#i mean im 99.9% sure this was just like a filler thing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

blole-hack · 2 years ago

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i'm sure I'm demiro since i did simp for my friend at some point and totally did want to go on dates with and to like me back and was very possessive to (unfortunately. i'm very sorry to you bro... seriously i accidentally cockblocked him FOUR TIMES. I PREVENTED HIM FROM GETTING WITH THE PEOPLE HE LIKED FOUR TIMES. because i was a dumbass- but anyway. i mean he knows i accidentally cockblocked him and i confessed all my sins to him so yeah)

he was probably the only person I wanted to be stuck to (and ignored everyone else for [younger me dismissed his friends when they interacted with him while he(ex crush bro) was still there]) which is pretty toxic, but iTS EVIDENCE! i wont be like thaaaat anymore.

also i was surprisingly open to being Bi so dating any gender didn't really come across as a barrier to me, i was just significantly way more attached to him

but i guess i was totally into the idea of reaching nonromantic heights as well like being best friends or something similar to a qpr, but with the condition he wont ever date anyone LOL FJPKFJ":KSJF

also same, nonamorous is a thing and i was shooketh. i found out what it was just when I posted the post because i saw a 'nonamorous culture is' blog

also, i guess in a way i HAVE been in a relationship but it was only a "mutual understanding" of us liking each other. It wasn't an official/committed partnership. It was just an understanding of "we have a crush on each other. This relationship type is called MU. idk if this is also a thing in other countries.

The thing is this didn't even count as a real MU because I basically got self pressured into it because, amatonormativity brainworms. and I wanted to move on from that guy I mentioned earlier since there's no way in hell he's liking me. I know, that was so horrible of me, I didn't really know ok I was 12-13

She confessed to me first and my first response was to RUN AWAY. in discomfort and fear. bruh I shouldve gotten the clue by then

But I did like her in a "shes very attractive" and "im lonely as fuck" and "i probably logically have a crush on her since she does make me nervous"

So i accepted her confession later that day on messenger

I, unfortunately, freaked out at my ex MU partner.

In hindsight, I realized, she didn't even fit the demiro conditions so it makes sense why I didn't really feel anything/much. I just felt like I HAD to be committed out of duty.

The reason why I HATED THE MU was because

FUCK, I had to ACT a certain way the WHOLE TIME. I DONT KNOW HOW TO ACT IN A RELATIONSHIP. I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU THAT WELL. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME.

AND WITH ALL THAT, She suddenly acted so differently in it. There was so much flirting. And I hated that! IT WAS SO GENERIC. I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING MORE ABOUT HER AND SHE DIDNT LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT ME BECAUSE OF IT.

In fact, it was so forgettable I don't even remember 99.9% of what she said anymore besides her attempts on making my puns

(I call this filler flirting. flirting that ends up hampering actual relationship development in favor of cheap romance bullshit)

Its like she suddenly decided to like me, and drop all of her guards down when she barely even knew me. It's like she didn't even like ME. It was all just my bullshit human interaction façade things. I didn't even know who ME was back then. How would SHE?? All I knew was that I had to act a certain way just for her, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what that "way" was. and i also couldn't really distinguish yet that I was really faking who I was the whole time I knew her

my face was dead all the time but i kinda forced it so she won't feel bad. i tried to pathetically laugh along with her DOTA references... even though i didnt understand anything.

She kept trying to hug me, wanted to swap sweaters with me, and kept trying to feed me. She also kept trying to walk with me with her arm around me. It felt like I couldn't go to my friends. I felt kind of isolated.

And also that one time when she dropped the food she was feeding me on the chair's table. thats freaked me out (germaphobia-) but I ate it anyway because I felt like I couldn't reject it :')

she really was sweet tho

I DID want to get closer to her (out of some kind of duty or inevitability since I can't be in a relationship without knowing stuff about her)

But there felt like there were so many rules to interacting with her in this kind of context that I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. Especially since she started acting off a completely different script since then. I didn't know how to adapt. It felt like I was suddenly forced to act out as characters in a play with her, forever.

