#i need to know all the emotional undercurrents happening before i can approach the sex both in terms of mechanics and interiority

[voxofthevoid]

Hello! First, let me just — hold your hands. See, you don't need to sit on them to not ramble. I'll always welcome authors' ramblings, in fact, I crave them like a man possessed, starved. So, please don't be cruel and deny a poor soul your ramblings. With that said...

I feel as if you opened a door inside my brain when you said Gojou is holding his own leash in "every version of the story". From the snippets you've posted about the story before, I feel as if Gojou wants Yuuji to hold it, and he's desperate for that sunshine boy to do it. Sure, he's canonically very dominant, very imposing, very against people telling him what to do, but even still... Well, I think he craves just giving up some control, especially to someone he knows won't "misuse" it, even though I think he wouldn't mind if, say, Yuuji did it. An ex. of that was when he was younger and Getou was practically his moral compass.

It's sort of ironic in "every version of the story" because Gojou needs to practically tire Yuuji out by any means necessary (cough sex, isolation, questionable life experiences, etc. cough) just so he can shove said leash on Yuuji's hands so they can become "equals". After all, to have some degree of influence on the strongest is power in itself, even if the other person doesn't realise it yet. It also makes for such a compelling dynamic, which he only got glimpses of in canon.

I guess I'm the one rambling now, huh? Anyways, I just want to congratulate you on your characterization of Gojou. It's exactly on point — a delicious sort of pathetic, obsessive, sadomasochistic and unhinged —, and one of my favourites across all the Goyuu verse.

Hope you have a good weekend. <3

Ah, if you're holding my hands, then I suppose I have no choice but to type away.

Ah well!

First things first, anon, you should know that I read "From the snippets you've posted about the story before, I feel as if Gojou wants Yuuji to hold it" and went You—You Get It.

The Gojou/leash thing (in the sense of how he's the only one holding it as well as how he might want someone else to) is something that now informs my approach to him in general, though the specifics vary depending on whether I'm writing teen!Gojou, post-Toji!Gojou, or adult!Gojou. And while Gojou's strength in terms of his self-control was something I was interested in from the start, every version of the story fundamentally altered my take on the whole thing.

Characterization breakthrough: Horror edition.

(Okay, everything I've written after it has been pretty tame on the Gojou end, but you should see some of my unwritten ideas...)

Back to the point, you're right! Gojou wanting very badly for someone—someone he has the luxury of trusting with himself—to hold that leash is a pervasive undercurrent in every version of the story. He wants an equal, and Yuuji's one of the people he identified as having the potential to be one; these are canon. And I've already rambled a lot about how one of the most appealing parts of Gojou's and Yuuji's dynamics is how they humanize each other from the beginning to the end. Combine the power aspects from the former with the emotional attachment engendered by the latter, and you get a scenario rich with potential for some wildly shifting power dynamics.

You've already seen glimpses of it in the WIP Wednesday snippets, and the full fic has a lot more it. A good percentage of the storytelling happens during and through the sex, and it's a zigzagging road overall. Where we start is starkly different from where it ends, and the path there isn't kind or pretty, but I hope to god that it's interesting.

Also, I can't tell you how delighted I am by you liking Gojou's characterization in that fic, especially because "pathetic, obsessive, sadomasochistic and unhinged" encapsulate everything I was aiming for. Thank you so much 💗

And feel free to ramble in my inbox anytime; your thoughts are *chef's kiss*

Have a good day!

[raine-kai]

Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon​ and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

[glenngaylord]

OUTFEST 2020 FILM REVIEWS:  The Rest Of The Fest

As the curtain closes on another Outfest, this one presented under extremely unusual circumstances, I sit in awe of the filmmakers and of the staff who put together not only a great group of films, but managed to creatively bring them to its audience online and at drive-in screenings.  Typically, you find yourself having to choose one film over several others, but with this new format, you have a great chance of seeing everything you want.  In past years, I found myself lucky if I saw 15 films.  This year I saw 23 features and 4 shorts programs out of the 160 on the schedule.  

