#i mightve had a bit of a crush on this girl

[toomanyeggs2003]

Been thinking about anxiety a lot lately, and I think one of the main things that helps me cement that fact that everyone has it, and that everyone is going...fucking around and finding out is the fact that: in high school, we went to the doctor and got me meds. I had to miss the last school period because of it.

The next day when I came back, a girl sitting next to me - who was popular. She talked to everybody, she had lots of friends, and she was pretty - turned and asked where I had been. Frankly, a little starstruck, I mumbled out that I went to the doctor, and explained why, and mentioned the new brand of meds I was on.

Lo and behold she turns to me with the brightest smile and says she's on it too.

She fist bumped me and we moved on to our bellringers assignment like nothing happened.

She talked to me a bit more after that and it did help me participate in class more, knowing that someone else understood, someone popular, who spoke out, who RAN FOR STUDENT GOVERNMENT!!!

I doubt she remembers it now, but I think about it a lot. Thanks, girl.

[haemosexuality]

memories i have of being a child and a lesbian:

-first week of 3rd grade, i walked in class and thought "ok i need to pick a boy to have a crush on this year". i thought that was just what you did. picked one bc i thought he had a cool haircut, proceeded to never have a conversation w him

-thinking "girls are naturally so much prettier than boys. this is common knowledge"

-being really jealous of the Cool Girl in my 4th grade class that was One Of The Boys. she played football with them. she sat really relaxed in chairs. she doesnt care about being pretty. isnt that just so cool? starts consciously trying to imitate her. also, even before that i always made sure to INSIST that my favorite color was blue and i did NOT like pink!!!!

-playing barbies with my cool, older cousin (she mustve been like 11? 12? i was around 8). her barbie was a mess because she had just broken up with her other barbie. i was confused. she explained to me what lesbians were (i knew men could be gay, but not women). immediately after that every single doll i had was a lesbian in a relationship. after figuring that it was probably a bit weird i was so obsessed with making my dolls lesbians, i came to the conclusion i would "probably like girls when i grow up". decided to tell my other, deeply religious cousin about this. she went "WHAT" and i went "HAHA JUST KIDDING IT WAS A JOKE" and never thought about it again

-a year later me and the deeply religious cousin were making ever after high dolls fuck. i was the one that came up w that idea (i also didnt know women could have sex at that point, i thought i had invented lesbian sex) and this haunted me for years bc i thought that that cousin had become homophobic after we grew up. recently found out shes also gay, good for her

-being just Really obsessed with marceline from adventure time for some reason. whenever i saw her on tv my heart would beat really really fast. wonder whats up w that 🤔

-being grounded for like, 5 months when i was 10 because my mom found out i was watching youtube videos from a lesbian couple. and also some videos with sex jokes. i wish i remembered that the lesbians channel was so bad

-i also watched lubatv. hes a brazilian youtuber famous for being openly gay. he introduced me to the concept of shipping, because ppl shipped him with another youtuber, t3ddy. he (plus facebook, and the cool older cousin from before) also introduced me to social activism

-asking permission from my parents to put a rainbow filter on my facebook pfp, in support of gay people. i thought i was such a good straight ally. i dont remember what happened but i think something negative mustve bc a lot of ppl were doing that in 2015. wait fuck now that i think about it that mightve actually been in 2016 because of pulse

- (we are still in 2015 im still 10) watching clips from Steven Universe Season 1 Episode 53 Jailbreak on youtube. they were (badly) subtitled bc i didnt speak english yet. i was absolutely shocked and could not believe they would show two girls kissing in a childrens cartoons, not bc i thought that was bad but bc i was like. would cartoon network really allow this??? i proceed to memorize the entire episode (again i didnt even speak english. and i watched it so many times i memorized it anyways lmao)

-being 11, and having my friend introduce to me this cool new thing she had found online, "fanfics". she linked me a college au fanfic of marceline and bubblegum from adventure time. it had a fade to black implied sex scene. i was hypnotized

-i was a very anxious child and every morning before getting to school i would prepare step-by-step what i would do when entering class. one day my internal monologue went "walk in, say good morning to teacher, kiss [previously mentioned girl best friend] on the mouth, say hello to- wait. where did that come from". start wondering if i was really Just A Really Good Straight Ally

-few days later, me and my friend group were discussing gay people. one of them asked "like i wonder if any of us are gonna be gay?". i thought for about 2.5 seconds and said "i think im bi", being the first one on my class to come out. they were all p chill ab it. i am not bi but its the thought that counts

-cutting off 30 inches of my really long hair and shaving one side at 11. my dad was mad at me for a week and he told me "i dont understand why you did this. you're looking like a dyke". originally i had planned to cut all of it really short "boy style" but the hairstylist insisted on at the very least letting half of it be longer. i did think half shaved hair was Cool so i was fine with that

[selchwife]

honestly sometimes i wonder if im not exclusively or near-exclusively attracted to Guys Who Are Not Real. ever since i was a kid my only really intense passionate crushes etc have been on fictional characters, but with the benefit of hindsight i think a big problem with feeling that way in real life was that i was still closeted in terms of being trans and had to figure that out, so for guys who i mightve had mutual interest in growing up it was typically ruined by the fact that they saw me as a girl and were straight.

idk if i'd think of starting an irl relationship as incompatible with my current relationships now (i used to before i started rethinking the whole No Poly Allowed thing) but i'm not really interested in it. but it's hard to say if that's bc i'm near-exclusively ficto or if it's for life reasons or whatever else. could be a lot of bits from a lot of columns honestly.

i guess my main worry is that if i WAS near-exclusively ficto i would be concerned that it would make my being gay less "legitimate," but functionally that's no different than my being gay and not interested in relationships. you aren't not gay if you're not dating or sexually active so idk why that would change anything, especially bc this is something i keep fairly private anyway

[mejomonster]

So there's this thing called compressed audio of shows, a thing from the immersion language learning community, and it's basically a shows episode audio condensed to just the dialogue. Which means it's both a nice way to practice listening with nonstop words and no dead time while getting to hear a story you already like, it's also a lil way to kinda 'rewatch' stuff you like almost like an audiodrama in how it feels listening.

Well a site had some chinese drama condensed audio and I downloaded ice fantasy, figuring I would like listening to it for practice

And fucking wow did my absolute love for Ying kongshi come back AND HIT ME LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN

And HOW KA SUO IS SUCH A GOOD BROTHER, THEIR DYNAMIC IS SO AKIN TO WHAT YE ZUN AND SHEN WEI MIGHTVE BEEN LIKE HAD THEY GOTTEN A LONGER HAPPY CHILDHOOD TOGETHER, YING KONGSHI WANTS TO PROTECT HIS BROTHER, KA SUO HAS TO PROTECT HIM CAUSE HES THE UNLIKED WIFES NOT DESTINED TO BE KING KID, KA SUO DOESNT WANT TO BE KING HE ADMITS IT TO HIS DIDI AND OH YING KONGSHI WANTS TO HELP HIM SO MUCH

Little YING KONGSHI WHO CANT DO ICE MAGIC

And LI LUO!!!! HOW I MISSED LI LUO!! MY MORTAL KUNLUN ESQUE BADASS GUARDIAN PROTECTING THE WORLD, PROTECTING PRINCE KA SUO, TEACHING HIM LIFE STUFF AS HE SWOONS LIKE WHO THE HELL WOULDNT

THE FIRE PRINCESS, MY BELOVED GIRL. HOW MUCH SHE WANTS TO BE GOOD ENOUGH, TO HELP, TO PROVE SHE CAN. HOW MUCH SHE CARES FOR HER FAMILY DESPITE HOW ROUGH THEY ACT AND HOW MUCH THEY EXPECT

Oh and kongshis mom is the hottest hottie (the pink haired girl from Karamazov Tomorrow) I love her acting on screen, especially as the morally grey to evil unlike wife she is in Ice Fantasy. And fire king is a jerk but... hes also pretty fine, I kinda get it. I get why she ended up getting a little crush

And I haven't even got to the other main characters again yet!

