#i miss my friend i haven't really let myself process the situation for the past few months

[captainchokchok]

.

[suzukiblu]

Hello all, I am honestly not even sure how long it's been since I've really talked to anyone online and I'm very sorry for just straight-up ghosting so many of you, but I'm trying to work on resuming my life and reconnecting with people a bit and especially trying to start picking up all of the commitments I've let myself drop in the past year or two.

Full disclosure, I've been having a bad time mentally for quite a while and just haven't been available to anyone in my life, online or off. I'm really sorry to have stressed people out with that because I know I did worry a few of you. I'm just not all here, to be honest, and I haven't handled it well. I'm having some personal struggles and just not doing my best taking care of the resulting issues--it's not anything trauma-based/triggered, it's more along the lines of problems with in-built psychological issues stemming from chemical imbalances that I just don't always manage as effectively as I could. But I'm not physically ill and haven't been in an accident or anything like that, and I'm trying to re-engage with life now. Catching up with people I owe communication/commissions/explanations to is on my list, but I just haven't managed to make it very far into said list yet. I am, however, physically healthy and in stable housing, and if anything emergency-adjacent happens I do have local friends and non-local family members I could get help from, so I'm not in an "immediate crisis" situation.

I'm just also unemployed, out of money, and scraping by on food stamps and state-issued healthcare that doesn't cover my previous psychiatrist, and I haven't been able to find a new one in-network who's taking patients and actually, like . . . calls me back when I leave a message or email them in interest of making an appointment. I'm signed up with a program that can help me get a job, hopefully, but the process is taking a little while and I'm not sure how long it'll take in the end, so the future is very nebulous at the moment.

And like . . . VERY full disclosure, I'm just very depressed and stuck being off my meds for the forseeable future. My room is a mess I can't bring myself to clean up, I feel like I can't engage meaningfully with a lot of things, I don't feel hopeful or optimistic at all, my emotional responses are all heavily muted, my coping mechanisms are avoiding breakdowns but are not long-term helpful or productive, and I'm neglecting a lot of people and things in my life and my own best interests because I just . . . don't care.

I know my situation and my feelings are largely just because I'm going through a major depressive phase unmedicated and with limited personal resources, it's not an end of the world scenario or anything. It's just been difficult and upsetting trying to find ways and motivation to fix my life and get out of that phase when I'm already feeling sunk in a quagmire and like I did all this to myself with my own mistakes, and I'm just trying to take things one step at a time and build back up from where I'm at.

So long story short: I'm not doing great right now but I'm stable, and I greatly appreciate the concern and grace I've been given while being just entirely off radar and am going to be doing my best to make right or make up for the neglect. If anyone wants or needs to check in on anything I owe them, please feel free to message me and ask; I'll be trying to contact everyone I owe anything to but given the brain-fog I've been dealing with I don't trust myself not to miss anybody in there, so believe me, if you feel the need I will in no way be offended and you'd probably be doing me a favor anyway.

Thank you all, you've all been so good to me over the years. I'll hopefully be in touch soon. ❤

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

wed mar 22, 2023

after a very long call with currie, i feel so full. i feel as if we have finally reached the part in our friendship where it's fully transparent and it's so beneficial to both of us to hear each others' thoughts. work was slow, but i was able to let the time go by and it did. i had a nice interaction with nancy, who at first, makes me roll my eyes, but she's truly sweet and it must make her day to come in and spend time with both me and the objects. debra came in-- she experienced the strange narcissistic man that walked in after claiming he picked up trash, that was his own. i thanked her for being there and she, again, acknowledged my wisdom/mental quickness.

ezra and i chatted about apartments. it seems like maybe they'll stay in baltimore longer? i would greatly miss them if they left. i know deep down ezra and ryan are my family. they have been there like no others. ezra has really opened up with me to where it's no longer awkward when its just us. i think i've grown so much through my friendships. it wasn't possible to grow through my given family. my mom recognizes me somewhat, but she's never been someone to give adequate responses or feedback. in some ways i've matured past her. she may have the financial stability and no longer drinks, but she is very much still intertwined with deeply ingrained addictive tendencies, which continue to make her unavailable.

i do think about ado. every day. but the attachment is weakening. time is the healer. i am doing the work. i am paying attention. i am working and processing until i have healed. healing isn't linear, but as the months go by, i realize that i have changed in enormous ways. i am sober (116 days), i have stopped spending frivolously, i have limited my interactions with content on social medias, i have stopped making myself small and having no needs. i deserve respect. i deserve to be a priority to those i hold as a priority. no more one-sided relationships. no more unavailability. i have found such joy in making paper cutouts. it's cute and fun! i feel proud of the one in my fireplace.

kittan is next to me on his back looking so comfortable. i am so lucky to have him in my presence. he is so loving and silly and has the cutest meows and an expert cuddler. he is my family, too. this little home is us, and i am proud. we have a wonderful home filled with glory. we exist at the same time, as two different creatures who find solace in each other. i will get up early to fix myself the pasta for the pesto. maybe i can get myself to do morning exercise. but i refuse to pressure myself. i've been making great strides in having better care regimes.

i got through two difficult situations this week. both have seen some resolve. i am a great asset to hedgerow, i am valued, i am interesting, i am seen. i will ask for a raise in april. i deserve one. the shop wouldn't run without me! as for morgan, i will see how our meet-up goes. if i feel that she can't be present for me as a friend, i will have to re-evaluate. my time is precious. i want to make time for those who want to see me and don't make me feel unwanted/abandoned. as someone with abandonment fears, i acknowledge that i often feel the urge to leave before getting hurt. but with her i've made very direct attempts to show her i want us to hang out and that i cherish her. if that's not something she can do, i need to transfer this energy into new friendships that feel equal and/or things i've been wanting to do with and by myself. i'm really proud of me. i haven't said this to myself enough in my life. i no longer how to survive on crumbs. i am an adult and what had been a way of life growing up isn't how i need to live now. i am my own advocate. other people may seem as if they know more, but we all know and find out for ourselves. trust the process. trust yourself!

