#i need to go to a psychiatrist and idk i'd try medication again

[batlove]

i'm going actually insane like this is not normal at all

[sincelastsession]

Vent post. Take with grain of salt.

My articulation is not how I wanted it to come out and so idfk if it'll read right. Just understand I'm not trying to act like a bitch. I'm processing.

I was gonna get food but now I feel like I can't fucking eat. I feel once again completely misunderstood and it's really frustrating.

I feel like assumptions etc are constantly made. I'm not even known yet. Have the charts for all the work I have done been found?

Am I just bad at being a person.

Sure I'd love to have a magical fix it medication but I'm on xanax (nessesary not only for psych but for other issues) and I smoke weed for pain and ptsd. It's highly unlikely I'll ever get Adderall to function unless I stop the weed. The weed is primarily for servere chronic pain. I used to get punished for CRYING so I'm not really ever showing how much I hurt.

I understand a conversation is turn taking. I am worried about time. I'm worried about being misunderstood. I feel rejected. Idk perhaps it was the delivery. I'm triggered. It just feels like the same as everyone else tired of me and when they tell me I'm too much. There's people that don't who have no problem with me being myself just talking how I talk. I understand it's not conducive to every situation. I don't like how this lack of hunger and anger and irritation and frustration is the result of that. Because how do I know I've been understood. How do I trust that?

It's incredibly hard for me to even be open enough to process it via writing in this blog.

I get it and I don't get it.

I really wish I could get my charts to save a hell of a lot of time. Yeah there's urgency for me. I never feel like I have time.

I miss my old psychiatrist because this shit wouldn't be happening. I'd be able to take my med and he would be brave enough to speak to the medical board.

I think a lot of people think I'm trying to discount how hard I'm struggling just being a person doing normal things. My executive dysfunction is terrible.

As far as meds go I've been on EVERYTHING and it's quite possible some of those meds contributed to fucking me up. I see a geneticist. I've had medical testing done. I have genetic mutations that cause me issues with a whole mess of medications.

I'd have to stop taking certain thinks to do the ket treatments and with my cptsd I'm not sure that that is a good idea. I don't want to experience side effects or an adverse reaction. I've almost died enough. I'd LOVE to try a SGB or TMS but my insurance doesn't cover it.

The sheer amount of adrenaline rush I felt and what I was able to absorb is not great. Just being told that even though no harm was meant was super triggering because it's not something I've been able to easily fix. The sheer amount of energy I'm putting into managing other things while I'm trying to listen etc I wish I could get someone to understand.

Idk if there's a different way it can be looked at. I'm not trying to be ride or take the session over. I know it's best intentions but honestly it felt like criticism and a cognitive distortion like an assumption directed at me. I understand that I'm not easy. But understand I don't have control over it fully. I don't always feel like im driving this fuckin flesh prison.

It is frustrating to have a brain that goes incredibly fast.

It's frustrating to feel completely rejected even tho I was told that's not what it was it still feels that way because it's very hard for me to trust anyone fully.

It's frustrating to be at a loss for words.

I do feel like I need to defend myself. Because shit I'm so fucking tired of hearing how I'm difficult basically. No it's not easy for everyone to talk to me an no not everyone can wrap their brain around what I'm experiencing.

I just feel gross. I want to eat I went to get food but now I'm sitting in a fucking parking lot with a cop staring at me as I cry and vent and feel overwhelming feelings.

You know it's not just family that hasn't heard or seen me. It's been therapists and doctors etc...

So that is related to trauma.

This is a controversial opinion of mine but I truly feel sometimes that a therapist will think they have me figured out and they don't, I feel like this process happens way too fast. I didn't even notice a cue or get a chance to jot down a reminder. I'm trying to listen to listen. I was trying to save time. I was trying to communicate.

I needed to talk about other things. But I feel like I've just been told everything I'm doing and saying us wrong and that is generally what people do to me when I try to speak.

It feels so shitty.

It takes forever to regulate when people point shit out that I'm aware im doing but can't really control. Like yes I get it. It does make things hard.

I feel that ppl think I'm trying to shoot down everything but this isn't new to me. I'm not trying to be defensive or whatever it looks like. I'm just trying to communicate before the thought poofs from my brain or save ppl the trouble of telling me shit that I'm completely aware of. I don't really plan to fuck up and interrupt etc it just happens and I don't feel that I have full control over that.

I am pissed because I'd really like to get my damn files from the last therapist I'd made headway with.

I originally thought I'd be doing emdr which we've discussed you aren't certified in.

I don't want to quit therapy. I'm scared I'll get the talk and it feels like I'm already about to be discarded so quickly.

Do I have proof that any of this is true? No.

It's just currently how I feel.

I had plans the rest of the day and now I can't even think to figure out where I needed to go and what to do. I can't pick a food. I'm not wanting to go to the post office. I feel like I'm shutting down.

I do have a suggestion that may actually help because I'm not sure if you know how you came across visually when you spoke to me.

I notice patterns I see micro expressions. I can see anger in people even if it's more a frustration.

