on chain letters. Thank you @firawren for the tag, if anyone wants to try go ahead!

[anticomedygarden]

England's got a new queen! part 2

part one | ao3 link

-

When Alex wakes up, it is to an empty bed and the sounds of running water.

"Hen?" he calls, voice groggy. "What're you doin'?"

His gorgeous boyfriend walks out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth, dressed in a white t-shirt and black boxers. His bed head is off the charts - apparently, princes don't have to immediately make themselves up when they're on vacation. "Brushinteeth," he slurs around the toothbrush.

Alex's half asleep brain struggles to decide whatever the hell Henry just said. "Huh?"

Henry ducks back into the bathroom and spits. "Sorry. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep."

Alex nods. "What time is it?"

"7:30."

A snort springs from Alex's mouth. "God, we're so bad at this." Even David was still asleep in his travel doggy bed on the other side of the room.

Henry finishes in the bathroom and climbs over Alex to kneel at his side in bed. "It's not our fault we've never done this before."

His breath is minty fresh when Alex kisses him. "We really haven't done this before," he realizes.

They've gone on vacation before, but that's always short weekend trips with some kind of schedule, or it's to the lake house where they relax, sure, but also try to cram in as much fun as possible.

Alex thinks the last time he went on a chill vacation like this was when his parents were still together. He can't even imagine how long it's been for Henry.

"As long as we're both up," Henry starts, "what do you want to do today?"

Alex pushed himself up onto an elbow. "I figured we could hit the trails, get some fresh air." It is what they came out here to do, after all.

Plus, it might distract him from the weird feeling he still has.

Everything's fine.

Probably.

Henry kisses the corner of his mouth. "That sounds great, darling."

-

When June wakes, it is to the sound of someone aggressively banging at her door.

She groans and rubs her eyes. It is too damn early.

"Come on, I know you're awake," her best friend yells through her door. "Let me in."

Slowly, she swings her legs over the side of her bed and pushes herself to standing. As she opens the door, she realizes she actually has no idea what time it is.

Then, when she sees Nora standing in front of her with an open laptop, the previous day comes rushing back to her.

God. She needs to call Pez. She needs call Bea. Lord, she can't even imagine what Bea is going through right now.

She needs to know that her brother and his boyfriend are safe.

She needs to know what the hell is going on.

Is it too much to hope that Catherine will be taking up the mantle come next week?

That probably sounds horrible, she thinks, but June had long ago stopped feeling bad about wanting Queen Mary out of the picture. Beyond what she's done to her own family, there are millions of families across the world suffering from her policies while she sits under a crown of stolen jewels on a throne of genocide and imperialism.

Based on general principle, that technically means Catherine isn't much better, but at least Catherine doesn't still believe in the purity of the Crown. She already has ideas in place to minimize their involvement in foreign affairs and start flipping the Tory run government. It's only a matter of time until she gets to implement them.

She brings her attention back to Nora. "What do you want?"

Nora breezes into June's bedroom and plops herself down on the bed, gesturing for June to come sit next to her. She does.

"I've been up since five doing a deep dive into British news," Nora says, because of course she has. "Obviously, everybody is covering the Queen and all that, so that was a dead end. What I did find through the comments, though, were a lot of people who hate the Queen. Like, a fuckton. She is not as popular as she thinks she is." Nora does something on her laptop. "From there, I narrowed the list down to people who live in the area and could plausibly have access to the Queen and figured out which of those people have actively participated in hate online such as chat groups."

June just sits there, blinking at her. She hasn't even brushed her teeth yet. She is not ready to hear all this.

Nevertheless, she says, "And?"

Nora spins the laptop to face her. "I found dozens of people. Seriously, people hate her, but what did we expect, you know?" Nora shrugs.

"Then why did you come banging into my room at-" she glances at her phone "-eight in the morning?"

"I wanted a second opinion."

June does a double take. "Oh?"

"Do you have any ideas on how else I might this person who may or may not exist?"

June thinks for a moment. "You could find the ones with violent pasts?"

Nora shakes her head. "With the way she's dying, it wouldn't be violent."

June throws her hands up in the air. "I'm out. Ask me again in an hour."

With that, she walks into the bathroom to finally begin her morning.

-

Alex shuffles the map in his hands, attempting to figure out where the hell they are, and realizes he hasn't had to look at a map since grade school.

"Let me see," Henry says.

"Did they teach cartography in prince school?" Alex asks even as he eagerly trades the map for the dog leash.

"Yes, actually."

"Of course they did."

While Henry studies the map, Alex takes a minute to look around. They haven't actually left the grounds around their cabin yet, so the scenery is mostly just trees and some rocks with a small campfire setting about 15 feet from the cabin. The cabin itself is a quaint little building, made of wood and looking almost exactly like a cabin one would see in a movie. There's even a chimney.

Henry turns around and points to a spot on the map. "We're right here. We want to get right here." He points to a different spot, presumably the top of the mountain. "The path goes through here." He drags his finger around the middle of the map.

"How long is that?" Alex asks.

"About 3 miles, so six altogether."

That's not too bad. He's been on runs longer than that.

"Kay, Cash, we're gonna head out," he shouts over to the bodyguard who is relaxing in a folding chair, sunglasses obscuring half his face.

"Have fun."

Alex turns back to Henry, water and snacks in his backpack clinking, and they start walking through the trees. He takes note of the time, 9:17.

Thankfully, the air up here isn't too hot yet, and Alex breathes it in. It's nice and crisp.

"This is nice," Henry says. "Better than the city."

"Yeah, I can't even smell any urine out here," Alex notes.

"Right, I forgot, that's how the niceness of cities is ranked. By the strength of the urine smell."

"Maybe it should be."

They keep going, incline riding steadily. At some point, the have to stop for David to poop, and Alex notes another advantage of being this far away from civilization: they don't have to worry about cleaning up dog shit.

Eventually, the trees give way to the rocks they were promised when they booked the cabin, and the incline gets noticeably steeper.

"Shit," Henry gasps as a rock shifts under his foot.

Alex would agree if he could speak.

He vaguely hears the sound of a creek and wonders how bad it would be to jump in fully clothed and attempt to swim to the top of the mountain, because this whole thing has really just turned into a game of how hard can he clench his thighs, abs, and ass?

Finally, Alex manages to gasp out, "Wait, I think David needs a break."

The dog in question looks back at him with his tongue lolling out from where he is gracefully hopping up rocks like he was made for it.

"Right," Henry pants, stopping immediately. "He has - little legs." Then, he collapses on his back across the rocks, limbs askew, breathing hard. David trots over to him and wags his tail.

"I didn't think," Alex starts, "that it would be-this hard." He crouches down until his knees hit the ground, then clumsily lifts the water bottle out of his bag. They sit in silence for a bit as they drink, and he fills up David's little portable dog dish.

"How far have we gone?" Alex asks once his breathing stops sounding like an asthma attack. The air really is thin up here. If only his blood would regenerate faster.

Now would be a really bad time to find out one of them is a carrier of sickle cell disease.

There's a shuffling sound of paper moving. "About 2 miles, I think."

Alex groans and wipes the sweat off his forehead. "There's still a whole nother mile of this?"

"Mhm."

"Ugh." He rises to his feet unsteadily. "Let's get going, then."

They slowly but surely start making their way up the mountain again, crossing rocks, a small stream, and even more rocks. At some point, Alex thinks he sees the top, but it turns out to be a small crest.

He checks his watch. 11:05. They've been at it for nearly two hours.

His three mile runs don't even take an hour. How is this possible?

"Doesn't Oscar do this sort of thing all the time?" Henry asks. His left is right against his side.

"I don't think the skill is genetic, babe." He really hopes Henry is done asking questions because he doesn't think he can keep answering.

"I was wondering if he gave you any tips on hiking in the mountains before you left."

"No," Alex gasps. "He didn't."

They don't talk much after that.

Finally, fucking finally, they reach the top of the mountain.

It is absolutely gorgeous.

Tan rocks cascade down a steep slope into a tree lined canyon, and multicolored foliage dots the hillside. The stream is even visible from where they are, and it cuts a pretty blue line through the greenery.

The thin air and exertion aren't what's taking his breath away anymore.

He turns around to see Henry bent over with his hands on his knees, and he hopes his poor boyfriend gets to appreciate this view at some point today because there is no way in hell they are doing this again before they leave in three days.

"Babe, come look."

Henry groans but trudges over, grabbing Alex's hand on the way. Alex isn't sure if it's because Henry needs the support or out of love, but either way, Alex enjoys it.

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Henry says after a moment.

"Yeah," Alex agrees. "I think it's worth the walk."

"We still have to go back down, darling."

"Fuck."

-

A few hours later, June and Nora are once again in her bedroom, this time Nora scrolling through her Twitter feed while June attempts to draft a speech addressing the Queen's death.

"Nick Cannon says he's sorry to hear about Queen Mary," Nora says. "And Fox News thinks she had a heart attack after walking in on Henry and Alex fucking."

June snorts and opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted by her phone. "Pez is face timing."

"Ooh." Nora sits up and scoots closer to June so that she can see the screen.

The moment June presses answer, Pez says, "Hello, darling. What the hell is going on?"

June laughs. "You tell me, babe."

His blond hair is brighter than the sun behind him when he says, "Well, it seems to me that my best friend and your brother have run off at the worst possible time. Other than that, I don't know, because you are the first person to answer the phone since yesterday."

