#i mean i've been applying for jobs but i haven't been offered any yet and ones that don't sound like they're going to give me major burnout

[katya-goncharov]

it's such a weird kind of scary feeling now that I've moved home from uni, and for the first time, I don't know what I'm going to do from now on

[thetrashywritingwitch]

I never do this, but...

I've never outright asked for donations before. or any kind of financial support. but i'm kind of in a bind and have been for a while

I've been unemployed since Feb so nearly six months now. been job searching with no bites. I was working full time in animation and have been for over a decade, I have a lot of experience under my belt. but no one is hiring for my skillset, at least not in the US. all the job offers i've seen are in europe or canada or to work remotely, you need work visas for those places. it's been rough. i haven't gone this long without work in... ever. my prev studio that usually calls me back has not called me back this time. i'm on unemployment, and it covers 95% of my essential bills, but that doesn't include groceries or doctor visits, prescription meds, anything else that isn't on autopay.

i just had to pay $600 to fix my car which fucking sucked. i've applied at a few local places which i'd need my car to get to, but unfortunately haven't heard back from anywhere yet. but that put a dent in my savings that's been gradually going down since Feb.

THERE IS NO OBLIGATION AT ALL TO DONATE!!! if you can't or don't want to, totally fine. but i would appreciate a share if you can. and if you are able to donate to help me out, even $1 means a lot. if you want to request a doodle or bit of writing for a donation that's also totally ok. and anything donated would help me buy groceries, meds, gas, etc.

if you've enjoyed my fics and writing at any point over the years, any bit of help would be so sooo appreciated <3

[dollsonmain]

An I Have a Job Now ramble that is less about the job than about other things.

So the job is basically Do All the Things including some management activities like ordering goods at a small, family owned gas station/convenience mart at the edge of my housing complex which makes it convenient to get to, other than the part where I live in the far-middle of the complex so it's a bit of a slog. I could live farther away from it, but not by a lot. It's about a 20 minute walk.

It's going to suck when it's hot, and it's going to suck when it's cold.

It's also going to suck because the only reason my chronic hip and back pain has been even marginally manageable the past decade or so is because I haven't been moving or standing on my feet much, and now I'm going to be suddenly walking 40 minutes a day and on my feet working for hours between walks.

I'm also going to go from basically no UV exposure to 40 minutes/day so will probably start aging pretty fast. I look a good bit younger than I am due to that lack of UV exposure and being plump. I did order some lighter sunscreen as suggested, and hopefully that will at least take some discomfort out of those walks (and work) if I don't have to be super greased up.

It's $10/hr which is nothing and I likely won't get full time because then they have to provide insurance and I have no idea if their company is big enough to do that. Normally I would be annoyed by that but I've put in hundreds of applications and need a current job on my resume. It won't hurt just to get used to being At Work again, either, and it's both more than no money and so little money that leaving when something better comes up won't be too difficult.

Have to remember to manage my potty mouth, belching, and poots, though. That's not something I've had to care about other than when I was at the store for the past 17 years.

Also have to change my routine to hopping in the shower as soon as That Guy leaves instead of sitting at the computer because my hair takes forever to dry. This will suck more when it's cold.

They hired me despite my very poorly filled out application, which is a big red flag, or could mean no one else applied for early mornings which wouldn't surprise me considering how low the pay they're offering is. Will find out today when I get my schedule, I guess.

I will also find out what I'm expected to wear, then as soon as That Guy gets home with the car have to run out and buy work clothes, then come home and wash them because I start work TOMORROW. I'm hoping they'll either let me wear soft lounge pants or basic men's cargo work pants because Walmart has lots of those, and even had some softer ones yesterday which are better for me because of how hard it is for me to find pants that fit.

No idea what hours, yet, or if I need to bring a lunch/get a lunch break, or anything.

That Guy, after I had those kidney problems, he nearly let me die from them, and then the medical bills came in demanded I get a job and health insurance while being completely in the way of me getting either, and then also told me to get out when Son turns 18 and blah blah blah, and now that I've gotten hired somewhere, especially somewhere I don't need him to drive me, he's moping. He does not like not being in control, and he does not like me having my own money. He grills me on where every dollar I've come up with has come from and tries to monitor what I buy etc. Me having money makes him nervous.

He tried to demand information yesterday "how are we going to manage logistics" without being specific and when I finally got him to be specific, I didn't have any answers for him because I don't know, yet. He also whined "I just want you to talk to me... No one talks to me....." and yep, no one talks to him because he's consistently, distressingly unpleasant to talk to.

-

Then, to add stress to the stress, before I went to bed I got an incoming package email from USPS Informed Delivery stating that another big box of ponies for the salon is on the way, then another which is a doll hair plus chemicals experiment subject, and then a THIRD which is from Scott.

He sent me his old android phone so I can use the camera because the camera on the iPhone6s is kind of not great. Explaining the extra, unfamiliar phone to That Guy is going to be... Fun... It doesn't even have a SIM card.

I have no idea how I'm going to manage the salon now with a job, especially a job that WILL hurt, and have two boxes incoming.... Outgoing boxes will likely have to be taken to the post office because I can't sit and watch them to be sure they're not stolen anymore, unless I schedule pick ups on Saturdays. I guess I can do that.

It's going to be even slower than before, and I will not be able to work on personal projects at all for lack of spoons after working on commissions.

[spotsupstuff]

"Can I...?" her hands cautiously reach upwards to his head.

Orion's Pathway tilts his head at the request, eyeing the curious yet polite hands with confusion. "Can what? Gotta give me a little more to work with here." But still he scoots to sit a little closer to the miracle that is the Tinkerer. It would do no good if she thought his reply some form of shunning.

"T-touch the feathers... only that. I'm sorry if that is rude to ask, I just- haven't seen any birds around yet. Ales used to be brimming with them, their absence is... making me anxious."

"Ah," he nods, lowering his head down for her in permission. The touch of fingertips is light, as if the Tinkerer could be worried that putting any more pressure would hurt. Ridiculous a notion at this point- now he knows- he's taken enough hits into the head either from the fauna, flora or the environment itself to know he can take quite a bit.

So the antenna disguising for a wing presses a little against her, thankfully achieving the goal of giving her some confidence in the pats.

"...they feel real." the Tinkerer mutters underneath her breath.

Orion chooses to take some pride in that, "That'd be because they are! Only coated with such and so, so they would not waste away. I've been told they were collected from a siring bird, one that up North they've seen as a symbol of peace."

Her eyes squint a little, to betray a hidden smile. "Did the 'siring' bit play any part in all of that endless symbolism they used to love applying to the puppets?"

And his tone turns sad at that. Much to his own annoyance, getting the Tinkerer to feel any sort of light is such a chore all the time and now he kills it so quickly- "Protection. Fostering. Cherishing a life, guarding it with joy- out of joy, for joy." And he gives her a meaningful look, a stern one- he hopes she understands it.

That when it comes to it, no matter the history, he'll do his best to apply those words to her. To everyone here in the heart of the Root's signal.

A quiet signal of 'you are not alone'. Supplied with, 'please remember that'.

The Tinkerer glances away quickly at that, hand stilling, finding a resting place over the audial port.

"...what happened to all the birds?" He pulls away, righting his sitting position. Why is she like this. Always shying away from the offer of comfort, running back to coldness of depression as if it was a sanctuary?

She takes the motion with panic, both hands held up in surrender. "I-I mean! I'm not assuming you know everything! If you don't, that's fine, I swear!" Did someone give her a hard time for assuming that? Ugh. Another thing for him to investigate. That used to be their job, of course she'll assume it.

"It is fine." Orion tells her, gently pushing her hands back down. "They all slowly died out. As most things unfortunately do."

"...oh."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. You don't have to apologize for things that aren't your fault."

'It is my fault you are sad again,' flashes through his brain, processes- and remains unsaid. She'd only argue against it.

The Tinkerer curls up a little tighter, leaning against the cracked wall and old dusty pillows making up the window seats of the highest floor in the building they designated for medical care. He hates how small she looks like this. Terrified and lonely, not unlike a fledgling.

Her eyes are misted over, looking both into the night, to the Aeolus Root where the senior is certainly still working away and into nothing. Into memories of a life long passed, he's sure. She gets that look far too often.

"What do you miss the most?"

"Hmh?" she startles-

"From your original life. From when you were 'meant' to be here, as you say."

"When you say it it sounds stupid." She deadpans and he can't help but give her his version of a grin.

"That's 'cuz it is, Blue."

All he gets for that great wisdom is a huff and a glare, soon redirected back out of the window. At least her shoulders are less tense now.

"I suppose...," she starts and oh, he's relieved she will actually answer and not let the conversation die there. "I miss my family the most. And what they used to do."

"Leaving the shoes in front of the door, I'd always trip and then yell at whoever's the things were. We ended up laughing and play-arguing each time. I miss walking barefoot through the house, to the kitchen to help mom cook. At dinner I'd give my big brothers shit for never helping out in there and then the next day I'd catch them wrestling with my laundry, trying to dry it outside before the rains would come."

Just as he hoped, a smile starts returning to her eyes. A softer one, a little maloncholic- but a smile nonetheless.

"Playing chase with my youngest siblings outside, playing hide and seek in the crops... I miss being able to put down my mask and just sit in a living room with an instrument, humming whatever melody that'd cross my mind. And everyone would gather with me with either instruments too or just their voices." She tears up a little there. Hides her face behind her knees and arms.

"It felt so warm... Their smiles were beautiful." And her voices wavers into a wet shaky exhale.

It gives Orion a pause. That feels like a good cry, something she does need to get out. So he doesn't shush her, say much of anything- only scoots a little closer again. This time enough so that he presses a little against her side. She takes it as a lifeline, trading the cold wall for him, huddling against his clothes.

And though it's awkward, with him facing the other way, he puts an arm around her anyway. So she knows that she isn't alone while she silently cries her unfixable pains away.

To give her some time, he looks over the room.

It's warm here, too. Finally. It took a while to fix the damage enough, get some insulation going. The air filtration system is still a work in progress, but at least the night's chill won't get to them here.

Sporadic Change is humming distracted melodies while prodding some contents of a pot over the fireplace. A remedy for that gnash the Tinkerer has managed to score today while fighting off a lizard. Right next to it food is being made. Finally their organic charge will have a full stomach.

The Southern Winds are chatting quietly at a table, the younger sometimes snickering, the older hugging its sister to its hip while it speaks. They said they thought it'd be nice to keep them all some company, visit their older brother.

The one who's being helped up the stairs by a grumbling Fish. Even while infected by one of the most horrifying illnesses they can bear, Euros makes it a point to verbally jab at the elder. Giving a raspy laugh when the other gives him one of the most venomous side-eyes Orion has ever seen on such a religious person.

But still Fish helps Euros to the hastily put together couch, gently guides him down to sit comfortably enough. Still he checks over the bandages hiding the nasty infection from the rest of them. And Euros still thanks him earnestly.

And Orion's Pathway wonders- thumb slowly stroking the Tinkerer's shoulder while she mourns her lost family- if she will be able to see the other family waiting for her just behind her back, once her eyes clear of tears.

[xenocorner]

Hello, I'm sorry if this ask seems random. I'm a fine arts student, hoping to career in Illustrator and eventually college professor. I'm curious about how to get from college student to college professor. I am also trying to grow my personal and professional art accounts. if you have any advice for me.

Hi!!! Don't worry about the ask seeming random, I love answering art related questions! (This goes for anyone who wants to send art related questions too, btw. Even if this is a Dr Strange blog, I always welcome those :D)

Everything under the read more because this will be long, probably.

Now, as for the first part about bridging the college student to college professor gap:

I can only speak from my personal experience, which I believe is probably not the norm. I am currently a college student while also being a "college" professor in a different institution. I put college in quotations because while I teach at a college, I don't teach lessons in the degree. Instead, I teach courses offered by the institution that are basically intense boot camps with a 3 month duration (I teach both the Digital Illustration course and the Portfolio course). This allows me to teach at a college level institution without having my own degree yet.

