#i never socialized w people frm school when i was in HS??

[nohkalikai]

i struggle to socialize outside church but nothing feels more suffocating than socializing in church ykwim

[jacobied]

hm.

jade lore lol cw abuse, suicide. this is so rambly and will make no sense probably

having a. quiet panic attack rn lol. been thinking about how isolated ive been for the past like...15 yrs. which is kind of insane to say lol i live in dt toronto and im online all the time

i dont think my parents used isolation as a tactic they like were not smart enough for tht lol ! it was just like a natural consequence w how much we fucking moved bc we were poor (like once every year and a couple times even in the middle of the school year)

the only people i saw consistently even through all the moves were my parents and their friends and their two daughters. i kiiind of grew up w them, we lived in like different parts of ontario and i only saw them like 3-4 times a year, but they stayed in the periphery of my life even through all of our moves. and then one of them outed me to my mom

ive never been good at keeping in touch w people not even w my own family. all my family except for my dad lives in china and they speak a language i barely know. my dads been abusive since i was in like grade school and even before the abuse got bad tm we barely ever talked to each other. i never see my mom but when i do shes also abusive ft their comically shitty divorce era. so isolation was always sucky reality but a safe one idk. i didnt have parents to support me but at least when they left me alone i didnt have to worry about getting hit or screamed at lol

all that just. built into a pattern of me fucking up any kind of social support/health i manage to build every couple of years. there were like a couple months in hs and college where i'd be completely nonverbal and like... complete shut down bc of how depressed and suicidal i was. i had no idea why it was happening and everyone thought i was mad at them but the idea of existing and taking up space froze me

i've deleted and remade my tumblr before, my instagram twice now bc it felt like i was killing myself. the longest standing sm i've had thats actually also gotten me to where i am in my career is twitter so ofc that seems to be the app swandiving into hell lollll

im like trying, working on better coping mechanisms and i think im doing better lately. but theres still this deep aching loneliness thats been building up frm over a decade tht im reckoning w bc the brain fog is lifting.

i straight up didnt know my mind could feel so clear if that makes sense? but im also just feeling the brunt of All Of This pretty head on now and its super overwhelming and idk. its like im so far behind in my life compared to everyone i know. also bonus Gender Thoughts and relationships thoughts and an ex who said she loved me and it just didnt feel real bc i didnt feel real

all this + just the constant worry of my industry and my career crashing down around me and how i literally have no back up plan lol. my back up plan for the longest time was to just die. i want to stop feeling like i have to kill parts of myself i want to live to be w my friends and i really want to pitch my ogn. im so excited about all that but it feels so abstract and far away