#i never fully accepted how horrific my trauma is until now and it's a lot

[deathepicx]

I'm so thankful that I don't live in any of my childhood homes anymore considering my trauma connected to them. There's a specific house and street that I actually live really close to but I refuse to go by it because of the horrific things that happened to me there. Most of it I've healed from and put behind me but a specific part of it that I don't think I'll ever fully heal from and put behind me.

[mittensmorgul]

As Above, So Below

I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly why the focus on “heaven is fixed and actually a paradise now!” is just so deeply unsatisfying to me. And I think I need to preface this with a bit of backstory about me, because I think that gives the rest of this essay some relevant context.

I know this isn’t relevant to my main point here, but this is a metatextual and thematically identical example of the exact thing I’m gonna lay out, because context is always helpful. So please forgive this seemingly irrelevant detour, because I promise it will be relevant by the end.

(plus, would it really be an Essay By Mittens™ without at least one baffling tangent? no, it would not!)

Tangent time!

I think everyone that follows me knows how skeptical I was... or should I say how WARY I was of the way Eileen was returned to the narrative this season. We were warned in the PREVIOUS EPISODE how much Chuck was attempting to interfere in their lives. I was accused of some very nasty things, of hating the ship, or hating the character of Eileen, or of hating Sam and not wanting them to be happy. No amount of pointing at obvious warning signs in the text, no amount of yelling about Sam’s God Wound or the absolute klaxon warning that the wound had become “quiet” and his Chuck-O-Vision Nightmares had apparently stopped seemed to matter. I was declared “wrong” and told to shut up.

And then 15.09 happened, and basically everything I’d been wary of was shown to be what actually happened, but there were still unresolved issues. Eileen doubted her own feelings and walked away. She doubted what was actually real. And at the time, I said many times that I would be thrilled to see those issues resolved by the end of the season, and for her to truly know that what she’d felt growing between her and Sam was real. And by the end of the season, despite my personal horror at her previous situation (and having that personal horror compounded by the fandom literally gaslighting me and attempting to bully me into ignoring this basic actual plot detail of this specific growth process which... in the context of what my personal objection was to accepting her return at face value in the first place having been personal trauma associated with gaslighting and manipulation...) by the time 15.18 aired, I was 100% convinced that Sam and Eileen had fully chosen each other, and felt the traumatic pain Sam suffered during that text conversation with her during the snap. She NEEDED to come back, because she had been set up to be part of Sam’s Win. They were clearly each other’s future.

The show literally put in all the work to make even *me* feel this to be True and Right and Good. And then after that point we never even hear Eileen’s name again. We never were told that she was even returned at the end of 15.19. Sam, who had been so entirely devastated by her disappearance in the previous episode that he couldn’t even process it was apparently hit with an amnesia hammer and just... never even thought about her again through a long greyscale life with a blurry baby Dean factory vaguely in the background of a single scene of his life. I can’t credit or justify how after an entire year invested in making us all truly care about Sam and Eileen and the happiness they found in each other if only the cosmos would allow them to choose each other in the end would just... erase all of that in the series finale.

Which brings me to the second tangent, which is specifically about *me,* and how I feel about the cosmic order in the television show Supernatural. Because I feel a lot about it. Probably more than most people ever did. And this is also important to understanding the main underlying point I need to make here.

Something I’ve been most looking forward to, for YEARS, about Supernatural eventually ending someday was writing a book, or a thesis, or even just organizing and compiling all my observations into a cohesive narrative specifically about the cosmology of the Supernatural universe. I’ve been cobbling together my observations and realizations about the nature of heaven, hell, purgatory, the empty, the alternate universes we’ve seen, and yes, even the cosmic function of the mundane level of the story as told by events that transpired on Earth. So of everyone watching this dumb show for the last 15 years, I don’t actually know anyone who cared more that I did about finding a satisfactory resolution and transformation of every plane of existence-- the mortal world AND the “afterlife realms” we’ve experienced on this show. And in the wake of the finale, I feel cheated out of that. Because in the end, it wasn’t about the triumph of free will and a flip of the script, it was just more of the same.

And now that I have those two preliminaries out of the way, I’ll finally get to the point. :’D

(hooray, it didn’t even take 1k words to get there for once!)

The “main stage” of Supernatural has always been Earth. It’s always been “Humanity.” At the very start, we meet two men whose lives had always been dictated to them by higher powers. At first, that “higher power” was their father who raised them in his vengeance mission, who trained them to hunt the supernatural. It was the inciting incident of the entire series, after all, their realization that forces outside of their control had irrevocably altered the course of their lives. It had forever torn down what they’d trusted in family, in personal safety, and would become something they couldn’t outrun or fight back against for long before another wave of cosmic discord would settle over them once more.

We watched this story play out in ever increasing spheres of cosmic significance, until Gabriel laid it out on the table for them in the simplest possible terms (in 5.08).

GABRIEL: You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate. SAM: What are you talking about? GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other. DEAN: What the hell are you saying? GABRIEL: Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always. A long pause. SAM and DEAN look down, then at each other. DEAN: No. That's not gonna happen. GABRIEL: I'm sorry. But it is. GABRIEL sighs. GABRIEL: Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be. ***

And isn’t that all even 1000x more painfully ironic that it all still happened even 10 years later? It was always going to end with them. And lol, “I wish this were a TV show” because if it was then it wouldn’t have to end bloody.

But this… was a Major Acknowledgement that the meta level of this story was consistent, and was telling us something important. It demonstrated that the Cosmic Structure Itself was the cause for Sam and Dean’s “destiny” in this story. But that’s not what the point of this story has ever been.

Nobody (including me, who is literally obsessed with this aspect of the story) has ever invested themselves in the narrative of Supernatural because they cared about the fate of the cosmic order over and above the fate of the characters who had committed to overthrowing it all, to “tearing up the pages” and writing their own destinies. I mean, we became invested because Sam, Dean, and Cas as characters took us by the hand and invited us to come along with them as they battled against fate for the good of EARTH and HUMANITY.

And certainly, Heaven being a horrific sort of eternal replay of the “highlights” of individual souls greatest hits, where free will didn’t apply as everyone was just boxed away into their individual holodecks to serve as some sort of giant Heaven Battery powering the furtherance of this narrative, this “cosmic order” that had become so powerful it dictated the events and manipulated the lives of people who still existed in the ostensible realm of free will and human life on Earth… that couldn’t stand in the end. But what the narrative (and people I’ve seen attempting to justify the finale as narratively sensible) seems to have forgotten was that all of that was Chuck’s construct to begin with. That without Chuck holding his kingdom in Heaven together, the walls of all those soul cubicles ceased to even be relevant.

After spending their entire lives to this point constantly fighting their way to the absolute pinnacle of the As Above, So Below narrative and pulling the plug on the original creator himself, Humanity should’ve triumphed. And I’d argue that it DID, through Jack restoring the missing essential “humanity” to the divine condition. And, silly me, I thought they’d achieved the promise of “paradise” heralded by Jack’s birth at last, and truly “flipped the entire script of the narrative.”

Ever since they thwarted the original apocalypse, I had hope that they would continue to achieve the same result right up the ladder. Metatron trying to fill the role of Chuck Junior hit his own narrative wall in TFW, while Dean’s battle with the Mark of Cain, and Cain telling him he was “living my life in reverse” and would succumb to destiny by killing his loved ones in the “reverse order” to Cain’s own path to downfall cemented this for me. Dean not only failed to kill any of his loved ones (you didn’t kill your own brother. why?), he SAVED them. He didn’t fulfil the prophecy in reverse, he subverted it. He UNMADE it.

Perhaps I was thinking on too grand a scale, that the ultimate inversion wouldn’t be “God is overthrown and replaced by more of the same,” but “God is overthrown and the entire order of the universe is restructured from the bottom up rather than the top down.

I’d hoped against hope that the conclusion of the narrative would be “As below, so above,” with the fundamental power of human love becoming the new foundation of the cosmic order. It never even occurred to me that “taking back the narrative to rewrite it for ourselves” was not the ultimate goal of Team Free Will, or the ultimate expression of their biggest win.

This whole “well heaven really needed to be rebuilt, there was still work to be done!” seems… irrelevant to me if they’d truly won free of the cosmic narrative. The entire structure of the universe-- including Heaven and Hell-- should’ve defaulted to the paradise state that Jack was literally born to bring to fruition. Wasn’t that the point of his entire role in the story, ultimately?

And if that wasn’t the case in the end, why did we never learn the fate of Hell? Was it just… irrelevant and unchanged after this? Or just… abandoned as a concept entirely? It’s just strange to me to put such a focus on heaven being the sole sphere of import in the end that it undercuts the essential humanity of the narrative for me.

The story itself had kept Heaven on a back burner for years, only occasionally mentioning that the structure of the place was falling further and further into disrepair with a dwindling force of angels struggling to keep the walls in place at all, that it seems like it could’ve been an afterthought at the end of the series rather than a focus so large it required the death of both main characters to make sure we all understood that Heaven Had Changed Now. Because TFW had never been fighting to make Heaven right. They’d been fighting to save the world itself, for humanity to all have a chance to live their lives as their own.

And we didn’t need to see that in the final hope they might get their own lives on Earth to explore. In the end, the fundamental narrative that Life On Earth was dictated by the cosmic structure of creation was never fully subverted. And for me, that’s the main reason I just… can’t accept the finale. It wasn’t a victory of free will and humanity, in the end it was just more of the same.

I appreciate the attempts to take the essential bones of the story we did get and apply a different polish to the surface of the skeleton, but to me it still feels like we’re looking at completely different beasts in the end. Like… to me this was as jarring a revelation as those drawing of modern animals reimagined as dinosaurs entirely based on their skeletons. Like, all along the narrative told me I was looking at a swan. They told me this skeleton they’re building out from is definitely a swan, without a doubt.  I know what a swan looks like-- a graceful feather-covered bird with magnificent wings. I trusted that in the end it would be at least remotely swan-looking. And then the finale ended up looking like this

and I just don’t even know where everything went so wrong. Or maybe all along I just assumed they actually knew what a swan looked like, but weren’t sure they could actually pull it off and settled for whatever the heck this is instead. Either way, I’m actually kinda grateful to the finale for being so entirely disappointing on every level, because otherwise I probably would’ve tried to adopt the monstrosity of it anyway. And I’m really, really glad I don’t have to.

[theshelbyclan]

Defiance

Summary: When your brothers went off to war, you couldn’t just sit and wait for them: you had to work, so as nurse Shelby, you started nursing in London

(Gif by @nofckingfighting​)

A/N: Anon requested: Hello, I saw that you write Shelby sister imagines? Is it ok for you to do me one please? I always imagine her being the same age as John and very close to Tommy. I was thinking along the lines of when the boys go to war she goes to a hospital in London dealing with soliders who need rehabilitation and help with PTSD. She doesn't come home until a year after the boys? Here's they are in trouble with Campbell and Billy Kimber Obviously take it wherever you like to I'm happy for whatever x I’m making this a two-part story, to be able to combine two different requests that had a lot of similarities. I’m using your request for the first part, and let me just say, this is such a beautiful idea that it deserves to be a film on its own. Hope I did it justice! :) Part 2 is Acceptance 

Warning: mentions of death, war and suicide.

Words: 3107

***

“I will not,” defiantly you stood in front of your superior, arms crossed in front of you and a rebellious scowl on your face. “Excuse me?” the head nurse turned around to face you, “This again, nurse Shelby?”

For a moment, you faltered. Going against a senior nurse was something that wasn’t tolerated, at all. And with good reason! The hospital wouldn’t be able to function properly. During the war, it’d been constant chaos, with men coming in and going out constantly. Dying was often a blessing, and there had been so much, so much death. But the war was over and still the men kept on coming.

“I’m not trying to rebel, nurse Miller,” you said, more meekly this time, “I just don’t see how this is going to help any of them.” “Doctor says it works,” nurse Miller replied matter-of-factly. “But does it?” some fire was coming back into you, “They are able to talk and walk again, sure, but that’s not the same as recovery, is it? The problem is not of a physical nature, it’s a mental struggle these men face.” The head nurse looked up from her work and turned fully towards you now, “Remember your place, nurse Shelby. Do as you’re told. Go on, off with you.” “What research has really been done concerning these…” you waved your hand in an annoyed manner, “methodsthat the doctors employ these days!” Thoroughly irritated now, nurse Miller dropped her work and one look told you all you needed to know: you were in trouble. Again. And so you were back to scrubbing bedpans yet again. All nurses were required to do this work and the long days without much sleep had hardened you all to the blood and filth. Still, some nurses were given this job more than others. Especially the nurses who couldn’t control their mouths around their superiors. Silently, you cursed your Shelby spirit.

