#i need to go to bed soon but now im sobbin GHDJFHG

[deathfavor]

me staring at Horo's lines of

 I'm strong now and will no longer be a burden to anyone. But the person I cared about the most isn't there anymore. &  You were lying when you said Boss Zoya sent you to save me, right? Humph. Fine, I forgive you. I won't repeat the stupid mistake of... bickering with important people over little things.

and how Horo talked about bickering over stupid things with Earl and probably others too. and also the fact Earl... just. He tried his best, did his best for what he could do. The fact he was already raising Horo on his own even before Nirvana Company & Legion and trying to do everything and im just- GOD!

PTN does a really good job with the dynamic, esp for what little we actually get. Maybe its just situational, but i'm the oldest out of 5 kids and there's 5-7 years between me and the 4 others. And I also had to play parent sometimes when my dad was deployed overseas for a year (give or take a month). And even just with that?? it definitely created a different dynamic between me and my siblings. bc i was their older sister but sometimes i was also playing parent. and my siblings are older now so we've talked about it. but one time we all ended up crying in my car because beind the oldest i was trying to play parent and sibling, but they didn't always know how to interact or get to know me as me. And i always felt i had to take on all the burdens and i couldn't....show my emotions. I needed to be strong for my siblings and my mom. and like....idk. a lot of attention went to my siblings, and i get it. they were younger and they're all super close in age, but i played a huge support role and so everything i needed or wanted i shoved down to be last priority for my siblings ( most of the time, i mean i was a kid myself too trying to figure this all out ). and idk. its just. hard.

Even the other day it was kind of pointed out that i'm extremely good at shutting down how i'm doing to help or deal with other problems. and idk. i think thats why Horo's interrogation also hit a particularly hard spot and always makes me tear up, just hearing it from the other side versus my own & how my little brothers have mentioned it now that we're older and.........im rambling and this probably doesnt make sense but i just. needed it out there.