June winces. "Sorry. It's been pretty crazy."

"It's alright, darling," Pez says. He shifts, revealing the London skyline; he must be on his apartment's balcony. "I'm actually more worried for our royal friends for once."

June can't help but agree as the media dredges up every bit of Queen Mary's past amidst what will probably be her final days. It's almost a good thing Henry and Alex aren't here to see it, and June is thankful that Bea has such a good attitude toward her past because the media is not pulling punches.

"Hey, how is London right now?" Nora asks.

Pez grimaces. "See for yourself."

The camera flips around, and then June is seeing a giant mural splashed on the building across from Pez's of Queen Mary's face.

June gasps. "Dear god, that's horrifying."

"Imagine what it was like waking up to it," Pez says as he switches the camera back to selfie mode. "There's another thing."

His tone darkens enough that it makes June nervous. "What?"

"Well, I also woke up to a lovely letter in my mailbox explaining just how detrimental I am to the royal family. I've already sent it to security, but I wonder how it got to me in the first place." He doesn't look particularly upset about it, but June certainly is. His address isn't even pubic information, and all of his mail is supposed to go through security.

Suddenly, she's hit with an idea. "Hey, what if you came here?"

Pez looks up, but Nora beats him to it. "That's a good idea, actually. We have more security, and it would cut out part of the communication problem."

"Not that I wouldn't love to stay with you, but that's a bit of an overreaction. I get hate mail all the time-"

"But never when the reigning monarch might've been poisoned," June counters. "I'll go ask Mom." She hands the phone to Nora and walks out of the room in search of her mother.

She finds her in the Oval Office working on something or other because apparently the country doesn't stop just because someone might be trying to kill them.

"Hey, Mom, I have a question." It strikes her suddenly that she is essentially about to ask her mother if her boyfriend can stay over. It's about ten years too late, but it's kind of nice to finally have that normal teenage experience since her mother wasn't exactly around enough for that to happen back then.

Ellen looks up. "Yes, sugar?"

"Can Pez come over? He got some weird hate mail, and because of all this Queen Mary stuff, I'm just worried-"

"Yes, honey, Pez can come over," Ellen says. "Just make sure security knows."

"Thanks, Mom." She turns around to go back to her room, hoping Nora and Pez haven't hung up yet.

She finally has good news.

-

The second they're back in the cabin, Alex flops on the floor in the little foyer. "Ahh."

Henry toes Alex's side. "As much as I want to lay down and think about nothing but my burning calves, we must check for ticks and shower."

"Fuck ticks," Alex grumbles. "My blood is boiling; they'll all fall off within the hour."

"Alex." It can only be described as a whine, yet Alex recognizes the tone of stop making this hard thing harder. He is very familiar.

"Ugh. Fine." Painfully, he pushes himself up to standing and puts his arms above his head. "Undress me."

Henry gives him an unimpressed look. "We are both far too tired and sore for that."

"If you undress me, I'll check the dog for ticks," Alex offers.

Eventually, they manage to scour theirs and the dog's skin for ticks and move into the bathroom to shower. When they finally collapse in bed at - 5:30, jesus christ - Alex lets out a relieved sigh. "We should've stayed with Cash and fallen asleep in a lawn chair."

Henry chuckles, then groans. "My abs hurt."

"Baby, everything below my neck feels like it was deep fried." They both laugh for as long as their tired muscles allow it.

Then, Henry rolls over to look at Alex. "I did legitimately have fun today, despite the...horrors."

"Yeah, I'm glad we came out here." Alex grins. "Now, who's gonna go get the ibuprofen?"

Henry groans.

[novelmonger]

I watched every* Northanger Abbey adaptation so you don't have to

*Does not include written, audio, or theatrical adaptations. Excludes works that are merely "inspired by" Northanger Abbey, but not actual adaptations. Also I didn't watch the Spanish TV movie, because I wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.

Northanger Abbey (1987) starring Katharine Schlesinger and Peter Firth

Reasonably faithful adaptation (if you don't count the soundtrack, which sometimes veers into very '80s territory with saxophone and...was that an electric guitar?)

While all the actors are decent enough, none of them have a smidge of chemistry with each other.

Props for showing bits of 19th-century life we don't normally see in such adaptations, e.g. sedan chairs and the actual public bath of Bath (which seems to be more-or-less historically accurate?)

Everything feels rushed and smushed together, which is ironic because it's actually a couple minutes longer than the 2007 movie, which doesn't suffer from the same problem.

Absolutely terrible casting. Peter Firth was nowhere near charming and witty enough to be Henry Tilney, even if he is the only one out of all these versions to actually get to say his best line (the "intolerably stupid" one) in full. He comes across as such a serious, judgmental man that it's hard to understand what Catherine sees in him. And Robert Hardy is an excellent actor, but completely the wrong choice for General Tilney. He looks far too jolly, and works much better as Sir John in Sense and Sensibility, or even Cornelius Fudge in Harry Potter.

Kudos to them for finding a Katharine to play Catherine.

Wishbone s02 ep09 "Pup Fiction" (1997)

Obviously very truncated because they had to fit it into a half-hour children's show with a real-world framing story

They basically cut out all the marriage drama stuff and focus more on not letting your imagination run away with you.

Whether you enjoy it or not will mostly depend on whether you like Wishbone in general. (Personally, I'm ambivalent.)

Northanger Abbey (2007) starring Felicity Jones and J.J. Feild

The most watchable version (best acting, production value, faithfulness of adaptation, etc.)

Felicity Jones is perhaps "too pretty" to be Catherine, who is supposed to be rather plain, but she's very easy on the eyes and does an excellent job at portraying Catherine's wide-eyed wonder and naivety.

J.J. Feild is the perfect Henry Tilney. Suave, charming, with a cheerful twinkle in his eye as often as not, it's so clear to see why Catherine falls for him, as well as why he becomes so attracted to her way of assuming the best of everyone. Alas, he doesn't get to say the wonderful line about those who don't read novels being "intolerably stupid," but he shines in all the scenes where he teases Catherine. I also think he did the best job at portraying the gentleness mixed in with the anger when he rebukes her for assuming the worst of his father.

Excellent casting for most, if not all, of the supporting characters. Liam Cunningham makes for a very intimidating General Tilney, William Beck is exactly what John Thorpe should be, and Carey Mulligan, though I will always see her first as Ada Clare from Bleak House, was the perfect choice for Isabella.

The biggest downside to this adaptation is that some of Catherine's dreams and imaginings are rather sexual in tone. If memory serves, she even has a dream where we see her from behind, standing completely naked in front of a man. It's unnecessary and adds a strange sort of voyeuristic note to the movie that I didn't appreciate.

We get to see more of Catherine's siblings, which is very fun.

Does the best job at capturing the satirical tone of the novel, mostly through music and the narrator

Northbound webseries (2015-2016) by Oh For Cute! Productions

Of the two (yes, two) modern-day adaptations on YouTube, I think this one did the best job at capturing the essence of the novel. It's set forth as the vlog of Catherine Morland, a girl heading out from Fullerton, Virginia, to New York City. Instead of Northanger Abbey, she goes to North College in NYC, where she meets Henry and Eleanor, then finds out that their father is a history professor, and decides to take a class from him.

All the videos are fairly short, so it's kind of impressive how easily a coherent story can be told through them. Due to the format of the series and it being an indie production, the audio/video quality is fairly low and the actors aren't exactly Hollywood-tier (some better than others). But it kind of lends a sense of authenticity to the series, like it really is just a vlog by some random girl relating her adventures in New York.

Catherine is cute and pretty, but in a normalish sort of way that I think is very fitting for her character. She's very relatable. I wasn't sure about Henry at first, but he has a certain "dashing heartthrob" quality about him, and a great sense of humor, that are very fitting for the character. A lot of the characters are very relatable or feel like people I've met in real life, especially because of the modern setting.

Worth noting: In this adaptation, James Morland is Jamie Morland, Catherine's sister. She still has a romance with Isabella, and has much more of a presence in the story than James does in the original.

Oh my gosh the modern-day version of John Thorpe is so creepy and ick. It put the character in perspective so well for a modern audience, more so than scenes of him tearing through the streets in his fancy carriage or whatever. Like...I knew a guy in college exactly like him, though thankfully his attentions weren't turned on me *shudder*

The chemistry was really good between all the actors, so even when some of the lines felt a little too scripted, it was super believable that these people would be friends (or what have you).

I absolutely 100% want to be in Catherine's friend group (after the end, when the Thorpes are no longer around). They're all such lovely people, and seem fun to hang around.

The Cate Morland Chronicles webseries (2016) by Apple Juice Productions

Unlike Northbound, this one has Catherine in her twenties, trying to figure out how to be an adult while also being a huge nerd. Cate is running a vlog, but it's a bit more "official," because she runs a fan blog for, among other things, the cult classic TV show The Mysteries of Udolpho. She gets a job as a journalist, and continues the vlog for work. Shortly after she gets her new job, she has the opportunity to interview Henry Tilney, the actor for one of the lead roles in Udolpho. They're immediately and obviously attracted to each other, and the story evolves from there.

The setup for this series was much less relatable than Northbound, even though the characters talk about various fandoms (real as well as the fictional Udolpho show). I mean, many of us have gone through struggles like the Northbound Catherine, trying to find our way as adults and as college students. But how many of us have been journalists who have the chance to interview our teenage movie crush? And then fall in love with them for real? And end up in a relationship with them? And have it all captured on video and put up on YouTube for the world to see? It broke my suspension of disbelief more than once in that respect.

