#i missed senior sunrise and at first i was like ok…. whatever………… and then it gradually became less of an ‘ok whatever’ situation

[tallytals]

missing a milestone event is actually so evil. the whole damn timeline should be reset just for me

[postcards-to-home]

Split Seconds: 2019

Amongst the dozen or so strangers around me I sit nuzzled between rows 6 &8. Philly lies some 10,000 feet below. The engine purrs softly with each flutter my eyes drift effortlessly towards stillness under the perpetuating night sky.

In dreams I see the faces of those I’ve met haphazardly in my travels. The students I bond with over memories of cheap wine and late-night thrills at Manly corso; the elderly who sit and chat with me about their grandchildren and medical procedures; even the uber drivers who share their love affairs found from words with friends. It’s the everything in-between crisscrossing the unconscious mind.

My new life I remind myself is in constant motion and so must I be. Zig-zaging terminals I curse under my breathe, praying to the lord for an on time departure. With my best friend in tow, my dingy gray suitcase, my day is a constant uphill battle of avoiding my ankles and slow-poke people.  A love affair in the constant throws of “F*ck my life,” & “ I have the greatest job of all time,” (said no one ever).

Mentally I was trained for this. Laughably this entire year I have captured a total of 3 weeks combined training from the two firms I have been employed by- and I can say I think I’m doing A-ok. My 1st job out of college I learned its okay to decide if something is or isn’t right for you. Its 100% okay to move on too- and fast, if a better opportunity arises. It also taught me the value of obtaining strong leader figures in the office. Not necessarily how to be a manager but how to observe what works, how to engage with others effectively and ultimately how not too.

Mistakes are inevitable.

On my very 1st business trip to Hunt Valley, Maryland for whatever reason a conversation was provoked among an older gentleman and I and we chatted the entire way. Come to find out this sharp older gentleman was once the CEO of a hospital in the capital district; a professor at USC and was heading south to see family. The value from this conversation will always be intangible. It was  the 1st time in my professional life I was able to speak not only about who I am as a person, But I  had someone engage in a conversation with me for no other reason than pure interest, and in a non- creepy way. We spoke of antiques, my on again/off again ebay career and content of college curriculum. He explained he managed a young Entrepreneurs group on campus and worked with students to gain shareholders in their startups.

Before we departed ways he said , “Thank you for the lovely chat, I feel deeply that you will be successful one day with whatever you choose to do. You should feel really proud of yourself with hat you’ve accomplished.” (Paraphrased)

It was his words that propelled me into an orbit of motion, setting what would be the tone for the year. In that moment I etched realization into my mind that my abilities generate power I never was aware I held. There was my small voice-heard and admired. Channeling it to engage the right audience became possible after that.

I left my 1st job after just 6 months. Without any regrets.  I sincerely miss mid-day banter with some of my co-workers, but thankfully we still stay in touch.

The road leading to my departure was a rocky one. Still living at home, thankful for my parents gratitude and safe haven I couldn’t help but feel left out of the mix from my peers. While they rounded of  their senior years I was strapped to a desk sifting through excel spreadsheets. In no way did I ever want to back track into the college scene, making money is and always will be exciting. But doing what I was doing, well not so much.

I accepted a position as a Regional Manager for the institution I studied abroad at as many of you have recognized. I am sincerely thankful for the support received throughout this half of my journey this year. I travel, I meet with students both future and former, I do paper work sporadically and I idle at my desk when necessary. It has forced me to both think outside of the box as well as use my voice as the ultimate creative outlet and driving force for success. My soundboard-everchanging day to day.

Through my position I’ve managed to make student’s dreams come true a reward I’ll never take lightly. Its become my daily excitement to hear from students their own excitement about their journey ahead, even having the smallest footprint on their pathway to success has become gratifying in its own respects. Then there are my travels, though sporadic they have led me to meet old friends from my own time studying abroad and new friends alike.

