#i need to pay for my meds and life has not been kind lately :^/

[softmutt444]

Hey would anyone maybe be interested in a 30 euro headshot commission?

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[skellish]

Please help a disabled (seeking disability) trans woman keep her apartment!

Hi everyone, my name is Delia, I’m a 25 year old trans woman with several disabilities, such as ADHD, possible autism, BPD, depression, anxiety, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, et cetera. I need real help in order to keep the apartment that I fought so hard to get. I am seeking disability right now, but it is going extremely slowly and I don’t know when I’ll see any help from the government. Let me explain a bit of my situation.

Medicine has never really worked for me, and I recently decided I needed to come off wellbutrin because it was making my anxiety a lot worse, as well as depleting my ability to really feel anything at all, so my doctor recommended I stop and try a new med. I can’t afford to go to the doctor very often so I stopped the medicine a month ago and am going back in September to try something different that will hopefully help.

Essentially, I live in income based apartments and lately, my disabilities have been either preventing or seriously hindering me from getting to my job. I used to work basically full time at my deli job and it became too much due to me being burnt out for like the last 5 years, so I had to cut down. I work three days a week now, and it’s already becoming too much again because of said perpetual burn out and medication withdrawal. I have either been missing work entirely or been late every single day, and they haven’t fired me yet but I fear the worst is coming soon.

Right now, my rent is $372, my water bill is already behind, power bill still needs paying, and I only have ≈$100 in my bank account right now. I am planning to yard sale both this Friday and Saturday, and next, and get some more cash before it is due, which is on the 10th of August. On the 10th, they will serve me an eviction notice to get out by the 20th unless I can get the money.

I am asking here if anyone could spare anything, any amount is immensely appreciated. I have been on my own for a few years now with little to no support, and I've always despised needing or asking for it, but the fact of the matter though is that this is my last Hail Mary to save my sinking ship, and I'm desperate.

I know most folks here are also struggling though, and I hate to make this post, but I am kind of at my wits end in regards to keeping this apartment. This has been my first somewhat stable home in pretty much my whole life and I'm terrified of being forced to move yet again. If I can just get this month’s rent paid, I will be able to find a new, more tolerable job in the meantime while I am seeking disability benefits, and then hopefully keep the ball rolling.

Any amount will help, I am honestly begging and I will appreciate anything anyone can spare, be it a donation or a share.

Update 8-12-24: so we have made some good progress here and I am thankful. Sadly some unforseen expenses had come out, so not exactly where I'd like it, but it is coming along. I've just got 8 ish days left to come up with the rest though, so. I am considering selling my Playstation, and that was unconscionable previously, so things are fairly dire.

V3nm0: @Skellish

C@sh@pp: $Skellish69

Goal: $372

Current: $110 / updated: $190, (still need $182)

[serahlink]

🚨 EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS OPEN🚨 tw // homeless / some med talk but not much

Reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

Making a new post to hopefully get some work for my family and I so we have somewhere to stay for tonight, since work has been very slow lately. I'm Link, and I'm a 22-year old artist, and my family and I (me + my father and younger sibling) have been homeless since November 2021. It's a long story. TL;DR version is at the same time, while I was living with a friend and my dad + younger sibling was on the road (he drove a van at the time) he had gotten into a diabetic coma and was fired by his job. Being fired meant he or my sibling didn't exactly have a home to go back to, as our relatives on both sides refused to help. At the same time, I was going to have to find someplace else since my friends grandmother was entering the late stages of her life and they had to transfer her to the nursery, meaning there was a lot of things his family had to take care of and I couldn't be there. They allowed my father, sibling and I to stay there for two weeks to give us time to find someplace else.

While I was there, I'd been doing commissions to help their family out with food, and since it was either the streets or living under a roof; I told my friend to take us to a nearby motel since we had enough for a day, and we could figure things out from there. So since then, I've been keeping us here by doing commissions ever since. Either of us haven't been able to obtain a job yet due to how hard it is for us to get our documents to get an id (we dont have a car at the moment, and saving money for the room and food is already tough as is), but recently we think we might be able to get my father's ID so he can work, were waiting on his lung condition to recover fully and get money saved up for the documents and all that before we apply to get them. So hope isn't fully lost for us, we just need to take care of some things for a while longer until then.

Recently, things have gotten worse again. We were paying weekly thanks to the help from my followers and commissions I was getting, but when we weren't able to pay for another, we went back to paying daily again. And immediately we were set back. For the past few days, we haven't been able to pay for one let alone food. We were able to pay most of it to at least stay here, thanks to the kindness of the staff, but they called us earlier to tell us if we couldn't pay everything tonight, then we'd have to leave. We owe 120 by 11pm tonight, and I thought maybe making a new post might help us since posting on my other socials hasn't done much for us lately.

