#i myself had to wait about a year and a half total for each of the crossbell games (zero\azure) to be translated

[arieslost]

talk | op81

summary: oscar loves to talk your ear off.

word count: 1,276

masterlist — join my tag list here!

© arieslost 2024. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION.

everyone who had told you that oscar piastri wasn’t much of a talker was a bold-faced liar.

that, or maybe they just never got to see that side of him.

before you started dating oscar, you totally believed it. the first few interactions the two of you had were awkward and brief, usually ending in you thinking that he actually hated you and only engaged in small talk to be nice.

the oscar you know now is nothing like the oscar you first met, and even though you’ve been with him for the better part of two years, his ability to talk for hours is still as shocking to you as it was in the beginning.

it started out innocently enough. the first time you hadn’t been able to attend a race, oscar called you the moment he was back in his hotel room. you’d only been dating for five months at that point, and you vividly remember your shock when you accepted the facetime call and he started talking at a mile a minute. you’d barely gotten out a “hello” before he started recapping his entire day in precise detail. he didn’t even stop to take a drink of water in his enthusiasm.

that turned into the two of you developing a routine. every time you couldn’t make it to a race, oscar would call you at the end of the day and tell you everything he’d been dying to tell you.

“you could text me some of this stuff, you know,” you told him once, and he had wrinkled his nose cutely.

“why would i text it to you when i can just tell you about it on the phone?” he’d responded, like your suggestion was completely outlandish.

it’s endearing, really, the way he’s always so excited every time you pick up the phone. like he is right now.

“hi, honey!” he says brightly the moment the call connects and you can see each other’s faces.

“hey, oz,” you smile, your mood immediately lifting at the sound of his voice. “how was your day?”

“oh, i have so much to tell you,” he leans forward, his hair obscuring the camera for a moment before he leans back with a piece of paper in his hand.

“what is that?” you ask, watching as he unfolds it.

“this, my love, is my list.” he says, turning it around so you can see the way the page is full of his writing, not only on the lines but in the margins, too. “if i can read my own handwriting.”

“busy day?” you pull the hood of your sweatshirt further over your head so it covers more of your screen.

“you have no idea. i don’t even know where to start.” he sighs, eyes scanning the paper before he looks back up at the camera. “but i want to hear about your day first.”

“ah, it was okay. boring. i got so used to traveling around with you that i don’t know what to do now that i’m home all by myself.” it’s a lie, of course.

you wouldn’t miss oscar’s birthday for the world, and that was why you’d been so believable when you told him that you were so sorry, but you couldn’t make it to japan for the next race. even thinking about not being with him for his birthday was enough to upset you, so he bought it easily. conspiring with mark and lando, you’d gotten your hands on a plane ticket and formed a plan to get to the hotel with oscar being none the wiser.

which is how you’re here, at the end of the hallway on his hotel floor, waiting for the perfect time to interject.

“oh, i have to tell you about how free practice went, the second session, not the first,” he’s saying, squinting a little at the paper. “i wrote it over something else and i can’t see what it says. whatever. anyway, it’s raining here, and, like, half the cars didn’t end up going out for the second session. i was just trying to do my best for the session but i ended up setting the fastest lap! i didn’t even know until i got out of the car. did you watch? i don’t know if you did, i forgot to ask you, but i think it was a 1:34 or something like that. i could’ve been faster, obviously, but it was raining. its still raining right now actually which kind of sucks. i wouldn’t mind if you were here, but it’s just miserable and cold.” he pauses to take a breath. “wait, where are you?”

well that you weren’t expecting. “at home… where else would i be?” you reply, hoping that your confusion looks genuine.

“your background looks… i dunno.” he presses his lips together. “doesn’t look the same.”

“well, i’m at home,” you repeat, trying to come up with something on the fly. “pretending that i’m talking to you face to face instead of through the phone, like always.”

“ah, yeah. i do that all the time,” he admits, giving up on his scrutinization of what little he can see behind your hood.

“i miss you,” he says then, and its absolute hell knowing you can’t knock on his door just yet.

“i miss you too, oz.” you whisper. “keep telling me about your day?”

“sure, honey.” he gives you a soft smile, once again consulting his piece of paper. “so after the second session, i went and got dinner— oh wait, i forgot to tell you what happened earlier! i left the hotel room—”

you were hoping to let him tire himself out a bit from talking so much before approaching the door, but with every little detail of his day he shares you wish more and more that he was saying it directly to you and not through the phone, so you give up on being patient and knock three times.

“hold on, baby. someone’s at the door.” he says on the other end of the call, getting up from where he’s sitting on the bed and leaving his phone behind, so you end the call to free both of your hands.

the look on his face when he opens the door is priceless. “you’re joking.”

“i figured you should tell me the rest in person,” you say. “besides, i’d be damned if i missed your birthday.”

“you’re joking,” he repeats, pulling you and your suitcase into the room and wrapping you into a tight hug. “you’re actually here.”

“of course i’m here.” you laugh, kissing his shoulder through the loose material of his worn out t-shirt. “i don’t want to be anywhere else but here.”

“i’m so happy,” is all your enthusiastic, talkative boyfriend says before kissing you, smiling against your lips the whole time.

“you hung up on me?” its the first thing he says once the two of you are cuddled up in bed, and your jaw drops.

“seriously? i’m right here, and you’re gonna come for me for hanging up on you?”

“i would never hang up on you, but whatever,” he rolls his eyes, but cuddles you closer all the same. “okay, you have to know what lando told me last night about this one thing he did over winter break. it doesn’t sound bad at first, but i promise you it gets so much worse.”

you sigh in content, happier than anything to be in oscar’s arms and listening to him talk your ear off for the foreseeable future. you would never lie about it— you don’t want to be anywhere else but here, with him.

note: happy oscar dayyy!! wishing my fellow aries the best birthday ever and i hope you all enjoyed this 🫶🏼 i low key hate it but hopefully that’s just me lolz

my inbox is always open for comments, criticism, and conversation! feel free to pop in!

reblogs are greatly appreciated <33

tags: @venusacrossthestars @67-angelofthelordme-67 @emails-i-can-send @nelly187 @cixrosie @fangirl-dot-com @sainzluvrr @imheretoread @mellowarcadefun @yourbane @monsieurbacteria6 @c-losur3 @papayatori @ssprayberrythings @namgification @maih23 @evlkking @witchycarmen @ilovethispookie @maxverstappenfan79 @sya-skies @sweatrevenge5436-blog @kimis-gloves @mia-rrrs @decafmickey @customsbyjcg-blog @bigheartsthings @tania2748 @scuderiadevils @iloveyou3000morgan @ctrlyomomma @hiireadstuff @daemyratwst @arian-directioner @evelyn-ny @avg-golden-retriever @likedbygaslyy @lightsoutletsgo

[luveline]

Derek and shy!reader maybe? Meeting the team for the first time and none of them are expecting Derek's partner to be standing half-hidden behind him, shyly waving at them instead of saying anything

thank you for ur request! fem!reader

"So what's the deal?" Emily asks Penelope, licking the stem of her paper umbrella dry before dropping it onto a napkin. "He's suddenly going steady?" 

"Can you call five months sudden?" Rossi asks. 

Hotch nudges him. 

"What?" Rossi asks. "Can you? Five months is a long time." 

"And that's why you had to send Christmas cards to three different divorce lawyers this year," Emily says. 

Emily has a penchant for saying the occasional brazen comment, but JJ confiscates her friend's margarita anyways, before the booze loosens her lips and she says something worse. It's a small jet. 

"It's not like Morgan," Spencer agrees, standing at Rossi's other side, looking less out of place than usual. 

"It's totally like him," Penelope says.

Hotch's smile is hard to read, which is a spectacle considering current company. "I agree." 

"Here he is now," Penelope says excitedly, clapping her hands in front of her chest. 

Derek strides into the bar and past its patrons without a care in the world. He looks happy, content, and the team doesn't need to see you to know you're with him. He smiles at his phone at work exactly as he smiles now, with his arm stretched backwards to tether you along. 

You come into view as the crowd thins. You're not what anyone's expecting, certainly not plain but nor are you dressed up. Emily, in her tipsiness, declares that you look adorable, and receives a reproachful look from Hotch in reward. 

"Hey Derek!" JJ calls as soon as he's near enough. 

"Hey, guys. Mama, you remember what we talked about?" Derek asks Penelope. 

She nods sagely. "Restraint. I'm restraining myself. Oh my god you're so cute, I'm Penelope! I'm so happy to meet you." 

"Hi," you say. 

No less than five pairs of eyes fall to your hand as you twist your fingers into Derek's sleeve. He doesn't bat an eye, taking a half step in front of you, a picture of casualness as he introduces you to each of them in turn. 

"It's nice to meet you," Hotch says, seemingly speaking for the whole group. 

You raise your hand and give a stilted wave. Your eyes look sad and stressed at once, but you don't sound either, softly saying, "You too." 

Derek wraps a muscled arm behind your neck, grinning while he meets Penelope's eyes. "What are we drinking tonight?"

Your eyebrows pinch up at the starts. You smile at them all despite your obvious nervousness, and it's enough for each of them to reach the same conclusion simultaneously. You're shy, but you're good. A broad sweep yet easy to make. It's obvious how much you care for Derek if you'd been willing to meet them like this when you clearly don't feel comfortable.

Luckily for you, Penelope is excellent as making people feel welcome. "We're drinking Y/N's choice. What do you like? Sugar shots? Mojitos?" 

Your lips part, unprepared for a direct question so soon. 

Derek turns his head to yours, giving you what Emily deems the most ridiculous puppy dog eyed smile anyone has ever given, and what Rossi knows is a ring waiting to happen. He should know. 

"Let's go figure it out. Another round, from me?" he offers. 

He's quick to steer you away, but not too quick to miss Rossi's, "Something strong if you want us old timers to stay!" 

They wait for you to be safely out of earshot before they condense, bad gossips and worse actors off the job. "Who would've thought?" Emily asks. 

"She's not what I was expecting," JJ says. 

"Are we that intimidating?" Rossi asks, raising his eyebrows. The answer being yes, of course, though none of them are aware of just how scary they can be. You'd felt like you were standing in front of a pack of wolves. 

"She seemed nice," Spencer says. Trust him to say something sweet. Trust the rest of Derek's friends to agree, the group nodding and humming at various pitches.

"She seemed silent," Emily jokes. 

Penelope crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, earrings swinging against the blond tresses of her curled hair as she drops her head. "God, my muffin deserves nice. Please let this work out, she looks so sweet. I just wanna pinch her cheeks." 

"It's gonna work out," Hotch says surely. 

If Derek could hear him, he'd agree on the spot, but he's too busy praising you halfway across the room for such a stellar introduction. 

[octuscle]

From tutor to rookie of the year

Hi, my name is Jake. My company has hired me to tutor a few students with poor grades. That's not necessarily the reason why I started working at the auditing company. But first of all, I'm new here and I'm not going to refuse right at the beginning of my career. And secondly, becoming a teacher had actually been an option for me. Maybe it's fate now or something.

The first lesson gets off to a very promising start. I almost have to tear myself apart to leave your office and get to school on time. But when I arrive, there is a yawning emptiness in the classroom. Only after fifteen minutes I hear noise in the corridor and a couple of football jocks barge in the door. A few still in football gear. And all obviously unshowered after training. Phew, it stinks. And as I look into the handsome, square-cut faces of the boys spraying with testosterone, I'm suddenly back at school. The small, clever but shy boy who, at best, the stars of the football team overlook and, at worst, stuff into the toilet. I clear my throat and say that I'm not here for fun either and that I'm asking for some attention. The boys barely react. Damn it, it's not my problem. I explain a few linear algebra problems on the blackboard and ignore the paper airplanes. I have my school-leaving certificate. I have my master's degree. And my bonus doesn't depend on the grades of these idiots. At least I hope so.

After the debacle of the first tutoring session, my appetite for the second is very dampened. But it was already hard enough to get this internship. The firm is one of the most prestigious accountancy firms in the city. And if my pro bono job as an intern is tutoring the idiots on the football team twice a week, I'll survive. Apart from the 60 hours a week in which I have to pore over balance sheets, that doesn't matter any more.

These days, the musclemen are even on time. And somehow nicer than last time. They even ask me reasonably sensible questions like whether you can predict the trajectories of footballs. I take this as an opportunity to tell them something about vector calculus. They collapse with laughter. "Bro, I was joking. And football isn't math. Football is strength and speed." I'm about to take a breath and say something about Newton and the relationship between force and speed. But instead of listening to me, the jocks start bragging to each other about their heroic stories on the field. And I can't help but listen to them spellbound. When the lesson is over, I look after them with fascination. I wish I could have been more like them at school.

Shit, because I'm the only nerd on the senior team who isn't a complete failure at sports, Coach made me give math tutoring to the football team. He thinks the Meatheads might have a little bit of respect for me. Shit! Them for me? I for them might be more correct! The thought of explaining math to my secret crush forms a wet spot in my Calvin Klein shorts.

I expected the boys to keep me waiting. If they were also punctual and disciplined off the pitch, they wouldn't need any help. And I don't want to tutor them any more than they want to be tutored. We reach a compromise. You listen to my math tutoring for half an hour. And then we'll go out onto the pitch for half an hour and play a bit of football. God knows I'm not unsportsmanlike. But soccer has somehow never been my sport. I'm more of a swimming pool or gym kind of guy. Team sports? Not really.

Shit, yeah, I'm no rocket scientist in math. But I have quite good grades in English and history. I'm not going to fail this year. Why the fuck do I have to go to tutoring with the other bros from the football team? I have no idea. But seriously, the tutor is a total loser. A beanpole in a stuffy shirt. The idiot even wears a tie. Seriously, who wears a tie these days? If I had to wear a tie, I'd change jobs. Or if I had to shower after training. Shit, these are just rules that can come from old fat men. Bros like me and my bros smell like test… Testo… Well that hormone stuff. Sweat, musk and Axe. If I didn't have to go straight to detention again, I'd let the loser smell my armpits… But I'm a sophomore on the team right now. Let the juniors and seniors do that.

"Jack, bro!" This is Chuck. The QB on the team. I can tell by his voice. And by his smell. And I'd also know it by the taste of his cheesy boner…. But he stays locked in his jockstrap cage right now. What a damn shame! "Bro, where were you in tutoring? The dean was there. You're in fucking trouble!" Shit, tutoring! I was at the gym. The other guys are all so pumped. I don't want to lag behind any longer. "Shit, dude, we said you were in the bathroom. The loser tutor didn't dare contradict us. But I think you have to let him suck you off so he doesn't tell on you." Hehehehehe, I like that idea. There are still 40 minutes until football practice… And I haven't cum yet today. "Is the loser still in the classroom?" I ask. Chuck nods. I fist bump him and say that I'll sort it out quickly.

If Chuck and Matt go to college next year, I have a good chance to be the QB. But until then I still have to build up a lot of mass. Those two are just in a whole different league. And I'm damn jealous of the hair on Matt's chest. You should see the bush under his arms. Dude, the man is going to be a fucking gorilla! Shit, I'm not half the man those two are. You can tell immediately by the size of the bulge in our compression shorts. Nevertheless, neither of them mind if I fuck them. But they like fucking me even more. Without eye contact. Otherwise it would be totally homo!

We skipped tutoring again today. Coch covers for us while we're in the gym or doing our laps on the cinder track outside. Nevertheless, it's still up in the air whether Chuck and Matt will be at college next year. And whether I'll be a junior by then. But screw it, NFL pros don't need to know math.

[lilybug-02]

Happy 2 Year Anniversary to The Chara Timeline ✨

I FINALLY made drawing references for you guys, yippie!✨

It’s wild how long I’ve been working on this comic without reference sheets. I’m never that consistent with my art style, so I figured it was a waste of time 🫥💀😔 this is my first full comic okay…

Thoughts and Feelings About the Comic Below ❤️💖💕💞

Wow. It’s been 2 years??? I thought I would be done with this comic in 2 months! I don’t know whether to feel worried or accomplished!!

(With months between each update, I understand why it’s been 2 years. I’m a slow writer and artist and well- many things have come up in my life that had to come first, like my sisters wedding! 💞 and college 😅)

I want to thank my family and friends (WHO DO NOT READ THIS COMIC- THANK GOD) 💕 AND I want to THANK YOU! The readers! 💐💐

You guys are relentless! I’m as impatient as traffic and yet you guys wait for weeks or months at a time for like 4 pages?! You guys don’t even complain!!! I truly want to thank you all for that ❤️ it helps me so much. Being busy and getting burnt out are common and it helps me feel relaxed that i'm not on a timer. Literally tho- you guys keep this comic chugging I swear. Tysm 💐

Unorganized rambling about the comic ahead :) ⭐️🔥

—

My feelings with this comic are actually so complicated. On one hand I hate looking at my older art because GOD IT LOOKS SO OFF I want to stab it, and then on the other hand I am so so proud of myself for even continuing it this far. Ngl the weird route has been one of my favorite parts of this comic. It took me FOREVER to figure out an ending, but damn do I still get chills >:) hehe.

I’m still miffed that I named this project “Deltarune: The Chara Timeline” I could have gone for something so much COOLER. Doesn’t help I use like 7 different titles for it either. We got Deltarune the Chara timeline, Deltarune chara timeline, THE Chara timeline, chara timeline, Ct??? Man,,, I’m crazy. I take after my family so hard. We have 3 names for each of our dogs 💀.

Comic/Animation Tip i have learned. It is VERY GOOD to make the character relatively simple in design. Shape language is also super important, ((but I never really got around to doing that before I was half way through the comic, woops.)) These things can make ur process go by so much faster. This whole comic has been a HUGE learning curve. LIKE OH MY GOD. I had to learn how to draw backgrounds, write dialogue, plan a story, learn how to draw fast and draw noses (which god damn I really still can’t). And I had to learn how the heck to squeeze art into a tiny page and make it not look grainy. It's intense!

Anyways.... this has been such an awesome opportunity! Thanks Toby Fox!

I totally ran out of “art time” for my iPad and wanted to finish this today. So it’s a bit rushed. I’ll add weapons and possibly the other characters later :)

Oh shi- I forgot to add this grainy image of the next few pages lmao

[theslushiestnoob]

——————————————————————————

American Boy (pt.1)

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Word count: 2.4K

A scene where y/n and Hamzah meet for the first time 💕

English girl reader x hamzah

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The bright city lights of Toronto flashed past me as the taxi barreled down the street, a sense of excitement and nostalgia enveloping me. Arriving in early September was shaping up to be a good decision considering the beauty of autumnal Canada, the reddening leaves curling into themselves, the air cool but the brutish snow not yet setting in.

‘Going downtown, right?’ the taxi driver turned to ask me.

‘Yes please,’ I replied, repeating the name of my friend’s street in affirmation. I had landed from London the day before, and had given myself ample time to settle into my holiday rental before visiting Mandy, a lifelong friend of mine.

Despite the distance between England and Canada, we maintained our close bond through daily video calls and messages. Today would be the first day that I had seen her in nine years, since we were thirteen.

Organising this trip had been half spontaneity and half necessity - I had just completed my English degree at University, and was somewhat dreading beginning my teacher training. It was Mandy who suggested that I take a belated gap year, and within that time visit her in Toronto. It took some convincing, but the weariness from graduating was yet to subside, so it seemed like a good decision to get away. I would be in Canada for two months, a somewhat awkward amount of time - too long to be a mere vacation but far too short to put down any roots - but nonetheless I was excited. The possibility of adventure radiated from the metropolis of Toronto, surprise waiting around the turn of each street corner.

The taxi pulled up to the apartment block, the warm lights emanating from the facade casting a cosy glow into the air. It was the early evening, I was coming over for dinner and to officially meet Mandy’s long-term boyfriend, Martin. Of course, I had heard every detail of their relationship over the phone and had even spoken to him briefly on such a call, so he was not a total stranger. He seemed lovely and made Mandy so happy that I already cared for him vigorously.

I walked up to the third floor of the apartment building and knocked gingerly on the door. Despite how well I knew the girl, I was wracked with nerves. The door swung inwards, and there stood Mandy. Her round face crinkled into a wide smile, her cropped hair framing her soft features.

‘Oh my God!’ She exclaimed, rushing forward to pull me into a tight embrace.

‘I can’t believe you’re here. This is crazy,’ I returned her hug and giggled into her hair.

‘And Christ, you’re tall,’ She leaned back, hands lingering on my shoulders as she appraised me.

‘I know,’ I laughed. She was significantly shorter than me, a fact far less apparent when communicating through a phone screen.

‘I still can’t quite believe that I’m here, to be honest. It’s been so long,’ She began to pull me into the apartment, shutting the door behind me.

‘Argh! I’m so excited. You need to meet Martin.’ The warm smile that enveloped her face at the mention of his name confirmed my affection for him. As if summoned, a tall and slender man appeared from around the corner.

‘Martin! We finally actually meet,’ I say as he throws an arm around both mine and Mandy’s shoulders in a side-hug.

‘Hi! This one here,’ he pauses to give Mandy a tender kiss on the top of her head, ‘hasn’t stopped talking about you for the past week. It’s nice to officially meet you.’ He drops his arm and retreats back into the apartment, beckoning for us to follow.

‘So, Martin’s friend is coming over later to film, I hope that’s alright, but I thought that we could order takeout and watch some trashy TV.’ Mandy says as she walks into the open-plan living area of the apartment, a sleek black kitchen overlooking a cosy living room backed by an exposed-brick wall.

The far wall was entirely occupied by a large window, affording a stunning view of downtown Toronto. Two cats lay sprawled on the yellow plush sofa, and a small Chihuahua sat attentively by Martin’s feet. It was a perfect house, so quintessentially Mandy.

‘Sounds perfect.’ I grinned.

*

‘Oh my God, these people annoy me,’ I say, gesturing toward the TV. ‘Like, why can they never just be nice to one another?’

Mandy giggled, also engrossed in the latest episode of Love Island.

‘I agree, but I don’t think that would be half as entertaining as this trainwreck.’

There was a knock on the door, startling me from my comfy position snuggled into a plush blanket.

‘I’ll get it!’ Yelled Martin from the next room over, followed by the sound of his light footsteps and the door clicking open.

‘Hey, man,’ Martin said.

‘What’s up?’ a voice replied. The voice was deep but honeyed, carrying through the hall to where Mandy and I could hear.

‘His friend’ Mandy mouthed to me. I nodded and looked back to the television screen.

Martin walked back into the room, his friend following behind him.

‘Hi Hamzah,’ Mandy greeted him, smiling as he reached to pat her shoulder affectionately.

‘Hey Mandy,’ he replied, before his eyes flitted to me beside her.

His eyes held an intriguing intensity, as if asking a question. They were a warm, deep brown, and framed by dark eyelashes. His skin was the colour of caramel, his cheeks slightly flushed from the cold air outside. Dark curls framed his angular face, falling just above his thick eyebrows in somewhat unruly ringlets. His lips were plump and pointed, accentuated by a defined cupid's bow. A pair of rectangular glasses sat on the arch of his wide nose, enlarging his already big eyes.

‘This is y/n,’ Mandy said, acknowledging him looking at me. Almost instinctively, Hamzah reached toward his face and whipped off his glasses, shoving them in the back pocket of his dark jeans.

‘Hi, y/n. I’m Hamzah,’ he smiled, holding his hand out for me to shake. I smiled and took his hand, amused by the formal nature of the introduction.

‘It’s lovely to meet you, Hamzah.’

��England?’ his voice rose at the end of the word, turning it into a question.

‘Uhh…’ I began to stutter

‘Your accent. You’re from England, right?’ He interrupted, an expression of genuine curiosity on his face. He seemed slightly flustered by the blunt delivery of his question.

‘Yeah, um, I’m from London,’ I smiled warmly at his recognition of my accent.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out like that,’ He turned to Martin and smiled, partly for humour and partly for validation that he hadn’t been impolite.

‘You’re not Canadian?’ I ask, ‘You don’t say sorry like Mandy does,’ I point out, pronouncing the word the elongated Canadian way of saw-ree.

He laughed at my impression and Mandy shot me a death glare.

‘No, I’m American, actually. I was raised in Illinois,’ he nodded briskly, and I copied the motion.

He held his dark eyes on me as if appraising me, an indistinguishable look on his face. The prolonged eye contact made my stomach flip, yet I could not tear my gaze away.

‘Dude, we have to go film,’ Martin prompted him.

‘Yeah,’ Hamzah said, breaking the eye contact and turning toward Martin. They both walked out of the room.

I knew of Martin’s job as a YouTuber and had always been intrigued by it. It was every child’s dream growing up, and it was very impressive to me that he made a livelihood out of it. I never found the urge to look him up, though, only knowing the basic facts about his channel, that it was shared between him and a friend - who I now knew to be Hamzah. I also knew that Mandy was a sort of fan-favourite, and that she had started vlogging too. This fact was endearing to me, and I felt a surge of pride when she had told me. Of course she would be a favourite, I thought, who wouldn’t adore her?

Mandy and I returned to Love Island, commenting on the couplings and absurd challenges presented to the islanders, but all the while my mind was drifting to the other room.

*

The show had finished a while ago, so we had turned on some music to listen to while we caught up.

‘I mean it has literally been years,’ Mandy shook her head in disbelief as she said this.

‘It’s so weird, right? Seeing you all grown up in person is surreal. I mean, you’re basically married!’ I replied.

Mandy chuckled and hid her face with her wine glass.

‘What about you? Any men in your life?’ she asked, with a wiggle of her eyebrow.

I felt myself redden as I shook my head.

‘Nope. I was too focussed on school, to be honest. And I’m not really interested in the whole partying thing, so I hardly meet new people my age. But it's fine, I’m happy,’

Mandy looked at me sceptically, before sighing and rubbing my arm.

‘You never know what could happen on this trip,’ she said quietly, and I stiffened.

My mind instantly drifted to Hamzah. I imagined his beautifully rugged face, before dispelling the thought. I looked at the time on my watch and realised how late it had gotten.

‘Oh God, I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow, though?’

‘I’m working the morning, actually, but feel free to come round whenever, someone’s always here.’

As I rose out of my seat, the door to the adjoining room opened. Hamzah walked out of it, laughing with Martin who was following close behind.

‘Are you leaving now?’Mandy asks him as he passes by the sofa.

‘Damn girl, trying so hard to get rid of me,’ he deadpans.

Mandy responds with a withering death stare.

‘But yes,’ Hamzah concludes with a grin. He turns around and hugs Martin, smacking his back as he does so. When he turns again, he locks eyes with me once more. Standing, we are almost the same height, him being maybe an inch and a half taller than me.

‘She was just leaving now, too,’ Mandy says, ‘how did you get here again?’

‘I took a taxi, I’ll just grab another one. It’s only a twenty minute drive,’ I reply, pulling out my phone to call one.

‘Nah, I can drive you, if you want,’ Hamzah says, staring intently into my face, once again with an unreadable expression.

‘Are you sure? I don’t want you to go out of your way,’ I shake my head at the suggestion.

‘Really, it’s not a problem. C’mon, let's go,’ He says, starting for the door.

I turn to Mandy and see a sly grin on her face as she looks at Martin. She embraces me in goodbye, and I turn to follow Hamzah.

*

His car is parked just outside the apartment block, so it’s only a short walk in the whipping cold. Hamzah reaches for a handle and opens it, gesturing me inside.

Confused, I asked him, ‘Am I driving?’

He looked at me quizzically as I realised my mistake.

‘Oh, I forgot that you drive on the wrong side of the road!’ I say, and Hamzah’s face cracks into a grin.

‘You drive on the wrong side of the road, actually,’ he retorts.

I smile at him as I get into the car, glad for the relief from the cold night air.

He walks around the bonnet of the car and gets into the driver’s seat, ducking his head as he bends through the door.

He glances at me self-consciously as he reaches into his back pocket to retrieve his glasses. As nonchalantly as he can, he puts them on with one hand as the other reaches to start the car.

The car jolts into motion, thrumming mechanically beneath me.

‘Music?’ He asks, shooting me a sideways glance.

‘What are the options?’

‘Well, this car is old as fuck so I can only play CDs.’ He gestures for me to open the glovebox in front of me, and I pull out a holographic Disk.

‘Taylor Swift’s Red?’ I ask, narrowing my eyes in amusement.

‘Hey, don’t hate a man for having taste. Besides, it came with the car, so I’m being very frugal,’

‘Okay Mister Happy Free Confused and Lonely At The Same Time. No judgement here. Do you also have a keychain that says ‘fuck the patriarchy’?’

He grins at me and turns to focus on the road as I play the disk, the drums of State of Grace reverberating through the car.

Rain begins to slosh against the windows as the drive continues in silence, an air of awkwardness arising which I feel compelled to break.

‘So, what’s with the glasses?’ I ask.

