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sulphuryasecretcloset · 4 years ago

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What if...10b

Okay, so this ‘epilogue’ became... a monster. I decided to split chapter 10 into two parts because it was already so big, and, uh, yeah, now I’m splitting 10b into three parts. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ENABLE ME, PEOPLE. Your lovely comments, your kind reblogs and support turned this from what was supposed to be no more than 4 chapters into 90 000 word ramble.

*ahem*

So part 10b is Dulcy POV, 10c is chaotic everyone POV, and then there will be a bonus part for someone who didn’t get to join Dulcy and Dav’s little family.

What if Dulsissia hadn’t died, what if she had grabbed Corin and fled? What if she met Davarax? What if…

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10a

Epilogue; Dulcy

“We’ll be back later, dad!” Corin exclaims from where he’s standing next to Din in the doorway, eager to call Davarax that at every occasion he can find.

Davarax nods and gives a light wave to the two teenagers about to step out of the house they have rented on this obscure, little planet and head into the nearby town. (Having picked up a bit of Motti credits makes things a lot easier.) “Duly noted, son.”

The slight smile on his face tells Dulsissia that Davarax is well aware of Corin’s need to constantly reaffirm their new relationship and indulges him with never-ending patience. But what she also notes is how Din hesitates half a second while Corin turns to leave and she sees there is hurt in his dark eyes as they linger on Davarax.

That evening, while Barthor wraps up his conversation with his father via the holo-communicator, Davarax holds Raga back until the boy is done and the line is free for her to call her parents.

Dulsissia glances after Barthor shuffling back towards their house, helmet held low and shoulders slumped. Just like during previous calls, his parents show close to no interest in their son and he is equally disappointed every time. “Dav?”

Davarax turns his attention away from Raga and over to Dulsissia. “Yeah?”

��Why don’t you adopt the others too? Like you did with Corin?” Her heart breaks every time she sees these children with sadness in their eyes and Davarax is the one who always brings smiles to their faces.

Sighing, Davarax leans against the door frame. “It’s not that easy…”

“Why not?”

“For one thing, Paz and Raga have their families. The Saxons are… unique, but they love her. And Dez, well, I hope that maybe he’ll come to his senses.” Davarax looks over at Barthor’s retreating shape as well. “Barthor… I might have to talk to him about it.”

Dulsissia frowns as he doesn’t mention the most obvious one of all; “What about Din?”

“Din…” Davarax looks down at the floor. He looks guilty. “I messed that up. Big time.”

“He’d forgive you in a heartbeat.” Dulsissia declares. “He worships you.”

“Maybe.” Davarax replies, not sounding convinced. “But I don’t deserve his forgiveness. And after what he’s been through, I think Din needs to be allowed to hold on to his roots before another adult tries to pressure their identity on him.”

What that boy needs is a father, Dulsissia thinks, but before she can voice her thoughts she’s distracted by someone shouting. Looking over, she sees Raga’s mother in the holo-projector screaming at someone out of sight before turning back to focus on her daughter again.

“What was that, Raga? You said something about how many push ups? You’re up to what now?”

“Fifty-”

“PUT THAT DOWN!” Raga’s mother bellows to her right and then makes a frustrated grunt and reaches out to grab someone. “Here. Talk to your brother. I have to murder your other two brothers for a bit.” She steps away and a smaller Mandalorian with a green helmet takes her place.

“Raga. Still ugly I see. You really should have kept the helmet on.”

“Sioben. Still a moron, I hear. I was kind of hoping dad had followed through on his threat to dropkick you into space.” Raga counters. “Paz taught me some new tricks. I’m going to kick your ass when I see you again.”

Sioben shakes his head. “I don’t know why he puts up with you. He could have anyone he wants, he’s a huge badass ‘and’ a Vizla. I can’t think of a single reason why he lets you stick around.”

“Don’t hurt your brain trying to think.” Raga snarls.

“At least I have a brain. Unlike you.” Sioben fires back.

A hand appears and smacks into Sioben’s helmet and he goes toppling out of sight and Raga’s mother appears again. “Listen, I have to go. I’m a bit busy here. Say hi to Davarax from me. Be careful out there, Raga. Byebye.” The woman’s holo-image dissolves and she’s gone.

When Raga walks out of the room, Dulsissia reaches out and touches her shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“What for?” Raga asks with a huge grin. “Didn’t you hear that? She didn’t yell at me once!”

Dulsissia looks over at Davarax with a look of slight belief while the girl walks away, humming happily and he can only offer a weak shrug in return.

And on the subject of Paz and Raga...

While there are still sides to the Mandalorian culture that are still a mystery to her, Dulsissia remembers more than enough about what it was like to be a human a teenager to see what is happening there.

The two have been drawn together as friends since they were small children, as far as Dulsissia understands. They always gravitate towards each other. If you see one, odds are good that the other is nearby or about to appear. And Dulsissia feels both compassion and amusement as she sees the growing awkwardness as a different kind of attraction between them starts to enter the picture.

Dulsissia tries to hide her laughter when she sees Raga pretending to need a water break but only so she can let her gaze roam all over Paz as he continues his intense training next to her. Raga has always been climbing him like a jungle gym, but these days it brings a flush to her cheeks when he holds her close or play-wrestle with her, and Raga even smiles in her sleep the times she drowses off with her head resting on his chest. It’s a shame she seems unable to voice what she feels.

This leads to the seething anger in Raga’s eyes when Paz mindlessly flirt with the local girls and basks in their attention. An anger which causes her to pick fights with Din and the others, violent fights that always ends badly for at least one of them and Davarax has to patch them up while trying to calm Raga down.

At the same time, with a stealth worthy of admiration, Paz’ gaze discretely seeks out Raga with an interest and longing he doesn’t show any of the local girls desperately trying to hold his attention. His attention trail along her curves, he flushes at glimpses of her skin and it is kind of cute how he’s only happy if Raga is happy.

Unfortunately Paz seems too insecure, which is absurd, to actually show how her how he feels.

His temper is as bad as Raga’s, though, which causes Paz to one day actually punch a hole in a wall. He flat out refuses to explain why he’d done it, even when Davarax wraps up his bleeding hand and asks in a frustrated voice what is going on with him, but Dulsissia accidentally overheard earlier when Raga agreed to go out on a date with a suitor of her own and suspects that is why.

“I’m going to help them.” Dulsissia declares one morning after Raga had managed to draw both Din and Corin into a vicious brawl the previous evening, just after Paz had gone out to meet some girl.

Davarax grunts, half-asleep on his stomach with his face partly burrowed into the pillow. “They’ll figure it out eventually.”

She sends him, or his back to be more precise, a dry glance. “Are you kidding me? Those two? If someone doesn’t help them along, it’ll take yeeaars.”

Davarax snorts a laugh. “At your own peril, cyare.”

Dulsissia thinks about all her excellent work as a matchmaker back on Seswenna. That included family ranks, politics and enough credits to buy a minor planet. These are two teenagers. She’s got this.

It’s a delicate mission. First Dulsissia establishes through a little research that there is absolutely no doubt that these two feel the same and are just too emotionally constipated to do something about it, then she goes to work on them separately. Hints, questions and light nudges.

It takes a surprisingly short time for them to admit to her what she already knows, but neither is willing to make the first move.

“Why not go for it?” Dulsissia eventually asks..

“I don’t think he/she thinks of me that way…” Raga/Paz replies. Her face bright red as she half-heartedly trains defensive moves with Dulsissia one sun-soaked day. Him with quiet sadness when Dulsissia delivers some clean laundry to his room one evening.

“I think you’d be surprised.” Dulsissia teases and winks.

After that, they become a little braver. Instead of just friendly bickering, Raga and Paz both add a little intent and teasing to their interactions, and that eventually develop into outright flirting.