And then after a while of forcing myself to be committed, some feelings were triggered but I still didn't want to be in a relationship with her, I Just didn't want to be abandoned. and also I wanted the idea of it :")

She ended up not liking me anymore due to my cold nature and she called me cold hearted at some point (I deserved that). And dumped me, without me knowing (WHICH IN HINDSIGHT WAS PROBABLY also BECAUSE OF the thing in the next paragraph. I just DIDN'T KNOW FOR SURE THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE. APPARENTLY YOU DONT hAVE TO CLARIFY THAT?? BECAUSE ITS NOT AN OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP??? THATS SO WEIRD??)

PLUS with the hindsight of my very possible autism, a lot of the signs she thought "i didnt like her" and was "cold hearted" was just me being socially anxious because of my mannerisms and I DONT KNOW HOW TO HUMAN

so I desperately wanted to hide whenever I was around her. I was too scared to buy anything at the canteen with her (and this was most of when we hung out) . Especially with all the scrutiny I received early on about how I should be acting around people, and the fact that I genuinely just didn't know what to do, which was why I couldn't buy anything from anyone for a long time.

It was overthinking extravaganza. I knew what communication was supposed to be like, but I didn't really think that purchasing something counted as "communicating" I thought I had to say some things in the EXACT WAY my dad or mom would tell me to say it and it just bugged me out because there was no one to check whether or not I was doing something right in the way i interacted with people. So it was very agonizing to be stuck in an MU because of no one telling me what was right or not to do in it.

I didn't know how to look like standing next to her, especially in a canteen where I wasn't even gonna get anything. "what if they'd ask me what I wanted to buy, but I don't want to buy anything??" now I know what to do when that happens though

The way I tried dealing with that though was *inhales*

Crouching...beside her...while she buys...so I won't be seen....which was probably worse. I just felt so scared

I was also scared of the canteens because they looked so busy and I just felt like I didn't belong

or if it wasn't busy, I just didn't want to be looked at.

and

Walking faster to the canteen so we won't be beside each other (she didn't like that I think. this was the breaking point i think) (actually i was expecting her to get to my pace but she didn't wanna so mm i guess she just didn't like me then)

All of that scrutiny I received when I was younger. "you're doing this which is bad" etc etc. when talking about how I was interacting with shopkeepers, without telling me the underlying principle of how to interact with them BECAUSE IT DIDN'T COME NATURALLY TO ME was just uGHHH

I was scared of how I was going to be perceived when I was with someone who I was "dating." i was scared of being suspended for having a relationship (APPARENTLY THAT WAS JUST A LIE?? THAT NEVER HAPPENS?!?!?! IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE DO SEXUAL THINGS!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL. IF YOU WANT KIDS TO FOLLOW THE RULES THEN SAY THE RULES WITHOUT FLUFF.)

anyway that was that

also about my ex-crush, he was the one who helped me (and kind of taught me how to, in a way. holy shit) buy stuff from the canteen. through the process of, giving me, independence, on deciding what to say. Because, before that point on, I didn't KNOW I had the liberties of deciding how to phrase talking to a shopkeeper on buying something. AND NOW I CAN BUY STUFF! AND REGULARLY DO SO!

ACTUALLY before that, I already knew how to buy stuff, but it didn't feel natural. It was so awkward, but I pushed through because my parents arent at school and the canteen people were so nice. And I just bought stuff for the sake of my even more shy friends. Gotta take the hit if your friends can't, iykwim. But I only did that WITH people, or mimicking other people around me who were buying. Which gave me a lot of stress

but because of him and my other friends (who actually had the balls to buy stuff from the canteen) deciding to help me out, I ~developed my own style~ of how to buy things from shopkeepers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow i love them so much HUHUHUHHUH

and that was the turning point. OH MY GOD and apparently the whole time, the reason why it was so hard for me to recite, was because... *slams face on the table* same reasons as above.

uhhh oops that was even more not really organized

IN SHORT: yeah for both statements. and dating was horrible because I didnt know what to do ... abd I didn't even wanna do what my then partner was doing... i wanted to improve the situation but I couldn't... and also the fact that she liked me as someone else (masking) so I had no idea what to do anymore. At the time I really did think I liked her though, and that I just "stopped feeling something" and "it should come back/I have to make it come back" but I really should've known.

