#i need to give mink car another chance man

[missionel]

bitches will say "i hate mink car" then theme their discord profile after it

[sweetlilpaulie]

Tiny Dancer

John X Reader

Caution: Heated moments, Strong language, Sexual references.

I’m actually quite proud of how this one turned out.

Enjoy, my cuties.

~~~

The room was on fire.

Not literally, of course, but the hundred bodies cramped up in a tiny club, definitely made it feel that way.

I love to dace, what can I say?

So here I was, in the heat of the moment, shoving away my introvert, and dancing like there was no tomorrow.

Maybe there wouldn’t be.

Who the fuck cares?

A few hours earlier, I was chatting with my best friend.

“I’ve got a man. You need a man! Babe, you could get any guy that you want, all you gotta do is look at him.”

Rolling my eyes, I sighed. “Lisa, I don’t need anybody. Just chill out. I’m fine just the way I am.” I smirked “Untouchable.”

“Dude, you can’t stay a virgin forever.”

“Yes, I can watch me!”

“Wanna bet?”

“Yes, actually.”

She grinned “I bet you 100 dollars to go to Mark’s tonight and get roaring drunk. If you comeback a virgin, I’ll eat my shoe.”

“And pay me 100 bucks.”

“Yes, that too.”

I shook her hand.

“Deal.”

I went to Mark’s.

I even went a little further and wore the most scandalous thing in my wardrobe. Spaghetti strapped, thigh length, skimpy black dress, if you’d even call it that, clung to my hourglass body like a long lost friend. Ruby studs and a matching necklace only added to my look. Of course, as any girl looking for a good time, I wore 3 inch heels that hurt like a bitch. I put so much makeup on my face that my guise didn’t even look remotely familiar.

“What to drink?” asked the bartender, wiping champagne flutes.

“Surprise me.” I grinned.

He smiled back “As you wish.” He got working, mixing his voodoo drink.

I glanced around the place. It was fairly quiet, for a club at least. 

Some old men smoking pipes in the back.

A girl and her girlfriends sipping margaritas at the bar.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Mia, Happy birthday to you!”

The girls clapped and the girl, who I assumed was Mia, took a sip of the drink. Immediately after, she coughed hysterically.

Amused, I presumed she had just gotten to legal drinking age and so she was living it up with her girlfriends.

Not a bad way to live, I thought, watching them a while.

The bartender came back with the surprise drink.

“Mad Hatter.” he said.

I stared at it. I was a pretty turquoise colour, and the edges were rimmed with pink.

I took a sip.

The flavour hit my tongue instantly. Definitely lime, along with something that tasted like melted jolly ranchers, vodka and something I couldn’t quite place.

Just as I took another sip, a large group came in. All of them were young men. Very handsome young men. I decided to pay them no mind.

At least for the moment.

As I continued taking sips, I felt one of the boys’ eyes on me. I shoved away the flirty impulse of turning, and winking at him and instead stared out at the town, which was getting darker by the minute.

Minutes ticked by, and more people came in.

The sound of chatter was starting to irritate me.

I stood up, and walked straight to the jukebox.

Once the music hit my ears, a sudden relief washed over me. I finished off the my drink and requested another one, a bit stronger this time. The bartender’s eyes raised, but he said nothing as he went to work on another one.

Once I got it, I threw back half of it. I was started to feel extremely relaxed and a bit woozy.

Normally, I’m a fairly mellow girl and don’t really care to be the center of attention. 

Oh, but tonight was different. I was the star of the show and every boy in the room wanted me.

But no fucking way would any of them get me.

I swayed and danced to the music.

I was the only one at first, but I didn’t give a fuck. Soon enough, birthday girl and her groupies joined me. Everyone started catching on, pushed back their chairs, and got lost in the music.

I ordered one “Mad Hatter” after another, letting the voodoo juices work their way into my system.

I was completely and utterly roaring drunk.

My arms and hips moved perfectly in sync to the rhythm. One boy after another tried making moves on me, wrapping their arms around my waist and stealing kisses. I’d let them for a while, but then I’d push them away, remaining the Untouchable.

But then, there was the boy.

That one damned boy.

Who ruined everything.

I parted the crowd like the red sea as I went to request another drink.

“You’re quite the dancer.”

I turned to the source of the words.

I smirked “I know. I don’t think I’ve had a chance with you yet. Wanna try?”

He smirked. 

“No thank you. I try to stay away from man eaters.”

I scowled at the remark “Who says smartass? I’m just trying to have a good time.”

His eyes darkened.

“I’ll show you a good time.”

I raised an eyebrow as I sipped another most likely drug-filled drink.

“Wanna bet? I doubt you’d last 5 seconds with me, pretty boy.”

“The name’s John.”

“Whatever. Don’t really care. So, what d’you say? Deal, or are you too chicken?”

He rose his hand up.

“Deal.”

I rose mine to shake, but he grabbed it and kissed it.

Like, really kissed it.

My heart went into my throat.

“You’re good.” I admitted.

He raised his eyes to me. “Oh, you have no idea who you’re dealing with.”

There was a gleam in his eyes which sent chills down my spine.

He pulled me off to the side and we started dancing. It was fairly normal, hands on my waist, mine around his neck.

Soon however, he pulled me closer and closer to him. He leaned toward me and for a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. But instead he whispered in my ear.

“Tonight baby, you’re mine. And I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t walk.”

My body radiated with heat, my face flushed red. Nobody had said something so forward and confident to me, ever.

“What makes you think I want you to fuck me?”

He grinned wolfishly at me “This.”

This time he leaned in for the kiss.

And oh boy, what a kiss it was.

Not any little peck in high school could have prepared me for this. Who knew someones tongue could be so magical?

He mapped out my entire mouth before he let me breathe again.

He was a hot mess, hair tousled, lips big and pink, and his eyes, full of desire.

His hands lightly went up and down my figure.

“You’re sexy as fuck.”

I blushed slightly. Biting my lip, I looked at the ground. My Shy was rearing it’s head back, coming to haunt me, dammit. What happened to Miss Confident?”

He tilted my head up to face him. 

He licked his lips hungrily staring into my eyes and looking deep into my soul.

“Let’s get outta here.”

He grabbed my hand, and lead us out of Mark’s.

Some of the other boys I had seen him with earlier were smoking outside.

They turned and grinned at him.

“Ey, John! What ya up to?”

“None of your bloody business, Paul.”

They all looked at me and some of them oohed.

“Have fun Johnny!”

“Oh, fuck off Ringo.” John snapped.

He opened the car door for me and we were off.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. 

Today, I was supposed to prove that I didn’t need anybody by getting drunk and breaking all the boys’ hearts.

Now, I was in a car, bound to lose the very thing I promised I’d never do, in a manner of minutes.

Damn you, John,

We entered a fairly decent looking flat.

“Let me take your coat.”

I shrugged off my mink and walked further into the place.

“Well, welcome to my humble abode.”

It was then that I realized how drunk I was.

The room was spinning.

 “I think... I should sit down.” I slumped onto the couch.

“Right. Where were we? Ah, yes.” 

He turned on me.

He crawled on top of me. I felt the warmth of his breath on my skin, and the heat from the leather sofa underneath me.

He traced my lips.

“I believe I never caught your name. Care to oblige me with it?”

“(y/n).”

He smiled. “Unique. Very pretty. Like you.”

He leaned in once more.

“Now as much as I like this dress, I think it would look much better on the floor.”

I unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt. 

“Whatever you say, handsome.”

He caught my lips once again for a searing kiss.

“I’m going to fuck you now.” he growled.

I smiled goofily, my eyes a bit glazed.

“Sounds good to me.”

