#i need to start t like yesterday sorry for having a mental breakdown on tumblr dot com

[pyrotechnicarus]

Scale of 1-10, how emotionally devastating was I Saw The TV Glow?

I can't express how important it is for you to watch it right now immediately. Maybe with a friend to cry about it after.

11

[nako-doodles]

pick 5 people that make your fandom experience wholesome and write a small paragraph about each one of them 💖

this ask is so stanking cute? buckle in im going to be talking for a very long time 🤣🤣🤣 *taps mic* lessgetit

@cafejoon tate the sun to my moon the stars of my sky the vampire gf of my dreams, where do i even start? im so incredibly grateful that however many moons and however many suns ago we discovered we practically have the same bday, and further discovered our red string of fate via baby shark. its been just an honor and a joy knowing you and talking to you and just being your moon and basking your solar brilliance. heres to another couple millennia together darling. 🥰🥰🥰

@stargazingjin rebecca the jk to my jin the funniest dorkiest person i know the other half of my chaos braincell the most talented photographer E V E R i love you 🥺🥺🥺 youre always so down-to-earth and the bright spot in my days of thunderclouds and lightning (very literal lately) and the hot chocolate on my sleepless nights. cant wait to be the most embarrassing duo at the airport with you darling 🥰💖✨

@jincentvangogh vero the reason why i dont need to go to the gym to get abs i love you 🥺🥺🥺 thank you for indoctrinating me into all of the hip anime and for basically curating your tiktok foryoupage to be for the two of us. our daily min yoongi kim namjoon christian yu nanami kento induced mental breakdowns is honestly what keeps my skin clear. its an honor to be a thirsty hoe with you love 🤣✨😉

@mintagust reka your the flying buttresses to my gothic cathedral the min yoongi of bangtan. thank you for always being so supportive and loving and funny and for always sending me msgs 🥺🥺🥺 they make logging onto this hellsite so worth it i love you so so so much. its an incredible honor to see your artwork and gifs i hope you always send them my way 🥰💖✨

@thatredwine erl! thank you for always sending me the cutest funniest asks and tagging me in the bestest jin content on this hellsite. im not sure what i did to deserve such a fantastic person to bring so much joy and serotonin in my life, but i am grateful everyday for your presence. i hope whatever is stressing you out has been banished from the mortal plane 😌🥰💖

@yoongisbengaliwife t youre just such a bright spot in this fandom im sure im not the only one absolutely in love w you. you bring so much joy on your blog it always kinda feels like a beach vacay every time i got on tbh. ur eid selfies yesterday were so cute i literally turned into heart eyes emoji. thank you for being so supportive and iconic 🥺🥺🥺

@taemaknae nicole youre just so creative and talented with all your edits and mbs and icons and headers it always blows me away. i can always tell who is using your headers and icons bc of your style which is like. super sexy of you 😳😳😳 i love reading your tags and it truly blows me away that your my moot??? like in what universe?????? anyways thank you for sticking up for me and being so iconic 🥲😎🥰

@jinbestboy ugh em you improved my tumblr experience at least a hundredfold by establishing the jinie moot club tbh. thank you for being so funny and loving and jincredible in the tags i love love love reading through them. im sorry i havent been able to keep up w the posts but as soon as im not a zombie im coming back just you wait....just you wait........🤣🥰💖

@luvsjoon cat when i tell you i go on your blog at least once a day to cleanse my vibes and get some serotonin pumping......i read your blog like the morning paper. youre such a happy and bright and sweet presence on my dash.e thank you for being you im a life long fan of you tbh ✨💖🥰

@gimbapchefs nat how do you literally write the funniest captions and come up w the most hilarious gif comps like????? *shakes empty cap* spare funny bones pls. anyways youre such a cool person i look up to you a lot. thank you for blessing us plebes with your iconique self and i cant wait to see what other beauties you make 😳✨💖

@jung-koook sky ill be honest w you. im still shook your my moot and like?? talk to me??? the day you followed back i literally almost accidentally unfollowed you bc i was too busy freaking out. i am in love w you and your content and how quickly and gorgeously you pump out a+ content. youre one of the reasons why i love being on this hellsite thank you for being a pillar of this fandom 🥰💖✨

@koolabjamun aahana darling youre so incredible. you have such a big heart and are central to so many world-changing community bonding things here. im literally always so fucking in awe of you and proud to be your moot. keep being such an iconic human ill try my best to support you ✨💖✨