And anyway I heard Ice Fantasy dialogue again and was immediately reminded how much 1 its absolutely pure wish fulfillment for me as far as the political families magical fantasy mixed with mortal reality Dramatics stories I eat up (and that fill much of my own original stories ToT) along with the Key tropes I love most in romance, especially over the top Big Journey Big Stakes Mortals/Immortals Enemy Sides stories. And it also manages to keep me eager for the next episode and more story, which is so hard for me in some cdramas and doubly so in xianxia where I either hate it (a lot of popular ones) or bore easily (the legends had great actors but I couldn't click enough, same with love and destiny) and only once in a great while do I love it to pieces (Love And Redemption, Canglanjue). Ice Fantasy is one of the ones I love to pieces. Not cause it's perfect (whereas the other 2 I really do think are at Minimum 90% phenomenal), but more personally just cause Ice Fantasy hits every angle I personally want a fun dense fantasy story to do.

It has interesting distinct settings that look clearly different from any other fantasy western or Chinese I've seen before (while also being clearly inspired by various influences), while by 2022 standards it looks a bit cheap, it's costume and set designers clearly had a distinct identity they envisioned and succeeded at making it. (In fact canglanjue's costuming and set choices remind me of Ice Fantasy with a mix of western elf fantasy styles with horns and wood and vines and less heavenly/demon/mortal traditional setups but clj is more subtle so it still is partly clearly similar to the traditional xianxia heavenly/demon costuming and sets, just unique within that subset). Ice Fantasy goes fun with it, white haired Ice Immortals, red firey haired Fire Immortals, mermaids with blue streaks, mortals with purple highlights cause he liked purple (it's fantasy so why not let them have fantastical hair!). Ice Fantasy goes why not give armor so fantastical it reminds me of Valkyries armor, of crystal fairy wings and icicles. It has a mortal city of people with dream powers, a lush foliage city with mortal healers, it may not have the budget to look so perfected but it is so distinct and i absolutely love when stories KNOW what they want to be.

It's own fantasy setup ALSO knows what it wants to be, and it's not that heaven/demons/mortal realm set up. It has remnants of that format with Fire Immortals dressed in some ways like dixingren in Guardian, demons in Love and Redemption (and Eternal Love and the list goes on). But like my preferred xianxia, the Fire Immortal kingdom is ultimately just another country in the story, with characters given room to care about and understand. I don't see a soft side of Fire king but he's portrayed honestly a lot like the also Quite Fucking Cruel Ice King. I see the Fire princess and once we see her pov she is going through a LOT that parallels Ka Suo's duties, burdens, fears. (She's also paralleling Ying Kongshi as she isn't in line for the throne the way her brother is, isn't seen as a choice for leadership even when she's trying so hard and IS competent and would be the choice if things were fair). We see her pov and we get moments they aren't just black/white villains (oh unlike say Eternal Love -.-). It's not perfect, cause I'd say Ice Fantasy doesn't have perfect writing (though the character arcs are consistent and I enjoy deeply which is all I give a shit about lol if that were bad I couldn't watch). It meanders into various subplots like a role play between friends or a webnovel going for bulk or an anime filling up many seasons. But they're fun arcs I wanted to see ToT! They're indulgent but I'm happy to be indulged in this particular case. It's definitely a drama that could've been tighter and maybe cut some subplots and sharpened the overall cohesive long plot into something more well arced and structured in pacing. But despite the scattered nature of many short plots forming into a big plot (mm sort of how I write ToT) it does keep itself fast paced so the pacing itself isn't slow (again I only can watch cdramas with good pacing lol). It's just gonna be a Ranma 1/2 or Inuyasha viewing experience plot wise rather than a tight quick paced Death Note one.

And God does it fit so many goddamn tropes I enjoy. Brothers who just want to help each other but complicated family politics make it a battle uphill. Characters who's lives make their desires impossible (I've been there and like seeing those arcs gotten through), political intrigue (I eat it up it's no joke a bulk of my own original writing lol), campy costumes (I personally eat up costume designs like this I'd rather see the spirit of intent than expensive stuff with no Identity unique to itself), dominant women (Li Luo and Fire Princess and Sword Girls my beloved), sweet in love himbos (hi most of the men heros), snarky bitches who are honestly kinda hot (Fire Princess, her bro, and her dad for sure, Kongshi later on), manipulative desperate people and if you hand me an empress/queen pulling the strings to destroy in desperation I am in awe (kongshis mom and the Empress in Secret of the Three Kingdoms both delivered this and oh shocker BOTH are some of my fave shows), Li Luo is my IDEAL heroine romantic lead (she's a Guardian she's a bodyguard she's street smart she's chivalrous and brave and kind and friendly, but she also holds her duty seriously amd recognizes the painful reality of a mortal so close to an Immortal and she in so many ways includes similar things I love about Zhao Yunlan and in a fantasy setting her particular model is SO rare cdrama girl leads but exactly the kind I love - I imagine YouFei I'll one day like for this, and again Secret of the Three Kingdoms gave me widow assassin princess with similar traits in some regards, that show gave me A ton of the girl character types I most crave in historical shows), Ma Tianyu (who's acting I love irrationally) plays an earnest sweetie who wants to help his loved ones and turns into a manipulative lashing out twist of himself (like Ye Zun going bonkers world ending) as a result of that desperation and its a joy to watch (love that explosion - literally he explodes Fire and his bro finds him like if shen wei found ye zun blowing out of the pillar and eating ppl on the way out, but Ka Suo is way more close to Kongshi so he takes his side and helps cover the damage). Again my girl from Tomorrow plays a main grey morality character pushing the political drama along, and I am always hype when I get her acting. It's like... Ice Fantasy gives me the kind of self indulgent fantasy fantastical plethora of stuff i like the way I imagine sailor moon does for someone. It's just thank you thank you I am so thrilled when I finish it I have a sequel! (Which indulges yet ANOTHER thing I eat up, fantasy in mundane modern reality! Incidentally also the bulk of stuff I write).

So yeah obviously. I'm desperately wanting to rewatch Ice Fantasy and finish it now ;-;

[qqueencowboy]

BROOO I SUPPORT THIS AFFF HOMIEEEE

ALR ALR ALR ALR BET BET BET

yea ok so uh

setting the hype aside,,,

larry w a THIQCCQQUE gworl,,,, like shes also really tall like 6’ around there, wears 4+ inch heels often

but is actually like super soft spoken and extremely just like

soft in general

uwu ty

HIIII

SORRY I SEEN THIS JUST THIS MORNING BUT I HAD SCHOOL and i was literally thinking about it all day and was coming up with ideas and giggling to mysled hhehehehe cuz i was imagining me with her NOT GONNA LIE

i have like a whole idea of what she looks like and her style and she is so fine GIGGLING AAA

anywayz thx for being my first request!!!!

ok so

larry is 5'8 as a teenager and 6'1 as an adult, so u guys started dating in highschool and he RLLY LOVED HOW U WAS RLLY TALLER THAN HIM like he just loved it

he really likes that u wear big platforms and that ur not insecure abt ur height

he ALSO loves ur thick :wink::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: like if ur walking infront of him hes like blushing and giggling CUZ SAME

if ur ever insecure abt it hes always the first person u go to cuz hes always ur hypeman abt it

one time travis called u tall and small and he took ZEROOO offence and referred to you both as tall and small

he loves ur stretchmarks ;)))

whenever he notices u got new platforms he always pretend to scuff them

he is NOT ashamed of being shorter than u like at all he actually kind of prefers taller girls

and i think its so good that hes with a taller girl cuz hes used to being taller than everyone else

he isnt ashamed of looking

or you knowing hes looking

his confidence matches his third leg 🤫😲

hes always willing to RAG ur platforms off even if they smell a little from wearing them all day 🥺🥺🥺

once he got that little bit taller than you, u made it a MISSION to wear platforms everyday but you also kinda liked the fact he was now a little taller BUT U STILL WORE THOSE PLATFORMS

cuz domination to men xx

u dom..............TBH

when u guys r cuddling in bed he flops ontop of u likeeeeeAAAAAAAAAAAAAIWEHFOW

if ur sat on the sofa ur thighs r a pillow

if ur a shyer person then hes like ur little guard dog

u give him piggy back rides...... tbh.......

u give him forehead kisses a lot cuz girl if i was wearing platform shoes all day everyday and i was originally 6' i would not be leaning down just to give a MAN the pleasure of feeling MY LIPS ON HIS. (i would tbh just pretend i wouldnt)

one time he tried on ur biggest pair of platforms and he was surprisingly good at walking in them!!!