During training Davarax sends Dulsissia a dry look when Paz, instead of following through with his attack, merely keeps his hands against the wall, fencing in the grinning and uncharacteristically passive Raga and hovers there with a slight smirk of his own. Davarax rolls his eyes when Raga, after flipping Paz over and have him land on his back, simply straddles his stomach and pretends to hold him down with her hands on his shoulders instead of following through with her attack and Paz, also uncharacteristically passive, looks like he’s enjoying himself more than anything else.

Dulsissia regrets nothing.

Barthor is in heavy denial, Din wrinkles his nose and Corin is incredibly oblivious as Paz and Raga keep inching their way closer to what they both dream about having. They push things as far as they can go and then some, before one of them finally dares to cross the line...

Sitting next to each other on the stairs behind the big battle arena, Paz and Raga had decided to sneak outside the building instead of staying with the others to watch the final game. Usually they both live and breathe for such big fights, but for some reason it seemed more tempting to sneak off like this.

They sit in this dark back-alley, her shoulder bumping lightly against his upper arm, talking.

It’s silly. They see each other every day, they talk every day, and yet they struggle to look at the other right now. Words tumble a little awkwardly. Hearts thump hard.

Then there is a huge cheer from the crowd inside the arena and Paz looks over at Raga. She looks back over at him, and after a moment of hesitation, he cautiously leans towards her.

Raga’s eyes light up. Oh. But just as she lifts her chin a little to meet him, giving him an unspoken invite, Paz abruptly loses his courage and quickly withdraws to stare down at the ground again.

Raga exhales, disappointed. Suddenly her eyes flare with angry annoyance and she thumps her shoulder against his arm, and when he looks at her, she quickly leans over and presses a brief, hard kiss to his lips. After that, she’s the one to turn to stare at the ground while heat burns in her face.

Stunned, Paz stares at her. He stares for what feels like a small eternity, then he slowly reaches out his hand, touches by her jawline and eases her into facing him again. And that is when he finally has the courage to lean over, his fingers still resting on her skin, and ever so softly touches his lips to hers.

It’s a gentle, trying thing. Raga draws a shivering breath, her lips trembling a little as well but soon they move to meet his as he cautiously coaxes a response from her.

After a little while, Paz pulls back and scans her face for her response.

Raga grins.

That makes him smile as well.

Dulsissia is obnoxiously pleased. Declaring herself the matchmaking champion.

Davarax only regrets not stopping her when stolen kisses in secret between the two becomes public make-out sessions. Truth be told, he wouldn’t have minded if had taken yeeeaars before he had to see that.

But he draws the line of having to watch it in their house. Entering the living room and finding them at it again, Davarax kicks at the sofa, making them jump apart. “Tongues in separate mouths when I’m around. Not negotiable.”

Paz flushes deep red. Raga glares.

And Dulsissia wonders who she can match up next...

While Dulsissia’s stop on Seswenna had resulted in them having a nice amount of credits to use on their family, Davarax knows they won’t last forever and he’s too used to support his family to stop, so he takes on the occasional job. And it’s easier now than before Dulsissia came into his life.

It’s strange not be be constantly exhausted. It’s even stranger not to have nightmares any more but wake up in the mornings with a sigh of satisfaction or even a smile on his face.

His favourite jobs are the ones where Dulsissia joins him. She’s come far from the helpless beauty he’d met what feels like a lifetime ago. Now she’s a deadly beauty. And the sight of her in Mandalorian armor is the best bonus he’s ever gotten on a job.

This is an easy contract. Just head up to a damaged cargo ship floating just above the planet, pick up the shipment and bring it to the owner on the surface. It’s the rumours of pirates in the area that makes them want to hire a couple of Mandalorians.

The ship is where it’s supposed to be, there are no signs of pirates, and Davarax does the mistake of thinking this mission will go without a hitch. He and Dulsissia board the ship and walk towards the cargo hold to secure their target.

It is years of experience combined with quick reflexes that saves Davarax’ life when something drops from the ceiling in the hallway. He jolts backwards and sparks fly as something sharp slides across his breastplate. Davarax tries to lift his blaster to fire at his attacker, but a boot kicks his arm and the shot goes wide.

It becomes a wild dance of attacks launched at him, sparks flying again and again when his armor takes the brunt, and he frantically back-pedals to stay alive. A streak of yellow spins in front of him and Davarax gets his arm up just in time for the vibro blade to impale it instead of his throat. The pain rages through him and instinct makes Davarax turn to the best weapon he has in such a close encounter; a harsh kov’nyn.

His opponent collapses while he stumbles backwards and clutches his arm. The blade is still vibrating and sending waves of agony through him while tearing more of his flesh. He yanks it out, fighting back the intense urge to scream with pain, unable to respond right away despite hearing Dulsissia calling out his name in fear.

Once his eyes clears again, Davarax realizes Dulsissia is by his side and trying to make him let her look at his arm and he sees the crumpled shape on the floor.

A skinny Twi’lek youth around Raga’s age. Her skin under layers of dirt looks to be pale yellow, her clothes are rags and even unconscious she looks angry.

Well, that was unexpected.

“She’s just a kid.” Dulsissia whispers with quiet disbelief, wrapping his arm.

“I was too busy trying to keep her from cutting my throat to notice.” Davarax rumbles, twitching slightly when Dulsissia tightens the bandage. His heart softens. “I wonder what her story is...”

Her name is Zev’sonya and she’s anything but friendly. Sure, his own kids have a habit of baring their teeth every once in a while, even at him, but this one? She’s outright hostile and extremely dangerous. And while his kids’ trust in others has been severely damaged, hers is non-existent. Whatever her story might be, she’s not telling them anything beyond her being on her own.

Davarax has absolutely no idea how Dulsissia manages to persuade the girl to come with them.

It takes over a standard week to make her stop trying to kill and rob them. A lot longer for her to actually trust them, especially Davarax.

Zev’sonya and Raga end up in a fist-fight two minutes after the initial introduction. Paz watches her with some cautiousness but he’s not unfriendly. Barthor avoids her like the plague. Corin is terrified of her and claims she keeps stealing the blades in the house. (Dulsissia knows he’s right as she keeps retrieving them from the twi’lek’s room.)

The only one she instantly connects with is Din, who seems to share her way of communicating in as few words as possible and have no fear of her scowls.

They renew their rent on the house and Davarax recruits Din to help build a couple of sheds and do some repairs on it.

After a scorchingly hot day, emerging from the refresher room, Dulsissia saunters over to the big bed in their room where Davarax is reading something on his datapad. She crawls into the bed and rolls over to face him with a dramatic sigh. “Dav? Cyare?”

“Mmh?” He replies, not looking up from his datapad.

“I’m hungry…”

Davarax lowers the datapad and reaches out to run his hand gently over her hair. “What are you in the mood for?”

“There’s leftovers from dinner...”

She rarely asks him to bring her things because she knows he will stop whatever he’s doing and get it and she doesn’t want to abuse that kindness. But this is a special occasion. After he’s padded out of the room, she slides the medical scanner out of her pocket and places it on his side of the bed.

A few minutes later, Davarax comes back with two plates. “Food for my love. And I brought some sweets for dessert too. Might as well make it a proper meal when we’re dining in bed.” He hands her one of the plates with flourish.

She leans up and gives him a kiss, which he is very pleased to accept, and waits as he circles the bed to get in on his side.

Davarax frowns a little when he sees something in his way, reaches down and picks it up so he can settle in his spot again. “This yours?” He holds it out to her.

Sighing, Dulsissia fails to hold back a smile. “Look at it.”

He studies the device but the numbers on the screen doesn’t make sense to him. Davarax glances over at her again, now a little worried. “A medical scanner? You’re not sick, are you?”

She shakes her head, losing the battle against a bubbling laugh. “No. Look at it, silly.”

Davarax looks again. “I’m looking, but what am I supposed to…” Finally the information on the screen makes sense to him and what it means. His gaze snaps back at her. The plate in his other hand is completely forgotten. “Y-you’re…? Are you…?”