@seoksjin ellie i kid you not if those hp moving pics were a thing irl, i would print every single one of your gifs out and hang them on the walls. every time you gif jin i ascend to the 7th dimension i astral project to alpha centauri i literally melt into a non-newtonian solid. thank you for being such a jintegral part of being a jin stan🥺😳🥰

@blondesuga melissa if i could marry your giffing style i would. your coloring on your gifs are so fantastic im just permanently shedding heart shaped tears when i see your content. anyways ill be permanently moving to your seokjin boyfriend gifs this has been my written advance notice 😳😋🤣

@taejinnies anj im very much in love with your sexy fifth dimension unable to be perceived by mere mortals galaxy brain. your content is so unique and beautiful and funny and iconic i just. god. im literally one ill adviced chaosing away from getting down on one knee tbh ✨💍✨

@rosebowl sharika hello its me the girl who is very much in love w you. your 100 days of jin is partially why im just barely hanging onto my sanity and also constantly on this hellsite. i love seeing you in my notes and on my dash its such an honor being your moot thank you for being loving and iconic 🥺🥰✨

@jihopes jules youre just such a warming loving iconic talented cornerstone of this fandom thank you for tagging me in your tag games and being so funny and iconic and casually one of the most talented people i know mwah 💖😳😎

and lastly: thank you to everyone following this chaotic mess of blog and interacting w me even tho im shy and get flustered easily 🥺🥺🥺 seeing you on my dash and in my activity honestly makes all of tumblrs flaws and malfunctions worth it i love you ✨✨

[fanficcollection]

Tumblr - Girl (Part 15)

Tumblr – Girl (Part 15) Pairing: Misha Collins x reader Summary: Boy-Time in the evening, Mishas plan seems to fail. Word Count: ~2400 Warnings: just a few little mentions of panic attacks, angst, depression, mental illness and self doubt, mentions of manipulation, mentions of implied rape, mentions of self harm

Part 1 Masterlist  

Notes: I’d be glad for your feedback!

 Mishas PoV

I stayed with Jensen the whole evening, we ordered some food and some beer and just enjoyed the time. We laughed a lot and I realized that we hadn’t spent an evening like that for ages. After a short time Jared joined us and told us, that the rest of the cast was heading out to have some drinks in a bar. We nodded, but nobody was in the mood to join them. “We will see them tomorrow. I guess they won’t even miss us. We wouldn’t be here normally on a Friday“, Jensen said and the two of us agreed. After having dinner we talked a lot about the times, when this conventions started. When there were just a few people. We never thought this would get that big. We took a trip down the memory lane, brought up every little detail about the experiences we made together.

After a while Jared got up. “Oh guys… I’m so glad I met you! I love you. ” he smiled at us “But I’m heading to bed, it’s been a long day… Have a good night, see you tomorrow.” After he left the room Jensen looked at me for a moment and said nothing. “So.. Is the plan on track? Will we meet your mysterious girl tomorrow?” he asked with a smile on his face. “I- I don’t know.” I stumbled. “She wrote that she would choose little panels, because she is afraid from too many people.” I said honestly. “So.. She is here. But I don’t know if I can get her to visit my panel… Or our panel.. “ I looked at the floor. “Jensen, I don’t know what to do… It’s weird, I don’t even know this woman and still I feel like I have to meet her. I have to know who she is. And if this won’t work out, I don’t know how to get to her again. This is my last chance..” Jensen patted my shoulder. “It’s okay, Misha. We will make this happen. So what did she write in her last message?”

