#i never know what the etiquette is for tag so this always stresses me hahaha | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ambrosiaswhispers · 8 years ago

Text

Fandom Fights. Hate. Inappropriate vs. Appropriate Reactions

Okay guys I’ve been struggling with this for several days. Some of you know what’s going on and some of you don’t… Not going to be specific, because I don’t want to make a dear friend to be uncomfortable. Now if you’ve interacted with me at all you already know that if someone comes after me and my work, I’m likely to let it go. In fact two of my dear friends have stuck up for me when Anons have been less than kind. However if one of my friends is attacked I’m not going to take it well. So after days of pacing, screaming, swearing, writing & deleting this message, crying (lots of crying) and random thoughts of deleting everything on this blog and yelling f’ it; I’ve decided to post this toned down message. This situation has brought up alot of painful memories for me. So what I’m going to do is talk about a personal experience that I’ve had with hate/attacks on my works and myself and how it affected how I comment on things.

I used to write in Fast and Furious fandom - some of my most successful pieces until recently - and a few years ago I stopped. I stopped because of all the drama. Let me rephrase: I stopped because of anonymous drama. People sent me nasty messages about my work and/or me without signing their own name to the review. Let me tell you this was frustrating, painful, and heartbreaking. I flat stopped writing for a spell because it made me nauseous to even touch my laptop. I kept hearing in my head “Great job ruining your story with your temper tantrum.” “This is so weird and unrealistic.” - doesn’t sound too bad but get 15 in a row like that and well…There were worse comments too, I got called a white-privileged bitch who understands nothing and doesn’t care about people’s feelings; attention-whore who only writes for reviews; and so on so forth.

I couldn’t write. Couldn’t do it. Writing is how I deal with my anxiety and my depression and for my outlet to be a new form of stress was intolerable. I lost weight, couldn’t sleep, was awful to the people around me, and while I never hurt myself physically I would lay in bed and stare at the wall just wishing I didn’t exist. I deleted those comments from the story where it was posted, but I kept them in a word doc… Sound self-harming and like an awful idea? Well maybe, but let me explain. Here’s why I kept those awful, hateful words… I wanted to make sure I NEVER did that to anyone. Now like most folks, I get passionate about my ships. When I feel someone does them wrong I want to throw a fit and pen a 10 page essay as to why everything they’ve written is wrong and demand to know why they will do such a thing to my babies, but then I re-read all that hate. I put myself back in those shoes when was I crying alone, completely unconsolable as my favorite thing in the world was the cause of my pain. I remember opening those messages being completely unprepared for what I read and how that felt: the devastation, the self-doubt that would rule me and the way those words would echo in my head for days. I remember thinking “maybe writing is something I just shouldn’t do.”

So when I feel someone has written something “incorrectly” -which in in quotes on purpose because we are writing fiction and that entitles us all to our own opinions- I do one of two things 1. I reach out privately to the writer, but signed into my account to allow for discourse. I begin with the phrase “I read your piece and I’d like to discuss it. How comfortable are you with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism/comments?” Until they message me back, I say nothing further. If they are okay with it. I discuss calmly (with no accusatory phrases) what I thought didn’t work, with my thoughts as to what I think could make it read better. I start almost everything point with “I felt like…/I think this conveys…” I NEVER use phrases like “You wrote this intentionally…/This is so wrong.. ” And I don’t use these phrases because I don’t know what they were thinking, I only know how I felt when I read the piece. Did you catch that? I don’t know what another writer is thinking, I only know how I FELT when I read it. What if missed something that explained it? What if there is something coming that’s going to make it make sense? What if it’s a language barrier? What if they thought they conveyed something completely different with those words?

Also I NEVER go after the writer on a personal level. That is NEVER acceptable. Let me repeat this: I NEVER ATTACK THE WRITER, EVER. I don’t attack the writer because it is NEVER ACCEPTABLE to go after a writer personally.

2. If I’m not comfortable reaching out to them directly - signed into my account and away from public eyes or if I wouldn’t say it if I were somehow face-to-face with the writer - I DO NOT COMMENT. I walk away. It doesn’t matter how upset I am or how offensive/wrong I think the piece is, if I won’t own my words and allow for discussion; I walk away. I’m not saying you can’t have your opinion on the piece. Your opinion on it is as much your right as the person who wrote it. If it upsets you to the point where you need to talk about it, but aren’t comfortable discussing with the writer then talk about it with someone else. However these discussions should remain private between you and your friend if neither of you is willing to reach out to the writer. And I know that when you feel like someone is attacking your ship the instinct is to fire the cannons - but was it really an attack? Did they tag you with a message of, “hahaha, I wrote this because your ship sucks.” - most likely not. Did they post it with the wrong tag and you feel like you got tricked into reading it? Okay, that’s super frustrating - I have a story that I click on once a month, I feel like it’s tagged wrong and I fall for it every time and go: “Ahhh! I didn’t want to read you, this is not my favorite. Uck.” But I haven’t reached out to the writer about the tag, so I just hit the “back” button and move on.

Now I know this message is very harsh for me. But understand that I take this very personal. There is a level of etiquette that we need to observe when leaving comments to fellow creative souls. Think about how you would feel if you received that message your about to send. What if you were forced to read those messages to the person you sent them to? If you wouldn’t be comfortable saying those things to someone in person or at minimum signed into your account, maybe you shouldn’t say them. I know that emotions run high when you read something that upsets you, but always take a step back before hitting send. I have never regretted taking another day to think about a comment/message before sending it.

I also want you to know that this is calm version of this message with most of cussing and rage removed. I have a temper, which I don’t lose it very often, but when I do watch out.

I have a lot of pieces in process right now. And honestly, I did have a moment of thinking of dropping them and waking away. Got some very strong encouragement from my husband about this being my sign to start focusing on writing publishable pieces vs fanworks. He said, “I’m not watching you doubt yourself and become a shell of who you are again. I won’t do it.” So…pat yourself on the back if you made it through my rant/story/advise/words… Whatever else this psa struck you as. If you want to send me Anon asks/comments/hate for this be my guest. I just want us all to show a little kindness and again think about that person at the other end of the keyboard.

I love you guys dearly, really I do. I want writing to be safe for readers and writers. That means we have to see both sides. So readers, take a day or two and calmly reach out to a writer if you’re upset, and writers be open to discussion. I’m going to spend the rest of my day writing, so feel free to reach out if you want to talk. Love to my Loves. ❤️❤️

13 notes · View notes