~~~

“You owe me 100 dollars, I believe.” Lisa chirped brightly.

I groaned “Shut up, would ya? My head’s killing me.”

She smirked “I won’t stop till you say you lost.”

“Fine, you won. Now shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

She grinned like a cat who got the cream. Passing me a coffee cup she said, “He seemed very handsome. What was his name?”

“John.” I winced. 

“(y/n), you’re human. We all need to give in to our desires sometimes. I’m glad you finally came to your senses.”

“Yeah, yeah...sure, whatever.” I grumbled.

Deep down, I was glad she was right.

I should do it again sometime.

~~~

[alltimewhat]

Favorite Flans Songs!!!

Hi!! I apologize in advance for the length of this submission bc it was v hard to narrow down this list fgadgsdf. I have a few categories I’ve split the songs up into which are: top tier, bangers, funky, and misc. for the songs I couldn’t really choose a category for, so some of those might also fall into the other categories. Also the songs I’ve chosen are in no particular order. Note: I don’t have commentary for every song.

TOP TIER

Another First Kiss - This is hands down my favorite tmbg love song, tied with Ampersand. I’ll sheepishly admit both of these songs bring out the hopeless romantic in me and not to get sappy on main but it makes me want to find a love I can associate these songs with someday. 

Ampersand - See above dfgsdfsdf

Sometimes a Lonely Way - I think this is a flawless song! It gives me chills every time I listen to it and it evokes some sort of nostalgic comfort in me. It’s overall a beautiful track and so is the official video that goes with it.

Good to be Alive - This song gives me a new perspective on existence and forces me to think about mortality. I find myself appreciating life a little bit more every time I listen to it. It’s hopeful.

Snowball in Hell - Lovely arrangement and lovely vocals. I think Flans’ vocals really come through on all the tracks he sings on Lincoln, but especially on this track, as well as The World’s Address and Lie Still, Little Bottle.

Reprehensible - vocals vocals vocals and lovely instrumental arrangement!!!

Extra Savoir Faire - How many times do I have to say “vocals” to show my appreciation for Flans’ range dfhdfhdfhf. his voice is A++ in this song and his falsetto takes me OUT.

The World’s Address - see above :)

Lie Still, Little Bottle - see above :)

I’m A Coward - I was going to quote a line or two but after further inspection it seems every line of this song is Too relatable.

Hide Away Folk Family - A lovely little song about arson. Great harmonies in this song. My favorite line, however, is spoken by linnell, “abandon hope for future plans”.

BANGERS

Cyclops Rock - My absolute favorite line from this song is “gotta find a new place to hang out cause I’m tired of living in hell.” like go OFF king!! it’s also just v relatable.

Santa’s Beard - This is a fun one. My favorite line is “thrilling christmas, trembling fear.” just bc i like the echo of linnell after flans dfhafdh.

It’s Kickin’ In - This song ALWAYS puts me in a good mood!! High energy classic rock n roll babey!!! my personal vibe report of this track: stellar.

Take Out The Trash - Flans said women’s rights. I quite like the bass in this song.

Feign Amnesia - Really REALLY enjoy the guitar solo in this one.

All The Lazy Boyfriends - This was one of my first Flans songs and I love it just as much as I did the first time I heard it. It’ll always be one of my favorites. Relatable lyrics are a big thing for me and my favorite, relatable lyrics from this song are “who needs a vacation, who needs a direction, who needs motivation when you live in your head?”

Out of Jail

Greasy Kid Stuff

Youth Culture Killed My Dog - Hyper Flansy is my favorite Flansy idontunderstandwhatchadidtomydog

Your Racist Friend - Speaks for itself I think :))

FUNKY (I really don’t have any commentary on any songs in this set in particular, I just think they’re easy to groove to with funky sounds, good bass lines, and great sax + other horns.)

S-E-X-X-Y

Employee Of The Month

Got Getting Up So Down

Pet Name

Dog Walker

Dirt Bike

Hall Of Heads

The Guitar

MISC.

Working Undercover For The Man

Cowtown - This one grew on me really fast and I’m so glad I gave it a chance

Mink Car - In the nicest way possible I think this would be wonderful elevator music.

I Can Hear You - I like this one bc it’s weird and ominous and it triggers my asmr

Sketchy Galore

We Live In A Dump

Lake Monsters

Lucky Ball And Chain - My favorite line from this one is “I was young and foolish then, I feel old and foolish now”

I think I’m going to stop here but there’s definitely others that could replace any of these at any given time lol. I hope you like what I’ve come up with and I’m excited to see your response and how your list differs!!! -WOW this is excellent!!!!! the funny thing is i agree with pretty much. this entire list with maybe some rearranging o order (and i honestly personally dont like youth culture all that much- i just think it takes too long to get to the fast fun part!) but seriously this is excellent and i agree with pretty much this entire list. thank you so much for formatting this so nicely holy shit!!! ill have to make my own more structured list in a separate post so that this one doesnt become a novel HGFGBDGR but this is so cool. i love this i love seeing your opinions abt these specific songs AND its funny how much i agree with!!! i will say though, only because my favorite oc is based on it so ive listened to it 35483475634  times, hide away folk family’s bridge is actually not linnell speaking, but flans on a speech jammer!!!!!

[bewitchingwitch]

Constellations pt. 7

Hey y’all this I my first fanfic and since I’ve been obsessed with Newt Scamander lately I decided to do a series about him depending on if this part gets good reviews

Word count: 3,190

If you really want some Theseus Feels listen to lie to me by 5 seconds of summer

The Minister of Magic was standing in Theseus office as you both walked in, hand in hand, and she did not look happy. She was scowling, but despite that still looked beautiful as a powerful figure of authority should. She had long golden hair that was inches away from skimming the floor, it had a series of interact braids weaving in out. "Ah it seems our lovebird chose to sleep in zee morning." She had a French accent as if English was her second language.