I took my phone out, opened the tumblr-app and then realized that there was a new message. “Wait.. There is a new one.” I told Jensen completely lost in the message. After I read through it I put down my phone “No.”  I whispered. “There is no chance, that our plan will work out. “ After a few seconds I realized. I stared at the wall. “Buddy? What’s wrong.” Jensen asked and I could hear that he was worried in his voice. I couldn’t say a word, so I just passed him my phone and he also read through the message. “So… The girl today during the R2M panel?” he pressed out slowly. I turned my head and looked at him “I guess we have met her already.. But there is no chance to get her to the panels.” I desperately thought about a solution for this problem “Even if she would be out of the hospital tomorrow, she wouldn’t come to one of our panels, there are too many people. And I can’t get her a VIP Ticket out of nowhere, like this would make her and many other people suspicious. And I can’t just go to her hospital room… there is no good way to meet her.” I stood up and went up and down, I couldn’t think about anything that would work out. “Why not?” Jensen replied out of the silence. “Why not what?” I told loudly, I couldn’t help myself but I got annoyed by Jensen’s question. “Sorry.” I uttered “I… I just can’t…” I looked at Jensen, I saw the concern in his eyes. “Why can’t we visit her at the hospital?” he suggested “I mean, you carried her out, we helped her, we called the ambulance, it would be just okay if we wanted to know how she does. I mean, we always looked out for the SPNFamily, would it really be so out of the world to visit her after a breakdown we caused?” In the meantime Jensen had stood up as well stood towards me “Look at me, buddy. We will fix this.” He affirmed and he pulled me into a tight hug. “Everything is going to be okay, Misha.” I just fell into this hug and let it last for a few seconds. “You are right. Thank you, Jensen.” Slowly I found my strength again and gave him a short squeeze. “We will figure it out. Tomorrow. Try to get some sleep.” Jensen said and I nodded. “yeah, that sounds good. Good night, Jensen. See you tomorrow.” I left his room and went back in my own. His idea wasn’t bad, I could visit Y/N in the hospital tomorrow and she wouldn’t suspect anything. Nobody would suspect anything. It was the perfect plan. With these thoughts I went to bed and I slept like a baby.

Your PoV

It was weird to be in hospital again, last time you were here you met Jacob. You smiled, when you thought about this first time. He was very charming and sympathetic. You remembered the first appointments, when he helped you to manage your self harm issues. You remembered when he helped you to get along with the world and during this process you really fell for him. You didn’t know what to do without him. You were really happy in this first time, sure, you still needed Jacob, you still loved him, he was there, when you needed him, but you didn’t felt like a good girlfriend. Sometimes you didn’t feel like you were enough for him, you couldn’t enjoy the love he gave you, you often thought about this, you couldn’t survive the loss of Jacob, you needed him.

Sunk in your thoughts you didn’t notice Beck entering the room. “Good morning, Y/N! How was your night?” she asked and you startled up “Oh… Beck! Good morning…” you said and smiled, this was crazy, you met this girl just one day before and she cared for you like a really good friend. “What’s the time?” you yawned and Beck giggled. “It’s early, a few minutes after eight. I thought, you would like some nice breakfast, so I got us something from the bakery… I don’t think hospital-food tastes that well…” You laughed. “Well, you are right.” You tried to stand up to sit at the desk together with Beck, but there were some cables which stopped you from doing so. “Okay, then let’s have breakfast in bed.” You suggested and you made some space, so Beck could sit in your bed with you.

Mishas PoV

It was Saturday. Like at every other convention our schedule didn’t start until tomorrow, so we had a lot of time to figure things out. Although I went to bed late, I couldn’t sleep much longer than 7 am. I wasn’t as nervous as I was yesterday, it was easier to keep calm and look forward to meeting Y/N today, there wasn’t that much that could go wrong anymore. After taking a long shower I called at the convention centre. “Hello, it’s Misha Collins… yes… yeah, I’m fine… no… no, I just wanted to ask you something… yes… ahm… it’s about an incident which happened yesterday… In the evening… yes… there was a woman, who collapsed at a panel… We called the ambulance… yes, exactly… I just wanted to ask in which hospital she was taken… Yes… okay… Thank you. Yeah, have a nice day. Bye.” That was easier than I thought. I smiled and looked at the address of the hospital. I put on a casual T-Shirt, my black jacket and a cap. I really loved our fans, but today I wanted to stay, well, unknown. I checked my tumblr app for some new information, but there wasn’t anything. Sure, she was waiting for a response from Dmitri. I smiled, maybe I would tell her today, maybe this whole hide-and-seek game was over soon. In this second you heard somebody leave his room next to you: “Ready?” Jensen asked and you really could hear the smile on his face. “Yeah. Ready.” I agreed and closed the room door behind me “Then, lets meet this mysterious lady. “ Jensen stated and I smiled.

