#i needed a little bit of murphonty fluff in my life

[assholemurphy]

Murphonty 43 and 58 for @griseldahowl.

43. “Literally everything about this is illegal.”

58.  “It’ll be easy. You just have to seduce them.” “You’re kidding, right? I’m about as seductive as a cabbage.”

“Literally everything about this is illegal.”

“And you’re complaining? You? What, somebody turn over a new leaf in their sleep?” Murphy snorted, pulling on his gloves.

“No, of course not. It’s just that when you said ‘date night’ I expected, I don’t know, flowers and a nice dinner, not a half-assed plan to steal files from the FBI!” Monty hissed, looking annoyed.

Murphy grinned, “Well, there’ll be plenty of time to do that during the years we spend not in jail for armed robbery, now won’t there?”

“Hey, you’re the one who got caught,” Monty snapped.

“I didn’t get caught. Nobody knows it was me. But they do know it was somebody, and I need to know who they suspect that somebody is, just in case we need to skip town.”

“Skip town again, you mean. Jesus, Murphy, can’t we stay anywhere for longer than a month before you screw things up?”

Murphy sighed, looking a little hurt, but he covered it well, “We move around because there are only so many things worth stealing in one town. So don’t blame me for everything.”

Monty bit his lip, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t mind moving around. I just wish that we could- Fuck it, nevermind. What do you need me to do?”

“Just wish what?” Murphy asked, pulling out Monty’s laptop from his bag. “And I need you to do two things. First, I need you to cut the feed for the security cameras so I can get in the building without being seen. Then, I need you to distract the guy at the front desk so I can slip up to Agent Blake -who’s a real pain in my ass, by the way- his office and copy the file so we can see who they’re looking at for this. If it’s not us, then there’s no reason to run. And if it is, well, then we’ll just have to point them in the wrong direction.”

Monty nodded, “Okay. I can do that. The first part, anyway. The second, how the hell am I supposed to distract that guy? He’s like, trained to be the most attentive guard in the history of guards.”

“Please, he’s just some local hack. You’ll do fine. It’ll be easy. You just have to seduce him,” Murphy shrugged.

Monty wrinkled his nose, “You’re kidding, right? I’m about as seductive as a cabbage.”

“That’s not true and you know it,” Murphy told him. “I happen to think you’re the sexiest guy on the planet.”

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean much, considering we both know you have no taste,” Monty huffed, typing on his laptop.

“That’s just rude,” Murphy said, pouting.

“The truth hurts, Murphy.”

“It’s not true. I have the best taste in men.”

“Considering you once dated a cop who almost threw you in jail? I don’t believe that.”

“He was hot and the danger turned me on,” Murphy grinned. “But even so, he still didn’t turn me on half as much as you do.”

“Yes, me. In my superhero tshirts and mismatched socks. I’m quite the catch,” Monty mumbled, focusing on hacking the station’s security feed.

They’d robbed a jewelry store about a week ago and since it was the fifth armed robbery in the city in the past month, the feds had been called in. Of course, it was only their first, they’d piggy backed off of somebody else’s crime spree hoping that their crime would be lumped in with all the others and they’d get away with it. But Murphy had gotten paranoid when it turned out the fed they’d called in was none other than Agent Blake, the guy who’d almost busted them twice prior and had been trying to collect enough evidence to put them away for the past two years.

So, his brilliant idea had been to break into the local police station after hours, dressed as a cop, since the night shift was always understaffed, so he could get a copy of Agent Blake’s files. It was a decent plan, but Monty didn’t like it. They were breaking into a police station, the one place they were supposed to avoid at all costs, but Murphy swore it was necessary. So, it was going to happen, despite Monty’s protests.

“I dunno, there’s just something about that nerdy charm that gets me going. Maybe it’s because I know you’re more criminal than nerd. Or because I know you can take apart a handgun and put it back together in under a minute. Or maybe it’s that haircut. Makes you look badass. Or it could be because the way you sass me. Or because of all the other things your mouth can do...” Murphy trailed off with a shrug and a smirk. “But, if this goes right, then I promise, tomorrow night I’ll take you out for a proper date. Candles, wine, roses, all of it.”

“You say that, but I doubt it’ll happen. Your idea of romance is half a bottle of whiskey and cold pizza.”

“That’s not true. I can do romance.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“I’ll prove it to you,” Murphy promised. “I’ll steal you a diamond ring.”

“Diamonds are artificially inflated. They’re practically worthless. Steal me something worthwhile.”

“Like what?”

“Like a painting or something we can sell for a small fortune.”

“What would you do with that fortune?” Murphy asked, curious.

“Buy a house with a view in some country town where nobody knows who we are.”

“Settle down, you mean.”

Monty sighed, “Yeah, that’s what I mean. Not that you want that.”

“It’s not that I don’t want it,” Murphy said. “It’s that if it happens, you’ll get bored of me. I’m only interesting when things are exciting. What would I do, anyway? I don’t even have a high school diploma.”

“You could write that novel you always talk about. And I could work on coding for video games and we could just live, Murphy, like normal people. We could make dinner and watch tv reruns and maybe raise a kid one day,” Monty said, looking up from his computer. “And I won’t ever get bored of you. That’ll never happen.”

“You want a kid?”

“Or two. Do you not?”

“I guess I never really thought about settling down. I never saw that far in the future.” But, ever since Monty had brought it up the first time, Murphy had been trying to come up with a plan to steal something big, something worthwhile, so that they could try settling down. He did want it, but only if it was with Monty. He was just putting it off because he was afraid Monty would leave him when the danger and excitement was gone.

“Maybe you should.” Monty shook his head, “Whatever. We can talk about this later. I’ve disabled the security cameras. Let’s go.”

Murphy nodded and got out of the car, walking around to the side and waiting for Monty to get out. “Now, you distract the guard and I’ll get the file. Then we can get out of here. Tonight, we’ll start planning for that big heist.”

Monty was surprised, “You mean you want to settle down?”

Murphy shrugged, “I’d be alright with settling down, but only on one condition.”

Monty sighed, “And what is that?”

Murphy smiled and dug around in his pocket, pulling out a silver ring he’d grabbed from the store when they’d robbed it. It had a little emerald in the center with leaves twisting around the band. He’s called the store three weeks before they’d robbed it to order it specifically for Monty. He held it out and said, “Marry me?”

Monty’s mouth opened in a little ‘o’ of shock. “You’re serious?”

“Yeah, babe. I know you want to settle down and I’m on board, but I want to marry you first. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right. I want the whole thing. A house, kids, a minivan and soccer practice. And you, Monty, I want you.”

Monty nodded, “Yeah, okay. Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, Murphy, I’ll marry you,” Monty smiled and held out his hand so Murphy could slip the ring onto his finger.

Murphy put the ring on him and smiled wide, reaching out with his other hand to pull Monty close so he could kiss him. It was a little rough but it was loving and Monty melted into it.

Finally, Murphy pulled back and said, “No, go seduce the guard. Lay it on thick. Be as obvious as you can be. Even if he’s not gay, it’ll be a great distraction. And then, when we get home, we can celebrate this properly.”

“With whiskey and cold pizza?”

“With wine and candlelight. And after, I’m going to pull you onto the bed and make you scream,” Murphy promised with a smirk.

“I still doubt your ability to romance me.”

“Well, it seems I do a pretty good job of it, since you’re going to marry me.”

Monty just grinned and shook his head, pulling away from Murphy to walk towards the station’s doors. “Just don’t screw this up. I expect at least a good fifty years of marriage from you and I can’t have that if you’re in prison.”

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