#i need to do chores mama mia let me go

[muwitch]

devil had me when i opened bg3 instead of ps for the posts and still has me in the death choke

[dafukdidiwatch]

Signs (2002)

Were aliens always this boring?

Overview: Former Priest Graham is raising his two kids with his brother in a farmhouse after his wife died. However mysterious crop circles pop up and strange things start to happen as it appears aliens have arrived.

So this is a Shyamalan movie and honestly the track record for me liking his films is pretty low. Avatar the Live Action was terrible. You guys can all see my review of The Happening I did before. I think the only film I liked of his was Unbreakable which was a pretty realistic take of Superheroes. With that in mind, I didn’t really have high hopes here.

It also sort of doesn’t help that I first heard of this movie as a bad movie by watching movie reviews of it. I watched a lot of Nostalgia Critic for the longest time, and this movie was one of his reviews. So...didn’t really help my perception of a movie, as a movie.

But, I still tried to give a benefit of the doubt here. NC made Mama Mia seem bad but when I watched it, it was a fun dumb movie. Maybe it was lies, or a bit more exaggerated that what the movie really was like. Hence, watching the movie for my Movie Reviews.

I was bored out of my mind.

So my sister watched it with me because she said she saw it before and it also bore her out of her mind. So we decided to be bored together.

I couldn’t help it! Everyone spoke in a monotone all the time. Regardless of what paper-thin reaction they called an emotion they were trying to convey. It was really really hard to even get invested when everyone was speaking in the “this is a serious film, we need to be serious here, this is dramatic and serious so everyone has to have their serious face on” like, how an I supposed to care about the issues when the characters don’t even seem to care?

The only like that I liked because it actually had emotion was when the cop was saying was trying to give suggestions about who the morph-suit batman alien really way, and the brother Merrill says something along the lines of “So outside of Scandinavian women long-jumping outside our house, who do you think it really is?“ That’s the only good line in the film because it was Funny, Realistic, and had some fucking emotion in it damn.

It also doesn’t help that me and my sister fought over the boy of the film. I said it was the Home Alone kid, she said I’m crazy and it wasn’t. Turns out it was his brother. Has no relevance to the movie, just a fun thing to know.

For the most part, the movie just felt flat. Even though the plot beats were on point. I can see them do the build up, the tension, the “wtf is going on”, how the whole world is affected and not just them. I can see the logic and reason for how most of the film is structured, but it just doesn’t work for me. I’m sorry but monotone doesn’t make things more dramatic it makes it hard for me to relate to the characters. I can’t feel for them, if they can’t feel for themselves.

Not saying that everything was done pitch perfect here. Like, the slow-burn of how Graham lost his wife to the point of flash-backs. Ok, that can work. But then we have like the girl always leaving water glasses half way all over...ok weird but it’s a little kid so I get it. Then we have like, a scene where we all just got info-dumped by the military and some podunk punk about Merril’s failing baceball career? And Shyamalan being the guy who killed Graham’s wife and giving a monologue about how he was meant to have killed his wife?? While being also “oh btw I locked it in the closet, wood is it’s weakness, same with water, later“ like.....OKAY??? The plot beats were there but they could have done a lot better with the execution of exposition and foreshadowing.

I think it’s the way they also tried to humanize the characters just doesn’t work. Like when the Cop Lady was talking about how some mean old biddy was spitting on store skateboards, that reminded me of a scene in Jaws where the secretary was telling Brody that 9 year olds were karate chopping a fence. And comparing them, it works a lot better in Jaws than Signs. With Jaws, it’s 4th of July, literally the entire police squad is busy preparing for the holiday, dealing with the locals, and trying to go through the actual paperwork. The secretary was A) making the small town more realistic and B) just piling on to the already chaotic chores that Brody needs to take care of. But in Signs, there was no connection to this story and Graham. Graham had nothing to do with the crazy old lady, no connection between him and the town at that point. It might have tried to flesh her out, but nothing to actually bolster the plot. The environment doesn’t match the story she was telling, being quiet and alone and just the two of them.

And many questions about the Aliens. Actually, more comments than questions really. Because it took me a while after the movie to realize that, the Aliens never did anything bad did they? Think about it, all they did was be in camo and watched more/less. It wasn’t like they ever had guns, weapons, tried to nuke a city. Most of the “dangerous” alien feel was from the people not knowing why they were there, which we STILL don’t know why they were there in the first place. So the tension comes from us trying to react to a possible threat on a small-scale farmhouse, without actually knowing if it is a threat or not.

Now, you can say “well what about the alien that tried to kill Morgan, or when they attacked the house, that was bad” let me hit you back with this one. The Alien that mainly attacked was the one that Graham had chopped some fingers off. He was locked in a closet, barely got out. And by the time he did the rest of his team ditched him on a dangerous planet that he couldn’t leave from. This human asshole prevented him from going home, yeah I would probably be pissed and want revenge on that one guy.