While the camera and mic quality was better than Northbound, the Cate Morland Chronicles generally seemed to have a lower quality of actors. Cate was probably the best, and Henry was pretty good too. But a lot of the supporting actors just didn't feel natural - especially James and Eleanor, I thought. It was like the difference between a high school play and a college play.

Probably as a result of the acting itself not being the best, a lot of times the chemistry between characters suffered. This was especially a problem between Cate and Henry. There were a lot of videos where I found it hard to buy that they were falling in love. The best ones by far were the road trip videos.

Oh yeah, and they had Henry and Eleanor not be siblings for some reason? She's his publicist instead. And yet they're super close, so that Eleanor can go along to Henry's house with him and Cate, and so they can preserve that fake-out moment when Cate first meets her and thinks Eleanor is Henry's girlfriend or something. So they had to have this whole thing where Eleanor explains that they have a brother-sister relationship, when everything would have been so much easier to explain if they'd just...actually been siblings, like they are in the original.

This is more subjective, but I found Cate to be kind of annoying at times. I just found her to be less likeable than the Northbound Catherine, kind of exhausting actually. I think she had a bit too strong of a personality to be Catherine Morland. To put it in Northanger Abbey terms, she actually seems to be perfectly set up to be the heroine.

Hopefully this information will help you decide which, if any, adaptations you want to pursue yourself.

[petrichoraline]

I agree with everything you said, Cathrine is delightful, naive but stands her ground and she's only going to get better with age. Yeah, the whole age gap is a bit... But considering the time period it was written in I just imagine him younger idk. The action part is when they're in the abbey ig, that's the most fun part and I'm not going to spoil it to you ofc but I'd do the same as Cathrine if I was in a place like that lol maybe without saying certain things tho. I would love to know your thoughts on the novel, by the end I did like henry, he did show up and out when he needed to. I'd have to say that my favorite austen romance is persuasion, the man did annoy me in the begining even tho ig I understand that one considering their history but his letter in the end has to be the best austen letter, I'm not a fan of love letter in general but since they already have a history together it hits differently idk also talking about relatable heroines Ann Eliot my beloved, the people pleasing is next level (but we're working on that)

I waited to finish the novel to reply and now I understand what you meant hahah, a lil warning about spoilers ahead for anyone who might come across this that wants to read Northanger Abbey

Catherine's imagination running wild annoyed me a bit only because she was using it on a real person and in such a way but I understood she's an avid reader seeing patterns in real life and im sure her subconscious craved to make a villain out of the general - he was too attentive and polite for her to have an excuse to say anything bad about him though he was the most dreadful part of her experience in the abbey. but the way she talked to henry about it, I can't help but laugh, she feels so at ease with him and trusts him so much that she forgot all about manners and common decency and asked him questions that so obviously show her suspicions- like what heroine would share she suspects his father of murder with her crush 😭 propriety and common sense were sent out the door faster than her lmao

as for henry yeah, he did show up when it mattered and related the information to her in a very considerate way, he was also extra caring after she ran away in tears all ashamed when her suspicions were revealed so all in all you can tell he can be a little shit when he's in a silly goofy mood but also be extremely sensitive in certain situations, we love a man with a high eq 😄

the novel itself... I am not going to lie to you, I am a bit disappointed - I pushed through some boring parts in the hopes of some grandiose drama but things were resolved in a very bland way. the conclusion to the engagement situation is related through letters, we don't see either the thorpes or james himself at all, later on we only hear about what went between the general and john and I get it creates this feeling of "we're done with them, let's wrap it up, chop chop!" as if we didn't spend half the novel with those characters around. the way catherine moves on isn't technically quick but in writing it feels like it. aside from that part being rushed, so was the ending- eleanor having a fiance and catherine not knowing anything of it does make a bit of sense because she is a more discreet person but tying the whole thing together with "and his servant left behind the washing bills from so many chapters ago!".. I wouldn't call it lazy but it was a random choice. (I did find the part where she says she can't name the fiance cause the structure of a novel wouldn't allow it entertaining tho); the resolution for the thorpes was very similar to a fairytale - bad guys left vexxed, good guys in complete bliss. in sense and sensibility the "bad girl" at least got a man out of the whole ordeal lol so I was expecting some twist or another but it's fine, just as austen was done with the characters, so was i lol

I think most of all I wanted a more dramatic moment of getting together for henry and catherine but I suppose the whole point is this it's a regular story with regular characters where the only dramatics spawn from some very common behaviours in people in higher society. the final chapter was just rushing everything which honestly isn't a bad thing considering i was not too curious even three chapters prior as to how it all ends, I think austen mightve known it was gonna be predictable anyways so might as well not waste much thought and time on it.

I did like the book, as I do with every austen book, because it's an experience - I like the humour, I like the writing style (though some sentences could do with being shortened, I have to reread again and again when I'm sleepy sometimes), I think the fact there are less descriptions of surroundings and more cheeky commentary on society and fun dialog works for me very well. this novel is no different in these aspects than the ones I've previously read and im glad about it. when it comes to characters, I'm fond of Eleanor particularly but I appreciate the Morlands as well - they seem very simple in their thinking but very loving and caring, they give their children freedom and support them unreservedly, im sure henry and eleanor would love to be in their company in the future (im also so happy for eleanor and I hope his family is the warmest and help her heal from all she's endured)

it was a fun read and im satisfied i finished it regardless of anything, also very glad I got to talk with someone about it 😊

the letter in persuasion you mention sounds exactly like the type of profession of love i want, here I just mostly got austen describing events and we didn't even get to see catherine find henry at the door, we had to follow her mother to the bookshelf upstairs 😂 so a letter in the character's own words sounds great!

people pleasing would drive me up the wall, that's why I was so happy with catherine but! relatable it is. so I will probably yell at her with affection and understanding hahah (I'm sure you're doing great, one "no" at a time)

i think I'll probably think of other things to say on the matter after i've posted this but alas :') sending you hugs, thanks once again for talking to me about it <3 I hope I haven't disappointed you with my answer, I'd love for you to correct me if I've said smth wrong but also just share whatever 💓

[sleepinelysium]

The Wooing of Catherine

Well, here it is!  I hope y’all like it!!

He stood at the doorway, feeling dead on his feet.  He hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in…was it days?  Weeks now?  Every muscle ached as the majesty of the King kept his body straight and tall and regal. His head pounded as if it were upon a blacksmith’s anvil.  He just wanted to return to his bed and sleep.  Come back when he was ready.  When he didn’t feel he’d crawl out of his skin, when he felt he might have an actual chance of winning.  S’wounds, he wasn’t this nervous before Agincourt, and he and his men were outnumbered ten to one.

He heard a familiar throat clearing behind him.  “Ready, my liege?” Gloucester asked.

Henry noticed he had absentmindedly raised his hand to his scar while lost in thought.  He dropped his hand quickly and cleared his own throat as well.  “Yes, Humphrey, I’m ready.”

They lined up before the door to the French court, him flanked by his nobles.  Humphrey boldly put a hand on his shoulder.  “You’ve proven yourself, Harry, relax.”

Humphrey would never and could never know what those few words meant to him.  He nodded.  “Thank you, Humphrey.”  He tilted his head to the side as he grimaced, feeling for a moment like someone was stabbing him in the head, his headache pounded so.  For a moment, the too recent memory of his youngest brother, wounded and pale lying in French mud flashed before his eyes, but he shook his head quickly.  No time for that now.  The King straightened himself and nodded to the grooms at the door.

They pushed the doors open and the English company entered the French court.  Niceties were exchanged, or what niceties the French could summon from themselves.  Burgundy gave a flowery speech, as he does.  He was sure it was actually quite nice if he could only focus through his mounting migraine.  He noticed again his hand grazing his scar and dropped it quickly, clasping it behind him with his other hand.

Once Burgundy had finished, Harry took a step forward.  “If, Burgundy, you would the peace which you have cited, you must buy that peace with full accord to our just demands,” he noticed the slight groans and hidden eye rolls in the French company, but ignored them.  “Those demands you have enscheduled briefly in your hands.”

“The King has heard them, to which as yet there is no answer made,” Burgundy responded, looking a bit sheepish.

Henry couldn’t keep his annoyance from his tone.  “Well then, the peace, which you have so urged, lies in his answer,” he answered, turning to stare daggers at his French counterpart.

The old, infirm man was flanked by his wife, who looked quite young and sprightly for her age, the near opposite of him.  Charles looked unsure and sheepish himself under the flashing eye of the English King. “I have but with a cursory eye glanced o’er the articles,” the King said, his voice high pitched and breaking, “if it please your Grace to appoint some of your council presently to sit with us once more to resurvey them, we will pass our accept and peremptory answer.”

His eyebrow rose and he glanced at his uncle, Exeter, to his left, exchanging a look.  He turned back to the King and nodded.  “Brother, we shall.  Go, then, uncle Exeter and brothers Clarence and Gloucester; Warwick and Huntingdon, go you with the King, and take free power to ratify, augment, or alter as your wisdoms best see advantageous to our dignity.”  He turned to the Queen, who was helping her husband out of his chair, her arm laced through his.  “Will you, fair sister, go with the princes, or stay with us?”