Jensen got us a taxi; the ride to the hospital wasn’t that long. “Do you know what you want to say to her?” Jensen asked. I looked at him, he was wearing sunglasses and a black cap to stay anonymous and I smiled. “You look like some kind of famous guy trying to stay ‘undercover’” I said and we laughed. “I don’t know what to say, I just want to meet her. I want to see that she is good… I don’t know, if I’ll tell her who I am, to be honest...” Jensen nodded “How do you think she will react? I mean, if she doesn’t know about your double life, she just knows us as actors. Actors of her favourite TV-show. She will be more than surprised. “ I laughed… “Well, I guess we’ll find out in about 5 minutes, we are here.” I paid the taxi-driver and took a deep breath while I looked at the entrance of the hospital. When we entered I went to a guy who looked like he worked at the hospital. “Sorry, I’m looking for a young woman, who was brought here yesterday from the convention centre. She had a panic attack or something like that..” the guy eyed us “Are you family?” he asked and I shook my head “we helped her out yesterday and I just want to know she is well.” – “Well, so you don’t even know her? I think I can’t let you in.”

Suddenly Jensen came from behind me “We are family, just not the typical one, she’ll know us and we know her..” he said. I saw that the guy didn’t believe him. “So.. If you know her, can you tell me her full name?” the guy at the entrance asked and I opened my mouth to answer, but I…, well… I didn’t know. A moment there was silence, then the hospital-guy said “Family, huh.. I’m sorry guys, but I can’t let you in. There are rules.” I looked at him, I couldn’t say anything, this was just not possible. I saw Jensen talking to the hospital-guy, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. After a while the guy shook his head again, Jensen turned to me “This is a data protection thing, he said, that they had problems with the authorities. Maybe you can write her, that we are waiting out here? But then you would have to tell here that Dmitri and Misha are one person… I don’t know… What do you wanna do?” To be honest I thought about that as well. I could just tell her everything. She would be angry at me for lying, maybe she wouldn’t meet me ever again… Or I just… We could just leave the hospital, get back to the convention and I could keep writing her every now and then, playing Dmitri. “I need to think.. Give me five minutes.” I told Jensen and we sat down in the waiting area of the hospital. We just sat there. Jensen next to me. Nobody said a word. Nobody moved. Nothing happened. Everything seemed silent. “You said, we’ll get this.” I blamed Jensen. “Mish-“ he tried but in the next moment I stood up. “Let’s get back to the convention.. It makes no sense to wait here. Nobody knows we are here” I forced a smile “We’ll have another chance to meet her.. someday..”

Jensen still said nothing. He didn’t know what to say, after a few seconds he stood up as well. “Yeah.. Maybe that’s for the best. There will be another opportunity. Let’s go… “. We were heading to the door when we heard someone saying our names behind us “Is… is this real? Misha? Jensen?” somebody grasped. “Sorry. I didn’t want to bother you.. I just was… surprised.” There was a girl standing behind us, I looked at her shortly and forced a smile. “Hi.. nice to meet you..” I said but I couldn’t get myself to do some smalltalk. In that moment Jensen jumped in “Hey. So you know our names, but we don’t know yours. Can you help us out?” he asked and winked at her. She stared at us for a minute until she realized the question. “Ohh.. yeah. Sure.. I’m Beck.. “ she had to clear her throat “So.. what are you doing here? I mean… why aren’t you at the convention center?” she asked and Jensen looked at me for a brief moment “Oh.. there was an accident yesterday. During a panel. A girl passed out.. We wanted to be sure, that she is fine.” He said. At this moment I looked at the girl closer. I knew her, she looked familiar. “Beck? You… You were there yesterday?” I asked slowly. She nodded “You remember that?” she asked and her eyes widened. I smiled.. “Of course. You went with the ambulance, didn’t you? So you are visiting the girl as well?” she nodded… “She is called Y/N.” she said “And she is fine. Do you want to visit her?” Beck asked “I think she would be very happy, when you have a few minutes?” I didn’t look at Jensen, but I felt the smile on his face and I felt the smile, which grew bigger on mine. “That would be nice.” I said and Beck told us to follow her. We went a short way and a few moments later Beck knocked at a door “Y/N?” she asked and we heard a voice from the inside of the room “Beck.. I thought you wanted to go back to the convention? Did you forget something?” Beck laughed. “No.. I got you new company… and maybe I’ll stay here for a few more minutes.” She said and pointed us to come in. Jensen went first and close after him I also entered the room. “Hey Y/N” Jensen said smiling. I stared at her for a short moment and then I also started with a “Hello Y/N… how are you?”

