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coraniaid · 1 year ago

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I've been talking a little recently about the way that the show sometimes deliberately makes Xander unsympathetic, and I think The Wish is a great example of that.

I mean, it's actually kind of impressive that Xander manages to jump straight to "Look, you want to do guilt-a-palooza, fine, but I'm done with that" about ten minutes into the episode, cleverly skipping over any of the actual wallowing-in-guilt phase. Or even, as far as we see, the actual admission of guilt phase.

Yes, we know that he made a big effort in the week between Lovers Walk and The Wish to try to talk to Cordelia but, as Oz says to Willow a little earlier "I can't help feeling like the reason you want to talk is so you can feel better about yourself".

Xander certainly didn't seem particularly contrite when he was talking to Buffy and Willow earlier. Willow was talking about her plans to beg for forgiveness, but Xander was talking about kissing Willow being "a mistake" and how it "bugged him" that they were caught when it was definitely going to be the last time it happened. Nothing we hear in Xander's "sixty or seventy" answer machine messages to Cordelia -- which we see she did listen to -- contains any actual acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Maybe if he'd actually said some variant of "I'm sorry" at any point instead of just asking to talk, things would have been a little different.

And, to reiterate, I do think this is a example of the show knowingly have Xander act terribly. The Oz line I quoted above makes that obvious, I think. Indeed, Xander describing the kiss as "a mistake" must be intentionally echoing Buffy describing her kiss with Angel in Revelations as "an accident", something Xander himself was hardly sympathetic to at the time ("what, you just tripped and fell on his lips?".

We are surely not meant to be on Xander's side here.

(Which is good, because I'm not.)

This episode is really a culmination of two arcs that I'm not crazy about: the Xander/Cordelia subplot and then the Xander/Willow cheating subplot. And, having reached the end of both, I still don't think either one works. But the weaker of the two is probably the first one. It is just not credible to me that Cordelia would be attracted to Xander, and I'm not sure any amount of handwaving or headcanons is going to change that.

Yes, the show has established that Cordelia is often lonely or isolated despite her superficial popularity, and her romance with Xander kind of builds on that. I think the writers just forget (or ignore) that they've already shown us that Cordelia is capable of forming meaningful relationships with people that make her happy and don't threaten to undermine the social status she cares so much about (even if the last example of that happening was eaten by vampires way back in Season 1). The idea that she'd be happier dating somebody she has almost nothing in common with (except, possibly, a shared childhood history that is only ever hinted at) -- somebody who is barely even civil to her in all the times we see them on screen-- is just not serious.

And the show itself is never sure if it's being serious about their relationship: it never really moves beyond the punchline it was in What's My Line?. So there's a kind of bathos to the whole thing at the end: yes, it's sad that Cordelia got her heart broken, but the show was still playing her feelings for Xander as a joke as late as the Season 3 opener.

On the other hand, I know a lot of people dislike the Xander/Willow cheating subplot on an almost visceral level -- I've seen people talk about how it feels wrong and it's not enjoyable to watch, and I'd agree with that -- but I think that reaction is mostly (maybe even entirely) deliberate. We're meant to think that what Willow and Xander are doing is wrong and inappropriate and foolish. We aren't exactly supposed to be rooting for Xander and Willow to end up together at this point. We're not meant to think they have good chemistry. That ship sailed at least a season ago.

And as a vehicle for breaking up Xander and Cordelia ahead of her departure to Angel, and as a tool for commenting on Buffy's own secret-keeping with Angel that takes place over the same few episodes -- which, really, is all this particular subplot is at the end of the day -- I think it works well enough.

What I'm a little less persauded by is whether it makes sense for either Xander or Willow as characters, especially since Becoming Part 2 seemed to mark the end of Willow's unrequited attraction for Xander pretty firmly. On balance, I suppose it's not too out of character for either of them, even if it doesn't paint either of them in a particularly flattering light (Xander is so shallow that he finally notices how attractive Willow is the first time he sees her in a flattering outfit; Willow thinks resorting to magic is a more sensible approach to her romantic problems than talking about it to literally any of her friends). It's not too hard to believe it. But that doesn't mean I like it.

My more serious complaint is that, after this episode, the Xander/Cordelia split will see Cordelia self-exiled from the Scooby Gang too. That feels like a waste, to me. But at least she'll get to fufill her dream of moving to LA next season and put Sunnydale behind her for good, after which nothing bad will ever happen to her again.

#btvs #buffy rewatch 2023 #(and no I won't be rewatching Angel)

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catxsnow · 4 years ago

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ADMIT IT D.W.

Summary: You crush on the great Boy Wonder was a little more than obvious

Warning: Older!Damian fLiRtInG

A/N: Damian is like early twenty’s here.

GIF not mine

Word count: 2k

It was a stormy night in Gotham. Rain poured from the dark sky and thunder boomed continuously. It seemed like any other night in that dreaded city. Day in day out, nothing but clouds and overcast. It was like the sun never shined in that city. If this was God's cruel punishment against the city, then you couldn't blame him.

Between the crime rates, the horrible citizens, and the corrupt police force, Gotham was no sanctuary. It was a city made for sinners, thugs, and those unfortunate few who had no chance of escape. You hated Gotham, you hated it enough to try and fight against the dreaded nights and sorrow days.

You worked by yourself, but it wasn't a surprise if part of Batman and crew showed up to your fight scene. They allowed you to continue your fight against crime as a vigilante, but they didn't dare trust you enough to take down important missions on your own. Sometimes you appreciated their help, most times, it was a nuisance.

It had been only a few years since you started this gig. Slowly at first, taking down petty thefts and drunk assholes. Then you started reaching the bigger leagues, the crime lords and mobsters. Soon, you became popular enough to be within Batman's radar.

The night was quiet, despite the loud thunder that rolled across the clouds. You saw the outline of Robin standing along the building edge. His cape flowed in the wind and his shadow cast upon the city as lightening struck behind him. You scoffed to yourself, but nonetheless flipped over to him.

"Dramatic much?" you asked. Judging by Robin's build, his voice, even the way he moved, you guessed that he had to have been around your age. At least, he was the closet out of all the others. You were nearing twenty-one, just shy of being able to buy your own drinks.

"Quiet out there tonight, huh?" You asked as he didn't reply. Robin seemed to tolerate you, nothing more, nothing less. He spoke very few extra words than needed and always had a snarky tone. You couldn't tell if that was because of his facade, or if that was who he really was.

Even so, after working with him several times, you couldn't help but be attracted to him. His voice, his actions, the way that he beat the ever living hell out of douchebags. Robin finally turned to face you, jumping down from the small ledge that he once stood.

"It is," he agreed. Truth be told, around you - it was an act. He would never admit that he enjoyed time with you. "That doesn't mean that you need to come bother me."

"But you're my favourite person to bother," you approached him. Damian stood still as you dragged your gloved hands up his chest and rested them at the bottom of his neck. "Why can't you just admit that you like my little visits."

"Because then I'd be falling into Batman's footsteps with Catwoman," Robin scoffed. He would never allow himself to admit that he did enjoy seeing you on the rooftops. Most times when he was on his own, he wished that you would show up to see him, even if it was just a coincidence.

His eyes would linger on you, the suit you wore was tight around every perfect curve of your body. Even the way you swaggered towards him like you knew god damn well that any man watching was eyeing you up. Damian wanted his eyes to be the only ones on you.

"Ugh," You rolled your eyes. You had a few run ins with Catwoman, none of them ending well. "I'm nothing like her. She's a thief, I fight for the good guys. I'm on your side, it's okay to admit it." You took another step closer to him so your chests touched.

You had a bad habit of shamelessly flirting with him. Robin was well aware of your attempts to flirt with him - and if he was any good at it he would have flirted back. Instead, his words came out cryptic. You often were confused by what he was feeling - his body was relaxed near you but his words said otherwise.