The Queen tilted her proud head up, looking on him with barely contained disdain.  “Our gracious brother, I will go with them.  Haply a woman’s voice may do some good when articles too nicely urged be stood on.”

Henry couldn’t help but be amused by the Queen’s attitude, but he supposed it made sense she would hate him.  Hopefully, his future heir would not contend with such opinions when he ruled France. As the Queen began to leave with his company and the French monarch, he noticed another two women starting to follow after.  He knew one of them to be Catherine, who’s hand in marriage was one of the articles of his truce.  “Wait,” he said, louder and more desperate than he had intended.  All turned to look at him.  He cleared his throat.  “Yet, leave our cousin Catherine here with us.  She is our capital demand, comprised within the fore-rank of our articles.”

The Queen looked from him to her daughter and back.  “She has good leave,” the Queen answered casually, walking out the door to the room where the negotiations would take place.

He rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen up.  He had his own negotiations to make. ��If only his head wasn’t hurting so much.  He led her to a settee in the room and turned to pour them both goblets of wine.  He wished he were at the Boar’s Head, where he could drain the glass in one gulp and pour another right after.  Maybe stop when the bottle was dry.  He pressed a hand to his forehead and, without thinking, pressed the heel of his palm to his scar.  Maybe after a few, he’d feel steadier than he did. 

She was veiled and did not move to remove it.  He handed her one glass and kept the other for himself.  Without drinking from it, she placed it on the side table with obviously no intentions of drinking from it.

He took a sip.  Well, more than a sip.  He sat next to her with a sigh, then berated himself for that sigh. This was already not a good start. “Fair Catherine, and most fair, will you vouchsafe to teach a soldier terms such as will enter at a lady’s ear and plead his love-suit to her gentle heart?”  His words weren’t bad, he self-assessed, but the delivery was lacking significantly.

Her gentle hands found the end of her veil and pulled it back over her head.  He was immediately speechless.  Hell, he couldn’t breath.  Any other time he could think of where he’d been so breathless had been a bad experience, to say the least.  But not here.  Not now.  She was radiant and beautiful and proud and she looked confident.

“Your majesty shall mock at me,” she said, her French accent thick, “I cannot speak your…England.

He shook his head, trying to force his brain to think clearly.  Why was it on the field, he had no trouble with this, but knee to knee with a gorgeous woman, his mind was filled with cobwebs?  “O, fair Catherine,” he started with mounting earnestness and feeling, “if you will love me soundly with your French heart, I will be glad to hear you confess it brokenly in your English tongue.”  He let his words hang between them, but she said nothing.  “Do you like me, Kate?” he asked quieter, a hint of hope in his tone.

“Pardonnez-moi, I cannot tell wat is ‘like me,’” she answered.

He scooted a bit closer. “An angel is like you, Kate, and you are like an angel.”

Catherine turned to her waiting woman, bemusement and slight annoyance in her voice.  She spoke French quickly and received a prompt answer.  As they spoke, he realized the last time he’d seen that pick up line used, it had been by Poins on an inexperienced Eastcheap whore.  He kicked himself for using it, the Princess would know better.  Though, now that he thought about it, it didn’t work for Poins, either.

“What says she, fair one?” he asked the waiting woman, “that the tongues of men are full of deceits?”

“Oui, dat is de princess,” she replied.

Henry kept his smirk small as he stood with a tilt of his head.  “The princess is the better Englishwoman,” he said, his mind flitting fleetingly to a short, round Englishwoman laughing heartily in a tavern in Eastcheap. “I’faith, Kate, my wooing is fit for thy understanding,” he spoke, turning back towards her.  “I am glad thou canst speak no better English, for if thou couldst, thou wouldst find me such a plain king that thou wouldst think to I had sold my farm to buy my crown.  I know no ways to mince it in love but directly to say, ‘I love you;’ then if you urge me further than to say, ‘do you in faith?’, I wear out my suit. Give me your answer, and so clap hands and a bargain. How say you, lady?”

She huffed.  “Sauf votre honneur, me understand well.”

Direct honesty, or what he thought was directness, had only bruised her pride.  This was going terribly.  Though, he thought as he looked her over, to woo her, perhaps he could be persuaded— perhaps he would— oh, if only he had time to think!  To compose his thoughts in a way she might accept.

“Marry, if you would put me to verses, or to dance for your sake, Kate, why you undid me,” he scoffed. “For the one, I have neither words nor measure, and for the other, I have no strength in measure…yet reasonable measure in strength.  If I could win a lady at leap frog, or by vaulting into my saddle with my armor on my back, under the correction of bragging be it spoken, I should leap into a wife.”  She was still cold to his advances, so he shifted directions.

“But, before God, Kate, I cannot look greenly, nor gasp out my eloquence, nor have I cunning in protestation.  Only downright oaths, which I never use till urged, nor never break for urging.”  He gently took her hand.  “If thou canst love a fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth sunburning, that never looks in his glass for love of anything he sees there, let thine eye be thy cook.”  That last bit was a bit more open than he had intended to be.  Maybe he was never destined to be particularly attractive, but that horrid scar on his cheek did him no favors and only served to remind him of an awfully terrible year.  “I speak to thee plain soldier,” he continued, “If thou canst love me for this, take me.  If not to say to thee that I shall die is true, but for thy love, by the Lord, no.”

Lord, he was manhandling her pride.  She pulled her hand from his and looked away from him.

“Yet, I love thee, too,” he insisted.  “And while thou livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of uncoined constancy, for he perforce must do thee right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other places. For these fellows of infinite tongue, that can rhyme themselves into ladies favors do always reason themselves out again.  But a good heart, Kate,” he said, taking her hand again as she started to look back at him, “is the sun and the moon— or rather the sun and not the moon,  for it shines bright and never changes, but keeps its course truly.  If thou would have such a one, take me; and take me, take a soldier.  Take a soldier, take a king.”

She looked up at him, then down at the other hand, clenched in her lap.

“Speak, my fair, and fairly I pray thee,” he asked, uncertain.

“Is it possible I should love de ennemi of France?” she asked in return, her voice barely above a whisper.

He sighed in relief. She was starting to consider him, to consider the idea of loving him.  He sat down next to her again.  “No, it is not possible you should love the enemy of France, Kate,” he assured her. “But in loving me, you would love the friend of France, for I love France so well I would have it all mine.” He could see his joke had not landed well, so he ploughed through before she could really react, continuing, “and Kate, when France is mine, and I am yours, then yours is France, and you are mine.”

She looked at him, confused. God above, she looked cute when she was confused.  “I cannot tell wat is dat.”

“No, Kate?” he asked, thinking how to explain to her what he meant.  “I will tell thee in French!  Which I am sure will hang upon my tongue like a new married wife about her husband’s neck, hardly to be shook off.”  His headache was obscuring his already limited French vocabulary and the more he thought the harder it pounded.  “Je— quand sur le possession de France—” she was trying so hard not to smile or laugh at his French, trying to stifle her giggles, but she was failing.  But, with her, he didn’t mind being laughed at— “et quand vous avez le possession de moi— let me see, what then?  Saint Dennis be my speed!”  He quickly found the next word, but knew his rough English tongue would butcher the pronunciation.  “Donc—”

The laugh she tried to smother turned into a precious snort.  He could fly on that sound.

“Donc vôtre est France, et vous etes mienne,” he finished with a sigh and a big smile.  “It is so easy for me, Kate, to conquer the kingdom as to speak so much French.  I shall never move thee in French, unless it be to laugh at me.”

“Sauf votre honneur, le français wue vous parlez, il est meilleur que anglais lequel je parle,” she assured him earnestly, putting her other hand over his.  His heart leapt and he looked down to that precious, innocent hand over his rough one.  She looked down, startled at her own forwardness and pulled her hands away.

He blinked, returning to their conversation with a scoff.  “No, faith, is’t not, Kate.  But thy speaking of my tongue, and I thine, most truly-falsely, must needs be granted to be much at one.  But, Kate, dost thou understand thus much English; cans’t thou love me?” he asked earnestly, getting off of the settee and to his knees before her.

She looked incredibly uncomfortable and avoided looking him in the eye.  “I cannot tell.”

“Can any of your neighbors tell, Kate?  I’ll ask them,” he said, perturbed as he stood again and took a few steps away from her. He turned back to her.  “Come, I know thou lovest me, and at night when you come into your closet you’ll question this gentlewoman about me, and I know, Kate, you will dispraise those parts in me that you love with your heart. But, good Kate, mock me mercifully– the rather gentle princess, because I love thee cruelly.”  And he meant it.  She blushed to hear him talk so.  “If ever thou be’st mine, Kate, as I have a saving faith within me tells me thou shalt– I get thee with scambling, and thou must therefore needs prove a good soldier-breeder.  Shall not thou and I, between Saint Dennis and Saint George, compound a boy, half French half English, that shall go to Constantinople and take the Turk by the beard? Shall we not?”  He could see his son, their son, with her eyes and nose, his jaw and brow, leading his men bravely in battle, the English royal crown on his head, the French crest impaled with the lions of England on his chest, fire in his eyes.  Oh, how he wished he could see it.  He arose from his reverie realizing that Catherine was not having such pleasant day dreams, instead, looking at him unimpressed.  “What sayst thou, my fair flower-du-luce.” 

He predicted her response, but was still frustrated when she said, “I do not know that.”