Her icy blue eyes surveyed over you both noticing that you were walking hand in hand and that Theseus had a protective stance. You were both still standing in the door way. Theseus dragged you forward and closed the door, if a scene went down he didn't need the whole department to know.

She moved closer to where you both were standing her heels clicking on the hardwood. "I would think our head auror would know better than to show up late, especially when zee knows that she was expecting zeem this morning." She seems to slur some of her worlds but he remarks still seemed to strike Theseus painfully.

Theseus quickly dropped your hand, and bowed his head in apology. "I'm sorry Minister. I should have known better than to be late."

"But Theseus-" he shot you a look urging you to keep your mouth shut.

"I lost track of time, it's as simple as that."

The Minister had a look of distaste on her face. You always assumed the Minster of magic was a man, but it seemed you were mistaken, and wrongly so. This women seemed to be far more intimidating and powerful than any wizard.

"Hm lost track of time Theseus? Are you sure you weren't just, how do you say fooling around with your new "trainee."

Theseus' ears turned bright red and you felt yourself heat up and cast your gaze downward. "I would never do something like that on the Ministry's time." Theseus was defiant, but the Minister could see right through him.

She leaned towards him and whispered softly so that you couldn't hear. "But I bet you'd love to fool around with her on your own time. I zee the way you look at her your thoughts aren't so innocent chéri." She smiled wickedly as she pulled back, leaving you baffled at what she said to Theseus.

Theseus was red with both anger and embarrassment. The Minister moved to lean on Theseus' desk, still addressing him. "I shouldn't reward you for your unacceptable tardiness but, there is no one who is capable other than you two to carry out this mission for me."

You stepped forward to stand even with Theseus and looked at the Minister as her smirk grew wider by the second. "We have gotten new information about the whereabouts of some of Grindelwald's closets followers. They are staying in a hotel across the city and I need you both to go there and try and bring them back for interrogation."

"Of course we'll go right away."

"Tsk tsk dear Theseus. There is still more." She seemed to pause for the liking of dramatic effect. "To avoid suspicion you will need to pose as a couple."

You were taken aback and so was Theseus. "A couple what for?"

"Theseus when you ask zee stupid questions like that it makes me think you are too incompetent for this task." She looked down batting her long lashes. "I thought you were a professional and would know better than to question a women in authority."

Theseus held himself back from giving a response, biting his tongue.

She stood up straight smoothing out the creases on her dress as she made her way over to you. You gulped as she inched closer her eyes analyzing every feature of your face. She reached a hand up and gripped you lightly by your chin. Her nails were painted a light pink  and were long almost like talons.

She turned you head side to side, tilting your head back and then pulling it down. "Nice bone structure, strong jaw." She took a long finger and ran it along your jaw tracing the outline. "Close your eyes." You obeyed, but you could still here her mumbling to herself. "Long lashes." She released your chin and placed both hands on the sides of your cheeks and ran her cold hands down you cheek bones. "You may open your eyes now."

You opened your eyes to see her still standing in front of you her arms crossed and one hip pushed out. She grabbed Theseus by his forearm and spun him around before he landed next to you, you were standing side by side as he gripped your arm for support. "Perfect."

She clasped her hands together and smiled softly and you could see just how beautiful she was when she wasn't scaring the crap out of everyone. "I'll have Margret put a little makeup on her and I'll have you guys ready to go in about a hour."

She surged forward and grabbed your hand before you had a chance to protest as she dragged you out of the office. "Wait here Theseus I'll come get you when I'm done."

Theseus stared at the door in shock not being able to form any words. He felt anxiety building up in his throat, he didn't know what to do with himself in the meantime. But he made himself stay busy. He spent the hour making calls and signing papers. He was aimlessly twirling his quill between his fingers when his door burst open to revel the Minister.

He stood up at her arrival. "May I present your girlfriend." And for the first time Theseus couldn't find it in himself to correct the fact that your were not his girlfriend.

You stepped through the door and he felt his breath catch in his throat. You normally wore no makeup and you hadn't put much on but what you had on made you look like an angel standing before him. Everything seemed to capture just the right things the light eye shadow made your eyes pop out and sparkle drawing attention to them. The light pink that decorated your lips made them look so soft and gentle. The lightest touches didn't change who you were it just made you look like yourself at full volume.

He swallowed hard. He noticed that she had also changed you into something new. You were now wearing a black floor length gown that hugged your body in all the right places. It had a v neck that went painfully low, very uncommon of the era. The gold trimming decorated the fabric in a pattern that was very star like. Wrapped around your shoulders was a brown mink coat that hung loosely.

He felt the need to loosen his tie as he felt that he couldn't breathe. You looked so painfully beautiful he couldn't stop himself from staring. You looked at him. "What?" You said quietly.

"Now now you will have much more time to stare at Ms. (y/l/n) later." She moved over the Theseus and frowned noticing very imperfection in his outfit. "Close your mouth Theseus you'll catch flies." He quickly shut his mouth. "I didn't think I'd have to fix you up but you look disheveled. Are you sure you weren't fooling around with her this morning." She whispered as she took in his messy hair and untucked shirt.

"I didn't fool around with her." He said through gritted teeth.

"Well alright no need to make zee big deal." She turned to face you her expression going soft. "I'm just gonna fix him up a bit wait here love." She pushed him out despite his protest and seconds later to your surprise she was back.

