#i need to pay for my meds and life has not been kind lately :^/

[terraswallows]

Diary of an Awkward trans-girl : Day 16 - A Friend Like No Other.

You know how you sometimes have that one friend—the one who's just always there, no matter what? For me, that friend is Francis.

He's a cis white dude, and honestly? I can say without hesitation he’s had my back more fiercely and more consistently than almost anyone else.

For some context: Francis was the very first person I came out to when I began my transition.

He looked me dead in the eyes and asked—serious as anything—if this was truly what I wanted. If it was something I needed. And when I told him yes, he didn’t hesitate. He just nodded, calm and steady, pulled me into the biggest bear hug, and said, "If you ever back out, I’m gonna bitchslap you... then hug you all over again."

Because that's what real support looks like—someone who's ready to fight for you and hold you when you need it most.

He didn’t just support me—he showed up for me. He drove me to my first endocrinologist appointment, refused to let me pay for gas or breakfast, and even celebrated with me afterward. And because he had experience working in the medical field, he helped me navigate a system I was absolutely lost in—guiding me to where I needed to go for bloodwork, for meetings, for everything. I would’ve been a terrified little lost sheep without him.

When I told him the name I wanted to go by, he just smiled, asked for my pronouns, and promised that whatever changed, he'd be there—no hesitation. From that day on, he has never called me anything but my name. Not once. Even better, he corrects people when they slip up, without making a scene but making it very clear. He's fought for my name and my identity in rooms I wasn’t even in.

Beyond that, he’s just… Francis. He buys me little drinks and snacks for no reason other than vibes. He hands me Magic: The Gathering cards just because he knows they’ll make me smile. He gives me lifts home when things are tight without even blinking. He talks to me. Confides in me. Listens when I need to scream or cry or just exist.

Today was no different—but also, it kind of was.

He’d seen my posts online about how rough things had been lately. So he showed up at my work, unannounced, just to hang out and keep me company, casually doing his usual thing—buying me little drinks, joking, handing me random nerdy treasures because that’s just who he is.

Later, as he was driving me home, he glanced over and said, "Hey Terra, what meds do you still need this month? I noticed you’ve been stressing about money." I tried to brush it off, tried to tell him it was fine. But he pressed, gentle but firm: "Okay, what’s the important one? What do you need to top up next?"

I told him it was my blockers. He just nodded and said, "Done. Don’t even stress about it. I’ll buy your blockers this month, no questions. You need them. Consider it your birthday present from me, since your birthday’s next month anyway and I suck at gifts."

I tried to protest. He cut me off, voice soft but steady: "Terra, you need this. This is your life. And if it helps you get where you need to be, even a little bit faster, then it’s not even a question. I got you, girl. Always."

I cried a little when I got home, not gonna lie.

I guess I just needed to say it somewhere: I’m so fucking lucky to have someone like Francis in my life. Someone who doesn’t just say they support me, but proves it, over and over again. Someone who sees me—the real me—and never flinches.

I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like that. But, am I grateful. More than I could ever put into words.

[rinniewvrld]

𝗬𝗔𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗥𝗘!𝗥𝗢𝗢𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗧𝗘 .ᐟ

summary, your roommate, ryunosuke, is your typical joe. albeit lazy, but at least he pays his share of the rent. just don't ask too much question about what he does after dark, alright?

featuring, yandere!roommate x gn!reader

tags, unhealthy character dynamics, obsessive behavior, mentions of murder, implied stalking, drugging

notice, posting yandere on tumblr for the first time 💔💔 i mostly post this kind of stuff on my Wattpad, but lmk if you vibe or not 👉👈

♡ Being a part-time worker and a college student was a tiring combination. Even more so when you rented out a fairly cheap apartment and even then struggle to pay the rent.

♡ So that's why you pulled up to your facebook group looking for a roommate to share the rent with. When someone replied to your post, you immediately accepted them without a thought.

♡ However, when they arrived... You realized maybe you should've done a background check beforehand.

♡ Ryunosuke Kurokawa, that was the name he gave you. And to be frank, he's the most laziest guy you've ever met. You would've regretted letting him live with you if it he hadn't been paying his share.

♡ He is a med student and studied at the same school as you, but he took online classes because 'he couldn't be bothered to walk there' (It was literally a 15-minute walk away). You barely saw him do his chores though you never entered his room before, so you weren't sure if it was even clean or not. The most effort he gave was cooking for you and taking out his laundry basket from his room for you to clean.

♡ Whenever you come home from college or after working a tiring shift at your job, you either found him lounging in the living room with a some random sitcom playing in the background or cooking up in the kitchen wearing a cringey 'kiss the cook' apron that he bought off amazon.

♡ However, he's a fairly exceptional cook— something you never expected from a guy like him —and his meals were so fancy that you weren't sure if a college student like him could even afford the ingredients! Come to think of it, he never told you what his job was....

♡ Of course, Ryunosuke couldn't just tell you that he killed people for a living! That would instantly end up with him kicked out, worse in jail, but he told you he worked at a random convenience store so his late night missions would be excused.

♡ He has killed many, ranging from politicians to shitty husbands. Sometimes murderers like him if it were requested by his cilents. He couldn't care less if he had to kill an  innocent person or not, it's what pays the bills and he gets to feed you tons of tasty food.

♡ It took him so long to track you down, always waitig for the right time to slip into your life like the parasite he is. But when you posted needing a roommate, well... not only he could integrate into your personal space, but help you with your situation too! It was a win-win in his book.

♡ However, whenever you asked questions about his life, it was getting harder and harder to lie and hide his secret nightly activities. Like, 'What are you doing out so late?', 'Why is there a weird, red stain on your shirt?', things like that.

♡ Sometimes, he'd offer you some tea and slip a sleeping pill into your drink so you'll go to a deep and heavy sleep, ensuring you won't wake up when he comes barging in through the window, his sniper rifle warm after putting a bullet through another small-time politician's head.

♡ And when he's all cleaned up and done, he'd sneak into your room and starr down at your sleeping form. So sweet and innocent, oblivious to the blood on his hands and only ever viewed him as an average guy (and maybe something even more than just a roommate).

♡ He pressed a tender kiss on your forehead, bidding you sweet dreams before heading off to his room.

♡ Just being with you was enough to make all his trouble worth it. Even if it was at the cost of his life, he'll do anything just to keep you close to him.

[lychgate]

i haven't posted a really poorly drawn thought piece adventure in years so here's a brief update!

hope i hit the read more thing right oh well anyway:

"Spent a lot of time applying for a home loan. I had to pay -fucked up- to have a convincing income for a decent loan. It was very confusing but cody helped me a lot."

"Cody proposed to me It felt wonderful that someone wanted to share their time and love with me. Cody proposed Anthrohio weekend, it's the con we really met at."

"We saw the listing that sunday morning before we had to go to our table to vend."