As it’s impossible to get full reviews submitted for everything while the festival is still chugging along, I wanted to write capsules of the remaining films not covered at TheQueerReview.com .  Please visit the website for all the other reviews I wrote as well as those by my colleagues.

THE OBITUARY OF TUNDE JOHNSON ★★★★★

Melding a Groundhog Day-style concept with police violence against black people, this stunning film could not be more prescient and emotionally overpowering.  A black gay teenager relives his moment of murder over and over again, with slight shifts in the narrative taking us to someplace unexpected and earned.  Director Ali LeRoi directs his first feature as if he’s been doing it all of his life and has interpreted Stanley Kalu’s ingenious script with a great cinematic approach.  Gorgeously framed, beautifully acted, written, and directed, this is one of the most powerful films of 2020.

TWO EYES ★★★★★

I can’t form sentences here so I’m gonna vomit out words:  Instant classic. Glorious. Set over three centuries seamlessly melding a triptych of stories about gender identity.  I’m a blubbering mess.  Fantastic and very funny last line.  Travis Fine is a very gifted filmmaker who screams love child of Terrence Malick and Kelly Reichardt.  Heartbreaking. Inspiring. Unforgettable.  Montana is so beautiful.  Barstow is not.  A perfect film for anyone who wants to find their place in the world. I wouldn’t complain if TUNDE and TWO EYES both received Best Picture Oscar nominations.  

DRAMARAMA  ★★★★

Theater nerds rule in this incredibly endearing, early 90s set film about a group of high schoolers discovering themselves in one night at a ridiculous Murder Mystery-themed party.  Hilarious script, vivid and wonderful performances, and the opposite of a “Coming Out” movie in the best possible way.  Jonathan Wysocki has given us The Breakfast Club for air-kissing, mid-Atlantic accented freaks and geeks. 

CICADA ★★★★

What happens when a traumatized, bisexual man who has more sex partners than any standard montage can contain slows things down to concentrate on one kind but also traumatized young man?  This elliptically told film has a fun, flirty side but carries its heaviness with great ease.  A terrific feature debut for director/writer/editor/lead actor Matthew Fifer. 

THE STRONG ONES (LOS FUERTES) ★★★★

From Chile comes this sexy, moving story of two men at cross purposes who form a beautiful bond.  Set against some stunning scenery and mining the chemistry between its two leads for everything it has, I am half-jokingly calling it Brokeback Andes.  It’s so much more than that trite, hackneyed comparison.  

MONSOON ★★★1/2

Director Hong Khaou’s followup to Lilting sets its sights on modern day Vietnam as Henry Golding’s character visits to find a suitable place to distribute his mother’s ashes.  It’s a terrific mediation on a gay man finding a sense of belonging in a place he’s never been and Golding proves himself to be a subtle, compelling actor.  Perhaps a little too quiet and reflective, the film makes up for what it lacks in narrative drive with its awe-inspiring cinematography and immersive qualities.  

P.S. BURN THIS LETTER PLEASE ★★★★1/2

What an unexpected surprise.  Michael Seligman and Jennifer  Tiexiera’s documentary about a treasure trove of letters dating back to the 1950s brings us into the world of drag queens from almost 70 years ago.  With many of its subjects not only alive but in fine form telling their stories and the dishiest voiceover readings ever to grace a film, I was not only thoroughly entertained, but I didn’t expect to weep like Laura Dern at the end.  Oh, this is so so so so good. 

MINYAN ★★★★

Eric Steel’s feature debut has its own unique tone and a star making performance by Samuel H. Levine, a spitting image of a young Al Pacino/Sylvester Stallone hybrid.  With its 1980s Jewish Brighton Beach backdrop, this powerful yet subtle film about a young man coming to terms with his sexuality as well as his place within his religion, it’s a stunning debut.  Ron Rifkin is stellar as Levine’s charming grandfather and Alex Hurt (William Hurt’s son) has his father’s intensity.  Fantastic, lived-in production design which feels like its decade without resorting to the usual candy colored tropes and a evocative score makes this a memorable experience.  Reminiscent at times of On The Waterfront, this film puts a fresh new spin on a coming of age tale and finds so many moving moments from first sex to an elderly gay couple hiding in plain sight.  A must-see. 

