#i might also make one for the women bc i am bisexual

[officialspec]

can you pleeeeease post your dm sexuality/gender hcs on here.... 🥺 i don't have a twitter but i wanna know. it's like a pandora's box to me now i'm like scratching at the door. let me in

heres the link 2 the thread (mild spoilers btw) ill post a transcript under the cut for ppl who dont have twitter

first off i think laios relationship to sex is super removed for like 50 reasons without even getting into his actual sexuality

he grew up in a place with very repressed ideas about sex and has a lot of fear about asserting his presence in situations

his special interest takes precedent over any social interactions he has and the level of closeness he feels towards people

he has a hard time figuring out his feelings towards other people both bc hes autistic and bc he has freaky deviantart fetishes that make sex in his mind a very abstract concept <- this one is me projecting mostly

that aside, i feel like gender-wise hes attracted to ppl so infrequently it may as well be entirely case-by-case

the idea of him being gay appeals to me from the 'raised with traditional values he Does Not fit into/hasnt begun to question it yet' perspective, i lauve characters who put a lot of stock into performing a role thats expected of them and fail miserably for unknown (gay) reasons

from his perspective tho i dont think he would ever really label himself anything. hes going to pride parades in the shirt+shorts Ally Fit to clap for his friends

hes also 'cis by indifference' imo... i love tmasc laios hcs it just doesnt mesh w his personal history to me. i do think hes got some kind of therian gender thing going on (not trans or nb but a secret third thing) but i cant see him changing anything abt his appearance/pronouns to accommodate that post-canon. hes just doin his thang

falin is in a similar boat for gender. i LOOVE tfem falin but the village repression thing has been bugging at me so i dont think i subscribe to it anymore (canon purist sorry) BUT if u hold that hc i am clapping and cheering regardless

instead i was propagandised to a while back and i LOVEEE the idea that being fused w a male dragon and the residual traits she has after being revived have given her a type of gender euphoria she didnt realise she was missing. a little boygirl swagger if u will

sexuality-wise i also dont think she would care to label herself, shes a lesbian by virtue of only being interested in One woman and zero other people. without marcille i do think shes still exclusively attracted to women, and i like to imagine she might experiment around a bit during her travels post-canon (pre-relationship). hearing abt it might put marcille on the news though

marcille is very simple That is a transfem lesbian. she cant get pregnant, shes obsessed w being femme and all that combined w her half-tallman struggles to be seen as 'properly feminine' by elf standards reads very transfeminine to Me. also her bookboy crush REEKS of comphet its not subtle

i think a more comfortable marcy might have the space to experiment w being elf butch like her manga boys but thats mainly self indulgence for me. utena could have saved her

senshi is gay his whole thing is abt not being able to perform dwarven masculinity to a proper standard (soft hearted, not as strong or rugged as his peers) which is like gaycoding 101. also hes a bear. homosexuality be damned by boy can work a grill

adding onto this i rly think senshi got some type of euphoria from being an elf in the changeling chapters. he was feeling himself so much i think he was using it as an outlet to have fun being a little fem and fruity without needing to justify it. do u understand

i dont have any particular opinions abt him gender-wise beyond that. his bulge is an essential part of his character design but i also saw a transmasc senshi a couple days ago that made me nod my head thoughtfully so i could go either way

chilchuck is cis and bisexual this is just canon. not even just his old man crush on senshi altho i do think thats very funny but they put his ass on a cover themed like hes in a dating sim with all the men and women in the cast and then slapped it in front of a chapter called "bicorn". i simply cant pass up that kind of overt signaling. its so fucking funny what else is there to say truly

izu to ME is a transmasc aroace lesbian (this one has the least basis in canon i just know it to be true) shes a little genderfluid with it nd uses he/she i think. i like to imagine she consistently uses masculine personal pronouns to refer to herself either way tho (boku, ore)

i think izutsumis gender/sexuality is entirely secondary in priorities to her body dysphoria. she has a lot of learning and acceptance 2 do before that kind of self discovery is on the docket and in my mind eschewing gender on some level is part of that. get sillay

shuro is cishet but at least he feels bad about it. next listen listen to me i dont think he would ever actually examine this but i need u to put on ur tin foil hat with me for one second. i think estrogen could have saved her. i have more thoughts on this but im not gonna propagandise too much on this post just know that im right

kabru is a transmasc bisexual this is also practically text. his whole thing of being treated like a doll by milsiril to put in pretty dresses, plus i think it would be pretty easy for him to stealth in the west since tallmen are seen as inherently more masculine than elves

(i also think changing genders is just more common for elves. theyre androgynous enough that it wouldnt be hard and like who in their right miiiiind would be the same gender for 500 years. dwarves too)

i think he started presenting as male socially in the west but didnt need to consider medical transition until he moved to a more mixed culture where other races might see him as a woman

i dont have to explain the bisexual part. have u seen him

namari is a butch bisexual this is just canon straight up. shes not transmasc but i think the default settings for dwarven women is like 4 years of T regardless. shes a hit at all the local cruising spots despite her renfaire nerdisms i know this

and just bc im thinking abt em kiki and kaka are identical and kiki is tfem :} theyre both attracted to women but kaka is a sub so i forgive him

THATS ALL 4 NOW theres a lot of characters so i cant have thoughts abt all of them at once but i hope this was good. im right about everything forever as per usual

[menlove]

now i'm curious .. why do you think john was gay?

disclaimer: this is not bi erasure & if anyone tries to start discourse w me about that i do not careeeee sorry. i care deeply abt bi erasure but he never labeled his own sexuality & as a figure of the past it's more than fair to speculate that when he talked abt his attraction to women it was from the pov of a gay man dealing w comphet. if he were alive today and saying he was bisexual i'd leave it alone but he's not so i'm not. sexuality can absolutely be fluid! and he very well may have been bisexual! this is just my personal theory & interpretation of things he's said through the lens of viewing him as a gay man. MOVING ON.

i need you to imagine all of this to the benny hill theme. let's go

with the beatles by alistair taylor pg. 98 (at least in the pdf copy i have- there's no actual page numbers so it might not match up exactly if you have the print copy)

and from the same book like a paragraph down- this one is not AS crazy bc there's a million explanations but also not being able to get it up for the one woman you've fantasized about forever...... oh brother

in a description of an auctioned off audio tape:

this :|

this from JOOOOAN BAEZ. JOAN BAEZ.

(source)

"It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists."

this infamous quote (source from the wonderful @amoralto who is a great resource for beatles archiving)

"He was completely open and uninhibited with her, as she learned to be with him, owning up to his deepest sexual fantasies—like one of making love to a woman in her eighties, or even older, whose veined and wrinkled hands would be covered in diamonds. Over time, she became accustomed to his particular style of backhanded compliment. 'Do you know why I like you?' he remarked on one occasion. 'It’s because you look like a bloke in drag. You’re like a mate.' Yoko laughingly replied that she thought he must be 'a closet fag.'"

john lennon: the life by philip norman (take him w a grain of salt. also the doc i have for this one is html so i truly would have 0 clue on what page number this would be) BUT this is also corroborated by a yoko quote herself in a 1981 new york magazine interview

no, no, no by yoko ono which. what do i even need to say.

