#i need to just accept that not only is being poly convenient for me since literally everyone i love is poly but like... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wh6res · 4 years ago

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three's a crowd | nomin

synopsis. picking favorites is impossible when you like neither of them.

warning. read at your own risk. abuse, bullying, poly relationship, yandere themes, manipulation, nonconsensual touching, noncon, degradation, smut threesome oop

disclaimer. i do not condone whatever tf i wrote in this nor does it reflect my beliefs or values or morals and such. it is all pure fiction and i also dont think jaemin or jeno would act like this in real life.

note. this was meant to be a new year's gift lmao i obviously got a lil carried away 👀 anyway a late happy new year to you all! we survived 2020, let's start living in 2021, yeah? lmao if covid lets us grr mwah!

the relationship you had with the two of them was a weird one, bordering on taboo, but it wasn't as if you willfully chose to be who they wanted you to be and it took jaemin's unwanted pining and jeno's intimidating demeanor for you to fall right into their arms.

it was a joint effort on their part, you couldn't've possibly stood a chance.

"this many?" the cashier asked. "are you sure?"

stepping back and studying the whole situation, you figured you only had your addiction to caffeine and procrastination to blame. it was a chain reaction you didn't even know will lead up to your inevitable doom.

if you hadn't been slacking off during your first semester of junior year college, you wouldn't be forced to overwork yourself trying to catch up to the looming deadlines, but to be able to 'work yourself to the bone' you need your boost of energy… and that was when you met one of them.

"uhm," you scratch the back of your head sheepishly as you eye the six glass bottles of iced coffee. sure, it looks bad and you kinda appreciate the look of concern the cashier throws your way but it was none of his business.

"yes. now could you, like, you know… hurry up? i'm in a little bit of a time crunch right now."

screw it. although you hardly snap like that with other people on a daily basis, it'll be a whole different conversation if you were under a significant amount of stress and today, unfortunately, is one of those days.

now can he just fucking stop asking questions and give you your six bottles of death drink to keep your fucking brain going so you can pass an eight-page essay tomorrow? thank you very much!

the guy snickered, the beeping sound of a barcode being read sounding a thousand times more annoying than it usually sounds as he keeps his hand busy by punching your items out.

you fail to notice how he studies you through the gaps of his lashes, finding you interesting rather than threatening as you stood before him with your messy hair and oversized hoodie.

"haven't seen you around university grounds 'till today," he tries striking another conversation with you. "you new? i'm jaemin."

this was your first mistake, you shouldn't have been so… downright rude when you met him. if you were granted the miracle of meeting him a 2nd time, you would've acted more nice, throwing yourself at his feet even to blend in with the rest of his fangirls you didn't even know about at the time. you would've done anything to make sure he never gives you a second glance, to never pique his interest.

jaemin is the pep squad captain. flying over colored blue mats and doing tumblings in the air with no ounce of fear. he was the best in his team, that much was evident when your friend dragged you into watching a pep rally practice. his landings were clean, balanced, and executed to the best he can at all times.

no wonder he was popular, his talent is outstanding and his looks are a bonus. his killer combo of a smile and wink after pulling off a tough flip is enough to send them squealing in their seats.

he spotted you that day and since then, he snuck the quickest glances at the bench during practices. recognizing you as the coffee girl he met during his convenience store shift. jaemin tries not to let his disappointment show too much when he doesn't see you, but of course, a pair of cold calculating eyes could see right through him.

"i saw that," his boyfriend said, hand darting forward to hold jaemin's gym bag for him. "you kept looking at the crowd. do you want to see her that much?"

"but she reminds me so much of you, jeno!" he retorts, pouting at the slight grumpy tone the other boy used. "i can't help it. she doesn't seem to give a fuck around me so she's quite interesting. maybe she can even be a great addition to our relationship!"

"well," jeno replies after a beat of silence, plastering a small smirk on his face before slinging an arm around jaemin's shoulder.

"convince me?"

you don't like jaemin's attention. not in the slightest. and it seems that was enough reason for the reign of terror his little fanclub has subjected you too.

it wasn't the petty elementary forms of bullying like pulling at your hair or calling you names. they pale in comparison to the other things they do to you—beating you up, messing with your homework, "accidentally" dumping their food trays on you.

and you weren't stupid.

you knew exactly who was behind it, knew how jaemin spectates the whole thing from afar so that he can swoop in at the end to play your knight in shining armor.

"oh, you poor thing. do you need help?"

the first time you accepted his "help" you ended up in a supply closet near the gym during your free period, cornered and weak as your cries for help drowns under the squeaking of shoes and the booming sounds of rubber balls hitting the floor.

if it weren't for jeno appearing out of thin air and prying the boy off of you, you would've been painted blue and red from the death grip he had on your wrist, neck, and waist.

you can still remember feeling the soreness of your scalp from when he pulled your hair too hard. remembered feeling his teeth gnawing at your lips as if he wanted to tear them off.

that time hadn't been the first time you saw jeno. you've shared a few classes with him and it strikes you how polar opposites they are with one another.

while jaemin likes to bask in his professor and classmates' recognition by confidently reciting his answers, jeno would rather keep to himself. liked sitting at the last row, near the window, so he'd be the first to go once the professor ends their lecture. while jaemin loved the attention of his fangirls, jeno preferred solitude. while jaemin is impulsive and wild, jeno liked to think things through.

it was within these reasons that you decided to do what you did. but your judgement of character has never been more wrong.

you approached jeno one day in the library, tried to make yourself appear as stoic and confident as possible. but your constant slouching and averting eyes was a dead giveaway.

you came to talk to him about what jaemin has been doing, hoping there's one person left in this entire school that isn't under the cheer captain's trance. the one reasonable person that has already saved you once and (hopefully) is willing enough to save you again. the only one that probably has a certain level of control over jaemin, if the supply closet incident is anything to go by.

but you've overestimated lee jeno.

"you should've just given jaemin what he wanted."

"but—but aren't you two lovers? isn't it bothering you?"

you try baiting him, only for an uncomfortable shiver to start crawling down your spine when he chuckled humorlessly, pushing his school materials to the side while pinning you with an unreadable stare.

how can a person make someone feel so small just by a gaze alone? it was nothing like you've felt with jaemin. this is way worse.

"the only thing that's bothering me is why you're not ours yet."

you feel cold fingers creeping their way under your shirt, going higher and higher until it brushes against your bra. and when your eyes meet, the look on his face was unmistakable—what are you going to do about it, huh?

you stood up in lightning speed, the chair you've been sitting on scraping loudly against the floor.

you've never ran out as fast as you did.

and jeno swears it'll be the last.

you tried everything in your power to ignore them for the next following weeks but it soon became useless when the two boys took it upon themselves to give you your space.

although judging by the pinpricks you feel on your back, and the constant weight of a stare you feel on your shoulders, you knew they weren't done with you yet. far from it. and for some reason, you just knew they wanted to lull you into a false sense of security first before striking again.

and while they continued to ogle at you from afar like a hawk circling its prey in a desert, you took it upon yourself to return the favor. not because you were the slightest bit interested in those creeps but maybe, just maybe, if you look hard enough you'll find a way out, a weakness.

but what you realized made your insides churn in great discomfort—although it may seem that jeno holds the reins in the relationship since his reserved nature fits the role, it's actually the other way around.

jaemin might appear too self-centered, too focused on himself to give a fuck about his surroundings but in actuality, he has quite a knack for reading people. even more so than jeno. and it was scary how he used it to his advantage, and paired up with his devoted fangirls? it was hell on earth.

you found it alarming how the two seem to magically appear wherever you are.

although you weren't in the least bit surprised. for some reason, you can't take your eyes away when jaemin's devotees flock around him (and jeno) in a circle.

it almost reminds you of a shoal of piranhas, waiting for their meal to drop into the water before ripping it to shreds with their teeth. only their "meal" isn't actual flesh but the carefully crafted words jaemin says that drive them into a sick frenzy.

one that has them doing everything in their power to satisfy him like the loyal dogs they are.

so this was how he got them to bully you?

"oh, that? don't worry! yangyang just ran into me during cheer rehearsal. no biggie. my cheek stung a little bit, though…" is what he said but really he's telling them "scruff him up a bit for me, why don't ya?"

"of course, i can't be the best all the time. haechan is just too good, maybe even better than me…" is what he said but really he's telling them "can you remind him where his place should be?"

all the while jeno did nothing to hold him back.

no matter how wrong jaemin is, how much of an asshole he is, jeno will stick by his side through and through. so as much as jaemin is a puppeteer that gets a kick for controlling people, jeno is as much at fault for looking the other way.

because in jeno's perspective, why the fuck would he do shit when he can just get off from the entertainment that comes with jaemin's sweet little mind games?

we lost :(

you had been busy sorting through paperwork for one of your professors in the faculty when your friend texted you the results of the intercollegiate cheer dance competition. a frown paints your face, heart feeling heavy at the bad news.

in all honesty, you still supported the pep squad—you just hated the captain and his boyfriend. they've been practicing non-stop for this and prior to the weeks of the competition, jeno looked a lot more tense and jaemin less smiley than usual. you swore you even saw the latter snap at one of his fangirls.

not to mention, they paid less attention to you, too, and it was the best three weeks of your life.

tension starts rising in your shoulders, fingers absentmindedly running through the edge of the papers you had been sorting until you became immersed with your thoughts.

jaemin must be in the worst mood yet.

and jeno too, probably. if anything, that guy gets triggered the most when something bad happens to jaemin or when he catches snippets of people talking shit about his oh so "perfect" boyfriend.

jeno is a lot scarier when jaemin is in one of his mood swings, you noticed. he steps up in the relationship to offer comfort to the other boy and for outsiders? it isn't a great experience to go through—being on the receiving end of jeno's ice cold stare is a position you don't want to find yourself in after that time in the library.

he is still as much a threat to your peaceful life like his lover.

you snap out of it when the blinding headlights of a vehicle seep through the closed blinds. you hear the gentle hum of an engine switching off as the headlights vanished as quick as they had appeared. that must be the cheer squad's bus.

as you look around the empty faculty room, something in your gut tells you to ditch file sorting duty for professor kim tonight and fucking get the hell out of campus grounds as quick as you can.

after haphazardly throwing the unsorted papers back into the cabinet, you groan aloud when the keys to the office drop out of your skirt’s pocket.

the indoor gym where the cheering squad practices is right across the hallway. you sure as hell don't want to bump into jaemin. or jeno, too, if he had decided to ride along the cheer squad's bus on the way home.

you kept looking for the keys underneath the cubicles, cursing aloud when you heard the telltale squeaks of shoes rubbing against linoleum. you almost hit your head against a table when you quickly got back up your feet, darting forward to shut the lights for the faculty room.

they can't know you're here. alone. and if it meant sitting in the dark for a few hours 'till they leave, meant going back home a little later than usual is what you have to do then so be it.

you try not to react so violently when the door you're leaning on jolts when someone from outside slams their back against it.

"it's not like we didn't do our best, right guys? i don't have regrets. it might sound fucking cheesy and although i'm sad myself, atleast we did what we can."

it's jaemin. his voice clear as day.

you try peaking, craning your neck up from your place on the floor. only to see the back of his head leaning against the glass section of the door. someone else joins in on the conversation, followed by coach park himself, and you slowly tune out whatever they're saying as you stealthily start scanning the faculty room.

you curse under your breath. is there no other exit other than this door? jesus christ! even classrooms in this university had two doors—

"what are you doing here?"

the switch flickers on, basking the once dark room with light. only when you hear an echo of your name being called, did you snap out of it and quickly picked yourself up from the floor.

"i said, what are you doing here?"

their coach asks, drilling the question as he looks at you skeptically with his arms crossed. you try not to look at the people behind him.

particularly, not at his cheer captain standing on his right.

particularly, not at jeno, who stands out like a sore thumb with his blue hair, a protective arm snaked around jaemin’s shoulders.

this isn't your lucky day, too, you guess.

"i was…" you cursed yourself for stuttering. "i was, uhm, i was file sorting for prof—professor kim, sir."

coach park looked like he didn't believe you as he narrowed his eyes in scrutiny. your nerves are going haywire and you can feel the sharp pins of their stare with how close they are.

you kept juggling your weight with the balls of your feet, hands fisting and unfisting behind your back. you want to leave. you have to leave.

"file sorting… in the dark?" he asked incredulously.

fuck this.

"uhm, you can ask professor kim himself tomorrow, coach. for now, uh, i'll be going now. i'm sorry you guys lost…"

originally, the exit is on the right side, at the end of the hallway. but no, you are not going to pass by those two while on your way out so you ducked behind a random student standing on the coach's left instead and practically ran away from the scene.

everyone had been too busy. too busy looking at your retreating form to even notice jaemin and jeno exchanging glances, too busy to notice the latter untangling himself from their captain to slip away unnoticed, his hurried steps filled with a burning purpose.

you didn't know why you ran, but you did. your shoes practically booming against the floor as you sped away through darkened hallways. you're sweating profusely, heart hammering in your chest. you can worry about professor kim tomorrow but right now you just had to—

"why are you in such a rush, pet?"

crashing into jeno felt like crashing into a wall. if it hadn't been for his arm quickly wrapping around your waist, then you would've landed on your butt before him.

with the small distance between the two of you, jeno could see as clear as day through your eyes.

jaemin was right.

it was addicting to stare into them.

especially when he can see every single one of your thoughts flying through your pretty little head. but hey, it wasn't their fault you were so easy to read.

jeno barely conceals the wicked smirk on his lips when your hands come up to his chest, trying to push him away but to no avail.

he can see your eyes shifting from shock, to confusion, until it finally settles on fear—to which it's slowly becoming a favorite emotion of his to see on your face.

"you know, jaemin is in a really shitty mood right now. and we were wondering, maybe you can cheer us up?"

no. this can't be happening.

"jeno, please." your dilated eyes and disheveled hair made his blood run south. "let me go. you don't want me. you don't need a third party in your relationship."

you yelp when he lets you go, literally shoving you against a wall—which you found out is actually a door, as it swings open as soon as your body crashes against it.

with jeno looming unforgivingly before you in his full height, the tears stung extra hard but you won't let them fall.

if he wanted to bask in the image of your weakness then it'll be something you'll deprive from him for as long as you can.

"i don't need a stupid bitch like you to tell me what i feel." he scoffs. "don't fucking kid yourself, you little whore—i don't want you. i'm not jaemin."

the echo of the classroom door shutting closed surged through you like a wake up call.

this is really happening.

you've always led a decent life, had done nothing too questionable and you've always thought maybe life will spare you if you lived quietly enough. but the feel of jeno's freezing hands crawling against your skin felt like life itself had spat at you in the eye and left you to rot in a ditch.

"i've always liked how you wore skirts," he comments. playing with the ruffled hem of the soft fabric as he purposely grazed his knuckles against your supple thighs. "gives me easy access, don't you agree?"

you scream when he flips your skirt up to reveal the innocent pink of your cotton panties. it was as if a switch had flipped inside of you and the will to fight started coursing through your veins.

"stop! jeno! i don't want this!"

his brows furrow, grunting as he struggles to push the waistline of your skirt up higher with how much you're thrashing underneath him. you buck your hips, tried curling in on yourself, anything to prolong what he wants to do to you.

with your legs trapped underneath his, you blindly reach forward, relying on your upper body instead to push and scratch whatever your palms and nails reached.

you continue screaming like a banshee until he shoved two fingers into your wet cavern.

"stop fighting me," he sounded strained, as if he's holding himself back. you feel him fisting the fabric of your skirt and you fear he's simply going to rip it apart.

you tried responding to him, only the sound had been muffled, gurgled by the flat of his fingers pushing down against your tongue mercilessly. when you reach forward to push him away, your hands land on the apple of his cheeks, nails digging through skin.

until it slips and—

you lie rigid when red scratch marks in the size of your fingernails slowly appear on jeno's skin, his head turned to the side as he paused. your actions slowly start sinking in to him as he shuts his eyes and bit his lip 'till it looked like it was about to bleed.

oh no.

"jeno—"

the slap he planted on your cheek left your ears ringing. all those hard earned muscles of his put to good use—if the tears hadn't fallen for the last few minutes, then it definitely started falling now.

the hit had been so strong, a few of your hair flew astray, the buzzing feeling of your skin tempting you to reach a hand up to soothe your abused cheek.

until jeno let out a low growl and your hand immediately drops limp against your body, afraid of whatever else he can do to you other than a slap.

"that's more like it," he whispers under his breath. you let out the tiniest of whimpers when his hand darts forward to fist your hair. "do you know what happens to bad girls? they fucking get busted up. do you understand me?"

his patience is nonexistent.

jeno slams your head against the floor when you don't answer because you thought his question had been rhetorical. it felt like your skull had been split in two as you wail in pain.

"are you fucking deaf—i asked you a fucking question!"

the hand that cups your jaw is painful as he squeezed your cheek with his blunt nails. your hand shoots up to wrap around his wrist, silently pleading for him to let up as you sobbed out loud. you started nodding as best as you can despite his firm grip on your face.

your reply was nothing short of pathetic. with lips forcefully pursed and the steady stream of your tears and snot rolling down your face, your response is gargled and hardly incoherent and jeno seemed to thoroughly enjoy your anguish if the condescending curl on his lips is anything to go by.

"look at you," he whispers, his face coming close to yours as he holds you down. there was something in the way jeno stared so intently that it made your skin crawl.

"i think you're prettiest when ruined like this."

with his nose touching yours, he felt too close, bordering on intimate as you felt his hand creep back up your thighs, trailing up with feather-like touches that made goosebumps appear on your skin.

you tried wiggling your legs underneath him but one sharp look from jeno is enough to make you stop.

the hand holding your face moves. coming down from gripping your face to encircling his hand around your neck.

"do you like it when i touch you? freaky bitch."

his hands trail further up, up, up until you felt him slotting a finger underneath your panties.

jeno didn't like how frozen you were underneath him as he pulls at the hem before letting go. the elastic snapping back against your skin.

the action evokes a strong feeling through the young male, promising to have you writhing and screaming and begging because by the end of all this, you'll be so needy and frustrated that you will have no choice but to give in to what your body wanted.

"jeno, didn't i tell you to play nice?"

someone stands by the door, the minimal light from the hallway creating a silhouette with his form but you knew who he was. that deep voice, with the same annoying flippant tone, is a dead giveaway.

you didn't know why you even hoped in the beginning. as if there'll be someone who can save you from these two.

you thought the flash of hurt in your eyes was quick to disappear but jeno noticed it quicker.

in a span of seconds, he pulled you up from your position from the ground and tugged you towards his lap. you haven't even gotten the time to settle on your new position when he already smashed his lips against yours.

it was messy. too much saliva. too much teeth. no tenderness to it at all.

the fabric of his jeans felt rough, not to mention the ice cold belt buckle made you severely uncomfortable as it seeps through the thin fabric of your skirt.

when you attempt to hover over his lap, jeno grunts as he snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you back down without your lips breaking away from each other. you didn't know why he let out a whine, but you understood the moment you fully sat down on his lap and you felt a tent on his jeans hitting your clothed entrance perfectly.

in a normal circumstance, you would've found everything hot and might've actually gotten off from it but not when it's him who’s doing this to you and you didn’t consent to any of this.

you start squirming again. palms lying flat against jeno's chest as you attempt to push him away and jaemin sees this as the opportune moment to slot himself behind you, caging you in between them.

