#i mean imagine your hyperfixation up and disappears forever one day. what will you do now

[wingsofhcpe]

thinking about how in the manga Hange and the rest of the dead scouts smile at Levi before fading away, meanwhile in the anime Hange looks so pensive and sad instead, gazing at Levi with so much regret in her eyes because she had to leave him alone, because he's the last one now and he has to carry everyone's hearts forward even when they're no longer there with him.

Thinking about how Hange didn't want to leave Levi, how they asked Levi if he thinks their dead comrades are watching them, and Levi did not reply, but then when Hange died he whispers "goodbye, Hange. Watch us."

I am really so not okay over these two, I am absolutely Not normal about levihan and their relationship and how much pain and love there is inside both of them, and how these two -the pain and the love- can coexist so perfectly even after Hange is gone and Levi is the last one of the OG scouts left.

[dragon-queen21]

hi back again ! sorry for my small absence, my school year just finished and testing is approachin & ive been very stressed ☹️

but this time its gonna be about sanji (like the last two were supposed to) this is actually kind of angsty,, um,,, whoopsie

-i have a hc that during wholecake when sanji was with his family he was actually regressin. i dont think he was fully regressed but definitely wasnt fully big the entire time. please tell me you understand what im gettin at here. the amount of stress he must have been dealin with, unfortunately he needed to cope somehow, kind of angsty i know, but sanji fully regressin the second hes safe and with his crew again, and luffy (and the crew) just being there to help him (they didnt leave his side for hours)

-sanji is the straw hats resident baby like i said in a previous ask i believe that him and luffy regress the youngest, both needin the most care and attention out of everyone else in their straw hats agere universe. hes not as clingy as luffy, but will get fussy if someones not with him

-for some reason i am so diggin usopp watchin lil sanji, I DONT KNOW I FEEL LIKE THEYD HAVE A BLAST

i feel like usopp would be tryin SOOOO hard to helo sanji have a good time considerin usopps not his primary cg

-the girls are the ones who mostly care for sanji when hes little, robin being a little more motherly, and nami bein sweet and spoiling the hell out of him

-sanji called one of the girls “mommy” once and got SO embarrassed. locked himself in the kitchen stress bakin until the one he gave the title too came and talked to him

-once JUST ONCE he called zeff when he was really little and was genuinely tryin his hardest to act big when he was talkin to zeff. i cant imagine how he would react exactly, or if he woukd even understand what was happenin or what agere even was, but he raised this boy he can tell when somethins up. imagine franky, or robin, brook or someone findin him and having to slowwwlllyyy take it away from him and apologize to zeff so he can get back to his job

OKAY IM DONE BECAUSE IM TIRED RAAAH I HOOE YOUR HAVING A GOOD DAY sorry i think this is really difficult from my normal asks/rambles sanji is more personal to me than anyone else on the crew so i think about his highs and lows a lot more than anyone else in the crew! im sorry if its a bit to angsty ☹️

(also sorry i want to drop this,, inosuke agere? real? him regressing and hes just like a nonverbal baby boar. very very energetic kiddo)

(ive also been slightly fixated on ‘metal family’ recently as well. mom the hyperfixations are fightin)

📷

Hi hi! Good to see ya :D please ignore how long it took me to respond, this has been such a busy week for me and my mental health has been a roller coaster. Ooh I get the stress before tests, praying to Jesus for you that all goes well <3 Make sure to study a little, take breaks, and get a good night sleep before and I bet you will do just great! :D

Okay onto headcanons now~

~Sanji kind of teetering between headspaces is so real. Not feeling safe enough to fully regress but also his brain pushing him to be small because he’s upset and usually being small means getting comfort. He would probably crash and burn for days after once it finally hits him that he’s safe. Practically drunk of off familiarity of his crew.

While I am kind of aware of whole cake I’m not up that point in the anime, if I was I would give you a better comment, but alas :<

~The resident baby prince. Ahhh I love him so much. First thing I thought of is Sanji being sat in the corner with a blanket and some toys content to play by himself, but the moment whoever is watching over him leaves it’s instantly tears and crying. Object permanence who? If the baby can’t see his crew they therefor must have disappeared and left him and he is going to be sad about it forever. Never to be consoled agai- oh wait never mind they’re back now. All is right with the world.

~Usopp watching over anyone would have a blast. Let’s be honest- it’s Usopp. Something about him just screams caregiver coded.

~Okay but Sanji calling Robin “mama” promptly realizing what he’s said because Robin is so shocked she’s not responding, he’s not about to stick around and find out what she thinks of the accidental nickname, and going to stress bake for hours <- the best idea ever. It makes me so happy. Bdbjbcjdnjdnsj (Like I haven’t said this a hundred times before, I’m soft for mama Robin can you tell :3 )

~I’ll raise you one. Calling up Zeff but it keeps happening when Sanji is looking after regressors. The phrase “I’m telling!” gives Sanji a near heart attack. The ex pirate has gotten used to getting calls from little straw-hats, so imagine his shock when it’s Sanji regressed and calling.