She stepped in followed by Theseus. He was wearing a soft dark grey suit with a cool grey colored button up underneath. He had a thick silver tie that was stripped that was tucked into his grey vest. His outfit was so simple but so visually stunning. You found yourself noticing how good he looked especially when he walked in with one hand in his pocket and his hair slicked back with gel. He looked like he could be on the cover of a fashion magazine. His freckles, which some saw as imperfections, made him even more stunning as they decorated all this features. You found yourself wanting to trace over every one of them.

She led you both to stand side by side and noticed how well your outfits complemented one another. You really did look like a couple made in heaven.

The Minister took in both of your reactions to each other smirking to herself. She had dressed you both in what she figured each other would fancy and it worked out wonderfully. Her plan was going better than she anticipated.

"Well here's the address I'm sure you won't have any problem finding it."

"Thank you." Theseus took the slip of paper from her hand and placed it in his coat pocket.

She made her way to the door her long dress trailing behind her. She looked over her shoulder as she was about to exit, her hand grabbing onto the door handle. "One more thing. The hotel is were a lot of muggles typically stay so to blend in you will need to take a muggle form of transportation. Preferably a car, but that you will have to find on your own." She closed the door leaving you both to your own devices.

"How are we gonna find a car?" Theseus questioned.

"I may have an idea."

********************************************

"No way! No fucking way! Excuse me cursing. But no way!" You giggled as Theseus worked his way around your car taking it all in. "I can't believe you have a Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost!"

"Mhmm."

"How'd you get a car like this?"

"My dad is an American mechanic and he bought it cheap from a client and sent it up to me." You had both Apparated back to your apartment after the Minister left. You had a car and figured you could take it to the hotel. "I didn't know you were into cars."

"I took muggle studies at Hogwarts and the mechanical engineering behind muggle transposition always fascinated me. Especially cars." Theseus ran his hand over the body of the car whistling. You thought it was so cute how Theseus, a wizard, someone who had seen magic, who could do magic, could be so fascinated with something as simple as a car.

"It's beautiful." The car was cherry red and in the sunlight it seemed to sparkle. "And you can drive?"

"I sure can." You smiled and he looked at you with adoration. He was over the moon about not only about the car but about you.

"I always wanted to learn how to drive but that was never something that was taught at Hogwarts." He laughed sadly as he continued to stare at your car.

"Do you want to learn?" You smiled as you dangled the keys outs in front of you.

"Are you serious?" He smiled ear to ear.

You tossed the keys to him and he caught them. "Of course." You got into the passengers seat and he rushed into the drivers seat settling in before twisting the key to start the ignition. It roared to live and he couldn't stop himself from laughing in excitement.

"Okay so I have the basics down but I just wanna be sure." Theseus looked like a child on Christmas morning as he grabbed the steering wheel. "So break, gas, shift," he went over all the mechanisms checking with you to see if he was correct. You nodded along he knew a surprising amount about cars.

"Here we go." He pulled out and began driving along the stretch of road you could tell he was nervous.

"So just make sure to use turn signals and your all good." You smiled.

"That's it?"

"That's it."

He hollered out in joy and you laughed along. You had so much fun with Theseus, sharing new experiences with him. You glanced to side and noticed how at ease he was behind the wheel, sure his knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel to hard, but other than that he was thoroughly enjoying himself.

Theseus loved being with you. And he loved everything about you. The way your hair waved in the wind, the ways your eyes crinkled when you smiled. He smiled at you without you knowing and turned back to face the road.

As you drove along you brought up the topic of your mission. You discussed how you were going to act out being a couple. "Would you like me to call you something?" You asked him.

"Call me something?"

"You know like babe or honey or darling or beloved..." you listed possible pet names as Theseus felt his face heat up with every suggestion.

"Um you don't have to call me anything."

"Of course I do we want people to believe we're really in love with one another."

But I'm already in love with you. He thought to himself. He saw the hotel in the horizon and attempted to change the subject. "We're here." You rolled up to the hotel it was an architectural masterpiece. It glistened in the sun, your were surprised you hadn't seen it from a mile away.

Theseus got out of the car and made his way to were you'd at to open your door for you. You stepped out as Theseus pulled you close whispering softly. "Remember we're supposed to be a loving couple."

"I remember and it won't be be a problem my beloved." You whispered back as you saw his ears tint red at the pet name.

You looped your arm through his and let him lead you into the hotel as the doorman opened the door and you gave him a thanks. As you made your way the the recipient desk you noticed that the muggles were all starring around you. Theseus seemed to notice too.

"I don't think they think we're a couple." Theseus muttered as he glanced down at you.

You glanced around at the other couples in the hotel and noticed how at ease they were with each other. Theseus however kept a small distance between you too and it seemed as if he was an escort not a boyfriend. "You're too stiff you need to loosen up." You shot back.

"I'll try." He relaxed his shoulders and tried to seem more at ease but it wasn't enough. Unknown to you Theseus was nervous because he was posing as your boyfriend something he would rather be a reality. And he couldn't help himself from thinking that you found him so unappealing and would rather be with his brother on a mission than with him.

You decided to take matters into your own hands. You nuzzled into him and smiled up affectionally at him. He knew what you were doing but part of him couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if all this was real. If you everyday could look at him like that.