So idk maybe put a mirror up and look at how the body language etc may come across. Or better yet perhaps say it to yourself in the mirror.

Look I'm probably still coming across in a way that will be misinterpreted or would be by someone else.

I don't want to build resentment so I'm sharing my CURRENT feelings which are subject to change.

I wish you could understand what's going on in my brain and could just magically understand but it takes time with me.

And yeah I'm always worried about everything.

I'm worried you'll read this along with everything else and just be like OH GOD NOPE

A Tree can't describe the Forest.

I have trouble wording things so sometimes also when I've got it in my head worded well and I'm telling people and I get chided even gently even just someone pointing out that I've interrupted and that is so triggering because it took me so long to try to figure out how to word it and then it goes unheard everyone feels unheard there's this mess and it's my fault and the import thing is gone. I get tongue tied. I stutter. I have trouble articulating sometimes.

I'll try to continue to not fuck up but I already feel I have with this post with my reaction with the obvious frustration which is not invalid because I know you're trying to help.

This is similar to how I react to my mom and dad via text but honestly 1000x nicer.

I don't even feel like I've said anything right in this post.

I feel like I'm completely not understood.

I understand locus of control. I don't feel that I even have a full locus of control though.

When you have autonomy when you first develop it and it's suddenly under micromanage control and you grow up with passive neglectful controlling fucking insane people who do the same shit you get fussed at about it's really hard.

I don't feel like a whole person. I feel like I'm just the manager or the pilot. Idfk where my core is my inner child etc. I know that I age regress sometimes. I know I do a ton of things but I'm not always in the driver's seat.

I don't understand myself either. I feel like parts of me are in charge of various things.

I hate this entry.

I just feel shame. I just want to hide.

Maybe I should play the 13-15 or so minute long audio I have of a past abuse so you can understand how absolutely nasty I'm spoken to and why it's so triggering to even hear constructive criticism etc...

I'll make more entries later. I still need to let my emotions chill out.

I am worried that therapy is now a trigger. Not because of you. Because it has always been me trying to tell people what is happening. I had times where cps should have been called but because I was interrupting etc... that was more of a focus than my own safety. No adult in my life has stood up to any abuser and done anything about it.

Now I'm an adult who is profoundly fucked up and like idfk how to be understood or to trust that I'm being heard or understood or anything

I feel like the people that get it in my life are the ones that have had a very hard life not the same as me but on level with me.

I don't know if this shit is gonna help you understand me any or if I've just unintentionally confused you more or whatever.

I have to go ahead and go home. I don't have the bandwidth to do anything else today. I'm pissed about it. I had plans.

Is it your fault? No. You don't know me. You don't know everything. You weren't not being professional. I don't know how to explain how it triggered me. If I could play it back to you I'd point it out the moment so you could understand.

I don't want to delete parts of this that I could go write better. It's hot, I'm trying to wrestle my emotions, I'm embarrassed, I'm still various forms of upset. I need to eat but im just sitting in this wholefoods parkinglot crying like an idiot. I feel like I've wasted a session talking about the wrong things thus creating a stupid kerfuffle.

I guess I'll see you next week.

[theheroheart]

So, idk if you take questions about this, if not feel free to ignore of course. But I was just wondering, if it's possible to get diagnosed with ADHD without being in therapy?

BC I have strong suspicions about ADHD and anxiety. But. I've tried therapy three times (different therapists, different times in my life) and I hated it. It didn't work etc. (I did it right too. I read up before so didn't go in with any unreasonable expectations. I was honest. I stuck with it for multiple months. I just hated every second) I don't want to do that again.

If I got diagnosed I figure I could consider medication or whatever, if that's not possible without therapy, them at least I'd know what's going on. Even if I'm not doing anything about it.

Obligatory clarification: I'm not anti therapy, it's scientifically proven, it helps many of my friends etc.

It's just that I'm not willing to do this again, and also I'm running out of available therapists In my area. Non of my friends, though in therapy, have been diagnosed with anything to my knowledge. So I'm here. Asking you.

Again totally fine of you're not comfortable answering. I'm just asking BC you talked about the topic some, so I figured I might as well try.

It's difficult for me to answer this, cause it's gonna vary by country, and I don't know where you're from or what your situation is. (I'm guessing the US??)

Generally speaking, if you are specifically trying to get an ADHD diagnosis, you do go about it slightly differently than just "getting therapy".

You will have to talk to someone (psychiatrist/specialist) about your symptoms so they have a basis for diagnosis. For this I def recommend going through diagnostic criteria and making yourself a list of how your symptoms affect your life, both as a child and as an adult.

They also need to rule out other physical or mental conditions that could cause the symptoms. There will be a lot of questions designed to map your mental and physical health, questionnaires, probably some tests?

But honestly it feels very different than "going to therapy".

I'd recommend finding an ADHD specialist. Make sure you find someone who has the qualifications to actually diagnose you. (A "therapist" does not automatically have the license to diagnose or prescribe medication.)

Also like, find information relevant to your country! Unless you're Norwegian, I'm not the source for this.