"I remember it, vaguely. I was out of me mind with drink – when you get down to the point where you drink all the empty glasses, that drunk. And he was saying, 'Well, come on, John, tell us,' something like that, 'Tell me about you and Brian, we all know,' like that. And obviously, I must have been un– uh, f– frightened of the fag in me to get so angry at that. You know, when you’re twenty-one, you want to be a man, and all that. And for the first time I thought, 'I could kill this guy.' I just saw it, like on a screen, that if I hit him once more, I – that’s gonna be it."

this other infamous quote uploaded in an audio by @amoralto (source)

"John believed in my work as an artist wasn’t accepted in part because I am a woman. He got angry when people said about me, 'She’s not a woman, she’s a female impersonator.' John said to me, 'If I had been gay and gotten together with a guy who was talented like you, after ten years that guy would have become famous as an artist in his own right. Maybe we should come out and say, 'Actually, Yoko is a guy.' Maybe that will do it!' That made him laugh a lot. John learned about women’s oppression from me, but I learned a lot about men’s vulnerability from him. He expressed his vulnerability, unlike a lot of other men. I learned that it’s not just men oppressing women. Men also suffer, they feel fear and guilt. For example, I thought the fact that men buy prostitutes was terrible. It filled me with indignation. But John explained it differently. 'It’s humiliating for a guy to buy a whore,' he told me. 'It’s proof that he’s rejected, he’s just so desperate.' I had never thought of that: for me who go to prostitutes, sex is connected to being rejected and humiliated. I always hated people who committed sex crimes, but through John I tuned in to their pain. John told me that it was unfortunate for the poor guy whose sexual preference was a crime and something to be feared. John’s perspective was, 'I’m lucky I’m normal.'"

yoko interview with jon wiener in come together: john lennon in his time. just..... whatever the hell is going on here.

interview w lisa robinson in hit parader "a conversation with john lennon" 1975

"With his four months’ greater experience, Sheridan was an ideal guide to the Reeperbahn’s more exotic diversions, like the Schwülen laden. Stu Sutcliffe later wrote home in amazement that the transvestites were 'all harmless and very young' and it was actually possible to speak to one 'without shuddering.' Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St. Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. 'There was one particular club he used to like,' Tony Sheridan remembers, 'full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.'"

another from john lennon: the life so take it w a grain of salt

so many excerpts from skywriting by word of mouth

and more!

and thats all i'm hunting down for now but he also like Continuously went on and on and and on and ON about how his relationship w yoko worked bc she was so much like a man/mate/what have you

[zithergiltscorner]

So, uhm, haha, guess i'm finally making an intro post, uhh, so

me;

Names, simplified, Zith, Zeth, Ziggy, Zelda and/or El, Ellie.

Name[s]: ZIGGY!!! comes from: Zith [Alternatively Zeth]. Uh, Ellie works. Gurra too. Mr/Mrs/Mx haven/Sachesecem, but that's more for my oc... That, i, uh, that happens to be the same person as me, kinda? My online persona is just Ziggy, my irl oc

You know that feeling you get when someone calls your entire name and you think you're in trouble? Yeah, that happens when i get called Zithergilt. So that's kind of a no-go.

Pronouns: I, uh, so, hhmmmm

He/him would be standard? Like, if i'm not in the conversation, you can call me that and shit.

They/them is kinda nice bc i like to keep my gender ambigous and shit, but fuck that. Use these if you feel like it.

She/her feels like a compliment when i'm called, honestly. #Ziggytransawakeningwhen?

Orientation:

Srs: Panromantic bisexual thanks for asking!

Silly: GAE!! MEN BARK BARK and WOMEN MAKE ME GO BRRR-

So, uhm, yeah.

FANDOMS AND SHIT!!!

I like the Hellaverse. Don't hate me pleeaasseee.

ANYTHING MATPAT RELATED IS GOATED

Snowpiercer is so cool!!

Yes, i am an ASOUE girly 😔

I HATE J.K ROWLING. But, uh, Harry Potter's kinda nice

Pokémon ig? haven't done anything related to it in ages thooo

TOLKIEN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING, BUT GODDAMN IS IT BEAUTIFUL.

TADC. I KIN CAINE. But sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ keept kinning me with Kinger.

Undertaallleeee tho i haven't done jack shit undertale related for a long long time, and i'm not up to speed on 'em AU's [this counts to music too]

Music:

NerdCore lol [especially Greg Holgate (The Stupendium) and Dan Bull]

Erm, vocaloid (like two songs)

LEGRAND. THOMAS LEGRAND LOFGREEN. FUCKING GENIUS.

Cornelis Vreeswijk

Stefan Sundström

Harlequin [the one who made Ont] [if you wanna check them out search up Ont Harlequin]

ALSO PLS SUPPORT CYHRA. I don't listen to them, but i know the lead singer /srs

And maybe Cirkus Miramar

I'M GONNA ADD MORE TO THIS SECTION WITH TIME

just need to come up with everything, that's all

IRL FRIENDS @li11ied n @thatcringegirly

EVEN THOUGH I MIGHT MAKE CRUDE JOKES, I AM A MINOR.

Even though i am a minor, i do accept compliments. Like rlly. pls send me compliments. It makes my tummy flutter. In the best way. INCLUDING compliments about my looks, i'll warn if yall overstep any boundries i promise.

K bye

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hii there! :)

can i b a trans guy without medically transitioning? i cant for a good many years, but also,,, i dont want to (i have several adjacent health issues that would make it difficult, also i’m neutral abt my body - i dont really have dysphoria over it and it doesn’t bother me). but i’m terrified that i’ll never be taken seriously. i don’t mind being misgendered by strangers or acquaintances (i’d actually describe myself as genderqueer if i technically had to, it’s not the label i identify with but it makes the most sense like objectively. i’m happy w/ he/him but ok with they, she, etc), but i would like it if my friends would see me as a guy. but i’m also scared to even like, ask that of them. bc i really really don’t look like a guy, or even slightly androgynous, and i kind of have this sucky internal mindset that i won’t be seen as a real guy unless i make an effort to look like one, even though that’s not what i want. i’m working on it, but it’s also… my romantic life plays a big role in it. i’m currently identifying to a lesbian to my friends bc i like girls. and it’s just girls that i like. so if I live true to myself and do say that i’m a guy, I’m also like… who would want to date me, because i’m a guy who uses he/him pronouns and ‘male’ terminology like boyfriend, but physically, i have a lot of ‘girl’ features, like big boobs, and i don’t want bottom surgery either (neutral abt my body), so i just really don’t know. it’s really hurting me bc when i realised I was queer i thought I’d find a home in the queer community and i did, for the first time ever, but as I’ve thought about my identity a bit more all my queerness causes me is stress bc I’m constantly worried that no one not even other queer people will ever take me seriously or allow me to use the labels I use or will ever want to date me (bc… like, I’m not straight, but also how can I call myself a lesbian if I consider myself a guy? It’s all complicated, to me, but I feel like I’ll be ostracised from lesbians for not being enough of a girl — even though my gender is complicated and trans guy is just the best way to explain it and the best label that fits for me — and ostracised from trans people for not being trans enough and ahhhh I’m just. Really stressed about it all, and am constantly wishing I could just be true to myself, even within the queer community, but don’t know how to…

Hey, listen to me. You have a place in the queer community, okay? If you say you’re queer, you’re queer and we love and accept you.

Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a trans guy without medically transitioning! I understand with health issues it can be difficult for some people. However, you do NOT need to justify your choice to me, or to anybody, okay? If you don’t want to medically transition, then don’t medically transition! That’s the end of it. Being trans is about just being Not Cis. Transitioning medically is part of it for some people, but maybe it’s not for you, and that’s okay! You can still be trans.

A lot of queer AFAB people who start to realise they might be more masc aligned start feeling guilty, wondering if they’re predatory. I also experienced this. I used to identify as a bisexual girl, then nonbinary, then I started realising I felt more like a guy. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be a creepy straight guy, I didn’t want to make the women around me or women I was attracted to feel unsafe.

Eventually I realised, it’s not BEING MALE that makes you creepy, it’s being a CREEPY guy. It’s a mindset that’s a bit hard to put into words. Being male and being attracted to women is not inherently creepy. It’s only creepy if you’re weird about it, and it’s very easy not to be.