Now, as for how I personally got the job, I didn't apply for it personally, I was 'scouted' by the institution. Meaning, one of the college academic administrators reached out to offer me a position. From there I sent a formal portfolio and CV, did an interview that was more like a briefing about the position, and then just sent my documentation. I've been working there since 2022.

Again, my experience is a bit outside of the norm. However, I can offer some insight about how I got the position.

I was scouted through ArtStation. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but ArtStation is a social media platform focused around visual arts (this includes illustration, character design, 3D modeling, vfx, rigging, etc). Here you can find professional artists in all areas (including people who have worked on productions you love).

This intimately relates to your second point about building your professional art account. Using sites like Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, etc is great. It helps build a general audience and get your work out there.

However, when one wants to work on this professionally and aims for a position in the industry (whether that's in production or education), it is also important to build a portfolio in a specialized platform. That can be ArtStation, Behance, or The Rookies. These platforms are focused on the creative industry, meaning they not only provide a place for you to display your work, but this sites also offer a 'Jobs' section that show job offers of all kinds in different studios. These are also the places recruiters usually go to for scouting artists.

The Rookies is a specially good place for people who are recently graduated or still studying. It's very similar to ArtStation, but it focuses on young talent, junior level positions, etc. This means that in this platform your work isn't competing with that of people with 15+ years in the industry.

Another pipeline from college student to college professor that I've heard of (but haven't experienced myself) is applying to a position in the same college you're studying at. You can prepare for this by researching opportunities within your institution (like doing your professional practices and/or social services within your school). That can help build a bridge from student to professor status so that it's easier to get that position in the future.

Another useful resource to search for jobs in art education (or jobs in general) is LinkedIn. Yes, it is tedious. But it notifies you about open positions in your preferred area, and it can be a good way to find positions and apply to them. Now, it's important to note that LinkedIn doesn't work like other social media. It's more like a networking platform. So it's not a place where you upload your sketches and expect likes and compliments from it. It's more like a virtual CV where you list your education and experience.

A separate advice would be to separate your personal social media from your art social media. That is, it's adviced you have an account to upload your art, and a different one where you upload photos of your dog or the friend group selfie. That is to separate your content, something that is generally important if you want to pursue art as a career. (For those who post for hobby, feel free to throw this part of advice out the window and just have fun lol).

Those are the most important things to take into account off the top of my head. I really hope this is helpful! If you have any further questions about the subject, feel free to send another ask and I'll do my best to answer them. This also applies to anyone else who has art related questions :D

[ithurtssomuch]

Sorry for over sharing all of this, just wanted to get this off my chest

I feel like I've got nothing going on for me. I'm almost 26 and I haven't finished college (already finished the classes but there's a project I have to do and I been meaning to do it for almost 2 years. I don't know what or how to do it)

My family keep telling me to find a job. I don't have the experience but I tried applying for internships. I didn't tell them I did, hoping to be like "hey, I got an interview" but I haven't heard a thing

Also, I don't have any friends, I wish I was exaggerating but it's true. No one to hang out with or talk to, sometimes I feel like an incredibly boring person. I've never been in a relationship, but if I can't make friends, how will someone like me romantically?

It feels like I've made all the wrong choices in my life and I don't know how to turn it around

Even if it may take some time for me to reply, my inbox has been, is and will always be open to those who need someone to listen to them, so do not apologise, my dear.

I definitely understand the college thing. I‘ve been through the very same thing, although I have to admit that I decided to allow myself to quit after I had found an internship, which turned into a student job, then into a traineeship and then a full-time job. I realised that university and the „I still have to finish it“ made me feel terrible. It made my depression and anxiety worse, and I felt..helpless and frustrated. My family kept pressuring me to finish university, but then I made the decision that I had to do what is best for me, and I quit. I've probably never felt as much relief as during that time. Which doesn't mean that this is what I'm recommending to you, btw. But it can always be an option.

If you want to finish college, I would recommend reaching out to some guidance prof if you have that or the prof that is supposed grade your project. They can help you try and break down the project into smaller, easier to handle parts. Maybe even if give you some tips. You have to break it down into small pieces, though, because your brain will otherwise always connect it with big negative thoughts. (It's easier to tell tiny negative thoughts to fuck off!)

Do not stress about age, though. (Definitely easier to say than do, I know...but) There are plenty of people who are older than you, who are still studying. Sometimes it just takes more time - that doesn‘t mean that that time is wasted. You‘ve lived your life, you‘ve experienced things, or maybe you needed a break because you couldn‘t focus on college. All of that is fine - you do not have to have your life „together“ at 26. Believe me, even at 30+ most of us don‘t.

Applying for internships is a wonderful idea and I‘m very proud of you for having done so. Even if it may take some time until you get a reply. For what it‘s worth, coming from someone who has been on the „having to do the interview and find new employees/internships/students“ end sometimes it just takes ages to get through the applicants. Depending on the industry you‘ve applied for, things might still be hectic. Perhaps reach out again to them and ask them if they have had the time to take a look yet because you‘d be eager to learn more about them and their business through the interview? Otherwise, just keep applying. Do they have covering letters where you are from? Try to apply whatever you do/have done at college in the past to some aspects of the internship to show off why you'd be the perfect candidate. I've always found that that helps the most when it's about getting an interview.

Have you tried making some friends online? You can also use apps that might be for dating (depending on the country you are from) to find friends (or dates if you wish to find a romantic partner).

What about trying new things - going to workshops your college might be offering? Who knows, you might meet someone there then. I mean, it‘s definitely scary !! doing stuff by yourself, but it will also make you feel great if you combine it with something you always wanted to try. (I went to my very first art workshop last year at an art gallery. I was fucking anxious, but I still did it and felt so proud of myself afterwards.)

And I know this message has already been waaaay to long as a reply, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate, so I wanted to suggest some (hopefully) helpful things. There is always a way to turn life around, sometimes through small decisions, sometimes through bigger ones. For what it's worth, I believe in you, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

I'm wishing you the best of luck for the internships and college. ♡

[komotionlessqueenmm]

So I wanna explain why everything has been so difficult for me lately.😐

To start I was essentially laid off at the end of March, I say essentially because their "trying" to transfer me from the old sight I used to work at.☹️

(I was/am a security officer.)👮🏻‍♀️

My last day was like March 28, and I only just learned about the transfer happening four days prior!🙄

Well the guys I worked with have all been transferred within a few days, and the general manager didn't call me for almost a week and a half.👎🏻

Instead he called my emergency contacts, my grandmother (twice), and my mother (once). My grandmother, my mother, and my old supervisor ALL made sure he had my number.🤦🏻‍♀️

YET HE STILL DIDN'T CALL ME FOR SEVERAL DAYS!🤬

I called him several times, and I only reached his voicemail. I proceeded to leave several voicemails, and I MYSELF GAVE HIM MY PHONE NUMBER!😠

The ONE time he called me, I freaking missed it because I was driving and my phone was on silent.🙁

In the voicemail he informed me that he wouldn't be in the office for the rest of the week, and two others would receive my information and they would assist me. (also letting me know that I can text him if I have any questions.)😒

Well surprise surprise they never called me...😤

So that following Monday I called him... He didn't pick up, so I texted him, asking for an update on what the hells going on.🤔

Took an entire two days for him to text back, he sent my information to another sight two county's away. (which is whatever, if the pay is good I'll deal with the drive.)😕

Well it was the wrong shift I work with, which again I can deal with that. But it was only $1 more than what I was making, which isn't the worst but kinda sucks.🙁

The deal breaker however was they don't work with a set schedule, which means one week I could work a first shift, then suddenly I need to work third, plus no set days. It's literally whenever they need you, you come in and work 10+ hours.😐

Which I was already working 12+ hour shifts, but I would literally die with the janky schedule. I've got serious insomnia, and I cannot fuck with my sleep schedule.😠

That's the FIRST issue I've been dealing with...😓

Now to add to it, a week before I got laid off, I traded in my old car for a new car. Like brand fucking new car, and so I'm paying almost $400 a month on this car. (only $100 more than what I was paying for my old car.)🙄

I was able to pay April's payment, with money I had saved from my last tax return. (never was able to properly save money in my savings account because I live paycheck to paycheck like most people.)😭

I've been applying for several jobs, because I'm done with this company I currently work for. And nothing is coming from any of them.😫

Like I've applied for jobs ranging from detailing cars at a dealership, to baking bread at a restaurant overnight, to THROWING TRASH! And nothing is working out yet!😔

Well when I declined the offer of the transfer to the sight two counties away, I text the general manager... Almost two weeks ago, and haven't received anything in response.😒

So that's been a bitch to deal with... My grandmother, and my mother have had to cover my other hefty bills, because I can't pay them myself. And I hate that so freaking much, I feel so freaking guilty for it!😥

My taxes have been completed, and I was looking forward to having that money for some of my bills, or at the very least to pay back my family.😇

But I received a letter saying a bunch of bullshit that makes no sense to me or my family, and instead of receiving a little over $1,000, I received $45...😣

During all of this I've been trying to apply for unemployment until I can get a new job, and it's been going nowhere for a little over a week. (which it takes awhile so I'm not surprised.)🙄

I actually very spontaneously took off last Thursday and drove two hours to my brother's house, because I needed to get away and try to get my growing depression and stress under control.😪

It helped a lot going to spend time with him, and my baby niece.🥰

I was there until late last night.😌

But when I got home I was reminded of everything wrong with my life right now, and sunk right back into that darkness I've been fighting against.😖

I made the post I made last night, and you've been so understanding and kind, and I love you for that!😍

But my luck just will NOT turn around for shit, as today my TV decided to completely die on me. (It was working just fine last night.)😒

I had a small breakdown while I was in the shower, as I have like $80 to my name, and soon April is gonna be over, and I'm gonna have to pay my car payment again.😰

So I've been losing my god damn mind, and as I write this I'm on the verge of crying like a broken bitch.🥺

I wanted you all to know what's been so wrong for me, and why I'm on the brink of crumbling under the weight of everything April has thrown my way.😣

Thank you guys for understanding, and being so very kind, you have no idea what it means to me right now.🤧

I love you guys seriously, you're really the only thing making me smile lately, and I need that so badly right now.🥰

Oh and I forgot to mention... Even more salt to the wound is that I've got ringworm on my tummy.😒

It's literally one thing after another, and the foundation with which I stand upon is eroding beneath my feet.😓

[taleweaver-ramblings]

Wait. You can confidently info-dump about self-publishing?

I'm literally begging you to do so, I need this knowledge. (I mean, I'm gonna do my own research at some point, but if I can also use a Tumblr friend's knowledge-- bonus!!)

(So this is very delayed because I was trying to finish my WIP. The WIP is not finished, but the chapter I've been working on for almost a week is, so I'm calling that a win.)

Can I info-dump about self-publishing? Can I info-dump about self-publishing? Buckle up, because we're about to go for a journey. (A very long one, fair warning.)

So, you wrote yourself a book.

Or maybe you aren't finished yet. Maybe you're writing a book. Either way, you want to share it with the world, but you don't want to go through a traditional publisher because, I don't know. You don't trust Big Book Industry. You want to have creative control. You think that querying sounds terrifying. You were cursed that on the eve of your first traditional book release, you would fall into a dreamless slumber from which you would not awaken for a thousand years. The point is: right now, you have two jobs. Three, if you haven't finished writing the book.

Find yourself some friends and a quality editor.

Decide what self-publishing platform you want to use.

There's more than one self-publishing platform?

Of course there is. The two big ones are IngramSpark and Kindle Direct Publishing. Both are very solid options. A quick rundown:

IngramSpark . . .

isn't run by Amazon. You may or may not care about this.

allows preorders in all formats and offers ebook, paperback, and hardcover options.

offers fairly wide distribution for all formats — aka, you can sell your book through most physical and digital book retailers.

costs money to publish ($49 for print and ebook; $25 for ebook only, plus an extra charge for revisions, if I remember correctly).

Kindle Direct Publishing . . .

is an Amazon service, which you might have guessed from the name.

offers ebook and paperback options. They also have a hardcover option, but I think it's still in beta.

allows ebook preorders, but not paperback and hardcover preorders.

offers wide distribution for all formats, but gives you a little bit of an advantage if you choose to only distribute via Amazon.

is free up front, but takes a percentage of your profits.

