#i mean theres a few things but then we have the opposite problem where I'm not as into it as they are

[rainbowgothdisaster]

i was being so totally completely normal about diana to my brother which i obviously followed up with comics and "harley quinn kinnie moment"

[snwusberry]

「 misbehave 」

pairing: san x reader

genre: angst (i think...)

warning(s): toxic relationship, suggestive themes, language

note: this is not written to glorify or romanticize toxic relationships nor do i associate this character with san in any way.

THIS IS FICTION SO THE PERSONALITY OF THE CHARACTER WILL NOT MIRROR THAT OF THE ACTUAL PERSON.

| y/n |

fucked up is one way do describe what's going on. my friend even said i lost my damn mind and i agree but whats the fun in being cautious anyway? i mean sure my emotions are just messed up now but its too late to change anything now so what's the point?

"you did not just schedule a d*ck appointment in my presence. i just know you didn't." my friend, claire, comments loudly as she was munching on some nasty ass sweet potato fries.

"no i didn't you moron. we're just going to talk." i answered her makimg her give me a judgemental look before scoffing.

she knows. we both do.

"sweetie, your little talks always end up in fights then you somehow end up in each other's bed. can't you see that man is a walking red flag?"

that's one thing she's not right about. san isn't the big bad wolf my friends and family paint him as. he's sweet, mindful, caring. when we're together, we both just bring out the worst in each other.

"don't you have your own problems to handle with blaise?" i asked her trying to shift the topic onto her and her own bad decisions. all i hear is the sound of the leaves on the trees rustling in the soft wind. "you see? you have no space to talk."

"yeah, yeah okay. but don't come to me crying again." she sulks in her seat and continues eating.

"look. i've gotta go now. i'll see you later okay?"

"be careful, okay."

i nod and stand up to leave.

i take my keys and drive to the place i've sworn so many times not to go to, yet i always find myself at the same place each time.

i knock on the door and wait a while. i hear footsteps approach and the door opens revealing the one and only choi san. i sigh and look at him, try to gather myself and my words.

i've rehearsed what i wanted to say on my way here and i'm determined to tell him exactly what i want to. but then again, how many times has this happened? i should know its no use.

"can i come in?" i ask and he says nothing. he just moves aside fo me to enter.

i walk in and sit down as he closes the door. he comes and sits down on the sofa opposite the one i'm on but he doesn't say anything.

its radio silence. the only sound coming from the radio softly playing music. i look at the table where he has his laptop set up with a few papers messily put next to it.

i remember back to when he would have late nights chasing deadlines and i'd be there with him with my own assignments to complete.

although we'd both have our own wrok to do, we'd still goof around and be each other's company. i miss those days.

"are you not gonna say anything?" i asked him, not daring to look at him.

"what do you want me to say?" he asked, leaning back in the sofa.

"you invited me here. i thought you had something to tell me."

"i do. its just... i don't know..."

"then let me say something." i tell him and he looks at me. i immediately freeze up.

he really doesn't know the power he holds does he?

"i wanna go back to the old us."

i wanna punch myself in the face. that's not what i came here to say.

"you know thats impossible right? we've done too much damage, theres no way to fix this." he states bluntly. maybe a little too blunt.

"how would you know?"

"y/n how wouldn't i? everyone can see it, it's about time you open your eyes to see it too."

i can already feel the tears threatening to spill. i know all this already, i was just never ready to accept it, i guess now is the time.

i look down, shutting my eyes in attempt to regain my composure.

"i see it. i see it a little too clearly but why not try?"

"because we're too far gone! yes we still love each other but it's damaged and there's no amount of fixing that can be done to get it back to how it once was!" he tells me, raising his voice.

i hate it. i hate it so much how he's gone from only speaking to me in such a soft voice, never even attempting to raise his voice at me, to that being one of the only ways he talks to me.

"you're right." i take a breath, wiping the tears that have fallen. "it is tainted. i want all this to end. i dont want us to keep hurting each other like this. i really do want it to end but that would mean we'd have to end this relationship and i don't want to let it go. i don't wanna lose you."

this is far from where i wanted this to go. i'm not supposed to be be crying, i was supposed to end it and i was supposed to me out that door with my remaining dignity yet that's not the case.

hell, is it ever?

"that's the thing. i don't wanna lose you either. i love you more than anything but everytime we try to speak we just end up fighting. it's taken a toll on us. it's not healthy."

"it's not like I want us to fight." i mumble, lowering my head.

"I don't want us to either but you just get on my nerves sometimes." he reveals, getting closer to me. my breath catches in my throat and i look up at him. my teary eyes meeting his troubled ones. "don't look at me like that. you do it on purpose don't you?" he sat right next to me.

not this again. anything but this. it's not too late. i can still stop this. i just need to say the word.

