#i need to sleep a lot feels like... and rehydrate bc i cried so so so much
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that was exhausting and terrifying
#was checked out of reality since idk saturday night ? i think it was a psychotic episode i can't remember much of what happened and#i didn't sleep either during that time i remember crying endlessly feeling a lot of things being alone hurting myself#something like that hasn't happened in a very long time#yesterday was spent reaching out to as many resources as i could i have so many appointments booked now and i feel sheepish about it all#i have a lot of shame around being psychotic and asking for help is feeling uncomfortable and weird#im also gaslighting myself that maybe i faked it for attention but like... i couldn't fake that#and i was really worried about people finding out i remember#my brain feels like it took damage from all of that too i feel a mental slowness so intensely not quite brain fog just slower in my thinking#it was scary that was really scary i worry it might happen again i really don't want that i want to feel better#and i felt fine leading up to it too it came out of nowhere i have no idea how or why#i need to sleep a lot feels like... and rehydrate bc i cried so so so much#its weird im not comfortable talking about this i think i want to but ive developed so much shame over the years its hard#and i did hurt myself and its been years since i last did that so im really bothered by that#i feel like a kid again trying to hide the wounds from everyone and i don't have many long sleeve shirts 😞 it sucks so bad#my focus is now on finishing my semesters assignments getting sleep nourishing bc i also didn't even eat like oh my god i am starving and#eliciting positive emotions for myself and withdrawing from too much interaction for the time being i think im not in a good space for it#val speaks
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