SHIVA BABY ★★★★

Writer/Director Emma Seligman must have studied Rosemary’s Baby quite a bit with this angsty story set mostly at a memorial service.  Rachel Sennott is fantastic as a young lesbian who moves from one cringe-worthy moment to the next in an attempt to avoid as much conflict as possible.  The great supporting cast includes Polly Draper, Fred Melamed, Dianna Agron, Molly Gordon, and Jackie Hoffman, all note perfect.  Less a comedy and more of an emotional horror story, Seligman knows how to make the best of a cramped space and throw up an endless variety of obstacles.  You just want Sennott’s Danielle to get her goddamned bagel with lox and cream cheese, but the fates have something else, something better, in store. 

COWBOYS ★★★★

Steve Zahn gives a career best performance in this moving story of a father with mental health issues and his trans son escaping into the Montana wilderness.  Sasha Knight makes an impressive debut as Zahn’s son and Jillian Bell expertly walks that fine line between villain and empathetic character.  Its comparisons to Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid are not coincidental.  Not perfect by any stretch, it may feel fairly conventional, but it’s tackling a vibrant subject matter.  Extra points for giving Ann Dowd a role where we don’t hiss at her. 

BREAKING FAST ★★★

Solid romcom with a Muslim backdrop, this very tight, deceptively simple script provides just the right amount of sparks between its charming leads, Haaz Sleiman and Michael Cassidy.  While structurally not breaking new ground, the entry point into a world we don’t see enough of on screen coupled with food porn for days makes this a fun, funny, goes down easy delight.

ASK ANY BUDDY ★★★1/2

Q: Daddy!  Daddy!  What were the 70s like down at the Piers in NYC?   A: Oh shut up and watch this movie.  

An experimental collage of vintage gay porn and archival footage from the disco, pre-AIDS heyday gives this film a mesmerizing, museum installation quality.  While technically without a story, you feel like you’ve gone on a journey nonetheless.  Would pair well with William Friedkin’s Cruising. 

DRY WIND ★★★1/2

Slow cinema meets voyeuristic gay porn in this one of a kind Brazilian exploration an arid small town, a workers’ union crisis, and a man obsessed with the Tom Of Finland drawing come to life who motors into his life.  Overlong and a little too obtuse as it goes along, it’s worth watching this Alice In Wonderland takes a quaalude, gets a very hairy back, and has a lot of sex in the dirt. 

NO HARD FEELINGS ★★★★

This year’s Teddy Award Winner at the Berlin Film Festival, Faraz Shariat’s film uses its backdrop of a refugee camp in Germany to tell the story of Iranians and Irani-Germans searching for a better life.  Its three leads bring a spark and youthful energy to a story with devastating undercurrents.  A wrenching glimpse into the emotional effects an oppressive culture has on its people, yet told with a driving pulse. 

LILY TOMLIN: THE FILM BEHIND THE SHOW ★★★

A look behind the scenes as Lily Tomlin and wife Jane Wagner workshop their legendary 1980s Broadway show, The Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life In The Universe.  It’s great to see these two at the top of their game and get a glimpse of their creative process, but this documentary is almost devoid of incident and feels more like a sweet gift to the fans than a fully realized film. 

SHORTS: WHAT A BOY NEEDS ★★★1/2

A mixed bag here of people searching for excitement, I found a couple of gems here nonetheless.  Not to take away from the shorts I don’t mention, I want to single out two exceptional films. Ruben Navarro’s Of Hearts And Castles looks great, has a beautiful vibe, and shows us a lovely connection forming right before our eyes.  Kiko’s Saints proves highly original as we follow a female Japanese artist on assignment in France become obsessed with a gay couple who have a lot of sex on the beach.  Combining animation with fairly explicit sex, I loved seeing the male gaze from a female perspective. 