The entire essence of meeting people has opened doorways never thought possible. The most delightful part of 2019 has been meeting others and hearing their own words of insight and stories they too long to share. Spending more time than intended on park benches with near strangers discussing their time in an indigenous tribe in brazil is just scratching the surface of my amusement. It’s a small victory for the once shyest little girl ever.

As I write this it has been 1 full year to the day since I have graduated. In that small span of time I celebrated the New Year in Iceland with two of the most important people in my life, Nick & Jay. We managed to survive Iceland in January, watch the fireworks at Hallgrímskirkja church on New Year’s Eve and not throttle each other after every petty argument, including the 20 minute screaming match that included phrases with “fiber one brownies” and “stupid , useless bitches.”

And then there was Australia. After visiting for the first time in a year in a half my heart felt fully mended. The winters chill couldn’t hold me from breakfast by the beach or wearing my heels to dinner with friends. Being reunited with people who changed my sense of self left that full circle feeling. Yes, quite literally I could have floated into the sun. That is until I had to venture home yet again and my whole world felt displaced yet again. I will live here one day I said outloud, despite what my dad whispers to my mom, “that will never happen.”

Even jay, My bestfriend came to Oz and fell in love with my world.Our trip in November couldn’t have been anymore magical. We soaked in the sun on the beaches of Noosa heads, swam in exotic Tea Tree Lake feeling rejuvenated and watched the sunrise at the Sydney Opera House. Skipping through the Royal Botanical gardens smelling flowers I knew life was grand. Nicole Reine was the Queen on the moment, just like my name says. To have jay wander through the castle I lived and Worked in let nothing but utter giddiness in me. Christmas came early and we couldn’t have enjoyed ourselves more. I will live here one day, felt firmer.

Some of my favorite moments were those sitting in the shed with loved ones after their returns from long journeys: Nick, Tommy, Grace and Emily. We all sat and shared stories from far away places as our minds melted to mush, the sun setting lower in the sky and the colors over Willard mountain fizzled from golden hues to cooling colors of the night sky. The small talks lingered near the kitchen table not on or next to but just around, the dogs lied close by, fading to sleep on the hard wood floors mom never could keep quite clean. It’s the comings and going that are hard to keep up with. But those moments always end as quickly as they come.

It’s a strange thing to realize the moment you leave your childhood home it will never be exactly how you left it. The stars you won at an arcade in Myrtle beach and hung on your ceiling will eventually come down. The color of your walls once chosen with excitement, will be painted over with fresh shades of cream your mother likes. And the emptiness of what once was but never will be, will swallow you whole. I realized this sad feeling creep up as I lay on my empty bedroom floor with my mom and dad huddled tightly around a pile of buttons. Not justa a pile but a ginormous, 40 pound pile of buttons once held safely in their jug, now shattered sharply amongst us. That’s what happens when you leave. Everything shifts, and somethings just can’t handle that. But I sure am sad about that jug of buttons, it was a lifetime labor of love collecting them.

There’s no jug of Buttons in our house on Center Street and im beginning to feel okay with that. Gramma’s blue oriental rug keeps our living room feeling nice and cozy. A small reminder she would have adored the space Jay and I call home.I can almost picture her now tinkering with my knick-knacks on the shelves, just ever so slightly so we wouldn’t notice. Marissa comes and goes as she pleases and the porch never does stay dirt free. I now see why mom’s kitchen floors never could stay clean. Its not Herrington Road but I’ll take it

[gary36]

GM X: Binary pt 1

I couldn't tell you the first thing about Alex.

"Switch seats with me."

"Why?" Kyrie shouted at me without taking her eyes off the road.

"Because-"

"I'm not a good enough driver for you!"

"Because your fucking right hand keeps trying to bite me!" I said indignantly while I pressed myself against the passenger door of the ice cream truck to put as much space as possible between myself and the massive lion head roaring and snapping at me in the middle seat.

"Well it's not my fault! I don't own him. He's not a pet."

"That's hardly the point, Kyrie!"

"Excuse me." Jamie said, tentatively poking her head from the backseat with both eyes on the lion head beneath her. "Mrs. Whetstone is the only adult here, maybe she should drive."

