#i need friends to spaz with big cries

[atlafan]

A Case of the Giggles - One Shot

a/n: I saw someone send someone else an ask about how they wished more people wrote about laughing or giggling during sex, and I got inspired. Enjoy! 

Words: 3K

Warnings: Fluff and Smut! 

Y/N had a problem with giggling, especially when she was nervous. She’s been like this her entire life, and she’s just accepted it. Sometimes she would have to explain to people, especially at work, that she has a nervous laugh, and that it really didn’t mean she was being a goof. Her current employer thought it was hilarious that she even mentioned it in her interview. She appreciated the honesty. It’s a good thing she didn’t like to gamble because her giggle would give her away.

Her boyfriend, Harry, thought it was the cutest thing in the world. When they first met at a mutual friend’s birthday party, she giggled when he shook her hand.

“Usually I have to work a little harder to make someone laugh.” He said, and winked at her, which made her giggle even more. “It’s nice to finally meet you, I’m Harry.”

“I’m Y/N.” She let go of his hand and tried to take a deep breath. “You and Chris work together, right?”

“Yeah, we’re office neighbors. How do you know him?”

“Childhood friends.”

“Ah, well, lucky him.” He smiled, and of course, she giggled again. He looked at her, almost as if to wonder if she really thought he was that funny.

“I’m so sorry, I…” She giggled. “I have this thing where I laugh if I’m nervous.”

“Oh!” He looked around all the other people at the bar mingling, and dancing, celebrating their friend. “I’ve made you nervous?” He sounded sort of concerned.

“Very.” She giggled.

“I’m so sorry, do you want me to-“ He stared to move away from her.

“No!” She grabbed his wrist. “It’s me, not you. You’re just, um, very handsome…” She blushed, holding back her giggle as best she could.

That was enough for Harry. He talked with her the entire night, and got her number before they parted ways. He thought maybe the giggle would fade, but on their first few dates she found it difficult not to feel nervous around him. He thought it was cute. He sort of felt bad that she had this tell, he at least could hide how nervous he felt. He liked that it made her a little more blunt about how she was feeling.

The first time he kissed her, he had taken her out to the beach for a walk at sunset. He really wanted it to be romantic. It was their third date. Their toes were in the warm sand, his arm was around her as they both looked out at the sunset. He tilted her chin up towards him, and he leaned in. She could barely get through it. She laughed so hard she cried, and she was incredibly embarrassed. Harry assured her it was fine, and he even laughed a little too.

“I ruined it, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t, just makes it more memorable. I wish you didn’t feel so nervous around me.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s not a bad nervous, it’s like butterflies, the good kind. I really like you.”

“I really like you too.”

A couple of weeks and many more dates later, they made things official. Harry didn’t like playing games, and neither did Y/N, so they were both happy to be on the same page. She giggled less when they kissed, she felt so comfortable with Harry now. She still felt butterflies, but she was able to control her impulse a little more. Because he knew she would easily get nervous, though, they took the physical side of things a little slower. One of the first times they really made out, she wanted to kill herself. She just couldn’t get it together when he started to kiss on her neck. She was straddling him, rolling her hips on him, doing well, and then he started to kiss down her jaw and just under her earlobe.

“Should I stop?” He whispered as he moved some hair away from her face.

“No, it feels good…I’m sorry.” She hid her face in his shoulder. “I’m such a spaz.”

“You’re not, babe.”

“But I always ruin the moment.” She pouted.

“Do you see a speech therapist or, like, any type of therapist? Do you know why you laugh when you get nervous?”

“It’s been like this since I was a kid, and yeah, I do see someone. I mostly just warn people that I do it. I don’t know if anything happened to me…there’s really no medication I can take…”

“It doesn’t bother me, I honestly think it’s adorable.”

“But it’s so frustrating.”

“You don’t do it as much when we’re just kissing now, we just need to work on it.”

“Okay, thanks, Harry.”

She smiled and pecked his lips. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He was right, it just took a little bit of time, and she didn’t giggle as much while they were making out or groping each other. She would mostly just smile against him, and he loved it. As long as she was having a good time with him, he didn’t really care if she needed to stop to have a giggle.

When it came time to get a tad more intimate, Y/N was feeling really proud of herself. She and Harry were making out on his couch one evening after a dinner date, she had unbuttoned his shirt to kiss down his stomach, and her hands had roamed down to his belt buckle.

“Is this okay?” She asked.

“Course, baby, go for it.” He smiled and she smiled back.

She bit her bottom lip as she undid his pants. She reached her hand inside his pants to palm him at first. She listened to how his breath hitched, feeling good about the way he was reacting to her touch. She was in the zone ready to go. She leaned up to kiss him while she reached inside his boxers to take him fully out. It was when she looked down at his full, hard length when she started giggling, which turned into a full laugh. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, she felt terrible, especially when she saw him growing softer.

“No, please!” She gripped him. “I’m so sorry!” She kept giggling.

“Y/N, Y/N!” He snatched her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Please, try to take a breath.”

She does her best to slow her breathing, but every time she looked down she had to bite back a giggle.

“Just, maybe don’t look at it?’ He suggested.

“I’m so sorry, I’m not laughing because anything’s wrong, it’s just so big and it took me by surprise is all. I really want to blow you, I just got a little nervous because I’m not sure how it’s supposed to fit down my throat.” Her cheeks were red from embarrassment, and her eyes were a little red from the tears that had formed from her laughter.

“No pressure, babe, just take what you can…I know it’s a lot.”

“I may keep my eyes closed…”

“Or just look at me…I sort of like the eye contact.” He blushed.

“Oh, Harry, I wouldn’t be able to keep it together if I looked up and saw you looking at me, I’m sorry.”

“Alright, uh, just try it your way then. It’ll still feel good.” He smiled reassuringly and she got to work.

She closed her eyes as she got her tongue on his tip. She worked over his slit before getting her mouth around him. She pumped what she couldn’t fit in her mouth. His head rolled back as she worked on him. It was a good blow job.

Y/N did a lot for Harry, and he desperately wanted to return the favor, but she just wasn’t ready. She was petrified of ruining the moment. He just wanted to make her feel good. They had been seeing each other for a few months now, he was in love with her, and he wanted to tell her, show her. So, Harry invited her out to his cabin by the lake for a weekend away. She was incredibly excited to have a long weekend away with her man. Things were going so well, her relationships never went this well. Most guys got annoyed with her giggling. Harry was so cool about it!

“Got everything?” He asks on the way up.

“Mhm, double checked my packing list.” She rests her hand on his as he drives. “This’ll be great, babe. Gonna put that new bathing suit I showed you to good use.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to see you wear it.” He kisses her hand. “We’ll have our own little private beach too. I rented a boat for the weekend, we can have a little picnic on the lake.”

“You’re so romantic, I love you.” She let it slip, and then she bursts into laughter, clasping a hand over her mouth. Harry slowly pulls over, and parks the car. “What are you doing?! We’re on the highway.”

“What did you just say?” He turns his body to look at her, squeezing her hand.

“I…I said I love you, Harry.”

Just as she’s about to start laughing again, he cups her face and brings her in for a kiss. It’s tender, but needy. He sucks on her bottom lip before letting her go.

“I love you too.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do!” He laughs. “Was the whole point of bringing you up here, I was gonna tell you this weekend.”

“Great, another thing I ruined.” She pouts.

“No! No, babe, this was perfect. Takes all the pressure off now, I swear.”

“Okay.” She smiles.

He kisses her again before pulling back onto the road. He was right, it did take a lot of the pressure off. They each must have said it five more times on the car ride alone. He couldn’t get enough of it. They both get everything into the cabin, and then he shows her around. She uses the bathroom to freshen up, and then they spend the evening eating food off the grill, and cuddling by a small fire. They were curled up in a blanket looking up at the stars.

“Wanna head in?” He asks her.

“Yeah, that bed looks really comfortable.”

“It is.”

They hold hands as they walk inside. They both sit down on the bed and start kissing. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d be spending the night together, but Harry hoped it would be the first time she’d let him travel a little farther south. She had gotten used to him feeling her breasts, she liked the way he would knead them and tweak her nipples. She even made it through him sucking on them, but that took a bit for her to work up to.

His tongue was in her mouth and she couldn’t help but moan into him. She tugs at the hem of his shirt, and he breaks the kiss to get it off.

“Yours too?” He asks, just to make sure.

“Mhm.” She smiles and takes her shirt off. Her bra was cute, a lacey black number.

“This is so cute, baby.” He pouts. “Did you buy it for me?”

“I saw it while I was shopping for that bathing suit you can’t wait for me to wear.” She giggles.

“Is it part of, um, a matching set?”

“It is.” She giggles again. “Would you like to see?”

“God, yes.”

She stands up and undoes her pants. She lets them drop to the floor. His eyes gaze at her cheeky, lace, black underwear. She turns around in a circle so he can catch the curve of her bum. She looks down at him, and straddles his lap.

“What do you think?”

“You’re so beautiful.”

She cups his jaw and kisses him. She rolls her hips down on him and he groans against her.

“Will you let me make you feel good tonight?”

She blushes and bites her bottom lip harshly to stifle her giggle. She would not ruin the moment tonight. She takes a deep breath and nods her head yes. He lifts her up and lays her on the bed. He hovers over her and kisses on her neck, and down to the plushy parts of her breasts that were spilling out of the top of her bra. He’d get it off her later, he had more important things to do. He kisses down her stomach, and he can feel her tense up underneath him. He looks up at her, and she sends him a smile. He was surprised at how well she was doing.  He thought too soon, though, because when he started to kiss on one of her hips, a giggle broke out.

“Sensitive spot, keep going.” She smiles.

“So, I can take these off?”

“Mhm.” Her cheeks were even more red now. He felt terrible that he was doing this to her, but at the same time it was nice to know how much of an effect he had.

He hooks his fingers into her panties and drags them down her legs, tossing them aside. Her knees close quickly, and he looks at her.

“Babe.”

“Sorry.” She takes a deep breath. “You sure you want to? I could just bl-“

“Nope, sorry, tonight’s about you. Wanna show you how much I love you, Y/N.”

She starts giggling, but is able to control it as she opens her legs for him. She wanted this just as much, she just needed to calm down.

“Wanna suck on my fingers so they’re nice and wet for you?”

She nods and opens her mouth for him. She licks and sucks around his middle and index fingers. She smirked at him as she did it, and he just looked at her adoringly. He loved his baby girl so much. He retracts his fingers from her mouth and gently slides them up and down her slit. He rubs them around her folds, and instead of a laugh or a giggle like he was expecting, she lets out soft moans and whimpers. He uses his thumbs to spread her apart further so he can properly see her clit. He rubs circles into it and watches her face. Her mouth was open and her head was rolled back into the pillow.

