#i mean. if i really didnt give a shit i could still do crochet

[lokh]

man. i wish id thought to make the mesh top with crochet earlier

[cordlessgryphon]

"So What Ever Happened to that Weird Asshole from middle/high School"?

If you are on this blog, there's only two feasible questions you could be asking yourself that would make you come to this source: A) "Who made the funny post?" If this was the question you asked that is now answered by coming to this blog, you will be vaguely dissappointed to know that while this blog is abandoned, and I have emotionally grown quite considerably in the Past Ten Years and am no longer facing the sincerely terrible affliction known as Being A Dumb Teenager who's cringe in The Bad Way; I am still a Tumblr User!! but I'm *mostly* not making silly shitposts these days.

or B) well. See Above Post Title. If you are asking that question, you (typically) fell into one of two categories: People who did not know me on an actually personal level, and People who did- people I actively considered my friends, or people I hurt in my own confusion. To the former category; We are Adults, rapidly approaching 10 years after we all Graduated High School. You are looking up specific information on someone you effectively had only ever heard stories about or interacted with in passing. I am cringe, and free. Your oppinion on me actively means next to nothing. Kindly, and with all respect, Have you considered getting into birdwatching? crochet? learning HTML? Literally any other productive use of your time that's not perpetuating the rumor mill?

Now that my spiel to the peanut gallery is out of the way- if you even remotely feel as if you belong in the latter category: I would Actively and Sincerely like to extend my Apologies for the way I acted as a Teen.

The long and the short of my behaviour was that I was experiencing Big Emotions that I didn't have proper tools to communicate or understand, and Effectively took it out on everyone around me. Unfortunately, this is The nature of being an Immature Teenager going through things they didnt have the tools to verbalize except by lashing out at their peers. This is Not an Excuse. I should have realized and gotten my shit together, well before I finally did, and for that, I am Sincerely Sorry.

Anything Else on the insights of these Big Emotions that I feasibly could have to offer you is nothing more than an explanation, and, again, by zero means an excuse. The way I acted against you was rude and meanspirited, best case scenario. You didn't really deserve that!! School was hard for everyone, and I should have realized that, and not have been so self-centered and aggressive.

If I could know then what I know now, I would have been Nicer to you guys. I wouldn't have taken everything as a Personal Attack. There was a LOT that I couldn't control-- but that doesn't mean that, at bare minimum, I couldn't have just Chilled Out. Alas, hindsight is 20/20. I can't change the Fact I was immature and mean to you in Highschool. But I can apologize, and I am, because, at bare minimum, you DO deserve a Sincere Apology.

I am, slowly but surely, making amends where I can. I'm doing better, and I strive to be consistently better every day. You are by no means required to do anything about this apology. Hell, you don't even have to accept it! Lord knows you have EVERY right not to!

I'm going to be very honest- my memory is spotty, at best; but if you were one of my peers in School who feels hurt, and want a more personalized apology/explanation for what was going on, to put your own traumas at ease? Please feel free to reach out and just give me a nudge who you are. I'd be more than happy to rebuild a burnt bridge, starting with an olive branch, just as long as you are willing, too. and, with that, I think I can finally lay this blog to rest. Nothing particularly interesting or holy is contained herein. Just the ramblings of a kid in Highschool who barely exists as even a fraction of what they are today

See you, Space Cowboy.

[theboardwalkbody]

That’s me (in my nursing cap because it’s my most recent photo and capping ceremony was cancelled so I took pics in my house to send to nursing school buddies instead): Amanda - meme - Manda 28 NJ Tired AF And bored so I am answering this Ask Meme I found by @myautisticjournal​

What music have you discovered or listened to lately?

I’ve been listening to my Recently Added playlist on iTunes. Only “recently added” has been adjusted to include the last 28 months. lol But I did discover Blinding Lights by The Weeknd and that song’s been making me happy. Hurricane (Reimagined) by I Prevail has hit me in the Depress and next week The Used’s new album comes out so I’m waiting for that.

Have you made any new playlists since quarantine times? If they’re on Spotify, maybe drop a link?