THE CAPOTE TAPES ★★1/2

I love Truman Capote. I grew up at a time when smart authors found themselves on talk shows and were treated like superstars.  I’ve read his books and always have been in awe of his ability to be himself.  Featuring never-before-heard tapes of Capote’s friends being interviewed by George Plimpton, unfortunately, I don’t think this repetitive documentary gave me anything all that new.  It’s still touching at times and for the uninitiated, this is a great overview of his life, but I was watching the clock. 

OUT LOUD ★★★1/2

A moving look at the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles as they prepare for their first public performance.  With its ticking clock storyline, director Gail Willumsen expertly interweaves storylines of its founder and members.  As such, you really learn what’s a stake and what it means to them.  I was lucky enough to see the chorus perform David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust a few years ago and basked in the power of its mere existence…and was also ridiculously entertained. 

TWILIGHT’S KISS (SUK SUK)  ★★★1/2

This quiet charmer form Hong Kong shows us something we almost never get to see on film - two elderly gay men meeting and falling in love.  The fact that both have been married to women doesn’t stop them from exploring their feelings.  A little to gentle by half, I still was in awe of this rarity.

[justjessame]

Silence Chapter 3

While I seemingly crossed paths with Negan more and more, the scarier moments came when I could see him, but he had no idea that I was nearby. Watching him turn the same charm on that he seemed to ooze onto the leader of the animalistic group made my stomach churn and bile threaten to force its way free.

If he used this tactic on her for some shady purpose, then what purpose was he using it on me?

During downtime, which I had an ample surplus of, I had to decide whether reflection of the past was warranted or wasting time on a future that seemed less and less possible was a better use of the time.

Memories? My dad-single or widower, depending upon which relative or narrative was easiest to swallow at the moment, a therapist who was more in touch with his patients’ issues than his own. Remember the old saying, “a shoemaker’s children always go barefoot”? My father took it to heart and made damn sure that I would be fine, he just wasn’t as careful with his own mental health.

His death, coming a full year before the rest of the world went to shit, was something of a gift. If I’d had to- no best not to even THINK it- OK memories were a NO.

A future daydream then-alright.

Let me think about it. First, we’d need a cure. A cure for anyone bitten by one of the infected or dying with the infection inside them. We need a humane way to end those who would rise if they do die, something that would allow us to keep our humanity in check. And let’s figure out how to keep one another from going full on feral.

So we have: Cure for bitten and dying? Check.

Humane end for the risen? Check.

Feral humans put back to sorts? Check.

That just leaves-

“Elara-” Damn it. He’d NEARLY gotten the drop on me. Almost. I’d heard the snap of a twig on his approach. The slight scent of that gruesome mask, hell even the undercurrent of his musk. “You look like you’re pretty fucking focused on something.”

I shook my head and stretched. Refocusing on him. He looked- Like he needed a distraction too.

“What’s wrong?” He barely breathed, but I could make out the gentle rise of his chest. A small sigh. “Pull up a patch of dirt.”

He sat, across from me, his long legs framing mine. “You said you aren’t a joiner.” I nodded. “Ever?”

“Clubs in school, I guess.” I settled more comfortably against my tree. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve been a-” he shook his head like he was trying to convince himself. “Leader, a prisoner, a follower-”

“Any of them fit?” His eyes met mine and he smirked. “Ever try just being yourself?”

Huffing out a short breath, he shook his head. “And who the fuck is that?”

I shrugged. “Negan.”

I wander for a ton of reasons. Sometimes I get bored. I feel nomadic and I want a change of scenery. I like being near water, for washing, for fresh drinking, and for the calming effect.

I like to move so I can get a new perspective. Looking at the same thing over and over, even if the view is nature isn’t healthy. So I wander to get a fresh view, fresh air, fresh ideas.

Food is another reason. Be it for hunting or foraging, I like to have variety. Sticking to the fringes keeps me out of known territory, giving me plausible deniability if I’m ‘caught’ by one faction or another. It also keeps me apprised if I have to run, hide, or keep out of the fucking way of whatever wave of violence is coming next. Because while the monsters are real, humans are still just as fucking dangerous.