Kyrie rotated the steering wheel twice over, hit the gas, and leaned into a hard left turn. The ice cream truck came up on two wheels, for a moment I was sure we'd roll, everyone in back screamed, gravity pulled me towards the angry lion's open mouth, fortunately I was wearing my seatbelt. The tires squealed as we pulled out on the main road in the twilight. With a terrible shudder the truck slammed back on all fours.

"Am I not up to your standards?" Kyrie roared at the windshield.

"It's really just the lion thing." I said in a soothing voice.

"Mrs. Whetstone just has the most... experience." Jamie said diplomatically.

"Actually," Mrs. Whetstone chimed in as she regained her footing and rummaged around the freezer before producing an ice cream sandwich. "I ride my bike to work. I have a horrible phobia of driving. You're doing great hon!"

"Thanks Miss Shirley!" Kyrie said as she slammed the gas pedal to the floor. The lion went berserk, he thrashed and ripped huge chunks of the seats out with his fangs.

"Slow down!" I screamed.

"Fuck no!"

"Why?"

"There's snake people back there! My right arm is a lion! You're being a backseat driver!"

Kyrie stomped on the brake without warning. My insides lurched forward. Everyone in back screamed, so did the tires. The lion roared fiercely. The truck shuddered violently to a halt.

Suddenly all was quiet, the ice cream truck sat perfectly still in the middle of the empty road beneath a flickering streetlight. On either side of us tall green trees shifted in the wind. Kyrie breathed ragged and deep, her eyes fixed on the road. Her left hand held the wheel in a white knuckled grip. I saw sweat running down her face. The lion bore into me with his unwavering predatory stare.

At last Kyrie let out a long sigh. She reached over the steering column with her left hand and shifted the truck into park.

"Fine." Kyrie said popping the door open and gently sliding out "Have it your way."

I nodded and opened my own door. We started to swap seats.

"I can drive." Josh chimed in.

"Whatever." I obliged him, shifting course to the back.

"But I'm not sitting next to her." He pointed at Kyrie "She's got the disease."

"Would you shut the fuck up Josh?" I lost it "There's no disease."

The back erupted in squabbling.

"She can't ride back here." said a boy with corn-rows. "Her arm is a lion." I had learned his name was Virgil "We're too close together."

"Please don't let the wearlion ride back here." said Casey, an extremely short senior. "She's so angry."

"Technically," Darius, Math Club "lycanthropsy is a magical disease. Usually the transformation involves the best of both human and animal forms. This is more akin to shapeshifting, either through a spell or spell-like abili-"

"Can you please take me home?" Tina, freshman, color guard "I live just around the corner!"

"All of us want to see our parents." Roy, football player. "But where is everyone?"

"I don't want to go home." Margaret, perpetually smoking and wearing sunglasses, especially in class. "I want to hang with Lion Girl, she's cool."

"Wow." Sarah, perpetually smoking weed and wearing hemp, especially under the bleachers. "I can't believe you would act like this at a time like this. 'Lion Girl' is so cliche."

"Everybody calm the fuck down!" Joey, perpetually doing something sketchy in the bathroom.

"Nobody panic, it's going to be alright." said Jamie over the clamor.

Mrs. Whetstone, or Shirley, since Kyrie was on a first name basis, sat on a freezer beaming peacefully to herself with total indifference. Years of teaching had granted her a resistance to young people and their chaotic communication.

Josh was still ranting about seating arrangement "All I'm saying is-"

I shifted the truck into drive. Kyrie rolled down the passenger window and let her lion arm hang out.

We got rolling and an awkward silence settled on everyone.

I sighed and shook my head. "You said you're close by Tina?"

"Ya!" she piped with excitement "Just over here."

A couple of side streets later we were driving into a gorgeous sunrise. Tina lived in a modest house with her dad on Eris Avenue. We didn't pass anyone on the way, but Tina shrieked with joy when she saw her dad's car in the driveway.

The ice cream truck pulled gently to a stop in front of Tina's place. I turned and smiled at everyone. Sometimes it's nice to turn things over to adults.