“i want my turn,” he hisses and without an ounce of hesitation, jeno stops to do what he's told.

jaemin doesn't waste any second to grab your face, awkwardly craning your neck up to meet his lips in the same feverish kiss.

while jeno had been all teeth and aggression, practically forcing you to open your mouth and kiss him back, jaemin on the other hand is more soft, more romantic, you daresay. he seemed to like taking his sweet time by clutching your face, kissing you like he actually meant it.

he pulls away slightly, resting his forehead against yours as he murmurs something incoherent under his breath and then he's kissing you again.

you think you heard something along the lines of, "finally."

you've been too distracted by jaemin to notice jeno's nimble fingers quickly fumbling with the buttons of your blouse. it was only when you feel the sensation of his tongue laving against the swell of your breast did you turn away from jaemin, jerking backward in surprise.

"no—!"

your scream is cut off by a hand cupping your mouth. jaemin pulls your back towards his chest, molding your body against his as jeno licked and suckled all he wanted, thankful to have the other boy there to not worry about restraining you and keeping you quiet while he has his fun.

"ah, ah, ah," jaemin teases, going hard over the pleading and teary look you sent his way. it looked pathetic, he wasn't going to lie, but it doesn't mean he didn't love it. "just keep still and appreciate jeno's efforts to take care of you, alright baby?"

you don't like how he talked as if this was all a mutual thing, how he talked slowly like you were some toddler who didn't understand anything.

it's cruel how jaemin giggled and basked in your vulnerable state as he kept his eyes pinned on you while undoing the zipper of your skirt. your muffled cries of his name only serving to egg him on.

the way he stared was similar to jeno, too intently and intrusive, like he wants to burn your image of despair in the back of his head.

you whined involuntarily when jeno got bored of all the licking and thus decided to start biting and nipping at your chest instead. he was hypnotised by how responsive you were, how every little bite and nibble made you shudder.

it was a shame that jaemin had to cover your mouth. he didn't get to hear your pretty mewls but it wasn't as if he'd let the night end without hearing them loud and clear.

jaemin is fast in undressing you, feeling slightly betrayed by how quick your skirt and blouse fell under his hands.

you know what he wants, what he's going to do, and the tears fall harder when you can't dodge away from him. forced to endure and accept whatever they give you.

"you act like you don't like it but look how fucking wet you are," you bit your lip hard when jaemin starts circling the pads of his fingers against your clit, fascinated by how more juices streamed down your thighs.

"jeno, do you see this? fuck."

you can only blink in defeat, staring off to the side as you force down any noise bubbling up your throat, forcing yourself to think of anything else other than what's happening right now.

you try not to think about how they managed to tear all of your clothes off while they're left completely dressed. tried not to think about the fingers lazily drawing up and down your slit to collect your essence.

if they're doing this as a way to further humiliate you, it's working.

"slut," jeno mocked, a wicked curl on his lips when he wraps his fingers around your throat. the moment he dives down to claim your lips again is the same time jaemin pushes two fingers inside you.

"look at how wet you are because of me," jaemin whispers hot against your ear and you feel a sick churn in your stomach when you feel his smile against your skin.

he purposely drives his fingers in and out quicker, settjng a brutal pace, wanting you to hear the lewd squelching sounds. "hear that? do you hear that, darling? that's because of me—"

"don't go talking big now, jaem," jeno retorts, pulling away from your lips to start nibbling on the back of your ear. "i was here first. did you see how she fucking reacted when i sucked on her tits?"

you're quick to catch how jeno particularly loved degrading you. but how he talks about you as if you're literally not in front of him naked made you hit a new all-time low.

you felt… filthy.

his hands find purchase on your butt—only because jaemin has already claimed the front. for now.

you close your eyes tight when he painfully squeezes the flesh of your ass. you swear, his blunt nails will paint your skin black and blue.

"i'm the favorite!"

as someone who's part of a varsity team, you already knew a competitive nature runs through jaemin's veins. but never had you thought jeno would share the same sentiment. once again they prove that they're cut from the same cloth.

all of a sudden it wasn't all about claiming you as theirs anymore rather it was all about who can make you moan the loudest, who can make you cum the most, who can make you feel the dirtiest you can be.

you're absolutely terrified for the hours to come.

thankfully, they have yet to ask for your verbal opinion or validation. they let your body do all the talking—every repressed shudder and sharp gasp is enough.

but it's game over once they pop the million dollar question.

"who do you like best?"

you don't want to find out the consequences if you actually answered their question because you didn't know what could be worse.

jaemin's manipulation or jeno's aggression?

but it was all normal. trial and error is inevitable in order to build and mold you into the ideal lover for the both of them.

because adding someone new to the mix has never been easy—after all, three's a crowd.

#nct imagines #yandere nct #yandere kpop #nct smut #nct scenarios #yandere jaemin #yandere jeno #jaemin imagines #jeno imagines #jaemin scenarios #jeno scenarios #jaemin smut #jeno smut

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starsheild · 3 years ago

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AU August 2nd- Marriage of Convenience

AU August 2nd 2021- Marriage of Convenience

It was almost as though his time tied on the wagon was the calm in the eye of the storm for Prowl. The cycle had started in a whirl of activity and ended much the same way, and Prowl had only been swept helplessly along by it all.

His processor had skipped a little when he had finally come face to face with the speaker and discovered that the Monsters of Mountains were just mecha. Strange looking mecha to be sure, but beings whose fields he could teek, his optics could observe, and his audios could hear even if his processor could not process the glyphs being spoken for the most part.

The visored mech had lifted his chin forcing Prowls helm one way and then the other as he studied him. When he spoke again it was in heavily accented but perfectly fluent Praxian. “Just ya keep quiet and we’ll get ya mov’d outta here.”

Prowl simply nodded in agreement. It was not as though he had much choice. There was no point in calling for help, for there was no one to rescue him. While his tired processor was sluggishly generating questions as it tried to process his surprise and confusion, in the moment it was so much easier to just obey.

The bindings that had secured him on the wagon were cut away and Prowl swayed as their support fell away, the stiffness of his frame after being restrained for so long catching up with him.

“Easy there.” The stranger murmured, catching Prowl quickly yet gently. He supported Prowl easily until he found his pedes again, then helped Prowl to the edge of the wagon, passing him down to others waiting on the ground, issuing orders in a dialect Prowl couldn’t follow.

Those on the ground handled him just as gently, helping him to the edge of the clearing where Prowl was met with a new sight starting enough to force his processor to focus once more. He had seen images of zap-ponies, of course, but he had never actually thought that he would see a real one, much less ride one. But that was clearly what his helpers intended as they lifted him and placed him on the small beast, guiding his servos to the stiff upright mane that ran the length of the creature's crest pointedly.

One of them spoke quickly, stopping only when Prowl blinked at him stupidly. After a nanoklks consideration and a brief consultation with his companion he squeezed Prowl’s fingers in to the mane. “Hold. Strong. Hold strong?”

That at least Prowl was able to process, and he grabbed hold and nodded. Relieved, the one that had spoken stepped away, leaving Prowl with the single mech to hold the pony. After a few vents to process the strangeness Prowl looked around, watching in silence as the mecha swarmed over the clearing, gathering up everything and loading on an entire herd of zap-ponies like the one he currently sat upon. Even the wagons were quickly broken down and loaded on the beast until there was nothing left in the clearing.

It was then that the first mech that had spoken, the leader, Prowl decided, had appeared at his side and taken command of Prowl’s mount. At his motion the entire company set out, and Prowl had resigned himself to holding on for the ride. The canopy of the crystal forest hid the stars in the sky above, leaving in darkness that his optics could not penetrate and input from his sensor wings that his processor could not interpret.

He wasn’t entirely sure how he reached their destination. The next time he really processed anything he realized he was inside some sort of building and being helped from the zap-pony. A short, dark mech appeared, taking him from the leader and guiding him away.

He led Prowl into a small room, directing him to the berth within, and for the first time Prowl balked.

The mech stopped, then chuckled softly. “Easy mech. Yer not fer me. Not fer no one at the moment. Ya hungry, jus’ wanna charge?”

Prowl started to nod, then caught himself. That was not a yes or no question, and he was suddenly at a loss.

“Ah, ya can speak now, much as ya want. Yer safe here.” There was a hint of sympathy in the dark mech’s tone and field.

“Fuel would be appreciated.” Prowl said, more relieved than he liked at being allowed to speak again. He settled on the edge of the berth, automatically evaluating it as it gave beneath him. Firm, but not so bad. As tired as he was at the moment, Prowl suspected that he could have recharged on the hard floor beneath his pedes with little difficulty. “And, maybe also, your designation?”

The mech laughed. “Sorry mech. Meh manners are slippin’. Ori’ll prolly whap me when ‘e hears. ‘M Ricochet. Rico, if ya prefer.” He fetched a cube of energon from a side table that Prowl had not noticed at first, taking a small sip before offering it to Prowl. “Here.”

“Thank-you.” Prowl accepted the energon and the gesture of goodwill, even if he had not felt anything of the sort necessary. He was a captive, was he not? His first question had gone over well enough, so after a few sips of the energon he dared another.

“May I know what my fate is to be?”

The dark mech, Rico, shook his helm. “That’s for Ori ta tell. He’ll be by, once ya’ve had a chance to fuel and charge a bit. From what ‘ave heard, they don’ make this easy on ya’ll.”

“Those that have been sent before?” A bit of hope crept in to Prowl’s spark. While he still had no idea what was to happen to him, he doubted that they would go through the trouble of fueling and allowing a mech that they were planning to end for whatever reason to rest.

“Yup.” Ricochet nodded in agreement, watching as Prowl finished off the energon. He held out his servo for the empty cube. “Want more?”

“I am not full.” Prowl said as he handed it over. “But I am no longer empty, and I fear that much more will not set well with my tank right now.”

“Smart mech.” Ricochet observed. “I’ll leave ya to charge then. Yer safe in here. Don’ leave the room though.”

“I will not.” Prowl promised.

“Good. Ya need anything, jus’ holler for me or call fer Punch. He’s my ori.”

“He was the one that brought me back?”

“Yup.” Rico smiled, the single glyph answer full of pride and affection. “‘Need anything ‘fore I go?”

Prowl shook his helm, then caught himself as he optics landed on the glowing crystal on the table with the pitcher. “Will you leave the light?”

Ricochet followed his gaze, and actually seemed a bit surprised at the request. “‘Course. Ya can cover it if want it darker, or I can bring another if ya want more.”

“One will suffice. Thank you.”

Prowl back on the berth as the door closed behind Ricochet. He did not hear any sort of lock engage, which surprised him a little. With a soft vent he let his optics go dim and his processor wander. As recharge overtook him his last conscious thoughts were of his brother, and a silent prayer to whoever might be listening that the Priest had kept his word and delivered the message.

***

The creak of the opening door pulled Prowl from recharge. He struggled to sit up, groaning as his processor slowly booted. When his optics finally focused they revealed the other mech he could clearly recall from the dark cycle.

Punch, Ricochet had named him when the dark mech had claimed him as his originator.

“Feelin’ better?” Punch asked as he came closer, offering Prowl a full cube of energon after taking a sip, just as Rico had done before.

Prowl’s optics swept over the mech curiously as he accepted the cube. The bright yellow and blue of his armor was a sharp contrast to Ricochets, though as his processor continued to clear Prowl could see the resemblance in frame and manner. “I am, thank you. Ricochet was very considerate.”

“Not enough ta ask ya yer name.” Punch grumbled. “Since ‘e couldn’t tell meh when asked.”

“My designation is Prowl.” Prowl offered with the appropriate cant of tilt of his helm and doorwings as well as the intonation of his designation that added layers of meaning beyond the mere glyph.

“Well then Prowl, welcome ta Polyhex.” Punch smiled, the expression if not warm, at least as welcoming as the glyphs. “Rico said ya had questions.”

“Many.” Prowl admitted, debating between what he desperately weighed as the most important, and lesser weighted ones that were not as frightening in their potential answers posed by his processor. Finally he settled on the latter. “I must confess I am surprised at hearing Praxian spoken.”

Punch’s expression softened a touch, his frame settling into an even more relaxed posture as he answered. “There’s a good number ‘o us that know it. Ya seem like a smart one, though. Bet ‘cha pick up in Poly quick enough.”

“Then I am to continue functioning,” Prowl sighed, the words slipping from him before his processor could catch the escaping thought.

“‘Course ya are. Don’ know what they tell ya happens ta the mecha they leave any more. Don’t really care, honestly.”

“They tell us nothing of what supposedly happens to the Offerings.” Prowl admitted. “All I know, all I know that anyone knows for sure, is that they are never seen from again.”

“Well, there is that.” Punch nodded in agreement. “Seein’ as how we can’t have ya goin’ back. But we’ve never off’d anyone they’ve offered without cause. So long as ya agree ta stay, ya live here jus’ like one ‘o us.”

“Like one of you? As a… Polyhexian?” Prowl stumbled over the glyph, his stutter the result of a great deal of surprise, and no small amount of anxiety

“Free ta live and enjoy functioning.” Punch confirmed. “Soon as one little detail’s taken care of.”

“And what is that?”

“Yer bondin.”

#AU August 2021 #J/P #Offering #RoughWrite

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retroknightx · 3 years ago

Text

hypmic headcanons

since nobody on my instagram appreciates me, i’m going to put them here, and it’ll be like a master post i can add onto that way anyway (which is convenient for me, because i keep adding on… yeah, it’s bad lmao. my notes document can only take so much) all of it will be under the line so you guys don’t just have a big ass post clogging your feed! to whoever my 4 followers are

starting with fling posse…

---

Ramuda Amemura

He’s trans.

He has a superiority complex to hide his inferiority complex.

He also likely has a little bot of a god complex… Just a tiny bit… Not to the point it’d endanger his life, but to the point he can never admit he’s wrong (I suppose this can also count as the superiority complex).

He also has a little bit of a schoolboy crush on Dice… that has lasted far longer than he’d ever like to admit – not that he’d ever admit it in the first place – and he gets jealous over Dice.

He started his whole thing with girls, whatever it is, as a power trip, which also explains why he likes to cause so much chaos.

Since he used to smoke, he started candy as a way to stop smoking and it slowly replaced his smoking habit (as I have yet to see him smoke otherwise, but keep in mind I’m not far into the manga and mostly I’m going off the ARB story).

---

Gentaro Yumeno

All writers are perfectionists (I’d know as one).

He’s probably very particular about the details and doesn’t like doing things without a plan.

He’s the lyric write for Fling Posse’s raps and does not enjoy making up lyrics on the spot; however he can if he must – This is also why he carries the book everywhere.

I honest to god don’t feel like he’s of this world and whatever his actual form is (irony in his rap name?), it scared Ramuda enough to create Fling Posse, so here they are.

---

now for the dice ones… it’s gonna be long!

---

Dice Arisugawa

He is, unfortunately, very oblivious to romantic approaches – especially from close friends such as his division members, for he’s been with them for so long that he can never imagine them falling in love with him.

He has abandonment issues/a fear of abandonment because his mother left him.

Speaking of his mother, Dice likely knows how to do “noble” things because he was raised by a politician; i.e. how to play piano and stuff like that.

Adding on top of that, I feel like Dice has an accumulation of many different skills from being all over the place – He learned how to do card tricks by watching others, and he probably learned bird calls from spending time with Rio.

He undoubtedly has ADHD (as a person with ADHD myself, you cannot tell me I am wrong)!

He’s well aware that’s he a leech, but he can’t stop himself because the addiction is stronger and he feels terrible about it; it’s why he often begs instead of anything else that would fit his character more.

He’s a very talkative person and often rambles to get his thoughts organized.

He doesn’t like being put into awkward situations or forced into silence because he is used the buzz of a casino and a busy city.

Relating to the ADHD canon, Dice puts his life on line not only for the thrill of it, but to keep his mind off of thoughts, and it’s also why he gambles; so he can focus on one thing.

He is numb to change because he’s a gambler.

He is very good at adapting to a new environment.

He doesn’t like being looked down up and that’s why he started gambling; to prove that he’s worth something.

He uses humor to cope if he can’t get his mind off of things with the thrill of gambling.

---

Extras (Fling Posse all together)

Dice has weird limbs, so clothing fits him weird, and Ramuda started making clothes for them because of that.

Ramuda chased after Dice after he stole his signature parka and the Fling Posse star was embroidered on later by Ramuda after the formation of Fling Posse.

Ramuda likely pulls whatever strings he has access to to make life easier for his division members (not that it stops them from getting into trouble, that is).

Gentaro spends a lot of time away when writing and likely forgets he’s even alive during those periods, so his division members make sure he’s still taking care of himself when he gets like that.

They all piss each other off, but in a platonic love kind of way.

---

moving onto matenrou! my favorite division <3

---

Jakurai Jingui

Oh, my poor man’s so tired. He just needs a long break and a spa day; speaking of this, he likely doesn’t ask for help often – it’s the messiah complex he undoubtedly has.

His hair is too long for him to be taking care of it himself, and it definitely looks in fantastic condition, so he definitely takes good care of it – I just don’t think he takes care of it himself; I think he enlists the help of his division members (as I headcanon that Matenrou is in a poly relationship).

Jakurai’s matureness can sometimes get in the way of other things, such as emotional moments, and he can come off as cold or distant when he doesn’t mean to come off that way.

Unlike the other divisions, Jakurai wanted to really separate from his past, and that’s why he named his division Matenrou instead of reusing something from the past. He also probably doesn’t like talking about the past.

His hair is naturally silver, but the lighter shades that are nearly white underneath was caused by stress.

He gets cold quickly, which is why he always keeps the lab coat on, and it’s also why he wears a turtleneck.

Jakurai does live in the same apartment as Doppo and Hifumi, but he’s always so busy that he often can’t get there, so he ends up sleeping at the hospital; he also has a separate apartment of his own that’s closer to the hospital if he has free time, but he’s not off work/off work but still on call.

---

Doppo Kannonzaka

Man, the first thing I thought when I saw him was that he has a choking kink. Enough said. He also likely has a praise kink.

If he didn’t have social anxiety and wasn’t so busy, he’d also probably be going over to Rio’s camp a lot. I think it’s because he’s so overworked that he doesn’t care about what’s in the food; as long as he gets it.

He’s probably passed out from exhaustion more than once and just got used to it.

Despite all his problems, he definitely wants to be known and he wants his name out there; he wants to be just like the other two and he definitely looks up to them already, but he aspires to be them.

He is so thankful for his divison members and he’s glad that they accepted him.

---

Hifumi Izanami

Hifumi is a classic case of “fake it till you make it”; I really don’t know how he became one of the most popular hosts in Shinjuku, but it’s definitely about the fake confidence and the jacket is a comfort object for him that allows him to have that confidence.

He cooks all the time for his division members and he uses the catches from fish all the time, too. He even brings the lunches to their works for them.

---

Extras

Since Hifumi’s always out so late, the others make sure he has everything he needs for whenever he wakes up and sometimes they wait for him.