I haven’t made any Quarantine Playlists because ALL my music is about being isolated and depressed anyway that like... what’s the difference? 

Make a three-song-minimum playlist of songs that make you happy!

Blinding Lights // The Weeknd (also makes me think of Data because I discovered it around the same time I started watching TNG so now they Go Together) Paradise Lost // The Used Dance Monkey // Tones and I

What’s your go-to show that you like to binge watch? Why do you like that show?

Currently its Star Trek TNG - because Data And One Day at a Time because that shit hits real. 

Are there any shows that you‘ve been planning to start watching? Why do they interest you?

It was just Star Trek and I did start watching. Interested because I wanted originally to watch ST Picard because Harry Treadaway but having never seen any ST before it didnt make sense (obvs) so I went back and started watching TNG. I didn’t want to start with the original series because honestly my attention span is garbage and I just was always curious about Data and so I started with him.

What movie(s) always comforts you?

Twister, Forrest Gump, The Lion King (1994). I’m currently wearing Lion King pjs lol. Pirate Radio is a relaxing feel good movie, too. 

Are you an arts-and-crafts person? If so, what types of art/craft do you enjoy?

I try SO HARD to be lol. So far during quarantine I’ve tried crochet, I’ve tried making string bracelets as if it was 2005 and I was in 8th grade again but I forgot how to make them and my brain refuses to re-learn its too full of music, nursing school, and data now. I tried coloring and lost patience. I have been working on a Quarantine Photo-Journal. Every day I post a tiny update and a few pictures (mostly memes since i cant leave the house and several Data photos lolololol) but my printer isn’t working right all of a sudden so I can’t print out any new pictures which I guess that one project I was really enjoying is out the window.

Do you have any planned projects to work on during self-isolation? If you’ve started any and you’re willing, share a photo of what you’re working on!

Here’s a pic of page like 3 or something lol

If you had to recommend an art or craft for people to get into, what would you recommend and why?

Man. Just do what makes you happy. I saw someone on TikTok making GIANT ass Worms on Strings and honestly. Pure genius. 

What are your favorite YouTube channels? Why do you like them?

Achievement Hunter. Rooster Teeth. Markiplier. They make the funny. Various ASMR channels. They make the sleep.

What is the weirdest YouTube video you’ve ever watched?

Conspiracy Theory videos probably. I don’t really know. 

Recommend a book or book series to read!

Across the Universe trilogy by Beth Revis read it and fangirl with me I am so alone.

Are there any books that you’ve read multiple times? If you could re-read a book that you loved as if it were the very first time, what book would you choose?

The Islander by Cynthia Rylant. I don’t know why but the first time I read it it just transported me into the middle of it and it was amazing (I was like 11) and it was so mysterious and everything. I’d like to read that one like the first time. Also Living Hell by Catherine Jinks did a similar thing 

What’s your favorite book genre? Why do you enjoy it?

Science Fiction. Because I like science. and Fiction and space and robots and things. 

If you were to write a fanfiction about your own life, how would it go?

LOL The tags would be like : #depression #anxiety #ptsd #childhood abuse #adulthood abuse #i miss having sex but at least i dont wanna die #except i still do #twsuicideideation #badluck #dontread lol

What’s the best fanfiction that you’ve ever read (or the top three if you can’t choose just one )? What about it made an impression on you?

My brain hurts too much to pick a top three but I will say I am currently reading May I by @ladyfogg​ and it’s been giving me the squishy feels and I am loving it and ya’ll should read it. Her OC is relatable and also inspiring and I think at this point I don’t need to mention Data anymore. (But I did). 

Do you listen to podcasts? What kind of podcasts do you listen to?

Off Topic podcast and used to listen to RT podcast when Burnie was still on. IDK what kind of podcast that is other than ‘usually wild’ 

If you could make your own podcast, what would it be about and who would you invite to make a guest appearance?

It would be about anything and everything. I’d invite anyone for an appearance lol

Are you addicted to Animal Crossing: New Horizons? If yes, what’s your favorite thing about it so far?