He sighed and sat next to her again.  Even in mass, he didn’t think he’d stood and sat so much in his life, but he couldn’t seem to stay put.  “No, ‘tis hereafter to know, but now to promise.  Do but now promise, Kate, you will endeavor for your French part of such a boy, and for my English moiety, take the word of a king and a bachelor. How answer you, la plus belle Catherine du monde, mon très chère et devine déesse?”

She folded her arms across her chest and tried to look disapproving at him, but he fancied he was slipping under her defenses.  “Your majesté ‘ave faux French enough to deceive de most sage demoiselle dat is en France.”

“Now fie upon my false French!  By mine honor, in true English, I love thee, Kate.  By which honor I dare not swear thou lovest me, yet my blood begins to flatter me that thou dost, notwithstanding the poor untempering effect of my visage,” he said lightly.  Or, he tried to say lightly.  “Beshrew my father’s ambition!  He was thinking on civil wars when he got me; therefore was I made with a stubborn outside, with an aspect of iron, that when I come to woo ladies, I fright them.  But in faith, Kate, the elder I wax the better shall I appear.  My comfort is that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. Thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst, and thou shalt wear me, if thou shalt wear me, better and better. And therefore tell me, most fair Catherine, will you have me?”

Again, she said nothing, but her eyes seemed tinged with a sadness he didn’t understand.  He scooted closer to her.  “Put off your maiden blushes, avouch the thoughts of your heart with the looks of an empress, take me by the hand,” he said holding his hand out to her, “and say ‘Harry of England, I am thine,’ which word thou shalt no sooner bless mine ear withal, but I will tell thee aloud, ‘England is thine, Ireland is thine, France is thine, and Henry Plantagenet is thine.’  Come, your answer in broken music, for thy voice is music and thy English broken.”  He smiled hopefully.  “Therefore, queen of all, Catherine, break thy mind to me in broken English, wilt thou have me?”

There was something else in her face, but it was muddied by her remaining uncertainty.  She seemed to struggle with how to answer.  “Dat is it shall please de roi mon père,” she answered, her words tumbling out of her mouth.

He was surprised by her answer.  It wasn’t really what he was hoping for, but he supposed ascent was ascent.  “Nay, it shall please him well, Kate; it shall please him, Kate.”

She looked into his eyes, blush high in her cheeks, then back down to her hands folded in her lap. “Den it shall also content me.”

Again, not exactly what he was hoping for, but also not how he thought this was going to turn out when they sat down at the beginning.  He took one of her hands.  “Upon that I kiss your hand, and I call you my queen,” he said, dipping his head and raising her hand to his lips.

But, she jumped from the settee, pulling her hand away sharply.  “Laissez mon seigneur, laissez, laissez! Ma foi, je ne veux point que vous abbaissez votre grandeur en baisant la main d’une de votre seigneurie indigne serviteur.  Excusez-moi, je vous supplie, mon treis-puissant seigneur.” 

He was surprised by the whole thing, so he didn’t understand as much of what she said as he would have, but he did understand she didn’t want him to kiss her hand.  He stood and closed some of the gap between them, reaching his hand out for hers, bemusement on his face.  “Then, I will kiss your lips, Kate,” he said, simply.

She took another few steps away from him, shaking her head, “les dames et damoiselles pour être baisées devant leurs noces, il n’est pas le coutume de France.”

“Madame, my interpreter, what says she?” he asked the gentlewoman.

The woman stepped forward looking a bit ruffled, he assumed for the same reason Catherine was.  “Dat it is not be de façon pour les ladies of France— I cannot tell what is ‘baiser’ en Anglish,” the woman answered, uncertainly.

He smiled.  That word, he knew.  “To kiss.”

“Your majesté entend bettre que moi,” she flattered with a short curtsy.  He bowed his head to her and turned his attention back to the princess. To his future Queen.  His smile grew so big at the thought, he thought his face would crack. 

He took a few more steps to stand closer to her, holding his hands out.  She lightly placed her own hands in his, still full of uncertainty. “O, Kate, nice customs curtsy to great kings.  Dear Kate, you and I cannot be confined within the weak list of a country’s fashion. We are the makers of manners, Kate, and the liberty that follows our places stop the mouth of all find-faults, as I will do yours, for upholding the nice fashion of your country in denying me a kiss.”  He slipped an arm around her waist, pressing his hand firmly against her back, and raised his other hand to gently brush his roughened thumb across her soft cheek. “Therefore patiently, and yielding,” he breathed as he stooped his head and kissed her soft lips.  He didn’t think he could remember ever feeling so happy in his life.

He pulled away and she looked up at him, her dark eyes glinting with gold flecks in the light. He couldn’t decipher what lay there, but she brought her hands up to cup his face, then brushed her fingertips over that horrid scar.  He carefully grasped her wrist and moved her hand to his neck.  Then gently, ever so gently, with painful kindness and, was that affection? she kissed that hideous scar on his cheek. 

If it were still possible for him to shatter and break all to pieces after everything he’d seen, everything he’d done, he would have then. As it was, he blinked furiously, keeping his burning eyes from trying to put themselves out with tears.  “Oh, you have witchcraft in your lips, Kate,” he breathed, before kissing her forehead and taking a step back to see her better. “There is more eloquence in a sugar touch of them than in the tongues of the French Council, and they should sooner persuade Harry of England than a general petition of monarchs,” he said in a joking tone.

She giggled and looked up at him with a smile.  A real smile. Maybe, just maybe, by some miracle of God, they would be happy together.  Happier than many married couples he’d seen and known.  He bent to kiss her again when he heard something from the other room.  He stopped, then looked at her and the space between them.  He tilted his head towards the door.  “Here comes your father.”

She also looked at the space between them, then jumped away from him, going to stand over by her waiting woman.  He looked at her trying to keep a smile from his face, and as she looked at him, he could see she was trying to do the same.  They both failed, breaking out into laughter.  She covered her mouth daintily, but thankfully it did not damper that laugh that sounded like bells peeling. 

They both schooled themselves as her father, mother, the French council, and those of his own company returned to the room.  Burgundy, as he was wont to do, played a game of wits with him, but he kept steeling glances at Kate, only half focusing on Phillip’s words.  Finally, he cut to the chase.  “Shall Kate be my wife?” he asked King Charles.

“So please you.  We have consented to all terms of reason,” Charles answered with a nod.

“Is’t so, my lords of England?” he asked, turning to the company.

“The King hath granted every article: his daughter first, and so in sequel all,” Westmoreland answered.

“Only, he hath not subscribèd in this,” Exeter began to amend, “where your majesty demands that the King of France shall name your highness his heir.”

“Nor this, I have not, brother, so denied,” Charles said quickly, “but your request shall make me let it pass.”

“I pray you then, in love and dear alliance, let that article rank with the rest, and thereupon, give me your daughter,” Henry said.

Charles took one of Catherine’s hands and one of Henry’s, then folded them together.  “Take her, fair son, and from her blood raise up issue to me, that the contending kingdoms of France and England, whose very shores look pale with envy of each other’s happiness, may cease their hatred.”

“Now welcome, Kate, and bear me witness all that here I kiss her as my sovereign Queen,” Henry said, giving her a chaste kiss, though she lingered and smiled and seemed happy, which is all he ever could have asked. He pressed his forehead to hers, whispering, “I love you.”

She pulled away to see him better.  “I will love you.”

“I promise you will be happy, Kate.  We will be happy.”

“I did not know we were not already, mon signeur,” she said, beaming.“Please, my Queen, call me Harry.”She stood on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss.  “As it pleases le roi, mon Harry.”“It pleases him, Kate.  It pleases him well, Kate,” he said, one eyebrow raised.She laughed again as he took her arm and he led her out of the room and into their new life together.

[fideidefenswhore]

very random but why did worsley choose to villainize cranmer > henry...

[driedlasagna]

Summary: Henry furrows his brow and puts a hand on his nephew's shoulder. "Is everything okay?"

He watches the teenager close his eyes and take a deep, steadying breath before looking at Henry.

"Can I- can I talk to you somewhere more private?" George asks, his voice timid.

Hello! I haven't posted any Red, White, and Royal Blue fics yet (even though I have many a wip) , and this is just a quick, rough thing that's honestly fairly different from all of the wips I have, but I really liked the idea behind it and don't hate the outcome so I thought I'd post it here and possibly on ao3 depending on if people like it :)

I'll respond to this post with just a bit of background on the non-canonical characters, and it's not focused on Henry and Alex's relationship, but it's part of it! (Also I'm editing this on mobile so sorry if things are weird lol.) Enjoy!!

•••

Henry stands by the entryway to the large living room, watching the scene in front of him.

It had been a while since the whole family could be in England at once all together, so it was nice to see everyone. 

Alex had been pulled aside by Bea and Martha, all three talking about who knows what, Phillip was meeting with Catherine about something, and all the kids had decided to play some game they made up. 

With Henry and Alex's youngest being only 9 years younger than Phillip and Martha's oldest, all 7 cousins got along wonderfully, save for the casual bickering. 

Henry's watching Lizzie and Penelope whisper to each other, obviously in cahoots, when he sees, from the corner of his eye, his oldest nephew approach him. 

"George," Henry says, changing his stance so he's facing the 17 year old. "Got bored?"

"Um," George doesn't meet Henry's eyes as he wrings his hands together nervously. 

Henry furrows his brow and puts a hand on his nephew's shoulder. "Is everything okay?"