They’re all in a poly relationship and I refuse to believe anything else; I mean, have you seen those “my room” dialouge in ARB? Fruity.

They probably all love to cuddle whenever they get the chance because they can’t do it often.

They definitely set up one day of the month for all of them to just be together.

---

buster bros time!

---

Ichiro Yamada

This may just be the Ichiro simp in me, but I think he has a very nice tummy that’d be nice to lay on; like a soft one if that makes any sense to anybody other than me.

He’s a very friendly person and if you’re close friends with him, he’s definitely loyal; he’d be willing to drop anything to help you kind of loyal, like he is to his brothers – all that, except the willing to die part.

I think he gets flustered easily and doesn’t know how to respond to compliments. That’s also probably the Ichiro simp in me.

Although he has to stop his brothers from ripping out each other’s throats all the time, he’s very proud of them and of their achievements, no matter what they are. He’s willing to praise them even for the tiniest things to make up for his absence in their lives.

He probably has a terrible sleeping schedule, but he could probably operate on pretty much anything. Two hours of sleep? That’s not an issue for him; he’s used to it.

He’s likely a cheapskate when it comes to himself, but when it comes to his brothers, he spares no expense if he can.

---

Saburo Yamada

He has a superiority complex. I mean, just look at how he acts with Jiro – that’s enough proof right there.

He got into hacking and all of that computer stuff because it was interesting to him; he’s probably pursuing a career in it, considering just how good he is at it. I feel like he’d make a good white hat hacker that tests your website security, like Alma in Va-11 Hall-A.

Call him a library, because he holds grudges for years.

I think he just likes picking arguments because he think it’s funny and there’s nothing better to do when you’re stuck with your brothers (as somebody with a sibling myself, I can attest to that).

---

Jiro Yamada

Anger issues. Yep, that’s it. That’s the headcanon.

Man probably goes dumpster diving to see what kind of treasures he can find; his room is probably full of that kind of junk.

He probably has greasy hair. It doesn’t matter how much he cleans it, it’s just greasy (as somebody with the same issue, go clean your pillows Jiro).

---

Extras

Ichiro has to hold Jiro back from just punching Saburo all the time.

God, somebody save Ichiro from his siblings; with how much they bicker, he probably has taken so much ibuprofen to stop headaches in his life that he should be considered dead from an overdose.

Despite being assholes to each other, they all help each other out – Saburo helps Jiro with his work, Jiro helps Saburo with whatever he can’t do, and Ichiro takes care of the rest. It’s the only thing keeping their bond together.

---

mad trigger crew, my beloved.

---

Rio Mason Busujima

Rio’s very stoic and that often doesn’t break, so it’s very rare to see a smile on his face. He has different smiles for different things too – there’s the business one; one so he doesn’t look as intimidating, and the actual genuine smile that’s very rare to see, but it happens when somebody appreciates his food.

Rio’s not good at understanding emotions and it takes him awhile to process emotions; he goes quiet in these moments and it can be confusing for those who don’t know him, but once he’s thought everything out, he’s very smart about responding.

He’ll never fully adjust to a life outside of the navy and military.

Opposite to Dice, he finds the buzz of a city to be too distracting for his thoughts and he enjoys his solitude, but he doesn’t mind company at all.

Due to how his unit was broken up, he refuses to abide by H law and keeps his gun on him. Even Rio can be spiteful. However, he mostly uses it for hunting, which is why he’s so far out in the forest.

He definitely has a lot of scars and that’s why he often wears his fatigues; he doesn’t wana come off as off-putting. His cards without the jacket did him so dirty. Of course he’d have scars from fighting in World War 3.

He can come up with strategies on the spot and is a very quick-thinker when it comes to combat.

Despite how ruthless he is when it comes to rap battles and being an ex-navy, he’s actually a very gentle soul.

I feel like he’s asexual, but homoromantic.

---

Samatoki Aohitsugi

He only uses the bad guy persona as a way to be left alone, but he’s actually a very kind person.

Despite being a yakuza, he actually abides to the H law and it’s probably only because of Nemu (however, this is only based off of the anime, so I can’t say for certain, but I haven’t seen anything in the manga disproving otherwise yet).

I just feel like he eats a lot throughout the day. I can’t explain this one, but he has the vibes.

He also knows how to cook quite well himself, and he does it for his division members sometimes.

---

Jyuto Iruma

He’s very cocky because he knows he can get away with things; I mean, he’s the authorties, why wouldn’t he get cocky about what he can do? However, it’s somewhat annoying to Samatoki.

If he wasn’t a gay bastard, Samtoki and Rio probably would’ve been arrested long ago. Thankfully for them, he is a gay bastard.

He likes looking good no matter what; it helps his confidence, so he dresses up to go out anywhere.

His glasses are probably just reading glasses.

He likes spending money on expensive things.

---

Extras

Samatoki and Jyuto are in a relationship. They’re so fruity that I’m sure I don’t have to explain this one.

Samatoki doesn’t approve of Rio dating Dice at all and it’s only because of Jyuto that Dice is still alive.

Rio is pretty much their marriage counselor; he has to constantly deal with them bickering, so of course he is. He’s pretty much the adopted child to save their marriage.

---

Ships

Riodice

Samajyu

Poly Matenrou

---

i will likely make a separate post for the ship headcanons because this will be much longer, but i think this covers all of them anyway, so here you go. enjoy.

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dis-easedfairy · 4 years ago

Text

Impulsive Decision Pt.8

Female Path | Male Path

Chapter 8: My Ally

Warnings!: Kidnapping | Swearing | Tae Was A lil More Than Suggestive |

Genre: Poly!au, angst, fluff, eventual smut, yandere!au

Pairings: BTS x Reader / Kim Taehyung x Reader / Kim Seokjin x Reader / Jung Hoseok x Reader / OC x Reader / Park Jimin x Reader / Min Yoongi x Reader

Summary: Y/n is the owner of a very wealthy and successful company, Barnanby Inc. Y/n attends a BTS show, since they happen to be a fan. They make a very impulsive decision to show a loophole in BTS’s security and end up kidnapping BTS and 2 girls. In a fit of panic Y/n stashes BTS and the girls in a very luxurious bunker for the time being, but Y/n’s world slowly starts to crumble the longer the boys are out of the public’s eye,

Word Count: 10,042 (about 30mins of reading at an average pace)

A/N: I’m not even going to say sorry for taking so long because it’s a reoccurring offense so. My bad. HOWEVER, I do want it to be known that I’m starting a tag list for Impulsive Decision and Noxious! Also for any works I do. Like if you only want male reader stuff, or only the female path of impulsive or you want to be tagged for both paths. I’m not gonna say it’s because I'm so damn consistent that yall cant keep up. It’s because I ghost yall and post half a year later (ouch) like ‘waddup here bye’. I’m cool with you commenting or sending me an ask! SOJUSTLETMEKNOWLOVEYOUBYE.

I happily munched on my toast with jelly as Jin was at the stove cooking eggs and bacon. Jimin was next to me, focused on his drawing. Taehyung was across from me on his phone, his legs intertwined with mine under the table, Tae was still mad that Jimin was between us when we woke up. Hobi was with Suga and I was unsure where the others were.

“Don’t get too full off of toast, okay, Y/n?” Jimin told me softly.

I nodded, looking over at his work. He smiled and proudly moved the drawing closer. It was a Barnaby design, only the character was wearing a hoodie, ripped jeans and boots.

“That’s actually really adorable.” I smiled.

“Really?” I nodded.

“Maybe I’ll draw more for you.”

“Really? I’d like that!” Jimin’s smile got bigger as he turned back to his drawing.

I rested my head on his shoulder as I watched him work.

“What time do you need to pick up your nephew?” Jin asked.

“Not until later. 12pm. I should leave by 11 so I don’t get caught in traffic.” Jin put the fluffy eggs in a large bowl and walked over to the table.

“That would be best. Do you know what you two are doing today?” I frowned.

“Not really, I usually bring him here for most of the day then take him to the park and my sister meets us there. I’m a little afraid to bring him here. ” I admitted, setting down my toast.

“Don’t be, we won’t let anything happen,” Tae reassured me.

“I mean, no one is exactly happy to be here, I don’t want the anger to be directed towards him.”

“It won’t be. Take him to the park, maybe a small trip around the city, bring him here for dinner, we’ll watch a movie in the front room and then you can take him to get picked up.” Jin suggested, forgetting about breakfast as he sat in the empty seat beside me.

“I don’t know… It’s really risky. I’ll think about it.” I really wasn’t going to think about it.

I didn’t want my nephew there. Not with the hostility and anger Linza carried.

“There’s not much to think about. It’s not like we’ll let anyone say anything to him.” Jimin reasoned.

It was useless. I made up my mind and had no intentions to change it.

“We’ll see. I think I might need to stop at my apartment, if my sister sees me without makeup she’ll lecture me.” I dismissed, picking up my toast and ignoring the looks they gave me.

Jin only let out an exaggerated sigh as he stood up to tend to the food on the stove. Taehyung frowned, going to look at a game on his phone. I could hear adorable sound effects strung into a song coming from down the hall signaling that Hoseok was coming. I just knew Jimin or Taehyung were going to say something or bring Hobi into it so I stood up.

“I think I should head out to my apartment, put on makeup and talk to Jason before I pick up my nephew,” I started picking my jacket up from the back of the chair.

I leaned over giving Jimin a small and quick kiss on the cheek. I ran around the table to do the same to Tae.

“Jin have you seen my phone?” I asked, stopping to look around the table.

“You aren’t going to eat breakfast first?” Jin asked, his voice saddened.

“If I sit down I might be late, Jinnie. I have to put on makeup or my sister will freak.” I frowned.

“You should eat.” Hobi chimed in, entering the dining room with a broken gaming console.

Taehyung turned around to glance at Hoseok but saw the broken device.

“What happened!?” Tae demanded, his face contorting to give his signature fake cry.

“Jungkook happened.” Hoseok rolled his eyes and placed it on the table.

“No results of temper tantrums on the table!” Seokjin scolded while putting rice in bowls.

“Temper tantrum?” I asked, confused more than ever.

I felt bad for the console but it could easily be fixed if I brought it to work with me. I knew a few of my employees were real tech wizards and loved the challenge.

“He sees it as ‘It’s not mine so who cares’.” Jin informed bitterly.

“He’s still a little mad, but he’ll get over it in a few more days!” Jimin quickly defended.

“He’s not calming down. Not with Linza around him.” Taehyung commented, not taking his eyes off his phone screen.

“Linza. Why do I want to scream every time I hear that name.” I sighed.

“Because she triggers everyone’s killing instinct.” A voice came from the other hall.

The owner of the voice happily skipping into the dining room.

“Good morning, Seongmi.” I giggled.

“Morning! What’s for breakfast?” She asked happily, going to plop herself on one of the stools at the kitchen island.

“Eggs, sausage, tofu, rice, and red beans…” I trailed off looking at what Jin was cooking.

Hoseok took the time to sit at the table while Jin plugged in the electric griddle.

“If you’re not going to sit down and eat, at least let me make you a sandwich.” Jin pressed, turning to the fridge.

“You’re leaving?” Seongmi asked, her eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re not accepting ‘no’ for an answer, are you?” I smiled.

“No. You’re eating.” Jin asserted.

I groaned, walking over to the table to sit next to Jimin again. Seongmi quickly came over to sit next to me.

“Are you going to work today?” She questioned, resting her elbows on the table, her hands cutely cupping her face.

“Uhmm, I don’t think so.” I begin to think if I had anything to take care of to buy time.

“Jin Oppa! Do you need anything from the store?” I asked.

Jin looked up and at me then begin to scan the kitchen, “I was making a list… Jimin, can you come to finish it? I’m trying not to burn her bread.”

Jimin only nodded, getting up and jogging over to the kitchen to search for the misplaced note pad.

“Just so you know, there are no limits. If you want me to buy a whole cow I will.” I informed, picking up my half eaten toast.

“I prefer pig.” Seongmi teased.

I felt a hand grab mine. I looked across the table. Hoseok was leaning on the table, his fingers beginning to play with mine, “I haven’t seen you with makeup, I bet you look just as beautiful.” His voice was deeper and his eyes locked on my hand.

My breath caught in my throat. His hands were so warm and somehow soft. Warmth spread throughout my chest as my heart sped up.

I’ve never had someone look at my hand so fondly before. Just like that Jung Hoseok stole my attention. I turned to him more with a small smile, “Aren’t you the charmer today?” I teased.

A smile spread on his face, even though he had a smile on his face, his eyes lifted to meet mine, full of seriousness, “Just make sure to eat and don’t tire yourself out.”

“I will! I will try not to tire myself out!” I assured.

“…Your sandwich is ready.” Taehyung cut in, popping the bubble around Hoseok and I.

“Go get your sandwich and don’t be late for dinner.” Hoseok instructed before lifting my hand to kiss the back of it.

I only nodded, hoping he didn’t feel the heat from my face from across the table. I stood up to retrieve my sandwich. Seokjin was placing it in a paper bag with a satisfied smile while Jimin finished up the list and slipped it in the bag.

“Have a good day!” Jin grinned, handing me the sandwich and placing a kiss on my cheek.

Jimin quickly moved between us to put his hands on my sides and kiss the same place Jin did, “Be safe, Jagi!” He radiated, getting a glare from Jin.

I giggled at his action, “I will, Chim.”

I felt arms wrap around my middle and a chest press to my back.

“Have a safe drive, don’t stress on Jason.” Taehyung’s soothing voice guided.

I felt him place a kiss to the crown of my head.

I was pretty sure this was their plan to murder me.

“What do you mean all the computers went out!?” I demanded, my phone between my cheek and shoulder as I fixed the bottom of my dress, “Then get them up and running! I don’t care how much it costs or who you have to call, we have a deadline to show what we got and I’m not letting a convenient power outage on one floor alone make it crumble.” I threw more clothes, makeup, skin products, and hair products in a suitcase to take to the bunker.

“Make sure the designers, programmer, and artist are well rested and fed, I don’t want our team to be running on coffee and sugar as their main nutrients. Call in an order and get plenty of water, I’ll make a stop there after I pick up my nephew.” I zipped up my bag and ran my hands through my hair.

“No! My brother will not step in. This is my department and my call. I don’t care who he tells you who he is, you are to listen to me and me only! Fix those computers, feed and rest the staff, and investigate how the power was cut off, why and who. I’ll be there in an hour and things better be productive or I’m kicking you all into shape.” I hung up.

I let out a huff. Great. Now another problem to solve. I frowned at my outfit. It was simple enough. A black dress made of a material that clung to my body but was stretchy enough to be comfortable. It had lace sleeves and round lace neckline, thankfully the lace wasn’t itchy so I was happy. I walked to my bed to the dreaded Christian Louboutin box. My older sister got them for me and I haven’t opened them. I slowly opened the box as if I was diffusing a bomb.

I let out a big relieved breath. They weren't platformed heels. They were regular black heels made of suede with the signature glossy red bottoms. After I slipped those on I rummaged through my drawers to find a belt for my waist. I settled for a black Gucci belt with small gold bees and stars on it, wanting the design to be simple. I quickly put on pearl stud earrings and searched for the necklace my father gave me.

The longer it took me to find it the madder I got. It was a Japanese Akoya black pearl necklace. It was very simple, just the black pearl with a white gold chain through it. My father gave it to me when we went to the beach in Japan one summer. We met a pearl farmer there and my father, being the proud business owner he was, asked for a tour. My father was really happy with the eco-friendly and sustainable pearls and offered them a deal. Now they have their own departments to make jewelry and give us some for our gift shops. The owner of the place gave me a black pear he found that morning, about a year or two later my father sent it back to him, then the owner sent it back with the chain in it, my father then gave it back to me, reminding me to always remember that small businesses are sometimes more reliable, loyal, and considerate partners. So now I treasure it.

I could hear my phone ring as I got on my hands and knees to look for the necklace. I groaned at the disruption, I answered it and put it on speaker.

“Yes?” I called from the floor.

“F/n. I’m just calling to remind you! You’re picking up my son today.” My sister drew out the last part nervously.

“I’m aware! You called while I was getting ready.” I grumbled, still searching.

“Wait, where are you? It sounds like you’re talking from far away?”

“I’m on the floor. Have you seen my black pearl necklace!? I can’t fin-” I spotted a round ball beside my nightstands leg, “NEVERMIND I FOUND IT!” I beamed, quickly snatching the necklace and examining it for anything out of the ordinary.

I could hear my sister sigh. “ You need to take better care of your things… Especially if it’s from our father…” I frowned.

My brother thinks the same. I felt a tug at my heart as I looked down at the necklace in my hands.

“…I knew it was here. I just wasn’t sure where. Just because I lost it briefly doesn’t mean I care less about it.” I explained, my voice small.

My sister muttered something under her breath that was too low to hear.

“Anyway. I heard Daisuke was in town. Why?” Her voice was straightforward and sent a shiver down my spine.

“I-I’m not sure. I just found out as well. I don’t plan on meeting up with him. I haven’t spoken to him in years.”

“Let’s keep it that way. Make sure to leave your apartment in the next 3 minutes or you’ll be late. Goodbye.” The line went dead.

Since when has my sister been this irritated with me? I pulled myself up to my feet. I walked over to my window, looking out for a moment. There were large clouds that did a good job of blocking out the sun for a few minutes at a time. It had been raining on and off all morning.

I looked back down at my necklace, sadness filling my heart, “…She wasn’t just talking about my necklace, was she, Dad?”

I arrived at the school a few minutes early. I got out of the car and grumbled to myself on how I would have to wear the heels all day and it was going to sting. I felt a little subconscious as my heels clicked on the sidewalk and now in the entrance of the school.

The woman behind the desk smiled, “Ms. L/n! You look beautiful! I’ll let Gyeong know you’re here!” She said quickly, moving to get the phone to intercom the classroom.

I held my hands up, “Actually, I know I’m early so I’ll just let them finish up. I don’t want to interrupt my nephew’s studies and social life.”

The woman nodded, “Yes, I understand. Feel free to walk around, Ms.L/n!”

I gave her a small bow and began to wander a bit. I hated that. How people seemed way too formal and polite. Almost afraid.

I looked over the walls of the school hall. They were covered in artwork, letters, notes, photos and accomplishments from the children that made the whole place feel happy. I found myself smiling. This school always seemed so nice, comforting and patient. My nephew had nothing but good things to say about his teachers and the whole place in general. I found myself thinking about wanting my children to go to the same school in the future.

“How many kids do you want?”

I felt myself freeze again at the question Hoseok asked me this morning. I felt my lips stretch into a smile.

“Four kids sound nice, two boys, two girls...” I whispered to myself, reaching out to trace a picture of a tree a child drew.

I quickly withdrew my hand as if the picture had burned me. What was I even thinking!? Why was I thinking like that when I kidnapped Hoseok. When I forced them into a bunker against their will. They hadn’t seen the sunlight in days and here I was fantasizing and being an overall delusional woman.

Even if Hoseok did want children, that didn’t mean with me. I would probably be the last person who he’d want to have his children. I was also way too young right now. I had a company to look after. A prison to stay out of. Nine people in my bunker that I needed to hide!