[aficwhore]

Truth Is

Chapter 1: A Night Many Months Ago

Frankie "Catfish" Morales x F!reader

Summary: When reuniting for the mission in Colombia, Frankie and the reader (nicknamed "Chipmunk"), bicker due to their rocky past. After some angry exchanges, a few truths come out, changing both of their perspectives. Will the relationship be mended? Or once this is over, will they go back to the way things were before?

Word Count: 3K

Warnings: explicit language, blood, violence, guns/weapons, lots of angst and emotions, infidelity, talk of sex and sexual encounters, drinking, mentions of drugs, talk of death, and talk of mental health(PTSD, depression).

A/N: This was inspired by the song "Truth Is" by Sabrina Claudio. I want to make this a series (my first series ever), but it's still being decided, so please let me know if you want this to be continued! And I am still taking requests and prompts! Thanks Lovelies <3

"Cmon, please Chip, we can't do this without you." Santiago begged, his hands clasped together in front of him to show his desperation as he stood before me in my small apartment kitchen. I sighed, glancing around our surroundings. He had come to ask about joining one last escapade, one last job and we'd all be set for the rest of our lives.

Finally breaking the silence and meeting his weary gaze, "Who all have you rounded up? If Will or Benny said no, there's no way I'm doing it without them." I took another deep breath, turning to continue the dishes I had been doing when Pope showed up.

Santi's face began to light up, his stance growing slightly as he grinned, "Great! They both wanted in, so did Tom." Seeming relieved he leaned against the counter next to the sink and crossed his arms.

"And F-Fish?" I hesitated, pausing the scrubbing on the porcelain dish in my hand. It felt like the air in my lungs no longer existed. My heart began to pound it's way up my throat and into my ears.

His head dipped down, feeling the concern laced in my voice. Clearing his voice, he quietly explained "Haven't asked him yet, he was last on my list."

I silently placed the last dish onto the rack near the sink and wiped my wet hands on my jeans, looking down and watching the wet marks gradually making themselves known. No longer forcing myself to make eye contact, I nodded at the ground.

"Look, querida, if you two just talked I'm sure it would work out." He pushed himself off the counter and stepped towards me, reaching a hand out and gently rubbing my shoulder to console me. "But don't let this change your mind, we really do need you."

"When are you going to mention it to him?" I breathed out, wanting to keep any and all emotions at bay. His hand on my arm squeezed, as if he was trying to give me some courage.

"Tonight, at Benny's fight, I thought his spirits would be up enough to persuade him." He chuckled lightly, knowing his plan was to take a little bit of advantage of Frankie's mood.

I laughed softly, "Definitely sounds like a Santi move if you ask me."

He smirked and shook his head "I know, shame on me." As he dropped his hand back to his side he quirked, "You should come tonight, we can go out for drinks after the fight, relax a little before we leave tomorrow."

It took me a second to register what he said, but when I did I burst out "wait what?! Tomorrow? Santi, why didn't you tell me that? You forgot the biggest detail!"

He cowered down slightly, rubbing the back of his neck "Because I knew you'd yell at me, it was worth a shot putting off the anger a little longer." He smiled coyly.

Rolling my eyes I couldn't help but forgive his dumb smile. "Well it starts soon, why don't I get my things real quick and we can head to the arena together?"

His smile widened, "Of course!" I grabbed my purse and keys, making sure to turn off the lights and lock the door behind me. As we made our way down the elevator and out to his car, Santi told me a few details about the missions and the plan. But once we got into his rinky dink ford truck, I turned to him.

"About Frankie, I'm sure one of the boys told you, but just in case; his license was revoked." Santi's face contorted with confusion.

"What? How? Did he crash or hurt somebody?" He questioned quickly.

After taking a breath of courage I spoke, "No Pope. He-He was caught with coke."

Santi stayed quiet, turning the engine on. "I don't get it" A sad expression plastered on his face.

With a furrow in my brow I spoke again, "What don't you get? He was doing drugs, hardcore ones at that". I began to ramble more, "For what reason, I'm not sure, maybe the PTSD and depression. Maybe he felt he had no one to go to-"

"Stop. I know." He cut me off while finally shifting the gear into drive and moving up forward. "You can't blame anyone for this. All we can do is move on and help him. He's our friend, okay? But I know he's still the same Fish, just a little turned around."

"I know, okay. I can't help it. From what the boys told me, he seems to be a lot better." I added, stirring in my seat. "Anyways, it's been awhile since all of us have been back together. It's exciting."

Santi snickered, "But didn't you all hang out while I've been out of the U.S.?"

Seeing that we're close to the arena's parking garage I explained, "I mean, yea, but only me, Ironhead, Benny and Fish. I haven't talked to Redfly in months, we all had a fallout with him. Especially me."

"Tom didn't say anything when I talked to him, Do you wanna fill me in?" He asked with a quirked eyebrow.

Huffing, I turn to face him, telling him the events of that night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The four of us, the Millers, Frankie and I sat on my couch, watching TV and talking, when we hear a bang at the door. I got up to open it and find Tom slumped on the doorway. He looked rough and smelled like he had been drinking the past several days. "Woah, Tom, you're really drunk, and you drove here?"

He snapped, beginning to yell, "Who are you to judge me? Huh? My wife left me, this is how I cope." He angrily pushed his way past me and tumbled into the living room. He was greeted with the boys standing around him with concerned faces.

"What the hell were you thinking? You know how dangerous that is? You know you could've called and we would've been there for you!" I raised my voice back, causing Tom to swing around to face me.

He laughed darkly, "Oh shut up 'Miss Perfect,' just like you did for Fish? When he was nose deep in coke? Or are you too self obsessed? Or do you just have favorites!"

"Hey man, that's not cool." Will interrupted and tried to get a handle on Tom. Frankie lowered his head in embarrassment. Will reached forward and placed a hand on his back, but things escalated more.

"Oh okay, yea protect the whore, we all know she's there for you guys more than just talking. I wouldn't doubt it if you all fucked her too. But me? Nah, you leave me out of everything." Tom howled, yanking away from Will and slurring his words and no longer making sense.

Anger becoming more prominent, I spoke, "Seriously?! Whore?! How is it my fault that you push us away and don't let us help? We include you in everything, but you have your head so far stuck up your ass you never show up!" I've come face to face with him, my hot breath and voice blowing into his face above me. "And another thing, I'm not a whore, you asshole, I'm with Frankie!"