He adjusts himself so he’s laying on his stomach before her. His fingers play around her center as he leans in. Just as he gets his tongue on her, she bursts out laughing. He looks up at her and sees her looking down at him.

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t know you were going to do that.” She giggles.

“What did you think I was doing down here?” He chuckles.

“I don’t know, I thought you were just going to finger me or something!” She laughs, tears in her eyes now. “I’m fine, I’m fine, go ahead.”

He smiles and shakes his head. He tries to flick his tongue on her clit, but she bursts out laughing again. Harry never got annoyed with her, but right now he just wished she could clam down.

“Just ignore me.” She says. “I’ll be able to get a grip, I’m sure of it.”

Harry takes a deep breath and tries to lick her through her giggles, she even bites down on her forearm to try to stifle her stupid laughter. She found herself having a full on fit, and she bursts into tears. Harry sits up to look at her. Now he really felt terrible.

“Hey.” He reaches to wipe her tears away. “It’s alright, we don’t have to do this tonight.”

“But I want you so bad! This is so frustrating, I bet it would feel really good.” She sniffles.

“You weren’t nervous when you thought I was just going to finger you. Maybe I could try that first to relax you, and then try my tongue again.”

“What’s the use? I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to dump me for some girl you could easily do these things with.” She pouts and wipes her eyes.

“Baby, don’t say stuff like that. I love you, I meant it when I said it. You’re worth it, you’re more than worth it. I can’t even think about wanting to be with anyone else.”

“Really?”

“Of course.” He kisses her lips and she pulls him close to her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. Let’s just have fun, yeah? This is supposed to be a good time. No pressure.”

“I really do want you to fuck me.”

“I have to prep you first, babe.” He kisses on her neck as his hand drags back now between her thighs. He slowly works his middle finger inside her. “How’s that?” He could tell she was doing better from the way she was sinking into the bed.

“Good.”

He works another finger into her and curls them up as he pumps them in and out. Her head rolls back again as he sucks on one of her nipples. He keeps her distracted with his skilled fingers as he kisses down her body again. He carefully wraps his mouth around her clit and sucks. Before she can really laugh or giggle, her throat gets caught in a moan. She pushes herself up on her elbows to look at him better. She was amazed by him, and what he was doing felt so good.

“Fuck, Harry!”

His eyes snap up to hers. She never really used words when they would do things like this. She’d moan and whimper, but she’s never said his name like that before. Harry loved talking dirty, but he kept it to a minimum because he just figured it would make her too nervous, and then she’d feel bad for giggling. He smirks at her as he laps around at her clit, his fingers still working wonders inside her.

“Oh my god, you’re gonna make come, ugh!” She throws her head back and grinds her hips up towards him.

He found himself pressing his lower half into the mattress. He had never seen her like this, and it was doing something to him. She moans his name loudly as she comes to her release, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. He crawls back up her body so he’s hovering over her face.

“You did so well.” He kisses her. “I’m so proud of you.”

“It felt so good.” She kisses him and wraps her arms around his neck. “Please, fuck me, Harry.”

They had already discussed birth control and everything, and he trusted that she took her pill every day, so there was really no need for a condom. He could always pull out if she wanted him to. He lines himself up with her, and slowly starts to push inside. Her nails dig into his shoulders as he continues to go in inch by inch.

“Goddammit, you’re so tight.” He groans. She bites her bottom lip and tries to breathe. “You feel so fucking good.” He says into her ear as he starts to move.

“I’m…I’m…” She starts giggling. “I’m so wet.” She bursts into laughter and so does he. He rocks in and out of her as they both laugh. “Sorry, I was trying to say something sexy, but…”

“It was plenty sexy.” He kisses on her neck. “And you are really wet.” He nibbles on her earlobe and she grits her teeth.

He was really stretching her out and it felt amazing. She wraps her legs around his waist, digging her heels into his ass. He kneads one of her breasts and it causes her to moan out again. Everything felt sensitive, she couldn’t take it anymore. His tip was hitting her g-spot in the most perfect way. She does something that surprises him. One of her hands slides up, and gently grips his throat. Her eyes were screwed shut, and he could tell from the way she was tightening around his dick that she was close.

“Oh, fuck!” She cries out as she comes around his cock. Her grips on his throat tightens as she rides it out.

His eyes roll into the back of his head, and he pulls out quickly to come on her stomach. He tries to catch his breath, but her hand is still on him. She was too busy looking at the come on her belly to notice.

“Babe.” He says weakly, and puts his hand over hers.

“Oh!” She giggles. “Sorry.” She lets go of him.

“No, that’s okay.” He leans in and kisses her cheek. “Let me get something to clean you up, be right back.”

She lays there waiting for him, and he comes back swiftly with a towel to clean her up. He tosses it to the floor and hops back on to the bed. He pulls her close to him, covering face with kisses. It makes her giggle, but not in a nervous way. It was genuine. She rolls onto her side and props herself up on her elbow.

“How do you feel?” He asks, rubbing at her side.

“Really good, that was fun.” She smiles. “Sorry if my giggles got in the way.”

“You don’t need to keep apologizing, I like laughing with you. You’re contagious.”

“But…doesn’t it take away from the passion?”

“Not really.” He shrugs. “Sex doesn’t need to be so serious, it’s fun, people should laugh more when they fuck.” He yanks her closer to him and buries his face in her chest. She plays with his hair as he nestles in. He plants kisses on her and she loves it. “Can’t get enough of you.” He mumbles and then looks up at her. “M’really happy, Y/N.”

“Me too.” She kisses his forehead and his eyes flutter closed.

She wondered if she’d get a chance to wear her bathing suit and go on the boat as he promised, or if they’d end up staying in the bed the entire weekend. She was spending time with her boyfriend, who loved every inch of her, inside and out, so it didn’t really matter with either way.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #457

“blue are the words i say and what i think  /  blue are the feelings that live inside of me”

Do you buy your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret? No. That shit is so overpriced and not for my size group. Would you ever use an online dating service? I never would again. Are you good at multitasking? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Have you ever eaten Frosted Mini Wheats? Ugh, those are so gross. What does your bikini look like? You think THIS bitch wears a bikini??????????????????????? Does age really matter in a relationship? To an extent, yes. How much does the last person you kissed mean to you? I honestly don't even know if I'd be here without her. Almost like magic, Sara popped back into my life right after I returned home from the hospital following my suicide attempt. She helped make recovery possible as a solid source of support. Do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough. My skin is so dry; I need to. Do you believe in teenage love? I experienced it deeply and thoroughly, so yes. Have you ever sat on the roof of your house? No. Do you like Sublime? I like that one popular one of theirs. "Santaria" or whatever it's called? What’s your favorite movie genre? Paranormal horror, especially the "found footage" type. It's creepy to imagine it being actually real. Is there a celebrity that you’d be willing to have a one night stand with? If he was single? I know in my gut I would lmaooooo Do you want to live in your current town the rest of your life? OH MY GOD PLEASE NO If you found out today your best friend was gay what would you do? She's demisexual, so. She can like anybody. If you could get a pet for free today-what kind/what name? A tegu, because it wouldn't need an enclosure that I don't have. I'd let it free roam. God, I can only imagine Roman's reaction. How many people have you slept with? If you mean what I think you do by "slept," one. Do you ever wish you had a family business to become a part of? Not really. What’s the most gruesome way you could come up with to kill someone? Hunny, have you seen my dark RP????? The world best be glad I'm a pacifist lmfao Do you think anyone deserves to die that way? I don't believe in torture, so no. If you had to fight for survival, what would your weapon of choice be? A gun, I guess? I'd want something with range and that's quick. I wanted to say a bow and arrow, but preparing another arrow after shooting once could really cost you your life. Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans? I don't wear jeans anymore. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog, period. If not, are you afraid of them? No, I love big 'ole puppos!!!!! I just don't wanna own a dog myself. Are you good at playing darts? Holy fuck no, I have NO hand-eye coordination. I once stabbed the guy at a balloon popping booth thing with a dart in the arm, if that tells you anything, ooooooooooof. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? YESSSSSSSSS omg Do your parents know that/if you smoke? They know that I don’t. Have you ever been under a blacklight? Omg so in elementary school, we did this thing once where we all washed our hands as best we could and then put them under some sort of light (maybe a blacklight, idk???) to see JUST how resilient germs are. You gotta scrub the fuck out ya hands, people. How many pounds do you want to lose? I'd rather not share a number, but a lot. What’s your favorite natural phenomenon? The Northern Lights. Do you snore? Very surprisingly for someone with sleep apnea like mine, I actually don't. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? Off the very top of my head, one, but it's spelled differently. I KNOW I know of a shitload more Brittanys, though. Is it possible you could be pregnant? Well, I haven't been intimate with a man in years and just finished my period, so like- Could you go a day without texting? I go most days without texting. Do you have a step-parent? My dad is remarried, so yes. If so, do you get along with them? She's EXTREMELY Christian, so her beliefs wildly disagree with mine, but I keep my mouth shut a lot just to keep the peace. She IS a very sweet woman, nevertheless, and am glad she and my dad are so happy together. Does your current/last job require that you wear a uniform? My last job (which lasted not even two hours lol) did. When will your driver’s license expire? My permit has been expired for like... two years. Do you live in an apartment? No. If the last person you kissed proposed to you what would you say? That's too wild a concept to even imagine. I'd probably ask if she was okay lmao. Would you ever get back with one of your exes? Weeeelp, I want to get back together with Girt. Pretty badly. Write a foreign word, and what it means: "Schadenfreude" is a German term that essentially means secondhand embarrassment, but it doesn't have a perfect translation. Is there an ex you think about everyday? Inevitably. That's PTSD, my friends. Who is the last person that you said I love you to, besides family members? Sara. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Something along the lines of "no one could ever love you like I do." It boils my blood just typing that; I considered even deleting this question. That quote right there is fucking manipulation, even IF I thoroughly believed it. Who was the last person to comment one of your pictures? I don't feel like looking. Do you tend to go for older or younger when looking for someone to date? It's weird, I'm into slightly older-than-me guys, but probably girls who are barely a bit younger than me. Have you ever been used? I don't think so. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? Like I've said in plenty of surveys: Jason is probably a permanent fixture. But also as of the past two days, Girt's been living up there. I went from "hmmm I just don't know how I feel" to "FUCK I want to talk to him about how stupidly into him I am right this fucking INSTANT" pretty goddamn fast. It kinda scares me just because of how extreme my feelings are. Again. That's only ever gotten me hurt. Buuuut let's not get into that. Have you ever got caught cheating on a test? No, because I've never tried to. Will your next kiss be a mistake? I hope it won't be. But it's not like I know the future. Have you ever worn an oxygen mask? Actually yes, when I was young and thought I was having an asthma attack or something. Mom had one for her own asthma. Then I obviously wore one for surgery. What song do you want to be played at your funeral? "Paradise" by Coldplay is absolutely #1. How many swear words are in the song you’re listening to? I'm not listening to music; I'm back to watching Gab play Sekiro. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same sex, and if so, who? Yeah, just Sara. Who did you last tell to ‘shut up’? Ha, I think my WoW friend Lyndsey, but only playfully, of course. We pick fun at each other all the time. Would you ever get a tattoo of a boyfriend/girlfriend's name? NOOOOOOOOO. Are you one of those girls who already have baby names picked out? I know what I'd name my kids IF I actually wanted any, yeah, but I don't. Do you think guys with long hair are attractive? Yessss, I love long hair on guys. Are any of your siblings taller than you? I think Ashley is a liiiiil bit taller? I know my brother is, for sure. Have you ever scared someone so badly that they cried? Yikes, no. When was the last time you wore high heels? Boy oh boy, no idea. Is there someone that you want to hurt right now? Jeez, no thanks. What was the most interesting or colorful birthday cake you’ve had? I don't remember, but I'm sure something from childhood. What was the last thing someone bought you? Was it expensive? Mom bought me food from McD's, which obviously isn't expensive. Do you have any interesting moles anywhere you don’t want people to know of? No. Have you ever gotten high or drunk in a really formal place? Strong "no" there. Do you ever write poetry and post it on any certain websites? On the very rare occasion I write poetry and actually like it, I'll sometimes post it on dA. What do you miss most about your childhood? Actually, genuinely having fun and not dealing with fucking anhedonia. Would you like to know the precise date of your future death? Hell no. Do you photograph well? I'd like to hope so. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? Maggots and similar bug larvae. What super power would you refuse, if it was offered to you, and why? Mind reading. It just sounds... awful and overwhelming. What’s your favorite discontinued product that you wish would come back? Oh, I KNOW I have answers to this, just none are coming to me immediately and I don't feel like sitting here for five minutes thinking about it. If adults had show and tell, what would you bring into work? My snek! :') If you had a reset button for the last 10 years, would you press it? Tempting, but... I don't think I would. I cannot go through how deep my depression was again. Who is someone you would never swear in front of? My nieces and nephew. Yes, I don't believe in profanity being a "thing" and is just a stupid human fabrication, but nevertheless I acknowledge societal standards and expectations, and they're way too young to get when you shouldn't say something like that and why. Have you ever won a contest or competition? A few. Who is your favorite TV character? I don't think I really have one? Do you coo over other people’s babies? Not really, no. Sometimes I'll think they're super cute and be like "awww," but I don't like... squeal and spaz like some people do. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? Steve Irwin got me deeper than anyone else. Chester Bennington hit real hard, too. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? Most of my closest ones, yes, at least via Facebook. What’s a movie that you want to see? Old movie, but Jacob's Ladder. It was a massive influence on Silent Hill, so naturally, I'll probably love it. It's a classic, anyway. Do you use the same username everywhere online or do you have a lot? I use "Ozzkat" in most places, but I do have some other ones for different sites. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? My friend Ana recently revealed she's expecting her second child, a boy. What fad were you actually into? I have zero clue. Have you ever tailgated? Would you want to? Fuck no. That's how so many wrecks happen. My sister legit got in a wreck with an 18-wheeler mostly because she was tailgating (which she does BADLY); she was trying to pass, and he moved over at the same time because he couldn't see her coming around. It's a borderline miracle she got out with only some cuts, bruises, and a seatbelt burn. Have patience, people. Get off cars' asses. Why did you fall for the last person romantically? Look, don't get me started on this. There are a shitload of reasons and I have been way too emotional over this the past few days laksdfja;lwke What’s the last thing you had to eat? A bagel w/ cream cheese for breakfast. Do you ever pick up your house phone? We don't have a landline phone. Truth be told, are you more into looks or personalities the most? Personalities, for sure. I cannot be into you if your personality isn't attractive.