But then your mind drifted off to the subject you had been discussing with nurse Miller and your blood began to boil again. ‘The soldier’s heart’, that’s what they used to called it. These were the men who could never sit still, felt anxious all the time and were constantly on edge. It had been considered a ‘normal’ condition for decennia, but it had taken on the form of an epidemic after the Great War. Brave men could no longer function and the severe psychological trauma haunted most of them still, even though the war had been over for several months now! ‘Shell-shock’ was now the popular term and doctors everywhere tried to fix the physical symptoms of the condition. You simply couldn’t fathom how none of them seemed to acknowledge that these were just symptoms: the real problem had taken root in the brain or the heart, maybe even in the soul.

“What did you do this time?” Daisy, or nurse Wells as was the proper term, asked you, when she saw you sitting on your knees in front of piles and piles of bedpans. You looked up and grinned sheepishly, “I disagreed with nurse Miller.” 

“Again.” “Again,” you admitted contritely. Daisy put down the towels she had taken in for washing, “If you’re going to disagree with anyone, choose someone less uptight! Might save your knees.” A small smile tugged at the corner of your mouth. Daisy was the perfect nurse: she could function on two hours of sleep a night, see the most horrific stuff and still work on tirelessly, while aiming to make the others smile. Where you’d be without Daisy you didn’t even dare think about. “Alright,” she sighed good-naturedly, “Tell me. What did you argue this time? And tell me you’re sorry afterwards, just to practise!” Full of anger, you threw down the brush, “Electro-shock therapy doesn’t fucking help anyone! These men went to hell and back and now their brains are protesting against all the horrors they witnessed. Their minds are revolting, as they should be! The only thing ever accomplished by shocking the men into talking again or walking again is that you’ve taken away their last manner of protesting against inhumane practises. Bravo! You’ve made them into full human bombshells now, without a peep of opposition. How in the fuck is that even medically sound!?” Daisy waited a moment, “So you’re not actually sorry.” “Fuck, no.”

She looked around the door for a second and then whispered, “Fuck.” Your head shot up and you grinned broadly, “Nurse Wells, what did you just say?” “I suddenly felt brave,” she shrugged a little, “thought I might be brave enough to say the F-word, with just you here to hear me.” Full of theatrics you stood up and offered her your hand, “I congratulate you earnestly. You have now crossed a line. Welcome to the fucking party!” Beaming, Daisy tried to scold, “You’re a bad influence on me.” “You should see the rest of the Shelby clan,” and a sudden pang went through you the very moment you had spoken the words. Your friend noticed at once, “Y/N, when are you going back?” “Can’t abandon the men now,” you said briskly, leaving very little room for discussion. Daisy hesitated and finally asked, “They did all come back from France, didn’t they?” “Yes.” “When did you hear?” Scrubbing again, you replied, “I never heard, but I’d know if something had happened to them.” Daisy nodded: she knew you well enough to know your instincts never failed you, even if it got you in trouble. A lot.

***

You were lying in bed and even though the shifts weren’t as long as they’d been during the war, sleep was still scarce. Many of you got five to six hours of sleep now, which had been unimaginable during the war! Still, exhaustion wasn’t unfamiliar to any of you and when the nurses hit their pillows, they often slept at once. Still, you were wide-awake at this very moment. When the war started, it didn’t take long for the boys to sign up. Your brothers went, full of energy and bravery and all women were left grieving at home. Ada kept her mind off it, something you were never good at. You couldn’t bear the thought of all these men dying out at the front, and for what? No one seemed to know. But aunt Polly had really send you over the edge. Every morning she got up to pray and at first you had joined her, but unrest had grown inside of you and praying simply wasn’t enough anymore. So, just like your brothers, you had decided and left for training in London. There was no arguing with you and no one tried.

But nothing could’ve prepared you for the things you’d seen during your time here as a nurse. The broken men, shattered limbs, blood and gore and death were easy enough to get used to. That thought alone made you frown in confusion: what has become of us, that we think that’s the easy part? But the endless streams of young men, hopeful men once, now broken and shattered like the fields of France themselves, that was the hard part. You fed them, nursed them, mended them, talked to them and held their hand if they went. And each and every face changed the moment just before they died: they were all one of your brothers. They were still alive. Aunt Polly had the gift of second sight and even though you weren’t sure what to believe, you had some of it too. Either way, you would’ve known if they were dead. But what were they like now? Because that was the real reason you daren’t go back to Small Heath. What is they were like some of these men, like ghosts trapped in the body of a once healthy human being? You wouldn’t be able to cope.

People always said that twins have a certain connection. You and John had never noticed anything of a special connection, apart from a certain gift for squabbling. But once he was at the front, when the bombs started falling, you could hear his screams in your mind. That’s when the connection had suddenly kicked in and it kept you up and made you tear your hair out for fear. God was cruel like that. “Are you a Shelby or not?” you suddenly whispered strictly to yourself. “Who is this, cowering away in London and fearing what she might see at home? Be a grownup and fucking face your family!” But something just stopped you.

***

For the next couple of weeks, you tried to get back into the swing of things. You worked harder than ever, with your exhaustion as a form of atonement. Daisy was worried and even nurse Miller told you to slow down at some point.

And then you sat next to a bed of a dying soldier. Your shift had finished already, but still you’d refused to leave him. And why? Because he reminded you of Arthur. “Nurse?” he asked feebly. You shook your head to get rid of the thoughts roaming about, “I’m here,” you comforted him. “I can’t see,” he said, “Is that normal?” You took his hand, “I’m right here. Can you feel my hand?” He grabbed it a little tighter, “Yes. You have soft hands.” You smiled warmly at him. He asked again, “Nurse?” “Yes.” “When I get better,” he tried to sit up a little, “Can I maybe take you out some time?” He sure as hell wasn’t the first one to ask, so his request didn’t embarrass or shock you in the slightest. You tried to put on a chipper voice, imitating Daisy, “I don’t know. It depends, I suppose: where would we go?” The wounded soldier smiled, “I can take you to the movies. That’s what the Americans call it, did you know? The movies…” You couldn’t help but smile, “Which film would we go to?” “I’ll take you to that new romantic film, the one with that famous American actor.” “You quite like the Americans, don’t you?” you joked. He smiled again, suddenly revealing how handsome he actually was, “Americans, they have a way with women.” “So do you!” “Does that mean you’ll go with me?”

“When you get better, we’ll go to the movies,” you confirmed. But he didn’t get better. The next day, he was back to his ailing and screaming. The trouble with his mind was that sometimes the fragments seemed to recompose again and he was as sane as any man, but at other times, the war bombed his soul. His physical injuries were extensive and his chances of survival were slim. Still, the doctor was adamant on trying shock therapy on him, thinking it might help with both his physical and psychological ailments. You didn’t agree, but kept your mouth shut for once. Still, you screamed into your pillow the next night, feeling so fucking helpless at the sight of pointless suffering. The next morning, nurse Miller send you over to that soldier once again to change his bandages. All light had left his eyes. Practically inaudibly, he said, “Nurse?” “I’m here,” you took his hand again in yours. “Would you’ve done it? Would you’ve allowed me to take you out?” “Of course!” you exclaimed, “Not every day a handsome young man asks a girl like me out!” He paused for a moment, “Honestly?” “Honestly,” you said. Suddenly, he relaxed and fell back into the cushions. You frowned a little though, slightly worried about why he was no longer sure of his recovery. But there was more work to be done and you had to be on your way again. When nurse Miller told you he’d gotten hold of a razor somehow and killed himself in the night, something inside you shattered. That was it. You were done. ***

On the train to Birmingham, you couldn’t help but think about how much you’d changed. Once a Small Heath gypsy, being on edge about not being useful enough, you’d left full of innocence. Well, maybe not innocent, you were a Shelby after all. But you’d grown up being protected by young brothers, fighting them and others constantly, and still you considered your childhood a happy one. The amount of times you’d screamed at them, “I’m not a child anymore!” was insane, but only now you felt like that sentence was justified. The war had changed you too. Quickly, you’d send Aunt Polly a telegram before departing London. It said: ‘I’m coming home. Still alive. Make sure the boys save me some whiskey.’ She wouldn’t be pleased with a message like that, but you couldn’t wait to deal with the consequences again. Stepping off the train and back onto familiar ground felt like entering a dream. Oh, how you had missed the stench and noise! Without a thought, you took off your shoes and walked barefoot through the muddy streets. Watch out, Birmingham, you thought cheekily, the pauper princess is back! All nerve left you as soon as it’d come when you stood in front of your house at Watery Lane. And while you were still plucking up the courage to open the door, it swung wide open and nearly hit you square in the nose. A flash of green came rushing out and two arms squeezed the life out of you. “Where the hell have you been?” they demanded. Softly, you breathed in the smell of her perfume, “Fucking working, Ada, unlike you.” “Aunt Pol is going after you with the wooden spoon and I won’t lift a finger to save you,” she scolded, without letting go. You rolled your eyes into your sister’s hair. And then you suddenly noticed, “Looks like you’ve been busy as well!” Ada stepped back and looked down, “Seven months. Can’t even see my toes anymore, I’ve gotten so fat.” “Not much to look at anyways,” you commented. Ada slapped your shoulder and you winced. At least nothing had changed between you two.

With Aunt Polly it was an entirely different story. As soon as you walked into the house, she froze and fixed you with one of her stares that could make empires crumble. You could feel your shoulders slumping, your heart racing and you held your breath. Nothing had changed there either: it was like you were eight years old again. Slowly, she walked over to you and took a long hard look at you, never releasing eye contact. Then she grabbed your face and you almost winced, but instead she said, “You need to eat. Sit.”

Not hesitating, you obeyed at once. Without a word, she threw your telegram on the table. The silence was filled with anxiety-fuelled electricity and she let you calmly simmer in it for a few more moments. Then she spoke, “You have ten seconds to explain, before I slap you back to London myself.” So you took a big gulp of breath and explained, “I got into another fight with the head nurse and then everything went to shit and I didn’t know what to do, because I felt guilty, because he died and I fucking cannot with those doctors, because I knew work would be hard and I signed up for it, but all of a sudden I was just done, and I wanted to come back sooner, but I was scared Tommy and Arthur were dead and that John was, well I wanted to come sooner but didn’t know how to come back, and also I was you know scared that you might not take it well, and how I left, and yeah well, I was afraid this was going to happen…” “Leave her be,” Ada said to your aunt, “She’s worn out.” “It’s been eight months since the war ended,” Aunt Polly said, her face still not betraying any emotion, “We thought you were gone.” “I’m okay, Pol,” you said carefully. “How the fuck were we supposed to know?” She burst out, “No note, no letter, nothing. And now you think you can just show up, like the queen of fucking Birmingham, after writing some shitty telegram that made me drop my favourite teacup?” “Oh no, the blue one?” you asked. Ada glared at you, her eyes saying: not the right fucking response right now. So you cast your eyes downwards, “I’m sorry, Pol. The work, it just drags you in. I kept on seeing their faces in all the wounded soldiers I took care of. It was the only way I could cope.” Aunt Polly’s face softened a little, “It’s the waiting. The waiting almost killed the women.”

Images of wartime nightmares flashed in front of your eyes. Waiting was the thing you were terrible at, as it turned out. It ate you up inside, and now you’d done it to them. Finally, Aunt Polly’s reaction made sense.

“Forgive me,” you pleaded.

Your aunt walked over to the table and sat down next to you. She took your hand in hers and a wave of reassurance washed over you, “You’re like a working horse. They go crazy when they rest. You leaving shouldn’t have come as a surprise to us. It’s good to have you back. Welcome home, Y/N.”

No longer able to contain yourself, you flung yourself forwards and hugged your aunt. Tears fell from your eyes and finally, ease came over you.