Tag list (let me know if you want to be tagged):

@chantelle-c333​​ @awolfamongstus​​ @jannalionheart @thing-you-do-with-that-thing​​ @evyiione​​ @destielschild​​ @xx-melissa-x @kcam1621​​ @smoothdogsgirl​​ @kristendanwayne​​  @haappy-go-lucky @laffytaffyhumor​​ @thebookisbtr​​@michell868​​ @duubaduu​​ @darthcastiel​​ @theoneandonlysuccubus​​ @internationalmusicteacher​​ @gracejo2 @nanie5​​  @goobykeding​ @captainsherlockwinchester110283 @irene-frazer​​ @thealienplace​ @hey-an-original-url​ @youknowitsmj​ @anspgene​ @sarahbaker2010​ @mimzy1994​ @shore-line-jewels187​ @aberrant-annie​ @shiivaley @thefansomdad​

[dearmomimissyou]

So yesterday I tried to make a post explaining the back story of what caused Sunday's mental breakdown to happen and I tried to save it to drafts after spending 30 minutes on it while walking Miss Phyre outside but Tumblr decided to cock out and didn't actually save it which led to another mini meltdown afterwards so I'm just going to skip the background. It hurts to mich to relive it a g a i n. So thanks Tumblr.

Sunday I went to Sam's house after donating plasma cause dad was working on the electrical and I figured I'd just spend time there instead of being home. Instead, I ended up having a breakdown on Sam's back porch. I started crying inside while in the fetal position on the floor and figured that I should go outside so nobody heard me. I violently sobbed for at least ten minutes and dug my nails into my arm because I wanted to punish myself. I also went outside because I wanted to destroy Sam's living room and I can't do that but I can destroy myself and my things. I kept wanting to smash my head into something and eventually I did on the banister twice and screamed both times when I did it. After some time like five minutes of so Nemo came out and tried talking to me and I blew up on them and basically blamed them even though it wasn't their fault. They were crying and begging me to get help dad came out too crying because he heard me say that somebody was tearing me down and making feel like shit about myself but he didn't hear who and at the time it didn't make me feel anything but looking back fucking hurts. Sam came out too after Nemo went inside I think to talk to dad about what was happening and she brought Nala Tyler's cat and asked if I wanted cookies or soda to feel better. I just remember ignoring her and being so annoyed with her in the moment.

Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't physically talk and typed a message to Nemo:

I want to me normal I WA. T to be fixed and go just can't cause miss Phyre needs attention and the dress fitting and I don't want to worry mom and tge family but fucking here I dpimg just that all the God dam. Duckknf time vsvauar I can't fucking control my stupid fucking brain

They asked if I wanted to go to the lds hospital crisis center or if I wanted to wait til tomorrow:

I have to go today cause if I don't there be an excuse tomorrow like I feel better it always happens

So they drove me home so I could get some clothes and stuff to bring to be admitted into inpatient. The whole time I was getting stuff I cried and kissed miss Phyre and told her over and over how much I love her and that I'll be back I'm not abandoning her.

So we get up to the access center thing and because of covid Nemo has to leave but I get taken back pretty fast for the physical part and asking the standard health questions. They also take my stuff including my phone and the pieces of paper that I wrote down all my problems on and a brief breakdown of my childhood traumas. I sit in a pretty okay chair for what feels like an hour. I cry a bit but nothing too noticeable when I finally got back to see the crisis counselor she basically said I'm very knowledgeable about my mental illnesses and told me that she'd let their therapy coordinator know to give me a call on Tuesday and also gave me her business card so I could call too and said as long as I'm not a danger to myself I can go home. In that moment I wasn't in danger of hurting myself more and I did want to go home instead of being admitted so I could take care of Miss Phyre but this was the second time a crisis counselor told me I wasn't in enough danger to be admitted like? Excuse me? Sorry my fucking emotions turn on a fucking dime but I absolutely need professional fucking help please?

She led me back to my chair to wait for the psychiatrist or whatever and that time I didn't have to wait as long. I got a turkey sandwich box thingy that came with a fruit cup chips and a string cheese as well as mustard and mayo in packets to put on it and tomatoes and Lettuce on the side so you can add them if you want them. I only had time to eat the fruit cup and started spreading the mayo on my sandwich before the psychiatrist came to me and we talked and he said the same thing as the counselor thag I'm very insightful about my failings and then put me on welbutrin instead of Lexapro and said I'm good to go home. I went back to the chair finished making the sandwich and then ate it while filling out their crisis sheet thingy that's like when I'm in a bad place who can I go to type shit. I still had to wait to actually be discharged so J ate the string cheese too. I finally left and had to wait another thirtyish minutes for Nemo to come pick me up.