"It was a perfect house. We were the first people to view it and we immediately put in a bid. And we got the house. Many papers to sign."

"Moving was not easy. It took 2 whole months. Cody was out of town helping their grandma recover from a big surgery and we had to sell their old house/move that as well as move from my apartment. ALSO THE PETS: My cat dick wolf + Cody's 3 birds. Until we could get some doors installed and separate the house, I had to live between two places every day to feed and care for them."

"Still, life was good. I bought my first house! It has a swing in the backyard. I've never had my own backyard. I've never even lived somewhere that had trees (in said yard) It felt nice. Living together with the love of my life and 4 pets."

"Through all this i never closed my shop. How could I? It was my income, and I just bought a house. It needed to stay open. Moving that much inventory, setting up a new office, the house is a nice size but it's not huge, so, very careful organizing had to be executed if I wanted my apparel laid out right. (Which I totally managed to do)"

"but i Did get really good at baking pies. the two are connected."

"sacred_crow on instagram!"

"there's like 25 of u bastards i would absolutely die for, and about 75 more that i would go nearly dead over."

"We have an extra bedroom so I got to turn it into a toy room. There's games, crafts, stuffed animals, movies, a sick loft I painted the shit out of. It rules. It brings me a lot of Joy."

"Under the loft we have a dug out where we can watch VHS tapes. I love to sit with Cody and watch movies and play Donkey Kong."

"I am not good at Banjo Kazooie, but Cody is. Cody is so talented. I love watching them play games. (Depicted is not banjo kazooie but donkey kong country 2 as we are currently playing that. I'm good at DKC but I will still swear and make sounds like im about to throw up)"

"Half the basement is finished, so we turned it into a dual office space. It rules. Cody has a whole side for fursuit crafting, and my side is mostly my gigantic gamer computer area/shipping area. I took a whole wall to put all my non apparel merch like pins charms and notebooks also. for hte love of god someone buy the notebooks they take up more space then i wanted"

"I love to look over from my computer and see cody working. They always look so focused, yet peaceful."

"It's winter but it rains. I miss the snow. I lived by the lakes growing up. I miss piles of snow. It's just wet and cold here. Yes i'm quite aware of global warming"

"I got kicked off both my health and car insurance. I fixed the car one but health insurance still no. All my meds have gone away. The past few months have been hard. I think way too much lately. I can't get myself to do anything. -this is a whole page of downer bullshit and i cropped it!-"

"We had a leaky ceiling that took a month to fix. Cody did all the work because they are smart and kind."

"Oh yeah I had my uterus removed earlier this year. They let me keep it. It's in a jar in my living room."

"We threw a very nice halloween party. I was the green m&m. Cody was the monarch."

"We adopted 8 beautiful kiwis from a crane machine at the mall. we spent over 100 monies to get them but it was worth it."

"

It was a rough year. My health is in decline. Our country may try to end my life for being trans soon (lol?) I am in hte middle of a colossal mental breakdown of my core fundamental behavior (depression advanced) BUT ALSO: I am engaged to my favorite person. We bought a house together. I'm beginning a new chapter of my life. I have a swing in my backyard. The negatives suck but there are also many positives. The cycle of emotions is immense, but there is beauty in it. There is beauty in life, and isn't that wonderful?"

[skellish]

Please help a disabled (seeking disability) trans woman keep her apartment!

Hi everyone, my name is Delia, I’m a 25 year old trans woman with several disabilities, such as ADHD, possible autism, BPD, depression, anxiety, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, et cetera. I need real help in order to keep the apartment that I fought so hard to get. I am seeking disability right now, but it is going extremely slowly and I don’t know when I’ll see any help from the government. Let me explain a bit of my situation.

Medicine has never really worked for me, and I recently decided I needed to come off wellbutrin because it was making my anxiety a lot worse, as well as depleting my ability to really feel anything at all, so my doctor recommended I stop and try a new med. I can’t afford to go to the doctor very often so I stopped the medicine a month ago and am going back in September to try something different that will hopefully help.

Essentially, I live in income based apartments and lately, my disabilities have been either preventing or seriously hindering me from getting to my job. I used to work basically full time at my deli job and it became too much due to me being burnt out for like the last 5 years, so I had to cut down. I work three days a week now, and it’s already becoming too much again because of said perpetual burn out and medication withdrawal. I have either been missing work entirely or been late every single day, and they haven’t fired me yet but I fear the worst is coming soon.

Right now, my rent is $372, my water bill is already behind, power bill still needs paying, and I only have ≈$100 in my bank account right now. I am planning to yard sale both this Friday and Saturday, and next, and get some more cash before it is due, which is on the 10th of August. On the 10th, they will serve me an eviction notice to get out by the 20th unless I can get the money.

I am asking here if anyone could spare anything, any amount is immensely appreciated. I have been on my own for a few years now with little to no support, and I've always despised needing or asking for it, but the fact of the matter though is that this is my last Hail Mary to save my sinking ship, and I'm desperate.

I know most folks here are also struggling though, and I hate to make this post, but I am kind of at my wits end in regards to keeping this apartment. This has been my first somewhat stable home in pretty much my whole life and I'm terrified of being forced to move yet again. If I can just get this month’s rent paid, I will be able to find a new, more tolerable job in the meantime while I am seeking disability benefits, and then hopefully keep the ball rolling.

Any amount will help, I am honestly begging and I will appreciate anything anyone can spare, be it a donation or a share.

Update 8-12-24: so we have made some good progress here and I am thankful. Sadly some unforseen expenses had come out, so not exactly where I'd like it, but it is coming along. I've just got 8 ish days left to come up with the rest though, so. I am considering selling my Playstation, and that was unconscionable previously, so things are fairly dire.

V3nm0: @Skellish

C@sh@pp: $Skellish69

Goal: $372

Current: $110 / updated: $190, (still need $182)

[serahlink]

🚨 EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS OPEN🚨 tw // homeless / some med talk but not much

Reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

Making a new post to hopefully get some work for my family and I so we have somewhere to stay for tonight, since work has been very slow lately. I'm Link, and I'm a 22-year old artist, and my family and I (me + my father and younger sibling) have been homeless since November 2021. It's a long story. TL;DR version is at the same time, while I was living with a friend and my dad + younger sibling was on the road (he drove a van at the time) he had gotten into a diabetic coma and was fired by his job. Being fired meant he or my sibling didn't exactly have a home to go back to, as our relatives on both sides refused to help. At the same time, I was going to have to find someplace else since my friends grandmother was entering the late stages of her life and they had to transfer her to the nursery, meaning there was a lot of things his family had to take care of and I couldn't be there. They allowed my father, sibling and I to stay there for two weeks to give us time to find someplace else.