My commissions are open, and if you're interested in helping us out via a commission you can contact me through my Tumblr dms since it's the easiest way to get to me. But if you can't help financially, which I totally understand, I know the economy is tough on all of us right now, please don't feel bad or anything. Reblogs also help us a ton, and it always means a lot to us.

For the commission info itself, I have it all packed into this link right here, along with examples of my art and prices. I draw mainly fantasy pertaining to the Dragon Age Series and although I know little to nothing about Baulders Gate, I have done some art of tavs before! I also do DnD work as well, so I'm used to drawing pretty unique characters. I'll also put some examples I have below. If you want something outside of that, I'm sure I can provide, just let me know upon your request! And I think that's all. Much love to you and thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day/night :)

[chu-diaries]

140 days of productivity: day 10/140

Today was such a weird day… I ended up sleeping until 10:30 am because my flu meds made me so sleepy. I spent the whole day feeling groggy, confused and disconnected from my body. Unfortunately, my first physical response to this kind of bad feeling is anxiety, as if my body wanted to force me into a state of stress so that I would return to reality. It didn't work and I basically had a horrible day.

I tried to do some work updating my finances, but I had trouble understanding some of the data and gave up. I also got my first credit card from my scented candle company and thought the packaging was really cute.

Today it was really hot, the air was thick and it was hard to breathe. I went for a walk in the late afternoon and witnessed the red sun phenomenon, which happens when smoke from forest fires fills the sky. I'm glad I bought a powerful air humidifier, I'll need it now more than ever! I managed to have some self-care moments today and tested my 140g candles at different times of the day. I also washed dishes, watered my plants and cried when I felt like it (very important).

I finally studied Korean - yes! apparently I'm still a Korean langblr! - and reviewed the main consonants and vowels I've already learned. I really need to figure out a study schedule that works better for me, since my current schedule has been reduced to basically 0 hours of Korean practice per week lol.

🩸: day 3/29

💧: 3 L 🥵🥵🥵

🏋🏻‍♀️: 🚫

🏃🏻‍♀️: walking (2 km)

🕯️: answered emails from partners + did more candle tests

🪘: I listened to my favorite podcast and learned about the life and struggles of Luzia Pinta, Pai Gavião and Juca Rosa, former slaves who fought to maintain their religious practice in Brazilian territory (2 h)

🇰🇷: studied the main consonants and vowels (1 h)

🎧: Café da Manhã, a News podcast by Spotify Studios

📺: one piece ep. 534

📚: Orí: a Cabeça como Divindade - Márcio de Jagun

🛑: 17 days pick free (can’t believe it!! My face looks so good)

💊: iron supplements, vitamin c, omega 3 + flu medications

[turtletaubwrites]

Hello there! Below the cut is a short, grumpy vent about my current health fiasco 😠🤕

Lol, please don't join my pain! I won't be offended if you don't read it. I just need to let it out before I waste all my spoons trying to yell at doctors.

(cw: hospital, medication, psychiatrist, financial struggles, potentially dangerous side effects, lack of sleep)

So hella nurses, my pharma doc, and myself have been waiting all day (actually since Friday when we sent the FIRST urgent message 🙄) for my psychiatrist to approve me tapering off my med that saved me 3 years ago, but has also apparently been making life awful and now dangerous.

I really should go to the ER. I'm packed and ready, but I'm waiting on this guy to tell me to or not, because I can't afford it. I booked an appointment with my primary care, but it's not until the 18th, and she's out of the office so I can't ask if she can squeeze me in.

Soo, here's hoping he stops ghosting half the psych department long enough to tell me if my reaction is the extra special kind it looks just like that could potentially blind me (or a few other fun things) 🤦🏼‍♀️

(Actually taking sick days too, but I found out my company is going bankrupt at the end of the month, so who knows if I'll actually get paid. They've been 2-3 weeks late on paying every other paycheck for months now 🤷‍♀️😩)

(Again y'all, ilysm, but please don't send me money for this! I'll be okay, I'd rather you donate it! 🙏🏼💜)

According to the fitbit, I got 2 hours and 58 minutes of sleep last night. It felt like less while I debated the costs of waiting another day to see a doctor when my body is doing bad things to itself.

I'm so tired. Just wanna write... but 😠😠😠😠😠

~ Lynna 💜

[dollsonmain]

I kind of feel bad for That Guy, actually.

He's refused to have insurance all this time because he thinks it's a scam.

I kind of agree. You pay in and pay in and either never need it and of course never get it back, or when you need it you have to fight with the insurance company to get them to pay for things, especially if you have atypical needs like common meds not working for you and needing alternatives. I've watched so many disabled friends struggle with their insurance to get their medical needs covered, and being disabled, unable to afford them otherwise.