"Darling I need to tell you something." You said loud enough for onlookers to hear.

"What is it my love?" Theseus stopped walking and and turned to face you tucking a stray hair behind your ea, his hand lingering and caressing your face.

"Come closer." You smiled at him batting your eyelashes. He leaned closer. "No closer." You we're now inches apart and you closed the space surprising Theseus and everyone around you. You were standing on the tips of your toes kissing Theseus Scamander. You paced a hand behind his head running your hand though his geled hair and placed your other hand on his chest.

Theseus melted into you cupping your face and closing his eyes and he kissed you back all of his dreams coming true as he prolonged the kiss. You slowly pulled away as your eyes fluttered open as both of you out of breath. "Surprise." You said softly. He ran his thumb softly over your lip staring  at you in a way very woman wanted to be looked at.

And at that moment you felt such love and affection for the Scamander brother who was fascinated with cars and who made you happy by being excited at the smallest things.

You broke out of your trance and leaned up again to Eskimo kiss him before whispering," let me handle the talking."

You led him forward to the desk were a uptight proper muggle sat. "Hello sir I'm here to check in with my boyfriend I believe it's under the name Scamander."

The man looked up at you two and you could see that he had a soft spot for couples, something you decided to take advantage or it. "We've been dying to come to this hotel."

"Really?" The man asked.

"Oh yes of course it's a beautiful hotel. My boyfriend and I are architects that's how we met actually. He and I were assigned to work on a project together and we just clicked. This is our first trip together and I'm ever so excited to be taking it with a man as wonderful as my beloved." You turned to smile at him and he returned it and nothing about his look was faked.

The concierge looked at you with loving eyes. The way Theseus looked at You was in no way faked or staged and he could tell. "Of course and for such a lovely couple I'll upgrade you to the honeymoons suite."

"Oh that's too kind we're not even on our honeymoon." Theseus remarked as he pulled you close to kiss the top of your head.

"Ah but the way you look at one another I can tell that wedding bells aren't to far away my darling." The man remarked as he handed you the keys to your room.

"As wonderful as she is and as happy as she makes me, your aren't wrong sir." Theseus shook hands with hand as you passed on your way to the elevator.

As the elevator door closed on you two you both let out shaky laughs but you didn't move away from one another. In fact you nestled yourself closer and rested you head on his shoulder and he wrapped an arm around you. "We did good." Theseus said as he squeezed your shoulder.

"We really do make a good couple." You closed your eyes leaning into him smelling his expensive cologne, the smell putting you at ease.

"Hmm." He hummed in response.

"That was some good acting. For a second I almost thought you loved me." You said wistfully  you were sad that it was probably all an act. You had said the comment without thinking but it hurt Theseus even though you didn't intend it to.

"But I-" he started but then stopped himself thinking better if it. "Yeah it was good acting." He mumbled as he swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat.

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[count-demonlord-of-decadence]

Jocelyn & Orlando

Jocelyn Wright wanted to step in front of a speeding bus when she agreed to go out clubbing. Then she recalled some jokes from high school; she’d probably do more damage to the bus, or she’d just bounce off and be fine, after causing a 6.9 on the richter scale. Jocelyn was 64 inches tall and weighed 188 lbs, she’d always been fat and always teased about it. Her high school life had been so humiliating that she never went to college, despite her 3.9 GPA. She feared it would be no different from high school. This caused her to be extremely cynical about people and relationships. After a handful of jobs that allowed her to be the object of ridicule for the public she landed a job in the call center for the water department. She liked it because she was helpful to people and out of the public eye. She liked to stay at home playing video games and watching horror movies on her days off. She liked horror movies because thin attractive people would get slaughtered despite having everything going for them. 

Today, however, was one of the exceptions. Once a month Jocelyn’s younger sister, Evelyn, would invite her to hang out with her and her friends. Evelyn was five years younger and 50 lbs lighter than Jocelyn, but Evelyn had an hourglass figure and a steady boyfriend. Half the time Jocelyn would either feign illness or work to avoid going, but she did that last month. And if she declined twice in a row, Evelyn would grow more persistent inviting her out every weekend. Jocelyn knew her sister’s intentions were coming from a place of love. She feared Jocelyn was locked in a trash filled apartment, drowning her sorrows with vodka and cookies. Jocelyn wasn’t a hoarder or a hikikomori; she’d just learned to reject people who only valued her as an object of mockery and disgust. So six times a year she agreed to hang out with her sister. 

It was Saturday night, Jocelyn had spent the afternoon dying her curly hair blonde, and choosing an outfit. She hated to endure another scyathing critique from Evelyn and her fashion drones on what a woman her size should and should not wear. She selected a purple dress that Evelyn bought her for her birthday last year. It was one of the six days she let herself be dragged out of the house. She let her sister chose clothes for her on her birthday. She added a ¾ sleeve black bolero cardigan to cover her upper arms and not stand out so much. She had to run out to buy a pair of purple moccasins to match the dress she’d never worn before. They cost more than she hoped, but less than she expected. She’d have to wait for her next paycheck to buy Final Fantasy XV. 