Then you heard voices from the other room. Arthur’s voice first, loud and angry. He hadn’t changed much either then, perhaps a little angrier than before. Then Tommy’s reply, cold and business-like. He sounded like dad now. Finally your twin: John laughing like he was still playing in the gutter. For a few minutes, you didn’t move. You just listened to them and revelled in their sounds. These were the sounds of brothers, still alive, and you couldn’t be happier about it.

“Billy Kimber has a bloody army!” Arthur shouted.

You looked towards Ada for some kind of explanation, but she just rolled her eyes. Aunt Polly sat back and lit a cigarette. The fact that she gave that one to you, before lighting another for herself, showed she now thought of you as an adult as well. The moment was brief, but so intimate.

With a bang, the door slammed open en Arthur came storming in. Tommy was sighing deeply and still cursing right behind him, and through the open door you could see John. They all froze when they saw you, all at the same time, jaws practically hitting the floor.

“Billy Kimber, eh?” you merely said, “Looks like I showed up just in time.” 

***

Masterlist

[talkfantasytome]

In Defense of Misogyny?

NOPE!

Before I start, I will not be defending misogyny. There is no defense for misogyny. I'm just a bit of a bitch who couldn't resist a controversial title. *shrug*

I saw a conversation recently about how horrible it is that the fandom loves Eris and is quick to hate Mor. I was going to post my response in a reblog, but I realized that, on top of the post ending up very long, I wasn't fully responding to the conversation at hand. I was sharing my own thoughts that only semi-relate.

If you're interested in that convo, you can find it here.

However, I am not going to directly respond to this, because the conversation made good points. And I very much agree, in theory, that we should not be more forgiving of males than females in general.

Instead, I just want to share my own feelings on why it may not be misogyny to like Eris and dislike Mor, and the main questions to ask to understand that.

First and foremost - I would like to state that we can not and should not hold women to a higher standard than men. In this, I hands down agree.

I will also agree that it absolutely can be sexist/misogynistic to love Eris and hate Mor. However, as someone who, while in the throes of ACOSF, was upset with Mor and still liked Eris (or, enjoyed him? I love Eris, but I'm not always 100% sure I truly love him, or the character and the mystery behind him and my own hopes of who he might actually be), I don't consider myself or my reasons to have been sexist.

Also, I would like to point out that I did not end ACOSF still very upset with Mor. My current feelings are that I hope to see more of her to fall back in love with the character, as I did love her, for the most part, especially in ACOMAF. And I totes ship Mor/Emerie.

That being said, I think we have to take a moment to consider a multitude of factors around why one might currently be more forgiving of Eris than Mor, as well as other pieces, that may or may not show this as true misogyny.

1. Why are we mad at Mor?

Personally, for me, yes, I don't love that Mor hasn't said anything to Az, even in the vein of just telling him it's not going to happen. It's not that she must do this, or that Az deserves that, specifically. It's more that it would be the right thing to do. But, I'm not mad at Mor for this, because I understand why she doesn't. Similarly, there is no male character who I'm solely mad at because they kept a secret.

No, what hurt me the most about Mor - and yes, hurt me is the best way to describe it - was her complete disdain and hatred for Nesta. I am, generally speaking, biased toward Nesta, and I do recognize this. But it doesn't change where I came from. She was horrible to Nesta almost from the get go. Sure, she brought Nesta to the Night Court and then, the next time we see them together, Mor is snapping at Nesta. She basically ignores Nesta when Nesta decides to join them for the High Lord's meeting. She causes Cassian to pull his hand away from Nesta during the war - which, admittedly, was a Cass action I'm still waiting for an explanation on, but it still had to do with her. Cassian was doing that for her, which means that he believed him holding Nesta's hand might hurt Mor or something - why? What is it that makes Mor soooo against this compared to everyone else? It's either a selfish reason - i.e. the buffer thing - or it goes back to her just hating Nesta the most. She then basically yells at Nesta for waiting at Cassian's tent when he's injured - for caring for Cassian. And then, in SF, when we first see her she is insulting Nesta to Cassian, and then straight to Nesta's face.

Perhaps it is all about feeling like Nesta brings her friends pain. Perhaps it is a fear of how Nesta could change the inner circle. But, we are never given Mor's full reasons, and even other POVs don't really give us anything to go off of. So all we see is Mor hating Nesta.

We see Mor hating a woman who has just gone through some serious trauma. Multiple traumas, really. And she probably disliked Nesta even as a human, though again we didn't really see them interact, only Mor being shocked at Cassian's declaration to Nesta. Which can't help but make you wonder if that played any part, too.

So, in the end, what made me the most hurt by Mor's actions toward Nesta, and words about Nesta, was the fact that Mor seemed to not care at all about what Nesta was actually dealing with, she only cared that Nesta was being a bitch.

Mor - who has faced her own horrific traumas, yet can't see it in herself to give someone else who has faced trauma the benefit of the doubt. Mor - who was so kind to Feyre, and very forgiving of Feyre basically ignoring her that first time she was in the Night Court, understanding Feyre's trauma. Mor was holding Nesta to a double standard. Basically, my hurt and anger toward Mor stemmed from the same anger that went into that original post - anger at a double standard toward a female who is suffering from trauma. Because Mor, one who often seemed posed as a defender of woman, a representation of how one can heal and grow from trauma, but how that trauma will still always affect them, couldn't find it in herself to even understand that Nesta was dealing with her own trauma, and what she needed was healing and help. Not insults and being thrown into the Hewn City.

Is it not maybe understandable how it would actually be harder to forgive Mor for showing such a double standard? For showing such little care or sympathy toward someone who has faced her own trauma? How saying that Mor should be loved because she has gone through so much might be almost hypocritical, considering who Mor is showing hatred toward?

I do understand how Nesta could hit closer to home. She sees Nesta to be as bad as the people she was raised with. But, honestly, that doesn't make it better. It just reminds me that Mor is actually often blind to the truth when she doesn't want to believe it or face it. She runs from it, she fights it, and while she is in her right to do so, it is not okay to do so by hurting another person, another woman who has also been through more trauma than Mor even realizes.

I don't find that anger, or upset (which is really more how I felt about Mor) to be a form of misogyny, at least not on its own. Because my feelings for other characters, my interpretations of their actions, may be wholly different, and it's not that I'm holding Mor to a higher standard. It's that I hold certain issues above others, and to me, holding people to a double standard is at the top of the list on what will annoy me about someone else the most.

2. Who else are we mad at? Is it only Mor? Or are there others we are also mad at, and for what reasons?

We should also consider who else a person is mad at, if not Eris, to see are they really holding Mor/women to a higher standard.

Using myself, again - the person I came out of ACOSF the most mad with/upset about was, hands down, Rhys. Not Mor. In fact, by the end of the book, I'd lightened a lot toward Mor, because I did see how Mor was changing and adjusting. She saw Nesta healing, and her attitude toward Nesta shifted. And, to be perfectly honest, I am SERIOUSLY HOPING we will see them have a heart-to-heart, get to know each other, get to understand each other, apologize to each other (especially Mor for how she's treated Nesta, and the things she said to her when Nesta was literally depressed and dealing with PTSD - cause those things weren't okay) and come out the other side, if not as friends, than at least as two females who respect each other. Because I think we all, including Mor and Nesta, need that. But, despite that, we did at least see Mor be better with Nesta. It showed Mor's openness to possibly accepting a new truth about Nesta, which I was happy to see.

Now, back to who are we mad at. Like I said, even if we're considering the middle of ACOSF, when I was fully upset with Mor, my feelings toward her never got to where they still are with Rhys - I don't care about his gifts, until he proves to me he actually cares even a little bit about Nesta as her own person and not as Feyre's sister, I will struggle with him. So, again, can we argue that my feelings were misogynistic if, in the end, my greatest anger was actually toward a man?

On top of that, my anger toward Rhys is far more aligned to what I was feeling about Mor. Because, again, it was about his treatment of a character dealing with trauma. If anything, my double standard is toward Rhys. I don't think it's a double standard, because my expectations of Rhys were higher considering his previous actions, and how he supposedly cared about all of his people. Not because he was a man, but because of what we see from him vs. Mor, particularly in ACOWAR. And, also, you know - Rhys did other things that made me super mad. Mor never threatened Nesta's life, for example.

Conversely, any anger I've have toward Eris (and, I'll admit, there's still a bit), entirely surrounds what he did/didn't do 500 years ago. I'll go into more detail on why I may offer my forgiveness in the next section, but in regards to the anger - I don't see these aligned. My anger toward Rhys and Mor revolve mostly around double standards they seem to have and a lack of understanding or caring for someone who is clearly struggling with trauma. Something that, personally, I think they should both be on the side of truly understanding, considering their own experiences. Eris, on the other hand, it's an anger for leaving Mor to die. I'm not saying that this is a "better" thing to do, it's just that the two angers don't align. I'm not holding Mor to a higher standard, because I do not see the two as the same. Thus, their paths toward forgiveness may look very different, because I will be looking for different things in each of them.

3. What is the person now doing? Have they earned forgiveness?

I'm not saying Eris has earned forgiveness. I'm not saying Mor hasn't. That is up for all of us to interpret.

That being said, what we've seen from Mor does not include any signs of regret for her actions. We do not see her actively trying to make things better between her and Nesta, to understand Nesta, or that she has any sorrow for what she said to her. At best, we see Mor polite to Nesta, and maybe willing to get to know her better. The absolute best interaction was at Solstice, when Mor asked if she might be able to join. As I mentioned, I am hopeful for these two - in part cause my head canon is that they could actually be amazing friends, but that's for another day - and I really loved seeing Mor willing and interested to join in, despite it being with Nesta (and kinda Nesta's thing), as well as seeing Nesta being willing and interested to have Mor join, even if it's just solely for the priestesses. But, that is one interaction and, again, doesn't actually show any repentance from Mor for her own actions against Nesta.

I know some people will say "you mean just that one 'mean' thing Mor said?" - yes. Though it wasn't just that one time, was it? Because there have been multiple times Mor has shown a true disdain for Nesta, while also showing a true indifference to the fact that Nesta was struggling. The other best example of this was when Cassian was hurt in the war, and Nesta was waiting outside his tent, clearly terrified. Mor, also upset, by many things, took it almost entirely out on Nesta. She was either blind to Nesta's feelings for Cassian (doubtful), or she simply didn't care, and instead snapped at her, all while Nesta was probably terrified and fearing the worst in her mind.

The two never talked about this either. And we don't know if Mor regrets those things she's done and said, or even just feels bad, and we also don't have a full understanding of her reasons, or even if there are valid reasons. Because she doesn't talk about it - or, at least, we haven't see her talk about it. I truly hope we will get some answers to all of this. But, right now, we don't even really get hints - we simply assume she must have a reason, because she's Mor and she's great and so she must have a reason we can understand and accept. Still, we don't know, and we don't see her even be held accountable for those actions - admittedly, an issue with most of the Inner Circle and the lack of them being held accountable for how they've treated certain people.

Eris, on the other hand, while what he did was truly horrific, has admitted that he really regrets his actions - or inactions. And he has stated that he had his reasons - reasons that cost him. So we know that he has, in fact, paid for what he's done, at least to some extent. And, more so than that, his current actions seem, to me, to prove this. His constant attempts to ally with the Night Court, to try and do the right thing. Yes, when we saw him at the High Lord's meeting, he was wrong to say what he did to Mor. But we also cannot hold that at full face value and be mad at him for that one thing without remaining mad at Rhys for all he's done while wearing his High Lord of the Night Court mask. Again, that would be a double standard. We can be annoyed by it, but if we forgive Rhys for playing a part, we must also forgive Eris. (This statement, of course, is based on my interpretation that Eris is good at heart, but has made a number of mistakes and is essentially forced to be awful due to his place in life.)

However, despite that one thing, everything else we see from Eris, seems repentant. It is, of course, my interpretation of Eris. But considering all the things he's done, the little threads we get that show us he's not the awful monster we were told he is. He has been working to earn forgiveness, and is doing the right things now - just still often wearing that Autumn Court mask. And, if we're going to forgive Rhys for all the monstrous things he's done, because he has shown himself to be better than that, then it's okay to at least consider forgiving Eris.