Kindle Direct Publishing (aka KDP) is what I know the most about, so that's what I'll be referencing. It's also what I recommend, especially if you're starting out and trying not to break the bank before you make any money off of your writing. It's a pretty straightforward process, it offers a handy program that will format your ebooks for you (for purposes of uploading them to Amazon, not for distributing to other people yourself), and, again, it doesn't cost anything up front.

Ingram's main advantages are that it offers physical preorders and hardcover format books and it isn't Amazon. These are all very nice advantages! Maybe you care a lot about one of them! If so, go for Ingram. Most of the actual action steps apply to both services, so the rest of this post should still be useful.

Ok, so we're publishing with KDP. So do I just upload my manuscript and go?

Slow down, my friend. Let's go back to the first action step: find some friends and a quality editor. Or, at least, find some friends who you trust and who know good storytelling from bad storytelling, have strong grammar skills, and are willing to read your book and tell you what you need to fix.

Never, ever release a book that only you have ever laid eyes on. Even if you are an expert grammarian, even if you have gone over the manuscript ten times with a fine-tooth comb, you will miss things. Not just grammar things — places where some story event is clear to you but not to others, where a character who's supposed to be kind comes off as a jerk, where you accidentally botch your theme in the climax because you got carried away by what's cool, and so on.

You can manage without hiring a professional editor. Get two to five people who fit the above description and have them act as beta readers. You send them your story (usually in the form of a Word doc or Google doc), they make comments and edits. Let them know what you're looking for (any and all comments, specifically character and story stuff, specifically technical edits) and maybe give them some specific questions you want answered. Make sure they have at least a month to read your book. Then, go through their advice and apply what's useful. Make sure you thank them in the acknowledgments, and maybe send them an e-copy of the finished version.

If you can afford it, though, I strongly recommend hiring an editor or, at minimum, a proofreader to go over your book. You can find freelance editors for hire all over the internet; if you want recommendations, find an author/writer group online (there's a few on Facebook that I can suggest) and ask around. Or contact your favorite indie authors and ask who they use. Either way works. The advantage of a hired editor is that they're less likely to cushion blows (this is their job) and they typically have knowledge that your beta readers might lack.

The point is, you want your book as polished as possible before you get it out in the world.

Ok, so I polished up my book and now it's so shiny that I can see my face in it (or maybe I just realized how much of myself I put in my characters). Now what?

Now we talk about how your book looks. Technically, this is going to happen concurrently with the editing phase. There's two parts to this: cover design and interior formatting. Depending on your skill set, you may be able to DIY this, or you may really need to pay someone to do it.

Of the two, interior formatting is the one you're more likely to be able to DIY. You can do it in Word pretty effectively (I know someone who uses Word exclusively); KDP offers templates that you can drop your book into, and there are plenty of tutorials out there. If you're comfortable with adjusting page layout and margins and using paragraph styles, you'll be fine. (Friendly tip: set your body type size a little smaller than you think you should — 10 or 11, never 12.) If you want to get fancy, you can use a page layout program like Adobe InDesign, but it's not necessary. And if you're formatting for ebook, KDP offers a program that will take your Word document and do all the work for you.

(The downside is that the resulting file can only be used to upload to Amazon, so you may want to stick with Word, export your document to a PDF, and then use another program, Calibre, to convert the PDF to epub and mobi files — mobi is the Kindle format; epub is for all the other screenreaders out there.)

Of course, if you're not comfortable with doing interior formatting yourself, there's plenty of people for hire. Some of them even offer packages: pay for a book cover and interior and you get a discount! Which brings us quite nicely to cover art.

People say not to judge a book by its cover . . . how much does cover art matter?

A lot. It matters a lot. If you have poor-quality cover art, people will notice, and people will probably judge you. Your cover art needs to have a clear, readable title and author name (even at small sizes), should be fairly interesting or eye-catching, and, of course, should reflect what the book is actually about. It's actually a lot like poster design, but on a much smaller scale.

Cover design price tags vary — you can often get premades for less money than custom covers, but the tradeoff is that it may not reflect your book as well. Professional covers can range from $80 premades/$150 custom to . . . well, much higher. You may be able to get a lower price if you go to a non-professional or a student, but keep in mind that you often get what you pay for. (Also be aware that there's currently a trend in indie fantasy cover design towards computer-generated models, which some people like, but I think look weird and awkward and video-gamey. Your mileage may vary on that point.)

On the other hand, if you're artistically inclined, you can design your own covers! KDP has cover templates that you can customize (keeping in mind that other people will have used the same template) and guidelines for sizing and margins if you want to workfrom scratch. You can find stock images (but make sure you're going to a legitimate source) and use those, or you can make your own art. Spend some time familiarizing yourself with the current trends and take note of what the book covers you like do well.

Also keep in mind that if you're publishing paperback or hardcover, you will need wrap-style covers for those, in addition to the front cover.

My book is polished and formatted inside, and I have a really nice cover. Now can I publish it?

Yes! Almost. With KDP, you'll set up a new book by entering all the metadata (title, author, publication date, page count, and so on), then upload your interior and cover files, then set your price and choose Amazon Select or Expanded distribution. Amazon Select lets you put your book in Kindle Unlimited (great if you're publishing a series you expect people to binge-read); Expanded means you get your book in Barnes and Noble and elsewhere (great if you know people who hate Amazon with a passion). If you purchased an ISBN, you can enter that as well, but honestly? Amazon will provide you with an ISBN for print books and an ASIN for ebooks, and there's no reason you can't just use those, especially early on.

At this stage, you also get to order a proof copy if you're publishing a paperback version of your book. Always order a proof copy. You need it. Colors may look different on the printed book than they did on your screen, you may realize that the font you've chosen isn't great, there's all kinds of things that can go wrong.

But, with all that set up, you can finally click publish. Your book is out in the world!

And now you have to get people to buy it.

That should be easy, though, right? I wrote a great story; how hard is it to convince people to read it?

Unfortunately, harder than you think. Indie authors get the pleasure of doing it all, and that includes marketing. Thankfully, you don't have to do all the work.

The typical way marketing works is that you'll get together a group of people known often known as a "street team." You'll give them your book blurb, book cover, links for buying the book, and anything else that might be useful. Then, you get them to post about the book on social media. You typically want these posts to be especially thick and frequent around two times: when you reveal your book cover (and push for preorders) and when you actually publish your book. Preorders and publication-day purchases do a lot to improve sales rankings, which helps your book get seen by more people. You'll also be posting about the book on social media, and you'll be doing it more than your street team is.

In addition, you typically want to distribute early digital copies of your book to people who'll review it on Amazon and Goodreads. Note that you can't offer anything besides the free copy of your book in exchange for this review or else you might get in trouble with Amazon.

For most of the last ten years, book releases have also included a "blog tour" — the author has the equivalent of a street team post on their blogs with reviews, character spotlights, author and character interviews, sneak peeks of the book, and so on. All this happens in the week surrounding the release, or sometimes just on the day of the release. These days, people seem to be moving away from blog tours, focusing more on the social media aspect of things. The key is just to get exposure for your book where there are people who might be interested.

Oh, and something you should be aware of here — you really need more people than just, IDK, your parents and a few relatives to buy your book. Specifically, you need people to buy your book who also buy books your book is like. If you write an epic sci-fi or fantasy adventure, but the primary buyers are people who mostly purchase cookbooks, memoirs, and historical fiction, you're not going to get the exposure you need. Basically, you want to show up in the "Customers also bought" section for the right books. Just something to be aware of.

This sounds like a lot.

Yeah. It is a lot. I told you I was infodumping. And, just to make things even better, it's kind of all happening at once! Here's a general timeline of how all this might happen, based on the supposition that you publish a book six months after you finish the first draft.

Six and a half months out — Find beta readers.

Six months out — Finish the first draft (and mention it on social media). Do a quick initial edit to clean up the stuff you decided to change halfway through the book. Send the book to beta-readers, giving them a deadline of about a month to read it and get back to you.

Five months out — Find a cover designer you like and can afford and commission a cover (usually takes a few weeks unless your designer is super busy), or design your own cover. If you're going to hire an editor, find that editor and settle on a price. Talk more about your book on social media.

Four months out — Get the book back from your beta-readers. Start editing with their changes. Figure out a street team, starting with any beta readers who had positive reactions to the story. Keep talking about your book on social media and let people know that they should keep their eyes open for a cover reveal.

Three months out — Send the book to your editor. Set up an Amazon KDP listing for your book, hit "release for preorder" on the ebook version. and do a cover reveal, which includes inviting people to preorder your book.

Two months out — Get the book back from your editor. Do all those edits. Format your book or send it to someone to format for you. Order a proof copy. Keep posting about your book.

One month out — Make final changes based on your proof copy. Finalize release promotion plans. Remind people on social media about how close your publishing date is.

One week out — Social media and blog promo starts in earnest with the street team. Finalize any last details that you've been putting off or that have been delayed. Make sure your final manuscripts are uploaded.

Three days out — Double-check that your final manuscripts are uploaded. Hit publish on your e-version and paperback version for the last time.

Day of publication — Celebrate. Tell everyone on the internet that your book is out there. Congratulations; you're done . . . until you do it all again with the next book.

Finally, two words of warning.

You may already know this, but I am contractually obliged to say it: beware of vanity publishers. Beware of anyone trying to charge you money to have your books published. This is different from IngramSpark charging $50 for essentially "hosting" your book. Vanity publishers will charge you thousands of dollars and then do nothing to help you actually sell your book.

And, on a related note — avoid hybrid publishers. These companies offer "publishing packages", often including editing, cover design, marketing materials, and books printed through their company. Many of these are legitimate businesses, but their quality varies, and you can typically get better prices via freelancers (plus, you can find people who you feel comfortable working with and who you know work in the style you want). There are probably some cases where a hybrid publisher is the best option, but there aren't many.

I think that about covers it.

Hopefully I didn't lose you somewhere in there. If you have any questions or want me to elaborate more on anything, feel free to ask! I'll probably be able to answer those a little faster, haha.

[lexpressobean]

Thoughts on Kikaichu as actual Parasites.

Knowing how skin and the body generally works on a medical level, the "hive" aspect of the Aburame clan really drives me crazy. 'Cause parasites are real, obviously, but the size of Kikaichu beetles makes absolutely no sense in comparison to irl skin parasites. At least not in a bee hive sort of way lol

rambling because my mind craves logic and I'm specializing as a wound care nurse but it's literally anime so what do I expect lol

No, wounds don't freak me out, I'm more terrified of generally handling vomit and babies than I am a dehiscence of a 15cm long surgical site lol. The human body can literally take so much abuse before it really starts to give and try to alert you that you need help! And once you give it help, it really can come full circle to the wound 100% looking like it was never there. The body is an amazing thing <3

However the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the word "parasite" is always going to be "tapeworm". That's not gonna change. However, kikaichu are not worms and CERTAINLY don't grow that fucking huge or live that long. (A tape worm can live long enough to graduate with a fucking PhD. Can you believe?) I haven't been exposed to any urgent situations involving parasites yet, however, the one I would compare a Kikaichu to that is (unfortunately) also common is the scabies mite.

Very briefly, scabies mites (Sarcoptes scabiei) are technically a type of arachnid that grow no bigger than a bout 0.5mm in size, but CAN be seen with the naked eye if you're looking for them. They crawl around the skin and burrow specifically in the top layer of skin, called the epidermis. The epidermis is that protective layer of skin and can be between 0.5mm to 1.5mm thick depending on which part of the body you're looking at. After the epidermis, you have the dermal layer, which is where sweat glands, nerves, and capillaries are found. Scabie mites will not burrow that deep because they only burrow to lay their eggs and such. As they do this they can cause visible tunnels and other marks that can be mistaken for acne or other skin conditions if not properly identified. You'll most likely know because the itch is VERY BAD.

They're very easily spread by close contact and a scabies infestation needs to be treated with a prescribed pharmacological means.

