#i need to go to a psychiatrist and idk i'd try medication again

[batlove]

i'm going actually insane like this is not normal at all

[sincelastsession]

Vent post. Take with grain of salt.

My articulation is not how I wanted it to come out and so idfk if it'll read right. Just understand I'm not trying to act like a bitch. I'm processing.

I was gonna get food but now I feel like I can't fucking eat. I feel once again completely misunderstood and it's really frustrating.

I feel like assumptions etc are constantly made. I'm not even known yet. Have the charts for all the work I have done been found?

Am I just bad at being a person.

Sure I'd love to have a magical fix it medication but I'm on xanax (nessesary not only for psych but for other issues) and I smoke weed for pain and ptsd. It's highly unlikely I'll ever get Adderall to function unless I stop the weed. The weed is primarily for servere chronic pain. I used to get punished for CRYING so I'm not really ever showing how much I hurt.

I understand a conversation is turn taking. I am worried about time. I'm worried about being misunderstood. I feel rejected. Idk perhaps it was the delivery. I'm triggered. It just feels like the same as everyone else tired of me and when they tell me I'm too much. There's people that don't who have no problem with me being myself just talking how I talk. I understand it's not conducive to every situation. I don't like how this lack of hunger and anger and irritation and frustration is the result of that. Because how do I know I've been understood. How do I trust that?

It's incredibly hard for me to even be open enough to process it via writing in this blog.

I get it and I don't get it.

I really wish I could get my charts to save a hell of a lot of time. Yeah there's urgency for me. I never feel like I have time.

I miss my old psychiatrist because this shit wouldn't be happening. I'd be able to take my med and he would be brave enough to speak to the medical board.

I think a lot of people think I'm trying to discount how hard I'm struggling just being a person doing normal things. My executive dysfunction is terrible.

As far as meds go I've been on EVERYTHING and it's quite possible some of those meds contributed to fucking me up. I see a geneticist. I've had medical testing done. I have genetic mutations that cause me issues with a whole mess of medications.

I'd have to stop taking certain thinks to do the ket treatments and with my cptsd I'm not sure that that is a good idea. I don't want to experience side effects or an adverse reaction. I've almost died enough. I'd LOVE to try a SGB or TMS but my insurance doesn't cover it.

The sheer amount of adrenaline rush I felt and what I was able to absorb is not great. Just being told that even though no harm was meant was super triggering because it's not something I've been able to easily fix. The sheer amount of energy I'm putting into managing other things while I'm trying to listen etc I wish I could get someone to understand.

Idk if there's a different way it can be looked at. I'm not trying to be ride or take the session over. I know it's best intentions but honestly it felt like criticism and a cognitive distortion like an assumption directed at me. I understand that I'm not easy. But understand I don't have control over it fully. I don't always feel like im driving this fuckin flesh prison.

It is frustrating to have a brain that goes incredibly fast.

It's frustrating to feel completely rejected even tho I was told that's not what it was it still feels that way because it's very hard for me to trust anyone fully.

It's frustrating to be at a loss for words.

I do feel like I need to defend myself. Because shit I'm so fucking tired of hearing how I'm difficult basically. No it's not easy for everyone to talk to me an no not everyone can wrap their brain around what I'm experiencing.

I just feel gross. I want to eat I went to get food but now I'm sitting in a fucking parking lot with a cop staring at me as I cry and vent and feel overwhelming feelings.

You know it's not just family that hasn't heard or seen me. It's been therapists and doctors etc...

So that is related to trauma.

This is a controversial opinion of mine but I truly feel sometimes that a therapist will think they have me figured out and they don't, I feel like this process happens way too fast. I didn't even notice a cue or get a chance to jot down a reminder. I'm trying to listen to listen. I was trying to save time. I was trying to communicate.

I needed to talk about other things. But I feel like I've just been told everything I'm doing and saying us wrong and that is generally what people do to me when I try to speak.