He instinctively reaches up with his free hand to touch the frames, shooting me a sideways glance.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you just seem self-conscious about them, but I don’t know why,’ I stare pointedly at him and watch him absent-mindedly fidget with the frames.

‘Uhh… I don’t know, I guess, I don’t wear them often in public,’ He replies, avoiding my gaze.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you out,’ I replied, feeling guilty at the prospect of embarrassing him. ‘I just meant that there's no need to be. They’re cute.’

Hamzah snaps his head to turn to me, his eyebrows scrunched quizzically. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but seemingly decides against it. He returns to staring intensely at the road and the rest of the journey continues in silence, aside from the melody of Taylor Swift’s Treacherous.

This slope is treacherous

This path is reckless.

*

——————————————————————————

I hope that you guys enjoy this! Please let me know if you want me to post more, I have written so so much for this fic and am only posting the first scene lol so I have more in the bank 🙈

Have a great day 💕

[prettymrswright]

not in the way I want to. (s,f)

pairing: shuri udaku x black!fem!reader

background: you and shuri met in college while the young prodigy was freshly on the rise in the media for her latest creations. the two of you were inseparable from the very first class you had together. many people would assume the two of you to be romantic, but you guys knew it wasn’t like that. you’ve had the same boyfriend since freshman year, and up until recent events, considered yourself straight (curious at most). shuri wasn’t too fond of him, and initially, it perplexed you. but what happens when trouble arises in ‘paradise’, and hidden feelings are revealed?

content warning: fluff, smut (18)+, sub switch!shuri, dom switch!reader, explicit language, dirty talk, pet!names, overstimulat!on, oral (both receiving), strap (reader receiving), scissor!ng, finger!ng (both receiving), rough!gestures, praise!kink, multiple orgasms, mentions of coming out, cheating

word count: 9.6k translations: nkosazana, princess. usana, baby. mhlobo wam, my dear. intombi entle, pretty girl.

authors note: y’all! hello everyone 🤭 i was gonna insert an intro but imma put it in my bio chile ik what y’all here for. i’m excited for this, this is my first fanfic on this app & y’all done woke up the writer in me again, these stories are so good!!! i’m usually a reader/consumer of the content but I love this community so I wanted to jump in there myself. i hope you guys love it, im gonna figure out the masterlist/requests/taglist thing if you guys want more. below tagged are my favoriteeee writers on here, baby y’all write down!!! oh and baby this is SMUT, okay we ain’t come here for play play! 🤣 no need for likes or reblogs, just wanna hear y’all feedback in the comments! (divider by @firefly-graphics)

@inmyheadimobsessed @pinkwright @generallysapphic @vixentheplanet @ventingfanfics @zayswriting @vampzx

"sssshit, baby wait--" you hissed through slightly parted lips as the princess's hands slid all over you, one finding its way to your entrance making teasingly slow circles. she brings you closer to her chest and lowers her pretty lips to your ear. "please don't deny me, nkosazana" she says with a low tone, sending chills down your spine. "i've been waiting so long." and that she has been. and you'd be a fool to deny her any longer. you fully surrender to her touch, and as soon as you relax, she sends her slim, polished, ringed finger up your pussy, pumping with a curve, sure to touch your center. "aghhh--" you let out a sharp wince and bite the corner of your bottom lip, preventing your scream. she then slips another finger & with each pump, she coos your praises sending you into overdrive. "shuri i'm so close please--" she moans at the sight of your reaction, pleased to have been successful in pleasing you. "let it go for me, usana, that's it" "fuck!" you cry out. "I love you so much" you throw your head back into her neck and flutter your eyelids into a slow shut, anticipating your release. 3 seconds away from arriving and-- ERRRR!! ERRRR!! ERRRR!! you launch your body up rapidly at the sound of your alarm, panting, attempting to catch your breath. "ugh," you groaned, as you turned over to silence the machine, almost breaking it with the force you applied. that was weird. this was the third time this week alone that you have had a wet dream about shuri. even weirder that you were annoyed at its end. the two of you have never been intimate; you weren't even attracted to women. sure you two were close, but it never exceeded its platonic state. awoken by your sudden movement and noise, your boyfriend, Jalen, turns over to you, eyes still shut. "mm, you good baby?" he asks, still half asleep, not totally interested anyway. "yea i'm cool, just startled that's all." halfway through your sentence, he was fast asleep again. you rolled your eyes before grabbing your phone to send a much anticipated text. "Happy Birthday to one of the realest, flyest, smartest, coolest, and kindest people to ever tread this floating rock. I love you! Oh-- and you a bad bitch too." you giggle at your dry humor. tonight was your friend Sevyn’s birthday. Sev had been there for you and Jalen all throughout college. she helped coach y'all through y'all issues both together and individually. she had been there emotionally, mentally, and even sometimes financially. she was an outstanding friend, and it was important that you made tonight special for her. you decided you would get up early and run some errands before the event tonight. as you rise up out of bed, you lightly stretch out your limbs, and walk to the bathroom to get ready for the day. after your normal face and dental hygiene routine, you prepare to take a warm shower. sliding down your underwear, the crotch of your lace peels off your body like a banana, slowly being attached to your skin by the slick caused by the series of imaginative events. it made your skin hot, leaving you slightly embarrassed at the fact that even affected you like that.

as you run your shower, you're certain Jalen was still sleep, and he needed to be up getting ready too.

"Jalen!--" You shout out of the bathroom. "hmmm?," he groans in annoyance, proving you right. "you know we got somewhere to be right?," you semi-yell and wait for his response. "I'm up, I'm up" he says, not convincingly at all. lately, he had been constantly putting off important things, or 'forgetting' them and you didn't know what the root of the issue was. It just seemed like he lacked interest lately. you just blamed it on his work, since it had been requiring his attendance overtime recently. spending all that time could drain somebody for sure. you were sure he meant no true harm. you take a hot, brisk shower, filling up the bathroom with vanilla, white birch, velvety rose and a drop of strawberry nectar-- the scents emerging from your you're the one shower gel from bath and body works.

your mind begins to wander as you lather up your body. you couldn’t figure out why you were so on edge. You and Jalen haven’t been too sexually active the past weeks, or active at all in that matter, but even when you were, it never riled you up like you had been in that dream. maybe you were just missing the constant physical attention you received at the beginning of the relationship. but didn’t that mean you would’ve had a dream about him?

today was so exciting. you had been so emerged in your own adulting, you barely had time to see your friends. you couldn't wait to link back up with sevyn, riri, and shuri. at the end of your shower, you dry off, lotion up, and get dressed in your fav, emerald green, 'running errands' sweatsuit. you put your thick, kinky hair in two space buns, slip on your AF1's and grab your things. walking past the bedroom you hear the deafening snores coming from your boyfriend. you decided to leave anyway and go run errands on your own. .. in a three and a half hour timespan, you were able to get your nails and toes done, pick up some new accessories for your outfit, and get your hair freshly silk pressed. the first time you have put heat in your hair in 3 years, and the health benefits were showing. you had it up in pin curls, and tucked away.

after your errands, you head to the venue and drop off the balloons, the cake, and the shoes you set out for Riri to match her outfit. Sev had no idea she was having a party. she knew you guys were taking her out tonight. you helped set up for a little before you headed out. as you go back home to get ready, you walk in and see Jalen on his game. "Baby, we gotta leave in a couple of hours. How have I managed to knock out my whole day and you ain't move but 3 feet?," you spat, visibly annoyed. "Oh uh, actually," he began, "I can't make Sev's tonight." you walk closer, scanning your boyfriend's facial expressions and body language, waiting for the punchline. "What do you mean you can't make Sev's? We been planning this for weeks, J."

he sighs in a somewhat sympathetic tone before standing to meet your gaze. "I know, babe, I'm sorry. Work called ag--" you cut him off, ready to spazz, but trying your hardest to remain a least a little level headed. "Work? you had all this time to put in for today, J. I mean, damn, they need you there, late, every day?" he pulls your body closer to him and lifts your chin to meet him eye level. "I'm sorry. I'll make up to you and Sev, you know I'm good for it. " he exclaims before slowly pecking your lips. you slightly shudder at the interaction, the most you have gotten in weeks. you roll your eyes before turning to walk away and he pops you on your ass. "Aye, don't give me that 'tude, aight." Jalen laughs. "Go finish getting sexy. And make sure I get my pictures!" he trails off to the bathroom.

you were disappointed, but decided you wouldn't let that get the best of you. you go back into your room and begin to set up your vanity dresser/mirror, in glam mode. you plug in your speaker and shuffle your caribbean vibes playlist, pre-gaming before the festivities. you took off your clothes, leaving you in your panty and bra set, and turned up the lights beaming from your vanity mirror. nothing could ruin this night, not even Jalen's lack of attendance. you decided to text the groupchat to check everyone's status. m'baku's big toe

you: ahem, hearye, hearye. i hope you hoes is getting ready! riri: girl i been getting ready, yk beauty takes time. or do you? idk you be lookin' a lil questionable 🥴 you: girl, fuck you! 🤣 shuri: I’m quicker than you both. 🙄 I’m dressed and out the door before you could attach your second false lash. sev: what you guys wearing?🙃 you: aht aht! it don't matter what we wearing, it's YOUR birthday. sev: i know, but i still don't know where you guys are taking me, i don't want to be over or under dressed😩 riri: girl you could come to the corner store in a disco ball. it's YOUR DAY. you: no, exactly shuri: whatever you guys wear, I'm sure it'll be glorious. now please hurry, i'm falling asleep!

you smile brightly at the texts laying out before you. one thing your friends could always do, was boost your mood. you breeze through your makeup, pausing mid-blend and mid-bake to buss a quick whine or to shout lyrics at the mirror with your gun finger emotes up.

you cocoa butter and oil up your body, giving it that shine and glow. you loved to look like you were glowing when you were dressed up. you slip on your black, mini, spaghetti strap body-con dress with a small slit in the thigh. you put on your sandal strap heels with the black base and clear straps. you place the single gold chain with a heart-shaped herb pendant on your neck, and the gold name plate bracelet to match both gifted from Shuri. It went perfectly with your outfit and the gold accents in the black hand purse you chose to wear for the night. you let your pin curls down and let them fall, slightly below your collarbone. you grab your favorite scent, instant crush by mancera, and give a spritz to all your intimate areas. glancing over yourself in the mirror, you have to say; you totally outdone yourself. it's been a while since you gave yourself this much attention to your appearance and it was well overdue. Jalen pops his head the room, dressed and seemingly in a rush. "alright babe, I'm out. have fun tonight and be safe." he turns out before you can even respond. "you didn't tell me how I looked!" you yell, trying to catch his ear before it was outside. "you look great as always! Love you, bye!" and with that the door shut. it's not that you needed to hear him say it to confirm how you looked, it was no question. but it's always nice to hear it from your partner. you shake it off and hype yourself up in the mirror before your phone begins to ring. it was Riri. you swipe to answer and were met with an enthusiastic exclamation. "We outsideeee!" Riri shouts, followed by cheers from the rest of the group. "Aowww!" you chuckle. "I'm on my way out now." you begin to walk out the door and towards the black Mercedes SVU truck, driven by Shuri. the windows roll down and it is an immediate uproar.

"Bombaaaa, what a gyal suh pretty, man eeee??!" Sev says flick-snapping her fingers, accentuating her Jamaican accent. "No, you look tf goodt! This how you step out for your friend, okay!" Riri says smiling ear to ear. Shuri's reaction is delayed but only because she's trying to take it all in. you were beautiful to Shuri, in every way, and she never hesitated to tell you that. Immediately she felt all the feelings she felt when she first met you rush to her heart , her throat and her stomach. If pupils could take shape, hers would be shaped in hearts. looking at her and waiting for her reaction, you catch her scanning your body and getting flustered. It was silent for a minute until she snaps back to the present moment. "Damn." she breathes out, causing everyone to fill up the rest of the silence with laughter. you hop in the backseat with Riri, admiring her orange turtleneck dress and her small straight back feed-ins. you guys take off, riding out about 20 minutes to your destination. every few minutes or so, you and Shuri would exchange a glance in the rear view mirror, slightly making you nervous. it wouldn't have been the first time, but this time was particularly making you feel a way. she had on a white hoodie and matching white joggers, a pair of 1's and a single plaited gold chain. she smelled of satin and eucalyptus, a strong but soothing scent. the fingers attached to her tattooed hands were freshly polished with a clear coat, reflecting a glare off of the traffic lights as her hands rested on the wheel. her undercut was freshly buzzed, emphasizing the powerful structure of her face. she was breathtaking. your mind began to wander, if you weren't mistaken, in the direction of the dream you had the previous night. before it could get too deep, your thought was interrupted.

"Time out," Sev turns to face you from the front passenger. "Where is J?" you sigh, initially forgetting all about him. "He had to work late, he told me to tell you he'd make it up to you." "Yo, that man is gonna work himself right into an early grave" Riri exclaimed. shuri scoffs at the sentence. you look up, interested in what she thought. "That's some bullshit. Ain't that much overtime in the world." she spat. you knew the two weren't the best of friends. but this comment was clearly shade. you got somewhat defensive. "What are you implying? I mean, he is the main provider of the house. It sound like his priorities are straight to me." you say, colder than you would've liked to. Shuri stared off into the distance of the road, giving a condescending hum before responding. "Mmm. Is that what it is? Okay. I mean one of your closest friends of 4 years' birthday sounds worth prioritizing to me, but what do I know, right?" this was the most you've seen Shuri get aggravated over him. Or anything for that matter. and in a weird way, her protectiveness made you feel something you wouldn't want to admit aloud. The silence after was bitter, but quickly broken after Sev jumps in. "Hey, look, it's fine" she lowly smiles and places her hand on mine. "I'm sure he didn't mean any harm by it. I'm with my girls tonight, let's just have fun." Shuri immediately shoots you an apologetic look. although she didn't regret what she said, she was always gentle with you & didn't want you to feel otherwise. you give her a slight nod and half smile, letting her know it was okay. I mean after all she was right. how could you wither away all your time somewhere where you didn't even need to, especially when you had the choice to be there for your friend? we park and step out the car, walking towards the venue. you could now see everybody in their entirety. the assignment was very clearly understood.

Sev looked beautiful. her locs she had been growing since the 3rd grade were up tightly in a neat, high bun. she had on a silver sequined body suit with a white mini skirt and white open toe heels to match. the windows were made with an ashed out material on the outside, only being able to see the lights reflecting. you, shuri, and riri shoot each other excited looks as Sev walks up first. "Damn, this restaurant is big!" Sev says, having no idea what she was getting ready to walk into. "She don't got a clue in the fucking world--" Riri says under her breath, imitating the Druski meme. simultaneously, you and Shuri tap her arm to shut her up, laughing all the while. she opens the door and everyone turns around. "Surprise!" Everyone yells and cheers, phone light cameras on, brightening up the space even more. all of Sevyn's closest friends and family were in attendance. you and the crew spent weeks formulating this. you knew Sev was homesick, and you wanted to make it as special as possible. the DJ plays Barbie Doll by Vershon as she walks out, giving her her dream entrance.

the different color fluorescent lights lit up the entire space, making the dance floor look electric. there were purple, gold, and silver confetti balloons bunched together and tied in every corner. there was even two 2 balloons tied above the special chair you guys decorated for her to sit as you sung happy birthday. "Oh my g--" Sev turns around to us, hands on her now heavily beating heart. her eyes immediately well with tears. "No you guys didn'tttt" you guys pull her in a group hug. "Yes we did!" Riri says, grabbing a napkin off the side table to pass to me. "Hey hey, don't cry sister, you gon' mess up your pretty makeup!" you pout, using the napkin Riri passed you to blot the corners of her eye. Sev was so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude. she loved you guys dearly, but she missed her family back home as well. she mouthed 'I love you' and blew a kiss before she turned to make her rounds around the room. the three of you made a couple rounds yourself and headed for the bar, ready to get your night started. .. about an hour goes by, and Riri rounds everybody up around Sev's chair to sing happy birthday. Shuri brings out her favorite-flavored, cookies and cream ice-cream cake and lays it on the table before her. Happy Earthstrong, Bad Gyal Sevyn! it reads, in purple letters, two gold 2's standing besides each other in the middle. she makes her wishes and blows out her candles, and from there, the real celebration begins.

as the night went on, the tunes were rolling in and at this point every one was tipsy and dancing. one of your favorite Afrobeats songs off of Wizkid's new album started playing. before you knew it, you felt yourself floating to the dance floor. you began to roll your hips, slow to the downbeat, eyes shut, feeling every word.

Mami You making me lose my eyes for other girls No do me something wey go make me stress Give me less of that, give me more of you Give me something I'll never want to lose, yeah

as you continuing dancing, you feel familiar hands slide around your waist and pull you into them. It was Shuri. she had been watching you dance and decided she no longer wanted you to do so alone. as she presses up against you, she begins to whine her hips, matching your rhythm. smiling to yourself, you slightly bend over, adding more dynamic to your movement. as a result, Shuri leans back and catches it. "You go girl," she says in the American accent she had been practicing so heavily lately, making the two of you laugh. you lift back up, keeping the whine more intimate, and she lowers herself to your ear. "You look stunning tonight, nkosazana." She says, sending a chill through you. she had called you that same thing in the dream. her nicknames for you sounded so much better in Xhosa than it did in English. "As do you, my love." you reply, still dancing. "I'm sorry for earlier," she begins, "I didn't mean to offend you. I just get protective when I feel my friends are being taken advantage of."

you slide your hands down to interlock over hers, which were placed around your waist, in an attempt to soothe her, wanting to forget the conversation happened. It works, as you feel her melt further into you. "Shuri it's okay, I promise. I appreciate you looking out, you know that. you were right anyway. he should've been here." you lift a hand to place a kiss on it. she uses that same hand and turns you around to face her, wrapping her arms around your waist. you smooth your arms around her neck and for a moment, it feels like it's only you two in the room. the two of you rock side to side, legs intertwined, in a kompa-like style and she brings herself to your ear and begins to lowly sing-hum the lyrics to the song. Who's gonna know? At the end of the day, I'm yours For the night only, baby, ooh Turn me on, I'm yours For the night only, baby, ooh Ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh you felt like you were dreaming again. was she singing these lyrics to you? or was that just something you wanted to hear? you pull back and make eye-contact with the royal girl, and she's looking at you with a look you've seen before, but just not in real life. "I've been dying to hold you just like this." She blurts out, not breaking the eye contact and you can feel a lump begin to form in your throat. you smile at her, slightly nudging her off. "what are you talking about? we're always affectionate with each other. you hold me all the time" you laugh. it was true. hugs and kisses weren't foreign to you two, and neither was dancing. but somehow this felt intense. "not in the way I want to." she says, making a triangle with her eyes from your left-eye, to your lips, to your right-eye. "and what way is that?" you say directly, almost seductively. you felt it slightly inappropriate to build upon this tension, but once you got in that flirtatious mode, it was hard to come out of it. however, it only happened when you were attracted to said person. and you admit shuri was beautiful, but it never occurred to you that your attraction had been more than just a friend admiring a friend. she picks up on your tone, taking it as a green light to continue.

“Like this.”

she says into your neck as she turns you back around, leaving 3 soft kisses down your collar bone.

you lightly hum in satisfaction and reach your hand around Shuri’s head, bringing her closer and pressing yourself on her pelvis. you drag your hand down her undercut and across her jaw, holding her face to your neck, keeping it warm. she shudders under your touch and lowly moans at your reaction to hers.

I've been waiting for you to come my way (my way)

Put the sun in my rainy day (rainy day)

For your type, I go wait for days, my girl

Girl, your type of feel no dey give me pain

Girl, your picture fits my frame

There for you in a thousand ways, my girl

For the night, for the night

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh, yeah

“Come home with me, tonight Y/N.” she pleads. immediately you feel your knees buckle at the statement. you wanted to say yes so bad, but you couldn’t promise good behavior. And for that, it would be inappropriate for you to. besides you had to let Jalen in since he lost his key.

“I don’t know, Shuri. I gotta be home to open the door for J.” You say with slight disappointment in your tone of voice.

Before the Princess could respond, the two of you are interrupted by a loud mic feedback screech, followed by a very drunk and very happy announcement.

“Thank you everybody for coming out tonight!” Sevyn begins. “I’m so grateful for my beautiful family and my BOMB ASS FRIENDS, I’m having the time of my life, truly. One more year pan di fucka dem, how yuh mean?!!! “ The party erupts in cheers and mimicked mouth sounds of gunshots.

“And with that being said… IT’S SHOT O’CLOCK!!”

Beaming at her excitement, you match her energy. “SHOT O’CLOCK!!!”

Everybody takes their shot given out to them earlier throughout the night, raises it, and backs it. The music starts up again and people are back dancing. The four of you group up by the bar.

“So sis,” Riri starts, facing Sev. “Do you love it or do you love it?!”

“You guys are fucking unreal,” she says slurring. “I’m having so much fun. Thank you. All of you.” She hugs us each and begins to tear up again.

“You know we got your back like your spine do, Sev.” Shuri says, doing the handshake the four of you had created with her.

Riri’s phone buzzes and as she checks her notification, her face drops.

you all pick up on the shift in energy, but Shuri beats you guys to the chase.

“What’s wrong, Ri?” she asks attentively.

anticipating her answer, you look at her waiting for a response, and she immediately looks up at you.

“Y/N,…” She looked so sympathetic. As if something happened to you.

“What? what is it?” you began to get nervous.

Riri squeezes in between in all of us, sharing the view of the phone.

It’s a video sent to Riri’s instagram.

‘Ri, ain’t this your friends man?’

It was your boyfriend Jalen, wearing the same thing he had on when he left the house earlier that afternoon. In the bed, with another familiar face. It was his ex, Mya. the two were kissing. the video was captioned ‘never too far’ with the song “Can’t Leave Him Alone” by Ciara and 50cent attached to it.

a hot pit immediately formed in your stomach and you felt nauseous. Before you could think to cry, the tears were already flowing.

“Are you fucking serious!” Sevyn says, unaware of how loud she truly was, compliments of her inebriated nature.

“I’m sorry, sis. this is so fucked up.” Riri says rubbing your back.

work huh? he had been cheating the entire time. the lack of affection, the flopping on plans, forgetting important dates, no sex. the whole time you’ve been making excuses for him, considering his emotions and hardships, he had been occupying his time and energy somewhere else.

“That fucking jerk-off.” Shuri spat so harshly it almost made you jump. as you glanced over her face, you could see a dark, glossy glare in her eye and her jaw flexing from her biting down so hard. her Kimoyo beads turn a bright, glowy red, activating the mood generator she had added to it, just for shits and giggles in her free time. It meant anger. you knew that. she turns to you, noticing your state and cups your face and immediately wipes your tears with her thumbs.

“Listen to me,” she says, holding the attention she already previously grabbed. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, inside and out. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. He didn’t deserve you then, and he doesn’t deserve you now.”

you nod at everything she says. you know she’s right, but the tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. it was hurtful. it was downright disrespectful.

“Girl, we can pack up all your stuff and you come stay with me,” Riri says very sweetly but very serious.

“Fuck that,” you laugh in between sniffles, with your thoughts residing in audacity. “That’s my shit. He could get out!”

“I know that’s right!” Sevyn says smacking her hand down on the bar countertop.

you all laugh. humor was how you four coped with everything. more than anything you were appalled at these series of events, but you wouldn’t let it sack your night. tonight is about Sevyn. You got yourself together, had a few more shots, and the four of you continued the night, as intended.

..

It was 1 AM and the night was over. everyone kissed and hugged goodbye and made their way out. Shuri had Sevyn over her shoulder, placing her gently in the backseat of the SUV. she was too drunk to function, but in Sevyn’s words, “The night wasn’t crunk, If I wasn’t drunk”

I laughed aloud at the thought of her saying that. we all hop in the car and Shuri being the most sober, barely even tipsy, drives everyone home. we get to Sev’s house first.

“I’m gonna stay with Sev and nurse her back to health.” Riri half chuckles, gathering all of her and Sev’s belongings.

“I am health!” Sevyn slurs, mixing up health and healthy. We all laugh.

“Yeah ok superstar.” Shuri smiles.

“Goodnight y’all,” you say warmly. “Happy Birthday again, Sev.”

“Goodnight, take it easy, okay Y/N/N?” Riri says to you. You give her a reassuring nod.

“Yeah and fuck that nigg—!” was the last thing you heard before the back door shut. You laugh uncontrollably, knowing it was Sevyn, making it clear she had your back. you wait until they get inside and Shuri drives off. for a while, it's silent, until you break it. "Thank you, Shuri." you began, sheepishly, fidgeting your fingers. "For speaking life into me, and making sure I enjoyed my night." you could see her crack a small smile. "Of course, Y/N. What kind of friend would I be not to?" she reaches out and rests her hand on your thigh, giving it a light squeeze. the gesture makes you squirm. Pretending not to notice, Shuri asks, "Did you want to stop by anywhere before we reach your house? Something to eat? Or maybe an airbed?" "Shut up!," You burst into laughter, nudging her shoulder. She was very good with lightening moods, and she was also very funny. "Actually," you began, feeling that bold feeling you had felt earlier. "I was hoping you could take me home. to your home." you say, this time, with the full intent of sounding seductive. you reach over and rub the back of her neck, ever so gently. "Oh, uh-" you notice the 'adam's apple' portion of her neck move as she swallows, caught off guard by your sudden gesture. "Yea, definitely, that's fine with me." her kimoyo beads then started to glow a dark fuchsia. Your head tilted at the sight. That was new. You were there the millions of times that Shuri had ran tests on this feature, but you couldn't recall seeing this color before. "What does fuchsia mean, Princess?" You turn to her, genuinely interested. normally, she hated when you were formal with her. but as of these recent events, she was sort of turned on by it. she looks at you, and with a shy, stuttered tone she replies, "Arousal."

"Oh.." at a loss for words, you feel the pace of your heartbeat pick up, in both places of which a heartbeat may reside in a woman. she was aroused by you. a gentle touch alone from you made her arousal grow and the thought of that made your curiosity quickly turn into certainty. you wanted her bad, and was over pretending that you didn't.

You finally park, and the two of you head inside Shuri's apartment complex, which she had owned and had other people rent out. you went up to the top floor and trailed off into the Princess's palace. Shuri's home was so warm. Welcoming. the decor filled with blues, whites, and silvers, mimicking her lab back at her home Wakanda. The two of you enter her spacious room and immediately she begins to undress. she slips off her hoodie, exposing her toned and muscled arms elongating out of her wifebeater. her beauty was so effortless. And in that moment you could only think of those arms holding you. Or restraining you. either would suffice. "I'm gonna hop in the shower, Y/N," she begins. "You're welcome to shower here or in any of the guest bathrooms. It's up to you." "I'm gonna go in the guest room. Where are your towels?" you ask. she goes in her closet and comes out with a baby blue towel and two wash rags, one white and one blue, and hands them to you. you notice they're the same set from when you slept over last summer. "I never used them and purposely and kept it separated from all my others. I know blue's your favorite." She says, almost bashful. "How sweet, Shuri, thank you," you swoon at the gesture. that's another thing you adored about Shuri. She was so attentive. she knew everything about you & incorporated that information into thoughtful gestures like those. It seemed small but it made your day. "Anything for you, nkosazana." she says, sealing her statement with a wink. There that word went again. Princess. It was like she was taunting you. you smiled bleakly, and made your way to bathroom. the words lingered in your mind. did she mean anything?

as the hot water steams up the bathroom and falls against your skin, rinsing it of the dove body wash it was lathered with, your mind began to wander again. you began to have flash backs. when the two of you first met, your first 1 on 1 hang out, the shows she'd come see you perform in, her taking you to meet her family back in Wakanda. You felt safe in her presence. Comfortable, relaxed, inspired. Beautiful. Something you haven't felt in someone for a really long time. And it hit you. You were in love with Shuri Udaku. You weren't sure what to do with that information. It would mean two things, forcing you to face the truth; One, you were attracted to women. And two, your relationship with Jalen wasn't at all what you painted it out to be all these years. Oddly enough, you still felt bad for carrying on the way you knew you were about to. Not that bad though. after your shower, you walk back into Shuri'’s room, seeing her in her tank & a pair of boxers, at her desk, finishing up some last minute work drafts like the workaholic she was. you knock lightly and break her focus. "Hey," you say meekly, and before you know it, you're back into tears. "Hey, hey, hey, come here. " Shuri quickly pulls you into her lap. "Fuck him. I want you to fully process your emotions, but I don't wanna see two many tears shed over that waste. unless they are tears of joy, of course." she rubs the sides of your shoulders and kisses the back of them. but it wasn't even that. the truth was, you were overwhelmed. of course it hurt seeing what you saw earlier. but through all that turmoil, the only thing you could seem to think of was your feelings for Shuri. "Shuri-," you say, through a sob. "What is it my love, talk to me." Shuri's face grew with concern as she positioned you to now be face to face with her. "I think I'm in love with you," you manage to get out, eyes overflowing with tears. Shuri's reaction was mixed with shock, relief, and excitement. she had been in love with you since she meant you. It had been hell to pretend like she wasn't. she was equally allured by the content of your character as she was your pretty face and equally perfect figure. sure, she was a little jealous watching you be with someone else, but it wasn't jealousy alone. she knew Jalen wasn't shit. It just had to come up in the physical form. “Oh, Thank Bast.” Shuri says, exhaling heavily.

you playfully tap her shoulder.