He leaned closer to me, his breath reeking of alcohol, "Just him? Does he know where you're at everyday Monday and Wednesday at 1?! I doubt it!"

Frankie speaks up, "What? What is he talking about?" A devilish smirk makes its way to Tom's face.

"Nothing, I swear it's nothing." I try to explain, making eye contact with my partially hurt lover.

"Tell him, tell him you've been seeing a 'Dr. Philips.' Go on, do it." He rubs it in.

Looking behind Tom, I saw Frankie looking like his world had just shattered. "You've been seeing someone?!"

Panicking, I speak, "Yes, but it's not what you think, I promise!"

"Then what is it?" Tom adds, stumbling back a foot and crossing his arms contently at the damage he just caused.

Benny spoke up, knowing the truth about who I was "seeing." "You need to leave man, you have no right to say shit like that. You don't know the real situation"

Tom burst, yelling "I want her to admit it! I want her to admit that she isn't the perfect bitch she makes herself out to be!"

"Fuck you! Get the hell out of my house!" I scream, tears slightly welling in my eyes. "Frankie-" I turn to him, but to find him grabbing his things. "Baby please, let me explain."

"Explain what? You've been cheating on me?" his voice is loud, and cracks slightly.

A tear breaks its way down my cheek, "I haven't, Frankie, please believe me." I grab his hand, trying to stall his movements, but he pulls away.

"You just admitted it!" He frowns and yanks his hand away and heads for the door.

"That's right Fishie boy! Leave her, she's no good anyway!" Tom squawks as Benny grabs a hold of him and shoves him to the door, Will right behind to help.

"You bastard!" I lunged forward and swung my hand, landing right on the side of his face with a loud crack. Frankie spun around, startled at my actions.

The action only fueled Tom's anger because he ripped away from Benny's grip and grabbed me. I didn't back down and started to shove him and swing my arms, hitting him in the face and chest as he fought back.

But just as quickly as the fight started, it ended. Frankie tore me off of Tom, pinning me to his chest and stopping my brutal hits. Will and Benny wrested Tom into submission and dragged him out of the front door as he yelled slurs at me, and dumped him outside with a battered face.

While the brothers were dealing with a drunk Redfly, Frankie scolded and verbally fought with me.

"Just tell me! Who is Dr. Philips!" He questioned, slightly shaking me by the shoulders.

With many emotions running through my head, I couldn't process what was going on. "I-I can't, Frankie, I can't even admit it to myself." Tears streaming down my face I brought my hands up to the sides of his face. "But you have to believe me, por favor (please)."

Francisco looked like he was fighting an emotional battle in his mind. He finally spoke, "Either you tell me, or I leave, I can't do this, not if you keep things from me."

Feeling my heart break, I whispered "Please, mi amor (my love), don't make me. I'm not strong enough." My eyes now running like an open faucet and my hands tightly pressed to his cheeks.

He blinks away tears, reaching his hands up to grab mine and pull them away from his face, "Then I have to go." He drops my hands and turns to leave.

"Por favor no me dejes! (Please don't leave me)" I call after him, watching as he heads out of the door and into the night, leaving me alone. I drop to the floor, tears blurring my vision and all that can be heard are my sobs.

After what feels like hours, Will and Benny return, picking me up off the floor and taking me to my bed. They lay me down, attempting to help my emotional breakdown. They pick up whatever mess that was left after the event of that night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And after that night, Tom was no longer invited anywhere with us. Frankie distanced himself and refused to talk to me. But Will and Benny did their best to be there for me in any way they could. They did the same for Frankie. But as for Tom, they casted him out, because he changed, badly." I finished covering the story of that night, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. "And the Dr. Philips I was seeing, was my therapist. I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't okay mentally. I was embarrassed and part of me didn't want to admit I needed help. The lives we chose aren't easy."

Santi parked, and seemed shocked, "I'm sorry love, I knew you split with Fish, but didn't know any details or about Tom." He reached over and patted my thigh sympathetically. "I really am sorry that you went through all of that because Tom was an asshole. You really don't have to do this-"

"No I want to, I'm in a better place, so is everyone else." I smiled shyly, wanting to lift the spirits. "So what do you say? Let's go wrangle up our boys and get rich?"

Pope smiled brightly, "Hell yes!" We both got out of the car, and headed to the back of the arena and knocked, hoping Will was there to open it like he told Santi he would. Much to our luck, the door swung open to reveal a tall, smiling, blonde Miller brother.

"Brother!" Santi chuckled as he pulled the eldest Miller into a hug, clapping each other on the back. They pulled away as Pope headed inside to find the others.

"Hey pretty girl, long time no see." Will joked, hugging me tightly.

I scoffed, "Will, you were just at my house last night." We both laughed and he led me into a rank smelling locker room, which I assumed was for Benny to get ready. As we rounded the corner, I saw Benny and Tom chatting on one of the benches between the lockers.

"Chipmunk!" Benny roared as he ran over, picked me up and spun me around. "I missed you! I'm so glad you could make it!" He sat me back down and stepped back to sit on the bench again.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss you getting your ass beat for the world!" I giggled as I winked at him, showing the younger of us a bit of love.

He shook his head with a grin. As my eyes left him, they met with the eyes of Tom. He seemed to have a look of regret, trying to give me a sad smile.

I walked over to him, reaching my hand in a fist forward, lightly tapping his shoulder, "Hey fly, how you been?"

A small wave of relief washed over him as he responded "I'm good Chip, how are you? And look I'm really sorry, I wasn't in a good place and I regret-"

"Its okay Tom, really, it is. I'm just glad you're better. It's water under the bridge." I sit next to him and pat his back, showing that all, or at least most, is forgiven.

He nods slowly, "Thank you, it means a lot that you're here."

"Oh cmon you have to admit it, you couldn't do it without me, the best there is." I pretend to act over confident and burst into laughter. And Tom joins in.

As Tom and I begin to catch up, talking about what we've missed these past several months, I overhear a conversation.

"Hermano (brother)! How are you?" Santi greets Frankie, I assume, he was the last of us, who wasn't already here. When I realize that it is him, my heart begins to race. My skin starts to burn and get hot, my palms becoming sweaty.