Her one bedroom apartment was clean and sparsely furnished, despite most people’s negative expectations. Jocelyn suspected her sister’s friends joked about the place being littered with empty pizza boxes, candy wrappers and books on weight loss and how to meet the ideal man. She hated these stereotypical perceptions but she hated their amazement that it was true even more. Like she had an obligation to be a walking cliché, and it took away from their fun when she wasn’t. 

The met up at Jocelyn’s apartment because it was in a safe neighborhood with ample parking and was near the club “uroboros” they were going to. “Why didn’t I go wine tasting with them last month?” Jocelyn lamented when her doorbell rang. She knew why though. The last two times she went wine tasting with her sister and her boyfriend they attempted set Jocelyn up with a guy Derrick (Evelyn’s boyfriend) knew. The first, Tony, was repelled when he set eyes on Jocelyn and the second, Sonny, was only interested in fucking her. He even said so when they were alone, and expected her to be receptive to it.

Jocelyn stopped playing Farmville to let them in. Jocelyn had styled her hair and gotten dressed an hour earlier to get some game time in before they left. She’d left her make up undone to give the appearance that she was only now getting ready; and to give the fashion drones a chance to use their only noteworthy skill and give her make up tips. Jocelyn felt lipstick and concealer was enough, but is always criticized for being frumpy. 

First was her sister, Evelyn, her straightened hair in a bun. She wore a crimson cocktail dress, a pearl necklace and red high heels. She was followed by her BFF from high school Charmaine Wilmington. Charmaine was tall and thin with enormous boobs that men fawned over. She had dark skin and straightened black hair about her shoulders. She was married to a MMA fighter currently ranked number 17 in his weight class. She wore a green cocktail dress and black gladiator boots. Her nails were painted to glow in the clubs black light. 

Much to Jocelyn’s dismay, Angelica “Angie” Pettis came too. Angie was a size two blonde who felt there was nothing her looks  or her daddy’s money couldn’t get her. She was picky about everything. If it didn’t meet with her approval, it was clearly bad or inferior. She liked to pretend to be self conscious of her body to keep the attention on herself. She was still single because she demanded a man who made at least a million six a year and drive a hundred thousand dollar car. She was the manager at the bank Evelyn worked at and felt she was doing them a favor by attending. She wore a white scorpion heels, a strapless dress and a mink coat. The first thing  she did when she entered was sneer at Jocelyn’s cheap couch and 32 inch TV.

The usual trio was accompanied by a fourth. They introduced her as Aimee Caine, one of their coworkers. She was noticeably pale, with glasses and short brown hair. She wore a modest black skirt, a green blazer and a gold blouse. She also wore bondage boots that seemed out of place on her. She gave a meek hello before going on to examine Jocelyn’s collection of DVDs and video games. 

Jocelyn and Evelyn went to the bathroom to apply make up. Angie stuck her head in to ask if Jocelyn had anything she could snack on. Jocelyn knew she wasn’t actually going to eat anything. It was just an excuse for her and Charmaine to look in her cupboards and refrigerator for the clichéd junk food they expected to find. All they’d find was an unopened pint of orange sherbert and a Hostess Snoball from eight months ago. Makeup applied, they took an uber to the club where they had drinks, Evelyn announced her engagement to Derrick, dancing, more drinks, more dancing and no guys even talked to Jocelyn. 

On the ride back to her apartment, Angie complained that they didn’t put diet coke in her vodka-cokes making her gain weight, Charmaine and Evelyn complained about getting hit on too much, and Aimee silently appeared to have less fun than Jocelyn; despite her numerous claims otherwise. Grateful none of them spent the night, Jocelyn played star ocean until four in the morning before finally going to sleep.

Orlando James wanted to hang himself when he agreed to go clubbing with his friends. They usually only took him to make themselves look better by comparison, or seem less shallow and vain than they really were. Orlando was 67 inches tall and weighed 259 lbs, most of which was in his beer belly. His black hair was thinning on top and greying. He was assistant manager at the same KFC he'd worked at since his senior year of high school. He didn’t mind going out, unless it was to pick up women. He’d had no luck with women, having only kissed a girl once during a drunken game of truth or dare.

He only agreed to go because if he didn’t, it’d only be a matter of time before they lied to him about where they were going just to thrust him into an environment to hit on women. He didn’t mind rejection, he was far too used to it. What he minded was the insults and the belittling that sometimes accompanied the rejections. A polite “no” or simply worded rejection would suffice. But some women had to mock his weight, hurl profanity at him and/or feign offense at being hit on by an ugly loser. Like it lessened their being by him speaking to them.

He’d been fed platitudes like “all you need is confidence.” and “eventually one has to say yes” since high school but life had proven otherwise. Some years ago he simply stopped trying, devoting his life to video games and anime. His friends claimed his cynicism was just a juvenile defense mechanism, but it was an equal and opposite reaction to his reality. Sometimes he wondered what the difference between insanity and perseverance was. 

His friends were from high school, fellow geeks like him. Though most of them changed their images after graduation. They acclimated well, but Orlando remained the same clichéd geek he was in high school. His friends said this was the primary reason he could land a woman. And he should just pretend to be “normal” before geeking out in front of a girl. Orlando countered with if he was that good of an actor he would’ve been in the drama club instead of the chess club. 

It was Saturday night, and Orlando had been playing World Of Warcraft for three hours and 34 minutes when hard knocking on his door reminded him he was suppose to go out tonight. He opened the door and let them in. Duncan Riggs was Orlando’s best friend since middle school, they even worked at KFC together while Duncan went to college. Duncan was tall and lanky with black hair, slicked back. He wore navy blue slacks with matching sports coat and a lavender collared shirt. He worked in the IT department at city hall. He claimed there was never a shortage of hot women to hit on.