Morgan said that there were only two options for aliens to have come here, which is bs because there could be other reasons why. Like, crash landing. Got Lost and putting out an SOS. Maybe scientists trying to study them. But having a child give out only 2 possible options does add to the parania so I’ll let that slide.  

Science Wise I don’t think the aliens would have even worked. If water is like acid to them.....what about fog? Clouds? Mist? Where do you think morning due comes from? Hell the sky is BLUE because of the water being refracted in the air. So their weaknesses are Water, Wood, and being beating the shit out of them.

Also....the alien had fucking CLAWS. What is that bullshit of just puffing out poison perfume from their wrists?? Like, dude, shred him. You wanted to give the kid a more civilized death or something??

But the worst thing I can think of is, We Don’t See The Aliens. Yes, foreshadowing and slow reveal of the monster adds to the fear of the monster and the gravity of the situation when you do see it. Jaws did that well. And the slow reveal of the aliens was also well done in Signs too, like blurry cameras, only body parts where you don’t see them. The PROBLEM comes from the fact that Even at the END of the movie, where the alien HAS little boy Morgan captured and poisoned, you STILL don’t see shit! Nothing! It’s just backlighting to block the view or reflections in water glasses and frames. It’s the END! The dude it beating it with a BAT! Give us like SOMETHING here.

Overall: This wasn’t a good movie. Well, it was a “proper” movie, but not an enjoyable one. You can see the plot and think it makes sense. Some of the thriller tension scenes were done well like Graham and the Pantry Alien. But overall it was boring. There was no emotion for me to latch onto. I was confused by choices made in exposition and direction. It just wasn’t fun.

[renatorizzuti]

Cinderella the Calabrese Musical

Written by Renato Rizzuti

The curtain rises to reveal a very clean but modest living room in an Eighteen Century house in Calabria. A pretty young girl named Cinderella is sweeping the floor. She pauses for a minute, leans on her broom and sings, “Oh che vita!/Oh che vita!/La casa a desere sempre pulita/Le suoru mia fanno na bella vita/Io devu fare tutti i servici/Mi tennanu cumu na persona di servici/Che mama bruta e malandrena/Me fa lavorare senza fina/O voliu essere liberatta/Di chista mama matta!” The English translation does not have a rhyme scheme of course but it translates as, “Oh what a life!/Oh what a life!/The house always needs to be cleaned/My sisters lead a life of leisure/I have to do all the chores/They keep me like a maid/What a terrible and selfish mother/She makes me work endlessly/Oh I wish I could be freed/From this crazy mother!”

You see, Cinderella’s mother had passed away and her father had married a widow with two daughters.  Her Stepmother did not like Cinderella and treated her daughters much better to the point of spoiling them with dresses and shoes. Nothing was too good for her own daughters and nothing was what she gave to Cinderella.

Cinderella starts sweeping the floor again as her two Stepsisters come dancing in. As they dance, they sing, “Tutti cose sunnu per nue/Nente cosi di tue/Nui mangiamu bene e ne faccimu grassa/Tu mange nente solu le ose!”  This translates as. “Everything is for us/Nothing is for you/We eat well and get fat/You eat nothing only the bones!”  Then they danced off the stage leaving Cinderella crying by the fireplace.

In the next scene, Cinderella is again talking to the Cat which is what she is used to doing for many long hours. Cinderella said to the Cat, “Gatta mia, che cosi pensi da mia situazione?  The translation is, “My dear Cat, what do you think of my situation?” The Cat replied, “Non ti preoccupare, tu si bella! Ma le suoru tue puru che si vestannu belle sonnu sempre brute!”  This translates as, “Do not be preoccupied! Even if your sisters dress in beautiful dresses, they will always be ugly!” Cinderella smiled a weak smile.  The Cat proceeded to sing Cinderella a song. As the Cat sang, Cinderella broke out in a genuine smile. Some of the lyrics of the Cat’s song were, “Tu si bella comu na rosa/I sorelle sonu brute cose/A bellezza e na cosa di tantu valore/A bruttezza e na cosa che fa dolore.”  The translation is, “You are beautiful like a rose/ Your sisters are ugly things/Beauty is a thing of great value/Ugliness is a thing that causes pain.” 