(until he started running)

he traces ur curves when ur asleep

lisa loves ur whole style and wishes she could pull it off

but mama u could!!!!!!!!!! (call me lisa x)

before u and larry started dating ash kind of had a little crush on u and it was a fight for attentuon between her and larry

ash always said to larry "first to ask her out" so ofc billy bigballs asked u out right there and then

ash was very ego hurt but rlly happy for u two

she mightve cried herself to sleep that night..............

OKKKKKK my brain is fried now exams r drainign BUT i rlly loved this idea and i will be saving myself for a girl of ur description xx

HOPE IT SATISFIES UR NEEDS THANK U!!!!!!!!!!!

[broopitye]

[Rant on why I love Nagisa sm]

Warning: very chaotic !!

So. Nagisa Ran. hes. so hot. I can rant while crying about this fine ahh man for hours and on. Like he was my first love in enstars(along with shino and himeru but I grew love for nagisa more if you get what I mean)

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. every micrometre of this fine ahh speciman is screaming my type and I cant think straight like??? stop being so perfect..???

Ok so. He has long hair. I have a very huge extremely large thing for long hair. Its even white(kind gray but still) long White hair is so attractive and hot!!!!! I always had a thing for this trope, I had a fictional childgood crush on Gin from case closed when I was young and now Im also crushing on Kite from hxh, of course Nagisa was in my radar the moment I saw him and was attracted immediently. His hair is also wavy and kinda fluffy like???? Hello?????? Its so prety???????? I also really love how he looks very sharp and harsh? in appearence but his actually very kind and gentle! And that he has this royalty vibe aswell which also kinda opposes? his gentle nature!!!! I find it so attractive gosh damn

Ahem so uh His red eyes are also so seductive. Like not in like a very seggusal way if yk what I mean but yeah very really pretty and amazing!!!!!!! The shapw of his eyes too.... gosh they are so hot😭😭😭

HIS VOICE TOO!!! His voice is so hot and girl whenever I hear his super attractive deep soft and gentle voice my body automatically reacts with curling toes and twirling hair.... not to mention his change in voice when he sings!!! I dont really know how to describe this but it kinda gets sharper and a bit nore higher pitched. ITS SO HOT. LIKE. HELLO. The way he sings is also so unique and pleasing to listen to!!! If you heard him sing(especially in the beast of end, if you didnt listen to that song yet than pls listen to its so good). I love him so much wth....

So. Now his personality bit. I really dont know where to start on this,,,,,

He is so sweet and is such a gentleman!!! Like, I am a personality person, the personality of someone is what I fall for irl.(for fictional ppl, ot depends(but I do lean towards their personality more tho)) Nagisas personality is what made me love him, how he treats and talks to the producer(not going to specify as 'me' bc it sounds weird to say lmao) is so gentle and nice, he always checks in w the producer and always speak in such a gentle manner like hello...?? And bc his voice is literally so hot as mentioned before, it makes it even more attractive and got me gripping my sheets and biting my lips everytime!! Hes also very mature and calm, which falls perfect for my standards for attraction... Hes the type of guy to respect me and I also can respect him back, can think through straight and is calm with little to no tantrums and everything like that.

(spoiler warning for his backstory!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

his backstories....Gosh damn they were all so sad and depressing, my man didnt get to develop an actual personality and was isolated for so long.. And like then I grew sympathy and got attatched more to his character after it!! His character also has depth and is 2 dimensional like gosh damn.

(Btw I havent read all of his backstories yet! I heard about those war crimes he commited but enstars fandom has a lot of misinfo going on so I dont really know)

So uh yeah I probably have more to say but its 3am and I am losing conciousness rn so yeah

Also I swear I am a sane person with a life though I mightve looked too insane in this rant😰😰

Mr Ran Nagisa is my ultimate ultimate fav in enstars despite that I have like 38 other ppl I love there!!!

(So expect other rants like this in the future)

Anyways conclusion is that I love him a lot!!! Maybe a bit too much actually

[spiribia]

pspspsps if it's ok with you can you talk about nanami maybe. I like hearing you talk also i think about nanami a lot and i vaguely remember you saying one time nanamis egg is what made you believe she was a lesbian and i cannot stop thinking about what the hell you meant

*moves toward you like an inquisitive cat* i’d love to. i dont remember what ive already said on here / what you mightve already heard me say so this might be a little repetitive, but essentially its that nanamis egg touches on feelings of nanami’s that she somehow isnt performing girlhood correctly, the assumption that other girls around her are doing it correctly and that they innately understand it and are able to be it in a way she doesnt, that shes some of kind of “space alien” for not belonging in this, and that if society around her knew her as the anomaly she is they would ostracize her. of course these arent feelings that are exclusive to the gay experience, and it could encompass other things, but what makes that more of a viable specific possibility in my mind (it wasnt my original headcanon, but this is the episode where i went “ohh, i can see why people would think that now”) is the bit of the episode where, because of a misunderstanding, touga thinks nanami has just told him she likes girls. he launches into this whole speech on how that goes against the natural order and gods plan & he reinforces the heteronormative structure. nanami denies thats what she meant and then asks him “What would you think of a girl who lays eggs?”, and he says, “Nanami... Do you know why we’ve been able to live together so happily? It’s because you aren’t the type of girl that lays eggs.”

theres this overarching theme in rgu that biological family is this source of unconditional love regardless of one’s own personal merit - you dont have to work to deserve it: it’s encoded there immutably, maybe genetically (at least what the characters believe). for these teenagers that feel like they have to prove themselves through performance because they feel they couldn’t earn it otherwise as just who they are (low self esteem), this is a big deal -- if, because youre you, you can never earn anyone elses love, at least youll always, for sure, have this source of connection. but this comment shakes nanami up badly because this is an indication from touga that it’s possible for him to simply STOP loving her for something she inherently is that she can’t even control, that it’s possible his love could be conditional. you could associate that with the immediate previous misunderstanding they had, that he momentarily thought nanami was saying she was gay. 

the idea that you lay eggs and other girls don’t, or that other girls do and do it better than you, is that there’s this fixed quality of you that is not enough of what the other girls just are. that because of that you’ll always have to be consciously performing and conforming to mask a lack of something they all just have. & that the way they are is the only acceptable way to be, according to this society at least. in any sense it’s this notion of conformity, standards of gender, etc. in general, maybe.

just as a bonus, im not sure yet if i subscribe to the headcanon that nanami had a crush on utena, but to me itd just be super funny. this is also from this episode:

[doyouremem8erme]

M, A, R, C, Y, W, U

Sorry, had to break the rules properly

M - Milkshake flavour?

vanilla + like 3 lactaids immediately before or i cry

A - Available?

sure ig . already have 2 partners and maybe a qpp i need to ask again lmao . so h idk it depends on the person ofc.

R - Reason to smile?

answered!!! those who make me Gay (anne + kai)

C - Crushing on?

am i allowed to say "my girlfriends"? ok so. had a crush on the girl i sit by in chemistry for a bit... big strong lesbian arms...... likes maps and spreadsheets...... fck i hope she doesnt stalk my tumblr. hope that those feelings died........ also the pretty girl i sit by in history came to school with her hair cut short the other day and HOLY CRAP

Y - Your last time you cried?

mightve cried while writing that fic last night. oh wait no i cried from pain earlier for a bit lol. and night before last i cried while reading unwind lollll

W - Which celebrity i’d marry?

i dont know enough celebrities lmao . rip . i think my faceblindness keeps me from caring about celebreties shdjgfhsdjkfs

U - Umbrella colour?

ive had this one thats clear w pink blue and green raindrops on it forever and ohhhh thats sashannarcy colors its always them.

[sharkb0yinthewat3r]

What was coming out like for you?

For years I was closeted and i really didn’t want to do it. I go back and forth between whether or not I thought it was unnecessary or I told myself it was unnecessary so I wouldn’t have to do it. It was probably a little bit of both.