"Pope! Benny! Ironhead! What is this, a reunion?" Frankie's voice echoes as they come closer. As the three round the corner, "All we need is Redfly and Chip-" Frankie stops as we become revealed to him. Tom gets up immediately and struts over to give Fish a hug. Frankie's face lights up with glee and hugs him back. When they step away from each other, I wearily stand up and all he does is give an awkward smile and nods in my direction.

Benny attempts to whisper to Santi, "Ouch, that's cold." And Santi jabs him in the stomach with his elbow, causing him to double over and make a "hmf" sound.

Being slightly hurt, I break the uneasy tension by opening an invitation, "Alright well I'm gonna go get a beer and find us some good seats, it's close to showtime!" Faking a smile I continue, "Who's coming?"

"Me, I can't be in here with this doofus anymore." Will chuckle as he ruffles Ben's hair and follows right behind me.

When we make it to the concession stand and order beers, Will taps my arm, "How are you feeling?"

With a sigh, "Honestly I expected that, but it hurt more when it actually happened. But what can I say." I grab out drinks from the concession worker and thank her and turn on my heels to find a seat. "I love him, and if that means waiting to mend things, it worth it, even if it means waiting forever."

Will offers a sympathetic grin. "It'll work, just watch. Oh! Over there! Perfect seats!" He points as his attention was caught by an opening near the rink. He pursues it as I follow behind.

While we sit, we joke around, waiting for the rest of the gang to come sit and watch Benny get thrown around. Finally the last three show up and sit with us, Tom sat on Will's right side, me on his other side, Santi on my left, but when Frankie walks up, he bends down and whispers to Santi, causing him to scoot further away from me and leaving room for Frankie to slot himself between us. Which took me by surprise. Once he was seated, he glanced over to me and gave me a genuine smile.

We don't say a word as the lights begin to dim and the announcer's voice breaks through the speaks, introducing our dear Benny and his opponent.

Our small group starts to cheer and scream Benny's name, to show him support. As he enters the rink, he searches for us, and when he finds us, he smiles big.

In the midst of all the commotion, Frankie leans over and whispers to me, "I missed you, cariño (sweetheart)."

My face whips around to meet a very close Fish, who is smiling. "I missed you too." I give a small smile and lean to my side to shoulder bump him, as he places a hand on my knee.

[ofherlionheart]

director's cut for hotel sheets, brimming with finery if you haven't done already?

it's one of my favs. i think it's hard to show friendship (and not just tell it) and the fake dating uncovering the pining and everything is just 💯

(i also love to be only, to be every. the love and support between them is great)

hotel sheets! my fave sprint challenge to date. i'm a fan of the fake relationship trope, and when fake dating was one of the options for day 1 of zukka week, i was like. hell yeah. let's take a stab at this

neither z nor s particularly strike me as ppl who'd ask a rando to be their fake date, so i decided to go full opposite: they've been really close friends for years. also this way, the situation felt less like "rahhhh vengeance on my ex! she missed out!" and more like "i would really appreciate support for this event even if i won't come right out and say so" (which fell in line with my goal to not vilify zahra).

so then, yes: the challenge of illustrating how closely tied z & s are, while also nudging them towards sharing their feelings and doing something abt it. i fully pulled from my own experiences with intimate friendships to craft their dynamic. to me, markers of friendships have always been of course the big staples — being there for/supporting them, celebrating their successes, commiserating in their losses — but also a plethora of small things. i very intentionally memorize my friends' dietary restrictions and eating preferences, so i always serve/offer something they can eat/drink and know what dishes on a menu they'd be willing to split with me. i know how my friends' tones shift when they're tired or not open to pursuing a conversation at the moment or when they're asking a leading question b/c they actually want to ask me a different question. when you know someone well, there are so many memories you have of them and facts you know about them that you draw upon when you're just, like, hanging out, in a way that lets you accurately assume so many things that you can't assume about a stranger. imo intimate friendship means you can skip 30-85% of a standard conversation and everyone's meaning is still conveyed 100% clearly.

so that's what i tried to capture through s's POV: s knows z is snappish b/c he's tired, not b/c he's annoyed at s's Q. s knows exactly why z scrunches his nose when he sneaks a sip of s's champagne. s knows how to kiss z b/c z mentioned what he liked once. z only needs one glance at s's face to know that he's nervous or tired or stupidly enamored.

and when i was in the process of writing, i kept asking myself, would i already know the answer to this Q abt a person i know if we've been friends for 7 years? if the answer was yes, i put that related content in s's internal narrative rather than in dialogue, by referencing past memories without blowing them open (b/c that's now how our memory works lol). or, in the dialogue, instead of introing a topic, z would only need to mention one thing for s to know exactly what he was referencing.

(ask me for the director’s cut of a story, section, or line!)

[unprofessional-bard]

Hello Stranger

Pairing: Connor x Reader

Word Count: 1819

Warnings: Bullying. So angsty at first. Does the end count as fluff??

Summary: Modern AU where Connor is being bullied, and the reader immediately takes action the moment they realise that Connor is being bullied.

Author's Note: This is my first fic where I tried my best to make the piece for readers of all genders! If I made a mistake and used a gender specific pronunciation, please let me know!

// @marshmallow--3 here you go ♡

Enjoy!

Gif credit: aerloria

You knew he wasn't exactly fond of people, you knew for a fact that he liked to be alone and that he didn't exactly like talking to people unless absolutely necessary. He was very quiet, wore an unreadable mask, but generous and kind nevertheless. You had a few classes in common and whenever you'd miss something, or just not attend the class, he was the one you'd always go to see if there was any homework or essays due - anything. And he didn't seem to mind, if anything, you felt like he enjoyed your presence. Or maybe you were just being foolish, but you felt somewhat special because you were allowed into his personal bubble on some level.

But that level was a very low level, it seemed.

"See you at lunch?" Matt, a close friend of yours, asked before you headed your separate ways.