While I was there, I'd been doing commissions to help their family out with food, and since it was either the streets or living under a roof; I told my friend to take us to a nearby motel since we had enough for a day, and we could figure things out from there. So since then, I've been keeping us here by doing commissions ever since. Either of us haven't been able to obtain a job yet due to how hard it is for us to get our documents to get an id (we dont have a car at the moment, and saving money for the room and food is already tough as is), but recently we think we might be able to get my father's ID so he can work, were waiting on his lung condition to recover fully and get money saved up for the documents and all that before we apply to get them. So hope isn't fully lost for us, we just need to take care of some things for a while longer until then.

Recently, things have gotten worse again. We were paying weekly thanks to the help from my followers and commissions I was getting, but when we weren't able to pay for another, we went back to paying daily again. And immediately we were set back. For the past few days, we haven't been able to pay for one let alone food. We were able to pay most of it to at least stay here, thanks to the kindness of the staff, but they called us earlier to tell us if we couldn't pay everything tonight, then we'd have to leave. We owe 120 by 11pm tonight, and I thought maybe making a new post might help us since posting on my other socials hasn't done much for us lately.

My commissions are open, and if you're interested in helping us out via a commission you can contact me through my Tumblr dms since it's the easiest way to get to me. But if you can't help financially, which I totally understand, I know the economy is tough on all of us right now, please don't feel bad or anything. Reblogs also help us a ton, and it always means a lot to us.

For the commission info itself, I have it all packed into this link right here, along with examples of my art and prices. I draw mainly fantasy pertaining to the Dragon Age Series and although I know little to nothing about Baulders Gate, I have done some art of tavs before! I also do DnD work as well, so I'm used to drawing pretty unique characters. I'll also put some examples I have below. If you want something outside of that, I'm sure I can provide, just let me know upon your request! And I think that's all. Much love to you and thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day/night :)

[chirpthingz]

hey gang i need advice. i am kind of sitting between two colleges, which for the sake of not doxxing myself i am going to call A and B.

both colleges are good academically. they have good programs for my major, lots of research opportunities, and ill be set-up for grad school. they are both close by, and both have good honors programs. i like both of their campuses! generally, i could do well at either. fun fact: they both have the same animal as their mascot.

college A is very cheap. i essentially got free tuition and would just have to pay for housing (while not free, it is doable for my family). however, their social life kind of sucks. now i don't really care for that since i know i'll make friends, i just do appreciate a good sense of school spirit because it makes me feel, idk, apart of something? i like the dorms better at A. A is part of a system of universities that is very well respected, so there is that!

college B would put me in nearly double the amount of debt as A (like 100k+ levels of debt, and that's after scholarships). it's a much smaller school, it would be much easier to connect with others and my professors. admittedly, it does have better academics than A. unfortunately (given the tuition) the school body is generally rich kids, which i guess i can make peace with but i do actually worry about fitting in (ive never been good at making friends with that crowd). B is in the city, which is scary but i think i can get over

my parents are split between the both of them. my dad likes A; he wants me to avoid debt and he knows at the end of the day i will be successful regardless. my mom likes B; im pretty sure she just really likes the idea of having a daughter go to B (its more "prestigious") and she feels they care more about their students. i do like B more, but only slightly (as in, i feel i can find happiness and success at either, but i like B's vibe more). i felt like they cared about their students more than A. i, and everybody else i talk to, agree that A is the more realistic choice. at the end of the day, it's the same damn degree. it's just that B is so expensive, and we really can't afford it.

i am considering taking out loans for B, but my mom has refused the idea everytime i bring it up. her pride won't let her accept that because it means she perceives it as a failure on her part. idk. i do plan to go to med school, so my salary will be looking pretty nice (but my debt will only increase given the average cost of med school, and i only get the full extent of my salary after a good 3-5 years). paying off loans wont be impossible, but itll be an insane weight on me for the next 20 or so years, if i get lucky.

i know A is the obvious answer, i just cant get myself to settle on it and i dont know why. i worry about missing out, and i worry about disappointed my mom. shes kind of gotten to my head lately, so i worry that going to A would be disappointing given that it isnt as prestigious as B.

[dollsonmain]

I kind of feel bad for That Guy, actually.

He's refused to have insurance all this time because he thinks it's a scam.

I kind of agree. You pay in and pay in and either never need it and of course never get it back, or when you need it you have to fight with the insurance company to get them to pay for things, especially if you have atypical needs like common meds not working for you and needing alternatives. I've watched so many disabled friends struggle with their insurance to get their medical needs covered, and being disabled, unable to afford them otherwise.

I didn't realize that part of his proud "We're self-pay." statements stemmed from a lack of knowledge about the cost of healthcare. He's also always going on about having more money than he knows what to do with, but that's because he's neglected all of our medical needs, including his own, and is letting the house fall apart around us. I can only do so much to keep it together with a disabled body and no funds.

I pity him because it must have been quite the shock to go from thinking that of course he knew, his assumptions were right about what he knew, and then have the universe come along and show him that not only did he not know, but to do so in the one place that really hurts him, the one thing he really cares about: His wallet. Doubly painful that it was a lesson learned when paying for care for me; someone he sees as a burden already (he really doesn't like buying me food) and not as a person but as a tool.

Every time I've needed medical care and he's had to pay it out of pocket I've mentioned that One Big Thing and he'd wish we had insurance.

I'm sure it also stings to be constantly telling US in an angry voice that we HAVE to know things! We HAVE to know EVERYTHING, there is so much going on in life, we HAVE to know, and then get hit very hard with undeniable proof that he wasn't as knowledgeable about a subject as he thought he was.

That has to have been a hard lesson, especially having to see me being unsurprised by the expenses and able to talk about things like medical tourism, proving again that I knew more about something when he's convinced himself that of course he's smarter than me in all things. That's something I used to believe, too.

As deserved as it is, I feel bad for him having to go through that learning experience because it's hard and unpleasant.

-

I do not feel guilty for the medical bills nor do I feel guilty that he's paying them after 20+ years of emotional, sexual, and financial abuse, and me trying to convince him to get insurance for at least him and our son since he refuses to marry me because it would give me leverage and rights therefore his work insurance wouldn't cover me anyway, and to start a college fund for our son when he was born because I couldn't since he'd taken me away from my job (with really good insurance, by the way) after ignoring our contraceptive methods without my consent and got me pregnant knowing full well that I didn't want kids.

I'm sure my anger comes through even when I'm saying I pity him.

I am sorry that the cost is equating to the loss of a year's wages before taxes in the course of a few months and he absolutely hates his job. It's already been more than what he earned from selling his late father's house (split 50/50 with his sister on a derelict townhouse in Philadelphia, so about $42k earned but already $60k payed/pending) and I'm sorry about that, too.

However, I'm not at fault how much health care costs in the U.S. any more than I'm at fault for needing it.