As I’m on one of my foot powered trips, I hear it. It’s as familiar to me as it is to any human being. Even if you were spared the rod like me, you’ve heard the sound of a whipping. It’s been used in movies, it’s been heard in music videos and in sex play, so the sound isn’t as foreign as one would like to imagine. And as much as I’d love to pretend otherwise, I’d heard it many times as I’ve flitted around the territory of the weirdos that Negan was making time with.

It shouldn’t have shocked me, really it shouldn’t have, that he’d be taking part in this round. Or that it would be a ritual between him and Alpha. They were doing a weird tug and pull, those two, and I had no reason to see it as anything strange or abnormal. I barely knew the man, afterall. Yet, as I stood far out of sight, watching as they whipped one another’s arms, as the chanting began warning me to seek shelter far away from what was sure to come, something told me that I knew him far less than even I’d thought possible.

I knew, regardless of how I felt about the chanting, whipping, really gruesome and sadly anticlimactic S&M imagery, that I needed to get my ass hidden in one of my MANY hidey holes. One of the other side effects of wandering is that I had a cache of places that most survivors barely glanced at that would not only keep me safe, but offered me a place to tuck away to and ignore the rest of humanity until they got their shit back in order.

Some were clearly old hunting cabins, others were shacks, and some bore the tell tale signs of being former moonshine stills. Regardless, four walls at least and a roof were my requirements. Bonus if there was a stove or fireplace of some sort, and God fucking praise Jesus if it was furnished.

Of course, I should have known, given my luck since meeting Negan for the very first fucking time at MY bathing spot that he’d find my spot. That out of ALL of the shacks in ALL of Godforesaken fuckoff Virginia Negan would manage to bring Alpha to MINE.

I was writing in my notebook, killing time as the quiet was cloaking me like a soft blanket when I heard the first hint that it was being broken. And then, arrow notched, shoulder against the side of the shack, I watched as he walked behind HER as they approached MY spot. My heart was pounding SO loudly in my ears that IF they were speaking I couldn’t hear the words. I knew the moment she saw me. I saw the surprise on her face. The confusion. I was shocked, because I expected an attack, but she only turned to him, a question on her lips, and then with a flash across her neck, she had a matching wound to his. Only hers was far more effective at quieting her than his had been.

What happened next? I sat down, back to the image of him and her, to whatever was outside MY shack. My back against the wall of the shack, my bow on my knees the silence returned or the pounding of my heart so loud again that I was rendered deaf. I didn’t see what happened after the flash of his blade, or after I turned away. I didn’t want to.

I’m not sure I was still in the shack, honestly. I thought about when I was a little girl. When my dad was seeing patients from his office at our house, a huge red brick Victorian on a tree lined street in southern West Virginia. The sidewalks were rippled by the roots of the trees, imperfect and I remembered jumping over the humps. Creating hopscotch boards on the sidewalk was difficult, so we had to go to the playground or the park.

I remembered my grandma fussing at Dad about a pair of white knit leggings he bought, and how he’d been so distracted with his schedule that he hadn’t paid attention to the panties I wore under them, so when I came home that evening, she’d had to point out that the very bright primary colored rainbow ones I chose weren’t appropriate and that he’d have to show as much concern to his kindergarten age little girl as to the crazies that were coming and going each day.

“Elara?” Hoarse, his voice sounded hoarse. My eyes were locked on the dust motes dancing in the late day sunbeams shining through the cracks of the shack’s walls. “Can you say something?”

“Is she dead?” Just as quiet and hoarse as his, I wondered, idly if he’d buried or burned her body. He knelt in front of me, in the path of my dusty dancers, forcing my focus on him. “Well?”

He nodded, eyes locked on mine, but hands to himself. “Yeah, she’s dead.” My turn to nod. “I need you to come with me, Elara.” I tilt my head, studying him. “Please?”

I want to argue with him on this. I don’t join anyone. Especially men who randomly cut a woman’s throat in front of another woman, but he cut a woman’s throat in front of me, so perhaps now is NOT the best time to poke that particular bear. I nod my ascent. He helps me to my feet and waits while I get my pack and shit together.