He watches the teenager close his eyes and take a deep, steadying breath before looking at Henry.

"Can I- can I talk to you somewhere more private?" George asks, his voice timid. 

"Of course," Henry says, "I know the best spot."

Henry leads them to his favorite place in the castle. 

"This is where I always felt the safest growing up," Henry says, walking into the music room. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, perfect, thank you." 

Henry sits down on one of the sofas, George not far behind. They sit in silence for a bit.

"I should come in here more often," George says finally. "Never got much into playing music though… definitely not on the level of Jane or Edward."

Henry nods. "The twins definitely take after your Aunt Bea in their love for music." He lets out a chuckle. "Funny, considering they're your father's kids, who wouldn't touch the piano if he could help it."

They're silent for a little longer as George, a slight smile at Henry's comment, ducks his head. 

"Hey," Henry says, leaning down to be in his nephew's eyeline, "you don't have to talk if you don't want to- we can just sit here- but you know you can always talk to me, right?" 

George nods, a heavy exhale coming through his nose. His eyes dart to Henry and then back to his lap. Henry sits back and looks out across the room, taking in just what has changed.

We really should come to England more often, he thinks, it hasn't even been that long and so much has changed-

"I'm gay."

Henry's head snaps back to look at his nephew. George is even more scrunched in on himself, if possible, but Henry can make out his red face hidden behind his bangs. 

After years of running a shelter for queer youth, being someone many kids have come to, Henry would think he'd know how to respond in this situation.

But, unfortunately, he panics. 

"Me too." 

Henry's eyes widen when he realizes what he said. "I- I mean-"

"No, no-" George lets out a laugh, sounding relieved, "thank you, I-" he looks at his uncle, relaxing a bit, "that helped. With the tension, that is."

Henry relaxes as well as George adjusts to be cross legged on the couch, facing Henry. Henry mirrors his pose. 

"You're the only one who knows," George says. "Well, I think Jane suspects, but she hasn't said anything."

"Thank you for telling me," Henry says quietly. 

"I've known for a while now," George continues, "a year at least. I just… I'm the oldest. I'm going to be king one day. I can't- I can't be gay, but I am and I don't know what to do!"

"You know I'm always here to help you," Henry says, "even when I'm in New York."

George nods. "Yeah, yeah. I- I knew I wanted to tell you first. You get it. You've been through it."

"You won't have to go through anything I did if I can help it," Henry says, more stern than he intended to be. George looks up at him, surprised.

Henry clears his throat. "George, I'm going to make sure you will never have to suffer the way I did." 

George bites his lip. "I read your emails with Uncle Alex," he admits quietly. There's a heavy pause. "I didn't want to- I know how much of an invasion of privacy that is- but I was so confused about myself and what I'd have to go through, and it seemed like the only thing at the time that would help even a little bit."

Another pause as Henry gets his thoughts in order.

"Did it help?"

George thinks for a second then nods. "A bit, yeah. I'm so sorry-"

"George, I'm just glad I was able to help before you were ready to reach out. I'm not mad at you, and neither would Uncle Alex be."

George nods again and then lets out a heavy sigh, falling back into the couch. 

"I'm scared," he whispers. 

Henry gets off the couch and crouches in front of it where George sits. 

"George, please look at me," he says softly. George does, and Henry reaches out and takes his hands in his own, squeezing them.

"It's okay to be scared- you shouldn't have to be, but your feelings are valid. It's a scary thing, let alone given the position you're in. I get it- being scrutinized by the entirety of England is fucking terrifying in it's own right, but when you don't fit the mold they put you in, it feels like you're trapped in a pit.

"But you have so much support. Me, Uncle Alex, Aunt Bea, your parents- this entire family will be behind you, supporting you. You can do this at your own pace. You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready." 

Henry suddenly notices that George's eyes are watering. "If you're worried about being outed, I know it's scary but I will not let that happen to you-"

"It's not that," George interrupts. "Well, that's a part of it, but…" George fully meets Henry's eyes, and Henry's heart aches at how scared his nephew looks. 

"Dad's gonna hate me."

Henry can feel his heart shatter as George lets himself fully cry.

"Oh, Georgie…"

Henry gathers his nephew, almost as tall as him, into his arms and holds him tight. They sit on the floor in front of the sofa for a while, George sobbing as he clings onto Henry like a lifeline. 

"Your father loves you so much, George, and this won't change that," Henry says as he quiets down. 

George sniffs. "But- when you-"

"Phillip is a very different man from when I was outed." Henry leans back and puts his hands on George's shoulders. "Look at me, please." George does.

"All of us- me, your father, grandmother, aunt- were all not in a good place back then. Your father is nothing like he was then. If he was, I wouldn't be here, and you'd barely even know me. Bea and I gave him a second chance, and he changed, George. He escaped the clutches of our grandmother and started to think for himself. 

"He will be surprised and will probably say the wrong thing sometimes and need us to knock some sense into him," Henry continues, "but he loves you so much. And nothing could change that."

George sniffs a few more times. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

George sighs and moves to sit with his back against the couch. "I'm still scared."

"And that's completely understandable," Henry quickly reassures, "but remember just how many people love you and will stand by you."

George nods to himself a few times before standing and jutting his chin out. (Henry can't help but smile fondly at that- Alex did always mention how similar their nephew is to Henry.) 

"Thank you."

"Of course." Henry stands up as well. "And if you ever need anything, you know how to reach me."

George smiles softly. "I- I'm not ready to come out to mum and dad yet, but when I do, could you… could you be there with me?"

Henry doesn't hesitate in his answer. "Absolutely. Just text me and I'll be on the next plane over here."

George smiles again and hugs his uncle. 

"Take as long as you need before rejoining everyone, okay?" Henry tells his nephew, "but if you're not back by dinner I can't promise I'll be able to save you dessert. You know how your siblings and cousins are."

George laughs, full and bright. "I think Austin once growled at me when I asked for a bite of his food at the lake house."

Henry laughs, too, stepping back. "When it comes to his Abuelo's cooking, that kid will do anything. He gets it from his papa."

"I'm gonna tell Uncle Alex you said that." George says mischievously. 

Henry raises an eyebrow. "You do that and I'll take away your keys to the V and A."

George balks. "How- how did you know about that?!"

Henry shrugs. "I know what it's like to be the closeted gay prince of England. There's only so much one can do." Henry pats George's shoulder. "I'll see you back with everyone, okay? Take your time."

"Thank you, Uncle Henry," George says, "really."

Henry smiles. "Of course, George."

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

I know the TSwift song ask said “a” pairing But! I have many I Must Know! Fitzsimmons! Cinderella and the Prince! Henry Tilney and Catherine! (And this is incredibly self-indulgent but if any come to mind for anyone in SfaS?)

I love all of these! this is a treasure trove of ships!!!

Fitzsimmons:

1. I'M ONLY ME WHEN I'M WITH YOU YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY HALF THE TIME THE OTHER HALF I'M ONLY TRYING TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WHAT I FEEL IS TRUE!!! Don't wanna fly! if you're still on the ground!!! I've said it before but I will say it always, this is Their song.

2. Invisible String! Because they're seperated CONSTANTLY to the point that it seems unecessary, but they always come back to each other, they always find a way. There was an invisible string tying them together!!! (This Love for similar reasons? they let it go free! it came back!)

3. Dancing With Our Hands Tied. hey remember when Fitz was like we're cursed? because I think about that Constantly. It ties into their difficulties, their seperations, and how they're still trying, it's gravity! keeping you with me! (also not to be sad about season 1 but "I'll hold you as the water rushes in")

Bonus: a little of untouchable? for some reason.

Cinderella and the Prince:

(Cinderella 2015 my beloved, it was WONDERFUL).

1. Everything Has Changed because all I know is you said hello! so dust off your highest hopes! everything has changed! They are actually peak Love at First Sight because it makes sense they fall in love so quickly, with barely one conversation, because they're both so good and understanding and See each other, and suddenly! everything is different!!!

2. Daylight. Cinderella is about the reward for endurance! been sleeping so long in a 20 year dark night but now I see daylight!!! maybe you stormed out of every single room in this town (because she wasn't in them when he was searching for her). The whole film is about being defined by love, not hatred, so it is the Perfect Song.

3. Enchanted, obviously. The ball! the magic! the eyes meeting in a crowded room! lingering question kept me up! who do you love! I was ENCHANTED to meet you!!!! it's THEM IT'S THE CINDERELLA SONG IT'S SO THEM!!!!

Henry and Catherine!!!!:

1. I can't take credit for this, on spotify there's a playlist made which is Northanger Abbey but Taylor Swift, and I've forgotten every other song on there but the final one was Sweeter Than Fiction and I think about that every day. Because it's the perfect song. The rain won't last forever! He knew it all along!!! This life is sweeter than fiction!!!!

2. Haunted, partly because of the ghost imagery, obviously, but also when he leaves and she's convinced she's ruined everything, don't leave me like this! I thought I had you figured out! something's gone terribly wrong!!!

3. Starlight. I have no explanation for this, it's just the vibes. They're so right. also they are going to have 10 kids and teach them how to dream, they just will.

bonus: Long Story Short because of the story idea, and also just because that sums it up! it was a bad time! she survived! now she's all about him!!! Also Delicate and New Year's Day.

SEVEN FOR A SECRET TAYLOR SWIFT babes I could assign every single Taylor song to this book, I could go through and make a list I really could.