What the scratches looked like right after being discharged. We went back to Sam's house because dad was still doing the electrical and we stayed there for another hour or two before going home. Don't remember much after the discharge honestly.

Monday was labor day and we went shopping I got my pills and stuff from Smiths. Then we went back home to wait for mom and Karleigh to get up so we could go to Joanne's tk make a playyard thing for aidrian and the dollar store for other stuff I don't remember. Then we went to the grocery store to get pita bread for dinner and something else I forgot but we ended up shopping and spent like 200 dollars. We also went to Lowes to get more pvc pipe for the playyard because dad apparently didn't get enough the first time. We ate dinner with Dave which was tikki masala and it was pretty dang good. Also before we got my pills I walked Miss Phyre for a while outside and she loved it. I decided to give her a bath afterwards since she doesn't wash herself and she was oaky the entire time she didn't meow or hiss or anything. She tried to climb out of the tub but not like in an aggressive manner like she didn't want anything to do with the water. She was such a good girl.

When Dave left we started working in the playyard. We wrapped some pink tulle on the sides and tied it to the pvc with some thin yarn. It took us hours to do and it was just mom Karleigh and me because dad went to bed. It was grueling work because my body was already exhausted from shopping all day and I had to hold my arms above my head for extended periods of time. My heels were in excruciating pain but we finally finished half of the playyard at about 1230 only to find out the other tulle we bought was the wrong stuff. It was too small to have it folded over to keep the sides secure and wasn't long enough to reach both ends of the other tulle so we had to give up for the night which actually pissed me off more than finishing it would have probably. I ended up only going to sleep at 5 am and waking up at about 9 on Tuesday but it was a nice cool day so I took Miss Phyre out for another walk and while we walked I typed up the previous Tumblr post. When I was ready to go inside and take a break from reliving the shit that happened I saved it to drafts so I could finish it later and brought Miss Phyre inside. Then I realized that it didn't actually save it and I had another breakdown but not nearly as intense as Sunday. It didn't help that the therapy coordinator never actually called me. I got a call from a bit for Intermountain that asked a bunch of questions like do I understand my discharge orders am I feeling safe did I get medication and do I understand how to take the medication and I had to hit 1 for yes 2 for no and 3 for unsure and one of the questions was like am I still feeling like I'm in a crisis or something and I had to hit 1 three times because it just wouldn't register it and that pissed me off and made me mad that it was automated and they didn't even bother to have areal human call and talk to me. After every question I answered basically they said were sorry to hear that well have a nurse follow up with you later today. I ignored both calls from the nurse because I just didn't have the energy to deal with it after the Tumblr thing. Like I wasted so much energy just typing it out and what little I had left just instantly sapped after I realized it was gone. The second voicemail the nurse left mentioned that it would be the last time trying to get into contact with me but also that our insurance has mental health advocates so thats something I need to look into.

Eventually Cavell told my dad that I needed to be watched I guess and since dad was still at work and mom had just left to take aidrian back home mandi came downstairs and spent time with me. Cavell told my sad that I needed to eat so he texted mandi to make sure I ate something and we went upstairs and made pizza and waited for dad to come home. After that we had to wait for mom and Karleigh to get back so we could go back to Joanne's to get the right tulle and while we were there I bought some double pointed needles so I could make some wrist warmers to hide the scratches. I also wrapped them up which just made it seem way more serious than it was since they were too close for bandaids to work right I had to use gauze and ace wrap.

We thankfully didn't finish the playyard yesterday we're supposed to some time today but hopefully I'll be asleep before then.

I also left the access center a review since they only had two. One one star review that was basically my experience and one five star with no description from an account that only gives 5 star reviews and seems like a bot.

Nemo wanted me to call the center for evidence based treatment last night because Google said they closed at 7 but when I called they closed at 5 so I called today instrad and nobody answered so I filled out their online form and I just got the response email from them so I'm going to hopefully get better soon I guess.

Love you always.

[fanficcollection]

Tumblr - Girl (Part 7)

Tumblr – Girl (series) Part 1  Part 8

Masterlist

Pairing: Misha Collins x reader Summary: back to the roots. Word Count: 2.056 Warnings: panic attack, angst, depression, mental illness, self doubt, swearing, maybe implied rape, some fluff

Notes: soooo, here it is, part 7. it took me a while, but here it is, ih hope you like it!