It feels so shitty.

It takes forever to regulate when people point shit out that I'm aware im doing but can't really control. Like yes I get it. It does make things hard.

I feel that ppl think I'm trying to shoot down everything but this isn't new to me. I'm not trying to be defensive or whatever it looks like. I'm just trying to communicate before the thought poofs from my brain or save ppl the trouble of telling me shit that I'm completely aware of. I don't really plan to fuck up and interrupt etc it just happens and I don't feel that I have full control over that.

I am pissed because I'd really like to get my damn files from the last therapist I'd made headway with.

I originally thought I'd be doing emdr which we've discussed you aren't certified in.

I don't want to quit therapy. I'm scared I'll get the talk and it feels like I'm already about to be discarded so quickly.

Do I have proof that any of this is true? No.

It's just currently how I feel.

I had plans the rest of the day and now I can't even think to figure out where I needed to go and what to do. I can't pick a food. I'm not wanting to go to the post office. I feel like I'm shutting down.

I do have a suggestion that may actually help because I'm not sure if you know how you came across visually when you spoke to me.

I notice patterns I see micro expressions. I can see anger in people even if it's more a frustration.

So idk maybe put a mirror up and look at how the body language etc may come across. Or better yet perhaps say it to yourself in the mirror.

Look I'm probably still coming across in a way that will be misinterpreted or would be by someone else.

I don't want to build resentment so I'm sharing my CURRENT feelings which are subject to change.

I wish you could understand what's going on in my brain and could just magically understand but it takes time with me.

And yeah I'm always worried about everything.

I'm worried you'll read this along with everything else and just be like OH GOD NOPE

A Tree can't describe the Forest.

I have trouble wording things so sometimes also when I've got it in my head worded well and I'm telling people and I get chided even gently even just someone pointing out that I've interrupted and that is so triggering because it took me so long to try to figure out how to word it and then it goes unheard everyone feels unheard there's this mess and it's my fault and the import thing is gone. I get tongue tied. I stutter. I have trouble articulating sometimes.

I'll try to continue to not fuck up but I already feel I have with this post with my reaction with the obvious frustration which is not invalid because I know you're trying to help.

This is similar to how I react to my mom and dad via text but honestly 1000x nicer.

I don't even feel like I've said anything right in this post.

I feel like I'm completely not understood.

I understand locus of control. I don't feel that I even have a full locus of control though.

When you have autonomy when you first develop it and it's suddenly under micromanage control and you grow up with passive neglectful controlling fucking insane people who do the same shit you get fussed at about it's really hard.

I don't feel like a whole person. I feel like I'm just the manager or the pilot. Idfk where my core is my inner child etc. I know that I age regress sometimes. I know I do a ton of things but I'm not always in the driver's seat.

I don't understand myself either. I feel like parts of me are in charge of various things.

I hate this entry.

I just feel shame. I just want to hide.

Maybe I should play the 13-15 or so minute long audio I have of a past abuse so you can understand how absolutely nasty I'm spoken to and why it's so triggering to even hear constructive criticism etc...

I'll make more entries later. I still need to let my emotions chill out.

I am worried that therapy is now a trigger. Not because of you. Because it has always been me trying to tell people what is happening. I had times where cps should have been called but because I was interrupting etc... that was more of a focus than my own safety. No adult in my life has stood up to any abuser and done anything about it.

Now I'm an adult who is profoundly fucked up and like idfk how to be understood or to trust that I'm being heard or understood or anything

I feel like the people that get it in my life are the ones that have had a very hard life not the same as me but on level with me.

I don't know if this shit is gonna help you understand me any or if I've just unintentionally confused you more or whatever.

I have to go ahead and go home. I don't have the bandwidth to do anything else today. I'm pissed about it. I had plans.

Is it your fault? No. You don't know me. You don't know everything. You weren't not being professional. I don't know how to explain how it triggered me. If I could play it back to you I'd point it out the moment so you could understand.