Taking a bite of her food, Dulsissia nods and her cheeks hurt from smiling so much. “I’m pregnant.” It’s almost funny how happy she is with this fact. After Corin was born, the mere thought of having another baby offended Dulsissia after she had come to realize that was the only reason why Macero wanted her. But that was in the past. Things are so very different now.

Davarax nearly drops his plate, only his quick reflexes prevents him from spilling it all over the bed. He cautiously, but as quickly as possible, places his plate on the night-stand so he can hold on to the medical scanner with both hands, reading the information once again. “You… You’re sure?”

“You’re looking at the evidence, mister. I scanned ten minutes ago.” She takes another bite, endlessly amused by the whirlwind of emotions visibly rushing through him. He keeps wobbling back and forth between intense happiness, paralysing fear and blind excitement. It is so painfully sweet to see how much he wants this. “Breathe, baby.” Dulsissia advices.

Davarax gulps down some air, then puts the scanner aside and turns all of his focus on her. “Are… are you okay? Do you need me to do anything? What do I do?”

Laughing a little, even more charmed by him being so uncharacteristically clumsy and helpless, Dulsissia glances over at him. “I thought Mandalorians were experts on children. They didn’t teach you about how this is going to work?”

Davarax hesitates and then he reaches out and touches her hand. “Sort of, but all I care about is what you need me to do. Weapons and flowers, remember?”

Dulsissia feels the usual wave of warmth and adoration when Davarax is his sweet self and she curls her fingers around his. “I remember. And we’ll work this out as well.”

That seems to reassure him and his shoulders relaxes a little. Enough so that she lets go of his hand and goes back to eating. Maybe it is just knowing she’s pregnant again that makes her so hungry, but at least it is a very valid excuse to indulge.

Davarax is silent. Too silent.

After a while, Dulsissia has to laugh again as she realizes what he’s doing. He’s staring at her stomach. “There is nothing noticeable going on there quite yet. It’s too early. You’re going to have to be patient for a while before things get exciting for you.”

Davarax gives a tiny shake of his head. “This is already one of the most exciting things I’ve ever been a part of.” He looks like he’s about to say something more but loses courage.

“What?” Dulsissia asks, taking another bite of her food.

“Can I…?” He lifts his hand a little in a mute request.

Stars above, she loves this man more than she thought was possible. Dulsissia lets out a soft laugh. “There’s nothing much to feel right now, like I said, but… if you want to, go ahead.”

Davarax inches closer, reaches out further and cautiously places his hand on her stomach, below her bellybutton. His hand is warm and so very careful and lingers there for a while. “Hey, you…” Davarax eventually says in a quiet voice, a little strained with emotion. “Welcome to the family.”

Dulsissia doesn’t make a sound as the first tears trail from her eyes, overwhelmed by how right this feels, how much she loves him and their unborn child and their beautiful family. This time, she knows, this time everything will be perfect.

When Dulsissia tells him, Corin is incredibly excited to become a big brother. Paz declares he’s mighty pleased their clan is growing, sounding like the adult he now looks like despite still not having enough years on his back to deserve that title in Dulsissia’s eyes, and the other Mandalorian youngsters eagerly agree with him. Davarax looks a little awkward when they start talking about how they can create a Covert of their own at the pace their clan is growing.

Half an eternity later, when the evening comes where she feels the first barely noticeable change, Dulsissia calls Davarax over and slides his hand over her stomach. She feels him shiver and he looks at her with breathless awe. She has to laugh and then kisses that look off his face.

A little over six standard weeks after that, Davarax feels the first curving before she notices herself, on a sleepy morning when he, as usual, runs his hand over her stomach.

Corin and the other boys hover near her with innocent curiosity and watch the development with bright fascination, while Raga and Zev’sonya stay a little more in the back and observe with cautious interest.

When Dulsissia really starts showing, that is the point where Davarax’ self-control starts slipping. He has tried his hardest to act normal, yet now he becomes downright clingy. Others might have gotten a bit annoyed with the man’s behaviour, but Dulsissia knows the sadness of going through this with someone who doesn’t care, who can’t even bother to be there, so she happily suffers through his tactile presence.

Dulsissia even has to hide tears one evening when he inches close, runs his hand over her stomach yet again and softly hums a Mandalorian lullaby to their restless child.

Then she gets even bigger and Dulsissia realizes she’d forgotten this part. She gets grouchy, her feet aches, her back aches, everything aches, she has to pee all the time, she can barely get up if she does the mistake of sitting down, she can’t sleep like she wants to, and Dulsissia decides the thought of delivering the child isn’t all that bad if she can just get back to normal, please!

It is all worth it when the time comes after seven hours of hard work and sweet, sweet pain killers, and Dulsissia gets to meet her daughter as she’s placed in her arms.

She is absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way and so very, very loved!

Looking up at Davarax by her side, Dulsissia is both crying and laughing at once. “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Davarax, pale as a sheet, nods with a look of awe on his face.

Allowing herself another moment of holding their child, admiring her, kissing her, Dulsissia makes herself look up at Davarax again. “You want to hold her?”

To her surprise, he hesitates and looks like he’s about to take a step away. Catching himself, Davarax remains where he is and tries to remember how to speak. “I… Are you sure?”

Laughing a little, Dulsissia is far too exhausted to untangle the mystery of his mind at the moment. “Of course I’m sure. She’s your daughter too.”

“It’s just…” Davarax reaches out a cautious hand only to withdraw it before he can actually touch the wailing baby. “I don’t know how. I mean, I don’t want to hurt her. I-I’ve never held a baby before. She’s so tiny, Dulcy.”

“She’s tougher than you think.” Dulsissia replies, then turns a little to make it easier for him to pick up the baby. “Support her head, careful with the neck, like that, yeah… Perfect.” She leans back, exhausted and strangely enough a bit hungry, but for the time being she is satisfied to just take in the sight of her husband and their child connecting.

“Hello, ik’aad.” Davarax looks nervous, awkward and absolutely devastated by the intense adoration he feels for the still screaming bundle in his arms. The baby really do look tiny in his embrace, fragile even, but that doesn’t prevent her from aimlessly raising her tiny fist in what looks to be a threat.

Mandokarla from the birth.

Dulsissia sees how tears well up in Davarax’ eyes and he leans down to place a feather-light kiss on the baby’s head.

Corin is staring wide-eyed at the baby and eagerly reaches out when his mother eases her over into his arms.

“Say hello to your new sister.” Dulsissia says in a quiet voice, hoping not to wake the sleeping baby.

Din hovers over Corin’s right shoulder and reaches out to ever so gently run his fingers over the dark tufts of hair on her head. “She’s cute.”

“So tiny…” Paz observes, hovering over Corin’s left shoulder, sounding a bit worried.

“She’ll get bigger, idiot.” Barthor mutters, tilting his helmet as he studies the baby too.

“Are… are you okay?” Raga asks Dulsissia while the boys block the view to the new arrival.

Smiling, reaching out a hand and curling her fingers around Raga’s when she takes it, Dulsissia gives her a reassuring nod. “I’m fine, baby. Corin gave me a lot more trouble than this one.”

Corin blinks and looks up to focus on her for a moment. “I did?”

Dulsissia nods. “Yeah, you were not inclined to come out to greet the world. It took over two days to persuade you.”

“Two days?” Raga blurts out, with no small amount of horror.

“It sounds worse than it was.” Dulsissia reassures her. “Without the pain meds I’m sure it would have been a nightmare, but with them, it’s mostly just uncomfortable and boring.”

“Two days and you still decided to have another child?” Davarax asks from where he is hovering in the background.

“Well, yeah.” Dulsissia shrugs. The amount of joy her son has given her was well worth it. And without him she would never have broken free from her golden cage, so, no, she had not hesitated to do it all over again. Her daughter is already worth it too. “Zev. Baby. Come say hello. Don’t just hide over there.” She waves the Twi’lek over and fails to see everyone there stare at her with the kind of awe saved for the most impressive of Mandalorian warriors.

They call the baby Nemi.