“Shuri, I’m serious!” you say, almost pouting.

“I know, I know. All jokes aside, you don’t know how happy I am to hear those words from you.” she says lowly, staring into your eyes.

“Really?” you say, not knowing what to think of the situation just of yet.

“Really.” she confirms. “I’ve been in love with you since I met you, Y/F/N.”

hearing those words sent a rush all over your body. if you could be desired by anyone, especially in that way, it would be Shuri. a woman of her beauty and intelligence being enamored by you was way more than flattering. The more time passed, the more your arousal grew hungrily. "So come show me." your response sounding more lewd than intended.

you positioned your body to sit on one of her legs. you grab her face and bring it towards you, kissing her slow and passionately. you both moan into the kiss, breaking the tension that had been so heavily building over the night. a wave of bliss washes over you immediately. as you deepen the kiss, Shuri’s hands travel up your sides and lands on your ass. you slide your hands up the back of her neck and tug lightly at her head of curls. you adjust yourself, purposely separating the boundary of your wrapped towel and your lower region, and you begin to grind your clit against her thigh. you could feel the secretion sliding between your skin.

“Y/N..” Shuri leaves a light moan onto your lips, lifting up for air. "Yes?" you begin kissing down her neck, lightly sucking. "I-is this okay?" Shuri could barely get out. "We don't have to"

you stood up, still hovering over her and peeled off your towel, dropping it to the floor. you take her finger swipe it across your entrance, allowing her to feel the mess she was beginning to create. you sucked yourself off of her, keeping your gaze onto her. "Does that answer your question, Princess?" you say, in an almost sinister tone. "Fuck.." Shuri trailed off, pleasantly surprised at your behavior. without any further question, she lifts you up with one arm and walks you over to the bed, laying you down. you wanted her so bad. this would be your first time with a woman, and although you were nervous, you were ready. you could easily figure out what she liked. you seen it in your dreams a million times. Shuri began kissing you all over your face, traveling down to your neck, eventually stopping at your chest. she hovers over your right nipple, the breeze from her breath causing you to jolt. she slides her hand up your torso and cups your other breast, lightly tugging on the nipple. she slightly drops her jaw, allowing her dribble to fall and coat your puffed nipple. she cleans it up before it droops below the surface. simultaneously, she drives her knee in between your legs, just close enough for the tip of her knee and your clit to kiss. you gasp at the quick exchange, your body squirming under her touch, semi-begging for more. "Stop teasing me, Shuri, please," you breath out. "Mm, mm." she shakes her head, detaching her lips from around your areola. "I've been waiting a long time for you. I'm taking my time. " she gives some attention your other nipple before traveling down your torso. she makes sure not to leave any skin on your body unloved. she wanted the way she truly felt to translate through her actions. she tugged you by the inside of your knees, pulling you closer to the end up of the bed, and kneeled down in front of your heat. "Shuriiii," you whined out, aching for her to do something. "What is it, usana?" she says, wanting you to be vocal. she was so deeply grateful to have heard you say the things she had only dreamt. "What do you need from me?" you had absolutely no problem being vocal. all your guilt, sadness, and confusion was out the window. all you wanted now was to make her feel how she made you in your dreams. sitting up on your forearms, you lock eyes with her, "put your mouth on her, please." "Yes, my love." she breaks eye contact with you and makes eye contact with your folds. "Hey, pretty girl," she cooes over your entrance. the seductive introduction made you melt like putty. She slides her two fingers up your slit, separating your folds, and exposing your now pulsating clit. In one quick motion, she wraps her pretty, royal lips around it and gives it a french kiss. "Yesss, fuck!--" you cry out. you been yearning for this moment, and seeing it come into fruition was driving you insane. still eating, shuri hums inside you, sending the vibrations through you. she slowly slides her fingers inside and begins pumping. you could feel the love at the end of her tongue, and you feel your eyes begin to well up. you throw your head back in intense pleasure. she taps the side of your hip twice, coming up to speak. "aht, aht. keep those pretty eyes on me, gorgeous" demanding your attention, still pumping. soon as your tear-filled eyes, meet hers, she adds another finger and begins to twist. "Ahh!" you pierce out a glass crushing scream, grabbing the sheet so hard you almost pop it off its corner. "I can't--" she silences your protest, shushing loudly, "yes you can baby, hold it for me, yeah?" wanting to be good for her, you just gave a weak nod. she lowers her lips back to your super sensitive bud, now edging it with the flat of her tongue. the combination of the two movements immediately tossed your stomach into knots, signaling a releasing creeping. "Shuri, I'm going to fucking cum--" you say through exhausted breath and gritted teeth. her expectations of you holding anything would soon be met with disappointment.

"I know baby, just a little while longer," she attempts to soothe you, failing terribly. she sucks one more time, slightly tugging at it, making the popping noise at the release. she takes her thumb and uses it as replacement for where her mouth was and uses her free hand to push your knees to your chest.

your legs involuntarily began to tremble and you knew you could hold it no longer.

"Baby," you gasp out, in a warning tone.

"come on, let it out." she gives you the green light and on command, you immediately pour out onto Shuri's fingers.

"Such a good fucking girl." she praises, and you ride out your O off of her fingers. she takes them out and lowers herself to your lips, giving you her fingers for the two of you to share. "You taste so good." she exclaims, moaning to herself.

you're a whimpering, moaning mess. you've never felt such an intense feeling in all the years your were in a relationship with that man. it awakens something in you, and you're ready to do whatever to make Shuri happy.

sitting up with her towering you, you and the Princess collaborate in lifting her shirt over her head. you take time admiring her slim but toned body and her small, perky and stiff breasts.

"You are so beautiful, Shuri." You say looking up to her, so very sincerely. she was really ethereal in every way. she had an androgynous vibe to her, being equally as pretty as she was handsome.

" I am a reflection of you, mhlobo wam." she replies before lifting your chin, placing a peck onto your lips. she always knew what to say.

you slide your fingers around the brim of her shorts before pulling them down, being greeted with her black boxers, being soaked at the front.

"Oh shit," you chuckle. "It's like that?" you look up at the now flustered girl. It was funny, but cute. as quick as she could be in control was as quick as she could become coy.

"It's not my fault," she says in a pouty tone. "You're just so--"

In the midst of her talking, you slip her out her boxers, lift her leg, and rest her foot on the tall bed post that stood beside you, exposing her pretty and dripping two-toned cunt. your eyebrows raised, surprised at her flexibility.

you let out a secluded breath, loving what you saw in front of you. "So..?" you ask, tauntingly, sliding your thumb up and down her middle.

“—Sexy.” her breath stifles, and her chest began to heave up and down.

“you think i’m sexy?” you taunt even further, now dipping your thumb in every one and again, enjoying watching her squirm.

“Y-yes,” her hips disobey her attempt to keep cool and begin bucking up.

“How sweet. Let me say, thank you.” you palm her plump bottom with both hands and pull your lips closer to her sweet spot. you lick a straight path from the bottom of her opening up and to the top and make a quick circle around her clit, sealing it with a kiss.

“Ohhh my f— Y/N..” Shuri felt as if she began to float. she had the prettiest girl at her mercy, and now she had her at her own. to see her underneath her, wanting her in the same way— the thought alone was enough for her cum.

“Tell me how you like it, Princess. Teach me.” you plead, wanting nothing more than to make her feel how she just made you. your eagerness to learn her body made her all the more excited to continue.

like a magnet, you attached your lips onto her second pair, and she guides you right where she wants you.

“Right there. S-slow, please.” she almost begs.

as asked, you rolled your tongue around her bud slowly. painfully slow. you were pleased with her taste & moaned in confirmation.

“Ughh,” her breathing becoming more unsteady, “Fuck, that feels so good, nkosazana.” proud and driven by the praise you were just given, you speed up your pace, just a little. this time, making it sloppy and shaking your head in it. you raise a finger and trace it along her entrance, waiting for the confirmation that it was okay. she nods.

you strike a finger up briskly, tongue still attacking her clit.

“Yes!” she cries out, holding a tighter grip on the sides of your head. you give a few more pumps before slipping another finger, eager to send her over. pushing deeper and deeper, you notice her juices begin to trickle down your fingers.

“are you close, my love?”you chase her expressions for an answer.

“I’m so close, please don’t stop,” she whimpers out as you keep pumping. her eyes shut tight and her leg began to shake. she was a whimpering little thing. it was different from her normal, calm, masculine presenting energy. and you loved it.

you increase the pressure of your sucking and soon after you feel a rush of creamy substance floating down your tongue like a river. she sobs out as she comes down from her first O.

“Mmm.” you vocalize your satisfaction with her flavor. “thank you, princess.” you feel yourself oozing at the sight of her squirm.

“who— taught.. you.. that,” She says in between each gasp for air. you laugh at her possessive energy but flattered that your succeeded at your first attempt to please her.

gaining some of your leg strength back, you fall back on the bad, pulling Shuri on top of you and rolling over so that you were on top. you thought about this so many times and was ready to try it.

you spread her legs and lower your wet and pulsating clit to meet hers. feeling the warm & gushy sensation between you to caused you both to gasp at the same time.

“You so fucking nasty, my God.” Shuri groans aggressively, staring into your soul.

“For you. You damn right.” you bite back. you swooned at thought of being her fantasy. you were laying it all out for her, making her long term attraction worth it.

you held yourself up slightly, rocking back and forth, tribbing the nucleus of her treasure.

“That pussy feels so good on mine, fuck,” you moan, wanting to throw your head back but also not wanting to miss any reactions, for they were the navigator of your success rate.

“Shit!” her pretty brown eyes beginning to gloss over with water. she couldn’t believe how submissive she was acting, but she even more so couldn’t believe how filthy you were, especially involving her. you also couldn’t believe it either. to have never been with a woman, being with Shuri in this way felt so natural.

“Y/N please!” she cried out, grabbing your neck, pulling you forehead to forehead, the heart shaped herb necklace she gifted you now dangling in her face.

thrusting harder, you reach your hand up and massage her left breast, grazing her nipples with the edges of your nails.

the two of your bodies moved in the same patterns like a missing puzzle piece. you grabbed her by her face and kissed her passionately. uncontrollably moaning your mouth, she begins to cry, this time, letting her emotions take over her.

“I’m cumming, please, I can’t take anymore,” she reaches out to push your torso further away, but her hands are quickly pinned down over her head.

“I’m almost there baby, hold on.” You coo sweetly, noticing her begin to get overstimulated. You continue to thrust, picking up the pace to speed up your orgasm, talking Shuri through.

Shuri’s eyes began to roll back and her mouth was agape for so long from her silent cries, she started to drool.

“Shit,” you feel yourself getting ready to release. The sight of her under your control sped up the process by a whole lot. “I’m cumming, I’m cumming—fuck!” you began to whimper. By the time your juices flow out, Shuri let out a piercing screech, squirting all over you.

Shuri was now sobbing and shaking, violently. You wipe her tears and kiss all over her face, now laying beside her.

“I know baby, I know. Let it out,” you continue to kiss her and rub her to calm her down.

“I—I” she tries to vocalize something, but still hasn’t come down yet.

“Take your time, no need to rush.” you reassure her, still slightly out of breath yourself. you help her regulate her breathing and she finally makes out her sentence.

“I need to fuck you. Now.” she growled.

if she hadn’t before, the desire now was through the roof. this was the most aggressive you’d ever seen her-- also the most vulgar-- and after the damage you had just done to her, you were excited, but nervous to see how she would handle you.

her wobbly legs refraining her from being able to move as fast as she could, she hops up and limps over to her dresser draw, opening the top draw and taking out a pretty black, blue and silver strap. the design on it mimicking what would be the inside of a gadget. by it’s shiny and potent structure, you knew it was made of vibranium.

she slips the harness around her hips, tightening both ends to secure it, arms flexing in the process. effortlessly turning you on with every move.

“Come here, duchess.” she motions you over with two fingers. you immediately oblige, following her lead like a lost puppy.

she leads you over to the large mirror that resided on the wall on the other side of the bed. she swipes the slick from the middle of your entrance and uses it to lube up the tool.

“The safe word, is mango.” She began, looking at you through the mirror. “If it’s too much or it hurts, say that word, and i’ll stop immediately. Got it?”

you bite your lip nervously, and nod, doubting that you would ever be using it.

“Words, princess.” She says sternly, lifting up your chin.

“Y-yes.” you breathily respond. and just like that, you were back under her spell, ready to be used anyway she desired.

“There’s my girl.” She smirks before positioning herself behind you. something about her referring to you as her girl made your stomach erupt with butterflies.

you bent over and braced yourself on the mirror and suddenly you felt a poke at your entrance.

“You ready?” she asks. you nod way too eagerly. “I’m gonna count to 3… 1–“

before she ever got to two she slides her length up your canal and you gasp super sharply.

“Shuri!” you half moan, half growl, feeling good but snapping at her for cutting your time to prepare.

“Shh, you got it, come on,” she coaches. Shuri stroked her length in and out of you, slow and long, building up your anticipation.

“Shit!,” you spat, bitting down on your lip, adjusting to her length.

shuri had been developing this piece for a long time. she also was secretly restricting it for you, not knowing if you’d ever actually be together. but the very few times she did have other partners, she’d only use the regular silicone strap for them. only a woman of a certain poise and power was worthy of the contraption, and in this case, that woman was you. her intombi entle.

she had designed it to feel as close to skin as possible. she wanted you to feel the intimacy just as she did, being that she also designed it to allow her to feel you.

as she pumped in and out of you, your walls tightly clenched around her, almost fighting to keep her inside.

“Ugh,” Shuri grunted aloud. “Pussy so fucking tight.”

“Oh God,” you slur out. as your body was working overtime to stay cool, you feel yourself beginning to sweat profusely. your freshly done silk press now glued to your shoulders. “You feel so fucking good”

The Princess swiftly grabs your arms and folds them, locking them behind you. She holds up your perfect frame, forcing you to look at you both in the mirror.

“Look how pretty you look taking this dick, hmm?” she says lowly in your ear while speeding up her pace.

“Oh, fuck,” not having any control over what happens now, you begin to panic, the knot you now knew to be so familiar beginning to arise in your stomach.

“Say it. I wanna hear you,” she demands.

“Shuri, please,” you beg her to go easy on you, but she wasn’t having it. She gives an electrifying smack to your ass.

“Say. It.” She says through grit teeth, now with one hand full of your hair, slamming into you harder, directly on your g spot.

“I— aghhh!” you fight to get the words out. “I l-look s-so pretty taking th— this dick!”

she smiles sinisterly and quickly agrees. “Mm, yes you do.”

a question you usually scoff at arises, however, it’s a pleasure to hear the next sentence come from Shuri’s lips.

“Who’s pussy is this? Hm?” she knew exactly how to get you riled up. She so badly yearned to hear you surrender to her after watching you with someone else all this time. especially someone who didn’t deserve you.

“It’s yours, Shuri,” your words began to spill over like a fountain in sonic moans. “It’s yours, I’m yours, I belong to you!”

it was music to Shuri’s ears. you were hers. you said it, and that’s all the confirmation she needed.

“and don’t you ever fucking forget,” she spat.

hearing the royal speak so filthy and so rough was so shocking yet so enticing. her every word carried you closer and closer to your whit’s end.

still stroking, she yanks your head back and passionately kisses you, swallowing all your moans.

stomach tight, shuri’s strokes began to get sloppy, feeling your constant contract and release. she was quickly approaching her arrival.

“Shhhhuri, I’m about to—“ you began, almost snatching the words out her mouth.

“Cum. Cum with me, my pretty girl.” she gives 4 more sloppy pumps before she slides out, cumming all over herself; but not before you left a creamy, white ring all around her base. as soon as she comes out completely, you squirt out all over her lower region; something you had never done before. you squeal, in shock and excitement.

“You did such a good job, usana” Shuri pecks your lips and taps your slightly bruised ass. you beam at the praise she gives. she picks you up and carries you to the bed, gently laying you down before slipped off her harness and climbing in with you.

draping the covers over your naked bodies, you cuddle into Shuri, placing your head on her chest and she pulls you in closer. you throw your leg over her lower torso to get close as possible. you both listen to each other’s breath slowly come down to its original state. Shuri picks up and holds your hand that was previously laying on her chest, and kisses it. At peace and well satisfied, you feel yourself begin to drift off to sleep.

“not you falling asleep already,” Shuri laughs, mockingly.

usually you’d protest, but you let her rock on this one.

“I love you so much.” you mummur, gazing up at Shuri.

“I love you so much more. Thank you for trusting me with your body.” She says sincerely.

“I trust you with my life.” you say authentically as ever, overcome with feelings of euphoria.

“I trust you with mine.” she replies, almost instantly.

shuri lifts her hand, inviting you to do the handshake your friend group had made. the two added a special ending that nobody new about. the two of you share a blissful laugh at the comedic ending of it.

“Alright, my love, get some sleep.” Shuri rubs small circles on your back with one hand and rubs the leg thrown over her with the other.

“You got a boyfriend to break up with tomorrow.”

[horanghaeluvsinniehae]

SKZ!BFF DRUNKLY CONFESSING PT.2 pt.1 ||BANG CHAN||LEE MINHO||SEO CHANGBIN||HWANG HYUNJIN||HAN JISUNG||LEE FELIX||KIM SEUNGMIN||YANG JEONGIN||

Disclaimer: overthinking(i think)

Your mind decided to play games on you…overthinking the texts you’ve just sent to each other. He said he’d like to clear things up. Does that mean he was just drunk and didn’t mean a word? He wants to make sure you know that he doesn’t like you and that it was just a big mistake??

You’ve had a crush on him for over a year now and all you ever dreamed of is to have a chance with him. Sadly for you it’s hard to figure Seungmin out, he doesn’t wear his heart out on his sleeve. That’s the reason why you haven’t confessed to him yet, you never know how he’s feeling about you.

You snapped out of your thoughts and looked down on your appearance. As soon as you realised what you're wearing you quickly ran to change. One time Seungmin left a t-shirt at your house when all of the boys were here and since then you wear it when he does something that messes with your head. You haven’t told him about his forgotten shirt so you don’t have to give it back…

After you changed into your own clothes and washed your face with cold water to freshen up you heard your doorbell ring. It could only be him at the door because he’s the only one who uses the doorbell instead of knocking. You took a deep breath, not knowing what’s going to happen after you open the door, you were quite anxious. You opened the door and there he stood, looking unusually nervous.

“Hi Seungmin!” You greeted him happily, all your thoughts from earlier quieting down. “Hi y/n!” He smiled at you, but something seemed off, like he was shy? He didn’t act like the Seungmin you’re used to. Usually he barges into the house right after you open the door for him (he lost his key privileges a while ago), but now he waits for you to let him in.

“Come in Seung!” You told him and gestured with your hand to come through the door. He gave you a rather awkward hug, it wasn’t a full engulfing hug, but not a side hug either…then happened the most non-seungmin thing he has ever done. Seungmin took off his shoes then did a 90-degree bow to you, but not just for a moment, no he stayed there until you talked to him.

“Seungmin, what are you doing??” He kept the bow as he talked to you. “Y/nah im soo deeply sorry for yesterday night…i was drinking irresponsibly and-.” He stopped for a moment and stood up normally, not bowing anymore. “-I like you a lot and this is not how i wanted to confess to you, but I created this situation for myself…if you don't like me that’s totally okay and I don’t expect you to fall into my arms. I just wanted to come over so i can apologise for this whole mess.” He finished talking and looked down, so he won't have to look you in the eyes.

To say you were shocked would be an understatement, you didn’t even think of this outcome as an option. You were frozen in place and only snapped out when you heard Seungmin sigh and turn around to go to the door. You wordlessly ran after him, stood in front of him for half a second then hugged him so tightly that it was hard for him to move. You buried your face into his chest not wanting him to disappear.

“Kim Seungmin, I like you so much you can’t imagine. Please don't go anywhere.” You tell him and at that he puts his arms around you just as tightly as you hold him.“I won’t leave y/nah don’t worry. And I'm so happy that you like me back.” He said and kissed the top of your head.

You were lucky you had your face was covered because if he saw how red your face was he’d tease you forever. But it didn’t really matter because Seungmin was yours now.

A/N: I don’t care of i sound desperate, but i really want you guys to request because i don’t have much ideas(literally like zero) but i love writing!! So please even if you have a small idea or just a thought or a big idea please write it to me in the requests!! Here’s my guide how to request so no-one will be sad that I didn’t do theirs for some reason!&lt;3 I’m sorry again and I hope this one brings some smiles to you and thank you for reading my work!!Please take care of yourselves and be safe!❤️‍🩹

taglist: @justwonder113 (if you want to be on it either comment or write in requests please<;3)

[trillscienceofficer]

from Cinefantastique Volume 28 #4-5, November 1996

KLINGON ENGINEER: Roxann Biggs-Dawson as B'Elanna Torres gives heart to the hard-working Maquis engineer.

By Anna L. Kaplan

A bedroom scene between B'Elanna Torres (Roxann Biggs-Dawson) and Commander Chakotay (Robert Beltran) appeared in the second season VOYAGER episode, "Persistence of Vision." This scene provoked a very loud and negative response from fans. A surprised Biggs-Dawson laughed and said, "So many people gave me so much flak about that, as if I had written it. It was amazing, the letters, and the comments. Mostly the women really spoke out strongly against it, and felt that it was a weak cop-out. I totally disagreed with that."

In the episode, an alien was able to subdue the crew and put them into trance-like states by mind control, whereby each individual believed himself to be with someone extremely psychologically important. Tuvok, for example, joined his wife on Vulcan, while Tom Paris saw his father. B'Elanna, hard at work in engineering and determined to save the ship, found herself talking to Chakotay, apparently, who convinced her to stop work and join him. While she knew it was not really Chakotay, and said so, B'Elanna succumbed to the temptation.

Noted Biggs-Dawson, "I felt that the strength of that alien, the way he could get to us as humans, was that he understands the deep need, whether you're a Vulcan, or a half-Klingon or whatever, that we all have to love and to be loved. The things that would put us into those trances were those very deep needs. I think for B'Elanna, it wasn't a reflection of a direct attraction to Chakotay. He represents so much to her, a father figure, a mentor, her teacher, her coworker, and he is an attractive man. I think it was a desire to give in to a side that she does not give into easily, and that was what caused her particular trance. I don't think that necessarily means that he is always on her mind. It probably took her by surprise as much as it did the audience. It was more of a reflection of her need to please, to fulfill, all of these things are very real, very human.

"At [STAR TREK] conventions, a lot of people [were] feeling that the writers just felt that the only thing B'Elanna was about, was being in love with Chakotay. That wasn't what the message was at all. I didn't read it that way when I read the script. It did say something about all of the characters who succumbed to those needs of wanting to love and to be loved, those things that we shove away, and push away, and don't want to deal with." It is readily apparent that Biggs-Dawson thinks a lot about B'Elanna Torres and what makes her the person she is. She noted about the second season, "I think it's been interesting. I've had some interesting costars, one was a computer, and one was a mechanical man. I'm waiting for them to give me a real person to play off of." She laughed. "I keep joking. I had an episode last season where I played opposite myself, then opposite a machine, then opposite a machine with my voice. So it's obviously a theme. Hopefully [this] year I get to talk to a real person. The second season episodes the actress is referring to were "Prototype" and "Dreadnought." She noted more seriously, "When I saw both 'Prototype' and 'Dreadnought' they scared me a bit, because it was going to be difficult to pull off. I think the end result was that we found some interest- ing themes I didn't know were there in the beginning." In "Prototype" Torres repairs a robot whose creators are gone. The robot then wants her to make new robots. Biggs-Dawson observed, "So much of 'Prototype' was the only way B'Elanna could deal with her own mothering instincts and creation [instincts]. At this point in her development, probably the only way that she can confront her feelings and herself, is through the creation and adoption of a mechanical being, of a robot, and to be as excited about that as some people [are] about children or other kinds of creation."

In "Dreadnought" Voyager encounters a Cardassian missile whose computer Torres had reprogrammed when she was a Maquis, using her own voice for the computer. She has to stop it from destroying a highly populated planet. Said Torres [sic, the author meant Dawson], "'Dreadnought' was an interesting challenge because it was very much dealing with who B'Elanna used to be, confronting her former self. She was forced to see how much she had changed, and who she was at the time. She was forced to battle that in a very, very tangible way. That I found to be the most interesting: think I had most of my revelations when I went in to do the computer voice. As I was recording that side of the episode, later on, there was a real sense of growing to understand who I was before, who B'Elanna was who was actually programming all that stuff into the computer."

Biggs-Dawson likes B'Elanna Torres. She said about B'Elanna, "She makes mistakes. I love that the writers allow her to be flawed and fallible. I think that's what makes her so interesting. So often on television you have these characters that are playing all good or all evil, and they battle it. Here you've got this character that is a little bit of both, which I think we all are. Her decisions and her struggles, what makes them so human, in a way, [is that] there is often not a definite right and a wrong. There's a lot of gray area in there, and I think that's where B'Elanna lives." Biggs-Dawson has some ideas about how to explore her character, but hasn't yet approached the show's producers or writers to discuss them. "We can say whatever we want, whether anything's ever done about it, that's another story," she said, laughing. "They're very open to listening to us. I actually haven't felt the need to discuss the future of my character with them at all, because I feel like so far they've been very much in line. It's only been in the last few weeks that I've had some desires or thoughts that I might want to approach them about. But it's really been the first time in this two year process that I might want to go to them and say, 'Why don't we look at this side of her character. We want to explore this.' I think in the beginning, they hand you a character. They know so much more about this character than you do. Now it's been two years and she's starting to meld vith me. I think they understand that. As we play these characters, we start to almost take them, and they become ours, and our insights mean that much more."

The versatile and talented Biggs-Dawson, who played Diana in A Chorus Line on Broadway, has film credits which include DARKMAN II and GUILTY BY SUSPICION, and has appeared on such television shows as MATLOCK, THE UNTOUCHABLES, and POINTMAN. As B'Elanna Torres in VOYAGER, she hopes to inspire and teach, something that has always been possible on a STAR TREK series. She speculated about the future on VOYAGER, "It's important, as relationships develop, and I hope they will, that being a strong woman doesn't mean that you can't have a partner, or you can't show romantic feelings toward the opposite sex. I think that the rules have to be redefined. To think that in order to be strong you have to be alone the rest of your life is kind of frightening, and I hope that STAR TREK will be at the forefront of showing a new kind of woman, who will redefine the love relationships between male and female. I'd like to see that."

But facing the hiatus before third season, she is ready for some time off, which she said she will use, "Mostly to relax. I've go a few conventions, and a couple little vacations planned. But I think mostly to relax, it goes by so quickly."

[literaryvein-reblogs]

October Letters: Franz Kafka

Excerpts from Franz Kafka's letters to Felice Bauer:

13 October 1912

And do letters really get lost except in the mind of one waiting for them and unable to find another explanation?

But why haven’t you written to me?

I write this letter not so much in the hope of a reply as to discharge a duty toward myself.

23 October 1912

At least I now know that, even if letters get lost, I am allowed to write to you.

I am restless and cannot pull myself together; I am in the mood for continual and, as it were, circular complaining, although today is no longer yesterday; but the accumulation will overflow and liberate itself into better days.

24 October 1912

Of course it is impossible to tell me everything, but then everything is impossible.

On the contrary, I was relatively content to feel I was being left alone.

So many years went by without a word from you, and now it looks as though another month of oblivion is to be thrown in quite unnecessarily.

27 October 1912

I can be more cheerful, but not today; the rain has deprived me of my Sunday walk; spent—which only seems to contradict my first sentence—half the day in bed, the best place for sadness and reflection.

Shall I get up and stop writing? But perhaps you can see through it all that I am indeed very happy, in which case I can stay here and go on writing.

Out in the street I lapsed at once into one of my not altogether unusual states of semitrance, when I see nothing clearly, except my own worthlessness.

29 October 1912

I wish you would let me know about all this in five lines, so that rather than having to write and think about it any more, we could look at and listen to each other calmly, without self-reproach, you in your goodness and understanding, I in the way I must.

Thinking that I may have deprived you of a walk, that again is intolerable.