It was also way too soon to think about kids even if Hoseok did want me in that way. A small amount of time shouldn’t give me baby fever.

In the bigger picture, I barely knew these men, yet here I was, willingly daydreaming about them.

I scoffed at my mistake and took out my phone, sending Jason a quick text about work and us talking, later on, to sort out somethings. Just as I sent the text I could hear loud footsteps coming down the hall. I looked up out of curiosity and saw my nephew’s teacher, Hui Gyeong. Once he reached me he doubled over, like he had just run a mile.

“Mr.Hui? Is something wrong?” I questioned, slightly concerned at the out of ordinary acts my nephew’s teacher.

“I was just on my way to call Jeonghun’s mother.” He stated breathlessly as he stood upright.

“Why? Has Jeonghun done something wrong?” I asked, feeling slightly worried as to where the conversation was going.

He waved his hands almost in a rush, “No! Nothing like that. I just couldn’t help but be a little worried about your lives, I know your sister likes to attend clubs and there have been a lot of recent criminal acts in them! I just wanted to tell you both to be safe.”

I felt my heart sink, “Ah, I was afraid my nephew did something…” I trailed off, trying to figure out how to change the subject that made my chest tighten up.

“No, no, aside from the usual talking he’s been well behaved,” Mr.Hui said, the air beginning to grow awkward.

“I will take your words into consideration. Thank you for caring enough to warn me.” I spoke up softly.

Mr.Hui smiled, “I’m glad. Your family does a lot for children and adults, it would be horrible if anything happened to any of you.”

You will be in for a ride when everything is said and done.

“The power is back on? Thank God.” I let out a breath of relief as I sank into the driver’s seat of my car.

“Yeah, we are still waiting on security to look over the footage to see if they catch anyone being suspicious but so far we are clear. That maintenance man said it might have been a bad wire or something but I don’t believe that.” Jason spoke into the phone through the sounds of our busy office.

“I don’t either. Only one floor in the entire building went out. And it so happened to be the department we are relying on to get us a new partnership. It’s too coincidental. ” I chewed on my bottom lip in thought.

“That’s what I was thinking. We’ll go over it more at lunch.”

“We will. I have to grab a few things from the store and I’ll head over to whatever place you want. I’m paying because you seriously helped.” I pipped up, sitting up as I waited for the traffic light.

“How about in a few minutes? We’ll meet at the restaurant we take our business partners to. ”

“…Why there? It’s so high-end and we aren’t talking business, just having lunch. It’s Wednesday so I have my nephew. Maybe a more family-owned place?” I reasoned.

“Okay, just pick somewhere quiet, I’m getting a headache from all the talking and yelling in this office.”

When I arrived to the restaurant I‌ began to settle Jeonghun in. I served him water and began to read off the menu for him.

“How about japchae?”‌ I‌ asked him as he sipped on his water.

He only shook his head, looking out the window.

“Hmm. Jjajangmyeon?”‌ I questioned.

He seemed to consider it for a moment before shaking his head.

“Fried chicken?”‌

He nodded his head frantically causing me to giggle.

“Same. We’ll just order a huge serving, okay?”‌

I handed the menu over to my nephew so he could look at the pictures and drinks, just in case he changed his mind. I looked around the place and it was warm and cozy. As I was looking over the wooden beams, I could hear a bell chime.

I‌ looked over to the door to see Jason. I beamed and began to wave my arms like an idiot.

I came to an abrupt stop as I saw movement behind Jason. I strained my eyes to see who it was. As soon as I made out a familiar feature, my blood boiled.

I could see Jason’s eyes dart to the door for a split second, almost as if he was considering just leaving. Which would’ve been a good call, because I would give him hell on earth if he came to the damn table. However, he seemed to puff up his chest and march towards the table.

I let out a scoff, “So, you’ve chosen death.”‌ I‌ muttered under my breath.

I watched him and the man of my cause for irritation strut up to the table.

I had half the mind to yell ‘stalkers’ so everyone would throw them out.

“F/n…” Jason’s voice leaked false-confidence. I‌ would’ve been fooled if his voice didn't crack at the end.

Once they sat down and Jason greeted my nephew, I began to speak.

I let out a sigh, “Did the security find out what caused the outage?”‌ I questioned, pouring water into the extra glasses.

“No, bu-”‌

“What’s taking them so long?‌ It’s security footage not the bible.”‌ I took in a deep breath to calm the building anger.

It wasn’t security’s fault. They had to comb through hours of footage. Maybe even days to see who tampered with the electrical. It’s only been 30 minutes tops. I needed to calm down.

It’s just the presence of this man,

of Daisuke, who was weighing on the part of my brain that only showed anger and hostility.

“I’m sorry, I understand it could take hours to go through everything. It’s just,”‌ I chewed on my bottom lip, “This meant to much to my father. He did everything for my mother, I want to do something for him.”‌

“Are we just going to keep ignoring me?”‌‌ I‌ heard the voice of and actual demon.

“Daisu-”‌ I‌ cut off Jason’s sigh.

“This isn’t about you and your pathetic motives.”‌ I‌ began to wave over a waitress.

“Daisuke, didn’t I say don’t speak until spoken to?”‌ Jason shook his head as he grabbed his menu.

“She’s just ignoring me.”‌ He seriously sounded like a child.

“Did you already figure out what you wanted, Jeonghun?”‌ Jason asked as he looked over the menu.

“We’re getting chicken!”‌ My nephew perked up, happy to be included.

“What will we be having?”‌ A waitress pranced over with a warm grin.

“Four orders of chicken and beer please.”‌ Jason smiled back at her.

“Hey! We have a child here.”‌ I sang in a teasing voice.

“Chicken, beer and apple juice so it just LOOKS like beer!”‌ I only shook my head.

Surprisingly lunch was mostly quiet. Jason’s attention was on my nephew and my attention was on the power outage culprit. I think Jason wasn’t bringing Daisuke into the conversation because of my nephew. But I knew as soon as tonight he would be texting me to ask when we could all meet up and talk. And I hated that I knew that.

I made sure to ask the butcher to give me top-quality beef steaks for Seokjin. All the beef I could get, I did. I wasn’t aware that meat would be a priority in the house but I should’ve known.

All the meats I got were FAR from on the list, but I got them anyway.

Seokjin and Jimin mostly wrote down everyday things and a few produce items. I‌ saw all the berries and fruits looking big and ripe so I got a lot of those as well.

Surprisingly I‌ was able to keep my nephew in line but getting him various things from around the store.

Unsurprisingly, Jeonghun ran out of the car as soon as I parked at the bunker before I could explain. I quickly got out the car and ran after him. He was about to open the first door as I grabbed him and yanked him away from it.

I set him down on the ground and held onto his shoulders as I began to explain, “Listen to me, Jeonghun. We have guests in the bunker. You are NOT going to tell anyone about them. Including your mother.”‌ My voice was stern, hoping it would show him that I meant business.

“You want me to LIE to mom?”‌

“No. . . I just want you to bend the truth a little. It’s different.”‌

“No, it isn’t.”‌

“…What do you know, you’re, like, five.”‌ He gave me the most offended look I’ve ever seen a child make.

“I’M FOUR!”

“One year off. When’s your birthday again?”‌ I teased, watching him getting angrier.

He tried to wiggle out of my grasp while I get out an evil giggle, “I’m joking, I’m joking!‌ I know your birthday! It’s on the 13th of March.”‌

He stopped struggling to pout, not at all liking my playful nature.

“I’m sorry but you’re not going to be a prude like my sister. Lighten up will ya? Now, no telling mom, your dad, your aunt or uncle, your friends, NOBODY, that you met these friends. Got it?”‌

He let out an annoyed ‘okay’.

“Good. Now lead the way, I bet some are excited to see you.”‌ A giant grin formed on his face as he rushed the door.

He knew the codes just in case he was ever in trouble, so I had no worry about him getting stuck.

I watched him bounce down the stairs for a moment before turning back to the car. I gathered the several bags that I had and began to place them at the entrance so it would be easier to close the door behind me. As I was grabbing the last of the bags, my nephew's backpack, and closing the car doors, I looked over to see most of the bags were gone.

I froze into place. Trying to remember exactly how many bags I had. As I was lost in thought, staring at the bags, I saw Seokjin making his way up the stairs. My eyes widened.

No. No, no, No, NO!

I dropped the bags I was holding and ran towards the door. In a fit of panic, I ‌just grabbed the outside door and tried to slam it close.

I‌ heard a small thud and, “YAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”‌

��JIN! YOU CANT LEAVE YET! I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO FIX BEFORE YOU CAN ALL GO!”‌ I cried, pressing my shoulder against the door to hold it closed against Seokjin trying to force it open.

“I’M NOT LEAVING! I WAS HELPING! I WAS GETTING THE BAGS RELAX!”

He was what now?

I quickly moved out the way, causing him to fall forward onto the bags.

“Oh shit! Jinnie, I’m so sorry!”‌ I quickly apologized, kneeling down to help him.

He looked up like he was going to start cussing me out, but stopped once he caught sight of what outside was.

His eyes widened as he looked around. Large trees covering the small clearing. The only reason anyone would be able to tell a bunker was here was because of the small block of walls with a door in front of it. Looking like a small room in the middle of nothing.

The pathway to get here was slim and the tire tracks sometimes got covered by plants that grew faster during the spring and summer months. And in the fall, fallen leaves did the job. The snow in winter. The path twisted and turned, so it wasn’t just a straight line to the bunker, it was obscured by trees and large bushes.

“WHERE ARE WE!?”‌He almost demanded, making me flinch.

They all had their eyes covered when they arrived. There were no windows in the bunker. I wonder where they thought they were.

“The forest. A few miles from Seoul.”‌ ‘A few’ was generous.

“How did you even…? Does ANYONE know this exists!?”‌ Oh no. He was panicking.

“Jinnie, calm down,‌”‌ I began in a soft voice, “I told you I’m not going to hurt anyone, plus this is only temporary. Jason, my nephew, and a few others know this place exists. Relax.”‌

He shook his head, “I’m not afraid that you’ll hurt us, what if one of us gets hurt and the ambulance can’t get to us in time??”‌

Oh, that's what he was afraid of.

I couldn’t help the smile that began to form on my face.

He gave me a ‘really bitch’ look in return, “Why are you smiling? Do you know how dangerous it is to live so far away from civilization!?‌ What if you run out of gas and you have to walk to town!? What if a serial killer comes in and you’re left for dead because no one knows this is here!?”‌

My smile suddenly disappears.

“Here I was, happy that you weren’t going to leave me, and you have to point out every single feAR I COULD EVER HAVE LIVING HERE! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!?”‌

“I’M JUST POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS!” He defended.

“THAT I OBVIOUSLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR!”

“Can you both stop yelling at each other before the others come!”‌ I heard someone hiss.

That, someone, was Hoseok, who began to quickly pick up as many bags as he could, ignoring Jin on the ground and running back down the stairs to drop off the bags before coming back.

I quickly stood up and ran back to where I dropped the bags and picked up the scattered contents. I could hear the shuffling of bags and Seokjin got up to help Hoseok. As soon as I had everything picked up I ran inside and down the stairs. Hoseok quickly shut the main and vault door. He ran past Jin just in time for Jin to shut it. We all listened for a moment before letting out a breath of relief.

No one else seemed to notice that we had all three doors open. Just waiting for someone to run out.

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again…

All three of us slid open the door to load the bags into the kitchen.

Taehyung and my nephew were sitting on the floor as Jimin had half of his body behind the tv with cords. Seeming to be setting up a game system.

Suga was sitting in a recliner, only watching them.

As soon as Taehyung saw us he spoke, “Jin-Hyung! Can you come set this up? Jeonghun wants to play Mario Cart but Jimin and I were lost!”‌

“What’s the magic word?”‌ Seokjin taunted as he began to put away groceries.

“Now?”‌ Jimin challenged, causing Seokjin to stop and turn around.

Hoseok let out and adorable laugh with Taehyung while I pressed my lips together. I wasn’t about to face Jin’s wrath more than I already have today.

“Please!”‌ My nephew gave a big smile, successfully breaking the tension.

Seokjin seemed to soften, “At least someone has manners here.”‌ Seokjin huffed and went to set up the console.

Seokjin setting up the console turned into Seokjin doing a tournament with the boys to see who could defeat him. It was around 7pm and he hadn’t even started dinner.

“Aish, he isn’t going to start it.”‌ Hoseok complained as he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and got up from his seat at the dining room table.

“I’ll help!”‌ I‌ pipped up, bouncing up from my chair in excitement.

We started just making meat and ramen. Hoseok found the grill pan and set it up and I set up the pot of water. We both agreed on kimchi ramen.

I had got the ramen packs out the cupboard and was turning to go to the stove. I slightly bumped into Hoseok.

“Sorry, Hobi.” I muttered, only to see him smirking when I looked up.

His hands moved to my hips to rest there lightly, “Do you think eight packs is enough?”‌ His voice sent a shiver down my spine.

“I think so. I never made ramen in bulk before… Should we add veggies to it to fill everyone up?”‌ I suggested, almost excited at the thought of adding stir-fried veggies.

Hoseok’s smirk only grew, “Would you like ‘veggies’ in your ramen, Sunshine?”‌ I can tell he liked my choice of the word ‘veggie’ over vegetables, but I couldn’t bring myself to care as I began to get hungrier by the thought of more things in my ramen.

I nodded, “I think I got a good amount at the store!”

“We can add veggies. Anything else you want, Sunshine?”‌ He asked, his voice lowering an active or so.

I couldn’t help but gulp.

Why was he so close?

His eyes were locked on mine, the smirk he had only made me look at his lips more. His skin was glowing, despite the lighting in the kitchen that didn’t do him justice. His lips were pink, they looked soft and tempting. His eyes twinkled in mischief that I couldn’t help but find adorable.

“Well…I…uh.”‌ I had no idea what to say in a moment like this.

Did I tell him I wanted to kiss him?

My nephew was in the living room with the others not too far from us.

Speaking of the others, Hoseok was ‘playfully’ nudged to the side by Jimin, who came into the kitchen with Suga.

“I’ll help you with the meat Hoseokie,”‌ Suga muttered as he turned on the stove.

“Maybe I can help with prepping the vegetables?”‌ Jimin suggested, tilting his head slightly and batting his eyes.

Oh, he was good.

I only nodded at his suggestion, causing him to grab my hand and lead me to the fridge, away from Hoseok.

Hobi let out a sigh, “We were okay with making dinner.”‌

“You didn’t even preheat the skillet. You were going to make gray meat.”‌ Suga nagged.

Jimin took out carrots, mushrooms, bell pepper, onions, garlic, and cabbage before closing the fridge, “Hyung, you didn’t even start the water for the ramen.”‌ Jimin shook his head.

“I was in charge of the ramen.”‌ I tried to defend him.

“Well, he stopped you from doing your job, Princess.”‌ Jimin moved to cup my face.

“But I–” Suga interrupted with a simple, “Get the seasonings, Hope.”

Hobi let out an irritated sigh and moved to the cabinets. Jimin quickly picked out our knives and cutting boards so I wouldn’t go to Hoseok’s side of the kitchen.

I let out a sigh.

That was a little excessive.

There was silence besides Suga and Hoseok asking about the meat and Jimin asking a question or two about the veggies.

I couldn’t help my eyes from wandering to my nephew. He was obviously really into the game he was playing with Seokjin and Taehyung seemed invested in watching their match. The thing that really stuck out was one thing.

“Hey, Chim?”

“Yes?”

“…Where are the others?”

A big smile formed on his face.

“I told Jungkook that he was losing his touch in one of the games in the arcade, so that’s where he’s at. Seongmi and Linza are in their room. I was talking about how good a drawing of Seongmi’s was and Linza wanted to learn. Namjoon is in the library. ” He seemed proud of himself.

“So you basically manipulated everyone into staying away?” Jimin frowned.

He scooped up his cabbage to put into a bowl, “Well… It sounds wrong when you say it like that.”

It did sound a little wrong.

“Sorry! It did sound a little wrong now that I think about it. Thank you. I was worried that someone would try something while my nephew was here. You really helped.” I assured.

Jimin lit up once more, “We’re happy to help. Jin Hyung helped me talk to Jeongguk and Linza.”

We all fell into comfortable silence besides Seokjin battling it out in the living room with Taehyung and my nephew.

I couldn’t help but wonder how the next few weeks would progress. If I would be able to handle everything. All of my worries seemed to evaporate as soon as Taehyung scooped up my nephew to victory taunt Seokjin. Maybe I was reading too far into everything and these were small problems. Or perhaps I was starting to downplay them to feel better.

I needed to figure out how I was going to focus on work for the next upcoming days. The boys would, of course, be under Jason’s care. There was the situation of the power going out that I needed to follow up on with security in less than an hour.

I let out a sigh, they weren’t going to let me go peacefully until after dinner.

“Is something wrong, Princess?” Jimin asked softly, causing me to snap my head over to look at him.

Man, I was still not used to that.

Jimin’s concern caught the attention of Hobi, who stopped grilling to pay attention. Yoongi took the tongs from Hobi to continue the work. He seemed as disinterested as always.

“The, uh…” Should I explain or should I just tell them I couldn’t stay for dinner?

“If something is wrong maybe we can help.” Tae’s voice added, catching my attention.

He was leaning over the back of the couch, the concern and softness made me feel more inclined to tell the truth. Even Seokjin had paused the game, his body twisted around to look over towards me.

Now I had to.

“There was a problem at the company today.” I have in with a sigh.

“What kind of problem?” Jimin asked, putting down the knife.

“How serious is it??” Taehyung asked, his posture more alert to get up.

I quickly held my hands out, “The power went out in only the room with game developers. I’m having the right people look into it!”

“But?” Hoseok pressed.

“You’re worried?” Seokjin asked.

I nodded, “I am. It was ONLY the game department, ONLY the game developer room. I would’ve felt better if it were the whole floor or even the whole building. Someone targeted that department I just know it. I told them I would be there in an hour.”

Seokjin sighed and stood up, “I’m sure everyone will have it under control, your leader instinct is kicking in.” He smiled as he approached.

“But what if it’s some asshole trying to sabotage the game so we don’t have partners or investors and the whole game department is thrown out? People will lose their jobs! The company will take a financial hit!” I argued.

“Hyung, we should let her go, she does have a point.” Hoseok reasoned.

“We can pack her dinner to take with her. It’s her company, Hyung.” Taehyung jumped in.

Seokjin let out a groan and wrapped his arms around me, pressing the side of his face to my shoulder.

“Now you’re just being a big baby.” Jimin teased as he added the veggies into a wok.

“I’m older than you!”

“You don’t act like it.”

“Taehyung I’m your Hyung!”

“Not when we’re in the bunker.”

“How do honorifics not apply here?” I asked softly.

“Would you like for us to call you L/N-nim then?” Jimin smirked, continuing to cook like he wasn’t just calling me out.

I felt a small amount of heat go to my cheeks at the formality.

“Then no honorifics.”

“…To Seokjin at least.” Taehyung jumped in.

Seokjin stood up straight, I could feel the roast of the century radiating from inside of him.

“We’ll make sure to send her off with dinner. ” Hobi intervened.