Yes. My favorite thing has to be CUBE. CUBE I LOVE CUBE. I WOULD DIE FOR CUBE.

If you had to recommend ONE video game, what would it be and why?

Cube. I mean, Animal Crossing. 

Have you tried any new recipes lately? If yes (and if they were good), share it with the class! I’m sure everyone is as bored with the same old foods as I am by this point.

I am too lazy to cook even when I want to so I always end up getting take out or delivery. 

What is your favorite website to waste time on? (Is it, perhaps, tumblr?)

Tumbebells. (Tumblr yes)

How are you finding ways to stay connected with your friends and family? From video calling to playing online games, what would you say has worked the best for you?

Nothing. I’m sitting here wallowing in deep loneliness and it’s killing me. It’s just my grandma and my cat and that’s why I can’t go out or work (I am a Patient Care Associate and I know the hospitals could use help but my grandma is 83 years old and it’s too high of a risk for her for me to be working in a hospital and coming home from there). 

If you have pets, first of all share some photos! Second, how have you been spending your time with them?

LOLA. L-O-L-A LOLA. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LOLA She doesn’t leave me alone. Her new trick has been LAUNCHING her 7lb body on to my back while I’m standing and pretending she’s my goddamn backpack. And earlier today she decided to pull the socks out of my sock drawer. Because she loves me. 

Share your general quarantine experience so far. How are you handling it?

Bad. I often forget to take my meds, we’ve been on “spring break” from nursing school this week so I have 0 sense of time and no routine and I’ve sometimes been going to bed at 4am, sometimes 4pm, sleeping until like 9-11 regardless and I spend 95% of the day in bed. I can’t be bothered to change, sometimes can’t be bothered to really eat, and I care 0% about showering and Doing Anything. lol 

I mean it’s been great guys. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I’m lovin’ it!

I did somehow loose 2lbs without trying tho. That’s a total of 7.8lbs lost since March. Only 125 more to go BUT THE GYM IS CLOSED AND IT HAS BEEN COLD AND RAINING.

I’ll shut up.

I tag @lyrslair​, @ladyfogg​ @datalaur​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it even tho its really long and I fucked up the layout so instead of 25 questions they’re ALL NUMBER 1. lol 

[alotta-lovin]

1-10, 21-30, 45-55, 65-80 and 90-100! And to clear up confusion so u won't forget like last time by - I mean those and everything in between B)

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

That fucking thing is barricaded. and i mean with boxes, pillows and spare blankets that i take on and off my bed–

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

No?? Sometimes? only if i didnt bring my own shampoo and conditioner– thats the only reason.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

IN.

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

Does stealing the pole count?

5: Do you like to use post-it notes?

Not really i only really use them as like— book marks or for tiny drawings to put around the house.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

no

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

fucking let the bear take me. i love bees and all but im fucking allergic to that shit and id rather not die that way.

8: Do you have freckles?

Yes. Everywhere. Moles too.

9: Do you always smile for pictures?

no– not always. im the person i smile all the time. and most of the time its not a real smile so when im smiling in pictures unless im actually happy its a fake smile, thus i consider it a no. or i pull a deadpan and just look at the camera annoyed.

10: What is your biggest pet peeve?

PEOPLE WHO FUCKING CHEW WITH THEIR  MOUTH OPEN OR TALK WITH THEIR  MOUTH FULL AND DONT COVER THEIR MOUTH TO BE RESPECTFUL.

21: Whats your least favorite movie?

Lights out? Don’t breathe? i have a fair few.

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

Why though? but if i had to choose i guess with myself when i die. and that means its being turned to ashes with me. BOOM.

23: If you’re a girl, bra size? If you’re a guy, pants size?

Okay for someone who is dysphoric as hell and also is just as confused about what genderbullshit is this really made me just “hhhhhhh” but i also dont care? im a 34B. and maybe a size 9 or so in pants?

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?\

Ketchup

25: What is your favorite food?

FRENCH FRIES.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

Cats Dont Dance, Grease, Mama Mia, Ghostbusters

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?

My mom?