So, why is it wrong to be willing to forgive someone for something that he has shown he is seeking forgiveness for? But to maybe not be forgiving another for something that she has not sought forgiveness for? Can we forgive someone for something if they don't realize what they did was wrong? In my opinion, no. Yes, people say that the only person you ever really need forgiveness from is yourself. And I don't fully disagree - I think we do need to forgive ourselves. But, again, only once we understand what we did, how and why it was wrong, and when we want forgiveness. Then we forgive ourselves, and at the least can hope that our actions show that we understand this truth, and others may forgive us even if we don't ask blatantly. In the end, though, we do need to ask for forgiveness. It's just a matter of whether we are vocalizing that request, or showing it in our actions.

Summary

Again, I'm not saying that there aren't times where this is a true double standard. Where people just love Eris and hate Mor, and maybe even blame Mor for what went down with Eris (and, if they do, I will fight them on that because Mor is blameless in that situation - idgaf if she slept with Cassian, I will not blame her for wanting out of that marriage).

I am also not trying to convince anyone that they should love Eris, or that they should dislike Mor - especially seeing as I don't fully dislike Mor, I'm just waiting for the best Mor to come back.

I'm only saying that we really can't make assumptions and say that loving Eris and hating Mor automatically means misogyny. Some things hit closer to home than others - as I mentioned as a possible reason why Nesta is such a struggle for Mor. It could very well be solely about what it is they do and don't forgive each person for. And, personally, I think finding out if a person who is angry with Mor was also angry with Rhys during ACOSF is a much better gauge than comparing Mor and Eris.

I don't believe that Mor owes anyone any explanations. Clearly, my own feelings around Mor have really not revolved around what she may or may not be hiding about Eris. Of course I want to know, I'm a nosy reader. But, if she's hiding something for her friends about that, she has her reasons and I'll accept them so long as they don't end up being, like "well, I just wanted you all to hate Eris forever". But, typically, Mor's reasons have to do with her own trauma and fears, and I accept that. It may, at times, be self-centered - but sometimes don't we all need to be a bit self-centered?

However, I think that we need to truly compare the anger, compare the reasons, to understand why some might like one character and dislike another. It is not feminist to automatically support a woman if she is in the wrong. It is not misogynistic to forgive a man and not a woman for two entirely different situations and reasons. We have to remember that feminism is supporting gender equality in every way - workplace, personal lives, laws, etc. Feminism is not supporting female superiority, which is exactly what happens when you compare two people for things that are not comparable, and then state that you must be more forgiving of the female.

After Thoughts on Mor

I am truly hopeful that we will see Mor and Nesta's relationship grow. And I would like to see more of the Mor we met in ACOMAF, tbh. I have felt, as has been observed by others, that Mor's character and journey has been incredibly chaotic and inconsistent. She was the bomb.com in ACOMAF with how she was with Feyre. Then, in ACOWAR, she was a bit moody, she was mean and harsh toward Nesta (and still has explaining to do on some of this and the Cassian stuff), and she just wasn't really who we met in ACOMAF. I don't really remember much about ACOFAS. But, in ACOSF, again, Mor was different. Except, instead of being just moody and harsh toward Nesta when pushed, now she's completely unforgiving and dismissive of Nesta. And, honestly, that wasn't the Mor I was expecting. I would have expected Mor to be one of the first to maybe realize that Nesta was dealing with trauma. I guess that expectation shouldn't have been held considering ACOWAR, but it was different. I still thought Mor might understand, to an extent - might be at least willing to help Nesta heal, or want to see her healed. Instead, we got someone who said Nesta should just be thrown into the Hewn City - to Cassian's face. So, on top of not giving a damn about Nesta at all (the female that saved Cassian's life, full stop), she also didn't show much caring or understanding of Cassian, one of her best friends. Not until after she saw what a comment like that did to him. And yes, Mor may be just dealing with her own trauma, I understand that. It's why I still have a hard time saying I was truly angry with Mor, but more hurt by/upset with her in ACOSF. Because it may be something deeper that caused her to be this way. Or just her own preoccupation with what's going on in her life. But, in the end, it was still targeted at one person, the one person who probably could handle it the least.

That's my long winded way of saying that I have a lot of hope for Mor's character in the future, and that I don't actually hate her. I just hope that we get to understand her better, understand the reasons she's had for what she's done, but I also hope we see her held accountable (and the rest of the IC).

As always, this is just my own personal opinion, and I accept that others' opinions may be different. I promise to respect yours, all I ask is that you respect mine. I'm not opposed to dissenting arguments, just asking for no attacks. :)

[the-nado-hunter]

So i just finished watching infinity train book 3, and god damn i’m thinking a lot about all the characters with trauma in animation and whether they get a redemption arch or not.

So when should a character get a redemption arch? When should they not?

I wound up thinking about some of the paralells between simon and catra, both of them have similar bouts grasping for power and control, both of them do some really bad things, and both of them blame someone else for “making” them do bad things.

So what’s the difference? Why did Catra end up redeemed and Simon died in probably one of the most horrific ways I’ve ever seen in modern western animation that’s generally aired with a familly audience in mind (save for maybe the hanging scene in Tarzan)? What’s the difference between the two?

I think for one Catra was actually manipulated, and Simon only thought he was being manipulated. Simon was convinced anything that didn’t align with what he thought had to be a lie. He was abandoned, even if on accident, that’s hard for a kid in a scary place to go through, and he latched on to Grace early on but he retained trust issues after that.

Catra was abused and manipulated by shadow weaver who had pit her against adora since they were children and never ever given the attention and love she needed as a child. She learned that climbing for power in the hoard was the only way to not be hurt. In her mind, everything would be fine if she could gain control.

Simon also felt that control was the best way to cope. Being a part of the Apex as a leader by Grace’s side meant he felt fulfilled and never had to deal with either the consequences of their actions due to the apex members convincing themselves that non-passengers were all liers/manipulaters, so it made it easy to harm and destroy them because they convinced themselves they didn’t need to feel empathy for them because they were “nothing”. Even if people like Lake, Hazel, Tuba, Samantha the Cat, and Atticus have all shown us to this point that they certainly do have feelings and act in self preservation as well as feel loss on a deep level. Its actualy being around and getting to know Hazel due to mistaking her for a passenger that lets Grace begin to see that... but Simon resents Hazel from beginning to end, wheels Tuba and feels no regret for it, even before knowing she wasn’t a passenger he didn’t treat Hazel with any empathy despite Grace begging him to “think of how you felt when you lost your friend when you were her age”, and treated Hazel as a means to an end at best. Because Hazel upset the status quo he felt initially, his control was slipping, he couldn’t tell everything that was going on with Grace all the time, and he reacted violently.

Then in She-Ra... eventually Catra listened, she felt guilt, she was open to being wrong, while she had her moment of anger of being treated unfairly and tried to blame adora for all her problems despite adora offering to help and let Catra come with her numerous times... she realized she needed to change, she realized she needed to work through things, and realized that if she wanted adora to stay in her life, she had to show Adora she cared and stop pushing her and everyone else away out of fear.

Simon on the other hand... never questioned himself. Even when repeatedly hurting and trying to kill someone he supposedly loved. When he hurt Grace he didn’t feel remorse, he felt there was something wrong with her for feeling hurt. When Grace didn’t act or say the things he wanted, he got angry and violent. He invaded her memories and her mind and forced her to relive trauma- giving the excuse that if she hadn’t lied to him, this wouldn’t have happened. This a tactic a lot of abusers use, they blame the victim for making them act that way. Its a way of control by trying to tell the victim “if you do what I say, you won’t get hurt” Sure, when he shoved Grace off the train and thought she had died, maybe somewhere deep down there was a thought of “oh god what have I done” but he still reacted violently. His trauma consumed him, because he didn’t want to change, he was unable to see anything wrong with what he was doing because he was right. I’d theorize that even in that moment where his expression shifted then shifted back, even then he was justifying in his own mind that it was necessary, that Grace made him do that.

The train couldn’t help someone who can’t change. Its tragic, because when we see a character like that on screen and watch him through the lighter moments in the show you... hope that he’ll be redeemed... right? Have a change of heart? But he didn’t. If he had any remorse at all, it was too little too late. That is a real thing that happens, you hope that people will change, get help, turn around and redeem themselves... but sometimes... that doesn’t happen. And it’s not on the people around that person to “fix” them, its not their responsibility to feel guilty for not “doing enough” or “doing the right things” when that person refuses to do anything differently and continues to harm people and act in violence. That’s full on victim blaming, and no one ever deserves that.

Even when Catra is in full villain mode, as Double Trouble pointed out you can tell her heart isn’t in it. What she did to Entrapta in a moment of panic haunted her, loosing Scorpia was a wake up call of how she pushes people away. She came to the conclusion that she wasn’t right, then in the last season she stopped blaming everyone else, she stopped blaming adora, she and adora both stood up to shadow weaver for constantly trying to tear them apart and torturing Catra to try and make Adora do what she wanted.

Catra... broke out of it. When she saw Adora and how angry she was after Catra opened the portal, when Double Trouble gave her a reality check, and I’d argue especially after she was rescued from Horde Prime and Adora, incredibly hurt said “you don’t have to see me anymore” fully realized she has to figure out how to stop pushing others away, because she doesn’t like that she’s hurt her friends, and she accepts responsibility and tries to help. She’s not going to be perfect, we still see that she lashes out and pushes people away here and there even after being saved from horde prime, but the difference is she wants to change, she wants to do good, she not only wants adora in her life, but wants adora to be happy, and it infuriates her when Adora feels like she has to sacrifice herself for everyone else.

Simon didn’t stop when he saw Grace was hurt, crying, scared of him, growing away from him, and instead of feeling sympathy, sitting down and talking to her not going “what’s wrong with you??”. When grace realizes Simon is hurt when in the cabin with Samantha, she immediately goes after him and says “this must be hard for you, i’m sorry I didn’t see it... this is why I’ve been distracted.” But even then, Simon still seems to take Grace’s problem as a threat, something that needs to be fixed so things can go back to “normal” I.E. when he felt in control. Grace herself pointed out he was making everything about him. Because at all points when he sees her upset, he blames her, tells her she’s been brainwashed, that she’s not acting “normal”. He blames her every step of the way then plays victim. By the end he’s become an abuser through and through, the whole time blaming everyone else for his own actions. He invaded Grace’s mind, forced her to relive her most traumatic memories to trap her in her own mind, then tried to kill her right after she saved him.

I think that’s the difference between the two. One wanted to change and recognized their actions hurt people and felt guilt for it... anything Catra did is a byproduct of what the Horde raised her to be, for anyone that was found as a child by the hoard and manipulated and played against Adora by Shadow Weaver. She was trained to be a soldier, and told she would suffer if Adora fell out of the Hoard’s control. When she has her breakdown when she’s supposedly at the top of her game, its because she deep down doesn’t want to do this, she’s climbed her way to the top hoping that she’ll stop feeling and be “happy”, but she’s got to the top, and lost everything that she really cared about, and it gets to her.

The other insisted they were right and if someone was hurt by him they made him do it right up until the end. He became the leader of the Apex, his whole body covered in numbers, more than anyone - but as long as Grace was around to question him, his control wouldn’t be absolute. There’s still a certain amount of doubt to be eliminated.

And that’s why one got a redemption arch and was given the chance to change... and one was completely destroyed by their own actions. Catra (and also Glimmer honestly) shows how you can come out of trauma on the other side and begin to heal while still acknowledging that your trauma doesn’t justify your actions when they hurt people, but you can take steps and accept help that make it so your not having to face it all alone.

Simon is a cautionary tale about how when trauma goes un-dealt with, when don’t want to change, accept help, or even consider any other view point , and don’t take accountability for the damage you inflict on others, it consumes you and inevitably destroys you. And eventually the trauma he inflicted on everyone else came back to bite him.

Last thing I’ll say is fucking good for Grace for telling him to his face she’s not responsible for him and his actions, and no longer taking all the blame he was throwing at her for daring to have empathy, be kind, and want things to be different.