“Send who off with dinner?” A melodic voice asked.

Seongmi had happily skipped into the room, upon entering she let out a small squeal. She put her hands over her mouth to try to muffle the sound. At first, I was confused but I followed her line of sight to see my nephew, slumped against pillows at Taehyung’s side. He seemed to be slowly slipping in and out of sleep.

Taehyung looked over to his side and a wide smile stretched on his face. Tae made a soft cooing noise before grabbing the throw blanket off the armrest and draping it over my nephew.

I tried to push away the thoughts of Taehyung being an amazing father and my growing heart to sigh.

“He didn’t even wait until dinner. He must've been so tired.” I frowned.

Seokjin let out his own sigh, “Okay, you can go after we pack you up dinner. I just don’t want you to overwork yourself.” His hand reached over to pet my head.

“Overwork? She’s barely been to work these past couple of days what do you mean?” Seongmi muttered.

“But she’s worked while she’s here,” Jimin stated, his voice having a small bit of irritation in it.

“Hardly. What do you think the owner of a company does? Just make decisions? She has papers to sign, branches to inspect. Meetings with not only staff but with partners, shareholders, even press meetings! She was far more involved before all of this!” Seongmi was clearly agitated.

“Seongmi? Is everything oka-” Jimin cut off my concerned question.

“Then she deserves a break don’t you think? She has other siblings who seem capable.”

“They have their own branches to manage! They have so much on their plate as it is, especially with their new push for games! She has to go. With or without your permission. She’s a grown woman, not a doll for you to play with.”

A heavy silence fell into the room. The weight was insane and it seemed like no one wanted to speak in fear of either Seongmi or Jimin popping off.

Okay, maybe I should deescalate this as much as possible right now.

As if reading my mind Suga let out a loud sigh, “You’re both burning dinner.” He grumbled as he went between Hobi and Jimin to push Jimin aside to lower the heat down on the wok and mix the veggies.

I made a mental note to thank Suga later before I spoke, “Seongmi, thank you for thinking about my feelings right now, but it’s okay. I’ll be sure to eat dinner and come back here before 3am. I hope to get as much work done as possible while I wait for the answer of the security cameras.” I could almost feel the air being thick with tension.

The way Seongmi deflated caused my heart to break. I bit my bottom lip to think of a compromise to make sure everyone was happy.

“Hey, Seongmi? Would you like any supplies? I feel like it’s unfair to bring you anything after all I’ve put you though. Maybe I could sneak into the animation room?” I suggested.

Seongmi’s eyes locked with mine in surprise. She quickly shook her head.

“I wouldn’t want you to get into trouble!” She stated quickly.

I unintentionally let out a giggle, “Get into trouble? With my own company? By the people I employ? I’ll get you a few thinks!” I smiled.

A light blush dusted Seongmi’s cheeks as she averted her eyes and nodded.

“While we’re all here and paying attention, I need someone to help me load the little gremlin on the couch into my car.”

“He’s not a gremlin!” Tae quickly defended.

“He’s not an angel.” Seokjin sighed.

I had ended up trusting Tae to help me load up Jeonghun. I pretty much held my breath as we walked up the stairs. Taehyung looked like he was in peak father mode. He held Jeonghun with one arm under him and one hand behind his head to keep him close as Jeonghun peacefully had his head on Taehyung’s shoulder. Taehyung’s face held the look of concentration as we tried to keep our pace swift, yet careful.

I quickly moved in front of them to open the door to the back seat. Once the door was open I opened up the passenger door to put the cooler bags of food on the seat and tried my best to close it softly.

Taehyung went the extra mile of getting to the car to position Jeonghun comfortably in the backseat. Once he climbed back out I closed the door as quietly as I could.

We both held our breath to see if he would spur. Once there was no movement we gave each other a quick high-five.

“I was afraid he’d wake up!” I let out the breath I was holding.

“Imagine how I felt! I was the one carrying him!” Tae chortled.

“Why do you think I didn’t WANT to carry him?” I giggled.

“Just use me and leave me, I see how it is.” He almost scolded.

“Aww, Tae! I love you though!” I teased and I leaned forward to hug him close.

“You love me, huh?” I could hear the smirk in his voice.

I jumped when his hands slid up my sides then to my back. He let out a sigh as he put pressure on my lower back to keep me flush against him.

The warmth that flooded my cheeks also flowed into my chest. I didn’t fight his touch and put my head on his shoulder.

As an unspoken language, Tae lightly nudged me and I automatically stepped back so my back was pressed to the cool car. He moved his hands to cup my face. Once I looked into his eyes it was game over. An endless pool of comfort welcomed me.

“Make sure to not overwork yourself, okay? Don’t let anyone rush you.” I only nodded.

“When you get home, I’ll be asleep in my room, don’t be afraid to come in, okay? I want to spend as much time with you as possible before Jimin tries to hog you.” I let out a small laugh.

“I doubt Jimin will steal me away.”

“Jimin would. He’s a little… Possessive when it comes to things he really likes.”

“Do you really like me too, Taehyung?” A small smile graced his lips.

“I told you. I like the crazy ones.” I get out an offended scoff and lightly pushed him away.

“I’m not crazy. I’m an intellectual.” I grumbled, turning to open the driver door.

Tae wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close so my back was flush against his chest.

“Seriously though, I want you to myself when you get home.”

“Okay, just don’t tell anyone else I promised you this or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Taehyung placed a few small kisses on the back of my shoulder that left tingles blooming on my skin.

“We’ll even sleep in. Lunch is better than breakfast.”

“Are you kidding? Seokjin would have my head!”

“…I want your head.”

“…Are you trying to make a dirty joke right now?”

“Only if it’s working.”

“…It might be.”

Tae let out a hum and slightly began to rock us side to side, “How about this? When you get home…” He began as he placed another small kiss on my shoulder, “I’ll let you climb on top of me…” He continued as he placed a kiss on the side of my neck, “And I’ll let you do whatever you please. It can be to sleep,” He kissed my jaw, “Or, I’ll let you use me.”

I whipped around, my face radiating dangerous amounts of heat, “YOU WHAT?” I demanded.

Tae quickly rushed forward to cover my mouth, “You’ll wake up Jeonggie!”

I began to smack at his hand repeatedly, wanting nothing but answers. However, as soon as Taehyung moved his hand, his lips took its place. It was quick and not at all boring though. Like he didn’t just introduce a completely crazy idea into our already weird relationship.

“Calm down. I’m only letting you know it’s an option!” He hissed.

“How are you so casual about this!? You’re an idol!” I hissed back.

“Not a nun!”

“Even hoes have a more subtle way with vocabulary and flirting!”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t still new to this!”

“Even rookies know you don’t just lay the ‘you can use me’ card on the table right off the bat!”

“Well, I’m straightforward!” I let out a groan.

“Now my face is hot!” I whined.

“So that means you WANT to use me.”

“STOPSAYINGTHAT!”

Arriving to the company was just as chaotic as I thought it would be. People were scattered around and rushing in a quick pace. Before I knew it my sister’s personal assistant took my nephew out my arms and my assistant was pushing me to my office.

The power outage had put us a few hours behind schedule and instead of managers just letting employees go after regular hours, they requested everyone work overtime. Which caused more chaos that you would think.

I quickly put up my hair and started getting to work. I was chewed out once or twice by a few older directors for not being in my office 24/7 but all in all people were just relieved I was fixing as much as I could as fast as I could.

About several stacks of documents and a few dozen calls into the night, my sister decided to show up.

“I understand that we’re behind schedule, but I can’t have you overworking employees saying that they HAVE to stay.” I scolded a manager from one of the broadcasting branches.

I quickly mouthed a quick ‘I’m almost done’ to my sister out of respect. She only waved me off as she took a seat on the loveseat and began to pour herself a glass of water.

“The Video Game Department does NOT affect the Broadcasting Department. If I see this kind of slip up again I WILL give you leave without pay. Do you understand? Goodbye.” I hung up and let out a deep groan.

“What was that about?” Jiann asked.

I sighed as I plopped myself on the opposite loveseat. I threw my folder on the coffee table, very done with the list of people to call and meet with.

“I got word that one of the managers in the Broadcasting Department was trying to use the overtime excuse to get extra work out of the employees.” I grumbled crossing her name off the list.

“Hmmm, maybe I should speak with them as well?” Jiann suggested.

I shook my head, “I handled it. You’ll only make them fear you.”

Jiann let out only a scoff in response. I leaned back in the loveseat and tried to relax.

“How was my nephew? Your secretary just whisked him away.” I asked, my head lulled back so I was looking up at the ceiling.

“Still asleep. His dad will be here to pick him up in half an hour. There is something else I wanted to talk about though.”

“And that is?”

“I know.”

I let out another sigh with a roll of my eyes, “Know what?”

“About the bunker.”

“Cool. So does Jae. And mom. And your son. And Jason.” My indifference was clear.

She made it seem like it was such a dark secret that I paid to get a bunker in the middle of nowhere.

“I also know about the nine people in there. The one’s the whole world are looking for.” My head snapped up to look at her.

I could feel cold spike at the back of my neck that was quickly changed into a slow burning fire in my chest. Like I had something to be defensive about, and the superior look on her face made it valid.

“This is what I think,” She began as she placed her glass on the table and picked up and empty one to pour me water.

“I think you should give up your place. Mom threw everything on us as soon as dad passed. You didn’t have time to be young and free. You let everyone go and I’ll gave our best legal team handle everything. You get away with this, you are cut free of the burden of owning the company and everyone is happy. I’ll keep you in charge of games so you’ll still be doing what dad asked of you.” She seemed to have a sparkle in her eyes as she spoke.

It was almost like she was thinking and fantazing this for longer that necessary. It only made the fire in my chest burn hotter.

“Jae and I will handle everything! What do you say?” She finished, holding out the glass of water.

I looked at her like she just told me the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Because she just did.

“I think you giving birth obviously fucked with your brain somehow. What possibly made you come up with that?” I let out a bitter giggle.

I could see the sparkle in her eyes vanished as the coldness arrose.

“What is wrong with you? I just gave you a way out! You committed several crimes and you’re looking at me like I’M the one in the wrong.” She slammed the glass down like that was about to intimidate me.

“You didn’t give me a way out, you gave yourself a way in. I’m not fucking stupid, Jiann.”

“This isn’t about me being power hungry or trying to fight for the top!”

“No. It isn’t. But it IS about your control. Your fucking pride. Ever since I was little you cared about other's opinions and I NEVER thought you would stoop this low.”

“You’re one to talk! You just kidnapped IDOLS.”

“I didn’t do it out of pride or control. I did it out of fucking impulse and recklessness. Something all CEOs have. Something you and Jae will never have.”

“Think with your head for once! If you get caught our company will be canceled! Our entire family business with crumble because of your stupid actions!” She was now yelling.

I could tell by the roughness in her voice that she was close to exploding, but I still wasn’t going to back down from this. It was my mistake and it was my company. It was mine to control and fix.

“I think it would be best if you just listened to your older sister and just stepped down with the offer I gave you!”

“And I personally couldn’t give a single fuck about what you think I should do. This is MY company. This is MY mistake. If you want to turn me in, then fine. Do it. In the end everyone will look at the company with distaste because family just destroyed family. It doesn’t matter if I was the CEO or not when it happened, you just threw your little sister to the wolves and told her to deal with it all because I ruined your image. Dad left this to me and ONLY me! You should be happy that I even LET you control what you do here! I'm not as weak as you make me seem and I'm not letting you take it from me. You make comments about Jae, but you're doing exactly what he would. If you're going to help do it out of the kindness of your heart and not because you want my spot. I would appreciate you leaving my office. Call me when you stop being a fucking child and start being a sister." I snapped and stood up to go to my desk.

“Are you serious!?”

“Deathly. Get out of my office.” I picked up the phone to make another call, dismissing her with the flick of my wrist like an asshole.

“We aren’t done talking!” She argued, now standing.

“Mrs.Han, yes, this is L/n F/n. I was calling about your manager.” I began as I walked over to my computer to pull up her file.

I knew Jiann wasn’t going to let it go as easy as I hoped. Maybe I could’ve been nicer or compromised, but something in my gut told me that it wasn’t what my father wanted and that I was meant for this role. One way or another I was going to prove it.

By time I got through at least eighty percent of the reply list, it was close to four in the morning. It seemed far quieter than it did when I came for my sister’s throat. People had mostly left, lights in the building were either off or dimmed. My fingers ached from the constant typing of emails and documents. I even had to make an announcement to have sent out and displayed to employees. I had my assistant, Hajun, begin to work on getting more security and look into better security companies.

With the ache in my fingers, neck and back I decided to call it night. I turned off my computer and lamp as I began to gather my things. As soon as I bit those who I saw I went straight to my car to go home. Only then did I see the bag of dinner that had been forgotten in the car.

I let out a groan and let my head rest on the steering wheel.

I felt bad for forgetting it, but I was too tired and stressed to be hungry.

But they made it themselves.

I frowned.

Maybe I could eat it quickly. Or at least half. Or I can lie and say I got busy and left it in my office.

I reluctantly opened the bag to find chopsticks and open the container.

The pleasant smell wafted into the car as soon as the container was open, but the first mouthful of food was a unsatisfying one. The flavor was good, but it had gotten cold. The noodles had gotten far too soggy to even pick up with chopsticks.

I knew that was mostly my fault so I made myself eat a good amount of it before closing it up and shoving it back into the bag.

Once I started up the car and turned on the radio I couldn’t help my mind from wandering.

Would my sister sell me out? Would she let any of this go? Did she hate me now?

By time I had parked at the bunker entrance I had fully convinced myself that my sister was going to turn me in and disown me.

I lifelessly unlocked the doors and locked them behind me. I tried to think positively and like I was the baddest bitch to run the company but I was now lost and felt betrayed.

I had to prove myself, but did I already ruin my chance? Did I already fuck everything up sp badly that my father would be disappointed.

Maybe it wasn’t a gut feeling that made me pop off on my sister but fear. Or entitlement.

I snuck into the bunker and down the hall. As soon as I found the right door I crept in and lifted the blanket to Taehyung’s bed and immediately slipped in. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face between his shoulderblades.

Maybe even this was completely wrong. I had just kidnapped him and his friends. I should be in jail. He should be disgusted. He should be angry.

“F/n? Did everything go okay?” Tae’s voice rough from sleep questioned quietly.

I only shook my head, holding him tighter like he would leave if I showed any weakness.

I felt his larger, warm hand place itself over mine as he let out a huff.

“Everything will be okay. Whatever happened, I’m sure you did the best you could. Just get some sleep, I promise to make it all better in the morning. ”

( Previous Chapter ) - ( Next Chapter : COMING SOON )

TAGLIST: @butterfliespoison @armycandy10 @krystle1990 @min-mingii @toddsgirl27

#bts poly au #bts ot7 x reader #bts yandere au #bts fanfic #bts angst #kim taehyung x reader #kim seokjin x reader #jung hoseok x reader #park jimin x reader #min yoongi x reader

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bringmecoffeeandroses · 6 years ago

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jaaryl

Oh, Lord.

Okay, let’s do this thing:

1. Who likes to sit in the other’s lap?

Paul, definitely.

He really enjoys the first few times he does it to Daryl when Daryl looks up at him like he can’t quite figure out how Paul got there from A to B but isn’t about to question it.

The first time he sits in Aaron’s lap, it’s almost alarming how red he turns. He…probably should have given him some warning, given the small, “Oh!” that came out of Aaron but the blush never really goes away, no matter how many times he does it.

2. On a cold day, who likes to snuggle up to the other?

SNUGGLE PILE.

No, really, these three snuggle all the time and I have many feelings on the subject.

Daryl is an actual touch-starved person. Like he puts on that it’s this big ridiculous thing that he’s only reluctantly apart of? No, that boy is the epitome of five-more-minutes and must-be-touching-most-of-your-person while cuddling.

Meanwhile, Paul is a firm outside-position-cuddler. This is partially because he doesn’t always tie his hair back in bed and there have been “incidents”…Mostly involving one of them eating or being tickled by his hair, but also one very special occasion where a hand got tangled. (Also, big spoon/Jetpacking!Paul is a wonderful thing.)

Then there’s Aaron, who is by far the best cuddler among them. He’s like a giant teddy bear,the easiest person in the world to receive/give physical affection from merely because he is so warm and concerned with how comfortable you are.

3. Who cooks the food and who does the dishes?

Daryl mostly cooks with Aaron occasionally taking a turn. Paul’s on dish duty.

4. How would they describe each other to loved ones who haven’t met their partner yet?

Paul (about Aaron/Daryl): Aaron’s the most considerate man I’ve ever been with. I mean, he’s gone through a lot but he’s really and truly one of the strongest and most gentle people I know. He deserves to be happy and I think…I think we do that for him. We try. Daryl is a little more complicated. He can seem pretty tough, like he doesn’t need anyone or anything, but it’s not true. He just…loves intensely and knows what it’s like to be the one left standing. That kind of love, it’s harder to understand, but once you do? You’re not gonna let it go. I won’t.

Aaron (about Daryl/Paul): Daryl’s a little rough around the edges but he’s also the most loyal man I know.He’s got good instincts about people and when he lets them in…they’re his. He’d die for his people in a heartbeat. You just hang on and accept it…and, if you’re Paul and I, you make him yours too. Paul has that kind of energy, you know. Peaceful. Mischievous. You talk to him for a few minutes and it’s the most comfortable you’ll ever feel around someone. He’s got a lot more going on though. It’s never difficult but you can see him making every effort to make it easy. It took a long time for him to feel comfortable enough to let things go and accept we were here for the long haul.

Daryl (about Paul/Aaron): They’re both fucking ridiculous, man. One day, after we’d gone on some scoutin’ mission north of Hilltop, Paul gives some idiot line about how, if one of us don’t come back, ain’ none of us comin’ back ‘cause we’re all ‘Ride or Die and Too Dumb to Fly’ and he and Aaron start laughing their asses off. S’pose that’s more Paul, he’s been a little shit from day one, but it was the first time I’d see Aaron really laugh since he lost Eric. Think that’s when I knew, lookin’ at the two of ‘em.

IDK where that Daryl one went, don’t mind me.

5. Who is more likely to kiss their partner on their forehead?

Aaron. He’s easily the most expressive between the three when it comes to kissing in public and it’s always small, sweet gestures like a forehead/nose kisses. However, though you definitely didn’t ask, Paul is a blatant cheek kisser – greetings, good mornings, “you look adorable” moments? You get a patented Paul Rovia cheek kiss and it is the sweetestthing.

6. Who makes a scrapbook of all their memories to give to their partner for a special event? Ex- anniversary, birthday, etc.

Aaron. Taking pictures is a thing with Aaron and, while he doesn’t take pictures of everything, you better believe he’s got a scrapbook already handy of the best part of his life with Paul/Daryl.

7. Where would they go to get away from everyone else and just be alone?

SCOUTING MISSIONS FTW!

8. Who would want to take cute pictures for Instagram?

Aaron, hands down.

9. Who would most likely call their partner, dude, babe and idiot, all in the same sentence?

I can’t see Daryl saying dude. Between Aaron and Paul, I lean towards Paul.