I didn't realize that part of his proud "We're self-pay." statements stemmed from a lack of knowledge about the cost of healthcare. He's also always going on about having more money than he knows what to do with, but that's because he's neglected all of our medical needs, including his own, and is letting the house fall apart around us. I can only do so much to keep it together with a disabled body and no funds.

I pity him because it must have been quite the shock to go from thinking that of course he knew, his assumptions were right about what he knew, and then have the universe come along and show him that not only did he not know, but to do so in the one place that really hurts him, the one thing he really cares about: His wallet. Doubly painful that it was a lesson learned when paying for care for me; someone he sees as a burden already (he really doesn't like buying me food) and not as a person but as a tool.

Every time I've needed medical care and he's had to pay it out of pocket I've mentioned that One Big Thing and he'd wish we had insurance.

I'm sure it also stings to be constantly telling US in an angry voice that we HAVE to know things! We HAVE to know EVERYTHING, there is so much going on in life, we HAVE to know, and then get hit very hard with undeniable proof that he wasn't as knowledgeable about a subject as he thought he was.

That has to have been a hard lesson, especially having to see me being unsurprised by the expenses and able to talk about things like medical tourism, proving again that I knew more about something when he's convinced himself that of course he's smarter than me in all things. That's something I used to believe, too.

As deserved as it is, I feel bad for him having to go through that learning experience because it's hard and unpleasant.

-

I do not feel guilty for the medical bills nor do I feel guilty that he's paying them after 20+ years of emotional, sexual, and financial abuse, and me trying to convince him to get insurance for at least him and our son since he refuses to marry me because it would give me leverage and rights therefore his work insurance wouldn't cover me anyway, and to start a college fund for our son when he was born because I couldn't since he'd taken me away from my job (with really good insurance, by the way) after ignoring our contraceptive methods without my consent and got me pregnant knowing full well that I didn't want kids.

I'm sure my anger comes through even when I'm saying I pity him.

I am sorry that the cost is equating to the loss of a year's wages before taxes in the course of a few months and he absolutely hates his job. It's already been more than what he earned from selling his late father's house (split 50/50 with his sister on a derelict townhouse in Philadelphia, so about $42k earned but already $60k payed/pending) and I'm sorry about that, too.

However, I'm not at fault how much health care costs in the U.S. any more than I'm at fault for needing it.

[puffpasstea]

Help!

A/N: here’s an overly specific SATELLITE blurb about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Except, despite my best efforts, I don’t currently live with Harry Styles, so my thing in real life has a slightly different ending. Mostly writing this for myself, not gonna lie, lol. But I hope it can bring someone some comfort too.

summary: Alice can’t get her antidepressants and shit happens. This is the unglamorous, unromantic side of mental illness. warnings: mentions of mental illness, prescription meds, Harry being a supportive partner. —

I pushed my bangs off my forehead, dotting moisturizer onto the outlines of my face and rubbing it in. I could hear the faint sound of Harry’s singing, downstairs, in the kitchen. He’d clearly made it to The Beatles playlist, which means he’s making breakfast.

I need somebody (Help!)

not just anybody (Help!)

you know I need someone

heeelppp!

I closed my eyes, smiling, as I listened to him belt out alongside John Lennon on the speakers. He’d been on a Beatles kick lately. He and Mitch were rediscovering the Lennon-McCartney hits, but they got all flustered and weird whenever I said that their partnership was kind of similar, minus the years of toxic rivalry. this new found obsession gave me comfort, thought. It’d become something of a routine for Harry to listen to the same songs every morning. I loved hearing him sing along as I got ready for the day and tracking his activity by the song that he had reached.

I opened the medicine cabinet and reached for my morning meds. The bottle felt light, I was running low, so I made a mental note to call my psychiatrist later today. ———

Help me if you can, I’m feeling dowwwnnn

and I do appreciate you being ‘rounnndd

In the kitchen, Harry hummed to himself, flipping the omelette in the pan, and gyrating his hips the way he usually did onstage. He was still in his sweaty running clothes, but boy did he look good.

I stood in the doorway, watching him, and wondering how I got so lucky. He was perfect. Harry turned around, getting startled when he saw me, but not for long. The surprise immediately gave way to mischief. He smiled, raising an eyebrow and dancing his way towards me. With his body facing mine, he reached a hand behind him, turning the stove off, and then wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close. “Dance with me.” He demanded.

“W-what?” I laughed, kissing his lips. “You stink” “C’mon, Matilda, dance with me.”

Won’t you please, please help meee?!