Isolde: Tied Together With a Smile really is Her song in every way. She and Sasha are obviously Sweeter than Fiction, but also there's a bit of OMWIMY in there, the need to lift up your best friend to be happy yourself! I think The Lucky One is also a bit her, you don't feel pretty, you just feel used, all the young things line up to take your place.

Evermore is also such an Isolde song.

A Perfectly Good Heart is about Sasha and Shiro I'm sorry it just is. A Place in this World is quite Sasha-y, and The Outside is quite Isolde-y right at the beginning.

Haunted is that terrible moment when Lysander leaves and Sasha is alone, for sure (ahhh that broken me it was so sad). Also Come Back...Be Here.

But then later Sasha and Lysander are King of my Heart! Is this the end of all the endings!!! my broken bones are mending!!!!!

I feel like none of them are specifically Enchanted, Enchanted is kind of the group as a whole? not romantically but the feeling of serendipitous stumbling across people you'll love forever! Also Long Live for the same reasons. And New Year's Day is for all of them as well.

Lysander and treacherous, not because this slope is treacherous but because he just thinks it is. So Treacherous from his perspective but not from literally anyone else's. Also the bridge! nothing safe is worth the drive and I will follow you home! he literally does that at the end in the train and then the car!!!! (it's actually Everything has Changed but he doesn't understand that). And then when he comes back it's How You Get The Girl (and eventually Paper Rings and Fearless).

Lysander is also Gold Rush in his refusal to as he sees it indulge in love.

Shiro and This Love for Isolde, he waits patiently! he lets it go free! and it comes back to him! your ghost! I fell to my knees! you come back to what you need!!!! and then later they become You Are In Love (for once you let go of your fears and your ghosts!!!) Also DWOHT, because my love had been frozen deep blue but you painted it golden! and the healing and the love against all odds!!!! (also also Daylight for Isolde).

Both couples are Cornelia Street in my mind.

There are probably more but this is super long already, so that's all I can think of!!! I love them and I love doing this!!!

send me a couple and I'll give you three Taylor songs about them.

[deborahcastellano]

[The Rules of Exile] Rule No. 10 You Don't Get to Be My Last Great Whatever

Queen Catherine of Aragon was sent into exile because she had the nerve to be aging and menopausal.  A popular legend in that particular histo-mythic cycle is that Henry sent her away (sometimes, with Cromwell to do his dirty work for him because that was the kind of stand up guy he's remembered as) without saying good bye.  She was once married to his older brother Arthur in a castle in the wild but Arthur got sweating sickness and died.  They were only married to each other for a short time.  She then had her first encounter with exile where she lived somewhat modestly (again, accounts vary depending on the histo-mythic teller) and supposedly bargained for fish and sold her plate while her dad and her ex father in law dawdled over what to do with her.  Her father was a war monger with a bunch of kids, he had no problem waiting.  Her ex father in law held his country in a tight fist, he had been exiled so many times by his mother (Lady Margaret Beaufort) that he too could wait.  Neither appeared to find this particularly cruel, and neither did a seasoned politico warrior like Lady M.  Like . . .I get stressed out not knowing what's going to happen in a day while still being aware of certain potential outcomes.  I don't know how stressful it is to not know what country you're going to live in and/or who you'll be married to.  Queen Cat's ex father in law drops dead and she is married off to Henry for almost twenty years when she receives the message, u had too many ded babies, lulz.  super soz.  going 2 marry anne bc babies + she is way hot.  she will only put out if i put a ring on it. thx for nearly twenty years of marriage!  Best of luck or whatever.  Or, you know, no message past whatever Cromwell tried to piece together.  Whatever the medieval royal equivalent of dipping out of a pack of cigs was.

She died in exile a little into Queen Anne's reign, with only a few of her ladies and servants.  Sometimes the wheel (of fortune) is in your favor, sometimes it's not.  It was for a long time for Queen Cat, but then she never planned for Queen Anne. Partly because I don't think anyone, even someone who had headed a battle with Scotland like Queen Cat did, could have planned for Queen Anne.

Sometimes, the hardest part of exile is the people we have been exiled from.  Either by our choice or theirs (sometimes both).  Parents, siblings, friends, lovers, spouses, family, whole courts if you are particularly un/lucky and everyone else is either on the other person's side because they tell a better version of your story than you do or you weren't much beloved to begin with or the other person has too much power over the others for them to rise up for you.  Even Mary, Queen of Scots usually couldn't get the North (of England) to rise up for her and she was hella glam and hella Catholic (appealing traits to her target demo).

There is nothing more painful than this part of exile, Sister Queens.  It's too soon for revenge because you will not be thoughtful enough or have the means to plan that properly.  Your heart is a wasteland and everywhere you go, you know everyone knows something about you but you can only guess at what.  During this time often, your position at court has been forfeited, your rank and title is called into question along with your deeds and those still associated with you, your goods are often seized and people now consider if they would like to associate with you because they will be associated with you.  This has ever been the struggle, even in this modern life as (often) landless Queens - at work, in your family life, in your social circles, in your creative life and in your spiritual life.  A boss has turned against you, a break up that causes a fracture in your circles, side choosing over social issues, scandal and gossip that you were involved in.  To bring it down real low (like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllll low), Vicki on Real Housewives of the OC is currently in exile due to her exboyfriend Brooks who was involved in a cancer scandal that she was at the very least, complicit in.  In turn, I'm positive that she was not only exiled from her realty television faux friends, but also likely saw repercussions in her business and in her professional career, at the very least.  Possibly within her family and social groups as well because even though everyone knows reality television isn't particularly real, it's hard to know where that shred of truth in the lie resides.

How do you survive in that trying time when the people in your life are choosing alliances?  How do you survive when a lover has played you false and now is flaunting their new whatever for all the world and you to see?  How do you get through when you have been exiled from your coven?  How do you go on when your coven exiles you?  What do you do when an event or social group that once loved you has turned against you?

A note, to a Sister Queen who has recently felt the sting of exile from an ex-lover:

As you know, my thought process on these kinds of events are filtered through figuring out patterns and lessons and possible and probable outcomes because that's just so my world view.  While I certainly take some time to reflect before moving on, I find that the Universe (with me) is generally like, Here's another whatever you just lost.  Fuck that guy.  So I'm at a point in life where I trust that will happen in a reasonable time frame.  But another core part of me (besides grudgingly trusting in the Universe) is like, Fuck.  You.  You don't get to be my last whatever.  You don't get that kind of power.  You don't get that kind of power over me.  I will replace you because I can replace everything and I will burn everything in the process if I have to.  Every.  Thing.

Obviously, if you know me at all, you know I value those in my life, but I also know that everything has a season blahblahblahturnwhatever.  Everyone could die, everyone could leave, every relationship could break, every event could end, every group could break apart.  So, like, when you know that and you've been through that a few times, you value what you have when you have it but you also have in the back of your head what you would do if you lost those things.

In terms of practical advice, I would suggest you branch out and try to find other events/groups/lovers/friends and to figure out what part you played in your own exile story (as that is a key factor) so you can mend what you can mend and move forward in a better direction with finding new wishes, hopes and dreams.  Talk to trusted advisers for their opinions of the events that led to your exile, figure out a game plan to get yourself back to court or deeper into exile, whatever your preference.  I will forever be Lady Jane Rochford to my complete despair, she managed to get exiled from court during Queen Anne due to being her sister in law (and testified against Anne and her brother George, claiming they were sleeping together, leaving them both beheaded) but when she was offered a position back at court two Queens later, she jumped at the chance and that's how she lost her head right alongside Queen Katherine (yes, another - this one was sixteen and sleeping with boys her own age, how dare she).  I can't stay away from the game, not like Lady Mary did (Anne's sister, Henry's former mistress - she married a nobody and stayed in the countryside where it was safe and died of natural causes and possibly boredom).  I am forever working my way back to court and onto better courts.  If you read me, that's probably you too.

Fine, we have you settled into fixing your situation practically.  Now let's get to the exciting part.  The part that requires sorcery.

A Spell to Reclaim Your Queenship

Items needed:

Myrrh

Charcoal, lit

Fire safe container

Fresh flowers (either picked or bought)

Floral wire

Floral tape

String lights or electric candles

two bowls

Rose quartz crystals

handful of dried lavender

Chalice

Sacred liquid to drink

Salt water

a candle, offerings

Tarot deck

Potential goddesses: Your own goddesses (which include ancestors and spirits, obvi). a historic queen you admire, St. Elizabeth of Portugal, Mary Queen of Heaven, Diana

If you've ever bothered to read my book, you know that planning your ritual is key.  Where will you have it?  Why?  What will you wear?  Why?  What day/time will you do it?  Why?  Who will you work with?  Why?  What does your crown mean to you?  Why?  What flowers are sacred to you?  Why?  What liquid is sacred to you?  Why?  Which Tarot deck will you use?  Why?  There are no wrong answers, only lazy answers.  If you are not being lazy, you are not wrong.  You know when you are being lazy.

Arrange your electric candles or string lights into a circle big enough for you to do your work.  Pour salt water into one bowl.  Arrange the lavender and rose quartz into the other bowl.  Arrange your small shrine to your goddess(es) along with the candle and offering.  Ask for her/their blessing to guide your hand during this work.  Use words that are meaningful to you.  Pour sacred liquid into chalice.  Put the myrrh on the charcoal.  Anoint yourself with the smoke.  Wash your hands, your third eye and the top of your head in the salt water.  Then, say:

I am Queen over my own body.  My body is sacred.  I am Queen over my own spirit.  My spirit is sacred.  I an Queen over my own mind.  My mind is sacred.  I am Queen over my own heart.  My heart is sacred.  I am Queen.  I am sacred.