"admit it baby." he softly speaks, taking my hand in his. his hand enveloping mine perfectly.

i look at our connected hands and sigh, letting more tears fall. i can't do it.

"i love it when we misbehave."

"you're so fucked up." he said to me. his face dangerously close to mine.

he's too close now. i can't back out when he looks at me like that.

"we both are."

"and you say we can fix this when this is how you think?" he said with a sick smile on his face.

i should hate this, but i can't.

"why are you making seem like i'm the only one who feels this way?" i finally get a grip and move away, taking my hand out of his hold and i stand up. san, i need to leave."

i grab my keys and make my way to the door. before i can even reach tor the handle, he speaks up

"you'll be back tonight anyway." he said walking me out. "it was nice talking to you."

i say nothing and walk to my car not looking back.

i get in my car and look at the door where hes standing witg an unreadable expression.

not this time choi san.

once i get home, i see claire already there, watching my wife and kids.

"what are you doing here?" i ask and she turns to me.

"you know i don't have disney plus. so im here. hey can you refill my soda?"

"no."

i go to my room to get into more comfortable clothes, wiping my makeup off before walking back to the living room.

"i'm assuming you finally made the right decision seeing you didn't take long." she breaks the silence and her words take me back to what could've been.

"yeah. i have to put myself first."

"i'm proud of you."

i smile at ger and stand up to get myself a drink when claire walks into the kitchen.

"look, something came up and i gotta run. don't continue watching without me alright?"

i nod and she runs off. now i'm left alone with my thoughts. bad combo.

"you do it on purpose, don't you?"

his closeness, the look in his eyes, his voice. i need to get it out of my head.

i can't be alone, i'll make another bad decision.

i pick up my phone and dial my sister's number.

"hello?"

"tanya, can i come over?" i ask her

"uhhh... sure."

"okay, thanks. i'll see you later."

i hang up and get my stuff to leave. i get in my car and drive down the falimiar roads.

once i arrive, i walk to the front door and knock, waiting for the door to open.

"i told you you'd come back. come inside."

i sigh, walking into the house.

[thataspdfeel]

I'm curious, what are you most attracted to in your partners? Is it similar traits in all of them or different ones like their sense of humour etc.? Sorry if this is a weird question but you've said before you like when people ask about them so I thought I would.

i was so excited to get this and then forgot to answer it :/ im an idiot

also gonna put this under a cut cause this is gonna be hella long cause im a fucking romantic dork

god though i could wax poetic. they’re all so lovely. like they have traits in common but also are unique. they all have brown eyes but theyre unique. like my husband has these eyes that remind me of warm chocolate. like a chocolate fountain kind of warm chocolate. dark and smooth but reflect the light. my wife’s have tinges of gold in the irises like flecks of gold leaf. and theres a dark ring around the pupil and one around the edge of the iris. theyre fucking magical

my boyfriend’s eyes are almost black and very deep. darker than the night sky and full of warmth and mischief. but its like theyre never ending, like he can see the innermost parts of whoever he’s looking at, like your soul is written on your forehead

lmao i love eyes can you tell

they all have these goddamned sinful eyelashes and my boyfriend’s are the longest. theyre as dark as his eyes and when he’s embarrassed, he gets all shy and they brush against his cheekbones like how dare you sir. how dare you be beautiful even when youre embarrassed. i look like a fucking tomato. rude

my husband’s look gold at the tips with the way the light catches them. like yknow how fake eyelashes have purple or red at the tips? like that except gold. like what??? the fuck??? rude

they all have very soft hair though my boyfriend’s is the longest. i cant wait to get with him irl again cause i wanna braid it. he’s got a bony face and it frames it so well. it’s so dark brown its almost black and it’s fun to see him try to sweep it out of his face cause he refuses to tie it up

my husband has these wild curls. we were looking up how to take care of them and that’s how we found out hes ethnically jewish. (which makes sense considering he’s german) they get so thick and heavy and they’re so soft and lovely to nap in. which i do on a semi regular basis. its so soft and lovely and i love when he grows it out. he just doesn’t look right with shorter hair. and he has this beard that grows funny, makes him look like jedidiah if yknow what i mean. he has such a baby face without it and he loves beard scritches it’s so cute how happy he gets

bluh im bouncing all over the place i just??? love them?????? so??????????? much???????????????? there’s so much to talk about!!!