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 43)

"Brunch W. Friends"

@lovemythsworld

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

Brushing her teeth, Luna begins to spaz. "LISTEN." She says turning to Colson, who's doing the same in the other sink. "This isn't Pete's coming out party. This is you meeting all of my friends with Kate as a buffer." She says after spitting. She continues brushing her teeth aggressively. "As stupid and fucked up as that sounds." She spits again. Rinsing her mouth.

"What do you mean?" Colson asks her with a side eye.

"I don't fucking know.... Have you met any of them?" She asks.

"I don't know who any of them are." He tells her, finishing up in his sink.

"Exactly." She sighs. Explaining more as they get dressed.

--------------------------------------------------

Dressed in a short, white lace dress, with over the knee boots and her leather, Luna grabs Colson's hand as they approach PS 450. She looks up at him with loving, hopeful eyes before sighing "Here we go.."

Pete's the first to see them, standing up. "Buddddiesss!!" He calls out. Both of them instantly feeling more secure with his welcome. Luna and Colson are the last to arrive, everyone standing to greet them warmly as Luna introduces Colson. Along with Pete and Kate, are James and Mack, Mel, Izak and a stand-offish Tim. He's Justin's bestfriend.

Luna orders a Bloody off that bat. It's attached to a little cheeseburger, the server informs her to her delight. The table laughs, knowing of her love of beef and cheese. She's quick to request her drink before her treat.

James starts chatting up Colson as Luna talks to Pete and Kate. She's funny and quick. Two qualities Luna greatly appreciates. They're sweet together, she decides.

Food, mimosas, bloodies and laughter are flowing. Colson eases right in with Mack and Izak over comic book debates. He slides his arm around Luna as she kisses him on the cheek.

"So, THIS is your fucking THING now." Tim speaks for almost the first time during the meal. He's spitting his words directly at Luna.

"TIM!!" Melanie hisses.

"What?" He cocks back "She sold their fucking apartment, dipped for fucking LaLa Land, went Fucking mainstream, is on Page fucking Six, then pops in with some Duuude for BRUNCH and we're not supposed to say shit!?! He pushes back from the table angrily.

Luna's speechless. Tears welling in her eyes. Trying to stop her chest from exploding.

Mackenzie props her elbows on the table, loudly. Looking directly at Tim. "If THIS was 2yrs ago, you MIGHT have had a point. But it's not." Staring daggers into Tim "BECAUSE it's been almost THREE years since OUR friend CHOOSE to leave. Luna didn't fucking take him, but Lord knows she's been gone like he FUCKING TOOK HER WITH HIM." Mackenzie explodes, pounding her fist on the table. Their party is quiet. James puts his arm around her to comfort her. She shakes him off. "We almost lost them BOTH and you're mad because SHE'S living!" Mack shoves her chair away from the table hard. Stomping out of the resturant.

James goes to follow her but Luna grabs his hand. She gives him a reassuring nod, shoots Tim a Look and kisses Colson before going to find her friend.

"WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?" She hears Pete say behind her.

--------------------------------------------------

Lighting a Newport, Luna says to Mackenzie "You know the only good thing about the South and MidWest... You can still fucking smoke inside." Mack laughs as she puffs on her Camel. "Thank you." Luna says lightly.

"Fuck him." Mack explodes again. "What the fuck does he want you to do? Play Old Maid? FUCK. It'll be 3 fucking years."

Luna's silent.

"I'm sorry." Mack reaches for Luna as she sees the tears drop.

Buried in Mackenzie shoulder she cries how 3 years feels like nothing, yet a whole lifetime. How she loves Colson but hates herself sometimes for it.

"Stop." Mackenzie says firmly, pulling Luna out of her. "You're not doing ANYTHING wrong. FUCK. I'm glad you went to Ash's. You NEEDED to sell that apartment, Loons. You couldn't even sleep in your own fucking bed. I've never said this before, but I'm fucking pissed at him. I get he had his demons, but he did NOT need to leave them the fuck with you. Especially in your bedroom."

Luna buries her face back into Mackenzie's shoulder, crying harder. Finally catching herself, she pulls back. Taking a drag off of her Newport to steady herself still. "How fucked up do I look?" She asks with a light hearted laugh.

"Not bad enough for me to not hate your fucking gorgeous ass, Bitch." They both laugh as Mack wipes her cheeks. Luna is loyal to waterproof mascara. They hug, finishing their cigarettes and sparking another because you can't Fucking smoke inside.

--------------------------------------------------

Once Luna is out of ear shot of the table, and Pete said his peace, Colson looks at Tim. "Yo. You got a fucking problem?" He asks him directly. Tim mutters something as Pete looks worried. "Nah Dawg, speak the fuck up." Colson glances at Pete and James. "I ain't here to start no shit, Homie, but if you got a problem with me and Luna. Speak on that shit." He props his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his fists.

"Fuck youuuuuuu, DUDE. You think you can just waltz in here. Be with her and replace him? FUCK THAT." Tim shoves back further from the table in disgust.

"I ain't trying to replace nobody, Dawg. Luna loves him and always will. I know that. I'm just lucky enough for her to be able to love me too." Colson shrugs "Real recognize Real. And if you were truly her friend, you'd know that." He finishes before sipping his Irish coffee, leaving the table silent.

--------------------------------------------------

"I JUST WANNA SPREAD MY CANCER THROUGH OUT THE WORLD!!!" Luna shouts, re-entering PS, giggling with Mackenzie about her nicotine addiction. Their table is quiet. "Oh... You fucking Assholes." She laughs, climbing into Colson's lap. The Bloodies have caught up and she's early day drunk. Looking directly at Tim, she says unflinching "Get over it." with a shrug. She then turns to Pete asking "WHAT do I gotta do to get Nightmare on SNL?"

"ACTUALLY...." He begins.

Just as Luna hears Tim mumble "Fucking sell out."

Standing up to have reach. Luna shoots out one cool, forceful palm to his forehead knocks him back out of his chair. She slides away Colson, to walk around and help him up.

"Ya fucking done?" She asks sternly to his retreat.

Brunch doesn't last much longer. Everyone is irritated and ready to go. The bill is paid. Hugs and kisses are exchanged. Nothing but a single look between Luna and Tim.

--------------------------------------------------

"Dude's cool." James decides on Colson after his statement about Luna and Justin. "That's big. Some shit I can respect." He's content on his friend's choice.

"Fucking TIM." Mack is still annoyed. "He's such a fucking Asshole. If she wants this, she should fucking have it." She thinks to her self, on full defense of Luna

"I don't know what they expected. Of course he's gonna be salty." Izak thinks to himself of him, Justin, Tim and Luna. Knowing all 3 of them before anyone. "I hope she's fucking happy at least....." He trails off thinking of their friendship over the years.