"You bet," you smiled at Matt and turned around the corridor. You noticed how the hallway was partly empty even though the bell had just rung, as you kept walking to the end of the corridor. It was right before you turned another corner when you heard raised voices from where you were headed. Turns out most of the people were gathered there, where Connor and a few boys were stood behind him. People were pretending to either talk with their friends or take something from their locker, but everyone was just watching as the following scenario took place:

"Come on, big guy!" One of the boys, who seemed to be the leader of their little group, spoke loudly. Connor was going through his locker extra slowly, hoping that they'd leave him be, but that didn't seem to be happening. You made your way through the throng of people to see what was happening more clearly.

"Look, Dan! Seems like Connor here is ignoring us," The boy next to the lead said. "He looks so big and tough, but he's just a sissy and nothing more!"

Oh, hell no, you thought as you shoved your way past the people who were watching.

"Leave me be," Connor spoke firmly, without turning around, his voice barely audible.

"Leave you be?" Dan spoke. "Now where's the fun in that, beast boy?"

"Hey!" You yelled as you finally made your way out and into the circle where they all stood. "Leave him be."

"Oh? And who are you? Beauty of our beastie here?" Dan burst out laughing as you rolled your eyes angrily.

"Don't you have anything better to do? Walk away and don't let me see you around him again." You spoke defensively as Dan took a slow step toward you.

"Or what exactly?" Dan said and suddenly, shoved you harshly across the hall.

What you didn't expect was, the moment you got up, Connor immediately grabbed Dan by the collar and shoved him against the wall with incredible strength and ease. Everything was happening so fast, you barely had the time to yell 'Connor!' as a boy approached him from behind.

As if he had a sixth sense and didn't need your warning, he immediately ducked, let go of Dan and tackled the boy to the ground who advanced on him. You, just like everyone else, was shaken at how swiftly Connor moved and took down the boy.

You didn't think twice when you ran towards Dan and pushed him against the wall once more before he could reach Connor, who was dealing with the other boys. Dan let out a pained gasp as his back hit the wall, but immediately managed to land a punch on your lips after his two attempts on trying to punch you. You lost your balance and immediately hit the ground with a painful grunt.

Connor immediately turned around at your distressed tone, and his expression immediately changed from anger to horror when he saw you on the floor. This had to end and it had to end now.

"Stop this!" Connor growled at Dan as he walked over to where you were.

"Why? You and your-" But before he could finish his sentence, Connor's fist connected with Dan's nose in a sucker punch, making everyone watching gasp simultaneously.

"What the hell is going on here?" You heard the familiar, biting tone of the principal boom across the hallway. But it didn't stop one of the boys to strike at Connor one more time, successfully connecting a punch to his nose, doubling him over.

"Connor-!" You cried and rushed over to his side as quick as your unfocused mind allowed. Just as you did, the principal emerged from the crowd; his confused expression turning into one of shock, then anger.

"Daniel and his little gang, why am I not surprised?!" The principal yelled at the Dan who looked like he was about to pass out, then looked at the both of you; Connor's nose bleeding and your lip split open and also bleeding: "I expected more from the both of you- To my office, now!"

"So, let me get this straight," The principal sighed. "You wanted to help Mr. Kenway here because he was being bullied by those four hooligans, but the first physical contact was made by them and the damage made by your side is entirely self defence."

"Yes, sir," You spoke, flinching at the pain caused by your lip. "Everyone was watching Connor being harassed by Dan and no one was doing anything about it, I had to step up."

"How long has this been going on, Mr. Kenway?" The principal looked over to Connor who was holding a piece of cloth to his bleeding nose.

"For... some time." Connor replied after a moment of silence, looking at the ground.

"Why didn't you say something to us Mr. Kenway?" The principal spoke in disbelief, then turned to you. "Did you know of this?"

"Of course I didn't!" You spoke, equally in disbelief. "Had I known... Oh, had I known-"

"A lot of students in this school are being bullied, and I haven't seen the staff help them in any way, so I didn't bother." Connor replied sharply at the principal. "And I know the reason why you are so interested in my case all of a sudden. It is because you know what my father is capable of doing to your reputation."

The principal was quiet, fear had washed over his face: "Your father... yes, he cares a great deal about you, it is true..."

Haytham Kenway was a man of great power, and you knew that Dan and his friend's were going to get an earful when they got home, mainly because they had no idea who's son they had messed with. You looked at the principal, then Connor, then at the principal again. It came to you as a shock when you realised what Connor had said: He just called the principal out with such confidence, you knew it had nothing to with his blood ties. He spoke not because he wouldn't get into trouble, but because it was the right thing to do. The school indeed did not pay any attention to the kids being bullied, and Connor just called the principal out for their horrible mistake. You never thought in a million years that Connor would do such a thing, it was very brave of him.

After a moment of silence, the principal gulped and nodded: "You may leave now... As for Daniel and his friends, you needn't worry about them any longer."

You both got up at the same time and left the room without another word.

"You okay, Connor?" you asked as you both walked side by side.

"Are you okay?" He suddenly stopped and turned to face you. "You did a foolish thing back there, you did not have to-"

"Connor," you interrupted him. "I had to. You weren't doing anything about it, no one was doing anything about it, but someone had to. And that someone was me."

"But look at you, they ruined your face..." Connor protested with a guilty expression on his face as he looked at your lip. You felt like you were going to melt then and there at how caring he was with you.

"So? It'll heal," you reassured him with a soft smile. "Physical scars heal, what they were doing to you back there? That sort of treatment won't heal so easily. Why do you put up with them?"

"Why are you so worried about me? I got you into this, shouldn't you be angry with me for getting you into this?"

"I got myself into this, knowingly and entirely by my own will, the responsibility of my actions are my own." You sighed and began walking again, but Connor gently grabbed your wrist to stop you.

"There's uh-" Connor stopped as if he was trying to construct a very long sentence in his mind. "Would you like to have some coffee?"

You blinked, slowly processing what he had just said. He looked reluctant and in discomfort. You'd love that, but you didn't want to push him into being friends with you: "Oh, you don't have to-"

"There is a nice cáfe not too far from here," He unintentionally interrupted you. "I just... I want to show you my gratitude, please, it is the least I can do."

You looked at your feet, not entirely sure if he's a hundred percent okay with this -as making him uncomfortable was the last thing you wanted- but if it's going to help his conscience, you'd like nothing more.