so i guess i’ll just try and make a list of the things i love about them

husband:

cheerful, bubbly, very sunny personality. the human incarnation of a very excited dog (which can be A Lot sometimes)

extremely kind. would give you the shirt off his back. often laments that he stopped carrying cash years ago every time he sees somebody who could use some despite the fact that we’re always broke

a proper southern gentleman??? like im fat so im used to people not holding doors open for me fucking ever and being really goddamned rude in general. he ALWAYS holds doors open for me, opens the car door for me both to get in and out of the car, and gets pouty if i try and carry my own bag. it’s so sweet??? ive literally never had that before and even after three and a half years, it’s still so charming

he will do literally anything the fuck i ask. he’ll say no and im like oh ok and he’ll tease like “finally! i said no! and got away with it!” just to make me giggle and then does it anyway

on this note, he also always cooks as much as absolutely possible. even though his spine gives him problems, he does his best to keep me off my leg

he’s always so concerned about my well being. like if there’s not a disability cart at the front of a store, he makes me sit down while he goes and chases one down. if im stiffer than usual due to a cold front, he’ll remind me to take pain meds every four hours

he’s trying to learn japanese because he knows i dont have anybody to practice with here in the states. just for me and not any other reason

adores animals. even if he finds a dog annoying, he’ll still fawn over it and give it as many pets as it wants and won't ever snap at it even if anybody else would. he’s got these large hands and he’s kind of clumsy but this goes away around animals. he’s just so careful and gentle like i never ever worry

drags me out of my introverted cave because he knows social interaction is also good

has introduced me to some of my favorite books and video games because he’s verious conscious about what somebody likes and works to be like “hey, i think youd like this” and is almost always correct??? amazing

has 0 sense of style but doesnt mind somebody who knows better keeping him from absolute disaster

dude is a damned good cook. ive gained like at least a solid 25 pounds since he moved in and started cooking regularly

SPEAKING OF COOKING, we met on the tail end of my anorexia when i was doing my best to recover and still slipping up. he never made me feel bad about it but always encouraged me to eat. he eats SO much (think shaggy rogers) that i always felt comfortable eating in front of him. he always reminds me to eat and asks if ive eaten that day. honestly, i wouldnt be at this level of recovery if it hadnt been for him

is amazing at caling me down holy fuck

wife:

met her first, of the three of them, ironically so ive known her the longest but been with her the shortest. we dated a few months in hs but there was a chick she wanted to date like right there (and i was in japan) so i was like oh go for it. well, they broke up and we got back together and it’s been lovely ever since

she has this snorting laugh that’s adorable to listen to and it makes me feel more comfortable laughing (because i think i sound like a damn goose)

SHE HAS SO MANY GODDAMNED FRECKLES ON HER CUTE LITTLE FACE THEY’RE ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND VERY FUN TO KISS BECAUSE SHE SQUIRMS

she has a goddamned button nose for chrissakes

and these really wide hips too like i felt bad about my hips years ago cause theyre p wide but shes adorable and has wide hips too. she kinda made me love them (even though hers are better)

she’s genderfluid so i get to be gay all across the gender spectrum (im agender) and she’s so beautiful and handsome and v amazing

we were both homestuck fans at the height of it (like we still are) but her cosplays are just really well done??? shes so talented

OH MY GOD SHE MAKES THIE CHICKEN SOUP WITH HOMEMADE NOODLES I WOULD SLAP AN OLD LADY FOR

i dont know about the rest of her cooking (sadly) due to limited time around each other but i cant fucking wait tbh. her cookies kill me tho i love them

an amazing fashion sense. im a dumpster compared to her

an amazing writer and artist and i die every time she sends me something like my soul fucking ascends

she loved me BEFORE meds which i think is amazing. like what a lovely human being yknow? im a dick without meds and she loved me anyway and i love that about her

she speaks german and she makes it sound beautiful and i cry

her singing voice is so angelic and it kills me when she sings because everybody should hear this lovely person sing

she is hyper empathetic and it makes her so lovely and kind and wonderful. she completely understands how i feel about things and why even when no one else does and is very good at de-escalating me when im upset

we’ve just known each other for something like 7 years now? like i dated her post my abusive ex and she lit up my whole world with happiness at being treated well. then her ex was abusive and just... we get each other? in a way where her husband and my other two partners dont. its a pain the others dont understand so we go to each other during these times of pain in a way we cant with other people. it’s a very special connection

she’s a goddamned goof and i love it

my boyfriend:

motherfucker is so skinny which is the opposite of me and for some reason it works?? idk like it worries me but it’s also unique. love it

we dated almost my whole senior year of hs but he broke up with me because he thought he didnt have the same depth of emotion as i did for him and didnt want to “hold me back” from somebody better. like??? can you imagine?????? how fucking kind

recently started dating again like it took him fourish years for him to realize SHIT I MADE A MISTAKE so he’s a little slow but he’s so very thoughtful