"Come on, Robin. Just one little word, just admit it," a Cheshire grin covered your cheeks as you stood on your toes. Your lips just barely brushed against his before pulling away. Fuck, did Damian want to pull you in, to kiss your properly after all these months of teasing him like this. You never gave him the satisfaction of what your lips truly felt like.

Damian's shoulders stiffened. He knew very little about you. Hell, he didn't even know your name, where you came from, how old you were. Yet, without knowing anything about you, he still found himself wanting to agree to your pleas. To admit that he enjoyed your company was to admit that he liked you. How could he like someone without even knowing them?

"I'll get you one day," you promised him. Damian watched as you backed away from him. The sway in your hips was entrancing and he couldn't look away. You stood up on the ledge that he was previously at. With a wink in his direction, you flipped off and soared down. Damian's breath caught in his throat, worried that you were going to fall to your death.

Not even a second later, you came flying back up again. A grappling gun was secured in the palm of your hand and your laugh echoed through the stormy night. Damian furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at his belt. You had stolen the grappling gun from him. Had you just used him to get the tech? Or did you genuinely want him to admit that he liked your visits? He wouldn't know.

"Fuck." Me.

Damian wished that he could get you out of his head. As Robin, as himself, he couldn't do it. He spent hours at night thinking about you, who you really were. He wanted to meet you, the real you. He tried finding out who you were, but you were careful - careful enough for Batman to have not figured it out yet.

He wanted to see you again. At night, he searched for you rather than searching for crime. He needed to see you again. This ache in his chest was driving him crazy and seeing you again was the only thing that was going to fix it. Damian was only frustrated by these feelings, he didn't want them to affect his everyday life but here he was.

It was over a week since your last encounter. He hadn't seen you, or any signs that you were even out on the streets. Damian was getting worried about you, he always saw that you were protecting the city at least once every few days. It was far too long to have no signs at all.

Damian overlooked the city from one of the tallest buildings in Gotham. It was stormy out again, this time the rain pounded against his skin, soaking him to the bone. He was cold, miserable, and was ready to call it a night and head back home.

"The Boy Wonder," a voice from behind him spoke. Damian nearly sighed in relief at the sound of your voice. He spun around to see you leaning against one of the arches. The grappling hook that you stole from him was tightly secured around your waist. He looked down at it. "Sorry, I don't exactly have the money to get one of my own, figured you'd have lots."

You weren't wrong. There were tons in the batcave, he just wasn't particularly excited to tell Batman that you had taken one from him. You strolled up to him, wiping some of the water that drenched your face off. It was useless, the rain wouldn't stop.

Damian noticed the stitches that laced up your cheek. His hand went up to your face, skimming just below where you had been cut. "What happened?" He asked, concern in his voice.

"Didn't realize you cared, Robin," you joked. As he moved his hand once more, you winced in pain. He went to lower his hand but you placed yours on top, forcing him to stay there. "Got myself into some trouble right after I saw you last. Thought I could take them, pulled out of pair of brass and well..." you trailed off. "It was nothing bad. Just a cut and some bruises. Had to stay home for a few days."

So, he was right to be worried. You were fine now, but what about the next time? What about the time that you aren't going to make it out with such ease?

"I'm fine, now," You told him, as if you were reading his thoughts. The brief look of sadness in your eyes was instantly replaced. "Better now that I'm with you.” You tried to reach for another one of his weapons but Damian was too quick. He latched onto your hand before you could steal something else of his.

You tried to interlock your fingers but, Damian pulled away and he once again went back to his rigid form. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were up here looking for me." You gestured to the high skyline and then looked back at Robin.

"I was looking to see if there was any criminal activity," Robin corrected. Lies. He was looking for you, but he wasn't going to tell you that. "But I am glad to see you aren't dead."

"Why because you'd miss me?" You teased. You jumped around him, flipping here and there to get some of the pent up energy released. Being forced to stay at home had you going stir crazy. However, with the rain making the roof top more slippery, you had lost you footing and nearly fell right off the edge. Robin had grabbed your wrist just in time, pulling you with so much force that you landed into his chest.

"Because you owe me," he referred to the grappling hook. He didn't mind you keeping it. "Twice, now."

"Mhmm, I could make up for it, right now. Up here, on this rooftop, with no one around," you suggested. The only reason that he knew you weren't completely serious was the joking tone in your voice. Yet, he swore he could feel your finger traceing his chest plate right on his skin. His thigh trapped between your legs, and you were nearly begging for attention. "Just the two of us."

He was tempted. God, was he tempted. Damian didn't care if anyone would show up, he would gladly accept your offer. But he couldn't, he knew he couldn't. So, as much as he wanted to, he denied. You pouted at him, which had made it even harder for him to decline your idea.

"Come work with Batman and I," Robin suddenly countered your offer. "The tech, the protection, at least someone will have your back so this doesn't happen again."

You pulled away from him. Batman had already offered to become a part of his team. You were sure he had a stickler for having young kids under his wing but you weren't eager to become one of them. It was easier to work alone, at least that way you would never have guilt of messing up with them.

"It was nice seeing you again, Robin," you had done the exact same thing as last time, flipping off the roof to dive into the streets. This time however, as you left, the playful smile wasn't on your face, but a frown. Were you really that offended to be working with a team? Damian was sure that you would have jumped on the opportunity to be able to see him more.

Damian frustratingly sighed. He ran a hand through his soaked hair. What was it going to take for you to join him? He just wanted you safe. Damian would never be able to forgive himself if you died while trying to save the city because you couldn't agree to work with him.

Avoiding Robin was easier said than done. Firstly, you didn't want to avoid him, you wanted to be there with him, teasing him like you always did. Secondly, between him, the Bats, and the others, it was near impossible to get anything done without being spotted by them. Yet, you managed.

Not being able to see Robin made you realize how much you actually liked him. It wasn't just playfully flirting, but a hope that he would in fact be able to recognize your affection. You wanted to know who he was, as a real person not as some side kick of Batman. Whoever was hiding under the mask was your number one goal to find out.

Maybe the only way to do that, was to join him.

You didn't want the pressure that being on a team came with. People relying on you? No, that wasn't something you were ready for. But maybe, with their help you could be ready for it. Maybe if they were so adamant on you joining, then they needed you just as much as you needed them.

So, instead of avoiding Robin, you searched for him. It had been weeks since you had seen him last. The gap in your visits was hard on you. It made you wonder how you could care for someone who you didn't even know. Robin thought the same thing, you just weren't aware of it.

"You must be getting tired of this rain too," You nearly jumped at the voice from behind you. Robin was leaning against a pillar with his arms crossed over his chest and a satisfied look on his face. Finally, he found you. He just wasn't aware that you let him find you, you wanted to see him again.

"By this point. I'm used to it," You answered. "Besides, getting to see you all wet like this? Mmm, that's a treat all in itself." You dragged a hand through his wet hair, having to stand up on your toes to even be able to reach. God, did you love when he got flustered to the point of not knowing what to say.

"It's been a while," Robin stated. You shrugged at him, pretending that the time that you spent away didn't bother you. Of course it did, but seeing the disappointed look on his face that you didn't seem to care? That was worth it.

"I was busy," You nonchalantly informed, waking away from him and back into the rain. It was true, you did have several busy nights but for the most part, things had been quiet, boring even. "Who do you think put Two-Face back in Arkham?"

"I figured as much," Robin stalked back over to you. He stood right by your side, brushing against your suit.

"You miss me?" You smirked up at him. He should have expected that question, you asked it nearly every time. However, the tone in your voice, the way that you were holding yourself up, it caught him off guard. You were genuinely wanting him to say that he had missed you - and after all these times that he denied it - he admitted it.

"Yes."