—

I wasn’t the kind of person to congratulate herself very often, mostly because I always found faults within even my biggest accomplishments, but I must admit, I was proud of myself this time. for managing to remember the refill I needed, getting over my anxiety long enough to schedule the follow up without any external help, and even making sure it would get refilled while I still had a few pills in my older bottle. In all my years of being on antidepressants, this had never happened. I usually put off making the calls because of how anxious they all made me, waited until the last possible moment, when I was one pill away from running out, and then having to pay a whole lot of extra money for some temporary pills to tide me over. But, it appeared Harry’s encouragement and support were starting to rub off on me. For once, I had my shit together. Or so I thought. "I’m sorry what?! What do you mean you have no record of the prescription? No, it’s fine. I’ll call my doctor. Thank you.”

just my luck. I felt heart racing in my chest. My breath quickened, my hands felt clammy. I can’t do this…

—

“honey, I’m homeeee!” Harry’s voice announced in the distance. As always, he was back from his morning run and would probably want to make breakfast soon. I ran back upstairs and jumped into bed quickly, shutting my eyes and pretending to be asleep. Moments later, Harry walked in. “oh, she’s asleep.” He whispered to himself. He made his way over to my side of the bed, pulling the blankets over me and tucking me in. The scent of his sweaty workout hung in the air as he leaned over and gave my forehead a quick kiss. I’m a horrible person for lying to him…

—

“Babe? Hand me the salt please?” My hands shook as I reached into the spice cabinet and grabbed the salt container. I waited a moment for it to steady before turning towards Harry, but it was too late. He’d noticed. “What was that?” damn him and his attention to detail. “what was what?” Maybe if I pretended not to know what he’s talking about…

“Your hands are shaking. Look! Do you seriously not feel that?” The salt container slipped out of my hand and went crashing into the ground.

“fuck!” I jumped as the shards of glass hit my leg. “you alright?”

“yes, god! I’ll clean it up okay? Let it go already!”

Harry frowned, staring at me, no doubt confused by my overreaction.

I rushed to the broom and began to busy myself with cleanup, trying my best not to focus on the fact that Harry was still fixated on me.

“what’s the matter, Alice? Talk to me.”

shit. Now he wanted to talk.

when I said nothing, Harry walked over to me and grabbed the broom, prying it out of my hands and setting it aside. “Look at me. Why won’t you look at me? Alice! What’s going on with you?”

“nothing.” I whispered, barely loud enough for Harry to hear. “it’s clearly not nothing, baby.” His hand cupped my face, gently tilting it so my eyes would meet his. “Is - is this about the other night? Cuz, if it is…you know, I don’t care about that…it’s no big deal!”

“the other night?” It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about. “Oh, god, no! Harry, no!” I pushed his hand off my face, turning away from him, and tiptoeing around the glass remains of the salt container to find a seat at the dining table. “so, you couldn’t cum. Big fuckin deal. Happens to the best of us! It’s no reason to be embarrassed, really.”

“Oh my god, shut up, Harry, will you” as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized how rude I was being. “Sorry.”

Harry followed me, taking a seat next to me. He had clearly run out of things to say, so he stared at me expectantly, awaiting some kind of explanation.

“I, uh, look,” I cleared my throat. “Headaches, anxiety, dizziness, nausea, uncontrollable shaking, flu-like symptoms including chills and body aches, irritability, difficulty getting and maintaining arousal….” I was out of breath and positively blushing. So, I paused, looking away from Harry’s intense gaze. His brows furrowed, shaking his head in confusion.

“these are all symptoms of withdrawal.” I said matter-of-factly.

“sorry, withdrawal?”

“from my antidepressants.”

“you- you haven’t been taking your meds?” His expression had now changed from confusion to concern.

“I haven’t been able to!” The frustration that I’d been refusing to confront for days now bubbled to the surface. I exhaled loudly, tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

“Why, why not?”

“I’ve run out….and, I don’t know. I called my doctor. She said she sent the prescription over to the pharmacy, but-“ I was full on sobbing now. harry, to his credit, jumped right into action, pulling me out of my chair and onto his lap, rubbing my back. I let myself cry for a second before catching my breath and speaking again “every time I call the pharmacy they say I need to tell her to do it again. And, I- I tried. Her secretary doesn’t- she doesn’t-“

“breathe, baby, breathe.” Harry squeezed my shoulders gently.

“I keep trying to explain to her, but she doesn’t get it. And I’m so bad at this confrontation thing…I get so anxious and….”

I buried my face into Harry chest, sobbing like a child. He sat there, completely still except for the hand that continued to rub my back soothingly.

“honey, why didn’t you say anything?” He finally asked when my cries had died down.

“it’s embarrassing, Harry! It’s, like, so dumb. I should be able to do this one thing by myself. I didn’t know how to tell you that I’d failed to obtain a simple fucking refill.”

“‘S not dumb-“

“oh but it is!! Why would you wanna be with someone who can’t sort out her own problems and cries all over your clothes at the most minor of inconveniences. How exhausting is that?!”