Some lesbians might ostracise you, that’s true. However, the vast majority of the lesbian community has a long history of transmasc and trans guy lesbians. The queer community is about love and support no matter your identity. You are loved.

Seeing someone as a certain gender because of their body parts is something people can get over. I might look feminine, but I know my friends and partner see me as a guy because that’s who I am to them, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend.

If your friends can’t see you as a guy because of something as unimportant as your body, then that’s on them.

“Who would want to date me” there’s people who would, trust me. Look, when you have low self esteem, especially if you’re trans and your self hatred is related to that, it’s hard to believe you’re loveable, but believe me, you are.

I still struggle with dysphoria and wonder why anyone would love me when I’m a guy but I feel like I don’t look like one, but my partner always assures me I’m loveable, and you deserve that too.

Trans people can find loving, caring partners who love you not inspite of your transness but because it’s part of who you are and they love YOU.

Kid, be yourself. You’re welcome in the queer community. Be true to yourself, be who you are, and you’ll find the right friends and the right partner.

I hope you have a good day/night, and I’m sending so so much love. May a ray of sunlight shine upon you sometime soon, my friend. Sending warmth <33

[nothorses]

hi! u can ignore this of course but I’ve just decided i’m trans again (long journey) and I had some questions and idk who to ask!!! again you can totally ignore this if you want!!! like i literally rediscovered i might (probably am) a trans guy last night and i’m sort of freaking out as for now. when i first thought i was trans i didn’t really like myself so this was easier but now i do and it’s sort of a totally different experience than what i was used to.

A big worry is, I like my face. like, I really like it and really care about being pretty and I don’t dislike myself generally just think i’d make more sense as a guy and that I’d be happier like that. i’d like to look a bit more masculine but just enough to look like a really pretty guy instead of a woman. can i still be trans or like should i look into my feelings being about something else ? and is there any chance i could achieve what i want with my face while still taking T (I really want the fat redistribution)? I’m also absolutely terrified about losing my hair and i’d heard it depends on my father? but i took the hair gene from mom? i don’t know.

I’m also really worried about dating? I’m bisexual but I’ll probably just date men (i like masc women but have never really met any that aren’t lesbians). I’m not mourning being able to be with straight men bc i’ve really always avoided them (no shade i just never could stand the thought of dating them which is actually one of the reasons i figured out i was probably not comfortable being a girl). Still I’m worried that queer guys won’t look at me twice?

I’m also going to be in a new, big city in september and should i just start by telling people i’m a guy? since i’m long-haired and don’t plan on changing that and i definitely won’t be on hormones or anything by then, I certainly will not be passing. I can do some voice training but I’m not sure to what degree that will help. I’m thin and have no curves that can be seen through most clothes so i don’t think that when clothed anything will be just outright obvious but i think if i speak to people it will definitely be obvious. should i specify i’m trans or just introduce myself with my very obvious male name and give no more explanation? I’m also autistic and was already terrified of never making friends (i have a good group now and tbh there’s no chance they’re going to be cool about this and i’m already mourning them lmao) and now the fear is worse.

If I had to weigh pros and cons i’d definitely say there are no pros to this thing that i’m thinking of doing, but i can’t imagine any future as a woman, (maybe not really as a man either but if i had to choose). I have trouble imagining myself with a straight man or in a wedding dress at this point or things like that, and there’s just been this disconnect lately. i like myself when i look in the mirror but maybe i’m just excited about being conventionally attractive. Still when I imagine myself it’s a flat-chested person. I’ve also been fighting for my life to not be trans so that might mean something. I’m afraid on wasting another two years on thinking i’m trans when i’m not, but the more i’ve grown comfortable and comfortable with myself the more i realized i couldn’t relate to women. Now that I’ve figured out i’m wondering about how to get through the summer w people that don’t know me and wearing a certain kind of clothes. I’m so worried.

Sorry for the vent or whatever this is. you can ignore and i do realize i sound absolutely crazy i’m just freaking out atm.

First off- congratulations on the gender journey! I know how hard it can be to go through something like this, but coming to understand yourself better is such a wonderful, rewarding, relieving experience, and I'm so glad you're taking steps towards what feels good for you.

And second- it's normal for that to be scary, too. It's normal to feel some fear and hesitation when you start to unravel who you are, and what that might mean. You're not alone!

It sounds like you might be feeling some time pressure around this, and my first piece of advice is that if you are feeling like there's a deadline and you need to rush to a conclusion or action before then, that's a really good sign that you need to take a step back, slow down, and breathe. It's normal to feel some urgency with this sort of thing, but ask yourself where that's coming from. It's one thing to want to "stop wasting time" because you know what you want & you don't want to keep waiting for it, but it's another entirely to feel like you have to make a decision to meet some kind of arbitrary deadline.

If you aren't sure what you want but you feel pressured to make a decision anyway, you should slow down. If that deadline is being imposed by some external force, ask yourself what it might look like (and feel like) to slow down and miss that deadline anyways. I really love the phrase "slow down to speed up": most of the time, trying to rush something causes complications and missteps that make the whole thing take a lot longer than if you'd just slowed down and done it right in the first place! If you're not ready, you're not ready. Let yourself be ready at your own pace.

That aside, I'll try to answer your other questions:

"can i still be trans or like should i look into my feelings being about something else?"

You can do whatever you want forever! There's no benchmark you need to meet in order to be trans, and nobody else can tell you if you're trans or not. Honestly, I recommend setting that whole label aside for a while, if you feel bogged down by this kind of question. Who cares if you "count" as trans or not? What matters is what you want, who you want to be, and what feels good to you. Labels should be used to describe what you already know about yourself, not the other way around.

Lots of trans people want the exact same thing you've expressed here, so you wouldn't be alone! And some cis people want that, too.

"is there any chance i could achieve what i want with my face while still taking T (I really want the fat redistribution)?"

Yes, there's a chance! How T impacts you is super dependent on genetics, so you may end up looking the way you want to... and you might not! I also personally found that what I wanted from T actually changed after I went on it; I ended up loving a lot of the changes that I thought I wouldn't like so much. Ultimately, my decision to go on T was mostly based around the knowledge that I was not happy with my body as it was, I did want a lot of the effects of T, and I decided I would be happier rolling the dice and trading off what I didn't like then for what I might not like later. I also decided that I could go off T at any time if I decided that I didn't want those changes anymore, and that I would be making the decision to be on T each time I took it, rather than once and forever.

"I’m also absolutely terrified about losing my hair and i’d heard it depends on my father? but i took the hair gene from mom?"

Male pattern baldness (MPB) comes through the X chromosome. If you have XY chromosomes (like most people who are AMAB), you inherit one X chromosome from your mother, and one Y chromosome from your father. If you have XX chromosomes (like most people who are AFAB), you get one X chromosome from each parent, so you can inherit MPB from either parent.

MPB is also treatable; if your hair starts to thin an abnormal amount, or if you're just worried about it (or have MPB on both sides of your family) you can ask your doctor about treatment options. There are topical options as well as oral medications, and while I have heard it's much harder to reverse, it's actually fairly easy to prevent.

"I’m worried that queer guys won’t look at me twice"

My boyfriend is a cis queer man... many such cases. Queer guys will absolutely look at you twice. Some will look at you thrice. Many will look at you twice entirely because you are trans, and some of those will be doing so because trans people are hot and they see us as people (and not just sex objects for their own benefit).

Also, I really recommend basing your transition on your personal happiness with your body and self first; if the people around you can't be happy for you, they genuinely are not worth keeping around. People who care about you in a real and healthy way will be happy for your happiness!