You looked up at him in shock. Robin always found a way to change the subject or come up with some sort of quip that ensured you that he didn't miss you when you disappeared. You could always tell that he was lying when he denied it but hearing him finally admit that he missed you meant everything to you.

Damian finally looked down to you. He didn't mean to blurt out the answer but he couldn't hide the truth any longer. Seeing you was always the highlight of his night, he couldn't deny that any longer.

"I want to see you, as much as I can," Damian continued on. He was surprising himself by these words, it was rare that he spoke of his emotions. "These little visits, they're not enough for me any longer. I need to see you, to fill this void in my chest when I'm not with you. Come work with me, please."

You were nearly as shocked by his words as he was. Robin never uttered a word of how he cared for you, how he craved to see you. Hearing him say this was everything that you ever wanted to hear. You cared for him, but could never accept that he cared for you back, he never proved it to you that he did.

After a moment of silence, Damian began to panic. Did you not feel the same way? Was the flirting just a trick? A game? No, it couldn't be.

Damian watched as you reached up towards your face, peeling of that mask that covered half your face. You met his eyes when your face was bare, revealing who you were and what you truly looked like. Damian was in awe of your beauty, everything about you was just as perfect as he had imagined.

"(Y/N)," You told him. "(Y/N) (L/N). I proved to you that I care enough about you, now prove to me that you care enough for me to join." You didn't expect him to do the same action as you - maybe one day but not yet. However, you also didn't expect what he actually did, either.

Damian kissed you.

His hands cupped the sides of your face, wishing that he didn't have these gloves on so he could feel you. Rain drops raced down your skin, between your lips that parted when needing a breath of air. Bodies pressed so close together that nothing could have broken you apart.

He kissed you with all this pent up desire that you constantly left him with. The worry that he had for you when you were on the streets by yourself. The neediness that he felt every time he was near you. He kissed you like he had cared about you for years.

Damian pulled away from you, his fingers still resting your facing. He rested his forehead against yours. This small taste of getting what he wanted didn't come close to fulfilling his desires. He needed you, constantly.

"I'll join you, Boy Wonder," you spoke barely above a whisper. "Just admit that you've been wanting to do that since the day we met because I've wanted you to do that since then."

"I admit it."

#damian wayne #damian wayne imagine #damian wayne oneshot #damian wayne x reader #older!damian #dc imagine #dc one shot #dc #batfam #batfam imagine #fluff #batman

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writersperpetualblock · 5 years ago

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Breakfasts in a broken home.

A/N; Cuz I’ve got a major crush on older men. This was originally written as a Jeffrey Dean Morgan × Reader thing but halfway through I changed my mind to my very neglected baby Chris Evans of whom I never write anything. So here is.

Summary; How much can a broken marriage hold when there is nothing left to hold on to? You can try to ignore it, you can try to run from it. But the truth will always catch up to you.

Warnings: Sensitive topics such as depression, malnutrition and divorce.

••••••○

Reader PoV.

Waking up was hard, the air felt chilly even when the sun was already high up in the sky. A soft sigh escaped me as I turn around, half expecting my husband to be lay sleeping by my side. Half expecting him to be on the other side of the country, working.

Not surprisingly enough I find the second one to be the truth. Neither confusion nor disappointment drowned me anymore, now it felt more like a huge wave of empty crashed inside me. Just last night he had gone to sleep on this bed, craddling me in his arms, even after our heated fight. I closed my eyes, and without warning a tear escapes me. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, I knew he'd always be trapped in tons of work and have important things to take care of all the time. It was just sad that I wasn't one of those things anymore.

I could not gather the strength to get out of bed. I simply couldn’t. Not today. Not without my Chris.

Someone slowly knocked on the door. I was quick to wipe the tears from my eyes, hoping anyone would come through the door but my son.

“Come in” A skinny girl pushes the door open and enters the room head down. I was never a fan of having maids, but Chris insisted he wanted to give me the best care whenever he was away. And after a while of what would have been very lonely weeks at a time, I came to appreciate their company.

“Joan” I acknowledge the girl just a few years younger than me and with a baby boy near my owns age. She carried a tray in her hands and much to my dismay I sat up and instructed her to leave it on the night stand. She did so and gave me a small but bright smile.

“Mrs Evans, the kids asked earlier if they could go to the town’s annual fair that's taking place in a few hours. Of course Matteo wished to come ask you himself but I told him you were still asleep“ her brown eyes scan me, as if trying to decide what my reaction is going to be.

“I don’t see why not.” I try to give her a smile “Thanks Joan, you may take them yourself. I'll give you some money for the boys. Buy icecream, cotton candy or whatever they want and bring them back for dinner, all right?”

She nodded and walked out of the room with a smile. Then her head popped at the door again. “I will get them ready now and I'll tell Mateo to come say hi before he leaves.” She trailed off, seemingly unsure of her next words “He has not seen you out of bed in days Y/n.”

My eyebrows rise at that, and she closes the door behind her. Can't be mad when she's telling the truth, but the reprimand isn't exactly appreciated.

Taking one look to my breakfast I sigh, I didn’t feel much like eating today. But with Joan's words pounding in my head, I knew I needed some strength. If not for me for my son. But before anything else I reached for my phone to send out a single text.

: Where did you go?

As I awaited a response I slowly got out of bed and heade to the bathroom between dizzy steps, trying to recall the last time I had more than a granola bar and chocolate to eat. Not being surprised by the fact that I didn’t even remember. While brushing my teeth I managed to avoid a glance at the person on the mirror. Not wishing to see her swollen cheeks, or the dark circles under her eyes or her mistreated skin. After a layer of particularly pink lotion to my face and a cold water rinse I felt a tad more awake, trying not to sprint inside the bedroom at the first ring of my phone. No, instead I took my time drying my face and putting some handcream on. Finally heading out of the bathroom and straight torwards the phone.

Chris♡: They called me in to retake some scenes. Will be home by night.

Of course. The phone found itself being dropped back in the bed rather harshly. Like we didn’t have a marriage emergency going on.

I almost chuckle, marriage emergency… what kind of selfish bitch was living within me. It was his work, mostly what gave me and my son the spectacular roof over our heads and brought food on the table since I pretty much quit my job. I shouldn’t expect it to be less important. It’s not like his family was at stake here.

Suddenly shutting my senses to my thoughts I attempt to shake them off my head. But I can’t. All I do is contradict myself, all there is is a never ending inner fight with myself and it was making me lost. I had a son to look after. I needed to be more supportive of my husband. Of myself when it came to that. But I felt mentally and physically exhausted. And it needed to stop. Start with your breath...

When I consider that I have collected myself enough to pick at my breakfast and turn around there is an expectant little figure by the door. And I feel the wind knocked out of my stomach.

I gave him a small smile. “Hey baby” he quickly runs up to me and my body crouches on instinct, lifting him from the floor and squeezing him into my arms. I breath in the scent of his blonde waves. For a moment, all of my inner fight had dissipated. All of the struggle forgotten for a second and there is a smile on my lips. A true smile.

“Good afternoon momma” he wraps his short arms around my neck. My nose itches and for a second I think I may cry.

“oh I love you baby” I reply, sitting him on the bed. The pain on my lower back not going unnoticed as I do so, but I have mastered the art of acting and sit next to my son.

“Adrian is still getting ready momma, can we watch tv?” he looks up at me, baby blue eyes sparkling, just like his father’s do. "Mhmm" is all I get out. Could my own kid look less like me? It's as if Chris made him solo and I simply carried and gave birth to his offspring that had nothing to do with me.... maybe the nose.

We sat back on the bed. Matteo watching a cartoon, and me trying to eat my food like a little girl being watched eat, almost obligated. With a sigh I take a spoonful of oatmeal to my mouth. It wasn’t bad really, warm and creamy. I eat half of the plate and share a cookie with my son. We both lean back on the bed, Matteo with his small body against my side. I took a second to enjoy it but it didn't last. Joan knocked on the half open door, her son by the hand. "We are ready to go!"