“I have to meet with a few people,” I’m thinking about the giant that is Beta, now that he’s killed their Alpha, he gets that designation. A leader, like he was before. “And, I need you to trust me.”

Easier said than done, I think, but say nothing.

Negan talks as we walk. He asked me if I listened as he and Alpha came to the shack. I don’t speak, honestly there’s not a hell of a fuck ton to say. He takes my silence as a ‘no’, so he tells me the story of his past.

“I was married,” I listen, thinking if nothing else it gives me something other than the bag he’s carrying or the knife I know he has to think about. “Before everything went to shit, I was married to a woman named Lucille.” He’s walking beside me, measuring his steps to match my shorter strides, keeping pace with me. “She didn’t tell me she was sick, not until it was too late to do anything to help her. She died right when-” When he stopped I understood, when he would have to make a choice that no one should have to make. “I couldn’t do it.” I thought about how I felt about Dad dying a year earlier, knowing that I didn’t have to make that choice. A gift. “My emotions? Gone. It changed me into-” he sighed, and biting his lip, I felt his gaze land on me. “I told her,” I knew he meant Alpha, “that I’m dead inside. It’s gone, I have nothing left.” I should be afraid then, right? Isn’t that the warning of a killer? Someone who wants to murder and rip people apart? “I lied.”

I swallowed, but kept walking. I didn’t know what he wanted. I didn’t know who he was, what he was, but I truly fucking hoped I wasn’t about to die at his hands. Or at the hands of whomever he was insisting I go with him to meet.

[murphystartedthefire]

I'll be honest - I didn't like Emori, but she started to grow on me at the begining of this season. Last episode was great for her. I don't know if you've been asked this already (probably yes), but could you make a ranking of your top 10 Memori moments? I think I know what's gonna be first, though 😁

Sorry for the delay but thank you for this ask!!! It is so hard to narrow down to a Top Ten, let alone rank them. So this is my best effort and very personal to my own feels (and I’m likely to change my mind on any given day):

-------

10) 3x13 Red Sky at Morning

The scene where Murphy, Pike, and Indra have a chance to take out the City of Light, but ALIE-Emori says it will kill her? And he has every reason to *know* she’s manipulating him and either way this is a world-destroying threat they need to take care of and meanwhile (not that he knows this) Monty is off in another location wiping his own mom out of existence, but Murphy is a soft boy who can’t bring himself to do it. And THEN there’s that crushing moment of hope where he thinks she’s back for a second but then realizes she’s still ALIE... it is pure angst and I love it.

9) 4x01 Echoes

Asking her to come back to Arkadia. Their main arc all season was about being on their own or part of a group, Murphy a lot more chill about returning to his people and Emori much more wary and distrusting. But it still ends with her agreeing to take that leap with him (the fact it’s another couple of episodes before they actually do is his decision). To me this was the I-want-a-future-with-you proposal scene prior to the other one, and I don’t know how to look at those big beautiful smiles and NOT want to give them the world.

8) 6x01 Sanctum

Speaking of smiles! I can’t get over how cute and joyful this scene is, especially coming on the heels such a dark time they had in season 5. It’s a fair argument that their post-breakup reunion was too quick and not fully earned. But in my Memori-shipping heart I just love to see them *happy*, teasing each other and acting like kids, embracing this second chance to be alive and loved.

7) 4x08 God Complex

I really should put this higher but on a purely subjective level it just... hurts too much to watch.  Murphy losing his entire shit and trying to get out of his bonds while Emori’s trying to resign herself to her fate and telling him not to fight for her. They are so desperate and terrified and thinking of *nothing* but saving each other. :( It’s kind of brilliant how “Gimme Shelter” totally establishes Memori as borderline villains (in the framing of that last scene more than anything) and then in the very next episode it’s just... I can’t even imagine not feeling terribly anxious and sad for them, while watching our usual protagonists become nearly irredeemable. And then Murphy screams and pleads at Clarke and it’s an incredible performance from Richard as we all know, but the scene leading up to it is underappreciated, I think.