I'm so serious about this, anon. My dad changed his whole opinion on trans people when I came out because he a) did not want to lose me, and b) saw that it made me happy. The man was conservative (and maybe still is...?), but he cares about me enough that he reconsidered his whole worldview for me. You deserve that kind of love. Everyone does.

"I’m also going to be in a new, big city in september and should i just start by telling people i’m a guy?"

I like your idea of just telling folks you're a guy with no further explanation! This also really depends on where you're going, if you think you'll be safe in doing this, how long you'll be there, if you'll be starting T/expect to see changes.... etc. If you were, for example, going to Seattle for a few months and wanted to try the "guy" hat on for a bit just to see how it feels, I'd say go for it! If you feel like you'll be reasonably safe and you think this is the way you'll want to continue to be perceived for some time, that would also probably be a solid choice. But it's context-dependent, and I think you might need to feel it out for yourself and ask some folks with more context!

I also want to challenge the "girl/guy" binary I think I'm reading in your ask: you don't have to choose one or the other! Nonbinary people exist, and there is such an incredible range of experiences and genders outside of the male/female binary. So many people relate to so many of them, in so many different ways! Infinite gender experiences! If you feel comfortable as a man, that's awesome; if you feel like you might be something else entirely, or both, or one of them and some other stuff, that's also great! If this is all new to you, please take some time to learn more about nonbinary genders & experiences from nonbinary people. I promise it's more than worth it.

You are not alone, there are so many people who will love you for whoever you are, and good luck!

[iloveschiaparelli]

moments I should have known I was autistic

This one is a little different bc it indirectly resulted in my first time flagging autism as a thing I might have

Covid lock down in 2020 was really hard for several reasons, mainly not having any friends and not being able to leave the house. But once I finished the school year and made some friends online... I never before nor after have had a year that was better for my mental health and creativity. I organize my art chronologically in my computer and 2020 still remains as the single most productive year for my art ever, by file count. The majority of progress I've made in developing my fictional worlds and stories was made during lockdown, both in 2020 and 2021 throughout my senior year, which was a hybrid remote so I only had to go in 2 days a week.

I spent maybe 30 mins to an hour a day on Instagram looking at crossposts from tumblr. Seeing that I was relating to a very high concentration of queer and autism posts was what first caused me to begin questioning whether I might be autistic. I grew up in a straight, conservative household. I'm a cis female. And yet I observed and said at one point in 2020 "I relate more to the experiences of an autistic gay man than I do to the experiences of anyone in my demographic". I would joke that maybe I'm autistic, but didn't really do any research until the next couple years when I hit college. This was also when I started thinking I had ADHD, but it was 2 years until I got my diagnosis for that.

Looking back it makes so much sense. The reason why I couldn't relate to other straight neurotypical girls is because I'm NOT neurotypical, and I AM attracted to women. (I do not label myself as bisexual or date women for personal & religious reasons, but I do accept that as part of myself and I don't try to force myself to change.) I had spent 17 years trying to fit in with the normal kids and yeah, it was never going to work because I wasn't normal no matter how much I thought I was.

The reason why lockdown was so productive for me creatively and why I felt so healthy and at peace was because I didn't have to leave my house, which meant I didn't have to mask. Even on occasional trips to the grocery store, the building was so empty that it was quiet. I never had to suffer through sensory overload. My house was clean (never before nor after lockdown has my family's home ever been clean enough for me to function in) meaning I could cook in thr kitchen and hang out on the floor or in the livingroom with no sensory problems.

Even once I went to my senior year of high school, it was only 2 days a week in-person. I wore my mask and didn't talk to anyone unless I had to. The food was awful and working with clay in the ceramics class was difficult on a sensory level but as long as it was wet I was fine. They had remote work for us to do on the 3 days home, but I just did it on school days and did art and played minecraft on the off days.

My mental health was abysmal at the start of lockdown, so of course I suffered plenty mentally throughout. But I made SO MUCH progress.

Now that the world has gone back to normal, I'm back to struggling. It's hard to hold down a job because every job available to me isoverestimating. Going to the grocery store is overstimulating because there are crowds of people there. The roads are full of traffic, strangers try to talk to me or wear heavy fragrances/have body odor and stand less than 6 ft away. I can't take 5 days a week to rest, I have to work to pay my bills. If I don't work, I spend those 5 days wondering where my next source of income is going to come from. I sleep way too much, or at least at all the wrong times, because of how stressed I am at the end of every day keeps me awake late into the morning, and then I overslept because I'm exhausted. I used to live in a rural area but now I live in the city, at an apartment complex where it's never fully quiet. (My roommates and i are touring houses this week! Fingers crossed!!).

It seems like I really am disabled in the context of my environment.

I can function OK when I'm in school with no other responsibilities. I can function OK when I have a job and no other responsibilities.

I can barely function, or not at all, if I have school AND a job.

I function best when I have minimal responsibilitie's to fulfill outside of what I enjoy doing. Because I'm disabled. And the covid lockdown was an illustration of how I could function in an accommodating environment.

[closetdbisexual]

favorite first watches of august, 2024

hi ^__^ i lapsed in actually writing any reviews for this last month bc i was just so exhausted well maybe ill go back at some point i might do it eventually ill never know. i like movies more this month though <3 all of these are romcoms and so i chose photos of all the main couples in them. just kidding or am i

The Master - 5 stars

yayyyy my yaoi movie<3 very first thing i watched this month and i have thought about it every day since which probably doesnt mean anything, or itll change my world forever just like boogie nights did. i gave a more proper review on letterboxd but i looove you movieyy i love the difficult and traumatized main characters in pta's movies freddie is really interesting to follow his relationship with lancaster so special to me they're so interesting dog/owner moment <33 and amy adams is really really good in her role they're all just. such interesting characters pulling each other into their lives and trying to take control of their lives and each other. trying to be free in a way nobody really can be... i love how the cult is never portrayed as being like a grift to the people involved, you can tell lancaster and peggy really believe in what they're doing there, even if they shouldn't. and freddie and lancaster are so in love and doomed <33 it's a bit strange to go "i think the relationship between the sex-obsessed veteran and the cult leader is really romantic" but it is likeeee. it is. anyway i love substance abuse i love tragedy i love mental illness i love when guy is a guard dog i love you moviey oh also laura dern is in this and i love her lots hi laura dern so sweetie why havent i seen blue velvet yet :-( she's very lovely in this and amy adams is so good, they all give all really excellent performances but i'm highlighting them

Challengers - 5 stars

I LOVE YOU TASHI !!!!! good as hell good fucking movie jesus christ probably just like an objectively perfect and incredible movie huh. so fun watching it with my friend and the cinematography here is insanely good the score is insanely good it's so faggy it's so sweaty very sexy movie, i love tashi forever and her knee injury she's sooo me <33 and she's fujoing out she's sooooo me <3 justice for aromantic fujoshis autisticly obsessed with tennis she's actually the most woke character of all time if you think about it. and of course i love their bisexual faggot threesome thing and to be honest it was suicidemotifed i love her telling patrick to kill himself. zendaya is so good in this she has such good expressions i love you tashi

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - 4 and 1/2 stars

yay<3 also watched it with my friend yayyy so funsies also ok i get it now i wasn't totally fucking w/ lanthimos after the lobster (which i did like but i just felt like it wasn't very strong plotwise) i much preferred this though very much my kind of movie. colin farrell is so hot sorry and sorry but he and martin have a truly beautiful gay reverse-grooming manipulation thing going on i support 16 year olds manipulating married middle-aged men thats like my whole thinggg anyway yeah the family unit getting undermined and parental abuse/neglect and alcoholism and really strong stylistic choices w/ the cinematography and the monotone dialogue im obsessed with the dialogue in this it's such a good choice and there's so many long hallway shots <33 i love you hallways. the only thing i don't like is how hospital-oriented it is but like thats not an issue with the movie thats an issue with me yknow