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

No

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

Its the human body. people really need to stop just thinking of it in a sexual way, its honestly just skin and parts. it doesnt matter. so i dont know.

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

1st through 3rd grade we were all assigned a person over seas that was serving our country while we gave them a care package.

45: Ever watch soap operas?

N O

46: Are you afraid of heights?

Not really

47: Do you sing in the car?

Fuck yeah

48: Do you sing in the shower?

Hell yeah

49: Do you dance in the car?

Only if im in the passenger seat.

50: Ever used a gun?

Yep and im a deadshot too.

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

It was a family portrait and i was 10 or younger

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no

53: Is Christmas stressful?

Yes. i don’t like Thanksgiving or Christmas all that much due to bad memories and the fact that it was basically ruined every year for me by family

54: Ever eat a pierogi?

more than likely because of my mom but i don’t remember

55: Favorite type of fruit pie?

Fruit pies— huh…. dont think i have one

65: Nike or Adidas?

Vans

66: Cheetos Or Fritos?

Cheetos

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Sunflower Seeds are the bomb

69: Ever take dance lessons?

No

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

No?

71: Can you curl your tongue?

Yes and i can tie a cherry stem with my tongue too.

72: Ever won a spelling bee?

No up until 2013 i barely knew how to read let alone type.

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

OKAY LISTEN. IF SOMEONE MAKES ME SOMETHING OR BUYS ME SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY WANT TO AND ITS SOMETHING I LIKE OR SOMETHING THEY THINK WILL MAKE ME HAPPY AND SEND IT TO ME I FULL ON FUCKING CRY CAUSE I DONT UNDERSTAND THE FEELING OF HAPPY.

like for example, the first pictures i posted on this blog of me n’ Cronus, @curvy-roses made those for me and sent them to me while i was in a call with @the-jackals and i started crying full on because i dont understand wtf happy feels like and it scares me and sends me into a panic attack

74: Own any record albums?

Yeah i do actually original ones too

75: Own a record player?

Sadly not yet i gotta get it to play said records

76: Regularly burn incense?

Yep, Dragons Blood mostly

77: Ever been in love?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I DUNNO.

(Sarcasm at its finest but the art is a commission from @curvy-roses)

78: Who would you like to see in concert?

Everyone i wanna see in concert is either old and not doing them anymore or is dead

79: What was the last concert you saw?

it was a country concert and it sucked everyone was drunk off their ass and it didnt help it was at a statium where tHEY FUCKING WOULDNT LET YOU SIT IN SEATS OR BRING YOUR OWN SEATS SO YOU WERE SITTING IN THE GRASS AND PEOPLE WERE STEPPING ON YOU—-

80: Hot tea or cold tea?

90: Can you knit or crochet?

Crochet

91: Best room for a fireplace?

bedroom? or living room? ONE OF THOSE

92: Do you want to get married?

Yeah i would and do

93: If married, how long have you been married?

Not married— unless yer talking with Cro and thats not for a couple years so

94: Who was your HS crush?

Didnt go to highschool o v o

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

N O ID GET MY FUCKING ASS BEAT AND IF SOMEONE ELSE DOES THAT AROUND ME IT MAKES ME WANNA PUNCH THEM AND GIVE THEM A REASON TO CRY FUCKIN HELL

96: Do you have kids?

n o

97: Do you want kids?

yes and no

98: Whats your favorite color?

Rainbow

99: Do you miss anyone right now?

lots of people

F U CK IN THERE YA GO

i did the thing and now i dunno what else to do so ye

[kyandice]

CANDICE EDIT THIS UGLY SHIT WHEN U HAVE THE FUCKING TIME

this is an ugly unedited one it has been in my drafts for like 2 months already. so whatever i just posting it. ill edit it if i have the time. thins is is i actually edited half way and MY FUCKING COMPUTER FUCKING CRASHED SO I GAVE UP  and yeahhh ill just post this ugly unedited one and ill edit it again WITH PROPER ENGLISH WHEN I HAVE THE TIME. idk i just cqnt see stuff in my drafts i just havre to post it and yewah wtf.

this unedu=ited stuff is just me writing key poiunts about my day and not like urghhhhhhh i hate this commmmmm. normally i would describe more but i dont want it in my drafts anymore so ill edit it when im free OKAYYYY.