6) 5x06 Exit Wounds

It was hard to get anything from S5 on here (and I’m tempted to just go with the near-sex scene in this ep, definitely the hottest Memori scene) but I do really appreciate this moment in the rocket giving us probably the clearest view of what happened to drive them apart on the Ring. Also season five had several Unfortunate Uses of Shock Collars but this was probably where it was put to *best* use as a symbol of where they were at emotionally. It’s a rare and really good thing on this show when the action stops for characters to have a human conversation.

5) 2x12 Rubicon

There’s a lot of great meet-cute/meet-knife-to-throat in this episode, but by far my favorite scene is when they open up to each other about their reasons for being rejected by their people -- Murphy owning up to his violent past and Emori showing him her mutation. It’s a risk of being vulnerable and judged in different ways, and the foundation of their relationship: they recognize a part of themselves in each other.

4) 3x16 Perverse Instantiation Pt. 2

This is a short moment but makes me feel so much! Memori have so many great reunions/hugs, but this one after she wakes up from the City of Light is just so emotional and powerful. Her devastated face! The way they cling to each other! They are truly everything in the world to each other at this moment and never want to let go.

3) 4x07 Gimme Shelter

This list has many tooth-hurtingly sweet moments about how adorable and precious Memori are together, but it’s no secret I also LOVED this episode’s reveal of how dark and cunning and ruthless Emori can be and how Murphy was all the way onboard with it. There is so much complexity to them that doesn’t easily boil down to ‘perfect misunderstood woobies’ or ‘irredeemable bad guys’. Emori especially had been shaped by her life to be very, very paranoid and self-preserving, and Murphy so quickly accepting and even *impressed* by that side of her is a lot more interesting than if the show had just straight-up vilified her, or alternately made her an angel whose goodness redeemed him.

2) 3x02 Wanheda Pt. 2

Cheek kiss! This will always have a place in my heart as the moment I started shipping them. I just really love how sweet it is, in contrast to the fact they just killed a person (albeit in self-defense). There’s something completely sincere and gentle in how they relate to each other. (You see that with Murphy’s puppy eyes in Rubicon, I guess this is when I felt it from Emori as well.) They approach giving and receiving affection in such an innocent way because they just haven’t had that in their lives. :(

1) 6x08 The Old Man and the Anomaly

HAHAHAHAHA (laughter turns into delirious sobs and falls off chair), your ask was like “I bet I know what’s gonna be first” and my immediate thought was “Not necessarily!” but then I realized I was just kidding myself. Can you believe. CAN YOU BELIEVE. JOHN MURPHY. GOT ON HIS DAMN KNEE. And they called back “survivor’s move”. And there were *tears in his eyes*. And the entire thing had an “oh shit” undercurrent because he is making the worst life decisions and it basically turned into a pitch for stealing bodies and becoming Gods together, but it was also... so genuinely more than that. And Emori got that, as evidenced by the end of the episode, when she rejected his literal Let’s Be Immortal proposal but accepted & returned the declaration-of-undying-love part. Wow.

[HONORABLE MENTION: the season 3 deleted scene which I left out because it was unaired, and “your home is with me” because I didn’t want half the list to be S4.]

[marvellouslymadmim]

Neither Timid Nor Tame. Let’s talk about how you approached making good on all that TENSION and slow burn you set up. Did you feel the pressure? Did it come to as satisfying an end as you hoped? How do you approach writing smut? Anything you find particularly challenging when approaching it?

(*cue Salt-N-Pepa’s Let’s Talk About Sex in the background*)

Did you feel the pressure? The entire series was the first thing I’d written (or at least published) for about 2-3years. I had written longfics, slowburns, and smut before, but this was writing for a new fandom, a new set of readers, and an entirely new dynamic. So there was a lot of pressure, not just directed at this particular fic. I wanted to give the readers some emotional fulfillment (I honestly hadn’t expected anyone to get as invested in the series as they did, and that was a beautiful surprise), and I wanted to know, as a writer, that I could successfully and truthfully end such a long storyline without tripping at the finish. 