#the mandalorian his son and the storm trooper #What If #Dulsissia Motti #Davarax #Teenage Corin #Fearsome Four #Mandorin AU

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shyperfectioncollectionme-blog · 7 years ago

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Hello, all!

Now I write a letter to the world,

High school is over and done with. These last 4 years have left an indelible influence on my life. In the end, I was actually grateful for quite a few things I experienced. The biggest thing I walk away with is now my present sense of self-worth.

It's easy to feel insecure in high school if it wasn't thousands of books, tv shows, and musicals wouldn't exist today. I bore you with going my sob story about being bullied in high school because in some way or another we all have that story. We were all are treated less than kindly by other students and we all did the same to each other. Part of that has to do with growing maturity levels and it doesn't help that we millennials were brought up in the information age.

After all the wrong and good I did, I realized that NOBODY is a professional at being human, normal, or respected. Whether or not you're the cutting edge of your peer group or just a shy autistic kid drawing alone in the lunch room; you are not a professional. For four years I did everything I could in order to undo my image of being less than a loser. I failed more and more I soured in and out of cliques and social groups and nothing truly satisfied me. I cried and cried for things to change and nothing ever did.

My senior year in high school, I finally did manage to make a change that I felt would make me the cool dude of my dreams. I got a job. I was a Bagger at a locally owned grocery store in town. This is was it, time to become awesome! I lasted one month. In the end, I called into work with a tear rolling down my face and gave a shaky excuse for why I couldn't keep coming in anymore. This was it, this was the thing that finally shattered my pursuit. I was broken inside, so like a miss-fitt toy, I sailed off to an uncharted island where nobody could find me. I called this island my room. I locked myself inside and I was determined to stay there until the hurt was gone.

When that would happen was anyone's guess, but graduation was fast approaching and I felt an urge that I gotta do something with my life. So I was prescribed some new medication and started attending a weekly therapy session. I figured since I'm such a screw-up I should do what all screw ups do, get help! In the beginning, I saw myself as the borderline mental patient, who was just reaching out for dear life. But, I began to change in the most un-excepted ways!

When I spoke to these doctors I felt something I never really had before self-worth. When I talked about my past traumas, my present insecurities, and my future hopes, they treated them like they had value. Like I have value. I would leave therapy sessions with an odd mixture of confusion and acceptance. Suddenly, I was just like everybody else made in the image of God beautiful, earnest, and just as capable of following my dreams as anyone else. But sooner or later a storm cloud would blow over my head again and I was right back to square one. Sh*t!

This back and forth went on and on, until after graduation. When I finally held my diploma in hand a sort of invisible lightning bolt struck me on the side of the head and I finally realized what I had to do to be a happy person. Not a COOL person, but a HAPPY person. I had to marry myself. I was done dating me and decided to make an honest man out of myself and tye the knot. (I mean this figuratively!)

For better or for worse I am who I am. As long as I try my best, I have no need to feel guilt or shame very long. I know I am a good person because of my actions and that doesn't change if I mess up because I said: "I DO." That means after every mess up, I dust myself off and keep going because I'm ok and I know the love I have for myself is not going to waiver. Because I can't lose my own being, can I? When I'm healthy I'm going to cheer myself on to keep going. When I'm sick, I'll play doctor until I'm back to health. I'll ask for help and doesn't make me less of a person, I'll talk openly and honestly about my autism as it is just a part of that makes more beautiful in the eyes of God. For better or for worse. I committed to myself until I meet my natural end!

I know what your thinking. Another loser who is just proclaiming self-help as a way to fix all issues. We've all walked down the isle of self-help books and been confused by the jargon these people throw out. I am saying this as a human being. All things are transient, the world is cruel, and it goes by much too fast. So with these cruel facts of life as they are and not changing anytime soon. I say that if you lose everything else at one point or another if you stare up into the night sky and feel a void( as we all do) then making a commitment of love to the one thing you can't lose and the only thing you take into eternity: YOURSELF.

Whether you believe you are worth it or not, you've all you got in the end. So take care of yourself. Love yourself as much as you can and do everyone else a favor by treating them as you like to be treated. You can't sacrifice others to yourself. If you do then your back on the road to self-destruction. Do the best you can, but the world is cruel. But as long as you love yourself you'll strive to the horizon. You'll get knocked down and know it's not always your fault then get back up. You'll make personal changes to be a better person and it's not because of your a bad person. It's because you're a human being and you can attach a greater meaning to your life than just trying to pull yourself up by your boot straps and not mess up again(you will). In short, you'll survive.

Go to doctors and ask for help! They'll help you know and understand yourself and then you'll take care of yourself. Once you start taking care of yourself then you'll know truly at heart you are not a bad person. That you have the power to make decisions and decisions change your life and once you've changed your life you realize it can be almost anything you want it to be. You can be a happy person and you have the power to see the silver lining of any situattion. This isn't permission to do others wrong, this is permission to give yourself the right you've all desired in life. The answer is YES to the question of can I survive as long as I love myself. But, you'll see as you change that now that you're married to yourself you know how to treat and care for others as human beings made in the image of God. So you'll reach out(at your own pace and find people that eventually suit you and help you grow. But in the end you only can rely on yourself, so make sure you've said: "I DO."

SORRY, THIS IS SO LONG, I JUST GOT ON AN TANGENT AND THIS IS THE RESULT. IM NOT SAYING ALL OF THIS IS IS A PERFECT INTERPRETATION OF MY LIFE OR YOURS IT'S JUST THE BEST I GOT. I THINK MY FIRST POST SHOULD STATE MY CURRENT REFECTIONS ON HUMANITY. THIS POST IS ACTUALLY SHORT COMPARED TO ALL THE THINGS I COULD WRITE ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO SELF, BUT YOU REALLY WOULDN'T READ IT. I AM NOT EVEN SO SURE HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL READ ALL OF THIS.

Thank you all, you read this all the way through. I'll write again soon, about things probably not so personal. I don't like being this candid so much.

ByeBye!

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ethicallysourcedhumanmeat · 8 years ago

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Lost Boys: Day Two:5

[ < ][first][ > ] [AO3][Masterpost]

He’s on the train back from his meeting with the director when he wonders if No would be at rehearsal; He wants to tell her about getting the part. Elle had seemed so excited she’d even left him a really cute voicemail while he was on a call with his agent just now but for some reason he wanted to tell No about it. He couldn’t really figure out why, he hadn’t really gotten to talk to her all that much, but he wanted to know her better.

Maybe it was the intensity he saw when she was rehearsing, Elle was so cute but No, well she was definitely attractive, nope, this was a professional interest. Watching her fence, watching her run lines, she could match his intensity if she did musicals, and she could sing if she got past her stage fright.

Yes, getting to know her was purely professional.

Standing on the train back into the city he sees a boy with blue hair and remembers the chat with V from earlier. It had been weird, something had been off, and Elle’s demeanor had totally changed for the brief time they were talking to him. She must be a fan, god she’s so cute, that’s probably why V was strange, he could probably tell.

When he gets inside he doesn’t have to ask if anyone has seen her. Most of the performers have stopped to eat, and being Friday the space is pretty empty but No is on the stage, the bright white of her headphone cord flares out with her movements, stark against the dark coloured tank top she wears.

She’s dancing now? God was she just good at everything? Well, not good, there was something not right about the way she moved, she seemed to struggle with her feet. Maybe he could offer to help? But she stops and pulls her phone out of her shirt, makes some notes, stretches and starts again.

“Hyun, you’re back,” the director slaps him on the back. “Did you forget something?”

“Oh, I, uh, just thought I’d—”

“Don’t hurt yourself kid, you don’t have to tell me which one it is. You’ve got perfect timing regardless; I just got the first draft of your script.”

Nina had been happy to see her. Noelle had arrived at the end of one of her classes, a bunch of grade school kids ranging in skill from constantly laying on the ice to practicing camel spins when they thought no one was looking. She tried to sneak in and hide in the bleachers with the parents but Nina clearly saw her, she supposed being a head taller than most of the parents with a bright blue skate bag over her shoulder probably wasn’t the subtlest she could have been.