Thanks again to @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki for the awesome beta-reading, you are a precious piece of human being.

Enjoy Part 7!

Your POV:

The moment you opened your tumblr-inbox you knew you were the worst kind of friend somebody could have. There were loads of messages, every day a new one, after all this time Dmitri still didn’t give you up, the last message was just a day old. Sure they got shorter with the time, but he still checked up on you every day. You decided to read every message, every single one, you didn’t want him to invest time for nothing, you wanted that every single line he wrote was at least read. You started with the first one, it came in 3 and a half weeks ago. You smiled, it sounded just like always, you missed Dmitri, just by reading the first few lines you felt this trust you always shared with Dmitri.

“Hey Y/N,

I’m sure you have loads of things to do, so I won’t bother you. I just wanted to check up on you quickly. So how is university going and how are you? Here there isn’t a lot going on, just usual stuff. :)

Looking forward to hearing from you

Dmitri”

Two days later there was another text, it sounded more worried.

“Hey lovely,

You haven’t answered since a few days, are you okay? Is there some issue with your phone or something like that? But you surely know that you can read messages from the computer, do you? Yeah, at least when you read this you will know, please write me, Y/N. What’s up in your life? Has something important happened? You see, so many questions, you will have days of work to answer all of them. ;)

Love,

Dmitri”

There were tears in your eyes when you read that, that was just a few days after you were released from the hospital after your breakdown. You could just have told him everything, he was there, it wasn’t like this stupid girls in you university said, there was somebody caring about you. Without looking at the other messages, you didn’t count them, but there were a lot of them you opened a blank message

“My dear Dmitri,

I am so sorry I did this to you, I was an egoistic, stupid girl. But I’m okay, I think. I’m here, I’m alive. Maybe that’s the most important for you to know. I’m still here and I’m still fighting against the demons chasing me, I would be a traitor to Sam, Dean and Cass if I just stopped, wouldn’t I. It would be like giving up, I couldn’t do this to them, ether to the brothers nor to the actors, they put all their life into this fight against mental illness, I just can’t give up, even if they don’t know me, my problems, my life, but I can’t do it. Long story short, I’m still alive and I’m here on tumblr again.

I’m so sorry I let you down and I totally understand if you want me to stop writing to you, now you know I’m okay. I’ve put you through a lot of shit, I feel so bad about it but I hope you can forgive me.

Just shoot me a short message, if you could do me this last favour before stop writing. I know it’s hard, but please, please, forgive me the shit I’ve put your through.

Love,

Y/N”

You stopped for a short moment, stared out of the window for a while. You didn’t expect him to forgive you, you put him through at least 3 weeks of total horror, but you had to try and fix things. When you focussed your eyes back at the text and before you could delete the whole message you hit the >send< -button. Then you got back in bed, cried and read the remaining texts he sent you during your absence.

Mishas POV

Jensen stayed the whole night, impossible for him to sleep well, but he stayed, he let me curl up next to him and I really enjoyed not being alone. Although I was awake at 6 o’clock, I silently got up to give Jensen some space to get himself just a little bit of sleep before the convention starts. I took some clothes and went in the bathroom to get a hot shower; I had to look acceptable today if I want the fans to not notice my condition. When I turned on the water and waited for it to get warm I looked at myself in the mirror, Jensen was right; the dark shadows under my eyes were not to miss. When we were filming, this wasn’t too bad, they just put more make-up on but at a con? I never wore make-up at a con.

After the shower and drying myself I looked through my bag with all the toiletries and luckily found some kind of concealer to put on, it wasn’t perfect but it was better than nothing. I looked at me once again and was more or less content with my appearance. Then I put on a t-shirt with our Love-Print and simple blue Jeans.  When I came out of the bathroom Jensen was still sleeping peacefully, I took my phone off the nightstand and checked my social accounts, answered some tweets and played some games to keep myself busy. When I checked the time I realized it was time to wake Jensen, so he had enough time to take a shower before attending the convention. I gently rubbed his shoulder. “Jensen, wake up.” He slowly started to stir and groaned “Not now.” I smiled. “You won’t get any breakfast if you won’t get up now.” I teased. He stirred once again and opened his eyes. “Okay, okay, I’m up” he said and rolled his eyes. “How are you?” he asked me once he sat up in my bed. “I’m good, I guess. Better than yesterday anyways. Thanks for having my back.” I smiled then I stood up and took a bottle of water from the desk. “You have 20 minutes left until breakfast.”