Matteo smiled widely and jumped off the bed, sprinting towards them but stopping in his tracks and heading back to me. I giggled as he left a loud kiss on my cheek and then ran again to his friend. I instruct Joan where to find some money and she smiles, thankful. When their steos are out of earshot I turn the tv off and fill the bathtub with hot water. Deciding to make myself useful or something on this day.

It had been sometime since I'd last taken a nice bath. It was really cold outside so normally a quick shower would suffice, and I'm sure it was more than a day ago since the last one. Yes, I should be ashamed, but I didn't care too much. It's not like I was doing anything too exciting inside these many, many walls.

••••○

Answering the 14th call of the hour a hand runs through my hair as I sit down on the small bed of the trailer.

"Hey Chris, what's up?" There's a tone of worry that I recognize.

My head starts spinning with possible answers, but I shake my thoughts away. "I'm fine, it's just Y/n."

"Oh, is she doing okay?"

"Not really." there's a pause as he gives me time to get my thoughts together "She isn't getting out of bed. She barely eats, she doesn't spend time with our son... I feel like it's my fault, because I'm always away and I've neglected her so."

"Hey I don't think it's that, she knows you need to be away Chris, I'm sure she understands that even if it's hard. And she can take care of herself."

"Yes I know she understands, but, just last night we had a fight. It was the first time I'd been home for weeks and she fights with me."

"You guys have a son that's 3, just couse she understands I don't think it's any easier on her, so you gotta give her some credit."

"I'm worried that she doesn't pay attention to him, what if he thinks it's because of him? I don't know how she might treat him when I'm not there."

"Chris! you know better than anyone else how much she loves Matteo. I couldn't possibly think of her as much as putting her hands on him, much less being mean."

"I know... I just worry, and all kinds of things just come up in my mind."

"Well you need to home more man, if you don't even know how things go in your house maybe it's time you quit."

"What? Scott I signed a contract, I can't just" my back hits the bed with a loud creak and I shut my eyes.

"Break it, I'm not saying it's forever. But you both have a lot of money. It could probably sustain you guys for a lot more years. Your wife needs you brother, and so does your son."

"I can't just..."

"Chris this is your freaking family!"

"I know dammit I KNOW!" Inevitably hot tears fill my eyes and I have to wipe them with the back of my hand.

"What are you so afraid of?" Scott asks and it makes tears to well up again.

A shocked sob came out with the next words "That she's gonna want to leave."

"Chris, Y/n loves you more than a human being can love. You can go and fix your marriage now, or you can keep working until the amazing woman that sits at your home sinks into a bottomless depression that drowns her and your son with her."

My brother's words hit me. I knew it was getting bad, but I was too scared to deal. It was easier being away and pretending I had a happy marriage at home waiting for me every time. But reality was creeping in more and more, I noticed that yesterday.

"What did you guys fight about yesterday?"

"Uh.., my drinking."

"Chris... you're not abusing it are you?"

"No I'm not, I just, had a few glasses because I was finally home. After weeks, and she got mad, said Matteo shouldn't have to see me like that, and I got mad because I really wasn't drunk," My head hurts at the memory of it "it got heated... fast, and I threw a glass against the floor and she got scared and I just... I feel like she sees me like stranger Scott."

"I would see you as a stranger if you were never home and on top of that started acting up when you were. I think you guys should take sometime off, talk things and maybe go to couple's therapy or some shit, I don't know. But you two have a kid, spend some time with him, don't fuck him up just because the two of you have problems. The jobs not worth it, the money's not worth it, at the end of the day, nothing is worth more than your family."

"I fucking hate when you get all deep with me" I chuckle, sitting up and resting my fforehead in one hand.

"That's only because I'm right." my brother laughs too.

"How about you? Are you guys doing alright?"

"Don't worry bout us, we're still on the honeymoon phase"

We both laugh and say our goodbyes, having my brother pep talk me. I knew I had to get my family back, even if I hadn't really lost them, yet. But I needed the incentive to do so.

Reader

The baths I prepare are pretty damn good, dare I say so myself. Laying back on the water, taking a few deep breathes. It does wonders. And suddenly an idea pops in my head.

When I was somewhere around 18 I struggled with depression for years. And one of the things that helped me through that was to write down how I felt, how I wished to feel and how I could improve my situation. It was how I took writing as one of my hobbies.

So I started typing away on my phone.

I know I am not as pretty as I used to be.

I never was too perfect, or perfect at all.

And I'm conscious that my body might not look desirable anymore.

Maybe, I never deserved your love.

Or maybe it was you who didn't deserve mine.

But we made it through the hate,

we had something so beautiful.

We made life.

And I wish things could go back to being so beautiful.

But I would still love you if you decided that I'm not enough for you anymore.

I will accept anything.

All I know for sure is just that this can't keep on like this.

We deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be happy.

For the good of the life that we created,

for the good of our son,

we must get better

wether that is apart or together.

"I had forgotten how much I suck at this." I laughed at myself, but that was fine, because it got the message across. I think.

I hope.

Divorce wasn't something new to cross my mind. I just never thought I would want to discuss it, not so seriously. My parents were divorced, and my mom and I did fairly good. My dad did great on the other hand.. It wasn't that I was scared of it really, because I considered myself capable enough.

My only fear was that I would never move on from Chris, I loved him still. I have loved him since our first kiss. But sometimes it felt as if I barely knew the person that I loved anymore. My heart was still clinging to his, but my mind could not be any more distant right now.

If I really wanted to save our marriage I had to act now. But I couldn't do it alone, and that was exactly how I felt that I was.

The water went cold, and I stood up grabbing the nearest towel. Stepping out of the bath I bent down to unclog it, and when I stood back up my ears rang.

I held onto the wall for a second, and it only got worse. The room obscuring and spinning at the same time. I am not sure if I slipped or if I fainted, but I could surely say there was a bit of blood running down my forehead.

And when I finally came back to it, I was already on an ambulence.

"Ma'am. Mr. Evans is on his way, you're okay."

My eyes went to the back of my head, it felt as if I'd been on a damn carousel for hours. What the hell was happening to me?

There was a distant voice asking me things, and all I could reply was dizzy and nauseous several times.

I fucked up, who was going to take care of Matteo. I couldn't take care of him in a hospital. He needed me by his side.

"You should have taken better care of yourself."

#chris evans #chris evans imagine #chris evans x reader #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x you #captain america #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x oc #chris evans series #chris evans x reader series

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yennefer-stark · 4 years ago

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The time was night, the date was wednesday and it was cold and dark because the winter is approached. The lamps in the street gave to the road a dim-lit light as well as the sidewalk. She walked directly to the bridge, and no, she doesnt wanted to commit suicide, she just wanted to be alone, sang out her sadness in the night.

"Everyone got their soulmate... Tony got Pepper, Thor has Jane, Clint already had a family and two kid, Natasha and Bruce are a couple... Hell even Steve with Bucky"

She thought that and started to sing:

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel...?

Her beautyful voice slowly closed, a knot grew in her throat as she started to sob, then cry. She felt nothing but darkness and being alone, while she was the heart of her team. The fact and happy memories didnt helped. But remembered when Steve laughed in the joke, remembered when Tony gave her a compliment about her progress, the training in the gym with Nat, sometimes with Bucky or Steve, even the archery competition with Clint. Her brain closed out those memories and forced her to not let inside. On the other hand... a tall, slim figure watched her. He has got long black hair, a pair of mesmerizing emerald green eyes, sharp features wich was particularly attractive, pale skin and mysterious aura. He hid in the shadow, just like he did in his childhood. He understood her pain, what's more, he felt the same. Being lonlely and left behind. To be honest, the girl would gave everything for a hug and being in a comfy place... Between someone's arm.