Nina had practically slammed into the boards and screamed her name.

“When you said you might stop by later I thought you meant my house for a drink, you know since your short break has turned into six whole months.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get your hopes up it’s just been really busy at work, and I’ve been spending a lot of times at rehearsals, I keep meaning to come back it’s just—”

“You do you babe,” Nina had laughed and planted a comical sucking kiss on her cheek. “Get your skates on and help me round up these little monsters!”

She’d meant to, she really had but when she was lacing up her skates her phone had chimed and, well that had been the weirdest conversation she’d ever had. V was Jihyun, she’d known that, it was his Photography Psued, but he’d been cold. Maybe that’s who he was now, no one seemed to find it out of place, Zen had seemed so happy to see him.

Was she crying, shit, it had been so long. Did he know it was her? No, why did she care. She didn’t care if Jihyun knew, so what if he’d been like that on purpose, it was probably for her benefit, this was why she didn’t call him.

“Hey, if you didn’t want to skate with the kids you could have just said,” Nina frowned down at her but her face softened. “Noelle, what’s wrong? Sorry, I didn’t-”

She shook her head. “No it’s fine, I got distracted by one of those sad dog transformations on facebook.”

Nina shook her head. “You didn’t, but you don’t have to talk about it, what’s up?”

Noelle leads her friend back to the ice and explained the situation to her, of course Nina was already familiar with the source, just like she’d hoped and after two hours on the ice, not only did Noelle have more reference shots than she knew what to do with, they’d managed to work out a simple standalone program that Noelle was going to animate in her non-existent free time as plan-b.

Just like she’d hoped Nina didn’t even want payment, Noelle simply had to commit to coming back to their skating family, teaching a group class once a week, and consider coaching private lessons.

“I know you’ve got a lot on your plate but as soon as you finish this project I get you one day a week, guaranteed, that’s all I ask.”

Noelle had laughed and agreed.

With that worked out she went home, proper home, and packed a bag. Her things, Darryl’s things, her computer and tablet, she even grabbed her favorite mug out of the cupboard. She collected Darryl from her neighbor and thanked her profusely.

“Are you moving Noelle?”

“Oh no Ma’am,” Noelle smiled up at the older woman from where she knelt in front of her dog, “just house sitting for a while.”

“Oh that’s very kind of you.”

She drags 2 suitcases, a gig bag, a laptop bag and a giant dog into the elevator. Her phone chimes again as she drops everything in the entry way. Darryl saunters past, laying one big slobbery kiss on her forehead before surveying his temporary kingdom and Noelle lets herself fall gently to the floor where she lays face down while she fishes her phone out of her pocket.

“So are you married to your dog?” 707 laughs on the other end of the phone.

“It’s an open relationship,” she grunts.

“So is that a family thing? Does Chief Han have a ferret his girlfriends can never live up to?”

Noelle sits up cross legged and laughs. “You know we’re not really related right? I mean big bad hacker did a background check on me so...”

“Hey the internet says you guys were doing the incest, who am I to question— No, No, Elle don’t hang up I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

“It’s not funny, that ruined my life, okay, and it was a stupid rumor nothing ever happened.”

“I could get rid of it if you want,” his voice is earnest, softer than she’d yet heard.

“It’s been so long, the damage is done.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, “I’ve already got a program that can do the job, just a little tweak, it’s already going along, hungry little buddy, no more nasty rumors about you and your not-brother.”

She laughs despite herself. Where was this guy 8 years ago?

“Byebye,” he chirps and the line goes dead.

She’s sitting in her car in the free parking lot a few blocks from the rehearsal space when her phone chirps again. She’d gotten groceries and decided to pack dinner for herself; she’d eat it when she got home probably, she rarely ever had an appetite when she was rehearsing.

She pulls her phone out of her pocket and checks the notification from the messenger. Zen is excited about a new role, written just for him, Jesus where do I find fangirls? She swallows her jealousy and cheers him on. She’d flirted with him earlier in the day and she was tempted to call him and flirt again, it would stem the disappointment. He was on his way home.

Fuck it, she does call him but it goes straight to voicemail. She leaves a message for him, conscious of the pitch of her voice, a little higher than her practiced speaking voice, a little more femme than she normal goes for, 707 had been clear he couldn’t know that she was Elle.

Her agent is more than apologetic and she feels her body tense in anticipation as he lifts her off the floor in an bear hug. She shrugs and hangs her things up, switches to her slippers and scouts out the stage. She should be running lines, finding someone to read with her at the audition, they’d specified they wanted the performers to bring a scene partner, someone not vying for a role in the showcase.

But she really needed to get the flow of this choreography down, she had the foot work down when she’d left but Nina had been on her about her arms. She had slacked on her workouts, and her core had suffered, it was hard to keep her arms moving the way Nina liked to see when she was distracted by her posture, the way her stomach was jiggling, the way she felt so wobbly. Nina could see it too; she hadn’t added any jumps despite Noelle’s history.

It was probably the weirdest dance, so much should happen while she was gliding, she stops and makes a few notes and scans the stage, maybe if she had a balance beam to stand on it would be more effective. It’s a stupid idea. Min-ju corners her.

“So that’s cool, are you going to a really slow rave or something?”

“Do people still go to raves?” she laughs.

Min-ju cocks her head to the side.

“Thinking of getting back into skating.”

“That’s random, are you giving up the dream then?”

Noelle laughs, “which dream?”

Min-ju throws her arms to the sides and spins in a circle. “This one, of course.”

Min-ju isn’t there to rehearse, she tells Noelle, but she didn’t want to admit that she just didn’t have plans for Friday night, she’s still young and excited to be disappointing her parents. She tweaks some of Nina’s program and runs line with Noelle for another hour or so.

“So did you hear about your boyfriend’s new role?”

“My what,” she chokes on her water.

Min-ju laughs. “Or your hero or whatever, Zen,” she fakes a swoon when she says his name and Noelle laughs.

“Yeah, I heard something about it.”

“Can you imagine,” Min-ju swings her feet dreamily, “do you think they’re really adapting it especially for him?”

Noelle shrugs. “I should apologize to him for yesterday.”

“Eh, whatever.”

“Is he here?”

“Do you like him,” the smaller woman whispers.

“I’ve only talked to him once,” Noelle frowns.

“Then what are you so worried about?”

“It’s manners, MJ, I literally fell on him yesterday and then whatever happened on that stage last night. He was really nice, that’s all.”

“Okay,” she draws it out and squints suspiciously. “I think I saw him in the reading room when I came in.”

Noelle’s phone chimes again in the hallway.

“WooOooOOOoo,” 707 warbles into her ear, “it is I the ghost of boyfriends yet to come.”

“Oh my god,” she groans.

“Just a friendly reminder that Zen does not know you’re Elle. Remember No and Elle are separate until the party, when you can finally be—”

“Please don’t.”

“Noelle.”

“Please never make my name a pun again.”

#Lost Boys #Noelle vs the RFA #hyun ryu #mystic messenger #luciel choi

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titoslondon-blog · 7 years ago

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New Post has been published on Titos London

#Blog New Post has been published on http://www.titoslondon.co.uk/these-labels-are-serving-up-fashion-with-a-cause-with-a-side-of-fun/

These labels are serving up fashion-with-a-cause with a side of fun

Who says giving back or buying-for-a-cause has to be a self-sacrificing act that involves quietude and boring reverence? You can have plenty of fun, buying the kind of things that makes you happy; simultaneously, it can also make people less privileged than you, happier. Here are two witty, sustainability-focused labels that have captured our imagination (and our giggles).