"He's such a cocksmoker." Mel thinks to herself annoyed at Tim's behavior during Brunch. "Couldn't even hold it together for one fucking meal."

"Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck THEM." Tim thinks dropping onto his bed. "He should fucking be here." He angrily curls himself into a ball.

"HOLY FUCK!!!! It was not supposed to go like that! I knew Tim was gonna be an ass but he's lucky Loons only bopped him and Kells didn't lay him the fuck out." Pete thinks looking out the cab window as he reaches for Kate's hand.

--------------------------------------------------

Luna shot Pete a text before boarding apologizing for ruining brunch. She also hit James, Mack, Izak and Mel. Fuck Tim. For now. She'll deal with him. She eventually receives no worries texts from all.

Turning to Colson in her seat, she kisses him on the neck "I'm sorry." She purrs into his ear.

Looking at her with a wicked eye, he responds with "Show me."

Accepting his dare, Luna slips out of her seat walking towards the bathroom. A few moments later Colson follows her.

--------------------------------------------------

She's sitting on the airplane sink when he enters the bathroom. Still in the short white dress, both day drunk, he's been waiting to fuck her all day. He pulls her willing body into him by her neck. She slides into him easily, wrapping her legs around him. They kiss passionately as his hands roam her body. Pushing him off of her, she hops down. Bending over the sink, brushing her ass against him as she pulls her black thong down.

With his dick throbbing for her ass in the air, he pulls her close. Carefully sliding himself in her to keep her quiet. Her pussy is tight and warm around his cock. He can't help but pump into her hard and quick. He's horny, drunk and been staring at her ass in that dress all day. As a moan escapes from her mouth, he clamps his hand on it to quiet her. This only excites her more. Eyes meeting in the mirror, she bucks against him hard. Biting his hand, they fuck each other fast and hard. Giggling as they try to be quiet as they cum together.

-------------------------------------------------

She had slipped outta the bathroom first. Him following behind her shortly after. Back in their seats, she looks at him. "Mile High Club." She grins as he high fives her laughing. Kissing each other, they settle into their seats, holding hands.

"No wonder everyone wants to fuck her. She's fucking amazing." His mind slides over their weeks together. Dick growing hard again. His mind drifts back to Brunch "I know Justin was his bestfriend but that dude was a fucking douche though...."

*********************************************

"UGGHHH. Today was so fucking embarrassing. I swear. I. Hate. Fucking. Dudes...... Except Bunny. Although he can be a fucking Dick" She smiles nuzzling into him. "A Big Dick." She thinks, touching the tiny padlock around her neck.

-------------------------------------------------

To be continued.......

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

The Four Times John Had Something to Say but Couldn’t Find His Own Words

I decided to give myself a prompt because I can!! >:) So here’s a Joger fic with a disney scripting Deacy. In order, Kiss the Girl - Little Mermaid, Reflection - Mulan, Baby Mine - Dumbo, and A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Cinderella 

There were hundreds of stars in the sky right now. Maybe millions. Tiny specs of light peeking through the veil of navy space. Twinkling and shuddering, fading and glowing. 

It was a sight John could drink in forever. A view that sent his mind wandering, a little traveler through plumes of dust and horizons on black holes. Gorgeous. Simply so.

And what made it better was that Roger was next to him, taking in the majesty of the heavens alongside him. Splayed on on the roof of John’s house, cuddled together under the blanket of light, they laid there, watching, never saying much. 

John pointed at a star that shone red, perhaps a planet that Brian said were sometimes visible throughout the year, although he couldn’t be sure. He looked over at Roger to see if his boyfriend was seeing what he was, but he was met with a pair of piercing blue eyes watching him intently.

A blush rose in his cheeks, wondering how long Roger had been oogling at him. He bit his lip, staring back, hoping he could make Roger feel as giddy with his eyes as Roger had made him feel with his.

There those two lovestruck guys were, on a roof, bathed in moonlight, wind blowing through their hair. Perfect for a kiss, right? At least John thought so. And maybe Roger did too, but he seemed hesitant, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. 

“Look at the boy too shy. He ain’t gonna kiss the girl. Ain’t that sad? Ain’t it shame? Too bad you gonna miss the girl.” John sang softly, a small smile on his mouth. One grew on Roger’s too, the oh so familiar Disney song being sung to him by an impatient John. 

“Oh you,” Roger pretended to grip before he leaned over, holding onto John’s chin with his thumb and forefinger, pulling him into a kiss.

John made happy noises, his eye crinkles coming out.

♚

John looked down at his hands. They were quite big for his arms and the finger tips calloused from thick bass strings. 

He knew these hands very well. He saw them everyday and used them to make music with his friends. 

He looked down at his feet, only clad in some ratty socks. They were actually small for someone of his stature, but nonetheless his.

He wriggled his toes. Rolled onto the balls of his feet and back. These were the feet that carried him everywhere. Fun places like Japan and scary places like doctors offices. 

Then he looked straight ahead at the mirror he’d been avoiding in his bathroom. 

There was a face before him that mimicked his every move, but it didn’t feel like him. Sleepy steel grey eyes blinked and pouty lips moved but he didn’t think it was him. 

He touched one of the moles on his face and his reflection touched it too. He tossed his wavy hair over his shoulder and the mirror copied. 

He didn’t like it. It didn’t make sense. 

He touched his chest, his ribs poked out. John lived there, he’d say if asked. In his heart. Every experience and laugh and cry came from there. Not..that.

He touched the glass where his face was, not recognizing the stranger before him.

That wasn’t him.

Never felt like him.

And to think that’s all the world ever saw and digest. That person in the mirror. That vessel he had limited control of.

He didn’t like it.

“Why is my reflection someone I dont know. Some how I can not hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?” he whispered to himself, his finger pads tracing his chin on the mirror.

He didn’t leave his bathroom that night.

♚

The front of Roger’s shirt was soaked. Not from a spilled drink or sudden rain, but from how hard and long he’d been crying. 

John came home, the first sound he was greeted with being throat splitting cries. He knew it was Roger because Roger never did anything halfway. If he was going to cry, it was going to be loud and ugly. 

Panic set into his bones, throwing everything he had in his arms onto the floor and running into their shared room. 

Roger was on the bed, sitting at an edge, feet tucked under himself, arms wrapped around his middle. His whole face was red and splotchy, especially his eyes which when they peered up to look at John, shattered his heart.

John rushed in, picking up the broken Roger in his arms and holding him close. He wasn’t very fond of touch most times, but it wasn’t about him right now. 

Roger’s head fell into the crook of his neck, his fiery hot cheeks and warm tears pressing against his skin uncomfortably. His ear splitting sobs dampened into sniffles and hiccups, his whole frame still shaking. 

“What happened?” John asked, knowing that people usually cried for reasons. Roger was probably upset over something. 

Roger licked his salty lips, making himself as tiny as possible on John’s lap, pressing into John’s flesh with everything he had. As if he wanted to disappear into his boyfriend, the only safe place he knew in this world. John continued to hold him steadfast, patient in waiting for an answer.

“Was s-stimming in a cafe. Too loud maybe. Owner c-called me a spaz. Got kicked out,” Roger stuttered out, voice shaking harder than he was.

John nodded, his stomach feeling heavy. He knew that all to well. 

And there was so much he wanted to tell Roger. Every positive thing he could muster. But his brain was a little frazzled from all of this. He settled for something easily digestible and something that would be what Roger needed to hear.

“All those same people who scold you,what they'd give just for the right to hold you. From your head to your toes you're so sweet, goodness knows. You are so precious to me. Sweet as can be, baby of mine,” he cooed barely above a whisper into Roger’s ear, rocking them both gently, the bed creaking with every move.

“Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart. Never to part, baby of mine,”

“Don't you mind what they say. Let those eyes sparkle and shine. Never a tear, baby of mine,”

“Baby mine, Baby mine,”

♚

John was idly plucking at his bass, listening to the cacophony around him. Brian was tuning his guitar, Roger smashing at the cymbals and Freddie yelling (his way of warming up, or so he says).

He looked up from the shiny black paint of his bass, eyes scanning the room, staring intently at every familiar face before moving on to the next one, the feeling of sunshines growing in his chest. 

John never really had friends. In school, he was always alone, not by choice but by forced exclusion from his peers. He was weird and awkward and that was enough for everyone to avoid him like the plague for those 16 years.

The thing was, he really wanted friends. He wanted what he saw all around him. Hand holding and whispering and giggling and playing tag and shared looks and- all of it. He craved it so badly. But it was never allowed to him. 

Instead he was forced to watch from the sidelines, having only himself to confide in.

Those were miserable years. A dark time in his life he didn’t like to think of.

University wasn’t all that different, but at least the bullying and teasing stopped.

But it wasn’t until the package of Queen fell into his life that his days began to look more yellow, more happy.

He found a group of friends that he finally belonged to. Friends that loved him for who he was, never asking him to change, never ashamed of how he acted and talked.

He had friends to tell secrets to and share stories with. He had a group of friends just like the ones in his day and night dreams. The kind of friends he spent years praying would find him. 

And they were right there, right now, fiddling around, content in his presence just as much as he was theirs. 

Freddie, his protector, was plugging in his mic, tapping the head of it to see if it all worked. His eyes connected with John, flashing him a sweet toothy grin before continuing with whatever he was doing.

Brian, his older brother, was strumming Red Special, head leaning down to get a better listen of the finally tuned strings. He caught John staring and laughed quietly, head shaking. 

And Roger, his friend turned lover, was inspecting a drumstick for cracks or splinters when he felt a pair of eyes on him. He looked up and immediately his shoulders straightened, a obnoxious and goofy smile spreading on his lips. 

People say dreams are childish and never come true but John wasn’t sure of that anymore.

“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true,” John said with a lilt in his voice, as if he couldn’t decide between speaking or singing what he felt.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to listen, knowing John was communicating and not just singing for fun. 

Every expression softened, a pink dusting over Roger’s cheeks. 

“Are you happy, darling?” Freddie asked, a smile in his voice.

John nodded, continuing, feeling sparklers in his tummy when Freddie joined him.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep,”

[dp-pastandpresent]

Past and Present: Chapter 13

After the conversation had ended, both Danny and Sarah had searched the house for Sam to no avail.

While Danny seemed very worried, Sarah knew her granddaughter well and assured him she'd be back soon; she just needed time to cool off and think.

And as much as he wanted to search for her, he had his own issues to figure out.

From what Clockwork had explained the day of his resurrection, he knew that memories would slowly come back the more he stayed in Amity Park, but he'd never expected the sudden burst of his past like that of what he had received today.