[zeump]

So this is personal but

My mom is in another manic phase again. The last time it was accompanied by SEVERE paranoia and delusions, to the point where we had to hospitalize her twice and the cops were called multiple times. Despite having my own crises throughout my life, that period was the single most traumatic time from my life and the only thing that invokes something akin to PTSD. She’s been really impulsive, not paying any attention (has gotten in two property-related car accidents in the last three weeks), staying up late, getting in late to work (and just got fired today), and just general manic behavior. I haven’t even seen or heard the worst of it, she sounds generally “with-it” when she talks to me but there’s that edge in her voice. I fee bad for my dad and brother living with her, honestly.

I’m hoping this doesn’t turn into the full blown paranoid schizo-affective episode like last time… its hard to say. But its hard either way. This time I’m more worried about 1) her injuring herself or someone else, or generating property insurance claims due to her carelessness 2) her self-medicating and/or overdosing. Its happened before and after a talk with my brother last month I suspect she has been self medicating for most of my life either with painkillers, muscle relaxers, and/or anti-anxiety meds.

Anyway um… if you pray, could you ask your preferred deity to send a little help our way? I love my mom- she is at her core a deeply kind and intelligent person— but she needs help and refuses to accept that. I just want her to be happy and healthy.

[forestryfae]

my bitch mom who decided i needed a legal guardian (her, specifically) at 16 because iw as too mentally ill to take care of myself so she put me in an apartment all alone when i should have been in a mental health institution of some kind didnt teach me shit about finances and economics and money beyond how to pay my rent and bills and check my taxes myself despite that literally being her job refused to tell me how much money i actually had in my accounts just spent it all on whatever bullshit they needed to do renovation projects on my house despite only doing one project a year in late summer if they felt like it berated me because i wasnt at home doing anything to help them with the renovations after having told me to stay at inpatient and not come home because they were doing renovations

and upon learning that i was getting a new legal guardian she pulled ALL support from under my feet, refused to do any more renovations or finish anything theyd started, stating that she wasnt gonna help with anything unless she was my legal guardian because it was "way too hard to have to go to both of us to ask for money for renovations"

and didnt help at all with the sale of the house btw

is now saying "can you ask your dad to be kausjonist" kausjonist being that if i cant pay the bank money for the loan i got they can take money from her. which she agreed upon when i was allowed to buy the house while i was depressed and dissassociated

"can you ask your dad to be kausjonist" no i can not im not talking to that leech and even if i did hes too much of an irresponsible asshole to ever do that.

"we also need to sit down and look at the sale and loan, its a lot that youre paying a third of the salesprice" first of all she was there during the meeting between the bank, me and my legal guardian, and her. she was explained that the realtor did a lot of work for free. i also had people clear out my house, photos taken, listings, showings, the realtor did a fuckton of work and so did my legal guardian, and most of it was for free. i might be paying a lot but im not paying more than i should. im actually paying less than the work is worth.

secondly, she has no right and quite an offensive amount of audacity to even show up in my texts demanding this. not even asking, just demanding. she hasnt called, hasnt asked, hasnt been at all interested while i had my new guardian and she straight up said she didnt want to help me with the house anymore if shes not my legal guardian and said she wont be kausjonist unless i have a legal guardian, which is a bold fucking statement to make right to my face thanks, she has no right and i dont have to do ANYTHING she says

so now im just sitting here fucking enraged yet somehow numb to it, lowkey wanted to cry for a bit, shes financially fucking me over again and demanding control over a part of my life she cant be trusted to oversee at all based on her previous actions

like im gonna have to call my legal guardian and inform him of this shit cus he needs to know it too and he needs to know she doesnt have a right to anything that isnt relevant to her, but in the meantime i need to brush my teeth and take my meds and eat soemthing so i dont crash out while folding some laundry to calm down enough to be a person around other humans and not just a ball of rage

[chandlerlemons]

Well I don’t have a journal tonight so tumblr it is. Life is okay right now. I mean I’m depressed as fuck for some reason but it will pass. I’ll take ruby on a walk and get some much needed sunlight tomorrow. Maybe I’ll take her to Dairy Queen. She loves her some good pup cups. Might have to get something for the other three. Ruby has been a good girl lately. She’s silly crazy but good. Bishop had been a pain in the ass. Thankfully she will get fixed soon so hopefully she will shop starting fights over nothing. Jake is an old fart. Little weiner man. Grumpiest daushound I’ve ever met. Thought those little fucks were supposed to meet nice. That little shit bites! Still live him though. Mommies little diaper man. Not his fault that he’s going to be 11 this year. Tobias is doing so much better now. I can’t belive we almost lost him a few months ago. But I guess life goes on without a spleen. He’s a good boy but damn is he a handful. And expensive! I’m still paying that vet bill!

Work has been good for the most part. There hasn’t been anything terrible. But it’s becoming that time of year for lots of major traumas. I’m not looking forward to it. Ever since seeing the suicide I can’t handle it as well. That’s why I’m hoping they put me on good anxiety meds. I can’t keep having panic attacks or passing out in the ER when I’m dropping off a patient. I mean Jesus I’m almost done with my paramedic course and I can’t even stand the site of blood? I haven’t even told anyone yet! I’m a fucking EMT and work on a damn ambulance and blood makes me woozy now?

Class. Jesus fuck. I’m struggling. I feel like I know nothing. I’m not comprehending. I can’t memorize my cardiac rythems or my meds. I mean I haven’t really tired. I can’t. Sometimes I feel like my hearts not in it. I love EMS. I really do. But why the fuck didn’t I just go into working with dogs like I wanted? But whatever. Hopefully I’ll get out on ADHD meds and I’ll be able to focus

Meds. I’m worried about meds. I don’t remember the last time I was in Anything for my ADHD. I don’t want to become a different person. I don’t want Leah to love me less. What if I’m not funny anymore? What if I don’t act the same? I’m scared. I like who I am for the most part now.

Leah. She’s great. I love her more than anything. I’m struggling though. I’ve always been a physical touch kind of person. I know that’s not how she shows like. It never had been. But sometimes I just want her to hold my hand. I miss someone holding my hand…

[emberstrum]

12.14.24

I feel like bf does not try to take interest in my interests. I feel like he doesn't ask me about my work, or my art; he didn't ask me at all about the art I did for that project I got paid real money for which was kind of a big deal; he doesn't ask me about water polo, he doesn't ask me about my work outs, he doesn't ask me about the books I'm reading or the games I'm playing or DND or my interest in terrariums. And when I try to tell him about those things I feel like I might as well be talking to a plant for all of the response I'm getting; "oh interesting," "oh cool," "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh."

Meanwhile I feel like I am always trying to take interest in the things he's doing - trying to learn more about them and spend time doing them with him to be able to keep up in conversation. I've done that with medicine, I've done it with dragon age and with skyrim, I've done it with lord of the rings, I'm doing it now with volleyball. I feel like I'm trying so much more and the reason I do it is because I love him very much and I am genuinely interested in the things that make him tick and make him happy. So why does it feel like I do not have that same treatment? I'll tell you that it is a shitty feeling.