“Baby, this isn’t minor.” The hand that had been rubbing my back suddenly stopped. He used to to pull me away so he could look into my eyes as he spoke. “Alice, you need this medicine to function. How are you supposed to sort it out on your own if literally you can’t function? Hmm? This isn’t like your vitamins or whatever. Miss a day and it’s no big deal…this is like the biggest deal!”

hearing him explain it made everything sound logical, in my head, though, I felt like a helpless idiot who could get dumped for mentioning it out loud. “does that make sense? Plus, it’s what I’m here for. You can tell me these things, baby. I can help. I can call on your behalf and sort it out.”

I nodded, wiping the stray tears in my eyes with the back of my arm. “Guess I just don’t know how to ask for help, sometimes.”

“It’s simple, really, you can just say ‘help! I need somebody…help! Not just any body��” I rolled my eyes, shoving my elbow into his chest.

Harry laughed, continuing to sing. “Help! I need someone. heeeelp!”

“alright, John Lennon. I get it. So, could you please help me?” “it would be my pleasure.”

[lightandwinged]

SO. I've been trying for a hot minute to get an autism diagnosis because even though I'm 99% sure I'm autistic, you can't really use that if you're requesting accommodations somewhere (like a place of employ or a school or what-have-you). I'm self-diagnosed, in other words, which is a thing I used to hate, but I've obviously changed my mind there because (a) who fucking cares, and (b) getting an actual diagnosis as an adult woman is a bit like trying to run a marathon in swim flippers. Like you might get there eventually, but you've been given such an absurd handicap that it's easier to just give up about a hundred feet in and take a cab.

The tl;dr is that I finally had an appointment and while I didn't get an autism diagnosis (because, as it turned out, the neuropsychiatrist I saw literally could not do that without my insurance then charging me several thousand dollars wtf), it was not ruled out; and I did get diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD (which tracks) and nonverbal learning disorder (which is new).

With the ADHD, I am not surprised because apparently the latest version of the DSM categorizes a lot of women's autism cases as being funky ADHD. But it also tracks with the way my life has kind of worked to this point, so even though I don't think ADHD explains everything, it does at least track with my shitty homework doing abilities, my failure to pay attention to literally anything by itself no matter how much I want to do so, and a whole host of other WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS, BRAIN, things. I have no idea what the next steps will be there--typically, I'd be like sure, let's try drugs, but apparently all the ADHD meds that exist are rare to find these days, so we're just going to put a pin in that and come back to it some other time.

And then there's the NVLD, which is.

Okay.

It's not a new diagnosis as a whole because it's been talked about since ages ago and thrown around as a diagnosis for people since at least the 80s, BUT it's really coming into prominence lately since Asperger's Syndrome was correctly removed as a potential diagnosis. The name is stupid because it makes it sound like I'm nonverbal completely, which I am the opposite. What the disorder actually entails is struggling with literally everything that isn't verbal learning; or not even struggling but it doesn't come as easily as verbal learning. Like part of my diagnosis was an IQ test, and I'm apparently a literal genius when it comes to verbal intelligence, but everything else was in the normal range, which isn't BAD but also when you're REALLY good at one thing and then everything else is just normal, it feels like you're bad at everything else.

Anyway, it's basically marked by exactly that, being really good at verbal intelligence and then having struggles of varying levels in other areas, especially visual/spatial and social. It's typically comorbid with at least one other neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc.), but it's not a diagnosis in the DSM just yet, so it's the kind of thing where knowing you have it helps with recognizing that no, it's not my fault that I trip over thick clumps of air and can't do math or socialize to save my life BUT I also can't really go into a workplace and be like "you need to allow me this this and this accommodation because NVLD" because without DSM recognition, it's not necessarily legally protected, which is bullshit.

But I guess that's what the ADHD is for.

IN ANY CASE. I've also decided not to give up on an autism diagnosis because it's possible but it's an uphill battle. I have to find the funds for it (because insurance won't cover the assessment), and then I have to find a neuropsychiatrist who won't take insurance so that I can actually get assessed, and THEN I have to get an appointment, but I want to have it on record, one way or another.

And also this basically has me pretty solidly certain that once I've figured out the fibromyalgia pain and fatigue, writing A Lot needs to happen because like... if you're Very Gifted With Words and not writing, maybe you should change that, or maybe just I should, idk.

[zeump]

So this is personal but

My mom is in another manic phase again. The last time it was accompanied by SEVERE paranoia and delusions, to the point where we had to hospitalize her twice and the cops were called multiple times. Despite having my own crises throughout my life, that period was the single most traumatic time from my life and the only thing that invokes something akin to PTSD. She’s been really impulsive, not paying any attention (has gotten in two property-related car accidents in the last three weeks), staying up late, getting in late to work (and just got fired today), and just general manic behavior. I haven’t even seen or heard the worst of it, she sounds generally “with-it” when she talks to me but there’s that edge in her voice. I fee bad for my dad and brother living with her, honestly.