31 October 1912

I read the letter once, put it aside, and read it again.

With warmest greetings, and I kiss your hand, if that is permitted.

29 October 1913

At a certain depth, though not at the deepest, there is nothing I want more than to be swept toward you.

At a certain depth, though not at the deepest, there is nothing I want more than to be swept toward you.

But this is not all that’s going on inside me. My longing for you is such that it presses on my breast like tears that cannot be wept.

For weeks past I have been making plans for Christmas, in an effort to scrape together the sum total of happiness at the last moment.

In the seminar yesterday I stared at a girl for an hour because she bore a faint resemblance to you.

Late October 1914

Needless to say, I am ready at your first call, and would have replied without fail and by return to your earlier letter if I had received it.

In me there have always been, and still are, two selves wrestling with each other....

This is how it is, Felice. And yet they are locked in combat, and yet they could both be yours; the trouble is that they cannot be changed unless both were to be destroyed.

01 October 1916

Rotten, rotten night, partly your doing—dream doing.

28 October 1916

At one point I had to stop reading, sit down on the sofa, and weep.

It’s years since I wept.

16 October 1917

When I said: “So you are here? I was looking for you everywhere,” you answered: “But I heard your voice indoors only a moment ago.” Except for a few insignificant words we hardly spoke to each other again, although we continued to stand on the steps for quite a while, gazing out over the Ringplatz.

You were unhappy about the pointlessness of your journey, about my incomprehensible behavior, about everything.

I was not unhappy. “Happy,” on the other hand, would have been a very false description of my condition. I was tormented, but not unhappy; I did not feel the whole tragedy as much as I saw it, recognized it, and diagnosed it in its immensity which surpasses all my strength (my strength as a living man at least); and in this knowledge I remained relatively calm, my lips shut tight, very tight.

Excerpts from Franz Kafka's letters to Grete Bloch:

29 October 1913

And as I am sure you realize, there is confusion enough within me.

15 October 1914

You do say that I hate you; but this isn’t true. If everyone were to hate you, I wouldn’t hate you.

In fact I was sitting in your place, which to this day I have not left.

Excerpts from Franz Kafka's letters to Milena Jesenská:

22 October 1920

I'm also sure I'll stay in Vienna and that we will see one another.

Now it's almost certain I will leave.

27 October 1920

After that we were one, there was no more talk of knowing one another, and then once again we were split.

For the first time in years I was in bed as early as 9:45.

I was almost sad when I didn't see it Monday.

[whxre-bxby]

"Can You Take It?"

Recom Lyle Wainfleet x human f. Y/N

Masterlist

Summary: Lyle and Y/N starting to date and trying to fit him for the first time.

WARNINGS: SMUT, NSFW, fluff, penetration, f. oral receiving, size difference, belly bulge,

I let my emotions and love for Lyle loose, enjoy me making us a total emotional wreck

Word Count: 6793

If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would have a crush on a blue alien from another planet, I would have probably had a mental breakdown. But it’s true. 

I signed up for the military the same year they announced that the U.S. would be sending workers to Pandora. Everyone knew about Pandora. It was a huge planet that could almost always be seen in the sky from Earth. At the time I was young but they let me aboard the spaceship a few years later. 

I’ve been here for just over a year now as a part of the Air Force. Recently, the RDA had started and completed its mission of creating recombinants from the memories of passed-away soldiers. It’s meant to be the first big step in ‘taming’ Pandora. 

The day after they had been woken the recoms were already sent on a mission out into the world. The General had assistants organise their departure and arrival. 

I just happened to have a day off on that day until I was ordered to have my aircraft ready in 10 minutes. Of course, there is no discussion or complaining with the General so I listened. 

Two of the recoms, who I learned later were Colonel Quaritch and Lieutenant Wainfleet, followed her in her big mechanical suit towards the break room near the garage for all planes, jets, and helicopters.

She held the door open and called my name.

I was playing pool with a few of my friends when I heard her voice and everyone immediately stood straight. I did too, slowly leaning away from the table and resting the stick on the ground. 

“This is Y/N. Best we got to offer so far.” The General said and even though she was talking about me like some show car, I felt a sense of pride in my chest. 

I look at her and she gives me a quick smile before turning away from me. 

“Get your chopper ready, take off in 10!” she called over her shoulder and I nodded. I watched her leave which made me notice the recoms with her. I haven’t ever seen a real Na’vi in front of me, only on the screen. Well, they weren’t that real they were Avatars but it was close enough. I noticed how they wore our uniforms and then my eyes met the Lieutenants. 

He eyed me while I examined him and it wasn’t unfriendly or friendly. But when he walked away I smiled to myself. 

I was prepared in 9 minutes and put my helmet on, leaning against my helicopter. It was assigned to me and I loved it. 

The recom team emerged from the facility while my plane already waited outside. The Colonel nodded at me and I nodded back before stepping in. My co-pilot was already inside and moments later we took off. 

That’s how I met Lyle. I would fly them to where they needed to go. 

We never talked. The only communication we held was the occasional glances. 

Soon, the looking turned into nodding our heads at each other as a greeting and later that turned into friendly smiling. 

The first time we spoke, he initiated it. I was getting the plane ready for their upcoming mission and he came out half an hour early. 

I smiled at him and then he introduced himself. We had a nice conversation and he offered to help me prep the plane. 

Things went smoothly after that.

Lyle would often visit me during the days when he wasn't in the forest. It was a little odd for me in the beginning, given the fact that we were so different by looks. He was twice as tall, blue, had a tail and all these other animal-like features. I was surprised by how quickly I warmed up to him and he was happy he found someone other than one of his blue teammates he could spend time with.

Even though they were the RDA's Avatars, people would still avoid them. The fact that your face lit up when you saw Lyle had him feeling happy and warm. 

Soon, seeing you would become the highlight of his day and the other way around for you too. A reason why you two clicked so well was that your personalities fit together well. He used to be a soldier too so there wasn't much of a difference except for the looks.

We started having long talks where we would just unload all our stress. There wasn't anywhere private we could really go so we started sitting in my helicopter together. It helped build the trust between us and it definitely strengthened the friendship.

Lyle would tell me about his mission and after a few more times of us meeting, he let me know that he couldn't be sure he would return from every mission. In a way, no human on Pandora could either but they were being put in more dangerous situations than we were. I knew there used to be 12 of them and each time they returned, a few were never seen again. I was always relieved to see Lyle but I knew that the missions took a toll on him. There was less of his usual happiness and joking each time he came back.

Once Lyle realised that he was romantically interested in you, he was very clear and upfront about it. He had been thinking things over late at night as usual and decided to tell you right away the next time he saw you.

I was surprised when Lyle confessed but also grateful. I was the kind of person who would have trouble expressing these things so having him do it first was a relief. 

Lyle boldly told me how he felt, going into detail about the things he liked about me and why I was special to him which had me blushing. Then he started explaining that I didn't have to go with any of this and that I could just say no now because 1. He was permanently an Avatar and 2. He couldn't promise me he would come back every time. 

I confessed too, telling him how much I liked having him around and how much he grew on me. Lyle was surprised by this and he questioned me to make sure I was certain. The last thing he wanted was to make me feel uncomfortable. 

Once we cleared the air things went well. We continued to meet up in my helicopter and sometimes we would go there during the late evenings to talk and hold each other. Lyle became my safe space. I could retreat to him and be comfortable in his presence. He felt the same way with me and neither of us has been happier. 

During our sessions, we would hold each other and we’ve kissed a few times already. We had one make-out session but Lyle ended it by saying that it was late.

Today was one of the days when we would meet at night. Sometimes we would have trouble sleeping or we just wanted to see each other. Except this time, Lyle offered that we could stay in his room. It was spacey because he required more room so I happily agreed. 

I walked through the dimly lit and empty hallways which usually are buzzing with people during the day until I reached the recom’s quarters. Lyle waited outside the main entrance to their rooms so I wouldn’t get lost and once I saw him I felt relieved. 

“Hey, Buttercup.” he whispered as we walked to each other. I wrapped my arms around his waist as we hugged.

“Hi.” I mumble, burying my face into his shirt while he holds my head against him. The height difference made hugging almost impossible so this is how we usually did it. 

“You okay?” he asked, wondering why I wasn’t letting him go. I smile at him. 

Lyle chuckled softly, petting my head before we turned to walk to his room. He held my hand and led the way through the dark. His eyes were more trained for night vision so I trusted him. 

“You smell good.” 

It was a nice evening. We sat on his bed and talked as usual. I’ve never been in his room before and since everything was run by the RDA it wasn’t very personalised. But I felt like it was a step forward in our relationship. 

At some point, I felt touch deprived and I leaned against him, curling my arms around his huge and bulky one. 

Lyle loved it when I would initiate contact and show affection to him. It was a reminder that I felt the same way he did because he often doubted things. 

He sighed, finishing his rant about his worries about his new mission. I wanted to comfort him and embrace him more so I kneeled on the bed, straddling his waist but not sitting down. Lyle watched me with amusement as I fought to get around him and eventually, I just threw myself on him and we both fell back on the mattress with chuckles and giggles. He tightly wrapped his arms around me, holding me firmly against him while I lay stretched out on top of him. 

“I’m sorry you have to deal with all that.” I softly say, resting my chin on his chest and looking up at him. He gives me an appreciative smile. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, baby. It’s all good.” Lyle replies, stroking his hand through my hair and brushing down the strands that covered my face. 

“Can I do anything to help?” I ask, wondering whether he has any requests I can fulfil to make him feel better. Maybe cuddling or I could attempt a massage. He loved it when I would trace his tattoos or draw pictures on his back with my fingers. 

Lyle smiles again. “Kisses.” he mumbles and I laugh before heaving myself forward to reach his head and place a soft kiss on his lips. 

“Anything else?” I ask with a grin. We’ve exchanged teasing and dirty jokes before. Lyle raises an eyebrow before sitting up and leaning on his forearms. He was looking at me to see if I meant it. 

I was just joking and the context and possible outcome of the situation only hit me now. 

“You jokin’?” he asked me while I sat on his lower torso in deep thought. 

“Yes and no.” 

“What does that mean?” he breathily laughs. 

“Well… if you want to, I would be okay to try it.” I say, nervously fumbling with my fingers while Lyle just stares at me, replaying my words in his head. 

“You wanna try it?” he asks, seeming doubtful. His concern discourages me and I look down. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up so early.” I say, my voice fading a little more with every word. 

“No, no. Y/N I didn’t mean that. Baby, look at me.” Lyle panics, fully sitting up now and holding me to him. “You didn’t bring it up early, I’ve been dreamin’ of this. I just didn’t want to mention it to you first in case you still weren’t sure about us.” 

I frown. How could I not be sure about us? We’ve been dating for almost a month it would be cruel to lead him on like this and not be sure. 

“Lyle, of course, I’m sure.” I say, nudging his chest. “I love you and I want this.” I say and I watch his eyes widen. Once again I realise too late what I just said.

“-only if, uh, you want this too.” 

“Fuck yeah, I want this.” he chuckles, nuzzling his face into my neck. I smile, running my hand up his neck and to his head. 

“Just uh-” I say, stopping to think of how I should phrase it.

Lyle looks up at me, a glimpse of worry in his eyes. 

“Please go slow.” 

He smiles, holding me closer to him. “Will do. Just tell me if something doesn’t feel right and we can stop anytime.”

I nod and pull him in for a kiss. The atmosphere in the room slowly shifts and the kiss becomes a heated make-out session. I’m balling my fingers into fists around his tank top while he tests the waters and gropes my hips. He carefully moves his hands to my ass and lower thighs, kneading the flesh through my sleep shorts. The unexpected intimate action makes me moan into the kiss and his ears shoot forward. Lyle smiles against my lips, devouring my mouth with more passion. 

The hand resting on the back of his head traces around where his kuru cord starts, making him hum in approval. I knew it was sensitive so I didn’t want to push it but I was curious beyond thinking. 

My fingers caressed it, gently tracing down his braid and I felt Lyle shiver. I pulled away and examined his half-lidded eyes. He seemed to be feeling good. I knew that too by the way he would grind my hips down against his. I felt his hardening dick in his shorts and it made me that much more excited. 

“Lyle-” I whimpered as he rolled my hips down against his. He grunted, looking at me again to ensure I was okay. 

He felt hazy from the pleasure but he also made it his mission to make you feel good. Lyle wanted this to be about you. His needs could wait. He also took pleasure in giving. 

His large hands started skimming up and down my body and my clothes were gently being removed one after the other. Our eyes were locked to keep Lyle convinced I was okay. To remind him of that I tugged at his top, slipping my hands under it and running them up his lean torso. He grinned, pulling it over his head and once he saw how amazed I was with his built figure he felt more confident in touching me.

He took his time, knowing that it he would have to be patient and gentle if he wanted things to work in any way. I was naked before him and he was tracing my sides with his palms while whispering into my ear how much he loved me and how beautiful I was to him. 

His hands fell lower and he caressed the insides of my thighs before he let his fingertips come in contact with my bare pussy. I whined, holding onto his shoulders and resting my forehead against his chest. I’ve had sex before but never with an Avatar. 

His fingers started to gently rub me, gliding through my slick folds and massaging up and down my slit. The noises I made were an incredible turn-on for Lyle and motivated him to continue. 

He needed to get me as wet as possible if he wanted to get himself anywhere near me. 

One of his fingers started prodding at my entrance, gently applying pressure before he slowly slipped it in. I gasped when I felt how long and thick just one of his fingers is. It reached deeper than anyone including me ever has and my mouth was hanging open. 

Lyle’s other hand was soothing me, softly running up and down my bare back to keep me relaxed. He definitely knew what he was doing and I knew I was in good hands. 

Once he felt me get used to that he inserted a second finger into my slick pussy, gently thrusting them in and out. That alone caused me to feel a stretch but it was necessary. He would occasionally curl his fingers which made me throw my head back before he would part them and scissor me open to stretch my walls further. 

I started feeling a build-up of pleasure in my abdomen but it was cut short when Lyle pulled out both his fingers. He held me by my waist and lay me down on the bed before settling between my legs and pushing them open by my knees. I felt small compared to him which I was and I forced myself to keep my legs open. Not that I didn’t want to, it was just so intimate I got shy. 

“God, you’re so beautiful…” Lyle whispered, letting his dilated eyes fixate on your naked body. Why and how you could like him was still a mystery to him.

I blush, covering my face with my hands and Lyle grins sheepishly before resuming his previous actions at a different angle. 

He concentrated on finding spots that would make me feel better and it wasn’t difficult for his long fingers either.

Soon, Lyle added a third finger and I was gripping the sheets above my head to keep me from moving around. I was so full it blew my mind.

“How you doin’, baby?” he asked me and I gulped, struggling to find words.

“So good.” I whisper, gasping for air in between the sentence. Lyle smirked, kissing the inside of my thigh. He peppered more kisses on them and neared my heat before he placed one on the bud above my clit. 

I whimpered his name, feeling weak and lust-drunk from the feeling of his lips. My positive reaction pleased Lyle and he did it again. To help me find a release, he opened his mouth and licked up my slit with his strong tongue while fingering me and I cried out, having to bite my fist from screaming. 

Lyle hummed against you making you squirm and before long, he was lapping up the slick on your cunt. He was positioned at the edge of his bed, kneeling down to be at your level and with all the noise you made and the way you tasted he started subtly dry-humping the side of the bed to keep himself under control. 

I was mind-blown and couldn’t think straight. Feeling completely overwhelmed I didn’t even notice the pleasure start building up again and within seconds I came loose around Lyle’s fingers. He felt me clench down around his fingers and hummed in approval as he continued to finger and lick me through my orgasm. 

My eyes opened again and I was brought back to reality. I lean forwards and look at Lyle, noticing his cocky grin. 

“Feel good?” he asked, already knowing the answer. 

I scoff playfully. “Hell yeah.” 

He smiles while gently pulling his fingers from me and licking them clean. I watch him and my bottom lip catches in between my teeth. 

Lyle ensured that I’m ready and he felt confident enough to attempt penetration. His large arms caged me in as he climbed on top of me, kissing my forehead while I tried to push his shorts down with my feet. 

“Don’t worry Buttercup, it’ll happen. Just wanna take my time with you.” Lyle said, mumbling the last part as he kissed down my neck. 

He sucks on my sweet spot and I grow even weaker beneath him. After he felt like my body was appreciated enough, Lyle pushed himself up and tugged his shorts down, throwing them next to the bed. 

When he looks back down at me my eyes are fixed on his groin and my mouth is gaping open. It’s almost hypnotising. The way it stands erect in all its glory and the fact that it’s throbbing while the veins bulge out on the sides has my mouth watering. It was absolutely enormous and I was so drawn to it. 

“You’re drooling, baby.” Lyle chuckles, wiping a bead of saliva from the corner of my mouth. My eyes blink a few times and I tear my gaze from his crotch to his face. 

“Holy shit.” I say, looking up at him with wide eyes. “You didn’t say you were this big.” 

“My bad?” he asks, teasingly. My words sounded accusing and flattering at the same time. It would be a compliment if it weren’t deadly.

He lowered his body closer to mine, groaning while gliding it over my wet pussy. Lyle was so touch-deprived and sensitive that even just that would have been okay with him if you would decide you have second thoughts on sex. 

Our height difference was much more visible because for our groins to be in the same area, our heads had to be far apart. I was looking up at Lyle’s chest and his head was hanging low, staring at the bedsheet because I didn’t reach that far up. It didn’t matter because I could look back at him and he could curl his head in to see me. 

“You ready?” he asked and my stomach twisted in excitement not only at his words but also when I heard how low and gruff his voice had become. 

“Yes.” I whisper, smiling up at him and he nods, concentrating on his movements. He was grinding against me which felt good and I was breathing heavily again. 

Neither Lyle nor I could see in between us so he was blindly pressing up against me in search of my entrance. It didn’t take long at all and his tip pressed right against it. He applied pressure and when he felt the wet skin give way and when he heard my gasp, he knew he found it. 

Lyle started pushing himself in and it didn’t go far at all. We felt how he was slowly being engulfed by me but only his tip had made it in. 

I whimpered, raising my arms and holding on to his sides while Lyle was looking beneath him and watching my reactions to make sure he wouldn’t hurt me. 

Lyle realised he couldn’t go deeper with this thrust so he gently pulled back, letting himself slip out of me and it gave me a chance to breathe again. His queue was hanging down his side and without much thought, I gently wrapped my hand around it, wanting to be connected to him in some way at least. Lyle groaned, stopping his movements for a second because he was distracted. It felt weird when he touched it but feeling your small and delicate hands wrap around his most sensitive body part had a small wave of pleasure wash over him and when he opened his eyes again, his pupils were even more dilated. 

Lyle pushed his hips forward again, managing to drive himself slightly deeper this time. My grip on his cord tightened before I let go, not wanting to hurt him and I clawed at the sheets instead. 

“Fuck-” he cursed under his breath. “...so tight.” Lyle’s eyes were clenched closed and the muscles in his body were all stiff as he fought his body's urges and needs to just mindlessly start rutting into you. If he did that you would end up in the hospital. 

The stretch inside me was very much present but it was bearable and I refused to give up. I wanted to please him and I wanted to feel him inside me. Most of him at least. 

Lyle continued his actions, always carefully pulling out before pushing in a bit deeper every time. 

“Lyle-” I whimper, eventually feeling completely overwhelmed and overstimulated. 

“Just a little more…” he grunts, clenching his jaw as he tries to get thrust himself just a little deeper inside me. He would stop if I asked him to. 

He pulls back and snaps his hips forward with a little more strength than usual which startles me. I hear Lyle moan and almost instantly my worries flow away. I glance down and see that he is halfway inside me. We both knew that him bottoming out was never going to happen but this was big progress for the first time. 

He tries again, wanting to know how much further he can go before it hurts me. His hips thrust forwards with more force and I feel him hit what I think is my cervix. 

I whine, curling my toes to fight the burning stretch in me. Lyle didn’t move, realising this was the deepest he could go. He looked under him again, noticing my grimacing expression. 

“You okay?” he asked through heavy breaths, reaching down to caress my cheek. I nod while keeping my eyes closed. 

“So- full.” I say, struggling to speak. 

“You’re doing so good.” he whispered and his praise helped relax me. He felt the tension from my body slowly vanish and took a mental note of the effect praise had on me.

Lyle gave me a few minutes, letting me adjust and gather myself. He himself needed that time to breathe and collect himself. If he’d continue now he was worried he wouldn’t be able to stop and he couldn’t let that happen. 

We stayed still for a few minutes and with every passing second I felt myself relax a little more. Lyle was my safe space and I knew he wouldn’t ever hurt me. Even if he was struggling to contain himself he would force himself to stop if he was close to losing it.

“It’s okay- now.” I say with a hiccup in between. He glances down at me while keeping his plank position above me. Another thing I admired about him was his strength and he knew I liked it. Maybe he was purposefully doing it now to get me more turned on. It was definitely working. 

“Tell me if anything hurts, okay?” he said, not doing anything until I confirmed. 

I nod but he needs it to be clear for both of us.

“Words baby, I want you to be okay.” he said, gently caressing my face. I smiled, craning my neck and looking above me towards him. I found it quite funny that even though we were so close his head was so far from me. I would have to stretch my arms out above me to touch his face.

“Yes, I’ll tell you.” I reply and he nods while his tail swishes to the other side. 

Lyle slowly pulled out, keeping his fists balled up tightly to contain his pleasure. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes closed as he concentrated on keeping his movements steady for you. 

His retraction stopped once just his tip was still in me and he gave me a few seconds before he gently lolled forwards again, slowly filling me to the brim. It was only possible for me to take just slightly over half of him but Lyle was more than okay with that.

When you two started dating he was ready for you to completely say no to sex because of the size difference. When you agreed to it today he was speechless but he needed to make sure you would be okay. This was meant to be a special shared experience and his priority was your comfort and pleasure. 

Maybe with time and a lot of getting used to, you would be able to take more. 

My mouth fell open in a silent cry. I was undoubtedly in pain because the stretch was more than anything I had ever imagined. I knew it would be difficult but it was bearable. I was looking up at Lyle to keep myself distracted from the burning sensation deep inside me. His face was flushed with pure bliss and seeing him like that was the biggest most attractive turn-on for me. 

He continued his smooth actions, listening to every breath I let out to try and read how I felt. After a while, the pain became mild and I was able to focus on him. I was admiring all of him, letting my eyes roam over his entire body. The sight of everything before me helped me start to feel good and it seemed to only properly sink in now that Lyle was being this intimate with me. Other thoughts and worries clouded my mind before but now it felt like it was just us together. 

I suddenly felt heartsick for him and lonely. I wanted to be closer because my heart was exploding with love and affection as I watched how careful he was being with me. 

“Lyle-” I sigh, reaching up for him. My eyes became glossy and teary-eyed but not because of pain. I just loved him so much and I needed to let him know. My emotions overwhelmed me since I never felt such an adoration for another person but I loved him so much it made me want to cry. 

He froze in his motions and his head shot to me in worry of hurting me while he waited to see what happened. 

“Lyle, I love you.” I mumble with half-lidded watery eyes. My hand reached out for him and he shifted his weight onto one arm so that he could hold my hand. He was scanning over my face, seeming unsure about the tears which now flowed down the side of my face. 

“-so much...” I add with a whisper and he feels how his heart warms up. He can see how much I mean it and Lyle takes this to heart, being sure he will never forget this moment. We’ve never said ‘I love you’ to each other. We wanted to, especially Lyle since day one but he didn’t want to push his luck. 

“Never as much as I love you.” he says, smiling down at me while interlocking our hands together. “You alright?” A soft chuckle leaves his lips as he takes in my hazy state. 

I nod with a sniffle, raising a leg and wrapping it around his waist to encourage him to continue. “Please- don’t stop.” I sigh softly, and the words overjoyed him.

He was so happy you accepted him and that he succeeded in making you not only feel good but safe and comfortable. If you wouldn’t be intimately connected right now he would tackle you into the mattress and cuddle you until you fell asleep. 

Lyle drew his hips back and I felt my wetness mixed with his large amount of pre-cum drizzle out of me. His body was fascinating and I couldn’t get enough of him. Once he gently thrust into me his ears perked forward at the small sound of a squelch being elicited from between us. A sound so pornographic it made his dick twitch. 

With his next thrust, my eyes fluttered closed and I sighed in pleasure, letting my head fall back. Lyle kept his eyes fixed on me and my reaction gave him more confidence. He started to roll his hips forward with slightly more force, making sure to push in the same amount every time so that he wouldn’t bruise my insides by trying to fit more. 

My breathing became heavy and I coordinated it with his slow pants and grunts. I traced my hands up and down his torso, admiring every muscle and tattoo. 

He curled his waist to angle his hips differently with every thrust so that it wouldn’t just be a constant back-and-forth motion. This approach made my eyes shoot open and I moaned, tightly gripping his shoulder as I suddenly felt extremely satisfied and pleasured. 

Lyle’s own eyes widened at the noise he managed to draw from me and from then on he decided he needed to make me do that as much as possible.

I dug my fingers into the back of his hand, arching my back off the bed to be able to deal with the bliss I was in. He reached every spot inside me he needed to and I was close to reaching my orgasm. It surprised me because I had never felt good just through penetration. Maybe it was because of how sensitive I was from my last orgasm or perhaps I just needed to find the right person which was Lyle. 

I whimpered, glancing down between us to witness how most of his huge cock would disappear inside my body, creating a bulge in my abdomen every time he pushed in. 

“I’m so close…” I gasp, spreading my legs open more to make sure he wouldn’t stop. 

“Me too baby-” he said, groaning when he thrust in again. His pace had picked up slightly but he made sure to continue doing what felt good for me. “Hang on a little.” 

I nod, holding on to him while my toes curled against the sheets of the bed. My ears were filled with his soft grunts. Lyle’s jaw was clenched closed and his ears flattened back against the side of his head as he felt his release near him. 

It felt so good I couldn’t hold it much longer anymore. 

“Lyle-” I cry out, desperately looking up at him.

He hissed through his clenched teeth in bliss and his muscles started to tense. 

“Fuck- that’s it.” he moaned, burying our connected hands into the mattress as he fought himself to not start relentlessly pounding into me. 

“Let go baby.” he said through heavy breaths and with his next thrust we both got lost in bliss 

I moaned out his name as he rode out our orgasms. My legs tightened around his waist while his hips stuttered and desperately bucked against mine. My walls clenched around him, almost trapping him inside me for a second and Lyle’s mouth fell open as he released his cum deep into me. The way he was being squeezed drove him feral and all of him tensed as he filled me up, emptying everything he had into me. While he spilled inside me, Lyle lowered his abdomen against mine, resting more of his weight on my shaking body to ensure I stayed in place so that I would take it all. 

We both started to calm down and our heaving chests synched. My trembling and weak legs fell from his sides and onto the bed while Lyle dropped his head forward to regain his senses. 

He looked down at me and was relieved when he saw my fucked out expression. Lyle was worried he may have hurt me towards the end when his gentle pace faltered but I was very much okay. I look up and smile at him, feeling exhausted. 

He slowly moves back, retracting himself from inside me and slipping out completely. 

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, just needing to make sure.

I shake my head ‘no’ because I was unable to form words. He smiles softly, kissing my forehead and running his palm down my body before getting up and reaching for a towel that was thrown over a chair. He comes back to me, sitting down in front of my legs and gently lifting one up onto his shoulder to spread them. Cum was seeping out of me as his eyes raked over my vulnerable state. 

“You look beautiful like this.” he mumbled, seeming a little lost in thought and I chuckled softly, running a hand over my face before lifting myself on my forearms to look at him. He moved the towel to me and gently cleaned me from our bodily fluids, being extra careful when I flinched at the contact. My pussy was throbbing from how sensitive I was and it was a lot when the towel came in contact with my clit. After I was clean to his satisfaction Lyle did the same to himself before tossing the towel behind him and gently picking me up. Lyle lay back down but on his back this time and pulled me on top of him so that I was splayed out on his chest with my head resting under his. He reached for his blanket to cover the both of us before wrapping his arms around me and resting them on his back. 

When his eyes meet mine he notices how I’m staring up at him in complete adoration. He smiles and I lean forward to kiss him. He’s gentle again, pulling me closer into his chest while we passionately kiss. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” I ask with a huge smile. He seemed at a loss for words, just staring at me to try and understand. In his mind, Lyle would wonder that about you because he would still struggle to understand why you liked him because he wasn’t human. 

“You take such good care of me.” I say, noticing his confusion. It saddened me a little when he doubted himself like this. My mission in this relationship was to have him know he was the best for me. 

“No one has ever been so good to me. I feel safe with you.” 

“Really?” he asks with wide eyes, not knowing quite what to say. I knew he needed lots of reminders. 