Mua Mua Dolls Ludovica Virga met Karl Lagerfeld during a Chanel fashion show in Venice in 2009, and she handed him a Mua Mua doll—a crocheted doll that resembled the designer, created with the help of Balinese artisans. Lagerfeld was so impressed that he commissioned 500 dolls to be sold in the Lagerfeld shops. Virga’s humorous and ironic take on fashion now has a universe of dolls—Anna Wintour, Coco Chanel, Franca Sozzani, Lady Gaga, Suzy Menkes, Jay-Z, Beyoncé, and more—which have become prized collectibles. Luisa Via Roma, the eclectic Florentine fashion behemoth, started stocking Mua Mua Dolls in 2010, and today she is available in top fashion concept stores all over the world. Lady Gaga chose her Mua Mua doll to be part of her Barney’s Workshop, and it sold out within weeks.

While it’s the wit and humour that draws her clients, Virga is quite philosophical about her creativity. “A deep soul has a very light mind” she says.

But it is the heart-felt story behind the brand that has her fan following increasing by the day. When the tsunami hit Bali in 2004, many artisans were left without work, as tourism dipped sharply following the catastrophe. Virga decided to do her bit to help. She employed mostly women, living in difficult conditions in rural Balinese villages, to craft her Mua Mua dolls. Part of the proceeds of the sale is donated to a school in Sumbawa to support women’s education.

Just recently, Virga added to her eccentric design repertoire. “We have designed a limited edition collection decorated with sequins that are completely recycled from plastic. It has a bold catch-phrase—No Plastic is Fantastic,” says Virga. Fifty per cent of the profit will be donated to ByeBye Plastic Bag—a non-profit organisation created by two young students in Bali who work relentlessly to educate locals on plastic pollution. “For me, giving back to the communities I work with is a no-brainer. It’s a regular engagement that is part and parcel of the fabric of my brand.”

Threaded Tales With Threaded Tales, you can wear your heart on your sleeve and have your life embroidered on your jeans. Robin Domeniconi, the founder of this loveable brand, is nothing short of a fashion-therapist, as she embroiders the most memorable moments from your life story on your favourite piece of clothing—an instant boost of happy hormones. All you have to do is fill out a questionnaire that will help her chart your favourite moments in life in little embroidered patches. “I have a team of illustrators. After reviewing the answers to questions from a client, we consider several different things. For example, we consider age, life-stage (we check Instagram and Facebook for likes and interests), and of course, the answers themselves. Then, the client is matched with one of our illustrators, and we work together to interpret the designs that are literally drawn directly on the clothing article that is sent to Haiti for hand-embroidery. Each piece is a one-of-a-kind creation.”

Once you send your favourite piece of clothing, your custom-crafted story is ready to go for a walk within eight weeks. But here’s the best part—the intricate and delightful embroideries are done by the incredibly talented women of Haiti. Domeniconi was on the board of an organisation called Global Goods Partners, which empowers female artisans around the world. One of the artisan groups she now works with is Haiti Projects, which provides the incredible embroidery skills to her projects. For every piece of personalised clothing, one Haitian child gets free education for a year. This embroidered narrative has the power to educate and enrich the lives of this less privileged than you. “As each pair takes over 100 hours to create, these are not inexpensive—they retail at about $1,250,” says Domeniconi. “However, it was important for us to also make sure that each pair of jeans would pay for one-year of education for a Haitian child, while also paying the artisans 3x fair trade wages.”

While there’s no doubt that the need for exclusivity, self-expression and a desire to give back is what drives this brand, Domeniconi says that her belief that “there isn’t a single person you couldn’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story” is what makes her fashion a journey of passion.

1/10 Mua Mua DollsMua Mua DollsMua Mua DollsMua Mua DollsMua Mua DollsThreaded TalesThreaded TalesThreaded TalesThreaded TalesThreaded Tales

Learn more about ethical practices in fashion with our Sustainability Matters series

The post These labels are serving up fashion-with-a-cause with a side of fun appeared first on VOGUE India.

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hospitalterrorizer · 4 months ago

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diary321

8/5-6/24

monday - tuesday

worked on a song today.

or 2, technically but one was just some minor mix stuff and whatevs but one took a while, because i was trying to write dueling guitar lines for that one which was hard but i think i'm there, for those riffs. they took a long time to figure out, but it's over now, basically. we're going out for kbbq again tomorrow... becuz my gf's friend who is back from china for a bit has never been able to try it. so i'm gently excited for that but i know all my gf's friends can be honestly so bad at cooking the meat it's like appalling and irritating watching them like neurotically fail at cooking meat.

now i am listening to the locust. now i wanna do a really stupid grindy song with too many parts that make no sssssense.... okay well i'll #try. tomorrow or some other time. also suddenly i want to draw something. i need to go back to that one thing i was working on too. let me look at where i got to on that. mostly i want to do something really garish and gaudy for the background. eye torture, i want to draw a bunch of lightning bolts too, maybe in lotsa colors like pink and red and the ground's yellow and pink or something, striped, overstimulating.

just looking at some comics by people from fort thunder, look at these panels by chris forgues / c.f.:

very beautiful... it's interesting, i have really not worked w/ color for a long time so the stuff i do with it now does at times feel really freeing, in a strange way. thinking about that freedom and this image makes me want to write. also it reminds me of some of that writer's work from the other day, benjamin weissman:

it's getting late, the sun will be up soon, i need to rest so i can go out tomorrow, then have people over on wednesday, who knows how many people will be coming though, my friend has had a medical emergency so he might be out for a while, tragically, it's his gallbladder, hopefully he can get it removed soon and stuff. or whatever must be done. hopefully he can come over though... it's been a bit since i've been able to see him.

like i said, it is late, tomorrow will probably be pretty busy so i'll maybe have a lot to say then, or maybe not cuz i'll be exhausted or whatever.

anyhow,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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hospitalterrorizer · 5 months ago

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diary280

6/23-24/24

sunday - monday

we have to go out to a friend's birthday tomorrow so i am doing an all nighter.

it's going. well or bad, idk, i'll see how i feel tomorrow i guess, i feel crazy and loopy right now though.

i did some more work on the cover art, got the text sorted i think, which is really fun, and i got a new gimp plugin to make text along path go way smoother and that makes me very happy, it makes it a lot more fun to work w/ so i'll probably fool with that more. i also got a new font, the one used in this:

#swawg

i also wrote another song today, it's just fun to write stuff. i need to write words! i actually need to get some stuff together for publication soon, almost forgot about that, can't forget about that. the only thing holding that back is i need to get a bio written and i feel like it needs to be like, kind of professional or like, not professional, just not so casual i guess. idk. i guess what do i actually think people need to know about me? like, nothing, i want to be nothing, just words on the page. maybe i should just take the one i used in ergot again? i might as well try honestly. 'nothing in particular,' is accurate. there's no detail worth transmitting really. i guess it's bizarre to do that while writing a diary. it's really just that there's a gulf, or not a gulf, but it feels like a gulf, it's a strange geology in my life, there's nothing here other than everything here, it feels like a lie to not talk about the everything, so if i can't, i must admit that there's nothing else other than the activity of living, that's all i care about anyway, or it's what i feel tethered to, all warmth is from the friction of that.

it's just weird. nothing in particular is all that feels applicable.

ok, i need to just sleep, it's 8 pm now and i can hardly keep my eyes open or think straight, i'm like, getting weird visions. i guess i hope i have interesting dreams come out of this or something.

i just watched this video by frog power where he ranks all his albums and talks about them a bit, but he privated the vid. i really liked it though, i was gonna post it here. it's funny how he talks about his music sucking, or thinking it sucks, what i've heard doesn't, and one album he says is average i think is really special. he is a truly strange man.

one thing, is not sleeping makes me feel super super super ugly. hopefully sleeping now won't make me wake up too early or i can just go back to sleep. wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i did want to do more on the cover rn kinda but i don't think it'd really be wise to start trying to do a figure drawing rn tbh. that might drive me insane.