I’m hoping this doesn’t turn into the full blown paranoid schizo-affective episode like last time… its hard to say. But its hard either way. This time I’m more worried about 1) her injuring herself or someone else, or generating property insurance claims due to her carelessness 2) her self-medicating and/or overdosing. Its happened before and after a talk with my brother last month I suspect she has been self medicating for most of my life either with painkillers, muscle relaxers, and/or anti-anxiety meds.

Anyway um… if you pray, could you ask your preferred deity to send a little help our way? I love my mom- she is at her core a deeply kind and intelligent person— but she needs help and refuses to accept that. I just want her to be happy and healthy.

[neurodivenport]

rant about whatever you want rn! a ship, a character, your life, a person, negative or bad, just let out a rant or even multiple!

eugh anon i love u for this

life is super weird rn because i really need to get a job but i can’t find one that won’t overstimulate me to hell and acting doesn’t pay too well. i’m super nervous for late april because the performances for this show i’m in are coming up and so is my birthday (i cannot believe i’m a fucking adult every year is genuinely horrifying)

i was in a super bad depresh for a while but i had a few really good days and managed to kind of get out of it. i’m okay now. not depressed but just stressed to hell ig. the only thing being my saving grace is lab rats tbh. i like burying myself in a fictional world with characters i love and its like. very peaceful. i’ve even been getting off my phone earlier at night so i have more time to daydream about chase (usually i wait until my meds kick in to where i’m about to pass out & i put my phone down then and immediately conk out)

i got sent some money from my grandparents so i went online shopping and i’m super excited for my stuff to get here though. my fashion & style has changed a lot in the past year and i’m trying to get more stuff to reflect that. i also cannot tell if i’m in love with this boy or if i just love him like a good friend but thats a whole other story

[fledglingmaster]

Three weeks, three, without my full dose of SNRI.

There needs to be a better way to do this. Every year we are going to go through this all over again because insurance doesn't approve expensive medication for life. No in a year I might just magically be cured of fibromyalgia and my brain decides to work right. *sigh* I have jumped through all the hoops. I have tried every medication that is currently used for fibromyalgia. I have been on multiple antidepressants. It is well documented this is the only medication that helps my depression. Just as it is well documented that I have tried every treatment for migraines except that new thirty minute IV one that's extremely expensive and neuromodulation.

Every year insurance wants the exact same paperwork we sent over to get approved in the first place with. Shouldn't that be on file already? Isn't a doctor saying, "yes, patient responds well to this treatment and we want to continue it," enough? Why is the wait time so long for a medication that has been approved in the past? I can understand all the obstacles while trying to get initial approval. If something cheaper works insurance would rather shell out for that, I get it. But I did my part, I suffered through all those trials, my doctors have done their parts too. Why is this a year occurrence? They don't dispute any of my cheap medication. I'm not the one setting the price of my meds. I would love if the cheap stuff worked! My body is very drug resistant and as I never shut up about, it is wired wrong.

The pharmacy holds my prescription, even if I got some emergency funds out and attempted to pay myself. They won't fill it until they get the okay. They also can't spare you anything to tide you over, I understand that is a legal issue. But that's where there should be a process, one month before the coverage expires, insurance should say, "hey send us those papers." Then while it's processing you still get your next month's worth of meds and bam, you never had any interruption of medication because it's approved before you need your next refill.

I've noticed a shift in our mood lately. Bleu has been getting really down. I've lost track of how many times he's cried the past couple weeks. Today it was out of nowhere. Literally everything was fine and he fell to pieces. Very reminiscent of how we were unmedicated...I don't like that. It's not normal crying, it's full-on sink to the earth wailing and it can last for an hour or more. Worse yet, it happens multiple times a day without a prompt. Not only is it uncomfortable for everyone around, but it seems very harmful to our well-being. This isn't the letting emotions out kind of cry but ramping them up worse. Bleu has alerted me to where he is mentally, it's not great. I'm just glad Lilith is leaving him alone for now. He does not need any ideas. Thankfully I'm grounded enough that I can remind him it's that we're off our meds and this will be fixed soon. It's temporary.

Last night I got a bit dizzy but today...what boat am I on and how do I get off? I'm certain I would come off as intoxicated but what is really happening is neurologic issues and beginning stages of withdrawal. It's difficult to keep my balance, my muscles keep locking up, I'm having brain shocks, we're highly emotional, a mess. I took our normal afternoon dose as our meds should be in tomorrow and we need them. It's clear we can barely function without our medication. I truly believe if we were not put on it when we were we would not be alive currently. I know I shouldn't complain, I have known others that get their meds interrupted every few months. We're lucky it's only once a year. But that gap shouldn't happen to anyone.