My smile widens. “Lyle you’re the best thing in my life.” He was. There wasn’t much on Pandora that brought me joy. He was the reason I would get up out of bed in the mornings. I would always look forward to seeing him. 

His gaze softens and I notice he’s getting emotional. Lyle never got emotional. He would always hide behind jokes and managed to always seem fond of himself. I was glad he was opening up to me and showing me a part of him which needed healing. Especially since he was a marine, feelings would very often be neglected and pushed to the side which made them worse. 

“God, I’m so happy you’re mine.” he whispers, clutching me tighter and pressing his cheek against mine. I smile, nuzzling my face into him. 

“Say it, please.” he adds softly, looking at me with pleading eyes and needing to hear the words. 

“I’m yours Lyle. You’re all I want and no one out there even stands a chance.” 

He connects our lips again in a sensual kiss as happiness and joy fill him. 

“I’m so lucky to have you.” he says and I giggle. 

“This is getting cheesy.” I say and he chuckles. 

“I don’t care. I can make it worse.” he says and I raise an eyebrow. 

“You’re my everythin’ and my world and I would-” Lyle starts rambling and I laugh. 

“Okay, okay. I get it.” I cut him off and we break into giggles and laughter before I settle down against his chest again. 

“Comfortable?” he jokes and I smile. Then I notice the odd empty feeling between my legs. He must have stretched me out so much that I felt hollow now. 

He watches me as I think. 

“I feel empty.” I say, not sure how else to express it. My words surprise Lyle and the first idea that comes to mind is to fill me again. Cockwarming didn’t sound bad for either of us but for that to work I would be resting my head right under his chest because I would have to move down his body. The blanket would then be over my head and Lyle wouldn’t be able to wrap his hands around my waist anymore. We seem to be going down the same thought trail and then Lyle gets another idea. 

His right-hand drifts down my body and over the curve of my ass. I follow his movements and part my legs slightly more when he reaches my crotch again. He moves his hand under my thigh and slips two of his fingers into me. I bite my lip, closing my eyes for a few seconds before looking up at him. 

He looked so in love it made my heart flutter. 

“Better?” he asked after he pushed in knuckle deep and I nod.

“Is it comfortable for you?” I ask, wondering whether he can keep it in. 

“Fuck yeah. I didn’t know you’d want this but it’s better than cuddlin’.” he chuckled, feeling pride in his chest. Knowing you needed and wanted to feel him so close to you like that reassured Lyle that you loved him. 

He brushes his fingers through my hair with his free hand as he notices my eyes grow heavy. 

“Good night, baby.” he whispers, kissing my cheek and I smile. 

“Good night. Love you.” I mumble making him smile as I drift off to sleep. From then on even just falling asleep together became a regular thing. I felt protected by him and Lyle made sure I’d fall asleep before he would close his eyes, just to ensure my safety and comfort. Not that I was in danger but he liked doing it.

If he could, he would lay on top of you so that he could shield you from anything but that would most likely crush you so it never happened. You meant everything to Lyle and he was ready to protect you with his life.

Tag List: @numarusworld    @jatwow @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @ikranwings @number1gal

[emberfrostlovesloki]

Ultracrepidarian [Spencer x Reader]

Photo credits: Left (@virginmary2008) Center (@reidobsessed) Right (@quillnote)

Prompt: When the BAU-reader nearly faints while giving a lecture to the NAT trainees, Spencer finally can’t hold back how he really feels about her as he drives her home. 

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!BAU!reader. The reader uses she/her pronouns

Category: hurt/angst/comfort

Word Count: 15K

Content Warnings: Light drinking, canon typical violence (unsub kills via acid [description of bodies after death] mention of bodies being cut into), the threat of violence [reader and Spencer]  and physical assault [reader and a random woman], drugging [reader], ERs, broken bones, language, and prolonged pain. If I missed any, please let me know. 

A/N: Good evening, loves! It’s the first fic of January and it’s with the cutest, Spencer! I’ve had this idea since I learned the word ultracrepidarian, and I could totally see him saying it to someone. This is a slow burn until the very end. I tried my best to build up the suspense and tension between the reader and Reid, and I hope you enjoy the payout at the end. As always, thank you to my lovely readers who interact with my work. I hope the new year is treating you well. If you do enjoy this story, likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! Have a great rest of your week! Love Levi - ❤️

List wil all stories 

_y/n_ = your name 

_c/t_ = coffee or tea 

_y/l/n_ = your last name 

_y/c/y_’s = your color eyes 

__y/f/f/f_ = your favorite fast food 

_y/f/f/g/m_ = your favorite feel good movie 

_y/l/p_ = your local pharmacy 

“Ultracrepidarian,” Spencer said aloud while looking over the draft of the lecture _y/n_ was due to give tomorrow to the fresh batch of N.A.T. trainees. Agent _y/l/n_ looked up and said, “My lecture is what now?” _y/n_ had never heard the word before in her life. She wasn’t sure she could even say it right if it was written on paper. Spencer looked up from his notes and repeated, “Ultracrepidarian. What I’m trying to say is that you’re trying to sound smart, but I don’t think it’s helping your point.” _y/n_ sighed and said, “I am trying to sound smart. That’s the point. Why would two hundred new agents just coming back from their holiday break want to listen to me talk about how to do their case exercises? Derek was supposed to be the one giving this lecture anyway. Why’d he ask me and not Hotch or you? I’m so new to this I feel like I was just in those trainings myself.” Hotch, who had overheard the conversation as he was passing up to his office offered, “Morgan asked you because he saw you as the best fit for the job. If he’d wanted me or Spencer, he would have asked, but he asked you for a reason, _y/n_. You’ll do a fine job.” Aaron’s words of affirmation sent a moment of comfort _y/n_’s way, but the copious annotations Reid was making on her draft had her stomach tighten again. Three days prior, during one of the long, boring paperwork-filled days in the office, Morgan had gotten a call at his desk. He’d looked at the phone with a serious expression before picking up and walking outside of the bullpen just as he left, _y/n_ had heard him say, “What is it, Sarah?” A half-hour later, he’d come back in the room looking even more serious than before. The strong agent moved to the stairs and took them three at a time before stopping at Hotch’s door. The man knocked once and then entered the glowing office. There had been another half-hour conversation before Morgan appeared again. This time he moved and found Spencer and Emily. They chatted in hushed whispers for a few seconds before getting the important stuff on his desk and then heading out the door and toward the elevator. _y/n_ watched all of this with veiled interest. She knew that there was an unstated rule about profiling each other, and she was so new to the team that she didn’t want to make assumptions about what was going on. 

_y/n_ didn’t have to wait long as she caught Emily speaking with Penelope in the breakroom as they were grabbing their lunches from the fridge. _y/n_ overheard a snippet of the conversation, “Yeah, it sounded serious this time. Especially if he has to fly up there. I hope it turns out okay.” _y/n_, who was preparing some _c/t_ was about to ask if she could join the conversation, but was cut off by JJ, who popped her head in the room, and said, “Hotch just called us to the conference room. New case.” Just after JJ finished speaking, the timer on the microwave dinged. Emily let out an exasperated sigh and said, “Why is there always a new case when my food is finished? Can’t these unsubs wait a half hour?” That had everyone in the room chuckle, and as Garcia and Prentiss moved their food back into the fridge, the trio of agents moved up the stairs, the liaison stated, “Given how gross this case is, Emily, I think you’ll thank Aaron for not giving you the time to eat before you see the photos.” That had everyone sober as they moved into the conference room. The team sat while Aaron and JJ set up. Hotch spoke first, and he addressed that someone important was missing. The leader of the BAU cleared his throat and said, “As most of you know, Derek won’t be joining us for this case. He had something personal come up in Chicago, and I’m not sure when he’ll be coming back. However, I have confidence that we can work as efficiently as we always do, even if a member isn’t here.” Everyone nodded. Each of them knew that things happened. They had with Gideon at the end of last year. That had been a difficult transition for all of them. But with Rossi returning to the BAU, things had settled. There was more of a reassurance with Morgan. He was coming back. With Gideon, it had been like waiting for the other show to drop. And when it had, it wasn’t pretty. Aaron began jumping into the specifics of the case, with JJ adding details about the four victims so far. The college-age men and women who had been killed were unrecognizable. The use of hydrochloric acid via syringe into the carotid artery was a terrible, terrible way to die. The tissue and skin had been eaten away by the acid, exposing gaping holes in the bodies of the deceased. There also seemed to be signs of assault on the bodies that proceeded the killings. Lastly, The slogan for Yale, which all of the victims attended, was carved into their backs and read “Lux et Veritas.” If one thing was for sure, this was a crime of passion, and whoever or whatever was getting in the way of the killer ended up looking less human and more like an over-the-top dummy from a James Wan horror film. Unsettled, JJ gave the rest of the brief and told them they could find more in their files. After a few minutes of silent reading, Hotch said, as he always did, “Wheels up in thirty. We don’t know what’s causing the unsub to strike, but they’re organized, so the quicker we get to Connecticut, the sooner we can ensure it doesn’t happen again. 

On the plane, Spencer drank his supersaturated sugar-filled coffee next to _y/n_. He kept bouncing his knee up and down in a way that _y/n_ understood to be excitement. Of course, no one on the team would voice that thought, but bizarre cases brought a set of challenges that others didn’t. They forced the team to think on their feet and move on instinct. _y/n_ looked over the Spence, realizing he was bottling up energy that he usually didn't at the start of cases. _y/n_ then understood that it was the absence of Derek that had caused the change. Normally Spence and his best friend would be bantering and tossing ideas between them. Morgan would tease Reid for the size and scope of this knowledge. _y/n_ missed the animated talking, so she initiated it herself, asking, “So, why hydrochloric acid? Is that stuff easy to get your hands on? And why all Yale students? There has got to be a connection between them, right?” This offering had Spencer off to the races, with his first comment being, “Buying that kind of acid isn’t as hard as you think. And, if you're a chemistry student or in the hard sciences, you might work with it weekly. As for the student connection, it’s possible, but there might be lots of other factors that we don’t know yet. Maybe they were in the same cohort during orientation, or maybe the unsub picked them at random. The threads tying this all together seem disparate. I hope once we’re on campus and I’ve seen a crime scene, I’ll have a better idea.” _y/n_ nodded along. Just hearing Spencer hypothesize felt special. Spencer was the closest to _y/n_ in age, and they’d bonded over that early on. _y/n_ respected everyone else on the team a great deal, but with Reid, she felt like she could relax. She wouldn’t be judged for being young or relatively naivete in this job. She always looked to him for advice. They’d slowly gotten to know each other because they spent the most time together on cases and in the bullpen. Derek had even started teasing Reid about when he was going to ask _y/n_ out. Overhearing that conversation had _y/n_ turn back the way she came in an instant. That didn’t stop Morgan from seeing how flustered _y/n_ was or how flushed Spencer's face had become. As _y/n_ reflected on that moment, she noticed with a small smile, that Reid’s leg had stopped moving. Now that he was in the thick of conversation, with his mouth struggling to keep up with his train of thought, he didn’t need to let out his anxious energy in such a physical way. _y/n_ smiled at the fact, and she leaned in a little closer to try and catch all that her teammate was saying. 

When the jet landed, Hotch made quick introductions to the campus police and then split the BAU into separate groups. Aaron wanted Reid with him as he was the most familiar with the Ivy League system, and he thought it might be helpful while speaking to the President of the university. Meanwhile, _y/n_ and Rossi would check out the first two dorms where the bodies of Charles Talbot and Shauna Mann had been found by roommates who were now in shock. JJ and Emily were going to speak with the UPD for a while longer to see if they could get some useful information out of them before JJ would work on a response for the students, faculty, and staff, and Prentiss went and surveyed the campus. It was near midterms, and although four students were dead and memorials were being held, most of the students didn’t seem to care. They were so absorbed in their studies and tests that the murders seemed to flow off their backs like water on a duck. 

That evening, after an unproductive day, in Spencer’s room, he and _y/n_ looked over the new evidence. _y/n asked him, “Hey, is it that cutthroat in a school like this that the students aren’t worried about what’s happened? Certainly, they must value their lives more than some test?” Reid looked up from his notepad and sighed. He didn’t want to sound annoying, but he knew that _y/n_ listened to him with an understanding that he didn’t get from everyone. His brain and inability to seem to form strong connections often had him feeling left out. Not on the team, or even in his daily life, but he remembered how it had felt to be so isolated and different. In his high school years, he’d cured his brain for its ability, but he also knew it was the only way out of his life. It was half-blessing, half-curse. _y/n_ tipped her head slightly. She could sense him thinking, and it was rare for Spencer to not voice his thoughts. It was so natural for him. However, there was a pause, before Reid said, “I couldn’t tell you _y/n_. College was so easy for me that it just felt like a breeze. But for normal people? I don’t. I don’t know.” _y/n_ felt a tug at this choice of words. “Normal people.” Not that it was condemning them. It was condemning himself as an unnatural person. Agent _y/l/n_ had heard Spencer do this a few times when he was stressed or out of his comfort zone. He’d ostracize himself. Sometimes it took the form of a joke, and other times, it was self-deprecating humor, like when he’d said, “Well, I can recite The Decameron in the original Latin, but I haven’t been on a date in a year, so I guess I’m the lucky one in this situation.” _y/n_ knew that Reid did it to himself as a self-comforting gesture, but some people, even in the office, had almost openly ridiculed his intelligence. It made _y/n_ so angry. Bullying was for high schoolers, not adults. And if the people who had made Reid feel othered only understood what a help he was on cases and to her as a friend, she knew they’d shut the fuck up real quick. _y/n_ looked down at the gory picture in her hand. Softly she said, “We’re all human, Spencer. Even this unsub is human. We just have different abilities, different things we’ve been through.” _y/n_ didn’t want to look up at him. She wasn’t sure it was what he wanted to hear. It wasn’t what Reid had expected, and without even thinking about it, he replied, “At least you’re a human with friends.” 

This had _y/n_ look up with surprise. She hadn’t expected what she thought to be words of comfort to end his him saying something like that. _y/n_ took in Spencer’s expression. Even he seemed shocked or ashamed at letting that inside thought out. Gently, _y/n_ placed a hand on his crossed knee and said, with as much sincerity as she could muster, “You have friends, Spencer. You have me, Derek, and Garcia. You have the whole team. And what about your chess club? You don’t have to be adrift out there if you don’t want to be.” It was the best she could think of on the spot. As she said it, Spencer seemed to relax. He knew he got in his head. That he kept things in that he shouldn’t, but hearing _y/n_ validate him had him give her a small smile. She was so reassuring to him. Often, he wasn’t sure why. People didn’t generally choose to be in his life, but _y/n_ had gone beyond being just a colleague, and now and then, he felt the tug of what was adjacent to affection and love when he was around her. Spencer hadn’t felt that in a long time, and he shied away from it whenever it bubbled uncomfortably close to the surface. Spencer felt it now in his chest and stomach. He kept it inside like so much else in his life. Instead of addressing his feelings, he said, “I appreciate you reminding me of that _y/n_. You’re a good friend to me.” _y/n_ beamed at him and said, “You got it, Spence. I’ll remind you anytime you need.” Seeing _y/n_’s smile had Reid flushed, and he pulled a victim’s picture in front of him to distract himself. He couldn’t let his feelings get the best of him. Especially not on a case. Thankfully, his strategy worked, and he regained his composure. _y/n_ and he spent most of the night trying and testing theories and possibilities on the other. Even though nothing massive had happened, there seemed to be a shift in the air, pulling them closer together, in unknowable ways. When _y/n_ got back to her motel room, she got a call from Derek. The one where he asked her to speak from him, and _y/n_ said yes because it was a privilege that she didn’t fully understand. Morgan encouraged her and said that she could call him if she needed help. With that, Morgan hung up the phone, leaving _y/n_ excited about the possibility yet nervous at the prospect of speaking to so many people. 

The next day, a new body was found in Harkness Hall. The building was cleared of students, and the team spent the morning looking over the place from top to bottom. None of the students seemed to see anything odd, which could mean that the unsub had to live in the building and come in so late that everyone was asleep on that floor. This time, however, the killer had made an error. They had left traces behind, like hair and some dark flecks of navy paint that looked pretty distinct. It became clear to the team that the unsub was losing control of their anger as this victim, Bobby Ashten, hadn’t been injected with the acid but doused in it instead. There were also traces of formaldehyde in the mix. Why the added substance, no one could say yet. The sight and smell were so bad that the coroner and the police had to step out a few times to stop themselves from vomiting and contaminating the crime scene. It took a long time for the evidence to be bagged and tagged. Halfway through the process, a member of the UPD informed Aaron that the victim’s girlfriend, who was in hysterics, was outside demanding to come in. Hotch sent _y/n_ and JJ to try and calm the girl down and get a statement if it felt appropriate. If not, then get her to a counselor and get her contact information for later. JJ and _y/n_ took a deep breath once they were outside. They stripped their faces of the N-95 masks and latex gloves. They both felt relief from being outside of that room and building. The sun swept over the two agents, as they walked toward the young woman who was still crying. Kitty looked up at the approaching agents. Kitty’s face was streaked with tears. JJ moved forward first and said, “Hey, Ms. Kincade. My name’s Jennifer Jareau. I’m with the FBI. Agent _y/n_ and I are here to see how you’re doing. I’m afraid we can’t let you in to see your boyfriend, but we want to let you know that we’re here for you and that we’re doing everything we can to catch the guy who did this to Bobby.” Kitty sniffled, and her sadness seemed to turn to rage as she said, “It’s not a guy. It’s that crazy ex-girlfriend of Bob’s - Jenni. I told him to stop hanging out with her. She was like five years older than him, and it was gross. I fucking told him, but did he listen to me? No. He never listens to me. I kept inviting her to hangouts and parties and everything, and then, Jen ingratiated herself into his life so much that I couldn’t get her out. I know I shouldn’t have slept with Bobby when he was still dating her, but he was miserable. I thought I was doing him a favor. Look what good it did me. He’s fucking dead now.” Kitty burst into tears again, and JJ moved forward to embrace her. 

As the media liaison hugged the grieving girl, JJ could feel _y/n_ thinking a  mile a minute behind her. J knew that _y/n_ was as quick-witted as Spencer, just not as talkative. After a moment, _y/n_ asked gently, “Did you talk to Bobby every day? Did Jenni talk or text to him?” Kincade nodded and said, “I was always texting him. He never left me unread. That’s why I knew something was wrong last night. He didn’t text back for two hours, and he knows I hated that.” _y/n_ nodded. As cruel as it sounded in a moment like this, Kitty came across as insecure. Her clothing, demeanor, and intonation told _y/n_ that Kitty needed Mr. Drew for support and validation. _y/n_ got it. She’d felt the same way before herself when she was younger. However, the teary-eyed student hadn’t answered her second question, and _y/n_ gently prodded, “And did Jenni talk to Bob a lot? Did you ever feel like she was trying to get back together with him?” The anger was back in _y/n_’s face as she straightened up and out of JJ’s embrace. Kitty clenched her jaw before saying, “Hell yes she did. She texted him almost as much as I did. She acted like she was still his fucking girlfriend and not me. And they saw each other consistently too. They’re both in the nursing program and it’s brutal work. He relied on her to study with. She’s a TA and all so she could help him out. I know I’m not one to judge, I’m just a journalism major, but Bob procrastinated everything and I think he thought he could go to her and get all the answers. I told him not to, but like I said, he never listened to me.” _y/n_ nodded and said, “I’m sorry to hear that he put you through that, and I’m sorry for your loss.” Kitty nodded, seeming to have calmed down from her hyper-emotional state. _y/n_ just needed to ask two more questions before she could let JJ continue her comfort and tell Kitty everything she needed to know. _y/n_ cleared her throat and said, “Kitty, just a few more things and I’ll let you talk to Ms. Jareau., “First, what’s Jenni’s last name, and do you know where Bobby was before he stopped texting you?” The student seemed to swallow back bile as she said, “Jenni, Jenni Foster. And Bobby was with her. He was supposed to have a big anatomy test today and they both went to the cadaver lab together. I wasn’t cool with it, but Bob promised me he’d be back by midnight.” _y/n_ nodded empathetically and said, “I’m sure he wanted to get back to you, Kitty. I know he would have if he could.” _y/n_ looked over to JJ and the media liaison nodded, knowing that _y/n_ had a lot to relay to the team. With JJ’s gentle nod, _y/n_ walked out past Kitty’s eyesight. Once this was the case, she sprinted back into the building. _y/n_ beeped into the dorm with her temporary ID and rushed to the elevator. As the metal box opened with a ding, _y/n_ pressed for floor fifteen. _y/n_ couldn’t be sure that Jenni Foster was the unsub, but something inside _y/n_ shot a pang of dread through her At least this was another lead if nothing else. Just outside the elevator to the floor of the crime scene. _y/n_ slipped on some latex gloves and a new mask. 

As soon as _y/n_ entered the room Aaron’s eyes turned to her. Through his mask, Hotch asked, “Any leads?” Hotch sounded as desperate as she had felt for an excuse to get out of the newest crime scene. _y/n_ nodded, catching his drift. She replied, “I’ve got a possible unsub, Jenni Foster, and a possible location for the last death.” Hearing this, everyone seemed to relax. It meant a chance to get out of the dorm. Hotch thought for a second and said, “Alright, Emily and I will try and find Ms. Foster, _y/n_ and Spencer, go to the last known location of the victim.” Aaron turned to look at Rossi, trying to give him an option for escape. David had already thought of what he could do and replied, “I can go and inform the president and the chief of the UPD, and I’ll call Garcia to see what she can dig up on Foster.” Hotch nodded and said, “Alright. Hopefully, this will give us some much-needed answers.” The team rode the elevator down to the ground floor. Aaron and Em moved toward the parked SUV in one of the reserved faculty spots, and Spencer asked, “Fill me in on what Kitty said.” _y/n_ took his elbow, as Reid tried to move up campus and not toward the School of Medicine. Spencer followed her lead, realizing he had no idea where they were headed. As the duo descended the stairs, _y/n_ replied, “Kitty said that Bobby had an ex-girlfriend who might have taken things to a bit of an extreme. Apparently, they were both in the nursing program and Bobby relied a lot on her for help even after she’d broken up with him.” Hearing this, Spencer cringed. He might not be the best at reading emotions, but he knew that was a no-go. Reid looked over at _y/n_, as they moved toward the south side of campus. He asked, “Are we sure, Kitty’s not the person we’re looking for?” _y/n_ shook her head and said, “It’s always a possibility, but she seemed pretty dependent on Bobby. I don’t know why she’d want to kill him. He cheated on Jenni with her and then left Jenni for Kitty. That’s why I think it’s Ms. Foster. We were saying that this was a crime of passion. What’s more passionate than a cheating boyfriend? Plus, Jenni and Bobby were in the cadaver lab last night, allegedly studying for a test. It feels like a little too much of a coincidence for it to just be nothing.” Spence nodded in agreement. Now that he knew where they were headed, he said, “You know we’re all susceptible to crimes of passion. Fifteen percent more than other crimes. Factor in the young age of college students brains not being fully developed, I’m surprised that we don’t see more issues on college campuses.” _y/n_ stopped Reid as he reached for the door and said, “Should we get UPD to come with us? What if Jenni’s here and does something drastic?” Reid pondered the question and said, “I doubt she’d go back to the scene so soon. We don’t even know if this is the scene. It’s a big plot point in mystery novels that killers go back to the site because no one would expect that, but it rarely happens. Generally, criminals are too concerned that they’ll be found or act strangely and then be suspected. Let’s just be on the lookout.” _y/n_ nodded and they moved into the building that held the cadavers of the Yale School of Medicine. 

Inside the cool, sleek building, _y/n_ and Spencer went up to the department office and flashed their badges. The student worker grabbed the head of the department. After a minute of waiting in the office, a sharply dressed woman came out, shook both of their hands and said, “Good afternoon, I’m Dr. Peters, Dean of Yale Medical School.” The woman extended a hand to both agents and ushered them into her office. Nobody sat and there was an air of tension in the room. Spencer took the lead on the conversation as the agent with the most experience. Reid stated, “If we can, Agent _y//l/n_ and I would like to see the cadaver lab. We have reason to believe that it might have been the last known location of Bobby Ashten. We understand that he was a student of the program.” When the words registered, Dr. Peter’s face shifted from one of discomfort to anger. She stated, “Well I’m sure that’s not possible. All of our students are highly vetted before entry into the program.” Reid and _y/n_ noticed the shift in tone and Spencer said, “It’s possible that it’s not a student on the school that ended up attacking Mr. Ashten, we just got a tip that his last known location was the cadaver lab last night. Could you tell us who has access to that space?” Peters seemed to calm slightly as Spencer noted that the unsub might not be a part of the department. _y/n_ gave him a little nod at de-escalating the situation. After a brief silence, the dean replied, “Access to that lab is granted to instructors and TAs only. The bodies are taken out for class demonstrations. There’s a sign-in sheet at the door on the third floor. Those who deal with the bodies have special qualifications. If someone did allow a student in there it would be highly unethical.” Now _y/n_ jumped in and said, “Yes, it would be. Dr. Reid and I are just trying to be thorough and precise like the department has to be with its students and protocols. I know you’d rather have this looked at and cleared up now instead of waiting till later in the year.” Peters nodded with some hesitation and said, “Fine, take a look at the lab. I’ll send a TA down to let you in, just follow their instructions to a tee.” Both Spencer and _y/n_ nodded in agreement. Dr. Peters called for a TA to wait by the cadaver lab. After this, she ushered them back into the main office and told the student worker behind the desk, “Please escort our guests to Lab 308. Answer any questions they might have.” Just as the trio was about to leave, Peters said, “And Agents, if you should need any help with anything, don’t hesitate to ask me personally.” The Spencer and _y/n_  thanked her and shook her hand before being led out by the student worker. 

Neither agent spoke much as they made their way to the third-floor lab. The student worker seemed to be giving an informal tour like she had been told to show off the department and its most prestigious alumni and features. To not make it awkward for the woman, _y/n_ or Spencer would comment or ask a relevant question to fill in the silence. Finally, they made it to the third floor and lab 308. The student halted and said, “This is Barry Whitehouse, one of our second-year TAs. He’ll let you into the lab and tell you all of the protocols.” With that, the young woman walked with urgency away from the group. _y/n_ looked at Spencer for a second, and they had a silent conversation. They both knew they were being watched and monitored. _y/n_ took the lead on this conversation, as the TA was looking at her with an expression that said he liked what he saw. Even though it made her skin crawl, _y/n_ extended a hand, saying, “Agent _y/n_. It’s nice to meet you.” _y/n_ even went as far as moving her free hand to flip her jacket to the side so Barry could see her badge. The man’s eyes were wide with awe like he’d stumbled across the fountain of youth and not some newbie FBI agent. _y/n_ had to stop herself from laughing. She hid the sound as a cough and quickly pulled her hand back from Mr. Whitehouse’s. _y/n_ pointed to Spencer and said, “And this is my partner, Dr. Reid.” Spence raised a hand in a half gesture of welcome. Barry frowned back at him. Sensing the tension, _y/n_ diverted the attention back to herself. In a voice laced with faux honey, she said, “So, we kinda need to get in the lab. Can you tell us what we need to know before going in there?” Barry’s attention snapped back to her, and he said, “Oh, yeah,” like he’d forgotten why he’d been called down from his office in the first place. The man cleared his throat and said, “Well it’s pretty basic stuff, wear gloves at all times, keep your hair back. You can pull the bodies out unless there’s red tape on the handle of the gurney. Looking is fine, but in no way are you to touch the bodies. No photography of any kind unless you have a warrant and lastly, you both need to sign the log at the door.” _y/n_ sent him another fake smile and led Spencer to the door before Barry could say anything else. She tossed gloves at Spencer while she signed the logbook. _y/n_ pulled her gloves over her hands and stepped into the lab after Reid. Barry seemed too shocked to state that he should go in with them to make sure they followed the department's standard procedure. 