Following him was Angelo Flores, who was in chess club with Orlando. He was short and chubby, but had a handsome face. He favored actor Alfred Enoch, but just in the face and hair. He was a sports reporter and envious of their lifestyles. So he dressed, the part and drove a BMW, despite living in an one bedroom apartment just as cheap as Orlando’s. Angelo’s complex was gated and had a nicer paint job. His entire outfit was by Ed Hardy.

Accompanying them was Martin Hatcher, a former KFC employee who lost 75 lbs after joining a local gym and became a personal trainer. He remained friends with Orlando because of their shared love for Call Of Duty. He wore a grey turtleneck and off black slacks. He also wore a silver cross. He had a bald head and a professionally groomed beard. 

They were aghast that Orlando wasn’t ready, but took the opportunity to pick out his outfit. They chose a red, white and blue checkered shirt Orlando had never worn because he thought it was hideous; and a pair of brown slacks he hadn’t worn in four years because he felt they were too small. The four took an uber to a club called “uroboros”.

Orlando tried to talk to three women. The first was a cute brunette who politely said she wasn’t interested. The second was a dark skinned model type who looked offended he dared to talk to her. And the third was a chubby brunette who told him,

“I understand your friends dragged you out and put you up to this, but you should really hit on women in your league.” she paused to look around and added, “Doesn’t look like there are any here though.” 28 minutes later, on his way to the toilet, he saw the third girl with two of her friends. When she saw him she whispered to her friends, pointed and the three shared a big laugh.

An hour before last call, Orlando was sitting at a table nursing a MGD thinking about the anime he could’ve watched if he simply stayed home when his three friends joined him. They were trying to encourage Orlando to not give up when Angelo said,

“Bro, check ‘er out. Blonde, purple dress, at my seven o’clock. Total BBW”

They gave her a quick look and Martin said,

“Yeah, you should like, totally talk to her Orlando.”

“No way.” Orlando replied, “She’s totally out of my league.”

“C’mon,”Duncan urged, “she’s sitting there, by herself, just waiting for some guy to talk to her.”

“Go f’r it bro! Aye, you nuttin to lose.” Angelo's joke was lost on none. Their pleads and encouragement blended together and it was obvious they weren’t going to stop until he agreed, so he did. He stood up and walked towards her.

As he walked, he began to think about the possibilities. She probably was there with her boyfriend who liked to leave his woman alone so pathetic losers like him would hit on her and he could beat the crap out of them. Maybe she was a lesbian or feminist looking to spew verbal venom at any male who felt entitled to her company. She was probably friends with the kind of women who would chastise him for thinking their friend was so desperate a “guy like him” would have a chance. What kind of women were into guys like him any how? None according to his profiles on five different dating sites. No,he could tell by the expression on her face that the last thing on the planet she wanted was to be bothered by a fat loser such as himself. She’d attract some buff stud with a six figure salary and a sports car. All that awaited him at that table was a polite rejection at best, and a drink thrown in his face at worst. He walked past her and out to the smoking area.

On the ride home the trio spent the entire time pointing out the numerous hot women who were there that he should've hit on. Especially the blonde in the purple dress. Orlando listened just enough to hide the facts that he’d heard it all before and couldn’t care less. They didn’t know, they couldn’t understand, they’d never understand. To them if you flip a coin fifty times, it eventually has to land on tails no matter how many times it lands on heads. But to Orlando, if you flip a coin fifty times and it lands on heads fifty times, it means it didn’t land on tails fifty times. And it’s not going to land on tails. All observable evidence will tell it’s not going to land on tails. Scientists would hypothesize there must be something wrong with the coin.

Orlando entered his apartment, grateful none of his friends needed to stay the night. That allowed him to play Star Ocean until four o’clock in the morning before going to sleep.

[ayearofpike]

Last Act

Pocket Books, 1988 226 pages, 13 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-73683-3 LOC: CPB Box no. 1726 vol. 28 OCLC: 799710298 Released March 10, 1988 (per B&N)

The play gave Melanie Martin a chance to meet some people in her new small town, a handle by which to pull herself into the stream of social life. Of course, she’d have to play opposite the campus beauty, the ice queen, the one who’d baited her into a car accident the previous spring, the one that nobody talked to and everybody was scared of. But over a month of rehearsals, Melanie found herself drawn to this quiet, withdrawn girl who seemed to be rude in order to keep to herself. It’s a shame that Melanie went and shot her on opening night.

Whenever anybody asked me what I saw in Christopher Pike as a college student, this is the book I’d lend out. Sure, we have ghosts and zombies and witches and vulture girls and sexy lizard teens, but I was always drawn to Pike’s other stream of fiction: the malicious victim in full control of her faculties who sets up an elaborate revenge plot and throws us into this whole murder mystery deal. Remember, at the same time I was reading these books, I was plunging headlong into new Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew, and the mystery aspect of the stories was the thing I savored over everything else. The Ick Factor didn’t do anything for me – bring on the fucked-up side of real humanity!

I used to think I wanted to write a murder mystery of my own, and Last Act was a big part of the reason why. I’d read a few traditional murder mysteries by this point (your Sherlock Holmeses, your Hercule Poirots, your Adam Dalglieshes) and none of them ever grabbed me. In fact, the only thing that stood out to me about these other books was that I didn’t care about the crime or the victim because neither did any of the characters. The whole story felt like a neat device to show off this radical idea the author came up with to bump someone off without actually committing murder himself, but he was in such a hurry to talk about it that he didn’t bother imbuing his detective or any of the other characters with, like, empathy. And the characters were all wealthy, overeducated, downgazing adults with diamonds and mink stoles and train valises full of Chateauneuf-du-Pape and shit. Not only were they all up their own asses, but those asses were so far above me that I could not relate even a little bit.