-Yes. I can feel it. Why are you here in those times? It's dark, dangerous and you dont know how many serial killer around you. You should go home.

-I dont think that two killer would've such a good talk like us.

Said the girl without looking back. She wasnt scared, she was still sad. The man, however was suprised from the answer.

-In fact, I'd be happy if you'd kill me right here.

-Why would I? I mean I'm not going to kill you.

-Then why are you here? Why dont you leave me alone? You know what? You're right... I'm going home and put on my "nothing happened me, i'm perfectly fine" mask.

Then without a single word, she vanished from the bridge back to the Avengers Tower, where ofc everyone was happy. Well, almost. While our girl was in her room, deep in her thoughts, the black haired man stormed through rooms, used the elevator until he found his brother. He knocked on the door, with a bit of nervousness. Soon, a tall, muscular, bearded blonde man opened the door. His face immediately light up btw. He loved his not so little brother.

-Where you've been Loki?

-None of your business brother.

-Then why are you energised? You always nap and brood in silence. Something has changed I can tell.

-Whatever. How can someone make a sad person happy?

-Someone wants make you happy, or you are the one who doesnt want to commit a crime?

-This time, the second one brother.

Loki quckly arranged his face before Thor could've figured out what caused the change in him. He really hoped that the girl told the truth to him, but doesnt thought that she's inside the Tower like he or everyone.

-Well... Kind words helps most of the time.

-Geez, she wanted to die, by my hands. BY MY HANDS! Shes even more depressed than me brother.

-How she looked out?

-Well, she was at my chest height, or at least i think, she sat on the ground, and i'm not a cat, I cant see in the dark... Btw she had dark hair, maybe brown or black, waist lenght, straight. Her voice was.... Truly beautyful, even when it broke and started to cry.

-Hmm... Looks like you met with Valr. Oh brother, if you really want to know her better, it might be a big bite for you. She only talks when someone ask something from her, and I've never seen or heard her laughing. Most of the time she is in the library, gym or in her room when she isnt on a mission, out here with us. But to be honest, it could be anyone. I wish you good luck, if you really saw Valr... She's a worthy warrior.

-One more question before Ieave. Does she used to attend at dinner?

Thor nodded as an answer for the question, then closed the door after Loki, who teleported to the library. He found it empity tho. But at the other hand, Valr successfully picked herself up from the floor and walked to the common kitchen. She sighed in relief, she was alone, but not for a long time. As the time passed, the table was ready for the dinner. A whole set of plates, forks and knifes with table napkins. As the clock hit 7:30pm, the rest of the team slowly started to attend here and fill the room with energy and happines... The first, and most hungriest person was Bucky, then Steve, after them Natasha and Bruce. Thor followed them with Loki who seemed distant from the others. Clint arrived before the two god. As usual, Tony didnt showed up.

-Ah, Lady Valr, take a seat and eath with us.

-Thanks Thor, but I'm not hungry. I already ate and now I'm full.

-At least, stay with us and drink Val'.

-This cant cause any problem I guess.

The god of mischief immediately looked at Valr from the corner of his eye, when she lied to Thor without batting an eye. He already liked her, and planned to give her leftover food. Somehow he felt what the girl felt. The hardness of keeping the mask on... He greeted as an old friend. Sadness, even depression? Those kind of feelings too, but he played along with Valr. After they finished the dinner Steve stayed in the kitchen with Bucky to do the dishes and everyone went to their room. Except Loki, who kept an eye on her and sneaked up some food for her. He knocked on the door.

-Yes? It's open.

-Thank god it's open, I brought food for you Lady Valr.

-Why? I said I'm not hungry.

But Loki just smirked under his nonexistent mustache and placed the plate on the table. He found her reaction rather funny...

-Honey, you can not lie to the god of mischief.

-Great. Thanks for the food, you can go away and leave me alone. I dont need anyone in my life.

-Really? Then why are you scared to get close and hate being alone?

-I said, you can go away and leave me alone. Are you deaf or what?

-Slow down Lady Valr, there isnt such a reason to behave so mean, but as you wish. I leave you alone now, but I'll keep an eye on you.

-This is what I missed... I dont need baby sitting.

-Have a goodnight, Lady Valr.

If she could have a good night, she'd have a dream, but the next day's morning she went on a mission with Bucky. So she woke up at 5am, streched a bit, then had her regular morning routine before grabbed the suitcase and went to the kitchen, where Bucky waited for her. The smell of coffe enchanted a smile to her lips. The man with the metal hand greeted with a nod, and offered her a cup of coffe. Luckily he knew how Valr likes the caffeined black-ish liquid.

-I cant believe you are in this mission, I know how much do you hate Russia.

-Yes, but you cant dance with Nat, and noone else can speak fluent russian beside me. Do you have that magic tho?

-Poof. It will last while we're close to each other. Maybe one mile... I didnt need to use this spell until then.

-Wow. You amaze me every time Valr.

-Now let's go, I'm sure Tony already booked a flight to Moscow...

They boarded the plane and sat in silence after they talked through the plan. Bucky, who could never escape fully from the past, started to analyze Valr, but it was hard, even for him.

-З-здравствуйте...меня зовут...Valr...

-The hell did you just said?

Bucky never heard Valr talking in Russian so perfectly. She said those words without any accent, and he almost answered in the same language.

-Just one of thies things I can say in Russian.

-Well, it was perfect, but let me talk in Russian. Not because I love it, but 70 years experience from missions is still experience... Oh god, I already miss him...

-If you show feelings towards him, we might be caught. Steve still wanted for the underground, secret organizations in Russia. I know, you're gay for him and he's bi, but we need to play that we're a couple.

As the days passed by, Valr and Bucky grew closer to each other, talked about how they got captured/kidnapped and used to achieve bad goals. Not that fact they were so distant from each other, but they were the two person out of the Avengers... who were the quietest. As the day approached, they practiced a little dancing. You need know that the thing they search for, can be found in a Ball, wich held and organised secretly by Hydra. Extremely evil, right? But they had allies in the shadows and under the sun... When the day has arrived, you could cut the nervousness in the air with butterknife. Now, Valr understood why Bucky doesnt like to take a walk at daytime, unless he did it with Steve, his safe-place.

---------------------------------------

Untitled "little" story

Part one

I hope you liked it if you tripped over it...

@winterbuckytho @itsbuckyb1tch @i-smell-penniess

#the avengers #steve rogers #james barnes #mission #loki #tony stark #thor #fantasy

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preyforthewicked · 2 years ago

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Appendix I: Journal Entries

November 19, 2010

2:52 Right now, I just feel like screaming and crying and yelling and hitting something. I don’t feel like myself. God.

3:08 Why does it seem like nothing is going for me today? Nothing particularly bad has happened. I just feel so…strange.

November 22, 2010

7:58 Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

8:49 "Tears streamed down Alexandra's face, but Jay felt no sympathy. He hardly felt feelings for anything anymore."

December 28, 2010

9:21 Wooooooow. I woke up feeling so disoriented this morning. Like, I almost didn’t remember where I was, kind of disoriented. Oh man. Phew, but it’s all better now I suppose. I still feel kind of weird. I’m almost positive it’s because of the dream I had, but for the life of me I can’t remember it ): Ah well.

*Sigh* Time to jump back on this horse, I guess. Grammar and Comp, here I come! *trips and falls into puddle of mud*

12:23 That disoriented feeling I was talking about earlier? Yeah. Still here. I feel like I’m in a limbo-funk or something. I seriously do not know what to feel. Or even what I might be feeling. I’m not majorly pissed, or sad, or happy, or anything. It’s really like…listless. Just uninterested in everything. :/

I feel like lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Or don’t.

February 22, 2012

12:37 Nothing is real. Nothing is permanent.