Those are my thoughts at least. I’m so glad these shows are taking a serious hard look at these topics, and now we can say we have shows that cover these topics in an adult way and don’t sugar coat it. Simon is a well written character, because it shows how someone can become abusive and violent resulting from trauma... but unlike a lot of movies about serial killers and whatnot, it doesn’t for a moment try to say he’s justified in anything he does. We feel the very real emotions from Grace coming to terms with changing her own views and also the horror and hard emotions that come from this guy that was her closest friend turning on her and hurting her like this. Those are some really... really complicated emotions to go through in a short animated show, but god damn... they did it

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hey, can you talk more about your f/os from k-drama Black? I've never seen or heard about that tv show but having Grim Reapers as a comfort f/o seems interesting. I'd love to hear you talk more about them.. but, of course, it's okay if you don't want to share about them yet or ever 🥰🥰 <3

Hi, darling!💖 How are you? I really miss talking to you and I hope that you're safe and well afghjkl🥺🥺🥺

I'm so sorry that it took me so long to respond to this! I've not really known how to answer this question. I am more than happy to discuss any of my beautiful F/Os at any time, but with my Grim Reaper F/Os it's quite complicated because so much of who they are is something I can't really explain unless you watch Black because it's... rife with spoilers. For most of the show you don't really know who the characters are right up until the last five episodes and then everything which confused you across the whole time you watched the show begins to make sense and it's only on the second re-watch that you fully begin to appreciate the genius of the show writers. It's without a doubt my absolute favourite K-Drama (and I've watched most of the ones which are on Netflix so I've watched... a fair few ksksksk). I really can only say so much about this to answer your question and that makes it difficult😂 I do love a challenge, though, so I'll try my best!💛

Under a cut due to mentions of suicidal ideation (mine; I go into some detail), mentions of trauma (mine; unspecified), Death and its personification, Grim Reapers (obviously) and some emotional heaviness (mine and within the narrative of the show). 

Please do NOT read this if any of these things may potentially upset or trigger you.

Okay so my Grim Reaper F/Os are #007 and #444. My dynamic with them is very uncertain – I just know that I love them and that's good enough for me! They are very much comfort characters for me. The show came out in 2017 (or maybe 2018...I'm not too sure) and at that time in my life, I had just gotten out of a very bad situation and as a result of that trauma I was experiencing suicidal ideation, among other things. I wanted, more than anything, to just... cease to exist. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be alive, either. The role of Grim Reapers is different in every culture, and every K-Drama which features them portrays them in a different way. This K-Drama is my favourite portrayal of Grim Reapers; Death is a friend to humans and Grim Reapers accompany them throughout their life. They exist among humans and only at the point of death are you collected by the one who was assigned to you. The Grim Reaper who witnesses the days leading up to your death (and follows you around for that time, watching, waiting...) is also the one who takes you to your afterlife, whether that's up or down is determined by the purity of your soul. So Death is a friend and your Grim Reaper is beside you when you greet Death.

I found and I do still find a lot of comfort in the thought that I'm never truly alone, due to the fact that Death is always waiting for us (according to this K-Drama). The personification of Death through these Grim Reaper characters struck a very deep chord within me when I very first watched the show and they gave me a reason to live. There are eighteen episodes which are ninety minutes long each so it's a very long, very complicated and utterly immersive K-Drama and the acting is flawless. Every single character is real in the sense that you can feel them; their emotions are raw, their personalities are properly fleshed out and they have very real flaws and they make mistakes and there are true and genuine connections. There's evil people and there's good people who are just doing their best and there's harrowing subplots and heart-warming moments and it's truly the most stunning production I've ever seen in any kind of media.

I highly recommend it, seriously. It's well worth watching, though I would absolutely heed the warnings which feature on the beginning page of every single episode. This show is quite shocking but it's also very real in its depictions and characterisations and it's... honestly amazing. So that's the show. And the characters asdfghjkl.

I feel very protective over #444 especially. He is... there's little I can say because he's the main character of the show and it's all centred around him and his life and right up until the very last few episodes you don't realise just how integral he is to all the characters in the show. He is the circle in the middle of a mind map with all arrows and sub-categories coming off of his name. He is tragedy embodied and omg... every time he cries, I cry. It's just instinctive for me. I cannot get through a single scene during which he cries without me crying, too. I feel very deeply for him and I empathise so much. He truly has such a horrific plot and... oh, god, I'm tearing up just remembering about it all. He is sarcastic and intelligent and he will do what is right no matter the consequences. He loves deeply, though he takes... a very long time to accept his own humanity, and he's... just a joy to be around. But he's also very inherently sad because of who he is and what happened to him and what happens to him.

Here he is:

Picture credit

Isn't he beautiful? 😭😭😭😭His eyes remind me of a doe’s skskskk there are multiple characters in the show who say the same thing so I’m not alone in that.

And then #007 omggggg I love him. 🥺🥺🥺 He's the oldest Grim Reaper in the show and he is... tragic, too. When a Grim Reaper's body is found, their soul finally passes into the afterlife, but #007 is so old that by now his body is dust. He will never be found so he will never be at peace and he knows it and he has been with #444 his whole life. I can't say anything here either because of spoilers, but he really is just... he's my favourite. I love him so much skskskk he's so sarcastic and he's a stickler for the rules and for the societal hierachy, he loves the same kind of K-Dramas that I do and he's just... he's very wise and he's very old and very tired and he just... oozes this sense of all-knowing. He has quite literally seen it all and nothing surprises him. He has humanity and he has empathy and he cares for every good soul he collects and he feels nothing for the bad souls. He is... willing to do anything for the people (Grim Reapers) he cares about and he follows that through to the bitter end even if he doesn't personally agree with what he's being asked to do.

Here he is:

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🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 My UWUS 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

I find lots of comfort in this show and in these two characters especially and they kept me alive in what is arguably the darkest time of my life thus far. They inspire me and comfort me and, quite honestly, they taught me so much and I've re-watched the K-Drama about six times by now and it never fails to invoke the same emotions within me like it's the first time all over again. I often like to think that they're with me throughout my daily life; within the canon of the show they can get attached to certain humans (though it is forbidden) and I like to think that they've seen me grow and heal and succeed and fail and mourn and love and everything in between ever since I first saw the show, and I like to think that they know that I love my Grim Reapers.🥺😭💖💖💖 I hold them close to me and I feel for them deeply and the show will, ironically, stay with me forever.

When I’m feeling so terribly that nothing else and no one else can comfort me, I will crawl into bed no matter what the time of the day is or how busy I am (my university work can wait even if it’s urgent; but my well-being cannot so I always come first. Nothing is worth the cost of my mental health), and I will watch even just twenty minutes of a single episode. That’s all I need - twenty minutes. And then... I feel my Grim Reapers around me and I know that I can carry on. Some days I lean on them heavily and then there are periods of months where I don’t even think of them, but some event or some feeling will have me returning to them at some point and it will be like I never left. There’s nothing they can’t understand and there’s nothing they haven’t seen and I find so much comfort in that.

Thank you so much for asking, my love, your interest means the world to me!💙 Please feel free to ask me anything at any time and I'll do my best to answer! I hope that you're safe and well and I'm thinking of you!💜

[themattress]

OUAT AND ME: IN WONDERLAND

Story - Because this spin-off series only lasted for one season's worth of 13 episodes, its story is simply the Wonderland Saga and nothing else beyond that, which is for the best given that the story reaches far too complete an ending for anything beyond it to make any sense. The story is about Alice and what transpired after she returned from her original journey through Wonderland as a little girl, leading up to her romance with a young genie named Cyrus as a teenager, their tragic separation, her commitment to a mental institution, and her return to Wonderland in order to reunite with her lost love alongside her friend the Knave of Hearts, all while facing threats from the Red Queen and Jafar who seek to use Cyrus’ genie powers to break the laws of magic in order to accomplish their own secret goals.

The Wonderland Saga is as tight as tight can be, with one chief setting (Wonderland), a relatively small cast of characters, and a 4-episode beginning, 4-episode middle, and 5-episode end. Of course, this wouldn't matter if it wasn't an engaging story with enjoyable characters, but thankfully it very much is. This series is the brainchild of not just Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, but also of Jane Espenson and Zack Estrin, and because of this fact combined with its limited length, it actually surpasses the original Once Upon a Time when you stack the two completed shows up against each other. Sometimes, less is more.

As I said, the story is divided into a clear-cut beginning, middle, and end. The beginning focuses on the early part of Alice and the Knave's journey and establishing who they are and what their deal is, while Jafar and the Red Queen's goals and motivations are kept enigmatic and Cyrus is trapped in a cage for the whole duration of the time. The middle lets Cyrus escape, sheds light on Jafar and the Red Queen's goals and motivations, and explores the darker sides of Alice and the Knave as we see just how badly their past traumas have affected them. And the end is all about the alliance of Alice, Cyrus, the Knave and the Red Queen as they fight Jafar and his new ally the Jabberwocky to decide the fate of Wonderland. It's here that all lingering questions are answered and all character arcs are fully completed.

As far as stories go, this is top tier OUAT. I think I like the Dark Curse and Neverland Sagas slightly more, but the Wonderland Saga comes in at an incredibly close third place.

Characters - There are less of them than in the main show, so this will be easy.

* We start with Alice, played by Sophie Lowe as a teenager and by pre-Stranger Things Millie Bobby Brown as a child. She is a wonderfully multi-faceted heroine, capable of great love and great hate, great kindness and great cruelty, great ingenuity and great gullibility, and always treading the line between holding to hope and giving into despair. While her romance with Cyrus is the focal point of the story, I love that it's not the only important aspect to her character. We also delve into her fractured relationship with her father; her initially unsteady but eventually rock solid friendship with Will; her hate, fear and distrust of Anastasia up until she finally sees the girl behind the queenly mask and how very much alike they truly are; and even her internal mental and emotional conflicts with herself on various matters that sometimes go external due to how Wonderland works. And no offense to Emma Swan, who is great in her prime, but I feel like Alice is ultimately the stronger and more likable lead.

* Cyrus really impresses me, because being the romantic male object of the heroine's attention and a guy who spends the entire first third of the story stuck in a cage, he could have very easily been a boring character. But very quickly, he shows that good looks and magic powers aren't all there is to him - this guy is smart. His cleverness and ingenuity that allows him to affect the plot even when inside his cage is something to behold, and he only gets better once he's free from his prison and gets to play off other characters with more frequency. Add to this a backstory where we see he used to be a selfish con artist, and it being his love for Alice that changed the selfish part while repurposing the con artist part for the cause of good, and you have a character you can enjoy and a couple you can root for.

* The show's breakout character, for better or for worse (no, it's definitely for worse, as we'll see in the next post) is the Knave of Hearts / Will Scarlet. Played excellently by Michael Socha, Will was formerly one of Robin Hood's Merry Men but is now an outlaw all to himself in Wonderland. He's sardonic and quippy, selfish and yet reliable at the same time, eerily muted in his emotions due to having his heart removed from his chest and yet clearly possessing deep feelings within his soul that occasionally bubble to the surface. We watch him go from an untrustworthy, cowardly cad who refuses to accept responsibility for anything to a brave and loyal friend who will sacrifice his own well-being for those he cares about. And his love story with Anastasia honestly steals the show from Alice and Cyrus', as it's full of betrayal and heartbreak and fights and truces and reconciliations before its happy ending, and that honestly feels more human than Alice and Cyrus' entirely plot-based separation.

* Speaking of the Red Queen / Anastasia, she is the female villain with a redemption arc that Regina (and Zelena, to a lesser extent) wishes she was. When she first appears, the Red Queen seems to be a chillingly calm and poised sociopath without moral scruples, but she quickly starts displaying vulnerability, and kudos must be given to Emma Rigby for conveying this through her amazing performance. Her cool, haughty face is like a mask, with more and more cracks beginning to show until we see who she really is - Anastasia, a peasant girl who was misled into a life that was full of power and privilege but that was also lonely and way over her capability to endure in the long run, and who desperately wants to take it all back and return to who she used to be. Once she realizes that she won't be getting the magic shortcut she seeks and that in the process of seeking it she'd wrought even more damage to Wonderland, Anastasia fully commits herself to doing better by everyone that she'd hurt. Even horrific torture, temporary death and mind control doesn't stop her from aiding in the cause to save Wonderland! She's amazing and more than earns her happy ending with Will.