I'm Your Man - 4 and 1/2 stars

doomed heterosexuality<3 alma is one of the top ten most beautiful women ive ever seen and shes sooo real so relatable, and what her and tom have is so tragic and romantic and it hurt to watch how they pushed-and-pulled against each other and each tried to be human in their own ways and even though the love was there they were so incompatible it just couldn't work they couldn't make it work. loved all the big open spaces it made it feel so empty and subdued, the score is beautiful, alma and tom's actors give such good performances and really it kind of haunts me. just really good. and sandra hüller jumpscare ily girl ive GOT to watch anatomy of a fall i need to See her

i don't normally do honorable mentions but today i will i also really liked But I'm A Cheerleader (4 and 1/2 stars) and Sorry to Bother You (3 and 1/2 stars) i love lesbians they were very sweet and it had shockingly good cinematography that i kind of didn't expect from it (my bad i thought it was going to be more like a silly romcom i guess) it was really lovely though. and sorry to bother you had such insanely cool art direction i didn't really enjoy the pacing esp. the last 30 minutes did not come across well to me and i honestly didn't like the ending, but it was a very creative movie visually and just other than that i liked it wish it just didn't lose steam at the end... ily detroit i loved her earrings the costume design was soooo good i also liked cassius of course too i liked a lot of it yayy movies

[halsins-herbal-underpants]

my writing ~

hello I just wanted to share my writing today, i think lots of people followed me probably from art they saw but I write too! here are some things i've written you might like to check out:

my Ao3 account everything is there! including things I'm not mentioning here ~ if you read something you like, feel free to comment! I loves them

Baldur's Gate 3

Red - Wyll x Astarion

- A oneshot based on a fun prompt in which Wyll jumps to the wrong conclusion, much to Astarion's delight

- 860 words

- short and sweet (and cute!)

Control - My Tav x Halsin - A four chapter short interlude between Acts 2 and 3 in which a struggling Tav (my Ranger drow Dayan) needing some kind of catharsis he can't name, goes down by the river (lol) to blow off some steam, but is found by a concerned druid, who might have just what the healer ordered to help his anxiety-ridden mind. - 16k words - A little characterization, a lot of smut. Fea. bottom submissive Halsin and Entangle-based shibari! One of my favorite things I've written. (I've also rewritten some sections, give it another look if you read it awhile ago.) Considered very hot by some. uwu

Between Want and Need - Astarion x Halsin

- One-shot of some hurt/comfort between Astarion and Halsin, a slow realization, some fun party banter and a sweet sentimental ending.

- 6k words

- Entirely written as an excuse for me to make a gaming joke about a concept that didn't even originate from the genre of the game the characters are from, and I even change the name of it in the fic to be less funny. I am a genius. But very sweet, honestly.

--------

Final Fantasy 14

Desert Heat - original WoL x ffxiv OC

- My very first fic ever! A queer Miqo'te x Miqo'te heatfic that's about 40% plot and 60% smut, with a myriad of kinks. Trans femme character! Bisexual catboys! Which is kinda redundant to say! I'm insanely proud of this it took me over 3 months to write.

- 57k - it is an actual novelette lol

- The chapters are a little long bc I didn't really know how long a chapter should be at the time, they end when it feels 'right'. But there are nsfw images included for illustrative purposes in each chapter! If you like mating cycle/heat fics, threesomes, dp and cat people you may like this. Talks about events in game.

A Body in Need - original WoL x Fanow (just...Fanow) - Spoilers for Shadowbringers expac. This is another heatfic, with Viera (rabbits) this time lol. One lone male bun against an entire village of Viera women in heat. What's a boy to do...? - 7.5k words - A shameless smutfic all about nearly an entire village of hot Viera bunny girls ganging up on the one guy in their midst during their heat cycle. Pretty dang hot I do think!

The Price of Regret - several FFXIV NPCs

- One of the fics I'm most proud of which of course means its the least read lol. But! I think you can read it without knowing a thing about FFXIV, most unknowns can be figured out through context clues. So if the synopsis at the link appeals, give it a try!

- 44k words

That's it! hopefully more writing to come after this, I've been on an awful writing block lately but I hope to start writing the full Dayan x Halsin bg3 playthrough soon.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

Hi jammies how is rocky horror show problematic /gen i Would like to watch it but im curious also

I am glad to convert you to weird gay musicals but uh yeah Rocky horror is. A Lot. it’s from the 70s and a lot hasn’t aged very well.

uh the most obvious is the queer stereotyping literally everywhere. which hits upon a lot of negative things too. most obviously with transmisogyny- dr frank n furter isn’t trans (I mean outside of literally coming from a planet called transsexual) but he Is literally a man dressed in woman’s clothes who murders people and tricks 2 ppl into sex (more on that later) which is very much a transmysognistic Thing. there’s also like. the whole slutty bisexual thing and probably a lot more but I think it’s also important to mention the stereotyping is very intentional, and not done maliciously. it’s satirical, and deliberately playing up the demonisation of queer people to absurd levels. like it’s meant to show how ridiculous it is. you’re not meant to take it seriously, it’s ridiculous on purpose, but i do understand why it’s a major dealbreaker to a lot of people.

there’s a lot of very rocky (pun intended) consent stuff in the film too which is definitely intentional on some level but it also like has aged a whole lot worse than it was probably meant to. again there's a scene where two characters are initially tricked into sex by someone disguising themselves as their partner, and after they find out there’s a lot of coercion mostly played for laughs (tho the two do eventually consent). and that bit is definitely a lot more uncomfortable than it probably was initially. so like that’s understandably again something that could make a lot of people uncomfortable.

there's a few nazi references that Probably did not need to be there. like the character who’s implied to be an ex-nazi scientist being like the one person at the end who isn’t happily bisexual is definitely intentional commentary but there is some stuff in the costuming that like. i do not get why.

there’s also some outdated terms like transvestite and transsexual but it’s fucking stupid to get mad at a movie from the 1970s for using terms that were acceptable at the time.

in general like the movie was incredibly progressive for its time and honestly like in some regards is now with its casual gender bending and queerness and open sexuality both male and female. it’s very intentionally silly and very much satirical in a lot of ways, which means it’s intentionally problematic in a lot of them to show how dumb it is (like with the queer stereotypes). but it’s uh. definitely a movie from the 70s with the shit that’d imply. there might be more this is literally off the top of my head. it’s definitely not ill intentioned, and the community is incredibly open and accepting, but it definitely does need to be approached with the knowledge you’re watching a half century year old movie. (it’s definitely aged a lot better than a lot of movies from the time!)

like it is 100% my favourite movie and its influence really can’t be understated. like this thing was a PHENOMENA. and it is also an incredibly funny movie. it’s important to recognise its flaws and i do absolutely have no judgement if they ruin it for you, but it's had a lot of positive impact. it’s why whether it’s Problematic or Not is a constant argument lol. (the answer is Yeah but it’s from the 70s and it was and still is an incredibly queer positive space that helped and helps a lot of people so like it’s a little silly to throw the Entire thing out.)

also the new movie version (new it’s from like 2016) somehow manages to accidentally make it worse by having frank as (and played by) a trans woman which like. yeah trans women playing frank in shadowcasts (basically an amateur production ppl do while the films going on in some theatres it’s cool) and renditions of the stage play isn’t uncommon bc like. it’s frank n furter everyone wants to play him he’s the absolute best character he’s so iconic. but also like. goddddd it makes the whole stereotype thing way worseeee.