[quippih]

i need to get out of florida

I've lived here for my whole life. It's always been the same hot weather and scorching sun and suffocating humidity. I don't hate it here; if I could afford an apartment far away from my family but close enough to the beach that I could go whenever I wanted and got top surgery and hormones so I didn't feel like a freak whenever I go to the beach then yeah. I'd live here for the rest of my life. I fucking love the beach.

But a little less than a year ago I was up in Kansas City, going to art school and living in the overflow housing that was just a hotel next to the school. And yeah, I wasn't doing great in my classes and I eventually was kicked out because of it, but damn did I feel free.

I even had a job, as mind numbing and exhausting as it was. In hindsight seasonal depression plus my uncle passing away really put me in a position where I wasn't fighting to stay in that school. I wasn't trying. For 90% of my life I've blamed myself for my shortcomings, so shoot me if I want to blame the snow and some cancer for not trying, instead of faulting it on my own willpower.

I miss it every day. I don't miss the student debt and the art history and critical studies classes. I mainly miss riding my electric bike around and feeling responsible when I went to get groceries with money I earned. Sure, I wasn't paying rent and I got most of my meals through the school. But I didn't have to think about whether or not I was allowed to have a treat or get myself a midnight snack. Or whether I was allowed to go to late night events or ride my bike around town at ungodly hours of the night.

Of course, I wasn't really taking care of myself that much either. I was very wishy-washy with therapy, which sucks because I found a therapist I really liked right before I left. He knew nothing about being trans, which I sometimes find is a good thing because explaining it to someone else makes me feel like I understand myself more than I probably do. I was at least taking my meds, I tried to use good coping skills or whatever. I didn't drink alcohol or shoot heroin or anything. But again, getting hit with a wave of not being able to get out of bed because it's cold outside was fucking intense. Especially after living somewhere where the only two seasons are hot and hotter.

I'm reading Nevada right now, a book about a trans woman in New York who rides her bike a lot and thinks a lot about Being Trans in a very self-aware kind of way. And I see her holding a job and living in an apartment with her girlfriend and (spoilers) having to couch surf with a friend for a bit and I think. I've already got friends in New York. I have L, a friend who does performing arts and has been up there at SVA for at least a year now. My friend D is going up there for SVA too. I went to an art high school full of fellow fags and dykes and transsexuals, of course a good chunk of them are ending up in New York.

It's hard to have that courage again, because I failed the first time. I don't know if I want to go to New York, or Kansas City, or anywhere else because I won't have anywhere to turn to if I fail again. In a school sense, I mean; if I had a degree and was just struggling to find work and couldn't afford rent then I think my parents would help me out a bit. They're not heartless or anything.

I think I'm going to get my bachelors in Graphic Design at the local college, fill my time with school so my parents think I'm working towards something, and then I'll fuck off to some other state where it snows. I'll figure out how to hold a job and pay rent and live with my boyfriend and live with my girlfriend and take hormones and save up for top surgery and Be a Person without wanting to kill myself again.

and maybe then, after a while, i'll come back home and go to the beach again.

[thyhalloweddesign]

Weekend greetings from Xiǎo-Guǐ and me!

Past year has definitely been An Experience. Got fired, did a very shoddy education course, the entire plan that required that education fell apart, and then insurance issues meant I've been without my asthma meds for months. Lastly, my originally very minor debt tripled due to a number of things and not having a job for a while (seriously the list of shit that made my debt is insane at this point).

So not a great year. But! I got my fur baby, who has absolutely kept me going thru all this shite. I would have had such a terrible reaction to this year without her, an absolute lifeline of a pet. 😻 And I have a new job so I should be able to start paying off my loans and what's left on my emergency fund credit card. It has been a majorly stressful learning experience.

One thing is that I definitely don't think I can rely on other people for plans that involve me. My trust in people and my ability to rely on others has already been a major issue due to past issues and trauma, and unfortunately, this year really added this other issue to the list hahaha... I think I've been coasting on my own general understanding of psychology/therapy and my own issues/traumas to get by, but I really want to be able to make some more close friends and actually feel like I can trust/rely on them, and I'm just hitting a wall by myself. So therapy is a major goal now, instead of just a vague "yeah could be useful but I don't think I Need it right now". This emotional disconnect with people is definitely wearing me down lately.

Two, doing the medical billing certification helped me learn what I actually want to do with my life - career wise specifically. I absolutely didn't find this experience enjoyable or even worth it at all. The plan I was doing it all for fell thru spectacularly, and it was a major waste of $3000. The only reason I did it was because I was guaranteed jobs afterwards, and Everyone then stated they couldn't afford a biller once I finished. On top of that, anyone else I tried getting that job with also didn't want to hire billers at all (most small practices are doing it all themselves simply bc they don't want to pay someone else to do it and say it's easy enough - despite how often they have rejected claims and audits bc they don't know what they're doing, medical billing is fucking Hard, ok!) or only wanted billers who had extensive experience as nurses. Which is ridiculous. So I'm just chucking it all out the window and taking the loss for another painful learning experience.