'Even when I discovered my name, the memories didn't come back that quickly. Is this what the dragon-girl meant about being of both realms? Is there something in me that's pulling back these memories?'

'These memories, they're messing me up. Making me flicker, fall, feel warm. Something is going on here that Clockwork failed to explain…'

Clockwork. Was it possible that Clockwork was the one sharing these memories with him? Making him remember? After all, when Danny was resurrected, Clockwork had hinted that there was more to the story.

'Did he ever mention a prophecy? I can't even remember now…'

He had tried to get the details of his most recent ghost battle out of his head, but there was something about her prophecy, the way she said, "lives on both realms," that made Danny believe it was about more than just his choice to live in the human world.

'Could I possibly still have some humanity? Even just a trace? I've yet to meet any other ghost who has memories and emotions like I do…'

That wasn't saying much, as he had only starting battling ghosts out here recently and hadn't been given a chance to meet any in the zone. But still, all the ghosts he had met attacked first and asked questions never.

'Why me? Why was I the one who was resurrected? Why not pick a ghost with no history in this stupid town? No chance at making mistakes. No chance at falling in love…'

LOVE.

What a powerful combination of letters, once used to describe the way he felt as a human, now used to describe the way he felt as a ghost. Somehow, love always had a way of messing him up.

While exploring all of these thoughts, Danny had been flying over the town, checking all the places they had visited on their recent dates, and even some they hadn't. But Sam was making herself harder to find than even himself when he went invisible.

'Sam. I really hope you didn't do something stupid tonight. If you ever let the truth about my past affect our future, I don't know what I'd do. I can't lose someone again, not this way…'

Although it was true that he had once had feelings for Sarah Manson, that was 50 years ago, when they were BOTH teenagers. Now here he was, stuck in his teenage form, while she was in her late 60's. There was no way that could work, and frankly, Danny didn't want it to. Whether it was some form of humanity in him, or just ghostly emotions playing tricks, he knew what he wanted.

And what he wanted was Sam.

--

It was getting late, and despite her rebellious side when it came to her home life, Sam still felt like she was doing something wrong. But she didn't want to go home – her parents were away on business and the last person she wanted to see was her grandmother.

Everywhere in town reminded her of him and the fun they had had in the past few weeks. Dates, explorations, even just random walks, all seemed like a total lie now.

'He let you think he cared about you. He made you feel special. And the whole time he was hiding the truth, hiding himself!'

Sam knew that Danny hadn't always remembered the truth about his past; and she had always given him the benefit of the doubt when he said memories just sort of appeared. But she also knew that memories as big as his former relationship with her grandmother had to have arrived before today, and was certain that she had helped bring them back.

'I did always take pride in getting my looks from Grandma…'

Sam didn't want to blame her grandma, honest and truly she knew that it wasn't her fault, but she also didn't believe that her grandma wasn't hiding more from her in regards to her past and the memories of what once was.

'She moved on, met my grandpa and had my dad. But now that I think about it, she never really wanted to talk about her childhood, or college years, or really anything before I was born.''

Her head hurt from all the thinking. She needed somewhere to go, something to do to get her mind onto anything else.

Her mind wandered back to the school, specifically the roof, and what she had almost done that night. Why not go back? Try again, and maybe succeed this time.

'Not like I have much going for me here…' she found herself thinking glumly as instinct led her to the gym.

'He's not around. He won't stop you this time. Just go up, take a breath and step…'

She stopped at the corner, looking both ways and thinking. To her right, the school and her possible fate. The left? Well the left was another familiar place, and possibly a different chance to escape for awhile.

She pulled out her cellphone, hit the speed dial for 3, and smiled when the call went through.

"Hey Tuck, you busy? Mind if I come over and hang out?

--

"Give it up Tucker, I beat you AGAIN!"

Sam and Tucker were sitting in the basement of Tucker's condo, playing Mario Kart and drinking diet soda. While Tucker had ample opportunities to practice, it being his game, somehow Sam had managed to beat him in every race.

And you could tell by the look on Tucker's face that he was not happy.

"Geeze Sam, cut a dude a break sometimes ok?"

"Never! I will forever be the queen of Rainbow Road!"

Tucker just rolled his eyes before grabbing the remote and flipping off the TV.

"What?! No! I was just warming up!" Sam cried, looking over at her friend in despair.

"Sam, something is up," Tucker began, a look of worry entering his face. "You only play this good when you need to forget about life for awhile, and given that it's close to 1AM, you must have a lot to forget."

The girl next to him crossed her arms and turned away, trying not to act like a complete baby, but knowing that Tucker would eventually wear her down and get the truth.

'But what if he can't handle the truth? What I almost did. What I want to do.'

Tucker had always been a good friend to her, even when she was a total spaz. Maybe that's why she had decided to turn left instead of right earlier.

But despite it all, she could never admit to him what she had been wanting to do for quite some time.

His voice broke her silence.

"Sam… Is it Phantom?"

Hearing his ghostly name struck a cord, and Sam slowly turned around.

She didn't know what to say, not really. Again Tucker was right, but again she couldn't admit it.

"His name is Danny, by the way…" she began, saying the only thing that made sense.

Tucker's eyebrows raised a bit at that name, as if maybe he knew something.

"Danny… Why does that seem so familiar?"

"I've used it before…" Sam began raising hers back.

"I know, I know, but for some reason it really strikes a chord today." 'Who's mental now?'

"But seriously Sam, please, as your friend, tell me what is going on." Tucker reached his hand over to Sam's shoulder, pulling her into him.

"It's complicated, really complicated…" Sam sighed.

'How do I explain to my best friend that my boyfriend used to date my grandmother?'

"You know me, I live for complicated," Tucker smiled.

"It's just… it turns out that he had a life… back then…"

'That seems safe…'

"Well of course he did, he wasn't always a ghost!"

"But that's the thing. Some of the research I've been doing says that some ghosts really are just forms of ectoplasm, not spirits of those past. While others are from our past, but always seem to have an evil motive. No one on record has ever experienced a ghost as human as Danny."

"Woah, Sam, when have you had time for research?"

"Tuck, I do more than you think."

'I hang out in goop covered labs. I contemplate stepping off roofs. I make out with ghosts…'

Trying to forget the last one, she let out a soft laugh, knowing that Tucker spent most of his time researching the latest gadgets.

"But we always knew he had a past Sam, so why should that matter now?" Tucker continued.

"Like I said, it's complicated. But trust me when I say that me and Danny are done for a bit." She turned away again, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

She had yet to admit out loud that maybe she and Danny were really DONE. While she knew it was rough, it was a hard thing to just give up. But telling Tucker made it real.

"Danny… Wait! I remember now!" Tucker interrupted the silence after a few minutes.

"Hmmm?" Sam said, turning around and wiping her tears.

"Remember when Lancer gave that stupid report on family history, I was at the cemetery looking up old Foleys. Somehow I got lost and found myself in Fe's and not Fo's. Normally I wouldn't care, but there was one that stood out to me, surrounded by irises like someone had just left them."

Sam swallowed a breath, knowing what was coming.

"The name said Danny Fenton," Tucker finished.

--

When Danny felt down, he retreated to one of two places.

Seeing as one was the sight of their first date, he had chosen the second today and found himself hovering silently in the Fenton lab.

'Wish that damn portal would open…' he thought as he stared at the yellow and black bars until they made him dizzy.

The Fentons weren't around right now, the house was silent, which meant that he didn't have to stay invisible as he wandered around the lab.

Having discovered his magic soup/ghost holder here before, he had hoped maybe there would be something else waiting for him today. And as the Fentons had become rather predictable, his hopes were correct.

Laying on one of the tables was what looked like an open triangle, made of steel and containing glowing green sensors. Danny knew he should remember the proper name for such an object, but his memory was failing him at that moment.

Either way, he had to investigate, and slowly floated over to pick it up.

The device itself was rather light, and it looked like it had some sort of air powered jets on the back. What for, he wasn't sure, but he was both scared and curious to find out.

Moving it around in his hands, he couldn't find any sort of activation switch, only lots of lights and sensors, a few of which glowed slightly when he touched it.

The glowing was enough to scare him off; the fear of some sort of alarm or ecto-activated weapon was far greater than his curiosity about the object.

'File this under: Don't touch,' He thought as he quickly put the item down and moved away from the table.

However, his business wasn't done and he now knew that curiosity had been known to get the better of him in his former life. So much so that he was now in front of the computer, trying to figure out just what the heck the point was.

As if answering his internal questions, the screen suddenly buzzed on, showing an alert.

5PM. Deliver flowers to cemetery. DO NOT FORGET.

Danny just stared at it, wondering what it meant before it went blank. Seeing as it was much later than five, he assumed that the Fentons had either forgotten to turn off the memo or forgotten to visit the cemetery.

'Technology. What else can you do?' he asked himself as he stared at the now black screen, his green eyes reflecting back.

'Maybe it can provide me with answers…' His hand reached for the little device he had seen Jack use before to navigate the computer.

The screen sprang to life, taking him directly to a long list of what he assumed must be locations of things on the computer. Using the device to move a small white arrow, he let his eyes wander as he read off the list.

"Portal X. Doom. Candy Crush? What kind of crazy stuff are you doing down here Jack?"

He kept reading, hoping for something useful, all the while a little red dot in the corner blinking with the reminder he had seen before.

He was about to give up when he discovered an picture that looked like a file folder labeled, "Family Photos."

'What, no more physical albums?'

He had a feeling he knew what he'd find when he clicked the folder, and his instincts were right. The first thing to pop up was the image he had seen before – him and Jazz – but given the time to truly look at it, he realized just how much he had missed his sister.

She had always been his rock, even more so than Sarah. Constantly standing up for him, keeping him safe from harm.

And how had he returned the favor? By dying.

He couldn't stand it, and quickly hit the small white arrow he assumed to be the "next" symbol. A new photo appeared, this time of his whole family.

"Mom. Dad…"

He hit the arrow again, unable to take it as he found himself immersed in even more old photos.

"Just look away Fenton, remember, you can always look away…"

But he really couldn't. As much as it hurt, he needed to see these things to remind himself of what he had lost.

The last photo was what did it, causing him to step back and turn away, a small tear in his eye.

The photo showed two young friends, one a messy haired boy, the other a wide eyed girl. Even in black and white, he knew those eyes were violet. They couldn't be more than ten, and they were together in the sandbox, working on an elaborate castle. The caption at the top said nothing more than "Danny and childhood friend."

"Childhood friend? That's it? No 'Sarah' or 'Girlfriend'?"

Things began to click as he thought about it. The Fentons, to his knowledge, had never actually mentioned Sarah. And if they knew who she was, he was sure they would have been all over her for answers.