I knew for a while that at the very least my mom knew since she was the only one dropping hints. But if she did so did everybody else. After I was like truly accepting of myself, I really did buy into the narrative that i didn’t need to do it. On one hand I felt like everyone in my family already knew so there was no need to inform them, there was no need to bring it up out of nowhere unprompted, and it’s just ridiculous that that’s something anyone has to do. I’m more than my sexuality and straight people don’t have to come out.

Anyway this ended up being a really long post feel free to read all of it, but the main takeaway is that coming out was scary. Even when I knew nothing big was going to come of it, there’s just like this anxiety I had and I think it’s normal. Im lucky to live a life where I can be myself freely without having to be concerned about repercussions. I would say me coming out to my friends/just not hiding who I was from them was a great experience. My cousins were so great. My mom and my sister, I guess I wish that those had gone better which is crazy to me because they had known the longest and had so long to prepare and just didn’t have ideal reactions (far from awful but it was kinda just like uhhh ok?) and then my dads is probably my favorite bc that’s how it should be for everyone. It was ultimately very freeing for me but it was also like very uncomfortable for me.

My coming out happened in 4 phases:

1. College freshman year: i was struggling with my sexuality after I got my first crush and wasn’t sure whether or not people would accept me and eventually I told one friend that I lived with and he never treated me differently, I think I told three other friends that were girls, but overall it was extremely difficult to communicate for me. I would say that this was a time in which I was still closeted.

2. I now work on accepting myself and don’t really talk about it with people unless it comes up for the next three years. I’m now in my fourth year of college and join an org where I’m placed on a committee that’s essentially 60% gay males 40% straight males (and girls). My goal when joining was just to be open and let people get to know me. I was still middle ish of the road and sorta wanted to be perceived as straight. I think people just kind of started to assume I was gay and it was like “oh I don’t have to think about telling anyone anything or acting a certain way. I can just be myself” and I kinda just let loose and as we started hanging out and going to parties together I was able to open up and be myself judgement free and it was just so much fun and that’s when I like TRULY accepted myself and I was like life should be like this all the time. I can’t believe I haven’t been doing this. This was more of like a me coming out to myself than anything else and showing myself how enjoyable life can be when you don’t bottle yourself up.

3. Same year (after my first semester) Even though I was very open with my friends at school, this was my first time home for a ‘long break’ and I wasn’t as open with my family. Me and my two female cousins went out for a day together in the city and then ended up at a bar where they were talking about the kind of guys they were into and my one cousin mentions that she’s into older guys and I didn’t say anything and then our other cousin went to the bathroom and I was like btw I’m gay and I only wanted to preface that bc when u said u were into older guys I was like legit same I know exactly what you mean. My other cousin came back from the bathroom and then we laughed about it, but they were the sweetest and most supportive I could’ve wanted. I don’t think I’d ever felt as close with them as I did in that moment. They asked if anyone else knew and I was like well my friends but that’s it and they said they wouldn’t tell anyone and I thanked them.

A few nights later I met my sister out at a bar for her birthday in the city. I was hanging out with her friends (who I knew just not on a real personal level) because she was dancing and making out with some guy. This is actually kinda funny. It was winter and the bar was hot so I tied my jacket around my waist (as I often do bc that’s just typically part of my look, kinda like a staple of mine tbh) and her friend is like “ryán why are you wearing that around your waist, go put it in the coat check” and I was like no thanks like I really don’t mind having it on my waist, I like the way it looks and I honestly don’t wanna pay and she’s like “you have to check it, any girl who walks in here and sees a guy with a jacket around his waist will not want to get with him” and I looked at her and laughed and was like “lol ok well that’s fine because I’m into guys anyway” and she was taken aback like “OH” and I was like lol r u surprised and she was like well your sister just never told me that and I said well idk why she would, like for one I’m not sure why that would be a topic of discussion between the two of you and for two I haven’t told her anyway. She and my sisters other gay friend practically forced me to tell her the entire night and I was like um ok. And then my sister got mad at me for telling them before her and made it all about herself and I was drunk crying running to the bathroom lol and she followed it up with SO MANY questions and was like you gotta tell mom and dad we talk about it all the time. And I was like 1. No I don’t, if they wanna know they can ask me I don’t care 2. That’s kinda fucked up that you guys talk about me and my sexuality all the time behind my back?? 3. If you just said u all know why do I have to tell you. There isn’t really more to the story there, it was her telling me to and me saying no.

4. It is the 2019th summer. Id thought many times about telling my parents I wanted to go to pride and just like ended up saying nothing. Fact of the matter was that I wasn’t proud and honestly even if I wanted to go I didn’t know who I’d go with. My parents are VERY religious and when I was younger I had heard my mom express worry about a girls mother after the girl had come out as a lesbian l o l. Years go by and my mom got me a pamphlet for the lgbt center mixed in with a bunch of other papers when I moved in my freshman dorm, said a lot of encouraging things to me like telling me “you can date anyone you want” and asking me about my love life (this kind of stuff happened between stages 1 and 2). Nothing was explicitly said but I think we both silently acknowledged it. She even asked about one of my gay friends bc I think she thought we mightve been dating (between stage 3 and 4) which we were not and never have hooked up or anything. Honestly I knew they’d be supportive and I knew they weren’t going to kick me out, I just didn’t know how they’d honestly and truly take it. And by the time that I didn’t give a fuck about how anybody “took” the “news” I was aware that they knew and subscribed to all the beliefs that I listed above. If they wanted to know so desperately they could ask me. At this point I wasn’t even trying to hide it. A guy kinda fucked me over right before school was over and I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking how I was and why I sounded meh and I just told her guys suck without trying to get into it. Anyhow picture this, straight pride has just been confirmed for August 2019. Gays are distressed everywhere. Can we not have one thing??? I share a post to my insta story stating something along the lines of “straight pride isn’t necessary and you should be happy you don’t need it. LGBT people need pride because we still don’t have equal rights and people get killed every day for being a part of this community and people get kicked out of their homes for loving someone, etc.” and I guess my mom saw it and was like that was an interesting post on your instagram and I was like lol ok thanks. (She had thought I didn’t think I was safe in my own home and that’s why I wasn’t coming out) And she’s like is there something you want to tell me? And I say is there something you want me to tell you? And she says only if you want to. And I say “what mom do you want me to tell you I’m gay? Like it’s not a secret. I know you know and everybody else knows.” We went on a walk and she said some highly questionable microaggressions but meant with overall support. At this point though like I already accepted myself so I could just roll my eyes and be like lol whatever you don’t get it.

Then my dad comes back and she calls him to the kitchen and is like I think you should tell him now. And i was like gurl what? This is so out of nowhere and so ridiculous. You’re really going to do this after we just had an hourlong discussion on why I didn’t feel the need to come out. And my dad comes in and is like what’s up and I say hey just so you know I’m gay, ok? And he says ok.

[fotiathymos]

do you have trans hcs for any other characters in promare? :0

I do! under cut cause im a TALKER whoops.

uhhh trigger warning that i do talk a bit about transphobia and unsupportive family.

I realize in my last post I didn’t mention it but Gueira and Meis aren’t cis! 

Gueira was born intersex and doesn’t agree to calling himself cis or trans. He is proud to be intersex. (do know this is a fictional character and not all real life people who are intersex agree or disagree with calling themselves cis or trans.)

Gueira uses he/him pronouns but doesn’t strictly dress masculine. Really just a comfy clothes wearer. 

Meis is trans genderfluid. Mostly uses they/them pronouns and has girl days or boy days sometimes where they can be more okay with she/her or he/him. Just leans into a mix usually. Actually doesn’t like being called Gueira’s boyfriend and rather ‘partner’. Gueira says it like a cowboy usually to make Meis giggle.

I do enjoy Ignis being an trans elder. (He is like 55 in my mind not 40 as i think canon states?) Ignis knew Galo was trans upon entering the job but of course did not out Galo to everyone. Galo isn’t secretive about being trans though. When Galo finds out Ignis is trans he cries happy tears and hugs him, making Ignis just a lil uncomfortable but not rejecting the hug.. hes got a reputation Galo.

