#i need to make an atlatl for real this time i think it will fix me for at least a week

[fishdetective]

interesting thing that i have discovered after moving from job where i am constantly traveling and have no idea where i am going to be next week or six months from now to a stable job where i have an apartment and "normal" schedule is that my general life existential problems seem much more intimidating and intractable. i've had pretty much the same anxieties about the future the entire time, but they feel much easier to dismiss when i'm living out of a duffel bag and taking things one day at a time because that's the only option vs when i have an apartment full of possessions and i have to plan for the future and actually make decisions for myself. before, when it was normal for me to get a phone call at 8 am telling me i needed to get on a plane or a boat in two hours, it felt almost comfortingly like any decisions about the future were out of my hands, and i could just work when i had to and chill the rest of the time. now i'm like, oh. i'm going to have to wake up and continue to do things the way i do them now every day for the rest of my life unless i actually explicitly make a decision to change something about my life, which is something i have pretty much never done without outside influence