'They really don't know. Did Jazz ever even mention the relationship I had with Sarah'

He found the X in the corner and quickly clicked it, wanting to put that part of his life behind. It had been a long day, what with Sarah and Sam and everything that had been discovered, and honestly he was ready to forget it all over again.

However, the one thing—erm person, who could make him do that was currently the reason he needed to forget.

He took one last look at the strange computer, watching the screen slowly fade back to black. Could he really live in this world? One where memories were stored on devices and music was full of angst?

The black screen continued to reflect his green eyes, but he could have sworn, if even for a second, he had seen a hint of blue.

[teenwolimagines]

A/N: It took me SOOO long to write this, not because it was long, but because I just couldn’t get it to be as great as I wanted it to be. I would write, reach a block, get a headache, stop writing and wait a day and go back to it and repeat. Finally it’s done, I’ve given it my all and I hope you all like it.

After everything that had happened with the Dread Doctors and Chimeras Stiles thought everything would be fine.

That he and Scott were as should be, best friends, hell brothers.

That he was forgiven.

Theo was gone, Beacon Hills was safe again, but Stiles knew.

Scott hadn’t forgiven him at all, not really. Despite his apology and all that pack building bull shit Scott still blamed him for killing Donovan.

Wouldn’t look him in the eyes, stared at his hands, like they were blood covered.

Bit by bit Scott was pushing Stiles out of his life.

Phone calls went from few to none, hangouts became hallway chats, and hallway chats became wordless waves on the way to class.

In two short weeks Stiles had quit the lacrosse, changed his class schedule and moved lockers.

He did all of this without speaking a word to Scott, there was a part of him that hoped his drastic measures would push Scott to reach out to him, but no such luck.

The first week of solitude, as Stiles called it in his mind, was spent sulking and blaming himself.

A few dead deer carcasses came the second week.

When Stiles found out the first thing he wanted to do was call Scott and figure what this big bad was and defeat it with his true alpha best friend.

His thumb froze over the call button when he realized that Scott probably wouldn’t answer his phone call anyway.

He couldn’t call Scott, because Scott wanted nothing to do with him, but someone needed to stop whatever was in town.

Stiles sat down his phone and opened his laptop and started his usual research.

A troll was what his research lead him to, because apparently those were real.

They were also very dangerous.

Sure they usually kept to themselves, solitary creatures that stayed in the forests and migrated every now and then. They usually eat what they find in the woods, but they had a sweet tooth for human flesh.

The deer were being found pretty close to town, meaning it would only be a matter of time before some unfortunate soul crossed paths with the troll.

From all his research Stiles could tell there was no reasoning with a troll, no they were a very savage race.

‘Scott would get himself killed trying to talk to this thing.’ Stiles sighed as he rubbed his face tiredly.

The next day Stiles had reached out to Argent and legally bought a gun, being sure to ask Argent not to tell Allison.

‘I know that me and you aren’t close, but if you don’t mind me asking. What are you planning to do with that?’ Chris asked as Stiles put away his new gun.

‘Pest control.’ Stiles answered quickly.

‘That’s my job, last time I checked.’

‘Not anymore, you’ve done enough, given enough. I’m sorry that I called you back here for this.’ Stiles apologized as he left the motel room they had met in.

This job was for him.

Scott was too good, too pure to kill anything. Stiles didn’t want to put Scott in a position where he would have to kill.

So Stiles crept threw the woods and clumsily managed to kill the troll and move it deeper into the woods were it could dissolve the natural way fr away from town.

The next week Stiles had limped past Scott, with a black eye and a sprained wrist.

Scott hadn’t asked him what had happened, hadn’t even waved that time.

That was the first time it had happened, the first time he had to protect Beacon Hills by himself.

Since then whenever something posed a threat to the town he handled it without any help. His friends didn’t trust him, but still he wanted to protect them.

Stiles had stopped caring about himself.

His grades slipped, he stopped shaving, stopped sleeping, stopped eating right and stopped talking to people. Even his dad could rarely get more than a sentence from him.

‘Stiles wished he could open up to his dad, but his dad would just tell him to stop. Let the police handle it or at least ask for some help.

So Stiles just kept going on, killing what needed to be killed and letting what needed to be let go walk free.

One night after a particularly rough round with a wendigo Stiles was far too bloody to just walk past his dad.

He needed to crash somewhere and take care of his of his dislocated shoulder and the partial bites on his left arm and on his neck.

Where?

Not Scott’s house that’s for damn sure.

Stiles looked around and saw that he was only a few minutes away from Derek’s loft.

Derek still owned the building, and Stiles remembered that Derek kept the spare key in the plant outside his door.

From that day on the loft had become Stiles’ Bat Cave, he fixed himself up there, did his research, worked out and sometimes he passed out there.

In this exact moment, Stiles was cleaning his gun when he heard it.

The loft door...opening.

He quickly sat aside his gun pieces and picked up one of his throwing knives.

'What the hell?’

Wait a minute, Stiles knew that voice.

‘Derek?’ Stiles asked as he came down the stairs.

‘Stiles? What the hell did you do to my loft?’ Derek asked looking at the bloody rags on the table, the bullet holes in the walls and the suitcase full of guns that was next to the stair case.

‘I didn’t think you were coming back and I needed the space.’ Stiles shrugged.

Something was off with him, Stiles had a hardness in his eyes that Derek had never seen before.

‘That doesn’t explain what the hell happened in here.’ Derek said, holding back on what he really wanted to ask.

What had happened to Stiles?

‘I usually just use the space for research and a place to patch myself up, but every now and then I try out a new gun.’ Stiles shrugged as he threw away the bloody rags.

‘Patching yourself up? Stiles have you been hunting?’ Derek asked as he watched how Stiles moved.

Gone was the jitters that made him the hyper active spaz that Derek knew him to be. His body moved slow and steady, with a grace that Derek didn’t know he could possess.

‘Of course I have, no one else has the grit to do it, no one else is dirty or grimy enough to do it.’ Stiles sighed as he closed the case full of guns.

He hadn’t looked at Derek or stopped moving since he came down the stairs.

‘Stiles STOP!’  Derek demanded.

Stiles turned and looked at Derek with hard eyes.

‘Fine! I’ll move my stuff and you can have your loft back!’ Stiles shouted in frustration.

‘That’s not why I’m yelling!’ Derek yelled back.

‘Then what is it?! You want me to pay for the wall?!’ 

‘What is wrong with you?!’ Derek screamed.

Stile sucked in a breath, as if that question had knocked the air out of his lungs. No one had asked him that, not once in the months he had been at this suicide mission of protecting this damn.

Stiles sat down on the couch and rubbed his face.

‘I’m tired...of all this.’ Stiles said.

Derek came and sat next to Stiles, to show that he was there to listen.

‘Tired of bending over backwards trying to protect this god forsaken town, because no matter how many things I kill or how many things I let go I’ll never be forgiven. Not by Scott, not by me.’ Stiles sobbed.

Derek bowed his head as he listened, he knew this all too well. He had been in these shoes when his family had died.

The guilt and the need for redemption...the willingness to run yourself into the ground trying to get it.

Derek put his arm around Stiles and pulled him in close, and Stiles let him, burying his face in Derek’s neck.

For about half an hour Stiles cried his heart out, until he was out of tears.

‘Go upstairs, get some sleep, I will clean up down here, and tomorrow we will talk about this.’ Derek said softly.

[dieukyungsoo]