I always had it in my head that Galo joined Burning Rescue and challenged all their thoughts on gender and etc. Considering they all grew up in a strict propaganda filled city some of them mightve just heard of terms but not thought about it too hard for..reasons. But then Galo comes into the work place being the ‘queer kid’ and wouldn’t take any bullshit. He grew up mostly by themself, discovered things on his own and does still feel that outward pressure to conform (esp with Kray, Galo is the most ‘passing as cis’ as he can be around Kray most times). So I thought mostly about everyone in BR were cis, not all of them straight but cis...bbuuutttt

Galo makes everyone question their thoughts on gender cause Galo is so open about his own and loves helping others. Galo does ‘mask’ themself sometimes and at first joining didn’t go full blown open. But one day Lucia needs a tampon and Galo had one in his bag and Lucia is like ‘um what?’ Galo goes casual and just ‘oh yeah.. i don’t need them anymore but its become habit to carry it around yaknow and you never know when it could come in handy!’

Lucia is the first to question if its okay to be non-binary lesbian, like maybe shes not entirely strictly ‘girl’. She’s loud and proud about being gay, lesbian flag above her desk, talks bout going to lesbian bars and wanting to just hold a girls hand. So she’s the first to feel okay enough to question herself gender wise.

Varys is that guy you might know in life who is just chill about everything. Galo comes out to Varys casually one day and Varys doesn’t linger on it at all. “Trans? Hell yeah! We still going out for bbq? Double hell yeah!” But he’s also a guy you never know whats going on in their head. He just remembers weirdly specific things you say sometimes and comes back at you with them later. Galo mentioned briefly that sunflowers remind him of his mother. Varys mails Galo sunflowers when Galo takes the day off on his mothers bday. Varys also randomly texts Galo ‘hey you know how youre trans, can i be like not always a man?’ 

Remi............................reMI UH. Remi is weird in my head. I feel hes that guy who just makes everything into a TMI or sex joke or just awkwardly flirts with everyone he becomes friendly with. Like just pushes the boundaries cause he thinks were friends now i can do this, without realizing hes over stepped them. That guy who thinks just cause your his friend now we can talk about sex casually. Hes quick to apologize when told off but still. I’m horrible I feel like Remi is that guy who’d consider him getting pegged by his girlfriend means he’s in with the lgbt crowd. He’s cis and comfortable with that and is confused by non-binary identities but won’t insult his coworkers and respect them. Eventually he’ll learn that just cause you are over 18 now, not everything in the world is related to sex. Idk if that made sense or if I threw him under the die-cis-scum buss too hard.

AND THEN THERE IS AINA.

Who... I adore. And even my head canons for her contrast and complement Galo like her story/character in the movie. So....shes trans.

We don’t get info about her family life but I’m assuming her sister raised her by herself and the parents weren’t in the picture. Aina came out to her sister right out of high school. Heris was starting college and working to provide for her and Aina. She flipped out on her and her words were ‘i dont care if youre a girl or a boy but those hormones can be pricey we dont have insurance you cant get surgery your too young, etc etc’ Unsupported in misreading the situation as an inconvenience to money and life and not the actuality of Aina just being herself and wanting to be honest about it. 

Aina gets ignored as her sisters career and life revolves around a sudden job with the Foundation. But Heris has money now. And is “supportive” in giving Aina money. Pays for her HRT, doctor visits, therapy, and then eventually training to be in Burning Rescue. And Heris is adamant that Aina never, EVER tells anyone she’s trans. Sweeps up any possible info about that under the rug. Doesn’t want to be looked at with a bad eye from Foresight. What Heris feels is a safety measure for her family is what Aina sees as shame. Kinda reflecting how Heris in the movie sees that shes doing ‘all this for you, Aina’ only for it to be cruel and harmful directly to Aina.

Aina doesn’t know what drew her to Galo. He’s cute and nice and friendly. Maybe it’s a crush? He understands me and no one ever did. He respects me for me. “Youre you Aina and theres nothing wrong with that.” (I forget the exact quote) The words play in her head for the longest time. She never came out to Burning Rescue for fear, cause Heris said not to, cause its ‘inconvenient’. And suddenly Galo is loud and proud about being trans??? Should she be too?? 

Eventually she confides in Galo. Probably after the Parnassus events. She realizes she doesn’t have a crush and was just not use to someone being nice to her and accepting her. She eventually tells the rest of Burning Rescue. Finds out Ignis knew all along due to paperwork but just once again, Captain isn’t gonna out his team member. 

And then finally during a late night movie sleepover. Galo’s like ‘you know we should hang the trans and non binary flag on the front of the station.’ Lucia goes ‘YEAH a big FUCK YOU to the Foundations normies!!!!’ Aina says ‘we should really run that past Captain first...’ Finally Ignis walks in, tilts down his sunglasses and says ‘I planned for this’ and unveils a flag that just says ‘fight the cis-tem’ and Galo and Lucia SCREAM. Only Galo knew Ignis was trans til that point..

I made a STORY damn.

I hope that wasn’t... too much... thank for reading.... ;u;/

[malandi]

I had a dream i was dating the hottest girl i know (like very conventionally attractive, belongs on tv / runways hot) and we were both acting like ourselves, nothing too weird. Im a lucid dreamer and i can usually tell when im dreaming but this one felt real. And we werr very sweet together.

although i dont like her right now i mightve gotten a crush on her if we stayed connected. Shes very intelligent, kind and outspoken. We dont talk anymore except at reunions because we went to different colleges. im kinda thinking ifffff i should chat her again? People are used to me, im very blunt and i dont get awkward (blame my autism), so if i chat her out of nowhere I HAD A DREAM WE WERE DATING IT WAS GREAT! shed chalk that down as typical me behavior. she IS bi and very knowledgeable on gender issues and politics, i dont think id be harmed by her. I think shes single because if shes dating someone everyone from high school would've been talkimg about it -_- disrespectful yes i know. Ive dealt with that a lot before so i can understand her a bit

That dream i had was so convincing it has me introspecting like this 😭😭😭 she used to be very sweet to me before. She comes off as intimidating to others but its like a preventive measure. Because misogyny doesnt allow her to be pretty in peace. But she was always kind to me even when i was unintentionally rude (adhd/autism kids know what im talking about) and she protected me from boys. but i guess i just didnt see her like that. Now im seeing it thoo

[permetscore]

After finishing the Bloom into you anime and getting into the manga, I‘d like to start reading more other manga, especially Girl‘s Love, but with certain popular stuff being rather fetishistic (eg. Citrus) I wanted to know if you had any recs for any actual good GL manga? Bonus points if there is more plot than just „its a high school romance between girls“ (like I love BIY, but that semi-plotless highschool romance most romance manga seem to have going on gets boring quite fast)

OH IM GLAD YOU LIKED BLOOM INTO YOU its definitely one of my favorite more popular series lately!

ok so i have good and bad news for you. the good news: the vast majority of yuri is not fetishy and is in fact very very sweet and soft. bloom into you weirded me out at first by comparison to most yuri, if that tells you anything

the bad news: plot is uh... not gonna be easy to come by lmao. most yuri is either high-school romance or adult-office-lady romance with very limited Plot beyond the emotional dance of romance. the series i like that tend more towards plot are largely going to have less of a yuri focus as well, as a result. 

before i get into specific recs, the main place you wanna read yuri manga is dynasty reader. theres a LOT of evil shit on here (mostly doujinshi - in my experience original manga tends to be better) but what i like most about dynasty is everything’s properly tagged. that makes it MUCH easier to avoid anything too evil! just be sure to always check tags before clicking on something

now for some specific recs. first, since there’s less of them, one’s with plot:

revolutionary girl utena: the classic, so classic you mightve already seen it. i’d recommend the anime over the manga, although i’ve heard the manga’s like, fine. about a girl, utena, who aspires to be a prince, and through a series of bizarre after-school duels, becomes engaged to the “rose bride” - whatever that means. the lesbian romance is integral to the narrative, technically, but its nowhere near as overt as i expected when going in. if you want onscreen kissing, you’ll need to watch the bizarre spinoff movie which is good but, bizarre, and a very different retelling in a lot of ways. also be sure to read a full trigger guide for this series if you need - it deals with a lot of abuse. 