These weren’t too different I would say. Besides I absolutely adore angst just as much as I love fluff. Like let the baby’s suffer a bit >:3

(Very real. The most real actually. Inosuke never got to experience a normal childhood. Let. Him. Cope. 👏)

“mom the hyperfixations are fightin”

😭😂 love that

I’ve never heard if metal family before. I do however understand the fight between hyperfixations. (Looks towards the 5,000+ word Genshin Impact fic I’ve been writing and essentially ignoring all my other current projects for) It’s tough being in multiple fandoms, the struggle is real my friend

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Oof. I got carried away in these Anon answers. Warning, one of the questions deals with S12 spoilers (marked in the answer).

Check it below the cut 👇

1. Ah, a newbie! Hello friend! I hope you are enjoying our little fandom while you go through your first watch. I admittedly do not remember my fics off the top of my head, but I asked the others in the Discord and they compiled this list of Fics that DO contain spoilers:

Not your Backup; It's not You, It's Her; Dark Side; Big Bad Wolf; Bigger Bitch than Payback; Teacher's Pet; Protege; H2M; Repentance; Phoenix; and I Like It Like That.

Everything else should be relatively safe. I try not to focus too much on the plot of the show, since I want people to be able to imagine whichever version of Spencer they want.

2. You’re such a sweetheart. I’m glad you enjoyed my batshit Reader. She would be very flattered. I’m glad you get something unique from my writing, but there are tons of amazing other authors on here! They just haven’t been blown up like me... yet 😜 It’s still weird to me that people recognize my username or know who I am. I probably won’t ever get used to it.

3. 🚨 Spoilers for S12 🚨 Aaaaa every time Diana and Spencer are in a scene together, ever, I just cry. I have to write a scene with her in H2M soon and I am overwhelmed. I hope you’re doing well, too, my love! ❤️

4. Ah, we’re probably too late there 😂 Honestly, I don’t really ever get overwhelmed about the requests I have or unfinished works. I know I should, but I don’t. I just write what I want.

Since I’m betaing for a BDSM fic for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be on my mind. I’d rather start writing it while I want to than risk losing that inspiration in the future. Especially since it’s not a true “series” and won’t really have a decent sized plot. Just good ol’ fashion porn.

5. Ugh, I wish I could write for Hotch, but I don’t want to get too far out of Spencer mode. That being said, the amazing authors of @dontkissthewriter , @hyperfixations-galore , and @httpnxtt all told me they were willing to write Hotch. I highly recommend all of them.

6. I find this message... strange. Particularly the “actually start getting them done” part. Closing my requests wouldn’t make anything come faster, and history shows it also wouldn’t stop me from getting requests.

I often get the advice that I should just close my requests, but there are a few reasons I don’t:

(A) It would not stop me from getting requests – I promise. Several of the last 20 requests I’ve gotten started with some variant of “I know your requests are closed/idk if you take requests.” People will ask, and I don’t mind listening to their ideas. See C below.

(B) I would have to shut off Anon, since people consistently request Part 2s despite it being written in several places that I do not write Part 2s. Closing Anon would mean that about 50% of all of my feedback would disappear. People don’t comment or DM me nearly as much as they message me on Anon. I like getting feedback and talking to people. Anon is the best way for me to do that. So in the end, I would still get requests, and I would lose out on all the wonderful messages I get from shy people.

(C) I don’t lose sleep over requests I take awhile on or things I might never be able to write. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s just reality. This is why I warn people that it will be a very long time before your fic comes (and beg them to ask other people if they don’t want to wait – there are SO MANY GOOD AUTHORS ON HERE). You are always welcome to tell me you want to take it back or ask someone else. 

This is where the strangeness comes in, and admittedly, a little bitterness on my part. The implication I’m not putting work out fast enough is absolutely ludicrous. In the past 3-4 months, I’ve put out four hundred thousand words worth of content. That is the equivalent of five published novels. There is nothing in the entire universe that could make me write faster than I already do. It’s just preposterous to think that’s possible.

The only way I’m able to keep up with such an intense writing streak is because I have a wide array of topics to choose from. While it does suck for the people who have been waiting for forever, I can’t turn my brain on to a subject and demand performance for any particular person. Whatever came out would not be fun and you wouldn’t like it.