I don't want to delete parts of this that I could go write better. It's hot, I'm trying to wrestle my emotions, I'm embarrassed, I'm still various forms of upset. I need to eat but im just sitting in this wholefoods parkinglot crying like an idiot. I feel like I've wasted a session talking about the wrong things thus creating a stupid kerfuffle.

I guess I'll see you next week.

[theheroheart]

So, idk if you take questions about this, if not feel free to ignore of course. But I was just wondering, if it's possible to get diagnosed with ADHD without being in therapy?

BC I have strong suspicions about ADHD and anxiety. But. I've tried therapy three times (different therapists, different times in my life) and I hated it. It didn't work etc. (I did it right too. I read up before so didn't go in with any unreasonable expectations. I was honest. I stuck with it for multiple months. I just hated every second) I don't want to do that again.

If I got diagnosed I figure I could consider medication or whatever, if that's not possible without therapy, them at least I'd know what's going on. Even if I'm not doing anything about it.

Obligatory clarification: I'm not anti therapy, it's scientifically proven, it helps many of my friends etc.

It's just that I'm not willing to do this again, and also I'm running out of available therapists In my area. Non of my friends, though in therapy, have been diagnosed with anything to my knowledge. So I'm here. Asking you.

Again totally fine of you're not comfortable answering. I'm just asking BC you talked about the topic some, so I figured I might as well try.

It's difficult for me to answer this, cause it's gonna vary by country, and I don't know where you're from or what your situation is. (I'm guessing the US??)

Generally speaking, if you are specifically trying to get an ADHD diagnosis, you do go about it slightly differently than just "getting therapy".

You will have to talk to someone (psychiatrist/specialist) about your symptoms so they have a basis for diagnosis. For this I def recommend going through diagnostic criteria and making yourself a list of how your symptoms affect your life, both as a child and as an adult.

They also need to rule out other physical or mental conditions that could cause the symptoms. There will be a lot of questions designed to map your mental and physical health, questionnaires, probably some tests?

But honestly it feels very different than "going to therapy".

I'd recommend finding an ADHD specialist. Make sure you find someone who has the qualifications to actually diagnose you. (A "therapist" does not automatically have the license to diagnose or prescribe medication.)

Also like, find information relevant to your country! Unless you're Norwegian, I'm not the source for this.

[psychokangaroo]

How many MDs do you think are suicidal? It’s depressing and scary that the people we need to be healthy the most are suffering so much. I think this is the main reason I never continued my mcat studying bc i felt that my mental illness would get worse in medical school. & that I’m afraid i’ll kms at some point during residency :\ Are you currently taking anything to help? A little demon in the back of my head tells me “Anon ur taking zoloft & wellbutrin & adderall, you’ll be FINE!” but then a part of me feels I shouldnt risk it and stay away from the unnecessary stress… idk anymore

So at some point I'm going to add a bit more commentary about suicide medicine to this but the short version is that I'm doing fine, actually. I was just in a weird mood after a swing shift in thr ER so I was reminiscing some stuff at night. The stuff I mentioned happened 3-4 years ago, while I was still processing the unintentional emotional abuse from my parents, who are trying their best as immigrants, and dealing with PTSD and a somewhat toxic grad school environment. The stuff that happened actually were part of why I became a psychiatrist. I went through 2 weeks of a partial hospitalization program another 3-4 weeks of intensive outpatient afterwards. At some point I was on 2 antidepressants and an adhd med with some antidepressant propertoes and an as needed for sleep and panic attack along with weekly therapy, but I'm okay now on just one SSRI, occasional ginseng, and no therapy. Med school and a career in medicine us a high stress environment, but people do make it through sometimes mostly with their sanity intact. One thing I'd recommend is really think about why yoi want to go to medicine, how much you like the alternative career paths, and how much you are willing to put up for it.