shoujo kageki revue starlight: no one fucking listens to me so no one has watched this but its incredible. uses a lot of the same themes as utena, but in a more... explicitly magical girl way, i suppose. i kind of describe it as “utena & pmmm for the faint of heart”. lots of duels and singing shenanigans, with a lot of heart. don’t be fooled by the typical moe designs, i was pleasantly surprised by how unsexualized this series was. my only downside is i think its purposefully vague about being ACTUALLY gay. all the girls are paired off, and like, its pretty obvious but... if youre really tired of baiting, this show might be a bit much for you

a lifeform in puberty - vega: one of the few sci-fi yuri i’ve been able to find and really enjoyed. there’s two chapters, but imo its best read as a one-shot unless more chapters get scanlated soon. about an alien defender and her crush!

qualia the purple: another sci fi yuri, this one’s uh.... it’s a lot. falls into the weird niche of manga from the 2000s that focused a lot on deconstructing difficult philosophical concepts. i CANNOT stress enough that this requires a lot of trigger warnings. child abuse, graphic violence, body horror, etc. the main character becomes largely unsympathetic after a point, but i was so fascinated i had to keep reading. again, the yuri is minimal, but is the driving force behind.... everything the fuck else this series does. 

after hours: this series has been licensed by viz so you cant find it like anywhere online, but its available in most book retailers. its 3 volumes, and its about 2 young women putting on a... rave essentially. the older of the two is an experienced DJ and brings the other under her wing as a VJ, its fun. not AS plot heavy as the others, but it has an explicit goal outside of the romance, so i guess that makes it count?? anyway this one’s a huge favorite of mine. 

those are the main plot intensive off the top of my head? now heres some other just, big faves:

lonely wolf lonely sheep: short but wonderful! this one deals with themes of self harm and homophobic abuse from friends, but ends well

kase-san and its ongoing sequel yamada to kase-san: sweet gardener girl falls in love with the track star - and she falls in love back. high school romance with its typical tropes, but its so wonderful its worth it. the second series is about them in college! i’d also highly recommend the OVA that came out for it last year - it covers most of the major plot points of the first series

still sick: my favorite series currently being released! about two office coworkers, one of which is very into writing yuri doujinshi, and the other is... i’ll let you find out. beyond the romance it’s about art block and letting yourself create honestly and earnestly. it’s really really lovely and i’m looking forward to more!

cirque arachne: about two circus performers. short but sweet, and beautiful art!

and i could. recommend a lot more but i hope that gives you a good start!

[copingthot]

i remember when i was 15 or 16 i was outside with a girl i knew who lived in my neighborhood. it was maybe august. the sun had set & it was still a lil warm out. we were talking abt our futures. there was a mutual feeling of uncertainty. it felt somewhat magical tho. i remember looking at the sky and wishing i could see more stars, so the moment would feel more poetic. i never considered having a crush on her at the time bc i was convinced i had a crush on some boy at school. but its a moment i think abt sometimes. i figured thats what friendships felt like. having a crush on the lonely girl in my neighborhood w the deep voice and the unbrushed hair didnt seem plausible. i just rly cared about my friend. i thought, if only i were a boy, or i knew a boy good enough for her, so shed feel the love she deserved. we talked abt how finding husbands seemed unlikely and i felt so ready to prove to her that shes just fine without some stupid boy. i knew it wouldnt help much tho. we were both a bit bummed about being unnoticed by guys. if things went differently i mightve kissed her

[dumbbitchfrommars]

pray for me tomorrow that i dont make a mistake. i have a lot of friends that arent quite friends yet going to this party and if i fuck up and kiss the wrong person ill ruin them... i literally dont know what to do. i have to be myself but me being myself is rightfully UNHINGED. and i like my sweet little libra but hes also risky, and i cant take anymore risks with guys, you know? what if hes a massive dork loser? well, he is. hes incredible and funny and charismatic and sweet, but he is yet another inexperienced boy. ugh. but i like him. okay, how about this? no expectations and no self control. ill just be myself and go with the flow but be CAREFUL and responsible and mature and remember all the lessons ive learnt in the last few years of being a dumb single brown girl living in white people world. just dont get yourself into a messy beard situation. cause he’s def at least bisexual and in massive denial. but one things a relief, im finally crushing on a brown boy! and hes an actual brown boy this time. my lord, i was doing a mini stalk (on a completely different note) of my summer fling from melb, just to make sure theres no mild chance i run into him on my next trip to see my sis, right? well, i had to look through our old texts before i realised i could stalk the girlfriend instead, and in my quick scroll i was forced to face how pathetic and just... sad this guy was. like what grown man says “pwetty pwease”? like can you be more childish? that sounds a bit rich but there was so much more than that. its giving anime child with no idea how to treat a woman. WHICH ENDED UP BEING TRUE, BIG SURPRISE! anyway if you were curious, the beach they went to in the summer is pretty close but i cant rly gauge much from that info, they mightve made the trip to a far beach for an event or smth, i have no idea if he lives near there, plus why would he even be near me anyway? so im safe for now. in fact, if he were to pop up, i wouldnt have anything to worry about. hes probably too pussy to even say hi or acknowledge me, the sour bitch. hahahahahhahahaha. 

[thatwasntlikeridingabikeuasshole]

im panicking send help ahhh

so last spring i was out with my best friends and my brother and we were playing truth or dare and my friends truthed me into telling my brother about my crush, who they already knew abt. i make a habit of not telling anyone in my family ever if i have a crush. like my brother doesnt get it because he had a lot of crushes when he was really little and told everyone in our family so if he told them he had a crush then it wouldnt be the first time i mean the first serious time maybe but not the first. it would be the first for me if my family found out. so anyway when we were at the cafe that day he kept threatening to call our mom because he thought she should know and was convinced that this was a bad secret like he acted like i was doing drugs or something that she would actually have any business knowing. my friends and i tried to convince him not to but he called her. he said he wanted to tell her a secret about me that i just told him and she said she would ground him if he told her bc she trusts me and she trusts that i wont have any secrets that are bad things like drugs or smthn. but anyway so he didnt say anything cuz he didnt wanna lose his phone and his laptop and stuff but he kept trying to convince her and stuff to let him tell her. and she finally made him give his phone to me and i told her that it wasnt anything bad and it was a small thing and nothing she needed to know and she believed me and convinced him with my and my friends help not to tell her. so she came a bit later to pick him up cuz we were all kinda mad at him and it was time for him to go home. so we stayed for a little longer and i was kinda panicking and shaky and stuff idk bc like ik it doesnt matter that much but i dont have like any other secrets so it kind of seems like more of a big deal than if it was just like the lesser of all my deep dark secrets. 

anyway so fast forward to this one weekend towards the end of summer, we were staying at my step grandmothers house and she has these two grandnephews who r our ages (im 14 and my brothers 11) and she also has a pool. so we were hanging out in the pool with her grandnephews and my brother was kicking me and kind of being an asshole and stuff, maybe to try to impress them, idk. but they were totally on my side and they were like trying to get him to stop but then they were like wait u must have some dirt on him from when he was little or smthn right? that he wouldnt want us to know abt? and so i remembered his crushes as a little kid and they were all from shows on like teen nick or disney channel so they would know who they were prob, so i was all like “REMEMBER HOW U LIKED MAYA FROM GIRL MEETS WORLD YEAH” and they were laughing. but he didnt stop kicking me to shut me up instead he was just like “YEAH BUT REMEMBER HOW U LIKED (guys name) HAHAHAHA” and it was cool with the other two bc they just looked at me and were all like LIAM OMG I KNOW HIM YEAH TOTALLY IM TOTALLY GONNA TELL HIM U LIKE HIM LOL I CAN DEF JUDGE U FOR LIKING HIM CUZ I KNOW HIM HAHAHAHA (they live in a different state than us, never met liam in their lives). so that was fine but my step grandmother was sitting by the pool talking to their parents and she couldve easily heard him and i panicked cuz i thought they she was gonna tell my mom. but no. i dont think she did. 

so the rule is simple right dont bring up his old crushes anymore except no. we were just sitting in my room upstairs and my dad was cooking downstairs but the kitchen is right at the bottom of the stairs so its really easy to hear between the rooms, like i could hear him moving around and stuff. and my brother all the sudden starts talking abt how i like the guy and being really loud as he often is and i just know my dad mightve heard it and i legit dont wanna go downstairs rn and whenever he says he wants to talk to me abt smthn which is always just an innocent like “hear abt this new piece of art i got” or sum shit ill be super nervous that hes gonna make fun of me for liking the guy so plz send good vibes thx

[sweatmaster3000]

Change

I did something pretty dumb yesterday. I decided to go through all of my texts with my ex. I went through all of them slowly seeing how our friendship started and how our relationship ended. Our friendship started because he was my sisters work best friend. Its funny cuz she told me she knew i would like this guy she worked with and i was like nah. But in my head i was like duh i crush on everyone. When i finally met him it was a few days into working, he showed up early for work so it was me him and my manager. I remember thinking “oh he is cute”, but also telling myself “oh he looks like a cholo”. When i finally seen my sister i had to deflect so i just told her “dude hes so short”. We laughed a bit and moved on.