However, kikaichu are definitely a lot bigger than 0.5mm. In the case of size, I would compare them at minimum to fruitflies/medflies, which grow up to 3-5mm and maximum to ladybugs 4-7mm.

3-7mm > 0.5-1.5mm... obviously. And the holes which Kikaichu swarm out of that the audience has seen before are about a size comparable Shino's nostrils, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

You're telling me those things were in his mouth?????????? S H I N O N O

That would mean, in realistic terms, the Kikaichu are fucking around in Shino's body to the bone and muscles and THAT'S A REALLY SCARY THOUGHT. Even just passing the epidermis to the dermis is alarming! Compared to the dry, protective epidermis that can and does take damage, the dermis can be 1-4mm thick depending on where you're looking and is where skin does it's business. All together that becomes 0.5-5.5mm of space BARELY big enough for a fruit fly do mess around in. It makes just enough sense in terms of THAT size, but last time I checked, having the skin penetrated to the dermal layer is just asking for infection to happen. You're first natural line of defense has been breeched, there's a pretty good chance you're gonna be bleeding (blood vessels) and general body fluids are going to be draining, which is bad for a multitude of reasons, and there's damage that gonna affect the nerves, and realistically this shit is going to be ABSOLUTELY painful if they're constantly manipulating those areas near nerves. These kinda of things CAN make new connections and things like that, sometimes damage is forever. (Case by case basis).

So my first thought to more or less "magically" solve the problem with anime logic, is that first of all, it's an anime and logic doesn't have to apply haha.

On a more sci-fi level, in which kikaichu are smaller than we've seen them shown, maybe they have been purposefully been allowed to burrow into the dermal layer of the skin at least because the blood vessels seem to be in direct contact with the chakra system. Kikaichu's prefered food is chakra, but they WILL mutiny and eat their respective Aburame from the inside out if they don't balance their chakra smartly. So it's safe to say Kikaichu are at least carnivorous as well, and so I only imagine these absolute nightmares would swarm their prey in the wild, and actively bite through and burrow into the body of the prey until they found the chakra system and went to town on that poor unfortunate soul. Eaten alive, how the hell did they "tame" them in the first friggin' place??

I like to think two things:

1) Kikaichu are passed down from parent to child, and the parent has control over the Kikaichu until they have been RIGOROUSLY trained for generations to comprehend that this baby/child isn't food, it's a new hive. If bees can comprehend time, Kikaichu can comprehend what an Aburame is. If they insist on trying to drain the babe or the babe just can't tolerate them, the parent takes the Kikaichu back and the babe is assigned another insect or position in general. Like hell they're gonna try to force a relationship like that.

2) As part of the successful symbiotic relationship, Kikaichu regularly debride the tunnels and borrows that they carve into their respective Aburame, and are naturally intuitive in avoiding as many nerves and blood vessels as possible. The chance of infection is never 0%, however, kikaichu are pretty good about taking care of their tunnels, and so it gives the Aburame more time to focus on their things, like increasing the amount if chakra in their system. To ensure that they stay healthy, Aburame are encouraged to eat as much protein and Vit C possible every day, whether it be meat, beans, lentils, eggs, oranges, tomatoes, or even supplements as times modernize. The dermis is living tissue and as long as debridement/tunneling is going on, it needs to be nourished as much as possible.

I don't know how the hell Aburame deal with the obvious drainage that would be coming from their bodies, assuming the dermal layer really is free game for the Kikaichu. But the magical solution is that... they don't? Because... drainage is minimal. The Kikaichu just do such a good job lol. Maybe they purposefully... carve entrances to be flappy, or they purposefully create pocket spaces underneath seemingly healed areas of skin to easily burst open when necessary. That's the biggest thing for me, leaking body fluids. There's no way around that shit besides straight up denial lol Maybe they wear a special kind of dressing underneath their clothes, or that's directly applied with their clothes. Maybe that's what that cute little backpack is filled with, who knows!!

Idk man. I'm sure the Aburame authority forces encourages many of their non-hive members to pursue medical nin training in order to give the clan more privacy in general too. All medics that claim the Aburame name are exclusively used by the Aburame Clan. A non-Aburame medic may end up healing tunnels and burrows that were meant to stay open because "oops" and now you have an X amount of insects possibly suffocating within a completely sealed pocket of the skin, and also now there's a very good chance that after those insects die, that whole area is gonna frickin' abscess and cause infection induced tunnels the longer it's left alone and GROSS THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! THERE IS A DELICATE, ORGANIZED, SELF-SUFFICENT PROCESS TO ALL THIS!! A PROCESS!!!

Like... the other ninja in the NartVerse can make as many jokes, jabs, and comments about the Aburame as they please (INO? BITCH??? but to be honest I still love her lol). But these MFers are constantly playing Russian Roulette with these high maintenance demon spawn from hell, and there are VERY little defences against Kikaichu, virtually none. Like the only thing I've ever seen actively thwart Kikaichu across all media is killing them with mass fire, countering them with large amounts of poison gas (both very exterminator like) or literally just feeding them chakra until they're so stupid full, they can't move, the little gluttons. As far as genjutsu, it's been stated that it's both effective and ineffective, so idk about that. But the Aburame are just SO set up to be the living breathing embodiment of Shinobi as defined by the NartVerse. They're whole clan culture relies on the threat of enemies. If they have no enemies, the whole relationship is an exhausting endeavor for literally no reason. It's not worth it if there's no one to fight or protect! But when there is a threat, you want them on YOUR side.

I suppose the best bet is to incapacitate the Aburame individual asap and the Kikaichu will tend the individual, making escape easier. But, if you DID manage to kill that Aburame right away, that particular Aburame's swarm is now suddenly without its food source and without restraint.

What do you THINK is gonna happen, bro?? The second an Aburame loses their grip on their consciousness due to external influences, the bugs go bonkers because I'm pretty sure Kikaichu are simply persuaded to be in this relationship and have NO tolerance for bullshit like alcohol and overheating temps. If their Aburame dies, they probably cause just as much chaos as they would as a wild, unattended swarm. Then YOU BETTER HAVE fire or poison gas or SOMETHING handy. The only way to calm them down is to offer them chakra and a new host with equal or even more chakra reserves. Otherwise the mutineers must be eradicated.

And for serious... Like, any deeper and the kikaichu would be in the hypodermal/subcutaneous layer of the skin and that's where a lot of connective tissue is located. Let's NOT mess with that shit, shall we? NOT a good idea. It's called connective tissue for a reason first and foremost...

[crazy-loca-blog]

Casey Valentine: About Her Future

A/N: This has been one hell of a ride! Talking about Casey and her life has been an amazing experience. There are many situations about her future that I haven't figured out yet, that's why I'm keeping things in a very limited timeframe (around 2 and maybe 3 years after the end of her residency). Thanks a lot to @openheartfanfics for organizing this event. I've had a blast!

Meet My MC || About Her Past || About Her Present

Casey has been leading the diagnostics team for over two years now. And things have changed a lot.

As soon as she assumed her new role, she was determined to make the team the core of a system that also involves the rest of the departments at Edenbrook. And she uses her friends for it.

Casey, Ines and Jackie are implementing a special program to evaluate interns and residents in order to discover outstanding doctors that may support the diagnostics team and other areas in the hospital after their boards. It follows a lot of the guidelines that Ethan used when they were interns, but it also gives selected residents an opportunity to assist the diagnostics team in some cases in order to improve their skills.

Elijah and Zaid became her go-to people when it comes to studies and reseach, especially in those cases where experimental treatments are the only option for patients.

Sienna quickly became a team favorite. As the best pediatrician at Edenbrook, every time the team receives a pediatric case, she is involved in the course of treatment of the patient. Casey is considering to offer her a permanent spot in the team.

Bryce's research skills when it comes to evaluate surgical options for patients are brilliant, so he frequently helps Harper by giving her second opinions on certain procedures. He also covers for her as member of the diagnostics team every time she's on leave.

When a patient needs rehab after some surgery, Rafael is the one in charge of the process. The results his patients achieve in their recovery are proof that he has all the profesionalism, the patience and the work ethics the team needs in their collaborators.

As per Baz and Ethan, Casey convinced them to keep collaborating with the team on an ocassional basis. They are one of the best immunologists and the best diagnostician in the country, so she needs their brains in her team, even if it's not permanently. They assist in the hardest and most enigmatic cases.

Despite all their efforts, the team can't accept every case they receive. And that's when Kenmore help is appreciated. A year ago, Tobias, Casey and Aurora developed a collaboration project between the diagnostics teams of both hospitals, which now allows both Edenbrook and Kenmore to help twice the amount of people they used to assist when they worked separately.

Of course, none of this would be possible without Ethan's help. As Chief of Medicine, he has the power to approve most of Casey's projects, so he's been making a very good use of a position that he wasn't convinced to accept at first. It's definitely been a win-win situation when it comes to team work between Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Valentine.

Despite of them being very private when it comes to their personal lives, there is no doubt that Casey and Ethan are relationship goals. If seeing them working together in the past was a delight, the way they've been ruling Edenbrook after becoming official has certainly helped them become the power couple the hospital needed.

Because you can definitely tell they're not only great partners, but also each other's best friend. Their nonverbal communication skills are at a whole different level and they certainly boost each other in a way you can tell they're the best thing that has ever happened to the other. They're in love and it shows.

That's why no one was surprised when, after 8 months of becoming official, they decided to move in together.

But everybody was surprised when Ethan proposed only a few months afterwards. Except for his dad and her brother (who were the only people who knew about his plans), literally no one saw it coming, not even Casey (because yes, Ethan has mastered the art of surprising her).

They almost canceled the wedding... twice. The stress of their jobs plus the chaos that involves planning a wedding was beginning to affect their wellbeing as individuals. It wasn't a big issue for any of them: Casey never cared about having a ring on her finger and they both knew that nothing about their relationship would change if they didn't sign a piece of paper, as they were certain they had sealed the deal a long time ago.

The thought of an elopement also crossed their minds... and right when they were about to do it, Sienna came up with a brilliant idea to save their original plan: a micro wedding, that took place 6 months ago.

These newlyweds like saying they have a family of four: Ethan's dad and Casey's brother are pretty much the only relatives they have, so they consider them part of their household. They even have their own rooms in their new home in Boston!

They'd both agree that getting used to wear a ring has probably been the hardest part of their marriage, even when they cared about buying bands that were "compatible" with their jobs. But they are pretty sure that if they take it off, they'll end up losing it, so they kind of gave up. They expect to get used to it over time.

When they're not at work, they love exploring all the hidden gems that Boston has to offer. They've found a bunch of great places thanks to Rafael's recommendations, but they have also discovered a lot of new places by themselves. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy a good date at home after an exhausting day at work or getting lost and disconnecting from the world for a full weekend without telling anyone where they are.

This philosophy of discovering new places also applies to their holidays. Sometimes they'd go to well-known places, but they both agree that their favorite trips are those where they visit underrated destinations. Of course, they also leave a few days to visit Alan in Providence and to go to Casey's home in Virginia.

Kids? They have talked about it, but they don't feel ready to take that step yet. Not only their jobs are very demanding, they both have some baggage they need to get rid of before thinking about becoming parents. They're not in a hurry though, they're convinced that everything happens for a reason... they are happy, and that's all that matters.

She may not live with them anymore, but the roomies (and the rest of the gang) are still incredibly close. Casey still has lunch with whoever is available almost every day, and they still have a booth with their names on it at Donahue's.

When Casey moved in with Ethan, they didn't search for a new roomie. With the exception of Sienna, they all were attendings, so it was easier for them fo afford Casey's part ot the rent. They decided to turn her room into an office they all use a lot.

And none of them has the intention to leave their apartment any time soon. Housing in Boston is incredibly expensive, and they know none of them could afford a place like the one they have by themselves. This also gives them a chance to get rid of their med school debt a little faster.

Jackie, Aurora, Sienna and Casey also host a "girls just want to have fun" event at the apartment whenever Elijah visits his parents. It's a bonding tradition they started during their residency and they have no intention to finish any time soon. Sometimes, Kyra (when she is in town), Ines and Angie join them as well.