(More stuff on the environment and physician suicide later because I'm drinking to celebrate finishing emergency medicine and readying my sanity to deal with tye neurology department at my hospital again)

[lucidpantone]

Hi :) Idk whether you're the right person to ask but I like your blog and asks and you're quite popular so I think it may get more attention. Here's the thing. In my real life I have never met anyone with depression/bipolar disorder (that I know of). So my experience/knowledge is very much based on the internet/movies/TV and well, SKAM and its remakes. I am aware that SKAM doesn't portray MI 100% real because it's still a show (or at least I think so, dont quote me on that!). However. Recently, I stumbled upon an interview somewhere on the news with a psychiatrist about bipolar disorder. She said she has been working with many patients with it. And she said that bipolar is not really manic vs depression. She said (and claimed that ALL of her many patients agreed with her) that bipolar looks like this: 94% of time severe depression, 3% mania, 3% 'normal' life. I have to admit that this really shook me. And I think you will agree it's a completely different scenario that SKAM or wtfock or SKAM France portrayed. I'd love to hear your opinion and also I'd be very grateful if you published this so more people who have more experience/knowledge on the subject can speak out too. Thank you! 😊😊😊

hey!(disclaimer this is super long) So funny enough I can kinda help answer some of this anon from my own experience but not from a medical experience or from the experience of the person who suffers from bipolar disorder. I have commented before that my roommate of 2.5 years has bipolar disorder and tho we don’t live together anymore living with him I got to experience first hand what those ups and downs that the Even character talks about 1st hand. Take into mind MI’s manifest differently for everyone no one manifestation will be the same. For example a study ran by a psychiatrist examining a sample group of people living with Bipolar you need to closely exam the participants. Are these participants homeless? or come from unstable families or environments? Then a continuous state of manic depression is also being influenced by environment. Environment plays a big part in how an MI impacts you. Why do you think routine is so essential for a lot of people, it creates stability so without knowing the nuances of the study I would just take that study as one of many studies and ultimately try to consume a large number of research findings to form the most informed opinion. Ok so personally from my experience living with my old roommate no he was not always depressed or suffering from an episode. I would say for the most part he was a functioning adult but yes they were aspects of his bipolar that effected his normal life. My old roommate was diagnosed at 17 when we moved in together he was 30. So he knew his disease really well. My old roommate was also an avid recreational drug user but he would not mix his meds and party stuff. He knew better by 30 as he had done that a lot in his 20′s and came to realize thats when he lost control. 