I really, really try my hardest to please as many people as possible, and the few Anon messages I get (on top of you beautiful, wonderful, amazing people who leave comments or DM me with commentary) are the reason I share them with you guys. Half the time, I won’t even hear back from the Anons who I do write for, so it’s hard for me to hear people suggest I am not doing enough, even if that wasn’t the intention.

At the end of the day, I’ll make someone happy and disappoint 40 other people. Closing requests won’t do anything but further isolate me from the feedback that makes me want to write in the first place.

And as always, if you want me to write your request sooner, the easiest way to do that is to talk to me about it. The more you bring the idea to my head (preferably through plot points, dialogue ideas, and visuals), the more likely it is I’ll become inspired to want to write it.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but I did get a little in my feelings on this one. You probably didn’t mean it to sound like I took it, but it’s midnight and I’ve been writing for like 10 hours 😂

Thanks for your concern; I hope this cleared some stuff up for you. Thanks as always for support and reading my work. I hope you enjoy whatever I put out, anyway!

[woodys]

I feel like it’s important right now that i’m typing. I’m not sure where this post is going to go and what i’m going to say, how disturbing it might get but for the first time in the longest while I have this need to park myself and type. This godforsaken site is called a blogging site so I guess, just this once, I’m going to sit here and for the first time in all my years of being on it—use it as one. Is this a post i’m proud of? No, I already know it’s not. But at the same time I think the only person i’m writing it for is for myself. My future self. For her to come back and read. To see how lucky and how strong she is, maybe serve as a reminder of how far she’s come whenever she remembers i’ve left this here for her to read. Because it’s something that happened and something I don’t think i’m afraid of anymore. Something I should be open about and something I shouldn’t repress. Because if I hadn’t been open about it at some point, I wouldn’t be here to type it for anyone to read.

December 17 was the day I was supposed to die. Monday December 17, 2018. That’s what I wanted my obituaries to say. That’s what I wanted my gravestone to say. It was the day I hyperfixated on for about three weeks and to me it was perfect in every way. When it came it was a beautiful day, the weather just ideal. Much like it had been three months back on the date, also Monday, September 17th, when my mom started the eternal rest that came sooner than she deserved. Our dates would be just alike. Just like when we matched the same outfits when I was smaller. It was something that would connect us again in a infinite day. That was supposed to be my day to go. 

I did research on what I wanted more than I wish I ever had. I had my options, all of them as painless as possible. I was counting down and for awhile just to reflect I started to keep track of one thing a day i’d miss or that I was grateful for. By the last week that fell to the wayside because it was like I had nothing left. Everything seemed against me. I felt like I was fighting this big bad world alone having to front a smile and be the person I used to be. I’ve been so tired. I’ve got no energy. By Wednesday I think I had thrown in the towel. I went to the nail shop the next day and it almost felt as if I was prepping myself for everyone else. At least my nails would look great (mom was about to get hers done) and my hair is styled in the way people normally saw me (mom’s wasn’t. she had plans to take her braids down just the next week). Sunday rolls around with what felt like the fatal blow, final straw, I was just ready to clock out at midnight on Monday Eastern time. It was midnight somewhere I thought. 

When i’ve seen people go through things like this, at least online, it looks....it looks entirely like a joke. And I do, think that there are people out there that throw these thoughts and feelings around online just to get the attention, just to snatch a moment of pity and kindness out of people. That’s why I was set on keeping the act until the day of. Being the sunny, cheery, positive disposed person everyone I interact know me as. I came into this year with a high head. I was hopeful. I was ready to do big things. But as the year went on the bad piled on and on. But I still fought! That was my thing. My shoulders were heavy but i’d keep fighting on. At any point of the year I could turn all of it around and own it. 8 is my favorite number after all. 2018 was supposed to be a good one. 

But then I went to sleep one night....and woke up to a world without my mom...my last surviving parent. The woman who raised me on her own, who was worried about me constantly, who gave the best hugs, and got on my nerves but it had always been the two of us. I still can’t believe i’m moving and living in a world that she’s no longer in. You just don’t come out of that like a champ. You can’t walk away from something like that as a champ. I tried to fight like I know she would’ve liked me to. Be myself. Try to do the things I normally did. I tried to honor her in all the ways I could but as each 17th hit I just got weaker and weaker. And i’m still so frail. The next month i’ll be in a new year without her. I didn’t want to go into the new one without her. I still don’t. 

And while I sat in my kitchen, minutes after midnight, crying so hard I don’t even think my eyes felt opened, with my phone in hand I just felt it all. I always read that people who get this point feel nothing at all...well I felt everything all at once. And I know that’s mostly because that’s who I am as a person. I care so much, I love so much. I love more than I need to. I love those who don’t deserve it. I love and care about people who do me wrong in and out and I want nothing more than to see them well and happy regardless. I just wanted to stop feeling. I’m so tired of feeling. Especially feeling everything. Feeling that I have to smile, that I have to answer that i’m okay and pretend to be okay when I haven’t been. I remember thinking ‘I feel too much to be loved so little’ over, over, and over again. Mom’s so lucky she doesn’t have to feel anymore. Feel or be tired or worry about anyone. I wanted that. For someone like me, it seemed only ideal.