"Alright then, but you have to tell me where you learned to fight like that," you smiled the sweetest smile you could muster and relaxed when you saw his expression brighten up. "I just did what all the people who passed by you should've done. Had I known earlier... I never noticed, I'm sorry-"

"Don't," his hand shot up to grab your arm, but immediately retreated as soon as your eyes locked. "Do not apologise, please. I put you in this situation and I hate that I did. Let me- let me buy you a coffee and we can forget about this."

But you knew he'd never forget a single frame of the events that took place an hour ago, and neither would you.

You could only smile and murmur 'Alright' as you grabbed the handle of your bag, turning your head away. It really was nice of him to be doing this. You never really had a full conversation with him before, but even though you wanted to talk to him more often as he seemed to have only but a few friends, he seemed uninterested so you kept your distance because you didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

But it would seem like he's finally interested in making another friend. Little had you known that this would be the begging of an everlasting, wonderful friendship.

[lonelymamasworld-blog]

I am almost 27 weeks! The third trimester is just around the corner and I am so excited and terrified. Lil bean is getting big!! He is very active all the time. One of my favorite things to do these days is just sit and feel him kick. I already love him so much and I can't wait to meet him, although the stress and anxiety I have with having him here makes me want him to be be a few weeks over due. Lol.

I have pretty much shut down all of my emotions. I could feel the anxiety and grief in my belly (as weird as that sounds) and I knew I couldn't let those negative emotions affect my Lil bean in there. I think this has caused me to have nightmares because I haven't processed all of the emotions I've been going through this past year. I talked to my doctor about the depression a couple months ago and she recommended taking vitamin d and magnesium. Taking those vitamins every day have helped so much, I honestly feel like a normal person for the first time in years.

It's been almost a year since I lost my best friend. I'm not any closer to being okay. I miss her every single day. My heart is broken without her. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted.

The father of my baby is more than likely not going to be a part of his life. It's such a stupid situation and I can't believe I put myself in it. But I just won't let someone speak to me like I'm nothing. Treat me like I'm nothing. The way he has acted is more than enough for me to keep my child away from him. Telling me he is going to tell my son what a nasty slut I am because I slept with someone else. We weren't together. He had told me he didn't want me or the baby several times, told me he was fucking other people, cussed me like a dog, not to mention plenty of other things. He doesn't deserve a place in my life or my child's anymore. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried over and over to make it work somehow. Literally all I wanted was for us to be a little family and happy. He told me he was infertile to begin with (yeah right) so I thought he would be happy but he wasnt. Just more stressed than normal, he treated me so badly and flipped back and forth on me so much that i began to believe he was trying to make me miscarry by stressing me out. He has been threatening me since the day after I found out I was pregnant saying he is going to take custody and that I'm unfit. Last month we have know each other for a year. And he acts like he knows me better than anyone. Ugh.

To anyone still reading this awful rambling venting post thank you and I'm so sorry. Hah. I just really needed to vent.

[velvereen]

diary entry 003

ㅡ january 26th, 2021 (9:58pm)

i have dediced i will attempt to churn out a piece of writing.

just a sampler, really. i have been meaning to sit and let words flow freely out of my fingers for quite a feel days now, and this seemed like an appropriate time to do so. truly no feeling like it. i will, however, preface this by saying my head has been feeling very weird for a couple of days now. not just my head, but my body, generally speaking. it has been feeling quite off and this might have something to do with the medication i have been taking.

i have suffering from intermittent anxiety symptoms which have led to difficulties falling asleep. staying still has been quite hard, for some reason. i was very nervous last night and i have not been able to pinpoint a reason, but at the stage of the pandemic the world finds itself in it's really no wonder all the chaos would catch up to me at some point.

granted, it has been taking its toll for well over a couple of months now, but it had not hit quite as hard. i'm still not doing that great, but i'm taking steps to improve my situation. i did my best to care for myself today. i showered and i brushed my teeth and i moisturized my face and body, paying special attention to my shoulder blades.

too much information, maybe.

still, that's what happened and i'm aiming to be as transparent as possible here.

i also clipped my nails, not that there is any relevance to that. again, still something i wanna point out. i'm sure you won't mind. you probably don't know me, after all. i'm not sure who i'm addressing this to, by the way. i've been putting some of my diary entries on this account, and it wouldn't be too weird for a complete stranger to run into them sooner or later. there's a certain eroticism to that, one i won't dive into because that's not something i'm inclined to write about during this particular moment in time.

forgive me, but i'm not sure i can keep this narrative going in a linear fashion. it turns out accomplishing that is very hard when you sit down to write about nothing in particular. i though i was having a panic attack the other night, by the way. it was really weird. i don't think that was it, though. probably symptoms of the aforementioned medication i was taking. it wasn't prescription, so that's certainly that on that. whatever that is.

it's now 9:22pm and i feel like watching a movie. a cute one. i'm leaning towards something out of studio ghibli, ideally something i have already watched. i don't wanna process a whole new narrative. this has been a weird couple of days and i'm in dire need of some peace.

it would be most appreciated at this moment. it has been hard, practicing this entire existence deal during these past few months. i'm still locked down with my family ten months into the pandemic, and that entire situation is still as disastrous as ever. but that's another thing i don't feel like typing about. i'm really glad i'm my own individual and i'm free to take the cards i've been dealt and do as i view fit, but tapping into that state of mind is surely quite hard when you find yourself in an environment that clashes with the set of beliefs you operate on.

there's a lot of things i have been meaning to do for a long time now. i need to set foot outside, find some grass and lay in it. that would do wonders for me, i think.

i also need to get beyond shitfaced in the company of my friends, all of whom i miss more than these words i'm typing out can comprehend. i also wanna make new friends and get shitfaced with them, too. it has been a while since i've gotten drunk, though. at this rate, i might just need to microdose alcohol when the pandemic is over, and that's a funny thought.

this is completely unrelated, but a void has burrowed somewhere in my body this past week. again, that might just be the aforementioned medication, but it's a very weird feeling that i'm feeling even as i type this out. i'm not fond of it, at all. it's so weird. i'm not sure what i can do to satiate it, if that's even the word i want to use in this context. but it's been bothering me and has something to do with why i've been having trouble sleeping, and why i was entirely convinced i was having a panic attack the other day.