Bryce is the person she relies on when she needs a brotherly figure. She can definitely see a lot of her brother on him, and he always seem to have the right answer to everything. He also had to get a bigger place, as Keiki returned to Boston after being accepted at Harvard. Casey and Jackie guided her to attend med school... and convinced her to become a diagnostician.

The gang never knows when Kyra is going to make some surprise visit. She's been travelling around the world for a long time now, but she's been back home a few times for special ocasions. The last time they saw her was for Casey and Ethan's wedding.

Sienna and Casey have been exchanging recipes for a while now. Casey can cook to survive, but Ethan takes cooking to a whole new level, so Sienna usually comes to the rescue when her bestie needs help.

Casey is also playing matchmaker between Sienna and Rafael. She has been observing the way they look at each other for a while, and she's convinced they would make the cutest couple ever. Because beautiful souls deserve to be together. So yeah, she most definitely will introduce Sienna and Rafael's vovo very soon with some "help me cook dinner" excuse.

Tags: @adiehardfan @izzyourresidentlawyer

[stay-tinystars]

Traveling Teacher

Ship: Mark (NCT) x fem reader.

Traveling teacher, non idol au

Word count: 1585

Warnings: reader has very anxious thoughts at the beginning.

A/N: random story I started months ago. I hope you all enjoy this random story. I wanted to write something for Mark, because he's just adorable. I'd love feedback on what you think of this story.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. That's all you kept repeating in your head. You had to calm down, it was going to be alright. He would be here any minute, he was just running late. He wouldn't have asked you here just to stand you up, or would he? This couldn't be another prank.

 Leaning forward you rested your head in your hands. Trying to focus on the things around you to ground yourself. You felt the slight breeze around you. The sound of the birds, and the city. The wooden bench beneath you. The feel of the gravel under your shoes. The light weight of your jacket across your shoulders.

The anxiety of the situation seemed to decrease as you focused on the things around you. The sound of shoes against the gravel sounded calming.

"____, You actually came." his words pulling you back to the present, immediate relief flooded through your chest. You looked up to see him smiling at you, he seemed pleased.

"Of course, you asked me to come." You smiled as you stood up dusting off your dark jeans, fixing the hem of your shirt and adjusting the light jacket. You felt lightly undressed. He looked like a model, per usual. His perfectly styled, yet messy hair swept back from his forehead, the leather jacket over a vintage band shirt, and a pair of jeans.

"I wasn't sure that you would actually show." his eyes on the ground as his fingers ran through his hair. His eyes then met yours. "You're usually really reserved, I was afraid I might have scared you off, saying it was a date. I'm glad it didn't." his eyes becoming little crescents, as he gave a genuine smile.

The butterflies in your stomach seemed to swarm, as he guided the way. You started down the path towards the main part of the park.

-------------

Mark was a traveling music instructor, so he came to the primary school twice a week to teach beginning band, and choir. Being an office aid you saw him when he picked up his badge checking in for his class, and when he returned his badge. 

The first day he came in, he took you by surprise. The last traveling teacher was a grumpy older man, Mark however was literal sunshine, always kind and friendly to everyone he came across. The children adored him, and all the ladies at the school gushed over him, single or not.

In the few words you would exchange as he checked in and out, you slowly got to know him. You both shared a love for music, especially live music. Last week when he mentioned going to the free concerts in the park you talked with him about some of the ones you attended last summer. That's when he invited you to join him for the mini festival of cover bands that weekend. Completely ignoring the other flirtatious aid, who offered to go in your place, being as you 'didn't get out much'. He just smiled and looked back at you, stating it would be a great getting to know you date. After that he left. You were as red as a tomato, laughing internally at your coworker who was now insisting that there was something wrong with him.

---------

"We haven't ever discussed what made you want to be an office aid at a school" Mark noted, as you strolled towards the outdoor amphitheatre.

"Truthfully I never planned on being an office aid" you laughed. "I wanted to do something with kids, but I didn't want to teach. I considered being a school librarian, but every job I applied for fell through. Then someone my mom knew was retiring from being an office aid, and my mom gave her my resume. I got a call for an interview for a job I never applied for. They ended up hiring me immediately after my interview. I guess the rest is history."

"They must've known you'd be great with kids." He remarked as he guided you towards the small seating section.

"I'm not so sure. I think they needed someone who was kind, but had a firm hand. So I got the job."

"I've seen you with some of those kids. Even the troublemakers listen to you." He praised as he motioned towards the reserved seats in the third row off to the side.

"I'm nowhere near as good with them as you are. You helped Jin get into that special summer program, which I never expected to happen. Especially after he flushed Mrs. Kim's prized fish last year." You praised back as you both took a seat.

"I heard about that." He chuckled. "Jin has a lot of potential, he just didn't know how to direct it. All I did was guide him, and help him on the right path."

"Is that why you became a traveling teacher?"

"Actually, no." He let out a small laugh. "I was supposed to be in Law school. After the first semester I knew I couldn't handle it. I had been tutoring kids in music lessons when I decided I would just try that path. I must say I feel like I make more of a difference now, then I would've as a lawyer."

"You do make a huge difference at my school. The kids are always excited when they get to have Mr. Lee's class. We also have less absences on the days you teach."

"I don't know that I make that much of a difference." His ears turned a slight pink.

"You do. I'm sure we will see many kids in the music industry in the future because of you." 

"Guys look it's Mr. Lee, and Miss ____." A child yelled from behind you. The two of you turned in your seats,, to see a few students getting settled in the grass a ways behind you. You both smiled and waved.

"I bet they are on a date!" Another said loudly, your eyes looked down, as you turned around in your seat. The blush was apparent on your cheeks. As Mark made a big scene of stretching and putting his arm around you. A light giggle left your lips as you looked over at him, with a questioning look.

"What?" He asked, and you glanced at his arm then back up to his face. "The kids have to learn somehow. This is how to be smooth." he nodded then did an over the top wink. You laughed again, covering your face with one hand, shaking your head. He was anything but subtle or smooth.

Soon the music started, the energy pulsed through the air. You both sang and danced along to cover after cover. The first band played music your parents listened to.

The second band played music from the early 2000s which Mark ended up serenading you with.

Between bands you just sat, and talked. He found out your favorite movie. You found out he loves cookies and cream Ice Cream.

The last band was a big band 1950s style cover band. During a slower song Mark spun you around, dancing between the rows of seats.

The mini festival seemed to end as soon as it began. The sun had started to pitch in the sky, when Mark asked you to join him for dinner. With a nod of your head you both set off towards the main road in search of food.

"Can I ask you a question?" Mark asked, as you both strolled the main walkway.

"Of course" you looked towards him, curiously.

"If I were to hold your hand would it make you uncomfortable? I mean if you don't want to we don't have to. I mean this is our first date. If you want to consider it an official date. I am but..." he stumbled over his words, he seemed as panicked as you felt. Your lips slightly turned upwards as you reached for his hand.

"We never know unless we try right? That's what I tell the kids." you stated with a small nod, as his fingers encompassed yours. His thumb gently rubbing the back of your hand as you walked together.

"That's a good way to look at it. I like the way you look at things. I've noticed that you like to look for that silver lining." He noted, as he glanced towards you, slightly bumping you with his shoulder.

"I have to, it's the only way to keep the storm clouds from taking over." the words came out before you could stop them. His hand gently squeezing yours.

"Storm clouds are part of life. I've encountered my fair share of storms, but most people dwell on the storms." His words settled in your skin. "You don't seem to though."

"It takes rain to make a rainbow." You said quietly, taking a deep breath. "I've been through a lot of storms, some destroyed me. Though those I've learned as the storms come to try to make the best of it, because I know there is a rainbow coming."

He paused his stride, softly pulling your hand making you stop, you turned to face him. His smile was genuine and pure. The setting sun gave him a warm glow.

"You know, I'm starting to think you're my rainbow." His soft words made you melt.

You could feel the heat in your cheeks and ears, as you looked towards the ground. Then back into his eyes. "You might be mine as well"

[blackguanabana]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5TH 2021.

(Writen on Saturday 6th @ 12:42 AM)

This is how my day went:

- Had a bad night. Anxiety & overthinking hasn't been letting me sleep properly.

- Woke up early with an awful pain around the left side of my neck after sleeping for a few hours in the worst position.

- Went to a doctor's appointment. everything was fine except my cholesterol. No surprise. That has been a problem since i was a kid.

- Went to another appointment to apply for a job (This is their role. Helping others finding jobs that are available and.

- I arrived with the papers my friend told me to hand out. They told me I didn't had every document so they couldn't do a thing other than give me a list of all the documents needed.

- Went to Walgreens and bought a few things I needed.

- Headed home.

As I was about to write ''I wasn't as productive today as I wanted to be'' I realize now how much I punish myself mentally for not doing certain tasks.

I literally just went out to a doctor's appointment, drove to get an orientation for a social work job, bought things I needed, did laundry and prepared + fixed a couple of thigns from some art notes I'll be doing soon.

In my head, being productive is being super busy. Doing a lot of things at once especially house work (since I'm unemployed still and I'm mostly at home cause I'm done with uni. And by ''I'm done with uni I mean that I graduated already).

Some of these punishment and judgement and spot that I put myself in also comes from the juding coming from my own mother.

If I don't do like 20 things around my house, I basically did nothing at all. In my own head I gotta be busy and doing this and doing that AND THEN I can call it ''productivity''.

That's not even what productivity is or what it means. Reading a book and journaling can be productive. But I look at my agenda and I don't see a huge list of things I have to do, I feel bad. It feels like I'm not oding a thing at all. When I actually am.

And the fact that I'm not that mentally stable (lol) at the moment, how I'm treating myself on the inside (with this whole productivity thing) just makes everyhting worse.

This is the second time I've noticed. Now I gotta work on this part of myself while working with my anxiety.

The good news is that, though they couldn't give any info about the social work job because my documents were incomplete (thank you Egna *eye rolls*), I heard they offered baking classes.

Which is what one of the things I wanted to do since I was a child? An early teenager? Idk, but it's a thing I wanted for many years. I had an uncle that baked and he was gonna teach me how to bake, but he passed away many years ago. And nothing happened after that.

I stopped thinking about it for years and I completely forgot about it when I had to decide what I wanted to do in university. In a time when I didn't know what the fuck to do with my life.

It came back and I'm excited that they have available two spaces for new members/students. So I gotta schedule that very quickly and find the rest of the documents that I needed.

I would like to earn extra cash this way so that I can pay for my professional wrestling classes. I've already mentioned that I'm not so sure about the social work job, but I gotta know what positions they'll have for me and what they'll do with me. Because they were asking for psychology students with bachelors degree. But on the other hand, you gotta have a license for that.

Anyways, we'll see what happens. At least with the baking stuff I can turn it into a small business or find a job at a café or bakery shop. Let's pray that these manifestations come true.

The most important thing at the moment ar emy professional wrestling tainings (that I haven't start yet lol caus eI'm broke atm) and baking classes come number 02 on that spot/list.

🌱 SONG OF THE DAY 🌱

HOLY TOLEDO! - GREEN DAY

[one-boring-person]

I Trust You.

Marko (The Lost Boys) x Chiraptophobic!reader

Warnings: very vague mention of abuse, but they do not apply to the reader necessarily.

Context: The reader suffers from chiraptophobia (the fear of physical human contact/touch) and has somehow found themself in a friendship with Marko, who has somehow managed to understand how to not constantly need to touch his friend to show affection, until they take a ride on the Ferris wheel.

A/N: This was interesting to write, so j hope it's turned out alright. I guess I took a little inspiration from Death Stranding's Sam, but I thought it would be fun to do which it was. I hope it's enjoyable!😊💛

Masterlist

It took Marko weeks to finally figure out why I always shied away from his advances, why I'd stared uncomfortably at his offered hand until he withdrew it when he'd tried to shake mine in greeting, why I always wore gloves even in the suffocatingly hot summer air (despite him doing the same), and why I wouldn't go near people I don't know personally, often doing my hardest to steer clear of others in general. Rather than ask, he tried to work it out for himself, observing my behaviour and mannerisms for hours on end, though he still couldn't get what was up with my actions. He'd had to ask for some help from the others, though only David and Dwayne could offer any plausible reasons as to why: maybe I'd been abused in my past and was now averse to unfamiliar human contact, or maybe I was a germophobe. When the young vampire had asked me about both, I'd quickly denied them, thinking that it is unlikely he'd understand the real reason for my odd behaviour. It was only when he saw another person try to shake my hand that he finally noticed the emotion passing through my eyes at the prospect, at which point it all clicked into place. I was afraid of the contact.