Slowly we started working together so we started talking more and more. Which for me is easy cuz i can talk for days. After a few month we got a new girl which was around the time Him and my sister started hanging out more and i remember being slightly jealous cuz i also wanted to be a part of that group. I dont remember how or why it happened but i remember joking with him about going on a date. He said ok so we started texting from there. We never did end up going cuz it was supposed to be a group thing and the other two bailed. Slowly me and him started talking more and i became a part of the group. We would all go out and just hang at the park or beach.

Around that time my sister relationship was really rocky so she started hanging out with her Bestfriend more often. They would go to random places to eat, they went to vegas spent an night there and came back, and for her late birthday present he took her to disneyland. I was so jealous i wished i could be his best friend. I remember me and my sister used to joke an say we felt bad for the girl who ended up with him cuz he was a horrible texter and no girl was going to like that. We said we felt sorry for the girl cuz he wasnt really good with presents or even sarcasm.

Eventually my sister broke up with her boyfriend and started dating a new co worker. Things changed when that happened. Suddenly she wasnt a part of our group any more. She wouldnt hang out with us and she defenitely wouldnt hang out with her bestfriend anymore. She would rarely text him or even us anymore. We used to always be at her house or out at a park/beach. I could tell he was hurt so i tried being there for him and distracting him. Around this time we had already started getting closer. We went to the park a few times by ourselves and on one occasion when my family had all gone to tj, he picked me up after work and we stayed out all night until the sun began to rise again.

Eventually we started having inside jokes and i started looking foward to seeing him at work especially if it was just the two of us. We realized we would banter a lot and people said we looked like a married couple. One day we were fighting and he went to the candy isle bought a ring pop and gave it to me. I jokingly told him “ escuse me you have to put it on”. We laughed and he did just that. After a while this customer that he called his Beer Wife came in and he started joking with her and they introduced me. I started joking back and i remember telling her “well i got the ring”. She was a nice lady and she returned a few jokes back. After that it cemented the whole “ youre a married couple joke”.

Eventually the hanging out became mostly just me and him and i started opening up to him and vice versa. He would constantly pick me up from work and we would hang out at the store. He would hit me up late at night with a “Foody Call” asking if i wanted to go get food. I always said yes, i loved spending time with him regardless of if it was just the two of us or the rest of the group. He helped me through the drifting of my Female best friend and the loss of a guy friend who just used me for sex. I confided everything in him. Without realizing it we became best friends. He would look for me and ask to hang out and i would ask him to go to places with me so we could get out and explore.

There was a shift in the friendship things became more playfull and flirty but i continued to push away my feelings for him. The crush became more and i craved his affection, but i never said a word or tried to make a move. I was scared of things ending like with all the other boys. So we continued just being friends hanging out at least four times a week seeing each other almost every day at work and if we didnt then we would send a few texts here an there. It got to the point where i would stop by thw store on my way home from my first job just to see him and possibly hang out after work. This routine continued for month before it finally started to move a bit.

After he got a second job his scheule changed so i wouldnt really see him as much unless he picked me up or he was going in as i was leaving. There was one occasion where i covered his shift and another where i had to stay later because he was runnig late at the other job. I told him he owed me donuts since he worked across the street from Krispy Kreme. He said he would get them the day he was running late and i said fine. When he showed up he realized he forgot the donuts so we agreed to go when he was out. I was a little let down at first but overjoyed that i was gunna hang out alone with him again.

Since it was late when he got out We got the donuts through the drive thru and parked in the lot to eat them. We talked a bit as we ate and then after words we dtarted play fighting again. I poked his side knowing that was his weakness and then finally after months he tried tickling me. He realized i was extremely ticklish and would not relent. He kept pulling me towards him and i kept fighting it scared of what it meant. We ended up face to face a few times and i pulled away scared that i was just imagining things. After a while we both knocked out. I woke up about an hour later and i was cuddled up to him. I woke him up and he dropped me off at home.

The next day at work it was just the two of us again. We were joking around like always and we had agreed to go to the beach after work with my sister and her boyfriend. Like usual i was playing with his phone trying to change his screensaver when a text came in and i accidentally pushed it. It was from a girl who had asked to hang out with him and he had agreed. I remember getting this nasty feeling in my stomach, and gettinf insanely jealous. I put doen the phone and tried workig again to distract myself, but he noticed something was up. He kept asking and i continued telling him i was fine. He wouldnt let it go. I decided to go home and get his sweater on my lunch cuz i knew he wouldnt hit the cooler without it.

I told my sister and her BF that i fucked up and i couldnt hide my feelings anymore. They told me to tell him the truth. One was certain he felt the same way and the other wasnt sure because overall he was a friendly person. I decided to keep it in and live with it. When i got back to work he wouldnt stop pestering me about my change in mood. I told him it was just my depression acting up and he told me he knew that couldnt be it. He stil wasnt 100% sure what was wrong though. We had alreay agreed to go out with my sister and her BF an he still wanted to go so i pushed aside my fear and went along.

We were in the back seat of the car and i remember it was cold out so like always i cuddled his arm. I slowly started drifting off and i could feel my arm sliding down but didnt think much of it. When i awoke we were by the beach and my hand was closed in a loose fist and his was covering it. I said nothing and we both got out the car. While at the beach my siater and he BF left us so it was just me and him laughing on the bench. At some point i jokingly sat on his lap. I realized it mightve been to much so i got off and we continued with the tickling. We decided to go on the swings and we were holding each other pushing each other side to side. My sister returned and we all continued on the swing for a bit until they decided to call it a night.

As we were walking back up to the car he started playing with me again and we ended up far behind our friends. He continued tickling me and we once again ended up face to face. I looked down and just hugged him still scared of admiting the truth. Once up the hill and back in the car i cuddled up to him again only this time we actually held hands. Still though nothing was said. Once we got back to the store me and him decided to stay back with the overnight guy so they could smoke. I stayed unsure of what i was going to stay. Clearly i hadnt been imagining the tension or the flirtation. So maybe i should finally take a chance.

It took me a while but i finally told him. “I fucked up”. I told him i seen the text and that i got jealous. He stood quite for a moment and i asked him if he inderstood what i was telling him. He said “ Yes you like me” i was certain he was going to tell me he didnt feel the same way. Instead he said “I know” i just stood there and asked him “how”. He said “i noticed something changed in you and in us, but i didnt want to say something, until you realized or it went away”. I just stood there realizing he knew me too well and knowing he had my best interest at heart. He knew it was normally me who pushed the guys away when things got serious so he stayed quite so as to not scare me away. He hid his feelings for almost a year the same way i hid mine. Except he admitted it i couldnt so i told him i had barely realized mine. I had done such a good job hiding them i believed myself.

After our long talk i was walking to his car to call it a night, when he suddenly called for me. As i turned around he was going for a kiss but i beat him to it. I had been waiting for it for so long and it did not disapoint. I wanted to keep kissing him forever but also not in front of people so we got in the car and he dropped me off. I came home and just though maybe i can be happy and maybe i will get a happily ever after. I wasnt able to sleep because i was so happy so i ended up going to work that morning with like 30 minutes of sleep.

We decided that we were a couple and it was official. We started hanging out more he would pick me up from work almost everyday or i would see him at work. We continued hanging out at the store or sometimes we would go park somewhere remote to mess around a bit. The first time we did he started sucking on my ear and it caught me off gaurd, but in a good way. It was a small orgasm but it was the first time it had happened while i was with a guy. We stayed in his car cuddling for a while before we came home and he dropped me off.