Inside the sterile lab where the dead mingled with the living, _y/n_ and Spencer both slumped back against the wall. It felt like hours since they had been alone to just talk and run ideas around like they normally did on a crime scene. They both took a moment to compose themselves while they looked around the space. _y/n_ looked at the dead bodies and said, “Dr. Peters was so passive-aggressive. Good job on talking her down. What was that with he offering to help us at the end?” Spencer who was looking in the cabinets and drawers said, “It's all about funding and reputation at these schools. She was probably offended at the insinuation that something like what happened to Bobby did in her department, but in the end, it would look even worse if she seemed to be interfering in the investigation. Thus the change in tone.” Spencer took a breath and said, “And good on you for distracting Mr. TA out there.” For some reason _y/n_ heard a hint of jealousy in Reid’s words, but she didn’t read into it. Instead, she just said, “That was light work. I have a way of getting people flustered no matter what I do. But I think we won’t be alone for long. Barry will probably be in here in a minute or two.” Spencer bit his lip, as he looked around for a second and stated, “I don’t think we’ll find anything here.” _y/n_ looked at him dumbfounded and asked, “Why? We’ve only been in here for a few minutes and Jenni’s name was on the log outside. She was the last person in here.” Spencer’s sharp eyes caught _y/n_’s and he said, “Well, they might have been in here, but not for long. For one there’s no blue paint on any of these walls, and we found that on the body. And secondly,” Spence paused as if for dramatic effect, “There’s no formaldehyde. There is hydrochloric acid in the cabinets, but why keep the two separate if they were found together on Bobby?” _y/n_ pondered the puzzle and said, “It doesn’t make any sense. Not with the paint and the chemicals. This building is brand spanking new. The student worker told us.” Spencer nodded and said, “Exactly, and a brand new building means an old abandoned one as well.” As _y/n_ looked at Reid, he had the excited look of having a new idea look on his face. When he held the door open for _y/n_, she didn’t question his logic. She didn’t have time to try and read him as he followed after her out the door. 

Barry looked startled at their sudden reappearance. Reid approached the man and said, “Do you have a key to the old medical building down the hill and across the street? The one that’s set to be demolished at the end of the term?” The TA mumbled, “Well yes, but no one goes in there but staff now. There’s still some stuff that needs to be transferred over to this building. That place is a dump, really. It should be torn down.” Spencer nodded along and said, “Can I borrow your key? Just for an hour, I swear it could be important to the investigation. Don’t you want to help stop what’s been happening on campus?” Mr. Whitehouse looked uncertain and then moved his half-scared eyes to _y/n_’s _y/c/y/_’s ones. _y/n_ gave him a reassuring smile and the man took off his lanyard from his neck. Barry unclipped an old-looking key from his carabiner and instead of handing it to Spencer, brushed past the genius and placed it in _y/n_’s outstretched palm instead. _y/n_ thanked him, and as she moved to leave the new shiny building, she said, “Thanks, Barry. Hey, say, where’s the cadaver lab in the old building?” The TA replied softly, “The basement I think, G02.” Before the man could get another word in edgewise, _y/n_ and Spencer were darting out of the building and down the hill toward the old side of campus. As they half-jogged toward the new space with anticipation, _y/n_ asked, “How did you know about the old building? It wasn’t on any maps of campus that I saw.” Spencer replied as they moved across a busy street, “I noticed it in the newsletter outside yesterday when I was looking around. Something about an old building on campus being demolished soon. So I asked Garcia about it and she sent me the information. As soon as I heard it was the old school of medicine it piqued my interest.” _y/n_ looked at him bewildered with how smart Dr. Reid was. However, she didn’t have time to comment on it as she reached the door of the dilapidated building that was soon to be torn down. The outside facade read: Yale School of Medicine” in fading letters. From the outside, it looked like there was no working electricity inside. The thought of going in there sent a cold chill up her spine. Spencer seemed ready to go, and _y/n_ handed him the key saying, “I’m just going to shoot The team a text letting him know where we are. I don’t trust that texts will get out once we’re in there.” Reid nodded and replied, “Good idea,” as he slipped the key into the lock. _y/n_ shot off the message as she followed Spence’s hurried steps inside. Once the door was closed behind them, _y/n_ felt like the world had closed off behind her. The air was stale and foul. Even just a few steps from the door the light seemed to fade dimmer and dimmer. Spencer stopped at a directory and emergency map of the building's layout. _y/n_ flashed her phone’s flashlight on the map and Spence traced the path to the old cadaver lab in the basement. 

The idea of going into the bowels of the building had _y/n_ on edge, but she wasn’t going to let Spencer go alone. Reid looked at her and swallowed. _y/n_ could see he was nervous too and said, “Keep on the lookout.” With that, as if to still his fear, Spencer moved to the end of the long hallway and down the stairs to the basement level of the building. They both had their phone flashlights out trying to light the gloomy space. The silence and darkness was oppressive. Neither _y/n_ nor Reid wanted to talk as they pierced the dark. Even small sounds of the air conditioning or mice in the air vents had both of the agents spooked. _y/n_ remembered how the pictures of the bodies reminded her of a horror movie, and this was no different. She didn’t want to think of dying in a place like this. It was too awful to imagine. Although the building wasn’t that old, the bottom floor seemed more disused and old than the first floor. It felt like something out of a bad dream. The floors were dusty and the paint was peeling from humidity that had probably sprouted mold. Slowly they made it to the old lab. The door opened with a terrible squeak, letting anyone in the basement know that they were there. Unfortunately for them, the person whom Spencer hadn’t expected to see was waiting for them on the other side of the door. Just as Reid stepped into the tomb-like room, he was hit on the head with a metal tray. The lean agent stumbled back into _y/n_ who dropped her phone. Right as Spence moaned in pain, a set of strong hands pushed _y/n_ back into the far wall. _y/n_ clawed at her assailant, but it did no good, she got the same metal tray to the head that had incapacitated Spencer. The feeling of a cold needle inserted into _y/n_’s arm stilled her movements entirely. 

_y/n_ woke up to her head spinning. There was a light bulb somewhere above her, but it seemed to be swimming in the air. Its apparent swinging motion made _y/n_ feel sick to her stomach. Everything seemed so bright and dark at the same time. _y/n_ bit back any painful sound or bile from rising in her mouth. After a few minutes, _y/n_ could see more clearly. _y/n_ assessed the situation and realized that she was strapped to a metal chair. Her arms and legs were strapped to her sides and legs to that of the chairs' metal legs. _y/n_ lolled her head to the side and noticed Spencer similarly strapped to a metal table. His arms and legs were held tight by restraints. His shirt had been removed and _y/n_ wanted to look away to respect his privacy. _y/n_ also wanted to ask if he was okay. If anything had happened to him yet. _y/n_’s desire was cut short as a young woman moved into the stark space. _y/n_ now noticed the chipping navy paint, and she realized that this must be where the murders had taken place. _y/n_ took a breath and the woman standing in front of them said, “You’re finally awake. Good. I took your badges and guns. You won’t need them now. When I’m finished with you both you won’t be recognizable anyway. Did you think you were going to catch me down here? On my turf?” Jenni sounded cocky like she had her system down to a T. Spencer took a labored breath and said, “What, what do you plan on doing with us?” There was just a hint of fear in his voice. _y/n_ understood it. He was the one strapped up and disrobed, not her. Jenni gave a cold laugh and said, “I’m gonna cut you up of course. Put the motto of this fucking school on your back and then show that bitch Kitty just how wrong she is by making you as fucking ugly as that bastard you left me for a good-for-nothing whore in sophomore year. I gave him everything. And how does he repay me? By cheating on a dumb blonde that can’t even pass a biology test.” The weight of Jenni’s delusion and obsessiveness sat with _y/n_ as she watched the woman pull a glinting scalpel from a rotten drawer in the room and approach Spencer. It seemed she transferred her anger at being cheated onto her victims. And they were her latest. For one moment _y/n_ wanted to thrash and scream and close her eyes to everything around her. This didn’t feel fair. This wasn’t what she’d signed up for when she joined the BAU. It felt like being pushed into the lockers in high school for something she hadn’t done. And then it clicked. All of this, was so, so very high school, and if she could lean into that, maybe, just maybe she could buy time. Without even thinking, _y/n_ said, “Are you really so insecure that you had to kill other people too? Why not just Bobby and Kitty? They were the ones that fucked you over, right?” _y/n_’s statement had Jenni turn on her heel. A rage filled her face, turning it red as she retorted, “Well that wouldn’t be any fun now, would it? I could just kill them, but watching them suffer was so much better. I got rid of Bobby’s friends first, and he came crawling to me for support, not his little bitch. He never knew until it was too late, bless him. Then seeing Kitty’s face this morning when she found out he was dead, I could have framed it and put it on my mantle. I might still actually.” There was s tense silence before Jenni said, “But you’re just trying to distract me. I’m going to do your friend's first agent _y/l/n_ and then I’m going to do you, and I’ll make you watch just so you know what’s going to happen to you in a few minutes.” _y/n_ struggled against the zip ties that were holding her down, as she attempted to think of anything to stop Jenni from carving into the skin of Spencer’s back. Jenni started saying, “Lux et Veritas” over and over again as if steeling herself for what she was about to do. “This is about spite and insecurity,” _y/n_’s brain whispered to her. And did _y/n_ know a thing or two about insecurity? 

The words came unbidden, and _y/n_ said, “You know for a killer you’re really stupid. Dr. Reid didn’t go to Yale, he went to Stanford. But I guess you didn’t do your research huh Like you didn’t notice those bottles of formaldehyde over on the counter over there. So unless you’re ready to cut Die Luft der Freiheit Weht into Dr. Reid here, I think you’re shit out of luck. Just like you were in getting Bobby back..” Those words had the effect _y/n_ wanted on Jenni, but the outpouring of anger streaming from the woman with the knife left _y/n_ speechless for a moment as Jenni turned to face her. The unsub said, “Look at you fucking smart ass. What if I fixed your face before I end your partner? I could cut out your tongue and you wouldn’t be able to make any more smart quips. I bet you were always the center of attention. Well, no one will look at or hear you when I’m done. Of course, I’m saying that hypothetically. You’ll both be dead when I’m finished with you.” Jenni swiped the knife right in front of _y/n_’s face and the agent felt the blade just gash her brow. The wound could have been much, much worse. And _y/n_ expected it to be as Jenni stepped closer and said, “Now hold still and it won’t be so bad for you. I promise. I’ve done this loads of times. Except those were dead people and you’re not. So just act dead for a few minutes.” _y/n_ flinched and closed her eyes. Trying to picture anything that might comfort her and not what was actually happening. Perhaps her plans of distracting Foster from hurting Spencer had worked too well. But as _y/n_ reflected in a split second, _y/n_ realized it would be all worth it if he didn’t get hurt. Dr. Reid had a similar line of thought and said, “You hate cheaters, right Jenni? You don’t care about some girl who makes you feel othered. Your real issue is with people who betray those they claim to love. Well if you’re looking for someone to punish it’s me. I’m that guy. I can’t keep a girlfriend even though I’ve had plenty. They just grow stale to me. I’m never happy. Don’t blame _y/n_ for that. She’s always stood by me as I threw her feelings in her face time and time again.” Reid’s comments threw Jenni for a loop and she kept rocking back and forth not knowing who to get first. Who had done the worst thing in her mind? Even though _y/n_ had gawked at Spence’s statement, she caught on quickly to his strategy. First, he’d never had a girlfriend that she knew about, and second, he’d never, ever told her that he was interested in her, even though she was interested in him. And that was the game. Lie to Jenni, and keep her off balance enough to not let her get to either of them. Thankfully neither of the agents had to come up with more lies as the door to the room burst open. It was Hotch, Rossi, and Emily, plus a few LEOs from the UPD. Jenni was too stunned to move as Dave rushed in and took her hands, pulling them behind her back. Meanwhile, Aaron moved to Spencer to free him of his binds while Emily helped _y/n_ out of her zip ties. _y/n_ felt overwhelmed but rushed to Spence once he was free. She didn’t want to require comfort from him, but she needed it. They had some close to a bad end, and she didn’t even notice that he still hadn’t put his shirt back on yet. She pressed her face to his warm chest which was bare and heaving with the ordeal he had also been through. 

That realization hadn’t hit her until the stark red and blue lights were flashing from an ambulance in the bright light of day. While Hotch explained how he’d had a bad feeling about them going into the building alone. To _y/n_ it didn’t feel right to be outside in the daylight with JJ and Emily standing by her side as the paramedics looked over her and Reid. Nothing seemed to feel right after the cavernous dark that was the old med building. The fact that it was still daylight juxtaposed to the literal and metaphorical dark from before jarred _y/n_ in a way that she hadn’t expected. The medical professionals cleared both Spencer and _y/n_ after giving _y/n_ a bandaid for the cut on her face. 

The flight home felt strange as the team tried to decompress. _y/n_ felt a weight of inadequacy like she’d let things happen to her instead of initiating the action herself. And it had all happened so quickly with Jenni. _y/n_ sat with her thoughts at the back of the plane. Now and then she’d peek a glance at Spencer who was spread out across one of the couches sleeping. Sometimes _y/n_ thought that the jet was the only place she saw him sleep. Most of the time he was like a ball of nervous energy just waiting to be let out somehow. _y/n_ would walk with him on Sunday mornings, and he’d talk about how he’d stayed up all night reading a new ancient text online, or how he’d been the last person at the library just as they closed. And during the week if _y/n_ tossed and turned, she’d call Spence up and ask him what he was doing. Or she’d try and think about the most random question, like how many cows there were in Iowa, or what was the shortest river in Europe, and who decided what was a river and what was a stream. He always had an answer for her silly questions. He would talk long enough that she would fall back asleep with her face pressed into the covers and Reid still talking until he was sure she was asleep. Just once, _y/n_ had thought that Spencer had made up some fact or figure just to fill the quiet space in the night. So she could finally rest. She hadn’t asked him about it after. She knew she was just lucky to have him as a friend. Now as Spencer dreamt and she doubted, it felt weird. _y/n_’s train of thought was interrupted as Rossi sat across from her with a small groan. Dave looked at how tired _y/n_ appeared and said, “What’s eating you, kid?” Rossi’s affectionate nickname always brought a smile to _y/n_’s face and this was no exception, except it slipped quickly after. _y/n_ rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and said, “I don't know Rossi. I didn’t feel like a profiler back there. I felt like a kid. What’s the point of all the training and stuff if you feel too scared when you really should be doing your job?” Dave nodded in understanding and said, “_y/n_, we all freeze. All of us. Don’t think you’re some rare exception to that. But when it came to it, you did act. One doesn’t have to feel like a profiler to profile. Nobody was calling Howard Teten a profiler when he came up with the method we use, and yet he still did it. Profiling is less about fancy words and techniques and more about trusting your gut when things get hairy. And you did just that. You realized that provoking the unsub would distract her from Spencer. And I’m sure Dr. Reid would be happy to tell you that he’s relieved he didn’t leave that situation with a permanent mark of Yale or Stanford’s mottos carved into his back.” That had _y/n_ chuckle and Rossi was happy to see her lighten up a bit. The older man stood and just before he moved to take his seat across from Aaron again, he said, “Remember kid, in the end, we’re all just base instincts. Just things filled with wants and needs No one can fight them, not even Spencer Reid.” Rossi patted her shoulder and left her wide-eyed and speechless. Was Rossi, Rossi hitting on her on Spencer's behalf? _y/n_ had to move to the bathroom to not let anyone see how flustered she was at the soft comment. 

In the small space, _y/n_ splashed cold water on her face. She looked into the mirror at her appearance. She’d hoped that she couldn’t be read that easily. She’d hidden her feelings for Spencer from everyone, especially Reid. If he’d caught on, he hadn’t said anything about it. _y/n_ sent up a prayer that no one else had noticed apart from Rossi. She didn’t have the bandwidth to think about it right now and she couldn’t stay holed up in the bathroom for the rest of the flight. _y/n_ took a deep breath, straightened her _y/f/c_ shirt, and then moved back into the cabin of the plane. When she got back to her seat the wave of exhaustion she had been waiting to hit her for the last hour and a half finally did. As she let sleep take her, she wondered if it was possible that Spencer loved her back. She doubted it. When the jet landed back in Quantico, it was dark and sleeting outside. The winter weather just wasn’t ready to let go yet. It wouldn’t for at least another month. As everyone piled into the bullpen, shaking off the cold, Spencer approached _y/n_ and said, “I’ll drive you home if you're ready.” _y/n_ looked up from her go bag and said, “You don’t have to do that Spence. I can take the tube. My place is in the opposite direction from yours.” Reid rolled his eyes and said, “I know that, _y/n_.” It’s not like he hadn’t driven her home every chance he got without it being too obvious that he had a crush on her. They always had this dance of her saying no but then giving in when he’d just wait around her desk. It wasn’t any different this night. Reid didn’t like the idea of _y/n_ taking a bus, and then a long train ride to her home every night. It wasn’t just the high rate of accidents that happened on public transport and a crumbling infrastructure system, but the people she might see there. Reid wasn’t one for catastrophizing but he just didn’t want _y/n_out there where anything could happen to her. His mind flashed to the case and how Jenni had held the scalpel at _y.n_. ; promising to “fix her.” At that moment in the dark, the last thing he was thinking about was himself. The scene was eating at his insides like acid. It took _y/n_ tapping him on the shoulder and saying, “I’m ready now if the offer’s still valid.” Spencer nodded and they both walked out into the night. 

On the twenty-minute drive back to her place there was silence until Reid asked, “What are you doing once you get home?” _y/n_ looked at him with some surprise. He didn’t normally ask her about what she did outside of work. She assumed he just wasn’t interested, thus why she thought he didn’t have feelings for her. _y/n_ replied, “I don’t know. Probably have _y/f/f/f_ delivered and watch _y/f/f/g/m_. I need a good light-hearted distraction after that case.” She then turned the question on him and said, “How about you?” Spencer flipped on the turn signal and smoothly took his car on the wide turn that led to _y/n_’s street. He stole a glance at her and then back at the road before saying, “Probably do some reading. And I need to call my mom. I do it on the second of every month. I have to call her on even days of the month. She gets angry if I don’t.” Hearing the date had something snap in _y/n_. She muttered, “Oh God, it’s the second already?” Spencer looked at her concerned and said, “_y/n_, what’s the matter?” _y/n_ took her hands from her head and said, “I have that lecture to give in two days for Derek. I completely forgot about it with the case.” The lecture was sounding more and more like a pain, especially now that she would have to write it in just two days. Reid said, “I could stay and help you if you like?” _y/n_ nodded her head no and said, “Thanks Spence, but I’ll figure it out. I just gotta have a cup of c/t_ or an energy drink or something.” Even as the word left her, _y/n_’s heart ached. She wanted Reid’s help so much, needed it. But he looked so tired. More than usual. _y/n_ knew the incident in the lab had shaken him up like it had her, but he was just better at hiding it. Also, _y/n_ felt that if they were couped up in her tiny overpriced studio apartment together she’d do something she’d regret. Something that she wouldn’t ever be able to take back. Rossi’s comment on the plane wasn’t helping her think clearly, and she needed a clear head to write this stupid lecture. _y/n_ didn’t notice the little tug of concern on Spence’s lips as he pulled in front of her building. He just said, “Okay, _y/n_. Well, I’ll give you a ring after I call my mom and see how you’re doing. Okay?” _y/n_ nodded and took her bag from Reid’s hand. She very quickly said goodbye and thanked him, as she almost sprinted out of the car. She was beginning to feel a headache come on and if she stayed a moment longer she would invite him and I’d all be over. She couldn’t sacrifice the great friendship she had built with him for a fling that might not pan out. Holed up in her space, _y/n_ let whatever emotions she had flooded over her and she dropped her bag with a thud and crawled into bed for an hour. It was Spencer’s call that got her up and to work with what she assumed was going to be the worst N.A.T. lecturer of all time. 

_y/n_ had shown up at the office with a persistent headache and a half-shod draft of what she hoped she could shape into a lecture by the end of the day. Five hours after her arrival, Spencer was making comments that she didn’t understand and weren’t exactly encouraging sounding. _y/n_ stood and said, “Alright Spence. Let me see it, you’re not annotating Chaucer after all.” Reid looked up at her, pen still in hand. _y/n_ didn’t sound pleased and he wasn't sure why. He handed her lecture back to her and watched her face contort slightly at what he thought were very helpful notes. _y/n_ let out a breath and sat on the edge of Spence’s desk. His comments might be copious and slightly annoying, but he was still offering to help her which she was grateful for. She’d have to say she was sorry for being so snippy, but she didn’t feel a hundred percent and it was showing in her actions. However, the apology never had a chance to be voiced as Reid’s comments began to swim in front of _y/n_’s eyes, the bright and happy voices of Em, JJ, and Garcia cut through the haze. _y/n_ looked over at the group. Emily said, “We’re getting drinks at the bar down the street. Y’all should come with us. It’s past five and we deserve a drink after that case.” _y/n_ opened her mouth to say no, but Penelope cut her off saying, “All work and no play makes _y/n_ a dull girl. Now, do you want to be a dull girl in front of the NATs tomorrow?” _y/n_ shook her head and let out a laugh at Garcia’s logic. As cliche as it was, _y/n_ couldn’t argue with it. The _y/h/c_ed agent put her hands up in surrender and said, “Alright, alright. I’m coming.” That got a cheer from the group. _y/n_ looked over at Spencer and said, “You coming?” Reid wanted to say no, to just keep working for a while longer, but _y/n_’s strange behavior and the pleading look she was giving him had him cave and agree too. _y/n_ dropped her lecture notes on her desk as she grabbed her purse and left with the group. The five agents drove in Emily’s and JJ’s cars to the strip of bars near the Quantico Field office. As everyone clamored into a booth at the iconic South of DC Bar, Garcia said, “I can’t wait for the weather to get better and for it to be light out later. Winter gives me the ick big time.” Everyone laughed and agreed. A waiter came and got their first round of drinks. _y/n_ wasn’t planning on drinking a lot due to her engagement in the morning and Spencer only got water. He wanted to make sure there was at least one person sober to drive them back if need be. _y/n_ stuck to her plans and just had one other drink which was a shot, paid for by Penelope. Garcia, JJ, and Em had finally gotten _y/n_ and Spencer out together, but the plan to get the two, young, agents together wasn’t working as they hoped. The fact that _y/n_ wasn’t drunk enough to ask how her dating life was going to steer the conversion in that direction. Spencer also seemed to have something on his mind as he sipped his water and didn’t seem that invested in the conversation the group was having. Of course, Em, JJ, and Pen couldn’t know that he was replaying the scene from his car over and over again in his head. He wondered if he’d said something to piss _y/n_ off. She’d been acting differently since they’d arrived home. Reid knew he could be blunt, and come off as uncaring, but last night he’d tried at tenderness, and _y/n_’s response seemed to confirm that she wasn’t interested in him like that. Not like he wanted them to be. 

The evening seemed like a bust, as the group closed out and moved toward their cars. They had to park a few streets over as the bar crowd picked up right after work in the inner city. As the group moved toward their vehicles, the sound of five guys in an alley across the road caught the profilers’ attention. _y/n_ looked through the gloom and noticed the men huddled around a woman who seemed to be very drunk, or even drugged. The sight had a hard pit form in _y/n_’s stomach. Rossi had talked about instinct and desire, and _y/n_ knew the men surrounding the helpless women had a bad desire. Desire was one thing, but when it went bad, it went really bad as evidenced by Jenni. _y/n_ wouldn’t stand it. She wasn’t going to let this just happen to a stranger. Emily had seen the same thing and both agents quickly ran across the road avoiding a car. Prentiss shouted, “Hey. get your hands off her. Back off!” The group of men turned. One smiled with terrible teeth and said, “Look fellows, some girls want to join the fun.” _y/n_ could have spat with anger at being called a girl. She held back her fury and said, “You heard my friend, get the fuck off of her.” The apparent leader of the group said, “Well men. Looks like we have a fighter. Try and make me babe.” The tall man couldn’t have expected to be thrown against the wall and away from the woman he’d been harassing. The leader, snapped up in anger for being manhandled even though that was what he’d just been doing himself. The rage surged in him and he stepped forward. He was significantly taller than _y/n_ and it didn’t take much for him to slam _y/n_ into the wall she had pushed him into. As he gripped _y/n_’s _l/m/s_ hair at the base he growled, “You little whore. I’ll show you what happens when a cunt gets in my way.” The man pressed his body to her’s pinning her to the wall. He then grabbed her head and smashed it into the brick wall. If _y/n_ had thought her head hurt before in the office it didn’t even compare on a scale with what she was feeling now. Everything went black for a second and her body slumped against the wall. 

Spencer watched it all happen before he could do anything because the cars now wouldn’t stop coming. He cringed as _y/n_’s face got bashed into the wall. He watched as Emily moved in to help and pulled the guy away before being hit too. Finally, the cars stopped because of the red light up ahead, and Spencer shouted at JJ, “Call the cops,” as he sprinted across the road and past a stalled car. Reid booked it across the road. When he was a foot from the scene, he used the strongest voice he had to say “Federal Agent, break it up right now.” Spencer channeled Derek and Aaron as much as he could, as he pushed one of the men off Emily. The leader looked up and said, “Yeah, yeah beanpole. Show me a badge and I’ll believe you.” Reid let out a heavy breath, pulled out his badge, and flashed it around to the men who were now moving slowly back into the alley. The group noticed as JJ and Garcia ended up on their side of the street, flashing their badges. The last straw was when Emily got up and showed her badge too. The flashing of police lights had the group scatter like flies. JJ stepped forward and helped the woman who had been harassed up and toward the first police car that arrived while Spencer knelt next to _y/n_ and Emily. _y/n_was stirring back to wakefulness and the pain stunned her into groaning. _y/n_ kept her eyes closed as concerned voices floated above her. The sounds of sirens mostly filled her ears. _y/n_ moved a hand to touch her face which was throbbing with a consistent pain down her nose and cartilage beneath it.  _y/n_’s hand got stopped and that firm yet gentle grip finally had her open her eyes. Spencer was holding her hand and said in a worried voice, “Don’t touch your face, _y/n_. I think your nose is broken. Can you breathe through it at all?” _y/n_ took a tentative breath through it and replied, “I can. It hurts, but I can.” Her voice sounded weak and far away. As _y/n_ came more to her senses, her pain level heightened, and she noticed Emily beside her. Prentiss looked as bad as _y/n_ felt and _y/n_ said, “Em, how are you? You okay?” Prentiss shrugged and said, “I’ve felt better, but I’ll survive. Nothing gives me as much satisfaction as scaring some tough guys off. I just wished it ended without us looking like we fell down five flights of stairs.” Prentiss’s comment had _y/n_ chuckle which was a mistake as it hurt like hell the instant _y/n_  started laughing. _y/n_ looked up as JJ’s familiar shoes approached the group on the ground. JJ bent down next to Spencer and asked, “Should I call an ambulance?” Em cut in and said, “Not for me. I’m not going to spend hours in a hospital only to be given some Benadryl and an exorbitant co-pay. I’m not that bad. If it keeps hurting in the morning I’ll go the the ER.” JJ acknowledged Emily’s point and then looked over to _y/n_. _y/n_ was in pain, but the more she thought about it, the more she thought that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong with her apart from her nose. _y/n_ looked from Spencer and then to JJ and said, “I think I’m fine. I can breathe and see straight. Just a bit sore.” Again JJ nodded and said, “Okay, well Hotch is on his way. Garcia called him before we crossed the street and some of the cops went to look for those guys while the others were taking care of the lady we found.” Hearing that Hotch was coming had _y/n_ groan and say, “Hotch is gonna be mad. I shouldn’t have jumped into a scene like that.” Emily chuckled and said, “Well it was pretty impressive, but let me handle him. We’ve all done something like this before. It’s just the first time for you. He’ll have some stern words for you in his office tomorrow, but he’ll understand.” _y/n_ gave a little nod and felt comforted by Emily’s reassurance. Perhaps it wouldn’t be as bad as she imagined. 

Spencer helped her to her feet after another minute on the cold ground, _y/n_ grunted with the effort, but put on a brave face which was bleeding again. The wound from Jenni had reopened and was oozing blood, along with her nose and a split lip. _y/n_ could taste the iron of her blood as she wiped at her face with her sleeve. _y/n_ leaned heavily on Reid, as she gave a brief statement to the cops and a bit of a longer one to Aaron who had his arms crossed over his chest in a pseudo-disappointed but mainly concerned face. After a half hour, Spencer approached JJ and they had a quiet conversation between them. It ended with JJ handing over her car keys and giving him a pat on the shoulder. _y/n_ was leaning against one of the cop cars, and Spencer approached her with a soft concern. The genius said, “Alright, _y/n_ I’m taking you to the ER.” _y/n_ looked up at him and said, “Can’t you just take me home?” Spence nodded no and replied, “Nope. You don’t have to go to the hospital, but I am having you looked at. If nothing else I need to make sure your nose isn’t broken.” _y/n_ tried a last defense as she said, “But Emily…” Spencer cut her off and said, “Emily is Emily, and Hotch is taking her to the ER too, she just doesn’t know it yet. Now please stop arguing with me, _y/n_.” Whatever _y/n_ was going to say died in her mouth. Spencer’s tone left no room for negotiation. She’d never heard him be so demanding yet comforting at the same time. They walked silently to JJ’s car. Spencer opened the passenger side door for her, before getting in the driver's seat. He turned the key in the ignition and drove toward the nearest clinic. _y/n_ closed her eyes and tried not not sound like she was struggling to breathe or make pained sounds as they drove over speed bumps or potholes. _y/n_ didn’t know if or what to say. She was contemplating how many new things had happened to her this week. How she’d personally been threatened by an unsub, how she’d gotten into another hairy situation this evening. As _y/n_ reflected on the two incidents, she could at least say she had acted decisively on the second occasion. _y/n_ could feel Spencer thinking beside her and she had to ask, “Are you disappointed in me?” _y/n_ didn’t know why she asked, or if she wanted to know the answer, but Spence was her best friend and she didn’t think she could stand not knowing what he was thinking. The heavy silence had _y/n_ squirm in her seat. After another minute and a lot of rewording in Reid’s head, he replied, “I’m not disappointed in you, _y/n_. Just worried. First, there was the case in the lab, and now this. I wish you didn’t jump into things so strongly. But you did the right thing. The brave thing.” Again Spencer was giving her mixed signals. She didn’t know if he was mad at her or proud. Or maybe a mix of both. It was so hard to tell with him and her head was pounding again. Trying to understand what Reid’s core emotion was, she stated, “You would have jumped in too. Emily did.” Spencer sighed deeply and said, “I would have jumped in now. But probably not when was a first-year agent. I know now that I don’t have to physically jump into every situation, but that comes with time.” Reid’s statement only left _y/n_ more confused, so she shut her eyes and mouth and just tried to breathe normally. For a profiler, she didn’t feel that good at reading him right now. 