February 26, 2012

12:01 I’m slipping through the cracks in the sidewalk of my mind.

3:28 I feel empty all of the sudden.

Waking up in four hours or so. Woo.

6:19 Why can’t I fall asleep? I can see the sun rising :l What is wrong with me?

9:41 So apparently I fell asleep for around half an hour between 6:20 and 6:50 and continued to have trouble falling back asleep after that. Between 7 and 9:20 (when I was to wake up, which I did) I think I was worried I wouldn’t hear my alarm because I woke up every few chunks of minutes to check the time. It was especially focused and bad from around 8 to 9:20. This is a little ridiculous. So I got...three very interrupted hours of sleep last night. Great. Oh well. I knew there would be consequences, but I didn’t think I’d be having trouble falling asleep until 7 when the sun was pretty high already! Gar. My mind bothers me sometimes. I don’t even know what it was that was keeping me awake. I mean sure some of the movies we watched had scary bits in them, but I wasn’t afraid of that (see earlier journal post). Sigh. At least I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep nice and early tonight cause there’s no way I can get a nap in today.

3:06 Soooo...tired... But...must resist...complaining...

8:01 Can I just sleep forever?

March 9, 2012

2:32 Why am I feeling so gosh darn tired? I got 9 hours of sleep last night and more the nights before. Am I anemic? Or is this just some weird phase? Am I not sleeping well cause of weird dreams I’ve been having? (bleeding fingernails)

June 20, 2012

12:30 And thus begins day three of my days off. So what did I do? I started cleaning. On my boredom scale, that’s how you tell it’s really bad. When I simply start cleaning practically automatically, it’s bad. Just to occupy myself with something that is worth my time. But now that I’m done with what I’m not too lazy to do, I’m sitting here in front of my computer playing word games and feeling pretty low of myself. I don’t know and I don’t know why. I almost feel like a burden today. It’s days like these I wish I could sink into the shadows and disappear for a little while. For everyone to forget me for a bit and act as if I didn’t exist. Not that I died, however, but that I had merely never existed.

July 18, 2012

4:10 for some reason I can't really fall asleep. I watched Crazy Stupid Love and The Help. Good movies. But I'm still not tired.

In another life, I think I'd be an insecure, self-harming prostitute. That is, if I didn't have God or a great family that supports me.

In another life. Like an opposite reality.

Sometimes I really wish I could turn my mind off. I wish I had a sleep on switch and it could just slice through the connection between me and the world for a few hours. Leave me to my wanderings.

July 23, 2012

1:13 I just wrote my Last Will and Testament. And the songs I want them to play at my funeral. Does that make me sick or good for preparing? I mean, it could happen tomorrow.

Shrugs. It’s written. At least there will be something to go off of if it does happen within the year.

February 18, 2013

2:05 Maybe I should just stop talking altogether. Perhaps people would like me better.

February 25, 2013

12:21 Sometimes I wish I could replay memories in my head like VHS tapes. Whenever I want. And I can record over the bad ones with good memories, cause some don't deserve to be remembered.

March 7, 2013

4:37 No one should even be alive at this hour. So why am I?

4:40 It's times like these when I wonder how many people are out driving around. Maybe I should try it sometime. Just cruise around listening to music at the pre-crack of dawn.

March 12, 2013

12:46 Last night I woke up several times although I only remember three specific times: 3, 6, and 8. I knew it would happen and yet I still almost cried when 6 came around. Today was certainly trying. A few times during the afternoon all I wanted to do was take a nap. And now I'm wide-awake. Why you do this to me, body? Now that I can sleep, why won't I?

March 15, 2013

6:02 Everyone dies at the end of their own story.

7:50 Why is it when I want people to see me I feel I have to hurt myself to make that happen?

March 30, 2013

3:12 I can’t go on Facebook today because there are so many Peru posts and it hurts my heart. It makes me happy to see all those people going to change their lives, but the hurt outweighs the happiness…

April 12, 2013

1:11 feeling pretty low of myself right now, kind of for no reason. :l

Sometimes I wonder, am I bipolar?

August 10, 2013

2:35 LOTR obsessions. Yes.

School starts back up in two weeks. Crazy. Thirteen days till my birthday. Also crazy.

I feel weird today. Like a I just want to cry for no particular reason kind of weird. Hopefully hanging out with Rachel and Taylor tonight will help me be better.

December 15, 2013

5:55 It would probably be one of the worst ideas ever to leave me alone with alcohol, but isn’t that the case for everyone?

Isn’t it?

6:10 Dinner for one, tonight.

March 19, 2014

4:58 I hide my fears in the wrinkles hanging on the corners of your mouth,

hide the screams in the fingertips of your satin gloves;

I can never grow old.

I sewed my eyes shut with the threads I had used to create a memento for you, in order to block out the memories.

I forgot that they’re on the inside.

March 20, 2014

1:00 run me over, see if I care?

Fall out from beneath me, grate - what does it matter?

I like to hug the walls when I walk.

1:20 fall down the escalator - don't worry. It'll scrape you up at the bottom.

April 11, 2014

11:21 I haven't had one of these quiet worthless days in a while. I can't say I missed feeling this way.

April 19, 2014

10:15 What if I’m slowly losing myself? What if every day it gets worse and everyone thinks I’m just an asshole when this unknown disease inside is just killing me slowly?

July 2, 2014

2:11 Feels like falling down the up escalator.

July 5, 2014

5:03 Sometimes it doesn’t seem like my past ever actually happened to me. Sometimes, if I pretend hard enough, I can make myself believe that it didn’t, and that I read it in some book years ago. Opened, and shut. Begun and ended.

Finished.

August 3, 2014

8:17 Sometimes I wish I didn’t have my life. I wish I could float away like a leaf, land somewhere new, and start afresh. I suppose it’s cowardly to think something like that, when stuff gets complicated and tough or I’m having a particularly rough day and I Just want to run away from it for a bit.

September 6, 2014

11:53 You know what the worst part is? No one will ever be able to fully understand. No one. Ever. It’s such a specific situation, and one that’s so hard to explain in all the ways that it would need to be explained in order to be even remotely understood.

Most days I am strong, I know that my heart has healed and is healing due to God. But some days, some nights, it becomes a torment, the fractures in my heart. And I have no one to talk to about it. No one. It is all behind me, as far as anyone who kind of knows thinks. To admit that it’s presently tormenting me would mean I’ve been thinking about it and then that would mean trouble, blah blah…

God, I’ve prayed and prayed…take this burden away from me. I do not want it anymore. I do not. Want. It. It is a tumor, a parasite that latches onto my most painful wounds and sucks the joy away, leeching my happiness and well-being. I hate having these demons. I don’t want them. I don’t deserve them.

God…someone…please…

This is so awful, being in this place.

October 27, 2014

10:21 wake me up when the semester ends

November 21, 2014

3:24 I often get this recurring image of myself if I were to fall down the stairs or get hit by a car, or you know, something of the like, and I see myself simply lying there (obviously if I had been knocked out, this would be the case) silently in strange acceptance. Not attempting to get up, even if I was honestly more or less okay. A few days ago, I had this thought that I was walking through campus and stepped on a nail that went straight through the sole of my shoe and directly into my foot (this was brought on by the realization that the soles of my shoes were worn so incredibly thin they'd probably start busting open just by walking soon) and I just frowned deeply at the now-gushing wound, pulled out my cell to call campo, and told them quickly but calmly that I probably needed to be picked up and taken to the hospital. No tears. No curses. Just odd acceptance.

January 11, 2015

8:26 This morning I woke up and just felt wrong. I can’t say why. Perhaps it was a dream I had, but don’t remember.

March 18, 2015

11:52 My occasional

ponderance of suicide

is just Jesus

calling me home.