The first proble/fight happened when we were messing around. I wanted to go further and i kept pushing his buttons. We were about to go all the way when he told me he lost his hard on. I remember feeling like it was my fault. I got out of the car and laid down on the grass, he joined me seconds later. He kept apologizing, but i was acting like it was my fault. He tried talking to me but i didnt want to talk in that moment. He didnt know what to say so he got up and sat in the car. I continued over thinking things so i got up to walk a bit and get fresh air.

By the time he realized i what i was doing he ended up having to run after me. When he finally caught up to me he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him “ Maybe your not as into me as you thought”. He told me that wasnt true and it was just that he was overthinking it too. I told him he didnt have to be with me and he could still leave now before we got too invested. I told him this was what was going to happen when i got insecure. I had been through hell with guys so i didnt know how to react and he said he knew he told me “ do you think id still be here if i didnt know”. He said he wasnt going anywhere.

Things settled down and we were good for a few weeks, then the second fight came. We had agreed o hang out and i told him i would let him know when i came back from shoppin with my mom. When i finally did i walked to the store to meet him and his boss whos also my coworkers brother was there. I didnt think much of it. After like 30 minutes i got annoyed cuz i thought me and him were supposed o hang out but him and his boss were talking the whole time. I know nothing about cars and i also didnt want to be the girlfriend that makes tou stop hanging out with tour friends. So when they decided to go inside i stayed outside and decided to go for a walk while they finished their canversation.

I realize i fucked up and i should have told him first and i shouldve answered when he called but i was irritated and i needed to cool off cuz i didnt want to say the wrong thing. Finally once i cooled off i text him that i was at the park just looking at the stars. He said he would come for me so i said fine. Once he got there he asked me to get in the car but i was enjoying the breeze and the stars so i didnt want to. We bantered a bit more and i reluctantly agreed. Once in th car he asked me what was wong and i just told him i wanted to go for a walk. I still wasnt ready to talk, but i think i also wanted him to try a bit harder and ask me what was wrong.

We had a lot of good times like going to round one and taking pictures togetjer in the booth, or the late night talks after work, but i wanted more. It wasnt entirely his fault though he would ask me what to do and i never knew what to tell him. We were both working two jobs so the only time we really had was when he would pick me up at 1:30am from my first job. I started feeling like he didnt want to be seem with me because he wasnt good with PDA, but he assured me it wasnt true.

We continued hanging out as a group going to movies, bowling, arcade games, the beach, or just hanging out at the store, the last time we hung out alone he had made a plan to take me somewhere. He wouldnt tell me where and we had agreed to go around 8am. I jokingly told him that was early cuz i worked late the night before. I got up and he hadnt text me i got ready and still no word. Around 8:15 i txt him asking if we were still going. (He dad cancelled on me before so i was scared that was going o appen again.) He replied half an hour later saying he had just woke up and that we were, he just figured hed give me more time to sleep. I told him it would have been nice if he had told me seeing as i had been awake since 7. He apolagized sayin he thought he did.

When he arrived i told hom the sleepiness was getting to me so he told me to sleep during the car ride which i did. We drove around for almost two hours and when i woke up he wasnt sure where we were. I laughed and helped him navigate home. I was slightly annoyed that he didnt actually have anything planned, but i tried to enjoy just beinf with him. We ended up grabbing a bite, but i had to leave him cuz we were going to visit one of my aunts. It was only later that my friend told me his plan was to park abd look at the canals but he couldnt find parking, then he was just going to drive by so i could see them but i was still asleep and thats when he decided to leave and got lost. I felt like an ass but i wishes he would have woken me up or communicated some of it with me.

One time after a family party my little sister and her BF had to leave cuz the BF had to work and since we were their ride we came home too. We still wanted to hang out and since only my brother was home we decided to get pizza and watch movies in the living room. Once there i told my brother to go to my room and we watched the movie. My older sister then showed up with her BF and joined us. About an hour later my parents showed up and went to their rooms. By the second movie we were cuddling an it felt nice to not be doing that in a car.

The second time that happened was when we agreed to hang out with my little sister and her BF at their house with pizza and a movie. He picked me up from my aunts house and qe got the food and showed up to watch angry birds. We were cuddling and enjoying the movie when my sister and her BF decided to be fatties and wanted ice cream. So we got our ice cream came back and watched Tv. My sister went to bed, and i was also going to call it a night. My sisters BF and him decided to go back to the store and smoke so i told him goodnight and to both mine and my sisters BFs’ surprise he actually kissed me goodnight.

A few weeks later we had planned to go to horror nights. This wasnt a last minute thing this was planned in advance. The day of i had sent him a picture of a hickey he left me and i didnt think much of the fact that he didnt reply cuz i knew he was at work. Then as we are about to leave to get my cousin he texts me saying “ Im sorry Suedmy, im not going to be able to make it tonight”. I try to call him and he doesnt answer so i go through like 10 different emotions annoyed cuz its not the first time hes cancelled on me.

I text him back “ I shouldnt even be surprised anymore because everytime we actually make plans to hang out you somehow end up not being able to go”. He then replies “Are you mad?”. So i reply “ No im super happy that you cant go. But its fine my cousins going to go since i had already paid for the ticket and so i wont be alone since i hate being scared”. We both fucked up i overreacted but he shouldve explained why he couldnt make it. After this it was all kind of downhill.

The next day i text him to say hi and he didnt reply so i ask him to pick him up like i normally do cuz to this he normally will reply. Still no answer so i walk home. The next day my older sister breaks up with her BF so i txt him saying “ I know you dont want to talk to me but please talk to jerry daisy just broke up with him and he really needs a friend and for obvious reasons i cant be that friend”. He never replied and i ended up going to the beach with my sisters Ex. I was friends with him before they got together and he was still my friend after. We both cried, him about the breakup and me about my BF. Finallt after like an hour he called my friend, but my friend was mad not only for him ignoring me but also cuz for two nights my friend was trying to get a hold of him and he wouldnt answer.

I told him to answer cuz he wasnt going to stop calling. They agreed to meet at the store and when we got there it was really awkward. I needed some courage so i took some of his beer. We wnt at it And i asked him why he was ignoring me he said i never gave him a chance before attacking him. I told him he gave me the vague ass lie he used to use at the store when he would call out. He said he did tell me but he didnt he just though he did. I told him i wanted us to work but we lacked communication and the way we were going wasnt healthy. I told him that i had never tried so hard with someone the way i was with him. He couldnt find the words so he told us he would be right back. That night ended with me telling him id give him space.

After that it was just back and forth me looking for him him not replying. Him finally replying and us hanging as a group. We agreed we wanted to stay friends. The love was still there but there was problems on both side. Him because he had commitment issued and didnt want to hurt me. Me because i was in over my head. He was there for me the day i had a crappy day and i realized i didnt really know who i was. We talked and of course we ended up kissing and cuddling. This routine continued a few more times. When we would hang out he would caress my face and then we’d start kissing. It was nice but then id wonder if we were doing more harm than good.

Finally the last time we hung out i gave him a ring pop. Someone gave it to me on Halloween and it reminded me of that time he gave me one. Apparently it struck a chord cuz he ended up kissing me and telling me how badly he wanted me. It felt good to feel the passion and want again. I told him i still loved him and i always would. But like everything else it didnt last and it wasnt enough. I still wanted to be woth him all the time. I missed how we used to be. I missed the friendship, The late night food runs, staying out past my curfew, getting caught by my dad, laughing that technically i was home before curfew just not inside home. I missed him looking for me, and wanting to see me. I missed him caling me Pookie Bear. I hated pet names but now i missed that stupid pet name.

I finally realized that i need to learn how to be myself and i need to give him space. If he really wants to see me he will look for me and if not then thats fine. I will always treasure the memories we made and i have a few tokens i can look back on and remember. I will never forget him. Even after everything he did teach me a few things. He taught me i can have a guy friend who wont try to make a pass at me and that not every guy is going to try and sleep with me. Some guys will just want to be my friend. Im grateful we never slept together and technically we are on good terms. If he decides to come back and im in a place where im ok with that then maybe things will work but if not then it wasnt meant to be. I wish him the best. I hope both of us can be happy and learn to love in a healthy way.