10. How do they let their loved ones know they are dating?

This one is harder for me to say because I don’t really have a headcanon for who hooks up first, Aaron and Daryl or Aaron and Paul or Daryl and Paul. But I guess one couple is already a couple in my mind and everyone is aware - if only by simple observation - that they are a couple before they propose a poly relationship with whomever that person is. At that point, maybe they explain themselves? For convenience sake?

IDK, or maybe they just decide not to give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

11. Who breaks out in a dance when they hear their favorite song and who joins their partner dancing no matter what they are currently doing?

If Paul is being a particularly light-hearted idiot and starts dancing out of the blue, Aaron is the easiest to convince to join. He’s kind of horrible at it - has all the dad moves that scream awkward white guy - but his eyes brighten and he throws himself into it without shame. Daryl, on the other hand, does not immediately jump in. However, leaving him on the sidelines is not an option that either Aaron or Paul like, so one or both if them will come over and grab his hand. He bitches and moans the whole way but eventually goes along with it because they’re happy and that’s reason enough.

12. If they each went to go buy an outfit for one another, what would they get?

I take your “boyfriends buy my outfit” challenge and raise you Aaron, Daryl, and Paul buying each other ugly Christmas sweaters. Like, the worst things imaginable. Paul’s has a picture of Jesus in a party hat, holding a candy cane with the words BIRTHDAY BOY written above him. Daryl has one with a stuffed, mounted deer head, a wreath around it’s neck and ornaments hanging from its antlers. Aaron’s, probably the best of them all, has a pair of well-proportioned ornaments with the words JINGLE BALLS written in glitter. (It also lights up.)

Up to you who gave which to whom.

13. Who still blushes when their partner compliments them?

Aaron, more than anyone. Not deep blushes but frequent pinks cheeks for him.

14. What memories do they share together that will stay with them forever?

Two men alone in a car with the smell of cigarette smoke and rotting corpses beating their hands on the outside, eyes locked in agreement as they decide together; sitting on the stairs, looking down at the familiar face behind a gun, and smiling; a man in quiet admiration in an open field as another man gives a well-placed kick that takes down three walkers, a grin present on the man’s face as he teases him; one man, on his knees with grief on an empty grave as another man sits next to him and pulls him close; two men across from him, both sounding certain and optimistic as resounding hope makes his stomach do somersaults; three men in bed with their limbs tangled, half asleep, still muttering drowsy I love yous and leaving kisses wherever their mouths land

15. Who would dedicate a song to their partner at a karaoke night? Bonus - what song would it be and why?

I’ve mentioned this before, but karaoke night is alllllll Paul (and possible Daryl if he gets drunk enough). I can just see them doing a duet of Hurts So Good by John Mellencamp and dedicating it to a very red and sober Aaron. (Sidenote, why is it always 80s music and Aaron?)

Thanks for the ask, sweets!

send me a ship

#JAARYL #Desus #Daaron #Jaaron #TWD #asks #send me things #ask meme

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ssironstrange · 6 years ago

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Aphobia in my fandom? Gtfo

I know I'm not the first and i won't be the last to address this. But since APPARENTLY (???)I'm one of the main Ironstrange blogs, i wanted to use that to my advantage to talk about this.

First and foremost, if you are an aphobe then unfollow me and fuck off. Secondly, I'm not ace and my knowledge is limited to what i’ve gathered from ace friends, but I'll be damned if i don't speak up for my ace babes after some of the things I've been seeing recently.

So let's start with the main issue here. There seems to be a severe misunderstanding of asexuality. Much like other sexualities it has variables. There are sex repulsed aces and sex positive aces and aces that fall somewhere in between. Just because one doesn't feel sexual attraction towards another person doesn't automatically mean they don't feel sexual desire, aka arousal. The two are not the same thing. Literally unless there are health issues involved, the body is always going feel arousal. That's what hormones do. Imbalances in hormones can cause increase and decrease in levels of arousal, but the capability will always be there. That said, some aces enjoy masturbating and sex because they feel good. You don't have to be sexually attracted to a person to enjoy sex. (I've slept with my fair share who i had NO attraction towards but they were what was available and i was a horny and experimental college student) and some aces would rather never touch themselves or another person that way and will just let the arousal pass. Some aces don't like sex but like pleasuring their partner. Some are a mixture of a little of everything. Some it may literally just depend on their mood of the day. So, yes, an ace person can be in a sexual relationship. But SEX IS NOT THE ONLY FACTOR OF A RELATIONSHIP!!!! i say this as someone about as far from being ace as possible. Y'all know me. I'm a thirsty bitch ALWAYS. I love smut and porn and everything nsfw. But I'm going to let y'all in on a side of my personal life i tend to keep pretty private. I have a bad relationship with sex IRL. I suffered many years of sexual abuse as a child which fucked up my whole mentality about sex that I'm still working through 20 some odd years after the fact. On top of mental hangups, I've had physical issues with it severe enough to require surgery. My s/o and i might have sex once a month or once every other month, and most of the time its because i want to make him feel good, not because i want it myself. It's a very slow process of retraining my brain’s pathways back to sex = good and fun rather than sex = bad and pain. And by slow i mean out of the 9 years we've been together, over 5 years have been this way. So don't fucking tell me you can't have a meaningful relationship without sex. If that's the deal breaker then ya might need to reevaluate yourself. Yes, it can be very important but its not the only thing that is important.

Now, like EVERYONE, aces come in many flavors of romantic preferences. Aro, pan, poly, demi, homo, het, ect ect. Some aces have no desire for sex or romance, but instead have deep meaningful friendships or love of the non-romantic variety. Some aces are the opposite and want ALL OF THE RELATIONSHIPS(hello my fellow polys) but may or may not want any sex involved. Romantic attraction is not sexual attraction.

Aces can still be very affectionate, very cuddly, very touchy. Some may be completely okay with naked but non-sexual spooning and touching (non-sexual intimate touching is a very healthy thing to practice for any relationship if you aren’t touch-adverse), some can still gladly dirty talk, some can flirt even better than non-aces, some still enjoy reading about sex because it’s a. not about them and b. theres a big difference in what you conjure up in your head vs. the actual thing. From my understanding, aces are mainly focused on the emotional aspects. They’re happy if their partner is happy.

So. If your "ace" headcanons are anything other than actually being ace, stop. typical reasons ace headcanons that are not fucking ace.

Being dedicated to work/duty and "not having the time for personal needs"

Wanting a reason to exclude a person from a ship and making that person ace out of convenience

A character being stoic, hard to read, not talkative, or standoffish

A character who isn’t particularly affectionate or touchy

Making an underaged character ace just to prevent shipping with older characters (while done with good intentions, still is not ace)

Being aro (You can be aroace but aro is about the romance, not sexual attraction.)

Using asexuality as a plot device is not acceptable.

Using asexuality to fight against a ship is not acceptable.

Fetishizing asexuality by making them naive to the point of childish is not only unacceptable but a fucking insult. (Yes, curiosity is bound to happen. experimenting is going to happen, but unless they’ve literally been secluded from other human beings and without access to technology at all, they’re going to have all the same information everyone else does)

Ace babes, you are valid and your actual ace headcanons and ships are valid. And if anyone tells you otherwise they're just ignorant assholes that can unkindly fuck right off :)

#asexuality #aphobes fuck off #ace #i'm not even ace and #some of the things i've seen #have pissed me off so much #feel free to add your thoughts ace babes #i'm sure i missed a few good points #sorta personal too oops

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iwantasecretgarden · 6 years ago

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Dear Misty,

@mercedeslackeyblog - please print this for her in the hospital! I want her to know we all love her and are rooting for her.

You have been one of the icons in my life for as long as I’ve been reading. Seriously. I picked up “Arrows of the Queen” when I was twelve and fell dizzyingly in love. So in love, in fact, that my father bought me the set of them leatherbound. It was one of the last things he ever bought me. They sit on my shelf with me wherever I move to (and I have moved a lot). They are the epitome of my childhood.

How do I even begin to explain what you have meant to me? I wrote you a fan letter in my teens, but I don’t think it ever reached you. Websites were less...polished then. I tried to find a copy to see what I had said, but I don’t have it anymore, so I’ll write this from scratch.

First off, for someone growing up in the 90s, sexuality was a difficult topic. My father was Catholic about it. My mother was liberal about acceptance, but not very liberal about giving us the tools to recognize it. I didn’t really accept the fact I was bi until I was 26 (last year). It was an embarrassing realization, because I had always been conditioned to already think women were interesting and cool and beautiful. But I honestly and truly believe one of the reasons I grew up being so tolerant of sexuality wasn’t my mother’s liberal attitude, but because of the fantasy I read, which didn’t use sexuality as a dramatic plot device. Your books, especially, in depicting queer relationships, poly relationships, and interracial relationships in such an ordinary light, in such a non-complaining, non special, non interesting way (as it should be!) that to me it became ordinary. I didn’t understand the big fuss when people started coming out in eighth and ninth grade. Well of course Brett could like boys. Silverfox did, and he’s one of my favorite characters, a fictional hero who I use to help combat my own anxiety and work through impossible situations. I didn’t understand why liking girls was so shocking. Keren was the impossibly cooler most perfect big sister/coach figure. I was into horse back riding until 16 (when, unfortunately, my horse died). Keren has a lot of the surly riding instructor in her, and it was a far more interesting aspect of her personality than her relationship with Sheri. Keren had even assured Sheri she would have been welcome as their third. As a kid, it hadn’t even occurred to me to make an argument against it. I - Talia’s age - agreed with her. When life gives you child brides and weird cult compounds, it’s better to find love where you can. Genuine love. Regardless of anything else.

Secondly, it was a book I needed when I didn’t know I would need it. A lot of fiction - especially geared at children - skates lightly over topics of depression, anxiety, and loss. Don’t get me wrong, I love Harry Potter with my soul. But even at the age I read it I felt the shallowness of their reactions when Sirius died. I felt my own reaction even crying while reading the book to be stronger. It would infuriate me that the next book they sort of conveniently forgot it had only been a few weeks/months. That Harry was “sad but manageable.” For context, my dad contracted Lou Gehrig’s disease at 44. They told him he had likely already had the disease 10 years. He lost everything; his temper, his dignity, bits of his mind at a time. Any filter between his brain and his mouth. His fine motor control, like holding a spoon. His major motor control, like being able to stand up. He was in a powerchair within the year. As the oldest daughter, it was expected that I would help turn him, change his catheter, and answer his shrill screams in the night. I was fourteen years old.

Dad and I were inseparable. Father-daughter relationship compounded by the fact he had, in essence with a flexible work schedule, been a stay at home dad. He had been my primary caregiver, my confidante, my chef, my advisor, my everything. And now I was his punching bag as he lost a bit of himself at a time. “My friend, who’s a psychiatrist,” Mom always said it this way, to make sure we knew she wasn’t so weak as to need therapy. A challenge to dare us to say we did. “He says that he’s hardest on you, because he’s most assured of your love. That he can abuse you and scream at you and curse at you because he knows you’ll go back the next day. A moth to a flame.” And me staring blankly at her: “Of course I will.” Because even if it was my worst fear - it was, always had been - even if it hurt worse than I could have ever imagined - his death would have broken me, but only in half. His suffering crushed the pieces of me into dust and left me a gaping black thing sucking in the world - “I love him too much to miss a moment of this.” Even if every minute - every possible second - was me reminding myself I had to breathe and feeling my lungs on fire, my head was on the edge of a migraine, it was impossible to interact, but I had to. I had to smile. To go to high school. To turn in assignments on time regardless of the cost between going to bed at 2 and hearing him scream at 3.

Your books, though, weren’t fake. I held onto them with the assurance of that one quote: life is the scream into the void; art is the answer you are not alone. I held onto the depression and grief and trauma of your characters and felt sane. If I hadn’t, I might have thought I was losing my mind. I was, of course. And I had been conditioned Catholically to think of mental health as a weakness, a secret shame. I had been told by my mother psychologists and medication were wonderful advancements for those people; sick people. Sick in their mind, she would say smugly. Her adamant assurance was: “We have to go on like usual. We can’t let people know we’re struggling.” And so we did. Social events. Big smiles. Sleepovers (somewhere else, my friends explained, your dad bums us out). People didn’t find out he was dying until prom of my senior year. I was on the receiving end of a lot of horror from teachers (why didn’t you tell us? Ask for an extension?) I had to be normal I wanted to tell them, but I didn’t even know how to begin to explain.

Once a pediatrician told my mom I was deeply angry and tired; I was losing my father. I was fifteen. I needed to see a counselor. My mom went ballistic in a public waiting room. She aggressively turned to me and asked if this was true? There was no chance, of course, for me to disagree. I didn’t even want to. My loyalty to my family was (is) so strong that seeing anyone upset her so badly had put my back against the wall and made me bare my teeth. I reflect a lot on it now; how poorly that doctor handled it, the way she would have bungled it much worse if it had been physical abuse. You never confront the person in front of the child. Never don’t have a safety plan in place.

“She said you were so young,” my mother snarled on the way home. “When we both know you haven’t been young in years. I watched you. Watched you go from fifteen to twenty in months instead of years. Don’t you think?”

I could only nod, and when I covered my mouth, fingertips touched wet skin. I hadn’t been young in years.

Darkwind was someone I identified heavily with. Someone who changed his name, cut his hair, let his grief consume him. Someone who shied away from Silverfox’s help. Someone who was glad when his father still got some. The day of my dad’s funeral, I cut off my hair. I was 19. The nightmare had lasted five years. I had stayed home to go to a local college so I could keep living at home, keep shielding my younger sisters, keep driving them to school and viola practice and karate. I had to give up my extracurriculars early on (and lie, of course, on my applications). It was actually a disaster at the hair cutting place (not important, but the lady called the police thinking I had stolen her cell phone which had fallen behind some tools). I went home. My mother took one look at my hair and told me it made my face look fat. “It’s for Dad,” I said steadily. In my mind, I was howling like Darkwind. I wondered if I could break my name into grief and sorrow, but it was too hard to think of the name I might have been, since the person I had been was as dead as dad was.

On days where my two younger sisters were scared and confused (the youngest was 13 when he died), I read them The Fairy Godmother and One Good Knight. They liked that one especially well. I went on to absorb almost all of your works (I think it’s impossible though, to be honest. There are just so many that either you’re a witch or I keep reading the same ones again and thinking I’ve never read them. For instance, I have a Bard Song on my nightstand right now from a bargain bin. Never read it before. Recently read Four and Twenty Blackbirds). Of course, my favorite series was Valdemar. I know all those characters the best, having reread most of them over again several times. I liked Elemental Masters, 700 Kingdoms (some). I was sad that the Beauty & the Beast stories in both weren’t my favorites (The Fire Rose, Beauty and the Werewolf, since it’s my favorite Disney film (but as your stories follow the traditional fairytale a little closer, and that tale is a bit gross, I understand). I think my favorites were The Firebird, Phoenix and Ashes, Reserved from the Cat, The Wizard of London).

Honestly, I may be a tiny minority, but I ADORE Joust. I was sad there weren’t more of them. I spent much of the time I read them inventing my own dragon egg, my own falling through time and space. My own female girl rider takes on the Team without being just a sidekick who talked to animals. It is hard to recommend or talk about it without people laughing, and I appreciate it IS an incredibly hard-core nerd fantasy genre (ancient Egypt, jousting, dragons). It feels a lot like Anne McCaffery crossed with a Naomi Novik story (since Temeraire and Napoleonic Wars are equally hard-core nerd stories. I was lucky to stumble on that line recently - I feel like there’s not enough of the true blue 80s/90s fantasy voice anymore. Sometimes it feels all too dark and plot driven, lacking the characters and slice of life that your works have nestled in my heart, places like the Palace Compound that I know as well as I knew my middle and high schools. A place as real to me as they are, including my own room. My own Companion. My own Heraldic Whites when I turned 18 and took the leatherbound books from my father in an eyestinging rush of love.

Even now when I was looking up a list of your work, I’m amazed and appalled to see I haven’t caught any of your works since 2009 or so. HOW MANY ARE THERE 100? 200? I thought there were 70 something, but no, you’ve far outstripped yourself. I usually pick up the books in secondhand shops. I’ll go straight for “L” and then just tip all of them into my arms if I haven’t read them. It’s one of my favorite rainyday activities. I noticed you even have a book out this year! CRAP! It should not be POSSIBLE you can write faster than I can read! I’m 27 and I still read a lot of the books that came out when I was born or in diapers. Sometimes I wonder which books you’ve written are your favorites. If there are books you’ve written you skim through like “hmmm I don’t even remember this” and read it with the same laughing intensity as the rest of us, resting your thumb on “oh yes, this was when I was...”

Anyway. I know this letter is long. You’ve been a saint for even getting this far. So let me say this. When I think of the BEST writers of fantasy in the 20th and 21st centuries, your name is among the greats. I’ll say something like: Anne McCaffery’s Dragonriders of Pern; Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game; Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time; Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar...and EVERYTHING ELSE. A lot more people know the names of George R.R. Martin, of J.K. Rowling, of Neil Gaiman. But none of them have put out the solid, unending stream of work that literally POPULATES what most people consider “fantasy.” Your ideas, your work, your world-building influence television, influence Dungeons & Dragons, other works. You are a Giant in your field, and even if you don’t feel it, you have laid the groundwork for an entire generation to lay themselves reverently on the altar of your sacrifice, your reflection of relationships, and taught young girls like me what it was to embrace themselves, in all shapes - black tar and bi pride.

I know you probably tire of hearing this, but I want to be an author. And I’m a good writer. I don’t say it boastfully. I say it as something I’ve always heard, from teachers and friends and magazines. But mom said being an author was like being an actor - a pipe dream, a thing to do “on the side” and “as a hobby.” And it is a hobby of mine, for now. I did the Responsible Thing and became a lawyer. It was quite horrible. But I did it. For Dad, you know. Legacy and all that.

But don’t you DARE die before I’m published. I’m not talking about the hospital right now. I’m talking about choking on a banana; slipping on the sidewalk; getting mobbed by adoring fans. It is literally my bucketlist to publish a book, to meet you, to dedicate the book to a woman who I’ve never met, who I’ve never known, but who had influenced and impacted my life SO profoundly I consider her characters as pieces of myself. Her worlds as places of safety when I’m sad. The helping hand she held out to a twelve year old girl, and fifteen years later the one I’m still gripping tightly.

YOU are one of the best women in my life, and one of the best role models I’ve ever known. Even if we’ve never met, knowing that you could be a deeply nerdy human who loves horses and magic and reading every day and still be “successful” when the world outside told me I dressed wrong and looked wrong and felt wrong. That I needed to pick up a magazine, or watch sitcoms, or generally stop making them feel pitying and uncomfortable because of the things I liked. You made me proud to be a feminist, an ally, a writer, a dreamer, a reader, and maybe only lately of my sexuality, but still growing and going forward.

So, here’s lots of love and adoration and gratitude flooding your way from:

One herald (whose companion was someone she knew in real life reincarnated too early, obviously grove born, with mindspeech, with magic, of course and lifebonded with a Kestra'chern. Predictably, I fought the lifebonding every step of the way, and consider him a great nuisance).