[adelaidedrubman]

For the pride asks: 3. 6, 11 for both Jestiny and Jenna! 19, 20 for general Qs! 💕

HIIIIIIII CAYMAN thank you so much for sending these!!!!!! sorry they took ten million years but hey, it’s still pride month! (also sorry it’s so long as always i am thinking out loud and nobody has to Read All That disclaimer)

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

so, i’ve joked before that jestiny’s bisexual awakening was the sneakin’ around number in dolly parton’s best little whorehouse in texas. (seen below for anyone interested and unfamiliar.)

but to be more detailed i think realistically by the time she saw that movie she was actually probably well aware going in that dolly was hot and she’d had a crush on her for most of her life and was there mostly just ogling her in that lingerie then saw burt reynolds getting flipped over that bed and said “well there could be something to that also!!”

maybe the bit with the vacuum hose as well. watching it over again that might have been a pegging metaphor

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

jestiny is very casual and relatively eager with labeling herself, but her knee-jerk reaction is always to resist external labels — in part because she’s used to having to combat incorrect assumptions, in part because she’s simply combative and will yell at someone for assuming even when it is correct.

that being said she usually follows up with protesting labels by labeling herself with her chosen term, even when the person had already used it. “WHOA you have a boyfriend?? i thought you were a lesbian after that one chick....” -> “you shouldn’t think of me at all, because you’re wrong. don’t label me. i’m bisexual.” / “you’ve been with men AND women?? that’s so cool i didn’t know you were bisexual” -> “never said i was. that’s not what that means. don’t label me. i’m bisexual. but not because of what you just said.” / “i get it so like...... you don’t see gender your heart just wants what it wants...... sexuality can be so fluid and love is beautiful.” -> “ew no. speak for yourself. don’t label me. i’m bisexual.”

11. Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?

[tipping her women want me fish fear me hat] absolutely open, this is one of very few things it’s really easy to learn from her from the first conversation. she will quite literally tell people she’s bisexual before she tells them her name. she will tell them she’s bisexual while actively refusing to tell them her name because they don’t need to know her like that. primarily because jestiny doesn’t consider her sexuality to be like, particularly personal? this is boring demographic information you could learn about her as easily as jotting down her hair is red. and also because she’s the classic girl who comes out because she can’t resist making a well-timed joke about her sexuality. seizing every “i could see it going both ways....” may be low hanging fruit, but it’s honest fruit.

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

jenna never had like, particularly strong expectations for herself to be any specific orientation in the first place, so to a certain degree it was just analyzing her feelings as she went while growing up. i mean she was definitely exposed to heternormative messaging but in the #Supportive and #Progressive way. cut to jenna’s straight parents explaining their grown-up friends coming over to dinner are both boys but they are married just like mommy and daddy, because boys can love boys and girls can love girls, and baby jenna being like “i have never assumed otherwise bc i am a child learning about the world for the first time but thank you for the information.” (point being she knew straight was the majority/considered default but not the only option.)

as far as a specific realization moment i am going to lean into the bit again and and say after eleven years of thinking probably only her feelings towards girls ever met the definition of “crushes” jenna kissed a girl she liked at science camp then decided she should kiss one of the boys there she found pleasant just to be sure then stopped in the middle of the kiss to pull out her journal and write down “hypothesis: lesbian”

she’s checked in with her feelings occasionally since then but it has always been “data collected confirms lesbian hypothesis”

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

jenna LOVES labels. she’s a bit more interested in like, talking about the cultural history behind particular labels and the social practice of labeling gender and sexuality in general than she is getting into the weeds about the ones she uses for herself and why, but she does also enjoy her personal labels and will gladly talk about it as she’s rambling about generalities. (she tends to treat her own identity and feelings as secondary a global character trait for better or for worse, so.) that being said she also doesn’t try to limit anything by the available labels, certainly not for anyone else. like many things jenna values labels mostly for their present utilitarian value — they’re a means of quickly communicating via shared social meaning who she is and what she wants, and they do it very effectively.

11. Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?

jenna is quite open, and regularly volunteers the information before being asked, usually for the sake of clarifying interpersonal interactions. a man comes up to her in a bar and starts talking to her about a subject she’s interested in and she dives in with the preface “just so you know before we continue this conversation, i’m a lesbian.” flipside, her flirting also often reads quite dry and her interest clinical so she will clarify a compliment or question with “to be clear, i mean that in a gay way.”

AAAAAAND THE GENERALS

19. Do you have preferences about depicting homo/transphobia in your stories? What, and why? Does it vary by story?

it’s flexible, it’s not so triggering to me i absolutely have to avoid it full stop but i also definitely tend not to incorporate it into any setting that doesn’t require it, or make it the inescapable focus or driving force of things in settings it would realistically be present by no choice of my own. if it’s a fantasy world and the source material world build doesn’t specify otherwise, my go to is no -phobias of any kind. who cares there’s fucking spells and shit

as for real world settings, it tends to be there when and where it realistically would be to the degree it realistically would be, but again not the focus. like, everything i have written for fc5 has a montana 2018 degree of queerphobia as i have experienced it, but it’s mostly quick albeit dark jokes or noted generally when there’s other shit going on. (in part bc i tend to just decide i’m writing not cishet characters interacting with not cishet characters.) a few oneshots have incorporated it as one among many a notable plot/character things going on, but. i think my approach tends to always be “yeah obviously everyone is dealing with this but their entire experience of being a member of the community or a person isn’t defined by it.” i definitely don’t mind exploring Dark Themes, including the things i have experienced personally, but i only do it when it’s fun or enjoyable and this one isn’t as much.

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?

this one kinda stumped me! i don’t know if i’ve necessarily learned anything brand new, but it’s definitely been a way to explore my experience and it has made me confident about saying loudly this is who i am, and the type of characters/relationships i want to see more of in media. it’s been self-discovery mostly in the sense it’s helped me with self-expression, a lot.

[schizowitchic]

re: the last post i reblogged i am now going to rant about biphobia i have experienced and am experiencing! yay /s

(under a cut bc this got way too long)

so in secondary school i was in a friend group full of queer people, majority of whom were bisexual girls (at the time. a couple are now nonbinary / asexual) . and they were very big on the whole "bisexual culture is liking every woman and 2 men" thing, a lot of "ew men" jokes, and all in all general "liking women is better than liking men" "why am i dating a gross icky man i should be with a woman".

now i am more attracted to men than women, not by much, its typically fairly equal, but i definitely have a leaning towards men. and i repressed that for AGES. because it simply was "frowned upon", so to speak, from almost everyone i was close with

(for further context for the rest of this. i am not out as genderfluid. i use she/her pronouns irl and ppl know me as a cis woman. i am not really out as aromantic, when i identified as aroace i did tell a few people but i think they either completely ignored me or forgot. lol.)

nowadays, i tell my friends i am bisexual. one in particular always seems to forget, constantly calling me gay/lesbian, assuming i have no opinion or that my opinion will be "ew no" when she asks if i find a man she likes hot. (she has told me so many times "why am i asking you this you don't even like men". i have told her i am bisexual several times) (she also thinks it's funny to call me & another friend "f-slurs" . she says that not the actual word but still. i have to find it funny bc she gets so defensive if we imply she's homophobic)

(i do call myself gay bc i consider none of my attraction ever to be straight. i have no major issues with being called a lesbian apart from the fact that. yknow. im not a lesbian and have never identified as such)

i made a post a while back saying something like "help im being biseuxal erasured". because i am!! i am stuck in yet another situation with people who are either mainly attracted to women/only attracted to women/don't often talk about their attraction to me & also two cishet girls who are attracted to men in a very different way than i am (one of whom erases the fact i am attracted to men and the other who i don't like and probably assumes i'm a lesbian bc of how often everyone else says that)

also full of "ew men" jokes!!. might i add.