Explaining to him what chiraptophobia is was surprisingly easy, though he was a little disappointed by this fact, being a very touch-driven person when around others, even when not in a relationship, though he did manage to take it in his stride, taking time to inform the boys of this as well, in case one of them accidentally made me uncomfortable. He'd nearly ripped Paul's head off when the taller vampire tried to wrap his arm around my shoulders, only letting up when I told him it was alright, that there was no harm done, despite how uneasy I felt afterwards. Since then, Marko has become almost like a bodyguard for me, making sure no one ever comes into my personal space, all while keeping his distance, too, respecting my limits.

We became fast friends, so much so that he eventually told me his secret, revealing his true self to me on one of the nights we chose to hang out together, alone, on the beach, a night I'd never forget. Naturally, I'd been shaken by this revelation, but soon grew used to the idea, knowing that my friend would never hurt me, not intentionally. After a few months, I finally felt comfortable enough to let him touch my gloved hand, though it still made me feel a little uneasy, the sensation of another person's fingers on mine unfamiliar and disturbing to me, but it made the vampire unbelievably happy, a bright smile plastering itself across his face for the rest of the night. He tells me he had to fight off the urge to hug me, for which I'm very grateful - touching a covered hand is very different to being enveloped in an embrace. Since then, he's taken any chance he can get to hold or touch my hand, always beaming like a beacon when he does so, my discomfort in the contact fading a little over time, though I'd soon found that it was only with the curly haired blonde that my body reacted like this, having asked Dwayne to try at some point, to see if it improved overall. Having come up negative in this test, I gave contact one last try with David, who never seems to take off his gloves, only to find that his touch made me uneasy as much as Dwayne's had, despite the two layers of cloth between our respective fingertips. The memory still sets me on edge, though I am well aware it has nothing to do with either David or Dwayne, rather my own mentality.

A shiver goes up my spine as I feel a hand slip into mine, though I quickly recognise the young vampire stepping in beside me, my stance relaxing again when my body realises whose touch it is, though my arm still remains a little tense, out of habit. Reassuringly, Marko swipes a thumb over the back of my glove, glad that I haven't rejected the contact yet, meaning I'm doing better than normal.

"Hey Stranger." He greets, grinning widely at me.

"Hey Blondie." I reply, smiling back at him in return, before casting a quick glance around for the others, "What'd you do with the other three?"

"They're around. Not sure where." The young vampire shrugs, dismissing the question quickly, "How was your day?"

"Not too bad. I didn't get much work done though, I was too preoccupied."

"Preoccupied? With what?" Marko inquires, raising an eyebrow at me in confusion, though his lips are still quirked up into an amused curve.

"That's for me to know, and for you to figure out." I chuckle, tapping the side of my nose secretively.

"Challenge accepted." He smirks, eyes lighting up at the prospect.

I smile at him as we walk, knowing he'll figure it out eventually, the answer being a little closer to home than he thinks.

"Anyway, how'd you sleep?" I question him, eyeing the Ferris wheel off to the side of the Boardwalk.

"Better than usual, actually."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

"Paul didn't snore so much for once, and David wasn't muttering in his sleep either, so it was pretty quiet, altogether." He explains, smiling when I laugh at the mention of David.

"Wait, David talks in his sleep?"

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone! And especially don't tell him that I told you, or I'll have my ass kicked to the moon and back." Marko grins, biting his thumb as if nervous, though I'm aware that this is one of his signature mannerisms.

"That's a lot of ass-kicking. Probably quite impressive to watch. " I muse, noticing his arm lift slightly, as if to give me a playful slap on the arm, as he normally would've done with someone else, only to briefly squeeze my hand instead, shaking his head in mock exasperation. I grin at him, before turning my gaze back towards the Ferris wheel, admiring the glittering lights in the black night sky, wondering what the view is like up there.

"Wanna take a ride?" Marko interrupts my thoughts, eyebrow raised in amusement.

"Huh?" I blurt out, not having heard his question, quickly snapping my eyes back to his.

"Do you wanna go on the wheel with me?" He repeats, gesturing with a nod of the head to the great circular structure a little way away.

"I would love to, but I don't have any money on me tonight. I forgot my change." I say, somewhat remorsefully, using my free hand to pat my pockets to check for any loose coins, though I'm well aware I have none, having spent it all on food earlier in the evening.

"Who said anything about you paying? Come on, it'll be fun!" The blonde vampire promises, pulling me into the crowd, which parts around us thanks to his reputation (and choice of company), meaning no one comes into touching distance. At one point, my arm brushes past some surfer's bare bicep, which sends uncomfortable shivers and goosebumps through my body, the bitter, irrational fear that comes with it soon biting at the back of my mind, my pulse picking up slightly in response, my muscles turning rigid under my clothes. Marko notices this, briefly stopping to make sure I'm ok, before turning to memorize the surfer's face, most likely intending to take it up with him later, before we continue on, swiftly reaching the shortening queue for the Ferris wheel. Beside me, Marko fidgets and shifts in place, clearly eager to get on the rotating structure, his thumb between his teeth as usual, doe eyes focused on the ticket booth.

"Calm down, Blondie. The wheel isn't going anywhere." I laugh, watching the people around us as they amble to and fro, inching out of the way as a group of made-up girls push past, wincing as I brush against Marko, only to feel surprised when I don't feel the usual discomfort rising up in me from the contact, setting a train of thought into motion. I barely notice as the queue diminishes, only really returning to the present when we reach the booth, at which point Marko buys two tickets and leads me into one of the seats. An attendant comes over to help us secure ourselves, but Marko quickly stares him down, doing the job himself with efficiency.

Not too long after, we've reached a decent way off from the ground, our feet swinging gently in the air as we watch the Boardwalk from above, grinning and joking with each other as we take it in turns pointing out random individuals, making comments about them until the other laughs. At one point, the young vampire manages to spot David, Dwayne and Paul, making some sort of remark about how the leader's hair "looks like a pineapple from the top", before comparing the latter's to a mop. I do my best to hold back my laughter, but it only results in me nearly choking as he starts pointing out more and more likenesses between his friends and everyday objects, tears threatening to spill as I struggle to contain myself. It is only in this moment, that I realise one thing, but it takes me a couple more minutes to act on the thought that has sprung to mind.

Slowly, I pull off my left glove, teasing each finger out of their designated space with a deliberate hesitation, wriggling them a bit once I've exposed them to the air, enjoying the sensation of the light breeze around my heated digits. Marko makes a point of ignoring this, turning his gaze up to the star-strewn sky instead, only to snap his eyes back to mine when he feels a single finger touch the skin of his hand. Gingerly, I trace it over his knuckle, expecting to feel a rush of discomfort, my movements careful and calculated, knowing this is the first time in years that I've had deliberate contact with another person's skin. From my fingertip, it feels as if an electric shock has travelled through me, butterflies suddenly appearing in my stomach. Biting my lip when nothing bad happens, I continue this movement with the rest of my fingers, cautiously slipping my hand into his, enjoying the feeling of his icy cold palm against my warmed one, my eyes finding his shocked ones as our fingers intertwine. In them, I find a tonne of questioning, though he makes no move to actually ask, instead remaining quiet, carefully tightening his grip around my hand as he tries his best to feel as much of my soft skin as he can, the calluses from the handlebars of his bike rubbing slightly.

"What does this mean?" He eventually queries, elated that he can finally hold my hand without a glove being in the way.

"It means that I trust you. I've had no reaction to your contact, and I think it's because I enjoy being with you, and also because you've increased my confidence levels a lot since we first met. I've been trying to figure out why I'm ok with you touching me and no one else all day, which is why I was too preoccupied to work, but I finally worked it out." I inform him, telling him part of the truth - in reality, my trust goes a lot further than wanting a platonic friendship.

Marko is quiet for a moment, as if not quite understanding what I've told him.

"You trust me?" His voice is laced with disbelief, eyes fixing on mine again.

"I do."

Eyes widening again, he smiles, his other hand coming up, as if to try and wrap me in a hug, but the awkward positioning of the barrier, as well as the reminder of my usual discomfort, stop him in his tracks, his hand tightening around mine instead .

"I'm really glad you feel that way, (Y/n). Not many people do." He chuckles, referring to the naturally predatory air he gives off, being a vampire and all, still surprised that I let him touch me.

"I feel safe around you because I know you're my friend, but not many people can have the same claim." I point out, watching the view a little, enjoying the sight of the many glittering lights sprawled out before me, admiring the tiny orange specks of fires on the beach, as well as the rapidly moving headlights of a train passing through the outskirts of Santa Carla, most likely heading out towards the Bridge.

"Fair point." Marko agrees, still staring at our joined hands, which he continues to do until we reach the bottom of the wheel again, at which point he has to let go in order to remove the barrier from our laps. As soon as we're back on the Boardwalk, however, I slip my hand back into his, a small feeling of warmth welling up in me as I see the bright smile splitting his face, clearly happy that I've willingly made contact with him again.

A whistle behind us draws our attention, the sound belonging to a grinning Paul, who approaches us, along with David and Dwayne, who are both smiling at the sight of us, the latter more so than the former, though both seem glad to see their friend happy. As they come closer, I make eye contact with Dwayne, who lifts an eyebrow in questioning, a smirk making its way onto his face when I silently give him a nod, knowing he understands what it means.

I've fallen hard for the blonde vampire who's helped me get over my fear.

[ma-gic-gay]

The kiss had complicated things.

Asking for an anullment had complicated it even more.

This was just supposed to be a marriage of convenience, a marriage built upon keeping Wiley safe from everything that could hurt him. Especially Nelle. They got married to protect him, so Michael could have a better chance in court against her.

After they won sole custody, the psycho bitch had kidnapped him after slashing Brook Lynn's throat. Thankfully, Michael had found them and saved Wiley.

That damn kidnapping is the reason Willow's thinking like this. Well, maybe one good thing came out of that besides extra quality family moments: her kiss with Michael after he'd brought their son back home.

Their son. Willow was officially adopting Wiley. Diane had the paperwork ready to go, all they had to do was sign it tomorrow and then her and Michael would always be in each other's lives, whether they wanted to or not.

She really wanted to be in his life in a bigger way than just a co parent for Wiley. As much as she loved that little boy, and there was no way to put the love she has for him into words, she didn't want to be the parent who's house he goes to on the weekends or a visitor to him. Granted, Michael would never let that happen. He was too kind, too perfect when it came to that, amongst other things. Michael wanted to make sure that their family stays just that, a family. Dysfunctional to an extent, yes, but a family.

It's almost like everyone is yelling for them to get together. Even his grandmother and brother who had met Willow ten seconds before saying how obviously happy she made his little brother.

Maybe she's just overthinking this. After all, Michael might still be in love with Sasha. It's completely possible; they were together for a long time.

But...

What if she's not? What if this isn't all in her head, and she's not freaking out and internally losing it over nothing? What if this is real, a genuine connection, and they're just throwing it away?

Dante said something about this when they'd met, in between quick witted remarks about the dysfunction she had married into. He'd actually said a lot of important things, she thinks.

"I'd ask my little brother if you make him happy, but you obviously do. I can see it written all over his face," Dante had said as soon as they were introduced.

Michael had brought up getting an annulment as opposed to a divorce, which she explained had been in part because they didn't have any irreconcilable differences. "Well, I just got here, so what do I know, but you two seem pretty happy together. And compatible- genuinely, that's a rare thing! But you guys know what's best for you guys."