Spencer was doing his darndest to mask his real emotions, concern, and worry. He’d meant what he said to _y/n_, but he hadn’t meant it to come off as so passive-aggressive. So hot and cold. The issue was he was all hot and soft and wanted to pull _y/n_ into a hug and tell her that she had been so brave, if not cocky for taking on five men at once. It wasn’t the technique he would have used, but she’d moved on instinct, a pure instinct to protect and defend someone in need. He saw her do this over and over and over on the field. She did it with him and it made him love her even more. But _y/n_ was trying to act brave and fight back tears as they got closer to the ER, and he didn’t know how to tell her he cared about her more than anything without telling her he loved her. It wasn’t possible, so he let the silence sit again. Thankfully the small clinic that was nearest to them was only five minutes away, and he pushed the pedal down a bit farther to get _y/n_ the care she claimed she didn’t need. 

Inside the small office, Spencer grabbed an intake packet while _y/n_ handed over her insurance card. The receptionist said, “It should be about thirty minutes. The nurse will call you back when they’re ready for you.” Reid nodded and led _y/n_ to a chair. She had her eyes closed and her head in her hands. The pain was slowly ebbing back into her body as her energy dipped again. Spencer realized that the lights were bothering her, and he set the forms down on the adjacent chair. He slipped off his jacket and draped it over _y/n_’s hunched head and shoulders. _y/n_ felt an instant reprieve as the lights that she was trying to keep out of her view disappeared under a blanket of black. She let out a sigh of relief. Swallowing down her emotions, _y/n_ peaked out from under the coat. Spencer was filling out the tedious form for her and she whispered, “Thanks, Spence.” Spencer looked over to her and said, “Of course, _y/n_.” He patted his shoulder as if saying, “You can rest your head here.” _y/n_ had never heard him use such kindness with her before. He looked out for her, but not like this. She didn’t have the energy to read into anything anymore. She just accepted what was being offered and dropped the jacket over her face again, not caring if she looked silly. _y/n_ also dipped her head onto his warm shoulder, letting the scratching of the pen and the dimmed sound of the TV fill her ears. A half-hour later, _y/n_ got seen by a doctor who informed her that her nose had a minor fracture. The doctor did put two stitches in on her forehead to close up the scar that was much deeper than _y/n_ had expected. _y/n_ tried to pay attention as the medical man gave her care instructions and prescription for a stronger pain relief. He also gave her a large dose of Advil for her to be able to rest that night. Reid checked her out and got her prescription from the nurse at the exit. The tired woman tried to flirt with him, but he didn’t respond. He just wanted to get _y/n_ home safely. 

The ride back was soft as the pain medication started making _y/n_ drowsy. Spencer got her up to her apartment and room. Just as Spencer thought _y/n_ was asleep, _y/n_ said, “Call me tomorrow at eleven so I can get up in time to make that lecture.” Reid wanted to tell her to take a break. He’d give the lecture, but by that time she was already asleep. Reid let out a soft breath. He pulled the covers over _y/n_’s form and turned off the light in her room. Spencer softly slipped out of her room and locked the electronic lock behind him. As he drove JJ’s car back to the liaison’s apartment, he considered his feelings. How he’d watched _y/n_ grow as an agent so far with the BAU. They had just kind of clicked in a way that he hadn’t expected. It had started as early as her first case as she noticed something in his geographic profile that he had missed. As it turned out sometimes Spencer’s attention to tiny details and his expansive knowledge left holes in the bigger picture. Holes that _y/n_ could see and point out. She’d come to him personally to point it out. She didn’t make a big deal of catching something that the infamous Dr. Reid had missed. She didn’t try and show off, she just pointed it out like he was a normal person, like everyone else who made human errors. Since then they had just stuck. They balanced the other out. Spencer sighed as he thought about her battered face, her desire to prove herself again and again like she wasn’t good enough already. That was the problem with liking someone in the department, who had to watch them throw themselves in danger over and over and it killed Reid. That was another reason he had kept his feelings at bay. But tonight something had shifted, and he didn’t know if he could pretend anymore. He’d sleep on it and re-evaluate in the morning. He found this policy worked for almost everything in his life, and he hoped to any God that it would bring clarity the following day. 

As it turned out, _y/n_ didn’t need to have Spencer call her in the morning, as she woke up sore and in pain at 7:00 a.m. She got up and drank a glass of water with her pain meds. She reminded herself that she needed to pick up her prescription as she started making some _c/t_. _y/n_ then moved to the mirror and cringed at the sight of her face. _y/n_ did her best to fight the puffiness with makeup, but even as hard as she tried, no makeup was going to cover everything. The stitches for one couldn’t be touched for a few days, so they stood out like a sore thumb. _y/n_ called Emily and asked if she was coming in that morning. Prentiss replied, “Yup. Hotch wants to talk to us. I forgot to tell you last night. I kind of passed out once I got home.” _y/n_ nodded, accepting the inevitable, and said, “Okay. What time did he say?” Pernitss replied, “Noon. He promised to make it quick.” _y/n_ bit the inside of her mouth, but she’d rather get this unpleasant lecture over with before giving her lecture later in the day. _y/n_ asked, “Can you come pick me up? I want your reassurance before seeing Hotch.” Emily lightly laughed on the other end of the line and said, “You got it. _y/n_. Be there in thirty-ish minutes.” _y/n_ got changed and picked up her work bag. She remembered Spencer and shot him a text as Emily arrived saying that she was up and headed to the office. She also said, “Thanks for your help last night. See you in a few.” _y/n_ still wasn’t sure what last night was between them, a fight? A confession? She couldn’t say, but she was too stressed about the meeting with Hotch to think about it now. 

Hotch’s lecture about jumping into situations without thinking first was stern enough to remind them to not do that again but hinted at a kind of pride that he only showed for his team and no one else. Two hours after that talk _y/n_ was standing in front of the lectern with a sea of NATs sitting in front of her. There were at least two hundred in this class, and somehow giving this lecture now felt more daunting than anything else that had happened that week. Maybe because it was the last big thing she needed to do before the weekend, or that she was a bit overdressed for the occasion, or that the lights were hurting her eyes. The front of the stage was uncomfortably hot with all the lights pointed at her. _y/n_ took one last breath before looking at her useless notes, which she hadn’t looked at since yesterday afternoon. The man that had introduced her had just said that Derek Morgan couldn’t make it today and then said her name and that was it. _y/n_ felt like they deserved a better explanation than that. So she started by saying, “Well, as you all know, Derek Morgan was supposed to be talking to you today. As you can see, I’m not him.” That got a chuckle from a good part of the audience. _y/n_ placed her hand on either side of the lectern and said, “If it’s not clear by Morgan’s absence, and well, my face, a lot of unexpected things can happen in the FBI. And that’s really what your case studies are about. To learn to adapt and observe. You’ve got a month left at the academy and that month is going to go fast, so allow me to tell you what to expect.” _y/n_ looked out at the young and eager faces in front of her. She looked to the back and noticed Spencer standing there. She’d hardly had time to see him today, and it gave her a profound amount of comfort to have him here. _y/n_ relaxed and jumped into her thoughts and experiences with her case studies. She hardly went off her notes and just went on instinct. She didn’t sound rehearsed or like she was trying to be smart. She was just being herself. The person Spencer admired more than anyone at the moment. _y/n_ managed to make it through most of her remarks and felt grateful that the agents in training were paying attention to her while taking notes or nodding along. She detailed how now was the time to make mistakes. How it was better to ask all your questions, even stupid ones, during these exercises and not when you were out on the field. How to tag evidence, and how to look for small and big details in the fake cases they would be given. Just as _y/n_ was about to make her final point and wrap up, a wave of dizziness hit her out of nowhere. _y/n_ stumbled a bit, and suddenly, the lights were so bright, and her jacket felt like it was suffocating her. Not sure what was happening, _y/n_ closed her eyes tight and gripped the lectern tightly. There was a murmur from the NATs. This wasn’t how she wanted her lecture to end, but not thinking of any other choice but ducking behind the stage to get a seat, she said, “Sorry. I’m not feeling so well. My friend and colleague, Dr. Spencer Reid will close out the lecture. Thank you all for your time, and good luck with the last month. I believe all of you have what it takes to be great agents.” There were a few hesitant claps of applause as _y/n_ moved off stage on shaky feet. She was met by the man who had introduced her, and led her to a chair on the side of the stage. He asked if she wanted to go, but she protested and just sat in the dark trying to regain her composure. 

Spencer had watched as _y/n_ swayed unsteadily at the front of the room. His heart leaped in his chest, seeing _y/n_ like this. He hadn’t expected to be called to speak. But _y/n_ had asked, and he moved onto the stage. He quickly introduced himself even though everyone in the audience already knew who he was. Reid looked down at the last page of _y/n_’s notes, which she had sort of been following, and realized most of the page were just his corrections, and suddenly, he understood why she had been so annoyed yesterday morning. His annotations were too much to be helpful. Spence sighed, looked at the students, and then into the wings where _y/n_ was sitting on a chair. Reid started talking, but it wasn’t for the students, at least not wholly. He said, “Being in the FBI isn’t an easy job. I think you all know that now, and if you don’t, well I guess it’t not too late to quit, but what will all have that work been for then? As you head into your case studies, I have one last thing to tell you, and that’s that you need friends now and when you’re on the field. I say this because there’s always something you’ll miss, and if you make friends, they can tell you that and fill in the gaps. You need someone you can call night or day because things will get hard, and you’ll be lost or scared or think you’re not doing enough. You’ll need someone to remind you that you're just as human as everyone else. So as you get sorted into your teams and assigned your cases, get to know your team members. Trust them. I think that’s the best advice I can offer you. Thank you.” With that, Spence exited stage left and replaced the introducer who moved back into the bright light of the stage to dismiss the NATs. Spencer checked in with _y/n_, who said, “Thanks Spence. Sorry to put you on the spot like that.” Reid shook his head and said, “It was nothing. How do you feel, what happened?” _y/n_ swallowed and said, “I don’t know, I just got faint. It’s passed now, I think.” Spencer couldn’t hide his genuine concern for her as he said, “_y/n_, please let me take you to the hospital or something. You shouldn’t be nearly fainting.” _y/n_ looked at him and didn’t think she could bear another two hours in a waiting room. She said, “Spencer, please. If you’ve ever cared about me, can you just take me to _y/l/p_ and then drive me home?” The words left her mouth before she could stop them. Reid stilled at her words and said, “Okay, _y/n_. Whatever you want.” The pair quickly made it to Spencer's car in the lot just outside the NAT training building. 

Once they were inside his car, _y/n_ said, “Spence, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say it like that. I didn’t mean to assume or throw your concern back in your face. You’ve always been so nice to me, and I guess I just saw what I wanted to.” Reid looked at _y/n_ and said, “I love you, _y/n_.” The words astounded _y/n_, and she didn’t know what to say apart from, “What?” Spencer looked at her with the eyes he had last night on the drive back to her apartment and said, “I’ve loved you for a long time, and I didn’t know what to say. I meant everything up there on that stage. You’re my best friend, and you remind me that I’m human, and why I’m doing what I am. I just didn’t say the part about how I’ve been bottling up my feelings for months now. Because I’m a coward when it comes to my feelings. _y/n_ was almost in tears now, and she said, “You’re not a coward Spencer, and if you are, then I am too because I love you too, and I never said anything either.” Spence couldn’t take it anymore. He leaned across the console to embrace _y/n_. He was mindful of her face, and as _y/n_ pressed into him, he relaxed. Feelings were hard. He still didn’t fully understand them, but with _y/n_, he was just human enough to want to embrace them.

______________________________________________________________

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[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo Queer Cinema Syllabus

Not to sound repetitive but, I had a busy couple weeks, but finally had a second to return to @bengiyo’s queer cinema syllabus. I am currently working my way through Unit 4: Heartbreak Alley, the totally light-hearted, definitely not agonizing section of the syllabus where I get to watch countless acts of violence be committed against queer people. Thank fuck I have Lesbians waiting for me at the end of this unit. The films in Unit 4 are: Bent (1997), Strange Fruit (2004), Boys Don’t Cry (1999), Brokeback Mountain (2005), Parting Glances (1986), Philadelphia (1993), The Living End (1992), Holding the Man (2015), Jeffery (1995), and Boys on the Side (1995).

Today I will be talking about

Parting Glances (1986) dir. Bill Sherwood

[Run Time: 1:30, Available: tubi and fubo, Language: English]

Summary: As Michael and Robert, a gay couple in New York, prepare for Robert's departure for a two-year work assignment in Africa, Michael must face Robert's true motives for leaving while dealing with their circle of eccentric friends, including Nick, who is living with AIDS.

Cast: 

John Bolger as Robert

Richard Ganoung as Michael 

Steve Buscemi as Nick 

__

Well, I have to say this was very much not what I was expecting for the first AIDS related movie of the syllabus. After some pretty hefty violent deaths of queer characters in the first half of Unit 4, I was very much anticipating the heart wrenching tragedies to continue immediately once I hit the AIDS epidemic portion. But Parting Glances very much subverted my expectations of what I was walking in to, because honestly…so much of it was lovely. 

It’s not that tragedy is not a part of this movie, it is, it’s just hidden under the layer of friendship, community, and love that feels like the core theme of the film. I am thinking about the party at Joan’s and how much happiness and celebration was happening there, with community abound, and yet how Michael kept telling people they should call Nick because he would appreciate it, showing just how much Nick has lost of his own community since his HIV/AIDS diagnosis. 

I really loved how real these relationships to one another felt, the way that Michael and Robert were playful with each other, the way that Nick sat on Michael’s lap so casually for a few minutes when Michael cooked him dinner, I loved the conversation Robert had with his ex-girlfriend, the young and hopeful queer boy who wished to live forever. I just loved watching the queer community be a queer community. 

Even in the moments that get a little dour, where Michael gets especially weepy with Nick, those scenes did not make me sad, did not destroy me the way other films in this syllabus have, because that is just grief. Grief is a mighty and terrible thing, but I find beauty in it as well. I find beauty and loveliness in the fact that those tears came from Michael finally admitting to Nick that he loved him, that Nick got to hear himself that he was loved, especially when so many people seemed to have fallen away from him after his diagnosis. I find comfort in the conversations about death that Michael and Joan have together, because those are conversations I’ve had, they feel familiar, they feel like a natural part of life, perhaps they should not have to feel those points so soon, but Nick himself is right, living forever is the only thing none of us can do. 

I really loved that we saw Nick when he was at a stage in his illness where he was simply being careful, but was still full of life, energetic, that he was able to be a support system for Michael and was not only being tended to. We know what is coming, but we are not made to see it. I was really in to what the film did with it’s use of ominous backing track, that Nick could hear it, that it felt like the progression of his illness, that it felt like a sense of impending doom, a cloud that hangs over Nick. 

Throughout a lot of this film I found myself thinking about The Inheritance Part One & Part Two, a play written in 2016 based off of the book Howard’s End by EM Forster. I saw this play a few years back and was lulled in to a false sense of security that this would not be a play about AIDS because it was set in the relatively modern day with a focus on younger queer characters, but ohhhhhhh how wrong I was. Towards the end of the first part, we hear a story from a character named Walter, an older gay man that lived in the same building as the main characters, and he recounts the story of his life, how his husband, Henry, built a farm outside of New York city for the two of them to live in…right around the time that AIDS started decimating the area. How that distance still was not good enough for Henry so he would leave on business trips, because his fear of catching AIDS was so strong. 

Walter tells the story of when he went back in to the city for the first time, and ran in to a friend he used to know, who had acquired AIDS and was on the brink of death. He talks about how when Henry was away, he brought that kid to the farm Henry had built to hide from AIDS, and Walter cared for that boy until he died. Walter talks about doing that again and again and again and again, dozens of times, he would go in to the city, bring a friend back home, and care for them until they passed. 

^[sidebar: I very much do not like Robert]

Part of the play ends with Walter being asked what it was like at that time, Walter asks the main characters to name someone they know, they give a name, he says “they’re dead. Give me another name, he’s dead”. For what felt like minutes, name after name after name is called and name after name after name is dead. When I saw that scene I broke down in the theater, I cried for the entirety of the walk back to the train station, I was brought to the brink of tears at the thought of that scene for a month after I saw the show. 

I mention this because it was all that I could think about while watching Robert and Michael interact with one another, while seeing this plot unfold. Robert fleeing New York while Michael stayed to care for his dying friend. Knowing that Walter and Henry stayed together after all was said and done, after Henry had stopped running from reality, and the death rates had slowed; then seeing Robert decide not to go to Africa, and how Michael did not show any signs of planning to break up with Robert knowing, despite knowing how Robert felt too settled, how Robert had chosen to go, despite knowing that Robert was running from loss, and running from being a support for Michael when the love of his life finally dies. 

So despite the fact that Parting Glances didn’t evoke the same feelings, though I felt like overall it was a relatively upbeat, uptempo, gentle film, the current underneath it all, the dying underneath it all, the tragedy is right there but it is just out of reach. 

Favorite Scene 

I think my favorite scene is when Joan and Michael are laying in bed together, holding stuffed animals at Robert’s going away party while they just casually talk about death and dying. It just felt very much like a conversation I have had with my best friend on multiple occasions, especially lately because we've had a number of deaths happen in our lives recently. And yes, my friend and I both match the type of conversation part this scene, and also the beating each other up with stuffed animals part of this scene.

Obviously we do not spend enough time with the other characters at the party to know exactly what is going on in their lives, and there is not doubt many if not all of them have lost loved ones to AIDS, but we know that Joan and Michael are really the only two people who go and visit Nick, and it feels so symbolic of the weight that they are shouldering caring for their dying friend to have the only two people who have not cut themselves off from Nick be sitting together, in another room away from all the other gay attendees, discussing, speculating, joking about death. 

Favorite Quote

We all know the real right answer is: “Straight men are jerks. Gay men are jerks. Straight women are jerks. That leaves lesbians and they are off in their ivory towers laughing their heads off at the rest of us. I should’ve been a dyke” 

But I am going to go for the more serious:

“...look at the others, waiting, wondering if some innocent moment of pleasure long past can set them up with the ultimate form of [German word my subtitles did not state]...  I’d like to stage a piece in which all of the performers are people who are terminally ill, can you imagine the intensity, the concentration, the purpose”

This is said off-handedly in a conversation between Joan and a heterosexual male artist who was attending the party. I put it here for two reasons: a) the first half is a very succinct commentary on the state of the queer community (at least who were at the party) and feels like general commentary about the movie’s premise as a whole. Especially because Nick talks about how he didn’t realize how long the gestation period of HIV was, and by the time he started taking protective measures it was already too late. b) because the second half is just the most pretentious, absolutely mindless, careless, and shitty thing to say to someone who is actively losing a friend to a terminal illness. This fucking hetero artist came in to a room full of queer people and decided that dying people would be great to put in to his next project for ~The Vibes~ and I love that comment so much because first, it shows how much he Does Not Get It, and second because of how much disgust is baked in to Joan’s “Excuse me” as she leaves before he can finish his thought. 

Because to say that to someone who is watching loved one after loved one after loved one die before their eyes is an absolutely disgusting thing to do (in my opinion). 

Final Score

8/10

Up next, Philadelphia (1993)

[billthedrake]

TRAINING THE SALES GUY (PART TWO)

Note: this series will have some edgier content.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'd had sex with my coworker. And not just any coworker. Carson Fucking Wells. Straight bro who apparently had a thing for sucking dick. My dick included. He wasn't my direct report, at least, but still...

I spent the next week after our sales visit, I was waiting for a visit from HR. In my more dramatic, worried mind, I imagined being told to leave immediately and they'd send me my personal stuff later.

But pretty quickly, I realized Wells wasn't gonna blab. He didn't want word getting out about this either. He had even more reason to keep it private, and once the fear and fog cleared from my brain, I realized he was keeping more distance from me at the office. No more stopping into my office to shoot the breeze, no more "Boss" nickname. I was Bill again.

I was glad, really. I'd had a hot, very hot no-strings experience with a kind of hetero dude and was able to relive those memories now. I even thought about Carson during my next hookup BJ. 30 year old jocky gay guy from Grindr. Not a dead ringer or anything, but I closed my eyes while the Grindr cocksucker deep throated me and let myself be transported back to that Denver Marriott. I even grabbed Grindr guy's head like I did Carson's and start thrusting.

"You should give a guy some warning," he said when he finally came up from air, admiringly stroking my dong. "You got a big fucking dick."

"Sorry man," I apologized, stroking his dark brown hair. I kind of wished his hair coloring matched Carson's more, which was kind of fucked up. This guy was way cure and way hot. "You got a great mouth."

The flattery worked for him. "OK if I just milk that load out of you?" he asked.

I knew he'd do a good job, so I nodded. "More than OK. Have at it..."

I was out of the Carson Wells headspace, and I began to enjoy this blowjob for what it was. Some guys on Grindr overpromise their oral skills. This guy wasn't one of the bullshitters. He knew how to go gradual to work up a big of steam, then really go wild and deep on my dong to make me blast. It was awesome.

In our DMs we'd established a no-recip vibe, and indeed I didn't offer to get him off. But I did thank him and praise his ability. It was may be a one off but we both said we'd hit each other up sometime.

***

A man can go through phases. In my 20s I tried it all. Well, not every perverted kinky thing under the sun, but when it came to regular vanilla sex, I sucked, got sucked, fucked, got fucked. I tried rimming and frot, though those didn't appeal to me as much. By my 30s, I realized I was much more into topping than bottoming. It was half physical, since bottoming didn't feel fun or pleasurable to me like it did to a lot of guys. But it was that feel of being in control, of doing the penetrating, that got me going. And with the coming of online hookup sites and eventually the apps, I found identifying as a top attracted total bottoms. I thought I'd miss the vers side. Turns out, I didn't.

My 40s were about being in a relationship. Not a six month thing, or a two year thing, but marriage. I was still processing what had gone wrong with me and Rob. Maybe we fucked up a good thing, or maybe we never should have been together so long. The sex was great, but not perfect. But we'd drifted apart in emotional ways, which was tough.

Maybe that's why I was getting into the no-strings thing so much. Not being a man whore or anything, but once or twice a month, I found a guy to service me. And truth, be told the temptation was getting stronger. Grindr and Scruff had some dedicated cocksuckers, and I had the kind of dick those guys often went for.

Maybe that's why I was scrolling through the apps for the second time in a week. Work had been getting me stressed, and maybe seeing Carson had my mind wandering all afternoon. Hell, there were a number of the other younger bros I wouldn't mind sucking my dick either...

"NO GAG REFLEX" came the boast of one. I took this guy's profile with a grain of salt. Like I said, there were a lot of bullshitters on Grindr. But if he was offering...

"Hi man," I messaged. "Fucking hot profile." I was massaging the cock in my sweats. Maybe a quiet evening in wasn't gonna be so quiet.

Up till that point I'd met two men I could really let loose with orally. Rob gave pretty head, but he wasn't one of the. One was a trick who deep throated me greedily, kind of choking/gagging on my cock, but in a hungry pig kind of way. It was before all the porn videos of that kind of thing ant it seemed crazy and nasty and hot. The other was a guy I went out with for a few month, Steve. He was really into servicing me, and was very open to having his face fucked. So we did that, a lot. He wouldn't do anal, and I think I ended up calling things off with him for that reason.

Like I say, men go through phases. Now I thought of Steve as the one who got away.

I told No-gag-reflex guy about that now. About my ex-boyfriend who used to do that and how I missed it.

He boasted how he could really hand some rough throat treatment. "I'll make you forget that ex," came the reply.

Maybe he thought I was referring to someone more recent and that I was still carrying a torch. It was a hot thing to say though.

"Hell yes," I typed back.

"My place or yours?" he asked.

"Either works," I wrote. I looked down at my sweatpants and beat up T-shirt. I didn't feel like going out. "But how bout mine?" I sent him my address.

"Cool," he said. "Can be there in twenty." Then "You might wanna have a towel handy. I've not had any accidents in years, but you're a big boy."

He was probably laying it on thick. I mean, I'm hung big but not like fucking Rocco Steele or anything. Still, I got an old towel and set it out for the ready.

Turns out No Gag didn't need the towel. The dude was a pro. I'll admit he wasn't my normal type physically, but I was glad I'd gone beyond my normal type. He had a fun, horny energy as he walked in and practically begged for me to whip it out.

I did.

"Fuuuuckk..." he hissed as he reached down to slowly stroke up the length. "I'm gonna love have this fucker buried down my throat." No Gag had a way of making me feel like a porn king, and I was loving. He looked up with a flirty. "Where ya wanna do this?" he asked.

I tilted my head to direct him into the living room, where two towels were set out. One folded for his knees, the other... well...

He knelt down as I peeled down my sweats. And then he was on me. Nice, hungry sword-swallowing act. He was skilled all right, but part of me was still a little nervous going wild, since I didn't really know the guy and never had done anything before him. I did have one bad Grindr experience with a dude who swore he could deep throat me. He most decidedly could not.

"I'm going in, man," I announced. "Just tap my leg if it gets to be too much."

He mumbled around my cock in a way that communicated he didn't plan on tapping anything. So I held on to his skull and started riding. I didn't go hard at first but I gave myself some deep, slow, and steady throat action. Working in deeper... deeper... till my my nuts pressed against his chin.

"Holy fuck," I gasped. This felt awesome, amazing in a way I'd forgotten a tight throat could feel. No Gag really didn't seem to have any reflex kicking in. "Hold another second?" I asked, my cock buried deep. He didn't answer, but he didn't tap out. He just held himself calm and still and nursed my dick with his throat. I honestly I think I pulled out just so I wouldn't cum.

No Gag let out a sound that was a combo of groan and deep intake of air. "Ugh... fuck that's hot," he said.

I held my dick up, rigid and very wet. "Think we can go for some of the stuff we talked about?" I asked. In our chat, No Gag had messaged some specific things his oral tops often enjoyed doing.

"Go for it," he growled.

I nodded, then pushed back in. I gave him a second with my cock buried full in him, then I held his skull and just fucking. Not slow this time, I just pumped his mouth and throat like a fleshjack, getting off on the clutching wetness on my thrusting cock and the slick suction noises. I slowed down just a little and compensated for harder thrusts.

Turns out he did have a gag reflex after all. Nothing bad happened, but the sucker gagged around my cock a half second, then swallowed around me while I stopped. I pulled out and saw the thicker mucus on my dong. I was turned on as fuck.

"Slower?" I asked.

He had a determined look. "At first. Then you can go hard again."

I slid my hardon back between his spit wet lips and now felt the drool wet my ball sac with each inward thrust. I tried to maintain something between the fast and the hard rhythms as I pumped his face and looked down in disbelief at the man's feat in taking me. And wouldn't you know? I thought of Carson Wells and that fucking did it. My hips gave a hard jab and caused more gagging sounds. I was already cumming though, and thankfully, the sucker knew how to take me, and let me ride out my O. I relaxed and let go of my grip on his head.

Tears were streaming down his cheek when he finally pulled off, but he looked happy as a clam. "You were horny," he observed.

I looked down and patted him playfully on the cheek as way of thanks. "You made me horny... goddamn, that was incredible."

He stood up, spit on the top part of his sweatshirt, but otherwise not looking worse for the wear. I had an extra towel and handed it to him to wipe off.

"You do that a lot," he observed as he set the towel down.

I shook my head. "I haven't in years. Thanks for reminding me how much I love it."