* I could gush about Jafar, the Big Bad of the story, all day long. Jafar has always been my favorite Disney Villain, but he's the villain of an animated musical comedy, so I guess I've always had the question in the back of my mind as to what he'd be like if applied to something with a more serious tone? Well, this version of the character, played to chilling perfection by Naveen Andrews, answers that question. Stripped of most of his caricatured and humorous elements, Jafar is a psychotic, power-hungry madman who will stop at nothing to get what he desires. There is no-one he won't manipulate or torture or murder in his quest to become all-powerful. And the show also gives him a feasible, compelling and incredibly dark backstory (he's the bastard child of an Agrabahn sultan who rejected him to the point of trying to murder him) that explains why he is the way he is but is never used to excuse him or entertain the slightest notion that he might be redeemable.  This version of Jafar perfectly embodies what Roy Disney and Jeffrey Katzenberg said about the original: “Jafar is just pure evil. He wants to take over the kingdom and kill everybody in sight or enslave them, or whatever suits his fancy." "This is the guy that wants it all. You know right from the start that he is a desperate character, capable of doing anything and everything to get what he wants".

* The White Rabbit / Percy is a purely CGI character, and you'd fear that this wouldn't work, but the show embraces how cartoony he is and so it actually works perfectly. He's a very appealing character as well: very neurotic and cowardly, but also a family man whose heart is in the right place and who can be very brave when push comes to shove. A lot of his likability also comes from the fact that John Lithgow (yes, I'm surprised they were able to get him too!) does his voice, and I can't think of anyone else who could voice such a character better.

* In terms of side characters, we have many Wonderland staples reimagined for this show, such as the Cheshire Cat who is now a feral beast voiced by Keith David, the Caterpillar who is now a Jabba the Hutt-esque crime boss voiced by Iggy Pop (who sounds nothing like the voice from the main show, but I digress), Tweedledee and Tweedledum who are the Red Queen's manservants (one being undyingly loyal while the other is a spy for Jafar), the sleazy Red King who tempts Anastasia into becoming his bride, the Carpenter who is trapped in a drug-like haze in the Boro Grove, the White Knight who stands guard over an important pair of doorways, and the Jabberwocky, a monster in the form of a humanoid woman whose power is being able to see a person's greatest fear and use it to psychologically torture them.

There is also mention of Alice having met Jefferson the Mad Hatter when she was a child, and Cora the Queen of Hearts herself appears in the flashback that shows how she manipulated events so that Will became the Knave of Hearts and ensure that Anastasia remained the Red Queen, whom she taught magic and villainy to and treated like a daughter. Regina, Zelena, Anastasia...is there no young woman that Cora won’t attempt to ruin?

Other side characters from other realms include Alice's highly flawed yet ultimately repentant father Edwin, his bitch of a new wife Sarah and her precocious young daughter Millie, and the cold-hearted Dr. Lydgate all from Alice's Victorian world; Robin Hood, Maleficent (voice-over only) and Anastasia's mother Lady Tremaine all from the Enchanted Forest; Nyx the guardian of a sacred well, Cyrus' mother and Jafar's teacher Amara, Cyrus' brothers Taj and Rafi, and Jafar's father the Sultan and half-brother Mirza all from Agrabah. The Sultan, by the way, is a particularly interesting character, as he's introduced as Cyrus' kindly old cellmate and you really get to thinking of him as a good guy, only to then learn who he really is and just what an utterly horrible person he was in the past. His tale is a tragic one, as while he sincerely commits to repenting, it’s not good enough and thus he cannot escape fatal poetic justice.

And then there's one side character that just really gets my goat: Elizabeth aka the Lizard, a cute young thief who has a crush on Will. She appears in the 4th episode and doesn't really do much of anything, then disappears for a while. I thought maybe she was going to end up paired with that "Mr. Darcy" suitor of Alice's from her world and it was going to be a big Pride and Prejudice reference...but instead, she reappears in the 9th episode, becomes the now genified Will's master, and makes a wish that accidentally kills her in order to give Will man-pain. And then she isn't really spoken of again afterward. What was even the point of her!? You could cut all of her scenes and actions from this story and miss absolutely nothing!

Atmosphere - I would describe this show's atmosphere as light and dark, back to back. When it's light, it is much lighter than Once Upon a Time, being very whimsical and romantic and fluffy and hopeful to an even higher degree than its parent show at its best. However, this kind of lightness helps to make the dark elements come off as that much darker as a result. And while there's certainly some dark stuff where Alice in concerned, from an intended lobotomy in the premiere episode to the intense clashing she has with her father, and in the troubled pasts of Will and Anastasia, nothing comes close to the darkness of everything Jafar-related. It's a guarantee that he will do something horrible to someone at least once per episode, although it's usually more than once. The nature of his backstory as a bastard child whose father attempts to drown him plus the intensity of his depraved power-lust also make him a particularly dark character, as is his eventual partner, the terrifying Jabberwocky. Personally, I have always appreciated stories that can balance light and dark in this way and am able to handle both of them, so this show's atmosphere is very appealing to me.

Episode Quality - All I can say here is that there is only one dud in this series, and it's not hard to spot which episode it is. Like I said, while the beginning and middle portions of the show are 4 episodes each, the end is 5 episodes...and the first of those 5, "Nothing to Fear", is incredibly awkward and poorly executed. On top of being where the aforementioned death of the Lizard occurs, the plotline with Alice, Cyrus and Anastasia is also botched. Alice clinginess to Cyrus out of worry that he might become separated from her again and she wants to savor the time she has with him now doesn't really work in the context of needing to find where the freshly genified Will went ASAP, and it makes Alice look bad - Will went through "Bloody Hell" to help her reunite with Cyrus, and now that she's been reunited with him at the direct expense of Will, she doesn't give a fuck? She feels no urgent desire to pay her friend back and be as dedicated to helping him as he was to helping her? Also, the way she verbalizes her issues sounds too ripped off of Emma Swan from the similarly clumsy episode "The New Neverland", and what works for Emma doesn't really work for Alice.

Alice's distrust of Anastasia and dislike of working with her is also badly written, in literally every other episode the tense dynamic between these two has been handled with more care and nuance, but here Alice just comes off as a bratty child. Again, Will is missing and you need to find him quickly, so being able to put aside your differences with Anastasia maturely would go a long way in helping make that happen, Alice! Also, there's a sequence with angry peasants tying Anastasia, Alice and Cyrus to stakes to be eaten by nocturnal wolf-like creatures, and it's so thoroughly mishandled to the point of coming across as comical (Anastasia really can't fight back or escape her binding despite the skills we've seen her have before? Cyrus really thought an eloquent speech was going to instantly convince the peasants to do what he wants of them? The peasants act like they're righteous people who are getting justice against their oppressor and yet then tie two completely innocent people up for daring to go against the grain on the matter? And oh my God, those wolves look awful!)

The only good parts of the episode are the very last scene between Alice, Cyrus, Anastasia and (finally!) Will, plus all of the scenes with Jafar which lead up to the Jabberwocky's debut. Otherwise, this was a transitional episode that needed a lot of fine-tuning from its makers.

Overall - Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is now on Disney+, so if you have that streaming service and haven't watched it, please do so. It's a very well-made limited series that features a great story and great characters played by great actors, and is a definite part of OUAT in its prime. And again, when both completed shows are compared, this one wins hands-down.

[geekns]

last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?) 

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life. 

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore. 

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me. 

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford. 

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things? 

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

[scripturient-manipulator]

Oo i have 2 questions (idk if this is anamous I hope it is 😬) So 1 what made you want to become a therapist because I think I might want to be one, what is it like? 2. Mental health question! I think I might have schizophrennia (weird I know lol) ive looked really deep into it and this was made very educatedly lmao. Im still a minor though and and mental health services where i am suck and 2 no one takes me seriously as a minor (which is silly) do you have any advice on what to do?

It wasn’t anonymous, so I adjusted things until it was! Don’t worry, I didn’t look at your username so now I don’t know who sent this either :)

1. I adore learning about mental illness. My own surfaced before I really knew what mental illness was and learning about it just spurred me on. The brain is so weird, it can do so much stuff, it’s ingenious in how it tries to protect itself and deal with the trauma it’s been given.

Being a therapist is tons of fun! It genuinely is, I adore my clients and being able to be that person who helps them when sometimes they’ve never had someone who didn’t take advantage of them, or who actually believed them about an awful thing(s). I like being that person. So many people just need to be heard, to be given hope or to be shown that someone has hope for them. I like being able to delve into the most horrible, shameful moments and fears of someone’s life, the habits they can barely bring themselves to admit to me and be that person who says “that’s okay. I still like you. You’re going to be alright because together we’re gonna make sure you are.”. It can be tough though. Therapists have to take care of themselves, especially if they have clients who have been through trauma. And there are things you’ll hear that you can’t tell anyone about despite it being utterly horrific and you can’t believe it’s neither ethical or legal for you to speak of?? That’s the hardest part for me. But that’s where having coworkers helps, or being able to talk to someone else who works with your client. You learn some truly incredible ways that people have protected themselves, when a good time to challenge someone is and when it’s absolutely not. The first time someone cried in a session with me I got scared because my technique worked “too well” despite the rush of being able to reach them. You get to know people deeper than sometimes anyone else in their life does, but that also means that you carry secrets to your grave sometimes. You have to know how to turn your professional brain off and look after yourself, and you’ll learn that in your Masters program. And there’s so many ways to help people, I’m actually working on a new way myself using tabletop games like D&D! It’s an incredible job, it truly, truly is.

2. As for your possible schizophrenia, you are a minor. It’s very rare for a minor to be diagnosed with schizophrenia simply because there’s so much other stuff your symptoms could be, and it doesn’t usually occur before your mid-20s. It absolutely can, but it’s less likely; it’s called early-onset schizophrenia for teenagers for a reason, because it’s earlier than usual. Or, you could be in my boat where you have the symptoms like schizophrenia but not enough/at the intensity/at the duration to be diagnosed with it! That’s a fun one.

I don’t think it’s silly that you think you might have it, at my job right now I actually work with lots of people who have schizophrenia! It’s something that other mental illnesses get confused with, it can be the label slapped on someone who doesn’t have schizophrenia, it might be schizoaffective, schizotypal, or one of the subsets that didn’t make it into the DSM-V. It’s a very complicated diagnosis, and it’s also a very weighty one; to diagnose someone with schizophrenia impacts their life in a lot of ways from how jobs look at you to what housing will take you to college acceptances, how DSS looks at you if you come to them, how the court system treats you if you get tangled up in that- my guess is that one of the things holding your professionals back is the fear of putting something so heavy on someone so young because that shit sticks with you, trust me. Plus you need a medicine regime to handle schizophrenia fully and that’s a lot of drugs to put into an adult, much less a teenager so that’s likely a fear of theirs too.

I feel you on bad mental health resources though and not being taken seriously, that was the story of my life when I first got into therapy (who doesn’t send someone to the hospital after an aborted suicide attempt??). So write down all the reasons you think you have schizophrenia, and if you take reasons from anywhere, write down what research you did and where you found it. Does your family have a history of psychotic disorders? If they do, absolutely put that down as well. Presenting it in a composed method like that should at least get the conversation started in a serious way. Should you need to put in that much effort for a professional to listen to your concerns? No, if I was your counselor we’d be delving into possibilities as soon as you brought up that you were worried. But since it’s the situation you’re in, that’s what we have to play with.