Tina jumped out of the back of the truck and ran all the way to the front door. She knocked twice hard. Then she grabbed the door knob and let herself in with an ecstatic cry of "Dad!" Before disappearing inside.

Everyone else got out and gathered on the street. Tina's front door lay open. Miss Shirley walked to the door and called inside. "Tina! Honey! Can we use your phone?"

"Yes Ma'am!" Tina answered from far within her home. "One second I..." Her voice traveled further away and trailed off. "Let me just..."

Miss Shirley peaked her head inside "Tina! Everything OK?"

Tina came back to the door with a frown and tears in her eyes "I can't find my dad."

Miss Shirley placed a hand on Tina's shoulder and spoke softly "Hey now, everything is going to be alright. I'm sure your dad is around here somewhere. Did you check all the rooms?"

Tina nodded.

Miss Shirley held her chin in thought for a moment. "Where does he work?"

Tina sniffled "He's a cameraman. At the news station."

"Maybe he's still at work?"

"But his car..." Tina covered her face and looked down.

"Hey now, it's OK Tina. We'll find him."

"Okay..." Tina cried softly to herself.

I looked around at the others. They all shuffled their feet and looked down.

Darius cleared his throat "I live just down the street."

Shirley led Tina inside the house saying "Come on hon, let's call... someone."

"Hey, I gotta make a call!" Virgil said.

"Me Too!" said Sarah, aghast.

"Let me call my grandma!" Joey blurted out as he scuttled inside.

Soon everyone filed into Tina's house but me and Darius. A thunderous roar came from the ice cream truck. I looked back at Kyrie gazing sullenly into space, her lion reaching madly for me from the passenger window.

"Come on Darius." I said weakly. "Let's get you home."

We climbed in and started down the road. No one was outside. No one was driving. Once I saw a squirrel.

Darius lived three turns away from Tina. All the houses there had big yards, second floors, pools, guest houses.

"That's me!" Darius stopped me at a brown house with wood paneling down a private drive.

As I pulled up I hunched over the wheel and swiveled my head in all directions. There was no one, the sprinklers were on, the lights were on, but no one.

Darius jogged to the garage, produced a remote from his pocket, raised the door, and disappeared inside.

"Kyrie." I whispered.

"Yeah?" She replied without taking her eyes off the beast's glorious mane.

"Was it like this before you came to the school?"

"Like what?"

"It's so quiet."

"It's early."

"It's earie"

"Ya it's been kind of a weird day."

"Don't worry Kyrie, we'll get you... a doctor."

Kyrie rolled her eyes.

Darius walked back to the ice cream truck with his head down.

"What's up?" I said.

He shook his head. "Nobody's home. They left everything running, I'm sure they'll be back."

"Did you call?"

"The phone is out or something. It just beeps."

"Let's go back to Tina's." Kyrie said. She sounded exhausted.

"I'll wait here for my parents." Darius said.

"What?" I replied "Darius, we can't just leave you here by yourself."

He shrugged "I don't want to miss them when they get back. Besides, there's a security system. I'll be alright."

I refused to leave Darius alone but he wouldn't listen to reason. Eventually he went in his house and Kyrie reminded me that the others would be looking for us at Tina's. I turned the truck around and felt myself speeding. It wasn't like there were any cops around.

I looked to my right and saw the wind blowing through Kyrie's hair. She was holding the lion's face into the wind and stroking his mane with her left hand.

"I think he likes it." She said softly, as if to herself. "The fresh air calms him down."

When we got back to Tina's I headed directly inside. Kyrie stayed scratching the lion's head.

A quiet defeat had settled on all the students inside. They sat all about Tina's living room with hunched shoulders and low hanging heads. Miss Shirley scanned a nearby bookshelf silently.

I saw a phone in the room and picked it up.

"It's not gonna work." Virgil said.

I dialed my home anyways. It rang twice. I heard a click like someone answered but then just beeping. High pitch. Low pitch. Low pitch. Low pitch. High pitch. High. Low. Low. Low. High. High. High. Low. High. High. High. High.