She couldn't believe it. Each day, their family moments, it felt more and more like normal. Her broken heart had mended, she knew it. When she had to speak to Chase the other day, she didn't feel like she was in love with him anymore. She could look him dead in the eyes and still not feel that spark.

It was a confusing situation in general, with Michael having asked for an annulment after saying how great she was and kept looking at her with that look, the half smile and loving eyes.

How she loved that look. It was becoming a favorite thing of hers, seeing him look at her like that. She didn't know what it was, but if anyone was going to, she figured it would be Dante.

Or she could ask Michael himself. After all, they always promised to tell the truth to each other no matter what happened. Honesty and trust were the foundation of their marriage. Despite the fact it would be ending a lot sooner than she would've liked, they were still married. Rules still applied.

And that's how she ended up waiting anxiously in the foyer for her husband to come home. "Hello, Willow. What are you doing?" Dante asks when he walks in the door. "I mean no offense by that, of course, it's just you look like you've got something on your mind. Or, rather, someone. You also look like Lulu back when we were just married and she was so excited to see me at home, so I'm going to guess you're looking for Michael and have something important to tell my little brother."

"I can't get anything past you," she chuckles softly. Dante genuinely cared about the people around him and who made his family happy, that she could see easily.

"So why are you waiting for my brother?"

Willow takes a deep breath, sitting on one of the stairs so she stops pacing. "Well, you look like there's something on your mind. Wanna talk about it?"

Dante let's out a quiet laugh. "You don't want to go first, fine, I will. I just saw Lulu at the Floating Rib. She was there for Maxie's engagement party, I guess. Something I was not invited to, since she didn't know I was back in town. Anyways, we were chatting and then Dustin walked in. He was talking about a PTA meeting. I knew they were serious, but I had no clue that they were serious enough he's on the PTA."

"Dustin's not on the PTA, he's a teacher. He had to make a presentation. I know because I'm a teacher too. I get kids who have been transfers from his school." Willow informs him, watching as relief goes over her brother-in-law's face.

"That's good, but still. He then offered to start getting to know me, practically insinuating that I'm just some dude he has to deal with in Lulu's life. It feels like a bad love triangle, the first of many you'll experience as Wiley's mother. I don't know, I don't like the guy," Dante sighs.

"I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but to be honest, his reviews are meh at best. The kids like him, for sure, but I don't know. Haven't made up my decision about him yet," she smiles.

Smiling back, Dante says, "Well, you've got to tell me now. What are you so desperate to tell Michael you're pacing like a newlywed who needs sex?"

She bursts out laughing. "You're blunt, Dante. Lulu isn't going to pick Dustin, you know that."

"It's Lulu Spencer. I'd like to think I know her, but I don't know. She's... Changed since I last saw her. In a good way, but still, change is change. Peter offered me a job where we might be working together, so there's that. Anyways, enough of me. You're not getting out of talking about Michael anymore."

Willow playfully glares at Dante. "Fine. I'm going to tell him that I don't want an annulment."

A huge smile breaks out onto Dante's face. "Thank God, I was half convinced you weren't going to tell him or he wasn't going to tell you."

"Wait, Michael doesn't want one either?" Willow asks, confused. He had been sending mixed signals for a while now, but so had she. Her feelings were... Complex, that'd be the ideal phrase to describe them. She didn't know if she loved him yet, nor did she want to rush into that or anything, but there was an attraction she couldn't shake to him.

"Wow, Willow. You're both the most oblivious people on the planet. You're perfect for each other," Dante laughs. "Of course he doesn't want an annulment! Have you seen the way he looks at you lately? That's not how you look at your friend, or convenient wife. That's how you look at someone you love! I've only seen the two of you together a couple of times, but my big bro instincts are telling me that he's doing his thing where he doesn't go for what he wants."

Willow laughs along with him. "That's so frustrating, right? He won't allow himself to have anything good without overthinking it."

As they're laughing, Michael walks in. "What's so funny?" He asks Willow and Dante, confused.

"It's not even really funny, it's just that- Michael, I'm going to let you two speak for a minute. I've got to get to... Somewhere that's not here," Dante excuses himself.

That was weird, Michael thinks as Willow stands. "Is it just me or is he asking weird?"

Willow smiles, "He's not, but we do have to talk."

Taking a deep breath, Michael nods his agreement. "Okay, you wanna go to the living room so we can sit for this conversation, because I've got something to tell you too."

"Me first," Willow says as she sits on the couch next to him. "Michael, I don't want an annulment."

Michael breathes a sigh of relief, "Can I ask why?"

"If you still want to get one, of course we'll get one. But I don't want to. I want to stay married to you and not just because of the house and not cooking or cleaning, which are huge pros. I want to stay married to you because you're kind and loving. You always treat me with respect I didn't know I deserved until we got married. Chase was- he was great, but you don't put work before me, or your family. Family is the most important thing to you, not work or money or any of that stuff. You love Wiley as much as I do, and you're the only person who understands what it's like to be dealing with this stuff as a parent, and as a person. He's not just something that comes with me for you, he's someone important and who you love. I don't feel like I'm a second choice, or that I'm too needy, or that I've got to reschedule my plans so you can do something. And with Chase, it didn't always feel like that. You found out about something I loved and instantly found a broker to get the best wine selections because you wanted me to be able to have that back. Look, what I'm trying to say is I like you, Michael."

There's a quiet in the room as Michael takes in everything Willow just said to him. "As in romantically?" He asks, still processing what he just heard from her.

"Yes, romantically. And I get it if you don't feel the same, it's just that I feel like you might because you're acting like you're into me sometimes and you did say that I was everything you could've hoped for so I guess I just wanted to say this. I Also, Dante was surprisingly helpful in getting me to be able to say this to you," Willow smiles anxiously at the man sat next to her on the couch.

His brain is going a million miles an hour, trying to properly process everything. Willow can't deal with the silence, however, and starts rambling: "If you're trying to think of an easy way to let me down, Michael, just do it flat out. No harm, no foul. It doesn't change what I feel, but it will make me feel less embarrassed about putting you in such an uncomfortable situation."

"You done?" Michael half smirks, and she nods before he kisses her, soft yet perfect. Willow can feel herself falling in love with this kiss, which is arguably better than the other two they've had, as fantastic as they've been.

When they pull away, Michael gives her the look again. It's more intense, but she's realized he's always got it when he's talking to her. "Willow, I like you a lot. I've liked you since we first met, and honestly, I don't know if I ever entirely stopped. The only reason I suggested the annulment is because I knew it would take some time, and because I wanted to know if you wanted to stay married. In my mind, I've always hoped it'd turn out with us together, no matter how real what we both had with Chase and Sasha was. It took me until you accepted my proposal- which, by the way, was absolutely terrible and I'm sorry for that- to realize that I really like you. So I'll call Diane and tell her to call off the annulment."

She smiles. "What does this mean for us, Michael? I can't live in this state of limbo forever."

"I don't know right now. Let's give it a time limit for the state of limbo: Wiley's 2nd birthday. It's a few months away, which is plenty of time to figure it out and still not feel like we're rushing through anything."

"Sounds... Perfect."

You should post this!!!

[arreisstorm]

HAPPY SUGA DAY!

Disclaimer:

****I meant to get this post up on Yoongi's actual birthday but due to Tumblr completely deleting my first draft and having to deal with some crap at work, I haven't really been in my right mind to do so, so unfortunately I wasn't able to get it done in time. Even if it's a little late I hope you guys still enjoy this post!****

So I've been thinking all day what I can say about Min Yoongi that I haven't said already and sadly I'm drawing a blank.

 I think everyone knows by now how, underneath that hard and standoff-ish exterior, Yoongi is truly one of the sweetest, most caring members in BTS.

 He may be the designated "grandpa" but he can give Jin a run for his money as the "mom" of the group with the way he dotes on every single member in his own way. So instead of me doing a long winded post that loses it train of thought a million times I think I'll expand on how much Yoongi truly loves his brothers:

▪JIN

So when it comes to the relationship these two share, "opposites attract" is the best way I could describe it. While one is outgoing and loud, the other is more reserved and quiet. This duo loves to annoy each other and you can see that every time Jin cracks a face-palm inducing dad joke, and vice versa whenever Yoongi makes fun of Jin for his "old" age. I mean it's obvious to ARMY by now how extra Jin can be at times, but even through all the cringe-worthy moments and  second-hand embarrassment, at the end of the day, Yoongi still has great appreciation and respect for him.

▪JIMIN

Like Jin and Yoongi, Jimin and Yoongi are also quite opposites when it comes to their outlook on life. Where Jimin sees positivity, Yoongi is more about realism. It's not that he doesn't want to see the world as a happy place, but he also doesn't want to be blind to the truth either. That's why these two work so well together, one is the lifts the other up while the other protects them from harm.

▪TAEHYUNG

It's no secret that Tae marches to the beat of his own drum, but it is because of this fact that Yoongi finds him so endearing. During an episode of BV the two were partnered up to spend time together and even when everyone else said they would never agree on anything, Yoongi had the perfect solution. He cares a lot for Tae and he knows how hard the past few years have been for him after losing precious loved ones, so he's kind of been the one looking out for him behind the scenes.

▪JUNGKOOK

When it comes to emotional vulnerability, I would say Kookie and Yoongi are two peas in a pod. Neither one chooses to wear their hearts on their sleeves, but on the rare occassions when they do, you can guarantee you will find yourself crying along with them. There's a lot of pressure and uncertainty that goes alongside being the maknae of the group, and even more so when you're the golden maknae, and that's why I think Yoongi has taken it upon himself to help shoulder those burdens by taking care of him. Whether it's sticking up for him, encouraging him, or simply offering to buy him a proper meal, Yoongi has always been a great hyung to Kookie. And who could forget the iconic moment of "Friendship is Irish Bomb"? Haha

▪HOSEOK

Ok, so there's a lot with this relationship. We have day meets night, dark meets light, and cynicism meets positivity. These two contrast so much but still connect on the same level in countless other ways. Both are 2/3 that form one of the best raplines I've ever seen. Both are very passionate about what they do (J-Hope: dance, Yoongi: music) and they have worked their butts off to reached the point they're at now. Because Yoongi is such a realist, he is constantly overwhelmed with the state of the world, and he desperately needs to see the happier side that he might be missing...that's where Hobi comes in. There's a reason he was given the nickname he was given, he provides everyone around him with hope and happiness when they need it most, and that especially applies to Yoongi.

 When you constantly find yourself in the limelight it can be hard not to lose yourself within it. You might even forget your sense of self and instead be reduced to nothing more than a preconception told from a cameras perspective; that's when friends are the best cure, and Hobi just so happens to be that friend. These two are important for one another because whenever they're together it seems to be nothing but laughs and genuine smiles. They are carefree and able to be themselves around each other. To have that sense of freedom is probably a rare occasion for BTS in general, but even more so for the one who's know to be the "cold-hearted" and I'm happy he can find it with Hobi.

▪NAMJOON

Finally we have these two: Namjoon and Yoongi.

I've decided to save this one for last because to me they have a bond that completely differs from all others previously mentioned. These two have known each other the longest, have lived together the longest, and have seen each other at their worst points. Before debuting these two would fight constantly, both due to genuine disagreements, and also because of the countless hardships and pressure they had thrown at them. They have grown with each other and have been there to strengthen each other every step of the way.

Yoongi might not be one to express his feelings so openly, but every time I see the clip of him crying with Joon after receiving their first MAMA award It's obvious how much he does care and how much this all means to him.

To be honest, Yoongi never fails to show his love and support whenever his brothers are feeling down, and that especially goes for Joon. With him being the leader of BTS there is so much added pressure and expectations to live up to that it can be overwhelming, and on top of all of it, being the designated translator, writing and producing most of BTS' songs, and also trying to learn the choreography to go along with said song can seem next to impossible; Yoongi sees these struggles and he does all he can to help lessen the weight.

These two honestly do share one of the most profound bonds and I believe nothing could severe it completely. They might still have their fights, I mean they're human, it's bound to happen, but the respect and admiration they have for one another wins out every time.

As much as they love each other, these two also love to screw with each other too. Yoongi constantly makes fun of Joon for his clumsiness and Joon makes fun of Yoongi for his laziness, but in the end these two wouldn't be who they are without the other.