Message me again if you need to! I’ll absolutely talk more about being a therapist and being mentally ill at the same time and I’d love to hear if you’re able to get someone to listen to you :)

[medea10]

Medea’s Top 10 Saddest Moments in Anime

[mountain-changes]

gender fluidity // my experience

honestly, i'm not sure who is going to read this, who will care, etc. but talking about my experience with gender has been beneficial to my journey of self-discovery. i know that as a 16-year-old, it would have actually been really nice to have someone speak about their experience as a non-binary individual, so there's also that.

the realization that i'm trans and the events that lead up to it are spread out throughout almost my entire life. once i went through puberty, i spent a lot of my time trying to fit in with the boys, stealing my brothers clothes, and up until i was 16, i didn't really see a deeper meaning in that.

my wardrobe was either full of blouses, leggings, booty shorts, spaghetti strap tank tops

OR

basketball shorts, baggy t shirts, hoodies, jeans, cargo pants.

i always told my mom i felt like i went through "phases", because i would only be comfortable in boys clothes for months at a time, and then it would switch. obviously, clothes don't directly relate to being trans. however, once i went through puberty? it was way more than clothes. i started to notice how much it bothered me that i had such a large chest. when my friends would talk about losing their virginity, i felt left out cause i didn't relate to their experiences at all. anytime my guy friends talked about it, i genuinely felt so empty. when i was 16, i started coming to the realization that hey, maybe i AM trans. however, i was in a really toxic relationship at that time, and some of my family members weren't accepting of my identity as a lesbian, so i definitely wasn't about to risk my mental health by coming out as trans. i didn't really want to believe it anyway, so shoving it down at that time wasn't necessarily a huge challenge.

in 2019, my mental health started tanking. by the end of the year, i was going through a horrific breakup, dealing with trauma that had occurred the year prior- i figured since i was at my new rock bottom, i might as well address the identity crisis i had been shoving away for so long. i started going by a different name, then different pronouns. i went to therapy for anxiety and depression, as well as a gender-specialized therapist. it came to be pretty obvious that i had gender dysphoria..but something still didn't feel right.

i tried to shove myself into the binary for quite some time. both as a trans man and as a cis woman. neither of them worked for me. the most comfortable i have been for the longest period of time is when i have identified in the most gender-neutral fashion. however, even that started to get uncomfortable for me.

to say this process has been frustrating is a fucking UNDERSTATEMENT. i spent so much time apologizing to people for switching pronouns, names. i've been surrounded by bigots both within and outside of the trans community, who have told me and made me feel like gender-fluidity is just a fad. a joke, a way to get attention from people. i truly did not believe in the validity of my own identity until recently. and that sucks to admit, but that is the honest truth. i, like many others, was never fully educated on gender. on the fact that it's truly a social construct, and that gender norms vary across all cultures. and that it's OKAY if i don't fit into what *this* society says a woman is supposed to be, or a man, or a non-binary individual.

i have a binder for the days that i want to look as masculine as possible. people still clock me as a girl, but i do what i can. i have a wig for the days that i want to embrace my femininity to the fullest extent (not that having short hair automatically equates to masculinity, but for me personally i enjoy longer hair when i'm presenting more femme). as far as my sexuality goes, regardless of if i'm feeling more masculine or not, i pretty much always say i'm gay. i only like women. although i don't really care in those moments if i'm seen as a straight guy as well.

a lot of trans people have told me that this is all bullshit, that gender can't possibly be fluid, that there's no science supporting it. if anybody in THAT category happens to be reading this, let me explain some things to you. if i could be comfortable in my own skin at a consistent rate, don't you think i would? you really think i enjoy having dysphoric breakdowns in the mirror, in the shower, in bed with my partner? cause i don't, and i know a lot of you have had the same shit happen to you. the idea that you have to hate yourself in order to be valid in your trans identity is the biggest load of garbage i've ever seen. i struggle with my gender identity on a daily basis. i've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria by more than one person. is my dysphoria consistent? no. when it's present though, holy shit is it debilitating. go ahead and ask my fiancee about all the breakdowns i've had. about all the times i've quite literally sobbed in her arms because i desperately want to take testosterone, but due to the fact that my identity is extremely fluid, it wouldn't be safe. the amount of times i've broken down cause i'm so sick of seeing my chest look the way it does. there are moments where i would do every god damn thing in existence to have those two scars, to have a flat chest so i can feel the wind, snow, sun, rain against it. so don't tell me that my identity is a joke. that i'm just trying to get attention. the last thing i give a fuck about at this point is what some nobody thinks about me. you don't have to understand my identity, but you can't act like i don't exist. my dysphoria might not fit the stereotype, might not look the same as you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. and if you have gender dysphoria, i sure as shit would hope you'd have a little more empathy in you towards people who have the same struggle.

i have days where i'm confident in the gender i was assigned at birth. i try to hold onto those days, savor them, because those days are a lot easier than the ones where i can't look in the mirror without going into a depressive episode. i've come to accept that my identity will never be a pretty, black and white picture.

i'm a sister, and a brother.

i'm a daughter, and a son.

i'm a girlfriend, and a boyfriend.

i truly hope that as time goes on that i'll find ways to make myself more comfortable, to alleviate my gender dysphoria. for now, i'm going to sit in the unconditional support i am lucky enough to have from my loved ones, and continue to try and give myself the same patience that they have all blessed me with.

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My 2020 in review

Political Reflection:

Earlier today I was looking at my 2019 in review post and noticed that I started it with a profound statement about what we show on social media isn’t necessarily representative of the larger picture within our lives. While I won’t start this post the same way, it did make me contemplate differences in life in other ways. Ultimately, I think that’s the main reminder I received in 2020; that everyone’s life is different.

As it has with many aspects of society, the coronavirus really shone a light on that this year. Truth be told, the only difference the coronavirus made to my life this year after about May was that I completed my final year at university online. And that’s not because I went nowhere before or because I’m selfish and did high risk activities that would put others in danger... it’s because I live in a city that was coronavirus free for most of those months, and of the cases we did have, there was only one family that had it which wasn’t citizens coming back from overseas. Financially, while my brother lost money from being on jobkeeper over his regular wage until the end of August, any family income was replaced with the heightened student youth allowance payments I received from the government. The only events I missed that meant something to me was meeting up with friends on the anniversary of another friend’s death and moving to Melbourne like hoped in this coming week. My city never reached a point where masks were deemed necessary or we were locked inside (closest we got was restricted to exercise and shopping for like 2 weeks) and with dancing coming back recently, we are just about back to “normal”. 

In reality, most of what I’ve had to deal with in terms of coronavirus is survivor’s guilt. And no, the irony is not lost on me that I said that about the fires this time last year too. I guess at the end of the day, the last 18 months have shown me that while there is always work to be done and I will advocate until my dying days to get it done, I have been so incredibly privileged to be raised in this city and am forever grateful that I have been here for these disasters over anywhere else. It’s also made me incredibly glad that I live in a country where state politics mean something because god knows things would have been far worse if my chief minister didn’t fight the federal government’s plan. With an overpowering win in the state election consisting of 6 Greens, 10 Labor and 9 Conservatives (in contrast to the previous 2 Greens, 12 Labor and 11 Conservatives), I hope that trend continues, even long after I’ve left the city. Likewise I am so grateful to live in a country where smaller parties like the Greens can have a big say because while Adam Bandt did not achieve everything he wanted to in terms of a reaction to the coronavirus, him and the Greens as a whole had such a positive influence on matters of finances and treatment in this time and continue to fight for that to be permanent.

But like I mentioned, there’s still a long way to go, even in my city which is seen as the most left leaning in the country. While the white collar nature of my city lead to a position where “only” 2080 jobs were lost from last I checked (which granted, was a few months back), 2000 of those were positions that women filled. Likewise, despite being seen as the most left leaning city in my country, we were the only jurisdiction that didn’t have a single politician turn up for our multiple Black Lives Matter protests despite nearly every member of the Greens showing up for the environmental protest in January. Nationally, we are still among the worst in the world for both environmental action and treatment of refugees alongside other issues of discrimination. There is a part of me that feels like the coronavirus and Black Lives Matter movement have highlighted these issues and made most citizens more sympathetic to the vulnerable members of society, but I cannot help but feel I felt the same before the election last year... and look how that turned out. As a result, I’ve really pushed myself to advocate as much as possible and in as many covid safe ways as possible this year, especially on topics I previously felt intimidated by. And honestly, while it stirred up many emotions and ties to my own traumas, I’m really glad I did. My only disappointment was still feeling like my oral advocacy skills aren’t up to par because of the lack of opportunities covid enforced.

Personal Reflection:

I have learned so much about myself in 2020. And while it’d seem insensitive to thank the situation that came out of the coronavirus given how much it harmed others, I do feel like a lot of that came from being forced to stop and do nothing for a while.

I think my biggest revelation of the year was realising and accepting just how much what happened with my family fucked me up. And that probably sounds weird because if you knew what happened, you’d be like ‘of course it fucked you up, it’d be weird not to have’, but like I have repressed this shit for so long that my emotionless response felt like having moved on. Realising that hit me like a truck and it felt horrific crying for nine days straight and feeling like I’d never stop in August, but ultimately it was for the best and this is the first year I’ve been able to enjoy Christmas without missing them to the point of it being painful and making me resent the holiday. It’s also made me consider related issues like my fear of marriage and relying on someone. Additionally, after house sitting for my friend’s mother, I have realised that I’m not fully ready to live alone and perhaps having a human partner would not be the worst thing in the world.

I’ve also made a lot of progress on self care. At the end of 2019, I had two major self care goals for 2020; get back into reading for fun and limit my media intake. While I didn’t read as much as I had hoped, I did achieve the both of these. I also brought a lot of books which I will continue reading and hopefully get through by the end of 2021. I also recently got back into embroidery and creative writing, and while it is early days, it has brought me a lot of peace.

On the professional front, I didn’t get a job like hoped, but like given the job market, I’m far from beating myself up about that. Likewise, despite easily completing most of my psychology degree online, I realised learning law online was not for me and I’m super glad it was only a semester and a half worth of university I had to do online. And again, giving the sociological state of the world, I’m not going to be hard on myself over that.

Where Does This All Leave Me Going Into 2021?

The short answer is I don’t know. At this point last year, I was hoping that I would be moving to Melbourne in a week from now. Obviously that’s not happening anymore. I was also hoping to have a steady job by now and raise my confidence by engaging in more public speaking, neither of which happened. But despite these shortcomings, it feels like 2020 has left me where I need to be right now and reminded me to take a step back and consider what I want next rather than just charge in to run away from my circumstances. While I still cannot see myself living in my current city permanently, I feel calmer staying here short term and considering other options which include loved ones as opposed to chucking out the baby with the bath water like my original plan last year basically did. I don’t know what’s up ahead, but ultimately, I just hope it brings me peace.

[midnight-in-town]

hi acchan, i hope you dont mind me asking something about seiakiramon. i dont get why some people blaming akira for not searching for seidou. i mean, its not like she knows about his true feelings (we as readers know, but akira doesnt), all she knows is that the last time they met, he tried to kill her, yet she shielded him and confessed to him. when she woke up, her whole world had changed, but the reason why her world changed had gone. not even a goodbye. now, if i were akira, cont.

Hello Anon! And don’t worry, I don’t mind. :)

The thing is, I am kind of shocked because I don’t recall ever reading that Akira in particular was to be blamed when it comes to Seidou leaving on his own? I surely missed those posts then and tbh I’m glad I did, because that is just plain bullshit (as always, you’ll note that #it-gotta-be-the-girl’s-fault, how original). 

Myself, I wrote and reblogged quite a lot about the Seiakiramon dynamic (because it’s one of my favorite in TG) and basically, from my point of view and as described in these posts, Amon, Akira and Seidou are all to be blamed for the state of their current trio/dynamic.

Just take a look at ch117-121, it’s so plainly evident that I don’t even get the idea of why it has to be only Akira’s fault:

Amon and Seidou saw their own situations changing 4 years ago, because of the ghoulification experiments, when for Akira it happened in the span of a few minutes a month ago…

…when for once she listened to her own feelings and not just to her duty. 

Basically, if anyone needs one quote to fully understand what Akira’s character is all about, it’s this one:

It’s this quote that allows everyone to understand why exactly she saved Takizawa in the first place: Akira always used to cling to the past, so as to not feel completely empty because she couldn’t help losing people over and over again, which is precisely something that she cannot do anymore by the mini arc of ch117-121, all because she shielded Takizawa. 

(under read more because of length)

She used to cling to her dad -> he died, so she clung to the CCG and, even though the CCG cannot be her pillar of strength anymore, by confronting Touka and Hinami she can’t even cling to her hatred of ghouls anymore either, which is why she’s so lost at the time of ch121.

She used to cling to Amon and Takizawa and had feelings for them -> they disappeared so she clung to her new partner, Haise, except that he “died” to become Kaneki, an enemy of the CCG. However, she herself is now an enemy of the CCG because she shielded Takizawa, which goes back to the point above.