And this drills down to a deeper, more root cause issue: I feel like he does not consider me in the same way I consider him in just about everything I do. I am always thinking about him and how what I am doing might impact him. I am always looking for the places to include him. I always ask him if he needs help with things, and whether he wants something from the place I'm going to, and I make sure to think about his schedule when I'm making plans. I am always looking for ways to make his life easier. I make sure the dishes are clean because I know he has a draining schedule and also I want to make sure he has a clean mug to have coffee in the morning. But why, when he has time off, doesn't he return that energy, knowing that I'm also struggling lately? I wash his laundry and clean his room without asking. I plan and cook meals without complaint. I tiptoe around things to not add stress to his already stressful experiences. I know what gifts to get him because I pay attention to what he says, and he tells me that he doesn't know what he should get for me.

I do think that he tends to err on the side of self centered. I've known that for years now and it's not something that tends to bother me, until it does. Typically I can sympathize and make peace with it. You have to put yourself first in a career path like his; he wouldn't have made it out of med school as successfully as he did without that attitude.

I think this has been slowly, slowly, improving as of late. I can see that he at least remembers I exist, and recently he casually mentioned our future together, as partners. But sometimes it feels like I am just an accessory. A tool. A convenience. I go back and forth between feeling loved and appreciated and feeling like I am only around because it's comfortable and because there's nobody else to load the dishwasher without complaint - and it's heavily skewed because there are always dishes to be done.

[fledglingmaster]

Three weeks, three, without my full dose of SNRI.

There needs to be a better way to do this. Every year we are going to go through this all over again because insurance doesn't approve expensive medication for life. No in a year I might just magically be cured of fibromyalgia and my brain decides to work right. *sigh* I have jumped through all the hoops. I have tried every medication that is currently used for fibromyalgia. I have been on multiple antidepressants. It is well documented this is the only medication that helps my depression. Just as it is well documented that I have tried every treatment for migraines except that new thirty minute IV one that's extremely expensive and neuromodulation.

Every year insurance wants the exact same paperwork we sent over to get approved in the first place with. Shouldn't that be on file already? Isn't a doctor saying, "yes, patient responds well to this treatment and we want to continue it," enough? Why is the wait time so long for a medication that has been approved in the past? I can understand all the obstacles while trying to get initial approval. If something cheaper works insurance would rather shell out for that, I get it. But I did my part, I suffered through all those trials, my doctors have done their parts too. Why is this a year occurrence? They don't dispute any of my cheap medication. I'm not the one setting the price of my meds. I would love if the cheap stuff worked! My body is very drug resistant and as I never shut up about, it is wired wrong.

The pharmacy holds my prescription, even if I got some emergency funds out and attempted to pay myself. They won't fill it until they get the okay. They also can't spare you anything to tide you over, I understand that is a legal issue. But that's where there should be a process, one month before the coverage expires, insurance should say, "hey send us those papers." Then while it's processing you still get your next month's worth of meds and bam, you never had any interruption of medication because it's approved before you need your next refill.

I've noticed a shift in our mood lately. Bleu has been getting really down. I've lost track of how many times he's cried the past couple weeks. Today it was out of nowhere. Literally everything was fine and he fell to pieces. Very reminiscent of how we were unmedicated...I don't like that. It's not normal crying, it's full-on sink to the earth wailing and it can last for an hour or more. Worse yet, it happens multiple times a day without a prompt. Not only is it uncomfortable for everyone around, but it seems very harmful to our well-being. This isn't the letting emotions out kind of cry but ramping them up worse. Bleu has alerted me to where he is mentally, it's not great. I'm just glad Lilith is leaving him alone for now. He does not need any ideas. Thankfully I'm grounded enough that I can remind him it's that we're off our meds and this will be fixed soon. It's temporary.

Last night I got a bit dizzy but today...what boat am I on and how do I get off? I'm certain I would come off as intoxicated but what is really happening is neurologic issues and beginning stages of withdrawal. It's difficult to keep my balance, my muscles keep locking up, I'm having brain shocks, we're highly emotional, a mess. I took our normal afternoon dose as our meds should be in tomorrow and we need them. It's clear we can barely function without our medication. I truly believe if we were not put on it when we were we would not be alive currently. I know I shouldn't complain, I have known others that get their meds interrupted every few months. We're lucky it's only once a year. But that gap shouldn't happen to anyone.

[quippih]

i need to get out of florida

I've lived here for my whole life. It's always been the same hot weather and scorching sun and suffocating humidity. I don't hate it here; if I could afford an apartment far away from my family but close enough to the beach that I could go whenever I wanted and got top surgery and hormones so I didn't feel like a freak whenever I go to the beach then yeah. I'd live here for the rest of my life. I fucking love the beach.

But a little less than a year ago I was up in Kansas City, going to art school and living in the overflow housing that was just a hotel next to the school. And yeah, I wasn't doing great in my classes and I eventually was kicked out because of it, but damn did I feel free.

I even had a job, as mind numbing and exhausting as it was. In hindsight seasonal depression plus my uncle passing away really put me in a position where I wasn't fighting to stay in that school. I wasn't trying. For 90% of my life I've blamed myself for my shortcomings, so shoot me if I want to blame the snow and some cancer for not trying, instead of faulting it on my own willpower.

I miss it every day. I don't miss the student debt and the art history and critical studies classes. I mainly miss riding my electric bike around and feeling responsible when I went to get groceries with money I earned. Sure, I wasn't paying rent and I got most of my meals through the school. But I didn't have to think about whether or not I was allowed to have a treat or get myself a midnight snack. Or whether I was allowed to go to late night events or ride my bike around town at ungodly hours of the night.

Of course, I wasn't really taking care of myself that much either. I was very wishy-washy with therapy, which sucks because I found a therapist I really liked right before I left. He knew nothing about being trans, which I sometimes find is a good thing because explaining it to someone else makes me feel like I understand myself more than I probably do. I was at least taking my meds, I tried to use good coping skills or whatever. I didn't drink alcohol or shoot heroin or anything. But again, getting hit with a wave of not being able to get out of bed because it's cold outside was fucking intense. Especially after living somewhere where the only two seasons are hot and hotter.

I'm reading Nevada right now, a book about a trans woman in New York who rides her bike a lot and thinks a lot about Being Trans in a very self-aware kind of way. And I see her holding a job and living in an apartment with her girlfriend and (spoilers) having to couch surf with a friend for a bit and I think. I've already got friends in New York. I have L, a friend who does performing arts and has been up there at SVA for at least a year now. My friend D is going up there for SVA too. I went to an art high school full of fellow fags and dykes and transsexuals, of course a good chunk of them are ending up in New York.