by the way, i was really bored yesterday. it was the middle of the night and i decided to put a condom on, for no reason whatsoever. around two weeks back, i was planning on hooking up with this boy i don't like all that much, so i went to grab a pack on the corner drugstore, but i broke my foot a couple days before i was gonna come over, so that entire thing fell through. and since the condoms had just been hidden in a box of toys from when i was little for that entire time, i decided to do something to them when i couldn't fall asleep. not trying to accomplish anything by relaying that information to whoever has read this far into whatever this tale is. still keeping that in for the sake of transparency, though. cheers to that.

i love living in this world but i'm still able to recognize a lot is wrong with it. i don't think you can be truly whole in a world this broken, but it's still such a beautiful world nonetheless. that's owed partially to love, which is kind of what my latest essay of sorts focused on. still, when you're talking about a world in which so many horrible things happen, maybe embracing your brokenness is the only was to become whole, whatever that term may mean to you. i'm typing this on wordpad and i'm  not sure these words are ever gonna see the light of day. i love you, though. and i love myself a whole lot, as well. i think if i were to title this little open letter, the title would just be whole. seems fitting, for some reason.

i just lowered my computer's brightness to thirty out of one hundred. i'm gonna wrap this up, i think. i still wanna watch a cute movie, like i mentioned earlier, but i might not end up doing that. i'll try to stay away from my phone, though. not that you'll ever know if i succeeded, or ended up watching the movie. whatever movie that is. just in case i haven't made myself clear, i love you. as much as i love love. and myself. be mindful of your actions and put love into your every nightly affirmation. hang in there. i'll do my best, too.

a little note: i tried by brandy is a very good song and it has been on repeat for around three days now. i'll leave you with that song recommendation. while you're at it, make sure you also get into to any time, any place by janet jackson. that's another great song. i love music

[whybaddecisions]

To the one that got away:

It was winter when she first came to picture, I was just an ordinary guy that worked abroad didn't know what to do no goal, ambition, or even dreams if I can consider it, Was making money but I can't feel satisfaction while doing it soulless and partially lifeless in the process, before I came home I was in a long distance relationship with someone from France and everything worked out just fine but eventually we lacked personal intimacy, to the point that were not even trying to communicate with each other just went with our days without even saying "Hi" or "Good morning" to be honest I thought that she would be the one for me and I'll be the one for her, I was greatly mistaken to have thought that, because if u truly wish someone to be with you till your last breath it must have the right amount of perseverance, the strive to push forward and not to quit and fight! One day we came to an agreement that the thing we have isn't working out anymore, so we broke up decided to be friends, just like that in a snap of a finger she was gone and so am I.

I know that it's rough on both of us but on the other hand it felt that the chemistry wasn't there anymore so it's better to leave that be.

After a month I decided to focus more on my career first since I'm waiting for my agency to call and kick me out of the country again but with a new job on a cruise ship around Us and Europe, while waiting i knew that my brother knows a lot of people here in the Philippines that has a company related to my forte so I asked him

"Man do you know anyone in the industry looking for a waiter?"

He told me that there was one here in Batangas and she was a good friend of his.

"yeah I know a place just a 5 min drive from here"

So I was excited cuz I'm going to work my ass off and forget what has happened.

So there it was "TRICIA'S" name of the workplace my brother told me about, and on December 17, 2019 I started there as a waiter, it was an open house bar kinda rowdy but in a good way but damn do these kids party hard! My shift was from 4pm to 4am and it was messy as hell always but I had fun in the process.

Then that faithful day came to place, all the stars were aligned and the soothing falling of leaves was upon me, I didn't expect any less from that day than any day cause for me it was just goin to turn out as an ordinary day, but then u came and I saw you with my best friend. 🙏 well I couldn't care less at first if u talk to me or not, but the first time you shut me down is when you were passing by my side I thought that u are going to get a menu off the bar, and I was psyched and told myself "now's my chance to like give her the menu and make small talk" Then u said "No" off the bat cuz u were just going to grab that box of tissue, boo me assumer! Then I remembered u were with my best friend so time to show off I think? Like provide them with the best service possible, bring the drinks on time, food must be hot, bucket of ice must be full all the time, no delay in anything like to the fullest service a server can give them, after all was served I was shocked that u said Hi and Hi again and again complimented my cologne called me by my nickname which wasn't really needed, I was shy just making a grin of my mouth just to show her I'm not bothered, but I'm to the fullest extent cause I already asked for ur name, checked u out on Facebook through my best friend that's why I was shy.

The u guys left. And I asked my bff

"should I add her on FB? What ya think?"

She replied with so much enthusiasm

"Gooooo! Add her, she wants to be friends with you also"

And boom it hit me like the biggest meteorite just punched through earth, I was so overwhelmed and cannot wipe the smile of my face that morning.

I'm not normal I can say that proudly in a good way of course, but if someone overwhelmed already with the thought of his/her crush wanting for them to be friends and then out of nothing she says that do you want me to bring you coffee, that would be the most awesome thing that would happen to you, you'd probably be smiling for the whole day like legitimately smiling at everyone with the upmost feeling. For me coffee is sometimes is more important than people but for what she did LFU!!! And she brought me my coffee that morning and she insisted on bringing it , on that day she already got me.

Time passed and things were going accordingly, perfectly some bumps along the way, but we were happy and contended to what we had and a few dates, I remember on the night before Christmas I was supposed to give u your present and you stood me up because of a party your family held and I understood that situation of yours, kinda sulk tho that we didn't get to meet but one of my favorite memory is when you asked me out on a date and it was Christmas, you got to meet my parents also sorry if your hills was soaked in water cuz it was pouring heavily that day. We ate at "Romantic Baboy" a Korean restaurant with unlimited pork skin, chicken strips and cheese on the sides, and you know what's my favorite part of that particular day? Is when I took a picture of you smelling a rose and thought to myself that I don't want this to end may the universe hinder us from us but I'll fight with my last breath to preserve what we have and what else will happen. Then I fucked up.

Scribbled words, nauseated, anxious, crippled, out of way, bothered, stressed,fretful,fretting, disturbed, agitated, irritated, apprehensive, to the point that I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror so disgusted to what I did, execute me if the universe wants to, the feeling of overly doubting my self worth was inevitable, brought to me by my own decisions that messed me up entirely.