i literally have no space to talk about the way i experience attraction, i have to water it down and pretend i only like women, pretend i am interested in romance, pretend i feel attraction when the occasioanll bout of extreme sex-repulsion hits, take (albeit censored) homophobic slurs, sex jokes about me & another female friend that are getting uncomfortable.

and pretend like the main perpretatror of this isn't being at all queerphobic. (she also has massive racism and antisemitism issues. although my friend did throw basically a whole book at her face when she made a really bad joke). to the point where i no longer consider her a friend but i can't say that bc then im overreacting and i'll get the same bullying ostracisation treatment & my friends are still gonna hang out w her so i can't avoid it

people wonder why i am aplatonic when throughout friendships i have experienced: making fun of me to my face & behind my back, bullying, homophobia, biphobia, aphobia, ableism .

like what the fuck. im sick and fucking tired of having nowhere safe to express my sexuality bc let's be real, the internet often isn't the best space.

ive made my peace with either having to compromise my aromanticism or my allosexuality irl (ie either be out as bisexual or out as aroace) but apparently i can't even freely be bisexual without people making assumptions and at this point im just waiting it out until i can hit restart and try make new friends

[comphet-critical]

hello, i’ve been confused about my orientation for a while? i’m pretty sure i’m probably just bisexual with a lean towards women or am febfem, but idk bc there are some things really confusing me. please feel free to immediately delete this if this is too much information, and i won’t message this blog again.

i was exposed to porn really young, like single digits young. in the past i’ve gotten off to straight porn, lesbian porn, gay porn (briefly), porn of women by themselves, trans porn. rn i feel wrong and uncomfortable whenever i watch anything that doesn’t have a woman in it, but i seem to be aroused sometimes by male stimuli. at the same time, the arousal doesn’t feel pleasurable when it’s triggered by a man, as i don’t have a desire to engage sexually with a man beyond intrusive thoughts that make my distress and confusion worse. i’ve wondered if these intrusive thoughts are just repressed ones. i’ve tried to relax, be mindful, and tell myself that it’s ok to be attracted to men. i sometimes view solo male porn so that i can check my responses to it, and sometimes i even try to masturbate to it to see if i’ll get anywhere. sometimes i feel arousal, again, accompanied by repulsion or emptiness, and then a plateau where my body is like “i cannot do this.” i think the arousal is mostly phallic? the repulsion generally goes away if i think of/look at women with straps instead, but then my brain does internally homophobic thing where it’s like “well if you like strap you like dick 🤨” which is not actually true.

at the same time, literally yesterday (after masturbating to women for a while) i did my checking thing in the midst of it, and i viewed two solo male gifs and were able to orgasm to them. it felt very hollow, almost detached. i remember just lying down and staring off into space. i even considered texting one of my friends to tell them that i was probably a heterosexual, just a really fucked up one. but i didn’t do that because i know i was in the midst of being very obsessive. just a couple of days ago i did a similar thing with my friends, except i was thinking i was a lesbian. and then i did the same thing except with IDing as bisexual. it just never ends.

i guess i’m afraid of being bisexual? it just doesn’t make sense to me because although i have these weird aroused spikes, the “desire” piece is nonexistent when it comes to men. i used to have “crushes” on boys, but if i’m being real i don’t think i’ve ever had an actual crush on anybody in my life, i just have wanted to be people’s friends + i’m predisposed to anxiety, so any interest i have in anybody can resemble a “crush.” i get nervous, it’s hard to talk to other people, i overthink everything i say. lol. so i assumed when i felt the same way in relation to the opposite sex, it had to be a crush, right? i’d never pursue it romantically or sexually, and i found myself fulfilled just talking and building a friendship with guys. as i’ve grown older, i’ve generated an easy sort of back and forth with men as well — because there’s no desire and i tend to have interests that have large male audiences, it’s not really hard to talk to or engage with them. i’ve never regretted not pursuing a man. i have regretted not pursuing women, or not healing enough to be in a healthy relationship with women.

i think something that also tangles things up here is i think i legit have some sort of penis envy 💀 (mostly joking). like it turns me on to think of myself having a penis, and i also get upset at the fact that i’ll never know what it feels like to have one and be pleasured that way. pleasuring other women that way is possible bc of straps (and fingering) obviously, which fulfills me in one aspect and i’m excited for if i find a partner who enjoys penetration. but idk, that doesn’t explain the arousal towards certain guys. idk.

i also haven’t noticed these “pulses” of arousal for men before the past two months of my life. i recently stopped SSRIs, so that might be doing something. idk if it’s a rather mild case of persistent genital arousal disorder, or simply attraction making itself known. all i know is the arousal only feels good/natural if i recognize it as being triggered by a woman. i’m also able to engage with men normally, and i do appreciate platonic friendships with men. additionally, i’ve noticed that, in general, i’ll admit that i generally don’t know what is actually causing my bouts of arousal (and it’s also wildly inconsistent) which goes from annoying to completely terrifying.

anyways this is a lot of rambling only for me to probably just be a bisexual (idrc about the Kinsey scale, i feel like personally it’ll just give me a headache). do you have any tips on accepting yourself as a bisexual? my entire being is trying to reject it, it feels so wrong and bad. even the label febfem just does not feel right. i resonate so much more with the lesbian label for whatever reason, but that doesn’t make me a lesbian. genuinely though, no hate to bisexual people. i think the sexuality is cool, and i like to see how different people express their bisexuality and how they’re proud of it. it just somehow doesn’t feel right for me. sorry for being so long-winded.

you need to stop watching porn for months, then revisit this topic. i think it’s distorted your views on sex, not your sexuality.

[ambivalentgaylor]

A few very normal thoughts:

Okay so I've just watched the Lavender Haze video for the first time after avoiding it due to being pissed at her for heterosexualising the term, and have noticed the following: the weather guy on the TV points to the number 78...I googled and 1978 was when the gay pride flag was first flown in San Francisco. Also, what's with the purple she's using in every video? In Anti-Hero it came oozing out of an egg. Everyone (well, lesbians) knows purple/lavender is a lesbian colour.

But I worry that maybe she's just so excruciatingly straight she really does think "lavander haze" was a term commonly used in the 1950s after seeing it used once on a mad men episode. So sad. But she's also scattering the bi flag colours absolutely everywhere, and she is not an idiot. She's a smart lady. I cannot accept that she'd be so silly and detached as to not understand that it is exploitative to employ lesbian and bisexual coding in her art simply as a way of "supporting" lesbians and bisexuals. Like, surely not.

Since her breakup I've therefore allowed myself to have lesbian interpretations of some of her lyrics on Midnights. So that's fun for me.

At first, taking it at face value and not wanting to read into it, I thought "I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me, no deal - the 1950s shit they want from me" was just her speaking about media/public/fan pressure to marry her man, and her desire to ignore that pressure to just feel good in her relationship as it is. But if I allow myself to be a lesbian about it, one might say that she was in a relationship with a man who wanted marriage and was way into sex-roles and she was like "Ugh... I feel the lavender haze aka my lesbian tendencies from previous relationships with women creeping up on me...no deal to these men who want that 1950s shit from me...I'm damned if I stay in this straight relationship due to fear of what people might say if I explore my love of the ladies a bit more... mayhaps I'll move towards this lavender haze..." (this interpretation is based on the theory that she's bi, because I don't think I can bring myself to believe she's actually a lesbian and all her public hetero relationships have been "beards").