One dragon rider in the jousting wars (with a dragon named Altaira (high flying) who is such a deep dark color she seems black but ripples cobalt and violet).

One grateful apprentice to the Fairy Godmother, who herself was saved from one of a great many plots by the impetus of her father’s illness/death.

And of course, from one persnickety lawyer in DC, drowning in student loan debt and of course too many books, one cat too pretty to be a boy named Gandalf, and his Greyhounds (yes, two, who are very lowkey and I think you would like. They’re like large sleeping cats more than dogs, but very friendly with horses). Of course I named the cat Gandalf simply for the introduction of “Gandalf, the Greyhounds.” Originally I wanted to name a dog “Gandalf...the Greyhound” but because of who I am I went to the shelter and asked for the dog least likely to get adopted and sort of came out with a bonded pair and then it seemed they needed twin names so they’re named Fred & George after Harry Potter.

But rambling aside, I adore you. I adore your books. I adore the world you’ve given freely for us to play in. Get well soon, and lots, lots, and lots of love. I’ll be playing in my worlds today especially a lot, thinking of you.

All the best,

Kaylee

#mercedeslackeyblog

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kenjkats · 7 years ago

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That OOC Liam Thing

LOL okay welcome to another one of my long ass TED talks bc I’ve seen responses to this thing and I just wanna say stuff, I’m a rambly person if you haven’t noticed. Also bc I LOVE Liam because of how kind and loyal he is and seeing this as something he would do in CANON even if it’s an alternate universe where you say no (I said yes, obviously), makes me CRINGE, and judge him, because wtf this isn’t my Liam lmao. ANYWAY.

So the situation in question is Liam offering still being together with MC even in a sexual/friends-with-benefits way while they are with their chosen LI during the diamond scene after his proposal. You can see screenshots here.

First of all, I’m not telling you I am 100% right, feel free to tell me something I said here is wrong and why. I’m not raving mad at people who said things and whatever, I’m just still so SHOOK by this character development I need to talk about it lol. This is me opening a discussion.

The first and most obvious problem with this is that it is jarringly out of character for Liam. The whole time the story made it out as Liam being totally in love with MC, wanting to marry her because not only would she be a good queen, but it’s a rare opportunity for him to marry for his country and for himself. It was greatly emphasized that he loved her, and that this wasn’t common, and (at least for me, correct me if I’m wrong) there were a lot of implications that he and other LIs, would have wanted exclusivity. I say this because there’s dialogue of Liam saying he wants only you, or you being able to tell Drake you don’t care about the King and just him etc.

The whole situation is very off-putting, to say the least. PB set Liam up for maximum pain by only allowing fans to reject him and tell him the truth right when he was down on his knee and proposing. Not even one moment before when they saw the ring, no, they made MC the jerk and watch him get on his knee and ask first. Then they make him the bigger guy by letting him be accepting of you and your LI. The whole setup was bad enough for Liam, but then the way the proposal of this arrangement is set up is also problematic:

Liam is put in a desperate light. As if this man who has his pride and self-respect throws it out the window because he will take any piece of this woman he loves even if it’s just the sex. And it goes against what PB has written him to be like.

He is also put in kind of an asshole light. He proposes a side thing/polyamory without the consent of the third party who is a friend to BOTH of them btw.

And if you’re like me who was under the impression that the King was about exclusivity with you, and so were the other LIs, then this feels dirty. He would ask you to willingly cheat on them with him? After saying he’s happy for you guys and that his friends found love? No. That’s weird.

Some say MC is also painted in a bad light because she has these choices, but since kissing him, having sex with him, and accepting the duchy is all up to the player and not forced default dialogue, this is free and I have no judgement.

In the end this will be MESSY. Story-wise and development-wise. It’s difficult enough for them to balance out these LIs, they added Maxwell in, and now they’re going to add this branch where you have two? It’s potentially A LOT of drama that would be very different in dialogue compared to a playthrough where you stuck with one.

You would have Liams getting married to him, still friends with everyone else; or choose Drake/Hana/Maxwell, deal with Bertrand, be happy with them, Liam is still happy for you; and then what? this third one where you’re trying to get everyone to agree to poly, there’s drama because I would find it hard to believe everyone agrees to that just out of nowhere*, you potentially hurt the LI you didn’t consult before sleeping with Liam? Then in book 3 what does this mean? Liam will still flirt with you even when you chose someone else?

*About polyamory. I won’t pretend to know how this works because I’m a monogamy girl, but as someone in the comments pointed out, and this makes sense to me, this kind of relationship can work, but for certain kinds of people, and Liam and Hana AT LEAST, don’t seem like those people. Also because shouldn’t everyone have agreed first before you even have the option to sleep with Liam? Even if this is a step into diversifying relationships in Choices by adding polyamory, it’s still sketchy AF because of how it would be set up.

My thoughts on this shift to the developers BECAUSE it’s so OOC, you can’t help but look at the creators, not the characters.

I believe that this is a diamond grab and this infuriates me. There was no build-up or previous mention that this was a “thing” in Cordonia and the scene was written with Liam just casually, “oh you know, by the way, conveniently enough it’s a thing here so it should be okay.” Like that detail was way too convenient and not set up properly enough for me to accept it as actual world building, and looks to me like a randomly inserted not-so-fun fact to justify them asking for diamonds with a sex scene.

You would sacrifice the integrity of the character you built up over 2 books, that fans adored for his personality, by making him do something OOC when he throws his self-respect out the door and be so desperate for any piece of MC, just so you can slip in this diamond scene, with the hopes that you earn some money from those who would take it. Pretty greedy if you ask me. If you guys wanted a diamond scene offered regardless of player choice then like others suggested in the comments you could have:

1. Let players tell him earlier that morning that you wanted someone else. It was pretty clear he was going to propose, should’ve done it before he took you out and got on his knee. Then go tell the other LI and give them a diamond scene. That way you have all LIs have a diamond scene in the chapter. You still get your money, rejected King or no.

2. Or, should’ve kept the diamond scene friendly when you told him no. I find it hard to believe someone like Liam written to be THAT in love with MC to be accepting of rejection then okay enough emotionally to have sex with her right after. Like him being accepting is in character, but I imagine him being so traumatized by all of this like wtf? As a Liam romancer, it feels soooo iffy knowing he would do this because it raises questions about his love for MC.

Comments I’ve seen and my take:

1. He was fine with the Madeleine arrangement no surprise he’d be okay with this.

These two are completely different things. Even if it was iffy that he was asking you to be his side-chick, the circumstances allowed for it to be not so bad, morally. Liam was forced to pick Madeleine, he was trapped in an arranged marriage. Madeleine proposed the arrangement, thereby giving her consent to it. Liam offers this to you because he loves YOU, and has the hope that his arrangement with Madeleine won’t last. And if you continued dating Liam then MC consented to it.

Consent is present in all parties involved. The setup occurs because they want to be together and in love despite an arranged marriage in their way, and there was hope for a future where it wasn’t in their way. MC brings up (or is this a dialogue option I don’t remember) in several diamond scenes that if he does end up marrying Madeleine, they would have to talk and most likely end things.

This one with Liam x MC x other LI is messy. The third party has no chance to be consulted before you can sleep with Liam which just sets up this alternate route filled with potential drama that is so different from how peaceful the others are set up to be after this chapter. MC and Liam are not trapped in anything. This would be a choice to cheat on third LI together (if you view this as a monogamy then friends-with benefit offer rather than potential poly.) The whole “having a side piece with the one I love” factor in the first arrangement doesn’t fit here. In this scenario MC loves other LI, not Liam, and having him as a side piece is just MC wanting more sexytimes and frankly SO MEAN after rejecting his love and proposal already ENOUGH MC.

2. I read a post by @littleredroseonthevalley here, talking about how these societies do tend to have these cultures of side chicks and side dudes.

The thing is I would agree and let it go if this was established earlier on. But I had only seen this into play in TRR when Liam says Madeleine proposes this, and it was a situation of marry for duty, be with the one you love in private. Also again, there was the hope that this was TEMPORARY.

Just all the points I’ve brought up so far. It’s OOC for Liam, it’s very messy development-wise, like how is PB going to handle all these LI branches when they get situational too? And how this tidbit was very casually slipped in at a moment where knowledge of it made it okay for you to sleep with him even when you wanted someone else.

#LOL THIS IS PROBABLY A MESS #king liam the sexy #trr #thoughts #rambling #playchoices #discourse #???#yes i'm butthurt i'm having a crisis the man i'm marrying would throw his pride away just for MC #like yes its a game and i dont care THAT MUCH but this made me feel iffy as hell i needed to ramble bc pb wtf #also im still bumming at my moms so i have all this time to care about fictional people LOL #whatever im still marrying your kingky ass liam

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unscramblingtheliberalarts-blog · 7 years ago

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Aydelotte’s Social Media Weather Report: Niche in Small Liberal Arts Colleges

I’ve been compiling posts that contribute to popular discourse about the insularity of small liberal arts colleges. Their “nicheness” has for the most part on Tumblr received praise. For some, the liberal arts college “bubble” ensures a safe space that galvanizes, not stymies, spiritual growth:

oceansofbliss:

I just want to go back to my liberal arts college where everyone is nice and no one is very discriminatory and I live in a happy bubble of accepting joy

(emphasis added)

gryffindored:

the family that i created through my theatre degree in a small, liberal arts school in new england will never cease to amaze me. in times of tragedy, we are always pulling together and making magic happen.

(emphasis added)

theprettypatriot:

But my private school of less than 2000 is where I learned who I was and what I stood for. I figured out that life was absolutely what you made it, and that at the end of the day you are solely responsible for your happiness. I learned that losers quit when they’re tired and winners quit when they’ve won. Most importantly, I learned that it wasn’t your failures, but how you responded to them that defined you.

(emphasis added)

dandelionbreaks:

“The purpose of a university is to engage in dialogue, debate, and exchange ideas in order to try and come to some meaningful conclusion about an issue at hand. Not to shut ourselves off from ideas we find threatening.” — Charles Negy, Professor, Says Students Showed ‘Religious Arrogance And Bigotry’ In A Letter Later Posted On Reddit, emphasis added

Other students spoke of how liberal arts college’s insularity and small class size was a real and significant factor in the college decision-making process:

sunnystrong:

When conducting my college search, I looked for small liberal arts colleges (because I prefer smaller class sizes, and more interactions with professors) with a strong biological science or neuroscience programs (because I want to study those subjects), and Mount Holyoke ended at the top of my list. (emphasis added)

whatcomesnextisstrange:

Calvin’s general population tends to be the sheltered kind that don’t get out enough to really understand the real world, though as they spend time on Calvin’s campus I hope that that is changing. The students that come that don’t have the Dutch CRC background are slowly making differences, whether it be because the discussions they get into tend to be more political or philosophical, or that the general population of the United States is just getting more and more depressed and therefore hopefully more and more introspective.

... I’ve found great people here, not necessarily the people my parents thought I would find of course, their idea of a good friend is basically a robot anyways.

(emphasis added)

marilyns-child:

Then one day, while I was struggling with my decision between the two, I asked my mom for advice... She told me to apply to our local state university for two years and then I could transfer to a liberal arts college. We fought for days over it, but I eventually gave in.

I never made it to the liberal arts college.

...

I lasted a year and a half in college, following everyone else’s dreams for me. I took sixteen credit hours, worked two jobs, and started on a downward spiral that ended with me crying in a professor’s office, telling him I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t continue on. I was drunk, my hips were bleeding from having cut myself, and I hadn’t eaten in two days. By then, I had changed my degree to English ( “You can be a teacher!”) and there wasn’t a second of college I liked. I was miserable in a state school of thousands of students, being taught by professors who didn’t know me, and studying something I didn’t want to.

...

Sometimes, most of the time, following the money isn’t the answer. Following your heart often is.

(emphasis added)

Several posts delved into how the culture of insularity allowed for more open discourse about sexuality and pornography:

chongthenomad:

the awesome thing about the college I go to is that during one of my classes we were playing two truths and one lie and one girl was listing off the facts about herself and the last thing she said was that she was a stripper, and it turns out she actually was one but the thing is no one had any weird or disgusted or creepy looks on their faces, everyone just smiled and nodded and our amazing teacher even asked her where she worked and then she smiled at her and told her how convenient her job was since the strip club was not too far from campus and wow i really love my school

cyandie:

not being in the insular bubble of liberal arts school for several months now has made me even more vitriolicly opposed to porn because i forgot how average ppl really just talk about it and are so unopen to negotiating why [the industry is] heinous! ...

On the other hand, the same “nicheness” that was praised for bringing about a close-knit community also garnered criticism. Some posts touched upon the “liberal,” “left-ist,” “socially mindful/sensitive” stereotypes of people in liberal arts colleges:

surfcommiesmustdie:

one of my brothers teaches poli-sci at a small liberal arts college in illinois and my dad was telling me he went full cultural marxist. he used to focus on latin american politics but now he’s knee deep in gender stuff and other assorted social justice crap.

i advised disowning him

snout:

person: *holds elevator door open for me*

me: lmaoooo wow, virtue signaling much…? i bet you think youre just SUCH a good person. Oh sorry, did i trigger you? LOL. tough shit, the real world isn’t just a big liberal arts school. uhhh yeah, I’ll take the stairs, THANKS. 😏

Other critiques possessed a less facetious vein, noting the ironic social alienation that such insularity produced:

no-identity-land:

Honestly I’d so love to try and find some new friends or something more through an app or site like Her or Tinder or something, but my campus is ridiculously small and in the middle of nowhere, and my self-esteem can’t handle the thought of rejection (and the inevitability of having to see one of these people all the time on campus) so I’ll just pretend that I’m the one choosing to stay single and save myself the embarrassment lol

(emphasis added, Tagged: lgbt, gay, lesbian)

man-of-prose:

“This is what the real, no-bull- value of your liberal-arts education is supposed to be about: How to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default-setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone, day in and day out.” - David Foster Wallace, emphasis added

Another crucial criticism was the lack of access to the general public about academic theory that such insularity inexplicably reinforce:

hedevitoanditsown:

college/academia and various sub-cultures (punk, metal, regional cultural destinations like Portland, etc.) should not be the only avenues for which we recruit people into radical spaces. ... put your theory into practice and teach people the value of solidarity, mutual aid, etc. these people won’t take communism seriously until you divorce the cold-war rhetoric from the reality. starting up food not bombs in your liberal arts college town full of upper middle class liberals isn’t going to get us very far (not that feeding people who are vulnerable is a bad thing).

...

i think in order for the left to succeed, we need to overcome two major hurdles:

we need to make our theory less confusing and more accessible (breaking news: academia isn’t appealing to a lot of people and neither is theory that’s barely comprehensible. people have more important things going on in their lives, like putting food on their table and caring for their kids/families, than to try and figure out wtf derrida was saying)

we need to actually put our theory into practice (at least the stuff we can immediately, like we don’t need a full-scale revolution to practice mutual aid and democratic decision-making, etc.) and use it to HELP people who actually need it. think black panthers pre-COINTELPRO. because as we’ve seen the political elites of BOTH parties have left the working classes out in the cold to starve, they’re scared and irrational, so fascism is a logical leap for these people.

(emphasis added)

inqilabi:

Women participate in their own silencing. That’s the tragic part. Our own self regulation. We are raised to silence ourselves, become smaller, less visible. Then when women become feminists, you see the same crap… Except it’s got some name of some theory attached, and it’s taught in liberal arts schools or what have you.

Insularity is clearly a multi-faceted topic in discourse about liberal arts college culture on Tumblr. Small class sizes are praised for fostering an often intimate, sympathetic community and opening academic discussion about publicly stigmatized subjects, such as sexuality and porn. Yet, the “nicheness” generated from a tightly knit population does not prevent experiences of social exclusion or loneliness, which students (in this case from the LGBTQIA+ community) have found themselves struggling with. Nor does it solve the issue of general inaccessibility to sociopolitical theory and academics taught in higher education.

#liberal arts education #Swarthmore #liberal arts college #liberal arts #Aydelotte #Aydelotte foundation #Swarthmore College #weather report #Amy #insularity #nicheness #social alienation #small class size #sexuality

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allahisanastronaut · 7 years ago

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ranty shitpost about my ~lifestyle and identity~ feels

OKAY SO i’ve always been a pretty private person so it’s still kind of weird to me to be /slightly/ out (to friends, my grandma, people who make sense to know) and I’m still trying to figure out what I’m comfortable with and how I like to identify and all that fun confusing shit. I’m real proud of the progress I’ve made with accepting myself and the feelings I have for who I am and what they are. I’m proud that I’m a genderqueer queer in two committed polyamorous relationships with two fucking amazing people who have helped me love myself and who have taught me things about myself, themselves, the world, life itself, that I never would have gotten on my own. I’m so fucking grateful and lucky that I have the wonderful people in my life who encourage me to live my truth, but there are also those assholes who like to heckle and belittle me and make me feel bad about the choices I’ve made for myself, so I’m still working on being comfortable in public with that identity. It depends on the day, but I’m usually pretty cool with how I present - it makes work really easy because I look like a straight lady, I pass really well. On other days, I hate the way I present and how I’m stuck in this presentation, because I’d feel better in a beanie rocking a short cut with a flannel and some beat up jeans. Now I’m just babbling, but hey, sneak peek into the daily struggle.

So this has been rattling around in my brain for a while now, but it’s been on my mind more and more since the beginning of the month and especially after the lil getaway I got to go on to Philly with Alyce. Before I left, I went to a party at my bud’s house. It started raining so we all ran inside to continue our bullshit in a drier place. So I’m chillin on his couch next to another friend (who is poly and bisexual and has been super open about these things from her beginning which I totally respect but more on that later) and we’re just chattin, I was more listening to what was going on around me, WHEN another person I know (she and I used to be close but we haven’t been close in years) comes up to the both of us on this couch (and at this point in time, only like a handful of people at the party know I’m queer and poly) AND SAYS, “so which of you ladies am I going to be making out with tonight?” and I just stop, my heart plummets into my stomach, and I just don’t say anything because what can you say? Like, 1) WHO TOLD YOU AND WHY? 2) what about what I want? Maybe ask? and 3) ??? ? ?? ? ?? ??? where did you come from? ??? ?? ? ?? ? So I’m just kinda floored by the whole two seconds in which this happens, and you’re probably saying, “why does it matter??? calm down??”, but if we go back to paragraph one (1) we see that the young gay is still trying to figure out just how to emerge from the sexuality cocoon as a graceful queer butterfly without fucking it all up. so... I literally look at the TV instead, still processing, but completely ignoring the entire situation.

I can’t even begin to explain how offended I was/am. I’m positive she didn’t mean any harm. But I was just outed by someone who I didn’t tell I was out, had my entire identity just reduced to being a sexual object that I didn’t consent to (hi welcome to womanhood and compound it if you’re poly/queer, double points for all of the above), and had my incredibly committed relationships just kind of ignored because it was convenient for her because she wanted to make out with a lady - I mean, who doesn’t? but in this sitation, girl byeeee.