After breakfast there was some time left which I spent in the green room with Rich, Rob and the band, while Jensen and Jared did their J2 panel. Today was Sunday, so a lot of the other actors were still asleep because they didn’t have a panel and they had a long night yesterday. Rich was sleeping on a couch next to me and Rob was playing some soft songs to get into the day. I enjoyed the silent sound of Rob’s guitar and him humming some tunes.

Soon the band had to go on stage to play goodbye to J2 and I knew it would soon be time for my solo-panel and to be honest I was petrified, but on the other hand it had always went well until now. So when Rob started to sing “Angel”, the song they picked for my entrance I took a deep breath, put on a smile and stepped on the stage. Jensen gave me a wink, pulled me in a hug and whispered “You can do this, I’ll be there if you need me.” Then he waved the crowd, put his hand on his heart-side of his breast and left the stage.

The panel went by without complication, the fans were nice as always, they told me amazing stories how they loved the show or Castiel, they gave me so much love, and as one girl told me that we, Jared, Jensen and I literally saved her life I couldn’t hold it together longer, tears welled up in my eyes and I heard the “Ohh”s and “Awww”s from the crowd. I wiped the tears away and suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and heard the fans yelling. I quickly turned my head to see who was there, even if I knew it already. Jensen smiled at me while resting his hand on my shoulder. He took the mic and turned to the fan who told his story “I listened to your story backstage and I just couldn’t stay back there” he said. “You have to know you mean so much to us, we are so glad we have you having our back and we often hear your storys, I don’t know how I deserve you awesome bunch of people, but you have to know that we have your back as well.” He gave me some time to calm down a bit and I nodded to the things he said. “I couldn’t have said that better.” I said and turning to the fan, who spoke I said “I’m so glad you kept fighting…” a tear rolled down my cheek “and look at all those people, every single one here is part of our family, every single one, including Jensen and me and of course the whole cast backstage has your back.” I smiled when Jensen gave me a light squeeze and I saw the band coming on stage. “That was a perfect closing for this panel, and it’s true, everyone in here is freaking awesome, I’m proud to be part of this family.” Rich said and smiled towards Jensen and me. I waved the crowd, showed them the heart sign with my hands and left the stage together with Jensen.

“You did so well out there.” Jensen said and patted my shoulder “Thanks. And thanks for saving me” I said back and sat next to him on a couch in the green room as my mobile phone buzzed. I quickly looked at the display and… what… no… I freezed when I saw the notification coming from my tumblr-app. That couldn’t be true…  “What happened?” Jensen asked worried. I couldn’t speak. No.. That had to be a bad joke… “Y/N… I… I just g-got a message from her. Tumblr just gave me a notification.” I started shivering slightly. “You think it’s a good idea to read it?” he asked. “Now? You know you have to get on the stage again in a few minutes.” He was truly worried. “Yeah.. But I can’t just go out there and ignore it.” I answered unlocking the phone. “I have to. I need to know what happened.” I said while opening the text. “Okay.” He just said and watched me while I waited for tumblr to open the inbox.

I read through the text once, twice, three times. She was okay, I couldn’t believe it, she was alive, she didn’t say why she stopped writing, just that she was there again. I didn’t know what to do now, obviously she expected me to hate her for doing this, for not writing me. She kind of told me that I saved her, how could I hate her for that? I turned my eyes to Jensen and gave him the phone so he could read the message as well. He quickly read through it and a smile appeared on his face. “So she is okay, isn’t that a good thing?” he said giving me my phone back. “It is, but she thinks I hate her for doing this to me, but I don’t, Jensen.” He smiled. “I know, buddy, just tell her. Tell her that you are glad to hear from her again, that you are happy to know that she is okay, that you will be here for her although her absence, tell her that her friendship is more important to you than this absence. Tell her just like you told me. Do you remember? When I held his secrets from all of you, when I had this hard time? You never judged, you just said you will be there, always, and you are. Just tell her that, because I see that you care about her, just like you care about us.“ he said and I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder. “Thanks, Jensen. What would I do without you?”

I planned to reply after the last panel, when I had enough time to find the right words, I already knew vaguely what I wanted to say and one thing I also knew was that I couldn’t go through such a time again, I had to meet Y/N, I had to get to knew her, I didn’t know how, but I knew I had to.  

Part 8

Tag-List (I hope I got everyone!):

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