I'm not entirely sure if I didn't like her romantically because of the assimilation pressure, because of demiromantic things, or because of how she ended up liking me because of masking, or if it was all of the above,, or that she just wasn't my type and it was amatonormativity and my attraction for her was purely aesthetic and i only liked the romantic interactions.

but I'm sure I'm demiromantic because of the guy I liked (I liked him for six years, on and off! because my demiromanticism kind of wears off if we don't keep close) (rn we're still close but its platonic now fr)

also yeah in hindsight I also struggled a lot with all of my friendships because of assimilation. I think that was the reason why when I get home, I was just too tired to do anything school related.

but due to the pandemic, I got to be assimilation-free for the most part, and still keep my friends (the good ones). so that's awesome!

and there's barely any need for assimilation anymore. ish. until i get anxious and abandonment issues get triggered again because other people are getting along better than with me :'))))) but it's fine I'll be myself

edit: whoops forgot to connect your experience to mine. I was gonna say something about it

In every situation that doesn't fulfill the demiromantic condition for me, but people liked me, I think the way I respond to it reveals how aro I am even though I'm not a full aro. it just feeeels aro.

It was kind of the same as how you were with your ex gf. I felt that spiritually. "Did I just not like boys/girls enough?" "is this internalized homophobia?" but I felt the same way towards my female ex MU... so wow aro things

Also the reason they (both male and female almost relationship partners) didn't fulfill the demiromantic conditions was yet again because of a bigger problem of mine that I tried to resolve by assimilating.

(the disconnect i felt with people. the relationships i built back then couldn't accomodate two whole persons. I was very codependent back then. I didn't really have a need to have my own self as long as I had my friends, since they were literally my whole world, and people WERE and still are my fascination(i have other things now though, and now its more on psychology as a whole). and it's not like you can keep talking about other people to people. [the way this got resolved is at the bottom])

ALSO, because my assimilation behaviors back then were mostly copied from romantic stories so it was pretty hard for me to yeah... do anything except act flirty when I wanted to be kind. and since it was a "romance moment" I was like "omg romance?"

the perspective I have of it now is that, for the most part, I was doing what I *logically* had to do to maintain relationships and behave in them instead of really being myself. which ties into a broader problem of just me not knowing myself... which was probably caused by assimilation. I was just responding to stimuli, I hadn't truly had the time to introspect, I was way too overstimulated to do that. Me trying to gain a personality and a set of behaviors from zodiac signs or whatever personality tests could come up with, wasn't introspection.

the way this disconnect (caused by assimilation and caused by me being too fixated on specific outside people without really knowing how to deal with it) got resolved

was me turning my interest in people in outside things (shipping people and stories, academic psychology things, me writing down essays on my observations on human behaviour, story writing, how to write people, music, etc.)

and towards myself and I started journaling

and just finding interests that weren't as related to people but still kind of are because "why do I and other people appreciate this?"

and also developing my own morals

and every one of those ended up helping me with breaking down and simplifying face 2 face interaction and how to build relationships so YAY but i still struggle with it. but I do know the key principles to follow, and the way to get to those principles is flexible. ( things I wrote down in a post somewhere. )

after doing research on how to build relationships and I ended up writing my own sort of algorithm for it. and also I made a mental model on how to interact with schoolmates for schoolwork as well. but there's moments I forget my mental models and I freak out

sorry i have no idea what my point was anymore HAHAHAHAHAHA

so im definitely monoamorous romantically but im still definitely nonamorous

like, i just cant imagine being 99.9% (hyperbole/exaggeration) of the time just stuck to one person

i want things to be special, but i want every one (relationship) to be special, so i dont want to feel too special about it. idk its kinda strange. also most of the time i just really dont want a relationship, but also because I’m demi, but also even if im demiro, im still yeahh

I also might be orchidromantic to a degree. i mean i guess experiencing romantic shit is nice, but i dont really truly yearn for it yanno

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