April 2, 2015

12:28 can I be a stranger for a day? I don't want to be me right now.

April 7, 2015

9:25

The Pit

Braid a rope of I-Love-You's,

fasten it to futility.

The streetlights don't reach down here -

neither does your hope.

June 21, 2015

12:54 I want to cry and vomit all at once.

July 2, 2015

3:34 She poured gasoline down her throat and set her lips aflame.

July 10, 2015

8:34 Railings on skyscrapers

contain me,

animal

suffocated skin wrap.

Can I breathe in the sky?

Can I jump for my life?

August 27, 2015

12:13 Sometimes I wish things could go back to being how they used to be, a long long time ago, because I'm afraid they'll never be that good again.

September 15, 2015

4:13 Sometimes I think

about suicide.

How would I do it?

Drowning, hanging,

fire – no.

maybe an overdose?

I don’t care if

you think me

a coward.

But if I'm gone

who will feed the dog?

October 1, 2015

10:16

Who am I?

Well,

Really,

It depends on who you ask.

My parents, cousins, friends

Would all say different things.

She's intelligent; sweet; funny; silly;

Hardworking; faithful; reliable.

Who is that person?

Surely that's not me?

They'd say much different things

If they could glimpse the pit

Of my mind.

She's cynical, they'd say.

She's awful, lonesome, and morbid.

Who wants to be me?

February 16, 2016

9:21 I run the water till it

prickles my finger skin pink,

pooling it in leather palms

to scald my face. Nails

curl under useless epidermis,

slough off cheeks, nose,

and flat lips. What’s etched

in the bone of my brow?

Loser?

February 17, 2016

11:18 Fling yourself from the highest window

Will you recognize your soul better in pieces?

Smile

at the blood

in your shoes

and know

they’ll never understand

where you’ve been.

September 27, 2016

12:38

Undiluted bleach purifies

or so it says.

Slug back a gulp -

no, two - on a prayer

that the convictions

coating your insides

will strip away.

Assess your sins anew -

vomit your guilts,

your lusts by the bowlful.

The cleansing burns

through your filth.

Will you become

refined? Or hope to God

it kills you first?

October 1, 2016

7:45

Never again will your fingers

press into the flesh of my hip

to mold me without permission.

My skin, living fabric fastened

taut over muscle and bone,

has shed the indelible impressions

of your fingerprints, the dead cells

of influence peppering my pores.

October 25, 2017

9:10 am

Jealousy

An atomic bomb in my gut

Nowhere for the gases

To escape, except to seep

Into my intestines.

An Adrenaline shot

In all four corners

Of my heart renders me

Trembling, an electrocuted

Trout left to gasp naked

And homeless beside you.

Reach out and conduct me.

Please

Conduct this from me

And slaughter it yourself

Before I kill me instead.

December 12, 2017

9:33 p

Nostalgia is

Three monsters wearing

Bunny masks and perfume

To cover over foul stench

And face. Two soothe,

Welcome me by way of

Lovely voices, while the third

Behind my back and just

Out of earshot grinds away at

The knife. Sometimes he

Leaves it dull. Sometimes

It is red hot sharp, ringing

Still from the stone. The

Funny thing is, I'm the one

Who offers up my arm

As he ready creeps close.

May 22, 2019

4:32 God, I feel so overwhelmed. I am so profoundly not satisfied with life

I hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel like I’m drowning and occasionally I latch on to something that keeps my head above the water for a minute – I distract myself, fall into Flow, talk to someone about non-existential things, cuddle deliberately with my cats, participate in Jiu Jitsu, play an engaging video game – but when that life raft disintegrates moments later, I am left to tread, already exhausted beyond my means. This is too much. I feel like a violently swinging trapeze artist, flinging themselves from one side of the circus to the other, high highs and lows so low as to plummet to the circus floor in an instant of slippery fingers. Is this what manic depression feels like? Is that what this is?

September 3, 2020

8:09

World Grows Dark

When I close my eyes

Then I understand

How the world grows dark

Again

And the shaking in my hands won’t stop

Everything is going wrong

The sun is out but I can’t see

All the gifts right in front of me

Please tell me where can I go from here

This journey’s lonely and there’s so much fear

My lying eyes aren’t on my side

And my mind has no place to hide

When I close my eyes

I wish I could feel

the warmth of a smile

Then maybe I’d be healed

For good

But When I close my eyes

I still understand

How the world grows dark

Again

Is this real or in my head?

Someone please stop me I think god’s

Dead

October 8, 2020

If I give me space to think

Then I think I probably

Shouldn't be alive

My suicide would be considerate.

I’d never do it, of course.

But if I did

Those who had to clean me up

Wouldn’t be bothered much.

No blood, fully clothed

Hopefully smiling

Though some things you can’t

Plan too hard for.

I want it to be freedom.

I want it to be that

Ultimate bliss.

That bliss I've had only once

In my waking life,

The day I met my husband.

But even that’s too much

To ask for

At the end.

At the end, then,

I can’t help but be

The burden I've always felt

I was.

December 11, 2020

11:19

My black hole welcomes me back

Once a month

vision narrows

Red lights abound

Next to nothing.

I’d rather just be

Nothing.

#preyforthewicked #sexualabuse #autobiography

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terselylove · 4 years ago

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Depression...

My experience of dealing with social anxiety is a feeling of overwhelming fear when interacting with individuals I wasn’t comfortable with. I was unable to look people in the eye when speaking to them, and struggled to keep a conversation going. I came off as both extremely quiet and shy, as well as rude, which anyone who knows me well knows I am the opposite of.

During this period of my life my self-confidence was at an all-time low, and I felt disgusted every time I looked in the mirror. I stayed away from people as much as I could, and felt I made an embarrassment of myself whenever I went out in public. I constantly had a voice in my head saying “Why would anyone want to be friends with you? You are ugly and pathetic.”...

I love summer. Lighter evenings, longer days, warmer weather, summer dresses, perhaps even some sun if we’re lucky. Generally speaking, as seems to be common with most people I speak to – when the sun is out, I’m in a better mood. However, as someone who also experiences periods of depression, I’ve found that this isn’t generally the case when it comes to my mental health.I’m fortunate that I’m currently in a much better place at the moment but, when I think back to a few years ago, I found the summer months to be an immense struggle.When the clocks sprung forward, it all felt a little bit daunting. The things I’d usually look forward to about the change in seasons now served as reminders that I really wasn’t ok.The lighter evenings and longer days meant more time counting down the hours until it was dark enough to go to sleep. The warmer weather meant more plans to cancel and, as a result, more excuses to make up. I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to decide what to wear each day – something which would ordinarily bring me a lot of enjoyment – and so the summer dresses stayed at the back of my wardrobe.Perhaps depression is a little easier to understand in the winter. It’s dark, it’s cold, most people are spending evenings at home not really doing much. If I was having a particularly bad day / week / month, it didn't feel so wrong to get home from work, change into my pyjamas and just go to bed.Yet when summer rolled around, it seemed as though everyone was out and about having the ‘best time ever’.

And then there I was, struggling to get out of bed.For someone experiencing depression, it can be difficult to watch those around you enjoying themselves. I'd mute group chats so as not to be met with the constant barrage of plans, I'd excuse myself from after-work drinks, and I'd invent reasons not to attend BBQs and family gatherings.“But it’s such a nice day…” people would say, “you should get out the house, it might cheer you up."Yes it was a nice day but, whilst their words were well-meaning, they simply weren't helpful. I already felt as though I was wasting my summer and I knew I should get out the house, but it just didn't seem possible. A nice walk on a sunny afternoon might do wonders if I'm just having an 'off day', but depression is so much more than that, and a sunny afternoon isn't a cure.Depression doesn't care about the weather, your weekend plans, or the birthday coming up that you'd do anything to be able to enjoy. It doesn't think to itself "summer is here, time for me to disappear for the next few months."

