#i need to learn on how to frame my sentences & stick to one topic lol

[biaswreckeedbybts]

I need BTS to do more shows like tiny desk concert, armypedia, BTS week on James Cordon show & if they rent big venues then the camera work needs to be BEST. Like when they performed idol in that palace on Jimmy then the camera work was damn good, it didn't feel too empty. Even when they performed mikrocosmos, it felt so homely & more personal. With the absence of audience & now a member recovering from surgery- the camera work & stage set ups need to be well planned & executed.

Despite what others say, BTS has that power to portray exactly what they want us to feel,they speak with their music the most. So I do feel the success they have right now is well deserved. Idk if they deserve the money cuz their pay hasn't been disclosed & I do feel they get less than what they earn(only yg artists get 75% of their earned money)

But Recently BTS haven't been showing the best of their abilities. It's definitely the pandemic that's affecting their 'spark', along with bh doing the easy work. But how can BTS even know what they are doing is right or wrong when armys consume anything that's being thrown at them?the idea of opinion or disagreeing with the majority is considered to be a 'hateful' comment. This is the problem with every fandom (especially kpop), the line between giving artistic freedom to your favs & consuming anything that's thrown at you is blurry. When songs like dynamite,DNA & bwl breaks so many records & have ton shit of achievements then any artists would think that THIS is what their consumers want. So they'll make more music like this.The companies who only cares bout profit would push their artists to make such kind of music too. Also, The line between being authentic- staying true to your art & giving what your consumers want often becomes blurred & you stray away.

Both 3 songs I mentioned above are great but are they that great to receive so much attention? Or do they deserve to be the highlight of BTS's discography? No.

BE was a great album to show that BTS sticks to their roots & show their true selves + they gave us what we asked for. They change & Evolve with time & experiment time & again but the lack of promotions by BH & Columbia (their distributor in America), lack of radio spins & playlistings for LGO (which would've helped with charts & digital streams)- Western industry's xenophobia is showing & the impersonal performances of BE tracks- which is just LGO at the moment makes BE come across as a very underwhelming & something that even BTS doesn't appreciate- when it's far away from that. If BTS just starts performing BE tracks more in different shows (rather than perform dynamite) then also it could be considered a good enough promotion.

The album is a grower & has great tracks but I don't like how it's being showcased. It needs all kinds of promotions NOW (there's no point in promoting it in future when the whole world is over it). Even Armys aren't appreciating it much (well they would if they stop focusing on dragging everyone 24/7).

Trust me BE is gonna be considered their most underrated album in future, just like how mots7 & black swan was unappreciated when it was released (the 'unique' promos were also semi flop) & is now considered to be underrated. BE would be appreciated in future but by that time it would've run its course. Less quantitative achievements would be accomplished, it wouldn't be their most talked album (like how badly I wish it would).

+ No matter how much we talk bout racism running in the veins of Western industry plants- it won't change anything. They'll give radio spins & playlistings to English tracks, focus on those artists who are officially signed to a US record label or gets payed to play non English singers' songs. Or simply use the current famous singers for views & engagements. It's all politics,power & money- not just in west but also in K media & award shows. There's only so much a person can change & fight but when the whole system is based on politics & racism & people directly or indirectly support it then what can you do? People only talk when they are on the receiving end of unfairness/hate but keep quiet when others face the same thing.Nicki for years had tried to fight the stereotypes forced on black women- especially black female rappers & how much shit & racism they face yet she was ridiculed & not supported by alot of people. The industry has almost blacklisted her & she was considered a joke. That's why barbz are merciless- they'll readily cut open anyone.(not that I blame them)

[2slowgoers]

10.31.2019 - a not so spooky update

Hey W,

Long time no talk ;) (lol, JK of course!). I’m glad I get to see you soon. Never been in NYC with you before, I’m glad we get to spend a bit of it together, and explore together again. We don’t get a lot of chances to do that these days. On the topic of Halloween... you dressed up a ton this week! They were creative and solid costumes. IF you became a mom, I think you would have excellent + creative halloween costumes for the family. I never felt the presence fo Halloween as much as I did this year, maybe because I work for a bigger company, and I have established my social media spaces and am familiar with the people I follow, I quite admire the arts and craft that can go into costumes. Okay, that aside -

We did text a bit after your last post, and I feel like we touched on the important parts I wanted to ask about. TBH I just hope this to be a space we can vent and let it all out, no pressure to follow up or give each other advice. But rather a space just to listen to each other, I appreciate that. All I can say from reading a bit about your doubts around yourself and your long term relationship, I am just here by your side, waiting to see how things will or will not change in the next couple of years. This is that time of age where things will grow and change a lot! I called briefly with my friend J (in FL) and they are going through a bit of quarter life crisis, and a lot of the call was me reassuring them that it’s okay and that it’s okay to choose what it is that your heart wants. Like you said about your mom, we have all spent too much of our life following what others expect us to do, or shaping other people’s wants into our own. Since we’re still growing up and maturing, what we even “wanted” in high school and college, may not be what grown up and mature versions of ourselves want. I think this IS the time of our life we start learning to listen to ourselves, our inner voice that is maturing and growing up, and truly understanding what it is that we want. So I say, trust your gut. You know what you need, and you’ll know it when the time comes.