In short:

Akira is understandably lost because she was raised to be a ghoul killer and, not only did she shield one of them out of pure raw feelings because she never could let go of who he used to be for her in the past, but she now can’t hate ghouls anymore either and became an enemy of the corporation she and her parents used to work for. 

Now, about the Seiakiramon dynamic itself by the time of ch121:

Seidou is to blame for chickening and refusing to go see Akira once she woke up

Seidou is to blame for not even being able to talk to Amon after saving him and trying to give him his cross back through Kaneki

Akira is to blame for not asking after Seidou

Akira is to blame for refusing to talk to Amon and Kaneki until she confronted Touka and Hinami

Amon is to blame for not going to talk to Seidou

Amon is to blame for not really acknowledging his own situation of being a OEG

Now I say that, but obviously they all have their reasons for acting the way they did, which is why “blaming them” is too harsh a verb in my opinion.

In Akira’s case, it’s what I explained above: she clung to the past until she couldn’t anymore and now she has to process her new situation (triggered by her saving Takizawa). She doesn’t hate ghouls anymore, but she’s not yet ready to fight for them and thus she has to find her own place in this world.

In Amon’s case, even though he learnt to live as a OEG for the last 4 years, he is still not fully accepting his situation (cannibalizing instead of eating humans for example), which is why he’s still not completely ready to fight for the ghouls’ side (as he told Kaneki) and it’s all because of his childhood trauma. 

Amon is a victim of Donato Porpora, as much as the kids Donato and him killed, and through this horrific childhood, he came to hate ghouls because of Donato’s example, which is why Mado Kureo was and still is a good role model in his eyes.

Still, Kaneki is the person who taught Amon that not all ghouls were like Donato but, because of what Donato put him through and Amon not being ready to forgive himself (as symbolized by his cross), to this day Amon still refuses to fight for the ghouls’ side…

…preferring to keep on seeing himself as who he used to be as a ghoul investigator and thus refusing to face the CCG, unless it is to save people he cares about (ex-investigators most of the time). 

What’s important for Amon is to keep on doing what he thinks is right…

Because he’s still conflicted as to what he should do (as a OEG still not ready to choose the ghouls’ side) and what he should feel (hating Donato and looking up to Mado Kureo, but still harboring something besides hatred for Donato), compared to his past self who was human and thus had a more understandable place in this world.

Finally, when it comes to Seidou, he’s actually the only one out of these three who moved on at some point during the last 4 years and who doesn’t intend on clinging onto the past anymore, not even to his feelings for Amon and Akira.

In that, Seidou’s resolve is way more impressive than Amon’s or Akira’s, because he now sees himself as what he has been for the last 4 years:

And because he is moving on, his feelings for Akira and Amon evolved too and he stopped having resentment towards them to switch for redemption…

And redemption includes him thinking that they would be better off without him because he decided to live on as a ghoul, thus shouldering all of “his sins” so far, whereas Amon still saw him as a ghoul investigator during Rushima arc and Akira as her old comrade from before the Anteiku raid arc. 

So you see, as with Kaneki and Touka (another fav dynamic of mine), the problem here is with miscommunication: Akira, Amon and Seidou are still intertwining all together, forever linked by their feelings, but the fact that they’re conflicted about their respective situation is making it hard to solve their also conflicted feelings about one another:

Akira never could forgive herself for losing Takizawa at the same time as Amon when she could have stopped him and that’s why she saved him. At the same time saving him changed her whole life and it’s hard to admit it and face him as a result, which is why she’s just starting to realize that she should find a new way to live in order to be able to accept her feelings for both Amon and Takizawa.

Amon still can’t forgive himself for never being strong enough to stand up against Donato, thus he still has a bias against the ghoul kind and that’s why he can’t fully accept being a OEG, unlike Seidou.At the same time, it’s because Amon had the time to face his own emptiness after becoming a OEG that he can now say that he wants to live by doing what’s right and that’s also why he can support Akira, as he said in ch121.

Takizawa is the only one who moved on from the past, because he knows he doesn’t have the right to hope going back after what he did as a OEG, so as a result he decided to live on as a ghoul. At the same time, it’s because he’s moving on to find redemption and to turn his back to his past as an investigator that he wrongly believes that Amon and Akira would be better off without him. Hence why he left in ch118 without being able to talk to either of them.

At this point, it’s because the three of them are so opposed in their current way of living that it’s hard for them to confront each other: the past can’t be reached anymore for the three of them because the present is too drastically different, but the future still is seen in a negative light because it’s never going to be the past.

The only thing is that Amon and Akira decided to support each other because they’re not ready to completely stop hoping about going back to the past (at least where their feelings are concerned), while Seidou convinced himself that moving on was the only way he had to keep the right to care about making sure Amon and Akira could be happy (”when your own future has gone to shit, all you have left is to live for someone else”).

I also reblogged a lot of great posts about Seiakiramon dynamic, Anon! So if anything is unclear feel free to check the tag on my blog. :) I hope I at least managed to convey somewhat properly why it’s not anyone’s fault in particular but rather the whole dynamic that is complex, because their feelings for now can’t be taken independently from how they intend on living their lives:

Akira has no idea about what to do, what to feel and whom to fight for.

Amon wants to do “what’s right” and he can’t side with either the CCG or the ghouls. 

Seidou decided to live on as a ghoul, but you’ll notice that he’s not joining Kaneki’s rebellion because, despite seeing himself as such, he doesn’t really care about other ghouls and coexistence.

That’s why it’s important for Akira and Amon and Seidou to confront Takizawa: for now, by supporting each other, they stay on the idea that going back to the past (at least where their feelings are concerned) is possible, while this idea couldn’t be less away from Seidou’s mind at the moment, because he’s the only one who fully moved on and accepted his new situation to find redemption. 

Paradoxically, while Amon and Akira are 100% acknowledging their feelings for their little trio (see Akira putting Amon and Takizawa on the exact same level when it comes to her past feelings for them and Amon never despising Seidou), Seidou still has some kind of inferiority complex that makes him think that Akira and Amon are better off without him. That is why he says he wants to live for their sake, forsaking his own happiness through his idea of redemption when the other two never did that.

TL;DR it’s not over and it’s not Akira’s fault that Seidou left but his own because he decided that he had no place next to Amon and Akira (when he does, otherwise Akira and Amon wouldn’t have saved him in the first place).

Sorry it got suuuuper long, but I like Seiakiramon way too much and so I rambled. :/ I hope it’s understandable, have a nice day, Anon!

[sashaloriene]

To Be Present Is To Be Alive

About two months ago, I felt the urge to pack up and go. No reason in particular, I just needed a change of scenery. I wanted a break from my surroundings and I knew it had to happen sooner than later. It was time for a new experience. On June 12th, I randomly thought, "I want to paint on the beach - and not just on any beach, one in or near Los Angeles, CA." I booked my flight, rental car, and Airbnb for LA within the next two days and found myself rushing to the airport to catch my flight (late per usual) less than two weeks later. Thank God for Chase Ultimate Rewards points! 

As I sat in the plane the morning of June 26th, wondering 'how did I get here,' I shifted my thinking towards what I wanted to get out of this trip. Would I get sad or dare I say, lonely? Would I wish someone else was here? Would I be able to meet new people? Would I be able to hang out with my friends? Would I be able to enjoy my own company away from home if not? I realized I had no itinerary. So many thoughts ran through my mind. It got so overwhelming that I finally promised myself to live in the moment during this impromptu trip - not to dwell on past or the uncertainty of the future. This trip was so spontaneous, as I had no plans for the week aside from meeting up with three people at some point and potentially painting a mural. So regardless of what happened, I was going to roll with the punches and accept what was in store for me each day at a time. And what would you figure, it worked!

Everyday in LA was sporadic and memorable. I got to spend time with one of my cousins who's been in LA for school. On my first day, we hung out with her friends on the beach for some girl time! We had food, drinks, books, and of course I painted lol. We even saw 3 dolphins playing by the shore, which I heard was rare for that beach. It was awesome meeting her friends. It felt like Sex In The City LA style for the day! Bougie, merry, and black girl magic lol. They definitely reminded me of my girlfriends back at home. All of them were well in touch with their purpose and actively helping their community in one way or another. Her friend Amirah even has an awesome podcast called Living For The Weekend, where she and a fellow black millennial woman living in LA talk candidly about their life experiences as they work to make everyday feel like the weekend. Dope! Seeing fellow black women being their own superheroes (or super-heroines, I should say) and sharing their experiences will always be amazing to me. You have to keep your squad tight, motivated, and encouraged. 

My second beach excursion was also amazing. I picked a random beach I found that a blog post described as a "getaway" so I could paint with little to no distractions - just sun, waves, and paint supplies. I wanted to be present and take in the experience and the scenery. A friend decided to join last minute so we headed to Leo Carrillo State Beach in Malibu. As we climbed down the mountain towards the actual beach area, we decided to take pictures of the view and found ourselves in deep conversation about life - the stresses of school/the education system, the importance of mental health and wellness, the complexities of just being a 'responsible' adult, the realization of not fully knowing our next moves, and the ideal career/lifestyle we actually want. You know, the usual hour-long girl talk! Then this woman and her gorgeous dog (a young mostly black German Shepard) walked by. Being the dog lady that I am, I just had to pet her dog but the woman instantly gave me chills for some reason. Although she was nice and friendly, I couldn't figure out what it was about her until she shared her story. We soon found out that on the morning of my 23rd birthday, she was in a horrific accident and flat-lined, but ultimately survived. We all talked for about 15 minutes about how she found purpose in life through this accident - finding people and reassuring them that they are on the right path. She left us with the following words of encouragement: "Yes, to all of your hopes and dreams. Yes, you deserve love and adoration. And yes to whatever you were just discussing. Do it." Needless to say, my friend and I were stunned lol. Isn't it crazy how timely the universe brings people together?! Oddly enough, things like that often happen to me so I was glad to share that moment with a friend. Now I have proof that I'm not crazy haha! So thanks for stopping by and sharing your good vibes Cassandra M. Bauer. You're presence was noted and appreciated. We heard you! Fate had its hand in that moment.

On my last day in LA, I got the opportunity to help paint the first BLACK GIRLS WHO PAINT mural. This was truly one of the highlights of this trip! After I booked the trip, my friend Shak, an awesome LA graffiti artist, proposed doing a BGWP mural in the The Graf Lab (TGL) Space on Washington Boulevard and Normadie Avenue. I was a little apprehensive at first because I haven't painted a mural in years and this would be my first time seriously attempting to spray paint. Painting with a can uses a completely different technique than painting with a brush for sure. But of course, Shak wouldn't have me giving up before I even tried, so he encouraged and ensured me that it would be not only a great mural, but a great experience, as well. So we put some sketches together and the magic happened! I knew it would be dope, but I never saw it going so well. He introduced me to Trauma (a local graffiti artist), Pooh (a local BGWP), and Dominic Jones (a local photographer/cinematographer who captured the experience and work can be found here). Everyone had such great energy. I learned a lot about spray painting. I never pictured myself painting a mural without a paintbrush and there I was, trying new things and loving it! I even got the opportunity to join TGL as one of the first female artists and have been planning, sketching, and practicing ever since.  Check out the photos below!

By the end of the trip, I was pleasantly filled. With what? I'm not quite sure, but filled with whatever I came there for and a lot of it. I met up with a cousin, a friend from high school, and an art friend I met back home. I painted on the beach TWICE, met dope creatives, learned how to spray paint, sketched my next tattoo (super excited), and did some crucial self evaluation on areas I need to change and/or grow. I also affirmed a few things about myself. I realized that to be present is to be alive. I had so many smiles on my face every day! Being around other creatives tend to unlock something in you and open you to new perspectives. As much as I was surrounded by awesome vibes, I spent more than half the time by myself - sketching, writing, planning, and exploring. Those moments were also perfect. Not one moment did I feel alone even though I was by myself. Even though I enjoyed my own company, I was never truly alone because of the company I chose to keep, whether new or old, near or far. I never felt sad, down, or out-of-place. I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted things as they came. In a way, I made a new environment my home, at least for the time being, and it felt good - so good that I forgot to take photos most of the time haha! Time flies when you're having fun right?! Check out a few pics below!

So yeah, I can't lie, my trip to LA was nothing short of amazing! Living in the now is pretty sweet too. Cheers to being alive cultivating your own vibes!