There was also a bit of added pressure because I find writing first time sex to be more difficult. There’s the added layer of learning boundaries and each other’s bodies that becomes more of a second-hand language in longer, established relationships. And because I’m very big on upholding my responsibility as a writer to truthfully portray characters as close to their canon selves as possible, that means creating situations that will get them to react in the way that I want. 

So yes, I definitely felt the pressure.

Did it come to as satisfying an end as you hoped? It did, I think. Looking back there are parts of the dynamic that I wrote that I don’t think hold as true for the idea of Hecate and Ada’s personalities that I hold now, but for the portrayals I gave of them in that particular series, it fits. I had originally planned to have the piece end much earlier, but the ending never felt quite...whole, so I followed them around for a bit longer, and found the ending we have now, which I truly love because it’s soft and a bit full circle. The series starts and ends with Dimity and Hecate, and starts and ends with Hecate having entirely different views of her relationship with Ada. And I think it ended where I generally like to end my long fics: with enough of a story “ended” to feel a sense of satisfaction, but with the sense that there’s still so much left ahead for the characters. How do you approach writing smut? I don’t think I have a set approach to writing anything, but if I really try to break it down, it starts with simply...sitting with the characters. Getting to truly know them and their personalities. Once you understand their pasts and their motivations, writing becomes extremely easy. So sometimes writing smut, you go “Oh, this would be nice”, but then you have to also go “ok, but would X actually do that? And if they did, how would that look from an emotional standpoint?”  I always try not to get too technical, though I do have several books on sex positions which I consult when describing things, because mentally, I need to know where everyone’s hands are, at any given time. I think it’s safe to say that I often go deep-diving into character’s heads during sex, which honestly is why I love writing smut. I’m not too focused on the acts themselves, I’m much more obsessed with the motivations and emotions behind them. And I think that’s a great place to be.  I don’t find gratuitous, disconnected smut to be appealing (gimme that history and connection, baby!). So when I write it, I make sure it’s true to the characters and their dynamic, that it’s also mirroring or addressing something else outside of the actual acts, and that it serves a narrative purpose.  If in my writing, there’s a moment where a “saucy bit” kind of fades to black before the action, that’s generally a sign that, in my opinion, whatever happens next isn’t going to give us the kind of insight into this dynamic that fully serves the story I’m telling.  I have zero clue if that actually answered your question, btw.

Anything you find particularly challenging when approaching it? Ooh, yes. Sometimes it’s not easy, finding a balance between mining the character’s thoughts/motivations and actually focusing on the action. Pacing is extremely important in smut scenes, more so than others, I’ve found. So finding that balance and keeping that pace is something I’m far more aware of during smut (and what contributes to longer write times, I feel like). 

As mentioned before, first time sex is always more of a challenge. Because not only are you learning how the characters work together in this setting, they’re also learning that, too. And there’s the undercurrent of constant “oh, am I asking too much? am I giving enough?” that tends to lessen in longer term partnerships. 

I also am really aware of...certain aspects of fandom culture which can turn a smut scene into an objectification of the actor’s body, and I really try to look at my work through a certain lens, in that regard. Because I don’t want that, I don’t want to even be tangentially related to that in the least. The appeal, for me, is the connection between two fictional characters--it’s the connection between them that makes the scene “hot”, not the mental image of two naked actors. So while I write from that standpoint, I also edit from the standpoint of “could this be...misused?” I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but I hope it does.

Also, there’s a bit of a challenge in deciding what shows up in smut, too, I think. I studied human sexuality and let me tell you, standing in front of a college classroom talking about these topics really put me in a place of having zero issues talking about them at any given point. I don’t have a lot of squicks and our home as a “No Kink-Shame” rule, which means anytime someone seems to be a bit judgmental about a (legitimate, consensual) kink, we shut it down, regardless of whether we “get” it or not. I believe human sexuality is amazingly vast and varied, and if something just does it for you, go for it (keep it safe, sane, and consensual, folks). But sometimes, you have to hesitate from bringing that into fiction, for various reasons. Fanfic is interesting because you really are writing for an extremely specific audience, and you have to honor that and be aware of it.  Come at me, bro: inbox random-ass questions about my stories, itemized number lists be damned.