No gag grinned. "Pleasure was mine, man. Some guys... well, they can go too hard or too easy. You were just right. "

"Any chance we could do this again?" I asked.

I was expecting a noncommittal Grindr sure-maybe response but No Gag shook his head. "Nah, man. My husband gives me a hall pass, but not for repeats?"

"Well thanks for using your hall pass on me," I replied. "Seriously, I'm gonna think about that for a while."

***

At first I thought Carson Wells had major misgivings about sucking my dick. It turns out he just didn't want anyone suspecting.

"Hey Boss," he said as we rode the elevator down one Friday afternoon. If you're familiar with the financial district in summer, you know it clears out each Friday midday. Carson and I were the dumb saps working the full day.

I was caught off guard by the return of the nickname, but welcomed that Carson and I were on friendly terms again. "Hey Wells, I thought you'd be hitting the links by now."

He shot me his goofy frat-boy smile that worked a little too well on me. "I wish, man. I have a big camping trip with my buddies in a couple weeks, and can't really the half day now."

"Well, I guess it's good to put in some face time," I replied. "With Cal in and all." Calvin was the Senior VP and divided his time between the major locations of our firm.

Carson smirked, like he was pleased to hear me be cynical about corporate politics. "I like this side of you, Boss," he said.

The elevator dinged at the ground floor. At least I could make a getaway. But Carson leaned in before the doors opened. "You've gotten head lately, haven't you?"

I blushed, which made the dude laugh. The doors open and we strutted our way through the lobby and out on to the street.

Carson pulled out his phone to get an Uber. I was going to do the same but he looked up and shot me an impish look. "You think maybe you can get my weekend started off right?" he asked.

I knew what he was asking. God, he was hot in his business casual. Golf shirt polo that stretched over his gym-built muscle, lightweight wool slacks, and tan dress shoes. He knew he looked hot, too, the perfect bait for a gay dude like me.

"Come on, Bill," he urged, his voice a little softed. "No fucking strings.. it'll be fun."

"Yeah," I agreed. Blushing as I did but feeling a surged of horniness that was already making me chub up in my own trousers.

It was weird as hell going to Carson's condo. Smallish one bedroom, but clean and neat. Very much had that city-dude bachelor pad feel. Just the right amount of sports memorabilia, but decorated like he'd hired somebody for the job. He set down his keys and wallet and phone on the kitchen island and turned to me, his playfulness and easy confidence giving way to some more urgent horniness. I could read it in his face and in those amazing green eyes.

"OK if we take our time, Boss?" he asked. He was actually a little nervous, which was the thing that put me at ease. And turned me on. "Last time we were a little rushed."

"We were drunk," I reminded him.

"Well, we're not drunk now," Carson reminded. "I wanna enjoy this."

I felt my dick really firming up into a hard ridge. I couldn't believe Wells was gonna give me head again. I'd been thinking about the possibility a lot, but the reality of it was really sinking in. "What are you thinking, Wells?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"It's a real taboo to suck another man's dick, isn't it?" I prompted, throwing back something he'd admitted to me in Denver.

He blushed. "Yeah, it is. Big time. No one knows I'm into this shit."

"I do, Carson." I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable or anything. I was glad as hell he'd felt like he could share this sexual side with me. "I gotta warn you... it's been a couple days since I've gotten off. But if I cum quick, I'm pretty sure I could go again."

"For real?" Wells asked, excitedly. That excitement fed my own horns.

"For real, Wells. If you're up for a longer session."

"God, man, yeah, I am." Then. "I can't believe we're fucking doing this, but it's crazy hot," he admitted, and I loved that he admitted it.

We didn't have the alcohol this time. In some way that made what was about to happen even hotter, but it also lent an awkwardness about how this was going to go down.

"Um.... you prefer to get head standing?" Carson asked. Just hearing that in his bro voice was enough to get me goin.

"I prefer it anyway you wanna give it, Wells," I smiled. This wasn't a Grindr trick, but it wasn't boyfriend/husband sex. Intuitively, I knew to keep up the buddy vibe with Carson, to keep him at ease.

"Why don't you stand, Bill," he said after thinking a second. "It'll be easier for me."

I followed his lead, watching as his gym built body got settled in on his sofa. I undid my belt and got into the look of anticipation on his face as he watched me unzip.

"Niiicee," he said as he watched my hard dong poke out. His eyes didn't leave my crotch. "You got a nice dick, Boss," he added.

"Help yourself," I encouraged. I'd really never fooled around with straight or even straight-ish dudes like Carson, so I didn't know how much I should talk or not talk, but the guy seemed to be into an easy rapport. I didn't do anything but put my hands on my hips and let him explore at his own pace.

Carson started with the licking, like he was measuring the hill he was gonna climb. Long swipes up my thick tool, wetting me down in the process. His trimmed beard made him look both younger and older than his 30 years. I imagined him doing this in whatever fraternity house he live in during college.

I let out a soft gasp when the sales guy finally parted his lips and began going down on me. I didn't know what made Carson Wells tick and maybe I never would, but I couldn't fault his enthusiasm for sucking dick. The guy made love to my cock. There was no other way to put it. Alternating long, wet strokes of his mouth with some suction action, then pulling off to kiss and lick my cock.

"Nice, man," I encouraged. Not wanting to break the spell, but feeling Wells needing some positive feedback for what he was doing.

He didn't suck me too fast, but I was hornier than I realized and had to think of a million things to keep from coming right away. If Wells wanted to take his time, I was gonna let him.

"You might want to pull off, man," I urged quietly, that gonna-cum tension in my voice.

Carson backed off, giving my dick head a little kiss as it pulled out. A string of spittle connected it with his lips and then broke, landing on his beard. For some reason I found that very hot and my dick spurted out some pre.

"Fuck," he laughed and leaned in to swoop it with his tongue. "I got you worked up," he stated, not even a question.

"You have," I replied. "I hope you don't mind me saying this Wells, but you're really good at this."

Carson knew what I was getting at. He had a quiet serious expression as he put his hand on his thighs and stared at my prick. "I don't mind, Boss. Thanks." He looked up at me finally. "So... what do you like when you get head?"

"What do I like?" I asked. I wasn't sure exactly what he was asking.

"Yeah," he said with a grin. "What's your favorite approach... the thing that will get you off hardest."

I let out a heavy breath. "Honestly, Carson... I don't think you wanna know my favorite thing."

He seemed surprised. "Why not?"

There was something about the sincerity of his response that almost had me telling him. "It's a little more, I don't know... extreme."

He let out a little laugh. "Damn, Boss, I didn't picture you as the kinky type."

I shrugged. "Well, I am... at least when it comes to oral," I replied. "But for real, Carson, I love it all. Just love getting head. You had me real close just now."

That seemed to satisfy the guy. He turned his attention back to my dick. "You into deep throat, Boss?"

"Hell yes, I am," I assured him.

He was measuring me with his eyes. "It's been a long time since I've sucked one as big as you," he said, matter of factly. "The length but also the thickness."

"Just do what you feel like, Wells," I said. This wasn't some Grindr cockslut, and I wanted him to feel at ease. "But I'd love to see you try."

He nodded. "Yeah, I wanna," he said. Then Carson started taking me in again, going down on me steadily. He reached about the five inch mark, which was the maximum he'd taken so far. Wells paused at that spot, giving some shallow bobs to test out his throat. Then like a swimmer taking that last jump into cool ocean water, the dude just went for it.

I watched excitedly as Wells buried his nose in my pubes, with a deep grunt stifled in his throat.

"Fuck yes!" I cried. Then, "Oh fuck, that's hot."

It was too. Because it was this hot finance bro, the coworker I had only professional relationship with. A younger, fit dude who I didn't know, not really. And he was now showing off that deep throat.

Until he needed air, or a break. He pulled back to suck in some quick air, breathing out a soft "fuck" as he eyed up my spit wet dong. He took a little breather, then went back to it. He now was giving me some genuine deepthroat head. Up and down, about three inches at a time, swallowing to the root on each go. His throat felt snug as hell and the visuals were only adding to my pleasure.

"I'm gonna cum, Carson!" I hissed. This time I hoped he wouldn't pull off. I really wanted to nut right down his cocksucking throat.

He didn't stop, but rather kept at it. If anything his pace grew a little faster. The sounds got sloppier and I could feel wet spit drip down my balls. That did it. "FUCk!" I cried. I wasn't always a screaming in bed, but I liked to let loose with when a guy sucks me, to give him that feedback.

Carson pulled off, riding out my ejaculation by sucking the top three inches. Apparently he liked tasting a guy's cum too. Or maybe his throat needed a break.

He had a proud smile when he pulled off. He knew he'd done a hell of a job, but I also think I was more dick than he'd deep throated before.

"That was incredible, Bill."

I was catching my breath. "Hell yes, it was," I said. I looked down at my dong which was quickly softening. "I don't you know, Carson... you may have completely drained me with that one."

He chuckled, and I think he liked that he'd gotten me off so well. "That's cool, Boss. But maybe we can do this again soon? Sorry if I've been standoffish lately. It's just a little weird... you know, the work thing."

"You know my lips are sealed, Wells," I assured him. "Fuck, I can't let this get out either."

He flashed me that frat-boy smile then broke the postcoital glow. "Listen, Bill. I should probably get ready for the evening. I'm meeting some buddies in a bit."

"Oh yeah," I muttered as I tucked back in and made myself presentable again. "Well, thank you for getting my weekend off to an incredible spot."

Carson stood up to walk me out. I could tell he was still hard in his trousers. I wondered if he was going to jerk off when I was gone or get off later. I thought of asking him, but didn't.

"Just to be clear, Boss," he said before showing me out. "I don't date guys. At all."

"No worries, Wells," I replied. "I'm not looking for a boyfriend. And I get it."

"Cool," was all he said. I got the sense he had some of that straight-dude second thoughts creeping in now. Or maybe coworker second thoughts.

I tried to downplay anything overly affectionate at that moment. I didn't want to be brusque but I thought being all business would help him. "See you next week, Carson," I said when he opened the door.

He nodded, then as I walked out, he shut the door behind me.

[abrunettefangirlnerd]

Accident: part 2 Angsty/Sad

Request: JJ got hurt when he crashed his motorcycle and he woke up to see the reader sleeping, head resting on her arms, on the edge of the bed. She’s had a crush on him for years, but never told him cause he liked Kiara since kindergarten.

Read Part One First

There is a slight shake to my shoulder that darts me out of my slumber. Disoriented I take in the room and realize I am not at home but in JJ’s room. With JJ awake beside me, gently trying to wake me up. Shock overtakes me before I start to feel a smile creep upon my face. Immediately sitting up I wrap my arms around him. A soft groan vibrates from JJ and I immediately pull back to inspect him.

“Shit JJ! I’m sorry.”

“I’m okay,” JJ pants. “It’s just a scratch.”

Rolling my eyes, I want to call him on his bullshit. “Just a scratch huh?”

“Totally,” JJ’s smile matches my own. “Hey ahh, is Kie here?”

               Kie. I feel my heart drop into my stomach at her name. Of course, of course he wants to see her. I’ve been the one at his side almost all night but who cares about that? Not me, obviously. I bite back the tears welling in my throat as I nod. I slip off the bed as I promise to go get her.

               Clearing the door I press my back against the wall, taking refuge in the dark hall. My thoughts run rapid as a few held back tears flow down my face. Repeating my breathing exercise, I piece myself back together. I walk slowly into the living room where the others are each nursing a beer and passing around a joint. Their attention all snaps to me.

“He’s awake.” I breath out and I visibly watch their shoulders relax. “Kie, he is asking for you.”

               Without a second thought, Kie is walking past me toward JJ’s room. I know I should take her spot on the couch but my legs can’t move. The other three are looking at me, waiting to see what I am going to do. I’m waiting too.

“Well, umm.” I avert my eyes to the ground, not wanting to see their pity. “I think I’m gonna go home. It has been a long day.”

“Y/N-“

“I’m okay, Sarah. Just tired.”

I make my way toward the door but a broad build with a half open shirt blocks my path. Too exhausted to fight, I just stand there staring beyond him. His warm hands find the middle of my shoulder blades and the back of my head as his arms wrap about me. The crack in my chest deepens and I can’t help the sob that whimpers from my throat. My knees buckle from exhaustion and if it wasn’t for John B I would be on the floor. On instinct my arms wrap around John B, clutching his shirt in my hands as I hold on for dear life.

I knew better than this and I still never moved on. I do know better, and things are going to change. Letting John B hold on to me a bit longer, I compose myself enough even I believe that I am okay. I convince John B that it is safe for me to leave and that I will see them all in the morning, I head out with the full intention of never caring that much about someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Click here to read the happy part

[bakedbakermom]

How "The Talk" Went With My 7-Year-Old

I want to preface this by saying that my parents NEVER had The Talk with me as a kid; they just expected my CATHOLIC SCHOOL SEX ED to cover it. Needless to say, there were gaps in my sexual health education, gaps that I worked very hard as an adult to fill in. When I had my daughter, I promised myself that I would do better by her.

My husband and I have been laying the groundwork by teaching her the proper names for body parts (she’s the only 7-year-old I’ve ever met who knows the difference between a vulva and a vagina, which is better than some adults I know) and normalizing bodily functions and asking questions. Whenever she asks about something to do with bodies or private parts, we answer honestly and at a level of detail she can understand and is appropriate for her age. She has seen both me and my husband naked many times and knows what “boy bodies” and “girl bodies” look like and what the differences are. And she knows that babies get half their “seed” from a man and half from a woman, and the baby grows in a thing called the uterus inside the woman’s body.

She just turned 7 in September and can best be described as “too smart for her own good” and possessing a level of curiosity that threatens the feline population of the entire planet. I have been reading her The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett (the first book in the Discworld series) and a few nights ago we got to the part where Hrun the Barbarian is challenged by the Liessa, princess of the dragonlands, to perform three tasks and win her hand in marriage. The last task is to have sex with her. The book describes her disrobing and propositioning him (but obviously doesn’t get graphic).

When I got to that part I sort of stumbled, because she’s never asked about or hinted that she knew anything about sex, and I said, “This next part has to do with sex. Have you heard of that before?” She said no. “Well it’s something people do when they’re naked–”

“Ew, no, just skip this part!” So I told her she can ask about it whenever she wanted, and just moved to the next part of the story.

I could tell she was mulling it over, and last night after I tucked her in she finally asked me, “Okay, Mom, what is sex?”

As much as I have been preparing myself mentally for this, I don’t think there’s any way to avoid the gut-deep yearning for the earth to just open up beneath you and swallow you whole, but I bravely pressed forward. The following is a rough transcript of our conversation (which totalled over 20 minutes).

Me: Well, it’s the thing that makes babies. Remember we talked about how there’s half a seed in the mom, and half the seed in the dad? Sex is how the two halves come together–

Her: Wait, is there a way to make a baby without sex?

Me: [swerving gratefully onto this detour while it lasts] Yeah actually, they can do it with Science now. The can take the mom’s half out of her body - it’s called an egg or ovum, which is just Latin for egg - and they can take the dad’s half out of his body - it’s called sperm, and it looks like a tadpole but suuuuuuuper tiny - and they put them together in a dish so it starts to grow. Then they put it in a woman’s uterus, and it can be the egg mommy or someone else, so it can become a baby.

Her: Why can’t they just grow the whole baby in a dish?

Me: Because it needs food to grow, just like all bodies too. There’s not enough food in the dish for it to get more than a few cells big; it has to go in the uterus, where it grows a cord that connects it to the mother’s body so it can get nutrients from her.

Her: Oh okay that makes sense, then. So what’s sex?

Me: Well, it’s something that people do when they really care about each other and want to show it. It can happen with a man and a woman, two women, or two men, but the kind that makes a baby is between a man and a woman. [draws a deep breath, waits a moment to see if maybe Death will just reap me now, then pushes bravely forward] It’s when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina.

Her: [various giggly noises of disgust] People actually do that!? That’s so gross!!!

Me: Yeah when I describe it like that it does seem gross, but when you do it with the right person it can be pretty fun so the gross part doesn’t really matter.

Her: But it goes INSIDE the vagina? How?

Me: Your vagina isn’t just a hole on your body; it’s actually more like a tube, and the penis fits inside.

Her: Doesn’t that hurt?

Me: [remembering the early sexual rummagings of my teens] It can, but it really shouldn’t. Sex is supposed to feel good. If it hurts, that means something isn’t working the way it’s supposed to.

Her: Okay, that makes sense. I wouldn’t want to do that if it hurt. But what if he pees in you???

Me: [struggling with every fiber of my being not to say, “Some people pay good money for that.”] I mean, that’s probably not ideal, and it could maybe happen. But there’s only one hole in the penis and it has two separate tubes that go to it - one from the bladder where pee comes from, and the other one has the sperm, and one tube has to close so the other can open; so there shouldn’t be any pee.

Her: Where does the sperm come from?

Me: Well you know what a penis is. [she does] There are these called testicles, but everyone calls them balls because that’s what they look like, and they sort of hang [unfortunate cupping gesture with my left hand] under and behind the penis [right hand comes up and makes an unfortunate flopping gesture over the left] and the sperm hangs out in there. I could draw you a picture–

Her: NO! Don’t draw a picture. I don’t need a picture. So where does the sperm go when it comes out?

Me: When the guy sticks his penis in the vagina, well he sort of does it a few times, and then the sperm squirts out and goes looking for an egg in the uterus.

Her: But what if he misses!?

Me: [more unfortunate hand gestures] If the penis is inside the vagina it’s pretty hard to miss, but he could squirt it somewhere else if he wanted I guess. [Someone help, I’m teaching the pull out method to a 7-year-old.]

Her: But how does it get to the uterus?

Me: The uterus is connected to the vagina. There’s this thing called the cervix inside the vagina. [I ask her to make a fist, then put my hands underneath in a tube shape.] So your vagina is right here. [I move my hands above her fist, making a bowl in the air.] And the uterus is up here. That’s where the egg would be, and where a baby would grow. [Now I stick my finger into her fist from below and wiggle it a bit to make her laugh.] The sperm are so small that they can fit through the cervix.

Her: [clearly thinking very hard] But what happens if there’s no egg and it doesn’t make a baby? Where does the sperm go?

Me: It dies after a couple days, and then it either gets absorbed or comes out when the woman has her period. We’ve talked about periods, remember? Every month the uterus makes a layer called the endometrium, which acts as food for the growing baby until it grows the cord that connects it directly to the mother. But if there’s no baby, the uterus throws the whole endometrium out. It’s like making a big fancy dinner and then it realizes no one’s going to eat it , so it gets all angry [makes a gesture like I’m chucking something in the garbage] and throws it all away. So all that stuff comes out of the vagina, the endometrium and any sperm that might still be in there. Sometimes it looks like blood, sometimes it’s slimey, and sometimes it’s like a brownish goo.

Her: WHAT IF IT COMES OUT YOUR BUTT!?!?

Me: [trying so hard not to lose my shit] It can’t, babe. The uterus isn’t connected to your butt; the only door out is the vagina.

Her: But doesn’t it get all in your underwear!?

Me: Yeah, it can. But they make stuff to catch it or soak it up so that doesn’t happen. There’s pads, which are absorbent like a diaper and you stick them in your underwear to soak it up. There’s also tampons, which are like big cotton balls that you can stick in your vagina to soak it up. You change those things out for new ones every few hours. And there’s also something called a menstrual cup, which is what I use, and it’s a soft rubber cup that you stick up there to catch the blood, and you take it out and wash it a couple times a day. If you want I could show you–

Her: NO! Don’t show me. Those ones you stick up there sound gross, like they would hurt.

Me: They can be uncomfortable until you get used to them, or if you’re using the wrong size. Most people start off with pads; when you start getting your period we can try different things and see which ones work for you. You just have to remember to change them out every few hours.

Her: But what if it gets in your underwear while you’re changing the thing?

Me: Well normally you’d do that when you’re going potty, so any period stuff would just go in there. I also wash my cup in the shower.

Her: Does a period hurt?

Me: Yeah, it can. Remember how sometimes when I’m on my period I’ll tell you I’m not feeling good, and I need to go rest on the couch? That’s because in order to get all the stuff out, the uterus has to squeeze itself kind of like a tube of toothpaste [more hand gestures] and that can be pretty crappy. You can take Advil like we do when you have an owie, and there’s other medicine you can take that makes your periods easier.

Her: [loading ring spins for a moment] So does sex always make a baby?

Me: Not always, but it can happen any time you have sex, so there’s things people can do to stop it from happening. There’s a pill I take every day that keeps me from getting pregnant, and there’s also something called a condom that’s kind of like a little balloon, and it goes over the penis and catches the sperm before it can get into the vagina. Condoms are great because there are actually diseases you can get from having sex, and the condom stops the germs from passing between people.

Her: Wait, you can get sick from having sex?

Me: Yeah. That’s why it’s important to always use condoms, and to make sure you’re having sex with someone you really care about and trust. There are consequences to having sex, like babies and getting sick, but also, sex is a really intimate thing. Do you know what ‘intimacy’ means? [she does not] It’s feeling really close to someone and trusting them a lot, like smoochy kissing times a thousand. You’re letting someone see you naked and touch you and touch your private parts, and that’s something that takes a lot of trust and care. You only want to have sex with someone you’re really close to.

Her: WAIT SO DID DADDY WEAR CONDOMS?

Me: [wishing desperately to die] Well, yeah.

Her: You and Daddy must have spent so much time together naked. Like years and years and years!

Me: [still wanting to die] Well not all at once, but if you add it up, maybe?

Her: I don’t think I’m ever going to have sex, or have a baby, or maybe I’ll just do it the dish way.

Me: Yep, that’s a choice you can make, and a lot of kids your age feel that way when they learn about this stuff. You might feel that way your whole life, or you might change your mind, probably when you go through puberty. Do you remember what puberty is?

Her: Not really.

Me: It’s when your kid body changes into your grown up body, like when girls start growing boobs. It’s also when your period usually starts. It takes a few years and girls usually start around 10 to 12, boys a little later like 12 or 13. Your body changes and your emotions change, and the way you feel about sex might change too, especially as you figure out whether you like boys or girls or both or neither. It can be a really tough time and maybe even a little scary when you’re going through it, because your body and your brain are doing all these weird things they’ve never done before, but I’m right here if you have questions or need help.

Her: [yawns, looks at the clock, and realizes it’s way past her bedtime] Wow we’ve been talking about this for a long time.

Me: Yeah, we have, but it’s okay to stay up a bit late for important conversations like this. I wanted to make sure I answered all your questions, because we all have bodies and we all need to know how those bodies work, even the stuff that feels weird to talk about sometimes. Do you have any more questions?

Her: No, not right now.

Me: Okay well if you think of any, you just go ahead and ask. We can talk about this any time you want, especially as you get older and start going through some of this stuff.

And that was basically it. I am amazed at the questions she asked, and how carefully she thought about what I told her. And how seriously she took it except for the giggling about the weird parts, which honestly? Same. She is definitely going to be That Kid when she goes back to school after break.

We’re also trying to teach her about consent and having control over what information about yourself you share online, so asked her if it was okay that I share this here without mentioning her name or anything personal and she said yes. I hope you got a kick out of it, and maybe this will even help you feel more comfortable when your day for The Talk shows up. I was not expecting it so soon, and I was not expecting it on a night when my husband was out getting the family from the airport for the holiday, but I believe that when the question is asked, it’s ready to be answered.

[abarbaricyalp]

Tell It to the Bees (and the birds)

Hi all! This is my beekeeper!Bucky birdkeeper!Sam meet ugly neighbors au. I am so enamored of this little story and I hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing it! There's a second snippet here as well

The way onto the roof was extremely inaccessible. Bucky was only missing an arm and could barely manage it, much less if someone was in a wheelchair or had muscle issues. Apparently the building had once housed families and, back before ADA laws, the building manager had decided cordoning off access to the roof was safer than trusting kids not to go up to it. So, every few days, Bucky had to clamber his way into a discharge closet that was barely wide enough for his shoulders, climb up a ladder he swore inclined past a 90 degree angle, shove open a hatch door that weighed more than a small child, and then lift himself onto the roof. He hadn’t figured out how to manage it without his prosthetic arm on and he was about two more attempts away from suing for access. The only thing stopping him was that he didn’t know how much weight the “Roof Access Strictly Prohibited” sign actually had.

But it was all worth it once Bucky got outside. He was not the first tenant to utilize the roof. In fact, he’d inherited his current raison du climb from one of his neighbors after he found her hard at work on it one day. When she left to move in with one of her children, she left it to Bucky to maintain.

“Guys, you will not believe what Leo said at group today,” he greeted as he walked across the roof. In the middle of the roof, far enough away from the HVAC vents and under a shade tarp that had seen better days and less extreme summers and winters, a small wooden beehive waited for him. The bees were always buzzing, but Bucky liked to think they got louder when they heard his voice.

“He clearly focused all of the topics on me and made sure to get a dig in about how group can’t help if not everyone wanted to be a group. That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, I totally consider myself part of the group. Just because I don’t talk doesn’t mean I’m not present.”

He sat down in the small wooden slatted chair that was half as comfortable as it should be but leagues above the metal folding chair. Especially in the summer. The hive was, apparently, typical sized: three boxes tall and Bucky was only allowed to mess with one of them, the honey super, it was called. One was for the bees themselves and the other was for the eggs and maturation of new bees. Each box had a glass fronting, so he got to see inside sometimes, depending on how they built the combs that year. It also probably meant that someone smarter than him could guess how many bees were in it at which point of the year, but Bucky hadn’t gotten around to memorizing all the facts and figures yet. Melinda had taught him everything about caring for them–“We maintain them, we don’t keep them”–but what Bucky knew, he knew by muscle memory, not logical thought. Now, they were just coming out of their winter easement and the lower box was full of eggs and pupae.

Mostly what Bucky and Melinda used it for–other than an ever full donation crate of honey and beeswax–was less the maintaining of the bees and more the telling of the bees. The first time Bucky had come up to the roof–after ignoring many dubious signs–was a day where he just needed to find some quiet from the noise in his head. What he found was an older woman speaking in soft dulcet tones about what fools her children were. When Bucky tracked her voice down, he found her talking to a very large beehive. And that was that. He was hooked.

Bucky had been in a dozen kinds of therapies since he’d gotten medically discharged from the army, but nothing felt the same as talking to the bees. Nothing felt as real or as safe as this.

The bees didn’t argue with him. They never did. A few flew out to greet him, buzzed around his head until they were sure he only smelt like a flower but wasn’t one. He waited patiently to pass muster before he pulled a small water bottle from his bag and poured some into his palm. It was Melinda’s sugar water concoction and the bees loved it. He wasn’t supposed to give it to them too often. He tried to limit himself to once a week. But the bees got so excited over it and he loved the way they felt walking over his hand.

A few bees had braved him to come crawl over his palm and drink the sugar and Bucky was just beginning to relax into this lovely moment when a massive hawk suddenly dove at them. Bucky made an unbecomingly high pitched screech and went sprawling backwards in the chair. The bird squawked back and startled into the air. The bees droned a frenzied buzz and disappeared.

From flat on his back, Bucky stared into the sky and wondered what the hell had just happened. His shoulder ached from where his prosthesis had jared into the skin and the air was failing to come back into his lungs. Also, he was having entirely too vivid day-terrors of his eyes being plucked out by a razor sharp beak.

The hawk circled around in the air some twenty feet higher and then swooped a little closer and glided around the HVAC system to the far side of the roof. Bucky kicked himself free of the chair and checked to make sure there were no wounded bees on the ground around him before following the bird.

Since Melinda had left, Bucky had rarely seen anyone, or anything, else up on the roof. Occasionally someone braved the absurd ladder and door, usually young people with friends, but it had been pretty quiet for the most part. So he was more than surprised to come around the HVAC to find an entire bird coop constructed and well maintained.

Granted, it had been a while since Bucky had explored other parts of the roof. It was a large complex and the roof was littered with curbs and dips and trash, so it was safer to just sit next to his bees and then go back inside. But he was certain there had been no bird coop on the roof at any point recently.

Casting a glance around before he could give further fodder to his neighbors that he was a few crayons short of a box, he leaned forward and smelled the wood of the coop. Like he expected, it was fresh. So who the hell had been up here? And how hadn’t Bucky noticed? How hadn’t the bees noticed? They hadn’t expressed any agitation. 

Within the coop, a variety of birds cooed at him and shuffled around with a scraping of talons and ruffling of feathers. It was mostly pigeons but there were a few crows, a few colorful birds, a few finches. The hawk that had swooped down at Bucky was sitting outside of the coop, on a fake branch. It stared at him in an entirely too judgemental way. When it tilted its head at Bucky, Bucky tilted his back. The bird ruffled its feathers and turned around on the branch. Bucky turned around too.