#i meant to be succinct but it's me we're talking about

[novadreii]

Your attitude and words give me strength! You're tough as nails babe. Any tips for getting over a breakup quickly ?

aw i'm glad! this is partly why i keep this messy online diary going strong lol

you didn't mention how far out you were from it/the circumstances, but some general stuff i personally did would be (for a non-amicable breakup where i was emotionally abused, constantly lied to and generally neglected for the last 6 months of the relationship):

therapy if accessible, but you don't need this to heal. i just had enough issues to where this breakup was the tip of the iceberg lol, and i really needed the guidance to point out all of the broken ways i think.

realize that this person's treatment of you (if it was bad) had nothing to do with your worth as a person. same if it was just simple incompatibility with no mistreatment; incompatibility is neutral. how someone treats you is ONLY a reflection of who they are as a person. repeat this messaging to yourself no matter how fake it feels. it will sink in over time. it's not your fault. you never deserve to be treat poorly.

you'll see a lot of "forgive them...for yourself." messaging. fuck that lmao. you don't have to forgive anyone. certainly not anyone who isn't sorry. your resentment/anger at being fucked over comes from a place inside of you that loves you and is protective of you. honor it. it will subside when it subsides. mine ebbs and flows a lot and i just let it. that pacifistic/manipulative narrative of "anger is poison" is bullshit. it's an integral part of healing and denying yourself the right to be mad that you were treated badly is self-betrayal.

LET YOURSELF FEEL. i cannot stress enough that fighting your feelings, or trying to dissociate from them with drugs/food/alcohol/sex will only delay this process. feelings you do not allow yourself to process get stuck and manifest in other ways you won't be able to make an association to. they don't just evaporate. cry when you wanna cry, rage when you wanna rage. keep an outlet and use it often (for me it's my blog and a paper journal).

contrary to the above, balance feeling your feelings with self-care, friendships, and trying new things! it helps to keep your mind from ruminating. you want to feel for an appropriate amount of time, but not ruminate, you know? i learned that rumination is actually a form of dissociation from your feelings and delays healing.

go no contact. personally, i never stay friends with my exes, because it keeps me stuck in the past. possibly the single most useful tool when evaluating if someone is good for you or not. you cannot continue to associate with someone who treats you like shit if you are still attached to them. they will fully take advantage of that. attachment does not equal love, so you need time to let the attachment fade so you can clearly reflect on what kind of person they are. you will be amazed at the kind of clarity you get once you let the fog of attachment fade. things that never occurred to you before just become...obvious. painfully so. the ways in which you were excusing their behavior come to light. this is so necessary.

do not break no contact for anything ever. seriously. that is giving your power away to them, again. instead of reaching out to them, journal what you wish you could say. my personal favorite is to replay all of the worst memories of how they treated me like an awful mental movie, of how i basically cried for 6 months straight, each and every time they looked at me with cold, empty eyes and knowingly hurt me when i was doing my very best. don't do this too often because it's not great to dwell and cause yourself pain, only use this technique when you mistakenly feel like you miss them. you miss who you thought they were, not the real them.

don't rush into dating new people. you will know when you are ready vs. when you are doing it to show up your ex/cope/distract yourself. people are not playthings or coping mechanisms. you WILL attract someone similar again unless you heal.

take up EFT tapping (brad yates is the definitive source for me) this helped me reprogram subconscious beliefs about myself (how i always attract people who hurt/abandon me, feelings of worthlessness etc). it feels silly and fake at first but i stg, this shit is like magic.

all of this culminates to realizing that nobody can give you the love and care you can and MUST give to yourself! this relationship has made me a proponent of the belief that it's hard to find fulfilling romantic relationships unless you love yourself first. you will attract people on the same vibration as you, so if you have healing to do you will also attract damaged people who cannot love you the way you need. love and respect yourself truly, deeply, and wholly. not only will it feel amazing to finally be on your own side, but you will attract people who treat you like the queen/king you are. it will also make you a better partner to them.

these are the major things that helped me. I'm 5 months out and feel like.....85% of the way there? i still struggle with anger but like i said, i honor and don't repress that side of me. the goal is not to move through this quickly, but to surrender to however long it takes to process this. ironically, that IS the way to move through it as quickly as possible.

you WILL heal, you WILL love and be loved again. don't let bad experiences taint and sour your view of people. there are good, kind people who can't wait to meet you out there. when you truly love yourself, you will not settle for anyone who doesn't match that level of self-love. you won't even contemplate overstaying your welcome with abusive, low-effort partners. take every failed relationship as a learning experience and you never really lose. <3