•Click• •Chapter 1• •Pilot• •Group Chat I•

–9:30 pm– /chanyeol_pcy has added kyungsoo93, kim junmyeon., luluhanxi7, not jongdae🌈, and oohsehunnie/ chanyeol_pcy: okay so chanyeol_pcy: these are all the numbers I have chanyeol_pcy: and I want a big gc with everyone in it so add all the numbers you have not jongdae🌈: how did you get my number not jongdae🌈: did daesung sell it out again kim junmyeon.: are you that tall kid from the music department? luluhanxi7: I thought you were in the business department chanyeol_pcy: what my major is is none of your business chanyeol_pcy: just add your fckn numbers kyungsoo93: okay chanyeol i know you have like -5 friends but there’s only six people in this gc chanyeol_pcy: THATS WHY IM TELLING YOU TO ADD PEOPLE YOU FCK kyungsoo93: call me a fck again and ill sue you luluhanxi7: you know how to do that kyungsoo93: yeah I’m a lawyer luluhanxi7: damn I better leave then kyungsoo93:…why… luluhanxi7: I’m wanted under the law oohsehunnie: WAIT LU REALLY kyungsoo93: WHERE THE FCK DID YOU COME FROM luluhanxi93: yeah for being too pretty 😊✨ oohsehunnie: IVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE /kim junmyeon. has added galaxykris🌟/ chanyeol_pcy: 🐸☕️ kyungsoo93: WHOS ALL HERE galaxykris🌟: me apparently galaxykris🌟: wtf is this oohsehunnie: lu i swear on my dead great aunts grave I will kill you dead kim junmyeon.: help galaxykris🌟: are they attacking you kim junmyeon.: no each other galaxykris🌟: hollup im getting popcorn not jongdae🌈: get me some too plz luluhanxi7: :( kim junmyeon.: DONT LEAVE ME kyungsoo93: that’s a threat i can add that your file oohsehunnie: since when do I have a file kyungsoo93: since now chanyeol_pcy: KYUNGSOO STOP BEING ANNOYING NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE LAW not jongdae🌈: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal kyungsoo93: yes it is /chanyeol_pcy has removed kyungsoo93/ chanyeol_pcy: okay that’s bet eyte galaxykris🌟: what not jongdae🌈: dammit it was getting good /chanyeol_pcy has added kyungsoo93/ chanyeol_pcy: SKMEONE REMKVE HIM chanyeol_pcy: HE ATTACD ME kyungsoo93: did not chanyeol_pcy: you threw a tube of toothpaste at me and it cut my cheek and now there’s blood on my phone galaxykris🌟: kinky not jongdae🌈: KYUNGSOO HAS A TOOTHPASTE KINK kim junmyeon.: plz don’t luluhanxi7: im kinkshaming™ oohsehunnie: lu you literally told me you had a nose kink you shouldn’t be talking galaxykris🌟: wait galaxykris🌟: if you’re not jongdae than who are you not jongdae🌈: im minseok /not jongdae🌈 has added not minseok✨/ not jongdae🌈: that’s jongdae not minseok✨: tis i the famous jongdae not minseok✨: wait luhan has a nose kink oohsehunnie: ikr kyungsoo93: wait wtf chanyeol_pcy: a nose kink?? am I reading that right?? /galaxykris🌟 has sent an image/ kim junmyeon.: why must you be like this luluhanxi7: ISTG luluhanxi7: I DONT HAVE A NOSE KINK luluhanxi7: THATS OUT OF CONTEXT luluhanxi7: OH SEHUN I SWEAR TO GOD oohsehunnie: don’t swear to god that’s not nice kyungsoo93: swear to satan he’s better chanyeol_pcy: kyUNGSOo not minseok✨: omg this is a sht ton of tea /not minseok✨ has added zhxngyixingicorn🦄 and baekthosebyuns/ not minseok✨: guys look at this luhan has a nose kink and kyungsoo is a satanist luluhanxi7: I DO NOT baekthosebyuns: holy sheet baekthosebyuns: why am I not surprised ksoo is a satanist tho /zhxngyixingicorn🦄 has added doritao/ zhxngyixingicorn🦄: if I have to read this so do you doritao: one minute I’m reading doritao: HOLY FCK LUHAN HAS A NOSE KINK /doritao has sent an image/ galaxykris🌟: HEY THATS WHAT I DID kim junmyeon.: why do i pretend to tolerate you luluhanxi7: I DONT HAVE A NOSE KINK /not minseok✨ has sent an image/ /not jongdae🌈 has sent an image/ /oohsehunnie has sent an image/ chanyeol_pcy: id send a photo of my nose but i don’t want luhan jacking off to a photo of my nose zhxngyixingicorn🦄: omg im glad I didn’t send one now luluhanxi7: I DONT HAVE A NOSE KINK /galaxykris🌟 has sent an image/ kim junmyeon.: HEY THATS MY NOSE kim junmyeon.: UNSEND THAT THATS VIOLATION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY kyungsoo93: i can fine you for that galaxykris🌟: no you can’t he’s mine kim junmyeon.: oh my god luluhanxi7: kinky not jongdae🌈: that’s gay baekthosebyuns: tone down the gay oml galaxykris🌟: i think I broke junmyeon /galaxykris🌟 has sent an image/ zhxngyixingicorn🦄: oml that’s adorable chanyeol_pcy: HES TRYING TO HIDE HIS FACE BUT I CAN STILL SEE HIM BLUSHING doritao: since when did you have nur jiwoo baekthosebyuns: what doritao: the bear isn’t that seo juhyuns baekthosebyuns: first of all why do you know the bears name baekthosebyuns: second of all why do you know who it belongs to doritao: I’ve had my fair share of girl talk times okay galaxykris🌟: junmyeon says same galaxykris🌟: not really he’s busy making squealing noises into juhyuns pillows but you get the message oohsehunnie: I think we’ve all had girl talk time with juhyun chanyeol_pcy: I haven’t baekthosebyuns: I feel betrayed not jongdae🌈: okay that’s rude galaxykris🌟: don’t take it out on me I’ll add her zhxngyixingicorn🦄: no this is a homo only zone not jongdae🌈: yixing not jongdae🌈: you not jongdae🌈: are not jongdae🌈: bisexual zhxngyixingicorn🦄: oh yeah /kim junmyeon. has added seojuhyunsjh/ baekthosebyuns: my homosexuality feels threatened chanyeol_pcy: not a tru gay then seojuhyunsjh: finally I can see this tea firsthand oohsehunnie: have you been reading all of this seojuhyunsjh: I heard junmyeon squeal so I came into see what these two gay fcks were doing and I’ve been reading from Junmyeon’s phone ever since seojuhyunsjh: also I knew Luhan was into some weird sht luluhanxi7: I. DO. NOT. HAVE. A. NOSE. KINK. seojuhyunsjh: anyways if any of you want girl talk time you know the dorm number seojuhyunsjh: and I’m not making this hetero™ zone chanyeol_pcy: wait ur gay seojuhyunsjh: nah im pan oohsehunnie: omg same kyungsoo93: same here seojuhyunsjh: !! TWINS !! seojuhyunsjh: or should I say triplets kyungsoo93: don’t twin me oohsehunnie: it’s okay juhyun ill be your twin seojuhyunsjh: good I’ve already lost one twin I can’t lose both kyungsoo93: I was never your twin baekthosebyuns: anyways I’m full gay baekthosebyuns: 110% homo not jongdae🌈: im the gayest gay to gay galaxykris🌟: dude you can’t get much gayer than me zhxngyixingicorn🦄: apparently I’m bisexual luluhanxi7: is it like a chinese thing to be bi galaxykris🌟: excuse you chanyeol_pcy: dude im not chinese luluhanxi7: do you hear something zhxngyixingicorn🦄: no do you luluhanxi7: i must be hearing things chanyeol_pcy: btch fck u galaxykris🌟: succ a dck the both of you kim junmyeon.: that’s my job galaxykris🌟: OH MY GOSH baekthosebyuns: THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE not minseok✨: that’s gay not jongdae🌈: wait okay not jongdae🌈: so juhyun, kyungsoo and sehun are pansexual seojuhyunsjh: yes oohsehunnie: that is correct kyungsoo93: uh huh not jongdae🌈: and baekhyun, kris and i are gay baekthosebyuns: you know it galaxykris🌟: fucc yes btch not jongdae🌈: and yixing, chanyeol, and luhan are bisexual zhxngyixingicorn🦄: apparently chanyeol_pcy: raging luluhanxi7: the biest bi not jongdae🌈: we’re having a mini confession period rn so everyone needs to out themselves doritao: im asexual luluhanxi7: lameo luluhanxi7: you never wanna do threesomes with me :( doritao: gee i wonder why oohsehunnie: he’s not here to out himself but jongin is bi baekthosebyuns: who tf is jongin kyungsoo93: JONGIN /oohsehunnie has added jonginini/ kyungsoo93: JONGIN jonginini: KYUNGSOO oohsehunnie: JONGIN jonginini: SEHUN seojuhyunsjh: JONGIN jonginini: HI WHOEVER YOU ARE oohsehunnie: jongin I have an important question for you jonginini: shoot 🔫 jonginini: whoever decided to change the gun emoji to a water gun deserves to be fired baekthosebyuns: ikr doritao: and whoever came up with the idea for the emoji movie chanyeol_pcy: the emoji movie is going to ruin motion pictures for me luluhanxi7: first of all fck u luluhanxi7: second of all who tf calls it a motion picture anymore oohsehunnie: ANYWAYS oohsehunnie: JONGIN jonginini: YEA oohsehunnie: WHATS YOUR SEXUALITY jonginini: WEIRD QUESTION BUT IM BI Y oohsehunnie: BTCH I TOLD YOU kyungsoo93: i never argued with you zhxngyixingicorn🦄: okay but jongdae (the real one) and junmyeon still need to out themselves not minseok✨: im straight and feeling very attacked not jongdae🌈: btch that’s a lie and you know it not minseok✨: sht u right zhxngyixingicorn🦄: so the real jongdae is gay chanyeol_pcy: can the real slim shady plz stand up baekthosebyuns: I will remove you not minseok✨: no im bi chanyeol_pcy: why is there so many of us jonginini: cult cult cult chanyeol_pcy: cult cult cult luluhanxi7: cult cult cult zhxngyixingicorn🦄: why are we chanting cult cult cult kyungsoo93: cult cult cult oohsehunnie: ksoo you’re not bi you can’t chant cult doritao: yet I’m not surprised seojuhyunsjh: you can’t chant cult you didn’t want to be my twin kyungsoo93: i feel threatened /kyungsoo93 sent an image/ chanyeol_pcy: is that a meme chanyeol_pcy: with my face kyungsoo93: maybe not jongdae🌈: OKAY JUNMYEON not jongdae🌈: TIME TO OUT YOURSELF galaxykris🌟: Junmyeon’s not available right nej baekthosebyuns: what not jongdae🌈: that’s no in swedish seojuhyunsjh: Junmyeon started screaming into a pillow and I think he may have cried a bit seojuhyunsjh: and then he had a spaz attack or smth and kicked kris in the nuts seojuhyunsjh: and now he’s crying on the floor and junmyeon is crying because he kicked kris baekthosebyuns: no one cares minseok not minseok✨: *le gasp* how dare you talk to him like that not jongdae🌈: that meme is dead I never want to see you say le gasp again not minseok✨: stfu im defending you baekthosebyuns: anyways seohyun send a photo /seojuhyunsjh has sent an image/ chanyeol_pcy: OH MY GOSH zhxngyixingicorn🦄: is he okay /baekthosebyuns has taken a screenshot/ /oohsehunnie has taken a screenshot/ /doritao has taken a screenshot/ /luluhanxi7 has taken a screenshot/ /not minseok✨ has taken a screenshot/ /not jongdae🌈 has taken a screenshot/ /jonginini has taken a screenshot/ jonginini: idek who they are and this is fckn hilarious /kyungsoo93 has taken a screenshot/ baekthosebyuns: HES IN SI MYCH PWON UTS SO FUNNT /chanyeol_pcy has taken a screenshot/ baekthosebyuns: HES SI WORRIED ABUOUT HIS NUTS doritao: and he claims he’s not gay oohsehunnie: anyways my mom says it’s my bedtime I have to go :( jonginini: since when were you home oohsehunnie: mom came and picked me up yesterday jonginini: I thought you took the train baekthosebyuns: he’s been scared to take the train ever since he watched train to busan jonginini: oh yeah jonginini: anyways good night sehun baekthosebyuns: sleep well sehunnie luluhanxi7: don’t wet the bed oohsehunnie: thanks /oohsehunnie has logged out/ chanyeol_pcy: okay the child is gone not minseok✨: 19+ TIME baekthosebyuns: EXCUSE ME baekthosebyuns: JONGIN IS STILL ONLINE seojuhyunsjh: we’re logging out too I think I may need to call 911 or smth so if you don’t hear from us assume the worst doritao: don’t die /seojuhyunsjh has logged out/ /kim junmyeon. has logged out/ /galaxykris🌟 has logged out/ jonginini: FCK U IM OVER 19 baekthosebyuns: you cried when we watched Star Wars jonginini: PADME FCKN DIED THAT SHTS SAD /jonginini has logged out/ baekthosebyuns: okay now we can talk 19+ doritao: nah I’m gonna go im tired luluhanxi7: if tao goes I go zhxngyixingicorn🦄: DONT LEAVE ME /doritao has logged out/ /zhxngyixingicorn🦄 has logged out/ /luluhanxi7 has logged out/ baekthosebyuns: okay who’s still here kyungsoo93: i unfortunately /not minseok✨ has logged out/ not jongdae🌈: dae is tired so he’s just gonna read from my phone chanyeol_pcy: wth it’s like 11 baekthosebyuns: that’s like normal bedtime for people yeol kyungsoo93: bet you wouldn’t know anything about that yeol chanyeol_pcy: 5am is a perfect bedtime shut up not jongdae🌈: that’s why you’re failing your classes chanyeol_pcy: I didn’t make this to be bullied /chanyeol_pcy has logged out/ baekthosebyuns: wait chanyeol is failing his classes kyungsoo93: almost kyungsoo93: I hear angry screaming kyungsoo93: something shattered kyungsoo93: okay fck he cut himself and that’s a lot of blood kyungsoo93: im taking him to the emergency room /kyungsoo93 has logged out/ not jongdae🌈: wait isn’t Baekhyun a doctor baekthosebyuns: a vagina doctor not jongdae🌈: same thing baekthosebyuns: no they are not /baekthosebyuns has logged out/ not jongdae🌈: all by myself not jongdae🌈: btch I’m here with you -actually jongdae not jongdae🌈: I must be hearing things not jongdae🌈: I’m leaving /not jongdae🌈 has logged out/

[dontfailmenowscience]

Day 3

Day 3 got interesting real fast, the potential to be a candidate in a Clinical Trial of a new drug came to fruition today.....use of it begins tomorrow. My understanding of it is that is better able to counteract the affects of chemotherapy, allowing them to ramp up the “attack mode”, I’m stoked, my Doctor is stoked....the dude was legit grinning that I was accepted, and qualified for the trial. His words “We get to use a drug made in the 21st century...instead of one from 1970!”. I still may end up only using the placebo, but fuck it....my mindset got a further boost and that helps in and of itself.