Three, all that crap aside, it really made me want to rekindle my love of languages and my dream of being a translator. I had dropped the thought entirely after I left high school because my hearing was significantly fucked by then - and for some reason if I couldn't be an interpreter, I couldn't be a translator at all either??? No idea what I was thinking but it does mean I've missed out on a decade of potential learning! So I've been looking into universities that have translating and linguistics degrees - which is very few. I've checked out a few of them and I believe I've settled on one. It has both degrees and the languages I want to continue learning. I'm thinking that I'll do a Linguistics Bachelor's with Mandarin, alongside an Asian Studies certificate with Japanese; then after I'd do the Translation & Interpretation Studies Major with French - they only do French, Spanish, German, and Russian for this, and I've already spent over 5 years learning French and Japanese together. It would be a long road for me but I know I would enjoy it no matter what.

Four, I always wanted to get out of my current city and was looking at a much smaller one about an hour south that I liked but. My mother returned from Utah this year and is just 25 minutes away from that city. Her entire family is actually in a kind of circle around that city and I do Not want to be in the same state as any of them. Moving closer to my stalker is not possible. So since I believe I've found the university I want to go to, I'm thinking I'll move to Wisconsin and get away from them entirely instead. I'm not sure how soon this'll happen as I really need to clear up my new debt before doing a huge move. But I'm so excited for what such a major change will do for the hopes and goals I have now. I move apartments frequently but this city is one I've lived in for... fuck, at least 19 years oh my stars. I so need to leave, hahaha.

Five, I'm doing a workshop thru a Trans Foundation to help me finally get my name changed on Friday! I've been putting it off for so long and I put a deadline on myself that I had to get it done by the time I'm 33 - I just turned 33 last month. It's time.

But all these plans will hopefully culminate in me moving overseas to Belgium - probably the south bc they speak French there instead of Dutch - it's such a dream of mine to be a translator living on a narrow boat with my fur babies and Not live in the US. Now to start working on making it happen.

[bilaudad]

Thanks for the tag @theonevoice! :3

Last song: Tusk by Fleetwood Mac. I kinda love everything about this song - I love its chaotic masculine energy, I love that the title is a dick reference, I love the frenzied disorganized drum solo in the middle, I love that it was recorded in a bathroom for both the vibe and acoustics 🩷

Favorite color: something in the indigo-royal blue-teal spectrum probably. I love me some deep rich dark blues and greens.

Currently watching: doing a hatecrimes md rewatch for background TV when I draw; for paying-proper-attention TV, I don’t have a current one. But I did see the first episode of Severance with my sister and brother in law back when I was still living with them, and if I ever remember to remind them that they promised to share their apple tv login with me, then I want to watch the rest!

Spicy/savory/sweet: if this question is “you can only have one for the rest of your life, which is it” then savory. If this is asking “what is your favorite for a treat” then either sweet or sweet/savory combo.

Relationship status: hella single lol. I took kind of a while to figure out I’m a lesbian, and then almost immediately after my big revelation, there was this whole global pandemic? 🙃 and then I started med school 🙃🙃 I hope I meet a nice lady when I’m an attending 🙃🙃🙃 (I’ve also joked with my sister that at this point with my hyperfixation, I may need to just date within the fandom, idk if a normal person will understand or tolerate my obsession hahaaa)

Current obsession: Good Omens of course. Also digital painting/art techniques. I’ve wanted to learn digital art for ages and the gomens brainrot finally spurred me to just go for it! It’s so fun. And idk this fandom space in particular has been wonderful for practicing trying new things and sharing with strangers and getting outside my comfort zone, and almost always having those efforts met with warmth and encouragement and matched excitement/love of the source material. 💗 Getting back into art in general has been such a needed escape from school/career stress, but I kinda haven’t found a good balance yet, so it’s part therapeutic and part dangerous distraction from my obligations… 😅

Tagging: idk I’m late to this one, the notification got buried lol - anyone who sees it and wants to participate! 🩷

Nine people i'd like to get to know better:

Tagged by: @bell-of-indecision, thank you so much for tagging me <3

Last Song: Gmfu by Odetari,6arelyhuman

Favourite colour: Dark red, violet, pink

Currently watching: Death note, ep6

Spicy/Savoury/Sweet: Spicy

Relationship status: Single

Current Obsession: Mbti types and cognitive functions.

Tagging: @somin-yin @a-cloud-for-dreams @axepen @hinsaa-paramo-dharma @basic-bitch-alkali @rhysaka @blackknight-100 @squishywizardd @reykalot