Start making your floral crown.  If you are like me, you have literally spent more than half your life making them and have taught diy workshops on the matter.  This is no big deal.  If you're not like me, watch the Youtube video in the link and maybe do a practice one first.  Spend the time making your crown singing songs that are meaningful to your Queenship, trancing or meditating on your Queenship.

Rest your crown over the bowl of rose quartz and lavender.  Put your hands on your crown.  Repeat:

I am Queen over my own body.  My body is sacred.  I am Queen over my own spirit.  My spirit is sacred.  I an Queen over my own mind.  My mind is sacred.  I am Queen over my own heart.  My heart is sacred.  I am Queen.  I am sacred.

Touch the crown to your navel, your heart, your throat and your forehead.  Put the crown on your own head.  Repeat:

I am Queen over my own body.  My body is sacred.  I am Queen over my own spirit.  My spirit is sacred.  I an Queen over my own mind.  My mind is sacred.  I am Queen over my own heart.  My heart is sacred.  I am Queen.  I am sacred.

Hold the chalice in your hands.  Focus on what you want to bring to yourself.  As a sacred Queen, I won't want for . . .(love, strength, compassion, abundance, and so forth)

Drink what's in the chalice.  Thank your goddesses for their presence.  Draw a Tarot card.  That is your omen for your work.  Reflect.  Hang your crown over your bed and put the bowl of rose quartz and lavender next to or under your bed.

***

Please feel free to share pictures of your work, thoughts about your work and aftermath of your work where ever you read this.

xxx

[melancholy-queen]

REIGN SPOILERS AHEAD

i’m putting all of my thoughts about the series reign on this, i probably forgot a lot of shit, but thats okay. also I’m sorry if this is very long, i have lots of opinions. scroll past!

so im on season 3 episode 7 and here are my thoughts as of this moment:

- francis is everything but also he was so controlling of mary jfc

- nostradamus is really hot

- im sad for mary that francis is dead

- frary is endgame

- but i was totally down for bash and mary to get married

- conde was so hot. i miss him already

- i was not down for the whole cheating plot line with mary

- antoine needs to chill and stop being so vengeful

- kenna is a piece of shit, i mean stop self sabotaging yourself please for the love of god

- so apparently, kenna was masterbating on the staircase in the pilot? i thought she ran out of breath from walking up all those goddamn stairs (chill, this is a joke, but i still think it's funny that she couldn't wait to get to her room)

- henry was fucking gross from the minute he walked on screen

- did everyone forget about aylee?

- poor lola, she couldve been so much more

- on the topic of lola, where tf did john philippe go? like he hasn't been in the past few episodes

- bash is so great

- bash does no wrong, i love him

- i liked diane and i miss her

- leith is honestly the most tragic character in this whole show, i love him

- megan follows does such an amazing job, like she is such a good actress

- why tf couldn't greer marry leith? i guess im just not understanding

- they totally brushed off the whole incest thing between claude and bash, gross

- but also good for greer, she's a great madam

- i don't give any shits about lord narcissi

- i loveeee claude and leith, get married pls

- i really wanted mary and francis to have a child and i almost cried at the miscarriage

- charles is a dick, but also fuck me

- catherine de medici is the best thing to have graced this show, i mean fuck me up bitch ahhh

- poor mary! its so sad that she was raped. to me, the show handled the repercussions fairly well

- i liked the whole catherine going crazy plot line, i thought the writers did a good job with her emotions towards her children

- the end did not pay off though, like how did she get better?

- also, the crazy henry plot line was ass, but i liked it almost?

- i thought the francis killing henry was done very well, subtle, but not out of the blue. plus, you could go back and look at the clues in previous episodes to aid to the murder

and now these are my thoughts past season 3, episode 7 all the way to the end:

- yes i want some bdsm in this bitch fuck it up queen

- catherine and mary are so kinky hahahaahahha

- mary's pussy literally killed don carlos (jk)

- this is the best plot line on this show so far lmao

- i like it better when mary and catherine get along

- god i love princess claude

- i hate narcisse

- fuck narcisse

- even though claude's fucking stupid for writing that her mother poisoned her in her diary and not hiding the diary well, i still love her

- narcisse's secretary is hot in a lowkey kind of way

- also, his death scene was very unrealistic

- thank god lola is leaving, fuck narcisse

- i don't like elizabeth, but i guess im not supposed to

- why does claude have to fuck up leith like that? he's already traumatized by greer

- greer is honestly the secret mvp, what a good woman

- i am more invested in claude and leith's story then anything else in this entire show

- i feel so bad for dudley's wife, she didn't ask for this

- catherine is a sex queen and i stan her

- stubble leith is so hot

- adelaide kane is so fucking pretty goddamn

- honestly, fuck the prince of spain

- charles looks like mary and francis' child grown up tbh

- i have no investment in any of the england storyline

- why do none of the ladies in waiting get a normal marriage and life jeez louise

- CLAUDE DESERVES BETTER

- LEITH DESERVES BETTER

- FUCK THE DUKE WHO MARRIED CLAUDE

- CLAUDE IS A QUEEN WTF I LOVE HER SO MUCH I WANT TO MARRY HER OML

- narcisse can suck my dick

- im all for in charge charles

- i don't like gideon

- i have no investment in the elizabeth/dudley shep, but i still find it really sad

- god i hope that gideon doesn't stab mary in the back

- christophe is really creepy

- my inStiNctS weRe cOrRecT jEsuS ChrISt, christophe is insane

- gideon is also insane

- bash is perfect

- bash needs better sleuthing skills

- i fully support the lola and elizabeth friendship

- mary and gideon have no chemistry haha

- DEAR GOD I LOVE LEITH AND CLAUDE

- greer is so strong, i love her

- I’m so for greer and leith’s friendship

- jc not the bash love storyline again

- i totally forgot mary killed narcisse’s son

- wait at what point did mary meet her ladies??

- literally the only part in this show so far to make cry is when mary went back to defend catherine tbh

- idk why i feel sympathy for catherine

- if bash dies i will stop watching

- thank god

- elizabeth is honestly a better friend to lola than mary was

- charles is so dumb

- god why can’t he learn anything, obviously his friend was a traitor

- charles’ traitor friend is bobo nick jonas

- dark mary is my everything

- claude is her mother’s carbon copy

- the valois children have other siblings? where are they and why haven’t we heard of them?????

- munro is so hot

- bash is actually fucking insane

- why is charles so trustworthy?

- when did james become hot?

- mary is so great when she’s not needy and crying for a romance

- how does everyone just kill people so easily??? i can’t even get my blood drawn without wanting to throw up

- lola is HEARTLESS

- IM SO DOWN FOR A CLAUDE/LEITH WEDDING

- also troye sivan? i love it

- charles totally sucks

- wait what happened with the pagans in the blood woods?

- i cannot stand gideon and mary together

- i’m so sad for lola, she was such a good character

- dear god, this was the only death that i’m actually sad for (and this includes francis)

- i want more for john philippe

- NO I TAKE THAT BACK POOR LEITH

- knox is such a creep

- marys brother needs to stop

- i’m so down with seer bash you guys don’t even understand

- mary is wild omg i love this turn around

- when did james get so hot

- lola and francis’ child is so fucking cute omg

- charles’ mental breakdown is crazy

- ewwww gideon and mary are gross af

- I’m all for darnley

- poor claude honestly, but she is a saint

- if he hurts her, ill beat him up

- damn charles is a vampire

- leith deserved so much better

- i love him

- dude i don’t even give a shit about the other relationships in this show, leith and claude are the greatest

- poor leith, I’m so sad

- agatha’s death is so fucking depressing

- i love mary when she actually has a backbone

- yes motherfucker, murder darnley

- i have no sympathy for darnley’s true love dying, he’s so rude and deceiving

- i love the friendship between catherine and mary ahh

- i don’t know how i feel about greer and james

- where did lady kenna go?

- i like the juxtaposition between mary and francis’ wedding and mary and darnley’s wedding with the flowers and attendees and just overall feeling and how adelaide kane acted in it. you could tell that she truly loved francis but doesn’t love darnley and feels scared with him

- also the fact that mary doesn’t match with darnley’s outfits is an interesting choice

- the timeline on this show is very strange

- claude’s character development is beautiful

- the horny witch is my fav

- umm what she’s pregnant?

- nicole can suck my fucking ass fuck her stupid ass

- i wish the end wasn’t so abrupt tbh

- the last five minutes was so good, i teared up

- ugh now i feel empty inside and want to watch it again!!

ugh this show is so good, like insanely good. i feel like most of the time the characterization was wonderful. claude was my favorite, so its no surprise i like claude and leith the best. i didn’t like francis most of the time while he was alive but i missed his presence on the show. bash was an absolute gem. adelaide kane is so hot oml i died multiple times. i really enjoyed watching it!!!

rate: 9/10 archduchesses falling out of a window during sex (still my favorite part of the show)

favorite character: claude! queen catherine!! runner ups: bash, greer, leith, sometimes mary, elizabeth at the endish

favorite season: season 1!! can’t beat the drama!