It is morning in the next scene. A delivery type man comes dancing on to the stage carrying two dresses and singing, “U ballu, u ballu, u ballu!/Qiste sunu e belle veste/Per na bella festa!”  This translates as, “The ball, the ball, the ball!/These are the beautiful dresses/For the beautiful feast!”  Cinderella enters the scene and signs for the dresses. The delivery man goes dancing off. Cinderella’s Stepmother enters the scene, sees the dresses and starts singing, “Qiste sunu e veste per le mie belle figlie/Tu sta a casa ca non si la mia figlia!” This translates as, “These are the dresses for my beautiful daughters/You stay home because you are not my daughter!” You see, the King was having a ball and Cinderella’s Stepsisters were going while Cinderella had to stay home to do housework.  The Stepmother leaves the stage and Cinderella starts to cry.  The Cat sings to her, “Povera ragazza!/Mamate e pazza!” This translates as, “Poor girl!/Your mother is crazy!” 

The next scene takes place in Cinderella’s bedroom. Cinderella is sitting on the edge of her bed crying. Suddenly, the whole stage is lit up with a brilliant white light and a Fairy Godmother appears and sings, “Bella  non piangere piu!/A il ballu va anche tu!”  This translates as, “My dear do not cry any more!/To the ball also you will go!”  Cinderella asks how she can go to the ball dressed in rags. The Fairy Godmother waves her magic wand and suddenly Cinderella is dressed in a beautiful gown! Then the Fairy Godmother instructs Cinderella to get a large zucchini to use as a coach so she could get to the ball. Cinderella rushes off to the kitchen to get one.  Then the Fairy Godmother asks the Cat to bring her seven live mice. The Cat then rushes off to get the mice. The lights then fade to black. 

In this scene, Cinderella rushes in with the big zucchini and the Cat rushes in with seven live mice he caught in the cellar.  The Fairy Godmother makes another spectacular entrance and waves her magic wand.  Suddenly the zucchini turns into a red coach with yellow trim. Six mice turn into six white horses and the seventh mouse turns into a coachman dressed in a sharp looking uniform to drive the coach.  The Fairy Godmother then warns Cinderella to come back home before midnight because by then the magic will wear off and things will be transformed back to normal. Cinderella is overcome with emotion and sings, “Che notte prodigiosou e meravigliosu!/Qista e veramente na bellacose!”  This translates as, “What a stupendous and marvelous night!/This is really a beautiful thing!”   

The next scene opens on the magnificent ball. It is five minutes to midnight and Cinderella is enjoying a dance with the Prince. Suddenly, Cinderella remembers what the Fairy Godmother had said about returning before midnight. Cinderella panics and abruptly leaves the Prince and goes rushing down the exit stairs. As she runs, she loses one of her slippers but does not dare to stop to pick it up.  What a spectacle it would be if the stroke of midnight sounded and Cinderella was transformed back to her previous wardrobe of rags!  Cinderella rushes out and the lights fade to black. 

The next scene opens in the morning at the castle.  The Prince is holding the slipper that Cinderella left behind.  The Prince then sings to the Royal Ministers of the court, “Io sonu inamoratu di qista raggazza bella/Va videre a chi la scarpa po mettere, a quale Calabrisella!” This translates as, “I am enamoured of this beautiful girl/Go and see which Calabrese girl fits the shoe!” 

The scene quickly changes and opens on a long line of young women who were at the ball that night. They are sitting end to end from one end of the stage to the other. The Royal Ministers of the court are making their way down the line singing, “Scarpa, scarpa, scarpa, a chinu le cape la scarpa?”  This translates as, “Slipper, slipper, slipper, who fits the slipper?”  They tried on the slipper all the way down the line until only Cinderella was left right at the end of the line.  At that point, Cinderella’s Stepmother, who was watching the proceedings starts to sing, “Ma non e possibile che le cape la scarpa a qista bruta /Le figlie mie sonu piu belle che non po disputa!”  This translates as, “It is not possible that the slipper will fit this ugly girl/My daughters are much more beautiful and that you cannot dispute!”  So they tried the slipper on Cinderella’s foot.  It fit! Everybody on stage let out a collective gasp and the lights go down. 

The scene continues in a flash of light as Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother comes swooping down onto the stage. Cinderella magically was transformed into a young and beautiful girl wearing a gown that was fashioned by the hottest Court Designer named Oscar De Le Genta. The Stepmother and the Stepsisters were left with their mouths hanging open!  The Royal court Ministers started to sing, “Vene con noi ca ta asspetta u Principu/Quindi po continuare il romanzu!” This translates as, “Come with us because the Prince is waiting for you/Therefore you can continue your romance!” 

The last scene is the grand finale. The Prince and Cinderella have gotten married and they are dancing their first dance at the wedding reception.  All the guests start to sing, “E vive i sposi, e vive i sposi!/Vi auguriamu tante belle cose!” This translates as, “Hurray for the married couple, hurray for the married couple!/We wish them many wonderful things!”  Everybody then joins in the dance. They are all dancing the night away as the curtain slowly closes. The End!