Wondering what happened haunts me in the most gruesome way possible. So here it goes, I lied to her big-time which I didn't know that it was possible since I did it already not multiple times but only ONE THAT GOT ME REAL FUCKED! Is when I received a message from my longtime best friend from way back as kids, 20 years to be exact . On the message she told me

"when are you going to show urself I haven't seen u in forever"

Then I was shocked cause normally she wouldn't Pm (Private Message) like that in the past, then I told her.

"one of these days when I'm not busy cause of work"

Then she asked about my love life and u were the first in my mind so I told her about you.

"there's this girl that I'm seeing, my other best friend introduced me to her and she already met my parents last Christmas then we ate outside and we had a great time"

That's what I said then I also told her to help me find a perfect present for you.

Then on December 27, 2019 I told you that I'll be visiting a long time friend with a kid and I didn't tell you if it was a girl or a boy cause I don't want you to get angry at me but then again I should've told you that in the first place. When I was there at her house since we were long time friends we had a great time also with the kid in the picture, happy and overwhelmed at the same time, then her mother came down gave me a hug and greeted me welcome home or back to the phil, cause she hasn't seen me for over 4 years I think. After the the greetings my best friend told her mom that I'm seeing someone which is you. Well I didn't expect that she would be sly about it and drop your name so casually, so I just came right through it and said yes I'm dating this girl and she's wonderful, but her mom told me that r u taking things way to fastly you just got out of a relationship, I told them that also I was off with someone before I met you. So after they told me not to deepen anything with anyone yet, assuring that I would not get hurt cause for them I'm family also, cause her dad was the godfather of my brother that's why our families was close still to this point they are.

Then the next day came I went again to her house because I was having fun playing with her son and missed talking to her a lot, because in the longest time I had a crush on her and knowing me I couldn't seal the deal from before, but this time I thought to myself maybe this is it when she'll notice the man i have become, and you passed my memory, in me saying that I'm dating this girl and why should I break her heart? Did u deserve to be treated that way Nooooo! In fuckin million years no! But I did anyways. Without even consenting my best friend, myself and most importantly God. I messed up 😭

So then it happened the happiest'sh and the worst'sh decision in my existence trampling over someone that didn't deserve any hardships cause you were the most beautiful soul ever seen. Yeah I misunderstood the fact that she'll replace you over and over again because of the thing we had in the past like 20 years of friendship over something that just happened recently was a very wrong thought to even deliver in a person's mouth crippling fear came over me I didn't know what to do my life was in chaos lost in the path, I part take wishing it all away silently murmuring to myself that if had the power to change it all I would, I was blinded really blinded by that stumbling and staggering in every situation possible, even with work I wasn't happy anymore so I left, it's not like me to leave unprofessionally but I did cause it broke me down to my core knowing that I did something to hurt the most, I don't know if it's faith that we met or just me knocking on the door of heaven praying and longing for someone to bump in my life and there you was. But I was too blinded by the fact that I thought that she'll be the one to save me but you were there standing without flinching and with the unyielding love that a human person can give to another and I wasted it all away. Knowing that we were supposed to go to an amusement park, and guess what? That Jan 3 was the day destiny punched me in the face for me to tell you what I got in stored deep inside the dark and deep corners of my heart which was hard to let it out, but I was willing to get out of my comfort zone, break boundaries and say what I really mean.

But then again it didn't happen because of me. But why is that I don't have a perfect checklist of good things in life and almost all of it is on the bad side, really looking inside I didn't have any intention of hurting you, but when I came to see you coming from manila was one of the blurriest decision I've made cause I was going to fix everything but was still blinded, so I did see you but what I said that day when we were inside the car was all true, you mean the world to me but how dumb can a human be maybe I'm the epitome of that, knowing her and thinking she was the one was greatly poor on my side, some people are worth suffering for and I'll suffer for you anytime of the day, week, year or anywhere.

Saying this honestly you are the one with a pure heart on the other hand she also has but like only in a normal state and I thought she was a diamond but day by day she turns to coal slowly breaking and burning me in the process I don't blame her for that but knowing her I didn't expect that a shallow river is bound to drop over me and drown me, because in your eyes I saw a girl swimming in a vast ocean with many things to look after but was calm about it, and composed in a way that anything can turn out good and without harms way. Simply saying that u r different really different in a good way of course.

The self realization made it clearer than the brightest day, clarity filled up inside,b the blindness was cured and I can see far from what I saw before straightforward only walking in one path never turning right or left staying on a pace that'll last, growing abundantly in each other's presence. point here is i really know that u are the perfect illustration a right decision

I hope and pray eventually time will get us to see and feel that something happens for a reason, it's not just the way it was given but on the way it ends and begins again, hoping,praying, begging, pleading, that when that time comes even if it's on a reciprocal I will greatly cherish it and give it as grace without asking for anything in return like a river splashing water on the ground with the little weed sprouting through time, it doesn't have to be the entire ground but the important parts only, perfect timing, right alignment of stars and even if the wind blows strongly or a single rain drop I'll always bring you close by my side and wanting you to stay beside me. I just wish in time we would see each other in our arms again.

And to the one that got away.

Looking back to those days we were so happy I really wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and the simple things u did, like looking at me with those mesmerizing eyes and the captivating depth and clarity it shown, the way you cling was warmth beyond any parka or furred jacket I've worn before saying slowly while you hug me that you'll never let go. And the way you pull your hair back showing roaring waves but calms me up to the core while the strands of your hair graze my face tingles my curiosity to kiss you in the forehead. And I never felt an urge every time you kissed me on the cheek and while you ask me to kiss you back was the sweetest tune my ears can imagine like angelic figures playing the harp or something like that. And the way we used to drive with ur friends feels like ecstasy having fun and in a euphoric way, I like seeing you laugh a lot, curse a lot at people, things or anything cause im not finding any wrong in that, because that's who you are and what you represent. Also the times we had so much fun singing those songs you recommended me. And to this particular song which made me see you in whole different level, cause you were the first one who dedicated something for me, those giggles that both of us shared is more important the . The unparralled and unrequited feeling that those gestures are simply producing, but what I say is the manifestation of genuine love is you.