#i mentioned 3 grandparents not 4 because i never got to meet my paternal grandfather

[scorpion-flower]

Things are getting worse and worse. Doctors are doing their best to help my grandmother and she is showing an immence amount of courage and patience, and I do hope that something good is gonna happen (my boyfriend says that life owes us a little light among all that darkness) but so far, the situation is difficult.

And I've started to have dark thoughts. I love her so much, I cannot imagine a future where she is not in it, or imagine a future where I am going on without her. I've already lost one grandmother, a grandfather (the husband of the grandma who's currently ill) and the thought of losing her too is unbearable.

I don't want to experience that, I don't want to be here when it happens. But at the same time, I am also coward enough to do something about it (like unaliving myself). I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up, or someone could just take me out of my pain and misery.