It's hard to have that courage again, because I failed the first time. I don't know if I want to go to New York, or Kansas City, or anywhere else because I won't have anywhere to turn to if I fail again. In a school sense, I mean; if I had a degree and was just struggling to find work and couldn't afford rent then I think my parents would help me out a bit. They're not heartless or anything.

I think I'm going to get my bachelors in Graphic Design at the local college, fill my time with school so my parents think I'm working towards something, and then I'll fuck off to some other state where it snows. I'll figure out how to hold a job and pay rent and live with my boyfriend and live with my girlfriend and take hormones and save up for top surgery and Be a Person without wanting to kill myself again.

and maybe then, after a while, i'll come back home and go to the beach again.

[bilaudad]

Thanks for the tag @theonevoice! :3

Last song: Tusk by Fleetwood Mac. I kinda love everything about this song - I love its chaotic masculine energy, I love that the title is a dick reference, I love the frenzied disorganized drum solo in the middle, I love that it was recorded in a bathroom for both the vibe and acoustics 🩷

Favorite color: something in the indigo-royal blue-teal spectrum probably. I love me some deep rich dark blues and greens.

Currently watching: doing a hatecrimes md rewatch for background TV when I draw; for paying-proper-attention TV, I don’t have a current one. But I did see the first episode of Severance with my sister and brother in law back when I was still living with them, and if I ever remember to remind them that they promised to share their apple tv login with me, then I want to watch the rest!

Spicy/savory/sweet: if this question is “you can only have one for the rest of your life, which is it” then savory. If this is asking “what is your favorite for a treat” then either sweet or sweet/savory combo.

Relationship status: hella single lol. I took kind of a while to figure out I’m a lesbian, and then almost immediately after my big revelation, there was this whole global pandemic? 🙃 and then I started med school 🙃🙃 I hope I meet a nice lady when I’m an attending 🙃🙃🙃 (I’ve also joked with my sister that at this point with my hyperfixation, I may need to just date within the fandom, idk if a normal person will understand or tolerate my obsession hahaaa)

Current obsession: Good Omens of course. Also digital painting/art techniques. I’ve wanted to learn digital art for ages and the gomens brainrot finally spurred me to just go for it! It’s so fun. And idk this fandom space in particular has been wonderful for practicing trying new things and sharing with strangers and getting outside my comfort zone, and almost always having those efforts met with warmth and encouragement and matched excitement/love of the source material. 💗 Getting back into art in general has been such a needed escape from school/career stress, but I kinda haven’t found a good balance yet, so it’s part therapeutic and part dangerous distraction from my obligations… 😅

Tagging: idk I’m late to this one, the notification got buried lol - anyone who sees it and wants to participate! 🩷

Nine people i'd like to get to know better:

Tagged by: @bell-of-indecision, thank you so much for tagging me <3

Last Song: Gmfu by Odetari,6arelyhuman

Favourite colour: Dark red, violet, pink

Currently watching: Death note, ep6

Spicy/Savoury/Sweet: Spicy

Relationship status: Single

Current Obsession: Mbti types and cognitive functions.

Tagging: @somin-yin @a-cloud-for-dreams @axepen @hinsaa-paramo-dharma @basic-bitch-alkali @rhysaka @blackknight-100 @squishywizardd @reykalot

[writtenonreceipts]

a modern feysandnyx fic / Feyre and Nyx are going out together, and nyx finds herself in a situation (someone looking at her, I don't know) of making sure he has to protect his mother / I thought: It's okay mom, I protected you, like dad/feyre is divided into finds funny and cute and shocked/them coming home, feyre talking to him, and then nyx with Rhys: I protected mom, dad just like you (nyx is about 4 or 5 years old) a super light and cute story

Silly and sweet.

find my masterlist here

Momma Bear

It had been a long day.  Which was often how Feyre found herself describing life.  Long.  Tiring.  Fine. Same old, same old.  The routine she had was good for the family, good to keep everything in line and organized just the way she liked it.

Except for today.

The routine was off kilter and there was hell to pay.

Rhys was in back-to-back meetings at the marketing firm, which was normal, but after spiking a fever at daycare and not sleeping at all the night before—Nyx needed to be picked up.  And while her boss was understanding, Feyre knew she had been asking for too many favors lately.

So here she was trying to hold a sniffling Nyx in her arms while she grabbed a few groceries at the store.  Because she was a terrible mother and didn’t already have child’s Tylenol or popsicles stored up.

“I wanna go to bed,” Nyx mumbled into her neck.

“I know, baby,” Feyre said.  She was already out of breath and they were barely three feet into the store.  “Can I put you in a cart or can you walk on your own?”

“No!”  Ever so eloquent, her son latched on tighter.

Four years old and already giving her a run for her money.

“You have grown so big, baby,” Feyre explained calmly, “I need to put you in a cart, okay?  You don’t have to walk if you don’t want to.”

After a little more cajoling and sniffs and tears--Nyx was settled in the bed of the cart with favorite stuffed animal in hand.  He tucked himself in a tight ball with a pout firmly in place.  

Guilt wormed into Feyre.  She’d known they needed more meds and treats.  She’d known for weeks now but everything had been chaos and you never realize what you actually need until it’s missing.  But she should have been prepared.

As she hurried through the different aisles, Feyre went through everything else on her to-do list.  Dinner was a chicken bake, she needed to finish the dishes, laundry needed to be folded.  There was a stain on the living room carpet.  And then she needed to finish a commission for the mayor’s office and Mor’s birthday was in two weeks.  

For now, she just needed to focus on getting the good medicine and the mango-orange popsicles Nyx liked.  

As she moved down to the frozen foods, Feyre didn’t notice the other figure standing at the ice cream, just a little bit away.  Coming down to the ice cream with Nyx was usually not the smartest thing in the world, but her son really must not have been feeling well because he leaned heavily into the cart and had his eyes shut.

She found the popsicles she was looking for and set two bags in the cart.  When she woke up, her body froze almost as solid as all the frozen goods.  Because there, coming towards her, was Keir McCormick.  Keir was Mor’s cruel father and the kind of man that everyone avoided when at all possible.  But there was no escaping now.

“Well, Feyre,” Keir said.  His voice dripped with condescension as it always did. “How wonderful to see you.”

“Keir,” she greeted.  Would it be too rude to brush right past him?  Not that she really cared, but still.

“And we aren’t feeling well, are we?” Keir asked, looking down at Nyx.  

The boy blinked up at the man before narrowing his eyes and frowning.  He looked so much like Rhysand that it was almost amusing.  Nyx leaned away from Keir and rubbed his nose with the back of one hand.

“We’re just picking up a few things to help get feeling better,” Feyre replied tightly.  She inched the cart forward, but Keir braced a hand on the edge.

“Popsicles?” Keir asked. “Doesn’t seem like the best treatment.”

Not that it was any of his business.

“They always helped me,” Feyre said.  Besides, why not have a bit of comfort?  They would probably be the only thing she could get Nyx to eat for the next day with an upset stomach.