Though, I know in the littlest speck deep down, I didn’t want to go. When I went to the movies that Sunday I cried at nearly every preview, thinking about about all the movies that I wouldn’t see. All the songs I wouldn’t hear and fall in love with and all the games i’d never get to play. I looked at the two pieces of my artwork on the wall and thought about how I wouldn’t create anymore. Not that I have in about a year or so, because its been a deeper battle to find that love again but...I’d never see myself improve how I wanted. I felt all of this too while I cried in the kitchen that night. While a good friend of mine talked to me about all the things i’d miss out on I felt all of it. Was I really satisfied with just having lived to see the trailer to Toy Story 4? You laugh, but that’s just how much that series means to me. And now that i’m in better mind, a semi-better heart, I can answer that no. No I would’ve missed out entirely.

It’s really a miracle I got through the 17th. It’s a miracle because I felt I was ready to say goodbye. I thought I was doing everyone I knew a favor to just disappear with no warning, no trace. I didn’t feel important. I still don’t feel important to any cause. I saw first hand how people rallied to love at my mom’s funeral and it’s so sad. How the living never know how much they’re loved until they’re laying in their casket. I wish mom knew how many people overflowed that hall for her funeral. Friends old and new and all the good things they said. I wish she could’ve known it all when she was alive. But that day, the people who knew my plan, reached out to me. People I cared about young and old stood with me through that day, buzzing my phone throughout. One friend sent me pictures of bunnies. Another of her cat. Another one just made me smile by just reminding me that she was thinking of me while my best friend just checked in. I got to show my friends Toy Story shorts they hadn’t seen. And I laughed at Toy Story 2 right into midnight of the 18th. I broke down afterward though. It felt like I had shoved aside a huge hurdle. All of it wasn’t the attention I asked for. It’s not the attention I wanted, even. It’s not attention that i’m proud to be getting. But all of it was acts of love. How could I just deny the effort of so many people that are fighting hard to keep me alive, reminding me that i’ve never been alone when I was ready to give up. Reminding me of the good things life has to offer. Be it their pets, your favorite scene, the things that make you laugh. Relationships i’ve created all on my own that i’d leave behind forever.

So i’m sitting here a day past my death date now reflecting on what i’ve been going through. If I had died that day I wouldn’t have seen my best friend laughing at some ridiculous internet catfish story that he got himself caught up in. I wouldn’t have enjoyed pancakes. I wouldn’t have heard about my best friend enjoying her goodies in the package I’d sent in the mail. I would’ve missed out on the good new soundtracks I own. I would’ve missed singing along to some old favorite songs from one of my favorite movies. 

Am I okay? No. I’m not. I’m furthest from okay right now and that’s okay. It’s okay to answer that i’m not fine instead of saying I am. It’s okay not to be happy all the time. No one expects that from me so I shouldn’t expect it from myself anymore. But I will be okay soon. I want to be. I’m not my grief and i’m a warrior. I can’t forget the people who love me and the promises i’ve made. All the movies i’ve got to see from Toothless to how badly Sonic does next November. One day I hope the 17 just becomes a sad number, and not a date I think of dying. Most importantly, I hope one day I tell my mom about everything I did after she fell asleep. The last day we were together she asked me what my goals were. I haven’t even started working toward them yet. I can’t disappoint her by having nothing to tell her when she gets to ask me again. 

Time and patience are said to heal all wounds, so I hope that it fix up this scar of mine. I still never imagined i’d be here. I never imagined i’d stare at death so close to the face and I guess that’s why i’m putting it all pen to paper. Well, figuratively. If someone I know closer to me found this and read it who knows what would happen. 

There’s no way in my lifetime i’ll be able to thank the people who stopped me even if they know they did or not. Everyday now is a day I could’ve missed out on and what I almost missed seeing. I beat the boss fight of the 17th. Now it’s just going at that final boss on the 31st. From here on out I want to do all that I can to just make it there and see the end of this (excuse my language) goddamned hell of a fucking year. Even if I can’t give my 100% i’ll try at 50. If I can’t do 50, i’ll try 25. I just can’t give up. 

And while i’m still not proud that I got this close, i’m proud that i’m still standing. I’m proud to wake up and just try even if the odds are against me. I’m proud to still be able to respond to my friends and tell them I love them day in and day out. I’m so proud of me for making it through even when I felt like I couldn’t.

I’m so proud to still be alive.