he’s a goof in a different way than the other two. dad jokes. never ending fucking dad jokes. and goddamned puns. he never stops. dont tell him i love them because then he’ll never let me tease him again (i pretend like its The Worst)

so. fucking. dramatic. always flips his hair in the sassiest way possible. its super gay (he’s bi)

he doesnt do a whole lot of romance or saying WHY he feels certain ways. he feels like it cheapens the emotion. but, on the rare occassion he doesnt let this bother him, his poetry he sends me about how he feels makes me fucking cry. it’s so beautiful. i love it

he works watering at a plant nursery and complains about how the bees always use him as a landing strip. it’s adorable

he’s so resourceful?? this is best seen when playing minecraft cause he makes some damn cool structures in some really nice places. i love playing it with him just to see what he builds and how (especially since im a boring, lets make this house a square kinda ho)

he’s so camera shy??? no selfies no skype at all. he’s so bashful and it’s super cute i love it

got me into DnD like yes thank you for this enjoyable nerdery

the sole reason i passed math in hs. like not only is he smart but hes also really good at explaining things to people? definitely a talent for teaching people things

he was my best friend for the longest time like all three of them are my best friend but he was the only one who was my best friend FIRST and then romance blossomed

like im demiromantic so i need a strong connection to fall in love like it was a solid few months of dating my husband before i began to love him. i knew my wife for awhile and got close so same general story. but my boyfriend and i were more friends to lovers and i love that about him

his dad is half italian so he talks with his hands and it’s so overdramatic that he hits people with them on a semi regular basis just gesturing. he once accidentally knocked my glasses all the way across a room cause i had walked behind him and he made a sweeping gesture. hilarious

one time, i had food poisoning and the pain was so bad, i had to crawl under his kitchen table until my mother came to take me to the base clinic. he sat with my head in his lap and brushed my hair out of my face and cooed gently at me to try and soothe me. it was so sweet and ive never forgotten about it

motherfucker, with the help of my sister, dragged me into homestuck

he’s so damn shy about affection that holdling his hand in public makes him blush. it’s even worse if i steal a kiss. fucking adorable

things all three have in common that i love:

good in bed. it sounds silly but this is important to me because while i dont necessarily need sex to form a close relationship to fall in love, it definitely helps

idk how this happened, i really dont, but somehow everything i like lines up nicely with everything they like??? and if im not into something, they can find it with each other and vise versa. lmao wtf how did this happen to line up idk

kind, generous, sweet, and helpful although all three show these qualities in different ways despite having them in common

love me??? like honestly it sounds so silly that id love that they love me but im such a flawed, terrible human being that it leaves me in deep awe that not only does one person love me but three??? how??? amazing people to find something in me to love and to keep on loving despite all my problems. beautiful

creative, smart, and inventive each in their own right. they fucking astound me and take my breath away

beautiful cuddlers (not being sarcastic, promise)

husband is a goddamned heater but boyfriend is a living block of ice. then wife is one of those who’s in between but she steals your heat and then hours later gives it back which is the worse option of the three. like it starts out all nice but then you end up surprised hours later because youre fucking dying of heatstroke

so we have two heatstroke, drowning in sweat options and then losing your limbs. it makes trying to set the thermostat a fucking nightmare

they all love to read and honestly? i couldnt be with anyone who doesnt like a good book

can hold lively, in depth discussions about things

hubby tends to lean more towards “would it be immoral to fuck a succubus” type morality questions and superhero dissection type things

wife is all over the place and can carry on a conversation about goddamned teapots if she so chose. no idea how she does it

boyfriend likes to entertain more morbid thoughts and psychology but also likes to analyze things. like homestuck. we still fucking dissect homestuck

very intelligent. blows my dumb ass out of the water. beautiful

like gaming various amounts and various kinds of games. hubs likes any and all. boyfriend likes dnd, monster hunter, minecraft etc kinds of things, not really one for cards or board games. wife prefers to craft but will occasionally engage in board games or cards, less so in video games but tends to stick to pokemon. it’s nice

they’re all very physically beautiful though in different ways. hubby is barrel chested and german with very strong arms and big hands, a bright and sunny smile. wife is small and round with tiny, artist hands and a sweet, pixie face. boyfriend is thin, long, and gaunt with pale skin and dark hair (kind of like damien from dream daddy tbh)

i could go on but ive been making this post for like well over two hours now and i figured maybe i should stop. it’s long as hell and idk if anybody else would have read this whole thing but basically i fucking adore my partners??? so much??? and there are so many things about them to love???

i just love them so much and could go on and on for hours about why i love each of them and how lovely they are and how they make me feel

ksdjrfgh im so sorry this is so long theres just so much to talk about //sweats