1/3 

Hahahahahah lmao this was the date when i got tgt with K 3 years ago.(omg i still rmb, but tbh its nth special i just rmb useless stuff pretty well)  Never wanted to date a guy again even i with crushes back in sec sch. but anyways, today i went to Sentosa w/ B and he seemed to really like the artificial fiels alot but it was like in the afternoon so it was still kinda hot and yeahhhh. Like it would be much nicer at night. There will be like alot of stars and fireworks too and it will be more windy and cooling idk but it will be nicer at night and i want to spend the night w/ B there again. Oh yeah anyways ystd B bought me the batgirl lego keychain and B told me that batgirl had sex with batman and im shoooked.

2/3 and like today we planned to go to his house anddd then go to parkway parade to some lego secret chambers shop. i went out early cuz my junior wanted to pass me her lego characs but she couldnt make it so i was alr at bishan so i just went to tpy and wait for bryan o wake and meet me so i called him at 11am but he woke up and shouted at me so i just like nvmmmm so i went to the library and went window shopping around tpy and i also went popular 1pm i didnt want to call him up but i was like ugh nvm and called him.. and yay he finaally woke up wna read tuesday with morrie, all the fifty shades of grey and in grey's pov n miss peregrine's home for peculiar children but we still went to parkway parade anyays and he asked me to watch letters from iwo jima so i watched it at night and bryan wanted to watch the breakup list on toggle but it kept playing ads and it just wouldnt play the video so b got alittle pissed 3/3 logan, training (our 8th movie)

4/3 finishing crocheting my first thinggg the bear thing shoud i give it to bryan would he want it so today b was vvvv kinda excited this video thing with ck and cez and im like vvv happy for him cuz he can do smthing he rlly likes with cool n funny ffriends. also he said that he didnt want us to go public at first cuz he was afraid that ppl might tease us he said he was afraid i might be ffrustrated but tbh i was hella frustaratred i dont see the point of hiding our rship but im glad werre like opene now and so at night i went to ikea and b messaged me but i was busyt walking and i didnt recieve his msg but i didnt like lock my phone so it was read. but like it was in my pockets and like my mom doesnt allow me to play my phine whenever im walking but yeah anyways b was angry hat i didnt reply him. we sorta quarreled awhile but we were kinda okay after that i guess. wtf sia today midnight i have to distribute stuff to the homeless ppl in bugis and i was wearing a short paanyts and my mom tied this weird looking scarf i swear i look like some carzy hobo youngster wtf.

5&6/3 sneaked out of house, slept over at his house and after that i went to tpy first while he showers, ate and went home early to pack for camp stuff wna stay over at his house again it was fun we tried to watch moanna but was kinda sleepy

7/3 day 1 of camp. slept with b outised tgt

8/3 day 2 of camp (-met javier and sihui -every camps i go i get very angry -shoulder, water balloon) larn cpr and aed the skit thing worst grp ever

9/3 day 3 of camp water activities we won

10/3 tkd training

11/3

-wtf nxt week go msia (wanted to go work) -quarreled with bteh. cuz i cant go out but he wants me to go out -yyour suffering defines you without it yore a void -japan and korea with bryan -my parents -i want more lego charac -money - i cant wait for tmr for ilighhtsss i want to take like alooot pictures tgt with bryannnn styled hair -nicole choo idk why im still so insecure like i know pretty clearly that im decent looking. decent looking enough to make friends, have a job and not get ostracised in society. and well if you arent good looking enough you'll be made fun off/ostracised in society and thats how humans work. and now everywhere you see are pretty girls and how can any girls feel not insecure. Okay, i have a flat and fat nose. i want to have a sharper and thinner nose like michelle. i have pretty small boobs and i want boobs like naomi. my shoulders are too wide from playing softball, i want a smaller width shoulders like grace. my tummy isnt flat i want a flat tummy. and thing is those are pretty famous girls in like sg and im not even talking abt kim kard or emma wats or like jennifer lawr. omg i dont even know where im going with this im just literally typing all my thoughts down. okay and the boys here???? they all follow those people and im pretty sure they compare them over the normal girls in sch. omg what am i even talking abt. i feel silly even typing this out. but okay if your beauty standards doesnt reach like the norm in society you srsly wouldnt have friends. unless youre realllll rich or your sense of humor is rlly rlly great.