One quick thing before I dive into the topic of today - I have to say work is going better now that I have gone on vacation, and have had the time to get to know the new hires (people joined post-June). Most of them are around my age and we all get along really well. KBBQ last night was quite fun, and for once I found myself being able to be myself, and exhibit my sense of humor (something that not a lot of people get), and the people around me laughed and appreciated me for being who I am. That felt really nice. It’s a feeling I have dearly missed from not being around people who know me well. I liked being able to goof around (because that’s really who I am! It just takes a long time to show that side), and seeing other people goof off. I can say that even if I don’t want to be in tech and the industry can be draining, being around good people is so important, and especially with a lot of them in the same age range and many who are recent transplants, has created a team that is larger than just Berkeley grads lol. 

Topic I wanted to discuss today... When I was texting you earlier about my rooming situation and saying my ultimate fear is to be kicked out. Then I realized I have all these, you could say irrational fears, that I will 1) get fired 2) get kicked out 3) lose my job 4) lose all my savings/money 5) my friends hate me and will abandon me and just in general imagine the worst that could happen. I catch myself more often when I think these things and increasingly acknowledge it’s an irrational fear. I guess I wonder where all of this comes from - the fact that I get very “omg end of the world” and catastrophize easily. It’s definitely improved over the years, but I think it’s also from growing up with my mom. I see these traits in myself and in my brother too. We always imagine the worst, get anxious about it, then let the world know our anxious thoughts, and it spirals. I need to remind myself that no I am not going to be kicked out and no I am not going to be fired, my coworkers and team like me a lot and I do my job. I’m better at it now, so that’s cool.

This train of thought led me to something else though... you mentioned that I can take this opportunity to grow THICK SKIN. and you’re SO right. I have caught myself taking things too personally and being too sensitive to a lot of things, that are out of my control and have nothing to do with me. Like if a friend doesn’t reply fast, or they reply with a period at the end of the sentence, to what coworkers do or don’t do - I let it get to me, and when people joke, I respond seriously. Because I’m just so used to taking things seriously on the surface, even though deep down i love to joke, goof off, and not take things seriously.

For example, last night we were playing this game called “image game” where someone says image game and “who’s most likely to...” and then they count down and everyone in the group must point to the person they think are most likely to... and i don’t know exactly when but someone has to drink. Well, G (girl I sit next to work who I like a lot!) said “who’s most likely to quit their job and travel the world” - the people who know my plans pointed at me, but otherwise, the rest of the table was pointing at everyone else. Including G, who is someone i feel closer to now, pointed to someone else. G pointed to this other girl, and said “you because you moved to the bay area for absolutely no reason but just to come here”. deep down, i was like “but that’s me too! that’s me!” And for some reason, I took this whole thing so personally, and I was mildly bothered and thinking about it for the rest of the night. Why did not everyone point at me? How can this dream of mine that I’ve been thinking about since I was 20 years old, not be obvious? How can the world not know?! I do everything I do to follow this dream WHY DONT PEOPLE KNOW! <-- the question and capitalization is for dramatic effect, I wasn’t actually freaking out. But obviously I was thinking, like duh people won’t know what my dreams are because i NEVER talk about it. And duh, people probably think i’m super responsible and love my job because of the way i act at work and expect i am there to stay. SO, these thoughts just continued to stick around til this morning.

I decided to ask G to go to a room and talk personally because I wanted to follow up on this question. I provided context and asked her my main curiousity is “how do you perceive me?” “this is my lifelong dream and i am just curious how i come off as, that it wasn’t assumed to me” - she’s very nice and open and told me how she thought i was responsible, loved this job, and was here to stay. she just saw me as this super responsible type and not the kind to just leave like that. I also framed it in a way to be like “Ah yeah I want to blend in, I don’t want people to think I am on my way out” and she agrees that i am doing that fine, and she never expected that. Anyways... the GOOD part of this conversation was.. I told her “I’m literally here just to make money, pay off loans and save”. Then I asked ���do you have any dreams you’d like to achieve?” And she was like “well I never told anyone at work this...” and then I quickly learned that she is here for the same reason I am, with a different goal in mind. she wants to go to nursing school - and she is here to save $ to pay off loans and save up to go. Even her bf, who is a dev, is also working a job and negotiated to anticipate to pay for her schooling. Then we were able to bond about how we both don’t want to be in tech in the long term, and how we don’t want to be in this job for the long term either, and we both kinda have to hold it in and cannot talk about what it is that we truly want to do. we could relate about our interview experiences and not being able to answer honestly the question to “where do you see yourself in 5 years”. And wow, that was a really nice conversation to have. To know that i am not alone in wanting to do something so badly, and to have to do something else in the interim, and we are desk neighbors! It’s funny actually, she’s by far been the best performing new hire IMO and i see a lot of similarities in myself and her. we do our jobs super well, and yet this is not where we want to be.

So that again, brings me to appreciate people who do work in the corporate world, at whatever point they need to for however long they need to. people are so much deeper than their work self. I especially appreciate the non-workaholics/people who don’t work all the time, because I see the life and dreams they get to live outside of work, and that’s just like a wholesome realization lol.

Alrighty, that’s me for today - see you soon!