Keir made a noise in the back of his throat and fixed Feyre with a disapproving stare.  Guilt and rage and anger flooded Feyre.  She knew she shouldn’t care about what this man thought of her or said.  But she couldn’t help but think of everything she was doing wrong.  Again.  Always.  Always not doing enough.

Nyx sat up in the cart and continued to glare at Keir.  Then, rather abruptly, he rose his hands over his head and let out a loud hissing shriek.  Never had he done something like that before--sick or not—that Feyre could only stare as her son continued his yells and Keir jumped away from the cart.

Seeing the opportunity for what it was--Feyre sped walked away.

“Bye!” She called half-heartedly as she ran off. 

…

By the time they got home, Nyx had fallen asleep again.  So Feyre tucked him into the couch with a blanket and his favorite stuffies and put on a Disney movie to play in case he woke up.  

As Feyre finished getting dinner ready, she couldn’t help but think about Nyx’s strange display in the store.  He’d never acted like that before—especially not toward a stranger.  If anyone acted out with such fervor it was Rhysand.

Like father, like son, apparently.

She made sure the chicken was nearly done before she tried to finish some laundry.  While Nyx slowly woke up, Feyre brought laundry out onto the couch to sit with him and watch a movie.  It wasn’t long before Rhys returned home from work.

At the sound of the garage door opening, Nyx sat up and peeked over the top of the couch. When the door opened and Rhys entered, Nyx rolled off the couch and padded over to his dad.

Rhys scooped Nyx up in his arms and sighed.  “Hey, bud.  How are you feeling?”

Nyx murmured something and then buried his face in Rhys’ neck.

“He slept most of the afternoon,” Feyre said.  She looked up at her husband and smiled softly. “Welcome home.”

Giving her a kiss, Rhys smiled back. “Hello, darling.  How are you?”

“It’s been a long day,” she admitted. “But I have both my boy’s home now.”

“What happened?” Rhys asked, shifting as Nyx tugged on his ear urgently.

“Nothing,” Feyre insisted.  She set the laundry off to the side. “Let’s eat.  I kept everything warm.”

She passed by Rhys and Nyx, giving their son a kiss on his cheek.  Nyx still looked a bit pale and his black hair stuck out in every which way.

“Daddy,” Nyx said as they headed into the kitchen, “I did what you said.”

Rhys settled Nyx in his chair and frowned. “What are you talking about bud?”

“I protected mommy,” Nyx said, he looked up blinking his large eyes, “just like you said.”

Those words caused Feyre to pause as she brought over the casserole dish to the table.  She settled the glass down and exchanged a glance with Rhys.  She shrugged to show she was just as confused as he was.

When neither she nor Rhys spoke up, Nyx continued.

“The mean man at the store,” Nyx said, stumbling over his words. “I protected mommy.”

“Ah.” Feyre finally understood. She smiled sheepishly at Rhys. “We ran into Mor’s father at the store.  And Nyx was not amused.”

The boy shook his head emphatically.

Rhys raised a brow. “What happened?”

Before Feyre could give ample explanation, Nyx sat up straight in his seat and raise his arms high in the air.  He then repeated the loud shriek he’d used earlier.

Rhys stared and Feyre could see the corners of his twitching up.  He ran a hand over his mouth and looked at Feyre.

“You taught our son that?” Feyre asked.

“Not on purpose,” Rhys said.  He couldn’t hold back his grin any more as he began dishing up dinner for them all. “We were watching Animal Planet and there was a segment on bears and a momma bear was protecting her cubs.  And I said that’s what you do when you’re protecting someone you love.”

“I’m a momma bear!” Nyx chirped.

Feyre couldn’t help her own laugh as she leaned over and kissed Nyx on his cheek again.

“You are a very good momma bear,” she said, “thank-you.”

That seemed to content Nyx and he began to eat his chicken that Rhys cut up for him.

Feyre met her husband’s eyes. “Seriously?”

“I’m not sorry,” Rhys replied.  He kicked her lightly beneath the table and grinned cheekily. “I’ve gotta make sure you’re being taken care of.”

Rolling her eyes, Feyre picked up her own fork and began eating.  It seemed she now had two territorial boys on her hands now.

...

taglist

@aelinchocolatelover  // @sexy-dumpster-fire // @bamchickawowow // @ireallyshouldsleeprn // @courtofjurdan // @sassys-world // @sleeping-and-books // @superspiritfestival // @chieflemming // @julemmaes // @lysandra-ghost-leopard // @firestarsandseneschals // @emikadreams // @rapunzel1523 // @booksofthemoon // @highladysith // @fangirlprincess09 // @rowaelinismyotp // @vanzetanze // @jlinez // @cassianscool // @stardelia // @my-fan-side // @sjmships // @tillyrubes10 // @acourtofsjmtrash // @hellasblessed // @rhysandswhore  //  @story-scribbler  // @post-it-notes33 // @live-the-fangirl-life // @strangevil321 // @whythefuckdoiexist // @pastasiren // @beanco8 // @lemonade-coolattas @foreverfallingforthestars // @themoonthestarsthesuriel// @feysand-loml // @scribbled-semantics // @realbookloverproblems // @ghostlyrose2 // @swankii-art-teacher // @foughtconquered // @bri-loves-sunflowers // @captain-swan-is-endgame // @tanvee1231 // @mystic-bibliophile // @cretaceous-therapod // @thenightgodess-feyrearcheron //  @thisloveseternal // @gracie-rosee // @magnifique1807 // @liars-lmao

[user9715467]

Help!

A/N: here’s an overly specific SATELLITE blurb about a situation I’m currently dealing with. Except, despite my best efforts, I don’t currently live with Harry Styles, so my thing in real life has a slightly different ending. Mostly writing this for myself, not gonna lie, lol. But I hope it can bring someone some comfort too.

summary: Alice can’t get her antidepressants and shit happens. This is the unglamorous, unromantic side of mental illness. warnings: mentions of mental illness, prescription meds, Harry being a supportive partner. —

I pushed my bangs off my forehead, dotting moisturizer onto the outlines of my face and rubbing it in. I could hear the faint sound of Harry’s singing, downstairs, in the kitchen. He’d clearly made it to The Beatles playlist, which means he’s making breakfast.

I need somebody (Help!)

not just anybody (Help!)

you know I need someone

heeelppp!

I closed my eyes, smiling, as I listened to him belt out alongside John Lennon on the speakers. He’d been on a Beatles kick lately. He and Mitch were rediscovering the Lennon-McCartney hits, but they got all flustered and weird whenever I said that their partnership was kind of similar, minus the years of toxic rivalry. this new found obsession gave me comfort, thought. It’d become something of a routine for Harry to listen to the same songs every morning. I loved hearing him sing along as I got ready for the day and tracking his activity by the song that he had reached.