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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hospitalterrorizer · 6 months ago

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diary267

6/10/24

monday

tomorrow will be here soon, need to sleep before then

so this will be short, i didn't work on the last song today, instead i drew/redrew a bunch of the bugs...exciting, i did about 10-11, so hopefully i just need a few more to get enough together to collage into a thing, maybe i should get some other kinds of bugs in? maybe cockroaches, since they're around me so much. weird how the idea for the cover art turned real. i hope that makes me make it better. i also started tracing a larger thing and thinking of different things to draw onto it, maybe i should do more insect imagery onto that? maybe i should just do something like body parts though, both? they kind of go together i suppose.

the throat thing isn't going away but i hope when i wake up tomorrow it's all better. not that it will be. but maybe it will be and i'm just being a pessimist for no reason. i hope so!!!!!! that would make my life better. i hope it's not a bacterial infection, i hope it's not that the roaches in here finally made me sick. i hate my life and things i have to think about happening to it. i feel like i take decent care of things...myself, my gf takes decent care of things, herself, is decent just not enough when the inside of the walls are rotting and there's nothing i can do other than be perfect? that's what it feels like. everything fails, i step up, perfection's all that gets you through the flood. i'm drowning i guess, if things are as bad as they could be. the truth is that it's never as bad as i think though, i'm good at imagining the very worst, worse than real could be. sometimes. maybe sometimes the world gets the better of me. maybe most of the time. i'm fooling myself, always.

but beyond this misery, which i just have to forget, which i can forget if i'm focusing on something, like the drawing of the bugs, the tracing stuff, music, writing (which i need to get to), other stuff, anything, just attention away from corpse-thing with the beating heart, i can manage, but i always come back to this.

the sickness made me write a little, that is good. anyway, i need to wash my face and stuff, so for now i think i'll say goodnight because...idk, i want to sleep, forget the pain a little while, and wake up to the sensation of swallowing being a stabbing, or maybe it won't be, anything can happen. it could get better, it better not get worse.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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hospitalterrorizer · 8 months ago

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diary211

4/13-14/2024

saturday - sunday

worked hard today, unexpectedly.

i didn't expect, when i listened to the album, to have a batch of relatively easy to correct mixing issues, but still, mixing issues that make me look at songs and change more than just that, i think they all sound better now, because the bass is way more present and they're a lot more level + punchy and stuff i think. one song i am basically wanting to remake, though, sorta, or go back into the guitar sounds i have and just slot new ones in from other songs. the one i tried today just doesn't work how i'd like i guess.

i also did some other funny stuff, with the mixing, like shelf off high end on some tracks just so i can unity gain everything up to the same point relatively speaking, which sometimes sounds really good actually. and then it lets you slowly reintroduce the necessary amount of high end over the normal level to get the tone right. maybe i need to do that on some of these other songs, we'll see i suppose. i am just happy that there is more of a bass presence now on these faster songs. just realizing there still was space for that, very nice i think.

anyway since i worked so much and stuff, and stayed up so late, and since i woke up feeling crazy already today, i am just kind of coo coo right now . so i should not listen to the album again until tomorrow, and stuff. uhm yeah.

i also put a bunch of my clothes into this little plastic dresser my gf got me, which makes the bedroom look a lot nicer, which is you know, nice, and stuff. it's getting so hot here, i was doing that and ssweating a lot. which annoyed me but my bangs were okay after so it's not that big a deal i suppose.

i also drew but just doodles. i think i need to relax when drawing cuz today was the first time i was like, so unhappy with just studies/warmups that i just didn't save a couple tries at things. that is dumb of me!! i should just keep it all, i should also remember to make the thing bigger so i can draw more random stuff / whatever i want.

here's these doodles though, i like them but they are all just faces/heads:

dddumb stuff.

anyway i really really really am exhausted, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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hospitalterrorizer · 9 months ago

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diary167

2/27-28/2024

wednesday - thursday

i'm sisisisitting here, and i have a bank acct. now.

my card is gonna be sent to my parent's place, i've gotta go over there to get it, in about a week i suppose. that'll be interesting but i talked to my mom today. not about the card yet, but i'll talk about it tomorrow i think, when we talk more. she is not mad at me, it seems like.

i got really dressed up for the bank today, look!

people were nice to me basically except in walmart where lots of people stared at me, and then this guy that worked there looked totally totally totally disgustedddd. it was fun. i wish i told him to fuck off. i need to stick up for myself better. i think that'd be like, sticking up for myself, right. or is staring back the only thing i should really do? idk.

i ate too many chips today, also, so i'm feeling yucky rn. blehh.

just found out about a really awesome seeming book:

gonna find out more abt this soon, the publisher too, the bits my friend is sending me from this book of poetry are really really good.

just really really beautiful writing, grounding itself in / exploring/ telling history, in ways it is typically not told. a beautiful project, at minimum. but it does not feel like it's just hitting that minimum, truly good writing. it's also from 2023, which is super exciting i think. good writing is still coming, you just have to look.

another thing today, i got new lyrics and vocals down on a song, i wonder if i care about the lyrics that much, but idk, i think it's good, it's definitely about a lot of stuff i've been thinking about lately, re: music people, dj scene and stuff. frustrations. it felt good to scream, today, cuz of being so fucked up yesterday i guess.

i think maybe i could go in and re-record the middle bit and parts of the end, but i think the way the song opens vocally is good. i might also just be having funny issues w/ the sound of the vox. idk. we will see how i feel tomorrow. but since i did that i did also mess w/ how the song sounds, did the saturation thing to it, and that does sound quite good, imo.

tomorrow i need to do some more songs, just re: producing/mastering, i wanna do at least 2-3, and maybe on the 3rd i do a song that has vocals but i want to replace them entirely, so i can start thinking of new ideas for the song.

i also have a new idea for a drawing, that's fun, a new little pixel art ornament thingy.

listening to a lot of the album now, to see how things are coming along, one song still has overly saturated vocals, and some little pieces that need cutting, should be easy enough, i think i like that vocal take, i should sit on the take still, not go in and do that, and for the most part everything is feeling like, good, i think. coming along well, and stuff i thought was worse off isn't too bad really. that might change tomorrow for me but we'll see. there's gonna be a time where i need to just let this all go, and put this out. that time definitely feels like it's coming. or idk, that makes it sound like i'm just putting less effort in, i don't think that's true, it's just that things really are wrapping up in a way i feel like. like how many more times can i conceivably mess with nuances of guitar tone, everything is getting closer and closer to what i want, what isn't that's just getting cut and put off for later, and i can tell at least one of the songs i cut is going to really benefit from that, since i can rewrite parts and have something last longer, i can have this part i really like be like, a closer for this next ep maybe.

anyway, it's like 1 am and i need to prepare for the next days of work where i'm going in at 11 am soo,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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hospitalterrorizer · 9 months ago

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diary155

2/16-17/2024

friday - saturday

tomorroww, work.

but right now is music time, and this is going well, actually, there's other songs that just do really really well w/ this production and it's like, very exciting how smooth this is all going it feels like. it's weirdly getting to the point of freeing up space in songs, and getting to be able to pan things farther out in ways that make more sense and sound actually good, really really fun. i'm also getting the itch to mess with that thing that simulates the pll/synth harmonizer pedal that's super fucked up, again. idk why that is so addictive to me. i guess to see if this is actually going well i need to wait on the export, but i feel like it'll sound basically good, with maybe a few things i need to mess with.

the one issue that happens regularly, that is easy to fix, is too much low end ends up coming out of these songs, because of how saturation works it just kind of blows that up, so you have to highpass that out a bit and it sort of naturally gets reigned back into a normal level, it's easy to solve, maybe it's part of the blessing w/ all this.

i am excited, honestly, to get this one over with, just so i can fuck around with getting something that sounds super weird.

maybe tomorrow before work i'll draw more guts, idk what i can even do with all these guts, that i draw, but it's fun. i like drawing organ variations, and if there's something i like/ that seems useful, that might be good, idk.

after messing with a sound, i came up with a whole freaking song i like... now i need to figure out if i have space for this 33 second long thing. and there's definitely 1 other short one i wanna finish up. i should call the songwriting process quits after that. 1 more super fast song, and then this thing is like, dancier.