I talked to Alyce about the whole ordeal and how it made me feel small, and at this point, I really feel like she’s the only one I can talk to about this and have her understand. This also all kinda ties into an experience at the same party where someone I was close to more recently expressed feelings to me. Men begin friendships with us and then just assume we’re down to fuck, no strings attached. You want a bootycall, not a friend. Just a friend that you can emotionally get attached to and fuck when it’s convenient for you, because you don’t want a relationship and you still want to fuck other people, but I’m ***SPECIAL*** and that makes it okay? Like I’m on call for work, for people who pay and respect me AND THAT SUCKS, and you expect me to drop what I’m doing because you want someone to pay attention to your dick in between OKCupid dates because we have the same taste in music?? My capacity to love more than one person and see the beauty that individuals bring to the table is not an open invitation to just ask to see my tits or ask inappropriate questions about my sex life. My ability to maintain romantic and substantial relationships with my two partners absolutely does not mean I’m actively looking for someone else to start dating or looking for ass on the side - do you even understand how much energy and effort goes into being good for two good people who do their best to be good for you??? Let alone taking care of and being good to yourself at the same time, on top of a job, family, alone time, self care, and everyday things that need to be done??

I don’t want people to look at me and see “easy” or “slutty” or “no standards.” I don’t want people to look at me and think about the things I do in the bedroom, I don’t want people to turn me into my queerness, because while I’m queer and proud, I’m also really cool, intelligent, passionate, understanding, interesting, creative, thoughtful, thorough, driven, unique, talented... need I say more? I’m afraid of people taking the parts of me that, yeah, they’re a part of me, but aren’t the most significant. I want to be more than my sexuality, I want to be more than my relationships with my partners, I want to be more than the color of my eyes, the color of my skin, how many freckles I have, how I like to dress. I want to be what I’ve worked so hard to become, to overcome, the challenges I’ve conquered, the things I’ve created. I want to be seen for my brand of poly, the kind based on how I love my partners, how I take care of them, how I’m dedicated to them and to their happiness, and how I would do anything for them, not for the convoluted idea that you can get laid all the time by whoever you want and still have someone to turn to for regular sex and support. that is such a bastardization of polyamory and what I’m all about, it’s offensive to me. idk here’s my brain vomit and now I’m done.

#wow #this is long #and crazy #just what's been on my mind #thoughts about stuff and things #queer #poly #lifestyle #identity #tw #cw #gender

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thedreadvampy · 7 years ago

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I feel like in general I have no issues with pride in loving women*. I love loving women and fuck anybody ever. And I’ve obviously got no reason to feel shame for loving men. But I have HUGE issues being proud of my bisexuality. I am so convinced that bisexuality is somehow lesser, that I’m not really queer or I’m just saying I’m bi to look cool (even though I love women! And nb people! I love them and I fantasise about them and I have been dating my girlfriend for nearly two years!) and I’m ashamed to admit that when bi women speak for the queer community my first thought is like ‘yeah but you’re not really queer’ And that’s awful! And totally about me and how I view myself! And I hate it I hate it I hate it! I don’t understand how I’ve internalised so much biphobia from within the gay community!!! And from straight people!!!!!! I’m so convinced by rhetoric that says I as a bi woman am barsexual or in between or gay for attention or half gay!!!! I hate it!!!

(I don’t have the same feelings about bi men and I think that’s because I’m not a bi men!!! but also the rhetoric used to invalidate bi men is very different in my experience and leans much more on the idea that bi men are actually gay and bi women are actually straight so that might also be why I find it much easier to consider bi men 'properly queer’ off the bat. which is messed up but there you are)

Idk it feels like I need a lot more telling that my whole identity is valid, not just the 'straight part’ or the 'queer part’. Like I KNOW my identity as a wlw is valid and I KNOW my identity as a woman who likes dudes is valid but it’s the intersection of those two that gives me bother. Especially since I’m also poly and dating both men and women at once. I’m very tired of any talk about bisexuality specifically ending up being about semantics or whether I’m really pansexual because being bi is transphobic (it isn’t and nor does it exclude being attracted to nb people) or about wlw or mlm in general or about what percentage of queer oppression we’re entitled to have suffered (I’m looking at you, dyke discourse) and it just. It doesn’t help with my core problem which is that it’s super hard for me to come to terms with the nature of my bisexuality. Also exclusionary queer politics are SUPER not helping because what that tells me is that there’s a big chunk of the community that REALLY CARES if you’re queer enough for them. It’s exhausting and even if bisexuals are queer enough for the sake of lgbt queer-is-a-slur rhetoric we all know that the b and the T are only acceptably queer when it’s convenient.

#*this isn't actually true on reflection #i'm terrified of flirting with women bc i think i seem creepy or manipulative #and that's for sure linked to internalised homophobia #but that's very subconscious #consciously i am proud and unashamed of loving women #ANYWAY #lgbtq #biseuxal #bi tumblr #Pride #Musings

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polyputthekettleon · 6 years ago

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Letter I’m Probably Never Maybe Going to Send

N, I wanted to not talk to you again for a week so that I could increase the odds of acting from a place that's a little less addled by those dreaded NRE hormones -- and look, I made it all the way to Wednesday night before emailing you! I'm trying to accept the uncertainty that comes with just letting whatever develops or doesn’t develop between you and me “be,” instead of asking you for assurance, but apparently, I'm not quite secure enough to pull it off yet. I read some poly dating advice that recommended not labeling anything as a relationship until you’ve been dating each other for at least two months. It seemed like solid advice, and I’ve been trying hard to follow it. I’ve attempted to work through the majority of my insecurities on my own because it feels too early for me to burden you with that stuff, and because I realize part of feeling more secure is just going to be taking the time to get there. However, the idea of us becoming “platonic cuddle partners” brings up a couple points of anxiety for me that I feel need to be addressed before I'm willing to get further entangled in my feelings and before I agree to continue seeing you within the proposed paradigm shift. I suppose it’s time for me to talk about that, and trust that whatever comes of it is for the best. Here we go: The past four days have been a clear demonstration of just how habit-forming seeing and talking to you has been for me. I miss the warm feeling I get when I see a little blinking light on my phone and realize it’s a text from you. I miss seeing your truck parked in front of my house. I miss putting my arms around your neck and actually feeling a bit short as I look up at you. I miss snuggling into your chest to hear the deep buzz of your voice, and I miss breathing in the scent of your laundry detergent and those stupid cigarettes and whatever else smells like ‘N’ to me. I want to sit together on a couch and play with your wide fingernails and talk about each other’s memories and frustrations and hopes, about your book and things we’d like to do together and how much I’m dreading sending my kid to preschool next week (despite my finally concluding that keeping them at home would also not be the right choice). I want to greedily soak up the rare glimpse of your eyes with your glasses off, and feel your hand brushing over my back as I snuggle into you. I want to play with your hair and think about kissing you whenever I look at your lips, and then actually kiss those lips -- even if it doesn’t lead anywhere but more kissing. I want to find out what you’re like when you’re silly and a little drunk. I want to find out if you laugh with me when I’m silly and a little drunk. I want to go on a day trip with you and watch the mountains roll by from the passenger seat of your truck. I want to do the things you mentioned: venting and drinking after a shitty day or shitty week, watching TV (just started Season 2 of Westworld!), and going out to whatever strikes our fancy (especially the symphony and readings at the Poetry Center). And I’d love to play Scrabble with you again. If you can’t already tell, I’m crushing on you pretty hard, and in my more secure moments, I’m fairly confident that your expressed desire to know me for a long time is evidence that you’re not planning on dropping me at the first convenient opportunity. Yet because you keep your cards so close to your vest, and because many of your responses to my questions about your wants and needs and feelings have been either worded extremely carefully, or turned around to ask about the motivations behind my questions, or postponed out of consideration for me already having a lot to work through, I still don’t feel like I have a clear sense of how you actually feel about me at this time. When I asked if you "like me too," what I was really asking for is confirmation that you want more from me than a placeholder relationship, that in this new paradigm I wouldn't just be someone to keep you busy until the day you found a less-married partner to spend your time with; someone with better availability and a bedroom of their own. I don't want to fall off your romantic radar, and I’m worried that us de-escalating from a sexual relationship is the first step in that happening. For all I know, this letter might be the next step, since it clearly demonstrates how I'm not beyond feeling anxious and that might not be something you're willing to entertain in a partner. For what it's worth, I suspect my being this anxious about my relationship status with you is another one of those shortcomings that monogamy helped me cover up -- I haven't had to deal with the insecurity of a new relationship in a loooong time -- and I'm doing my best to work through it. While I acknowledge that you are not obligated to share such information with me, and I appreciate your emphasis on being careful with what you say because words are powerful, I'd really like a glimpse at your cards right about now. Long story short: Yup, I still want to see you, even though sex isn’t on the table right now. That said, I think I only want to continue to grow our relationship if we can do so within a romantic paradigm – if we’re actually still dating, not just “doing datey stuff.” I can date without sex, that's not the issue. As I mentioned on Saturday, at this time I want to pursue relationships that include the possibility of falling in love, but I don’t know if that’s actually a possibility that you’re open to exploring with me. If you are, fantastic! I’d love to keep seeing where this goes, even if it means keeping all activities rated PG for an undefined length of time. If you’re not open to that possibility, unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve advanced far enough in my poly journey to successfully transition into your platonic cuddle partner, at least not right now. I realize sharing everything that’s in your brain and heart isn’t really your style, at least not in the same way as it’s mine. Please consider this my too-long and obsessively-edited attempt to be as fully transparent and vulnerable as I can, in the hope that doing so will make it easier to decide if we should continue to date each other, or take more time away to allow romantic feelings to fade. I hope you’re having a good week. I miss you. H

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robustcornhusk · 6 years ago

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i see both my psych and my therapist on friday, and this usually is a lot more helpful if i stop to think about how things are going beforehand.

spoilers: things are going mostly pretty decently!

below here i talk about food and alcohol and drugs and family difficulties and money, but not in a particularly distressed way.

things going well:

i made an enormous <ruby><rb>relational database</rb><rt>spreadsheet</rt></ruby> of fun things to do while it’s the summer and we all really want to go do things and shared it with some friends and while no one immediately was super hyped, multiple people later came up to me and umprompted were like “the spreadsheet is really cool! i want to go do a bunch of things!”, and it resulted in people going to a museum, and corgicon, and a trip to the county fair, and and and, and it’s been helping me plan...

bike rides! on my oldnew roadbike! we can’t go camping as soon as i want to, but we’re doing a bunch of in-city rides in the mean time.

the cohuman is starting a new job next month! they are very excited about it, and i’m also very excited about it, because it is a job making the spreadsheets go better. moreover, it’s better in nearly every way from their current job and previous candidates: they will be paid better, the ?sales model? is one we’re more morally comfortable with, there’s been an abundance of indications that the people running the place are loaded with clues, the work is both more interesting and less frustrating, the workplace is even in a more convenient location...

i solved a multi-year frustrating problem of “i can’t find any shirts that i don’t hate” by acknowledging that i fucking hate the feeling of knit t-shirts and i got some woven button shirts instead. they are a little tight in the shoulders, so i need to find some that really fit as opposed to mostly fit, but now i look Put Together even when i’m in shorts and the colors are good and i don’t feel like a gross sweaty mess when it’s hot because woven fabric handles heat so much better than fucking knit cotton(-poly blend). since getting them, people have stopped me in the street to compliment me on my appearance. (this happened before, too, but there’s been an uptick).

i have played a bunch of video games, which i think for most people is not necessarily a good sign, but for me it is definitely. when i am utterly miserable, i do not play any. when i am fine, sometimes i am not playing any either, but it’s definitely a thing that for me correlates with “feeling good” and to some extent i believe is a causative thing. (the background anxiety machine instead of focusing on the world is awful focuses on well, if i try this level like that or what about that combination of moves...)

i even want to read fiction, which hasn’t been the case for a while, though that one i have to be careful with; if i read the wrong sort of things i get a mood drop for a few days after (see especially Blindsight). i also am completely powerless to stop reading once i start something (to the detriment of sleeping and eating). so it’s good that i read fast, but ...

i saw a parent last week and after they kept asking me to speak to (relative) i said that i really wasn’t interested in talking to (relative) on account of that person being a jerk and parent only took a minute to accept that and seems to have totally backed off.

things not going well, but maybe not bad:

i’ve completely dropped climbing on the floor. in part because the last few times i went my hands hurt in a way that indicated that maybe the Minor Tendon Injury wasn’t totally better, but in part because... i just haven’t gone.

i need to remember that it’s very suddenly much easier for me to get there, since i have not-very-valuable road bike now that i can lock up outside in the copious, heavily-used, probably-actually-very-safe bike racks. i have locking skewers in my tires, and i could get a matching seatpost one, which might be a good idea (or get a permanently attached chain). i have better shoes now, so i don’t need to worry about (unexpectedly) slipping off the damn wall the way i used to worry. i do need to solve ‘clothes’, because i think one of the reasons i hesitate to go is that i don’t know what to wear to not stand out. in the winter it’s okay to climb in jeans, but it’s too hot with summer approaching, i think? and people don’t seem to wear shorts while bouldering; i’m not sure if it’s that i’m actually just seeing the work-break daytime crowd who go in street clothes, or if shorts really do stand out.

i do need to remember to not overdo it, and it’s hard at times. what happened in december was definitely that i started going too long and too frequently. i’ll just do one really long session at the big bouldering gym, i said, and climbed to exhaustion, and then i had to drop it for months because i’d fucked up a tendon.

i have not entirely dropped japanese on the floor; i think i’ve done reviews every day for the last month. just. not many of them. like 10-20 a day. i’m abstractly okay with just doing reviews all summer and no additions, because there’s so much fun stuff to do and also because i know i’ll get agitated if i plan to do X additions per day and get off from that because i’m doing fun stuff 3 days a week and so on.

but i’m still not reconciled to choosing either one of (delay travel to japan until i’m good enough) or (go to japan without being good enough). i’ve been before! while being bad at language! it’s gone fine! but the first was in the high school when i was not a ball of anxiety and the second was with some friends who did a lot of the planning so i knew i could just go along for the ride when i was too stressed to words. and this time is potentially just me and the cohuman, who doesn’t know much, and i really want to go to places outside of tokyo (hokkaido! hokkaido!) where i don’t know that i can rely as much on Ambient Background English.

i’d like to sew a couple of things, but i’m putting it off because ... in part because i’ll bit off more than i can chew, in part because it takes up so much space, in part because the last project bit me, in part because i don’t want to have to iron a bunch of shit on my shitty mini tabletop ironing board.

i do have a fairly easy project i could do (make an enormous bag for picking up farmer’s market stuff in) without much materials expenditure (i’d need some canvas for the handles and some interfacing, but i have the Cute Thematic Fabric for the outside leftover from last one), so maybe i should just get the damn ironing board. at worst, i can keep it under my bed.

i definitely was overdoing it in the kitchen for a few weeks, and i’ve scaled back a bit in the last month. i think overall, it’s gone well? i’m mad because last night i made a really mediocre dinner: the kale was weird, the broccoli was buggy, the kohlrabi was unevenly cooked, the sauce was meh, i screwed up the timing .... we burned the rhubarb crisp we made this weekend (it was still really good, though), it took an hour to make some cookies (they were incredible though).

the cooking spreadsheet is really useful. this year i’m doing a much better job of finding good and simple food to make with things, so i can divide up my energy in an efficient way.

we went to a cocktail ... not demonstration, but talk? a person had written a book about cocktails? a couple of weeks ago, and we got their book, and we’ve been making a bunch of them; at least 12 separate recipes out of the ~100 or so in the book. It’s a lot of fun, because it’s a very high effort-to-reward ratio (10-15 minutes of effort results in like 8 people being very happy with me; a lot of flavors i don’t get to use a lot of when cooking or baking)... but i’m approaching a point where, from the standpoint of equipment and ingredients, i either need to cool my jets a bit or swallow some startup costs: glassware (other than chipped to hell water glasses), better tools and equipment (a better shaker, a citrus squeezer that doesn’t spray lemon juice everywhere except the measuring cup), storage vessels (a fourth the fridge is occupied with shrubs and infused syrups and herbs all in too-big mason jars...).

also like, i love shrubs, and they give me heartburn, because i am apparently old. last summer, when i got started making them, i drank an undiluted 8oz glass of strawberry shrub, because it was delicious, and i thought i was going to die.

the cooking and the cocktailing have led to higher than usual grocery bills, but we’re tracking everything pretty closely: it’s not getting in the way of capital-s Savings, of things we need, even of things we just want. it seems to have just pulled from other hobby-type activities, which makes sense.

[as an aside, and i’m only partially joking, i strongly recommend that the autistic person in a relationship set up the budget; i had a great time doing that last year. the cohuman handed me information on income, and i spent three or so setting up ynab: figuring out all the possible expenditure categories, figuring out how much and how often we’d spend from each, allocating money... and we’ve had to tweak it since then, of course, but also i believe my assumptions and numbers were astoundingly accurate. at one point the cohuman said “we need to move X dollars per month to this other category, what do we do” and i said “that’s easy! that’s painless! we just need to change our running route once a week” and I was right.]

hmm:

at last psych appointment i said that the cohuman had noticed me being sorta off for the week prior; i was getting stuff done during the day, but not as much as i was really wanting to, even on things i was really interested in and pursuing because i wanted to!, and then i was agitated in the evening and couldn’t focus even on easy, fun, light things.

and then went hmm, and because it was a short trend and i’d said i was backing off of stuff, and because i think i seemed pretty normal at the time: not the super fast speech i get when anxious, not completely taciturn, it was decided to wait and see. i think, i don’t remember the whole conversation.

and then i utterly crashed the next monday. and i’d halfway decrashed by friday, which is why i didn’t bother trying to get an earlier appointment or anything, and with regard to magnitude, i’ve by now completely recovered to baseline, but i’ve changed direction.

all my interests have been the exact same for like ... 15 years. like. yep. i’ve over and over again been interested in: food & cooking & collecting cookbooks, sewing & fashion, learning japanese, interior design and how people use spaces, cats!!!, biking... bouldering doesn’t feel as intense as the other ones, but i think just because there’s less to spreadsheet about with it, and general-you inevitably get injured if you go too hard too soon.

but they come and go in cycles, and the cyclic nature is at times very unpleasant. being dumped from “fuck yeah, biking! touring! let’s ride for thousands of miles!” to “I haven’t touched a bike in 6 months except to move it out of the way” sucked.

...

even without “i can use these interests to find new things to be into”, like getting into camping as a way to go on longer bike rides, that’s a pretty okay list of interests. there’s what i see as a hospitality cluster (food, interior design, sewing, cat), a health cluster (food, biking, bouldering), travel (biking, japanese). it might not be the most, ... what’s the word i’m looking for? broadly intellectually stimulating?

digression: i saw, somewhere, someone say: if you’re trying to have people think positively of you, and you decide a good way to go about this is by being smart, that’s all well and good; but if the result of this is that people feel stupid around you, then you’ve made a mistake. if you want people to think positively of you for being smart, you’ve make it easy for them to think well of themselves afterwards, too; you can’t just look down on them.

...

previously, somewhere, described my aspiration as this: I want to be an enzyme. I want to be a thing that, just by being around, makes it easy for reactions to happen.

and what i think that looks like, in part, is making it easy to be around me. hospitality, i guess.

#king midas has the ears of an ass

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