I opened the medicine cabinet and reached for my morning meds. The bottle felt light, I was running low, so I made a mental note to call my psychiatrist later today. ———

Help me if you can, I’m feeling dowwwnnn

and I do appreciate you being ‘rounnndd

In the kitchen, Harry hummed to himself, flipping the omelette in the pan, and gyrating his hips the way he usually did onstage. He was still in his sweaty running clothes, but boy did he look good.

I stood in the doorway, watching him, and wondering how I got so lucky. He was perfect. Harry turned around, getting startled when he saw me, but not for long. The surprise immediately gave way to mischief. He smiled, raising an eyebrow and dancing his way towards me. With his body facing mine, he reached a hand behind him, turning the stove off, and then wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close. “Dance with me.” He demanded.

“W-what?” I laughed, kissing his lips. “You stink” “C’mon, Matilda, dance with me.”

Won’t you please, please help meee?!

—

I wasn’t the kind of person to congratulate herself very often, mostly because I always found faults within even my biggest accomplishments, but I must admit, I was proud of myself this time. for managing to remember the refill I needed, getting over my anxiety long enough to schedule the follow up without any external help, and even making sure it would get refilled while I still had a few pills in my older bottle. In all my years of being on antidepressants, this had never happened. I usually put off making the calls because of how anxious they all made me, waited until the last possible moment, when I was one pill away from running out, and then having to pay a whole lot of extra money for some temporary pills to tide me over. But, it appeared Harry’s encouragement and support were starting to rub off on me. For once, I had my shit together. Or so I thought. "I’m sorry what?! What do you mean you have no record of the prescription? No, it’s fine. I’ll call my doctor. Thank you.”

just my luck. I felt heart racing in my chest. My breath quickened, my hands felt clammy. I can’t do this…

—

“honey, I’m homeeee!” Harry’s voice announced in the distance. As always, he was back from his morning run and would probably want to make breakfast soon. I ran back upstairs and jumped into bed quickly, shutting my eyes and pretending to be asleep. Moments later, Harry walked in. “oh, she’s asleep.” He whispered to himself. He made his way over to my side of the bed, pulling the blankets over me and tucking me in. The scent of his sweaty workout hung in the air as he leaned over and gave my forehead a quick kiss. I’m a horrible person for lying to him…

—

“Babe? Hand me the salt please?” My hands shook as I reached into the spice cabinet and grabbed the salt container. I waited a moment for it to steady before turning towards Harry, but it was too late. He’d noticed. “What was that?” damn him and his attention to detail. “what was what?” Maybe if I pretended not to know what he’s talking about…

“Your hands are shaking. Look! Do you seriously not feel that?” The salt container slipped out of my hand and went crashing into the ground.

“fuck!” I jumped as the shards of glass hit my leg. “you alright?”

“yes, god! I’ll clean it up okay? Let it go already!”

Harry frowned, staring at me, no doubt confused by my overreaction.

I rushed to the broom and began to busy myself with cleanup, trying my best not to focus on the fact that Harry was still fixated on me.

“what’s the matter, Alice? Talk to me.”

shit. Now he wanted to talk.

when I said nothing, Harry walked over to me and grabbed the broom, prying it out of my hands and setting it aside. “Look at me. Why won’t you look at me? Alice! What’s going on with you?”

“nothing.” I whispered, barely loud enough for Harry to hear. “it’s clearly not nothing, baby.” His hand cupped my face, gently tilting it so my eyes would meet his. “Is - is this about the other night? Cuz, if it is…you know, I don’t care about that…it’s no big deal!”

“the other night?” It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about. “Oh, god, no! Harry, no!” I pushed his hand off my face, turning away from him, and tiptoeing around the glass remains of the salt container to find a seat at the dining table. “so, you couldn’t cum. Big fuckin deal. Happens to the best of us! It’s no reason to be embarrassed, really.”

“Oh my god, shut up, Harry, will you” as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized how rude I was being. “Sorry.”

Harry followed me, taking a seat next to me. He had clearly run out of things to say, so he stared at me expectantly, awaiting some kind of explanation.

“I, uh, look,” I cleared my throat. “Headaches, anxiety, dizziness, nausea, uncontrollable shaking, flu-like symptoms including chills and body aches, irritability, difficulty getting and maintaining arousal….” I was out of breath and positively blushing. So, I paused, looking away from Harry’s intense gaze. His brows furrowed, shaking his head in confusion.

“these are all symptoms of withdrawal.” I said matter-of-factly.

“sorry, withdrawal?”

“from my antidepressants.”

“you- you haven’t been taking your meds?” His expression had now changed from confusion to concern.

“I haven’t been able to!” The frustration that I’d been refusing to confront for days now bubbled to the surface. I exhaled loudly, tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

“Why, why not?”

“I’ve run out….and, I don’t know. I called my doctor. She said she sent the prescription over to the pharmacy, but-“ I was full on sobbing now. harry, to his credit, jumped right into action, pulling me out of my chair and onto his lap, rubbing my back. I let myself cry for a second before catching my breath and speaking again “every time I call the pharmacy they say I need to tell her to do it again. And, I- I tried. Her secretary doesn’t- she doesn’t-“

“breathe, baby, breathe.” Harry squeezed my shoulders gently.

“I keep trying to explain to her, but she doesn’t get it. And I’m so bad at this confrontation thing…I get so anxious and….”

I buried my face into Harry chest, sobbing like a child. He sat there, completely still except for the hand that continued to rub my back soothingly.

“honey, why didn’t you say anything?” He finally asked when my cries had died down.

“it’s embarrassing, Harry! It’s, like, so dumb. I should be able to do this one thing by myself. I didn’t know how to tell you that I’d failed to obtain a simple fucking refill.”

“‘S not dumb-“

“oh but it is!! Why would you wanna be with someone who can’t sort out her own problems and cries all over your clothes at the most minor of inconveniences. How exhausting is that?!”

“Baby, this isn’t minor.” The hand that had been rubbing my back suddenly stopped. He used to to pull me away so he could look into my eyes as he spoke. “Alice, you need this medicine to function. How are you supposed to sort it out on your own if literally you can’t function? Hmm? This isn’t like your vitamins or whatever. Miss a day and it’s no big deal…this is like the biggest deal!”

hearing him explain it made everything sound logical, in my head, though, I felt like a helpless idiot who could get dumped for mentioning it out loud. “does that make sense? Plus, it’s what I’m here for. You can tell me these things, baby. I can help. I can call on your behalf and sort it out.”

I nodded, wiping the stray tears in my eyes with the back of my arm. “Guess I just don’t know how to ask for help, sometimes.”

“It’s simple, really, you can just say ‘help! I need somebody…help! Not just any body’” I rolled my eyes, shoving my elbow into his chest.

Harry laughed, continuing to sing. “Help! I need someone. heeeelp!”

“alright, John Lennon. I get it. So, could you please help me?” “it would be my pleasure.”