Anyway, the Bejewelled video. In which she wants the castle, not the man. This goes back to what I said a while ago (to myself and one other person, don't worry about it), about how her comeback after the Kanye thing would likely not have gone down well if she didn't have a boyfriend to point to like, "Whom cares about any of you bc I am all loved up with this amazing man, haha to the losers who expected a bitter revenge album". Making the rep album about love allowed her to regain the kingdom keys Kanye took away...and get her castle/superstardom back...and now she no longer needs to show the world she can be in a long-term hetero relationship and isn't the "whiny overdramatic harpy who disses men in her music too much and always plays the victim" the world characterised her as. She has the castle and left the prince after he proposed because she was like, "Sike! Just needed this castle actually." And we know she would not have regained the kingdom keys as quickly if she didn't have a "stable het relationship" to point to, because society doesn't love and admire a strong, independent woman with cats. That's a witch, girls.

Also: at the end of the Bejeweled video, once she's in the castle having ghosted the prince, she looks out and sees dragons flying around... perhaps envisioning what is to come if she were to "come out"...?

In saying that, another interpretation could be that she's saying she's gonna go back to being the "annoying serial dater who can't keep a man and complains too much" that everyone hates, bc she doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids. And so she is predicting the criticism that will come from her preferring the castle/solo success to settling down like a "good woman" should.

See? I'm allowing for the possibility that every lesbian and bisexual clue she has ever dropped over many years has been purely accidental on account of straight people being clueless. You never know, good not to put all your eggs in one basket, pays to be flexible in life, etc.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this has been said before because I have been completely disconnected from this whole era out of bitterness, so if you're a serious and professional gaylor truther reading this like "um...duh" then...fine. Fine!

[agentoffangirling]

Ohhhh I have so much to say on this!

I think personally, the idea of the TVA lends itself very well to a character like Loki. It wasn't executed in his favor AT ALL, but what we were given in trailers of the sort-of buddy cop, jumping around timelines and causing shit would be more of the vibe I would go for

I would've focused much more on Loki's character, especially his trauma, and worked through his character arc throughout s1 so it actually made sense to end up in a more "heroic" position. A TDW Loki is what I imagine he would really act like in the series, so more of that while building up to the hero stuff

But still keeping him an anti-hero, bc well. He's Loki. He's not a pure hero

Sylvie is a very interesting addition, and I think there's a ton of potential for her. I might lessen the amount of inspirations for her, bc she has a lot for very little reasons other than aesthetics™️, and 100% remove the whole "only female Loki" bs

In general Loki would be far more openly genderfluid and bisexual. Or there could be something said about how the TVA represents conformity and heteronormativity and how Loki defies all that. I'm on 12 am thoughts so sorry if I can't articulate that super properly lol

But yeah. Way more queer stuff

I would give Sylvie an actual personality so she feels more like a real person. Flaws, weaknesses, hobbies. Lessen her role in s1 so it doesn't feel like she's completely upstaging Loki but she's still a mc. When it comes to her in s2, give her something to do!! That was one of my gripes, that while I really loathe Sylvie in s1, it's quite obvious there were less women writing for the show in s2, bc she lost anything remotely interesting there

Personally, I am partial to Lokius, so while I would not make it canon in s1 due to a more intense focusing on Loki's character, I might drop hints here and there. I would make it canon once a lot of the stuff above was cleared up in s2

More Jotun aspects for Loki. It pisses me how the movies just completely forgot that unless they wanted to make a "lol adopted" joke, and the Loki series would've been the perfect place to do that (but we all know how that turned out)

And finally, make Loki actually happy. Not stuck in a tree all alone. Genuinely happy and causing chaos, being more of a "hero" but also operating in that gray area of "doing things heroes don't do". The most part of all of this is having him truly reunite with Thor

If you yourself could’ve directed/wrote the Loki series, what would you have done differently? What would you have wanted to see in a series about Loki? What would you have focused on? Would the series take place somewhere other than the TVA? Which characters would you include? What would be the end goal? What aspects of his character would be explored?

[maskedshark]

And now for the mlm addition of the “I love women!!!” post I made with a bunch of wlw ocs of mine.

I have a feeling we’re gonna run on fumes here and go off of generally queer male characters instead of strictly mlm because I am woman enjoyer and my stuff tends to reflect that.

Starting off strong with Samuel, a bisexual man (he/him). Horribly riddled with anxiety and anthrophobia.

Gulliver, male(he/him), queer. Acts like a theater kid. Probably is one.

Damen, male(he/him), bisexual. I literally only have one picture of him with his usual attire because he’s either NUDE in the rest of them or bloodied up *sobs*. Yes he wears buisness attire 24/7! He's fruity like that! (Hats are also hard to draw bcs perspective. Grr, my nemesis. *shakes fist*)

Willimar Lawson, male(he/him), bisexual

Amon Londis, male(he/him), demiromantic bisexual with male lean

Wretched, male/pangender(he/him/any), pansexual with male lean

Archigo Tartel, male(he/him), homoflexible. I think this man’s probably the closest i’ll EVER get to having a gay-gay character 💀

Bee, male(he/him), bisexual.

Ok! And it seems like I had more mlm characters than I initially remembered! But even then, they're all fuckin’ bi 💀 Who would’ve guessed that even the lesbian’s mlm characters would be woman enjoyers??? 🌝

I was afraid I might have to break out the “I don’t prefer women!!!” one-time accidental child murderer objectophile that somehow managed to have a wife and daughter and is also an autistic, body dysmorphic furry that would rather make out with a sheet of metal!!! Heavens forbid having to pull *him* out after using the aroaces up my sleeve. No I will not explain a damn thing about wtf I just said.

(Slightly old draft but it's pridemonth so I felt obligated)

[somefuckingguysblog]

rating how fuckable the men in God of War are (as a dilf lover and also a queer gay man)

1. Kratos, 10/10. I love big beefy men. What else can i say. For reasons i cannot express, he seems like a switch who prefers to bottom. Not that'd he'll tell anyone that.

2. Thor, 9/10. Again, I love big men. Points taken off for the alcoholism, but dudes trying. I'll get him therapy bc he needs it.

3. Týr, 10/10. Silly little man. Hes so skrunkly skrimblo. Also the imitial scene where he stands up compleatly and overshadows Kratos does things to me. I more wanna be friends with him and smoke that zaza of asgard but im giving him a 10/10 as compenation for forgetting him when i initially made this post.

4. Sindri, 10/10. I love him so fucking much i cannot even begin to explain it. He'd proabbly be very sweet but shy, hes not very experienced. Bfok has more expereince than him. Also, praise kink.

5. Brok, 9/10. Again, i cannot beguin to explain how much i love him. However, im taking points off just because while i do love him, i like Sindri way more. Also, if i had a dime for everytime ive liked a blue, short, crude older brother type, i'd have two dimes. which isnt alot, but itd weird that it happened twice right? (/ref) But he'd proabbly be suprisingly gentle, and prefer to bottom. Though hes not used ot it, he dosent mind being taken care of and probably has alot of body image issues,

6. Freyr, 7/10. I personally wouldn't fuck him, but i can see the appeal. Just not my kinda guy.

7. Mimir, 8/10. Man can GET IT. He knows how to please both men and women, and hes exceptional at giving head. (see what i did there lol) Points taken off for being only a head.

8. Heimdall, 0/10. I hate Heimdall with a passion, and i want to curb stomp his head in. Bro is lirerally a grown ass man and he picked a fight with a 16 year old child. Fuck off. Heimdall lovers dni./j

9. Baldur, 6/10. I contimplated putting him here, but i decided to because why not. I can see the appeal, and while i do love crazy men, hes a bit too crazy for my liking. Yall continue to slay.

10. Odin, 0/10. Self explanitory. I like old men, but not asshole manipulatirs. I also want to curb stoml his head in, but in a way thats already been done for me. (thanks Sindri <3)