#i might not even notice bc my computer time is kinda limited rn

[noinou]

I was tagged by @caninegoodnight and it came at just the right time when i needed a distraction!

last song: The Mess Inside by The Mountain Goats

last album: Jenny from Thebes by The Mountain Goats

I know lots of people prefer the mountain goats' older stuff for lots of reasons, but personally Jenny from Thebes is my favorite and I really enjoy the maturing of the band's musical style.

Favorite Color: like a dark indigo blue or a bright rust orange

last book: what color is your parachute by Richard N. Bolles. It's a book on how to find a job that won't kill you, because I finally have gone to therapy enough I can contemplate work without also contemplating killing myself.

Last movie: I was just on a plane and watched:

pan's labyrinth

tokyo godfathers

love lies bleeding

worlds apart

i think there was one more but i can't rember.

I have slightly derisive things to say about love lies bleeding, I think. Like, I would need to sit down and think about it more, but, gut reaction is it has kinda conservative views on sex and femininity but not more so than like average dude on the street, its just more apparent because the movie is like, about taking T, getting horny, and fighting your dad. plus the two more traditionally feminine characters are a side villain and a victim. like again I don't think the director is a raging misogynist or anything, just that certain aspects weren't considered as a whole and as a result it ends up noticeably reflecting the sort of casual unconsidered bias of the moment.

worlds apart was really good but i didnt get to finish it but i need to so bad. It's literally my highschool fantasy. Basically this kid's parents die and she gets adopted by her aunt. Her aunt is financially successful but lives kinda like a neet (take out containers everywhere, no sleep hygiene etc) and absolutely despised the kid's mom. But at the funeral she sees how the other adults are treating the situation, the pressures and judgements they put on the kid and family etc, and she turns to the kid and is like, "I hated your mother so much I don't think I could ever love you because of how much I hate her, but if you come home with me I will never control you, because you are a whole person not something to be managed or put aside" and the kid goes with her. I spent years fantasizing about adopting someone and giving them the privacy and control that I lacked as a child, and right now really struggle with the romantic ideals around emotion and care, so the aunt character really hits home for me.

last show: jellyfish can't swim in the night, it's a cute show about highschool girls that are all kinda depressed and anxious becoming friends and motivating eachother to pursue their interests.

sweet/spicy/savory: almost always craving savory. used to love spice but i developed a stomach issue and have to be careful about what I eat to avoid having acid reflux all day, so have to have not much allium or capsaicin or fat in one meal.

relationship status: I don't even fucking know dude. like, single, but also there's this girl that's kinda my owner, like im her dog but she doesn't really use the title so idk and when i was talking about qprs she was like that's basically what we do but like at the same time idk it feels like there's still a lot of distance between us and i wish there wasn't. Like idk she reaches out to me to spend time together more than other people in my life which is really nice, and she's given me a lot of emotional support, but like, I wish I had a chance to reciprocate that support even if im not very good at it.

last google: indigo dye (making sure it's what i think it is for this post)

current obsession: i was learning about this programming language called liquidsoap before i left home. I couldn't do anything else just completely fixated on it. It's cool and I wanna finish the project I was using it for but I was also very much using it to avoid thinking about having to visit family.

looking forward to: going back home to my own bed I guess but honestly idk. As much as I'm scared of my family its a much nicer city over here and I don't have to plan all my meals. And I'm so lonely back home.

I realized recently that I have a better social life than i thought, in that I usually manage one social activity every other day, but, a lot of the time they don't satiate that need for safe intimacy and closeness and so much of the time I'm scared and lonely and really need to be hugged and there's just nowhere for me to turn. So I hate being back to see family, but I have a friend with me as a beard even if she spends all our time-away-from-family recuperating her alone time, and in general i know how to be alone in my childhood city. Here its easy to find a crowd to stand in, or a diner to eat at so you can have a morsel of care. so i hate being here because family and i hate being there because lonely and im still lonely here anyway. it's so hard to look forward for me, because all i see is loneliness and new stressors but because of that i keep blinking and 6 months have passed and i havent improved my situation at all.

sorry for being a bummer on that last one.

uh idk who to tag, im not on here as much these days. plus I never really understood like interaction boundaries on social media, like i have no idea when its appropriate to tag someone. I'm gonna try bc i wanna participate and be normal.

@muddy3001 @anti-gravity-insanity @femperor

also if u see this and wanna do it and i didn't tag u just do it and tag me.