maybe i just do 2 more hxc songs and leave this for something else, idk.

i think that song will go on whatever comes after this record. probably a couple eps? idk. that'd be fun, 2 more eps.

today has been pretty crazy, outside of music, cuz we also did errands day, w/ my gf's brother, he was nice today, we went to this thrift store and there were some clothes i wanted but i got something else instead, which i am really happy w/. i think i'll talk about this all tomorrow though because i'm tired.

today has been good for music, 2 songs out of the way, this mastering process is getting more and more nailed down and it sounds super good, i m o.

asnyway uhh i am so sleepy lol and it's fucked up but they have me opening monday??? weirdo stuff.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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satendou · 4 years ago

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𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕥𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕣 𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝟚𝟟: 𝕘𝕝𝕠𝕣𝕪 𝕙𝕠𝕝𝕖 + 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕖𝕩

⇀ kuroo tetsuro

kuroo was, to put it bluntly, bored.

kenma was absorbed in a new game-- seriously, kuroo had to check on him at least twice a day to make sure he was eating something-- and his other friends were all studying for exams he had already finished. his fuck buddy was mia and porn was just unappealing.

he wanted something new, exciting--

wait, hadn’t atsumu mentioned something before? he was known for being a degenerate, at least among his friends, and had mentioned something about a fun new thing at some adult store he went to. of course, kuroo obviously knew what a gloryhole was, but had never actually encountered one.

texting atsumu, he received an almost too excited response telling him the name of the store and that he wasn’t going to regret it.

as he searched on his phone for the website, his phone started rang and atsumu talked his ear off, telling him how the whole thing worked and offering to accompany him. in his words, “there’s nothin’ better than gettin’ fucked by a stranger ya can’t see. it’s exhilaratin’.

kuroo stirred at that, realizing there was something appealing in that idea and hung up, clicking the link to the website.

feeling utterly sleazy, he filled out the application, hesitating over the box asking for his credit card information. should he really be trusting a sex shop website? but it was the one that atsumu used and there wasn’t anything sketchy about it as far as he could tell.

fuck it.

he paused at the options for use, ears heating up as he read over them and picked the ones he was up for. to his surprise, he received a response shortly afterwards saying his preferences matched with someone else who had applied, and all he needed to do was verify he was clean, and his appointment would be scheduled.

that was how a few days later he found himself stepping into the sex store with atsumu, looking around at all the toys and books and, for some reason, hookahs and bowls everywhere. it looked just like every other sex shop he’d been into except for a door at the back that, if he was reading it correctly, said “private clients only”.

a cheery voice piped up from amongst the shelves and a young woman wearing a shirt with the shop logo on it came out, saying, “hello and welcome. how may i help you?”

it sounded more like she belonged in a bookstore than a sex shop, but she was cute and kuroo turned red as he said, “i, uh, booked an appointment a few days ago.”

atsumu clapped him on the back, laughing at how timid kuroo sounded.

her eyes lit up and she laughed, nodding. “of course. this way, please.”

she didn’t seem like she was judging them as she led them through the back door-- which did, in fact, read “private clients only”-- and into a narrow hallway lined with curtains. pulling one back, he found himself in a small cubicle with dim, red lights overhead, bathing him in what he assumed was supposed to be a sultry atmosphere. there was quiet music playing from speakers hidden in the darkness and, he admitted, it was cozy and a little sexier than he thought it would be.

“your partners should be here shortly, so please wait in your cubicles until the green light comes on,” she said, pointing at a lightbulb above his head. “it’ll turn off after a moment, so don’t worry about that. yours is down this way,” the woman said, leading atsumu down the hall a little ways.

it was almost another ten minutes and kuroo was halfway through some porn video atsumu had insisted he watched to “get in the mood” when the light flickered on for five seconds and dimmed again.

his heart skipped a beat and nervousness settled in his stomach, but it was tempered by curiosity. atsumu had told him to just “go for it because that’s what everyone is here for”. it still felt somehow rude as he unzipped himself and pulled his cock out, rolling a condom on before easing it through the hole.

he jumped at the first touch, just a featherlight stroke from a soft hand, and then a warm puff of air against his tip. his eyes fluttered shut because fuck whoever you were, you were already swallowing his cock like a champ. fighting down a groan, he held his hips still, palms flat against the wall by his head as warm lips met the base of his cock without even a hint of hesitation.

atsumu was fucking right, this was amazing. not knowing who was on the other side brought an air of mystery and arousal to getting sucked off. he could hear the slick sounds of you choking through the thin wall and it made him twitch in your throat. your tongue dragged over the thick vein on the underside before swirling over his head.

with a ‘pop’ you pulled off of him and seemed to disappear, confusing him. weren’t you supposed to finish him off? that was the point, as far as he knew, and he hadn’t picked any options that would leave him hanging.

he hissed as his attention returned to his dick. your hand was warm against him and then his tip was prodding something that was decidedly not a mouth and he couldn’t help but moan.

he heard a feminine giggle from the other side as your cunt swallowed him up. you were tighter than he was expecting and he jerked forward so his hips hit the wall when you hilted him inside you.

“holy fuck,” he groaned, and received a breathy curse from you in response. he’d picked the option for this, but hadn’t actually expected it to happen, and his mind blanked as you rode him through the wall. he tentatively pulled back and thrust forward again, hearing you squeal as he nudged deeper inside of you. kuroo already knew he was well-endowed and knew how to use it, even through a hole in the wall, and smirked.

he pictured you, faceless but beautiful still, bouncing on his cock and rubbing your little clit furiously while you clenched around his thick shaft. imagining him getting a stranger off only stroked his ego and he met your thrusts as well as he could, angling his hips based on feeling and your whine told him he was exactly where he wanted to be.

he was already close when he felt you spasm around him suddenly, unable to recognize your tells before you were cumming all over his cock. he expected you to pull away now that you were done and almost choked when you began to bounce on him again. even through the condom he could feel how messy you were, the sensitive walls of your cunt fluttering and squeezing around him as if begging for him to cum.

he did so with a broken curse, head tipping back before falling forward again, hitting the wall with a thump as he spilled into the condom.

after a moment, you pulled away and he backed up further into the cubicle, tucking himself back into his pants and wincing when the fabric chafed his sensitive skin. clearing his throat, he said, “you can leave first. i’ll wait.”

there was no response besides some shuffling and then the sound of a curtain drawing. waiting another minute, he stepped out as well, searching for his blond friend. he was nowhere to be found in the hallway, but kuroo spotted him browsing cockrings out in the main area of the store.

he was wearing a smug, shit-eating grin when he caught sight of kuroo, but he couldn’t look much better than him, with his blond hair mussed and sweat beaded on his forehead. “well, how was it?”

kuroo shrugged, feigning nonchalance, but then he smirked, hazel eyes sharp as he caught sight of two pretty little things limping slightly as they exited the store. it morphed into a laugh and he said, “maybe being a degenerate isn’t so bad.”

⇀ masterlist

⇀ @keijiskitten | previous: cuckold | next: yandere

⇀ taglist: @nekpma, @bokutosdivineass, @pehnguinn , @super-noya, @definitelythotful , @hoekaashi, @haikyuuwithadashofart, @sapphirecharm, @neomuxuxi, @animediplomat, @aristatrois, @chrollosheadband, @bokutobutthicker, @bokuakadaily, @samkagi, @kuroosforeverwifu,@astrologypastelcom, @8zmingi, @bokutosworld, @thatnikkixx, @cuddlyroger, @miraclefons, @punani-parker, @voidbokuto, @v-sshi, @beex2d, @tendouscumslut, @byebyes-world, @blackbhabie2000, @weebymaria, @sakusatree, @elysianoneirataxia, @unstableye, @shannonmccoy,@sakuyomi, @mooniestar, @iwaizumi-chan, @lostbread, @firefistmyass, @follow-me-in-the-night

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#kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #tetsuro kuroo x reader #haikyuu x reader #🐈🌺 kinktober

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