Yoongi once said in an interview that Joon is one of his favorite people he's ever met and if he had to pick a person to spend his last day with he would pick him. Then Joon in a different interview mentioned how Yoongi is basically his mirror and he takes care of the thing that Joon is unable to. These two compliment each other so well, and musically speaking, their backgrounds come from very similar places that they just know how the other runs. If Hobi allows Yoongi to act himself and to let loose physically, then Joon is his emotional release. They know how to have those deep heart-to-heart conversation without worrying what the other might think. Yoongi is able to use his words and is able to open up to Joon about any doubts, fear, or anxiety he might be struggling with, as well as using them to provide Joon with the assurance he needs that he is doing a good job as the leader; and in return, Joon gives Yoongi that sense of comfort and stability whenever he needs it.

Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon.

Yoonie and Joonie.

Suga and RM.

AGUST D and Rap Monster.

Lil Meow Meow and Killer Dimples.

These boys are one in the same: two overall geniuses who started as underground rappers possessing skills of insane flow and destructive lyrics, then forced to become idols, who eventually helped redefined what idols are, and now are global superstars that have created the golden rapline (with Hobi), are living their wildest dreams yet still remain humble, as well as unapologetic about incorporation crucial social topics into their songs.

There's a reason these two get along so well and that's because of years of being around each other, having the same deep, philosophical thought process, and knowing that hard work, sleepless nights, and finding growth within personal struggles are what it takes to reach your ultimate goal.

The point is, if you're still with me that is haha, is that Suga tends to have this reputation that he is cold-hearted and aloof when it comes to the rest of the members, but honestly who wouldn't be exhausted and not wanting to participate in different events after having not slept for days on end and pouring their blood, sweat, tears (not intentional btw) into their creations?! Suga is one of the hardest working, passionate, individuals out there and if he didn't sacrifice so much for us, far beyond what this post can tell you, then BTS would not exist the way we know it now. It because he is willing to put his own health and well-being on hold --despite ARMY and the boys wishes-- and take on this almost altruistic behavior that I have so much respect and admiration for Yoongi. And anyone who says that this man is cold or that he hates his members...Have you not seen this man's precious, gummy smile when he's having the time of his life with his favorite people? There's a reason he chose to call himself "Suga" and that's because underneath that hard outer shell, deep down Min Yoongi is nothing but pure sweetness who isn't afraid to dream big and wants to see those he loves succeed to their fullest potential.

He is our resident grandpa, a musical genuis, and can spit fire while roasting people with the highest level of savageness you can achieve. He is the 2nd oldest, the hyung who tends to show his love when the cameras aren't rolling, and he is the backbone of BTS who slaves away in the recording studio to produce these insane tracks we all love so much. He is the only one that I've noticed who mirrors and compliments Namjoon's own thoughts and feelings and he is a huge reason why BTS has been so successful like they are.

We love you

Min Yoongi

Suga

AGUST D

Lil Meow Meow

Grandpa Yoongs

I hope you had a great birthday and thank you for everything you have done for BTS in the past, everything you're doing in the present, and everything you will do in the future. You are one of my biggest inspirations and I wish you all the best!

화이팅! 💜

[dzpenumbra]

9/14/22

The apartment is mine. At least pending a background check and I have no criminal record so... I should be all good. The process has been fuckin weird though. They wanted a deposit up-front before processing my application. I mentioned that yesterday. It feels sketchy. But... I mean... more than that... it feels indicative of a really bad time in history. I mean... we're in a housing crisis, right? And we have been for well over a year. And this woman was kinda acting as though the absolute only thing that mattered was money. And like I needed to provide her some kind of security that I wasn't just gonna skip out and go rent another place. Bro, there aren't any other fucking places, isn't it glaringly obvious? It was just really weird to me, still is. Like... what is the message I'm supposed to get from "we need a 2k deposit before we even look at your application"? I honestly don't know what message I'm supposed to be interpreting here. The best guess I have is "if you act now, you can guarantee this apartment." But... like... how do they know they want me there?

The whole process has been very impersonal and distant. I don't like it at all. I haven't liked any bit of this. I put in a ton of effort to be very deliberate about how I was going to apply, what information I was going to share and how. I still haven't spoken to this woman. The whole thing has just been frantic and completely controlled by this landlord's demands. It's felt very... well I said this morning that it felt like what I imagine applying for a job in Silicon Valley would be like. Very cold, impersonal, all over-inflated lies on paper, people giving prepared responses and code-phrases, spewing out buzzwords and shit. All I wanted this whole fuckin time was to sit down and have a chat with whoever was going to be deciding to give me a roof over my head and make a first impression. Now, I just have a place to live. It's weird. It feels like I just got a dorm on a college campus or something.

Welp, guess that's just what living in an apartment building is gonna be like. Guess I've been living in a small town for too long, it's been over 10 years. Maybe I just forgot that we're all doing this "I don't have to know you, you don't have to know me" thing. As though it's advantageous to not know me. Whatever, I don't wanna dwell on it, we'll see how it plays out. That's just the note my day started on.

My brother reached out to me to touch base about a project I gave him. He's a super talented musician. I asked him to make a ton of streaming music for me, a playlist of good atmospheric background stuff I can put on loop. He got back to me, apparently he made some. I haven't listened to it yet. Because I asked him if he wanted to talk about the plan going forward and what the next steps were and he blew me off until "maybe tomorrow" because he "had a lot of reading to do". ... Yeah. And only other friend blew me off on setting up the Minecraft server and went to spend the night at his girlfriend's house, because obviously that means he can't like... do ANYTHING AT ALL with me. It's weird how people act in those relationships sometimes. I don't know. I'm holding back, I don't want to engage with this frustration. I'm mostly pissed here because I just overcame a life-crippling obstacle today and I kinda wanted to celebrate a bit, but instead I was blown off by literally everyone I know. So, that sucks. At least my Mom was willing to chat and send some good vibes. She even offered to get me takeout, but I didn't wanna put her out driving in the rain.

I don't know, man. I really think I just need people in my life who want to share their life with me, and share my life as well. All this keeping me at arms length shit that so many people do, it's fucking with my head. I'm pretty sure it already has.

I am afraid of intimacy because I have basically never had it. I have in fleeting moments, and moments of illusion, but it has been unfathomably rare in my life. It is pretty much my entire life goal, too. I've been thinking about that a bunch, which seems like a good thing to do just... in general... I just haven't really spent much time on the future, I've always figured it's gonna just happen anyway, why bother trying to control it? But that hasn't worked out great for me, so I'm gonna try to compromise a bit. I really feel like the whole point of life is to learn. To live, obviously, because... you know... you're alive. To try to seek a fulfilling life-experience, pursuing passions, feeling life to its fullest. To learn as much as you can. To pass that learning on, and exchange it with others. To share life with others, share yourself with others.

Like we're all just sensory organs for the collective human race. Who is an extension of the animal kingdom. Which is an extension of Life itself. We're just walking lumps of sensory equipment - cameras, microphones, kinetic sensors, whatever the fuck taste buds are and however the fuck your nose works, damn I didn't realize I didn't know how smell works, I should probably learn that. We gather information, we interpret our environments and our experiences. We process that information and store it as memory, we collect, and stitch a narrative and framework of world understanding. And we share this information, this narrative, this framework, every time we interact with others. This is a contribution to the language of Life itself. The information then spreads and mixes, much in the same way as a viral video or a meme. It saturates and becomes part of culture, which is the impact you have on the world, on history. Your impact, your contribution, is only worth what you put into it, and what you can put into it. In order for one to contribute to society beyond just one degree, 1). they must try 2). they must be received 3). that information must be spread.

I am not a hermit by choice. I simply avoid social gatherings. I have consistently welcomed individuals into my life over the past several years, very openly and very eagerly. My door is always unlocked, quite literally. I have offered a room in my house to several people. I just keep getting rejected. Like... I shit you not... I had a fight with a friend that I used to live in Boston with because we weren't really talking very often and I bashfully and anxiously requested that he check in a little more often because I was getting a bit stir-crazy. This was the pandemic of course, lockdown, and I live alone and wasn't talking to... anyone at the time really. He fought with me over it, he ended the friendship over it. I have talked to him once since when he came to get his shit that I stored for him for free in my spare room. I did not choose that outcome, in fact, I was reaching out to connect even more, to connect as much as I could, and it ended up severing the only social contact I had.

My only social problem recently has been that I am just not present on social media... and I really suck at just going to random social places in person by myself. I always have. If I'm going to the skatepark or something, I could maybe make it work, but... I don't know, it just really puts me off, has for like over 10 years. I wish I could define it better. I guess I just feel really sad with it. I don't like being in a place dedicated to social interaction and just sitting there by myself. People never approach me, it never goes the way people hint it's going to. Like I always got the advice "go to the bookstore coffee shop and just sit there and draw for a while". You know what happens? I listen to shitty castrated jazz. I drink super-overpriced coffee. I eat decent food. I draw by myself for an hour and a half. People give me a wide berth. I pack up and leave. Every time. I can just do that shit at home and listen to my own damn music. The whole point of going was for it to be social, and no one ever approaches, so why bother? I gave up on that shit super quick. Skatepark is a bit different, but it's mostly kids honestly. There's basically no one my age, and if there is they tend to be worlds better than I am at skating. It's rarely an in-depth conversation, usually small-talk.

But if I go to a social location with a friend? That's when shit pops off. That's when people start socializing. If I have someone to riff off of, it works pretty damn effectively.

This was actually a pretty defining moment when I really noticed that my ex was not the right person for me - even though I didn't know it at the time at all. Took me years to really process it. I had just gotten back from a friend's wedding, which she did not go with me to... which is still weird since I offered to pay and everything, but there was some side-action way back that was a bit sketchy so... who knows exactly what was going on there... I digress... Not a place my 4:30 AM brain needs to go today. I wanted to get back to living life. I was just sick and on meds all the time and a complete wreck. She was just frantically working all the time. I had us go on a date to the closest major mall that had IMAX. We were going to see The Last Jedi, because I'm a big Star Wars fan and I got her into the series too. That should give a timeframe around when this was. I remember walking through the mall with her and sorta strutting around and being goofy. It had been years since I had done that, I missed it, I was finally reconnecting with it. We went up to the ticket counter and I asked for tickets, but I very intentionally put my inflection emphasis on the wrong word. I asked for two tickets for The Last Jedi. It's a subtle joke, not even really a joke, more just... something out of place. It shakes things up a bit, puts the other person on their toes, disorients them, which is a good way to get a giggle while making a little bit of an ass of yourself. My ex immediately brought full attention to the joke, started giggling and diffusing the situation basically. That moment right there, that reaction right there. That was really helpful in me learning what I really need in my life. I need someone who will go with the bit. I need someone who will say "yes, and". And who is beaming with excitement to do that. That will change my life.

I just kinda need that in my life all around, in any form. I need synergy. I need harmony. And resonance. Long periods of extreme isolation get you to a place where it seems like it's a myth. Or an extremely endangered species. This is to the point where I doubt I ever really had it at any point, and end up doubting that it exists, and then not bothering to waste the energy trying to hunt down Sasquatch.

But I need it. It's the key piece in bringing my life's purpose together, and the one piece I can't create myself. So I just need to reacquaint myself with venues of social interaction nowadays. My Discord is dead, I type on here every night, I sometimes read Reddit but have no friends there, my Twitch has 2 chatters unless one is streaming, the Twitch rooms I visit are too big to meet people in. So... I just don't have a place to meet anyone. I'm open to suggestions if anyone reading this that somehow got this far down wants to put out there, if they've ever had any luck. I'm sure I've asked before. I'll get back on the dating apps when I move. Oh yeah, the move date is gonna be mid-November, so that's good news. I've got some time to get my shit packed and say my goodbyes to the area.

Alright, meandering train of thought has come to a halt for a bit, it's as good a time as any to head to sleep. Here's my first real bit of celebration for my new home. YAY! Okay, I'll try to get someone else to give a shit about this tomorrow. Goodnight, moon.