So for the most part this was the routine of my roommate’s MI he would be good for awhile and take his meds and everything would be fine for the most part.Then he would decide to stop taking his meds usually it was triggered by a festival/concert in town or something along those lines. Then he would never get back on his meds this would last for a little while and then he would spiral. My roommate was very aware that without his meds it wouldn't take long to start exhibiting signs to the point that I could tell when something was off. Yes the manic episodes were irrational and disorganized but my roommate was pretty harmless to anyone else manic he was just super high on life for example he woke me up at 2am once because he just “needed” to go for a run. Or he brought a white school chalk board because he would get these urges to write on our walls and his gf would freak so he brought this chalk board and put it on the wall and when he was manic he would go to town. He also wanted to spend money like crazy. Luckily he was a trust fund kid so he had it but he would go in and buy a ton of shit he didn't need. Now when he was down its was different sometimes he was down because the recreational drugs would exhaust his brain and then all hell would break loose coupled with the bipolar.I wasn’t sure if he was manic or just down off synthetics or a bit of both. I did witness an organic depressive episode once tho and for my roommate he would get really nasty. Like say shit that was super hurtful to get under your skin and also he would hate anything and everything and god forbid you said something like its a “pretty day” he would be like “I hate this day. f*** the sun”. It would usually be a 2 week down period but the most intense portions of his episodes were only a 2-4 days because then my roommate would cave and call his therapist (he has been in therapy his whole adult life) and they would create a new “plan” and that means his meds. It would take about two weeks for the meds to finally regulate him and then he would be fine. A lot of my roomies episodes were self induced because he would stop his meds but when he was on meds he was fine he had moments he was blue but nothing he couldn't manage. So personally I would say every 6 months for two weeks he would experience an episode but once again it was self induced. Also my roommate was 100% responsible for triggering himself at times via his partying. He is not an idiot he knows the consequences he has had bipolar since he was 17 he knows how his brain works(he is highly aware that he is someone that will live medicated for the entirety of his life) I just think human nature gets the best of us sometimes. However I will say my roommate is one of my closest friends. I love that kid. He is married now and just had a kid. He doesn't party anymore but you know organically he will one day have an episode but for the most part once you live with him you sorta of get use to it. Its just something that happens every few months. So just plan ahead and learn to communicate a lot but once again my roommate is 30 he doesn't hide his bipolar he owns it he will even tell new friends like “hey one day I may be acting weird its probably my bipolar flaring up” (like its fucking allergies or something) but he is so use to it by now he has been living with his diagnoses so long. So you just know as his friend that eventually you will catch him during a time when it’s flaring up. Also for me I got to know him well enough I also knew when it was happening. They are signs but once again for the most part we just lived day by day like normal as long as he took medication. Oh and for my roommate personally he has only ever experienced 2/3 “dark” episodes meaning he checked himself in for his own personal safety. I hope this long explanation helps!

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine, though work was kinda stressing me out. I had my alarm set for 8:45, I didn't have court but needed to get some messages fired off first thing. so I did that, then went back to bed for a bit until I had an 11 am reference call for an awesome intern that worked with us last year (I always make sure our very excellent interns know I am more than happy to serve as a reference for them in the future). after that I got up and started working on a few things, some for a case we're taking over tomorrow but mostly for the hearing I have on Friday. Made an instacart order and then had a 2 pm video appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm low key irritated about the psych med situation at the moment, because a few months back we took me off one of the meds I've been on since like 2013 because the levels of one of my other meds were super high in my blood, and they thought that med was causing it. the levels are still high, but less so than they were. the issue now being that I was stable on that med combo basically since 2013 (with a few dips here and there, a notable one in 2017 when they tried to take me off the medication that was high in my blood and it went VERY poorly) and now being off one of them I'm definitely experiencing depression symptoms again, which I really hate. It's mostly just having issues getting out of bed in the morning and just wanting to sleep all the time, but that's like, the hallmark depression symptom for me and was a huge issue for me throughout high school when I missed 40+ days of school for both my junior and senior years of high school (each). and I just like really hate that?? but he doesn't want to put me back on that med, which like I understand his concerns from a medical standpoint, but it's also frustrating because I know it was working for me, and I'd rather just go with that and take the risks rather than play around with different meds and try to find one that works, which is what we're currently doing. but yeah, we decided to try a thyroid hormone (I think?) that can act as a stimulant, but is generally only supposed to be used in the short term, so idk what we'll do after that. I need to get a blood test first to check my current thyroid level, so I may try to sneak out and do that tomorrow if I have time. I then had a hearing prep meeting for that at 3, and it did not quite go as planned. Apparently the statement in the petition was somewhat mistranslated and somewhat suggested there were more witnesses/evidence than there actually was, so overall it's going to end up being a pretty weak case that I'm not at all sure we stand a chance at winning. so that's super frustrating honestly. The meeting itself was also just super long and draining, and we didn't even finish, so we have to pick back up with that tomorrow afternoon. sigh. oh well. we finished up that for the day and I worked on a few other things before logging my hours for the day. made dinner which was good, then basically just chilled for the rest of the evening, took some garbage down and then showered a bit early in an attempt to get more sleep so I'll be less tired. And yeah, got ready for bed and now I'm here, nice and sleepy so I'm going to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday didn't suck.