That was not a problem with Melanie Martin. She was lonely, she didn’t have the money her classmates did, she had nothing in common with the kids in her new school, she didn’t think she was worth anyone’s time. And then she found her niche and fit into a group and started to make friends. And then she quickly earned an important role, but it was undermined by a terrible mistake. It was an almost scary parallel with my own experience (albeit I joined band and not drama, and my terrible mistake was bombing my chair test sophomore year and losing section leader and not, you know, shooting a dude). This book, maybe more than all the rest (with one exception that we’ll get to), made me feel like I could do it too: write my own story, create my own fiction and share it with the world, and get people to understand how I saw things and why that was important.

(This is still kind of what I do as a teacher, only now I’m trying to get my students to understand that THEIR writing and THEIR point of view is important, even if it’s “only” texting. The undermining of YA lit in the pre-Potter era really had the adverse effect of telling kids that their voices weren’t important. We’re still digging out of this hole, even though now literally everybody has a platform for a public voice if they want it. Like, check me out, writing about ’90s juvenile horror on the Internet like it matters, but IT DOES because it’s MY VOICE in PUBLIC.)

We do have to grapple with another one of Pike’s BS small towns first  – Careville, Iowa, “population 21,867, but only if you counted the neighboring farmers and their prize-winning hogs” (1). Remember how I calculated Timber, Wyoming, as topping out at 10k? Iowa is a bigger state, yes, but this “small town” is double the size of that. In 2016 this population would put Careville in the top 25, and the towns around that population aren’t exactly sleepy farming villages. Des Moines, the capital and largest city, only has ten times Careville (not counting suburbs). I’m not doing the same level of research here because I’m actually counting on some more factual, on-the-ground disparagement of this so-called “small Iowa town” in the comments.

But anyway, this helps the narrative because it gives us a bigger student population that is pissed off at the ice beauty. Melanie doesn’t actually find out why until after she pulls the trigger. It turns out that her boyfriend (Ice Beauty’s, I mean) was the big man on campus the year before, until she drove his car off a cliff and into a reservoir and paralyzed him from the chest down. So all of a sudden there’s motive from more people, since after all Melanie is the only one who crashed her own car. In fact, most of the people with the strongest motive were in the play or around it: the boyfriend’s sister, his best friend, his old friend who found the play in the first place and wanted to direct it, his crush who Melanie beat out for her role, Ice Beauty’s crush who supplied the gun, the guy who sold her the blanks for the gun.

OK. Can we just talk about this for a second? They’re using a REAL GUN for a school play. And not only is it a real gun on the stage, they’re loading it with REAL BLANKS. I’m sorry, but didn’t PA systems exist in the 1980s? Would it have been completely impossible to stage this show with an empty gun, or even preferably, a TOY gun? And use foley to create the sound of the shots? No, it wouldn’t flare or smoke, but does your average high-school theater attendee really expect THAT level of realism from the gunshot? In the wake of what just happened in Broward County (among other places), this whole concept is totally insane, and yet when I read it in the ’90s it didn’t strike me as that far beyond the pale. Talk about different time and different place.

The thing is, for this story to work it HAS to be a real gun. Because Ice Beauty has to get shot during the play, and Melanie has to believe that she somehow mistakenly put a real bullet in and is responsible for Ice Beauty’s death. So let’s think: who declared that the production should use a real loaded gun? Who blocked the set and the actors for their entrances following the shooting scene, and left open one doorway without anybody in it? Who cast Melanie in the shooter’s role in the first place, knowing all about the car accident and the ill will it caused? Isn’t that the person we need to trace back as the most likely villain? The police figure this out way faster than Melanie does, but not before she gets shot too. We can’t really blame her, though, seeing as she’s a high school student and not a detective.

Lucky for Melanie, the paralyzed BMOC shows up and saves the day. No, I’m serious. Dude in a wheelchair rolls down and tells the killer what an asshole she is and how messed up her brain has become, and she literally gives up. Seriously? A man has to save the day, and he does it despite the killer’s complete lack of grasp on reality? I didn’t remember how this book ended, and was surprised to find that it totally pissed me off. After so many years of recommending it, I can’t believe I was telling my female friends to read a story where a mentally ill woman is “fixed” by a stern talking-to from the dude she loves.

I really did love this book all through my teen years, but when I reread it as an adult, it sort of fell apart. (Not literally. This isn’t even my original copy; it must have gone missing in one of my loans, and I had to buy a new one when I was finishing the collection.) Besides the Great Wheelchaired Hope, the whole thing with the gun just doesn’t work at all, and I’m at a loss to understand the placement of an old LA cop, away from his wife and kids, as the local police captain even with Pike’s in-depth reasoning of (here I am quoting directly from the book) “politics.” There’s also one dude who’s a little bit too aware that the whole thing is a story, decades before self-referential fourth-wall-breaking became a thing, and I’m not sure it’s done well here. Still, the setup and the turmoil still work great. I don’t regret buying it again.