12/3 didnt quarrel but we  were obv upset with each other it was a fun day tho when to see i lights took alot pictures ate llaollao no money

20/3 best s ever went home after it bteh gg aunts house today

his flight will be tmr 21/22 job interview got the job bryaan in flight abt cosplay how i dont have frinds

25/03 bryan found my private twitter accnt                                    bteh tole me abt a girl he liked when he was in korea idk if anyone realised but ive got a really really really bad habit. its weird really. but its a thing ive been doing since young and i never talked to anyone about it before. so actually, when im nervous, or stressed out, or just couldnt take my mind off smthing, i would like start peeling or plucking my nails. okay many people do this but, i ahve a weirder one andddd omg i think i will regret saying this. So actually, i pluck i my hair when im nervous, stressed out or just thinking abt smthing i cant ignore. so back in primary 4 i was doing this math practice paper and i couldnt do any those 6marks big problem sums and i was fking stressed out. and well my habit of plucking my own hair started really really young. and at P4 my mom saw me crying

26 toc competition firdst fight win second fight lose how i dont wna fight nationals cuz my weight cat all got national player lose my chance to win gold cant even get silver r came today

29/ power rangers

30 wanted to go coney island with rapheal and jill and bryan but it rained so we went to lan and gamed without jill bryan pushed me and i banged into someone in the end see museums some forest thing the ligths vvv pretyy

28/hotel

31/ hotel went to work after that talk about work made bryan that key chain clp diner and dance

1/4 learn bst bts for club crawl played boomberang didnt workkk aot is out!!!!!!

2/4 today i need to go mountbatten cc to practice my poomsae my poomsae lousy i dont think i can pass at first try anyways president of stf is milan quey idk if i spelt his name properly but yeah. before that ate yellow sub with B will nvr eat there again portion is small yet expensive and food isint so nice at all but since i get to eat with b im vvvv gladdd

3/4 today i went early to B's house. after that met up with madeline and shirlyn to watch boss baby and the movie was quite nice i thought i wouldnt like it and then we ate pepper lunch and omg osaka is a vvv small place like shirlyn went evrywhere i visited like a a year ago

4/4 AND I WOKE UP WITH BTEH lose his doibok and he couldnt find it my maid threathened to take a mail for my mom cuz she lazy walk and she wants me to do it but i was late

5/4 there was demo training we played table tennis for awhile and bteh is good at it, ok maybe its just that i suck at it but yea theres was fmo so we slacked at tg until demo tng started so at night he said hes tired but idk that he wanted to sleep soon and he was like stop it and i was like stop wat but he ttly just shut me off and then i got pissed cuz i would nvr do that to him

6/4 i had to meet herman but like after meeting him timetable i realised i forget to bring my wallet somethimes im torn in beteen like just not gg out with bteh cuz i have no money to eat or spend his money again he keeps saying its okay but its really not okay im just not comfortable like someone spending so much on me i owe money so he told me his specs broke ttly

One of the things dreams do for us is prepare us for worse case scenario. The dream that is closest to reality about a loved one leaving us prepares the mind for the pain that can be inflicted upon us. It creates a probability. That means it could happen, it means it’s a fear you have, and being such your mind protects your psyche in a way to allow you to feel the emotions of the event, even though the event never occurred.

13 reasons why felt like  th main charac like back in sec sch all i wanted was just to finish my olevels and go to poly so i can be a whole new person. someone who i wanted to be withouht anyone laughing at me

1au away from sol 1au measurement unit like light or smthing sol is latin from sun porbbaly it