That isn't how it works.I'm in the fortunate position of having friends I could be honest with. Friends who would still keep inviting me to things 'in case I felt up to it' and didn't judge me when I stopped replying to messages for days or weeks on end. They'd suggest shorter periods of socialising that felt a lot less daunting, and remind me that they were still around if and when I felt up to going out.In more recent years, I've managed to enjoy my summers without the weight of depression casting a shadow over them to quite the same extent, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. I think my own experience has also made me more aware of how others might be feeling, and I'd encourage anyone who thinks a friend might be struggling to try to understand and have a little patience.

Some people understand it, some think it’s an attention call. For me, depression is like that pile of laundry that you don’t want to show in your Instagram pictures. I never want to show my pile of laundry to the world, I want my life to seem happy and put together, as if I folded and put away all my laundry right out of the dryer.Ever since high school I have suffered with extreme depression and anxiety. I can defend the issue for hours and hours, however I get embarrassed when I feel sad. I get so embarrassed when I am sad and those around me do not understand and treat me as if I’m crazy.Typically most of my life I’ve always just been called dramatic when I’m upset. It has become one of my biggest triggers, because most of my life I haven't had that fight to defend it. I just, quite simply, let it eat at me.Depression can be the hardest when others just don’t understand you. I get sad for no reason so often that I’ve created safe spaces. In our current home, my safe place is my bathroom floor. Probably about at least three times a month you can find me locked in my bathroom on the floor, crying. The lock on that door is the only form of power I feel I have at that moment.

I see you.

I share this because it’s real, I share this because everyone has that pile of laundry.

I know everyone may not have depression, but everyone has something hard they’ve experienced, everyone has something to share and everyone has something to relate to.

Many times I have found myself on that bathroom floor contemplating life and how to make it past that very moment, will I? I have to say how thankful I am that I haven’t followed through. Life is so hard. Sprinkle on some depression, heck, dump it on - and life is now even more hard.Please don’t ask me how I can be so sad I could contemplate suicide. Because honestly I do not know, nor do most people in that situation. How did we make it to this moment? What did I do to deserve this sorrow?You never know who is hurting. Those who are, we often are the most resistant, waiting for a hand to be held out for us to grab onto as the pressure of our mental being closes in on us.Check up on those who are quiet, those who check up on you; maybe conversation is being sparked due to their need to communicate. Let’s talk about our hard times, it’s healing, not embarrassing.So, here’s my laundry pile. You’re not alone.

Depression is not an emotion - it's an illness

Ah, mental health stigma surrounding depression. The worst that's been said to me in all these years having depression is:"Don't go and have a moment on me!""Don't quit your job. I know your job has been making you feel depressed but you're being stupid. You haven't tried hard enough.""Is that all your depressed about?""Stop being ungrateful and take your Great Aunt's advice!"

Please, stop.

This is not me being lazy, ungrateful or selfish. This is me dealing, sometimes suffering, with depression. This is my demon running its black toxins through my head, poisoning my thoughts and feelings.

Depression is not an emotion, it's an illness. A completely and utterly illogical illness. Just like with colds, for example, some colds can just be a little sniffle, sneeze, etc, while some colds can completely wipe you out and keep you bed-bound for x amount of time. Whether you have a mild cold or one from hell, you still have a valid cold. People with the strongest immune systems can still be affected by them.

From an outsider’s point of view, sure, they would be able to see the positive things going on in your life. However, when depression strikes, for me at least, it feels like a part of my brain has turned off the switch to be able to enjoy things. If it's really bad, I'm unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel with whatever I'm dealing with. I can also feel like a shell of a person sometimes. It's as if my brain has temporarily sucked up my personality and misplaced it somewhere else. I'm there but not there at the same time.

I don't choose to do this, depression is basically trying to tie me down in a chair at the cinema, forcing me to watch its fake "reality" tale about how my life will always be rubbish, dark, etc and how I'm worthless. Sometimes I can fight it off, but other times it can catch me off guard and I believe it for a while. Depression, by the way, is one hell of a liar.

The best way I can describe the switch being turned off is while you can see the beautiful colours of the world, I only see black, grey and white. My favourite meal in front of me is suddenly tasteless mush. My favourite TV show/YouTube channel is changed to, what feels like, a very boring presentation about something I've never been remotely interested in. Going out with loved ones can feel like everyone is spinning around me in fast motion while I'm sitting there in slow.

Depression is one of the worst things I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully over the last 9 years I've learned to differentiate my depression thoughts from my healthy thoughts. I know my depression is just trying to make me watch a fake tale about me and my life, like how I described earlier, but I know I can beat it each and every time it knocks me. Depression might be strong but I'm much, much stronger.

Please do not judge other people's struggles and do listen to what they have to say. Their mountain may be a molehill to you, but everyone is different and everyone’s feelings are valid. Please, please always remember that.

For a long while, I've been having issues with mental health. I remember asking my mum one day years ago if hearing and seeing things was normal and her response still sticks with me. "You're too young and don't know what REAL mental health problems are."

At the time I was incredibly depressed, anxious and scared of myself and what I might do. Whenever I tried to reach out and ask to see someone for help because I was seeing things, she always gave an excuse to dismiss what was going on, like I needed more sleep or I needed to "stay off that phone!". I just wish she might have listened a bit more, instead of brushing me off as lying, or getting angry and impatient with me. If she had been more supportive, I would have felt more capable of handling myself during my bad episodes.

Considering that not even my own mother would believe me, I truly felt alone and thought that no one would listen to me and brush me off as liar or even a fake. It made it hard for me to reach out for help or take care of myself in the ways I needed.

Now that I'm in my later years of university and I'm in a relationship, I've had to be truthful to myself and acknowledge that I do have issues that need help with. It's taken me even longer to learn how to trust people, that people will reach out to help me if I ask for the help I dearly need. That I won't be told I'm too young or it's because I'm tired or because I'm on my phone too much before going to sleep.

It's taken me years to realize that I need help and that no one but me can choose whether or not what I'm dealing with is real. I don't need someone to compare their own experiences to mine and deem my cry for help as valid or not. But if I had a parent that believed me and took me to someplace where I could've gotten the help I needed, I think I would've been able to cope better with my conditions now.

Some people fail to realize that mental health doesn't discriminate against age and sadly for me it was the person I looked up to most that failed me.

I never know how to explain depression to someone. It’s so different for everyone and comes in so many different forms. Some people describe their depression as a weight that holds them down, ever-present and demanding of their time. Others describe it as a shadow that looms in the back of your mind, always taunting and jabbing and trying to tear you down. Some days, you just have thicker skin. And then sometimes, depression is described like drowning. It’s wading in an ocean of poison and barely catching your breath before you’re dragged back under.

I don’t think people understand that depression is constant. Some days it doesn’t feel as heavy, it doesn't tug and pull as hard. And other days, it knocks you down before you can even get out of bed.

I am always fighting this constant battle with myself. I may smile and laugh and seem happy, but know that, somewhere, in the back of my mind I'm struggling. The happy interludes, the in-between where the weight doesn’t feel as heavy, are simply vacations from the reality that is my depression.

It makes me feel like a failure, no matter my successes. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me.

My depression is a beast that lives inside me. It whispers horrible things in my ear, tells me that I am waste of space. And all the while, I have to smile and pretend I’m okay.

That life isn’t beating me, no way. I’m too stubborn for that. I have to pretend that there isn’t some rabid animal inside of me, clawing to get its grip around my throat and snuff out my life.

People who don’t have depression don’t understand. But they can still be there for people like me. When they say something that scares you, don’t yell. Don’t get angry because you don’t comprehend how their mind works.

My mind is a scary place. I shouldn’t need to open up and spill my darkness for your compassion.

Support people with depression, even if you don’t understand. Just be there.

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