So I want too skip back a little further than where i left off in the “Day 2″ blog, too what I believe may have been the very start of all of this. A period about two weeks prior too the diagnosis. Don’t worry.....I’ll tie this together soon enough, get one timeline happening, but for now......BAM, three timelines:)

Sooooo, I have had moments, ups n downs over the years....as most people, but one day around two and half weeks ago, I woke up with a feeling of unshakable sadness, it hung around for about 3 hours,, really fucked me up, this is what truly bought on the need to go and see a doctor, I knew something was wrong, thought it might just be a chemical thing in my brain, thought maybe a pill or two might help, felt low as fuck though, barely able too function as a person, still not sure if it was something to do with a form of depression, or what would be the beginnings of Leukemia. It’s too hard to know, a perfect storm is the best way i can explain it, shit was just going wrong left and right, needed dental work doing also(story for another day), felt like the oldest 40yo in existence....falling to pieces

So I reached out, some of you may remember me posting of FB about reaching out if you are struggling with anything and I’d be there for you, BAM tables turned. i was the one who needed help, literally days after i had posted that, where did I turn? To a social worker, not a friend or relative, but a random social worker......poured my heart out really, super understanding chick, I fuckin cried, I laughed, we made jokes about random shit......I laid myself bare to a random person and she accepted, and understood(to a degree) what I was battling with, what it boiled down to was this.....”you need help buddy...and fast, you can’t handle whatever is going on alone, so don’t try, reach out to someone, someone professional soon....like tomorrow”. I thought it was just a depression, my mind screwing me over for no other reason than that it could, so I booked an appointment with the Doc. Then.....I called my Mum, told her “shit is going sideways I think, I’ve made an appointment to go and see the Doctor tomorrow, see if something is legitimately wrong with me”.

Now my first two posts may make it seem as though I struggled with this total mind fuck alone, it’s not the case at all.

My Family.

Now for the sake of anonymity, I won’t use real names....but those who know...know. Well...Mum and Dad don’t really need nick names, but my sisters......I’ll actually use the nicknames I have given them over the years....you lot can use your powers of deduction to figure out who is who. Or I might just be a lazy fuck and tell you ‘Spaz’ is the eldest of my two younger sisters, and ‘Speedy’ is the youngest of my two younger, young.....people girls.

Anyway fuck it, here’s where I am going to brag like a fucking champion. I can’t imagine going through this journey without the support of my Family, and I mean My Mum, Dad, Spaz and Speedy! Whilst the support of my extended family and close friends is fucking wonderful, too know I could turn to these four super-humans, after they have seen my struggle to reach for the light over what has been some big ups and downs throughout the years.....too be able to depend on them, their compassion and understanding, their overwhelming love....it floors me, it really does. We are a tight nit bunch generally, sure we have our own lives, but when the shit hits the fan, the chips are down, these four people....these four people are everything, my world.

Some of you may think “ah fuck, he thinks he’s dying or some shit, getting everything of his chest, all the things he thought he should tell people before he kicks the fuckin bucket”. You couldn’t be more wrong though, I think I’ve got this Leukemia fucked, pretty confident actually, I’m saying these things because they need to be said, people need to know they matter, and it’s not fucken hard to tell them that either....easiest thing in the world actually.

Now I may be starting to ramble, but who gives a fuck....this is MY blog, I do what I want bitches! :)

So. my Mum, the shining light that has guided me for 40 bloody years, she’s cleaned my scrapped knees, she’s given me a tune-up with the wooden spoon when I pushed her too far, she’s had my back every step of the way, I’ve let her down, from time to time, we’ve had some good little scraps ourselves, one thing that never changed though....love, I love my Mum, and my Mum loves me, I know it, she doesnt even have to say it, she proves it in action, in the passion and strength in her voice when we speak, I can hear her pain when she knows I am not doing well, I can hear her joy when i am, we confide in each other, we complain to each other about just general life stuff. I adore it, I adore her.

My Dad, Dad can be pretty fuckin stoic, like trying to read a poker player.....a good one, cards close to the chest type of bloke, but unlike most Father/Son relationships....Dad and I worked together for a few years, got to know each other reasonably well, the bloke is my rock really, I know when shit is going down that he is the bloke to call, no matter what, Dad gives it too me straight, in my younger years, during some tough times he called me “a psycho” Mum scoffed, I said “nope, he’s nailed it, i am carrying on like a nutter, he’s right”. Dad’s always had a way of leveling me out, well I mean the dude can operate a grader like nothing else, so levels....yeah, got ‘em covered(earthmoving joke there)....a few will get that one.My go to guy when i think there is no one left to turn to, even just for a chin wag. Rang the guy the morning before I found out about this whole fuckin Leukemia thing, i was on edge, a razors edge, not sure what was coming my way.....had a good idea it was nothing good, stewing.......”fuck it, gotta call dad!”, deadset....two minutes, I’m pretty chilled now, and we are just shootin the shit. My rock - the perspective giver ;)

Now I would go on about my Sisters here, but I’m tired as fuck and I could go on and on about these two chicks, I’ll save that for another day.

Anyway, I promised I would tie the three timelines back together.....yeah I’m too tired to do that too, suck it nerds!

i will however tell the story I promised.....the one with the nuts in it.

So it’s like day three or so of being in Canberra hospital, my arms look like fucking pin cushions, between cannulas for giving me fluids, and big fuck off needles for taking blood out of me.....I’m bruised as fuck. So they decide to “install” a central line. Seems easy enough....I guess. Anyway, this fucking thing is not to be trifled with, mother fuckers have to make an incision in my neck...near my jugular, another one down near my groin, near my femoral vein, poke some shit between the two places, join that shit up and poke it through my fuckin chest. Simple.

So I get rolled down too the operating place, pretty chilled really, they tell me they have to be scanning me during the op so they can see the vein inside me and where to hook shit up, sure no worries, nurse/doctor/surgeon comes over, starts taking some details, making sure they have the right dickhead on the table.....they do, sweet. The nurse/whatever says “oh here comes your surgeon”, “goodo” i think. No word of a fucking lie, this fucker walks up to the bed with a fucking clip board in his right hand....and nothing in his left hand, cause he had NO fucking left hand!!! NO left hand from the wrist down! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS DUDE. I have a mild fucking hearty wondering what the fuck this blokes actual job is, and how the hell he does it. I mean he’s dressed like he is going to be fucking cutting some shit open.....my shit open. Try as I might, i can’t contain my......fucking horror, pretty sure these fuckers are taking the piss. Worst bit, no one lets me know if it’s a fuckin joke or not, I roll into the friggen operating place thinking this dude is going to be brandishing a fucking scalpel. Fuck me.It’s general anesthetic, I’m gonna be awake for this shit, mouth is dry as fuck.

Any who, they roll me in, load me up on this freakin contraption, got my trakkies on, paper dress over the top, forgot about ol lefty for now, chick goes....”time to nude up”, nude up! “Yep trakkies off....jocks off”, oh i can leave my large serviette on though...yeah thanks assholes, that makes everything so much better. I get another blanket to cover my.....fucking everything, deadset, they pull this dress up...nuts in the breeze, and put this blanket over my left side, the whole right side of me is fucking nude as hell and enjoying the cool freakin air. it gets better, cause they have to cut some shit in my neck open,  mother fuckers need me to turn my head to the left and keep it there....as they cover my face with some fuckin purple ass cloth, i can’t see shit expect some chick who is kneeling down trying to comfort me, another chick is shaving some shit on my chest, prepping for some cutting or stabbing or whatever the fuck, tickles like hell, give it a go, electric razor on ya freakin collarbone!! I’m coping though, they say “we need to tidy up your groin a bit”, ya fuckin what?? Chick reckons it’s just a bit of leg hair, yeah ok, great, can’t see fuck all, purple cloth over my head.....sure lady, please take an electric friggen razor and go for a lap around my balls. This is FEAR!

Turns out though, not too bad, she does only “tidy up” some leg hair, phew!

Freaked me the fuck out though, so they go about continuing to prep, chick is back up near my neck, i think she’s swabbing some shit down, sterilizing or something, whole right side of me is fuckin cold as hell, I’m managing though, they’re here to help, feel some pulling on my neck, are they cutting shit already i wonder, I can’t see shit through this purple fuckin tarp, fuckers never said anything, i start to get a bit edgey.....”dudes this is my neck” i think, but just then the coldest hand on earth grabbed my balls!! My fucking balls man! i let out a “FUCK ME!!”, chick working on my neck freaks out, thinks shes hurt me “oh my god, did i hurt you”, “No mate, something just grabbed my friggen balls, cold as fuck, you dudes need to give a bloke a heads up man!!”, “what the hell was that?”, they crack up, I’m not overly fuckin thrilled here, no fucker gives me an explanation really, I can see ol fuckin stumpy’s reflection in the glass, did that one handed fuck just grab my balls for a laugh?? No one explains shit, there was some giggling....no fucker apologized though!!!!

I still have flashback of deaths cold grip on my balls!

Rest of the “operation” goes.....ok...i guess, bunch of needles, lots of pulling shit through what i can only assume is my chest cavity, who the fuck knows, I couldn’t see shit, maybe they spent 2 minutes on the op, then 15 minutes playing with my nuts...sedated as fuck, who knows what was going on!

Not a pleasant experience!

Stay tuned for more adventures....if you dare(honestly, I’d bail now if I had a choice:) ).