#i need to get a mammogram or something i dont feel lumps it's just weird occasional pressure-like pain

[siffrins-therapist]

Hhhhhhnnnnnnggghhhhh

[warblgarbl4lyf]

Tonight's anxiety: over sleeping and missing my physical, being told to lose some weight at my physical, them telling me my weight is way higher than what it's been measuring on my scale, doc telling me my weird boob lump is suspect and needs further tests, my doc being able to feel my spleen again, getting in trouble for stopping my medication (even tho the doctor okay'd me trying it last time I talked to her), getting blood tests and my levels being super fucky, and work being a shitshow when I go in.

Now, I can make sure I get some rest tonight and set many alarms to get up, that's fine. Can control this.

If I'm fatter, I'm fatter. I'm intending on getting back to eating better and I'm still down from what I was pre-UK. Can control this with some effort.

Mostly likely scenario is fibrous boob tissue or a cyst cuz those run in the family. If I have to have a mammogram or ultrasound then that's what I gotta do and I'll deal with it then. Dont have control over over it.

Dont have control over my spleen and as long as it doesn't hurt it doesn't need to be evicted. If it does, I know how itll go and itll be scary but I'll survive and stay with my parents a few weeks and get short term disability again.

Blood test levels... I've been feeling fine but if there Is something wrong i can try fix it with diet and exercise probably. No control on if itll be good or bad but can control how to react after if I can do anything to help it.

I can't control if work is going to be super busy or not. Never can. I can just go in and try my best and move on to Tuesday. Summer is almost over and I have 5 days til super fun vacation time.

Dissecting things makes them not seem so huge and daunting sometimes. Now to try sleep, or at the very least listen to a podcast for a while.

[moon-cycling]

today I went to the doctor to get an ultrasound and potential mammogram done on my left breast. as i repeated many times today and in the last few weeks, my left breast has felt swollen and tender in my luteal phase - unlike any pain or tenderness i had felt before. while i typically have tender breast around my period - think feeling very full and luscious, something randomly grazes your nipple and it feels more sensitive than usual (its noticeable now), and running down the stairs braless suddenly makes you feel like you need to hold them tight to your chest to make it to the bottom floor - anyhow. while this is all typical, the last two cycles included me feeling like my left breast was going to fall right off of my body. i would complain about it often, and i thought about the pain a lot and it made me want to just lay down and hold my breast, nothing was comfortable because i dont have proper bras for pain (now i kind of do).

so i felt this pain and then mentioned it at my last physical. the doctor said to come back if it hurt again (by then the pain had subsided due to my period coming). i asked what will you do if it hurts again and i come back. she says a breast exam, so i ask if we can just do that right now. she agrees but feels nothing abnormal to her. the pain returns next cycle in the same spot, so i schedule an appointment with that same doctor. I end up getting my period the day of the appointment and cannot make it. they say no appointments until january! wow. so i schedule with my gynecologist the next monday. before then, i take a bath and feel my breasts. i do feel a painful, swollen feeling lump to the left of my left nipple. i get very upset about this naturally.

i go to the gynecologist. she is very sweet and also feels what i felt. the pain was much less dramatic by that day, but she did feel the spot. i remember asking a lot of questions and she answered all that she could. she said it could just be normal cycle changes. i was getting really specific about hormones and she did not know the answer. she sent me for an ultrasound so that was today.

i went, they did the ultrasound and the technician, as my gynecologist had said, i had fybrocystic tissue. she said it changes texture as you age and that god makes all boob differently. i dont feel weird about her touching me at all, its fine. she says the doctor says everything looks normal and that i can get dressed and leave.

that... was not going to happen. i start asking some questions and as the technician is trying to draw tissue on paper for me, she goes to get the doctor. the doctor says that really we cant know what the thing on my breast is because it changes with my cycle. it could be fybrocistic tissue just getting more dense/swollen/whateveridontunderstand which happens with hormonal fluctuation. Or a cyst? But cannot know until it comes back. But they essentially said its all fine and i shouldnt worry.

But basically she is saying that at the rate of cancer at my age, I shouldn't get tested for these things because it costs too much money. She also said that I should do self breast exams day 7 of my period. She also said her society of doctors no longer recommends patients do breast exams because many people just feel their breast anatomy for the first time and think there are bad lumps because they are not used to the physical structure underneath breasts. so the ignorance leads to tests that people cannot afford. just come get mammograms when you turn 40. she said her friend asked her if she should get a baseline one at 35 and she said no. i asked why and she said necessary radiation, cost, and stress.

this was all very confusing because i feel like we were weighing financial and convenience risks against legitimate health concerns. like i clearly need to know my anatomy more (which she did recommend), but the main focus was on not wasting time and money on doing breasts testing. i wonder how breast care is in other countries. apparently 1 in 8 women get breast cancer in their lives. and there's a gene you can test for that i want to.